The right to power and position in society
To make such a marriage successful is not easy. You force the man to enter into a completely new relationship, for which he has no experience and no behavior patterns. You both may find that our culture is built on subconscious ideas about how a man and woman should behave, what they should think about, what to do. You can suddenly discover what everyone is rediscovering for himself, that a man and a woman are actually very different. And not only outside, but also inside.
“Whether we like it or not, men build social relationships in such a way as to gain power,” says Lucia Gilbert, Ph.D., professor at the University of Texas and author of “All in Half: The Benefits and Difficulties of Two Working Spouses.” They grow up with a sense of self-worth, with the confidence that their affairs and desires are more important than the needs of women. For some this is more pronounced, for others weaker. "
For some men, as research suggests, a sense of their own power is central to their perceptions of who they are. Even the most subtly sensitive man will be surprised to realize at a critical moment that he is looking at his wife’s career as something secondary to his career.
He can be offended if his wife makes a lot of money or rises up the career ladder faster. “He begins to look at you as a usurper of his rights, which he believed in, because these are the cultural attitudes of society,” says Diana Martinez, MD, a psychiatrist at the Center for Health at the University of Texas at San Antonio. A man with a highly developed sense of superiority cannot be a good spouse if a woman is going to make a career. ”
“Most men with wives who make careers struggle with their“ masculine ”feelings, says Dr. Gilbert. Accustomed from childhood to the idea that he will be the breadwinner of the family, your spouse can subconsciously believe that he must first of all fulfill this important role, which he actually shares with you. If he has a particularly high opinion of himself, he may feel insulted to find that you earn more or that your title is longer, because traditionally the man has done more and achieved more in the professional field. Or he may rest assured that you will quit immediately and go after him if they offer him a good job in another city, because he is used to considering your work as something secondary in comparison with his own.
We live in a society in which relatively few married women achieve high positions and leadership positions, although many could work fruitfully in a variety of fields, he continues. Men know too well their rights in married life and are too ambitious; they just don't take your job seriously. ”
Men who decide to share responsibilities in marriage find the strength to recognize the mines hidden in the subconscious and neutralize them, which requires a lot of soul work, discussion, and sometimes even professional help. “Remember, this is difficult,” warns Dr. Gilbert. He needs to challenge traditional ideas about what a man should be, ideas that you can also share. ”