The right to power and position in society
To make such a marriage successful is not easy. You are forcing a man into a completely new relationship, for which he has no experience and no patterns of behavior. Both of you may find that our culture is built on subconscious ideas about how a man and a woman should behave, what they should think about, what to do. You can suddenly discover what everyone is rediscovering for themselves, that man and woman are actually very different. And not only outside, but inside.
“Whether we like it or not, men build social relations in such a way as to achieve power,” says Lucia Gilbert, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Texas and the author of the book “All in Half: The Benefits and Difficulties of Two Working Spouses.” They grow with a sense of self-worth, with the certainty that their deeds and desires are more important than the needs of women. In some, it is more pronounced, in others it is weaker. ”
For some men, as can be assumed from research, a sense of their own power is central to their understanding of what they are. Even the most subtle feeling man will be surprised to realize, at a critical moment, that he looks at his wife’s career as something secondary in comparison to his career.
He may be offended if his wife earns a lot of money or rises faster through the ranks. “He begins to look at you as a usurper of his rights, in which he believed, because such are the cultural attitudes of society, says Diana Martinez, MD, psychiatrist from the Center for Health at the University of Texas at San Antonio. A man with a strongly developed sense of superiority cannot be a good spouse if a woman is going to make a career. ”
“Most men who have wives making a career struggle with their feelings of“ male peculiarity, ”says Dr. Gilbert. Accustomed from childhood to the idea that he has to be the breadwinner of the family, your spouse may subconsciously believe that he must first of all perform this important role, which in reality he now shares with you. If he has a particularly high opinion of himself, he may feel offended if he finds out that you earn more or that your title is longer, because traditionally the man did more and achieved more in the professional field. Or he can rest assured that you will immediately give up everything and go after him if he is offered a good job in another city, because he is used to consider your work as something secondary in comparison with his own.
We live in a society in which relatively few married women attain a high position of leadership positions, although many could work fruitfully in many different areas, he continues. Men know their marital rights too well and are too ambitious; they just don't take your work seriously. ”
Men who decide to share responsibilities in marriage find the strength to recognize hidden mines in their subconscious and neutralize them, and this requires a lot of soul work, discussion, and sometimes even professional help. “Remember, this is difficult, warns Dr. Gilbert. He needs to challenge traditional ideas about what a man should be, ideas that you can share as well. ”