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Two children in the kindergarten after the New Year:
- And on New Year's Eve they gave me a radio-controlled machine on buttons, and another gun shoots with bullets, and another box of chocolates and much more. And what did they give you?
- Balloon.
- and all?
- Well, not everyone has cancer of the blood ...

In kindergarten, educators discuss the scenario of the New Year's party.
- Children need to somehow cheer up, so that all were happy.
- And let the Snow Maiden from the gas canister sprinkle ...
- Then it is better to call the riot police, let them baton them ...
- Let us immediately terrorists, so that they blew two hundred grams of TNT equivalent. Who will survive - just be satisfied!

A drunk man comes up to the toilet and says:
- Ichthyander, my son!
- What, father?
Man, poking fingers in his mouth:
- I brought you some food ...

Madam, I had no thoughts of you ...

We will postpone the prelude for later ...

Sometimes it's hard to be a man without vodka ...

You don’t need to take off the earrings! ..

With such a salary it’s hard to be loved ...

You looked better in the virtual ...

Male beard must be Blue! ..

With a catheter in the groin do not make eyes!

For once would refuse for propriety ...

Today you are more beautiful than tomorrow! ..

Oh, how would you go rocker! ..

And again you preferred bed friendship ...

You, sweetie, can you play chess?! ..

Such an end crown will not be the case!

My favorite! Your clothes are better ...

You're romantic, like Kafka's novels ...

No, this can not be a heating pad ...

I was carrying flowers, and you were already in bed ...

He, like a baby, did not hold the head ...

I will give you exactly an hour to get carried away with me ...

What have you deprived of yourself by refusal! ..

Shot while trying not to marry.

Let's be friends again! ..

There are positions where no exit is needed ...

An erection should be stately ...

Osyp yesterday, voicing porn ...

Castrated but undefeated ...

Who is as good as you with me?! ..

The fourth time you will not be so sick ...

In vain "Hyundai Hoh!" I shouted onanist ...

The fly did not hide the bitter truth ...

How many I did not promise to marry! ..

How painful it is to know that horseradish is not sweeter than radish! ..

Ambiguous phrase: "I have the honor!" ..

You won't surprise me with death ...

How romantic - to finish under the fence ...

Than to live with you - it's better to live with yourself ...

It’s not so easy to stand in the aisle ...

At least as if lust surrender ...

He satisfied only curiosity ...

Whom I leave behind the scenes ...

He lost his temper, but without an orgasm ...

These I love otrahtsiony! ..

You have adultery ...

I do not remember what you are wearing ...

He was moving faster gonococcus ...

Though looking up, but still - not convincing ...

And to me without you, in fact, as with you ...

Sometimes more pleasant, not knowing the name ...

Why are you with an erection - the bus?! ..

And "Masturbator" is not a Mongolian or a city?! ..

He was an active member of the homosect ...

You can stay. But - get dressed ...

But I am prettier than a vibrator! ..

And in the morning you are again in an evening dress ...

All is not your profession is older! ..

Do not you master, so languages ​​..


- Comrade personnel officer, do you take on the job with the names on the "ich"?
- Not!
- And on the "zones"?
- What more!
- And on the "ko"?
- This is - please.
- Kogan! Go here!

- What is miracle Yudo?
- Jewish child, adopted at the Moscow State University mekhmat this year.

Rabinovich is not hired despite the fact that he is Russian.
- With that name, I'd rather take a Jew! - says the head.

Some women go all their lives on 10-centimeter heels, pull undercoat all over their body, blow silicone under their skin, remove lower pairs of ribs, drain fat, cut skin on face, but don't like anal sex - you see, it hurts them!
- 99.99% of men at least once in their lives engaged in masturbation.
- Well, and these, which in 0,01%, with them what?
- This is armless.

Girls! Are you afraid to walk the dark streets at night? Spread your legs with lard, and a cheerful pack of yard dogs will not let anyone near you!
- Dad, Dad, I will never go with you on a sled ride!
- Do not talk, and pull harder, asshole! ..
A little boy with his mother comes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor examines him and asks:
- Boy, boy, how old are you?
- This year will be seven!
- What are we optimists !!!!!

Talk two girlfriends.
- How did you manage to call me a fool for everyone ?!
- Sorry, you did not warn that you are hiding ...

People often ask: What is better - oral sex or Klinskoe beer?
Answer: Of course, oral sex! It is pleasant, it relaxes, relieves stress and tension ... But, on the other hand, you will not tell your friends: "All for a blowjob, I treat !!!"




Morning in the Gypsy family:
Whoever woke up earlier, he dressed most beautifully ...

What does a Russian do when his team wins the World Cup? turns off the playstation and goes to bed!
Cinderella, drive on your carriage and meet the prince.
- I do not know, all men are goats! Better to give me a million!
- I'm not a witch, I'm a fairy.
- Well then, nafeyach.
- And you need so much nafya?
-Mom, take Fae!
-No, I use proven tools!
- Mom take it, the faeries while the prodigy does not look!
In Moscow, everything is so expensive! "Lamborghini Diablo" buy 500 thousand dollars worth. For comparison, we have a kilogram of buckwheat in Saransk - 12 rubles.
In my head sawdust - It does not matter.
Because I'm blond ... yes, yes, yes!
There are two friends.
- Where were you?
- I ran for bread ...
- And that caught up?
Military unit? ... Smoking room. Sit 4 lieutenants. One suggests going to the commander of the unit to ask for a vacation. We got up went. Comes to the commander first:
- Comrades Colonel, Lieutenant Pupkin. Resolve on vacation.
- What! On vacation, you say? Come on rationalization proposal innovation) - go on vacation!
- Easy! You have mowed grass under the soldiers' window. Why is he waving a scythe in one direction? Let him tie the second braid, let him mow left and right!
- Well done! On vacation!
Comes second:
...
- Let's make a quick offer ...
- Easy! You have mowed grass under the soldiers' window. Che, he waving his scythe? Let him tie a pitchfork to a spit, let him fold it into piles right away!
- Well done! On vacation!
Comes the third:
...
- Let's make a quick offer ...
- Easy! You have mowed grass under the soldiers' window. Che waving his scythe back and forth, folding the grass into piles? Let's tie a trolley to it, let it go right away!
- Well done! On vacation!
Fourth comes:
...
- Let's make a quick offer ...
- I do not know.
- Well-oo-oo ... So go think. Come up come!
It turns out the lieutenant on the porch, smokes nervously, is "turnip wrinkles."
And here this soldier comes to him. With this crap in his hands with a tied cart, all sweaty, exhausted. And so viciously, asks the lieutenant:
“Che, comrade lieutenant, do you want a vacation ?!”
- Yeah ...
- B ... b, rationalization can not think of ?!
- Yeah ...
- B ... s, FARO FOR MY FIRM !!! FARU !!! TO NIGHT AREA !!!

A man calls from a deep hangover to his chum:
-Vasya, did we drink beer yesterday?
-Drank.
-Did they drink vodka?
-Drank.
, and brandy?
-Drank.
-Did you drink rocket fuel?
-Drank.
-And you did not go to shit?
-Not!?
- Vasya, don't go, I'm calling from Tokyo!

After his death, Sherlock Holmes falls into purgatory, he will have to pass three tests. They bring him 10 absolutely identical young men, it is necessary to determine which of them is the first man Adam.
After a few minutes, he quotes: As determined, it simply says that he has no navel.
Stuck navel, mixed with the remaining nine. After a couple of hours leads: how determined? I had to retrain, he has no ribs.
Correct rib, mixed. Holmes does not appear for a long time, however, leads. “Right, how did you know?”
Deduction method: I told them - Go all of you to mother %%%% th mother, one left, the rest are gone.

- Eh, this mood disappears .. Can I kick your dog?
Explanatory soldier of the Armed Forces:
Such a number I was in a formal order at the company, the TV was on the nightstand, on it a video player, next to it was a music center. Then I blinked ...

- Doctor, write me a Viagra.
- What are the problems?
- Yes, doctor, you should not get to work.
- For the work is better petrolatum.

Addict "finishes" the third joint:
- Oh, I'm flying, I'm flying!
A drunk crawls past:
- Give it to me too!
- Well, on ...
Alkash dragged on once, another ...
- Something I'm not crap ?!
-Ah, give me here! Born to crawl can not fly!

Husband and wife travel by car and quarrel. Driving past a village, they suddenly see a pair of pigs. Wife:
- Your relatives?
- Yeah, mother-in-law with the test.

In the compartment on the bottom shelf rides man. Night. Everybody sleeps. Suddenly a man sees that shit crumbles past him from the top shelf right on the floor. A man jumps up, pushes a passenger on the top shelf:
- Comrade! Comrade! Wake up, you crap!
- And I do not sleep ...

- Bond, James Bond.
- Brother, nurse.

A new yoghurt is finally out! Especially good pieces of fruit!

- I heard Vasya drank the correct Bochkarev after the bath - and how he was born again!
- What, there was no hangover?
- No - crawling, writing, could not speak ....

For filming the TV project "DOM-3" decided to invite the Moldovans.
They spat on love and in a month rebuilt a whole block.
- How to determine that it is Friday?
“If I drink beer in the evening, it’s definitely Friday.” Sometimes it's up to seven Fridays in a week.

Traffic cop - the driver.
- Breathe.
- You are welcome.
- Again.
- What for?
- Smell like!

Announcement: "I will urgently buy glasses in any frame with a diopter of -9. I stand near Sokolniki metro station and wave my hands."
How do you say one word in English: "The wife and mother-in-law left for the country, and took the children with them?" - Yеs !!!

In Moscow strip clubs there is no one to speak. Session.

- The third day I do not want to work. What would it mean? ..
-Today is Wednesday!

Sit Yesenin, Sasha Bely and Mayakovsky in front of a bottle, let's say brandy.
It is decided that whoever writes a rhyme will drink so much.
Yesenin: "The fish swims along the bottom. Drink a glass one!"
Pours a glass and drinks.
White: "Fish swim along the bottom. I'll drink two glasses!"
Pours himself a couple of glasses and drinks. Mayakovsky looked around at everyone, and:
"You guys are great!
I'll drink the rest! "
I ate the President oil, but I never became the President.
I smoked a pack of "Attache" cigarettes, but the attache didn’t work out of me.
And only when I drank beer "Kozel", I felt that I was sort of starting to act ..

Naked woman looks exactly as far as it can be seen.
Two lawyers go to a cafe, order drinks and get sandwiches.
“I'm sorry,” says the bartender, “but we can't eat our food.”
Lawyers look at each other, shrug and change their sandwiches ...

Two traffic cops notice the car racing, well, at a very high speed.
One of them goes to the middle of the road and gives a stop sign. Wheelbarrow knocks him down and after 100 meters it stops.
Another traffic cop approaches the driver and asks:
- How are we with the documents?
“The same as with the brakes,” says the driver.

So that people do not throw out a new disk of Dima Bilan immediately after listening, he placed on it the schedule of electric trains, a ruler and a calendar for 2005 ...
- And I found a coin in bed yesterday. Nice - someone wants to come back!
Girlfriends share news:
- Oh, and Irina was so lucky: she and her husband went on vacation in Hawaii!
- And Marina was even luckier: she went there without a husband!

The inscription on the "Gazelle":
"Sold" Gazel "born in 1995. The route did not go."
"Dear listeners! Today we are summing up our quiz.
The first to the question "Where do women have the most curly hair?" answered fourth-grader Vasya Ivanov. That's right, Vasya - to the Congo! "After some time, a letter arrives at the editorial office:" Dear editors! Thank you for your informative programs. Now I know where my wife's congo is. "

The programmer is asked:
- How many children?
- Two sons.
- By how many years?
After a pause: - One on the computer is already playing, and the second is not ...
A woman doctor cannot fall asleep - conscience and reason argue in her. Conscience: "You can not sleep after betraying her husband!" Reason: “It depends on what! If a husband is forever nyat, he doesn’t have enough time for sex - here the saint will change. That's right, that she changed ... bai-baiush-bai” ... Conscience: “Treason is betrayed! with the patient - a violation of medical ethics! " Reason: "Yes, but remember Ivanova from the 25th polyclinic. She regularly has sex with patients - everyone is happy, everything is good." Conscience is silent. A woman falls into a dream ... And suddenly - conscience with a caustic whisper: "Yes, but Ivanova is not a veterinarian!"
- Doctor, I'm losing my hair badly! Shaw do I have to keep them?
- Oh, it's just easy! Put them in a box!

Ride in a wheelbarrow 5 stick.
Stop at the traffic lights, wait, the traffic lights are lit. Red, yellow, green, red, yellow, green, and so several times ... One trick asks the driver:
- Serega, why aren't you going ??
- (drove grabbed the steering wheel) Do not have time !!!!!
A man makes a hole for the curtains. Perforator Noise, crashing, dust ...
The mother-in-law comes into the room and asks:
- What, son, hang the curtain? The man turns:
- Well, fuck you yelling, old? The child is sleeping !!
Four in the morning. A traffic cop sleeps at home with his wife, suddenly in a dream he starts frantically screaming: - Wagon! Wagon! Wife (soothingly): - Empty, empty ...
A landing plane is flying, an officer comes to the paratroopers and says: "We are flying to Afghanistan, guys, the guys have become gloomy, but the officer continues:" We will pay a premium of $ 1000 for the head of every killed dushman. " The plane comes in for landing, the paratroopers in loose, the officer alone does not have time to open his mouth, after 30min the paratroopers return, dragging huge bunches of heads. The officer, almost fainting, says: "Guys, we sat in Tashkent for refueling" ...
There is a socialist revolution in the African country. Cuba:
- Comrades, we support you !!! We send 50 000 thousand tons of oranges in wooden boxes, you will make them butts for AKM!
- Thank you comrades!
Bulgaria:
- Comrades, we support your revolution !!! We send 100 000 thousand tons of tomatoes in metal boxes, I'll make them AKM cartridges!
- Thank you comrades for your help!
THE USSR:
- Comrades, we support your revolution !!! We send you 1000 eggs! - ?????, and what kind of packaging?
- As always - Blue Beret and Kirsa boots!

After visiting Urkainu, Americans are asked:
- What did you like in Ukraine?
- Everything! And the country and the people, I am delighted.
- What didn't you like?
- Ham - too salty and completely without meat.

Is he:
- Dear, whisper to me three words from which I will be in the ninth heaven!
She is:
- Rope in the closet!

It turns out in the morning a traffic cop on the road, head after yesterday breaks. Looks - the jeep rushes. Well, he stopped him in order to raise funds for sober. Looks, and there the bum sits. Documents checked - true, homeless car. Well, the cop asked him:
- You're a bum. Where are you taking such a cool car?
“And the drunken new Russians offered me, if I make them laugh, my jeep.” Well, I made them laugh.
- But as?
- Yes, I did not give a shit to one bald head, he immediately grew his hair, that was screaming.
Ment cap removes, there is baldness. He says:
“Can you give me that shit?”
- Can.
A homeless person shit the cop on his bald spot, and from the bushes there is a laugh and a cry:
- No, well, finally, yes I will give him a hut.

- Hello! Technical department ?! I type the password - but they won't let me in!
- So, it is necessary to type correctly.
- I am typing correctly! Five stars!

Moyshe is the father, the merchant.
Abram - the son, just turned 18 years old.
Sarah is the mother, Moishe's wife.
Abram's first working day in his father's shop. About 15 hours Sarah calls:
“Moyshe, how does the son cope, will anything come out of him?”
- He will be a merchant, but he will still be taught and taught.
- And what is he doing something wrong?
- When the return returns - crying!

“Looking at my mother trying on a new fur coat made from natural fur,” Little Johnny remarked:
“Mom, do you understand that this fur coat is the result of the terrible suffering of a poor, unhappy animal?”
Mom looked at Vovochka sternly and answered:
- How can you talk like that about your own father? !!

- I remember when I was young, it used to happen that I drank a bucket of beer, but now I can only half a bucket ...
- What, the health became very weak?
- No, the muzzle on the middle is not prolazit!

Do you know why, at a Jewish wedding, the bridegroom cannot, as is customary, kiss the bride?
Because his mother is sitting next to the groom and all the time says:
"Eat eat!"

Riding a man on the bus:
-Girl, punch a ticket,
Is the magic word?
Man uncertain:
-Krible, krable, booms?

Doorbell. A man opens and sees a little death with a scythe ...

Man:
- Ah, I know, I know ... You came for my canary?
- No, man. I am impotence!

- Hello, honey, what do you like more - bananas or peaches?
- Are you in the market?
- No, in the pharmacy.

On the radio, at the listener's request, a man calls: - I am on a business trip. I want to say hello to my wife, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and three children, and I ask you to put for them the song of the group "Kipelov" "I am free"!
Answer Yunnat, to the question: "How to feed a wounded woodpecker?": - Woodpecker must be taken by the tail and beaten with a beak against a tree.
A Georgian, a former musician who played the flute, tells about his life: - I remember playing for the African king, he liked ochen, and he told us how many gold manat we had in tooling. Balshoi drum vlaz 2000 manat. Vialanche vlaz 1000 manat. In this bl @ dskiy tool or adyn manat ne vaz! - I remember playing for the Nemets king, he liked Ochen and he told us how many marks he had in the tool. Balshoy drum vlaz 3000 marks. Vialanche vlaz 2000 marks. In this bl @ dskiy instrument nor adyn mark ne vales. - They played for the Russian king, he did not like ochen, and he told us to shove each of his tools into the ass. Balshoi drum in the ass ne vez. Vialanchal in the ass.
- Gingerbread man wounded! He lost a lot of dough! - Baker !! Is there a baker?
According to the rules of the rootality show, each participant could only take 1 thing with them to the island. Vanya took the book; Petya magnitaphone; Vasya took the computer, and Vovochka took the rubber woman ............ And a month later he had a book and a magnetophone ... and .....
- Do you need an artist? - And what genre are you working in? - In the genre of easel painting. - Great, we take! Will we have machines to paint.
A married couple discusses the latest film premiere. - Dear, I do not understand what everyone found in this Angelina Jolie. Well, what happens if you drop her pretty face, sensual lips, heaving chest, chiseled figure, cat grace? - You.
The last words of the second pilot (from deciphering the "black box" of the crashed plane): - Vasya, yes, I joked that she was sleeping with me!
News from the zoo: Dana Borisova argued with the kangaroo for half an hour, proving to her that such handbags are no longer worn.
Riddle: the most harmful nasikomoye, back black, belly white, legs in the manure. Answer: summer resident.
The mother of three children went to the hospital. The husband stayed around the house. In the morning he got up, shaved, prepared breakfast, woke up the children, washed, dressed, combed, fed, took two to school, the third to kindergarten. I went to the factory, worked until lunch at the machine, ran for wholesale at lunch, poked around in queues, took the product, dragged me to work, did not have time to eat - got behind the machine, plowed until the end of the shift. Ran through the shops, jumped into the garden, took it, served it at the parents' meeting, dragged everything and everyone home, prepared dinner, fed the children, washed, stroked, washed the dishes, checked the lessons of the older ones, read the younger one for the night, put everyone to bed. He stands in the bathroom in front of the mirror, winds his hair curlers and thinks: “Are there really any more fucking ?!”
Call the travel agency. - Do you sell Egypt? .. - Yes, of course, we sell ... - Tell me, what resorts are there? - Sharm el-Sheikh, Hurghada, Taba, Nuweiba ... - In, stop, Nuweiba, exactly Nuweiba suits me! - When are you going to go? - No, we are here to solve a crossword puzzle, thank you, Nuweiba is coming.
There is a lecture on life safety at the institute. Professor audience: - You - the foreman at the construction site. Before your very eyes, a worker falls from the scaffolding to the death. What are your first actions? Students: - Call an ambulance! - Call the police! - Report to relatives! etc. Professor: - Wear a helmet and a safety belt over the corpse, otherwise the police will come for you.
Ivanushka the Fool was going to marry Vasilisa the Beautiful. It is a known thing, the Serpent Gorynych is right there: - You, Ivanushka, you say, before the wedding, have a bath. Yes, my sister's tudes for me and show off. Ivanushka twisted, but there is nothing to do: he is going to sink the bathhouse. Towards three bogatyrs: - What, mole, - sadness, longing? Ivanushka complained about his fate. Bogatyrs to him: - You, Ivanushka, do not turn aside - instead of Vasilisa, get us into a bathhouse, and there we will have our care. So did. Ivanushka was buried beside the bathhouse - looking, Gorynych climbed into the bathhouse. An hour has passed, two, three hours - silence. Ivanushka lost patience, ran into the bathhouse and saw such a picture. Ilya Muromets holds one Snake head under the right armpit, the other - under the left, squeezed the third between his knees, Dobrynya Nikitich the Snake from the back “makes out”. Alyosha Popovich stands in front of the Serpent, propping up his cheek with his palm and speaking, shaking his head: - You are a goose, fool! If you had one head and three assholes, you would have been sitting at home for a long time !! - Daughter, did you eat all the dumplings ??? - Yes, daddy. - Well done, BITCH - ALL IN MOM !!! - Grass is not a drug. you hear the grass, you are not a drug .. - Yes, I hear, I hear, I am not a drug .. Two friends are sitting in the courtyard over a beer. One, pointing to a boy running past, says: - And this is my Vaska from his first marriage. Then, nodding his head at the little girls running past: “And this is Tanka and Manka from the second and third marriages.” - And why were you married three times? - Well no! I'm talking about condom marriages !!
- Why do you always say kebab - mashlyk? - A patchamu we have such cultures - Multur! News: Son calls his mother to work: Mom tell me how to spell byzgalter? Mom you son, why do you need it? Yes, we were asked to tell who works mom. Son, I'm an accountant. The boy is 8 years old. The blonde is going to Altai. - We need to take a thong ... so what else? Ah, thong! And more? Oh, just a thong !!! Mother: Daughter, would you like to take a tent? B: Mom, there will be thongs - there will be a tent, and a sleeping bag, and everything will be ... German scientists have created an antiviagus for quiet and thoughtful viewing of porn movies. At the medical examiner, the prairie sitting on the stowage table stands - at the seams - a naked praiman. There are all naked men naked. Hyperg writes it to the magazine, looks at the interpreter, at the middle of the body, and says: - What, have you already married? A pledger looks at the middle of his body and says, “Why?” So noticeable? - Hy, ring on your finger ...
Two brothers decided to go fishing, they bought a jeep, a tackle, a scooter for such a thing, they booed up with food and food. By the end of the week of drunkenness caught a small fish. One of them thought and said: “Count up, Kolyan, this fish cost us a hundred bucks ...” Kolyan also thought and said: “It's good that we caught only one ...”

A girl whispers, surrendering in the backseat of the six hundred Merc: - I do not care about this luxury! I don't care about that money! I do not care about this car! I don't care that you're rich, and I'm from Uryupinsk! Man puffing: - And I do not care! I am a driver!
The US Air Force left Uzbekistan ahead of time, they were accelerated by a Topol-M rocket flying after ...
The mother says to her daughter before the wedding: - You should never be fully revealed before your husband. Understand, in a woman there must be a riddle, a secret, some secret ... - For example? - Well, for example, never completely strip off before him, even if something is a little bit, but it will be hidden. This man inflames. Some time after the wedding, the son-in-law calls the mother-in-law: - Listen, mom, did everyone in your family have a normal psyche? - Yes, why? - Nothing, of course, only your daughter has been in bed for a week only in a hat lies down ...
- Hi, Bush! - Hi, Nuts! - Where is the brain?
Advice to the groom: if you want to know how your future wife will fade out in 20-30 years, look at her mother. Advice to the bride: if you want to know how harmful your future husband will be in 20-30 years, look at HIS mom!
It is known that the flu treat-do not treat, it passes itself after 7 days. Everyone knows the popular remedy for the "prophylaxis" of the flu, "ANAFERON." Try replacing the letter “f” with the letter “x” in the name of the medicine! (and add "?") A radical way of dealing with bribes among traffic cops (or as they are now called there) - you need to make a form for them without pockets.

In the Georgian kindergarten. Teacher: -Date, well, yeshte! Children: - Neeeet Tutor: - Dety, well, for mom - Neeeet - Well, then for dad - Neeet - Well, then for beautiful Russian women - Wah, cham-cham-cham-cham ...
The teacher enters the classroom. - Children, the Xerox broke down in the staff room, so we write everything dictation. From the red line: Invoice-faq-tuuuraa ..
The cows were brought to the meat processing plant, one addressing the other: - Is this your first time? Second: - No b .. I! Second.
Waiting for his wife when the furniture will be brought. The doorbell, it opens, the loader stands with some component of the furniture. She to him: Who are you? He: Loader. She unzips his pants and blows. The loader is stunned, but satisfied, he returns to the car and talks about what happened to another loader, who grabs the next piece of furniture and runs to the woman. Everything repeats ... She: Who are you? Loader2: Loader! She unzips his pants and blows. Loader2 returns to the car for the next piece of furniture and tells all to the driver of the truck in which they carry furniture. He says: All now I will go! Rises, rings the doorbell, the woman opens, says: Who are you? He: the driver! She gives him money for the delivery and already wants to close the door, as he nervously shouts out: How so! And the blowjob ??? She replies: Damn! Husband said: Money - a chauffeur, loaders - SOW!
The banker died. The notary reads the testament: "... and to Ivanov, whom I promised not to forget when drawing up the will, I convey my heartfelt greetings ..."
Latvia turned to Russia with a desire to revise the results of the Second World War. Russia: - And let us re-tell you!
After a meeting with her husband, who is serving time, the wife came to the head of the prison and asked for her husband to give her work easier. “No one has strained the glue on paper bags,” they answer. - Yes, but he says that some tunnel is digging at night ...
The prisoner complains to the warden: - This is just a disgrace! We are fed worse than ever! Here, tell me what I found in the bread today: a file!
Chairman of the City Prison Inspection Commission: - For the first time, I see that prisoners are happy with the prisoners in prison! - And this is because we organize for them a wide variety of activities. - And which one of them is the most popular? - Open Day.
Chukchi received a new apartment and shows the guests. First room: "I have a tundra here." Second room: "I have a tundra here." Cuisine: "I have a tundra here." Toilet: "My chum is here." He is asked: "Where do you go to the toilet?" - "To the tundra!"
Got a Chukchi apartment and shows off to friends: - The apartment is good, only the wash basin is strange: I press the handle, water starts to flow; I still have time to wash my hands, but I don’t brush my teeth.
Once the Chukchi came to the store:
- However, how much does this harmonica cost?
- We do not sell harmonica to the Chukchi.
Chukcha went, changed clothes under the crest.
- Skilki bude accordion cost?
- We do not sell harmonica to the Chukchi.
Went, changed clothes under the Georgian.
“Pa-what is this accordion?”
- We do not sell accordions to the Chukchi.
- And how do you find out every time that I am a Chukchi?
- And only the Chukchi can call an accordion steam heating battery.
Sits man, clogs the joint. A cow approaches:
- What are you, man, doing? At home, the children are not fed, the work is worth it, and then the devil knows what you are doing !!!
The man thought, threw the grass, the joint. Going home and seeing: another
the peasant scores. Our man to him:
- What are you doing ?! Homeless children ....
Throw a joint!
“Did that cow tell you?”
- Yes .
- So she drives!
Drug addicts have agreed to hold a party at one of them, they promised to bring and smoke and spread. Only agreed that no one would accept anything before their arrival. And so, sitting alone, waiting for friends. Waiting for an hour, waiting for two. Tired of waiting for him, but he himself also had something. He told them not to wait, accept, but in order not to forget what to say when friends come and ring the door, write it on a piece of paper. He wrote, hung it on the door, kunnul, threw the wheels, spread. Sits kicks. The doorbell rings, the addict walks to the door and reads: - Who is there? From the door comes the answer: - This is us, a comma, your friends !!!
The teacher asks Vovochka if he knows Tsiolkovsky, Kulibin, Popov? “Do you know Gray, Tooth and Kun?” “I don’t know,” the dumbfounded teacher answers. - Well, there is nothing to frighten me with my gang.