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Two children in the kindergarten after the New Year:
- And for the New Year, they presented me such a radio-controlled machine with buttons, and such a gun shoots with bullets, and also a box of chocolates and much more. What have you got?
“Is that all?”
- Well, not everyone has blood cancer ...
In kindergarten, teachers discuss the scenario of the New Year's party.
- Children need to somehow cheer so that everyone is happy.
- And let the Snow Maiden spray from a gas spray ...
- Then it’s better to call riot police, let them wave with batons ...
“Let’s immediately let the terrorists blow up two hundred grams of TNT equivalent.” Who will survive - will certainly be pleased!
A drunk man comes to the toilet and says:
“Ichthyander, my son!”
- What, father?
Man sticking fingers in his mouth:
- I brought you something to eat ...
Madam, I didn’t have you in my thoughts ...
We will postpone the prelude for later ...
Sometimes without vodka it’s hard to be a man ...
Here it is just not necessary to remove earrings! ..
With such a salary, it’s hard to be loved ...
You looked better in the virtual ...
Men's beard should be Blue! ..
With a catheter in the groin do not build eyes!
At least once they would have refused for decency ...
Today you are more beautiful than tomorrow! ..
Oh, how would the rocker go to you! ..
And again you preferred bed to friendship ...
You, dear, know how to chess?! ..
Such an end will not become a crown!
My favorite! You are better off in clothes ...
You are romantic, like Kafka’s novels ...
No, this is not possible heating pad ...
I carried flowers, and you are already in bed ...
He, like a baby, did not hold his head ...
I will give you exactly one hour to get carried away by me ...
What have you denied yourself by refusal! ..
Shot when trying not to get married.
Let's be friends again! ..
There are provisions where you do not need a way out ...
An erection should be stately ...
Yesp, voicing porn ...
Castrated but undefeated ...
Who is as good as you with me?! ..
For the fourth time, it won’t hurt you like that ...
In vain "Hyundai Hoh!" I screamed onanista ...
Shirinka did not hide the bitter truth ...
How many I did not promise to marry! ..
How painful it is to know that horseradish is not sweeter than radish! ..
The ambiguous phrase: "I have the honor!" ..
You will not surprise me with your death ...
How romantic - to finish under the fence ...
Than to live with you - it’s better to live with yourself ...
It’s not so easy to stand in the aisle ...
Though resembling lusts to surrender ...
He only satisfied curiosity ...
Whom the quadrille, I will leave behind the scenes ...
He lost his temper, but without an orgasm ...
Such I love traction! ..
You have adultery ...
I don’t remember what clothes you wear ...
He moved faster than the gonococcus ...
Though it looks up, but still - it does not convince ...
And to me without you, in fact, as with you ...
Sometimes more pleasant, not knowing the name ...
Why are you with an erection - on the bus?! ..
But "Masturbator" is not a Mongolian city?! ..
He was an active member of the homosexual ...
You can stay. But - get dressed ...
But I'm prettier than a vibrator! ..
And in the morning you are again in an evening dress ...
Well, your profession is not ancient! ..
It’s not yours to master, so languages ..
- Comrade HR officer, do you recruit with names on "ich"?
- And on the "zones"?
- What more!
- And on the "ko"?
“This is please.”
- Kogan! Go here!
- What is miracle judo?
- Jewish child admitted to the mechmath of Moscow State University this year.
Rabinovich is not hired, despite the fact that he is Russian.
- With such a surname I’d better take a Jew! - says the boss.
Some women go all their lives on 10-centimeter stiletto heels, tug the undercoat all over the body, blow silicone under the skin, remove the lower pairs of ribs, pump out fat, cut the skin on the face, but they don’t like anal sex - you see, it hurts!
- 99.99% of men at least once in their life were engaged in masturbation.
- Well, and these, which are in 0.01%, what’s the matter with them?
- It's armless.
Girls! Are you afraid to walk the dark streets at night? Spread pork fat on your legs, and a cheerful flock of yard dogs will not let anyone near you!
- Dad, dad, I will never go sledding with you again!
- Do not talk, but pull harder, asshole! ..
A little boy with mom comes to the doctor for an examination. The doctor examines him and asks:
- Boy, boy, how old are you?
- This year will be seven!
- What optimists are we !!!!!
Two girlfriends are talking.
“How could you call me a fool with everyone?”
- Sorry, you didn’t warn that you were hiding ...
People often ask: Which is better - oral sex or Klinskoe beer?
Answer: Of course, oral sex! It’s nice, it relaxes, relieves stress and tension ... But, on the other hand, you don’t tell your friends: “Everyone blows, I treat you !!!”
Morning in a gypsy family:
Whoever woke up before was dressed the most beautiful of all ...
What does a Russian do when his team wins the World Cup? turns off the playstation and goes to bed!
Cinderella, ride your carriage and meet the prince.
- I don’t know, all men are goats! Better conjure me a million!
“I'm not a witch, I'm a fairy.”
- Do you have so many nafey?
-Mom, take the fairies!
-No, I use proven tools!
-Mom, take the fairies while the seller doesn’t look!
In Moscow, everything is so expensive! "Lamborghini Diablo" to buy 500 thousand dollars worth. For comparison, in Saransk, a kilogram of buckwheat is 12 rubles.
In the head of my sawdust - It does not matter.
Because I'm blonde ... yes, yes, yes!
Two friends meet.
- Where were you?
- I ran for bread ...
- And what, caught up?
Military unit? ... Smoking room. 4 lieutenants are sitting. One offers to go to the unit commander to ask for a vacation. They got up and went. The first comes to the commander:
- Comrades Colonel, Lieutenant Pupkin. Allow on vacation.
- What! On vacation, you say? Let's rationalize rationalization proposal) - go on vacation!
- Easy! You’re mowing grass under the window of a soldier. Che is he scytheing in one direction? Let's tie the second braid to him, let him mow left and right!
- Well done! On vacation!
The second comes in:
- Let's make a suggestion ...
- Easy! You’re mowing grass under the window of a soldier. Che is he scytheing back and forth? Let's tie the pitchfork to the braid, let it pile up right away!
- Well done! On vacation!
The third comes in:
- Let's make a suggestion ...
- Easy! You’re mowing grass under the window of a soldier. Che he waved back and forth, piles grass in piles? Let's tie a trolley to him, let him take him right away!
- Well done! On vacation!
The fourth comes in:
- Let's make a suggestion ...
- I do not know.
- Well-oo-oo-oo ... So go think. Come up with it!
It turns out the lieutenant on the porch, lights up nervously, is "turnip wrinkles."
And then this soldier approaches him. With this crap in his hands with a trolley tied up, all sweaty, exhausted. And so viciously, he asks the lieutenant:
“What, comrade lieutenant, do you want to go on vacation ?!”
- Yeah ...
- B ... b, you can’t come up with a rational proposal ?!
- Yeah ...
- B ..., I HEADLIGHT ON THE FOREER !!! HEADLIGHT !!! TO Mow at night !!!
A man calls from a deep hangover to his sidekick:
- Vasya, did we drink beer yesterday?
-And drank vodka?
- Did you drink rocket fuel?
-And you have not gone to shit?
- Vasya, don’t go, I’m calling from Tokyo!
After his death, Sherlock Holmes enters purgatory, he has to go through three tests. They bring him 10 absolutely identical young men, it is necessary to determine: which of them is the first man Adam.
After a few minutes he leads: As determined, they ask, it just says he has no navel.
They stuck a navel, mixed with the remaining nine. After a couple of hours he leads: as defined? I had to touch it, he had no ribs.
Corrected the rib, mixed. Holmes does not appear for a long time, however, leads. “Right, how did you know?”
Deduction Method: I told them - You all go to his mother’s %%%% mother, one stayed, the rest left.
- Eh, this mood disappears .. Can I kick your dog?
Explanatory soldier of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation:
On that date, I was in a daily dress company, the TV was on the bedside table, it had a video player on it, and a music center was nearby. Then I blinked ...
“Doctor, write me a Viagra.”
- What problems?
“Yes, doctor, it’s not worth it to work.”
- Vaseline is better for work.
The addict "finishes" the third jamb:
- Oh, I'm flying, I'm flying!
A drunk creeps past:
- Give me a wate!
- Well, on ...
The wino dragged on once, another ...
-Something I’m not curing a damn ?!
-Ah, give me here! Born to crawl cannot fly!
Husband and wife drive a car and quarrel. Driving past one village, they suddenly see a couple of pigs. Wife:
- Your relatives?
- Yeah, mother-in-law with a father-in-law.
In a compartment on the lower shelf a man rides. Night. Everybody sleeps. Suddenly, a man sees that lumps of shit are falling right on top of him from the top shelf. A man jumps up, pushes a passenger on the top shelf:
- Comrade! Comrade Wake up, you crap!
- I don’t sleep ...
- Bond, James Bond.
- Brother, nurse.
New yogurt has finally come out! The pieces of fruit came out especially well!
- I heard that Vasya drank the right Bochkarev after the bath - and how he was born again!
- What, there was no hangover?
- No - crawled, wrote, could not speak ....
For the filming of the television project "HOUSE-3" they decided to invite Moldovans.
They didn’t give a damn about love, and in a month they rebuilt the whole block.
- How to determine that Friday has arrived?
- If I drink beer in the evening, then it’s definitely Friday. Sometimes up to seven Fridays a week.
Traffic cop - to the driver.
- You are welcome.
- What for?
- I like the smell!
Announcement: "I’ll urgently buy glasses in any frame with diopter -9. I stand near the Sokolniki metro station and wave my hands."
How to say in a word in English: "Wife and mother-in-law left for the cottage, and took their children with them?" - Yes !!!
There are no one to perform in Moscow strip clubs. Session.
- The third day I do not want to work. What would that mean? ..
-Today is Wednesday!
Yesenin, Sasha Bely and Mayakovsky are sitting in front of a bottle, let’s say cognac.
They decide that whoever writes a rhyme drinks so much.
Yesenin: "A fish swims along the bottom. I will drink one glass!"
Pours a glass and drinks.
White: "Fish swim along the bottom. I'll drink two glasses!"
Pours himself a pair of glasses and drinks. Mayakovsky looked around everyone, and:
"You guys are great!
I'll drink the rest! "
I ate President oil, but I never became president.
He smoked a pack of Attache cigarettes, but the attaché never worked out of me.
And only when I drank Kozel beer, I felt like it was starting to act ..
A naked woman looks exactly as far as she can be seen.
Two lawyers come into the cafe, order drinks and get sandwiches.
“Sorry,” says the bartender, “but we can't eat our own food.”
Lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and change their sandwiches ...
Two traffic cops notice a car racing, well, at very high speed.
One of them goes to the middle of the road and gives a stop sign. The car knocks him down and so stops after 100 meters.
Another traffic cop approaches the driver and asks:
- How are we with the documents?
“Just like with the brakes,” the driver answers.
To prevent people from throwing out a new disc of Dima Bilan right after listening, he posted on it a train schedule, a ruler and a calendar for 2005 ...
- And I found a coin in bed yesterday. It's nice - someone wants to come back!
Girlfriends share news:
- Oh, and Irina was so lucky: she and her husband went on vacation in Hawaii!
- And Marina was even luckier: she went there without a husband!
The inscription on the "Gazelle":
"For sale" Gazelle "born 1995 did not go on the route."
"Dear listeners! Today we are summing up our quiz.
The first to the question "Where do women have the most curly hair?" answered the fourth grader Vasya Ivanov. That's right, Vasya is in Congo! "After some time, a letter arrives at the editorial office:" Dear editorial staff! Thank you for your informative programs. Now I know where my wife has a Congo. "
The programmer is asked:
- How many children?
- Two sons.
- For how many years?
After a pause: - One is already playing on the computer, but the second is not ...
A female doctor cannot fall asleep - her conscience and reason argue. Conscience: "You can’t sleep peacefully after you cheated on your husband!" Reason: "It depends on what! If the husband is always for nyat, he doesn’t have enough time for sex - then the saint will change. It’s right that she has changed ... I don’t, I don’t, I don’t ..." Conscience: "Betrayal is betrayal! with a patient - violation of medical ethics! " Reason: "Yes, but remember Ivanova from the 25th clinic. She regularly has sex with patients - everyone is happy, everyone is good." Conscience is silent. A woman falls into a dream ... And suddenly - conscience in a caustic whisper: "Yes, but Ivanova is not a veterinarian!"
“Doctor, I'm losing hair a lot!” What should I do to keep them?
- Oh, it's easy! Put them in a box!
Riding in a wheelbarrow 5 sticks.
Stop at the traffic light, wait, the traffic light is on. Red, yellow, green, red, yellow, green, and so on several times ... One torchek asks the carrier:
- Seryoga, why aren’t you going ??
- (drove onto the steering wheel) I don't have time !!!!!
A man makes a hole for the curtain. Puncher. Noise, rumble, dust ...
The mother-in-law comes into the room and asks:
- What, son, are you hanging the curtains? A man turns:
- Well, you blasphemy yelling, old ?! The baby is sleeping !!
Four o'clock in the morning. The traffic cop sleeps at home with his wife, suddenly in a dream begins to cry frantically: - Fura! Wagon! Wife (reassuringly): - She is empty, empty ...
A landing plane flies, an officer comes out to the paratroopers and says: “Guys we are flying to Afghanistan,” the guys frowned, but the officer continues: “For the head of every killed dushman, we will pay a bonus of $ 1,000.” The plane lands, the paratroopers in loose, the officer alone does not have time to open his mouth, after 30 minutes the paratroopers return, dragging huge bundles of heads. The officer, almost fainting, says: "Guys, we sat in Tashkent for refueling" ...
There is a socialist revolution in an African country. Cuba:
- Comrades, we support you !!! We send 50 000 thousand tons of oranges in wooden boxes, you will make stocks for AKM from them!
- Thank you comrades!
- Comrades, we support your revolution !!! We send 100 000 thousand tons of tomatoes in metal boxes, make them cartridges for AKM!
- Thank you comrades for your help!
- Comrades, we support your revolution !!! We send you 1000 eggs! - ?????, and what packaging?
- As always - Blue takes and Tail boots!
Americans after a visit to Urkaina are asked:
- What did you like in Ukraine?
- Everything! And the country and the people, I am delighted.
- What didn’t you like?
- Ham - too salty and completely without meat.
“Darling, whisper to me three words from which I will be in the ninth heaven!”
- A rope in the closet!
It turns out in the morning a traffic cop on the road, head after yesterday cracked. Looks - the jeep rushes. Well, he stopped him in order to raise funds for sober. He looks, and there the bum is sitting. I checked the documents - it’s true, a homeless car. Well, the cop asks him:
- You're a bum. Where did you get such a cool car?
- And I was offered drunk new Russians, if I make them laugh - my jeep. Well, I made them laugh.
- But as?
- Yes, I didn’t give a shit to one bald man, his hair grew right away, there was a lot of scream.
The cop takes off his hat, there is a bald spot. He says:
“Can you give me a shit like that?”
- I can.
A homeless person will shave the cop on his bald head, and from the bushes there is a laughter and a cry:
- No, well, finally, yes I’ll give him a hut as well.
- Hello! Technical department ?! I’m typing a password - but they’re not letting me in!
- Means, it is necessary to type correctly.
- I'm typing right! Five stars!
Moishe is a father, a merchant.
Abram is a son, just 18 years old.
Sarah is the mother, wife of Moyshe.
The first working day of Abram in his father’s store. About 15 o’clock, Sarah phoned:
“Moshe, how does the son manage, will something come out of him?”
- He will be a trader, but he still has to be taught and taught.
“Why is he doing something wrong?”
- When the change returns - cries!
“Watching my mother try on a new natural fur coat,” Vovochka remarked:
“Mom, do you understand that this fur coat is the result of the terrible suffering of a poor, miserable animal?”
Mom looked at Vovoch strictly and answered:
- How can you say that about your own father? !!
- I remember that in my youth I used to drink a bucket of beer easily, but now I can only half a bucket ...
- Well, has your health become very poor?
- No, the muzzle will not crawl further than the middle!
Do you know why, at a Jewish wedding, the groom cannot customarily kiss the bride?
Because next to the groom his mother sits and repeats all the time:
A man rides on a bus:
-Girl, break the ticket,
-A magic word?
-Cribble, crab, boom?
Doorbell. A man opens and sees a small death with a scythe ...
- Ah, I know, I know ... Have you come for my canary?
- No, man. I am impotence!
- Hello, dear, what do you like more - bananas or peaches?
- Are you in the market?
- No, at the pharmacy.
On the radio, a man calls the program at the request of the audience: - I'm on a business trip. I want to say hello to my wife, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and three children, and ask them to put for them the song of the band Kipelov, "I am free!"
The answer to the young people, to the question: “How to feed a wounded woodpecker?”: - The woodpecker must be taken by the tail and beat with a beak on a tree.
A Georgian, a former musician who played the flute, tells about his life: - I remember playing for the African king, he really liked it and he wanted us to see the gold manet how many fit into the instrument. Balsa drum vlez 2000 manet. Vialanchel vlez 1000 manat. In this bl @ dsky instrument no adyn manet ne vlez! - I remember they played for the German king, he liked it very much and he would like to see the marks for us how many fit into the instrument. Balsa drum vlez of 3000 marks. Vialanchellez 2000 marks. In this bl @ dsk tool no adyn mark ne vlez. - They played for the Russian king, he didn’t like it very much, and he we should put it in the ass for each of his instruments. Balsa drum in the ass ne vlez. Vialanchel in the ass.
- The bun is wounded! He lost a lot of dough! - Baker !! Is there a baker here?
According to the terms of the reality show, each participant could take only 1 item with him to the island. Vanya took the book; Petya a magnetophone; Vasya took a computer, and Vovochka took a rubber woman ............ And a month later he got a book and a magnetophone ... and .....
- Do you need an artist? - And in what genre do you work? - In the genre of easel painting. - Fine, take it! We will paint machines.
A married couple is discussing the latest film premiere. “Darling, I don’t understand what everyone found in this Angelina Jolie.” Well, what happens if you discard her pretty face, sensual lips, uplifting breasts, chiseled figure, cat's grace? - You.
The last words of the second pilot (from the decryption of the "black box" of the crashed plane): - Vasya, but I joked that she was sleeping with me!
News from the zoo: Dana Borisova argued with the kangaroo for half an hour, proving to her that such bags were no longer worn.
Riddle: the most harmful insect, the back is black, the belly is white, legs in the manure. Answer: summer resident.
A mother of three children was hospitalized. The husband stayed with the housework. In the morning he got up, shaved, prepared breakfast, woke the children, washed, dressed, combed his hair, fed him, took two of them to school, the third to kindergarten. I went to the factory, worked at the machine until lunch, ran to the wholesaler for lunch, bargained in queues, got out, dragged to work, did not have time to eat - got up at the machine, plowed until the end of the shift. I ran around the shops, jumped into the garden, picked up, sat in the parent's meeting, dragged everything and everyone home, cooked dinner, fed the children, washed, stroked, washed the dishes, checked the lessons from the elders, read the younger one for the night, put everyone to sleep. He stands in the bathroom in front of the mirror, winds up the curlers and thinks: “Will they really fuck ?!”
Call to a travel agency. - You sell Egypt? .. - Yes, of course we sell ... - Tell me, what resorts are there? - Sharm el Sheikh, Hurghada, Taba, Nuweiba ... - Oh, stop, Nuweiba, as if Nuweiba suits me! - When are you going to go? - But no, we’re solving a crossword puzzle here, thank you, Nuweiba is coming.
There is a lecture on life safety at the institute. Audience professor: - You are a construction foreman. In front of your eyes, a worker is falling from the forests and shattering to death. What are your first steps? Students: - Call an ambulance! - Call the police! - Tell relatives! etc. Professor: - Put on a helmet and a safety belt on the corpse, otherwise the police will come for you.
Ivan the Fool gathered to marry Vasilisa the Beautiful. Of course, the Serpent Gorynych is right there: - You, Ivanushka, says, before the wedding, empty the bathhouse. Yes, my grandmother toddles for me and forgive. Ivanushka twisted, but there was nothing to do: he was going to heat the bathhouse. To meet three heroes: - What, mole, - sadness, longing? Ivanushka complained about his fate. Bogatyrs to him: - You, Ivanushka, do not twist - instead of Vasilisa, you will bring us to the bathhouse, and there will already be our care. So they did. Ivanushka buried herself near the bathhouse - looks, Gorynych climbed into the bathhouse. An hour passed, two, three hours - silence. Ivanushka lost his patience, ran into the bathhouse and sees such a picture. Ilya Muromets holds one head of the Serpent under the right armpit, the other - under the left, clamped the third between the knees, Dobrynya Nikitich Snake "draws up" from behind. Alyosha Popovich stands in front of the Serpent, props up his cheek with his palm and says, shaking his head: - You are a fool, a fool! If you had one head and three assholes, you would have been at home for a long time !! - Daughter, did you eat all the dumplings ??? - Yes, daddy. - Well done, BITCH - ALL IN MOM !!! “Grass is not a drug.” hear the grass, you're not a drug .. - Yes, hear, hear, I'm not a drug .. Two friends are sitting in the yard for a beer. One, pointing to a kid running past, says: - And this is my Vaska from his first marriage. Then, nodding his head at the girls running past: - And this is Tanka and Manka from the second and third marriages. “Why are you married three times?” - Well no! I'm talking about condom marriage !!
- And why do you always say kebab - mashlyk? - And we have a patamuchta of such cultures - cultures! News: Son calls mom to work: Mom tell me how to spell a bra? Mom, son, are you, why do you need this? Yes, we were given the task of telling who mom works. Son, I'm an accountant. The boy is 8 years old. The blonde is going to Altai. “We need to get a thong ... so what else?” Oh, thong! And also? Oh, like a thong !!! Mother: Daughter, well, you should at least take a tent. B: Mom, there will be thongs - there will be a tent, and a sleeping bag, and everything will be ... German scientists have created antiviagra for a calm and thoughtful viewing of porn films. At the medical board of the breeders in front of the surgeon, sitting on a stool, stands - pyki at the seams - a naked bastard. There, all the housekeepers are naked. The hipster writes it to the magazine, looks at the breeder, at the middle of the body, and says: - What, already married? The bastard looks at himself in the middle of the body and says, externally: - But what? So noticeable? - Hy, the ring w on the finger ...
Two brothers decided to go fishing, bought a jeep, gear, a scooter for such a thing, stocked up with booze, food. By the end of the week of drinking, a small fish was caught. One of them thought for a moment and said: “Count on, Kolyan, this fish cost us a hundred bucks ... Kolyan also thought and said:“ It's good that we caught only one ...
The girl whispers, surrendering in the back seat of the six hundredth Mercedes: - I do not care about this luxury! I do not care about the money! I don't care about this car! I do not care that you are rich, and I'm from Uryupinsk! Man panting: - And I do not care! I am a driver!
The US Air Force left Uzbekistan ahead of schedule, acceleration was given to them by the Topol-M rocket flying next ...
Mother says to her daughter before the wedding: - You should never open completely to your husband. Understand that a woman must have a riddle, secret, some secret ... - For example? “Well, for example, never completely expose yourself to him, even if something is just a little, but it will be hidden.” This is a man inflames. Some time after the wedding, my mother-in-law calls my mother-in-law: - Listen, mom, did you all have a normal psyche in your family? - Yes, why? - Nothing, of course, only your daughter has been in bed for a week now, only in a hat ...
- Hello Bush! - Hi, Nuts! - Where's the brain?
Advice to the groom: if you want to know how your future wife will look in 20-30 years - look at her mother. Advice to the bride: if you want to know how harmful your future husband will be in 20-30 years - look at HIS mom!
It is known that heal, do not heal the flu; after 7 days it passes by itself. Everyone knows a popular medicine for the "prevention" of influenza - "ANAFERON." Try replacing the letter "f" with the letter "x" in the name of the medicine! (and add "?") A radical way to deal with bribes among traffic cops (or what they are called there right now) is to make the form Without Pockets for them.
In the Georgian kindergarten. Teacher: -Deti, well, yes! Children: -Neeeeet Educator: -Deti, well, for mom -Neeeeet -Well then for dad -Neeet -Well then for beautiful Russian women -Wah, cham-cham-cham-cham ...
The teacher enters the classroom. - Children, the xerox broke in the teacher’s room, so we all write a dictation. From the red line: Account-fak-tuuuraa ..
The cows were brought to the meat processing plant, one turning to the other: - The first time? Second: - No b..ya! Second.
Waiting for his wife when the furniture is brought. The doorbell rings, it opens, the loader stands with some piece of furniture. She told him: Who are you? He: Loader. She unfastens his fly and gives a blowjob. The loader was stunned, but satisfied, returned to the car and told the other loader what had happened; he grabbed the next component of the furniture and ran to the woman. Everything repeats ... She: Who are you? Loader 2: Loader! She unfastens his fly and gives a blowjob. Loader 2 returns to the car after the track with a piece of furniture and tells the driver of the truck in which they carry furniture. He says: All now I will go! Rises, rings the doorbell, the woman opens, says: Who are you? He: the driver! She gives him the money for delivery and already wants to close the door, as he shouts nervously: How so! A blowjob ??? She replies: Nothing! The husband said: Money - to the driver, loaders - to suck!
The banker has died. The notary reads the will: "... and Ivanov, whom I promised not to forget when drawing up the will, I convey my heartfelt greetings ..."
Latvia turned to Russia with the desire to review the results of World War II. Russia: - And let us show you!
After meeting with her husband, who is serving time, the wife came to the head of the prison and asked to give her husband easier work. “Nobody has yet torn on sticking paper bags,” they answer her. - Yes, but he says that at night a tunnel digs ...
The prisoner complains to the overseer: - It's just a disgrace! We are fed worse than ever! Here, wipe off what I found today in the bread: file!
Chairman of the City Prison Verification Commission: - For the first time, I see that prisoners are happy with their prison terms! - And this is because we organize a wide variety of events for them. “And which one is the most popular?” - Open Day.
Chukchi received a new apartment and shows the guests. First room: "Here I have a tundra." Second room: "Here I have a tundra." Cuisine: "Here I have a tundra." Toilet: "Here is my plague." They ask him: "And where do you go to the toilet?" - "Into the tundra!"
The Chukchi got an apartment and boasts to friends: - The apartment is good, only the washstand is strange: I press the handle, water starts to pour; I still have time to wash my hands, but not to brush my teeth.
Once the Chukchi came to the store:
“However, how much does this accordion cost?”
- We do not sell accordions to the Chukchi.
The Chukchi went, changed clothes under the crest.
- Will the harmonica cost cost?
- We do not sell accordions to the Chukchi.
Went, changed clothes under the Georgian.
- Pa-and what this accordion?
- We do not sell accordions to the Chukchi.
- And how do you know every time that I am a Chukchi?
- And only the Chukchi can call the accordion a steam heating battery.
A man is sitting, hammering a joint. A cow approaches him:
- What are you doing, man ?! At home, the children are unfeeding, the work is worth it, but you damn know what you are doing !!!
A man thought, threw the grass, a jamb. He goes home and sees: another
man clogs. Our man to him:
- What are you doing ?! At home, the children are not fed ....
Throw the jamb!
“Did the cow tell you that?”
- Yes .
- So she drives !!!
Addicts agreed to have a party at one of them, promised to bring and smoke, and to expand. They only agreed that no one should accept anything before their arrival. And so, sitting alone, waiting for friends. An hour is waiting, two is waiting. Tired of waiting for him, but he himself also had something. He cut them not to wait, to accept, but in order not to forget what to say, when friends come and ring the doorbell, write this on a piece of paper. He wrote, hung it on the door, smoked, threw himself wheels, and expanded. Sits, kicks. The doorbell rings, an addict approaches the door and reads: “Who is it?” An answer comes from behind the door: - This is us, comma, your friends !!!
The teacher asks Vovochka if he knows Tsiolkovsky, Kulibin, Popov? “Do you know Gray, Toothed and Kunyu?” “I don't know,” the dumbfounded teacher answers. “Well, there’s nothing to scare me with your gang.”