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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Ahtung rode across the river,
Sees Achtung - in the Achtung River.
Sunul Achtung Achtung to Achtung,
akhtung akhtung akhtung akhtung.

Yesterday, at a lecture, a stoned professor showed electromagnetic waves.
Half of the students saw them ...

If people go to work as a holiday, then what is going on at home ???

-Do you have water?
-Not water, but water.
-Then give me water !!!
-Not water, but water. - Yes, I see you get drunk!

Useful advice.
If you glue the battery with pieces of leather from an old sheepskin coat with the fur out - you will have a furry and warm pet.

The body with severe alcohol intoxication is in a state close to death, and instinctively seeks to continue the genus.
A watchman escaped from the zoo ... although perhaps the lions are not saying anything.
Drivers are divided into two categories: kamikaze - those who are ahead of you, and brakes - those who are ahead of you.
New yogurt has finally come out! The pieces of fruit came out especially well ...
A pervert ostrich has been found in Africa. All ostriches stick their heads in the sand, and this one is even inconvenient to speak, and even not in their own ...
On the program "Field of Miracles", players were embarrassed for eight hours to guess the word "ass."
Moldavian gymnasts mixed up doping with Viagra. Their performance with a horse will excite the minds of impressionable fans for a long time to come.
If we are destined to crap in life, then let it not be from herring with milk, but from trout with cream.
You know - it turns out that the flame in the lighter smells of burnt nose hairs.
Werewolf Alyonushka turns into a log at night!
An offer to go to a restaurant more often ends with sex than just an offer to have sex.
Sign: If the swallows fly low, then they overeat.
Massovik in-about-from with such an entertainer !!!

- Dear - it seems you will soon become a dad!
- And what - Benedict XVI got sick ?!

The guy catches up with the girl:
- Girl, girl, can I meet you?
(girl turning around): - NO!
- Oh b ... and thank God!

- No, in this position I can’t before the wedding.

At the reception, the wife of her husband:
You’ve already run ten times with a plate for food! Are not you ashamed?!
“No, I said it was for you.”

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest. Towards the Gray Wolf:
“Little Red Riding Hood, do you want me to kiss you in a place where no one has kissed yet?” Little Red Riding Hood (puffing on a cigarette):
- To the basket, or what?

“I'm getting married tomorrow.”
- For love?
- Her dad said: "Anyway!"

The Wolf meets Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and says:
- Well, Hat, you and I have two options for the development of events: either a merger or a takeover.

The teacher is going to put Vovochka another deuce, and he goes to her and says:
-Marya Ivanovna, I certainly don’t want to scare you, but dad said that there’s one more deuce and someone will get pussies.

The manager of a large company is recruiting young, promising staff. There comes a bunch of resumes from which 10 candidates for a certain position are selected. The next stage is the interview that the manager conducts in person.
He is a very cool specialist, an expert in his field, but there is a small defect - he does not have auricles, ears are shorter.
The first candidate comes in, with an excellent education, work experience, demonstrates extensive knowledge of the business: the manager says:
And the last question:
“Do you notice anything unusual in my appearance?”
- Well, well, you have no auricles.
- Thanks. You are an excellent specialist: We will notify you of our decision by e-mail.
The following comes in, graduated with honors from a prestigious university, etc.:
- Well, the last question: do you notice anything unusual in my appearance?
- Well, it seems like you have no ears.
- Thanks. You are an excellent specialist. We will notify you of our decision by e-mail.
The story is repeated many times, but after another unsuccessful interview, the penultimate of the invited candidates comes out and says to the last:
“It's okay, just don't say anything about his ears.”
He comes in, also turns out to be a high-class specialist with an excellent education and hears the last question:
“Do you notice anything unusual in my appearance?”
- Well, how, you have drop dead contact lenses !!!
- Wow!!! I’ve been wearing it for a week, but no one noticed. How did you guess? !!
- Well, your work is complicated, nervous, sedentary. You work a lot with documents, probably spend many hours at the computer. With this way of life and at your age, it is almost impossible to maintain normal vision, and to wear glasses, you need at least cocksucker but ears.

“Girl, what are you doing tonight?”
- Birdhouse.
- What a birdhouse !?
- How what? Common - wooden.
- It's a pity, but I wanted to invite you to the cinema.
- Well, invite.
- Girl, let's go to the movies tonight.
- I can not.
- Why?
- And at my place the birdhouse is unfinished.

Son, you are already an adult, we decided it was time to talk with you.
- Wow! I thought you were dumb.

A man is selling a dog. Buyer asks:
- Is she healthy?
- Healthy!
- Clever?
- Clever!
- Right?
- True, I’m selling it for the fifth time.

Such arithmetic:
Smart man + smart woman = easy flirt.
Smart man + dumb woman = single mother.
Dumb man + smart woman = normal family.
Dumb man + dumb woman = mother-heroine.
Smart boss + smart subordinate = profit.
Smart boss + dumb subordinate = productivity.
Dumb boss + smart subordinate = career advancement.
Dumb boss + dumb subordinate = overtime.

A wheel pierced.
A man got out of the car, took out a jack, squatted down, unscrews.
A passerby asks: "What are you doing this?" "Oh, take off the wheel."
He quickly looks around, spits, takes out a crowbar from his quilted jacket and hits the windshield: "but I, perhaps, will take a tape recorder."

- You bring coffee to bed, honey?
- No, honey. I'll have breakfast with you.
- Amlet or fried eggs, bunny?
- Fried eggs from two eggs, fish.
“Wait, you don’t remember my name either?”
A man and a woman passionately make love at the edge of the forest.
Suddenly, a bear appears in a clearing. And says:
- Dear, my reverence, but are you not ashamed to denigrate the virgin beauty and chastity of this forest with such a shameless act of animal intercourse?
- Yes, I'm joking! TRAIN !!!

A wife comes to her husband, who sits on the Internet at night and says:
- Let's have sex, eh?
He answered her (not looking up from the monitor):
- Go get started, I'll come in about 10 minutes.

A man with a hangover gets up, walks into the bathtub with an uneven gait, approaches the mirror, looks intensely and speaks in a tormented voice.
- Well ..?
The whole face is straining.
- Well, oooh ...?
Veins swell on the forehead ..
- Well-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo ...?
Then the wife from the kitchen shouts:
- Vasya, go have breakfast.
- In - Vasya!

The computer science teacher enters the class five minutes before the start of the lesson.
Looks - all students are already sitting at the machines, stuffing programs.
The teacher approaches the general switch and disconnects the voltage throughout the class. An explosion of indignation sweeps through the class:
- We did not sign up!
The teacher, softening, turns on the switch:
- Well then, sign up.

I am not a mechanic. I don’t even know which end of the screwdriver hammer nails.

- Do not plan anything for tomorrow - there will be a buffet table.
- So the buffet today?
- So I say, do not plan anything for tomorrow
The recipe for a festive bachelor cake.
We take, then a kilogram of dumplings ...

On the operation. Surgeon:
- Clamp ... Tampon ... Scalpel ... Tampon ... Suction ...
- Sister! Suction is a tool!

A little boy walks with his dad at the zoo and sees a zebra:
- Dad, look, the highlighted horse!
- This is your mother a highlighted horse, and this, son, is a zebra ...

I have a friend. Every time I come to him, he washes the floors.
Once I asked him, they say that it’s you, no matter how I come, you always wash the floors? And he says:
- Our call is very loud, and the cat is very shy!

One man complains to another:
- Something m ... lice got ...
- And you do not treat them? ...
- Why treat them, they do not get sick ...

Young punker with mohawk in torn leather, pins and
toilet chains rolls around the yard baby stroller.
Old women sitting on a bench look into a stroller and
they ask:
“Mother, what is it that your little blue child?”
- A # $, fuck? Dead - that's blue.

The ensign is building a tank platoon on the parade ground.
- Private Ivanov!
- I!
- Fail in three steps!
- There is!
- Raise the tank!
- There is!
Private Ivanov approaches the tank and tries to lift it.
Naturally, to no avail.
- Comrade Warrant Officer, let me turn!
- Contact.
- I have no opportunity to raise the tank.
- Set aside. Private Petrov!
- I will fail!
- There is!
- Help Private Ivanov raise the tank!
- There is!
Another try.
- Comrade Warrant Officer, let me turn!
- Contact.
- We have no opportunity to raise the tank.
- Set aside. Platoon! Help Private Ivanov and Petrov
raise the tank!
A platoon surrounds the tank and tries to lift it. To no avail.
The sergeant comes out:
- Comrade Warrant Officer, let me turn!
- Contact.
- A platoon cannot raise a tank.
- And you thought! - Thirty tons!

If they could communicate in medical forums just like everywhere else ....
Newbie: Guys, I have a problem - the patient has come, one eye works, the other does not - what should I do? Urgently !!
Surgeon (old-timer): Ahhhhh !! One eye does not work, scream! (* laughs *)
Scalpel (old-timer): Damn, the lamers got it!
Admin (administrator): Beginner, read the forum rules, use the search. First warning.
Doctor_Lector (regular): Come on, help him. Do not see - a person has sorrow.
Guest1: Newbie, what do you want? Formulate the question correctly.
Newbie: Guest1, I want both gals to see. Can you tell me how to do this?
Guest1: Ahh, so that both see - I do not know then. I specialize in acupuncture.
Newbie: Admin, I used the search but didn’t find anything.
Help someone, the patient is on the table, I have already opened his lungs - it does not help !!
Surgeon (old-timer): Ahhh !! I opened the lung, I’ll flush myself now! (* laughs downhill *)
Guest2: Newbie, did the optic nerve check?
Nurse (experienced): Novice, which eye does not work - left or right?
Admin (administrator): The forum rules say that it is forbidden to ask questions about symmetrical organs. Also, what words were you looking for? By the word "eye"? And it was necessary - according to the "binocular eyepiece". Here - [a set of links] read about how to use the search on the forums.
Novice: Guest2, but where to look for the optic nerve? Swapped eyes, now both do not work :( ((Urgent - what to do, soon anesthesia ends.
Guest3: And what kind of patient is a Negroid or a Mongoloid?
Scalpel (old-timer): Guest3, what's the difference?
Guest3: Do you want to say that there is no difference between the Negroid and the Mongoloid? Even a beginner called a lamer =)
Doctor_Lector (regular): There is a difference between a Negroid and a Mongoloid, a fact.
Novice: How do I know the race?
Scalpel (old-timer): Ask the patient;)
Novice: Unconscious patient. Maybe it’s written in the passport?
Scalpel (old-timer): Guest3, there is a difference, but what is the difference in our particular case ??
Guest3: Scalpel, obvious. Negroids have large and bulging eyes, while Mongoloid eyes have narrow eyes - maybe the patient has narrowed eye slits, they need to be incised.
Newbie: Thank you, Guest3! I cut my eyelids - it became easier to take out the eyeballs. Rearranged again, do not work :(
PS: just in case, I cut my nostrils and anus.
Newbie: Hey, is there anyone?
Novice: What to do?
Novice: That's it, the topic is closed, I directed him to the optometrist.
Scalpel (old-timer): NOVICE, AND YOU ARE NOT AN OPHALIST ??? = 8-0
Newbie: Nope. Gynecologist.
Admin (admin): Novice, second warning.
Read the rules. Here is a forum of oculists. Another warning and - ban.
Surgeon (old-timer): Ahhhhh !! Gynecologist!! All, drain the water, I oussed! (* laughs *)

- Yesterday my wife fell ill, and today her mother came to take care of her.
- Yes, trouble never comes alone.

A young man is lying on a sofa, suddenly in a room
mother-in-law comes in with
a broom.
- Mom, are you tidying up? Or are you going to fly?

- Which is better: mother-in-law or beer?
“It's good that both are cold on the table.”

The defense of the candidate dissertation on the topic:
alcohol through the anus. "The dissertation scientifically proved that this method has advantages over the usual one: it takes little to get drunk, you can smell it without your mouth. Your opponent asked how this drink can be drunk on a brudershaft.
“This is my doctoral theme,” the dissertation answered.

- What is half a liter for three in African?
- Two drink, the third have a bite.

- What is the cause of peat fires in the suburbs?
- Brezhnev said: let the earth burn under the feet of alcoholics!

- Lieutenant, but tell me: what are the most common conditions for eggs to beat?
- About the saddle.
- Oh, but no - about the Frying pan!
- A frying pan? In the balls? Funny sir!

New airliner. The stewardess enters the passenger
- You are on our new airliner, we have a cinema hall in the bow of the plane, a slot machine hall in the tail section, a pool on the lower deck, and a sauna on the upper deck. And now, ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seat belts, and with all this devilry we will try to take off.

Stirlitz walked along Berlin in Budenovka. Mueller approached him.
- Stirlitz, you would at least observe conspiracy!
“Indeed,” thought Stirlitz, and put on his dark glasses.

In the fifties, the famous pop artists Tarapunk and Plug arrived on tour in Cheboksary. At the airport they were met by all members of the government of the Chuvash Republic, among whom stood a rustic-looking woman in a leather coat.
It was introduced by:
- And this is our minister of culture.
The woman held out her hand and said shyly:
- Dusya ...

... I don’t know, maybe it’s not news for anyone, but Microsoft Word 97 spells the word "multichannel" as follows:
offers to break it into two - "cartoon" and "anal" !!!
... but if you agree, he still yells that none of these words applies to business vocabulary !!! Damn .... you have to ....

Real story. In early July 1987, I drafted into the army.
We are sitting on Ugreshka in Moscow and on the 6th of July the sergeant came for us. All those who went to the railway military gathered in the same room with him, and he began the roll call, asking the same 4 questions to everyone.
- Ivanov
The recruit:
- I
- What is your nationality?
- Russian
- Are you a member of the Komsomol?
- Yes
- Is there an account card?
- There is
And so everyone, already cutting questions:
- Petrov
- I
- Nationality?
- Russian
- A member of the Komsomol?
- Member
- Is there a card?
- There is
And then one dude, having heard his surname, without waiting for further questions, blurted out all the answers to him without pauses between the last and penultimate answer.
- Sidorov
- Russian. Member is

If you are asked on a night street what date is today, it means that they will take away not the clock, but the calendar.
Customs does not take bribes - it rushes at them!
BOUTIQUE - BU Products from China.
The fastest controls on a plane are nudists ...
Features of the Russian state structure: authorities have organs, organs have members, and members have hairy legs.
A Muslim is considered single if he has three wives instead of four authorized.
Better once with Snow White than 7 times with the Dwarves!
The success of medicine is evident: from many diseases people no longer die, but only torment themselves.
When senility joins sclerosis, you feel like a completely different person.
Gubin is the same Alexander Pakhmutov, only a boy.
Russian mat is the official language of the Russian football championship.
KVD named after St. Valentine.
Even in the most difficult and terrible situation, women can find the easiest and most beautiful way out of themselves.

Connect the new "Woodpecker" tariff plan - and your favorite boss will be called by experienced telephone hooligans every 5 minutes.

Background - extraneous noise.
Mega is very strong.

“Comrade Lieutenant, lunch is only half a company!”
- Clear! We will have lunch after the attack!

Radio Announcement: "New Items Received in the Piece Department."

- Are you a private detective?
- Yes.
“I want to hire you to track my husband and this woman.”
Be sure to bed. I'm very interested - WHAT is he doing with her there ?!

In the cabin, a group of parachutists before the first jump, led by two instructors. The plane is gaining altitude, one instructor to another:
- Are they worried?
The second looks around the paratroopers:
“No,” he says, “like a face like a face ...”
- And the air ?!

The administration informs that a fountain is operating at the exit from the cemetery.
Those who wish can throw a coin.

There lived in the world a mandavoshka ...
But Sveta did not know about it yet.

African monkeys invented a new way to collect bananas!
They are hiring workers from Tajikistan ...

- What do you need for complete happiness?
- Top up.

- Doctor, I have a bad memory. What should I do?
- Boxing!
“And my memory will get better?”
“No, but they will laugh less.”

A picture from the life of a prosperous city. A man walks along a crowded square and tears in vain:
- And here is alms! Who needs alms ?! Do not pass by!

Science is at the service of man. Scientists at the Institute of Gerontology have completed work on a new drug that promotes longevity. The first batch of the drug was tested on mice. The tests were successful - now the mice live up to sixty years.

“You were fired for stealing property!”
Subordinate, looking around:
“I can't stand it!”

A young lady tells her older friend:
- My husband is cheating on me! When he comes home - he does not have the strength to have sex with me ... So, he sleeps with his mistress before that!
- This is not a fact ... Because my husband has a mistress, then he has me - and for a long time he looks at a hamster with a parrot ...

- What do you keep these rolls? Do not eat yourself - feed the birds!
- Now they can only feed woodpeckers ...