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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


Rode ahtung across the river,
See Achtung - in the Achtung River.
Thrust Achtung Achtung to Achtung,
Achtung Achtung Achtung Achtung.

On the evening of the lecture, the astounded professor showed electromagnetic waves.
Half of the students saw them ...

If people go to work as a holiday, then what is going on at home ???

-Do you have water?
- Not water, but water.
-Then give me water !!!
- Not water, but water. -Yes, I see you dick get drunk!

Helpful advice.
If you glue the battery with pieces of leather from the old sheepskin fur outside - you will have a furry and warm pet.

The body with a strong alcoholic intoxication is in a state close to death, and instinctively seeks to continue the race.
The guard escaped from the zoo ... although perhaps the lions keep back.
Drivers are divided into two categories: kamikazes - those who overtook you, and brakes - those who overtook you.
A new yoghurt is finally out! The fruit pieces came out especially well ...
In Africa, found a pervert ostrich. All ostriches put their heads in the sand, and this one is even uncomfortable to say, and not even in their own ...
On the program "Field of Miracles", the players were shy to guess the word "ass" for eight hours.
Moldavian gymnasts mixed up doping with Viagra. Their performance with a horse for a long time will excite the minds of impressionable fans.
If we are destined to crap in life, then let it be not from herring with milk, but from trout and cream.
You know - it turns out that the flame in the lighter smells like burnt nose hairs.
Werewolf Alyonushka at night turns into a log!
The offer to go to a restaurant more often ends with sex than just an offer to have sex.
A sign: If swallows fly low, it means they swallowed.
Massovik voo-oh with such a trickler !!!

- Dear - it seems you will soon become a dad!
- And what - Benedict XVI got sick ?!

The guy is catching up with the girl:
- Girl, girl, can I meet you?
(girl, turning around): - NO!
- Oh b ... and thank God!

- No, in this position I can not before the wedding.

At the reception, wife's husband:
You already ran ten times with a plate for a meal! Are not you ashamed?!
- No, I said it for you.

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest. Towards Gray Wolf:
- Little Red Riding Hood, do you want me to kiss you in a place where no one has ever kissed? Little Red Riding Hood (puffing on a cigarette):
- In the basket, or what?

- I'm getting married tomorrow.
- For love?
- Her dad said: "Anyway!"

Meets the Wolf in the woods Little Red Riding Hood and says:
- Well, Cap, you and I have two options for the development of events: either a merger or a takeover.

The teacher is going to put another two in Vovochka, and he goes to her and says:
“Marya Ivanovna, I certainly don’t want to scare you, but my dad said that one more deuce and someone would get pussy-twisted.

The manager of a large company is recruiting young, promising staff. A lot of resumes come from which, say, 10 candidates for a certain position are selected. The next stage of the interview, which the manager conducts personally.
He is a very cool specialist, an expert in his field, but there is a small defect - he has no ears, shorter ears.
The first candidate comes in with an excellent education, work experience, demonstrates extensive knowledge of the case: the manager says:
And the last question:
- You are in my appearance do not notice anything unusual?
- Well, of course, you have no ears.
- Thank. You are an excellent specialist: we will notify you of your decision by email.
Comes next, graduated with honors from a prestigious university, and so on:
- Well, the last question: do you notice anything unusual in my appearance?
- Well, sort of like you have no ears.
- Thank. You are an excellent specialist. We will notify you of your decision by email.
The story repeats many times, but after another unsuccessful interview, the penultimate of the invited candidates comes out and says to the latter:
- Everything is normal, just do not say anything about his ears.
He comes in, also turns out to be a high-class specialist with an excellent education and hears the last question:
- You are in my appearance do not notice anything unusual?
- Well, sure, you have amazing contact lenses !!!
- Wow!!! I've been wearing it for a week now, and no one noticed. How did you guess? !!
- Well, your job is complicated, nervous, sedentary. You work a lot with documents, surely you spend many hours at the computer. With this way of life and at your age, it is almost impossible to maintain normal vision, and in order to wear glasses, you need at least lousy but ears.

- Girl, what are you doing tonight?
- Birdhouse.
- What a birdhouse !?
- How what? Common - wooden.
- Sorry, but I wanted to invite you to the cinema.
- Well, invite.
- Girl, but let's go to the movies tonight.
- I can not.
- Why?
- And in my home nesting box unfinished.

Son, you're an adult, we decided it was time to talk to you.
- CSO! I thought you were dumb.

A man sells a dog. Buyer asks:
- Is she healthy?
- Healthy!
- Smart?
- Smart!
- True?
- True, for the fifth time I sell.

Such arithmetic:
Smart man + smart woman = easy flirt.
Smart man + dumb woman = single mother.
Dumb man + smart woman = normal family.
Dumb man + dumb woman = mother-heroine.
Smart boss + smart subordinate = profit.
Smart boss + stupid subordinate = performance.
Dumb boss + intelligent subordinate = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb subordinate = overtime.

Pierced the wheel.
The man got out of the car, took out the jack, squatted, unscrews.
A passerby asks: "Why are you doing this?" "Why, I take off the wheel."
He quickly looks around, spits, pulls a crowbar out of the jacket and hits the windshield: "I’ll take a tape recorder, perhaps."

“Do you want coffee in bed, honey?”
- No, darling. I'll have breakfast with you.
- Amlet or yaishnitsu, bunny?
- A two-bowl egg, fish.
- Wait, you also do not remember my name?
A man and a woman passionately make love at the edge of the forest.
Suddenly, a bear appears in a clearing. And says:
- Dear, my respect, but do you really not ashamed to vulgarize the virginal beauty and chastity of this forest with such an indomitable act of animal intercourse?
Silence...
- Yes, I'm kidding! PREVED !!!

The wife approaches her husband, who sits on the Internet at night and says:
- Let's have something to do with sex, eh?
He replied to her (not looking up from the monitor):
- Go start, I'll come in 10 minutes.

A man with a hangover rises, an uneven gait goes into the bathtub, walks to the mirror, looks intensely and speaks in a tortured voice.
- Well ..?
Strain the whole face.
- Well, oh, oh ...?
Veins swell on forehead ..
- Well, ooo, ooo, ooo ...
Here the wife from the kitchen shouts:
- Vasya go have breakfast.
Man:
- In - Vasya!

The computer science teacher enters the classroom five minutes before the start of the lesson.
Looks - all the students are already sitting at the machines, the programs are stuffed.
The teacher approaches the general switch and shuts off the voltage in the entire class. A blast of indignation sweeps through the class:
- We have not signed up!
The teacher, having softened, turns on the switch:
- Well, sign up.

I am not a mechanic. I don't even know how the end of the screwdriver nails.

- Do not plan anything for tomorrow - there will be a buffet table.
- So the buffet is today?
- So I say, do not plan anything for tomorrow
.
Recipe for a festive bachelor pie.
Take, then, a kilogram of ravioli ...

On the operation. Surgeon:
- Clamp ... Tampon ... Scalpel ... Tampon ... Suction ...
...
- Sister! Blowjob is a tool!

A little boy walks with his dad around the zoo and sees a zebra:
- Dad, look, the horse is streaked!
- This is your mom horse melirovannaya, and this, son, zebra ...

I have a friend. Every time I come to him, he washes the floors.
Once I asked him, saying that it was you, no matter how I come, you wash the floors all the time? And he says:
- The call is very loud, and the cat is very shy!

One man complains to another:
- Something m ... got lice ...
- And you do not treat them? ...
- Why treat them, they do not get sick ...

Young punker, with mohawk in torn skin, pins and
toilet chains rolls around the yard baby stroller.
Old women sitting on a bench look into a stroller and
ask:
- Mom, and what is your baby some blue?
- A # $ whether fuck? Dead - that's blue.

The ensign is building a tank platoon on the parade ground.
- Private Ivanov!
- I!
- Break down by three steps!
- There is!
- Raise the tank!
- There is!
Private Ivanov walks up to the tank and tries to raise it.
Naturally, unsuccessfully.
- Comrade Warrant Officer, allow me to appeal!
- Handle.
- I have no opportunity to raise a tank.
- to quit. Private Petrov!
- I fail!
- There is!
- Help ordinary Ivanov raise the tank!
- There is!
Another attempt.
- Comrade Warrant Officer, allow me to appeal!
- Handle.
- We have no opportunity to raise the tank.
- to quit. Platoon! Help Private Ivanov and Petrov
raise the tank!
A platoon surrounds the tank and tries to raise it. Unsuccessfully.
It turns out the sergeant:
- Comrade Warrant Officer, allow me to appeal!
- Handle.
- The platoon does not have the ability to raise the tank.
- And you thought! - Thirty tons!

If the medical forums talked the same way as everywhere ...
Novice: Guys, I have a problem - the patient has come, one eye is working, the other is not - what to do? Urgent !!
Surgeon (old-timer): Ahhhhh !! One eye does not work, scream! (* laughs *)
Scalpel (old-timers): Damn, lamers got it!
Admin (administrator): Newbie, read forum rules, use search. The first warning.
Doctor_Lektor (frequenter): Come on, help him. You do not see - man has grief.
Guest1: Newbie, but what do you want? Formulate the question correctly.
Newbie: Guest1, I want both tails to be seen. Can you tell me how to do this?
Guest1: Ahhh, so that both can see, I don’t know then. I specialize in acupuncture.
Novice: Admin, I used the search, but found nothing.
Help someone, the patient is lying on the table, I have already opened a light to him - it does not help !!
Surgeon (old-timer): Ahhhh !! Lung opened, I right now Uss! (* laughs downhill *)
Guest2: Newbie, eye nerve tested?
Nurse (experienced): Newbie, which eye does not work - left or right?
Admin (administrator): It is written in the forum rules that it is forbidden to ask questions about symmetrical organs. Also, what words were you looking for? According to the word "eye"? And it was necessary - on "binocular eyepiece". Here is [set of links] read about how to use the search on the forums.
Novice: Guest2, and where to look for the optic nerve? Changed eyes in places, now both do not work :( ((Urgently - what to do, soon the anesthesia ends.
Guest3: Is the patient of what race a Negroid or Mongoloid?
Scalpel (old-timer): Guest3, and what's the difference?
Guest3: Are you saying that there is no difference between the Negroid and the Mongoloid? Another newcomer lamer called =)
Doctor_Lektor (frequenter): There is a difference between the Negroid and the Mongoloid, a fact.
Novice: How to find out the race?
Scalpel (old-timer): Ask the patient;)
Novice: Patient unconscious. Maybe in the passport recorded?
Scalpel (old-timer): Guest3, there is a difference, but what difference does it make in our particular case ??
Guest3: Scalpel, obvious. Negroids have large and bulging eyes, while Mongoloids have narrow eye slits - a patient can have narrowed eye slits, they should be incised.
Novice: Thank you, Guest3! Slit eyelids - it became easier to remove the eyeballs. Rearranged again, do not work :(
PS: just in case, cut the nostrils and anus.
Novice: Hey, is there anyone?
Novice: What to do?
Novice: Everything, the topic is closed, I sent it to the oculist.
Scalpel (old-timer): BEGINNER, AND YOU THAT IS NOT A BALED ??? = 8-0
Novice: Nope. Gynecologist.
Admin (administrator): Newbie, second warning.
Read the rules. Here is the forum of oculists. Another warning and - ban.
Surgeon (old-timer): Ahhhhh !! Gynecologist!! All drain water, I vassal! (* laughs *)

“Yesterday, my wife fell ill, and today her mother came to care for her.
- Yes, trouble never comes alone.

A young man is lying on the couch, suddenly in the room
mother-in-law with
broom.
- Maman, are you tidying up? Or are they going to fly?

- Which is better: mother-in-law or beer?
- Well, and that, and more on the table in the cold.

The defense of his thesis on the topic:
"Introduction
alcohol through the anus. "Dissertant scientifically proved that this method has advantages over the usual: you don't need much to get drunk without a snack, it doesn't smell from your mouth. The opponent asked how to drink this way to brotherhood.
- This is the topic of my doctoral, - answered the dissertation.

- What is half a liter for three in African?
- Two drink, the third snack.

- What is the cause of peat fires in the suburbs?
- Brezhnev said: let the earth burn under the feet of alcoholics!

- Lieutenant, but tell me: what are the eggs most often beating about?
- On the saddle.
- Oh, but no - about the Skor!
- A frying pan? In the balls? Funny, sir!

New Airliner. Enters the stewardess in the passenger
salon:
- You are on our new airliner, in the nose of the aircraft we have a cinema hall, in the tail end there is a slot machine hall, on the lower deck there is a pool, on the upper deck there is a sauna. And now, dear sirs, fasten your seat belts, and with all this devilry we will try to take off.

Stirlitz walked across Berlin in Budenovka. Muller approached him.
- Stirlitz, would you at least observe the conspiracy!
- Indeed, thought Stirlitz and put on dark glasses.

In the fifties, the famous entertainers Tarapunka and Shtepsel flew on tour to Cheboksary. At the airport, they were met by all members of the government of the Chuvash Republic, among whom was a rustic-looking woman in a leather coat.
She presented:
- And this is our Minister of Culture.
The woman stretched out her hand and said shyly:
- darling ...

... I don’t know, maybe this isn’t news for anyone, but Microsoft Word 97 can spell the word "multichannel" as follows:
offers to break it into two - "cartoon" and "anal" !!!
... but if you agree, he also shouts that none of these words apply to business vocabulary !!! In a pancake .... it is necessary ....

Real story. In early July 1987, I called in the army.
We are sitting on Ugreshka in Moscow and the numbers on July 6th a sergeant came for us. All those who went to the railway military gathered in the same room with him, and he began a roll call asking the same 4 questions each.
Sergeant:
- Ivanov
Rookie:
- I
- What is your nationality?
- Russian
- Are you a member of the Komsomol?
- Yes
- Is there a registration card?
- There is
And so to everyone, already shortening the questions:
- Petrov
- I
- Nationality?
- Russian
- A member of the Komsomol?
- Member
- Is there a card?
- There is
And here one dude, hearing his name, without waiting for further questions, blurted out to him all the answers without a pause between the last and the penultimate answer.
- Sidorov
- Russian. There is a member

If someone asks you what day it is on a night street, it means that they will not take away the clock, but the calendar.
Customs does not take bribes - she rushes at them!
BOUTIQUE - Used Goods From China.
Faster than all control on the plane are nudists ...
Peculiarities of the Russian state structure: there are organs in power, organs have parts, and members have hairy legs.
A Muslim is considered unmarried if he has three wives instead of the allowed four.
Better once with Snow White than 7 times with the dwarves!
The successes of medicine are obvious: people no longer die from many diseases, they only get sick.
When marasmus joins sclerosis, you feel completely different.
Gubin is the same Alexander Pakhmutova, only a boy.
Russian mat is the official language of the Russian Football Championship.
KVD them. St. Valentine.
Even in the most difficult and terrible situation, women are able to find the simplest and most beautiful way out of themselves.

Connect the new "Woodpecker" tariff plan - and your favorite boss every 5 minutes will call experienced telephone hooligans.

Burns:
Megaphone.
Background - noisy noise.
Mega is very strong.

- Comrade Lieutenant, dinner is enough only for half a company!
- Clear! We will have dinner after the attack!

Announcement on the radio: "The New Products Department received new things."

- Are you a private detective?
- Yes.
“I want to hire you to trace my husband and this woman.”
Be sure to bed. I am very interested - WHAT is he doing there with her ?!

In the aircraft cabin a group of parachutists before the first jump, at the head - two instructors. The plane gains altitude, one instructor to another:
- Are you worried?
The second looks around the paratroopers:
“No,” he says, “like a face like a face ...”
- And the air ?!

Announcement.
The administration informs that there is a fountain at the exit from the cemetery.
Those interested can throw a coin.

She lived in the world of Mandavosh ...
But Sveta did not know about it yet.

African monkeys invented a new way to collect bananas!
They hire workers from Tajikistan ...

- What do you need for complete happiness?
- Top up.

- Doctor, I have a bad memory. What should I do?
- Boxing!
- And my memory will get better?
- No, but they will laugh less.

Picture from the life of the city of universal welfare. A person walks through a crowded square and vainly screams:
- But the charity! To whom the charity ?! Do not pass by!

Science in the service of man. Scientists at the Institute of Gerontology have completed work on a new drug that promotes longevity. The first batch of drugs was tested on mice. The tests were successful - now the mice live up to sixty years.

Chef:
- You are fired for stealing property!
Slave, looking at everything around:
“I can't bear it!”

A young lady says her older friend:
- My husband is cheating on me! When he comes home - he has no power to have sex with me ... So, he sleeps with his mistress before!
- This is not a fact ... Because my husband has a mistress, then he has me - and for a long time he looks at the hamster with a parrot ...

Head:
- What do you keep these rolls? Do not eat yourself - feed the birds!
Engineer:
- Now they only feed the woodpeckers ...