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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

I traveled along the river,
Ahtung sees in the river Achtung.
Sucked Achtung Achtung in Achtung,
ahtung ahtung ahtung ahtung.

In the evening, at the lecture, the stunned professor showed electromagnetic waves.
Half of the students saw them ...

If people go to work as a holiday, then what are they going to do at home ??

- Do you have any water?
-Not water, it's water.
-Then give me water !!!
-Not water, it's water. -Yes, I see you have a cock!

Helpful advice.
If the battery is pasted with leather pieces from the old sheepskin coat with fur outside - you will have a furry and warm domestic pet.

The organism is under strong alcoholic intoxication in a state close to death, and instinctively strives to continue the genus.
A watchman escaped from the zoo ... although, perhaps, the lions are not telling anything.
Drivers are divided into two categories: kamikaze - those who have overtaken you, and the brakes are those who are overtaken by you.
Finally, a new yogurt came out! Especially good came out pieces of fruit ...
In Africa, an ostrich is found. All ostriches hang their heads in the sand, and this one - even inconvenient to say, and even not in his ...
On the transfer "Field of Miracles" players for eight hours hesitated to guess the word "ass".
Moldavian gymnasts mixed dope with Viagra. Their performance with the horse for a long time will excite the minds of impressionable fans.
If we are destined for life to crap, then let it be not from herring with milk, but from trout with cream.
You know - it turns out, the flame in the lighter smells of burnt hairs from the nose.
Werewolf Alyonushka turns into a log at night!
The offer to go to a restaurant often ends in sex, than just an offer to have sex.
Note: If the swallows fly low, it means they have overeaten.
Massovik in-of-the-so with such a zateynikom!

"Darling, I think you'll soon be a dad!"
- And Che - Benedict XVI was unwell ?!

The guy is catching up with the girl:
- Girl, girl, can I meet you?
(girl, turning around): - NO!
- Oh ... and thank God!

- No, in this position I can not before the wedding.

At the buffet dinner wife to her husband:
You've already been running around with a plate for food ten times! Are not you ashamed?!
"No, I said it was for you."

There is Little Red Riding Hood in the forest. Towards the Gray Wolf:
"Little Red Riding Hood, do you want me to kiss you in a place where no one has ever kissed?" Little Red Riding Hood (tightening a cigarette):
"To the basket, then?"

"I'm getting married tomorrow."
"For love?"
- Her dad said: "In any way!"

The Wolf meets the Red Riding Hood and says:
"Well, Capka, you and I have two options for the development of events: either a merger or an acquisition."

The teacher is going to put Vovochka next deuce, and he is like her and says:
-Marya Ivanovna, I certainly do not want to scare you, but Dad said that another two and someone will get pizduley.

The manager of a large company is recruiting young, prospective staff. A lot of CVs come from which are selected, say 10 candidates for a certain position. The next stage is the interview that the manager conducts personally.
He is a very cool special, a connoisseur of his craft, but there is a small defect - he has no ear shells, his ears are shorter.
The first candidate comes in, with an excellent education, work experience, demonstrates an extensive knowledge of the case: the manager says:
And the last question:
"You do not notice anything unusual in my appearance?"
- Well, you do not have ear shells.
- Thank you. You are an excellent specialist: We will notify you by e-mail about your decision.
The next one comes in, he graduated with honors from a prestigious university, and so on:
- Well, the last question: you do not notice anything unusual in my appearance?
- Well, sort of like your ears do not.
- Thank you. You are an excellent specialist. We will notify you by e-mail about your decision.
History repeats itself many times, but after another unsuccessful interview the penultimate of the invited candidates comes out and the last one says:
"It's okay, but do not say anything about his ears."
He comes in, also turns out to be a high-class specialist with an excellent education and he hears the last question:
"You do not notice anything unusual in my appearance?"
- Well, how, you have drop dead contact lenses !!!
- Wow!!! I've been carrying it for a week, but no one noticed. How did you guess ?!
- Well, your work is complicated, nervous, sedentary. A lot of work with documents, for sure many hours spend at the computer. With this way of life and at your age to keep normal vision is almost impossible, and in order to wear glasses, you need at least a little keen but ears.

"Girl, what are you doing tonight?"
- The birdhouse.
"What birdhouse !?"
"Like what?" Ordinary - wooden.
- It's a pity, but I wanted to invite you to the cinema.
- Well, invite.
"Girl, let's go to the cinema tonight."
- I can not.
- Why?
- And at my house the birdhouse is unfinished.

Son, you're already an adult, we decided it was time to talk to you.
- OGO! I thought you were dumb.

A man is selling a dog. The buyer asks:
"Is she healthy?"
- Healthy!
- Clever?
- Clever!
- True, for the fifth time I sell.

Such arithmetic:
Smart man + smart woman = easy flirting.
Smart man + stupid woman = a single mother.
A stupid man + an intelligent woman = a normal family.
Stupid man + stupid woman = mother-heroine.
Smart boss + smart slave = profit.
Smart boss + obtuse slave = productivity.
Dumb boss + smart slave = promotion.
Dumb boss + obtuse slave = overtime work.

The wheel pierced.
The man got out of the car, pulled out a jack, squatted, twisted.
The passer-by asks: "Why are you doing this?" "Yes, here, I remove the wheel."
He quickly looks around, spat, pulls a crowbar from the quill and hits the windshield: "and I, perhaps, will take a tape recorder."

"Should I bring you coffee to bed, dear?"
- No, darling. I'll have breakfast with you.
"Amlet or egg, bunny?"
- An egg of two eggs, a fish.
- Wait, you do not remember what my name is either?
A man and a woman passionately make love at the edge of the forest.
Suddenly a bear appears on the meadow. And he says:
"Dear, my respect, but are you not ashamed to vulgarize the virgin beauty and chastity of this forest with such a shameless act of animal coition?"
- Yes I'm joking! TRANSLATION !!!

The wife comes to her husband, who sits on the Internet at night and says:
- Let's do something about sex, huh?
He responded to her (without stopping from the monitor):
"Go and start, I'll be there in 10 minutes."

A peasant with a hangover gets up, an uneven walk goes to the bath and goes to the mirror and looks tensely and speaks in a tortured voice.
"Well ...?"
The whole face is straining.
"Well, uh, uh ...?"
Veins are swollen on the forehead ..
"Well, uh, uh, uh, uh-uh ...?"
Then the wife from the kitchen screams:
- Vasya go have breakfast.
- In - Vasya!

The computer science teacher enters the classroom five minutes before the lesson begins.
Looks - all the students are already sitting at the machines, they program the programs.
The teacher approaches the general switch and turns off the voltage in the entire class. An explosion of indignation flies through the class:
- We did not sign up!
The teacher, softening, includes a knife switch:
- Okay, sign up.

I'm not a mechanic. I do not even know which end of the screwdriver is clogged with nails.

- Do not plan anything for tomorrow - there will be a buffet table.
"Is this a cocktail party today?"
"So I say, do not plan anything tomorrow."
The recipe for a holiday bachelor's pie.
Take, then, a kilogram of dumplings ...

On the operation. Surgeon:
- Clamp ... Tampon ... Scalpel ... Tampon ... Suction ...
- Sister! Suction is a tool!

A little boy walks with the daddy on the zoo and sees a zebra:
"Papa, look, the stapled horse!"
"This is your mother, a well-grown horse, and that, son, zebra ..."

I have a friend. Every time I come to him, he washes the floors.
Once I asked him, they say, it's you, as I will not come, you wash the floors all the time? And he says:
- The call is very loud, and the cat is very shy!

One man complains to another:
- Something ... uh ... got the ...
- And you do not treat them? ...
- And what to treat them, they are not sick ...

Young punkers, with a mohawk in torn skin, pins and
toilet bowls roll around the yard a baby carriage.
Sitting on a bench, the old women look in the wheelchair and
"Mother, what's with that baby you're a little blue?"
- A # $, fuck? Dead one - that's blue.

The ensign is building a tank platoon on the parade ground.
- Private Ivanov!
- I!
- Get out of action in three steps!
- There is!
"Pick up the tank!"
- There is!
Private Ivanov comes to the tank and tries to pick it up.
Naturally, unsuccessfully.
"Comrade ensign, let me turn!"
- Apply.
- I do not have the opportunity to raise the tank.
- To leave. Private Petrov!
- I'm out of order!
- There is!
"Help the ordinary Ivanov to raise the tank!"
- There is!
Another attempt.
"Comrade ensign, let me turn!"
- Apply.
- We do not have the opportunity to raise the tank.
- To leave. Platoon! Help the ordinary Ivanov and Petrov
raise the tank!
The platoon surrounds the tank and tries to pick it up. Unsuccessfully.
Comes out sergeant:
"Comrade ensign, let me turn!"
- Apply.
"The platoon does not have the opportunity to raise the tank."
- And you thought! "Thirty tons!"

If at medical forums communicated the same way as everywhere ...
Novice: Guys, I have a problem - the patient has come, one eye is working, the other is not - what should I do? Urgently!!
Surgeon (old-timer): A-ah-ah! One eye does not work, screaming! (* laughs *)
Scalpel (old-timer): Damn, lamers got it!
Admin (administrator): Newbie, read the rules of the forum, use the search. The first warning.
Doctor_Lector (frequenter): Come on, help him. Do not see - a man's grief.
Guest1: Newbie, but what do you want something? Formulate the question correctly.
Newbie: Guest1, I want to see both the gal. Can you tell me how to do this?
Guest1: Ah, ah, well, so that both can see - I do not know then. I specialize in acupuncture.
Newbie: Admin, I used to search, but did not find anything.
Help someone, the patient on the table is lying, I have already opened it to him - it does not help !!
Surgeon (old-timer): H-ah! Easy opened, I'll right now! (* grates with a slope *)
Guest2: Newbie, was the eye nerve checked?
Nurse (experienced): Novice, which eye does not work - left or right?
Admin (administrator): The rules of the forum say that it is forbidden to ask questions about symmetrical organs. Besides, what words did you look for? By the word "eye"? And it was necessary - according to the "binocularus eyepiece". Here - [set of links] read about how you should use the search on the forums.
Newbie: Guest2, and where to look for the eye nerve? I switched places, now both do not work :( ((Urgent - what to do, soon the anesthesia ends.
Guest3: And which race patient is a Negroid or a Mongoloid?
Scalpel (old-timer): Guest3, but what's the difference?
Guest3: Are you saying that there is no difference between a Negroid and a Mongoloid? Another Novice called lamer =)
Doctor_Lector (frequenter): There is a difference between a Negroid and a Mongoloid, a fact.
Newbie: How do I find out the race?
Scalpel (old-timer): Ask the patient;)
Newbie: The patient is unconscious. Maybe in the passport is written?
Scalpel (old-timer): Guest3, there is a difference, but what's the difference in our specific case?
Guest3: Scalpel, obvious. The Negroids have big, large eyes, and the Mongoloids have narrow eyelid slits-the patient may simply have narrowed the eye cracks, they must be cut.
Novice: Thanks, Guest3! I cut my eyelids, it became easier to take out eyeballs. Remodeled again, do not work :(
PS: just in case, I cut my nostrils and anus.
Newbie: Hey, is there anyone?
Newbie: What should I do?
Novice: Everything, the topic is closed, I sent it to the oculist.
Scalpel (old-timer): NEW, AND YOU ARE NOT A OKULIST ??? = 8-0
Newbie: Nope. Gynecologist.
Admin (administrator): Novice, second warning.
Read the rules. Here is a forum of ophthalmologists. One more warning is ban.
Surgeon (old-timer): A-ah-ah! Gynecologist!! Everyone, drain the water, I'm screwed! (* laughs *)

- Yesterday my wife got sick, and today her mother came to look after her.
- Yes, trouble never comes alone.

A young man is lying on the couch, suddenly into the room
includes mother-in-law with
with a broom.
- Maman, you clean up? Or are they going to fly?

- Which is better: mother-in-law or beer?
- Well both that, and another on a table in a cold kind.

A candidate's thesis was defended on the topic:
alcoholic through the anus. "The scientist scientifically proved that this method has advantages over the ordinary: little is needed to get drunk, you can without a snack, there is no smell from the mouth." The opponent asked how to drink this on brotherhood.
"This is my doctor's theme," the dissertator replied.

- What is a half-liter for three in African?
- Two drink, third eat.

- What is the reason for peat fires in the suburbs?
- Brezhnev said: let the earth burn under the feet of alcoholics!

- Lieutenant, but tell me: what are the eggs most often beat?
- About the saddle.
- Oh, yes, no - about the SKYLOCK!
- A frying pan? In the eggs? It's funny, sir!

The new airliner. The stewardess enters the passenger
- You are on our new airliner, in the bow of the plane we have a cinema hall, in the tail hall there is a hall for slot machines, on the lower deck there is a swimming pool, on the upper deck there is a sauna. And now, ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seat belts, and with all this devilry we will try to take off.

Stirlitz walked through Berlin in Budenovka. Muller approached him.
- Stirlitz, you would at least conspiracy observed!
"Indeed," thought Stirlitz and put on his sunglasses.

In the fifties the famous entertainers Tarapunka and Shtepsel flew on a tour to Cheboksary. At the airport they were met by all members of the government of the Chuvash Republic, among which stood a rustic-looking woman in a leather coat.
It was presented by:
"And this is our Minister of Culture."
The woman stretched out her hand and shyly said:
- Dusya ...

... I do not know, maybe this is not news for anyone, but Microsoft Word 97 spells the word "multichannel" in the following way:
offers to break it into two - "cartoon" and "anal" !!!
... but if you agree, he still screams that none of these words to business vocabulary is true! In a pancake .... you need the same ....

Real story. In early July 1987, I was drafted into the army.
We are sitting on Ugreshka in Moscow and on the 6th of July the sergeant came for us. All those who went to the railway military, gathered in the same room with him, and he began a roll call, asking the same 4 questions to everyone.
- Ivanov
- I
- What is your nationality?
- English
- Are you a member of the Komsomol?
- Yes
- Is there an account card?
- There is
And that's how everyone, already narrowing the questions:
- Petrov
- I
- Nationality?
- English
- A member of the Komsomol?
- Member
- Is there a card?
- There is
And now one dude, hearing his name, without waiting for further questions, blurted out all the answers to him without pauses between the last and the penultimate answer.
- Sidorov
- Russian. Member is

If you are asked on the night street what date it is today, it means that it will not be a clock, but a calendar.
Customs does not take bribes - it rushes at them!
BOUTIQUE - BU Goods from China.
The fastest way to control the aircraft are nudists ...
Peculiarities of the Russian state structure: the authorities have organs, the organs have members, and the members have hairy paws.
A Muslim is considered to be single if he has three wives instead of the permitted ones.
Better once with Snow White than 7 times with dwarves!
The successes of medicine are evident: from many diseases people no longer die, but only suffer from pain.
When you are afflicted with multiple sclerosis, you feel like a completely different person.
Gubin is the same Alexandra Pakhmutova, only a boy.
Russian Math is the official language of the Russian Football Championship.
KVD im.Svyatogo Valentina.
Even in the most difficult and terrible situation, women are able to find the simplest and most beautiful way out of themselves.

Connect the new tariff plan "Woodpecker" - and your favorite boss will be called by experienced telephone hooligans every 5 minutes.

The background is a built-up noise.
Mega is very strong.

"Comrade Lieutenant, lunch will last only half a company!"
- Clear! We'll have dinner after the attack!

Announcement on the radio: "The department of piece goods received new tricks."

"Are you a private detective?"
- Yes.
"I want to hire you to trace my husband and this woman."
Necessarily to bed. I'm very interested in WHAT he's doing with her there ?!

In the cabin of the aircraft, a group of paratroopers before the first jump, led by two instructors. The plane is gaining height, one instructor - to another:
- Are you worried?
The second looks around the parachutists:
"No," he says, "like a face like a face ..."
"And the air?"

The administration informs that a fountain is working at the exit from the cemetery.
Interested persons can throw a coin.

There lived a man in the world ...
But Sveta did not know about it yet.

African monkeys invented a new way of collecting bananas!
They hire workers from Tajikistan ...

- What do you need for complete happiness?
- Top up.

"Doctor, I have a bad memory." What should I do?
- Boxing!
"And will my memory be better?"
- No, but they will laugh less.

A picture from the life of the city of universal prosperity. A human being walks around the crowded square and struggles in vain:
- But alms! To whom is alms ?! Do not pass by!

Science is in the service of man. Scientists of the Institute of Gerontology have completed work on a new drug that contributes to longevity. The first batch of the drug was tested on mice. The tests were successful - now the mice live up to sixty years.

"You're fired for stealing property!"
Subordinate, looking around everything:
"I can not bear it!"

A young lady says to her older friend:
"My husband is cheating on me!" When he comes home - he does not have the strength to have sex with me ... So, he is sleeping with his mistress before that!
- This is not a fact ... Because my husband has a mistress, then he has me - and looks at the hamster for a long time with a parrot ...

"Why are you storing these rolls?" Do not eat yourself - feed the birds!
"Now they can only feed the woodpeckers ..."