Anecdotes about card games

Preference play the pop and two hussars . Pop ordered eight, it is left without one.

"Allow me to!" Gentlemen! How so? - the priest is perplexed.

- I also had eight trumps !!!

"The situation, my friend, the layout," his hussars console.

***

A man in a savings bank takes all the money off a book - a pretty large sum. The cashier asks:

"Bought something?"

- I bought it, even bought it!

"The dacha?"

- No.

"The car?"

- No, not the car.

- And what?

- Two Aces on the Misery.

***

A man is tried for murder. The judge asks:

"The defendant, tell me how it was."

- Well, how was the matter ... We drooled the bullet. The witness ordered seven tambourines. I carry a spike, and the dead man is a spike, I'm a club, and the deceased is a club ...

"Well, he had to have a candlestick," the judge interrupts hotly.

"I did so," the defendant sighs humblely.

***

The mistress of the house, where the pulka was dragged out until the morning, looks at the gamblers with a displeased look (obviously, they prevent her from sleeping):

- Gentlemen! Could not it be quiet!

"Do not make any noise, please, dear," the husband asks sharply.

"You see, this house is no longer ours."

***

They ask the debtor:

"When will you pay your debt?"

- I did not know that you are so curious - the debtor is responsible.

***

The two prisoners and the Chukcha travel for a long time from the north to the train compartment. It's boring. The prisoners conferred and said:

- Chukcha, and Chukchi, let's play cards for money?

- No, I know you, you cheat me in your games!

- And let's play some of your Chukchi game.

"Something, we do not understand the rules of some kind of Chukchi card game ?!" Thought the cons to themselves. Chukchi says:

- Okay. Playing in the Chombu!

We put it at the end. Chukchi handed over the cards. Only the prisoners took the cards, the Chukcha yells:

- Chomba !!! And rakes his money.

The prisoners ask:

- And what's the point?

"And whoever says first will win!"

Have handed over on the second time - zeki have seized cards and shout:

"Chomba !!!" Chukcha quietly takes her cards, looks, rakes money and says:

"The trump card!"

***

Two idiots play cards. One ask:

- You in a point are able?

- I'm good at it.

"And poker?"

- And this is where?

***

Sit presidents of Ukraine, Georgia and Kyrgyzstan play cards. An hour later, all the money ran out, all in neponyatkah - someone must be a winner - where the money went. And only the imperturbable James Bond still continued to portray the card table.

***

The old card player tells his son:

"First, never play cards!"

- Second, never order peaks trump cards!

***

Yasha Rabinovich, a well-known Odessa card cheater, appears before God. The Lord asks him:

- What do you want?

- I want to paradise.

- Excluded. Schulers have no place in paradise.

"From now on, I promise to play fair." Maybe we'll switch to poker?

- For what?

"If I win, I'll go to heaven, if I lose it, go to hell."

"All right," thought God, agreeing. "I'm handing over the cards."

Rabinovich:

"Only ask without miracles!"

***

Husband and wife, embarrassed to call things by their proper names, agreed that if one of them wants to make love, they will say: "I have an ace," and if not, "I have a six". Night has come.

Husband:

"I've got an ace!"

Wife:

- And I have a six.

"But listen, I've got an ace!"

- And I have a six!

My husband took offense and turned to the wall. Over time:

"I've got an ace!" Says his wife.

"And I've got a six," the husband gloats.

Wife throws off the blanket and is indignant:

- You also have an ace !!!

- So what kind of game is it - to peek at someone else's cards!

***

They play cards Koshchei Immortal, Baba Yaga, Clever cop and Stupid cop. There is a lot of money on the table. Suddenly, the light goes out. When the light comes on, there is no money.

Question: Who stole the money?

Answer: Stupid cop.

Question: Why?

Answer: Because all the rest are fictional characters.

***

There are two gentlemen on the deck of the liner.

"Terrible boredom, sir," says one.

"Would you like to play cards?"

"I'd be glad, sir, but, alas, I played the last time 15 years ago."

- It's okay, I'm 20 years old. Steward, please give me a pack of cards.

The steward brings cards. The first takes the deck, weighs it in the palm of your hand and says.

"One card is not enough, sir."

The second one also takes the deck on the palm and specifies.

"Eight of them, sir."

***

After playing cards that went all night, the loser must pay his partners a large sum of money.

"I refuse to pay," he said firmly.

"Why not?"

"One of us cheated!"

"Who is it?"

- I!

***

After playing poker , Windows gives you the following message:

- You lost $ 275. Insert them, please, into drive A: and press ANY KEY.

What do they do in this case: lamer, user, hacker and new Russian.

Lamer: With a frenzied kind, we start to shove 275 dollars into drive A and look for ANY KEY.

User: With a terribly happy look presses RESET and runs to tell friends about how he "cracked" poker.

Hacker: Behind the neighboring computer quickly writes a program that emulates a stowing of 275 dollars in the drive A. Then, within 3-4 weeks, writes fixes for emulation of 300, 400 and 500 dollars in drives A, B, etc.

New Russian: With all the fools, he punches the A drive and begins to search hard for the change in the V. drive.

***

Two new Russians play cards and suddenly one of them says:

"Listen, something flew over my head!"

- Bro, and you just shot!

***

- Waiter, are your musicians playing by order?

"Of course, sir."

"Then let them play poker until the end of my dinner."

***

They play cards until three in the morning. One player says to the other:

- What I do not like, now I will come home, take off my shoes, quietly go in, so that my wife does not hear, but she is always a bitch, wakes up and starts to cut me, and it ends with quarreling.

- And I act differently: I knock loudly at the door, I scream, my wife wakes up, opens the door, I beat her on the ass and I say, what about fucking? He never objects.

***

One professional player in Preference learned that somewhere in the wilderness, in a country forgotten by God, the best prefectant lives in the hut, who never makes mistakes and knows all the subtleties and nuances of the game. He decided to find him, to learn all this wisdom. After a long search, I found an old man living in a poor house. He told me why he came, stayed with him for several months and learned all conceivable and unthinkable wisdom of preference. When the player left, he decided to ask a question that did not bother him all this time:

- Tell me, I was convinced that you really know all the nuances, layouts, options and methods of playing preference, which no player in the world knows! But why do you live in this wilderness in poverty, knowing how to play this way. Would you be able to earn a lot of money and live richly and happily?

- You see, my son, I'm not a card ...

***

Lieutenant Rzhevsky, do you play the piano?

- Yes.

- And the guitar?

- Yes.

- And on the drum?

- Yes.

"And the harp?"

- No. There is no harp, the cards slip through the strings.

***

Playing a cheater with a poker novice.

The cards were opened, the newcomer was indignant.

- How so? How can you have 3 Aces when I have 2?

Shuler thought a little and said:

- One ace from another deck, - looked at his and other people's cards, reached for the rookie cards, snatched up the peak ace.

- This one is superfluous.

- How do you know?

- And the rest of the cards are sneaky.

***

The father of the house plays poker with his friends at home. A decent bank was formed, and there is trade. At that moment, a four-year-old son runs up to his father and looks at the cards:

- Oh, dad, but four ace is that good?

Father through clenched teeth:

- Yes! son...

All immediately go to pass, and the father takes the bank.

Son:

"It's a pity, Dad, that you did not have them ..."

***

A man wakes up with a terrible hangover, only remembers that he was with a friend, and calls him. The friend answers in a depressed voice. The man is interested:

"Why are you so dead?"

"We played poker with you yesterday, and I blew it."

- Yes. And I do not remember anything. And how much did I win?

A joyful voice comes from the receiver:

- Yes, garbage, two hundred rubles!

***

Among the prisoners is a psychological test. They show a photograph of a couple of newlyweds in the cemetery and asking them to tell what they see.

Robber:

- Well, the bryulaks are good, dear ones. Rings, too, nothing, but clocks of bullshit, do not cost anything ...

Assassin:

"Two new victims among the corpses." Cool, many, many corpses ...

Rapist:

- The bride is a lustful goat, and wants to be roughly fucked right now ...

Card sharper (cast a quick look at the photo):

"Nine bribes!"

"What are the nine bribes?"

- Well, eight crosses and a make-up ...

***

"Vovochka, have you got a card debt?"

"He brought it, Marivanna." But still it's not fair. Ace you pulled out of your sleeve ...

- And how else with you to repair the school gather?

***

"You, Watson, played poker all night long.

"It's amazing, Holmes!" But how did you guess?

- Elementary Watson! Of all your clothes, you only have a tie and hat.

***

Four sharpshooters play cards. The spectator whispers in the ear to one of the players:

- Listen, but this one was given to himself by 4 ace!

Player calmly replies:

- That's right, it's his surrender!

***

Cowboy comes into the bar, and there sit at the table three men and a dog and play poker.

- Well, a clever dog! Says the cowboy.

One of the players responds:

- Yes, not bad, when she has a good card, wags her tail.

***

The husband comes home in the morning. Wife:

"Well, what will you say this time?"

- You see, dear, I went home after work and met such a beautiful woman that I could not resist, met her and stayed with her to spend the night.

"You're lying, a parasite, again playing with your peasants in Preference!"

***

They play Stalin, Beria and Molotov in Preference.

Stalin - "Six Pysk."

Beria - "The Seven Chirves."

Molotov - "All the clubs".

Stalin - "Six Pysk."

"Pass."

"Pass."

***

One pre-transferist says to the other:

- They say that preference is a game for heartless people. Not true! At us yesterday one of players has died, so we finished playing standing.

***

Early morning. A man walks along the street stunned by a night preference, stops a rare casual passer-by and asks:

- What time is it now?

- Five to eight.

- It's like, 60 on a mountain, or what?

***

A new church clerk sneaked to the priest while he was giving a sermon, and whispered:
"Father, there are on the choirs ... they play poker."
"I know," whispered the pastor, "but first I must finish here."

***

Nightmare sleep preference: "I play, therefore, miser." I go, go, go ... "

***

All night in the zone, the prisoners played the Fool for stripping, before the first cocks ...

***

- There is not yet a culture of our players, - said coach Ivanov, playing with wards in Preference.

***

The card combination of the ace and the king (AK) in Poker is sometimes called "Anna Kournikova", as this combination looks beautiful , but rarely wins.

***

- What do you have in common with poker?

- If you do not have a good partner, you should have a happy hand.

***

In prison, one prisoner asks another:

"What are you sitting for?"

- As soon as he began to win in Preferans from the prosecutor, he immediately got caught on bribes.

***

A bear, a hare and a fox sat down at the table to play cards. The bear says:

- I warn everyone: who will cheat - will get a cunning red muzzle!

***

In one of the poker rooms is a game of Poker. Suddenly, one of the players grabs a gun and yells at the rival:

- I hate sharper. Explain how you got the cards I gave myself?

***

Two avid preferenceists were tired of playing preference and decided to rest by playing Fool. Distributed cards:

- You're a fool! (The first one rated his cards).

- I agree! (The second rated his cards).

***

Several people are playing on the beach in the cards. Then a man passed by and approached them with his advice:

"Walk with the lady!" No, no, go to the king! Oh, well, an ace!

In the end, one of the players could not stand it, got up and said to the adviser:

- Sit down in my place, if you so want to play!

- Thank you, but what do you play?

***

Students stand with cards in their hands, a teacher passes by, grabs the first one who is caught by the ears and lets him drag, saying:

"Do you know why I punish you?" Asks the teacher.

- I know. I went in vain with a trump card.

***

Five-year-old Vovochka asked:

"Vovochka, can you count to ten?"

- Yes, I can ... Six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

- What a fine fellow, and then you know?

- Yes I know ... Knave, lady, king, ace!

***

On the bench a group of teenagers plays cards and passes two adults.

"What a disgrace!" - one of them is indignant. Children play cards, and all adults pass by them.

"Well, yes," says another, "I tried to stop yesterday, so I lost all my salary!"

***

"I was told that you taught your wife to play cards?"

- Yes, he taught, and it turned out correctly. Now I have half of my salary.

***

"Oh, you swindler!" - exclaims the grandmother, playing with Vovochka in the Fool.

- Yes, Grandma!

"Do you know the granddaughter, what happens to the one who cheats?"

- Yes, I know, grandmother, he always wins.

***

They ask the Lieutenant Rzhevsky:

"Tell the lieutenant what is a monarchy?"

"This is when the king rules the state!"

"And if the king dies?"

"Then the queen!"

"And if the queen dies?"

- Knave!

***

Petya asks Vasily Ivanovich:

- Vasily Ivanovich, what instrument do you like to play?

- On a big drum.

- Why?

- And with him the cards do not fall to the floor.

***

Three soldiers are sitting in the guard room and playing cards, which is prohibited by the rules of guard duty. The officer comes in. Soldiers hide cards. Officer:

"Play cards, bastards!"

"No, your Honor!" The officer asks the first soldier:

- Who are you?

- Russian.

"Swear on the Bible that you have not played."

- I swear. The officer turns to the second soldier:

- And who are you?

- Tatar.

"Swear on the Qur'an."

- I swear. Finally, it was the turn of the third.

- And who are you?

- Hebrew.

- Swear, Yiddish muzzle, on the Talmud.

"Your Honor!" If the Russian did not play, the Tatar did not play, then with whom could I play then?

***

One of the gamblers loses all the time.

"Do not worry," his partners reassure him. "Whoever does not carry cards, is lucky in love."

- Yes? - he is surprised. I am already forty years old, and I'm still not married.

- You see, that means I'm right.

***

The sharers are asked:

- Why do you always win on cards and lose in the lottery?

- I would win in the lottery, if you were entrusted to take it.

***

In Sochi in one of the sanatoriums play in Preference. One partner takes 5 piles on the maser, gets upset and goes to bathe. Swims quite far and begins to shout, excited:

- Help! Help! Several people rushed into the water and, when they swam up to him, he said to them:

- Materially!

***

One player asks the other:

- Why, when you play with me, do you always win?

- Because you always lose!

***

Two card players are talking:

- Listen, I opened a winning system in poker.

- It's impossible. With any system today, lucky, but not tomorrow.

- That's it, that's why I play every other day!

***

Announce on the beach in the resort town:

- Citizens are having a rest! Kindly please do not play with the locals in the cards, as they know the redeeming!

***

John and Bill are playing poker. John accidentally dropped a card from his hand and he climbed behind her under the table. There he saw Bill's wife without panties. Reddened John got out from under the table and continued the game. A little later, in the kitchen, Bill's wife asked John if he noticed under the table what he liked. John answered:

- Yes, I really liked it.

"You can get it all for just $ 100," she said.

- Bill works on Fridays in the afternoon and if you come about 2 hours after lunch, everything will be all right.

On Friday, John comes to her at 2 o'clock, fucked her well and paid $ 100, as agreed. In the evening, Bill comes home and immediately asks his wife if John went in.

- Yes, dear, he ran for a couple of minutes - reluctantly answered his wife.

"He gave you $ 100, darling?" The husband asked again.

Oh my God! He knows everything, the wife thought and said:

- Yes, he gave me $ 100.

"Well, that's fine," said the husband. "He ran to work for me this morning and borrowed 100 bucks from me, saying he would surely pay the debt after lunch ..."

***

A young man asks the girl:

- Girl, but let's play cards with you in stripping?

The girl answers:

- And are you interested in seeing or boasting?

***

Young people play poker, and the moment comes when all players have a large card. The bank is growing, and finally one of the young players says that he has no more money, but he wants to continue the game, and he needs to call his father, who will bring the money. He is allowed to do this and now he went into the next room and whispered into the phone:

- Daddy, I have a hearts ace, king, lady, jack, ten - flush piano. Nobody can beat me, but fortunately the partners also have a large card, the bank is huge, I beg you, bring money.

Soon my father comes, goes to the table, looks at his son's cards and puts the money in batches in the bank. Seeing such a thing, the partners throw cards, and the father and son take the bank. When everyone left, the son tells his father:

"Dad, why did you scare them with a lot of money?" They would have added to the bank, and immediately everyone understood.

To which the father replied:

"Son, I see that you have not yet mastered the three important commandments of Poker."

- First, if you already win well, be noble and do not undress partners before the thread.

- Second, never call out your cards aloud, even in another room.

- And the third, 3 hearts and 2 diamonds are not a flash piano.

***

Two men come out of the casino at night after playing poker, one completely naked, and the other in only shorts. Naked completely says to the one who is in his underwear:

"Why do I respect you, brother, it's because you can stop in time!"

***

The guy tells his girlfriend before the wedding:

- Darling, you know, I'm a man, and a man has his zamorochki - every Wednesday I leave all night with friends to play Poker. On weekends I go hunting for two days. Do you accept my rules or not?

The girl answers:

"I accept your rules, but I have mine." Every Friday evening I leave to play in the point.

***

In one organization they decided to hold a seminar on survival in extreme conditions. They brought everyone to an uninhabited island and asked the blonde secretary:

- What do you think, what 3 things do you need when you get lost?

The blonde responds:

- Compass, water and a deck of cards!

"What about the maps?"

- Well, how! Only you start to play in Solitaire , as someone behind your back will say: "Dura! You should have put the black nine on the red ten!"

***

A young man suggests a girl to play cards:

- Let's play for sex!

- How is it?

"If I win, I'll sleep with you!"

- And if I?

"Then you'll sleep with me!"

***

- And why are you so lucky in cards, and on the races you never win?

"Have you ever tried to put a horse in your sleeve?"

***

Vovochka comes to school bruised and beaten. Marya Ivanna asks:

"Why are you looking like this, Vovochka?"

And he answered her:

- Dad and friends played at home in preference, I went up and asked him: "What time is it?", He answered: "nine", Uncle Peter said: "pass", and Uncle Kolya said: "whist."

***

The fortune teller folds his cards and tells the client:

- Oh, yeah! Up to fifty years you will suffer from a shortage of money.

- And then what?

"And then you'll get used to it."

***

Imagine, my friends played a fool with me yesterday!

- What is it like?

- Yes, they gave me drink and threw me to my own wife.

***

The husband comes to his house in the evening, meets his wife on the threshold and says:

"Wife, let's get ready, I lost you in cards."

- How so?

- Yes, I myself was upset. And almost lost the pay. It's good that I stopped in time.

***

A man is running around the city, he wants to go to the toilet, but nowhere to go. He sees the signboard "Gay Club" and ran into the toilet. And there are three in a row and have sex. The guy jumps out and to the doorman:

- There you have three guys that ...

"And in the middle of this with a red beard?"

- Yes.

- And this is always lucky in cards.

***

"How is your son-in-law, Mrs. Smith?"

- Everything would be fine, but he does not know how to play cards.

- Sorry, but this is a huge plus!

- No, rather a minus: he does not know how to play, but he plays.

***

A young man (M) meets a dirty bum (B), who asks him for some money.

M pensively takes out her wallet and asks.

M: - If I give you a couple of bucks, you'll drink them?

B: - What are you, I have long stopped drinking.

M: - Well, then you lose to cards.

B: - That you, I have long left gambling. I would just chew.

M: - And how about spending on a woman? Even on someone like you.

B: - You're crazy. Yes, I have 20 years without this case.

M: - Excellent. I'm not gonna give you a couple of bucks. Instead, I take you home for a stunning dinner cooked by my wife.

B: "But your wife will beat you." I'm dirty, and I probably smell awful.

M: - Nonsense. I want to show her what happens to those who do not drink, do not play cards and put a cross on women.

***

10 reasons why cards are better than any woman:

When you open a deck, you always know that you are the first;

You can always share the game with your friends;

At the first signs of aging cards, you can easily replace them with new ones;

Cards and beer are very well compatible;

Maps are never against, if you touch them with your hands;

If you play cards well, then you get money;

Cards are never jealous, if you suddenly want to play, well, let's say, in chess;

In cards you can always play for more than an hour;

You do not need to buy flowers and visit expensive restaurants so that the cards bring you pleasure;

If you are tired of cards, then you can pack them and put them on the table.

***

- Listen, I discovered a win-win system of preference play!

- It's impossible. With any system today you win, and tomorrow you lose.

- That's it! That's why I play only in a day.