Psychological aikido

Psychological aikido

Litvak Mikhail Yefimovich

Table of contents

    

From the author

foreword

1. General principles of psychological warfare, easy to understand and apply depreciation 2.Teoriya a bit boring, but necessary 3.Chastnaya amortization 4.Komandovat or obey (especially for managers)

Surprise

    

From the author

Students   and the sick, teach me psychological aikido,   I dedicate this book.

M. Litvak

Happy! H e purchase this book. You and so good fighters   Aikido.   H e   costs   it   do and the owners' second happiness "- impudence.   It is written    for    patients    neuroses   and   psychosomatic    diseases (hypertension   disease,   ulcerous   disease   stomach   heart attack   infarction, gastritis,   colitis, dermatitis, bronchial asthma and others.) who suffer   them because of the inability to communicate.

8   her   there is   recommendations on how to tame excessively strong-willed authorities as   to find   contact with children, mother-in-law, or how to win   at   business dispute,   not wasted while his psychic energy. So I think,   she   will be   helpful   delicate   clever   people   suffering   from   Ambient rudeness, not yet ill. It will find useful tips executives, managers   and   those,   who want them to become. Book   will be able   help   establish family relationships, raise children, to achieve success in your chosen business.   H adeyus that it will acquire and psychotherapists.

is reducible   here   technique   analogues   It has,   although   I   I use position    transactional    analysis    Gestalt therapy    Behavioural    and cognitive   therapy   approaches Dale Carnegie and others.   H on   forefather   it can be   consider   the brave   soldier   Schweik.   is he   not   posted   on   abuse offenders, and agreed with them. "Svejk, you idiot!" - He said.   Is he,   I did not argue,   a   immediately I agreed: "Yes, I'm an idiot!" - and triumphed,   as   in combating   aikido   not   touching the enemy. Can   be,   and   should call this kind of fight, "the psychological shveykido" as proposed   one   of my students?

foreword

H and   one of the public lectures devoted to the problem of communication, I asked my   students: "Who among you loves power?» H and one   of   450   human   I did not answer   affirmative. When I asked to raise   arms   those,   Who   wants to be   hypnotist,   Guess how many people have raised   arms?   That's right, just about everything. What conclusions can be drawn?

1.              H o one is not recognized himself that he loves power.

2.              H ICTE   not   He admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems limitless).

I   personally   not   I see   Nothing wrong with that you wish to manage   others   the more that people usually acting out of good intentions.

but   the desire to command, be aware or unconscious,   rests   at

similar    claims    partner    by     communication.    There     conflict,

collision   at   which   no   winners.   Annoyance,   irritation,    anger,

depression, headaches, pain in the heart, etc. stay   as   in addition,   Who   I took   top, and in addition, they had to obey.   There is insomnia,   in   during which experienced a conflict situation,   for a while it is difficult to do with current affairs. Some blood pressure rises.   H ome,   that   muffle annoyance,   consume   alcohol   or drugs,   rip   evil   at   next   time   on   member   his   families    or subordinates. Many torture themselves with remorse. give yourself   word   be restrained,   circumspectly,   but   ...   passes   some   time,    and    it all starts over again. H is not over! Each subsequent conflict   there is less occasion for all, it proceeds more rapidly, and the consequences are becoming harder and longer!

H ICTE   not   wants   conflict. When conflicts   becoming   frequent, people struggling to find a way out.

some   begin   restrict communication. At first   moment   as   allegedly   It would help.   H is a temporary solution. The need for communication needs akin   water.   A person who is in complete isolation conditions through   five six   days   developed psychosis, during which   appear   hearing   and visual   hallucinations. With hallucinatory images   begins   communication, which,   of course, can not be productive and lead to loss of life.   H aukoy   It found   what   precisely because of this die   before   deadline   people left   lonely.   Often, the need for communication   beret   his,   and   then people   comes into contact with anyone, but would not be alone.   Many developing isolation, shyness. No longer do you choose, and   you choose.

Second    (at   mostly   this   strong   personality   occupy    command positions)   demand   unquestioning obedience as the   at   family,   So   and   at work.   Then they gradually cease to capture the growing discontent of those   Who   It depends on them. When the exhausted opportunities   suppression, they   sometimes   pain, sometimes noticed with surprise that all of them left,   and they believe that they had been betrayed.

Third,    not    trying to   establish   communication,   change   own    partners, divorce, dismissed from their jobs, move to another city, even   country.   H on   from   himself from his inability to communicate can not be avoided. H and the new   place it all starts over again.

Fourth   fully go into work, often choosing the one that   It does not require contact with other people. H about and this is also a temporary solution.

Fifth ... H on, let me finish the enumeration of surrogate methods, replacing the luxury of human communication. There are a lot of them. What unites them is that   all   they   eventually lead to disease or antisocial   behaviors. At the hospital or jail communication is always there, but unlikely   whether   someone they can meet.

AT   For years I tried to medicate and hypnosis neuroses that   always occurred after conflicts. Patients on a short   time interval    getting    easier,    but   next    conflict,    even    less severity,   cited   to   yet   heavier   state.   AND   this   It is understandable.   After all   or   drugs or hypnosis, or bioenergy   methods,   no acupuncture   not   could teach the behavior in conflict   situation.   Then, in parallel   from   appointment   drugs   I   I became   learn   patients   proper behavior   at   conflict situation, to win the dispute, manage   partner so   that he did not notice it, to get along with yourself, start   communication   and to continue   it productively without quarrels and conflicts, properly configure,   and then defend their interests.

first   the same   experiences a new approach for the treatment of patients given   dramatic results.

Young   human   25   years   for three   days   recovered   from   tics, which   suffered   15   years.   Female   from   functional   palsy    lower limbs   I began to go after a few hours. Sick,   directed   treatment   from   suspected of having a brain tumor, get rid   from   headaches   behind   two   weeks. To the mother who left returned   at home   due to   family conflicts   15-year-old   a son.   Male 46 years   managed   go out   of   depression keep   feeling   its own   dignity   and   two   children    in    the divorce proceedings, which began on the initiative of his wife, decided to   escape   to another.   In   many   We build relationships at work and   at   family.   Gone was the need to command. The peculiar style of subordination partner   It led to the desired results. This list could be continued.

Gradually   He elaborated look at communication as the type of psychological warfare, and it reminded me of techniques martial arts, based protection principles are, care, defense. I call this method of "psychological aikido." At the same time he formulated the principle of depreciation.

Modern   the science   indicates   what   roots   neurosis   leave   at   early

childhood,   when formed neurotic system of relations,   neurotic

character.   it   It leads to the fact that all the time a person lives   at   a position to

expressed emotional stress, often unconscious, and   It is becoming

vulnerable     at     difficult    conflict    situations.    H achinaetsya     neurosis,

psychosomatic   disease   (bronchial   asthma,    gastritis,    ulcerous

disease   stomach   hypertension, colitis,   dermatitis   and   et al.).   Able    stress    emotional   voltage    violated    immunity.   H evroticheskie subjects often suffer from infectious diseases, they   often occur   malignant   tumor   from   them   more   occur   accidents.   Therefore   way, saying, "All diseases of the nerves" gets   Now scientific justification.

H on   what for   the same   wait   when a person gets sick   or   from   it   something happens, he or someone will bring misfortune? H e better to start   work to   Togo,   as   he   ill?   Since the club was founded   psychoprophylactic   and psycho oriented, which we called CROSS (Club   decided to master stressful situations). Here we are inviting people who   have psychological   Problems   in the family and in the workplace.   Instead   of   to prescribe medication, we help them to establish communication.

     H and    lecture    sessions   and   at   Group   psychological    training

practiced    known   and   produced   new    receptions    and    regulations

psychological   struggle. More than 85% of students say   what   at   result of acquisition   skills   psychological aikido them   at   that   or   other   extent succeeded   establish   relationships within the family and at work. H ome   have been promoted. Many began to set higher goals.

If   first sessions were limited to questions of conflict   and   rules

out of it, then the audience interested in the following issues   fate

and    receptions   re   from   a view to   correction   personality   scenario.    AT

further    my    Attention   attracted   provisions   social    psychology.

Actual   became   need   take   oratory   art.   There was interest in the problem of sexual relations and sex education.

Lectures and training sessions have proved insufficient. listeners   and train    arose   necessity   yet   time   return   to    passed material, think about it again, to refresh your memory. First, for this   purpose the well-known to our readers Dale Carnegie books, psychotherapists V. Levy, A. Dobrovich, Eric Berne, and many others. Good books! They have a lot of rules   and practical advice. They say they need to do, but there is not   always easy   to find,   as   do.   occasionally   audience   not   could   use   these recommendations   So   as   found it difficult   choose   for   himself   the   or   other   according   from   specific situation. In addition, I had   have developed their own approaches. Thus was born the idea of writing a manual on psychological warfare.   Its main contents - amortization of equipment designed   me on   Based on communication laws. A number of books will be released in the future,   at   which   I'm single and deepening this topic.

1.              GENERAL IN H ples psychological warfare,

EASY TO IN H IMAHIYA And PRIMEHEHIYA

I invite you to get acquainted with the principle of depreciation. Eastern   sages

They said:    "Know   -   so   be able to. "   If   you   want to    discover    principle

depreciation,    one    reading   this   books    enough.    H Necessity

try   apply   him   himself. Sometimes   at once   not   obtained.   H ichego terrible!   After   Think of the conflict, as it should be   do.   You can send   letter to his abuser. How to make them, you   learn   of   this book.   Watch out for other conflicts, try to understand   their   mechanism   and chart a way out of them. It is better to learn from the mistakes of others. Thus, in   way.   "Road by walking."

The objectivity of the laws of psychology

When   the rain, we are sitting at home or take an umbrella, but not   We criticize the sky   and   clouds. We know that the laws by which rain is not   depends   from us, and just try to the best of opportunities to adapt to them.

H on   here   there   conflict   in family,   on   work   on   street   or   in transport,   and   instead   charming magical sounds   harmonic   communication, intimacy,   love   hear a creak overworked   hearts   and   crackling   of broken lives. It always seems that if it were not evil will our communication partner, the   the conflict would not exist. And what our partner thinks? About the same. We are trying to mentally   impose   partner or that style of behavior.   winning   it ajar   to the wall and at the time of calm, so it seems to us,   what   we have gained some experience in this conflict. And what does our partner?   Also   thing.   AND   often   we   no suspect   what   laws   communication   So   as objective as the laws of nature and society.

                                     T With smart amye

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Fig. 1.

An example of the following may serve as a psychological experiment of   Dembo test. Here the vertical scale (Fig. 1). H and its north pole   The cleverest   People, on the south - the most stupid. H aydite its place on this scale.   you have placed   himself near the middle? H is a little higher! Guess?   Can,   you think,   what   I   I can   to read   the thoughts of others?   H is.   I   just   I know   the laws of psychology.

Any   a person who is of sound mind and memory,   He places himself   exactly   here.   You can on the basis of this test show   his   close focus.    Spend    from    it   experiment,   a   later    Present    pre-cooked piece of paper with the result. Coincidence sometimes   up   to the millimeter.

What conclusion can be drawn from this elegant experiment?

Communicating   from   partner   we must remember that we communicate   from   man

which the   about   himself   good opinion. It is necessary to stress the   all   his view, the construction of the phrases during the conversation, it is important to ensure that   lest   It was derogatory gestures, indulgent facial expressions   and   etc.   Better   Total,   if   during the conversation you always carefully   look   at him, as it happens during the fight.

Besides   Togo,   programmed response of the partner in the   question.   AND   It not just programmed. This is a forced response. Try placing   himself   northern   pole. H e is obtained? Correctly. Closer   to   north   pole place   himself   usually   weak-minded   people.   A   closer   to   South?   Also    does not work.   Closer   to   south pole placed   himself   people,   are   in the deep   depression   or wise men such as Socrates, who   said:   "I   I only know that I know nothing. " By the way, this test as if we measure the intelligence, the value of which we have mentioned above traits.

If   answer   partner   we are not satisfied (and   he,   as   we   only   installed,   forced), we asked the wrong question. Therefore   way   for   to    to govern   partner   by   communication,   must   model    his behavior, and he will be forced to have to do what we need.

The question arises: what about the partner? We win, and what will happen to   them?   AT   That's   and is a feature of psychological struggle that here   there are no winners   and   losers. Here or both win or both   lose.   therefore   your   victory will be the victory of your partner.   H and   at   no   case can not bring up partner. Let us remember that education ends   for five to seven years. Further effects called reeducation.   A   it is possible   only   at   self-help.   re   each   It can only be one person-himself.

Therefore    way   an object   of education   always   under   hand.   Opens brilliant   perspective:   work on yourself,   his   behavior   study the Fa     psychological    struggle.    be    wise    and    indulgent tutor. H e punish his charge too strict,   try it   persuade.   After this re-restructuring and reorganization   always difficult   and   painful.   be   firm in   assigned   purpose   but   soft   in the media. Keep in mind that the acquisition of knowledge, as a winding coil. So, in the battle!

depreciation Basics

Getting to communicate with a look at it as a psychological struggle, should be   lean   on   wisdom accumulated   over the centuries   (Bible   texts, teachings of eastern wise men, etc.).

1.Zanimaytes systematically. The question is, where to get the time?   A   it is further not necessary. Each of us speaks, everyone there are failures.

(Those,   Who   satisfied with the results of the dialogue, they love friends   loves

Supra g (a)   worship   subordinates, respect   bosses,   Who   never   not

conflicts should not read this book. This communication geniuses. They and   So

on    intuitive   level   all   mastered.)   Such   failures   must   attentively

analyze   in the light of the knowledge gained from this book,   and   search   only

their   error. "And what do you see the speck in your brother's eye, and the beam   at

your   eyes do not you feel? .. First remove the plank from your own eye,   and   then

you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. "

     2. H e afraid of difficulties and setbacks. "Enter by the narrow gate; because

wide   gates   and   the way that leads to destruction, and many   go   them;

because   what   narrow is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and   few   find

their".

     3.Otrabatyvayte    at first   defense,   protection.    Sometimes    one    it

enough   for successful communication. "Agree with thine adversary quickly,   while you are on the road with him ... "

4. H e ignore the ridicule of others. «H e Answer a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him."

5. H e sing on success, as Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty fall.

6. In the period of training completely give partner initiative.

The basis of amortization of the principle of inertia are the laws that are characteristic

not only for the physical body, but also for biological systems. To repay it,   we   the amortization, are not always aware of it. And if we do not realize it   and   use   not   always.   much more successful   apply   we   physical depreciation. If we are pushed from a height, and thus imposed   a fall,   We continue   a movement that was imposed on us - damping, the   most   quenching effects   push   and then get up on the flat   legs,   rectifies.   If   us   pushed   at   water, and here we are at the beginning   continue   movement that   us   imposed,   and   just after   exhausted   of force   inertia emerges.   Athletes   specially trained depreciation.   Look   as a football player takes the ball like a boxer goes from bumps and falls like   fighter   in that   side   at   which   pushes   him   enemy.   at   this   he   carries the last   for themselves, and then adds a bit of its energy   and   It is already   upstairs, actually using his own strength. H and the same is based   depreciation principle in interpersonal relationships.

Model    depreciation   provided   at   "The Rake   the brave    Soldier Schweik ":   "Schroeder   He stopped in front of Svejk and began   him   examine.

The results of his observations Colonel summarized in one word:

·                Idiot!

·                Humbly report, sir, you idiot! - Said Svejk. "

H and   what   counts   partner, addressing   to   us   from   those   or   any other suggestions? H etrudno guess - our consent. all   body   all metabolic processes, the whole psyche attuned to it. And suddenly we refuse. As with   He himself feels? H e can imagine? Remember how you   We feel when invited partner (or partner) to a dance or a movie, and   you refused! Remember how you felt when you were denied   reception   you are interested in the work, even though they knew that the valid   reasons for   such refusal was not! Of course, it should be on our way, but   first   move should   be   amortization. Then there is the possibility for   productive contacts in the future.

Therefore   way   depreciation   - Is immediate   agreement   from   arguments partner.     Depreciation     it happens    direct,     lag     and prevention.

H eposredstvennaya amortization

H eposredstvennaya   depreciation is often used in the process   communication   in "psychological stroking" situations where you do compliments or flatter,   invitation to cooperate, applying "psychological   Shot. "   Here are some examples of depreciation techniques.

When "psychological stroking"

A: You look great today.

B: Thank you for the compliment! I really look good.

Last thing    sentence   be sure to:   some   make    compliments

insincerely   from   perceived or unconscious purpose to confuse   partner.   H and this    answer    can   finish,   but   if   you   suspect    partner    insincerity, you can add the following: I am particularly pleased   hear   it is up to you, because I do not doubt your sincerity.

When the invitation to cooperate

A: We offer you the position of head of the department.

B: 1) Thank you. I agree (with the consent).

2)   thank   you   for an interesting proposal.   H ADO   think   and   all

weigh (if a negative answer is expected).

must be   Mark,   what   specialist in   psychological   aikido   agrees    after    the first   invitations.   If   first    invitation    It was insincere, all at once falls into place. Next time with   you   in these    games    not   will   play.   If   invitation   sincere,   you    We would appreciate a quick agreement. On the other hand, when it comes to making any business proposal itself, it too should be done only   once.   Let's   remember   rule: "To persuade -   so   rape. "   Typically specialist    by   psychological   aikido   himself   nothing   not   offers,    and organizes   its   activities so that to interesting   him   cause   he was invited.

At the "psychological impact"

A: You are a fool!

B: You are absolutely right! (departure from the shock).

Usually   two or three   departures   from   attack   it happens   enough.   partner falls   in a state of "psychological grog", he was disoriented, confused.   Beat   it is no longer necessary. I believe in your honesty, my dear reader!    You   without   need   beat   lying   not   will.   at    the answer can be extended at need as follows:

·                As you will quickly realize that I am a fool. I managed for so many years from all   to hide it. If your discernment you have a great future!   I'm just surprised that you are still the authorities did not appreciate!

To illustrate, I describe a scene that occurred on the bus.

Specialist   by   M. psychological aikido, skipping representatives

beautiful   floor,   last   I squeezed into a crowded   bus.   When I closed   the door, he looked for in his numerous   pockets   (on   it was   jacket,   pants and jacket) coupons. In this case it naturally   delivered a   inconvenience of standing up a notch G. Suddenly it was   thrown "psychological stone." G. angrily said:

·                How long will you still poking around ?!

Immediately followed by sinking answer:

·                Long.

Further dialogue proceeded as follows:

D .: H because of the way I can nalezt coat on the head!

M .: Can.

D .: H ichego no funny!

M .: In fact, there's nothing funny.

There was a friendly laughter. G. during the trip did not say more than

not a single word.

Imagine how much conflict continued, if   on   first remark was followed by the traditional answer:

·                This is not a taxi, you can suffer!

Here   described embodiments of the immediate depreciation.   H achinayuschie master   this technique often complain that in the moment of contact is not   time to figure out    as   conduct   depreciation,   and   answer   at   its    normal, conflict   style. It is not in uptake, and that   many   our patterns of behavior are automatically, without the inclusion of thinking.

before   all must suppress them and to closely monitor   actions of a partner,   him   words   and   agree. Here   not   must   nothing   write!   Read again the example. You see, M. used the "energy" of the partner -   he did not come up with a single word!

lag amortization

When    direct   depreciation   nevertheless   not    It failed,    You can use the lag depreciation. If direct contact   between the partners stopped, you can send a letter amortization.

I was approached for the psychological help the soldier, a man of 42 years. H Azov him of H. H astroenie he was depressed. Previously, he held me    course   psychological   aikido   and   from   success   used    techniques, the immediate depreciation, which allowed him to significantly   strengthen   his position   on   work   put into production   their   development.   I   even I thought   that the more trouble he will not, so visit   him   It was for me a kind of unexpected.

is he    I told   following   history.   Of the year   one and a half   ago   he   He carried away by an employee from another department. Convergence initiative came from her.   She admired   without measure our hero, sympathized with him when   at   it   were failures.   Under his leadership, began to exploit the developed them   techniques quite successfully mastered them and became an ardent follower of his.   She is   the first   a declaration of love. They had planned to start   together   life as a    all of a sudden,   completely   suddenly   for   it   him   friend    the closure of the meeting. It happened a few days after   he was asked to leave the reserve, but to remain in the institution of voluntary recruitment.

It was a nuisance, but not so much because he was able to continue its   research, although wages are significantly lower. gap   the same   My friend took it as a catastrophe. It seemed that everything collapses. He would then amortize,   and   all   would   It fell into place.   H on   he   began   sort things out.   it   to nothing lead, and he decided to do more than   from   her   not to talk,   "Endure" as understood,   what   at   end of the   ends   All will pass.   So   It lasted about a month. is he   from   her   not   saw   and   I started to calm down.   H on   Suddenly she began to address him with the business   matters unnecessarily and looked at it at him tenderly.

H and   some   time   relations are improving, but then   again   followed by a break.   So   It continued for a further six months, until he did not understand,   what   she mocks him, but to resist its provocations could not. By this time,   it   developed a pronounced depressive neurosis. During the next   she quarrels   he said that in general never loved him. It was the final blow.   And he asked for help.

To me   It was   it is clear that it is now in direct battle   not   It makes no sense. Then we wrote a letter amortization.

Here are the contents:

You   absolutely   law that stopped our meetings. thank   you   for pleasure   which   He gave me, apparently out of pity.   You   So   skilfully played,   I have never for a moment did not doubt that you love me.   You me   I carried away, and I could not answer yours, as I then thought, feeling.   AT   it   not   It was   no false note. I am writing this not in order   that   you are back.   Now it is no longer possible! If you re going to   speak,   that you love me, how can I believe? Now I understand how you with me   it was hard!   H e   love, and so behave! And last request.   Try   with me not occur even in the case. H ADO to wean. They say time heals, but so far I believe it is difficult. I wish you happiness!

H.

AT   letter   It was   invested all her letters and photos.   at once   the same   after sending   writing   H.   I felt great   relief.   A   when   many began   attempts to "friend" to restore relations,   calmness   already complete.

I   I think it makes no sense to conduct a detailed analysis of the depreciation   this moves   letters.   Here   no   or   a reproach.   I draw   Attention   on   a psychological subtlety, which is contained in the phrase: "Try to   I do not   meet   Even in the case. " Man is awesome   manner.   He always   it would be desirable that it is not available. Forbidden fruit is always   sweet.   And vice versa,   human   He is trying to give up what   him   imposed.   Once God forbade Adam and Eve to pluck apples from the tree, so they are near him and found.

how   Only H. asked his friend not to meet with him, she   immediately became    seek   establish   relations.   When   the same   he   had tried   make a date,   the   then   he could not. In communication   prohibitions   give the opposite effect. Do you want to achieve something from a man, he is a rebuke.

     FROM    acquisition   experience   compilation   depreciation    scripting    I

convinced    what   on   initial   stages   training   better   write    letter.

H achinayuschie   They are in great anxiety, and often   after   one or two   depreciation strokes go to the old, conflicted communication style.   Besides   Togo,   partner can read the letter several times.   Each   time   it will be in a different mental state. Sooner or later, a letter will make the necessary   psychological effect. One girl wrote   amortization letter.   Very upset that there was no answer. It came six months later,   but what it was the answer!

Preventive amortization

definition    given    at   the   title.   Her   can    use    in work and family relationships, in those cases, when the conflict   It follows the same stereotype, when threats and accusations acquire the same   form   and   the commandment of the partner is known in advance. Model   Preventive depreciation find in "The Good Soldier Svejk." One of   Lieutenant Oak heroes of the book, talking to the soldiers, usually uttered: "Do you know me?   H is,   you do not know me! You know me from the good side,   but   you me   learn   and   from   bad side. I have moved to tears. "   once   Svejk collided with a second lieutenant Oak.

·                What are you doing hanging around here? - He asked Shveyka.- You know me?

·                Humbly I report, I would not want to know you a bad hand.

Lieutenant Oak audacity of numb, and Svejk calmly continued:

·                Humbly report, I want you to know only the good side, so you do not have brought me to tears as deigned to promise last time.

In lieutenant Duba guts only then to scream:

·                Hit the rascal, we will talk with you!

Carnegie   at   such   cases suggests: "Tell me about   himself   all   then   that's going to make your accuser, and you deprive him of the wind the sail. " Or,   as stated   proverb:   "obey   head   sword   not   flogs. "   Here   some examples of preventive depreciation.

Preventive depreciation in family life

Zam.   main   Design   one of   large   factories,   Man   aged    38   years,   married,   having   children   leading   yet    and    an active social life, in our classes told about the problem.

In    it   due to   frequent   late   joining   home   not infrequently   conflicts arose   from   his wife, which, in principle, had a good relationship.   Accusations have the following content: "When will this end! I Do not know if there   my husband   or   no! Do you have children or not the father! Just think what   indispensable!   Exposes himself, that's you and load! "Etc.

look here   his account of the episode, which occurred in his   at   family after a month of training in cross-country.

·                One day after a late arrival home, I saw   terrible silence   his   spouses' psychological poker "and   prepared   to   battle.

The dialogue began with the cry:

·                Why was delayed today?

Instead of excuses, I said:

·                Honey, I'm surprised your patience. If you behaved like am   I,   I would have not survived. After all, look what happens:   came the day before yesterday   late,   yesterday - late, today promised to come early   -   as   luck would have it again later.

Wife (with anger):

·                Throw their psychological tricks!

(She knew about my studies.)

I (guiltily):

·                Yes   and   here   psychology. Man you got   and   at   the   the same   practically it is not the time. The children's father did not see it. You could have come earlier.

My wife (not so threatening, but still unhappy):

·                Okay, come.

I   silently I undress, wash my hands and go into a room, sit down and start to read something. My wife at that time just finished frying patties. I was hungry and smelt   highly   tasty, but the kitchen I did not go. Wife   entered   at   room   and   with some tension asked:

·                Why do not you go there? Go somewhere already fed!

I (guiltily):

·                H is, I am very hungry, but I did not deserve.

Wife (somewhat softer):

·                Okay, go there.

I ate only one pie and continue to sit. Wife (warily):

·                What cakes taste good?

I (still guilty):

·                No, pies are delicious, but I do not deserve it.

Wife (very gently, even with affection)

·                H y, okay. Eat all you want.

AT   a tone conversation lasted about a minute. The conflict was settled.

Previously spat could last for several days.

Preventive depreciation in the service relationship

Amazingly simple, but almost no one that does not enjoy! H ADO to come   to

boss and say something like: "I have come to you scolded me.

You know what I've done ... "Here are three examples.

D.   He was a skilled lathe operator, but quite often ill, and thereby caused   displeasure with his boss, who in conversation with   eye   approximately    offered    him    quit.   After    successful    learning    methods of psychological warfare, he felt good and confident. And this, he came up with. Well worked two weeks, wrote a letter of resignation   and not putting date, I came to the reception to the chief and said the following:

·                I   I understand that was a burden on the industry, but now I'm healthy.

that   at   you   not   was no doubt on this score, I brought   you   statement   of resignation on their own without a date. I fully give myself to   your disposal.   Once again I have let you down, put a date   and   fire me.

H hief   I looked   on   D. was surprised   and   unconcealed   interest.   Application refused to take. Since then, relations have become a warm,   a   D.   gained confidence.

A    here    example    preventive    (proactive)    depreciation    in the workplace. E., safety engineer, fascinated by psychology during   training   psychological   aikido   I decided to   retrain   the profile   engineering   psychology. To do this, she had to   do   on   3-year rates of psychological toll university department, and   means for   payment   learning   get in the workplace. here is   as   her   managed   do it.

E.   I signed up   on   welcome to the director and entered the final.   is he   He looked tense and tired. E. start as follows:

·                I am the last, and I have for you is not a request, and the proposal.

director   relaxed   and   I looked   on   E.   calmly   and   even   with some interest. E. continued:

·                It   It should bring the most benefits production, but   at first   it will be necessary to spend a lot of money.

Face   Director again became tense. Next conversation   was   in the following way.

·                If this proposal can not take, no claims will be, but for the rage forgive me in advance.

H vol- tage asleep at once, and it peacefully and even more complacent asked   E.   continue.   When she outlined   heart   case   he   I asked how   this   will be   cost.   E.   named   worth   2000   rubles,   he   fun laughing (pr edpriyatie "tossing and turning" the millions) and gave his consent:

·                H y, it's stuff!

AND   last   example   Preventive depreciation.   Past   at   our training   D. believes that the knowledge and skills gained on them   sessions   on psychological   aikido   if not saved his life,   the   by   extreme   least helped   maintain health and made his life in the army is not so painful.   He came to serve in the construction team. That's one of the cases that helped D. gain authority.

·                H Axe   office   dined   at   civil   dining room   by   special coupons.    AT    the   day   she is   not   It worked.   Commander   department    I tried to organize food coupons in the other dining room, but do   this   he does not   managed,   as he demanded, shouting. Then I suggested   its   help.

I went to the head of the dining room and spoke to her with the words:

·                I have a huge request to you. If you refuse, I will not insult you I have, as I understand it is very difficult.

I   outlined   crux of the matter, asked her to think about how to feed 12   the soldiers who   suitable   her   in sons. And she came up with! H ace   fed,   a   then passes put into our dining room and got the money.

Summary

     Depreciation    -   this   agreement   with   all   allegations    enemy.

Distinguish     three    species    depreciation:   direct,    lag    and

prevention. Basic principles of depreciation:

1.Spokoyno accept compliments.

2.If you are satisfied with the proposal, agree on the first try.

3. H E of the proposed their services. Helps when did his business.

4.Predlagay cooperation only once.

5. H e expect when you start to criticize, criticize himself.

Now   it is time to relax, put the book aside for a few   days   and

try to apply in my life considered techniques. This will greatly facilitate the perception of the material that is presented in Sec. 2.

2.              THEORY OF DEPRECIATION, EMHOGO SKUCHHAYA of H, HO Requisite

Principle   depreciation has been developed based on the study I practical application of transactional analysis - psychotherapeutic method, discovered and developed by   California psychotherapist E.   Berne   at   50-70th   years of our    century.   Communication,   as   I   pointed   higher,   is an   one    most necessary   human needs. We hunger to   communication,   points   E.   Berne,    highly   a lot of   common   from   food   hunger.   therefore   here   appropriate "gastronomic" parallels.

The need for communication

Rational   food   should include a full   set   nutritious

substances   vitamins, trace elements and so on. n. Deficiency of one of the   them   cause

the appropriate type of hunger. And communication can be complete   only   at

Tom   if it met all requirements, if   it   there are

all the ingredients. -

There are several types of hunger to communicate.

Hunger    on    stimulation   develops   at   absence    irritants

necessary for communication, ie, alone situation. In   babies deprived of the necessary contact with the people in terms of children's homes, irreversible   changes   at   psyche, which later   prevent   a person to adapt to social life. An adult who does not have special training, in terms of loneliness killed on 5-10 day.

H on the satisfaction of hunger only to stimulation can not make a full-fledged dialogue. So, once in a multimillion-dollar business trip to the city or to rest on   crowded resort, we can experience an acute sense of loneliness,   if not   can   meet another kind of communicative hunger -   hunger   on recognition.   here is   why   we   on   We try a new place   get   new friends   and friends, so you get to know them! That is why we   happy to meet   at   foreign human city, which at the place   Unknown   we   We do not support a special relationship! H about and that is not enough.

H Necessity   eliminate hunger and more to meet the needs of   in communication.   It occurs when a person is forced to communicate   from   people who   him   not   interested   deep,   a   itself   communication   wears   formal.

Then   must   satisfy hunger at the event.   Even   if   pretty deep around you people, but it does nothing new, the same event   repeated in the same sequence, develops   boredom.   Thus, we    bothers   plate,   which   yet   recently   we   listened to   from   great pleasure.   That's why people with great relish   gossip,   when suddenly   It is becoming   known any scandal   from   their   good friends. It immediately refreshes the communication.

Exist   yet   hunger   to achieve. H Necessity   to achieve   some result,   to   whom you strove to master some   skill.   The man is happy when he suddenly starts to turn.

H on   this is not enough. Necessity and H satisfy the hunger for recognition.   For example, an athlete   acts   at competitions, although in training   already   showed record results, the writer tries to publish a written   book   a scientist already prepared to defend his thesis. And here is   not   only   in the material rewards.

we   We eat not just products, and prepare them some food   and   we can stay   unsatisfied, if not eaten for a long time did not drink or borscht   compote.   Provided further structural hunger. We exchange greetings   (rituals), work   (otsedury etc.), conduct conversations on breaks   (entertainment),   We love, conflicting.    lack of    some   forms   communication    can    lead    to the structural   hunger. H For example, if a person only works   and   all   not fun.

AND   if written many books about tasty and healthy food, then why   we so   few   We pay attention to the gastronomy of communication ?! After all, because of the   it   instead of a delicious menu of joyful and productive contacts have served on the table of the   the same   starting materials burnt, dried, and often   foul, poisonous food intrigue, conflict and strife!

Communication with itself (structural analysis)

Let's try to see how communication and preparing any raw   products

are used   for its preparation. That young engineer does   report   at the conference. He has one posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures.   This Adult, objectively assess the reality of the person. He comes home and   wife   straight   from   threshold asks him to throw out the garbage. And before   us   another man   -   capricious child. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary,   facial expressions, pantomime,   gestures.   A   in the morning when he was   leaves   on   work   him   son accidentally   sheds   on   his light carefully   ironed   costume   glass of cherry   juice.   AND   Again we face the other person   -   formidable   Parent.   Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, intonation, facial expressions and gestures.

studying   communication   of people,   E.   Berne   He described   three   I states,   that every person has a district that turns, and sometimes together are exterior   communication.   I states - normal   psychological   human phenomena   ID: Parent (P) - Adult (B) - Child (D)   (Fig.   2.).   All   they   required   for life. Child - the source of our   desires,   instincts, needs.     Here     joy,     intuition,     creation,     imagination, curiosity,   spontaneous activity. H about here   and   fears   whims, discontent.   In addition, the Bambino - the whole psychic   energy.   for   who live in? For Bambino! This may be the best part of our personality.

                                  / --- \

| P |

                                  \ --- /

                                   / --- \

| B |

                                  \ --- /

                                  / --- \

| A |

                                  \ --- /

Fig. 2.

Adult   needed   for   survival. Child wants   Adult   performs.   Adult   switches   street,   climbs in   the mountains,   manufactures   impression produces   food   builds   housing, making clothes, etc.   Adult   monitors the actions of parents and child.

If     act    performed    often    and    starts     performed automatically,   simply because it is assumed here shown   Parent.   This autopilot, which leads right the ship in normal conditions,   freeing   Adult   from   acceptance   routine   everyday   solutions   this   and a brake,   that   automatically keep us from hasty   actions.   Parent   -   our   conscience.   Slogans Bambino - want   like;   Adult   - Appropriate, useful; Parent - should not be. And happy people, if   it   want,   expedient   and should have   one   and   the   the same   content!   H For example, I want to write this book, it is advisable to write this book, I have to write this book.

If    wish    Bambino   satisfy   in a timely manner,    they    It seems reasonable   and it is easy to perform them. Delay in meeting   requirements or leads to the disappearance of its Theological and whether to excess. This happens, for example, when   human   limit yourself to food; it becomes a glutton   or   loses appetite.

If   the surrounding reality does not change, the body   switches   on automatic control, and all the desires Bambino, his security pass in   Parent management. Habitual actions require a minimum expenditure of energy, and   bans are malooschutimymi. An adult can at this point   do other   problems. Actions seem appropriate, even reasonable,   but the consciousness they are practically not involved, there is no thought here. This becomes evident when the situation suddenly changes, control is weakened Adult,   and rigid,     conservative    programs    Parent    make     a person automatically   carry outdated, but last expedient   actions.   So,    young   coquettish   girl,   automatically   using the   cosmetics, becomes   even more attractive. Time passes, and if the adult   does not control   actions   Parents,   those   the same   receptions   her   age the   and   make ugly.

Leaders, parents, teachers, in general, all of us   costs   remember that   programs   Parents, especially acquired in early   childhood   are very   resistant.   For   they need a lot of destruction   effort   special tricks.   Parent   at   their demands becomes aggressive,   It makes us work    adult,   deals   harm   Bambino,   behind   score   energy    which there himself. I illustrate this by an example.

His   students   on   One of the lessons I somehow   I advised   treat their   reviews   two hours after the arrival of sandwiches, tea,   candy.   Immediately fell objection: "Who, then, will be to us to go? What will be on the   us   speak?   how   so, come visit, and I do not   cook   good treats? "   Pressure   Parent   is so   strong   what   all   of force   Adult mind directed to perform foolish things. Purchased ten products   time   more,   than   you need to eat in a   five   time   more,   than   necessary Bambino. In any hospital will tell you that the most   receives patients   from   myocardial   infarction, perforated   ulcers   stomach   alcoholic psychosis   after   holidays.   how   we see   not   So   really   harmless   hard Parent program, out-of-control adults!

Yet   one   the danger comes from the parents. It is often   there are   powerful prohibitive   programs,   that   prevent   satisfy   personality    their needs,   prohibitions:   «H is, to marry until   long   till   not   get higher   Education "," Hikogda not meet people in the street, "etc.   H and   for some time   they restrain child, but then breaks down the energy of unmet needs   dam prohibitions. When the child (want to), and Parent (impossible)   friend   with friend   quarrel,   And adults can not reconcile them, developing   internal conflict, a man torn by contradictions. And "when there is no agreement on the way their business will not go in and out of what is not the case, only the train flour."

student    psychological   fight   at    the    training    must analyze the contents of its parent, destroy unnecessary restrictions and to develop new skills, and it is quite possible.

For   example, take a few fragments from the novel by J. London "Martin Eden". Young sailor Martin Eden falls in love with a girl from a bourgeois   environment Ruth    Morse.   In   she   also   arose   inclination   to   Martin.   Novel   Psychologic deeply. Some of its episodes illustrate the struggle   Bambino   and parents,   which   It is the essence of intrapersonal conflict.   H and   different stages of the adult becomes the side of the child, on the part of parents.

Consider the scene where Martin Eden first came to Morse.   Is he,   before   cross the threshold, awkwardly pulled his cap from his head. spacious   he lobby   somehow   at once   It was not in place. He did not know what to do   with   his cap,   and   was about to shove it into his pocket, but at this time   Arthur   He took his cap   from his hand and made it so easy and natural that a guy   I was touched.

Huge   the room seemed to be too tight for his swinging gait   - he   all   time   I feared   hook on   shoulder   behind   door   shoal   or   whisk trinket with fireplace. His large hands dangling helplessly, he did not know what to   them   do.   And when he thought he was going to will touch   books   on the table, he pulled away like a frightened horse, and almost threw a stool at the piano.   Drops of perspiration were on his forehead, and stood, and he wiped his face with a handkerchief around the room, eyes focused, but in this view all   It was still   anxiety, like a wild animal, fearful of a trap. He was surrounded by the unknown - fear of what awaited him, did not know what to do.

what   It is interesting from the point of view of structural analysis? Martin   Eden was in unfamiliar surroundings. The program of his parents was not necessary for   this   the situation of the automated patterns of behavior.   Him   Adult took it over. And though he looked awkward, it was he thought, not Arthur,   although   his behavior was "simple and natural"   So   as   going   from parents.

H on   here   came   Ruth. She spoke freely and easily (work   Parent Ruth).   From the subsequent discussion it is clear that she is not pondering, he recounted opinion   their environment. H of a sudden she caught his eyes blazing. Yet none   one man   not   I looked at her, and the look embarrassed her. She is   hesitated   and stopped. From it suddenly slipped discussion thread. This man is scared   it, and   at   the   the same   time it somehow was pleased that he   she   So   looks (crushed Parents Child comes to life). Graft education   skills (Parent)   warned   her   against the danger of   and   of force   it   insidious charm;   but instinct (Child) rang in the blood, demanding that she forgot   who she was and what she was, and rushed toward the visitor from another world.

AND   Martin Eden is said Ruth looked at him with admiration.   His fire   I warmed her. She first felt that she was, did not know the heat.   She wanted to cling to the powerful, passionate person, which bubbled   volcano forces   and health (Bambino desire). The desire was so strong that   she is   with difficulties   restrained   themselves (adults and parents). H about in   the   the same   time   something (Parent) and pushes it from Martin. Repels those wounded hands,   into the skin   which it seemed to ingrained everyday dirt, the swollen muscles,   neck, grated    collar.   Him   coarseness   frightened   her.   each   rough    word offended   hearing (not a rumor, and parents). Still, it was attracted to him   some,   she thought, satanic power. Anything so firmly settled n   her brain,   all of a sudden   It was   waver (attacks   on   Parent   Ruth).   Him   life overturned all the usual s it like at the presentation. Life no longer seemed to her something serious and difficult, but rather a toy, a nice play, twirl   in all directions, but which it can be and to give without regret.   "Here   and   you   play, - she said her inner voice - Squeeze him,   if you   So   I want to,   hug his neck. " Her horrified lightheadedness   these motives,   but she forced herself to think vain about their cleanliness,   their culture   -   everything that distinguishes it from him. Looking around,   Ruth saw   and that the others listen spellbound but   eyes   his mother   She read the same horror, enthusiastic, but still terrified, and it gave her   of force   (received   support   from   Parent   mother).   Yes,   this   man who came   of   darkness   -n orozhdenie evil.   Ruth   It was   ready   rely   on the mother's judgment is always used to rely. Martin Flames ceased to burn it,   and   the fear he instilled in her, lost sharpness (Parent   "Crushed" Child).

Martin   Eden   fell in love   in Ruth and decided to become his   at   their   environment.   He managed to   restructure the program of its parent, enrich   Knowledge   his adult.   Across   year   soiree at Ruth Martin   interviewed   from   chief accountant   minutes   fifteen,   Ruth not   could   rejoice   on   her lover. His eyes had never shone, cheeks never   broke, and   Ruth   I marveled at the tranquility with which he led the conversation (work   Parents who   Little   It helps   Adult). H's talk about   interested   him.   Martin was not waving his arms, but Ruth meticulously noted a special gleam in his eyes,   his voice gradually begins to rise, and the paint is surging   her cheeks   (act   Bambino).   Martin H about very little   thought   now   about   decorum!   is he   had seen,   how knowledgeable and how well formed   him   interlocutor (joint   Job   Adult   and   Bambino,   which   unobtrusively   It helps parents).

Gradually,   by   As the formation of a new program of the Parent,   Adult Martin   more freed from routine work and begins to understand the   situation   and   in his beloved. Martin realized that   Ruth   "The joy of creativity" - empty words. It is, however, often use them in   conversation,   and Martin first heard about the joy of creativity from her mouth. She read about   This, I heard   lectures of university professors, even mentioned by renting   the degree   bachelor   Art. H about herself she was alien originality   I thought, every creative impulse and could only repeat what has been memorized hearsay. Therefore, it could not assess the creativity of her fiance, could not   imagine that you can be a writer without a diploma (parents' actions, which makes it difficult to see life in its true light).

Adult    Martin    not    can   provide   for    Ruth    the necessary material   position.   A   when Martin   hit   at   scandalous   history, internal   Parent Ruth and current parents beat her child.   H astupil rupture of relations.

For Martin it ended tragically. Former parent was destroyed   and   could   him   protect   as it defended Ruth   Parent,   although   and   deprived of happiness.   One of his creativity for Bambino was not enough. It   deprived of the usual   circle   communication has not acquired a new, collapsed   love.   H astupil sharp   communicative famine, though the people around   It was   a lot of.   Martin   failed to protect their child from depression.

Communication with your partner (transactional analysis)

Parallel transactions

Each of us live as if three people who often do not get along with each   other.   When   people are together, then sooner or later   they   They start to talk   friend   from   other. If A refers to the   B.,   the   he   sends   his communicative stimulus (Fig. 3).

Stimulus

                         ----   ---------> ----

| A |     Answer     | B |

L ----   <--------   L ----

Fig. 3.

B.   him   responding.   This communicative response. Stimulus   and   answer   can be called   transactions   which is a unit of   communication.   Therefore   , the last   can   be regarded as a series of transactions. Answer   B.   It becomes a stimulus for A.

When   two   man talk, they come together in   system relations. If the communication starts A. and B. it is responsible, further actions depend on A. Answer B. And now, my dear reader, we are with you   systemic relations. Your reactions are dependent on what I wrote, but   and my    further   actions   depends   from   your   reactions.   If   book    you enjoy, you will recommend it to others, write me your   wishes and   circulation gets going fast, it will encourage me to write new books.   If   what is written here, will not cause you interest,   the   and   my actions are very different.

goal   transactional   analysis is to   to figure out,   what   I-state   A.   sent a communicative stimulus and what I state,   B.   It gave the answer.   Most often the stimulus and the response comes from an adult. This honest simple transaction,   which usually occur in the productive   work.   Mason puts   masonry, and helper correctly estimated its speed, time   brings   bricks and mortar. The professor gave a lecture,   a   students write carefully.

·                What time is it now?

·                A quarter to eight.

By   lines   B-B   we   exchange information. this   transaction   can be called   parallel   (Fig.   4a). By the parallel   transactions   also includes P-P and D-D (Fig. 4b, c).

PP:

A .: The disciples did not want to do.

B .: Yes, before curiosity was higher.

A-D:

A .: And what if the last lecture to go to the movies?

B .: Yes, good idea.

Here   Conflict is not and never will be. In line BB we work,   by

lines   D-D love having fun along the line P-P gossip. These transactions take place   so that psychologically partners are equal to each   other.   it    transactions    psychological   equality   -   first    a type.    Analysis of parallel   transactions   allowed   Bern   formulate   primary   Act of communication:   till   transactions   parallel process   communication   will be   run smoothly for a long time.

         / --- \        / --- \    / --- \ ------> / --- \    / --- \        / --- \

         | P |        | P |    | P |        | P |    | P |        | P |

         \ --- /        \ --- /    \ --- / <------ \ --- /    \ --- /        \ --- /

         / --- \ ------> / --- \    / --- \        / --- \    / --- \        / --- \

         | B |        | B |    | B |        | B |    | B |        | B |

         \ --- / <------ \ --- /    \ --- /        \ --- /    \ --- /        \ --- /

         / --- \        / --- \    / --- \        / --- \    / --- \ ------> / --- \

         | A |        | A |    | A |        | A |    | A |        | A |

         \ --- /        \ --- /    \ --- /        \ --- /    \ --- / <------ \ --- /

                 a                    b                    at

                                   Fig. 4.

Second   type of parallel transactions - D-P and P-R - occurs in the care situation,   suppression   care (P-D) (Fig. 5a) or   helplessness   caprice, admiration   DR (Fig. 5b). This transaction psychological inequality.   AND   at   this case, as long as they match the vectors of conflict   will not be.   Sometimes these relationships can last long enough. Father takes care of his son,   Chief   tyrannized   subordinates.   Children   forced to   before   of a certain age   to endure the pressure of parents, slave - demolish   bullying boss. H for sure come a time when someone will bother   take care of, but someone have to patronize, someone did not survive the tyranny.

                   / --- \        / --- \     / --- \        / --- \  

                   | P | <---   | P |     | P |   ----> | P |  

                   \ --- / - |   \ --- /     \ --- /   | --- \ --- /  

                   / --- \   | |   / --- \     / --- \   | |   / --- \  

                   | B |   | |   | B |     | B |   | |   | B |  

                   \ --- /   | |   \ --- /     \ --- /   | |   \ --- /  

                   / --- \   | L - / --- \     / --- \ --- |   / --- \  

                   | A |   L ---> | A |     | D | <----   | A |  

                   \ --- /        \ --- /     \ --- /        \ --- /  

                           a                     b

Fig. 5.

Can   beforehand   calculate when the relationship   will end   rupture.   let's    We think about   when?   H etrudno   guess   what   retained    the relationship existing connections on the line B-B. It is understood that they run out and then   when   The relationship-has exhausted itself, ie, the gap will   then when   children   stop   depend financially on their parents,   a   slave receive   high   qualifications   to material   good.   here is   why   many workers   dismissed as soon as he defended the thesis,   will move   at   a new apartment, etc.

If   relations   and then saved, then surely   conflict develops,   struggle begins. How unbalanced the scales, he   Who   It was at the bottom,   will be   strive to go up and lower down   Togo,   Who   I was upstairs. In extreme expressions relations P-D - this slavish-tyrannical attitude. Let us consider them in more detail.

What thinks the slave? Of course, not about freedom! He thinks and dreams about how to   become a tyrant! Slavery and tyranny - is not so much the external relations as   state of mind. Each of the slave sits a tyrant, and   tyrant   -   slave.   Can   formally be a slave, but in the soul remain free. When the philosopher Diogenes   have taken   into slavery and put up for sale, the potential   the buyer asked him:

·                What can you do?

Diogenes replied:

·                Dominated people!

Then the herald asked:

·                Declare, if anyone does not want to buy a master?

Analyze   your   relations   at   family   or   on   work.   If   you are in the position of a slave, depreciation technique will make you feel    free   man   and   go out   of   slavish   depending on   from   their oppressor, even if he is your boss. If you are yourself   at   the position of the tyrant, establish equal relations requires special techniques.

AT   school   psychological   F. struggle led   strained   relations   with senior   the son of 12 years, who at that time was finishing sixth grade.   ABOUT   his success   at   learning   testified to this fact: on the one   page   at   it sometimes   happened   before   30 errors. Accusations and threats such as   "How   at   you   hands grow? "   "What   of   you   come? "," Who are you   will   I need? "   "Janitor become!"   "See how your parents learned!" Etc.   effect   already   not allowed.   H evozmozhno   would make it at least once   check   written.   parents   summoned to the school. After another "pump" at home   state   Affairs only worsened.

Analysis   situation   shows that the style of communication in the family   walking   by   type parallel    transactions    psychological    inequity    at     of slave-tyrannical   version. By the time of the treatment of his father in these relations CROSS   no longer   meet   both   side   outdated   themselves.   Correctly   It was   would   immediately translate these relations on the line B-B? Of course not! strategically   in this    case   make   So,   that   father   on   some   time   hit    in psychological   slavery, and his son would be more attentive   at   implementation of lessons, ie father should go "down" position on child, and raise her son   to position   Parent.   A   if the son will be on the stand   parent,   the   he   will do,   as   father.   After   how was   found   strategy,   I was born   and a tactic.

I   already   said that the more human beings is prohibited, the   more he   I want to do it. And if something is required of him, then this is the   he does not   I want to do. That's why my student son refused to check their work.   After all   him   forced to   do it!   So,   before   Total   not   should be forced,   threaten,   forbid! I would   this   did   mainly   motto   in the education   children. The fewer restrictions and compulsions, the better   relations.   Now listen to the story of F.

·                When   I   met with communication theory and technique depreciation,   I went to her son and said to him with a challenge - give back! I've been able to write without a single   Error!   I think that by doing so I was able to go down   on   Bambino position.   Besides, I was already familiar with the principle of projection:   "If   the man himself   makes mistakes, he is convinced that others will make mistakes. "   Therefore, he knew in advance how our conversation would go.

Son: H e can be.

I:   I can   bet. For each found my mistake, I will   to pay

you 10 cents.

Son: No cheating?

I: Have I you ever cheated?

In the presence of his wife and younger son duly boys of our yard

we   They argued. I rewrote the text, with its mistakes and gave him   check.

Never attempt H,   not   I saw that my son was working on the text with such enthusiasm!   H and the proposal to use the school spelling dictionary, he replied with a categorical   failure.   He took a large dictionary   on   102   thousands   words   and I checked every word. Errors were many. As soon as he found the error, immediately I uttered something like:

·                Dad, I wonder how you have given matriculation at all, and even   with a medal? Where did you get your hands grow? And what kind of writing? How do you keep still at work ?!

Held   it is important. H and his face was fastidiously-indulgent   expression.   Wife   He claimed   what   this   It was   my copy.   Fair   saying,   I   himself   I did not like. H on it was very instructive to see myself from the outside. AND   at once   We came to the heart of some of the provisions of the psychology of education rules: words do not educate;   children   become as their parents,   only   yet   worse; Children need to show how to live, not to tell.

I   lashed   on   study   psychology. Began   reprint   communication rules   and give them to him for review. Mistakes I did a lot, and his son   their   Everything is.   Along the way,   he studied the rules of communication. How are you   think   if   would   I made   him   this   do I have something   happened   to?   Gradually son behavior became better, and three months later the error was gone.   In class, he began talking about the knowledge acquired to their comrades. A year later he   already   It was   excellent student.   H Ashi   relations were adjusted   and   took   nature of the cooperation.   A son   He became frank with me.   Agree,   this   a great achievement.

H on   farther   we   closer even more. Once he   I asked   money   pocket   costs, I offered him to make them yourself, since   at   free family had no money. He agreed, but said he did not know where   To find a job. I used the services of a typist and suggested that work for him to do with   the same conditions of payment. With great difficulty within a month he earned 15   rubles, bought some toy that broke the next day.   I kept my wife from unnecessary notations. He was very upset, but do not cry,   a   with a deep sigh said:

·                H ADO same! What worked and bought some nonsense.

So   I   It was   delivered subsequently by moped, "firm", tape recorders.   H is,   something   he has, but within our material possibilities,   and scandals   not   It was.   Sport psychology and gave a significant   material effect.

So,   my   dear reader, you already became clear theoretical   the basis of the principle of   depreciation. H Necessity see what position   is   your partner   and   know,   at   what   your I-state   directed   communicative stimulus. Your answer should be parallel. Now once again return to the examples,   that   listed   at   Chapter 1.   "Psychological   stroking "   and compliments go through the DR, the proposal to cooperate on-line B-B, and the "psychological impact" - through the P-D.

H ilk   we   describe   some   signs which   you   can   to quickly diagnose a condition in which your partner.

Parent.   Pointing the finger, a figure reminiscent of the letter   F.   H and   person   - indulgence   or contempt, often - a wry smile.   Heavy   look down.   Is sitting,   leaning back. It is clear, he   He knows   some   a mystery that is not available to others. He loves truths and expressions: "I will   I will not tolerate, "" That was done immediately "," of H euzheli difficult to understand! "   "The horse is clear!"   "You are absolutely wrong," "I fundamentally this is not   agree "," What   idiot   invented it? "," You did not understand me "," Who   So   doing! "," How many   can   you   to talk about? "" You are required to ... "," How   you   not   shame on you! "," Helzya ... "," Hi way! ", etc.

Adult.   Sight   is directed to an object, as if the body   supplied   forward, eyes   more expanded or narrowed. H and the face - an expression of attention,   after which    can    see   curiosity   Child.   uses    expression

"Excuse me,   I do not understand, please explain again, "" I,   probably, it is not clear explained why I was refused, "" Let's see "," And what if we do so "," How do you plan to do the job? "etc.

Child.   And the posture and facial expression correspond to the internal state   - Joy,   mountain   fear,   anxiety, etc. Often   exclaims:   "Fantastic!" "Great!", "I want!", "Want of H e," "Hadoelo!", "Fed up!"   "Damn it   all propadom! "," Let the burning fire! "," No, you are simply delicious! "," I love you "," Hi would not agree! "," Why do I need this! "" When did it all end! "

Intersecting the transaction (the mechanisms of conflict)

Any   human,   even   most conflict, conflict   not   all   time.

Consequently,   depreciates, enter into dialogue,   which   wears   the nature of concurrent   transactions.   If   would   people   not   conducted   himself   although   would   sometimes correctly,   they would have perished. The conflict goes on intersecting   transactions (Fig. 6).

                             / --- \        / --- \  

                            | P |     --- | P |  

                            \ --- /     |   \ --- /  

                            / --- \     |   / --- \  

| B | ==== + => | B |  

                            \ --- /     |   \ --- /  

                            / --- \     |   / --- \  

| D | <----   | A |  

                            \ --- /        \ --- /  

Fig. 6.

The family (a classic example of Eric Berne):

Husband: Honey, if you are prompt, where my cufflinks? (B-B).

Wife:

1)             You're not a little, you'd better know where your cufflinks!

2)             Where did you leave them! (D-F).

AT   store:   Buyer: You do not tell me how much   costs   a kilogram of sausage? (B-B).

Seller: You have that eye is not ?! (D-F).

H and the production of:

A.:    H e   tell   whether   you   to me,   which   mark   become   here    should I use? (B-B).

B .: You will have time to know these basic things? (D-F).

Further discussion in the family can proceed as follows.

Husband:   If naev house was the order, I could find my own things!   (P -

D).

Wife:   If   would you give me a little help, I would be able to cope   with the economy! (D-F).

Husband:   H e is much we have large farm. Be agile.   If   would your mother did not indulge you as a child, you would have ruled. See also,   that I have no time? (D-F).

Wife:   If   would your mother taught you to help, not filed   you breakfast in bed, you would have found the time to help me! (D-F).

The subsequent course of events is clear: all will move to relatives   the seventh generation will remember all the wrongs that have caused each other. H e is possible that one of them rises the pressure and he will have to leave the field of battle!   And after the scandal they have to look for cufflink together. H e was better to do it at once? Let's consider the scheme of conflict (Fig. 7).

                            / --- \        / --- \  

·                > | P | == --- | P | <-

                         |   \ --- /   | |   \ --- /   |

                         |   / --- \   | |   / --- \   |

|   | B | - = + = + => | B |   |

                         |   \ --- /   | |   \ --- /   |

|   / --- \   L = + => / --- \   |

L - | D | <----   | D | ---

                             \ --- /        \ --- /  

Fig. 7.

First   course   husband   It was   along the line B-B. H O apparently   at   wives   very touchy   Child   Parent and powerful, and maybe it 'podzaveli "   at   elsewhere   (eg,   on   work). Therefore, the request   husband   she is   apprehended   the pressure on the child. Who usually intercedes for the child? Of course, a parent. That and her parents rushed to protect the child, pushed into the background by an adult.   the   the same   most took place and my husband. Wife Child pricked her husband. it   lead   to the fact that the energy of the last hit in the parent who is dead and reproaches   pricked   Child   wives"   that "recharge" his   Parent.   Clear,   scandal   will be   before   those   long as the energy is depleted   Bambino   one   partner. General psychological conflict goes to destruction. Or   someone leaves   field   fight,   or   develops the disease. Sometimes   one   of   partners have to   give way, but in practice it is of little use, since   as   inner peace    no.   Many   consider,   what   have   good    psychological training,   So   as   them   Can not   retain   outer   imperturbability   under internal tension. H on the path to disease!

A   Now   return   again   to   structure   psychological   conflict.   Look   the circuit again. It involves all aspects of the personality.   H and the outer   communications   six persons. It's a market!   Investigates   relations:

Parent   wives   grappled   a child of the husband. Child husband   finds   relations   a Parent   wives,   quiet   Adult voice of husband and wife   not   heard,   muffled cry   Parent   and   crying child. H about because only   Adult   makes   a business!   Scandal   the same   picks up   the   energy which   must   go   on   productive activities.   H Elzy   at the same time   and   row   and   work.   In   the conflict is the case. After cufflinks still have to look for.

I'm not against conflict. H about business conflicts need to go

by    lines   BB.   at   this   refined   position   polished   views   people

become closer to each other.

     A   what   the same   It happened   from   our heroes   at   shop?   If   Parent

buyer   weak,   His child cry   and   he   leave   of   shop   without

purchases,   complaining   on   a life.   H about when his parents   not   less   powerful,   than

Parent seller, the dialogue goes as follows:

     Buyer: She even asked me if I had eyes! H e   I know   will

whether   They now you! I know what you do all day here,   till   I

I stick! (D-F).

     Seller: Look at what the business turn up! Be at my place! (D-F).

     further   extension   conversation, you can imagine.   more   Total   at

conflict    intervenes   queue,   which   divided   on   two   Party.    one

supports   Seller,   other   - The buyer.   H on   most   the main thing   -   the price of the seller still call! H e better to do it at once?

H and the production is more complicated. A. If in the service depends on the BN, he   can   to remain silent, but negative emotions, especially if such   cases occur   often,   at   A.   will accumulate.   Discharge   conflict   It can occur when A. come from the influence of B. and B. allow   some inaccuracy.

AT   described   situations   Her husband, the buyer,   A.   see   himself   suffering party.   H about nevertheless get out of these positions they might   from   honor, if owned equipment depreciation. How then proceeded to dialogue?

In family:

Husband: Yes, I'm not small, I have long time to know where my cufflinks. H about here   You see what I slavishly. But you have me such a chore.   You know everything. I believe that you and I have to learn it, etc. (L-R).

In the shop:

Buyer:   In   I do not have eyes. Which   you   sensitive.   H o one does not notice it, but you have wonderful eyes, and now you tell me how much it costs   kilogram of sausages (DR). (I witnessed this scene.   All   all laughed. Sold at a loss price of the product named.)

H and the production of:

A.:   To me   really is time to know that. Once   you   we have the patience to repeat a thousand times the same thing! (L-R).

In   all   these   depreciation responses   Child   our   heroes   parents said offenders. H of the control actions Bambino adult.

I hope, my dear reader, that you already have in some cases started to get a depreciation, but still you sometimes pluck   on   old style   communication. H e rush to blame yourself. This stage are all   studying the psychological struggle. After all, many of you have lived with a desire   command,   and here,   by   at least on the surface, we must obey. H e is obtained   the same   just because there is no necessary psychological flexibility.

What is the psychological flexibility?

Look   yet   time   on   Fig. 2. The place where   Adult   connected   from

parent    and    child,   can   call   joints    soul.    at    good

psychological    flexibility   mutual relations   between   these    in parts    easily

change.   If   the same   absent   psychological   flexibility,   joints   fused soul    (Fig.   8).   Parent   and   Child   overshadow   field    activities designed   for adults. The adult then engaged   not   productive activity,   and performs whims Bambino. No money, but parents   required to treat, make a magnificent feast. The real danger is not, but the child requires additional   efforts to protect unnecessary. If all adult   time   busy with chores   Parent   (prejudices) or Bambino (fears,   illusion)   he   loses autonomy   and no longer understand what is happening   in   external   the world becomes a registrar events. I understand everything, but I could not   from   help it ... "

                                   / --- \

| P |

                                   \ --- /

|V|

                                    / --- \

| A |

                                   \ --- /

Fig. 8.

Therefore   way   the first task of the student of psychological   fight   - master   ability to   stay   in adult   position.   what   for   it   I need to do?   how   reestablish   joint mobility   soul?   how   Adults remain objective? Thomas Harris advises become sensitive to   signals Parent and child, who are working in automatic mode. Wait   when in doubt. It is useful in the Adult program questions: "Is it true," "Applicable   whether   this?",   "How   I took   this   the idea? "   When   at   you   bad mood,   ask   why   your parent   beats   your   Child.   H Necessity take   time   for   acceptance   serious   solutions.   His   Adult   We need to constantly train. During the storm, can not be taught navigation.

Yet   one   a task   -   to bring the adult position of his   partner   in communication.   more   all we have to do at work when   gettin   from the chief   categorical   disposal   perform   the task,   which    not   possible.   It usually goes on   lines   P-D.   First   course   - Depreciation,   a   then   given   business matter.   at   this   It stimulated the thinking of the communication partner, and it becomes in the adult position.

Hief H: Do it now! (D-F).

Slave: All right. (L-R). But as? (B-B).

H hief Sami realized! Why are you here? (D-F).

Slave:   If I had to think like you,   then   would   I   It was

chief, and you subordinate. (L-R).

Usually after two or three moves amortization (Head of Child without   affected) Parent power is depleted, as well as a new revenue no partner down to the position of adults.

During the conversation, you should always look into the eyes of the partner - is the position of the Adult, in extreme cases up, as if surrendering to the mercy,   -   The child's position.   H and   at   no   case   you can not look down. it   position   Parent striker.

Summary

AT   Each of us has a three-state I: Parent, Adult   and   Child.

The unit of communication is a transaction consisting of stimulus and response.

transactions   are   parallel to the vectors   stimulus   and   response are the same,    and    crossed,   when    vectors    intersect.    In parallel   communication is unlimited transactions   long   (first   Act of communication)   at   crossed it and stops   develops   conflict (the second law of communion).

AT   basis   principle   Depreciation is the ability   determine   the vector direction of the stimulus and the answer in a strictly opposite direction.

Business   Communication is on the line B-B. To launch partner   at   Adult position must be accepted first, and then ask a question.

3.              Part H AH AMORTIZATION

                                     

Depreciation in the service

FROM   my   point   view, "willed" the head,   those.   such,   that screams,    threatens   It requires   punishing,   revenge,   pursues,   -    stupid head.   At first,   he   himself   I do not think   for   is   on   Parent position,   Secondly,   encouraging   Child Slave,   he   blocking   the mind of artist and business dooms to failure.

Smart Head explains asks questions, listens to the opinions of others,   It supports the initiative of subordinates, usually   is   at   Adult position.   creates   the impression that he was not in command,   a   them   command.   Such   head   boldly   can take a vacation,   and   him   lack of   not affect   negative effect on the state of affairs.   H on   now   talk   of subordinates.

One   of   my students, a teacher of mathematics in high school   L.   (by the way, mathematics is usually easy to digest the principle of depreciation), clashed with   his   Head of the Department. On the advice of his friends   he   addressed   for advice   to me. Last conflict occurred in the following   soil.   Once   at   month   on   their department held a conference on   which   come mathematics   from other schools; It is going about 150 people.   H Al hero   I went   at   audience   five minutes before   beginning   conference.   Standing   in the passage,   he   peacefully talking with friends, with whom he had not seen   quite a long time. It was not entirely clean in the audience, but it is not for harvesting   I had nothing.

AT   this   moment came O. Head of the Department and to establish a dialogue between them.

O. (stress): Look-dirt!

L. (puzzled): H on it's not my job.

O. (with unconcealed irritation): You see, you do not care about

honor   team! You can get past the mud, and I here   not   I can!   I   one must delve into everything!

L. (head down, staring sullenly): What do I need to do?

A. (irritably): H e could, perhaps, organize cleaning? Would have removed themselves,

nothing would have happened to you!

LA then complained to his friend:

·                here is   old fool! What he attached to me? H e knows who   at   we responsible for cleaning ?!

let's   analyze   psychological   structure   it   dialogue   and find   a mistake   L. partner error is obvious, it does not have to   us   special significance. O indicated the presence of dirt in the audience (B-B). And LA became   talk about   functional responsibilities of employees. Whether they knew head of the department?   Of course,   I knew.   therefore   response vector direction   It was   by   lines   P-D.   Psychological   content   this   Answer:   "Old   fool!   H euzheli   You do not know that teachers do not take away the audience ?! "

Thus, communication has gone on the type of crossing transactions.   L.   pricked   Child A. It was cast in energy Parent position, followed by a shot from   at   Child   L.   The complaint LA friend, when he called the chief   old fool, psychological, hidden content become explicit.

This analysis was the basis for testing equipment depreciation.

When   a month later he was reappointed conference L. five   minutes

before   beginning took an initial position in the passage. The audience went O.   H and   Conversation flowed this time as follows:

O. (voltage): See-dirt!

L. (looking straight into the eyes OG): Yes, the dirt!

H and O. puzzled face. He was silent.

L.   (continued sympathetically): You see, nobody   affairs   before   honor

collective. All pass the mud! You have to go into all!

O. silent, but the confusion is replaced by bewilderment. One feels that he can not figure out what to say.

L.   (still has enthusiastically. He realized that the initiative in   it   in hand):   If   I arrived 20 minutes early, I would have arranged   cleaning.   In the worst case, I would have removed myself. H ichego would not happen to me!

ABOUT.   (slightly recovering, with increasing voltage): More   what   not enough!   I know who it is supposed to do! Ask to come to me   at   office after   lectures   Lyudmila   Prokofievna (laboratory assistant,   responsible   behind   cleaning audience. - ML)

comment    this    dialog    enough    just.    Here     easily viewed   receptions   depreciation close   and   preventive.   worthy   parse only the latest replica LV and response   it.   L.   at   it is true   used   phenomenon   identifying when   himself   offered   sweep the audience.   AT   communication   from   in   that L. and O.   owned   to   faculty   composition, then in the head, and can   be,   at   subconscious   at the head   the Department of   the idea that soon   and   him   have to   clean room. Therefore his reaction to LA was not unexpected.

Using    equipment   depreciation   allowed   L.   pretty    quickly establish   relations   from   authorities. I have to   now   then   support   friendly relations   from   them.   is he   already   defended   Ph.D.   thesis   close   completion   and   doctorate. Without a well-established relationship   make   this   It was   It would be impossible.   Meets   him   and   then   what   him   for   it   not   I had to grovel.

Yet    one   happening   close   and   preventive   depreciation told me P., my former patient of 25 years, a disabled group II on   craniocerebral    injury    which the    after   16    day    learning    methods of psychological warfare in the hospital not only got rid of ticks,   which has suffered for 15 years, but also gained communication skills, abruptly changed its nature and circumstances of life for the better. Listen to his story.

·                After   discharge from the hospital, my life went in a different way.   I   stopped to pull the hand, ie got rid of the compulsive movement, which is so accustomed to,   he considered it impossible to stop it ever. Then   at   I flashed   I thought if I got rid of it, apparently, I can   escape   other disturbing things to me. Anyway, worth a try, because   I already had a good experience, oprovergnuvshy my ideas about himself.

H and   I asked to work to clearly define the scope of my responsibilities given my state of health (preventive amortization -. ML). Before   he was   very   vague,   at   it could   enable   what   anything.   This caused   Various complaints addressed to me by the authorities.   Now   I showed   hardness,   He started a special blog where   I became   write down   a work plan    which the    beforehand    coordinated   from    leadership.    Now    to unreasonable demands, I could easily say, "Everything is going   by   plan,   I was accurate   and accurate. " And things went uphill. I'm pretty quickly wrote   article on   its subject, the relationship with the leadership improved, I have gained self-confidence.

Depreciation in public life in ernemsya to R. story

·                In addition, I established relationships with many people that used to be   at   expressed   confrontation. So,   I   boldly   I went   at   house,   Where   They hated me, and by applying the technique of delayed depreciation has changed the attitude of owners   to   to me.   Be in love   they   I, however,   not   become,   but   Have an opportunity   to continue the relationship with the people on the basis of mutual   respect   the opinions of others.

Another new feature of the character came to me after the training methods of psychological warfare - sociability. I used to be unsociable. Now   everything changed. I began to feel more at ease in a society more   Togo,   I became a disc jockey! It so impressed others and myself that I still have, as they say, I can not get over it. If so, I was offered six months   ago, I would have been horrified. How? H ahoditsya on stage under   spotlights, under   views   tens of   of people,   constantly   tell jokes,   think   on   witty turns of the course of the program, fill in the pause? Of course not!   A   Now   I combine   scientific work with the responsibilities of a disc jockey. After a   time my   disco   It ranked first among discos research institutes of the city, and I was offered a university-wide spend an evening.   He passed   successfully,   even   better,   than I expected.   I   got   invitation to   participation   in the theatrical production. I know   many   people.   previously   I   took place   by   Institute unnoticed,   the   now   barely   time to leave.   And all this in such a short time!   Indeed, there are miraculous transformations of people!

Depreciation in the private and family life and once again return to our hero.

·                AT   For a whole year I have experienced serious mental stress on   the   my complicated relationship with his girlfriend. All my attempts to establish   they broke on the stone wall of the female stubbornness. I quickly left the   himself began   angry,   but   Problems   this   not   solved.   (Community   going   by   psychological scheme   conflict. - ML). After training, I decided to   act differently.

Faced   My friend, I said that he decided to seriously   sort out   in our   relations   (a small mistake: it was necessary to wait   that   from   such a request   she asked. - ML). For me it was not an easy step, strained relations   so,   that I could expect anything   anything.   AND   here   at   several   Weeks girlfriend with great pleasure that poured on   my   slops head, and I answered:

·                H y   what   well, my dear, maybe you're right in their own way,   but   let's look at the matter more widely ...

(Y   many   not have the patience to bring depreciation   end;   and   they again   pass on conflict communication style; they resemble   players who   playing   gambitny option, where you have to sacrifice   several pieces, only one sacrifice, and then scared to continue. H on   then   and the first victim becomes meaningless! There was increased amortization   to end! - ML)

I   I wondered   himself   Me!   Before   I do not   suffered   would   and   minutes   such gratuitous insults, and then I tolerated, and most interestingly, the farther away, the easier it became to hear them (and get used to the cold water -. ML).   A   later   I   and I had stopped paying attention to them. I just smiled!   And insults    gradually   becoming   less   evil,   a    then    and    completely stopped.   H ultiple days lasted puzzled silence.   Then   It began the long-awaited serious conversation. And he brought his results!   spoke   we have a lot of   days   said quietly. When she raised her voice,   I   She fell silent,   and smiling,   and   her   tone   changed. Although in the end   we   parted,   it was peaceful and calm.

H eplohaya   Job,   although   or workshop, but   for   novice   psychological warfare techniques learned quite well! The question arises,   a   why they broke up? Mechanisms such an outcome will be discussed in more detail   other   series of books. A few examples of the depreciation in the family   life.   H and   reception   to   to me   I came   factory worker F. He complained   on   insomnia, mood   him   I was depressed. It is connected with the fact that   relations   with his wife    reached   before   extreme   degrees   conflict.   Both   It was   quick-tempered, scandals.   Once,   unable to bear the insults   wives,   he   beat   her.   It was called   the police, and F. was sentenced to 15 days. After this episode, the wife   I began to row   yet   stronger, and he has let himself this   not   could   So   he was afraid   conviction on even longer, especially since his wife more than once   threatened it   do.   Abusive it actually does not provoke the same.   Having trained depreciation,   F.   I understood   how to behave.   AND   one day,   when   wife sent   him...   (at   distant   road with the exact   addresses)   calmly he said he would go back with pleasure, if it will indicate how to drive traffic,   and give the money to travel. My wife was speechless. For the first time   years   She set the table and invited the AF to dinner. H ochyu he calmly went to sleep without medication.   awakened   It was an alarm clock. When he came to me to receive a second   time,   I danced for joy.

Often   conflicts   maturing between children and   adults   occur   due   the fact that children want more independence, while parents try to maintain a commanding position.

look here   story   T.,   35 years old, whose 13-year-old   daughter   out   of obedience. Brought up without her father's daughter, tried to daughter this   not felt   took care of her, etc. Daughter by this time began to refuse   from classes   at   music school, toilets require that   It was   them   not   I mean, like uncontrolled use of time, etc.

·                After   learning   the principle of depreciation when   erupted   another scandal   at   communication   from   unwillingness   go to music   school,   I   I decided to act in accordance with the acquired knowledge. I calmly invited the daughter of a conversation and told her about the following:

·                Lena, you're right, I understand that you're an adult. From today   I am giving   you complete freedom. The only request - when you're gone   a long time, say when you get back.

She is   I agreed   not knowing what was coming. I decided   use one   of   rules   Depreciation: «H E of the proposed their services.   helps   when did   their   case. "   On the same day she went to her friend   and   He returned late.

When   daughter   came back, I was already in bed. She asked   feed her,   a   I   offered   her to take the food itself. bread in   house   not   it turned out.   I recalled   on   that did not have time. The daughter began to reproach me,   on Thu   I   her   I do not like that I was a bad mother, etc. It was hard, but I agree with the   all its assertions. Then I began myself to say that her mother was not lucky.   AT   such   wrestling, where all the time I gave way, last month   seven.   AT   eventually   without   instructions daughter took the initiative,   herself   distributes duties. I was assigned the role of the cook:

·                Mom, you're the best cook.

She is   I cleaned the apartment, doing small purchases. Most laundry we did together, the little things she washed herself. Gradually daughter to mend relations with her friends in the class. She became calmer, more confident in themselves. In a year   found a   work   at   co-op, which made toys. I helped her   learn the process. So I decided the issue with her wardrobe. H and He began to earn it myself.   In the summer of next year, with the money we bought her a ticket   To camp. After returning, I noticed that my daughter sat down at the piano. She told me,    what   at   camp   befriended   from   Man   of   another    cities.   We agreed to correspond and to meet the next year, and   can   be used. So first love came to my daughter. I was pleased,   what   she shared   with me. If I had, I doubt I could have not changed   be   for the daughter of a friend. I completely ceased to command, I just obeyed.

Yet    more    serious   are   Conflicts   when   children    become adults, but parents continue to actively intervene in their lives.

Teenager   at   age   15 years, always rough   boy,   serious, active,   engaged   at   sport school and   supply   big   Hope suddenly   carried away   Girl 18 years. He became   late   return   home missing   training   worse   study   at   school.   Girl,   from   which   he met had a great sexual experience, which also frightened parents. the son   said,   that he loved her, that he was already an adult and knows   what   him   do.   beliefs,   scandals   the effect is not allowed. Mother constantly   I cried,   father   I was depressed:   him   must   It was soon to go into   swimming,   a   mother   I had put in the hospital. Depreciation father spent:

·                Son, I'm sorry that we interfere in your life. We somehow missed that   you   I have grown. You really know better and nobler life in us. And you can love better. Indeed, what does it matter that it   senior   and   already   It has a sexual experience? May be,   this   even   better.   By comparing you with others, your fiancee will be loyal to you.

H e   I will   describe the amazement of his son. Relationship finally   were adjusted days   across   three. The mother, too, has mastered the technique of depreciation and a week later   He was discharged from the hospital in good condition.

·                Conflicts in-law poisoned my life. I already can not look at her husband,   soon I will take all the love - with emotion and tears   on   eyes B. says - pretty woman of 36 years, came to school in a group. - We are married   12 years, daughter of II years, and in-law interferes in all my affairs, although we   We are living separately. For any misunderstanding she says, that her son could take a woman   and younger, and more beautiful, and economic and smarter ... It comes   to screams, tears, tantrums like mine, and with her hand.

TO   occupations   she is   started   from   enthusiasm.   Across   week   she is   He has told:

·                AT   Saturday   morning   all went into the garden, and we have to   mother in law   remained   on the farm. I like something wrong with her point of view, removed the bed, and she   once remarked,   that her son could have chosen a much better wife. I'm here   the same   from   it agreed    adding   what   he   could   would   take   his wife   not    only    more economic,   but   and prettier, smarter, younger, etc. spoke   quietly.   I have remembered,   she reproached me before, and transferred its   limitations   and dignity   husband.   Eyes   mother in law   widened   I felt   what   she lost   orientation.   H e said a word, she   included   TV   and   absently   the guise of   became   watch it. Soon   her   It was   shivering.   She threw   on   Plaid themselves. An hour and a half, citing   head   pain, lay down on the sofa.

Here    we    from   you   witness   highly   interesting   phenomenon,    which

illustrates the relationship of conflict, emotions with internal organs   and   her   role   at

preservation   health.   Mother-in-VA because of   which   I tell   several

below,    was    all   time   at   a position to   constant    emotional

voltage,    which   usually   accompanied   release   at   blood    excess

adrenaline and other substances. Normally, they are necessary for us, spent in

course of business. Sometimes they collect in large numbers, and

their    decomposition   required   specially   intensive   activity.    If    this

Activities not, in some pressure starts to rise from   other   hurts

stomach   and   etc.   here is   why   not scandal   So   unpleasant   as   this   can

appear.   In   the conflict, especially flowing   violently   is

energy   discharge that brings temporary relief.   H ome

even   fall asleep   at once   after the conflict, and then,   remembering   say,   what

relish quarreling.

     Any, even the most interesting work in the body that causes or   else

voltage.   "Overheating" of the body. The best "cooler"   is an

joy   love.   And if it does not exist? Then comes to the rescue   conflict.   So,

best    prevention    conflict-love.   Now    you    understandably,    why

conflicts   in-law of our heroine? That's right, she lived all   a life   without love,   compensating   her conflict, and when deprived of this   substitute,   she became ill.

When my students are coming out with the help of the depreciation of the conflict,   their

partners   often it getting worse. H eredko they themselves   celebrated   at

itself a state of depression, as suddenly they found that   them

getting   not interested   communicate with their   previous   partners.   H ichego

wrong with that. For a while, you (if you come to us)   support

group, and then have your loved ones positive changes begin,   and   they

again    gain   for   you   interest   yet   more,   So    as    you    themselves

contributed    so   change.   H on   if   it    not    occurs,    you

parted   painlessly   for   of both   sides.   For   you   will begin   new interesting   a life,   partner   to find another   conflict   time   they   he needed.   And if he wants you back, then turn to you   and   depreciation to learn a technique. Consider the situation of rupture of relations. I was invited to   consultation in the neurological department to M. - 46 years old woman. She is   I could not   walk and stand, though in bed legs made movement   at   full. It was a functional paralysis of the lower limbs associated   not   the death   nerve   cells   and their inhibition.   Such   paralysis   usually develops   After a spiritual experience, it is one   of   symptoms of neurosis   and   with proper treatment goes unnoticed. She is   the same   ill   about eight months. The treatment effect did not give.

Here is a brief history of it.

Eight months ago the husband unexpectedly announced to her that   at

it   there is   other   woman, and with her he will   divorce.   In   M.   here   the legs were paralyzed, she sobbed aloud, tearing her hair. Reproached him that   dedicated   him   its   a life,   He refused   from   Total,   He graduated   only technical, but it - working - brought to the chief engineer. children   at   them   It was not his fault, but that did not matter to her. They took on the education of his son.   However, the husband remained steadfast, has filed for divorce and divorced.   They continued to live in the same apartment, but as neighbors.

In   time   conversation she wept. It is soothing for long.   In addition, managed to   to find out that she worked as a secretary at a large administrator   and greatly contributed to the promotion of her husband. Intimacy for her   great   values do not have, but did not cause disgust.   Now   she wanted, no matter what, to her husband returned to the family.

AT   accordance   with the principle of depreciation I agreed   her   help   but I asked,   will be able   whether   she is   play a role   by   scenario,   which the   we   together we form. She agreed, and we started working.

before   all she needed to know that her break with   husband   He wore a natural character and came out of their relationship. You, dear reader, have   completely   clear,   that our heroine was a "psychological   mother "   for her husband. He received the "education" of her. And when he was promoted by   service,   all   psychological energy in   mostly   there   and   left,   and sexy   dissatisfaction is not particularly felt because   as   all   strength left   on   "climb". When he reached a certain   social   status, release the energy required application. Quite naturally,   he found a friend who satisfy this need.

H asa   heroine   It was   a very intelligent woman. She saw the light   literally   eyes.   Instantly   She stopped crying face took   thoughtful, sad expression.   A   Most importantly, she regained movement   at   feet.   She got   and   She began to walk around the ward. Lay it has become not need -n oyavilos business.   we   together   developed a scenario discussed details   her   behavior.   On Saturday   I   let her go to trial a vacation home and began to   look   wait for the results.

When we met, I realized that no trace of the disease.   M.   It was   cheerful,   cheerful, eyes glittering, she   barely   was maintained   laughing. Here is her story in brief.

·                When I entered "with all the parade" in an apartment, a little worried, as   I was not quite sure I can play a role. Honestly,   I was afraid that he would not act the way we planned,   and   at   I have nothing   not   out.   H on   when she saw him   surprised and confused   person calmed down. I began to speak, his eyes rounded and more   more, and   when   finished, there was nothing he could not answer me. I   same   not   waiting for   he   speak, she went to her room. That's about it,   what   she is   He said to him:

·                You did the right thing, that I gave up, I have grown old, became a bad hostess,   all   while you teach, and most importantly - was not able to give you   Togo,   that is to give a man a woman in an intimate relationship. I thank you for everything   good that you gave me. They say time heals all wounds. It's hard for me   till   at   believe it. H of this does not matter. I look forward to your happiness.

Want   pay attention to the psychological content of the ending.   The word "while" indicates that the door is not always open.

TO    which    results    depreciation?   Human   cleans    their    thorns.   Psychological   fight   learn to accept partner   together   all   his qualities,   like a rose, and taking a flower and thorns. H ADO to learn not to bump into   thorns   partner   a   only deal with   flower.   H Necessity   also remove their spines.

let's    return   to   husband   our   the heroine.   is he   communicates   with    his beloved. To good person gets used pretty quickly. Whether there is a   thorns   his   passion?   Of course have! And when he stumbles   on   them,   at   him   memory pops up a conversation with his wife, he left. Think of her monologue. After all   in him   You can read, and hope for improvement of sexual relations. is he   will again be   think   about her. H e can be, so he made no attempt to   return!   So I calmly wait for the next weekend.

passed   another output. They did not talk much, but it is clear   was that   he   It became softer. Then she told him to bring them to live in an apartment mistress.

·                Since we broke up, why do you suffer?

He looked at Mikhail with great interest and said:

·                H euzheli you think I'm such a beast?

A week later she was with an expression of mock horror said:

·                You know, he probably soon come back!

·                Why do you think so?

·                He began to go to the kitchen in his underpants, as it was before. Most offers to help.

·                H y and fine, - I said - as required!

·                H is enough, 22 years I have lived with this puppet, but no more!

Example   graphically   shows   that holding,   nothing   not   reach, hold,   you can return. Another rule: when   threw   then returned   he   often   It becomes unnecessary.   Than   this   explain that?   During   learning   receptions   psychological warfare   at   learner   going personal growth, and his partner there. It becomes uninteresting for   all his   Actions are calculated easily, seen their automatism. If the relationship   not completely   broken,   gradually there is a reorganization   partner.   When fully   violated   their relationship is recovered   rarely.   One more example.

Man   46 years old, a teacher of one of the Rostov technical   universities (called PA) came to see me in a very depressed state.   Three   of the month   ago   wife, returning from a trip to   friends   reported   that leaves him for another who divorces his wife, that for a long time   already belonged to the man with sympathy, even when he lived in Rostov.   A   here   as it came inspiration: they realized that they could not live   friend   without the other.

P.   heavy   I worried about the news, because it is very fond of   wife,   children   I did not think   life   without   them. He tried to persuade her. He asked not to   rush   make the final   solution offered to spend some time with   subject   his love,   make sure,   what   this   really true   decision,   and   already   then do the divorce process. The eldest daughter of 14 years, with tears in his eyes said that although it is very fond of, but also to live with his mother.   The youngest daughter of 6 years remained with the mother automatically.

The situation at the institute he was also not stable, as   him   failed   defend a thesis, although he was considered a talented   mathematician   and the beginning   him   scientific   and teaching career evolved   highly   successfully.   After working   after graduation, a teacher in   school   at   for five   years, he took on the chair of mathematics senior laboratory assistant,   a   then became a teacher, quickly mastered the pedagogical process, there has been a   scientific theme   operation.   It was regarded as a rising star,   and   outgoing   on retire   Head of the Department said openly that wanted to see P.   his successor.

AT   this time, P. carried away one third-year student, his future wife.   He was struck by the beauty of the girl and her admiration for him. They explained   in love   and   married. She has previously had sexual experience. H about love   To her   became even more after he learned that his future wife   I was a victim of   deception.   For   To avoid unwanted   talk   (her   adhered family   old traditions), he made his razor light   snip   on hand during the wedding night after a noisy wedding.

Later he started with the failure of his thesis. My wife was not very   a good housekeeper, and many ordinary women took care of it   on   yourself, the   more   after graduation wife soon became the head of production,   a   then Deputy Director of small business. It was   at   his friend,   is he   have worked   professor of philosophy in the same   university.   AND   when   he was asked    escape   on   party   work   he   I agreed.    becoming    close nomenklatura, he moved with his family in another city. That's something to it, and left the wife of our hero.

Analysis   the situation shows that there was a P. "psychological   father "for   his   spouses, and married life was his compensation   failures   at work. Break their relationship was a natural. I am aware of is his wife,   or not, it does not matter. H on it is clear that to marry him she came not for love, but hoped   on   him   career. H on its own style   behavior   at   family   interfered with her husband's career. Rupture occurred at a time when it became apparent   what   success husband   not   achieve.   Here come the "new to it   love".   skilled   on psychological   fight   it is clear that the nomenclature   employee   could achieve   success   and   thanks to the care of their   wives.   When   the same   he   reached the desired,   at   it   appeared   need   at   secular   life.    H etrudno suggest   that when these "psychological children" come together,   the   their   Union will be unstable, because each of them is used to "pull the blanket over himself."

P.   all   this   must   It was   to realize himself. Speak   him   about   this   It was premature. Moreover, the state of AP was quite heavy.   When he   began to speak, he could hardly contain the tears choking him. we   We decided to write   letter. Can you guess what was its content. Yes,   there   he scolded   himself   behind   their   dignity, and his wife praised for defects   He gave   s full   will, while leaving the door open. The letter he gave her   before her trip to her mother. He himself refused to go:

·                I have to withdraw from you.

Wife returned ahead of schedule. It was at a loss. H and all   her questions, he calmly gave depreciation answers. Gradually, it became   clear character   their relations in marriage, the whole situation is cleared up. Wife   It is becoming   more   irritated. This irritation was poured on   children.   She is   I began to negotiate   P.   in the eyes of the eldest daughter, she has ceased to care   about   younger.   Across   three days older daughter said it will remain with the Pope. The youngest cried and said he did not want someone else's uncle.

P.,   that   distract,   I became,   Besides   Togo,   do   physical exercise.   health   it gradually improved. The wife continued to make trouble,   but he   remained   more   or less calm. when   children   switched   on   his direction   and   he   He stated that the court will insist   on   Tom,   that   children remained with him, she told him that the youngest daughter, not from him, but from whom   she is   He is now going to marry. He suffered it and said   her   about the following:

·                Can   It is, she is not my daughter, I called on her and raised blood   I love.

Besides   Togo,   I do not understand why you want to look in my eyes   worse,   than there   actually. I know that without love you would not have entered anyone   in intimate relationships and even more could not be immediately with two.

When   wife tried to resume sexual relations, said P.,   what he   human   proud,   continues to love her, but because of the mercy   him   sexual intimacy is not necessary. He will be able to go for it in the event that he will take her love for what he believes enough, or if it will come back to love   it at   what   he   expects,   for   still considers   all   happening   from   their obsession, which can be explained only by the turmoil in her work and his careless attitude toward it.

condition   P.   continued   improve. once   he   awoke   cheerful, fresh:

·                I   all of a sudden   I saw the green leaves and blue sky.   He felt the need to return to scientific work. My God, what and who   I   killed life!

AT   further   it was still a lot of things: divorce,   hysterical wife   and   m. p. of H on in all situations, even unpleasant, he behaved decently, I was guided in what is happening. And everywhere he helped amortization.

Summary

Depreciation   applicable   at   public   life   pas   production,    family relations and in terms of their decay. It is necessary to:

1.Prinimat the whole person, taking care not to stumble on its spines.

2.Dovodit depreciation up to the end, to be able to wait for the result.

3. H as the initial stages of learning to write "letters to the depreciation."

4.Prezhde than to sever relations, to establish them.

4.              COMA H Dov OR PODCHIHYATSYA? (Special H About EXECUTIVE)

Expensive   Gentlemen!   I suspect that with this   head   you   and   started reading   book. It's not bad! Because it is best remembered   last thing.   H on   if   you   read   all   in order, too, well,   because   what   and   first memorized   the best thing. Incidentally, it should be taken into account,   at   drafting speeches,   reports and speeches and the most important provisions in place   beginning or   at   end. H about if you want to remember all of your speech,   should possess   Focus emotion simulation method,   about   than   at   we will    speech    at    next   book.   She is   So   and   will be    be called    - "Targeted simulation of emotions (psychological diet)."

Lord     leaders     entrepreneurs     bankers,     managers, administrators, politicians and public figures, that is,   all   those,   who are the first persons in the collective!

Remember that you are in it primarily a psychologist, even if   hold in   state   psychologist   and   psychological service, for   exactly   you   are building a psychological climate. From your business skills depends whether   successes and   from   your his   psychological skills depends on how these successes   easily-achieved   or   with great emotional stress. If you still   obtained easily,   you can stop reading. If you come home and you forget   its production,    if   at   you   no   insomnia,   internal   emotional stress, if you are never covered in impotent rage and   fury   not compressed fists, then you can also postpone the book. If you have never rises   pressure, heart does not hurt, it does not torment ulcer   stomach   and   if   you internally   worry   before   serious   business   conversation   or    public performance,   what for   for nothing   to spend time on   reading?   Better   walk   in the fresh air or enjoy some fun experience!

H on   if,   communicating   from   wife (or my wife), you   think   about   receipt

loan    a   during   view   soundtrack   remember,    what    not    all

He explained to his assistant, who goes on a business trip, and rush

to   phone   if   in the sauna you think about one of your   substituents   on

whom   must not   rely on, because he messes, and during   dance   -   about

Lawyers who instead of helping you, puts a spoke in the   wheel

a   you can not get rid of him, because he knows all the law, if at the meeting

you   tell   interesting   things,   and you do not listen,   if   you   want to   become

President   or   to receive the Nobel Prize, then try   honor   yet

Little.    It was    this    at    1983    city   One   of    leaders    Institute

improvements   specialists   higher   link    addressed    to    us    behind

advice.   Students,   who came   on   two-x-   three-month    training,

allowed   currently abuse alcohol, violated discipline   hostel, passed   classes. Then they asked for forgiveness, gave the word,   what   more it   not   again. Their forgave, but drinking like a snowball   It is growing, disorganizing the pedagogical process. Two people even had to submit to a psychiatric   hospital   for the relief of drinking bouts,   and   before   five   percent of students expelled for drunkenness.

After consultation with me cycles leaders in the introductory interview said something like this: "Dear colleagues! You are adults and nurture you, we are not going to! We have a number of rules that must be observed. One of them   It is as follows. If we become aware (the word "known"   are required)   about   drunkenness cadet, he will   expelled.   rule   at   we observed like in chess: "Took - go."

At first they did not believe. We had two expelled. Expulsion held as follows   manner.   cadets   They said:   "I   you   I sympathize,   to me    very unfortunate that it happened. Evil me you do not. arrive at the   next time.    H and   production   we   report   not   re going.   the cause   invent deductions   themselves. " Binge drinking has stopped. In any case, manual   I did not know about it.

Analysis of the growth of the episode. Previously, teachers with students behaved in style   P-D.   Naturally,   povospityvat   their charges,   they   their   We forgive.   After consultation   communication   It followed the line B-B. Students even   not   thought   Apologize. They usually say, "Yes, we understand you."

Yet   one   example.   In January 1989 . to the Neurosurgery Clinic   admitted patient   P.,   32 years, director of the farm. Suspect that   it   brain tumor   brain. After the examination, which revealed   what   tumor   No, the patient was transferred to the clinic neuroses.

A   Now   look here   its history. Sick   successfully   studied,   graduated from agricultural college I became fairly quickly move on   service.   In 27   years   he   already   It was   chief agronomist large   grain farm   Rostov Region.   "It   It was   Golden time. I have   It was   his   lot   work   and the rest does not concern me, although I was the deputy position   director of the farm. "   When his boss in 1986 . was promoted, his   succeeded   P.,   which, as they say, abruptly he got down to business. is he   He launched the construction,   Not only housing and manufacturing, but also   social.   In short   time   It was   built a dispensary, club, livestock   farm yields increased. H about unfortunately, he was not at all familiar with the   depreciation principle.   AND   behind   During his time to direktorstvovaniya   quarrel   with higher   the boss, the editor of the local newspaper,   head   club   and the chief physician outpatient clinics. H is, the best way is the relationship it has with the deputy and ordinary workers of the farm. AP became irritated not only at work but also at home.

AT 1987 . he drew attention to some heaviness in the legs, but to doctors

not    He addressed.    TO   top   1988   city   already   ached   a heart.    H arastala

irritability, sleep worsened. The sleepless nights led mental   conversations

with   his   offenders   "From above" and negligent subordinates.   AT   the farm   by

complaints   often   work conflicts Commission itself P.   He pleaded   from   district

newspaper for libel against him.

     ill   P.   9   November   1988 ., When after   the next   busy

meetings   appeared   severe pain in the heart.   Because the   from   local

doctor   He had conflicting relations, he appealed for help in   the district

hospital,   Where   suspected myocardial infarction. A few   days   when

pain   at   heart somewhat subsided, for further treatment was   translated   at

Regional Clinical Hospital. Pain in the heart did not stop almost   month,

although   infarction was not detected. In mid-December they had passed, but the beginning

strong   headache, almost due headaches P. could not sleep.   FROM

suspected   on   tumor   head   of the brain   sick   entered    at    clinic

Neurosurgery, and then to us.

Two weeks have gone only to convince P. that reason   his illness in lifestyle and the style of leadership. It is hard to prove to me that   with "the   people   all   this   used is useless. " H on   the   not   less   I attend a training   group.   Gradually   scepsis   left,   and   he   I became   intensively learn techniques of psychological aikido.

allow   himself   small   deviation from   Topics.   Lord   leaders consider,   that you are smarter and more informed of their subordinates.   I   I noticed that   Many leaders, like our hero, angry that the staff did not immediately understand them. Now it is clear to you, do not be mad at them, it is necessary to help them   understand.   Remember   history of great discoveries. In his   approval   they go through three stages: the first - "this can not be, because there can never be"   second - "this is something there," and the third - "only   So   and   it should be! "So, if you really come up with something completely new, it    must   meet   fierce   resistance   from above   and   tacit rejection below. If your idea all enthusiastically accepted means   at   There is nothing fundamentally new. That is why our hero for two weeks did not agree to move to a new style of communication, which is why, when I come to you,   the   nine   first of ten do not give consent for the organization   section psychological   Aikido in his team. And if   to me   Can not   someone to talk   although   to six months, I think it's a great success.   A   refusal to accept easy, because they are natural.

H on   return   to P. When it is imbued with the idea of psychological   aikido   and seized   some techniques for Saturday and Sunday   he   It was   released   in trial   holiday   for   "Field tests." AT   Monday   I   I listened to   his enthusiastic report.

"AT   Saturday, I gathered all the meeting, noted that the positive,   what happened   done   and   thanked the performers. Then I asked   forgiven Ia   at about-stand of his deputies because he did not fulfill a number of relatively simple work: "If I were you all this should be explained to both, - I said to him calmly and   very quiet - you would certainly have done everything. " And I once again told to   than   the essence of the order. H ADO to see him at this time! is he   blanched, then   covered with spots, and for some time he could not utter a word. Then, stammering,   I explained   highly intelligible cause   failure.   H on   The most interesting   and   unexpected   for me was   then   what   other   participants   become   repent   at   their sins. meeting   the past   surprisingly quickly    and   productively   without   conventional   hassle.   I   got    deep satisfaction. Slaves were also satisfied. Earlier, after meeting them   went   and   quarreling with each other, but now every once   He engaged in the business. "

H etrudno   noted   what   here   It was used   reception   Preventive depreciation. If P. began accusing his deputy, the   the   would   I began to make excuses. Here PA and agreed in advance with his arguments.

AND   here's a pretty good example of preventive depreciation.   with   I consulted the commander of the building, which served as my son. The commander of the strong-willed plan, shouted, threatened the offender when emergencies put on trial. He begged forgiveness and promised that   more   will not be.   After   two sessions psychological aikido commander, after having spent   investigation,   caused   the next   infringer,   seated   him,   I gave a cigarette,   questioned   at   him how things are going,   a   then   calm,   low voice   She said:   "I   you really appreciate. You're a good guy,   but   you   He committed an illegal act, and I have to refer the case to the prosecutor.   Hopefully, everything will be. I will be sorry if you will condemn. " Soldier nothing   He said   and   dejectedly left the office. H ultiple days   offenses   did not have.   Commander actions were unexpected for the soldiers. All   commander discussed the behavior and wondered what all of this is now expected.

Equipment   depreciation   is   and   at   basis   regulations,   Carnegie formulated:   "The idea is to belong to the partner." Many observe it,   when it   is   about   officer or of the person on whom they depend.   H on   it acts more effectively when dealing with subordinates. The problem is formulated   generally   form, and partners are invited to solve it. All offers reasonably rejected   before   those   long   till   he did not express   your   opinion.   At first   I have practiced this technique on his son. It looked like a dialogue, when one day   I decided to play with him at checkers.

I am Boris, we have free time. What to do?

Son: And what if the drive in football?

I am a good idea, but you know something my legs ache a bit.

Son: What if a game of chess?

Me: Yes, the head of some stale after work.

Son: How about a domino?

I am Boris, well, we're intelligent people!

Son: H y, I do not know that we still have!

I: H at, think about it.

Son: And let's play checkers.

I am a brilliant idea! What you're done!

H about if I offered this son could refuse.

Soon   to me   It failed to apply this method in practice.   AT   those   time

syringes   sterilized   at   sterilizers and not   at   flame   cabinets,   and   Now sanitary epidemic station   filed   a number of claims to a method   sterilization.   I thought about everything   I   I decided to switch to the method of S. H I'm it did not offer, and, outlined the essence   problems, asked staff council. The meeting was held as follows.

M .: Let's handle method A.

I:   This is a very good way, but the fact is that as ingredient   withdrawn   from

production    as   outdated.   It's a pity,   good   a drug,    early    at    We disclaim approved drugs. And if something goes wrong,   we do not understand.

K .: What if you try in a way?

I:   process   In?   Better than you can imagine! H of the matter is that   import

ingredient supply discontinued.

G .: Perhaps a way to fit C?

I:   (after   some hesitation): Yes, I think this is   then   what   at

present   moment   fit   most!   thank   all   behind   participation   in the discussion.

Please   Attention.   I   nobody scolded,   a   He praised   all.   Here   was used   reception   identification   which the   usually   unites   team.   participants    meeting,   even   badly   related   to   G.,   thought    about the following:   «H y, so if this fool could think of, I   at   following   just come up with something even more valuable! "This method of stimulating productive activity. And further. If anyone had suggested a way to D, which is better than C, and   to which I had not, I would have quietly accepted. H about after I had already expressed my opinion, give it to me it would be difficult.

Many    leaders   used   the   reception   wrong,   setting up a team   against   themselves. "Why are you late today?" -   threateningly   at   asks all   Head of the subordinate. H as a stupid question should be   silly answer: "Transport poorly attended" A whole team is thinking about the following:

"Well it on a personal machine, and would have thought, what is us!" And all   sit with   scowl. I do not blame you for personal car, I know that   it you   needed.   I'm for you. You have the most harmful production,   expensive   my heads!   I   just   I show what   thoughts   and   feelings   occur   his subordinates    at    your    psychologically    unreasonable    actions    and statements. Maybe you can help the following rule: "Praise   It should be for all, and curse - one on one. "

A   Now   I   I want to offer you a small task. You make room section chief (head. Department head. Laboratory, etc.) and you want to make this place took H. What are your actions?

TO   Unfortunately, until now the majority of managers are hired to   responsible positions of employees, without resorting to   psychologists.   at   this   are taken   in   attention to rumors, advice,   first   the impression is sometimes    -    business   quality   and   all   not   counted   him   personality traits.

So it was with a large head, who took on the job very qualified lawyer, with which he could within the law to enter into   favorable   for   Company   contracts.   H on   lawyer   It was    rather conflict   personality. For a while, everything went well, but   then   relationship soured,   and   legal action began to slow down the work   institutions.   The struggle between the leader and lawyer, for that pleasure as the battle   bulls,   I watched the whole team. Head was   fully   knocked out   out of a rut,   sometimes I held back, switched to cry voltage   subsided   and at home, At this point he turned to me for advice.

A   Now listen, he acted according to our   plan.   is he   invited   yet   one lawyer and his partner   by   conflict   I said something like: "Dear II, the amount of work we have grown, and I   I took another   a lawyer who will deal with the most light and   mostly current   business, sophisticated I'll pass you. You will be engaged   and legal support of our long-term plans "(a kind of   "pass   to the side").   H Al   "Konfliktant" actually remained out of work   and   soon   He became the object   ridicule of the whole team. Head also praised him only:

"For us the most important thing - your thought. If you have only one valuable idea   will express the year, and even then we will not be for nothing. We can already afford to keep   at   collective creative person, "etc., etc. All offers "konfliktanta"     accepted,    but    execution    their    postponed     indefinitely   time,   and to discuss   brought   and   other   team members.   Across   two   from   half months they were   submitted   statement   the dismissal.

Want   tell   you   yet   how one   teacher   fought   late   using   technique   preventive   depreciation.   When   he became acquainted with the group, then on the first lecture made the following statement:   "I understand   your   difficulties   I know a poor job of transport.   therefore   on   my lectures   be late   can. I kindly request:   at   lateness   do not wait   break,   enter   in the audience quietly,   not   stealthily   that   not to attract attention, and take the empty seat. H e did not apologize and   excuses.   Time   you   too late, then,   at   you   It was   a respectful reason. Why waste time on unnecessary explanations? "

     must be    Mark,    what   this   teacher   lectures    read    highly

fascinatingly,    already    from    the first   seconds   entirely   capturing    listeners.

opazdat,   to quickly enter the state of affairs, asked the   neighbors   about   what is   speech. They are angry whisper, so that it could be heard all   They advised him not to be late. Do you recognize the reception of identification, which unites the team here   against violators. H e must be no slogans, better   call   the partners in communication of great interest to him and his cause!

AND    latest   subject,   which   I   I wanted   would   touch    -    public speaking. I had to consult in the last election campaign, ten   candidates   for deputies. They were clever and sensible   people   everyone has   at   them   It was   good programs, all of them   knew   his   a business.   H on   they are psychologically     illiterate    built    their     speech,     reaching     exactly the opposite effect.

H e   I will detail the techniques of oratory. I guess devote   this   Related   a separate book. Here, in terms of   psychological aikido just want to list the main points.

H e   scold   its rival. "If you vote   behind   H.,   the   You can not go wrong.   is he   smog   to achieve   for   himself   five-room   apartment.    After becoming deputy and received power, it will do the same for you. "

himself   scold   for dignity. "I outlined the ten action points, but   in two cases, I, unfortunately, was unable to bring the case to its logical conclusion. "

H e repeat the mistake of one of my clients. H e interrupt the questioner!   Let him speak until the end. H e is important that you, yes   and   the other participants, it has long been understood. It is important that it is understood that you have it   We understood.   Usually   meetings and meetings of the questions asked by people, or very   clever   or very   stupid. The first asked few questions, and these questions are short.   Second ask many questions, and those questions long. That's something they need to hear and   with great patience. H and your party will be the one who asked the question, and   who   I listened. The one who asked the question will be grateful   what   you   be heard   before   end.   Those who listened to your answer,   will   be surprised   your patience.

Keep in mind that most of your audience - women and the success and victory   will of those they will take sides. Therefore, you need to demonstrate a good awareness of women's issues.

Instead resume

But the solution of the problem.

You: We make room shop superintendent. What are the proposals?

A .: I think that would suit M.

You:   Yes,   this   very energetic worker, but he   no   enough

experience.

B .: And that, if you assign D.?

You: He knows the production, but did not know how to get along with people.

Q .: I would suggest O.

You: He is a good singer, but we need a creative worker.

D .: And what about H.?

You (after some hesitation): Yes, it's an interesting idea (Pause 20-30

seconds). Yes Yes. This is a suitable candidate, Thank you for the discussion.

If   withdraw   present at "their" candidacy fails,   it can be   ask   question:   "And how do you see in H.   quality   candidate   for the position?"

Surprise

In addition there is depreciation superamortizatsiya. Principle: Stress   himself the quality that you attributed to the communication partner.

In the bus:

Female   (man,   Skip to content   her   forward   at   bus   but   giving her a little): I bear!

Man (with a smile): H ADO even a goat named.

A .: You are a fool!

B .: H e only a fool, but a bastard! So beware!

at   "psychologically   stroking "and inviting   cooperate   this

reception   better   do not use. Usually superamortizatsiya stops   conflict immediately. I wish you well! Until we meet again in the pages of new books!

From the collection of Alexey Kelmakova

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