Psychological aikido
Psychological aikido
Litvak Mikhail Yefimovich
Table of contents
From the author
foreword
1. General principles of psychological warfare, easy to understand and apply depreciation 2.Teoriya a bit boring, but necessary 3.Chastnaya amortization 4.Komandovat or obey (especially for managers)
Surprise
From the author
Students and the sick, teach me psychological aikido, I dedicate this book.
M. Litvak
Happy! H e purchase this book. You and so good fighters Aikido. H e costs it do and the owners' second happiness "- impudence. It is written for patients neuroses and psychosomatic diseases (hypertension disease, ulcerous disease stomach heart attack infarction, gastritis, colitis, dermatitis, bronchial asthma and others.) who suffer them because of the inability to communicate.
8 her there is recommendations on how to tame excessively strong-willed authorities as to find contact with children, mother-in-law, or how to win at business dispute, not wasted while his psychic energy. So I think, she will be helpful delicate clever people suffering from Ambient rudeness, not yet ill. It will find useful tips executives, managers and those, who want them to become. Book will be able help establish family relationships, raise children, to achieve success in your chosen business. H adeyus that it will acquire and psychotherapists.
is reducible here technique analogues It has, although I I use position transactional analysis Gestalt therapy Behavioural and cognitive therapy approaches Dale Carnegie and others. H on forefather it can be consider the brave soldier Schweik. is he not posted on abuse offenders, and agreed with them. "Svejk, you idiot!" - He said. Is he, I did not argue, a immediately I agreed: "Yes, I'm an idiot!" - and triumphed, as in combating aikido not touching the enemy. Can be, and should call this kind of fight, "the psychological shveykido" as proposed one of my students?
foreword
H and one of the public lectures devoted to the problem of communication, I asked my students: "Who among you loves power?» H and one of 450 human I did not answer affirmative. When I asked to raise arms those, Who wants to be hypnotist, Guess how many people have raised arms? That's right, just about everything. What conclusions can be drawn?
1. H o one is not recognized himself that he loves power.
2. H ICTE not He admits to himself that he wants to be obeyed (the power of the hypnotist over the hypnotized seems limitless).
I personally not I see Nothing wrong with that you wish to manage others the more that people usually acting out of good intentions.
but the desire to command, be aware or unconscious, rests at
similar claims partner by communication. There conflict,
collision at which no winners. Annoyance, irritation, anger,
depression, headaches, pain in the heart, etc. stay as in addition, Who I took top, and in addition, they had to obey. There is insomnia, in during which experienced a conflict situation, for a while it is difficult to do with current affairs. Some blood pressure rises. H ome, that muffle annoyance, consume alcohol or drugs, rip evil at next time on member his families or subordinates. Many torture themselves with remorse. give yourself word be restrained, circumspectly, but ... passes some time, and it all starts over again. H is not over! Each subsequent conflict there is less occasion for all, it proceeds more rapidly, and the consequences are becoming harder and longer!
H ICTE not wants conflict. When conflicts becoming frequent, people struggling to find a way out.
some begin restrict communication. At first moment as allegedly It would help. H is a temporary solution. The need for communication needs akin water. A person who is in complete isolation conditions through five six days developed psychosis, during which appear hearing and visual hallucinations. With hallucinatory images begins communication, which, of course, can not be productive and lead to loss of life. H aukoy It found what precisely because of this die before deadline people left lonely. Often, the need for communication beret his, and then people comes into contact with anyone, but would not be alone. Many developing isolation, shyness. No longer do you choose, and you choose.
Second (at mostly this strong personality occupy command positions) demand unquestioning obedience as the at family, So and at work. Then they gradually cease to capture the growing discontent of those Who It depends on them. When the exhausted opportunities suppression, they sometimes pain, sometimes noticed with surprise that all of them left, and they believe that they had been betrayed.
Third, not trying to establish communication, change own partners, divorce, dismissed from their jobs, move to another city, even country. H on from himself from his inability to communicate can not be avoided. H and the new place it all starts over again.
Fourth fully go into work, often choosing the one that It does not require contact with other people. H about and this is also a temporary solution.
Fifth ... H on, let me finish the enumeration of surrogate methods, replacing the luxury of human communication. There are a lot of them. What unites them is that all they eventually lead to disease or antisocial behaviors. At the hospital or jail communication is always there, but unlikely whether someone they can meet.
AT For years I tried to medicate and hypnosis neuroses that always occurred after conflicts. Patients on a short time interval getting easier, but next conflict, even less severity, cited to yet heavier state. AND this It is understandable. After all or drugs or hypnosis, or bioenergy methods, no acupuncture not could teach the behavior in conflict situation. Then, in parallel from appointment drugs I I became learn patients proper behavior at conflict situation, to win the dispute, manage partner so that he did not notice it, to get along with yourself, start communication and to continue it productively without quarrels and conflicts, properly configure, and then defend their interests.
first the same experiences a new approach for the treatment of patients given dramatic results.
Young human 25 years for three days recovered from tics, which suffered 15 years. Female from functional palsy lower limbs I began to go after a few hours. Sick, directed treatment from suspected of having a brain tumor, get rid from headaches behind two weeks. To the mother who left returned at home due to family conflicts 15-year-old a son. Male 46 years managed go out of depression keep feeling its own dignity and two children in the divorce proceedings, which began on the initiative of his wife, decided to escape to another. In many We build relationships at work and at family. Gone was the need to command. The peculiar style of subordination partner It led to the desired results. This list could be continued.
Gradually He elaborated look at communication as the type of psychological warfare, and it reminded me of techniques martial arts, based protection principles are, care, defense. I call this method of "psychological aikido." At the same time he formulated the principle of depreciation.
Modern the science indicates what roots neurosis leave at early
childhood, when formed neurotic system of relations, neurotic
character. it It leads to the fact that all the time a person lives at a position to
expressed emotional stress, often unconscious, and It is becoming
vulnerable at difficult conflict situations. H achinaetsya neurosis,
psychosomatic disease (bronchial asthma, gastritis, ulcerous
disease stomach hypertension, colitis, dermatitis and et al.). Able stress emotional voltage violated immunity. H evroticheskie subjects often suffer from infectious diseases, they often occur malignant tumor from them more occur accidents. Therefore way, saying, "All diseases of the nerves" gets Now scientific justification.
H on what for the same wait when a person gets sick or from it something happens, he or someone will bring misfortune? H e better to start work to Togo, as he ill? Since the club was founded psychoprophylactic and psycho oriented, which we called CROSS (Club decided to master stressful situations). Here we are inviting people who have psychological Problems in the family and in the workplace. Instead of to prescribe medication, we help them to establish communication.
H and lecture sessions and at Group psychological training
practiced known and produced new receptions and regulations
psychological struggle. More than 85% of students say what at result of acquisition skills psychological aikido them at that or other extent succeeded establish relationships within the family and at work. H ome have been promoted. Many began to set higher goals.
If first sessions were limited to questions of conflict and rules
out of it, then the audience interested in the following issues fate
and receptions re from a view to correction personality scenario. AT
further my Attention attracted provisions social psychology.
Actual became need take oratory art. There was interest in the problem of sexual relations and sex education.
Lectures and training sessions have proved insufficient. listeners and train arose necessity yet time return to passed material, think about it again, to refresh your memory. First, for this purpose the well-known to our readers Dale Carnegie books, psychotherapists V. Levy, A. Dobrovich, Eric Berne, and many others. Good books! They have a lot of rules and practical advice. They say they need to do, but there is not always easy to find, as do. occasionally audience not could use these recommendations So as found it difficult choose for himself the or other according from specific situation. In addition, I had have developed their own approaches. Thus was born the idea of writing a manual on psychological warfare. Its main contents - amortization of equipment designed me on Based on communication laws. A number of books will be released in the future, at which I'm single and deepening this topic.
1. GENERAL IN H ples psychological warfare,
EASY TO IN H IMAHIYA And PRIMEHEHIYA
I invite you to get acquainted with the principle of depreciation. Eastern sages
They said: "Know - so be able to. " If you want to discover principle
depreciation, one reading this books enough. H Necessity
try apply him himself. Sometimes at once not obtained. H ichego terrible! After Think of the conflict, as it should be do. You can send letter to his abuser. How to make them, you learn of this book. Watch out for other conflicts, try to understand their mechanism and chart a way out of them. It is better to learn from the mistakes of others. Thus, in way. "Road by walking."
The objectivity of the laws of psychology
When the rain, we are sitting at home or take an umbrella, but not We criticize the sky and clouds. We know that the laws by which rain is not depends from us, and just try to the best of opportunities to adapt to them.
H on here there conflict in family, on work on street or in transport, and instead charming magical sounds harmonic communication, intimacy, love hear a creak overworked hearts and crackling of broken lives. It always seems that if it were not evil will our communication partner, the the conflict would not exist. And what our partner thinks? About the same. We are trying to mentally impose partner or that style of behavior. winning it ajar to the wall and at the time of calm, so it seems to us, what we have gained some experience in this conflict. And what does our partner? Also thing. AND often we no suspect what laws communication So as objective as the laws of nature and society.
T With smart amye
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| The most stupid
Fig. 1.
An example of the following may serve as a psychological experiment of Dembo test. Here the vertical scale (Fig. 1). H and its north pole The cleverest People, on the south - the most stupid. H aydite its place on this scale. you have placed himself near the middle? H is a little higher! Guess? Can, you think, what I I can to read the thoughts of others? H is. I just I know the laws of psychology.
Any a person who is of sound mind and memory, He places himself exactly here. You can on the basis of this test show his close focus. Spend from it experiment, a later Present pre-cooked piece of paper with the result. Coincidence sometimes up to the millimeter.
What conclusion can be drawn from this elegant experiment?
Communicating from partner we must remember that we communicate from man
which the about himself good opinion. It is necessary to stress the all his view, the construction of the phrases during the conversation, it is important to ensure that lest It was derogatory gestures, indulgent facial expressions and etc. Better Total, if during the conversation you always carefully look at him, as it happens during the fight.
Besides Togo, programmed response of the partner in the question. AND It not just programmed. This is a forced response. Try placing himself northern pole. H e is obtained? Correctly. Closer to north pole place himself usually weak-minded people. A closer to South? Also does not work. Closer to south pole placed himself people, are in the deep depression or wise men such as Socrates, who said: "I I only know that I know nothing. " By the way, this test as if we measure the intelligence, the value of which we have mentioned above traits.
If answer partner we are not satisfied (and he, as we only installed, forced), we asked the wrong question. Therefore way for to to govern partner by communication, must model his behavior, and he will be forced to have to do what we need.
The question arises: what about the partner? We win, and what will happen to them? AT That's and is a feature of psychological struggle that here there are no winners and losers. Here or both win or both lose. therefore your victory will be the victory of your partner. H and at no case can not bring up partner. Let us remember that education ends for five to seven years. Further effects called reeducation. A it is possible only at self-help. re each It can only be one person-himself.
Therefore way an object of education always under hand. Opens brilliant perspective: work on yourself, his behavior study the Fa psychological struggle. be wise and indulgent tutor. H e punish his charge too strict, try it persuade. After this re-restructuring and reorganization always difficult and painful. be firm in assigned purpose but soft in the media. Keep in mind that the acquisition of knowledge, as a winding coil. So, in the battle!
depreciation Basics
Getting to communicate with a look at it as a psychological struggle, should be lean on wisdom accumulated over the centuries (Bible texts, teachings of eastern wise men, etc.).
1.Zanimaytes systematically. The question is, where to get the time? A it is further not necessary. Each of us speaks, everyone there are failures.
(Those, Who satisfied with the results of the dialogue, they love friends loves
Supra g (a) worship subordinates, respect bosses, Who never not
conflicts should not read this book. This communication geniuses. They and So
on intuitive level all mastered.) Such failures must attentively
analyze in the light of the knowledge gained from this book, and search only
their error. "And what do you see the speck in your brother's eye, and the beam at
your eyes do not you feel? .. First remove the plank from your own eye, and then
you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. "
2. H e afraid of difficulties and setbacks. "Enter by the narrow gate; because
wide gates and the way that leads to destruction, and many go them;
because what narrow is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and few find
their".
3.Otrabatyvayte at first defense, protection. Sometimes one it
enough for successful communication. "Agree with thine adversary quickly, while you are on the road with him ... "
4. H e ignore the ridicule of others. «H e Answer a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him."
5. H e sing on success, as Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty fall.
6. In the period of training completely give partner initiative.
The basis of amortization of the principle of inertia are the laws that are characteristic
not only for the physical body, but also for biological systems. To repay it, we the amortization, are not always aware of it. And if we do not realize it and use not always. much more successful apply we physical depreciation. If we are pushed from a height, and thus imposed a fall, We continue a movement that was imposed on us - damping, the most quenching effects push and then get up on the flat legs, rectifies. If us pushed at water, and here we are at the beginning continue movement that us imposed, and just after exhausted of force inertia emerges. Athletes specially trained depreciation. Look as a football player takes the ball like a boxer goes from bumps and falls like fighter in that side at which pushes him enemy. at this he carries the last for themselves, and then adds a bit of its energy and It is already upstairs, actually using his own strength. H and the same is based depreciation principle in interpersonal relationships.
Model depreciation provided at "The Rake the brave Soldier Schweik ": "Schroeder He stopped in front of Svejk and began him examine.
The results of his observations Colonel summarized in one word:
· Idiot!
· Humbly report, sir, you idiot! - Said Svejk. "
H and what counts partner, addressing to us from those or any other suggestions? H etrudno guess - our consent. all body all metabolic processes, the whole psyche attuned to it. And suddenly we refuse. As with He himself feels? H e can imagine? Remember how you We feel when invited partner (or partner) to a dance or a movie, and you refused! Remember how you felt when you were denied reception you are interested in the work, even though they knew that the valid reasons for such refusal was not! Of course, it should be on our way, but first move should be amortization. Then there is the possibility for productive contacts in the future.
Therefore way depreciation - Is immediate agreement from arguments partner. Depreciation it happens direct, lag and prevention.
H eposredstvennaya amortization
H eposredstvennaya depreciation is often used in the process communication in "psychological stroking" situations where you do compliments or flatter, invitation to cooperate, applying "psychological Shot. " Here are some examples of depreciation techniques.
When "psychological stroking"
A: You look great today.
B: Thank you for the compliment! I really look good.
Last thing sentence be sure to: some make compliments
insincerely from perceived or unconscious purpose to confuse partner. H and this answer can finish, but if you suspect partner insincerity, you can add the following: I am particularly pleased hear it is up to you, because I do not doubt your sincerity.
When the invitation to cooperate
A: We offer you the position of head of the department.
B: 1) Thank you. I agree (with the consent).
2) thank you for an interesting proposal. H ADO think and all
weigh (if a negative answer is expected).
must be Mark, what specialist in psychological aikido agrees after the first invitations. If first invitation It was insincere, all at once falls into place. Next time with you in these games not will play. If invitation sincere, you We would appreciate a quick agreement. On the other hand, when it comes to making any business proposal itself, it too should be done only once. Let's remember rule: "To persuade - so rape. " Typically specialist by psychological aikido himself nothing not offers, and organizes its activities so that to interesting him cause he was invited.
At the "psychological impact"
A: You are a fool!
B: You are absolutely right! (departure from the shock).
Usually two or three departures from attack it happens enough. partner falls in a state of "psychological grog", he was disoriented, confused. Beat it is no longer necessary. I believe in your honesty, my dear reader! You without need beat lying not will. at the answer can be extended at need as follows:
· As you will quickly realize that I am a fool. I managed for so many years from all to hide it. If your discernment you have a great future! I'm just surprised that you are still the authorities did not appreciate!
To illustrate, I describe a scene that occurred on the bus.
Specialist by M. psychological aikido, skipping representatives
beautiful floor, last I squeezed into a crowded bus. When I closed the door, he looked for in his numerous pockets (on it was jacket, pants and jacket) coupons. In this case it naturally delivered a inconvenience of standing up a notch G. Suddenly it was thrown "psychological stone." G. angrily said:
· How long will you still poking around ?!
Immediately followed by sinking answer:
· Long.
Further dialogue proceeded as follows:
D .: H because of the way I can nalezt coat on the head!
M .: Can.
D .: H ichego no funny!
M .: In fact, there's nothing funny.
There was a friendly laughter. G. during the trip did not say more than
not a single word.
Imagine how much conflict continued, if on first remark was followed by the traditional answer:
· This is not a taxi, you can suffer!
Here described embodiments of the immediate depreciation. H achinayuschie master this technique often complain that in the moment of contact is not time to figure out as conduct depreciation, and answer at its normal, conflict style. It is not in uptake, and that many our patterns of behavior are automatically, without the inclusion of thinking.
before all must suppress them and to closely monitor actions of a partner, him words and agree. Here not must nothing write! Read again the example. You see, M. used the "energy" of the partner - he did not come up with a single word!
lag amortization
When direct depreciation nevertheless not It failed, You can use the lag depreciation. If direct contact between the partners stopped, you can send a letter amortization.
I was approached for the psychological help the soldier, a man of 42 years. H Azov him of H. H astroenie he was depressed. Previously, he held me course psychological aikido and from success used techniques, the immediate depreciation, which allowed him to significantly strengthen his position on work put into production their development. I even I thought that the more trouble he will not, so visit him It was for me a kind of unexpected.
is he I told following history. Of the year one and a half ago he He carried away by an employee from another department. Convergence initiative came from her. She admired without measure our hero, sympathized with him when at it were failures. Under his leadership, began to exploit the developed them techniques quite successfully mastered them and became an ardent follower of his. She is the first a declaration of love. They had planned to start together life as a all of a sudden, completely suddenly for it him friend the closure of the meeting. It happened a few days after he was asked to leave the reserve, but to remain in the institution of voluntary recruitment.
It was a nuisance, but not so much because he was able to continue its research, although wages are significantly lower. gap the same My friend took it as a catastrophe. It seemed that everything collapses. He would then amortize, and all would It fell into place. H on he began sort things out. it to nothing lead, and he decided to do more than from her not to talk, "Endure" as understood, what at end of the ends All will pass. So It lasted about a month. is he from her not saw and I started to calm down. H on Suddenly she began to address him with the business matters unnecessarily and looked at it at him tenderly.
H and some time relations are improving, but then again followed by a break. So It continued for a further six months, until he did not understand, what she mocks him, but to resist its provocations could not. By this time, it developed a pronounced depressive neurosis. During the next she quarrels he said that in general never loved him. It was the final blow. And he asked for help.
To me It was it is clear that it is now in direct battle not It makes no sense. Then we wrote a letter amortization.
Here are the contents:
You absolutely law that stopped our meetings. thank you for pleasure which He gave me, apparently out of pity. You So skilfully played, I have never for a moment did not doubt that you love me. You me I carried away, and I could not answer yours, as I then thought, feeling. AT it not It was no false note. I am writing this not in order that you are back. Now it is no longer possible! If you re going to speak, that you love me, how can I believe? Now I understand how you with me it was hard! H e love, and so behave! And last request. Try with me not occur even in the case. H ADO to wean. They say time heals, but so far I believe it is difficult. I wish you happiness!
H.
AT letter It was invested all her letters and photos. at once the same after sending writing H. I felt great relief. A when many began attempts to "friend" to restore relations, calmness already complete.
I I think it makes no sense to conduct a detailed analysis of the depreciation this moves letters. Here no or a reproach. I draw Attention on a psychological subtlety, which is contained in the phrase: "Try to I do not meet Even in the case. " Man is awesome manner. He always it would be desirable that it is not available. Forbidden fruit is always sweet. And vice versa, human He is trying to give up what him imposed. Once God forbade Adam and Eve to pluck apples from the tree, so they are near him and found.
how Only H. asked his friend not to meet with him, she immediately became seek establish relations. When the same he had tried make a date, the then he could not. In communication prohibitions give the opposite effect. Do you want to achieve something from a man, he is a rebuke.
FROM acquisition experience compilation depreciation scripting I
convinced what on initial stages training better write letter.
H achinayuschie They are in great anxiety, and often after one or two depreciation strokes go to the old, conflicted communication style. Besides Togo, partner can read the letter several times. Each time it will be in a different mental state. Sooner or later, a letter will make the necessary psychological effect. One girl wrote amortization letter. Very upset that there was no answer. It came six months later, but what it was the answer!
Preventive amortization
definition given at the title. Her can use in work and family relationships, in those cases, when the conflict It follows the same stereotype, when threats and accusations acquire the same form and the commandment of the partner is known in advance. Model Preventive depreciation find in "The Good Soldier Svejk." One of Lieutenant Oak heroes of the book, talking to the soldiers, usually uttered: "Do you know me? H is, you do not know me! You know me from the good side, but you me learn and from bad side. I have moved to tears. " once Svejk collided with a second lieutenant Oak.
· What are you doing hanging around here? - He asked Shveyka.- You know me?
· Humbly I report, I would not want to know you a bad hand.
Lieutenant Oak audacity of numb, and Svejk calmly continued:
· Humbly report, I want you to know only the good side, so you do not have brought me to tears as deigned to promise last time.
In lieutenant Duba guts only then to scream:
· Hit the rascal, we will talk with you!
Carnegie at such cases suggests: "Tell me about himself all then that's going to make your accuser, and you deprive him of the wind the sail. " Or, as stated proverb: "obey head sword not flogs. " Here some examples of preventive depreciation.
Preventive depreciation in family life
Zam. main Design one of large factories, Man aged 38 years, married, having children leading yet and an active social life, in our classes told about the problem.
In it due to frequent late joining home not infrequently conflicts arose from his wife, which, in principle, had a good relationship. Accusations have the following content: "When will this end! I Do not know if there my husband or no! Do you have children or not the father! Just think what indispensable! Exposes himself, that's you and load! "Etc.
look here his account of the episode, which occurred in his at family after a month of training in cross-country.
· One day after a late arrival home, I saw terrible silence his spouses' psychological poker "and prepared to battle.
The dialogue began with the cry:
· Why was delayed today?
Instead of excuses, I said:
· Honey, I'm surprised your patience. If you behaved like am I, I would have not survived. After all, look what happens: came the day before yesterday late, yesterday - late, today promised to come early - as luck would have it again later.
Wife (with anger):
· Throw their psychological tricks!
(She knew about my studies.)
I (guiltily):
· Yes and here psychology. Man you got and at the the same practically it is not the time. The children's father did not see it. You could have come earlier.
My wife (not so threatening, but still unhappy):
· Okay, come.
I silently I undress, wash my hands and go into a room, sit down and start to read something. My wife at that time just finished frying patties. I was hungry and smelt highly tasty, but the kitchen I did not go. Wife entered at room and with some tension asked:
· Why do not you go there? Go somewhere already fed!
I (guiltily):
· H is, I am very hungry, but I did not deserve.
Wife (somewhat softer):
· Okay, go there.
I ate only one pie and continue to sit. Wife (warily):
· What cakes taste good?
I (still guilty):
· No, pies are delicious, but I do not deserve it.
Wife (very gently, even with affection)
· H y, okay. Eat all you want.
AT a tone conversation lasted about a minute. The conflict was settled.
Previously spat could last for several days.
Preventive depreciation in the service relationship
Amazingly simple, but almost no one that does not enjoy! H ADO to come to
boss and say something like: "I have come to you scolded me.
You know what I've done ... "Here are three examples.
D. He was a skilled lathe operator, but quite often ill, and thereby caused displeasure with his boss, who in conversation with eye approximately offered him quit. After successful learning methods of psychological warfare, he felt good and confident. And this, he came up with. Well worked two weeks, wrote a letter of resignation and not putting date, I came to the reception to the chief and said the following:
· I I understand that was a burden on the industry, but now I'm healthy.
that at you not was no doubt on this score, I brought you statement of resignation on their own without a date. I fully give myself to your disposal. Once again I have let you down, put a date and fire me.
H hief I looked on D. was surprised and unconcealed interest. Application refused to take. Since then, relations have become a warm, a D. gained confidence.
A here example preventive (proactive) depreciation in the workplace. E., safety engineer, fascinated by psychology during training psychological aikido I decided to retrain the profile engineering psychology. To do this, she had to do on 3-year rates of psychological toll university department, and means for payment learning get in the workplace. here is as her managed do it.
E. I signed up on welcome to the director and entered the final. is he He looked tense and tired. E. start as follows:
· I am the last, and I have for you is not a request, and the proposal.
director relaxed and I looked on E. calmly and even with some interest. E. continued:
· It It should bring the most benefits production, but at first it will be necessary to spend a lot of money.
Face Director again became tense. Next conversation was in the following way.
· If this proposal can not take, no claims will be, but for the rage forgive me in advance.
H vol- tage asleep at once, and it peacefully and even more complacent asked E. continue. When she outlined heart case he I asked how this will be cost. E. named worth 2000 rubles, he fun laughing (pr edpriyatie "tossing and turning" the millions) and gave his consent:
· H y, it's stuff!
AND last example Preventive depreciation. Past at our training D. believes that the knowledge and skills gained on them sessions on psychological aikido if not saved his life, the by extreme least helped maintain health and made his life in the army is not so painful. He came to serve in the construction team. That's one of the cases that helped D. gain authority.
· H Axe office dined at civil dining room by special coupons. AT the day she is not It worked. Commander department I tried to organize food coupons in the other dining room, but do this he does not managed, as he demanded, shouting. Then I suggested its help.
I went to the head of the dining room and spoke to her with the words:
· I have a huge request to you. If you refuse, I will not insult you I have, as I understand it is very difficult.
I outlined crux of the matter, asked her to think about how to feed 12 the soldiers who suitable her in sons. And she came up with! H ace fed, a then passes put into our dining room and got the money.
Summary
Depreciation - this agreement with all allegations enemy.
Distinguish three species depreciation: direct, lag and
prevention. Basic principles of depreciation:
1.Spokoyno accept compliments.
2.If you are satisfied with the proposal, agree on the first try.
3. H E of the proposed their services. Helps when did his business.
4.Predlagay cooperation only once.
5. H e expect when you start to criticize, criticize himself.
Now it is time to relax, put the book aside for a few days and
try to apply in my life considered techniques. This will greatly facilitate the perception of the material that is presented in Sec. 2.
2. THEORY OF DEPRECIATION, EMHOGO SKUCHHAYA of H, HO Requisite
Principle depreciation has been developed based on the study I practical application of transactional analysis - psychotherapeutic method, discovered and developed by California psychotherapist E. Berne at 50-70th years of our century. Communication, as I pointed higher, is an one most necessary human needs. We hunger to communication, points E. Berne, highly a lot of common from food hunger. therefore here appropriate "gastronomic" parallels.
The need for communication
Rational food should include a full set nutritious
substances vitamins, trace elements and so on. n. Deficiency of one of the them cause
the appropriate type of hunger. And communication can be complete only at
Tom if it met all requirements, if it there are
all the ingredients. -
There are several types of hunger to communicate.
Hunger on stimulation develops at absence irritants
necessary for communication, ie, alone situation. In babies deprived of the necessary contact with the people in terms of children's homes, irreversible changes at psyche, which later prevent a person to adapt to social life. An adult who does not have special training, in terms of loneliness killed on 5-10 day.
H on the satisfaction of hunger only to stimulation can not make a full-fledged dialogue. So, once in a multimillion-dollar business trip to the city or to rest on crowded resort, we can experience an acute sense of loneliness, if not can meet another kind of communicative hunger - hunger on recognition. here is why we on We try a new place get new friends and friends, so you get to know them! That is why we happy to meet at foreign human city, which at the place Unknown we We do not support a special relationship! H about and that is not enough.
H Necessity eliminate hunger and more to meet the needs of in communication. It occurs when a person is forced to communicate from people who him not interested deep, a itself communication wears formal.
Then must satisfy hunger at the event. Even if pretty deep around you people, but it does nothing new, the same event repeated in the same sequence, develops boredom. Thus, we bothers plate, which yet recently we listened to from great pleasure. That's why people with great relish gossip, when suddenly It is becoming known any scandal from their good friends. It immediately refreshes the communication.
Exist yet hunger to achieve. H Necessity to achieve some result, to whom you strove to master some skill. The man is happy when he suddenly starts to turn.
H on this is not enough. Necessity and H satisfy the hunger for recognition. For example, an athlete acts at competitions, although in training already showed record results, the writer tries to publish a written book a scientist already prepared to defend his thesis. And here is not only in the material rewards.
we We eat not just products, and prepare them some food and we can stay unsatisfied, if not eaten for a long time did not drink or borscht compote. Provided further structural hunger. We exchange greetings (rituals), work (otsedury etc.), conduct conversations on breaks (entertainment), We love, conflicting. lack of some forms communication can lead to the structural hunger. H For example, if a person only works and all not fun.
AND if written many books about tasty and healthy food, then why we so few We pay attention to the gastronomy of communication ?! After all, because of the it instead of a delicious menu of joyful and productive contacts have served on the table of the the same starting materials burnt, dried, and often foul, poisonous food intrigue, conflict and strife!
Communication with itself (structural analysis)
Let's try to see how communication and preparing any raw products
are used for its preparation. That young engineer does report at the conference. He has one posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. This Adult, objectively assess the reality of the person. He comes home and wife straight from threshold asks him to throw out the garbage. And before us another man - capricious child. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. A in the morning when he was leaves on work him son accidentally sheds on his light carefully ironed costume glass of cherry juice. AND Again we face the other person - formidable Parent. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, intonation, facial expressions and gestures.
studying communication of people, E. Berne He described three I states, that every person has a district that turns, and sometimes together are exterior communication. I states - normal psychological human phenomena ID: Parent (P) - Adult (B) - Child (D) (Fig. 2.). All they required for life. Child - the source of our desires, instincts, needs. Here joy, intuition, creation, imagination, curiosity, spontaneous activity. H about here and fears whims, discontent. In addition, the Bambino - the whole psychic energy. for who live in? For Bambino! This may be the best part of our personality.
/ --- \
| P |
\ --- /
/ --- \
| B |
\ --- /
/ --- \
| A |
\ --- /
Fig. 2.
Adult needed for survival. Child wants Adult performs. Adult switches street, climbs in the mountains, manufactures impression produces food builds housing, making clothes, etc. Adult monitors the actions of parents and child.
If act performed often and starts performed automatically, simply because it is assumed here shown Parent. This autopilot, which leads right the ship in normal conditions, freeing Adult from acceptance routine everyday solutions this and a brake, that automatically keep us from hasty actions. Parent - our conscience. Slogans Bambino - want like; Adult - Appropriate, useful; Parent - should not be. And happy people, if it want, expedient and should have one and the the same content! H For example, I want to write this book, it is advisable to write this book, I have to write this book.
If wish Bambino satisfy in a timely manner, they It seems reasonable and it is easy to perform them. Delay in meeting requirements or leads to the disappearance of its Theological and whether to excess. This happens, for example, when human limit yourself to food; it becomes a glutton or loses appetite.
If the surrounding reality does not change, the body switches on automatic control, and all the desires Bambino, his security pass in Parent management. Habitual actions require a minimum expenditure of energy, and bans are malooschutimymi. An adult can at this point do other problems. Actions seem appropriate, even reasonable, but the consciousness they are practically not involved, there is no thought here. This becomes evident when the situation suddenly changes, control is weakened Adult, and rigid, conservative programs Parent make a person automatically carry outdated, but last expedient actions. So, young coquettish girl, automatically using the cosmetics, becomes even more attractive. Time passes, and if the adult does not control actions Parents, those the same receptions her age the and make ugly.
Leaders, parents, teachers, in general, all of us costs remember that programs Parents, especially acquired in early childhood are very resistant. For they need a lot of destruction effort special tricks. Parent at their demands becomes aggressive, It makes us work adult, deals harm Bambino, behind score energy which there himself. I illustrate this by an example.
His students on One of the lessons I somehow I advised treat their reviews two hours after the arrival of sandwiches, tea, candy. Immediately fell objection: "Who, then, will be to us to go? What will be on the us speak? how so, come visit, and I do not cook good treats? " Pressure Parent is so strong what all of force Adult mind directed to perform foolish things. Purchased ten products time more, than you need to eat in a five time more, than necessary Bambino. In any hospital will tell you that the most receives patients from myocardial infarction, perforated ulcers stomach alcoholic psychosis after holidays. how we see not So really harmless hard Parent program, out-of-control adults!
Yet one the danger comes from the parents. It is often there are powerful prohibitive programs, that prevent satisfy personality their needs, prohibitions: «H is, to marry until long till not get higher Education "," Hikogda not meet people in the street, "etc. H and for some time they restrain child, but then breaks down the energy of unmet needs dam prohibitions. When the child (want to), and Parent (impossible) friend with friend quarrel, And adults can not reconcile them, developing internal conflict, a man torn by contradictions. And "when there is no agreement on the way their business will not go in and out of what is not the case, only the train flour."
student psychological fight at the training must analyze the contents of its parent, destroy unnecessary restrictions and to develop new skills, and it is quite possible.
For example, take a few fragments from the novel by J. London "Martin Eden". Young sailor Martin Eden falls in love with a girl from a bourgeois environment Ruth Morse. In she also arose inclination to Martin. Novel Psychologic deeply. Some of its episodes illustrate the struggle Bambino and parents, which It is the essence of intrapersonal conflict. H and different stages of the adult becomes the side of the child, on the part of parents.
Consider the scene where Martin Eden first came to Morse. Is he, before cross the threshold, awkwardly pulled his cap from his head. spacious he lobby somehow at once It was not in place. He did not know what to do with his cap, and was about to shove it into his pocket, but at this time Arthur He took his cap from his hand and made it so easy and natural that a guy I was touched.
Huge the room seemed to be too tight for his swinging gait - he all time I feared hook on shoulder behind door shoal or whisk trinket with fireplace. His large hands dangling helplessly, he did not know what to them do. And when he thought he was going to will touch books on the table, he pulled away like a frightened horse, and almost threw a stool at the piano. Drops of perspiration were on his forehead, and stood, and he wiped his face with a handkerchief around the room, eyes focused, but in this view all It was still anxiety, like a wild animal, fearful of a trap. He was surrounded by the unknown - fear of what awaited him, did not know what to do.
what It is interesting from the point of view of structural analysis? Martin Eden was in unfamiliar surroundings. The program of his parents was not necessary for this the situation of the automated patterns of behavior. Him Adult took it over. And though he looked awkward, it was he thought, not Arthur, although his behavior was "simple and natural" So as going from parents.
H on here came Ruth. She spoke freely and easily (work Parent Ruth). From the subsequent discussion it is clear that she is not pondering, he recounted opinion their environment. H of a sudden she caught his eyes blazing. Yet none one man not I looked at her, and the look embarrassed her. She is hesitated and stopped. From it suddenly slipped discussion thread. This man is scared it, and at the the same time it somehow was pleased that he she So looks (crushed Parents Child comes to life). Graft education skills (Parent) warned her against the danger of and of force it insidious charm; but instinct (Child) rang in the blood, demanding that she forgot who she was and what she was, and rushed toward the visitor from another world.
AND Martin Eden is said Ruth looked at him with admiration. His fire I warmed her. She first felt that she was, did not know the heat. She wanted to cling to the powerful, passionate person, which bubbled volcano forces and health (Bambino desire). The desire was so strong that she is with difficulties restrained themselves (adults and parents). H about in the the same time something (Parent) and pushes it from Martin. Repels those wounded hands, into the skin which it seemed to ingrained everyday dirt, the swollen muscles, neck, grated collar. Him coarseness frightened her. each rough word offended hearing (not a rumor, and parents). Still, it was attracted to him some, she thought, satanic power. Anything so firmly settled n her brain, all of a sudden It was waver (attacks on Parent Ruth). Him life overturned all the usual s it like at the presentation. Life no longer seemed to her something serious and difficult, but rather a toy, a nice play, twirl in all directions, but which it can be and to give without regret. "Here and you play, - she said her inner voice - Squeeze him, if you So I want to, hug his neck. " Her horrified lightheadedness these motives, but she forced herself to think vain about their cleanliness, their culture - everything that distinguishes it from him. Looking around, Ruth saw and that the others listen spellbound but eyes his mother She read the same horror, enthusiastic, but still terrified, and it gave her of force (received support from Parent mother). Yes, this man who came of darkness -n orozhdenie evil. Ruth It was ready rely on the mother's judgment is always used to rely. Martin Flames ceased to burn it, and the fear he instilled in her, lost sharpness (Parent "Crushed" Child).
Martin Eden fell in love in Ruth and decided to become his at their environment. He managed to restructure the program of its parent, enrich Knowledge his adult. Across year soiree at Ruth Martin interviewed from chief accountant minutes fifteen, Ruth not could rejoice on her lover. His eyes had never shone, cheeks never broke, and Ruth I marveled at the tranquility with which he led the conversation (work Parents who Little It helps Adult). H's talk about interested him. Martin was not waving his arms, but Ruth meticulously noted a special gleam in his eyes, his voice gradually begins to rise, and the paint is surging her cheeks (act Bambino). Martin H about very little thought now about decorum! is he had seen, how knowledgeable and how well formed him interlocutor (joint Job Adult and Bambino, which unobtrusively It helps parents).
Gradually, by As the formation of a new program of the Parent, Adult Martin more freed from routine work and begins to understand the situation and in his beloved. Martin realized that Ruth "The joy of creativity" - empty words. It is, however, often use them in conversation, and Martin first heard about the joy of creativity from her mouth. She read about This, I heard lectures of university professors, even mentioned by renting the degree bachelor Art. H about herself she was alien originality I thought, every creative impulse and could only repeat what has been memorized hearsay. Therefore, it could not assess the creativity of her fiance, could not imagine that you can be a writer without a diploma (parents' actions, which makes it difficult to see life in its true light).
Adult Martin not can provide for Ruth the necessary material position. A when Martin hit at scandalous history, internal Parent Ruth and current parents beat her child. H astupil rupture of relations.
For Martin it ended tragically. Former parent was destroyed and could him protect as it defended Ruth Parent, although and deprived of happiness. One of his creativity for Bambino was not enough. It deprived of the usual circle communication has not acquired a new, collapsed love. H astupil sharp communicative famine, though the people around It was a lot of. Martin failed to protect their child from depression.
Communication with your partner (transactional analysis)
Parallel transactions
Each of us live as if three people who often do not get along with each other. When people are together, then sooner or later they They start to talk friend from other. If A refers to the B., the he sends his communicative stimulus (Fig. 3).
Stimulus
---- ---------> ----
| A | Answer | B |
L ---- <-------- L ----
Fig. 3.
B. him responding. This communicative response. Stimulus and answer can be called transactions which is a unit of communication. Therefore , the last can be regarded as a series of transactions. Answer B. It becomes a stimulus for A.
When two man talk, they come together in system relations. If the communication starts A. and B. it is responsible, further actions depend on A. Answer B. And now, my dear reader, we are with you systemic relations. Your reactions are dependent on what I wrote, but and my further actions depends from your reactions. If book you enjoy, you will recommend it to others, write me your wishes and circulation gets going fast, it will encourage me to write new books. If what is written here, will not cause you interest, the and my actions are very different.
goal transactional analysis is to to figure out, what I-state A. sent a communicative stimulus and what I state, B. It gave the answer. Most often the stimulus and the response comes from an adult. This honest simple transaction, which usually occur in the productive work. Mason puts masonry, and helper correctly estimated its speed, time brings bricks and mortar. The professor gave a lecture, a students write carefully.
· What time is it now?
· A quarter to eight.
By lines B-B we exchange information. this transaction can be called parallel (Fig. 4a). By the parallel transactions also includes P-P and D-D (Fig. 4b, c).
PP:
A .: The disciples did not want to do.
B .: Yes, before curiosity was higher.
A-D:
A .: And what if the last lecture to go to the movies?
B .: Yes, good idea.
Here Conflict is not and never will be. In line BB we work, by
lines D-D love having fun along the line P-P gossip. These transactions take place so that psychologically partners are equal to each other. it transactions psychological equality - first a type. Analysis of parallel transactions allowed Bern formulate primary Act of communication: till transactions parallel process communication will be run smoothly for a long time.
/ --- \ / --- \ / --- \ ------> / --- \ / --- \ / --- \
| P | | P | | P | | P | | P | | P |
\ --- / \ --- / \ --- / <------ \ --- / \ --- / \ --- /
/ --- \ ------> / --- \ / --- \ / --- \ / --- \ / --- \
| B | | B | | B | | B | | B | | B |
\ --- / <------ \ --- / \ --- / \ --- / \ --- / \ --- /
/ --- \ / --- \ / --- \ / --- \ / --- \ ------> / --- \
| A | | A | | A | | A | | A | | A |
\ --- / \ --- / \ --- / \ --- / \ --- / <------ \ --- /
a b at
Fig. 4.
Second type of parallel transactions - D-P and P-R - occurs in the care situation, suppression care (P-D) (Fig. 5a) or helplessness caprice, admiration DR (Fig. 5b). This transaction psychological inequality. AND at this case, as long as they match the vectors of conflict will not be. Sometimes these relationships can last long enough. Father takes care of his son, Chief tyrannized subordinates. Children forced to before of a certain age to endure the pressure of parents, slave - demolish bullying boss. H for sure come a time when someone will bother take care of, but someone have to patronize, someone did not survive the tyranny.
/ --- \ / --- \ / --- \ / --- \
| P | <--- | P | | P | ----> | P |
\ --- / - | \ --- / \ --- / | --- \ --- /
/ --- \ | | / --- \ / --- \ | | / --- \
| B | | | | B | | B | | | | B |
\ --- / | | \ --- / \ --- / | | \ --- /
/ --- \ | L - / --- \ / --- \ --- | / --- \
| A | L ---> | A | | D | <---- | A |
\ --- / \ --- / \ --- / \ --- /
a b
Fig. 5.
Can beforehand calculate when the relationship will end rupture. let's We think about when? H etrudno guess what retained the relationship existing connections on the line B-B. It is understood that they run out and then when The relationship-has exhausted itself, ie, the gap will then when children stop depend financially on their parents, a slave receive high qualifications to material good. here is why many workers dismissed as soon as he defended the thesis, will move at a new apartment, etc.
If relations and then saved, then surely conflict develops, struggle begins. How unbalanced the scales, he Who It was at the bottom, will be strive to go up and lower down Togo, Who I was upstairs. In extreme expressions relations P-D - this slavish-tyrannical attitude. Let us consider them in more detail.
What thinks the slave? Of course, not about freedom! He thinks and dreams about how to become a tyrant! Slavery and tyranny - is not so much the external relations as state of mind. Each of the slave sits a tyrant, and tyrant - slave. Can formally be a slave, but in the soul remain free. When the philosopher Diogenes have taken into slavery and put up for sale, the potential the buyer asked him:
· What can you do?
Diogenes replied:
· Dominated people!
Then the herald asked:
· Declare, if anyone does not want to buy a master?
Analyze your relations at family or on work. If you are in the position of a slave, depreciation technique will make you feel free man and go out of slavish depending on from their oppressor, even if he is your boss. If you are yourself at the position of the tyrant, establish equal relations requires special techniques.
AT school psychological F. struggle led strained relations with senior the son of 12 years, who at that time was finishing sixth grade. ABOUT his success at learning testified to this fact: on the one page at it sometimes happened before 30 errors. Accusations and threats such as "How at you hands grow? " "What of you come? "," Who are you will I need? " "Janitor become!" "See how your parents learned!" Etc. effect already not allowed. H evozmozhno would make it at least once check written. parents summoned to the school. After another "pump" at home state Affairs only worsened.
Analysis situation shows that the style of communication in the family walking by type parallel transactions psychological inequity at of slave-tyrannical version. By the time of the treatment of his father in these relations CROSS no longer meet both side outdated themselves. Correctly It was would immediately translate these relations on the line B-B? Of course not! strategically in this case make So, that father on some time hit in psychological slavery, and his son would be more attentive at implementation of lessons, ie father should go "down" position on child, and raise her son to position Parent. A if the son will be on the stand parent, the he will do, as father. After how was found strategy, I was born and a tactic.
I already said that the more human beings is prohibited, the more he I want to do it. And if something is required of him, then this is the he does not I want to do. That's why my student son refused to check their work. After all him forced to do it! So, before Total not should be forced, threaten, forbid! I would this did mainly motto in the education children. The fewer restrictions and compulsions, the better relations. Now listen to the story of F.
· When I met with communication theory and technique depreciation, I went to her son and said to him with a challenge - give back! I've been able to write without a single Error! I think that by doing so I was able to go down on Bambino position. Besides, I was already familiar with the principle of projection: "If the man himself makes mistakes, he is convinced that others will make mistakes. " Therefore, he knew in advance how our conversation would go.
Son: H e can be.
I: I can bet. For each found my mistake, I will to pay
you 10 cents.
Son: No cheating?
I: Have I you ever cheated?
In the presence of his wife and younger son duly boys of our yard
we They argued. I rewrote the text, with its mistakes and gave him check.
Never attempt H, not I saw that my son was working on the text with such enthusiasm! H and the proposal to use the school spelling dictionary, he replied with a categorical failure. He took a large dictionary on 102 thousands words and I checked every word. Errors were many. As soon as he found the error, immediately I uttered something like:
· Dad, I wonder how you have given matriculation at all, and even with a medal? Where did you get your hands grow? And what kind of writing? How do you keep still at work ?!
Held it is important. H and his face was fastidiously-indulgent expression. Wife He claimed what this It was my copy. Fair saying, I himself I did not like. H on it was very instructive to see myself from the outside. AND at once We came to the heart of some of the provisions of the psychology of education rules: words do not educate; children become as their parents, only yet worse; Children need to show how to live, not to tell.
I lashed on study psychology. Began reprint communication rules and give them to him for review. Mistakes I did a lot, and his son their Everything is. Along the way, he studied the rules of communication. How are you think if would I made him this do I have something happened to? Gradually son behavior became better, and three months later the error was gone. In class, he began talking about the knowledge acquired to their comrades. A year later he already It was excellent student. H Ashi relations were adjusted and took nature of the cooperation. A son He became frank with me. Agree, this a great achievement.
H on farther we closer even more. Once he I asked money pocket costs, I offered him to make them yourself, since at free family had no money. He agreed, but said he did not know where To find a job. I used the services of a typist and suggested that work for him to do with the same conditions of payment. With great difficulty within a month he earned 15 rubles, bought some toy that broke the next day. I kept my wife from unnecessary notations. He was very upset, but do not cry, a with a deep sigh said:
· H ADO same! What worked and bought some nonsense.
So I It was delivered subsequently by moped, "firm", tape recorders. H is, something he has, but within our material possibilities, and scandals not It was. Sport psychology and gave a significant material effect.
So, my dear reader, you already became clear theoretical the basis of the principle of depreciation. H Necessity see what position is your partner and know, at what your I-state directed communicative stimulus. Your answer should be parallel. Now once again return to the examples, that listed at Chapter 1. "Psychological stroking " and compliments go through the DR, the proposal to cooperate on-line B-B, and the "psychological impact" - through the P-D.
H ilk we describe some signs which you can to quickly diagnose a condition in which your partner.
Parent. Pointing the finger, a figure reminiscent of the letter F. H and person - indulgence or contempt, often - a wry smile. Heavy look down. Is sitting, leaning back. It is clear, he He knows some a mystery that is not available to others. He loves truths and expressions: "I will I will not tolerate, "" That was done immediately "," of H euzheli difficult to understand! " "The horse is clear!" "You are absolutely wrong," "I fundamentally this is not agree "," What idiot invented it? "," You did not understand me "," Who So doing! "," How many can you to talk about? "" You are required to ... "," How you not shame on you! "," Helzya ... "," Hi way! ", etc.
Adult. Sight is directed to an object, as if the body supplied forward, eyes more expanded or narrowed. H and the face - an expression of attention, after which can see curiosity Child. uses expression
"Excuse me, I do not understand, please explain again, "" I, probably, it is not clear explained why I was refused, "" Let's see "," And what if we do so "," How do you plan to do the job? "etc.
Child. And the posture and facial expression correspond to the internal state - Joy, mountain fear, anxiety, etc. Often exclaims: "Fantastic!" "Great!", "I want!", "Want of H e," "Hadoelo!", "Fed up!" "Damn it all propadom! "," Let the burning fire! "," No, you are simply delicious! "," I love you "," Hi would not agree! "," Why do I need this! "" When did it all end! "
Intersecting the transaction (the mechanisms of conflict)
Any human, even most conflict, conflict not all time.
Consequently, depreciates, enter into dialogue, which wears the nature of concurrent transactions. If would people not conducted himself although would sometimes correctly, they would have perished. The conflict goes on intersecting transactions (Fig. 6).
/ --- \ / --- \
| P | --- | P |
\ --- / | \ --- /
/ --- \ | / --- \
| B | ==== + => | B |
\ --- / | \ --- /
/ --- \ | / --- \
| D | <---- | A |
\ --- / \ --- /
Fig. 6.
The family (a classic example of Eric Berne):
Husband: Honey, if you are prompt, where my cufflinks? (B-B).
Wife:
1) You're not a little, you'd better know where your cufflinks!
2) Where did you leave them! (D-F).
AT store: Buyer: You do not tell me how much costs a kilogram of sausage? (B-B).
Seller: You have that eye is not ?! (D-F).
H and the production of:
A.: H e tell whether you to me, which mark become here should I use? (B-B).
B .: You will have time to know these basic things? (D-F).
Further discussion in the family can proceed as follows.
Husband: If naev house was the order, I could find my own things! (P -
D).
Wife: If would you give me a little help, I would be able to cope with the economy! (D-F).
Husband: H e is much we have large farm. Be agile. If would your mother did not indulge you as a child, you would have ruled. See also, that I have no time? (D-F).
Wife: If would your mother taught you to help, not filed you breakfast in bed, you would have found the time to help me! (D-F).
The subsequent course of events is clear: all will move to relatives the seventh generation will remember all the wrongs that have caused each other. H e is possible that one of them rises the pressure and he will have to leave the field of battle! And after the scandal they have to look for cufflink together. H e was better to do it at once? Let's consider the scheme of conflict (Fig. 7).
/ --- \ / --- \
· > | P | == --- | P | <-
| \ --- / | | \ --- / |
| / --- \ | | / --- \ |
| | B | - = + = + => | B | |
| \ --- / | | \ --- / |
| / --- \ L = + => / --- \ |
L - | D | <---- | D | ---
\ --- / \ --- /
Fig. 7.
First course husband It was along the line B-B. H O apparently at wives very touchy Child Parent and powerful, and maybe it 'podzaveli " at elsewhere (eg, on work). Therefore, the request husband she is apprehended the pressure on the child. Who usually intercedes for the child? Of course, a parent. That and her parents rushed to protect the child, pushed into the background by an adult. the the same most took place and my husband. Wife Child pricked her husband. it lead to the fact that the energy of the last hit in the parent who is dead and reproaches pricked Child wives" that "recharge" his Parent. Clear, scandal will be before those long as the energy is depleted Bambino one partner. General psychological conflict goes to destruction. Or someone leaves field fight, or develops the disease. Sometimes one of partners have to give way, but in practice it is of little use, since as inner peace no. Many consider, what have good psychological training, So as them Can not retain outer imperturbability under internal tension. H on the path to disease!
A Now return again to structure psychological conflict. Look the circuit again. It involves all aspects of the personality. H and the outer communications six persons. It's a market! Investigates relations:
Parent wives grappled a child of the husband. Child husband finds relations a Parent wives, quiet Adult voice of husband and wife not heard, muffled cry Parent and crying child. H about because only Adult makes a business! Scandal the same picks up the energy which must go on productive activities. H Elzy at the same time and row and work. In the conflict is the case. After cufflinks still have to look for.
I'm not against conflict. H about business conflicts need to go
by lines BB. at this refined position polished views people
become closer to each other.
A what the same It happened from our heroes at shop? If Parent
buyer weak, His child cry and he leave of shop without
purchases, complaining on a life. H about when his parents not less powerful, than
Parent seller, the dialogue goes as follows:
Buyer: She even asked me if I had eyes! H e I know will
whether They now you! I know what you do all day here, till I
I stick! (D-F).
Seller: Look at what the business turn up! Be at my place! (D-F).
further extension conversation, you can imagine. more Total at
conflict intervenes queue, which divided on two Party. one
supports Seller, other - The buyer. H on most the main thing - the price of the seller still call! H e better to do it at once?
H and the production is more complicated. A. If in the service depends on the BN, he can to remain silent, but negative emotions, especially if such cases occur often, at A. will accumulate. Discharge conflict It can occur when A. come from the influence of B. and B. allow some inaccuracy.
AT described situations Her husband, the buyer, A. see himself suffering party. H about nevertheless get out of these positions they might from honor, if owned equipment depreciation. How then proceeded to dialogue?
In family:
Husband: Yes, I'm not small, I have long time to know where my cufflinks. H about here You see what I slavishly. But you have me such a chore. You know everything. I believe that you and I have to learn it, etc. (L-R).
In the shop:
Buyer: In I do not have eyes. Which you sensitive. H o one does not notice it, but you have wonderful eyes, and now you tell me how much it costs kilogram of sausages (DR). (I witnessed this scene. All all laughed. Sold at a loss price of the product named.)
H and the production of:
A.: To me really is time to know that. Once you we have the patience to repeat a thousand times the same thing! (L-R).
In all these depreciation responses Child our heroes parents said offenders. H of the control actions Bambino adult.
I hope, my dear reader, that you already have in some cases started to get a depreciation, but still you sometimes pluck on old style communication. H e rush to blame yourself. This stage are all studying the psychological struggle. After all, many of you have lived with a desire command, and here, by at least on the surface, we must obey. H e is obtained the same just because there is no necessary psychological flexibility.
What is the psychological flexibility?
Look yet time on Fig. 2. The place where Adult connected from
parent and child, can call joints soul. at good
psychological flexibility mutual relations between these in parts easily
change. If the same absent psychological flexibility, joints fused soul (Fig. 8). Parent and Child overshadow field activities designed for adults. The adult then engaged not productive activity, and performs whims Bambino. No money, but parents required to treat, make a magnificent feast. The real danger is not, but the child requires additional efforts to protect unnecessary. If all adult time busy with chores Parent (prejudices) or Bambino (fears, illusion) he loses autonomy and no longer understand what is happening in external the world becomes a registrar events. I understand everything, but I could not from help it ... "
/ --- \
| P |
\ --- /
|V|
/ --- \
| A |
\ --- /
Fig. 8.
Therefore way the first task of the student of psychological fight - master ability to stay in adult position. what for it I need to do? how reestablish joint mobility soul? how Adults remain objective? Thomas Harris advises become sensitive to signals Parent and child, who are working in automatic mode. Wait when in doubt. It is useful in the Adult program questions: "Is it true," "Applicable whether this?", "How I took this the idea? " When at you bad mood, ask why your parent beats your Child. H Necessity take time for acceptance serious solutions. His Adult We need to constantly train. During the storm, can not be taught navigation.
Yet one a task - to bring the adult position of his partner in communication. more all we have to do at work when gettin from the chief categorical disposal perform the task, which not possible. It usually goes on lines P-D. First course - Depreciation, a then given business matter. at this It stimulated the thinking of the communication partner, and it becomes in the adult position.
Hief H: Do it now! (D-F).
Slave: All right. (L-R). But as? (B-B).
H hief Sami realized! Why are you here? (D-F).
Slave: If I had to think like you, then would I It was
chief, and you subordinate. (L-R).
Usually after two or three moves amortization (Head of Child without affected) Parent power is depleted, as well as a new revenue no partner down to the position of adults.
During the conversation, you should always look into the eyes of the partner - is the position of the Adult, in extreme cases up, as if surrendering to the mercy, - The child's position. H and at no case you can not look down. it position Parent striker.
Summary
AT Each of us has a three-state I: Parent, Adult and Child.
The unit of communication is a transaction consisting of stimulus and response.
transactions are parallel to the vectors stimulus and response are the same, and crossed, when vectors intersect. In parallel communication is unlimited transactions long (first Act of communication) at crossed it and stops develops conflict (the second law of communion).
AT basis principle Depreciation is the ability determine the vector direction of the stimulus and the answer in a strictly opposite direction.
Business Communication is on the line B-B. To launch partner at Adult position must be accepted first, and then ask a question.
3. Part H AH AMORTIZATION
Depreciation in the service
FROM my point view, "willed" the head, those. such, that screams, threatens It requires punishing, revenge, pursues, - stupid head. At first, he himself I do not think for is on Parent position, Secondly, encouraging Child Slave, he blocking the mind of artist and business dooms to failure.
Smart Head explains asks questions, listens to the opinions of others, It supports the initiative of subordinates, usually is at Adult position. creates the impression that he was not in command, a them command. Such head boldly can take a vacation, and him lack of not affect negative effect on the state of affairs. H on now talk of subordinates.
One of my students, a teacher of mathematics in high school L. (by the way, mathematics is usually easy to digest the principle of depreciation), clashed with his Head of the Department. On the advice of his friends he addressed for advice to me. Last conflict occurred in the following soil. Once at month on their department held a conference on which come mathematics from other schools; It is going about 150 people. H Al hero I went at audience five minutes before beginning conference. Standing in the passage, he peacefully talking with friends, with whom he had not seen quite a long time. It was not entirely clean in the audience, but it is not for harvesting I had nothing.
AT this moment came O. Head of the Department and to establish a dialogue between them.
O. (stress): Look-dirt!
L. (puzzled): H on it's not my job.
O. (with unconcealed irritation): You see, you do not care about
honor team! You can get past the mud, and I here not I can! I one must delve into everything!
L. (head down, staring sullenly): What do I need to do?
A. (irritably): H e could, perhaps, organize cleaning? Would have removed themselves,
nothing would have happened to you!
LA then complained to his friend:
· here is old fool! What he attached to me? H e knows who at we responsible for cleaning ?!
let's analyze psychological structure it dialogue and find a mistake L. partner error is obvious, it does not have to us special significance. O indicated the presence of dirt in the audience (B-B). And LA became talk about functional responsibilities of employees. Whether they knew head of the department? Of course, I knew. therefore response vector direction It was by lines P-D. Psychological content this Answer: "Old fool! H euzheli You do not know that teachers do not take away the audience ?! "
Thus, communication has gone on the type of crossing transactions. L. pricked Child A. It was cast in energy Parent position, followed by a shot from at Child L. The complaint LA friend, when he called the chief old fool, psychological, hidden content become explicit.
This analysis was the basis for testing equipment depreciation.
When a month later he was reappointed conference L. five minutes
before beginning took an initial position in the passage. The audience went O. H and Conversation flowed this time as follows:
O. (voltage): See-dirt!
L. (looking straight into the eyes OG): Yes, the dirt!
H and O. puzzled face. He was silent.
L. (continued sympathetically): You see, nobody affairs before honor
collective. All pass the mud! You have to go into all!
O. silent, but the confusion is replaced by bewilderment. One feels that he can not figure out what to say.
L. (still has enthusiastically. He realized that the initiative in it in hand): If I arrived 20 minutes early, I would have arranged cleaning. In the worst case, I would have removed myself. H ichego would not happen to me!
ABOUT. (slightly recovering, with increasing voltage): More what not enough! I know who it is supposed to do! Ask to come to me at office after lectures Lyudmila Prokofievna (laboratory assistant, responsible behind cleaning audience. - ML)
comment this dialog enough just. Here easily viewed receptions depreciation close and preventive. worthy parse only the latest replica LV and response it. L. at it is true used phenomenon identifying when himself offered sweep the audience. AT communication from in that L. and O. owned to faculty composition, then in the head, and can be, at subconscious at the head the Department of the idea that soon and him have to clean room. Therefore his reaction to LA was not unexpected.
Using equipment depreciation allowed L. pretty quickly establish relations from authorities. I have to now then support friendly relations from them. is he already defended Ph.D. thesis close completion and doctorate. Without a well-established relationship make this It was It would be impossible. Meets him and then what him for it not I had to grovel.
Yet one happening close and preventive depreciation told me P., my former patient of 25 years, a disabled group II on craniocerebral injury which the after 16 day learning methods of psychological warfare in the hospital not only got rid of ticks, which has suffered for 15 years, but also gained communication skills, abruptly changed its nature and circumstances of life for the better. Listen to his story.
· After discharge from the hospital, my life went in a different way. I stopped to pull the hand, ie got rid of the compulsive movement, which is so accustomed to, he considered it impossible to stop it ever. Then at I flashed I thought if I got rid of it, apparently, I can escape other disturbing things to me. Anyway, worth a try, because I already had a good experience, oprovergnuvshy my ideas about himself.
H and I asked to work to clearly define the scope of my responsibilities given my state of health (preventive amortization -. ML). Before he was very vague, at it could enable what anything. This caused Various complaints addressed to me by the authorities. Now I showed hardness, He started a special blog where I became write down a work plan which the beforehand coordinated from leadership. Now to unreasonable demands, I could easily say, "Everything is going by plan, I was accurate and accurate. " And things went uphill. I'm pretty quickly wrote article on its subject, the relationship with the leadership improved, I have gained self-confidence.
Depreciation in public life in ernemsya to R. story
· In addition, I established relationships with many people that used to be at expressed confrontation. So, I boldly I went at house, Where They hated me, and by applying the technique of delayed depreciation has changed the attitude of owners to to me. Be in love they I, however, not become, but Have an opportunity to continue the relationship with the people on the basis of mutual respect the opinions of others.
Another new feature of the character came to me after the training methods of psychological warfare - sociability. I used to be unsociable. Now everything changed. I began to feel more at ease in a society more Togo, I became a disc jockey! It so impressed others and myself that I still have, as they say, I can not get over it. If so, I was offered six months ago, I would have been horrified. How? H ahoditsya on stage under spotlights, under views tens of of people, constantly tell jokes, think on witty turns of the course of the program, fill in the pause? Of course not! A Now I combine scientific work with the responsibilities of a disc jockey. After a time my disco It ranked first among discos research institutes of the city, and I was offered a university-wide spend an evening. He passed successfully, even better, than I expected. I got invitation to participation in the theatrical production. I know many people. previously I took place by Institute unnoticed, the now barely time to leave. And all this in such a short time! Indeed, there are miraculous transformations of people!
Depreciation in the private and family life and once again return to our hero.
· AT For a whole year I have experienced serious mental stress on the my complicated relationship with his girlfriend. All my attempts to establish they broke on the stone wall of the female stubbornness. I quickly left the himself began angry, but Problems this not solved. (Community going by psychological scheme conflict. - ML). After training, I decided to act differently.
Faced My friend, I said that he decided to seriously sort out in our relations (a small mistake: it was necessary to wait that from such a request she asked. - ML). For me it was not an easy step, strained relations so, that I could expect anything anything. AND here at several Weeks girlfriend with great pleasure that poured on my slops head, and I answered:
· H y what well, my dear, maybe you're right in their own way, but let's look at the matter more widely ...
(Y many not have the patience to bring depreciation end; and they again pass on conflict communication style; they resemble players who playing gambitny option, where you have to sacrifice several pieces, only one sacrifice, and then scared to continue. H on then and the first victim becomes meaningless! There was increased amortization to end! - ML)
I I wondered himself Me! Before I do not suffered would and minutes such gratuitous insults, and then I tolerated, and most interestingly, the farther away, the easier it became to hear them (and get used to the cold water -. ML). A later I and I had stopped paying attention to them. I just smiled! And insults gradually becoming less evil, a then and completely stopped. H ultiple days lasted puzzled silence. Then It began the long-awaited serious conversation. And he brought his results! spoke we have a lot of days said quietly. When she raised her voice, I She fell silent, and smiling, and her tone changed. Although in the end we parted, it was peaceful and calm.
H eplohaya Job, although or workshop, but for novice psychological warfare techniques learned quite well! The question arises, a why they broke up? Mechanisms such an outcome will be discussed in more detail other series of books. A few examples of the depreciation in the family life. H and reception to to me I came factory worker F. He complained on insomnia, mood him I was depressed. It is connected with the fact that relations with his wife reached before extreme degrees conflict. Both It was quick-tempered, scandals. Once, unable to bear the insults wives, he beat her. It was called the police, and F. was sentenced to 15 days. After this episode, the wife I began to row yet stronger, and he has let himself this not could So he was afraid conviction on even longer, especially since his wife more than once threatened it do. Abusive it actually does not provoke the same. Having trained depreciation, F. I understood how to behave. AND one day, when wife sent him... (at distant road with the exact addresses) calmly he said he would go back with pleasure, if it will indicate how to drive traffic, and give the money to travel. My wife was speechless. For the first time years She set the table and invited the AF to dinner. H ochyu he calmly went to sleep without medication. awakened It was an alarm clock. When he came to me to receive a second time, I danced for joy.
Often conflicts maturing between children and adults occur due the fact that children want more independence, while parents try to maintain a commanding position.
look here story T., 35 years old, whose 13-year-old daughter out of obedience. Brought up without her father's daughter, tried to daughter this not felt took care of her, etc. Daughter by this time began to refuse from classes at music school, toilets require that It was them not I mean, like uncontrolled use of time, etc.
· After learning the principle of depreciation when erupted another scandal at communication from unwillingness go to music school, I I decided to act in accordance with the acquired knowledge. I calmly invited the daughter of a conversation and told her about the following:
· Lena, you're right, I understand that you're an adult. From today I am giving you complete freedom. The only request - when you're gone a long time, say when you get back.
She is I agreed not knowing what was coming. I decided use one of rules Depreciation: «H E of the proposed their services. helps when did their case. " On the same day she went to her friend and He returned late.
When daughter came back, I was already in bed. She asked feed her, a I offered her to take the food itself. bread in house not it turned out. I recalled on that did not have time. The daughter began to reproach me, on Thu I her I do not like that I was a bad mother, etc. It was hard, but I agree with the all its assertions. Then I began myself to say that her mother was not lucky. AT such wrestling, where all the time I gave way, last month seven. AT eventually without instructions daughter took the initiative, herself distributes duties. I was assigned the role of the cook:
· Mom, you're the best cook.
She is I cleaned the apartment, doing small purchases. Most laundry we did together, the little things she washed herself. Gradually daughter to mend relations with her friends in the class. She became calmer, more confident in themselves. In a year found a work at co-op, which made toys. I helped her learn the process. So I decided the issue with her wardrobe. H and He began to earn it myself. In the summer of next year, with the money we bought her a ticket To camp. After returning, I noticed that my daughter sat down at the piano. She told me, what at camp befriended from Man of another cities. We agreed to correspond and to meet the next year, and can be used. So first love came to my daughter. I was pleased, what she shared with me. If I had, I doubt I could have not changed be for the daughter of a friend. I completely ceased to command, I just obeyed.
Yet more serious are Conflicts when children become adults, but parents continue to actively intervene in their lives.
Teenager at age 15 years, always rough boy, serious, active, engaged at sport school and supply big Hope suddenly carried away Girl 18 years. He became late return home missing training worse study at school. Girl, from which he met had a great sexual experience, which also frightened parents. the son said, that he loved her, that he was already an adult and knows what him do. beliefs, scandals the effect is not allowed. Mother constantly I cried, father I was depressed: him must It was soon to go into swimming, a mother I had put in the hospital. Depreciation father spent:
· Son, I'm sorry that we interfere in your life. We somehow missed that you I have grown. You really know better and nobler life in us. And you can love better. Indeed, what does it matter that it senior and already It has a sexual experience? May be, this even better. By comparing you with others, your fiancee will be loyal to you.
H e I will describe the amazement of his son. Relationship finally were adjusted days across three. The mother, too, has mastered the technique of depreciation and a week later He was discharged from the hospital in good condition.
· Conflicts in-law poisoned my life. I already can not look at her husband, soon I will take all the love - with emotion and tears on eyes B. says - pretty woman of 36 years, came to school in a group. - We are married 12 years, daughter of II years, and in-law interferes in all my affairs, although we We are living separately. For any misunderstanding she says, that her son could take a woman and younger, and more beautiful, and economic and smarter ... It comes to screams, tears, tantrums like mine, and with her hand.
TO occupations she is started from enthusiasm. Across week she is He has told:
· AT Saturday morning all went into the garden, and we have to mother in law remained on the farm. I like something wrong with her point of view, removed the bed, and she once remarked, that her son could have chosen a much better wife. I'm here the same from it agreed adding what he could would take his wife not only more economic, but and prettier, smarter, younger, etc. spoke quietly. I have remembered, she reproached me before, and transferred its limitations and dignity husband. Eyes mother in law widened I felt what she lost orientation. H e said a word, she included TV and absently the guise of became watch it. Soon her It was shivering. She threw on Plaid themselves. An hour and a half, citing head pain, lay down on the sofa.
Here we from you witness highly interesting phenomenon, which
illustrates the relationship of conflict, emotions with internal organs and her role at
preservation health. Mother-in-VA because of which I tell several
below, was all time at a position to constant emotional
voltage, which usually accompanied release at blood excess
adrenaline and other substances. Normally, they are necessary for us, spent in
course of business. Sometimes they collect in large numbers, and
their decomposition required specially intensive activity. If this
Activities not, in some pressure starts to rise from other hurts
stomach and etc. here is why not scandal So unpleasant as this can
appear. In the conflict, especially flowing violently is
energy discharge that brings temporary relief. H ome
even fall asleep at once after the conflict, and then, remembering say, what
relish quarreling.
Any, even the most interesting work in the body that causes or else
voltage. "Overheating" of the body. The best "cooler" is an
joy love. And if it does not exist? Then comes to the rescue conflict. So,
best prevention conflict-love. Now you understandably, why
conflicts in-law of our heroine? That's right, she lived all a life without love, compensating her conflict, and when deprived of this substitute, she became ill.
When my students are coming out with the help of the depreciation of the conflict, their
partners often it getting worse. H eredko they themselves celebrated at
itself a state of depression, as suddenly they found that them
getting not interested communicate with their previous partners. H ichego
wrong with that. For a while, you (if you come to us) support
group, and then have your loved ones positive changes begin, and they
again gain for you interest yet more, So as you themselves
contributed so change. H on if it not occurs, you
parted painlessly for of both sides. For you will begin new interesting a life, partner to find another conflict time they he needed. And if he wants you back, then turn to you and depreciation to learn a technique. Consider the situation of rupture of relations. I was invited to consultation in the neurological department to M. - 46 years old woman. She is I could not walk and stand, though in bed legs made movement at full. It was a functional paralysis of the lower limbs associated not the death nerve cells and their inhibition. Such paralysis usually develops After a spiritual experience, it is one of symptoms of neurosis and with proper treatment goes unnoticed. She is the same ill about eight months. The treatment effect did not give.
Here is a brief history of it.
Eight months ago the husband unexpectedly announced to her that at
it there is other woman, and with her he will divorce. In M. here the legs were paralyzed, she sobbed aloud, tearing her hair. Reproached him that dedicated him its a life, He refused from Total, He graduated only technical, but it - working - brought to the chief engineer. children at them It was not his fault, but that did not matter to her. They took on the education of his son. However, the husband remained steadfast, has filed for divorce and divorced. They continued to live in the same apartment, but as neighbors.
In time conversation she wept. It is soothing for long. In addition, managed to to find out that she worked as a secretary at a large administrator and greatly contributed to the promotion of her husband. Intimacy for her great values do not have, but did not cause disgust. Now she wanted, no matter what, to her husband returned to the family.
AT accordance with the principle of depreciation I agreed her help but I asked, will be able whether she is play a role by scenario, which the we together we form. She agreed, and we started working.
before all she needed to know that her break with husband He wore a natural character and came out of their relationship. You, dear reader, have completely clear, that our heroine was a "psychological mother " for her husband. He received the "education" of her. And when he was promoted by service, all psychological energy in mostly there and left, and sexy dissatisfaction is not particularly felt because as all strength left on "climb". When he reached a certain social status, release the energy required application. Quite naturally, he found a friend who satisfy this need.
H asa heroine It was a very intelligent woman. She saw the light literally eyes. Instantly She stopped crying face took thoughtful, sad expression. A Most importantly, she regained movement at feet. She got and She began to walk around the ward. Lay it has become not need -n oyavilos business. we together developed a scenario discussed details her behavior. On Saturday I let her go to trial a vacation home and began to look wait for the results.
When we met, I realized that no trace of the disease. M. It was cheerful, cheerful, eyes glittering, she barely was maintained laughing. Here is her story in brief.
· When I entered "with all the parade" in an apartment, a little worried, as I was not quite sure I can play a role. Honestly, I was afraid that he would not act the way we planned, and at I have nothing not out. H on when she saw him surprised and confused person calmed down. I began to speak, his eyes rounded and more more, and when finished, there was nothing he could not answer me. I same not waiting for he speak, she went to her room. That's about it, what she is He said to him:
· You did the right thing, that I gave up, I have grown old, became a bad hostess, all while you teach, and most importantly - was not able to give you Togo, that is to give a man a woman in an intimate relationship. I thank you for everything good that you gave me. They say time heals all wounds. It's hard for me till at believe it. H of this does not matter. I look forward to your happiness.
Want pay attention to the psychological content of the ending. The word "while" indicates that the door is not always open.
TO which results depreciation? Human cleans their thorns. Psychological fight learn to accept partner together all his qualities, like a rose, and taking a flower and thorns. H ADO to learn not to bump into thorns partner a only deal with flower. H Necessity also remove their spines.
let's return to husband our the heroine. is he communicates with his beloved. To good person gets used pretty quickly. Whether there is a thorns his passion? Of course have! And when he stumbles on them, at him memory pops up a conversation with his wife, he left. Think of her monologue. After all in him You can read, and hope for improvement of sexual relations. is he will again be think about her. H e can be, so he made no attempt to return! So I calmly wait for the next weekend.
passed another output. They did not talk much, but it is clear was that he It became softer. Then she told him to bring them to live in an apartment mistress.
· Since we broke up, why do you suffer?
He looked at Mikhail with great interest and said:
· H euzheli you think I'm such a beast?
A week later she was with an expression of mock horror said:
· You know, he probably soon come back!
· Why do you think so?
· He began to go to the kitchen in his underpants, as it was before. Most offers to help.
· H y and fine, - I said - as required!
· H is enough, 22 years I have lived with this puppet, but no more!
Example graphically shows that holding, nothing not reach, hold, you can return. Another rule: when threw then returned he often It becomes unnecessary. Than this explain that? During learning receptions psychological warfare at learner going personal growth, and his partner there. It becomes uninteresting for all his Actions are calculated easily, seen their automatism. If the relationship not completely broken, gradually there is a reorganization partner. When fully violated their relationship is recovered rarely. One more example.
Man 46 years old, a teacher of one of the Rostov technical universities (called PA) came to see me in a very depressed state. Three of the month ago wife, returning from a trip to friends reported that leaves him for another who divorces his wife, that for a long time already belonged to the man with sympathy, even when he lived in Rostov. A here as it came inspiration: they realized that they could not live friend without the other.
P. heavy I worried about the news, because it is very fond of wife, children I did not think life without them. He tried to persuade her. He asked not to rush make the final solution offered to spend some time with subject his love, make sure, what this really true decision, and already then do the divorce process. The eldest daughter of 14 years, with tears in his eyes said that although it is very fond of, but also to live with his mother. The youngest daughter of 6 years remained with the mother automatically.
The situation at the institute he was also not stable, as him failed defend a thesis, although he was considered a talented mathematician and the beginning him scientific and teaching career evolved highly successfully. After working after graduation, a teacher in school at for five years, he took on the chair of mathematics senior laboratory assistant, a then became a teacher, quickly mastered the pedagogical process, there has been a scientific theme operation. It was regarded as a rising star, and outgoing on retire Head of the Department said openly that wanted to see P. his successor.
AT this time, P. carried away one third-year student, his future wife. He was struck by the beauty of the girl and her admiration for him. They explained in love and married. She has previously had sexual experience. H about love To her became even more after he learned that his future wife I was a victim of deception. For To avoid unwanted talk (her adhered family old traditions), he made his razor light snip on hand during the wedding night after a noisy wedding.
Later he started with the failure of his thesis. My wife was not very a good housekeeper, and many ordinary women took care of it on yourself, the more after graduation wife soon became the head of production, a then Deputy Director of small business. It was at his friend, is he have worked professor of philosophy in the same university. AND when he was asked escape on party work he I agreed. becoming close nomenklatura, he moved with his family in another city. That's something to it, and left the wife of our hero.
Analysis the situation shows that there was a P. "psychological father "for his spouses, and married life was his compensation failures at work. Break their relationship was a natural. I am aware of is his wife, or not, it does not matter. H on it is clear that to marry him she came not for love, but hoped on him career. H on its own style behavior at family interfered with her husband's career. Rupture occurred at a time when it became apparent what success husband not achieve. Here come the "new to it love". skilled on psychological fight it is clear that the nomenclature employee could achieve success and thanks to the care of their wives. When the same he reached the desired, at it appeared need at secular life. H etrudno suggest that when these "psychological children" come together, the their Union will be unstable, because each of them is used to "pull the blanket over himself."
P. all this must It was to realize himself. Speak him about this It was premature. Moreover, the state of AP was quite heavy. When he began to speak, he could hardly contain the tears choking him. we We decided to write letter. Can you guess what was its content. Yes, there he scolded himself behind their dignity, and his wife praised for defects He gave s full will, while leaving the door open. The letter he gave her before her trip to her mother. He himself refused to go:
· I have to withdraw from you.
Wife returned ahead of schedule. It was at a loss. H and all her questions, he calmly gave depreciation answers. Gradually, it became clear character their relations in marriage, the whole situation is cleared up. Wife It is becoming more irritated. This irritation was poured on children. She is I began to negotiate P. in the eyes of the eldest daughter, she has ceased to care about younger. Across three days older daughter said it will remain with the Pope. The youngest cried and said he did not want someone else's uncle.
P., that distract, I became, Besides Togo, do physical exercise. health it gradually improved. The wife continued to make trouble, but he remained more or less calm. when children switched on his direction and he He stated that the court will insist on Tom, that children remained with him, she told him that the youngest daughter, not from him, but from whom she is He is now going to marry. He suffered it and said her about the following:
· Can It is, she is not my daughter, I called on her and raised blood I love.
Besides Togo, I do not understand why you want to look in my eyes worse, than there actually. I know that without love you would not have entered anyone in intimate relationships and even more could not be immediately with two.
When wife tried to resume sexual relations, said P., what he human proud, continues to love her, but because of the mercy him sexual intimacy is not necessary. He will be able to go for it in the event that he will take her love for what he believes enough, or if it will come back to love it at what he expects, for still considers all happening from their obsession, which can be explained only by the turmoil in her work and his careless attitude toward it.
condition P. continued improve. once he awoke cheerful, fresh:
· I all of a sudden I saw the green leaves and blue sky. He felt the need to return to scientific work. My God, what and who I killed life!
AT further it was still a lot of things: divorce, hysterical wife and m. p. of H on in all situations, even unpleasant, he behaved decently, I was guided in what is happening. And everywhere he helped amortization.
Summary
Depreciation applicable at public life pas production, family relations and in terms of their decay. It is necessary to:
1.Prinimat the whole person, taking care not to stumble on its spines.
2.Dovodit depreciation up to the end, to be able to wait for the result.
3. H as the initial stages of learning to write "letters to the depreciation."
4.Prezhde than to sever relations, to establish them.
4. COMA H Dov OR PODCHIHYATSYA? (Special H About EXECUTIVE)
Expensive Gentlemen! I suspect that with this head you and started reading book. It's not bad! Because it is best remembered last thing. H on if you read all in order, too, well, because what and first memorized the best thing. Incidentally, it should be taken into account, at drafting speeches, reports and speeches and the most important provisions in place beginning or at end. H about if you want to remember all of your speech, should possess Focus emotion simulation method, about than at we will speech at next book. She is So and will be be called - "Targeted simulation of emotions (psychological diet)."
Lord leaders entrepreneurs bankers, managers, administrators, politicians and public figures, that is, all those, who are the first persons in the collective!
Remember that you are in it primarily a psychologist, even if hold in state psychologist and psychological service, for exactly you are building a psychological climate. From your business skills depends whether successes and from your his psychological skills depends on how these successes easily-achieved or with great emotional stress. If you still obtained easily, you can stop reading. If you come home and you forget its production, if at you no insomnia, internal emotional stress, if you are never covered in impotent rage and fury not compressed fists, then you can also postpone the book. If you have never rises pressure, heart does not hurt, it does not torment ulcer stomach and if you internally worry before serious business conversation or public performance, what for for nothing to spend time on reading? Better walk in the fresh air or enjoy some fun experience!
H on if, communicating from wife (or my wife), you think about receipt
loan a during view soundtrack remember, what not all
He explained to his assistant, who goes on a business trip, and rush
to phone if in the sauna you think about one of your substituents on
whom must not rely on, because he messes, and during dance - about
Lawyers who instead of helping you, puts a spoke in the wheel
a you can not get rid of him, because he knows all the law, if at the meeting
you tell interesting things, and you do not listen, if you want to become
President or to receive the Nobel Prize, then try honor yet
Little. It was this at 1983 city One of leaders Institute
improvements specialists higher link addressed to us behind
advice. Students, who came on two-x- three-month training,
allowed currently abuse alcohol, violated discipline hostel, passed classes. Then they asked for forgiveness, gave the word, what more it not again. Their forgave, but drinking like a snowball It is growing, disorganizing the pedagogical process. Two people even had to submit to a psychiatric hospital for the relief of drinking bouts, and before five percent of students expelled for drunkenness.
After consultation with me cycles leaders in the introductory interview said something like this: "Dear colleagues! You are adults and nurture you, we are not going to! We have a number of rules that must be observed. One of them It is as follows. If we become aware (the word "known" are required) about drunkenness cadet, he will expelled. rule at we observed like in chess: "Took - go."
At first they did not believe. We had two expelled. Expulsion held as follows manner. cadets They said: "I you I sympathize, to me very unfortunate that it happened. Evil me you do not. arrive at the next time. H and production we report not re going. the cause invent deductions themselves. " Binge drinking has stopped. In any case, manual I did not know about it.
Analysis of the growth of the episode. Previously, teachers with students behaved in style P-D. Naturally, povospityvat their charges, they their We forgive. After consultation communication It followed the line B-B. Students even not thought Apologize. They usually say, "Yes, we understand you."
Yet
one
example.
In January
A
Now
look here
its history.
Sick
successfully
studied,
graduated from agricultural college I became fairly quickly move on
service.
In 27
years
he
already
It was
chief agronomist large
grain farm
Rostov Region.
"It
It was
Golden time.
I have
It was
his
lot
work
and the rest does not concern me, although I was the deputy position
director of the farm. "
When his boss in
AT
not He addressed. TO top 1988 city already ached a heart. H arastala
irritability, sleep worsened. The sleepless nights led mental conversations
with his offenders "From above" and negligent subordinates. AT the farm by
complaints often work conflicts Commission itself P. He pleaded from district
newspaper for libel against him.
ill
P.
9
November
meetings appeared severe pain in the heart. Because the from local
doctor He had conflicting relations, he appealed for help in the district
hospital, Where suspected myocardial infarction. A few days when
pain at heart somewhat subsided, for further treatment was translated at
Regional Clinical Hospital. Pain in the heart did not stop almost month,
although infarction was not detected. In mid-December they had passed, but the beginning
strong headache, almost due headaches P. could not sleep. FROM
suspected on tumor head of the brain sick entered at clinic
Neurosurgery, and then to us.
Two weeks have gone only to convince P. that reason his illness in lifestyle and the style of leadership. It is hard to prove to me that with "the people all this used is useless. " H on the not less I attend a training group. Gradually scepsis left, and he I became intensively learn techniques of psychological aikido.
allow himself small deviation from Topics. Lord leaders consider, that you are smarter and more informed of their subordinates. I I noticed that Many leaders, like our hero, angry that the staff did not immediately understand them. Now it is clear to you, do not be mad at them, it is necessary to help them understand. Remember history of great discoveries. In his approval they go through three stages: the first - "this can not be, because there can never be" second - "this is something there," and the third - "only So and it should be! "So, if you really come up with something completely new, it must meet fierce resistance from above and tacit rejection below. If your idea all enthusiastically accepted means at There is nothing fundamentally new. That is why our hero for two weeks did not agree to move to a new style of communication, which is why, when I come to you, the nine first of ten do not give consent for the organization section psychological Aikido in his team. And if to me Can not someone to talk although to six months, I think it's a great success. A refusal to accept easy, because they are natural.
H on return to P. When it is imbued with the idea of psychological aikido and seized some techniques for Saturday and Sunday he It was released in trial holiday for "Field tests." AT Monday I I listened to his enthusiastic report.
"AT Saturday, I gathered all the meeting, noted that the positive, what happened done and thanked the performers. Then I asked forgiven Ia at about-stand of his deputies because he did not fulfill a number of relatively simple work: "If I were you all this should be explained to both, - I said to him calmly and very quiet - you would certainly have done everything. " And I once again told to than the essence of the order. H ADO to see him at this time! is he blanched, then covered with spots, and for some time he could not utter a word. Then, stammering, I explained highly intelligible cause failure. H on The most interesting and unexpected for me was then what other participants become repent at their sins. meeting the past surprisingly quickly and productively without conventional hassle. I got deep satisfaction. Slaves were also satisfied. Earlier, after meeting them went and quarreling with each other, but now every once He engaged in the business. "
H etrudno noted what here It was used reception Preventive depreciation. If P. began accusing his deputy, the the would I began to make excuses. Here PA and agreed in advance with his arguments.
AND here's a pretty good example of preventive depreciation. with I consulted the commander of the building, which served as my son. The commander of the strong-willed plan, shouted, threatened the offender when emergencies put on trial. He begged forgiveness and promised that more will not be. After two sessions psychological aikido commander, after having spent investigation, caused the next infringer, seated him, I gave a cigarette, questioned at him how things are going, a then calm, low voice She said: "I you really appreciate. You're a good guy, but you He committed an illegal act, and I have to refer the case to the prosecutor. Hopefully, everything will be. I will be sorry if you will condemn. " Soldier nothing He said and dejectedly left the office. H ultiple days offenses did not have. Commander actions were unexpected for the soldiers. All commander discussed the behavior and wondered what all of this is now expected.
Equipment depreciation is and at basis regulations, Carnegie formulated: "The idea is to belong to the partner." Many observe it, when it is about officer or of the person on whom they depend. H on it acts more effectively when dealing with subordinates. The problem is formulated generally form, and partners are invited to solve it. All offers reasonably rejected before those long till he did not express your opinion. At first I have practiced this technique on his son. It looked like a dialogue, when one day I decided to play with him at checkers.
I am Boris, we have free time. What to do?
Son: And what if the drive in football?
I am a good idea, but you know something my legs ache a bit.
Son: What if a game of chess?
Me: Yes, the head of some stale after work.
Son: How about a domino?
I am Boris, well, we're intelligent people!
Son: H y, I do not know that we still have!
I: H at, think about it.
Son: And let's play checkers.
I am a brilliant idea! What you're done!
H about if I offered this son could refuse.
Soon to me It failed to apply this method in practice. AT those time
syringes sterilized at sterilizers and not at flame cabinets, and Now sanitary epidemic station filed a number of claims to a method sterilization. I thought about everything I I decided to switch to the method of S. H I'm it did not offer, and, outlined the essence problems, asked staff council. The meeting was held as follows.
M .: Let's handle method A.
I: This is a very good way, but the fact is that as ingredient withdrawn from
production as outdated. It's a pity, good a drug, early at We disclaim approved drugs. And if something goes wrong, we do not understand.
K .: What if you try in a way?
I: process In? Better than you can imagine! H of the matter is that import
ingredient supply discontinued.
G .: Perhaps a way to fit C?
I: (after some hesitation): Yes, I think this is then what at
present moment fit most! thank all behind participation in the discussion.
Please Attention. I nobody scolded, a He praised all. Here was used reception identification which the usually unites team. participants meeting, even badly related to G., thought about the following: «H y, so if this fool could think of, I at following just come up with something even more valuable! "This method of stimulating productive activity. And further. If anyone had suggested a way to D, which is better than C, and to which I had not, I would have quietly accepted. H about after I had already expressed my opinion, give it to me it would be difficult.
Many leaders used the reception wrong, setting up a team against themselves. "Why are you late today?" - threateningly at asks all Head of the subordinate. H as a stupid question should be silly answer: "Transport poorly attended" A whole team is thinking about the following:
"Well it on a personal machine, and would have thought, what is us!" And all sit with scowl. I do not blame you for personal car, I know that it you needed. I'm for you. You have the most harmful production, expensive my heads! I just I show what thoughts and feelings occur his subordinates at your psychologically unreasonable actions and statements. Maybe you can help the following rule: "Praise It should be for all, and curse - one on one. "
A Now I I want to offer you a small task. You make room section chief (head. Department head. Laboratory, etc.) and you want to make this place took H. What are your actions?
TO Unfortunately, until now the majority of managers are hired to responsible positions of employees, without resorting to psychologists. at this are taken in attention to rumors, advice, first the impression is sometimes - business quality and all not counted him personality traits.
So it was with a large head, who took on the job very qualified lawyer, with which he could within the law to enter into favorable for Company contracts. H on lawyer It was rather conflict personality. For a while, everything went well, but then relationship soured, and legal action began to slow down the work institutions. The struggle between the leader and lawyer, for that pleasure as the battle bulls, I watched the whole team. Head was fully knocked out out of a rut, sometimes I held back, switched to cry voltage subsided and at home, At this point he turned to me for advice.
A Now listen, he acted according to our plan. is he invited yet one lawyer and his partner by conflict I said something like: "Dear II, the amount of work we have grown, and I I took another a lawyer who will deal with the most light and mostly current business, sophisticated I'll pass you. You will be engaged and legal support of our long-term plans "(a kind of "pass to the side"). H Al "Konfliktant" actually remained out of work and soon He became the object ridicule of the whole team. Head also praised him only:
"For us the most important thing - your thought. If you have only one valuable idea will express the year, and even then we will not be for nothing. We can already afford to keep at collective creative person, "etc., etc. All offers "konfliktanta" accepted, but execution their postponed indefinitely time, and to discuss brought and other team members. Across two from half months they were submitted statement the dismissal.
Want tell you yet how one teacher fought late using technique preventive depreciation. When he became acquainted with the group, then on the first lecture made the following statement: "I understand your difficulties I know a poor job of transport. therefore on my lectures be late can. I kindly request: at lateness do not wait break, enter in the audience quietly, not stealthily that not to attract attention, and take the empty seat. H e did not apologize and excuses. Time you too late, then, at you It was a respectful reason. Why waste time on unnecessary explanations? "
must be Mark, what this teacher lectures read highly
fascinatingly, already from the first seconds entirely capturing listeners.
opazdat, to quickly enter the state of affairs, asked the neighbors about what is speech. They are angry whisper, so that it could be heard all They advised him not to be late. Do you recognize the reception of identification, which unites the team here against violators. H e must be no slogans, better call the partners in communication of great interest to him and his cause!
AND latest subject, which I I wanted would touch - public speaking. I had to consult in the last election campaign, ten candidates for deputies. They were clever and sensible people everyone has at them It was good programs, all of them knew his a business. H on they are psychologically illiterate built their speech, reaching exactly the opposite effect.
H e I will detail the techniques of oratory. I guess devote this Related a separate book. Here, in terms of psychological aikido just want to list the main points.
H e scold its rival. "If you vote behind H., the You can not go wrong. is he smog to achieve for himself five-room apartment. After becoming deputy and received power, it will do the same for you. "
himself scold for dignity. "I outlined the ten action points, but in two cases, I, unfortunately, was unable to bring the case to its logical conclusion. "
H e repeat the mistake of one of my clients. H e interrupt the questioner! Let him speak until the end. H e is important that you, yes and the other participants, it has long been understood. It is important that it is understood that you have it We understood. Usually meetings and meetings of the questions asked by people, or very clever or very stupid. The first asked few questions, and these questions are short. Second ask many questions, and those questions long. That's something they need to hear and with great patience. H and your party will be the one who asked the question, and who I listened. The one who asked the question will be grateful what you be heard before end. Those who listened to your answer, will be surprised your patience.
Keep in mind that most of your audience - women and the success and victory will of those they will take sides. Therefore, you need to demonstrate a good awareness of women's issues.
Instead resume
But the solution of the problem.
You: We make room shop superintendent. What are the proposals?
A .: I think that would suit M.
You: Yes, this very energetic worker, but he no enough
experience.
B .: And that, if you assign D.?
You: He knows the production, but did not know how to get along with people.
Q .: I would suggest O.
You: He is a good singer, but we need a creative worker.
D .: And what about H.?
You (after some hesitation): Yes, it's an interesting idea (Pause 20-30
seconds). Yes Yes. This is a suitable candidate, Thank you for the discussion.
If withdraw present at "their" candidacy fails, it can be ask question: "And how do you see in H. quality candidate for the position?"
Surprise
In addition there is depreciation superamortizatsiya. Principle: Stress himself the quality that you attributed to the communication partner.
In the bus:
Female (man, Skip to content her forward at bus but giving her a little): I bear!
Man (with a smile): H ADO even a goat named.
A .: You are a fool!
B .: H e only a fool, but a bastard! So beware!
at "psychologically stroking "and inviting cooperate this
reception better do not use. Usually superamortizatsiya stops conflict immediately. I wish you well! Until we meet again in the pages of new books!
From the collection of Alexey Kelmakova
FidoNet 2: 5050 / 13.59
Comments
Commenting, keep in mind that the content and the tone of your messages can hurt the feelings of real people, show respect and tolerance to his interlocutors, even if you do not share their opinion, your behavior in terms of freedom of speech and anonymity offered by the Internet, is changing not only virtual, but real world. All comments are hidden from the index, spam control.