My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Americans also need peace!
And all desirable ...
They - potency, and we?
The girl - the whole world.
The woman - not the whole.
Past military office I walk with head held high moronic!
The contest for the best short course Freud won the phrase: "Libido - a shmuck consciousness" ...
Loneliness - is when you always know who nasvinyachil in the kitchen.
What kind of love are we talking about, if there is no desire even to fuck her?
Selling sheepskin leather young leatherette.
The heart of man consists of two ventricles: one - for the vodka, the other - for a snack.
If the middle of the rope to tie a bottle of vodka, then pull the rope will be much more exciting.
If the thoughts wander, it's time to overtake.
New "Chappy" tasteful Pavlov - for dogs who remember.


Every year, a princess more and more tormented by headaches. The princess grew up - and no crown ...

Whatever you say, but men still do everything better than women. Here Sergei Zverev own example proved that all blondes are fools.

- My husband is probably a Muslim. I come home at six in the morning, and he told me - Wrong, wrong ...

- How to become a successful person? - You now go to the toilet? - Yes ... - Successfully ?!

There is a very good way to get in touch by phone with the most inaccessible by any person. Call us, let's say, the reception the Minister. The secretary asked who was calling. You say so menacingly: - tell him that my husband is calling - he knows someone!

- Holmes, how did you ... Dogadov - Elementary, Watson. - This is your deductive again ... - No it is a guess.

- Girl, but you can not get acquainted with you?

The young woman in a sex shop chooses long dildo, then immediately buys five pieces. Seller: - Tell me, why do you need so much? The lady (a little embarrassed): - I like, you know, random links ...

The girl at the reception: - Doctor! I have to recharge the film! - You have something to confuse! This is not a shop or even a circus! - You do not understand, my dear! I need to restore your virginity!

- On, skushtuy! Tilki not viplovuvay! Very hard to Yazikov. Vidchuvaish bulbashki? Tse carbide!

- Honey, I started to talk with the chair for breakfast with tea. Zaych uk, if you did not call me, I enter into the serious relationship with a vacuum cleaner !!!

- The sex hormone - the most powerful hallucinogen! - Justify. - Before you is an ordinary bitch, and he shows you a sweet and gentle creature ...



The user - a person coming to rake Maker - novice, never step on a rake and rake so confident that there is no Lamer - user, regularly step on a rake, but remains confident that there is no rake. The narrow specialist - the user, in fluent stepping on the same rake Wide expert - the user having on the forehead more than two cones. Programmer - one for someone stepping on a rake in the most important result. Charter stepping on other people's rake, it produces its own. Advanced Programmer - programmer, coming on every rake no more than two times. Copyright - the concept of limiting the amount available for stepping rake financial capabilities of the user. Gamer - one for someone stepping on a rake in the most important process. Usually not able to make their own rakes. Cheater - kind of gamer; It occurs only on the rake with foam nozzles on the handle, and usually not more than once. The hacker - the one who is able to step on the rake, even if they are hidden in the barn and shut the castle. Hacker idealist - a noble fighter for the right of each step on an unlimited number of rake. The Microsoft - Corporation, a worldwide leader in the production rake Bill Gates - a mythical creature from the programmers' folklore; an evil spirit - the patron of the rake. Upgrade - a permanent process of spending money to buy all new rakes, each of which hit harder earlier. The beta version - the version in which the rake can be seen with the naked eye. Release - version, which rakes sprinkled with leaves. Compatible versions - the principle of allowing the new rake fall precisely on the cone of the previous ones. Assembler - programming language that allows you to step on a rake several million times per second. Local Area Network - a technology that allows to obtain on the forehead, even when it's someone else on the same rake. Internet - a technology that allows you to step on the rake, which are on the other side of the globe

Overseas heifer - mite, but the ruble transportation ... and two customs clearance. When a girl is like a bun - that I want to try it, and when it looks like a dough - you think: how much to get her buns? Man has always believed in a miracle, especially when the push button on the ATM "Balance inquiry" ... Once this match? "Bittner" only help you find the time! If you feel a man, you've become a woman. To successfully cry, you just failed to make a joke. Make a fool to suck dick - so herself lip roll ... If you can not dirty curse, there is only a clean cloth. A new gay club for dogs "blue stone". Most funny creatures in the world - it's crocodiles and bosses. They are laughing at us to tears!

- Girl, and you love animals? - This is how to understand - you make me an offer?

- Expensive - you are beautiful as these flowers! - I thought I was beautiful, like a golden bracelet. - No! You're as beautiful as the flowers !!!

On May 7 radio operator Kate was away from Berlin, away from neighbors and friends ... They are ambiguous congratulations on the radio frightened her.

- Hey, Bush! - Hello, Nuts! - And where BRAIN !!?

Finally Invented a perpetual motion machine! It works outrageously simple: a round wooden wheel inside which runs Duncan MacLeod.

On the date a woman-a pessimist, seeing his pants unbuttoned, he concludes - dressing, forgot to fasten ... optimist: "Ha already unbuttoned!".

- Count up - go down the street, and some asshole shoulder hurts me so - and, most importantly, did not stop, did not apologize! - Well, you che ?! - Well, I'm Che - stopped, sorry ...

- Somebody will remove the skeleton, Morrison? - This is the skeleton of a maid, sir, there is no one to clean it!

- Honey, do not you think that our son was spending too much time in the bathroom? - Honey, he's our plumber!

- Girls! Remember that on a first date importantly - do not snore!

- They broke my heart, they spat in my soul, they trampled Sun g me ... - Yes, for I, the simple masochist, so happy !!!

- Hello! This phone sex? - Yes! And you will pay dearly for these words ...

At that time, as other people have discovered the Caribbean, Fiji and Australia, the Russian opened the New Earth, Alaska and Antarctica ...

- Numb heart in sweet pain, jet curl on his shoulder. I write to you, what else ?! - LOL! Peshy ischo!

One man tells another that he was a friend of a girl cry ke "Countess". - It must have been all of a such aristocratic? - No, she was in a tavern in a drunken brawl on the head with a carafe hit ...

The original ballet based on Krylov's fable "Dragonfly and the Ant" staged at the Mariinsky Theatre. Text fable left unchanged, and the ballet itself begins, after the words: "... So go and I will dance the same!".

- I princess, - modestly said frog and tenderly clutching an arrow accidentally farted ... ... and turned into a girl ... Red red.

- Hello, dear viewers, broadcast television program "Jungle" ... So, welcome our participants. Hello, crocodile! - I'm not a crocodile - I'm a panda .. - No, the girl - you crocodile ...

The farm "Shining Path" the chickens lay eggs refuse, citing the fact that only last hours they are worn cement and bricks ...

The man on the operating table: - Doctor, you have not forgotten about anesthesia? - Anesthesia ?! Why do you need anesthesia? You'll see what I'm doing with you - he shut down in ishsya ...

The guy with the girl swears. - You fool! - Fool! - Idiot! - Idiot! - Goat! - Goat! - Kretinka! - Nerd! - Shit! - Sam shit! - Gargona! - Ha .... - Tears. Guys - do not go too far, why give cause for tears.

The new edition of the list of the richest men in America, Michael Jackson is no longer mentioned. But there appeared a new face - the lawyer of Michael Jackson.

- Boys, everyone says that I - pig. And what's that? - Alice, you do not pig - you're blonde, remember! A better write it down!

He was in the restaurant. I ate fish caught at me. The only pity is that it is quickly asked to back into the water ...

- I would like to thank the guys who beat me in Chera in the metro ... THANKS - I now exempt!

The elevator comes to a man. Behind him a woman runs out of breath. - Up or down? - Politely interested in the man. She lifts up her skirt - Down.

When I was born, I had a choice - to become a boy or a girl ... I chose the first one! It is better to finish sucking in one year, you start at 14.

From life. As a six year old daughter love to confess his anecdote: - Do you know why a goat so sad eyes? - No, I do not know ... - Because her husband is a goat! In her naive, childish face - not a shadow of a smile. And after a brief pause: - Well, it is what I wanted?

- Why is a woman's breast - a secondary sexual characters and the male member - primary? - Because the two tits and dick - one!

Newlyweds married for two weeks. Her husband, though very in love, can not wait to get away - poguzhevatsya with old pals. - Dear, I'll be back straight right now ... - Where are you going, my Kusi-Musi? - Yes, in a bar, attractive face ... drink beer ... - You want a beer, darling? She opened the refrigerator and showed him 25 different specialty beers from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Australia, etc. He did not know what to say - and the only thing that occurred to him: - But ... but my candy bar ... they have frozen beer mugs! He did not finish the sentence. - You want a frozen mug, my puppy? She pulled out of the freezer a giant beer mug - so cold that almost kept her. His face took on an expression of the bucket. - And ... uh ... my ... hlopotushechka but the bar such salt licks, a gourmet zakuson ... I quickly! Straight back and forth ... okay? - Do you want a snack, Uchi-dregs? She pulled out of the oven 15 zakuson dishes: chicken wings, "pigs in blankets", mushroom caps, strips Smoked- dried pork, etc. - But, my sweetie ... in a bar ... you know ... there's swearing, men with materkom and all ... - You want atmosphere, my donut? To the peasants wanted fag ?! Listen here, zalupogolovy! Lacan its fucking cursed from the frozen beer mugs Eat, fucked your mother, zakuson because you nowhere today, do not go !! Usёk, asshole? ... And they lived happily ever after.



The drunk husband comes home, he walks into the entrance, knocking on a door. - Who's there? - Mary, it's me! - I do not ... Masha - Well, Claudia! - I'm not Claudia ... - Listen, wife, whoever you are, can still play in the city ?!

Two gentleman after hunting are sitting by the fireplace, his legs stretched out to the fire, and are silent: - Sir, I'm afraid that your socks start to smolder. - You will probably want to say - boots, sir? - No, the boots have long been burned, sir.

- A neighbor, I see, lately your husband is noticeably thinner. He is not sick? - No, just every day he goes fishing. - And because losing weight? - Of course. After all, he eats only fish that you catch.

A foreigner returned to the hotel at night and falling into an open manhole. Somehow selected and swearing loudly. Good cop: - What is it, citizen? - Why you do not enclose the hole flags, as in any normal country ?! - And you, when crossing the border, saw a red flag? - I saw ... - Well, so what claims?

Investigator: - Do you recognize this knife? - Of course! - And so you did learn ?! - How could I not know, you tell me it is already three weeks show!

Newlyweds go on nature. We put up a tent. Well as it got dark, they - the tent and fuck. Ha really interesting place crackled being cut tent. Newlyweds terribly frightened. The tent looks Georgians: - Izalenta est? - No ... Georgians out. Married to sew the tent in the morning, climb in and over again. And the most interesting place again the exact same situation. Georgians: - Derzhi izalentu.

The captain pointed to the new helmsman at the North Star, and ordered him to head straight to it exactly. For a while everything was going fine, but then the steering feel at a loss, and called the officer. - Sir, I have passed under this star. Please show me a new one. Georgians comes to a woman in a cafe. he knows and knows from numbers to talk in Russian only 1 and 3. He leans to the girl: - What tebe order? - I, perhaps a cup of coffee. Georgian, thought for a moment: - Afitsiant, prinesi ters chashechki kofe, and one - mamentalno unesi!

Night. Moon. Bench. On the bench two He and She. The second night. The same moon. The same bench. The same man. But the other woman! The third night. The same moon. The same bench. The same man! But the other woman. So let us drink to the constancy of inconstancy of men and women ...

Tell me son honestly - dope smoking? Dad, I - a daughter! - Will there be a war? - No, but it is such a struggle for peace, that the cam- nya on the stone will remain.

- How the Czechs know that the earth is round? - In 1945, they drove out the invaders on westward, and in 1968 they returned from the east.

- As the withdrawal of Soviet troops from Czechoslovakia without losing prestige? - After Romania.

After returning from the hospital, Miss Smith cursed at first, and then beat her husband, pointing out that their newborn has not the slightest resemblance to her, but a striking resemblance to the wife of the secretary.

As long as you remember the Russian, your life in the Czech Republic will be one continuous fun. "Vonyavki" translated from Czech spirits, "callous potraviny" - fresh produce, "scum with cattle on plavidle" - handsome guy with a paddle boat and other fun. It is said that a few years ago Russian tourists bellow to hiccups, looking at billboards, "Coca-Cola". They wore traditional a frozen bottle, and the inscription on the board reads: "overpowering creature!" Ikayuschie laughing Russian and did not immediately realize what is translated from the Czech inscription And this is just a powerful slogan - "perfect creation". In Prague, at the entrance to some places of entertainment emblazoned inscription - "Girls in vain." Imagine how Russian-speaking individuals break off the male when they find out that it means only that the girls do not pay an entrance fee! And even a house - "barracks", socks - "ponoski" hello friend - "Ahoy perdelka" ...... And it's true!

From my grandfather is gone, my grandmother left ... What do you think who is this ??? (Sex)

- Married? - Married! - How's the wife? - Guys praised!

Suitable Vovochka to the Pope and asks: - Dad, what is "Ding-ding, oink-oink"? - I do not know. - This pig tram arrived. And what is "Ding-ding, bow-wow"? - It's a dog in the tram arrived. - No. This mother came from work ...

Morning. A man in a terrible hangover, every rustle is given in the head with a hammer. Suddenly he gets up, takes the cat by the scruff of the neck and throws out of the apartment. Wife: - What are you doing! Jerk !!! And the husband replied: - All cats, as cats, and this: top top, top top !!! AT

River drowned drunk. The policeman says: "Act utopanii". Thought crossed out and wrote: "The act of utopia". More I thought and wrote: "The act of entering the water body and the body of absenteeism from the water."

We have all the rulers - birds: Well, for example, Skvortsov, Soloviev, Eagles, ... - A Ivanov? - Ivanov, blah ... Ivanov - woodpecker !!!

Sells parrot govoryashego guy on the market. He had one leg tied red ribbon, and the other - blue. Females fit and asks: - Why had ribbons tied? - Dernesh the blue - says in English, with the red - in French. - And if you pull for both, what will happen? Parrot does not stand up: - What would that be!?! In the fall ass!

My husband went to the toilet and sat down there for a long time ... 15 minutes passed, 30 hour .... My wife had forgotten and passed by the bathroom light is switched off (such that it lights up when there is no one) .. Suddenly a scream, "Oh -a-ah-ah-ah !!!!! "wife - My God! Husband! In the toilet! Quickly turns on the light ... there: - Ah ... It's only light .. I thought my eyes had burst ...

We met two friends talking. -Slyuschay I found ligushka, pirines lady Tee verisch mine? -Yes. -Put At Cravath, prasnulsya morning, and next devushka.Verisch? -Yes. -Vay Pachemu my Jin believes !?

Her husband returned from a business trip. The wife - lover, who hid in the closet. At that time there was a fire in the apartment. Family couple has become a rush, snatching valuables and utensils. And out of the closet is distributed: - Urgently take out the furniture!

There is a Congress of People's Deputies. From the last row to the Bureau crawls man: - Comrades, parted a little, I can not see ... - Perhaps you binoculars give? - No, thank you, I have an optical ...

The well-known Austrian chemist Adolf E. Frank during the exam one student said: - You are very resourceful and clever. The main thing - you know in a few words to express a huge amount of nonsense ...

- Yes, some non-children's tale we turned - Gingerbread Man thought, munching the remains of a fox ...

- Mom, what is a "drag queen"? - You know, I do not know, son - go to the kitchen and ask Uncle Natasha.

The husband comes home in the morning. Angry wife swears at him: - Where have you been? I did not sleep all night. Husband: - And you think I'm asleep!

Ppodaet gpuzin honey and peklamipuet: - This da - haposhy DER! Znaish, some bees such DER Dela? Balshoy, yes! Here's a (pointing fingers), yes! Buyer: - And he falls in uly, eh? - Screaming kpychyt and lezet! Who ne zalezet - on ulytse nachuet!

Climbs in the packed tram girl - Skip, skip, skip the pregnant woman. - Excuse me, but where it is clear that you are pregnant? - Oh, right, what do you want, what would half an hour to be seen.

A young girl says a man sitting: - Oh, give place to a pregnant woman. He concedes, then eyeing - her nothing. - Excuse me, but how long? - 30 minutes, but I was so tired, so tired ...

The conversation on the bus. The man turns to the woman standing before him. - Ma'am, you got up on the road, as a heifer nedoennaya. - What I tell you ma'am!

The doctor - patient: - Calm down, your head wound was quite serious, but most importantly - managed to avoid amputation.

In the mad house group of patients decided to escape. The next day, one of the patients frown says: - It will not work, the fence was torn down!

A man walks excitedly in the lobby of the hospital. Finally the nurse makes and shows him the baby newborn black. - Another of its Isabel I did not expect! - A man threw up his hands. - Always have it all undercooked!

A woman should complexes about intelligence only if it small breasts. It does not matter, when not dressed in anything. The trouble is, when there is nothing. If you did not appreciate - Rejoice! And it would still owed. Scented came and went zanyuhanny. February 23 Defender of the Fatherland Day. When will the day deviationist? I wonder why Christmas - two, and baptism - one .. The most powerful drug - it's ass, licking her time, people can not stop. The film may be highly artistic, cash and US simultaneously. You need to drink with women, then to them not to go. Go-ka you to his wife with a bouquet! Sclerosis in minetchitsa: money in the mouth, cock in her purse. Falsified Lipstick - the most common cause of cancer of the penis! Women spend money wisely! The result - no money, no mind ...

- I need a Jerry Garcia de la Paso. Say, where it, or I'll blow your brains out! - Mm-m! In fact, we are after eleven in the hostel do not let ...

When you try to check the documents of citizens Tyubeteykistana Anuslana-Zadeh Karmanberegalieva found out that he can not read the police sergeant Oleg Popov ...

Meaningful sentences in Russian in six words, five of which are verbs: "It's time to get up to come to buy a drink."

Leases guy exam in the traffic police. Gibededeshnik asks him: - What kind of a sign of where to draw a cow inside the triangle? - Well, as a - a beast on the road! - Well, where is it set? - Well where a hundred or two hundred meters from the traffic police post ...

From a textbook on basic military training, "With the advent of the first aircrafts it became necessary to destroy them."

Wife - husband: - If you knew how I would like caviar! - So buy a jar of squash ... Above it is always black!

From life. Crowded trolley. A woman walking on the trolley conductor and shouts: - Citizens of passengers - We reach the travel documents, do not wait until I patted on the shoulder of each arm, because my hands are dirt-HN-E!

Everything is relative ... A limpet believes that a person has stuck to it ...

Recently, Michael Jackson pleaded guilty, and is seeking to put him in prison for juveniles.

Firefighter says: "I am not a timid, but when near the very faces: flame, sparks, smoke - I still scared, so I do not smoke."

The news comes a report about the flower show. There runs a fashion show with clothes trimmed with all sorts of flowers and blades of grass. And in the end the reporter gives the phrase: - Personal sense of beauty and harmony in this world - it is a great op etanie grass and paper.

- Want to have a beautiful slender figure in the spring? - What's there in the spring - in the old days, I was able in one night to fuck just two different beautiful slender figure.

They gathered once three female neighbor. - Oh, the plumber! He says the youngest. - Only open the door for him - just drags you to bed! - Why, - he objected to her second, older. - It is only after a glass of vodka to pass something. - Not true! - Said third roommate, a retired veteran. - Our Plumber - very polite and considerate person, nothing does not allow! Maybe, they go different plumbers?

- What Basil to give? - Come on crystal ashtray! - He does not smoke! - Let's crocodile pants, a jacket from a monkey, parrot and frills ... - And you do not smoke!

- Dad, tell a story, but not the short - "Went to dick, you moron!" ...

Advertisement. Wolf wanted to eat Little Red Riding Hood - but changed his mind ... Condoms "Durex" - the good fairy tale!

The poll of Muscovites gave interesting results. Do our people were not unanimous in their opinion! To the question: "How would you able to briefly describe the creativity of our outstanding contemporary Zurab Tsereteli?", All respondents answered very briefly and concisely, missed just one capacious word "Jam".

Announcement: Making all garbage from the customer's material.

There are two friends who have not seen: - How are you? - Yes, tired of everything! Bought recently, Subaru, so I can not find anywhere else on her 20 th wheels, he swept all the shops, all clambered sites - there's all! Wife boutique fur coat looked after for 150 pieces, so I gave her nalik - so the bastards s discount of 3% done, count. Oborzeli !!! And you-how? - And I ... Fuck you in the dick !!!

From life. At one wedding was such a contest: Paper cut marks around 15 pieces - and the groom had to each step and tell her a compliment ... er ... wife. 1st - 2nd Sweetheart ...: - Favorite ... 3rd: - Beauty ... 4th - 5th Sun ...: Then he slips and falls, screaming: - FUCK !!!

Girl makes a guy a blowjob ... That writhing, moaning in orgasm, cums. The girl swallowed: - Peter, Tse scho - not mirgorodska?

Near confused stops the car, the driver leans out and asks: - How much? - 1500 rubles. - Oh, and I have with him only 100! Come on, I'll give you $ 100 and your mobile? Assessing cell phone look confused agrees. Having obtained what he wanted, the driver gives her $ 100 and is going to leave. Putao - Hey, mobile !!? - Oh yeah, I almost forgot - write!

I was once asked during sex - I know how to bark like a dog? I replied: "I can and sho?" ... What I have been told that it is not necessary to bark, but the tail wag should poprovorneee ..

Talk romantic, fatalistic and pragmatic ... romantic, dreamy: - Where the childhood leaves? Fatalist - The pussy !!! Pragmatist: - Tough, but true ...

Two hard workers are sitting in the lobby of a large office, have a smoke like an hour ... These fit guy in the suit: - Why do not you work? They told him: - Who are you ?! - I am a top manager of the company! - Top manager? Well, fuck out of here and stomp!

The peasant on Saturday escalated hemorrhoids. I wish he would go to the doctor, but he does not take on the weekends. And the pain is such that there are no forces to suffer - but fortunately, a friend recommended to grease this place coffee grounds, and then pain subsided for a while actually. Having held so until Monday, a man goes to the doctor, and he says that: - Take the pants now see. A man takes off his pants, the doctor looks and silent for a long time. Finally, a man does not stand, and asked: - Well, there, Doctor, something serious? - So-so. I see a big change in my life, a long journey, state-owned house ...