My Blog: jokes funny jokes

Normal pressure
I had a friend at the institute. Kind, but a tree. Lecture on sports medicine. We play in the "Sea Battle". Suddenly, the teacher turns around, and:
- Sasha, what kind of a person's normal pressure?
Sasha stands up in silence and looks for a long time. I show the index finger from under the desk (I want to show on my fingers 120/80). Sasha, amused:
- One.
The teacher:
"What's one?"
At this point, I show two fingers on my fingers. Sasha:
"No, it's two."
Teacher: - What are the two?
Sasha strains:
- Pascal. Like this.
Rubber container
I had one friend - Vasechka. A great lover of a drink and a drink. To drink - vodka, which he always affectionately called a blonde, and to have a drink in one of the Moscow clubs, most often in "Hama". At the same time he always wanted to combine the first with the second, which categorically did not allow the income of the cadet, which he was. I am not pointing the direction of activity in vain, but in order to prove once again that ordinary military people are doing miracles everywhere. And so, for the sake of fun and economy, Vasya decided to bring to "Chameleon" vodka, bought in a tent next to the club. In a bottle, of course, it can not be carried-it's impossible to take it-and they will not let you into the club-that's why he carefully bought a condom in the same tent with vulgar silicone aunts on a box, shoved it into the pocket of light (!) Jeans and began to pour vodka from the bottle Prezik. It is known that any packaging is unreasonable. Even a rubber product. And it was necessary to stop and spit on the remaining 50 grams (well, or then drink something!), But Vasya resolutely poured the remnants. Before the entrance to the club, the condom burst ... The spectacle was still when, sober and angry, fragrant with vodka, in light pants, entirely bathed in flammable liquid, Vasya sawed home on the subway.
The old joke
We went from Univer for exchange for a semester in England. Type to learn. Well, I met there in the second month of stay with a pretty girl. She had never seen Russian before, she pictured us according to the scheme of Siberian-vodka-bayan, and in general was very decent and shy. Besides, she was neat, ate only with a knife-fork, well, and everything else. Excellent, their Komsomol and just beautiful. For a long time we had nothing to do with it, but after one and a half months of acquaintances, that first unforgettable night came. I do not know why, but the mood that day was so jolly. I wanted to be happy and joking. And after the delight of owning the beloved, I just fell into ecstasy. And I wanted to surprise her and make her laugh. I remembered her initial ideas about the wild Russians. In the inflamed brains, old anecdotes were spinning wildly, and a "brilliant" idea came up to me to wipe my own about the curtain. There were no curtains in the room, there were strict, clean and heavy silk drapes hanging in her room. Naked, under her perplexed gaze, I paddled to the window and pretending that I was doing the most usual and normal thing was to wipe my curtains with my x # d. Then came her mad scream, which aroused the whole quiet English town.
This shout woke the whole hostel, the police arrived. For a couple of hours I explained to the cops that there was no rape, and she screamed simply with delight. The girl herself did not dare to call the real reason for her screaming. She was crimson, she was sitting on her bed and looking at a crowd of policemen scurrying along the corridor of curious students and half-naked me in her room. But everything went well and the policemen left, politely saying goodbye and asking in the future to restrain their emotions.
What can we say in conclusion? A year later I moved to England, married this girl and now we have a son growing up.
I woke up and ...
In my student years, I had a friend named Alex. He was a very versatile personality and loved to drink. So, in a state of intoxication with him constantly there were amusing stories about which he gladly told his friends.
The stories began the same: "I woke up and ...".
For example, "I woke up and lie on the dining table at home ..." or "I woke up and I sit in the police UAZ near the driver ..."
But the most outstanding story looked like this:
- I woke up and sit on a bench on October Square, telling Lenochka G. about the benefit of blowjob ...
The Revenge of the Chipmunk
I had a friend - a fender worked on penetrating exploratory wells. That is, who knows, the firing method of blasting is fuse, cord, etc. Once I ask him - Vasya, where he lost his fingers on his hand (there are not three of them). He hesitated, hesitated, then said:
- Do neher, catch a chipmunk, fuse with a short cord in the ass you will insert and set it on fire. He runs, runs, and then so cool! So alone, when I set fire to, twisted and clenched my teeth in my hand ...
Jewish game
In a happy youth I had a friend - a musician who played the guitar in the "team" of a St. Petersburg tavern and insanely revered his western idol, eminent guitarist from the group DERER PURRLE Ritchie Blackmore. My friend was all good: he played the guitar well, and sang like a nightingale, and drank like all taverns. One was his fault - he was an anti-Semite, he was terrible, and he honored the Jews for nothing and for whatever reason. Once I go to his house (he tries to play the cigarette smoke clubs with a legendary Blackmore guitar passage from the Nighwow Star thing) and, jokingly, I say:
"Listen," I say, "and Blackmore is a Jew."
The cigarette hung on the bottom lip of my friend, he quit playing, looked at me dumbfounded, then on the tape recorder, then at the photo of DEPRY PURRLE, who hung on his wall, sat for a bit silently and then very thoughtfully, with some narrowed eyes, :
- Well, damn, I felt the same - something is wrong in his music, something is not right ...
For a long time I later tried to convince him, saying that no Blackmore was Jewish, that I was so pinned, but he only nodded something to me. The facts unambiguously confirming the Jewish origin of the British guitarist, my friend at that time did not find, nor did he find facts that would have claimed the opposite. However, to the music of DEER PURRLE and to the further creative career of Ritchie Blackmore, he noticeably cooled, although he himself, as far as I know, has been playing guitar to this day. And that there he heard the Jewish in Blackmore's guitar playing, he never really told me so.
Parachute with stabilization
In one airborne unit, planned jumps were carried out with paratroopers. As usual - a long drill, instructing, laying domes on do it again. The army, in short. We jumped with parachutes D-5 with stabilization of 3 seconds. This is such a large round white dome, a classic landing (I do not remember exactly, but the area is about 70 sq. M.). After separation from the aircraft, a small stabilizing parachute (1.5 sq. M) is forcibly opened to prevent the skydiving of the parachutist, and after three seconds of falling underneath the parachute insulating device clears the knapsack and the stabilizing parachute pulls out the main dome. Everything is simple and reliable.
And now one young soldier (let there be Alekseev Serega) is preparing to jump. From the briefing, he knows that after opening it is necessary to look up - everything is in order with the dome. Above the head should be a white, regular round shape. If everything is fine - do not twitch, prepare for a landing. The impact on the landing, said the instructor - like a jump from 1.5 meters. This and worked several times, jumping from the bedside table. And finally, take off. We went to the battle course, the prapor opens either a door or a ramp (I do not know why they jumped), but the point is that when he opened this door, he touched the slightly nearest soldier. The closest was Serega. Well, hooked and hooked - Serega and did not feel almost. But in fact, the door had to be touched on the glass of the insuring device (~ 2 cm in diameter), which cracked, broke in and jammed the arrow of the mechanical timer, set for three seconds!
The signal, "get ready," "went," "went," "went." So did Sergei. Separated - a stream of air, a surge of stabilization, a whistle, a carousel of pictures (representing the feelings of a person jumping for the first time). The timer on the device counts the seconds before the opening: one, two. And the arrow rests against a piece of glass. The lock does not open, and what happens in the parachute world is called uninterrupted stabilization, that is, the parachutist whistles down under a small dome. And it should be noted that with the task of stabilizing the body, this dome copes with dignity, but as regards the slowing down of the fall of the body - not very much. The speed below it is ~ 35 m / s (and simply in free fall ~ 50 m / s).
Serega falls, raises his head ... If you think that he immediately put in place the spare - CHREN THERE. Above the head round? Round. White? White. The correct form?
Correct. And that is not enough - so at the briefing they warned: the lines are long, the dome far from you, it will seem less than on the ground. In short - Seryoga got ready to ground. As always happens in stories with a good ending - whether the snow was soft, or whether it was summer, but the slippery fell, whether the bushes-trees have successfully grown, or just then the paratroopers were real - he is imprinted with this speed into the ground: - No x-yourself - jump from 1.5 meters !!!
He climbs and, limping and limping, drags himself to the start. And there shuher, state of emergency - a man crashed! Serega understands that his problems are almost not problems, in comparison with this, and together with all he goes in search of the body. We searched, of course, for a long time. And, of course, they did not. Command in shock - decided at least to find out who he is - tragically dead. We carried out the construction with verification - everything is in place. Command simply in a stupor and panic. And then the prapor notices Seregin's parachute on the packing table:
- Alekseev, your mother, completely ohrenel - why and when did the team meet? A single corpse is not enough ?!
Serega tries to explain that he did not pack anything, and that he landed. Of course, they look at him like a moron. And then the prapor noticed the glass on the device and remembered about the door in the plane ...

Unsuccessful theft
I had a friend in my student years, Sanya. He was a great motorist. And they were in the family Zhiguli-kopeck, old-old, living by the principle "we are not drafts, we go." That is, everything that "did not affect speed" was unimportant. And the area in which Sanya lived, was somewhat unfriendly to cars (St. Petersburg, Vitebsk Avenue). At night, everything that could be tapped out of cars. And in the evenings one could see a mini-caravan from Sani and his dad, who dragged all the keys, a jack, a spare wheel, etc. from the car into the house. In the morning, accordingly, all this was brought back to the car and it became manned to the voyage. And somehow Sanya comes out of the house one morning and sees that their self-propelled unit was trying to KNOW. It looked like this: the thieves broke the window in the driver's door and tried to open the door, pulling the handle.
They did not know, poor fellow, that there was no lock in the door for a long time, and that the door did not open on the move, it was laid with a CROWBAR.
They pulled, pulled - the door does not open. Seeing such a thing, they climbed on the other side. There, fortunately for them, the castle still remained. Climbed. They began to wind up the car. But where else can they get it, when Sanya himself can not always start it ... They are broken. They began to push the car, if such things happen. We must at least somehow steal it, since we have. But about fifty meters away, her WHEELS DROPED. Here the thieves could not stand it. They spat, it seems, in their hearts, and they left.

Anecdote about the government
I was here a few days ago with a friend and told an old, but funny anecdote. Everyone laughed, especially his girlfriend, and they forgot. Four days later I came again to this comrade, and there were still people there. Her girlfriend says:
- What kind of joke did you tell funny such, like something about the government?
Well, do you remember all the jokes that somewhere told ?! Yes, and about the government? In a shorter way, and 15 minutes later I decided to tell an anecdote. Remember "the girl is sitting in the sandbox, one eye is out, the other is dangling, the mouth is torn and says:" I've sneezed my cock. "And now, everyone is laughing and the girl of my friend and gives out:
- Here he is! A joke that you told!
Silent scene ...

Labor safety MSSU (former MISI), specialty CAD, 5th year, the people write diplomas ... From old times it was preserved that each diploma project should include the section "Labor Protection" And now, the people receive at the Department of Labor Protection the relevant Tasks seem to be on the topic of the diploma ... The student long and dreary explains the teacher that the calculations of fire resistance of structures, lightning protection, safety of installation of structures, lighting of the construction site, etc., do not fit the topic of the diploma ... A piece of dialogue:
Teaching on protection:
"Well, what are you telling me!" What is your topic of the diploma?
Female student:
- I have a graphic library for ...
- Well, here, and you say that you do not need labor protection ...
Here you also count the illumination in this very library!

Read the instructions!
93 year, Moscow, bar, people with the habits of the new Russian brothers. Sits means one pretzel at the bar counter and asks the bartender, like here they serve tequila-boom? He says that there are no problems, in general, the brother says that he only consumes it. Next picture oil, all the rules, the bartender pours a pinch of salt on his hand, gives lemon (well, I think people are aware that lizni-drink-kusni), babahayet on the counter stoparik and serves his pretzel. Then the picture is no longer oil, but sausage. Eagle planted a stopper, bites a lemon, and a professional gesture of the cocaine player "sniffs" salt in itself. To say that all the visitors of the bar formed in half - it's nothing to say.
So, read the instructions.

The daughter of the hero
As is known, in the Great Patriotic War we had many good commanders. One such worthy generals was Chuikov, commander of the defense of Stalingrad.
Despite his abilities as a strategist, he even among colleagues
(!!!) was a man who was rude and unrestrained. To yell at the subordinate general and give that to the muzzle was a common matter. So after the war, as is known, Zhukov fell into disgrace and was placed commander of the Ural military district; Chuikov, on the other hand, went up the hill. Do I need to explain that the relationship between them was, frankly, not very good?
This is a prelude. The very same tale, more precisely, byl, is as follows. Chuikova had a daughter, Nellie. Such "rlaugirl", in the sense that the representative of the then "golden youth." And the child did not decide to do this, but to the EastFac of Moscow State University.
And, as expected, got a "2" in history. And the next day - such a picture. The same teachers are taking the exams to another faculty. And they come out from the metro, and there is a cordon, and entirely out of the captains. Gone further - one more, from the majors. Approach the building - cordons from the colonels already. In the building itself is entirely generals. Teachers are invited to the office, there the dean, Chuikov and his son, modestly awaiting the showdown.
The professors, respectively, ask, what does it mean, the child of the Hero of the Soviet Union does, and on you? .. To which the professor replies:
"Do you know what we asked her?"
- What?
- Who commanded the defense of Stalingrad.
"And what did she say to you?"
- And you ask her.
Chuikov turns to the child and asks:
- What?!
To which the child, lowering his eyes, responded:
- Zhukov...
History preserved for the descendants the wild howl of the general insulted in the best feelings:
- TO Dacha !!! WASHING THE FLOOR !!! AND THAT I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU MORE HERE !!

!!
Pheasants learn to fly
I have a friend in one statehouse. They breed all sorts of game there: a-la deer-wild boar, etc., bullshit. So, this state farm decided to breed pheasants. And how is it, the "royal hunt" .... The high-pitched chief will come to the hunt with a kanko-string ... and here you have to shoot the pheasants. We bought pheasants. They have bred, as it should. Only now the ill luck has come. From a plentiful feeding (and we can still from what charms of a life) pheasanties raskabaneli and have absolutely refused to fly. High-ranking on the hunt came, dogs, guns. All the cases, and pheasants run through the bushes, and you will persuade the FIGs to fly off. Confusion. A friend shares his problem with a colleague from another hunting farm. He says that somewhere in Yugoslavia there was a similar problem. Well, he gave the solution to the problem. One of the local "Kulibins" came up with a cunning device such as a catapult. Manufactured them, porasstavili in the bushes.
Further as clockwork. Dogs drive pheasants. They run through the bushes ... and then ... Klats! A catapult works ... Pheasant is in the sky and he has nothing left to do but to wave his wings until they shoot him. When a friend of mine told me all this ... the first reaction was: - And you would use pheasants even for a pistol in the clutches, so that he could shoot himself ...

Minka and the pet shop I watched yesterday the original phenomenon, I decided to share it.
I go out of the house, I see a domestic cat, known under the nickname Minka, clinging to the door handle of the pet shop on the first floor (this is my comfortable house). I decided to help a man, opened the door, Minka with a businesslike look went in and headed straight for the saleswoman, expressively meadow; Was immediately serviced by a portion of Whiskas. The spectacle interested me, and I had noticed a flea collar on the neck of Minky a while ago, despite the fact that he had not lost sight of the kind and habits of a war cat.
The seller gave the following description of the situation.
About six months ago, Minka, who was still unknown to the staff, showed up at the store in the same way about seven, before closing, sat down on the counter with food and yelled until it was given. Since then (from the first time), a daily (!) Tradition has developed. Vendors agreed with the management, Minke was allocated a share in feeds with expiring shelf life (usually transferred to the shelters of the cat).
A month ago, Minka appeared about noon, that is, at an unreliable time, climbed to the counter with hygiene, brushed off a stack of shampoos and other things, sat down on the window with flea collars and began to scrub it.
The missing saleswomen found the opportunity to give the person a collar. Minka took a favorable approach to the presentation and went off on business, already in a collar (although there is usually no physical contact).
A couple of days ago the incident was repeated. In the instruction to this collar, there is indeed an indication that, although the period of validity is from two to three months, in conditions close to combat, it is recommended to change the collar on a monthly basis.
And they changed ...

A note from the dog I go out recently to the kitchen - I'm looking for what to feed the dog.
I look - there is nothing, but usually something is left.
It's strange. And at this moment a dog with a piece of paper in the teeth comes into the kitchen. I select the paper and examine it. On a piece of paper it is written:
"The dog has already eaten."

Rent a car or you will not spend ...
It was in the Emirates a couple of years ago.
We arrived there with the company on vacation and, having spent a couple of days in the heat, decided: we must rent a car. Well it is necessary, so it is necessary. Us - 6 people, including 2 children, so the choice fell on the minivan. The search was short-lived and, having stumbled upon Chevy-lumin, I decided not to be wiser and take it (especially since I had such a pepelac and I was very pleased with them.)
They called and ordered.
The Arab arrived, brought a contract and a car. A little bargaining, agreed on $ 60 per day (although before he asked 80). Arab under the noise of our bustle, joyfully and korjavenko added to the "special conditions" something and went to show us the car. During the inspection, the Arab showed me a cracked slightly turn signal and said that they say the old defect, not yours, do not worry ...
What a decent uncle, - I thought, and even more to him settled down. Seeing my rasslabuhu, the Arab immediately pleased us that we would need another 200 dollars in bail, saying that for insurance and for violations you are fans of quick driving ... and we have a traffic police here, and so on. And if nothing happens, you'll get it ...
Well, it is necessary so it is necessary, especially no need to violate, let alone abroad. Although suspicious. On that and parted. We skated for a short time, without adventure, a couple of days in all. And so neatly, that even from local, very polite drivers, they received a whistle under the ass. Parking was always paid ahead and for a long time. They left the car only where it could have been, if even then far to move. Pals, in short. And so it began ...
Evening. 20-00.
We leave the museum together, look forward to a trip to the restaurant and see that our SHEVYA stands "somehow squinting, bending low and silently so hissing with the front right wheel.
I, like today's driver, roll up my sleeves, climb behind the tool and zapaska, I arrange everything. Everything is usually a trifling matter ... BUT I find out on the wheel what?
- CORRECTLY!!! - THE SECRET !!!
UGGES !!!! And this is where the taxi 140 body Merino, and all sorts of KAMRI there in general as Zaporozhye, and the machines do not close (he saw) WOMAN NEED FAT RUBBER WITH MINIVEN !!!!!!!
TO WHOM ?????????????? !!!!!!!!!!!
We rummaged the whole car, but we could not find the secret key! Called the rental office - there is no one, it's too late already. They called the Arab on the mobile phone - a mute. Have called in a travel agency - have received oath promises for the help and so on. Okay, I collected all the belongings and until the wheel was completely blown away, limped to refueling. There, some captive Hindu tanker, at my request, pumped up as much as 3.5atm. And told in the language of the deaf and dumb that the tire service is very close by and we will reach it in 5 minutes easily.
YES!!! EASILY!!!!!!
If you can read their street names, even at night and on the go, and even under the constant jerking of two hungry children and the bore of a female. But luck did not fail us - we found it! HOORAY!!!
Quickly, quickly, guys! A couple of Indians promised to wave the wheel for $ 3.
I went to wash my hands, I come - both are standing, watching stupidly at the wheel, mechanics, their mother! Apparently the elder says:
"Here you have a secret lock." Give the key please.
- Ha! I would have been looking for you here if I had had it!
- Then we can not help you, we can not break!
Wives come closer, seeing that something is not right and the wheel does not change:
Interfere with the dialogue:
- Children! We are hungry! Help than you can.
Hindus stand to death.
- CAN NOT AND ALL HERE!
And then they suddenly remembered something about the trade unions and the end of the working day.
I start to boil and turn to Russian
- Hear you go where until you change the wheel!
"That's impossible, sir!" There is no key!
"Ah, you can not!" We can do it ourselves! Okay, a hammer and a pipe piece of what you give!
- WNat you need?
"Hammer, your mother!" And what else do you have there - I reached out to them in the bins.
Seeing my insistence, the Hindus parted.
I found a piece of pipe of a suitable diameter, made from it a "secret key" - flattened on the nut. For a couple of strokes he planted it on the nut, spun from the heart - and a minute later handed the wheel to the fucking Hindus:
"Latay, fuck your mother - and then you'll eat the hunt!"
Wives applauded!
MIN NO :) ))
Women who are ready to chew low-calorie crackers around the clock for the sake of achieving the apotheosis of a diet - the body weight equals its temperature - people in white coats insistently recommend to cheer the tired body starved body with an oral orgasm ...

And it's not even that one serving of male sperm contains only 5-8 kcal. It turns out that qualitative and impeccably executed fellatio is one of the natural, optimal and most effective ways to relieve psychological fatigue and nervous stress in the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity.

Needless to say that an uncontrollably fasting woman is on the verge of a nervous breakdown around the clock ?! It derives from itself frankly innocuous details, little Malian trifles and trifles. And all because a person in the name of his own irreproachable figure does not get a good piece of well-roasted pork ...

Sometimes in those special cases, when "the weather in the house" reaches the mark of a storm mark, and the precious spouse utterly annoys her already nervously starved nerves, the girl's passion is like throwing the bully into something bulky and very heavy. For example, a freshly baked apple pie, to which she, being on a diet, alas, never touches. However, if you do not bake as well as your husband would like, a direct hit of this culinary product into the target can kill directly on the spot. Remember: not only that human blood is not water, but it is also much harder to clean the carpet ... For this reason, it is probably worth listening to the advice of good aybolites that stress is best removed not by assault, but by the complex of oral- Sexual exercises.

Such an unexpected effect from the procedure of a boring blowjob physicians explain the actual activity in the oral cavity, which also, as, for example, sucking candies, calms the nervous system and removes irritability. Think of the ravishing faces of babies with a pacifier in their mouths: 3 minutes ago they were shouting foolishly, but when they put a foreign object in their mouth that succumbed to sucking into their mouth - and the child calmed down.

In the very procedure of sucking psychoanalysts see a subconscious return of a person to a serene infancy, when breastfeeding was not only a source of hunger satisfaction, but also satisfied the baby's needs in tactful contact with the mother-defender and wet-nurse. After all, when my mother is around, you can not worry in vain - it will not allow you to offend ...

In order to finally persuade the masses in the need to include the blowjob in the diet of daily sexual games, doctors draw our attention to the fact that enough frequent oral sex can help get rid of such harmful habits as smoking, nibbling and even manic picking in the teeth. "In this case, oral sex as one of the types of oral activity replaces another, less useful and more boring" - say the doctor.

"Suck on health - and do not be nervous!" - people give free advice to girls in white coats. Perhaps, this is one of the few medicines, the reception of which, besides good, brings more pleasure ...

Priportsky Blank
A friend comes to me yesterday and tells me a new anecdote about life, about ensigns (he works at the institute and now sits in the admissions office). So, the ensign comes to him with his son (a small ensign poured out) to apply for admission. They were given forms, explained how to fill in and left unattended. Half an hour later it turns out that how to fill, they did not reach! Then they poke their faces in the sample and explain what this sheet is for. They kind of get to them and they start filling out the form.
An hour later, when the entire Admissions Committee slowly begins to giggle, Ensigns bring the completed form and are removed. Then the most interesting happens! The entire admissions committee, seeing the completed form, begins to slide slowly from the chairs, not paying attention to the entrants, and the matter is as follows.
As exemplary ensigns, these guys filled in the form, with what they managed to correctly fill out their data, after which they SHIFT THE SHEET and at the bottom wrote "SAMPLE" !!!

8 Pyramids
I work for a candy company, well, in the sense of dealing with a firm selling Moscow candy. November-December is our season. We sell gifts are different. Then you and the cubs and dogs and pyramids and trees, in short, there is something to choose from.
People once decided that the inalienable attribute of the New Year are candy gifts. (Well, who does not remember: Santa Claus, adjusting his slipping beard, takes out a sachet from the bag, and in it ... the confeety!) And the "supplyers" of Santa Claus are the parents' committees of all kinds of kindergartens and schools. They are bought from us. So, the vast majority of mothers long walks along the windows, chooses gifts. There are stormy discussions:
- Girls will buy gifts in the form of carriages, and boys in the form of steam locomotives ...
- Well no! Look, the boys will buy motorcycles, and the girls here are those cute little cubs ...
Nuu and in the same spirit. As a result, mummies purchase the N-th number of motorcycles and a certain number of coaches (boys and girls). And today, three such parent-mother's mothers, after a half-hour discussion approach me to order: - We, pzhlsta, 11 locomotives, 14 carriages and 8 pyramids ...
I beat out, repeating (so as not to distort the order):
- So, the boys have 11 locomotives, girls 14 carriages and 8 pyramids ... A PYRAMID WOMEN? I'm in a stupor, mummies and everyone around under the table.

Magic Words
It sounds like an anecdote, but one of my acquaintances successfully passed through the metro in the following way: giving his face an extremely worried and detached from the worldly bustle, he approached the control box, carelessly threw a cult phrase:
- I'm on a discriminant!
And with the same expression of his face calmly continued his way to the subway past the fucking granny.
For all the time, while he was practicing this method, I do not remember a single case that the controller had something against ...

Egg ..
MUZHIK YOU JUST DO NOT RYE STRONGLY, HIS MOTHER'S HAPPEN LATCHED THAT LUSTER OF CRYSTAL BUYING, ROAD-BUILDING (PAUL OF THE YEAR COPY). They went to the store, took the chandelier and woke up at the house and woke up at home on the road. (WASHING THE WORK) ON THE TABLE, CUTTING UP TO 50, WE REPEATED IT, AND I SAY, AND GIVE YOU BASE ALL-SO AND TODAY WE HAVE, THE MUZH RELATED, THAT IS FROM THE BRADLE, WHETHER MY SQUARE AGREES. I put the chairs on it, tattooed it on my stool, and made me keep it.
STUDY WITNESS WATCHING AS MY EAGLE under the CEILING FALLS, (AND HE HAS ALWAYS THAT WERE IN THE FAMILY TRUSNYAKA WAS), I WILL LOOK LOOK BELOW, AND WHAT I SEE - FROM THESE SYMPATHY TRUSICS PICKED EYESTICALLY, WELL I WAS EMPTY FROM IT AND LEGONECHKO GAVE THE SHELB. MY "MYSTERIOUS EAGLE" HOW TO FLY FROM THIS RIDGE, TOGETHER WITH LUSTER, WHICH WAS DISQUALIFIED, INJURED, AND WITH THE RESCUE OF THE LASTER TO ME BACK. THOUGHT WILL KILL, AND HE SAYS: -B .. AS THE CURRENT PI # D # NULO, DIRECTLY TO THE EGGS GOT, WELL NOT TO DIE!

Mental suffering
Yesterday I went with my son Yegor (7 years) to the dentist, to check whether everything is in order. Egor bravely, with severity on his face, walks into his office (for the first time in his life), (again, the promise to buy a new disc with a toy) also courageously sits down in an armchair and opens his mouth.
Stomatology:
- Mom! Yegorushka, why did not you go to the dentist before too voluntarily?
On what the child with well, sooo serious mordahoy gives:
- Because you, dentists, with your dental work, cause me some mental suffering. And after your useless manipulation, I was like a bee in my mouth.
For about 5 minutes the dentist could not work.

Unkempt policemen
We drive once on a country road, we drive through a village ... Suddenly, on the road, a hillock across the highway, a few meters further, no stripes on them, just mounds. I ask my husband:
"Is this a standing policeman, or what?"
- Yes.
- And why not painted?
Husband, gloomy:
"They're in plain clothes ..."

Independent siren
There was a man with a car siren with independent power.
Somewhere he drank with his friends in the mud. He could not go himself, the friends took the car to the garage, and put the owner in the back seat. We arrived at the garages. The wheelbarrow was drowned and the garage opened. They opened the garage, and the car did not start again - there's a secret there. Tumble-scribbled until the alarm went off and the siren howled. The master woke up in the backseat, the door opened and ran off with a fright.
Night. Cooperative garages. The siren yells, one garage is open, a foreign car. There is no master. Friends were frightened that the cops would arrive - they would be broken, while they were explained what was what. And they began to turn off the siren. The hood was opened, and the wires from her were torn off - so she still screamed, mean!
"And what's the matter?" - I ask them. And they are so embarrassed:
- We broke it off from the car and buried it. She screamed from under the ground, but already quietly. And then the owner returned.