Learn to understand mothers
What if your relationship with your mother makes you mad? Do you have thoughts that it would be good to wake up one morning to find out that you are an adopted child? Do you shudder when it occurs to you that you have a chance to turn into an equally unbearable person over time?
In no case should mother-daughter relationships develop in a similar way, according to Karen Johnson, MD, a psychiatrist specializing in interpersonal relationships between women. As a daughter, you can take the first big step towards improving relationships. To do this, look at your mother as a person in general, not just as a mother. You need to pay attention to the following points.
Try to understand the motives behind your mother’s actions. “It’s important for you to know how the external circumstances affected your mother’s life,” says Dr. Johnson. A mother who is overly worried about her daughter when she enters puberty and controls her tightly, maybe at that age she became a victim of sexual violence. She is simply trying to protect her daughter from the suffering that she endured. And in the meantime, her daughter thinks that her mother is a very beautiful person and wants to ruin her life. ”
Learn your mother's life story. The more you learn about your mother, the more you will see in her not noticed by you earlier, when you looked at her only as a mother. Try to remember what you know about her childhood, suggests Paul J. Kaplan. “Since most of them treat us with great sympathy for children, we are less inclined to deify or curse them, as is the case in our relations with adults.”
For example, ask how old your grandmother was when your mother was born. How did she live? What were the economic, political and social conditions in the family when your mother grew up?
Pay attention to your similarities. “Ask yourself, Kaplan advises, what do you have in common with your mother values, fears, political views, types of friends, religious beliefs, favorite foods, sources of joy and sadness, manners, gestures, facial features, figure, sense of style, and t .d. "
Ask your mother about the details of your birth and first years of life. Dr. Kaplan offers the following questions: “How was the pregnancy? How did you behave in your mother's belly? Did you beat the legs or behaved calmly? How was the birth? What did she feel at the first moment when she saw you? What did she like about you when you were a baby? What was she afraid of? What was the hardest thing for her when she nursed you? Did she consider herself a bad or unskillful mother? ”
“Let her know, continues Dr. Kaplan, that you understand how difficult it is to be a mother, and would like to know how this all happened to her from her point of view.”
Think of the responsibility that lay on your mother’s shoulders. “Mothers usually have a heavy burden of responsibilities for the care and upbringing of children,” says Dr. Johnson. I do not mean only daily duties, which in themselves are quite burdensome. There are more serious things. Mothers feel responsible for the psychological health of their children. Their first is most often blamed if their children are not okay. ”
Do not assume that your mother was invulnerable or all-powerful. “The more you learn about the difficulties that your mother experienced when she raised you, the more condescending you can be towards her,” says Dr. Kaplan. In other words, think that the problems she faced could affect her attitude towards your upbringing. Do you remember the days when she was too tired to play with you, or overly irritable, or did she lack positive emotions? Maybe it was a time when she had a particularly hard time?
As one woman told, she never realized that her mother was unhappy in marriage to her father, until she divorced him. "When I saw how calm and cheerful she became, divorcing her father and getting married again, I finally realized that it was not me who caused her bad mood."
Put yourself in her place. “It doesn't matter how much you are different from your mother, try to imagine what it would be like if you had lived the kind of life that fell to her lot, advises Dr. Johnson. I recently tried to do it, and concluded that my mother did everything that could be done in her circumstances. ”