The most misunderstood feelings
The grief experienced by spouses and their loved ones after a miscarriage is compounded by the fact that people are not aware of attachment to a lost fetus, whereas studies show that it can be very strong. Expectant mothers at an early stage of pregnancy experience a strong emotional attachment to a child who has not yet been born. The study conducted by Dr. Lasker on the example of several hundred pairs showed that grief is usually the stronger, the longer a woman has carried a child, but there are other studies showing that the duration of pregnancy plays a smaller role than the emotional connection with a child which feels a woman. A woman who really imagines a child even at an early stage of pregnancy can suffer so much after a miscarriage, as if she had lost a newborn.
Surrounding people, including medical personnel, may try to comfort a woman. One study found that doctors from hospital staff spoke of their attitude to miscarriages as tragedy, but the authors of the study defined their behavior as “tacit sympathy” because sympathy was rarely expressed verbally.
“Attempts by family members, friends, and medics to help somehow often add fuel to the fire,” notes Dr. Lasker. You may hear: “You will still give birth to another child,” although you yourself are far from sure. ”
Dr. Lasker found out that many women after a miscarriage suffer both physically and psychologically. Sleep is upset, appetite disappears. It is difficult to concentrate on something. There is a feeling of guilt, helplessness, self-doubt, fear for the future. You may feel your inconsistency as a woman, because you could not do what others easily do. Appears hostility, anger, depression. Even when everything seemed to be left behind, you are overcome with sadness on those significant and holidays that you were supposed to meet with your child.
Although spouses find the greatest consolation in each other's society, there is a limit to which they can help each other. “Woe, says Dr. Lasker, is experiencing alone. Even the most loving spouses can not completely relieve the pain of each other. You and your husband feel the pain of loss in different ways. ” The study, conducted by Dr. Lasker, like many others, shows that the father usually does not feel such a connection with the unborn child as the mother, because the child is not a physical reality for him. In addition, men express their deepest feelings in a different way.
You may be angry with your husband because his feelings do not coincide with yours. And the husband, quite possibly, is experiencing helplessness and frustration, because he is not able to console you. You want to talk to many women helps when they “talk out”, but for him these conversations are intolerable. “Part of the difference in behavior is due to the fact that men and women generally express grief in different ways,” suggests Lasker. Men and women are raised differently. Men are told that they must be strong, take care of their wives, and as a result they do not allow grief to capture them completely. ”