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29 first time in a man's life

29 first time in a man's life

Even the most pleasant things after a few repetitions become boring, remember only the first time. The first car ...

... the first woman, the first hangover. They are arranged according to your life, like pillars. To make it easier for you to navigate in your memories, we put the typical men's first times on the timeline. You can write the years yourself.

First birth

The man sat and did not touch anyone. It was warm and cozy. And suddenly - fucking bang! - the light at the end of the tunnel, you push somewhere, pull; Thanks, if not with forceps. Instead of "hello" - hit on the ass. Here it is accepted, welcome to the brave new world! Adventures begin. A bad experience, we do not like to think about it, so we do not remember anything.

The first collective

This is a kindergarten with its cruel laws of the pack. Comprehended here for the first time, they will remain unchanged in any subsequent team - in school, in the army, at work, in a nursing home. There is a hierarchy, and there is your place in it. To survive and be successful with women, you must be either strong or intelligent, or be able to tie your shoelaces skillfully.

The first fight

Mandatory masculine program. It is good to be able to resolve the conflict with words, especially if you know that you have in your reserve such an argument as a blow to the ear. Curious discovery: after a good fight you begin to feel sympathy for your opponent. Be ready that he will be your best friend. Unless, of course, you are sent to a juvenile colony.

The first orgasm

What was it? Where did these strange substances come from? Here it is necessary to understand, very carefully to understand. In general, the sensations are rather positive. And now, at three o'clock in the morning, it's time to wash the sheet. At the moment of this sacramental hygienic impulse the boy becomes a young man and joins the world chase for orgasm. It's better than cartoons, soldiers and ice cream combined. The goal of life for the next fifty years is determined.

First shave

Adolescents are characterized by paranoid doubts: will I really become a man? Will there be a genetic failure? Suddenly, something will not grow in me and I will not turn into a man, but a woman or a platypus? And now - hurray! Hooray! Long-awaited fluff on the cheeks. You have never hung before the mirror for as long as during this first shave session. The next three or four times will still be events, then the ritual will begin. From now on and forever you are an object of hunting for manufacturers of shaving products.

First love

A girl with pigtails in a plaid dress. You like her, which is strange. It's no good, you can not eat it, you can not play it, you do not even really talk to her. But it's all the same to you, when she's around, I want to do something, that she will pay attention to you. For example, knock out her tooth. Rejoice with your ignorance, you'll soon know too well why a boy needs girls. So good that it's even boring.

First woman

In theory, you knew everything about sex. Waiting for practice was the background of the last three or four years of life. You even pretended that you had not been a virgin for a long time, you twisted your lip in a cynical grin when experienced friends discussed their sex life, they say, we passed. And he envied, although to admit it is unpleasant. In general, the burden of virginity was heavier than all exams and training loads. And this happened. Yes, it lasted ten seconds, yes, you did not understand anything, but is this the main thing? In the shower all day long salutes are bursting, hormones are exulting. I am a man! I am a man! Welcome to the big sex. This form of breasts and these spirits will always remain your fetishes.

First intoxication, first hangover

And with them, and understanding the law of compensation - the better today, the worse tomorrow. For all the fun, it turns out, you have to pay. Health, remorse or this crack in the head. Just do not say "never again" in a hangover of any kind. Understand your feelings when you come back to normal, and never again drink wine after vodka. Especially of this wine and after such vodka. And yet, I wonder how much we drank yesterday? ..

The first erectile dysfunction

Hey, down there! Are you crazy out there? Here are all the ingredients - a naked woman ... Actually, what other ingredients do you need? Why the strike? Surprise from the first failure is even more frustrating. As if the hand refused to take a fork or the brain forgot how many will be three times six. This is only then you will understand that you can be worried or just tired. And now you are in a panic and depressed. I'm not a man! Leave you in this classic embarrassment, which all men experience before they wait, and years later they remember with affection.

The first car, the first accident

The first time you open the driver's door of a murdered (rather even stillborn) six, you feel immensely, superhumanly steep. You sit down slowly, having time to show off before all passers-by. Until now, your property could be picked up, or at least moved to another room. But this object does not fit into a bag, not even into an apartment, and yet it's yours! Somewhere up to your 10,000 mileage, the machine seems huge, you're afraid to hook the houses on different sides of the street at the same time. Then you start to squeeze into the alleys and arches. The car is getting smaller, and after 10,000 km comes the confidence that it is impossible to touch anything by the machine. Then it happens. Strange, because between the trolley and the concrete mixer was clearly visible lumen. How nekruto to stand on the avenue next to the rumpled immovable gland!

First job

At first it seems like a game, and you giggle to yourself: did this uncle in a suit seriously instruct you to take the folder with pieces of paper to the other end of the city? But that uncle at the other end of the city also retains a serious expression - it seems that they have conspired. The first few times the work will still be a game, then turn into a curse. There are only two ways out: to remind yourself that it's all for fun, or find a favorite thing. However, everyone has a favorite business - anyone has stock market machinations, who has archery. The first was more fortunate than the second, two thousand years ago it would be the other way around.

First marriage

Is not that the girl with pigtails? After all, you want to not only have sex with her, but also constantly to please her. For an egoist with experience, this is a new and pleasant feeling. You already gave everything that you had (and it was, I must admit, not so much). It seemed to you that she would be delighted if you arranged a wedding. Yes please, we do not mind! Take my freedom, I still do not use it. If you're lucky, you'll never know that freedom begins to be valued when it's not there, and you'll live happily in marriage until death or an apartment issue separates you.

First child

It is incomprehensible, where did this creature come from in your belly's belly. It is also unclear how it was generally placed there. However, philosophical issues are very effectively distracted by the three-hour motion sickness of the baby and a trip to the dairy kitchen at seven in the morning. You will experience a few strong emotions. Wonder: how small it is! In this case, even on the fingers of the pupal legs there are real nails, the size of this letter is "o". Fear: how helpless it is! Leave him lying, it will die of hunger and cold, can not drive away the fly and order a pizza. Responsibility: the old life is over. Now you belong not only to yourself, the decision to go for a year to Thailand or a dispute to climb the roof of the pipe is not so easy. Do not be afraid, in three years you will find in the child an excellent companion for games that are not played in childhood.

The first signs of baldness

The most heinous thing is that baldness can not be caught by the hand. It comes so gradually that you feel silly obsessed. It seems that here hair grew earlier! Or did not grow? Or is it just a forehead of such a strange shape? If you could look in the mirror no more than once a year, making the diagnosis would be easier. Although it is not very clear what to do with this diagnosis. It's easier to pretend that nothing happens to the hair, and when the old scar on the nape of the head moves to the forehead, it's very short. Forget, accept and continue to greedyly read news about cloning spare parts for a person.

First divorce

It's even interesting how you managed to do it - do not cherish each other's souls for ten years, adjust to each other, watch the same films, read the same books, sometimes even have sex and eventually grow up in two completely different people. God, I lived with this woman too! It has long been time to do this, you think, rising in the elevator with champagne and another laughing victim of your bestial sex-zagul. What have I done, you think, with disgust, picking another burned scrambled eggs in your poor kitchen, operatively removed odnushki. It's her fault! It's all my fault! Son, I'll definitely come on Sunday ... Honey, explain to me, who is Uncle Borya and why does he buy our baby videos? Do not you have enough money? You can imagine, me too! I will surely take my fishing rods, tent, backpack and winter rubber from the living room, when I will be able to lay them down.

The first sex with a woman is twice as young

You are only 34, she is already 17. This means that when she was born, you were as old as she is now. The main thing is not to think too much about this chronological curiosity, otherwise your quivering libido can feel like a pensioner and sit passively with a newspaper on the bench. The first time you wonder the gulf between the male and female nature. A creature that does not know life, a cheerful child with a bust makes you feel stupid and inexperienced. Congenital female wisdom works even in this misalliance. Before, you did not understand women simply because they are women, now you are beginning to share the difference of generations. You feel for the first time that your tastes are given by mothballs. Which, however, does not interfere with enjoying the situation.

The first gray

This albino traitor, who grew up amidst your weakened but young souls hair, means only one thing: you finally and irrevocably reached middle age. Hidden hopes that it is you who will remain forever young, it seems, do not come true. At first you hate white hairs with hatred, then - jokingly - you buy paint for gray hair and hide it so far from the outside view, as in youth did not hide the coveted page from the porn magazine, exchanged for a flashlight with a compass. And in fact about twenty years ago you considered gray hair imposing and envied to the friend who has casually decoloured a bang, having overturned on itself a bubble with liquid nitrogen ...

The first house

You were drawn to the ground. To my mind terrible thoughts come: do not plant a plant, do not take leisure time manual work. In general, a person should have his own house. Yes, enough to storm the fortresses of others, it's time to build your own. It will become a house with a capital letter. The one that you can come to after the battle for rest and feasts. Not in a night disco, not in a bar with billiards, but in your house. Am I really getting old? No! In the new house there will be 200-watt speakers and a billiard room in the attic.

The First Million

You often dreamed about what you would spend it on if you had it. And here he is, he crept up unnoticed. And he was given such works that I do not want to spend it somehow. In addition, a million was not a suitcase with dollars, and a much more speculative thing - shares, real estate. Go pick him up in a suitcase - the business will collapse right away. "Well, how is it, to be a millionaire?" - your inner correspondent for Forbes magazine asks you. "It's troublesome," you say. And the funniest thing is that one million is clearly not enough - one annual budget for your insurance is 20 years old. And there is nobody to complain, on top, including on financial, always lonely.

First Yacht

Big money requires material evidence of its existence. The car, the house, the second car ... What else? Hardly you have the courage not to buy at least one yacht, having the opportunity to buy an aircraft carrier. For the next couple of years, you again have something to strive for - furnish the cabins with carved furniture, hold the Internet, learn to smoke the pipe, discover that your yacht is not the coolest on the Adriatic, buy a bigger yacht, order a parquet for the helipad. It is a pity that you are crawling, or you could sometimes enjoy the sea walks, and not move from port to port by land by car.

The first sex with a woman three times younger

With sound thinking, you would not even look at her side thirty years ago. Then they were all about the same age as you, and the choice was based on the candidate's location on the "beautiful - ugly" scale. Becoming elderly, you with disgust understand what the cult of youth means. More and more forces are spent on trying to stop the time, linger in a society full of people. And now the main advantage of the partner is her youth. Her young skin, smooth face. We will assume that she is not interested in your money. In adulthood, one can forgive people for their small weaknesses.

The first Nobel Prize

You can not so worry at your age. But now they will understand and regret everything. Your first wife, that did not forgive a genius. Your second wife that threw a genius. Your third wife, who has not yet learned to fry for a genius potatoes according to his mother's recipe. How to press this coat! Since I bought it anyway, I will have to fight for the award next year. Stockholm, tribune, microphone, we must say something. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, it's better late than never! I have always respected all Swedish - Swedish matches and Swedish families! Long live IKEA and ABBA! "

The First Grandson

Where is the hassle, underdogs and flotillas of crowded diapers? Figushki, let the headache of your ungrateful children. Now you can enjoy only the pleasant side of communicating with the baby. Ladushki, ladushki, and who is naughty of us, who put the carnations in the socket ... What? To write on the grandfather ?! So, take this from me. I'll drop by the night and say good night. It is desirable that to my arrival he was dry and cheerful. Do not forget to rehearse the phrase "Dear grandfather, we love you very much!".

First island

At first, a hurricane wind and a flood seem like a touching attraction. Then they start to irritate, especially when the bites of scorpions are accompanied by the loss of electricity. A year later you begin to guess why this island was so cheap. In two you begin to study with interest the catalogs of island real estate - just like that, you're not at all interested in how much your island can be sold for. In three years you are ready to cede a paradise at half price. After five you give it away for a pittance, and your realtor opens your eyes: only foxes buy islands in the Pacific. But in the Atlantic - another matter ... By the way, there is one interesting proposal ...

The first book of memoirs

Somerset Maugham wrote a book of memoirs "Summing up" when he was 60. After that he lived another 30 years. When you're 60, it seems that the earthly path is passed, a man must retire and take up an inventory of the past. You will find that it is very pleasant to remember your life in detail, especially having a hack-work-journalist at your fingertips, who writes and embellishes your adventures for a lot of money. Almost as pleasant as at the reception of a psychoanalyst, it costs about the same amount, but after a psychoanalyst there are no pages with letters.

The first overdose of Viagra

Dizziness, visual impairment, stuffy nose. What is it - spring and first love? No, this means that it was necessary to take 50 mg of Viagra, as the doctor ordered, and not 200, as the heart commanded. Of course, I want to flash, of course, I want to distract this young 43-year-old partner from the district brigade of social security for pensioners from gloomy thoughts. She came to help you fill out the forms for light and gas. You just wanted to entertain her ... But everything needs a measure. With a dose of alcohol you decided fifty years ago, with Viagra everything is about the same - the last pill is usually superfluous.

The first false jaw

Finally, you can calmly brush your teeth as the doctor advises - from the roots to the tips, paying enough attention to both the external and internal surfaces of the teeth. You will no longer experience problems with the reach of hard-to-reach places - welcome to the world of "ordinary" brushes! You no longer have to build terrible faces, using flossing in the interdental spaces, you will do all the manipulations, carelessly smiling with toothless, perfectly clean gums. Yes, you are no longer shy of your smile, even at night it is with you, floating in a cup on the nightstand. And how could you have never thought to simplify your life so much?

The first will

In old age you start to think badly of people. Behind simple human impulses, you see self-interest and mockery. Why is this granddaughter looking at the wallpaper now? Probably already plans re-planning, after I die. It's disgusting, of course, but the innate intelligence (or innate harmfulness) makes you think about things like testament. But after the second and third draft, you are seized by the April Fools' thrill. It is necessary to present surprises to people, even if there is no opportunity to become their witness. Итак: находясь в здравом уме и твердой памяти, все мое движимое и недвижимое имущество я завещаю Самарскому отделению фан-клуба Depeche Mode !

Первая криозаморозка

Пора признать: твоя физическая оболочка износилась. Печень отваливается, сердце забывает стучать, глаза, уши и нос уже не те. Капитальный ремонт с помощью нанороботов все еще стоит дорого, так что самое время подождать сезона скидок в холодильнике. Кто знает, когда тебя разморозят? Ученые говорят, что не раньше чем через 50-100 лет плюс несколько месяцев на восстановление и омолаживание. На всякий случай возьми с собой пару десятков CD с любимой музыкой, фильмами и книжками. Неизвестно, какие вкусы будут через сто лет, а вероятность того, что «Аншлаг» и тогда будет самой популярной передачей, все еще очень велика.

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