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29 first time in a man's life

29 first time in a man's life




Even the most pleasant things after a few repetitions become boring, only the first times are remembered. The first car ...

... the first woman, the first hangover. They are placed in your life like milestones. To make it easier for you to navigate in your memories, we laid out the typical male first times on the time scale. You can write years yourself.

First birth

The man was sitting and did not touch anyone. It was warm and cozy. And suddenly - bang! - the light at the end of the tunnel, you are somewhere pushing, pulling; thanks if not the tongs. Instead of "hello" - a blow to the ass. It is so accepted here, welcome to the brave new world! Adventures begin. An unpleasant experience, we don’t like to remember it, so we don’t remember anything.

The first team

This is a kindergarten with its cruel laws of the pack. Comprehended here for the first time, they will remain unchanged in any subsequent team - at school, in the army, at work, in a nursing home. There is a hierarchy, and there is your place in it. To survive and be successful with women, you must be either strong or smart, or be able to skillfully tie shoelaces.

First fight

Mandatory men's program. It’s good to be able to resolve conflicts with words, especially if you know that you have such an argument as a blow to the ear. A curious discovery: after a good fight, you start to feel sympathy for your opponent. Be ready that he will become your best friend. Unless, of course, you are sent to a colony for minors.

First orgasm

What was it? Where do these strange substances come from? Here it is necessary to understand, very carefully to understand. In general, sensations are rather positive. And now, at three o'clock in the morning, it's time to wash a sheet. At the moment of this sacramental hygienic impulse, the boy becomes a young man and joins the global pursuit of orgasm. This is better than cartoons, toy soldiers and ice cream combined. The goal of life for the next fifty years is defined.

First shave

Paranoid doubts are common in adolescents: will I really become a man? Will there be a genetic failure? Suddenly something will not grow in me and I will turn not into a man, but into a woman or a platypus? And now - hurray! Hooray! - The long-awaited fluff on the cheeks. You have never hung in front of a mirror for as long as during this first shaving session. The next three or four times will still be events, then the ritual will begin. From now on and forever you are the object of the hunt for the manufacturers of shaving products.

The first love

A girl with pigtails in a plaid dress. You like her, which is strange. From her no sense, it can not be eaten, it can not play, you do not even talk to her. But you are still pleased when she is around, you want to do something so that she will pay attention to you. For example, knock out her tooth. Rejoice in your ignorance, soon you will know too well why the boy needs girls. So good that even boring.

First woman

In theory, you knew everything about sex. Waiting for practice was the background of the last three or four years of life. You even pretended that you were no longer a virgin, twisted your lip in a cynical grin when experienced buddies were discussing their sex life - they say, we were doing this. And he envied himself, although it was unpleasant to admit it. In general, the burden of virginity was heavier than all exams and study loads. And so it happened. Yes, it lasted ten seconds, yes, you did not have time to understand, but is it really the main thing? In the shower, salutes are torn all day long, hormones exult. I am a man! I am a man! Welcome to great sex. This breast shape and these spirits will forever remain your fetishes.

The first intoxication, the first hangover

And with them, and understanding of the law of compensation - the better today, the worse it will be tomorrow. For all the fun, it turns out, you have to pay. Health, remorse, or just this bang in my head. Just do not say to yourself "never again" in the hangover of any kind. Understand your feelings when you are normal, and never drink wine after vodka. Especially such a wine after such a vodka. Still, I wonder how much we drank yesterday? ..

The first erectile dysfunction

Hey, down there! Are you crazy out there? But all the ingredients are available - a naked woman ... Actually, what other ingredients do you need? Why strike? Surprise from the first failure is even stronger than disappointment. As if the hand refused to take the plug or the brain forgot how much it would be three times six. It is only later that you will realize that you can be worried or just tired. And now you're in a panic and depression. I'm not a man! Let us leave you in this classic embarrassment, which all men experience before they wait, and years later they recall with tenderness.

The first car, the first accident

The first time you open the driver's door of a dead (rather, even stillborn) six, you feel immensely, inhumanly steep. You sit down slowly, managing to show off in front of all the passersby. Until now, your property could be taken in hands or at least moved to another room. But this item does not fit into the bag or even in the apartment, and yet it is yours! Somewhere before your 10,000 mileage car seems huge, you are afraid to hook houses on different sides of the street at the same time. Then you begin to easily squeeze through alleys and arches. The car is getting smaller, and after 10,000 km there comes the confidence that it’s basically impossible to touch something with a car. Then it happens. Strange, because between the trolley and the concrete mixer was clearly visible clearance. How nekruto stand on the avenue next to a crumpled immovable piece of iron!

First job

At first, this seems like a game, and you giggle to yourself: did this uncle in a suit seriously instruct you to take a folder with papers to the other end of the city? But that uncle at the other end of the city also retains a serious expression on his face - it seems that they have agreed. The first few times the work will still be a game, then turn into a curse. There are only two choices: remind yourself that it's all for fun, or find a favorite thing. However, everyone has a favorite business - who has exchange manipulations, who has archery. The first was luckier than the second, two thousand years ago it would be the opposite.

First marriage

Isn't that a girl with pigtails? After all, you want to not only have sex with her, but also constantly delight her. For an egoist with experience, this is a new and pleasant sensation. You have already given everything that you had (and it was, I must admit, not so much). It seemed to you that she would be delighted if you arranged a wedding. Yes please, we do not mind! Take my freedom, still I do not use it. If you're lucky, you will never know that freedom begins to appreciate when it is not, and you will live in a marriage happily until death or housing problem will separate you.

First child

It is incomprehensible where this creature came from in your wife's belly. It is also not clear how it even fit there. However, three-hour rocking of the baby and trips to the dairy kitchen are very effectively distracting from philosophical questions. You will experience some strong emotions. Surprise: how small it is! Moreover, even on the fingers of the doll’s feet there are real nails, the size of this letter “o”. Fear: how helpless it is! Leave it to lie, it will die of hunger and cold, will not be able to get rid of a fly and order a pizza. Responsibility: the old life is the end. Now you belong not only to yourself, the decision to go to Thailand for a year or to get into the roof of a dispute through a pipe is not so easy. Do not be afraid, in three years you will find in your child a great comrade in games that have not been played as a child.

The first signs of baldness

The worst thing is that baldness cannot be caught by the hand. It comes so gradually that you feel quietly crazed. It seems that here before hair grew! Or did not grow? Or is it just a forehead of such a strange shape? If it were possible to look in the mirror no more than once a year, it would be easier to make a diagnosis. Although it is not very clear what to do with this diagnosis. It is easier to pretend that nothing happens to the hair, and when the old scar on the back of the head moves to the forehead, cut hair very shortly. Forget, accept and continue to eagerly read the news about the cloning of parts for a person.

First divorce

It is even interesting how you managed to - do not think about each other, for ten years to adapt to each other, watch the same films, read the same books, sometimes even have sex and eventually grow into two completely different people. God, I lived with this woman! It's time to do it, you think, rising in an elevator with champagne and another laughing victim of your after-sex sex-spree. What I have done, you think, with disgust picking the next burnt scrambled eggs in your wretched kitchen of an operatively removed odnushka. This is all her fault! It's all my fault! Son, I will definitely come on Sunday ... Honey, explain to me who Uncle Boris is and why he buys videos for our child? You do not have enough money? You can imagine me too! I will definitely take my fishing rods, a tent, a backpack and winter tires from the living room when I have to lay them down.

First sex with a woman half the age

You are still only 34, she is already 17. This means that when she was born, you were as old as she is now. The main thing is not to think too much about this chronological curiosity, otherwise your quivering libido may feel like a pensioner and passively sit down with a newspaper on the bench. The first time you wonder the gap between male and female nature. A creature who does not know life, a cheerful child with a bust makes you feel silly and inexperienced. Congenital female wisdom works even in this misalliance. Previously, you did not understand women simply because they are women, now the difference between generations begins to divide you. You feel for the first time that your tastes give off mothballs. That, however, does not interfere with enjoying the situation.

First gray hair

This albino traitor, who grew up among your thin hair, though thin with young soul, means only one thing: you have finally and irrevocably reached middle age. Hidden hopes that it is you who will remain forever young does not seem to come true. At first you tear out white hairs with hatred, then - just for fun - you buy paint for gray hair and hide it so far from prying eyes, as in your youth you didn’t hide the cherished porn magazine page traded on a flashlight with a compass. But twenty years ago you considered gray hair imposing and envied a friend who accidentally discolored the bangs, knocking over a bottle of liquid nitrogen ...

First house

You pulled to the ground. Terrible thoughts come to mind: whether to plant some plant, whether to occupy leisure with manual work. In general, a person should have his own house. Yes, enough to storm the fortress of others, it's time to build your own. She will be home with a capital letter. The one to which you can come after the battle for rest and feasts. Not in a night disco, not in a bar with billiards, but in your house. Am I getting old? Not! In the new house will be 200-watt columns and a billiard room in the attic.

First million

You often dreamed of what you would spend it on if you had one. And here he is, crept unnoticed. And it was given such works that I don’t feel like spending it. In addition, a million was not a suitcase with dollars, but a much more speculative thing - stocks, real estate. Come gather it in a suitcase - the business immediately collapse. “Well, how is it to be a millionaire?” Your Forbes magazine correspondent asks you. “Troubled,” you answer. And the funny thing is that a million is clearly not enough - for one insurance, your annual budget goes 20 years ago. And there is no one to complain, on top, including the financial one, it is always lonely.

First yacht

Big money requires physical evidence of its presence. The car, the house, the second car ... What else? It is unlikely that you have the courage not to buy at least one yacht, having the opportunity to buy an aircraft carrier. For the next couple of years, you have something to strive for again - to furnish the cabins with carved furniture, build the Internet, learn to smoke a pipe, find that your yacht is not the coolest on the Adriatic, buy a bigger yacht, order a parquet for a helipad. It is a pity that you are ukachivaet, but it would sometimes be possible to enjoy the pleasure of sea walks, and not to move from port to port by land by car.

First sex with a woman three times younger

With good thinking, you would not even look in her direction thirty years ago. Then they were all about the same age - the same as you - and the choice was based on the location of the candidate on the “beautiful - ugly” scale. Having become elderly, you understand with disgust what the cult of youth means. More and more forces are spent on trying to stop time, to linger in the society of full-fledged people. And now the main advantage of the partner is her youth. Her young skin, smooth face. We assume that she is not interested in your money. In adulthood, you can forgive people their small weaknesses.

First Nobel Prize

You can't be so worried about your age. But now they will understand and regret. Your first wife, that did not forgive the genius. Your second wife, that threw a genius. Your third wife, who so far has not yet learned how to fry potatoes for a genius according to his mom's recipe. How tight this coat! Since I bought it anyway, I will have to fight for the prize next year. Stockholm, tribune, microphone, something needs to be said. “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, better late than never! I have always respected all Swedish - Swedish matches and Swedish families! Long live IKEA and ABBA! ”

First grandson

Where is the hassle, lack of sleep and flotillas of overflowing diapers? Figushki, let your ungrateful children have a headache. Now you can enjoy only the pleasant side of communication with the baby. Ladushki, okay, and who's naughty here, who popped the carnation into the socket ... What? Write on grandfather ?! So, take this from me. I will come in the evening to wish the child good night. It is desirable that by my arrival he was dry and cheerful. Do not forget to rehearse the phrase "Dear grandfather, we love you very much!".

First island

At first, the hurricane wind and flood seem to be a touching attraction. Then they begin to annoy, especially when the scorpion bites are accompanied by the loss of electricity. A year later, you begin to guess why this island was worth so cheap. After two you begin to explore with interest the catalogs of island real estate - just like that, you are not at all interested in how much your island can be sold. In three years you are ready to give way to a paradise at half price. After five you give him away for a pittance, and your realtor opens your eyes to you: only fuckers buy islands in the Pacific Ocean. But in the Atlantic - another thing ... By the way, there is one interesting offer ...

The first book of memoirs

Somerset Maugham wrote a memoir “Summing Up,” when he was 60. After that, he lived another 30 years. When you are 60, it seems that the earthly path is passed, a man must retire and take an inventory of the past. You will find it very pleasant to remember your life in detail, especially if you have a hack journalist at your fingertips who, for big money, records and embellishes your adventures. Almost as pleasant as at the reception at the psychoanalyst - it costs about the same, but after the psychoanalyst there are no pages with letters.

The first overdose of Viagra

Dizziness, visual disturbances, stuffy nose. What is it - spring and first love? No, this means that it was necessary to take 50 mg of Viagra, as the doctor ordered, and not 200, as the heart ordered. Of course, I want to show off, of course, I want to distract from the gloomy thoughts this young 43-year-old partner from the district social security brigade of pensioners. She came to help you fill out the forms for the light and gas. You just wanted to entertain her ... But in all you need a measure. You decided on a dose of alcohol fifty years ago, with Viagra everything is about the same - the last pill is usually superfluous.

The first false jaw

Finally, you will be able to calmly brush your teeth as the doctor advises, from the roots to the ends, paying enough attention to both the external and internal surfaces of the teeth. You will no longer experience problems with the reach of hard-to-reach places - welcome to the world of "ordinary" brushes! You no longer have to build scary faces, wielding dental floss in the interdental spaces, you will do all the manipulations, smiling carelessly with toothless, perfectly clean gums. Yes, you are no longer ashamed of your smile, even at night she is with you, floating in a cup on the nightstand. And how did you not guess so simplify your life!

First will

In old age you start to think badly about people. For simple human impulses you see greed and mockery. Why is this granddaughter looking at the wallpaper now? Probably already planning redevelopment, after I die. Hate, of course, but innate intelligence (or inherent harm) makes you think about things like a will. But after the second or third draft, April Foolishness takes possession of you. It is necessary to give people surprises, even if it is not possible to become their witness. Итак: находясь в здравом уме и твердой памяти, все мое движимое и недвижимое имущество я завещаю Самарскому отделению фан-клуба Depeche Mode !

Первая криозаморозка

Пора признать: твоя физическая оболочка износилась. Печень отваливается, сердце забывает стучать, глаза, уши и нос уже не те. Капитальный ремонт с помощью нанороботов все еще стоит дорого, так что самое время подождать сезона скидок в холодильнике. Кто знает, когда тебя разморозят? Ученые говорят, что не раньше чем через 50-100 лет плюс несколько месяцев на восстановление и омолаживание. На всякий случай возьми с собой пару десятков CD с любимой музыкой, фильмами и книжками. Неизвестно, какие вкусы будут через сто лет, а вероятность того, что «Аншлаг» и тогда будет самой популярной передачей, все еще очень велика.

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