My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories
My wife was born under the sign of the earth. I was born under the sign of water. Together we create mud. Counting money in someone else's wallet is much easier if you take it away. To mock at the person from whom the wife left, it is possible only from envy. In Russia there are two troubles: fools and roads. When they are combined, tourists are obtained. The most useless thing on earth is the fence in the cemetery! No one can go outside, and no one wants to go in. What is pleasant in America - do not look for an exchanger. Conductor resistance, as a rule, is less than conductor resistance. Those who go to bed early, they get married late. Whoever hurts, it heals from others. Just a couple of years ago, I was scornful of blue ... A new breed of service dogs has been introduced - they can smell in the crowd the absence of a Moscow residence permit or registration. Real sailors do not say "This is shit," they say "It's unsinkable!".
"Good evening, young people!" Let me introduce myself. Patrol and post service, Sergeant Gorlenko. Stabbing, cutting objects are available? - No! - It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs? - Yes, you probably already have enough, Comrade Sergeant ...
Phone call: - Hello, Dad! I got married! "I do not know anything ... I should not be home until nine!"
"Do you have fused cheese?" - And what do you want? "Some sharp one." - Right now, we'll float and sharpen it!
The guy injured his finger on the arm and came to the doctor. Doctors say: - Undress. Guy: - Why ?! I just hurt my finger ... A man's voice from behind the screen: - It's that! I even came to fix the phone!
- Why are flies constantly rubbing their paws? - They have on their paws the main erogenous zones ...
Bush says to Putin: - You know, Vladimir, a lot of your compatriots are in our prisons! Putin: - George, on our potato stems of your countrymen sits much more!
Nine-tenths of the world's population believe that Columbus discovered America ... One-tenth - that it was discovered by the Vikings. And no one comes to mind that it was discovered by the Indians!
Two Russian programmers are speaking. One of the budget organizations, the other from the commercial. The one who is from the commercial, asks: - What is your salary? "Two hundred bucks." - Fine. And how much do you give to your wife? - One hundred fifty. "Well, you are greedy!" I've got a hundred bucks on the sheet, and then I give my wife 10 times as much!
My husband decided to visit his wife on a business trip unexpectedly. Came, immediately climbed into bed, stormy sex, violent orgasm. From behind the wall screams: - Well fuck it, please! I can not sleep with you five nights already!
"Who's crackling that appetite?" Can chips "ESTRELLA"? - No - it's me, fucking, I press the cockroaches ...
Nessage: ... is your energy with you? Release her! - Dava-ah-ah, dava-ah-ah, the TV from the window is thrown out-ah-ah! ..
Sidorov took his wife from Ivanov. Ivanov said nothing and got married a second time. Sidorov took his second wife from Ivanov. Ivanov married a third. In general, when Sidorov married Ivanov's fifth wife, he could not restrain himself: "Why are you taking all my wives?" Others have a wife too! And then Sidorov spread his hands and said: - And what if I only trust your taste ?!
The morning of the working day. The traffic cop stops the 600th Mers: - Inspector Ivanov. I have not had breakfast yet! - Killer Petrov. Already at work.
- And now Dima will tell you the story "Case in the Forest", which he invented himself. "I did not invent anything." They, however, were naked!
- How does a real man determine the moment of orgasm partner? - This man does not fuck!
From life. Estonia is ahead of the whole planet! They also introduced this crap, with the prohibition of liquor at night ... So they managed to arrange the rental of alcoholic beverages in their stores. In short, you take half a liter, you make a deposit, you leave. Later it is necessary either to return vodka, or to keep to itself, having lost the pledge. Need I say that the deposit is equal to the cost of the bottle? By legal nature, this is no longer a sale and purchase, and therefore is not subject to the law limiting the sale of alcohol.
- Why are you so sad? - Yes, last night I met a girl with a girl, they walked so cool, then-that's how she fucks great ... - So what, you can not forget her ?! - Yes, no ... remember ...
The wife chastises her husband after visiting the strip show: - Not only did you put 100 dollars worth of dancer panties under the elastic band, you also looked in there! - Pretty! I was thinking of finding a change there!
- For 14 years now you have been correcting me all the time! - the husband is indignant. - 15 years, dear, 15!
The most dreary and unpopular program "Parliamentary Hour" could become the most fun and most rating, if it were given in the translation of the Goblin.
In any business, the most important thing for us is quality and timing. Therefore, at first we think for a long time how to proceed to this better, and then we finish all this decisively and quickly.
I think soon our own Duma will pass a law on the replacement of education and health with preferential payments.
Mytishchi District Court banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.
My wife had a false pregnancy. Now false children run around the house.
Two parents in black slippers burst last night into the children's room, ordered everyone to lie face to face with a wall, and they themselves took out a large amount of computer consoles from the children's book.
A guy picking his index finger in his nose, approaches during a disco to a standing girl: - Let's dance ?! - I do not dance with such people! (he flicks the bug off the finger with a click): - And what's wrong?
From life. Yesterday my friend came to my wife. I can hear the conversation in the kitchen: "You see, this is the SALT OF DESIRE, FEN HUY is called ... ... Zarzhal for the whole apartment ... Fen Shui, fools !!!
The Frenchman and the German are walking past the pond. A girl with a fishing rod is sitting by the water. Frenchman: - Mademoiselle, you are charming against the background of nature, you have a beautiful fishing rod, and by the way, how does it bite? The girl: - Bars badly - forgot to take the bait ... Frenchman: - Oh, mademoiselle - yes you are sitting on such a fascinating "bait"! The girl laughed, the men went on ... After a while the German asked the Frenchman: "Listen - how did you know that she had worms ?!"
But is it true that if a triangle with the letter S is installed on the machine, is the machine driven by a Specialist? The girl was so scary that neighbor cats tried to bury her a couple of times in the sandbox. Sober is not a drunk comrade, but a means of transportation. All people stand differently. Like portraits on bills. Gaskets - the art of earning even on monthly. A cigarette smoker dies of lung cancer, a pipe smoker - from lip cancer, a non-smoker - from all other cancers. Want to become a good oligarch - swing the oil and do not swing the right. Intuition is the ability of the head to smell an asshole. Keep your mouth shut - at the ready. A cultured person instead of "fuck you" writes "at last".
In the dining car: - Waiter, I'm waiting for beer 200 kilometers ...
From life. Today, in the smoking room, I heard the expression of one of our nurses: "Incest is such a thing that you can deal with the entire family ... These are our cheerful sisters ..."
"Have you bought a sausage?" - Sausage ?! Did not drink!
Relations at work resemble life on the sea reef - and there and there are sharks and small fishes ... With only one difference - on the reef you are surrounded by arthropods, and at work - arthropods ...
From life. I bought a four-year-old daughter's coloring the other day. There on each page are simple two-line rhymes about a colorable animal. So, under one cute kitten, the following is written (I read to my daughter out loud, with an expression, for everyone): "They tied a bow to her pussy, they'd better give us a sausage." Reading ceased for a long time ...
- And what does your dog eat? - Yesterday I bitten that guy's knee. - What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappi" with a taste of the knee over that man ...
- Honey, something you are unfriendly and rude today ... Do you have pre- or post-menstrual syndrome? - Vme-e-esto!
- Sun! - What, cat? "Fish, make breakfast." - Of course, a bear cub. "Thank you, swallow." - You're welcome, goat. - I love you, pussy! "I love you too, bunny!" - Wait a minute! Do not you also remember my name? !!
"I'm at the bar ... Do you want to bring anything to someone?" "Bring me Lyonya from there - I need him urgently ..."
Conversation of two friends: - You understand, lately I somehow feel insecure ... - And what, there is an excuse ?! What did he, for example, come home late? Or maybe some incomprehensible calls, or lipstick on his shirt? - No, it's okay - but still somehow restless ... - You know, darling - all men are divided into three categories: impotent, womanizer and homosexual ... So you just decided who is more comfortable with you. ..
The man can not understand the mind, Powerless logic-science. To him you will be given - will tell "a whore", And you will not be given up - the "bough" will tell.
I love, fucking, author's song, when you sit, fucking, by the fire. When, fuck, we're fucking fucking together, we're fucking fuckin 'till the morning ...
In a plane crash over the tundra in the soft snow, along with their mandarins, the Georgian fell. He skidded and he freezes. Goes past the Chukchi and sees - a new snowdrift! He takes out the blue-painted Georgian, puts him in sledge and carries him to his tent. There pours a glass of vodka and says: - Are you Georgian? Then say a toast! A shivering Georgian with a glass in his hand: - If I'm told at home in hot weather - Givi, dear, let's drink a wine in a tin, where it's cooler - I'll wait for his mother !!!
There is no gender equality: peeking out of women's panties from pants is considered erotic, and peeking out men's panties from an unfastened fly is indecent.
The young man heard a frightened cry and saw that in the sea someone was floundering among the waves. He rushed to the rescue and, diving several times under the water, pulled out a young beautiful girl who was barely breathing. On the beach they were waiting for the mother of the girl. A strict glance at the savior, she asked: - Young man, immediately explain to me why you have been underwater with my daughter for so long!
"Grandfather, what's your name?" - We are healthy. "So there are a lot of you here?" - No, I'm alone. This is my surname: Sidorovy.
Switzerland. Alps. Expensive restaurant with a balcony over the precipice. At the table sat a man in a suit with a box of expensive Swiss chronometers and one by one throws them down, pensively watching the flight ... Visitors curiously ask the bartender what is happening. "A new Russian, gentlemen ... Melancholy!" He watches how fast time flies ...
Hand the medal to the mother-heroine. Flowers, correspondents ... - How many children do you have? - Eight. - And the age? - 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. - So, 6 years ago decided that it was enough already? - Well no. Just bought a TV ...
After the next report from the biathlon tracks, Dmitry Guberniev received a severe reprimand from the management of the channel "Sport" - he incorrectly indicated the terms of the menstrual cycles of our biathletes ...
- Why do not black people eat chocolate? - And they are afraid of biting off their fingers ...
- How did you celebrate Maslennitsa? - Great! In the morning I burned a stuffed mother-in-law - she understood the hint and went away in the evening.
"The defendant, what have you done with the hundred dollars you stole?" "I spent it on Mary, a cabaret girl." - Do not deceive the court. Mary never takes more than five!
From life. We sit, then, at a lecture on economics. Teacher - an important such a Jew - for a long time displays on the board some formulas. As a result, he does not agree with the result, he begins to look for a mistake and grit: - Ah, here I lied here in the demand formula ... Suddenly everyone in the audience ceases and can be heard from behind the desk: pizdunishka ... Comes Tymoshenko to Yushchenko says to him: "Listen, Vitya, there Renat Akhmetov arrives, takes money with him, asked for you to meet him at the airport ..." "Yes, you, I'm the president and some Donetsk authority still have to meet ... - Vitya, you do not understand, he really carries a LOT of money ... - Okay, I'll sit in the car .. so be it ... - About asked you to meet him officially on the red carpet and flowers ... - Yes, he is human, finally ohrenel ??? - You do not understand, he carries so much money that it will suffice to pay off all foreign economic debts of Ukraine ... Airport. Aircraft. The Red carpet. Yushchenko with flowers. On the stairwell, Renat comes down with a huge suitcase ... And then Julia notices that Yushchenko's trouser got into the sock ... Tymoshenko, pushing Yushchenko in the side: - Vitya, pants, Vitya, pants ... Yushchenko taking off his pants and bending down: - BL ..... L, YES HOW MUCH MONEY DOES IT WORK ??
"I told you that you can drink no more than two glasses and go home no later than ten in the evening."
- Yes? So I got it all mixed up.
In the wasteland, the foreman refers to a team of builders:
- My friends! Today we will begin! And remember: we build solidly, without theft of material, we build as best as possible, as soon as we are able, because we build for ourselves.
- And what will we build? the workers ask.
- Sobering-up station!
The wife, having returned from the trip, found in the kitchen a lot of empty bottles.
"Where did they come from?" she asks.
- I myself am surprised! I never bought empty bottles.
Stirlitz walked through Berlin at night. Suddenly he heard a crash.
This bug he would have learned from thousands of others - it was Bormann's moped.
Stirlitz walked in the dark. On the right a glimpse of a shadow.
"It's Bormann," thought Stirlitz.
"Yes, it's me," thought Borman.
Stirlitz cautiously entered Bormann's office and, making sure that there was no one, went to an inferior cupboard, where Bormann kept secret documents.
Stirlitz hit the cabinet on the left. He did not open. Then Stirlitz hit him on the right. The closet did not open. Stirlitz lifted it and threw it to the floor with a swing. The closet did not open.
"Probably, it's closed," thought Stirlitz and climbed into his pocket for the key.
One day at a stop to a nice young girl (D), a well-suited, oh-so-very shy (M)
(M) (quietly and vppadchivo) - Girl ... I'm sorry ... I ... I ... want you ...
(D) (very embarrassed and quiet) - Sorry, but I'm shy ...
(M) (bolder) - But I really want you ...
(D) (even more embarrassed and quiet) - But I'm very shy ...
(M) (stastno) - But I really want you-I really want to!
(D) (kpasneya) - But I'm VERY VERY embarrassed ...
(M) - Well and went to @ # $ !!! (leaves).
(D) (after gromko) - So you, your mother, wanted, how I was shy !!!
The peasant comes to the restaurant, calls the waiter:
- A bottle of vodka, a porridge of semolina porridge!
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and took the order. The guy second ordered the same thing and the third one too.
The waiter did not single out:
- You would at least take something to eat!
- Young man! Today I plan to get drunk in my plans, and the more I blame for everything.
A nimble waiter jumped the grains of water onto the customer's shirts. To the indignant exclamations of the postpaid, the owner escaped:
"I can assure you, Monsieur," he said, "that we have a clean water and, I hope, your breeches will not be spoiled."
In addition, we have such inexpensive service that your suits will dry completely when the dessert is served.
Good afternoon! We are reporting from our special Olympiad. At our Olympics, there is no doping control. Yes, yes, athletes do NOT check for doping. Absolutely. So...
A Finnish athlete jumped for 27 meters. Very, very good result for the chess player.
- Thirteen dead and sixty wounded. This is the result of an unsuccessful throw in curling.
-Only the pole vault Sergei Bubka did. The audience is looking forward to when he finally lands.
- Spearmen today especially pleased. The result - two downed Boeing ... and one Sergei Bubka.
-This is the third hour the Chinese gymnast is spinning on the crossbar ...
-Org. the committee decided not to release hammer throwers today, for security reasons.
-And in a marathon the runner from Kenya traditionally wins. He is the only one who reached Kenya.
-Only it became known that the entire organizational committee disappeared somewhere. And on the site go hammer throwers.
-Canadian cyclist in a hurry to forget the bike ... but it does not prevent him to come to the finish line first!
-Then, the Chinese gymnast continues to spin on the crossbar ...
-The hammer maker makes a throw ... and the Chinese gymnast seems to have gotten it.
-And in conclusion our traditional sorokoborye. Let's see the performance of the Russian athlete. Here he runs a thousand meters.
He jumps with the pole. Took the bar. He ran a hundred meters. I put the bar.
Washer, washer! Shah, mate! Gooooool! Excellent result! And the athlete goes to the second round.
There are two friends.
"I've been to Paris!"
- Well, what did you do there?
"Yes, I've been swimming in the Seine!"
- Here's a fool - in the hay e *** sya, but she is swimming ...
A young man invites a young woman to dance confidently. Having determined by eye that the gentleman is somewhat younger than her, she declares:
- I can not dance with a child.
"Sorry, I did not know you were pregnant."
"Let's kiss, my dear!"
- In no case! My mother is against kissing.
"But I'm not going to kiss your mother."
"Madam, I found a malfunction in your car."
- Which one?
- Short circuit.
- So extend it!
- You know, you had to walk more carefully, - said the woman who shot down a pedestrian. - I am very attentive driver. I've been driving a car for seven years.
"Then you can not have any complaints against me: I have been going for forty-five years."
At the exam for the rights.
- Alas! says the instructor. "You did not give it away."
"How could I pass it if I did not even move?"
"And how could you get moving if you climbed into the backseat?"
My wife gave her husband two ties. He immediately tied one on his neck.
Wife is offended:
"Do not you like the second one?"
The receptionist asks the woman.
- Yes. Twice.
"Rabinovich, do you like the hymn of the Soviet Union?"
"A hymn is good, no words!"
The repatriated Armenian fell into a sewer hatch. He broke his leg and groans, scolds the worker.
- Bandit! Why did not you put a warning red flag?
"And when you landed in Naples on a Soviet steamer, did not notice on it such a big red flag?"
- What would happen to Leningrad, if there was an earthquake equal in strength to Tashkent?
- From it would remain St. Petersburg.
Operational hall. Hirupg speaks to the student-practical:
- I know, the old man, that you have this first operation.
Of course, she will not be very healthy, but when you open the patient, do not press too hard on the scalpel, you can repel the table.
The nurse advises the patient:
- If you want to thank the priest, do it before the operation, otherwise it can be too late.
Doctor speaks to the practitioner:
"Ivanov, go and make a sick injection."
Together with Ivanov is his one-man Petrov.
- And where are you going? - asks the doctor.
- We have a narrow specialization: he knows how to do injections, and I know where to stab.
Vovochka stops the car:
"Uncle, take me to the school."
"I'm going the other way."
- All the better.
One cock says to another:
- Let's go to the deli.
- What for?
"We'll see the naked chickens ..."
"Listen to Abram, do you play the trombone?" - No.
"And your brother Moysha?" - Yes.
- What "yes? - Also no.
How to get rid of bedbugs?
- You have to buy lottery tickets and cover them with a room.
If at least one ticket wins, the bugs will die of laughter.
How to determine the frontier, where is Georgia, and where is Armenia?
- It is necessary to put on the front of the naked woman: gpuzin fit the spade, and the Armenian from behind.
What is softer than anything in the world?
- Fist. Even on a soft cushion it is put under the head.
Compote of tendons
Rice vodka (with a sawdust porridge)
Beer "Armenian", three stars
Official site "Formula 1"
Cocktail "Bloody gelding"
Mahorka smoking "Krupskaya"
Cornflowers and forget-me-not stand on the field
"Forget-me, do you want?"
- Yes ...
"Where are those damned bees?"
The guy and the girl go and are silent. He is asking:
"Why are you silent all the time?"
- I want to - and keep quiet.
- Do you want to - and are silent? !!?!?!?
There is a hare in the forest, a bottle is standing. "Oh, here's the booze," the hare thought, drank a little and fell off to sleep.
There is a fox in the forest. He comes to this place and says: "Oh!
Here's a drink and a snack! "Drinks, falls.
There is a wolf. "Oh! Binge, snack and baba !: -o" Drinks, falls.
There is a bear. "Oh! Binge, snack, baba and there is someone who can fill: -O"
Also in court. The son of a pink-cheeked big man killed his old mum and dad with special cruelty, sadism and brutality. Judge: - What was the cause of such a terrible crime?
Sinulya: (He presses, picks his foot on the floor, lowering his eyes down - ashamed - he speaks with a bass) - And chevo-oh-oh-they-and-u ...
A family (father, mother and their son-moron) rides on the train to rest to the sea.
The son asks:
-P-Paaap, and what is moooe.
"Do you understand my son, the sea is a sand, pebbles, a lot of water, waves, understand?"
We arrived in the resort city, get to the place of rest. A son:
-P-Paaap, and what is moooe?
- The sea is water, sand, stones, understand?
We came to the beach, father and son came to the waist in the water. A son:
-P-Paaap, and what is moooe?
-SEA? This SAND, WATER, - grabs his son by the hair and is wet in the water - Yes, here it is the sea, behold, I understood the moron?
-P-pee, and what is deeeeebil?
A man came to Moscow in the evening. It was cold, damp, went to some hotel rooms as always was not and settled him with a foreigner somehow. Vanya says: - John, let's drink to friendship between peoples ...
"... for disarmament ..."
- ... For peace throughout the world ... In the morning, both woke up with a terrible hangover ... the head hurts and all that
- John go to the store to buy beer .. He told him on his fingers that he does not speak Russian
- Well, I'll write it to you on a piece of paper, you'll show the saleswoman in the store, she'll understand.
John comes to the store, shows a note to the saleswoman.
The saleswoman is reading ... And
W e n u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u uu matte?
- No beer today No I'm fucking TALKING ...
The Englishman asks his wife:
"Tell me, dear Margaret, have you cheated on me during our marriage?"
"Dear John, last year, as you might have noticed, I had a mink cloak. As far as I remember, you did not buy it for me.
"I'm sorry, dear." The Frenchman turns to his wife:
"Tell me, Jeanne, did you change me during our marriage?"
- Dear Auguste, last summer I had a "Citroen", the purchase of which you did not give me money.
"I'm sorry, dear." Russian asks his wife:
"Listen, Klava, tell me, how in the spirit, have you changed me for our joint life?"
"You remember, Fedya, last summer we lost your crocheted boots ..."
There is a lecture "sex and marriage", the lecturer addresses the audience with the question:
- Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to know what is the frequency of your sexual relations? For the answer, just raise your hand. First I will ask those who make love daily. Has flown about 30 hands. - Very good. Who makes love once or twice a week? Hands raised most of those present.
- And now, admit, are not there such people here who make love once a year? Instantly the man jumps up and joyfully shouts:
- I! I!
- Hmm, this is very interesting, but why are you so happy?
"You see," the man chokes with delight, "it will happen today!"
The wife says to her husband:
"I'll run to my neighbor for a minute, and you stir the gruel every half hour."
The recipe for fried eggs:
- Kate - I want to eat, sho fuck!
Competitions - who will drink more.
The commentator from the competition comments:
Now the Frenchman will be on the platform. He will drink cognac with glasses.
The first glass. The Second Wineglass. The third glass ..........
Broken! The Frenchman broke! Russian at this time is warming up with red ...
Now on the platform will be an American! He will drink whiskey with glasses.
First glass. The second glass. The third glass ......
Broken! The American broke! Russian at this time is warming up with red ...
And finally the Russian comes out. He will drink jug with scoops.
First scoop. Second dippers. The third bucket.
dippers .... While replacing the dippers Russian at this time is warmed up red.
Spring. The sun is shining. Leaflets are dismissed. On the ground appears a small mound, from it protrudes a chevyvyachok, looks around, poduetsya. Nearby there is another mound, out of it protrudes a second cap, looks out, sips, raises. He sees the first woman, reaches out to him: "I love you!"
First woman: - Go away, durak, I'm your ass.
A syphilitic and drug addict sit in the cell.
The syphilitic touches his nose - he falls off, the syphilitic throws it through the grille of the window. Then he touches the ear - it falls off, the syphilitic also throws it away. Narkoman screams, shakes his head and says: "I'm sticking out, as you are fading from here in parts ..."
Two Jews are sitting in the outhouse:
"Do you think this is mental work or physical work?"
"If it was a physical job, I would hire a man ..."
At work, an old Jew dies. Another old Jew is sent to prepare his wife. He comes to the right place, he phones the apartment:
"Excuse me, does the widow Rabinovich live here?"
"Sorry, I'm not a widow."
- Can we argue?
There is such a folder "My Documents". This is a very important folder. She has both an accountant and a personnel officer. Recently I looked in a similar folder on my colleague's computer. She called the sick man from home and gave instructions on how to get the document.
- So, the folder "My Documents"
- there you go in the folder "X @ ynya"
- EEE here 2 folders: "every x @ ynya" and "x @ ynya, worse than any x @ yni." Do I need anything?
- the second.
- There is.
- So, there you go in the folder "on @ bistika."
- Well. There in the folder "@ buchiy Rostov" - the document "Add. agreement. Ivanov. " Here you need it.
- Thank you, Olenka
One day the pop, the mullah and the rabbi decided to go out to dinner.
They drank, they talked. Pop says that one day a parishioner comes to him and asks him that when he dies, he should put $ 1000 in his coffin (useful in the next world). But the church somehow needs to somehow live, so he took the pop himself $ 100, and put $ 900 in the coffin. The same happened to the mullah, but there the mullah took $ 200, and put $ 800 in the coffin. And the rabbi says, you are such a frivolous people, you do not feel sorry for a man, so I, honest, said, I took and put a check in the coffin for the entire amount of $ 1000.
- Let's drink to the most lovely, the most beautiful, the kindest, the most affectionate, the most. In general, for us, men!
In the morning, the wife sends her husband for milk. The husband takes a can and with the words "Is it that it's a man's business to go for milk?" throws the can into the corner.
Seeing such a thing the wife undresses, goes to bed and, taking the appropriate pose, affectionately says:
"Well, go on, be engaged in a man's business."
"And where did that cap come from?"
"Are you free this evening?" - One of the clients of the hairdresser refers to a manicurist.
"By God, I do not know," she replies, "ask my husband about this, he is shaving you right now
The wife says to her husband:
- Dinner will be ready soon. Then I buy children, put them to sleep, put buttons on your shirt, and you can go to the movies!
"Very good," says her husband. "And when will you run for tickets?"
The warrant officer was ordered to explain to the soldiers the consequences of the explosion of the neutron bomb.
I got up before the ranks and yelled:
"Soldiers!" Imagine twenty, no - forty, yes there - a hundred barrels of vodka, which there is nobody to drink!
Odessa meets a friend holding on to a swollen cheek.
"What's wrong with you, Misha?"
- I just had two teeth removed.
"But you told me this morning that you had a toothache!"
- The dentist did not have a change ...
- When is the truth born in a dispute?
"When the boss comes into the argument."
- What is an exchange of views?
- When you go into the chief's office with your own, and you leave - with his.
"I used to often meet with Mr. Smith, who served in your bank." I understand that he was a diligent and trusting servant?
- He was gullible, yes. And I would be diligent if I could catch him by the hand.
The girl received a letter from her friend who served near the Falkland Islands. In the envelope, instead of writing, she found a short note: "Your friend still loves you, but he talks too much." Censor. "
In one of the suburban hotels of Plymouth, the guests were raised at night from the bed with a thundering scream coming from the corridor. Opening the door, they saw a funny picture: behind a pretty girl in a negligent chased like a crazy, completely naked gentleman. The next day it turned out that this Romeo was none other than a major in the British army. The major was put on trial, but the defender won the trial, referring to the paragraph of the army regulations, which reads:
"It is not necessary for an officer to wear a uniform when he is engaged in the kind of sport for which appropriate clothing is required."
"Private, name your favorite book," the chaplain asked.
"The sick man's book, Father."
"Waiter, one steak."
- With what side dish?
"Just your usual steak." I want to put it under the table leg so that it does not swing.
One gentleman asked the other on the street:
"Where did you get the sausage?"
- Yes, that's in that store.
"Do you have a lot of people?"
- Yes, no one. Even - the seller.
"My dear, how small the world is!" Yesterday I found out that your third wife and my second husband are spending a honeymoon in the villa of the first husband of your second wife!
Petya and Vasily Ivanovich are running into the attack. Petya criticizes:
"Vasily Ivanovich!" You pants shot down your pants!
- Hep with them Petya!
- Duc and I are the same.
- Vasily Ivanovich, our children caught an enemy spy.
Let's hang it!
"No way!" From the gallows, he can see the location of our division!
"Petya, where's Anka?"
- With appendicitis lies.
- Appendicitis to the wall, Anka to me.
"Why does not Maria marry?"
- She is waiting for her ideal man.
- And what is this ideal?
"It's a man who wants to marry her."
"If I jump into the water, will you save me, dear?"
"And if I say yes, will you jump, darling?"
She and he live in perfect harmony: the same tastes, the same ideas, the same desires. Only it took him five years to adapt to this.
By crossing the house-decorative breed of muskrats - the trachuholi - and the fat-meat breed - tumors - a new home-decorative breed of desiccants of blue coloring - in a tumor has been introduced by Georgian scientists.
- Something you, infection, has long been no longer visible? - says the doctor, looking at the microscope at the bacillus.
During the Cold War and the arms race, Ronald Reagan Mikhail Gorbachev once invited to the United States. After the usual ceremonies, Reagan led Gorbachev into an underground secret bunker. "What's here?" asks Gorbachev.
"This is the control panel of all the US nuclear forces," Reagan replies. "The US president will be here during the nuclear war."
Gorbachev notices the synthesizer, comes up, presses the key. Reagan screams in horror:
- What have you done?
Runs out, comes back and says:
- You can erase your city of Magadan from the map.
Gorbachev gloomily, was upset and left. A month later he sends an invitation to Reagan. He comes. Gorbachev immediately drags him into the bunker. Says: - And here will be the Politburo of the CPSU Central Committee during the nuclear war.
Reagan sees in the corner a huge keyboard organ. After thinking, he presses a key. Gorbachev looked at it, then came up and said:
- And why trifle?
Sits down for the organ and begins to play:
- "The Union is indestructible ..."
The senior recruiting point refers to the subordinates:
"Why did you take this type of service?" In my opinion, he absolutely does not fit: he has limp, strabismus, and in addition to everything else, and a hump!
"But when he desertes, it will be quite easy to find him."
A specialist in the scientific organization of labor acquainted the chief of staff with a personal computer:
"This device, sir, will halve the amount of work you do."
- well! Install in my office two such computers.
The military parade hosts infantry, tanks, guns. After the parade, the father asks a little son:
- Well, what do you think was the best?
- Ice cream, Dad.