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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

My wife was born under the sign of the earth. I was born under the sign of water. Together we create mud. It is much easier to count money in someone else’s wallet if you take it away. It is possible to mock the man from whom the wife left, only out of envy. In Russia, two evils: fools and roads. When they combine, tourists are obtained. The most useless thing on earth is a fence at the cemetery! No one can go outside, and no one wants to go inside. What is pleasant in America - do not look for an exchanger. Conductor resistance is usually less than conductor resistance. Those who go to bed early, they marry late. Who has what hurts, he treats it with others. A couple of years ago, I despised the blue ones ... A new breed of service dogs was bred - they can smell the absence of Moscow registration or registration in the crowd. Real sailors do not say "This is shit", they say "This is unsinkable!".
- Good evening, young people! Let me introduce. Patrol and inspection service, Sergeant Gorlenko. Piercing, cutting objects are there? - Not! - It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs? - Yes, you probably already have enough, comrade sergeant ...
Phone call: - Hello, Dad! I got married! “I don’t know anything ... so that at home there was no later than nine!”
- Do you have processed cheese? - And what do you want? - Any sharp. - Right now, we float and sharpen!
The guy hurt his finger and came to the doctor. The doctor says: - Take off your clothes. Guy: - Why? After all, I just hurt my finger ... A man’s voice from behind a screen: - This is what! I actually came to fix the phone!
- Why do flies constantly rub their paws? - They have on their paws the main erogenous zones ...
Bush says to Putin: - You know, Vladimir, a lot of your compatriots are in our prisons! Putin: - George, on our potato stalks of your compatriots sits much more!
Nine-tenths of the population of the Earth are sure that Columbus discovered America ... One-tenth that the Vikings discovered it. And it never occurs to anyone that it was discovered by the Indians!
Two Russian programmers are talking. One of the budget organization, the other from the commercial. The one that is commercial, asks: - What is your salary? - Two hundred bucks. - Fine. And how much do you give to your wife? - One hundred fifty. - Well, you and greedy! I here on the list get a hundred bucks, and then I give my wife 10 times more!
The husband decided to unexpectedly visit his wife on a business trip. Arrived, immediately got into bed, rough sex, rapid orgasm. Screams from behind the wall: “Well, fuck it down, please!” I can’t sleep with you for five nights already!
- Who is this appetino crunches? Maybe chips "estrell"? - No - it's me, fucking, I press the cockroaches ...
Nessafe advertising: ... is your energy with you? Release her! - Dawa-ay, dava-ay, throwing the TV out of the window-a-ah! ..
Sidorov stole his wife from Ivanov. Ivanov kept silent and married for the second time. Sidorov stole his second wife from Ivanov. Ivanov married the third. In general, when Sidorov married the fifth wife of Ivanov, he could not resist: - What are you, you bastard, take all my wives? Others also have wives! And then Sidorov spread his hands and said: - And what if I only trust your taste ?!
Morning of the working day. A traffic cop stops the 600th Merce: - Inspector Ivanov. Have not had breakfast! - Killer Petrov. Already at work.
- And now Dima will tell you the story "The Case in the Forest", which he invented himself. - I did not invent anything. True, they were naked!
- How does a real man determine the moment of partner's orgasm? - This is not a real man fuck!
From life. Estonia ahead of the rest! They also introduced this crap, with the prohibition of the sale of alcohol at night ... So they managed to arrange in their stores hire alcohol. In short, you take half a liter, you make a pledge, you leave. Later you have to either return the vodka, or leave yourself, losing a deposit. Do I have to say that the pledge is equal to the cost of the bottle? By legal nature, this is no longer a sale and purchase and therefore does not fall under the law restricting the sale of alcohol.
- Why are you so sad? - Yes, I met a girl last night, they walked so coolly, that-that - so she fucks so cool ... - So what, you can't forget her ?! - Yes, no ... remember ...
The wife reprimands her husband after visiting a strip show: - Not only did you put as much as 100 bucks under the elastic of your panties, you also looked in there! - Pretty! I thought there to find a change!
- For 14 years now you have been constantly correcting me in everything! - the husband is indignant. - 15 years, dear, 15!
The most dreary and unpopular “Parliamentary Hour” program could have become the most fun and top rated if it were given in Goblin translation.
In any case, the main thing for us is quality and time. Therefore, at first we think for a long time how to get better at it, and then we will definitely and quickly end it all.
I think that soon our native Duma will pass a law on the replacement of education and health care with preferential payments.
Mytishchi District Court has banned the sale of shares of Microsoft on the New York Stock Exchange.
My wife had a false pregnancy. Now false children are running around the house.
Two parents in black slippers broke into the children's room last night, ordered everyone to lie down facing the wall, and they themselves took out a large amount of computer consoles from the children's book.
The guy, picking his index finger in his nose, comes up to the standing girl during the disco: - Let's dance ?! - I don't dance with such people! (flicks the bob off the finger with a click): - And why is that?
From life. Yesterday a friend came to his wife. I hear a conversation in the kitchen: - You see, this is the SOL OF DESIRE, FENGHUI is called ... ... Charged to the whole apartment ... Fen Shui, fools !!!
Frenchman and German walk past the pond. Near the water sits a girl with a fishing rod. Frenchman: - Mademoiselle, you are charming against the backdrop of nature, you have a beautiful fishing rod, and by the way, how are you biting? Girl: - They bite badly - I forgot to take the bait ... Frenchman: - Oh, Mademoiselle - yes, you are sitting on such an enticing "bait"! The girl laughed, the men went on ... After a while, the German asked the Frenchman: - Listen - how did you know that she had worms?
Is it true that if a triangle with the letter W is installed on the car, then the Specialist drives the car? The girl was so scary that the neighbors' cats tried to bury her a couple of times in the sandbox. Sober drunk is not a friend, but a means of transportation. All people stand differently. Like portraits on the bills. Gaskets - the art of making even monthly. Cigarette smokers die of lung cancer, pipe smokers from lip cancer, non-smokers from all other cancers. Do you want to become a good oligarch - download oil and do not download rights. Intuition is the ability of the head to smell an ass. Keep your mouth shut - ready. Cultural man instead of "fuck" writes "finally."
In the dining car: - Waiter, I'm waiting for a beer for 200 kilometers ...
From life. Today in the smoking room I heard the expression of one of our nurses: - Incest is such a thing that you can do with the whole family ... Such are our cheerful sisters ...
- Did you buy sausage? - Sausage ?! Did not drink!
Relationships at work resemble life on a sea reef - both there and there both sharks and small fish ... With only one difference - arthropods surround you on the reef, and at work - arthropods ...
From life. I bought a four-year-old daughter the other day. There on each page - simple two-line rhymes about the painted animal. So, under one cute kitten the following is written (I read my daughter out loud, with an expression, for all): "They tied a bow to a pussy, It would be better to give a sausage." Reading stopped for a long time ...
- What does your dog eat? - Yes, yesterday, I bit the knee over that guy. - What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappy" with the taste of his knees over that guy ...
- Honey, are you unfriendly and rude today ... Do you have pre-or postmenstrual syndrome? - Vme-e-esto !!!
- Sun! - What, cat? - Fish, make breakfast. - Of course, bear. - Thank you, swallow. - Not at all, goat. - I love you, pussy! - I love you too, bunny! - Wait a minute! You also do not remember my name? !!
- I am in a bar ... Anyone to bring something? - Bring me Lenya from there - I urgently need him ...
Two friends are talking: - Do you understand, lately I have been feeling uncertain about myself ... - And what, is there a reason ?! What, for example, did he come home late? Or maybe some strange calls, or lipstick on the shirt? - No, everything seems to be in order - but still somehow restless ... - You know, dear - all men fall into three categories: impotent women, women workers and homosexuals ... So you just decide who suits you best. ..
Mind man does not understand, Powerless logic-science. You give yourself to him - say "fuck", And do not give up - say "bitch."
I love, fucking, author's song, when you sit, fucking, by the fire. When, fuck, we fucking fuck together, sit fucking fuck till morning ...
During a plane crash over the tundra, Georgians fell in soft snow along with their tangerines. He skidded and he freezes. Goes past the Chukchi and sees - a new snowdrift! He gets a blue Georgian, puts him in a sled and takes him to his tent. There he pours a glass of vodka and says: - Are you Georgian? Then say a toast! A trembling Georgian with a glass in his hand: - If they say to me at home in hot weather - Givi, dear, let's drink some wine in a shade where it is cooler - I’ll chew his mom !!!
There is no equality of the sexes: the peeping of women's panties from the trousers is considered erotic, and the peeping of men's panties from the non-fastened fly pants is unsuitable.
The young man heard a frightened cry and saw that someone was floundering among the waves in the sea. He rushed to the rescue and, diving several times under the water, pulled out a young beautiful girl who could hardly breathe. On the shore, their mother was already waiting for them. Strictly looking at the savior, she asked: - Young man, immediately explain to me why you were under water with my daughter for so long!
- Grandfather, what is your last name? - Sidorov we. “So there are many of you here?” - No, I'm alone. This is my last name: Sidorovymi.
Switzerland. Alps. Expensive restaurant with a balcony over the precipice. A man in a suit with a box of expensive Swiss chronometers sits at a table and throws them down one by one, thoughtfully watching the flight ... Visitors ask the bartender with curiosity what is happening. - New Russian, gentlemen ... Melancholy! Looks like time flies ...
Give the medal to the mother-heroine. Flowers, correspondents ... - How many children do you have? - Eight. - And age? - 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. - So, 6 years ago you decided that this was enough? - Well no. Just bought a TV ...
After another report from the biathlon tracks, Dmitry Guberniev received a severe reprimand from the management of the Sport channel - he incorrectly indicated the terms of the menstrual cycles of our biathletes ...
“Why don't blacks eat chocolate bars?” - And they are afraid to bite off their fingers ...
- How did you celebrate Maslenitsa? - Wonderful! In the morning I burned a scarecrow of the mother-in-law - she understood the hint and left in the evening.
“Defendant, what did you do with the hundred dollars that were stolen?” “I spent it on Mary, the cabaret girl.” - Do not deceive the court. Mary never takes the five more!
From life. We sit, then, at a lecture on economics. The teacher - an important such Jew - has long been writing some formulas on the board. As a result, his result does not agree with what he needs, he begins to look for a mistake and he says: - Well, here, in the demand formula, I lied ... Suddenly, everyone in the audience calms down and hears a quick grumble from the back row: pussy ... Tymoshenko comes to Yushchenko telling him: - Hey, Vitya, Renat Akhmetov arrives there, carries money with him, asked you to meet him at the airport ... - Why are you, I’m president and some Donetsk I still have to meet the authority ... - Victor, you did not understand, he really carries a lot of money ... - Well, I'll sit in the car .. so be it ... - Oh asked you to meet him officially on the red carpet and flowers ... - Yes, he is human, finally ohrenel ??? - You do not understand, he carries a LOT of money, that will stop paying off all the foreign debt of Ukraine ... Airport. Aircraft. The Red carpet. Yushchenko with flowers. Renat comes down the ladder with a huge suitcase ... And then Yulia notices that Yushchenko’s leg got into a sock ... Tymoshenko, pushing Yushchenko to the side: - Vitya, pants, Vitya, pants ... Yushchenko taking off his pants and bending down: - BL ..... b, yes, how much does he carry money?
- I told you that you can drink no more than two glasses and return home no later than ten in the evening.
- Yes? So I confused everything.

On the waste ground foreman refers to the team of builders:
- My friends! Today we start! And remember: we build solidly, without stealing material, we build as best we can, as soon as we can, because we build for ourselves.
- And what will we build? - ask the workers.
- Detox!
My wife, returning from a trip, found in the kitchen a lot of empty bottles.
- Where did they come from? she asks.
- I am surprised myself! I have never bought empty bottles.

Stirlitz walked through the night Berlin. Suddenly he heard a crash.
He would have recognized this crackling from thousands of others - it was a Bormann moped.

Stirlitz walked in the dark. A shadow flashed on the right.
"This is Bormann," thought Stirlitz.
"Yes, it's me," thought Borman.

Stirlitz cautiously entered Bormann's office and, making sure that no one was there, went to the fireproof cabinet, where Bormann kept secret documents.
Stirlitz hit the cabinet to the left. He did not open. Then Stirlitz hit him on the right. The cabinet did not open. Stirlitz picked it up and threw it on the floor with a sweep. The cabinet did not open.
"It must be closed," thought Stirlitz and reached into his pocket for the key.

Once at the bus stop to a young pretty (D) Evushka comes up well, oh, very shy (M) A young man:
(M) (quietly and discreetly) - Girl ... Forget ... I ... I ... I want you ...
(D) (very embarrassed and quiet) - Sorry, but I'm too shy ...
(M) (bolder) - But I really want you ...
(D) (even more embarrassed and quieter) - But I am very shy ...
(M) (honestly) - But I WANT YOU, REALLY WANT!
(D) (krasseya) - But I am very embarrassed ...
(M) - Well, I went to @ # $ !!! (leaves)
(D) (after loudly) - So you, your mother, wanted to, as I was shy !!!

A guy comes to the restaurant, calls the waiter:
- A bottle of vodka, a portion of semolina!
The waiter shrugged and made an order. The second man ordered the same thing and the third too.
The waiter did not cherish:
- Would you take at least something to eat!
- Young man! My plans for today are getting drunk, but why should I vomit anyway?

The awkward waiter slandered a gf of water on the client’s marks. The owner ran indignantly at the cries of the victim:
“I can reassure you, Monsieur,” he noted at a glance, “that our water is clean and, I hope, your pens will not be spoiled.”
In addition, we have such a slow service that your cakes will be completely dry by the time they are served desserts.

Good day! We are reporting from our special Olympiad. At our competition there is no any doping control. Yes, yes, athletes are NOT tested for doping. Totally. So...

- Finnish athlete jumped to 27 meters. A very, very good result for a chess player.
- Thirteen dead and sixty wounded. This is the result of an unsuccessful curling roll.
-Just made a pole vault Sergey Bubka. Viewers are looking forward to when he finally lands.
- Spear throwers today are particularly pleased. The result - two downed Boeing ... and one Sergey Bubka.
-This is the third hour the Chinese gymnast is spinning on the crossbar ...
-Org. The committee decided not to release hammer throwers today, for safety reasons.
- A runner from Kenya traditionally wins the marathon. He is the only one who reached Kenya.
-Just it became known that the entire org.komitet was missing somewhere. And the hammer throwers come to the site.
-Canadian cyclist in a hurry forgets the bike ... but this does not prevent him from coming to the finish line first!
- Meanwhile, the Chinese gymnast continues to spin on the crossbar ...
-The hammer thrower makes a shot ... and the Chinese gymnast seems to have tightened up.
-And in conclusion our traditional forty-foot. Let's see the performance of the Russian athlete. Here he runs a thousand meters.
Jumping with a pole. Took the barbell. Ran a hundred meters. Put the barbell.
Washer, washer! Shah, mate! Goooool! Excellent result! And the athlete comes to the second round.

There are two friends.
- I was here in Paris!
“So what did you do there?”
- Yes, I'm here in the Seine bathed!
- Here is a fool - in *** ***, and she is bathing ...

A very confident girl is inviting a young man to dance. Determining by eye that the gentleman is somewhat younger than her, she states:
- I can't dance with the baby.
- Sorry, I did not know that you are pregnant.

- Let's kiss, honey!
- In no case! My mother is against kisses.
“But I'm not going to kiss your mother.”

- Madame, I found a malfunction in your car.
- Which one?
- Short circuit.
- So lengthen it!

“You know, you had to be careful,” said the woman who hit the pedestrian. - I am a very attentive driver. I drive a car for seven years.
- Then you can have no complaints to me: I have been going for forty-five years.


At the exam for the rights.
- Alas! - says the instructor. - You did not pass it.
- How could I pass it, if I did not even move?
- And how could you move if you climbed into the back seat?

The wife gave her husband two ties. He immediately tied one around his neck.
Wife offended:
- And the second you do not like?

The registrar asks the woman.
- Unmarried?
- Yes. Twice.

- Rabinovich, do you like the anthem of the Soviet Union?
- Good anthem, no words!

The repatriated Armenian fell into the sewer. He broke his leg and groans, scolds the worker.
- Bandit! Why did you not put a warning red flag?
- And when you sat in Naples on the Soviet ship, did not notice on it such a big red flag?

- What would happen to Leningrad if an earthquake occurred there, equal in power to the Tashkent?
- He would have left St. Petersburg.

The operating room. Survey says to a student student:
- I know, old man, that you have this first operation.
Of course, it is not very healthy, but when you open the patient, do not press too hard on the scalpel, you can damage the table.

The nurse advises the patient:
- If you want to thank the doctor, do it before the operation, otherwise it may be too late.

The doctor says to the practitioner:
- Ivanov, go give the patient an injection.
Together with Ivanov goes his fellow student Peter.
- And where are you going? - asks doctor.
- We have a narrow specialization: he knows how to make injections, and I know where to prick.

Little Johnny stops the car:
- Uncle, give a ride to school.
- I'm going the other way.
- All the better.

One rooster says to another:
- Let's go to the grocery store.
- What for?
- We'll see naked chickens ...

- Listen Abram, do you play the trombone? - Not.
- And your brother Moishe? - Yes.
- What "yes? - Also no.

How to get rid of bedbugs?
- We must buy lottery tickets and paste over the room with them.
If even one ticket wins, the bugs will die of laughter.

How to define the border, where is the State, and where is Armenia?
- It is necessary to put a naked woman on the edge: the grouzin will suit the front and the Armenian from the back.

What is the softest thing in the world?
- Fist. Even on a soft pillow it is placed under the head.

Morse "Garlic"
Compote of tendons
Champagne "AI-93"
Rice vodka (with sawdust porridge)
Beer "Armenian", three stars
Moonshine "Formula 1"
Cocktail "Bloody gelding"
Smoking pipe "Krupskaya"

Cornflower and Forget-me-not on the field
- Forget-me-not, do you want?
- Yes ...
- Where are these% damn bees?

The guy and the girl go and are silent. He is asking:
- What are you silent all the time?
- I want - and I am silent.
- Do you want - and you are silent? !!?!?!?

A hare is walking through the forest, he sees a bottle. "Oh! And here is the drink," thought the hare, drank a little and fell to sleep.
A fox is walking through the forest. He comes up to this place and says: "Oh!
Here's a drink and a snack! ". Drinks, falls.
There is a wolf. "Oh! Drink, snack and woman!: -O" Drinks, falls.
There is a bear. "Oh! A drink, a snack, a woman is someone to fill: -O"

Also in court. The son of a rosy-cheeked big guy killed his old mom and dad with particular cruelty, sadism and brutality. Judge: - What caused such a terrible crime?
Sonnyla: (He clings, picks up the floor, lowers his eyes down - shameful - says in a bass) - And what about-oh they-and-and ...

The family (father, mother and their son is a moron) goes on a train to rest to the sea.
Son asks:
-P-paaap, and what is moooe.
- Well, you understand, son, the sea is sand, pebbles, plenty of water, waves, understand?
-P-pooooyal.
Arrived in the resort town, get to the place of rest. A son:
-P-paaap, and what is moooe?
-The sea is water, sand, stones, got it?
-P-pooooyal.
Came to the beach, the father and son went to the waist in the water. A son:
-P-paaap, and what is moooe?
-SEA? This is SAND, WATER, grabs his son by the hair and moistens in the water - Yes, here it is the sea, here, understood the moron?
-P-poyal, and what is deeeebil?

A man came to Moscow in the evening. Cold, damp, went to some hotel rooms as always was not and settled it with a foreigner somehow. Vanya says: - John, let's drink to the friendship between nations ...
- ... For disarmament ...
- ... For world peace ... In the morning both woke up with a terrible hangover ... my head hurts and all that.
- John go to the store to buy beer .. That one on his fingers explained that in Russian he does not speak
- Well, okay, I'll write you on a piece of paper a saleswoman in a store, show her, she will understand.
John comes to the store, shows a note to the saleswoman ..
Saleswoman is reading ... And
Z B AND H AND T E B A S P I B O E S T L?
- There is no beer today. I FUCK THAT I K ...

An Englishman asks his wife:
“Tell me, dear Margaret, have you cheated on me during our marriage?”
- Dear John, last year, as you can see, I had a mink coat. As I recall, you did not buy it to me.
- Sorry, dear. The Frenchman addresses his wife:
- Tell me, Jeanne, have you cheated on me during our marriage?
- Dear Auguste, last summer I got a Citroen, for the purchase of which you did not give me any money.
- Sorry, dear. Russian asks his wife:
- Listen, Klava, tell me, how to be in spirit, have you cheated on me during our life together?
- You remember, Fedya, last summer we lost your kersey boots ...

There is a lecture on "sex and marriage," the lecturer addresses the audience with the question:
- Dear ladies and gentlemen, I would like to know what is the frequency of your sexual relationships? To answer, just raise your hand. First I ask those who make love every day. About 30 hands shot out. - Very good. Who makes love once or twice a week? Hands raised most of those present.
“Now, admit, are there any who make love once a year?” A man instantly jumps up and happily shouts:
- I! I!
- Hmm, this is very interesting, but why are you so happy?
- Understand, - the man chokes with delight, - it will happen today! ..

Wife tells husband:
- I run to my neighbor for a minute, and you stir porridge every half hour.

The recipe for making scrambled eggs:
- Cate - I want to eat, sho fucked up!

Competitions - who will drink more.
The commentator from the competition comments:
Now the Frenchman will be on the platform. He will drink brandy glasses.
First glass. Second Shot Glass. Third glass ..........
Has broken! Broke a Frenchman! Russian at this time warming up the little red ...
Now the American will be on the platform! He will drink whiskey cups.
The first glass. The second cup. The third glass ......
Has broken! Broke an American! Russian at this time warming up the little red ...
And finally Russian comes out. He will drink mash with flaps.
The first bucket. The second bucket. The third bucket.
Has broken! Has broken....
Kovshychek .... While they are replacing Kovshychek Russian at this time is warming up with reds.

Spring. The sun is shining. The leaves are dispersed. A small hillock appears on the ground, a little wisp protrudes from it, looks in circles, is happy. Nearby another hillock appears, a second hilt protrudes out of it, looking in a circle, sipping, rejoicing. He sees the first worm, reaching for him: - I love you!
The first little worm: - Get out, fool, I am your ass.

They sit in the chamber syphilitic and drug addict.
Syphilitic touches his nose - he falls off, syphilitic throws it through the window grille. Then he touches his ear - it falls off, and the sy- philic throws it out too. The addict laughs, shakes his head and says: "I stick out, how do you shed some parts from here ..."

Two Jews are sitting in the toilet:
- Do you think this is mental work or physical?
- If it was a physical job, then I would hire a person ...

An old Jew dies at work. Another old Jew is sent to prepare his wife. He comes to the address, calls to the apartment:
- Excuse me, does the widow Rabinovich live here?
- Sorry, I'm not a widow.
- Let's argue?

There is a folder "My Documents". This is a very important folder. She has an accountant and personnel manager. Recently I looked into a similar folder on my colleague's computer. She called the patient from home and gave instructions on how to obtain the document.
- So, the folder "My Documents"
- yeah.
- there you go to the folder “X @ ynya”
- EEE there are 2 folders: “every x @ yny” and “x @ yny, worse than any x @ yny”. What do I need?
- the second.
- There is.
- So, there you go to the folder “by @ bistica”.
-Has come.
- Well. There in the folder “@ buchy Rostov” - the document “Extras. agreement. Ivanov. " So you need it.
- Thank you, Olenka

Once they decided to go out for lunch together with the pop, the mullah and the rabbi.
They drank, talked. Pop says that a parishioner comes to him once and asks that when he dies, let him put $ 1000 in his coffin (useful in the next world). But the church needs to somehow live, so he took the pop $ 100, and put $ 900 in a coffin. The same case happened with the mullah, but there the mullah took $ 200 and put $ 800 in a coffin. And the rabbi says, here you are some kind of frivolous people, you don’t feel sorry for a person, so I’m honest, I took and put a check in the coffin for the entire amount of $ 1000.
- Let's drink for the sweetest, most beautiful, kindest, most affectionate, the most. In general, for us, men!

In the morning, the wife sends her husband for milk. The husband takes a can and with the words "Is it a man's business to go for milk?" throws the can into the corner.
Seeing such a thing, the wife undresses, goes to bed and, taking an appropriate posture, gently says:
- Well, go get involved in a man's business.
“And where is the cap there?”

“Are you free tonight?” - one of clients of a hairdressing salon addresses to manicurist.
“By golly, I don’t know,” she replies, “ask my husband about it, now he is shaving you

Wife tells husband:
- Dinner will be ready soon. Then I buy the children, put them to bed, sew buttons on your shirt, and you can go to the movies!
“Very good,” says her husband. - And when do you run off for tickets?

The ensign was ordered to explain to the soldiers the consequences of the explosion of a neutron bomb.
I stood in front of the line and shouted:
- Soldiers! Imagine twenty, no - forty, so what's there - a hundred barrels of vodka that no one has to drink!

Odessa meets a friend holding on to a swollen cheek.
- What's wrong with you, Misha?
- I just had two teeth removed.
“But you told me this morning that one tooth ached ?!”
- The dental did not have a surrender ...

- When the truth is born in a dispute?
- When the chief enters the dispute.

- What is an exchange of opinions?
- When you go into the office of the chief with his, and go out - with him.

“I used to meet Mr. Smith, who served in your bank, quite often.” I understand that he was a diligent and trusting attendant?
- He was gullible, yes. And I would be diligent if I managed to catch his hand.

The girl received a letter from her boyfriend who served near the Falkland Islands. In the envelope instead of the letter, she found a short note: "Your friend still loves you, but he talks too much. Censor."
In one of the suburban hotels of Plymouth, the guests were raised at night from their beds with a heart-rending cry from the corridor. Opening the door, they saw a funny picture: behind a pretty girl in a negligee he was chasing like a madman, a completely naked gentleman. The next day, it turned out that this Romeo was none other than a major in the British army. The major was put on trial, but the defender won the trial, referring to the paragraph of the army statute, which reads:
"It is not necessary for an officer to wear a uniform when he is engaged in a sport for which appropriate clothing is required."
“Private, name your favorite book,” the chaplain asked.
- Book of the sick, holy father.

- Waiter, one steak.
- Which garnish?
- Just your regular steak. I want to put it under the leg of the table so that it does not swing.

One gentleman asked another in the street:
- Where did you get the sausage?
- Yes, that's in that store.
- A lot of people?
- Yes, no one. Even - the seller.

- Dear, how small the world! Yesterday I found out that your third wife and my second husband are spending their honeymoon in the villa of your first wife's first husband!

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich are running to the attack. Petka cry:
- Vasily Ivanovich! You hit a bullet pants!
- Hep with them Petka!
- So and I about the same.

- Vasily Ivanovich, our boys have caught an enemy scout.
Let's hang it!
- No way! From the gallows he can see the location of our division!
- Petka, where is Anka?
- With appendicitis lies.
- Appendicitis to the wall, Anka to me.

- Why is Mary not getting married?
- She is waiting for her ideal man.
- And what is this ideal?
- This is a man who wants to marry her.

“If I jump into the water, will you save me, dear?”
“And if I say yes, will you jump, dear?”

She and he live in complete harmony: the same tastes, the same ideas, the same desires. It only took him five years to adapt to this.
By crossing a domestic ornamental breed of desmans - trakuholi - and fat and meat breeds - tumors - Georgian scientists have developed a new home-decorative breed of muskrats of blue coloration - vopuhol.
- Something you, an infection, have not been seen for a long time? - says the doctor, looking through a microscope at the bacillus.
During the Cold War and the arms race, Ronald Reagan was once invited by Mikhail Gorbachev to the United States. After the usual ceremonies, Reagan led Gorbachev into an underground secret bunker. - What is it? - asks Gorbachev.
“This is the control panel for all US nuclear forces,” Reagan responds. “The US president will be here during a nuclear war.”
Gorbachev notices a synthesizer, comes up, presses a key. Reagan screams in horror:
- What have you done?
Runs out, returns and says:
- You can erase your city Magadan from the map.
Gorbachev frowned, upset and left. In a month he sends an invitation to Reagan. He comes. Gorbachev immediately drags him into the bunker. Says: - And here will be the Politburo of the Central Committee of the CPSU during a nuclear war.
Reagan sees in the corner a huge keyboard organ. Thinking, presses a key. Gorbachev looked at it, then came up and said:
- Why is it trivial?
Sits at the organ and starts playing:
- "Indestructible Union ..."

The recruiting head refers to subordinates:
- Why did you take on the service of this type? In my opinion, he is absolutely not suitable: he has a limp, squint, and in addition to everything else, and a hump!
- But when he deserts, it will be quite easy to find him.

A specialist in the scientific organization of labor introduced the chief of staff with a personal computer:
“This device, sir, will halve the amount of work you do.”
- well! Install two such computers in my office.

At the military parade passes infantry, tanks, guns. After the parade, the father asks his little son:
- Well, what do you think was best?
- Ice cream, dad.