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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories



The oligarch needed to buy not an English club, but an Italian club!
After all, how beautiful it sounds:
"In red T-shirts players Roma!".


"Darling, what's so tight?"
"And I doubled it up!"


"Why are your fingers so long?" You, probably, play the piano?
- No, I massaged the prostate.


Courtroom.
Judge:
- Well, the defendant - as they say, you are a plaintiff ...


- Can Klava be allowed?
"She's moved!"
"Whom ?!"


"Even if you are a little over thirty, there is a hope to go out for a prince ..." - sang Camille Parker Bowles, trying on a wedding dress ...


Hooray! I was finally awarded the Order!
Perhaps I did not deserve this award, but I also did not deserve radiculitis and osteochondrosis, but I have them ...


Feast. Noisy, fun.
Suddenly something falls.
- The dish fell.
- So, someone else will come to us.
- It's strange: whether a woman, or a man ...
"Uncle Arkady will come," Vovochka says. "He's a fagot!"


From life.
The company wants to register an email address with all the bells and whistles.
Call the appropriate office:
- We want to take a name, write down: Latin - Es, E, Al, A, Es, point, ru.
They look at the record on paper and understand that something is wrong.
- Once again: selas dot ru? So?
Clients:
- Yes Yes.
- It turns out - "Celas.Ru". You see, this is not a very good name, if you pronounce it quickly without a dot, then it sounds bad, it would be better to come up with a different name, or if it is not possible, then in another zone you will register.
Clients:
- Okay, let's get in the SU zone.


He drives a taxi. In the back seat, a woman makes a man blowjob. The taxi driver looks in the rear-view mirror and says:
"Immediately, stop this disgrace!"
The man is blissful:
- Go, go - I'll pay you ...
Taxi driver:
"I do not need your money." Stop this disgrace!
Man:
- Once, you do not need money, you will be next.
Taxi driver:
- What? So that I would take it in my own car? !!


A friendly joke can be considered unsuccessful if it has outgrown the nasty one.
Why Orthodox and Catholics are baptized in different ways?
As usual, the encoding does not match.
We earn our labor. We only buy draft beer, we do not overpay for packaging!
Death is a condition in which some patients fall in order to humiliate their attending physician.
Traffic policeman on the road is like a bow on a member - it looks good, but why such a luxury?
What is bad in Russia is fools and roads ...
But what is good - so it's fools and tracks!
If a traffic light was invented by a woman, then the colors would be the following:
red into small white peas, yellow in a slanting black strip and green with golden sequins.
Someday Russia will win all its troubles, and then there will be no fools or roads left in it.
We have the same rights! Supports are different ...
If it's good to hit your brain, you can lose it.
Features of Fashion-2006: Going out, the girl puts on earrings under the color of panties.
The corporate spirit is the youngest of employees who wears socks to the heads of departments, and the directors count the days to retirement.


"Lesha, they just called me a freak!"
"Damn, I'm late!"


"Why trample on my love?"
- And do not throw it! How many times did he say: blew, turned, put in the closet!


- After what movie do you want to put your hands on yourself?
- Yes after any porn!


From life.
We go yesterday on a business trip: I and my driver.
We approach the railway crossing.
The barrier slowly sinks ... and closes right in front of our nose.
We are standing. It's ten minutes ... there's no train.
Suddenly the gate is turned up and opens. We exchange glances.
"Stealth," says the driver.


At the Estonian customs house. Customs officer:
- Chaaai? No. Cooffe? No. Kakawa? Oh, yes, like a croak! How is the goal of your visit?


Spring call.
The best spring appeal is the woman's stretched legs.


The daughter comes home late at night and says to her mother:
- Today, I and my boyfriend had sex for the first time in my life!
"Well, the first time," says my mother, "it's clear ... But how do you know that your boyfriend did this for the first time? !!
- Because he had it in cellophane!


- Julia Vladmirirovna, why did you refuse to travel to Moscow?
- I decided to do sowing. And then in Moscow you can stay until harvest ... As Khodorkovsky!


The creators of the "Night Watch"! Yes, you are the first. Yes, you are cool - but you looked not 3, but 8.5 million people.
Chairman of the League of Video Pirates of Russia.


In the office to the gynecologist the girl comes.
The doctor is in a good mood:
- Girl! How pretty you are - all so white, your blouse is white, your trousers are white, your handbag and shoes are white!
Girl (happily):
- Yes, doctor - I also have thrush!


"Well, all right, all right ... I'm taking my words back ... Unfusk wo!"


- Few people know that after the flight of Squirrel and Arrow to space Gagarin went for long Korolev and said: "Commander, but I'm better than a dog."


- Oh, doctor, you have such an easy hand!
"It's not a hand," the doctor said, a little embarrassed.


Vasya comes home at four o'clock in the morning, drunk with his friend Vanya.
Vasya's wife opens the door and says:
"Vasya, how much time do you come home, and in such a state?" Everything, you
punished: a month without sex ... And you, Vanya, too ...


- Girl! And can I meet you?
- Just let's get quick! I have a new challenge in 20 minutes!


The bride and groom arrive in the registry office, late for half an hour. Both smiles to the ears.
Witness, in the ear of the groom:
- The old man, well, where do you go? Still waiting for you. And why are you so radiant?
"Listen, she's done this to me now!" The best blowjob in my life!
At the same time, the witness asks the bride:
"Where did you disappear?" And then, I understand that you are happy to get married - but to shine so ...
- Oh, yes, you understand - I was the last blowjob in my life!


"Dear comrades! You listen to the program "For those who would like to know, but hesitate to ask." And now, on the phone 333-33-33, ask your idiotic questions!


- You have not sent five wraps from the cubes of "Maggi" ?! So send it faster, otherwise we do not have anything to wrap up ...


On the path leading to the motorway, there is a girl with a poster in her hands:
"THE LAST CHANCE BEFORE THE AUTOMAGRAPHY!".


- In my opinion, I began to walk in a dream ...
- Why do you think so?
"I woke up today in my bed!"


In connection with the fact that the winner of Eurovision-2004, Ukrainian singer Ruslana Lyzhichko in some songs performs the words "GAY DANA, DANA GAY", the Ministry of Culture of Israel explains that Dana is not gay, Dana is transgender.


- Do you have an ideal woman?
- Was ...
- Why was it? Is he dead?
- Worse - I married him ...


A man asks a friend:
- Why are you so sad?
- Yes, I had a great mistress before, I liked to drink, I used to get drunk, that's what a blowjob did to me, just laying down ... But then I decided to stop drinking ...
- So what?!
- Since then, he does not drink and does not take in his mouth ...


"When did you get married?"
- In April.
- And when was the child born?
- In July.
- So, so, it's interesting!
"Doctor, are you a doctor or a mathematician?"


Women are very funny!
Some of them spend their entire lives on 15-centimeter stilettos, and in the ass is not fucking, because it hurts ...


From life.
Maritime customs. Situation: early morning, the port sleeps, dispatchers sleep, the ships sleep on the roadstead, the custom house sleeps. And all of a sudden the idyll is disturbed by the voice on the radio (one radio set for all services is set to the same wave): "Radio 8 (dispatcher), radio 8, answer" Goose-crystal "(vessel name). repeatedly.
And then an unidentified sleepy voice on the same channel:
- You're not the Goose Crystal, you're fucking crooked.
A minute of silence, then a question:
"Who's talking ?!"
On the radio, another sleepy voice:
- Yes, everyone says ...


Absolutely bald guy comes to the doctor:
"Doctor, I can not do this anymore." Do something with my bald head!
"So, here's the pill for you - drink it every day." There will be questions - come.
A week later comes:
"Doctor, I have been drinking for a week, but there is no result."
- Well, you drink, drink ...
Comes in a month:
"Doctor, there's no result anyway." Only on the ass hair began to grow!
- You drink further ...
Comes again in a month:
- Doctor, they do not help - only on the ass grow and everything ...
"Keep drinking and come back later."
Six months later comes:
"Doctor, I can not do this anymore." On the head, no hair has grown - and behind so that it is impossible to walk.
- So, now start to scratch the head ...


If the girl with honor left the situation - then the situation was wrong.
A man is looking for a woman who looks like a mother; but finds his mother in law resembling a father.
Tell me what you're thinking about, and I'll tell you what.
I do not like Jewish holidays - they always have an end to some sort of cutback ...
On what to me conscience - at me a family.
After the wedding night, the most unloved proverb in men - not you first, not you last.
In fact, acupuncture is an ancient Chinese torture with a minor side effect.
In jumping, the winner is the one who jumps all, and in the shooting - who will shoot all.
I would have known a ransom - I would have given it to a turnip!
A woman for happiness needs a little - at least inches 15.
Your joy from the onset of a clear sunny morning will be incomplete if you suddenly become clear that it was Monday.


"What are you so preoccupied with?"
- Yes, I think how in a one-room apartment can accommodate seventy-five people invited by his wife on the anniversary of our wedding!
- So you have a round date?
"No, my wife is a fool!"


- Grandma! How much is the burden?
- The eighth month!


Three-time Georgian champion in swimming for long distances Zaza Babivadze was disqualified at the World Championships!
He could not prove to the judges that he undressed and went to the start only in swimming trunks ...


- Guys, today I pour more, and myself less.
- Why ?!
"And today it's your turn to take me home."


Yesterday, an unprecedented hurricane hit the state of Colorado. The houses are destroyed, the crops are destroyed. According to local ecologists, not one beetle was injured.


Men go out to work, including to bring home money. But, mainly, they go to work in order to rest from the house.


- What a strong moonshine you have! What do you add to it?
- Cement.


- Ivan Semenovich obviously has high blood pressure!
"Why did you decide that, you're not a doctor?"
- And on it mosquitoes are exploding!


300 years to Peter. Putin comes to the exhibition of children's drawings. The little boy is giving him a present. Putin:
- Thank you. Boy, why do your hands shake?
Boy:
"And that's because, Uncle President, that I've just had three red dots on my chest ..."


A group of Estonian companies entered the communications market with a new service - "Internet
- by mail! ".


My wife comes home at night. He rings the door. The husband opens with a rolling pin.
She says to her:
- Come on, breathe!
- Uhhh! (breathes on him)
He sniffed and slapped him in the face:
- Again sucked!


Barrymore sits at home in the kitchen eating oatmeal. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Barrymore walks into the hallway, opens the door.
Behind the door stands another Barrymore and asks:
"Tell me, please. Are the Barrymors living here?"
- Yes, you lost!


Doctors repeated with frustration:
- We lose it, ah - we lose it!
And watched as every day the amount of alcohol in a large thick-walled bottle decreases.


The addict comes into McDonald's and asks:
- Uh-uh! And is there a lot of poppy in the Big Mac?


- Hello, we have a share! Do you smoke?
- No.
- And what kind of cigarettes do you smoke?


Mom and her son came to the cemetery.
"Here, son, your grandfather is lying." He died a long time and does not know that you were born.
The boy thought and asked:
- Mom, and next to an empty place for my grandmother?
- Yes, son.
- So do not worry, we will bury my grandmother - my grandfather will see me.


- And let's give Putin a lighter!
- He does not smoke!
- And let's give him a jacket in pineapples, pants so green and ...
"And you do not smoke!"


Saturday. Bathhouse. Two voices in the fog.
-... You can and without offshore! Do you know Bear Belsky?
- No, just heard ...
- Well, so he once through the customs five lemons of green finished in cash!
- How?!
"Simple! ... I've driven six!"


Message on ICQ:
- Hi Vovan, it's you?
- Are you crazy? I do not have INTERNET !!!


There are two friends:
- Why are you so happy?
- Vaska escaped from the army!
- Did it slip or pay?
- I went to prison !!!


The sensor registering satisfaction was put on sale.
The difference between the male and female options in the calibration of the scale.
In men from -1 to +10.
In women from -10 to more than 0.


- And I know how the "Peace dish" will be in English.
- Rease the dish?
- Yes, I do not piss, I honestly know!


In childhood, the girl Katya was very much teased.
Because of the beard!


Announcement: TV requires a terrible narrator with a vile voice for telling nasty things.


- I vodka - with me at the feast clearly.
- I'm a salad - I like every face.
"I'm a hashish ... I forgot my words."


Lived: the word "VIP" is used in Russia more often than the word "dick"!


Observation from life:
When a long time you can not have sex, then notice that you are constantly surrounded by naked women!
Only they are dressed ...


Valeria Novodvorskaya starred in Playboy. The journal is closed.


- Three maidens by the window...
- They could not stand the balcony.


Goes a steep jeep, all dirty and behind it: "Vitya, Urgently call!".
A little lower: "Fuck you!".


Rehearsal of a commercial of juice.
Children:
- And I'm a cherry ..
- And I'm an apple ...
- And I'm a tomato ...
- And I'm a dolbo ....
- The boy !!!!! You are a lumberer !!!! Again...
- And I'm a cherry ..
- And I'm an apple ...
- And I'm a tomato ...
- And I'm a dolbo ....
- The boy !!!!! Repeat - You - GOLDEN !!!! Again!!!
- And I'm a cherry ..
- And I'm an apple ...
- And I'm an eggplant !!!
- The boy !!!!! You fucking !! First goes - TOMATO !!!!


According to the old good tradition, women are first courted and then married.
And for the bad - just fuck.
Wipe your hands on your pants uncultured! This will be explained to you by anyone whose pants you chose.
I have so much hair on my head that every haircut for me can be the last.
Shahid gather - just gird up ...
Every woman has a secret. Vaginal.
You can not judge a girl only by her appearance ... Jack the Ripper understood this, and so he was also interested in the insides ...
Today, in the morning on the mirror, such a terrible movie showed ....
If everyone keeps up, then it's easier for the convoy to work.
If decent prisons are created in prisons, decent people will be attracted to them.
Do not worry about many things, and you will outlive many.
If a woman tries to keep her virginity before the wedding - then she has many chances to keep her until retirement.


Moscow airport purchased a biosystem for scaring off birds worth $ 30 million. The system is serviced by one operator.
The system is able to automatically convert abusive expressions of the operator into the alarming cries of various kinds of birds ...


- Associate Professor Sidorov - again your telescope is aimed at a female hostel ...
Are not you interested in seeing the birth of a new galaxy? !!


Kamchatka volcanologists lost a leaf with research for the last 130 years!


Yesterday I sold my homeland ...
Today returned - said defective.


- Why is it possible to cook a shish kebab from a Russian ram, but not from an American?
- We are not cannibals ...


New SMS-game!
Send to number 777 any three-digit number and find it in your account!


- Sister - please invite the next patient ...
"But, doctor, I have not finished dancing yet!"


"Darling, I'm so tired, we've been going for two hours!"
"Bear with me, my dear, it's soon a halt."
- I can not! I have a backpack on my shoulders, sneakers, the sun is baking!
"Well, what can I do, love?"
- Maybe you get out of the backpack?


In 1776, the most free country in the world was created - the United States of North America.
And in 90 years it even abolished slavery ...


- What kind of girl can a man call a princess?
"The one who let him into her palace ..."


Exam. There comes a sort of cute student girl. On the threshold he asks:
"Give me five!"
Teacher (dumbfounded):
- Yes people here for the top five bones lie down !!!
Student (looking around):
- Where?


The store, near the counter are the father and son. A son:
- Pa-a-up! And how much juice should I take?
Dad:
"How do I know?" You're drinking it! I'm not asking you, how much should I take vodka?


London. Our days.
A simple English janitor scans the pavement. Ostap Bender approaches him:
- And what, father, there are brides in your city?
- Who and Camilla Bride ...


In my opinion, this is the height of cynicism: to put me in the next room, and in the morning to ask why I am so sad? ..


Recently I bought a home theater.
On the first row of chairs are now boys and cracking candy, on the second - a wife with a grinding clatter of sunflower seeds, on the third - we drink beer with friends, a daughter with a friend kisses on the sofa on the sofa, and cats crouch behind the sofa ...


- What will be the mobile phone of the future?
- It will consist of two bugs: one inserted into the ear, the other into the tooth.
And if you did not fill up the account on time, then you will have to pay for the services of a lor and dentist!


- Hello. You who?
- Yes, I decided to make a mistake.


- What are you talking about yesterday on the phone for a whole hour? Swore with someone?
- No, my friend congratulated me on my birthday.


From the dialogue on the street:
- Yesterday celebrated the 18th birthday of his brother. What did his relatives give him? The car.
"Mercedes", of course, the latest model. Such a beauty, shiny, leather seats! Miracle car! - then follows a heavy sigh, mkhatovskaya pause, and the sequel: - The only drawback with her is the size of one to forty!


In an apartment to a figurine lady falls police attire.
- You now called us and urgently asked to come to you, because your husband suddenly went on a business trip?
- No no. Sorry, I probably did not dial that number!


Telephone call:
- Hello, I'm on the ad!
"Hello, speak louder!"
- I'm on the ad !!!
- Repeat, who is this ?!
- I'm calling by ANNOUNCEMENT !!!
- Under the announcement ?!
- YES!!!
- On what?
- About the hearing aid !!!
- What device?
- HEARING !!!
- Ah, the auditory! Already sold!


- Children, what is your favorite toothpaste?
"Colgate!"
- And how many will be twice two?
"Colgate!"
"Good-bye, children!"
"Colgate!"


- Why do your elephants have fun by throwing some dirty marsh boots out of the enclosure directly to the public? I will complain!
- Calm down, it's just for you wading boots. And for them - it's just used condoms.


In the pharmacy:
"Something for me to do with the girls."
- Viagra?
"No, is there chloroform?"


On the highway there is a convoy of cars, they go far and stop periodically to refuel. Only one rusty "penny" does not refuel ...
And then one of the drivers, unable to stand, approaches her and asks:
- Guys, we have already traveled 5000 kilometers - and you have never refueled, I thought maybe you have a big tank or the car eats a little - but for this distance no tank is enough!
From the "penny" two astonished students:
- And we have no money ...


Military aircraft IL-14. Far flight to the east. The third hour of flight, early morning, the sun rises: the whole crew in a half-light. A flight along the border with China. Suddenly, on the STC (airplane intercom):
- Commander, 5 degrees to the right.
He pushes it.
And here again:
- 5 more to the right.
Commander, finally cheered up and remembering that the border is near:
- Navigator, what course?
In the headphones:
- Somehow, the former!
- And what was tucked?
"I did not tell you to turn."
- Well, then - 5, then 5 more!
"I did not say it!"
- And who said ?!
- I.
- Who am I?!
- The radio operator.
The commander turns around and looks at the radio operator, who, in a full relaxed voice, spread out across the chair.
- Well, why?
- Yes, the sun was directly in the eye ... And now it's normal!


When not paid a salary - there are only two ways to save yourself and your
nerves: either do not go to work, or do not go home!
Of the two evils, the most vicious wins. So good appears.
Useful advice for truck farmers. If you yourself will be in the garden all day long - you will not need a scarecrow.
Deficiency forms greed. Excess - a hangover.
Cannibals are not those that people eat, but those that horses have!
Each pioneer must surrender to the state 15 kg of waste paper and two who have not passed.
To permanently discourage her husband from going for a walk to the left - it is only necessary to give him one good time, and it is for the left egg!
The ability to quickly find a common language is very dependent on the technique of kissing.
If the baton is used inappropriately - it can turn into intestinal ...
The medical examination in the military enlistment office is a legal way to show the draft commission a dick.


- Girl! You're a girl?
- Nahal!
- They did not guess !! I'm Sidorov !!!


- Moses went out and said: see these rivers, these mountains, these seas?
- Yes.
"Good, next."


From life.
Pedagogical Institute, 5th couple. All students are tired. And they ask the teacher:
- Oleg Nikolayevich - well, let go, we are very tired ...
- Well, when this piece of chalk is over, then we'll go home ...
A quiet voice from the back of the desk:
"Let me eat it!"


- Gyulchatai, open the beer!
- And maybe still a little face?
- Yes you that, Gyulchataj ?! Yes, it's perfectly clear that you can only open your beer with your face!


Very solid office. In the chair sits an equally respectable businessman.
The secretary enters.
- Ivan Ivanovich, I apologize, you have not forgotten that under our patronage is the Medical University?
"No, I have not forgotten, but Cho?"
- Today they called from the anatomical theater. They asked for help.
- Yes, you can skoka, eh?
- Yes they ask for tools and equipment. Corpses are already enough for them.


- My birthday falls on November 28.
- Forgive me, what year?
"Everyone, young man!"


Shop of women's underwear - "Bustier" ...
And if the male?
"Hylo"?


Married to a foreigner!
Brunette, height 175, weight 70. Hard-working, loves animals. In Russian, it's almost the same as in Tajik ...


We wanted to name some area in Warsaw named after Karol Wojtyla ...
But he did too little against Russia.


As a child, Boris Moiseyev literally begged his parents to kick his ass ...


- Moldovan scientists invented the world's first environmentally friendly engine, powered by hamster energy. It burns 12 hamsters per 100 kilometers.


Criminal news: yesterday Ivanov and Petrov were seen in the game of active-passive chess.
In the interest of the investigation, the names and the name of the game are changed.


- The barman! 20 drops of valorodin to me and my old women!


- I love to work with my girlfriend in the car!
"What's your car?"
- Washing!


- And I was in Italy resting!
"What Italy?" At you the daddy - the engineer, and mum - the teacher.
"And my uncle is a thief!"


"I'm looking at you, Katya Lel!" Not two troubles in Russia!


- Do you want a melody for your bell?


"Does the mail sweat under your arms?" Burdock for every day!


- Vasilissa sleeps on the stove, and Ivan sleeps nearby ...
"You fool!"


- The fairy tale. The old man had three sons. The clever elder was a child, the middle one was so and so, the younger one was a fool at all!
- The old man was sick, and every time it turned out worse and worse ...


- Guys, where is the district $ 100?
- Yes there is no such district ... And to you it, actually, what for ?!
- Yes, they told me - the girls here are good somewhere around $ 100.


Announcement: The dog, the breed of a diver, was lost. Signs - black, large, with a white spot on his chest, orange scuba ...


- Recently, a competition of children's drawings on asphalt on the route Kiev-Odessa was held. The competition was called "Road markings through the eyes of children."


News feed.
The United States conducted an operation in support of hungry children in Africa.
During the operation, the ...


New!
Even hopeless morons and "vegetables" stop writing in their pants just the same day !!
Ask in the shops of the city a new Pumpers with a battery !!!


The girl calls to La Strada:
- Excuse me, but photoepilation is like?
- In Photoshop ...


"Listen, cabman, give me a smoke."
"I will not, a drop of nicotine kills a horse."
- Yes, you wake up, cabman, eyes, then rub it. I have a horse!


In the Irkutsk region there was a bear-rod. It turned out that the snore-bear does not give her sleep.


Wife pronounces her husband:
- Here I look, Vasya, at you and I think - you have not met me fifteen years ago, and now, no matter what for you such a marriage did not come out ...
- Yes, why would you want me with three children?


- Dear, our housekeeper says that she is pregnant!
- Probably lies! There is no such doctor who would determine this on the third day!


A rest in the south hardly wakes up after a wild five-day booze, stupidly looks at himself in the mirror - blue, swollen and thoughtfully says:
- Oh, how I sunburned ... Yes, and recovered, too ...


- Mom mom! Vovka spattered me all over!
- And you, too, spray it.
- But, Mom, how? I'm a girl!


The old man lived with his old woman at the very blue sea. The old man threw the seine in the sea, came the seine, and there - the pike.
- What the heck? - the old man was surprised. - Like a goldfish should be. I'm not Emelya, after all.
"It's all right," said the pike. - We with gold fish worked for a long time on one sector of the market. And recently, an agreement was reached on the board of directors on the acquisition of one enterprise by another ...
And the pike sniffed.


Two prostitutes are talking:
- How do you live?
- Bad. I stagger at the Metropole: who will give a couple of dollars, who in the face - and fuck all ...
- And I live perfectly! I go constantly to the House of the actor, to the writer's house, to the journalist's house. The audience is intelligent. They invite me to my house - there is cognac, champagne ... Then I go to bed with him, he pops into the hands of the penis - and he falls asleep and sleeps all night ...
- Yes, you settled well ... Who helped?
- Yes, ancestors ...
- Ancestors ?! Than?
- Surname sound was given - Sobchak!


And what is interesting, the criminal article "For the attempt of a coup d'état"
There is, but for the coup d'etat itself, there is no article ...
So what if we do not have a king in our heads - but we have democracy in the ass!
An uninvited assistant is the best pest.
The moon was invented by the Jews, so as not to pay for electricity ...
It's good to be senile - every day you'll read new jokes on the tape!
She gave birth to a queen in the night of a net son, a gross daughter.
This is how you need to hate people to become a dentist ...
Nothing is so expensive as the desire to get rid of cheap ...
Never drink on an empty wallet!
Why do people not fly like birds? And they thump like pigs!
Now the expression: "It's gone like children to school" has got a slightly different meaning ...
The cheapest and most reliable way to clear a minefield is to sow his hemp.
Lovely bruises - pussies itch.


- Why is the weight of the dish written in the menu 050, not just 50 grams?
- So this is an octal number.


Mosvodkanal threatened to sue the group. Sidorov, who, through criminal imprudence, poured a whole bottle of Domestos into the toilet, than he destroyed the most valuable species of rare bacteria that Mosvodkanal grew 70 years ago ...


"Why does he want to smoke in the toilet?"
"Thrust is better!"


- And we have already met!
- That's what I'm looking at - a familiar body ...


The Ukrainian comes to the Belarusians:
- Here we have everything in Ukraine. And bread, coal, and ore, and even oil in the Carpathians found. And you? Only one potato is ...
- Yes, - the Belarusian responds. - You're right. During the war, even the Polizei had to import from the Germans from the Ukraine.


- Guys, they take me into the army ...
- How come, you have the same enuresis and flat feet?
- They said to me: "You will be for the Germans!"


A man is sitting in the closet of the Bolshoi Theater. Suddenly someone broke into the door.
The muzhik, it is dissatisfied:
- Well, who else is there ?!
"It's us, the dancers from the ballet group!"
Man:
- Well, dance while at the door ... Practice!


A pretty woman approaches a young man on the street:
"I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you are the father of one of my children ..."
The man in horror:
- I?!!
- Calm down, I'm a teacher ...


Judge:
"And what are your complaints about this man?"
- He said that I have a zest ...
- So what? It's a compliment!
- Yes, but he tried to pick it up !!!


One guy says to another:
- I went here to my doctor ... He was strange, not as usual.
- And where did you decide ?!
- Yes, while I told him about my problems, he never even smiled ...


- Masha Rasputina has performed a plastic surgery.
- Yeah - and, judging by appearance, itself!


The secretary enters the office to the head and says:
- From now on, I will have a salary of one thousand dollars and 4 days off per week!
Head, with sarcasm:
"Who told you that, dear?"
- Gynecologist and lawyer!


"Hello, Doctor?" Help me, I have the strongest diarrhea. I can not even stand up from the toilet.
- My dear - you do not need to contact me, but to consult a psychiatrist - who during diarrhea rises from the toilet ?!


"Darling, I have a surprise for you!"
- Can not be! Really sober in the morning ?!


"Boy, why do you only cover American tanks with sand, but do not touch English?"
- And the English themselves will drown in the sand ...


Spider - an ant (extremely irritated):
"And the dick knows you there, as you distinguish each other in person ..."