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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The oligarch needed to buy not an English, but an Italian club!
After all, how beautiful it sounds:
"Roma players in red t-shirts!"

- Honey, what is so tight?
- And I folded it twice!

“Why are your fingers so long?” You probably play the piano?
- No, I'm massaging the prostate.

- Well, the defendant - as they say, you are the plaintiff ...

- Can Klava be?
- She moved!
- Whom ?!

"Even if you are a little over thirty, there is hope to marry a prince ..." - Camilla Parker Bowles sang, trying on a wedding dress ...

Hooray! I was finally awarded the order!
Perhaps I did not deserve this award, but I didn’t deserve either radiculitis or osteochondrosis, but I have them ...

Feast. Noisy, fun.
Suddenly something falls.
- The saucer fell.
- So, someone else will come to us.
- Strange: whether a woman, or a man ...
“Uncle Arkady will come,” says Little Johnny. - He's a fagot!

From life.
The company wants to register an email address with all the bells and whistles.
Call the appropriate office:
- We want to take the name, write down: Latin - Es, E, Al, A, Es, full stop.
They look at the record on a piece of paper and understand that something is wrong.
- Once again: Selas dot ru? So?
- Yes Yes.
- It turns out - "Selas.Ru". You see, this is not a very good name, if you say it quickly without a dot, then it sounds bad, it would be better to come up with another name, or if it is not possible, register it in another zone.
- Well, let's in the SU zone.

Rides a taxi. In the back seat a woman gives a man a blowjob. The taxi driver looks in the rearview mirror and says:
- Immediately, stop this disgrace!
The man is blissful:
- Go, go - I'll pay you ...
Taxi driver:
- I do not need your money. Stop this disgrace!
- Once, you do not need money, you will be next.
Taxi driver:
- What? So that I take it in my own car? !!

A friendly joke can be considered a failure if it turned into a scuffle.
Why are Orthodox and Catholics baptized differently?
As usual - the encoding does not match.
We earn our labor. We only buy draft beer, we do not overpay for packaging!
Death is a condition that some patients fall into in order to humiliate their physician.
A traffic cop on the road is like a bow on a penis - it looks good, but why such luxury?
What is bad in Russia is fools and roads ...
But what is good is the fools and the tracks!
If a woman thought up a traffic light, he would have the following colors:
red with small white peas, yellow with oblique black stripes and green with golden glitters.
Someday Russia will win all its troubles, and then there will be no fools or roads in it.
We have the same rights! Subs are different ...
If you think your brains well, you can lose them.
Features of fashion-2006: Going out on the street, she puts on earrings in the color of her panties.
The corporate spirit is the youngest of the employees who washes socks to the heads of departments, and counts the directors to days until retirement.

- Lesha, I was just called a freak!
- Damn, late!

- Why trample my love?
- And do not need to scatter! How many times he said: blew, rolled, put in the closet!

- After what movie do you want to lay hands on yourself?
- Yes, after any porn!

From life.
Yesterday we are going on a business trip: I and my driver.
We are approaching the railway crossing.
The barrier slowly goes down ... and closes right in front of our nose.
Cost It takes ten minutes ... no train.
Suddenly, the barrier moves up and opens. We look at each other.
“Stealth,” says the driver.

On the Estonian customs. Customs officer:
- Chaaai? Not. Koffoff? Not. Kakkava? Oh, yes, Kakkava! What is the purpose of your visit?

Spring call.
The best spring appeal is the invitingly spread legs of a woman.

The daughter comes home late at night and says to her mother:
“Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in my life!”
- Well, the fact that you are the first time, - says mom, - this is clear ... But how do you know that your boyfriend was doing this for the first time? !!
- Because THAT he had in cellophane!

- Yulia Vladmirovna, why did you refuse to go to Moscow?
- I decided to take the sowing campaign. And then in Moscow you can linger until the cleaning service ... Like Khodorkovsky!

The creators of "Night Watch"! Yes, you are the first. Yes, you are cool - but you looked not 3, but 8.5 million people.
Chairman of the League of Video Pirates of Russia.

A girl comes into the gynecologist's office.
The doctor is in a good mood:
- Girl! What are you pretty - all so white, you have a little white blouse, little white trousers, a little white handbag and shoes!
Girl (joyfully):
- Yes, doctor - I still have thrush!

- Well, okay, okay ... I take my words back ... Unfush you!

- Few people know that after the flight of Belka and Strelka into space, Gagarin walked for a long time for Korolev and said: "Commander, but I am better than a dog."

- Oh, doctor, you have such a light hand!
“This is not a hand,” said the doctor, slightly embarrassed.

Vasya comes home at four in the morning drunk with his friend Vanya.
Vasya's wife opens the door and says:
- Vasya, what time do you come home and in this condition? All you
punished: a month without sex ... And you, Vanya, too ...

- Girl! Can I meet you?
- Just let's hurry! I have in 20 minutes a new challenge!

A bride and groom run into the registry office, half an hour late. Both smile from ear to ear.
Witness, in the ear of the groom:
- Old man, well, where do you go? Still waiting for you. And why are you so radiant?
- Listen, she made me such a blow job now! The best blowjob in my life!
At the same time, the witness asked the bride:
“Where did you go?” And then, I understand that you are happy to get married - but to shine so ...
- Oh, you must understand - I did the last blowjob in my life!

- Dear comrades! You are listening to the program "For those who would like to know, but hesitate to ask." And now by phone 333-33-33 ask your idiotic questions!

- You have not sent five wrappers from the "Maggi" cubes yet ?! So send it faster, otherwise we have nothing to wrap up with ...

On the path leading to the highway, there is a girl with a poster in her hands:

- I think I started walking in a dream ...
- Why do you think so?
- I woke up today in my bed!

Due to the fact that the winner of Eurovision-2004, Ukrainian singer Ruslana Lyzhychko in some songs performs the words "GAY DANA, DANA GAY", the Israeli Ministry of Culture explains that Dana is not gay, Dana is transgender.

- Do you have an ideal woman?
- Was ...
- Why was he? Is he dead?
- Worse - I married him ...

A man asks a friend:
- Why are you so sad?
- Why, I used to have a cool mistress before, I loved to drink, it happened how I would get drunk - I did this blowjob, I just flew away ... But then I firmly decided to stop drinking ...
- So what?!
- Since then, do not drink and do not take in the mouth ...

- When did you get married?
- In April.
- And when was the child born?
- In July.
- So, so interesting!
- Doctor, are you a doctor or a mathematician?

Women are very funny!
Some of them go on 15-centimeter heels all their life, and not fuck me in the ass, because it hurts ...

From life.
Maritime Customs. Situation: early morning, the port is asleep, dispatchers sleep, ships in the roadstead sleep, customs are asleep in the half-eyed. Suddenly, the voice is disturbed by the walkie-talkie (one walkie-talkie for all services is tuned to the same wave): "Radio 8 (dispatcher), radio 8, answer Gus-Khrustalny (name of the ship). The display is silent. The ship requests communication repeatedly.
And then an unidentified sleepy voice on the same channel:
- You are not Gus Crystal, you are horseradish horseradish.
A minute of silence, then a question:
- Who says ?!
On the radio another sleepy voice:
- Yes, everyone says ...

A completely bald man comes to the doctor:
“Doctor, I can't do this anymore.” Do something with my bald head!
- So, here's your pills - drink every day. There will be questions - come.
A week later comes:
- Doctor, I've been drinking for a week, but there is no result.
- Well, you drink, drink ...
Comes in a month:
- Doctor, there is no result anyway. Only on the ass hair began to grow!
- You continue to drink ...
Comes again in a month:
- Doctor, they do not help - only grow on the ass and everything ...
- Keep drinking and come later.
Six months later comes:
“Doctor, I can't do this anymore.” No hairs on the head have grown - and from behind so that it is impossible to walk.
- So, well, now gradually begin to comb on the head ...

If a girl with honor got out of the situation, it means that the situation was wrong.
A man is looking for a woman who looks like a mother; and finds mother-in-law, like dad.
Tell me what you think, and I will tell you what.
I do not like Jewish holidays - they always have some kind of curtailed end ...
What a conscience to me - I have a family.
After the wedding night, the most unloved saying in men is not you first, not you last.
In fact, acupuncture is an ancient Chinese torture with a minor side effect.
In jumps, the one who jumps all wins, and in shooting, who will shoot everyone.
I would have known a pack - I would have given a turnip!
A woman needs a little while to be happy - at least 15 centimeters.
Your joy from the arrival of a clear sunny morning will be incomplete if it suddenly becomes clear to you that this is Monday.

- What are you so worried about?
“Why, I’m thinking how you can accommodate seventy-five people invited by your wife to the anniversary of our wedding in a studio apartment!”
- So you have a round date?
- No, I have a wife - a round fool!

- Debushka! How much burden?
- The eighth month!

Three-time Georgian champion in long-distance swimming Zaza Babivadze was disqualified at the World Championships!
He could not prove to the judges that he undressed and went to the start only in swimming trunks ...

- Guys, today I pour a little more, but less for yourself.
- Why ?!
“And today it’s your turn to carry me home.”

An unprecedented hurricane struck Colorado yesterday. Destroyed houses, destroyed crops. According to local environmentalists, not a single beetle was hurt.

Men leave home for work, including in order to bring money home. But, mainly, they go to work in order to relax from home.

- How strong is your moonshine! What do you add to it?
- Cement.

- Ivan Semyonovich has clearly increased pressure!
- Why did you decide so - you are not a doctor?
“And mosquitoes explode on it!”

300 years to Peter. Putin arrives at the exhibition of children's drawings. A little boy gives him a gift. Putin:
- Thank. Boy, why do your hands tremble?
- And this is because, Uncle President, that I have just had three red dots on my chest ...

A group of Estonian companies entered the market of communication with a new service - "Internet
- by mail! "

The wife comes home at night. Rings at the door. The husband opens with a rolling pin.
Tells her:
- Come on breath!
- Uhhh! (breathes on him)
He sniffed and hrenak her slap in the face:
- Again sucked!

Barrymore sits at home in the kitchen, eating oatmeal. Suddenly the doorbell rings. Barrymore goes to the hallway, opens the door.
Behind the door is another Barrymore and asks:
- Tell me, please. - Do Barrymores live here?

Doctors repeated in desperation:
- We lose it, ah - we lose it!
And watched as the amount of alcohol in a large thick-walled bottle decreases every day.

A drug addict goes to McDonalds and asks:
- Uh-uh! And how many poppies in the "Big Mac"?

- Hello, we have a special offer! Do you smoke?
- Not.
- What kind of cigarettes do you not smoke?

Mom came with her son to the cemetery.
- Here, here, son, lies your grandfather. He died a long time and does not know that you were born.
The boy thought and asked:
- Mom, and next to an empty place for my grandmother?
- Yes, sonny.
- So you do not worry, we will bury the grandmother - the grandfather and will see me.

- And let's give Putin a lighter!
- He does not smoke!
- And let's give him a jacket in pineapples, pants are so green and ...
- And you do not smoke!

Saturday. Bathhouse Two voices in the fog.
-... possible without offshore! Bear Belsky know?
- Not only heard ...
- Well, so he once through customs five lemons green Nalom drove!
- How?!
- Just! ... Drove six!

Message on ICQ:
- Hi Vovan, is that you?
- Are you out of your mind ?! I don’t have any INTERNET !!!

There are two friends:
- Why are you so happy?
- Vaska from the army dodged !!!
- otkosil, or paid?
- I went to jail !!!

The sensor registering satisfaction has gone on sale.
The difference between the male and female version in the calibration scale.
In men, from -1 to +10.
In women from -10 to more than 0.

- And I know how the “Dish of the World” will be in English.
- Rease dish?
- Yes, I do not pussy, I honestly know!

In childhood, the girl Kate was very much teased.
Because of the beard!

Announcement: On TV, an awesome announcer with a vile voice is required to report filth.

- I am vodka - with me on the holiday clearly.
- I am a salad - I am glad to every face.
- And I have hashish ... I forgot the words.

Have survived: the word "VIR" is used in Russia more often than the word "prick"!

Life observation:
When you can’t have sex for a long time, you notice that naked women surround you all the time!
Only they are dressed ...

Valeria Novodvorskaya starred in Playboy. The log is closed.

- Three maidens by the window...
- They could not stand the balcony.

A steep jeep is driving, all dirty and behind it is written: “Victor! Urgently call!”.
Just below: "Fuck it!".

Rehearsal advertising juice.
- And I am a cherry ..
- And I - the apple ...
- And I - a tomato ...
- And I - dickhead ....
- boy !!!!! YOU ARE EAGLE !!!! Again...
- And I am a cherry ..
- And I - the apple ...
- And I - a tomato ...
- And I - dickhead ....
- boy !!!!! I repeat - you - Eggplant !!!! Again!!!
- And I am a cherry ..
- And I - the apple ...
- And I - eggplant !!!
- boy !!!!! You're a dickhead !!!! First comes - TOMAT !!!!

According to the good old tradition, women are first taken care of and then married.
And for the bad - immediately fucked.
Wipe your hands on your pants uncivilized! This will explain to anyone whose pants you have chosen.
I already have so much hair on my head that each haircut may be the last for me.
Shahid to get together - just gird ...
Every woman has a secret. Vaginal.
You cannot judge a girl only by her appearance ... Jack the Ripper understood this, and therefore he was also interested in the viscera ...
This morning the mirror showed such a terrible movie ....
If everyone keeps up, then the convoy is easier to work with.
If you create decent conditions in prisons, decent people will go there.
Do not worry about many things, and you will survive many.
If a woman tries to keep her virginity before the wedding, then she has many chances to keep her until retirement.

Moscow airport has acquired a biosystem to scare away birds worth $ 30 million. The system is served by one operator.
The system is able to automatically convert obscene expressions of the operator into the alarming cries of various species of birds ...

- Associate Professor Sidorov - again your telescope is aimed at a female hostel ...
Are you not interested in seeing the birth of a new galaxy? !!

Kamchatka volcanologists have lost a piece of research over the past 130 years!

Yesterday I sold my homeland ...
Today returned - said defective.

- Why is it possible to cook shish kebab from a Russian sheep, but not from an American one?
- We are not cannibals ...

New SMS game!
Send any three-digit number to number 777 and find it in your account!

- Sister - please invite the next patient ...
- But, doctor - I haven't finished dancing with this yet!

- Honey, I'm so tired, we have been going for two hours!
- Be patient, honey, soon a halt.
- I can not! I rubbed my backpack, sneakers shake, the sun bakes!
- Well, what can I do, love?
- Maybe you get out of a backpack?

In 1776, the freest country in the world was created - the United States of North America.
And after 90 years it even abolished slavery ...

- What kind of girl can a man be called a princess?
- The one who let him into her palace ...

Exam. Enter a sort of cute student. From the threshold asks:
- Put me a five!
Lecturer (stunned):
- Yes, people here for the top five bones fall!
Student (Looking Around):
- Where?

Shop, near the counter are dad and son. A son:
- Pa-a-ap! And how much juice should I take?
- Well, how do I know? You drink it! I'm not asking you how much vodka should I take?

London. Our days.
Simple English janitor sweeps the pavement. Ostap Bender approaches him:
- And what, father, do you have brides in your city?
- To whom and Camilla the bride ...

In my opinion, this is the height of cynicism: to lay me in the next room, and in the morning to ask, why am I so sad? ..

I recently purchased a home theater.
On the first row of chairs, the boys are now sitting and cracking candies, on the second - the wife with the mother-in-law sunflower seeds, on the third - we are drinking beer with friends, the back of the sofa is kissing the daughter with a friend, and behind the couch the cats are twitching ...

- What will be the mobile phone of the future?
- It will consist of two bugs: one is inserted into the ear, the other into the tooth.
And if you have not replenished the bill in time, you still have to pay for the services of a lora and a dentist!

- Hello. Who do you want?
- Yes, so decided to make a mistake.

- What are you talking yesterday on the phone for an hour? Swearing with someone?
- No, I congratulated my friend on his birthday.

From the dialogue on the street:
- Yesterday celebrated the 18th anniversary of his brother. What did the relatives give him? Car.
Mercedes, of course, the latest model. Such a beauty, shines all, leather seats! Wonder machine! - then comes a heavy sigh, mkhatovskaya pause, and to continue: - The only drawback of her - the size of one to forty!

The police squad tumbles into the apartment to one figure-shaped lady.
- Did you call us now and urgently ask you to come in because your husband suddenly left for a business trip?
- No no. Sorry, I probably dialed the wrong number!

Telephone call:
- Hello, I'm on the ad!
- Hello, speak louder!
- I'm on the ad !!!
- Repeat who is it ?!
- I'm calling on AD !!!
- According to the announcement?
- YES!!!
- On what?
- Concerning the hearing aid !!!
- What device?
- Oh, hearing! Already sold!

- Children, what is your favorite toothpaste?
- Colgate!
- And how much will be two and two?
- Colgate!
- Goodbye, children!
- Colgate!

“Why are your elephants having fun by throwing some dirty waders out of a cage right on their heads!” I will complain!
- Calm down, this is just for you waders. And for them, it's just used condoms.

In the pharmacy:
- I have something to work with the girls.
- Viagra?
- No, is there chloroform?

A convoy of cars is driving along the highway, traveling far and periodically stopping to refuel. Only one rusty "penny" does not refuel ...
And here one drove, unable to bear it, comes up to her and asks:
- Guys, we have traveled 5,000 kilometers already - and you have never refueled, I thought maybe your tank is big or the car eats little - but for such a distance there will not be enough tank!
From the "penny" two surprised students:
- And we have no money ...

Military aircraft IL-14. Far flight to the east. The third hour of flight, early morning, the sun rises: the whole crew is half asleep. A flight along the border with China. Suddenly, the SPU (aircraft intercom):
- Commander, 5 degrees to the right.
He tucks.
And here again:
- 5 more to the right.
The commander, finally cheering up and remembering that the border is near:
- Navigator, what course?
In headphones:
- What is the old one!
- And what tuck?
- I did not say tuck.
- Well, how - 5, then another 5!
- Yes, I did not say!
- And who said ?!
- I.
- Who am I?!
- The radio operator.
The commander turns around and looks at the radio operator, who, in complete relaxation, has spread around the chair.
- Well, why?
- Yes, the sun was right in my eyes ... And now it's normal!

When not paying a salary - there are only two ways to save yourself and your
nerves: either not going to work, or not going home!
Of the two evils, the vicious one wins. So there is good.
Useful advice gardeners. If you yourself will be in the garden all day, you will not need a scarecrow.
The disadvantage is greed. Excess - hangover.
Cannibals are not those that people eat, but those that have horses!
Each pioneer must hand over 15 kg of waste paper to the state and two who have not passed it.
In order to forever discourage her husband from going for a walk to the left - you only need to give him a good one time, and it is on the left egg!
The ability to quickly find a common language is very dependent on the technique of a kiss.
If the baton is misused, it can turn into intestinal ...
Medical examination in the military - a legal way to show the draft board dick.

- Girl! You're a girl?
- Impudent!
- Do not guess !! Sidorov I !!!

- Moses came out and said: see these rivers, these mountains, these seas?
- Yes.
- Good, next.

From life.
Pedagogical Institute, 5th pair. All students are tired. And they ask the teacher:
- Oleg Nikolaevich - well, let go, we are very tired ...
- Well, well, when this piece of chalk ends - then let's go home ...
Quiet voice from the back of the desk:
“Let me eat him!”

- Gyulchatay, open beer!
- And maybe all the same face?
- What are you, Gulchatay ?! Yes, everyone is perfectly aware that your face only beer open!

Very solid cabinet. In the chair sits no less respectable businessman.
Enter the secretary.
- Ivan Ivanovich, I apologize, have you forgotten that Medical University is under our patronage?
- Nah, do not forget, but what?
- Today called from the anatomical theater. They asked for help.
- Yes, lope is possible, eh?
- Yes, they are asking for tools and equipment. They already have enough corpses.

- My birthday falls on November 28th.
- Excuse me, what year?
- Everyone, young man!

Shop women's underwear - "Bustier" ...
And if male?

Marry a foreigner!
Brunette, height 175, weight 70. Hardworking, loves animals. He speaks Russian almost the same way he speaks Tajik ...

In Warsaw, they wanted to name any square by the name of Karol Wojtyla ...
But he did too little against Russia.

As a child, Boris Moiseyev literally begged his parents to kick his ass ...

- Moldovan scientists have invented the world's first environmentally friendly engine that runs on energy hamsters. He burns 12 hamsters per 100 kilometers.

Criminal news: yesterday Ivanov and Petrov were spotted in an active-passive chess game.
In the interests of the investigation, the names and the name of the game have been changed.

- Barman! 20 drops of valokordin me and my old women!

- I love to make love with my girlfriend in the car!
- What is your car?
- Washing!

- And I rested in Italy!
- What is Italy ?! Your father is an engineer, and your mother is a teacher.
- And my uncle is a thief!

- I look at you, Katya Lel! Not two evils in Russia!

- Do you want a melody on your bell?

“Does the chain mail sweat under your arms?” Burdock every day!

- Vasilisa is sleeping on the stove, and Ivan is sleeping next to her ...
- Fool!

- Tale. The old man had three sons. The eldest clever was a fellow, the middle one was this way and that, the youngest was a fool!
- The old man was sick, and each time it got worse and worse ...

- Guys, where is the $ 100 district?
- Yes, there is no such area ... And you, actually, why ?!
- Yes, I was told - here are some good girls somewhere around $ 100.

Announcement: Lost dog, breed diver. Signs - black, large, with a white spot on the chest, scuba orange ...

- Recently there was a contest of children's drawings on asphalt on the highway Kyiv-Odessa. The competition was called "Road marking eyes of children."

News feed.
The United States conducted an operation in support of starving children in Africa.
During the operation was destroyed ...

Even hopeless morons and "vegetables" are no longer written in the pants literally on the same day !!
Ask in the shops of the city a new Pampers with a battery !!!

The girl calls in "La Strada":
- Excuse me, but photoepilation is how?
- In Photoshop ...

- Hey, cab driver, give me a smoke.
- I will not give, a drop of nicotine kills a horse.
- Yes, you wake up, cab driver, then wipe your eyes. I'm your horse!

In the Irkutsk region appeared bear-rod. It turned out that the snorer bear does not give her sleep.

Wife reprimands husband:
“I’m watching, Vasya, I’m thinking about you — I’ll meet you not fifteen years ago, and now, I wouldn’t have married you for anything like that ...”
- Yes, why the hell would you need me now with three children?

- Dear, our housekeeper says that she is pregnant!
- Surely lying! There is no such doctor who would determine it on the third day!

Having a rest in the south, he wakes up with difficulty after a wild five-day binge, stupidly looks at himself in the mirror - blue, swollen and thoughtfully says:
- Oh, how I got tanned ... Yes, and recovered too ...

- Mother Mother! Vovka sprayed me all over!
“And you spray it too.”
- But, mom, how? I'm a girl!

There lived an old man with his old woman at the very blue sea. The old man threw a seine into the sea, a seine came, and there a pike.
- What the heck? - surprised the old man. - Like a golden fish should be. I'm not Emelya, after all.
“It's all right,” answered the pike. - We have worked with goldfish for a long time in one sector of the market. And recently, on the board of directors, an agreement was reached on the absorption of one enterprise by another ...
And pike full of burped.

Two prostitutes are talking:
- How do you live?
- Poorly. Stagger at the Metropol: who will give a couple of dollars, who in the face - and all fuck ...
- And I live beautifully! I constantly go to the House of the actor, to the House of the Writer, to the House of the Journalist. The audience is intelligent. They invite me to their home - there is brandy, champagne ... Then I go to bed with him, he puts a penis in his hands - and he falls asleep and sleeps all night ...
- Yes, you are well settled ... Who helped?
- Yes, ancestors ...
- Ancestors ?! Than?
- Surname gave a lasting name - Sobchak!

And curiously, the criminal article "For an attempted coup d'etat"
there is, but for the coup d'état itself is not ...
So what if we are without a king in the head - but we have a democracy in the ass!
Uninvited helper - the best pest.
The moon was invented by the Jews in order not to pay for electricity ...
It is good to be senile - every day you will read new jokes on the tape!
The queen gave birth to a son on the night of the net, a gross daughter.
Well this is how you need to hate people to become a dentist ...
Nothing is as expensive as the desire to get rid of cheap ...
Never drink on an empty wallet!
Why don't people fly like birds? And thumps like pigs!
Today the expression: “It’s like the children go to school” got a slightly different meaning ...
The cheapest and most reliable way to clear a minefield is to sow it with hemp.
Cute curse - pussy itching.

- Why is the weight of the dish written in the menu 050, and not just 50 grams?
- So this is an octal number.

Mosvodkanal threaten to sue the gr. Sidorov, who by criminal indiscretion poured a whole bottle of Domestos into the toilet, thereby destroying the most valuable species of rare bacteria that Mosvodkanal grew for 70 years ...

- Why does the toilet smoke?
- Thrust is better!

- And we have already met!
- That's what I look - the body is familiar ...

Ukrainian runs on Belarusian:
- Here we have everything in Ukraine. And bread, and coal, and all sorts of ores, and even oil in the Carpathians found. And you? Only one potato is ...
“Yes,” replies the Belarusian. - You're right. During the war, the Germans even had to import policemen from Ukraine.

- Guys, they take me into the army ...
- How is it, do you have enuresis and flat feet?
- I was told: "You will be for the Germans"!

A man sits in the closet of the Bolshoi Theater. Suddenly someone began to break through the door.
Man, displeased:
- Well, who else is there?
- This is us, dancers from the ballet group!
- Well, dance while at the door ... Rehearse!

On the street a pretty woman approaches a young man:
- Sorry, but it seems to me that you are the father of one of my children ...
The man is terrified:
- I?!!
- Calm down, I'm a teacher ...

- And what are your complaints about this man?
- He said that I have a zest ...
- So what? This is a compliment!
- Yes, but he tried to pick it out !!!

One man says to another:
- I went here to my doctor ... He was a strange one, not the same as always.
- And why did you decide?
- Yes, while I told him about my problems, he never even smiled ...

- Masha Rasputina performed plastic surgery.
- Aha - and, judging by the appearance, itself!

The secretary comes into the office to the head and says:
- From now on, I will have a salary of one thousand dollars and 4 days off a week!
Chief, with sarcasm:
- And who told you that, honey?
- Gynecologist and lawyer !!!

- Hello, doctor? Help, I have severe diarrhea. I can't even get up from the toilet.
- My dear - you should not consult with me, but with a psychiatrist to consult - who during the diarrhea gets up from the toilet ?!

- Honey, I have a surprise for you!
- Can not be! Really sober in the morning ?!

“Boy, why do you only put American tanks on the sand, and don't touch English ones?”
- And the English themselves will sink in the sand ...

Spider - ant (extremely annoyed):
- And the cock you know there, how do you distinguish each other in the face ...