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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories



In the near future, in the wake of light drugs, light pedophilia, light rape and easy killings without aggravating circumstances will be legalized in Holland.


Sunset. Two (man and woman) are sitting on the lake.
- Darling, let's get married?
- Come on ...
A painful long pause ...
- Darling, why are you silent?
- It seems that I pissed off too much ...


- Come on, Vasya - yesterday I took a long parachute jump.
- What is straightforwardly protracted ?! You just couldn’t jump!
- It just couldn’t ... But once he dragged on - and jumped!


An intelligent person does not have the idea to add the letter “e” to the words “be” in the song of Maxim Galkin and Alla Pugacheva “Whether or not to be” ...


Fairy tale "Gingerbread Man":
“Don't eat me, bear.” I was aground by the gouges, scrubbed through the barns - shorter than dust, dirt, glass, gobies.


Yuri Kuklachev broke up with his cats.
The fact is that on New Year's holidays they bombed clubs without him.


The twelfth congress of suckers took place in Moscow yesterday. Suckers from around the world gathered in Moscow, and the congress was canceled!


A Negro boy cried, called for help, but could not escape from Moydodyr’s tenacious claws.


- Vasya, what a bastard you are all the same - how could you boast that you took advantage of my favor ?!
- I did not boast, Manya - I repented ...


- Dear, am I your first woman?
“Of course, dear!”
- But what about Tanya, Masha, Klavka, Duska, Verka! ..? !!!
- Well, they were virgins ...


Good for homosexuals: After all, on February 23, "relatives" congratulate them, and on March 8
- "close"!


- You work. Work! When I become president, I’ll add you a pension ...


Radio call:
- Hello, my name is Eugene. I want to say hello to my beloved hole ...
Pause.
DJ:
- To whom?
- Irochka, what did I say? Oh shit ...
... short beeps...


- New cigarettes "Ukrainian Parliament". There are 450 cigarettes in a pack, with more than half left.


"Oh, MINE GOTT !!!" - this is the phrase every time Russian tourists look forward to when a German pops into the toilet immediately after them ...


From life.
... Occupation of students of the pediatric faculty. A female professor demonstrates how to examine a child (aged 4-5) in the department and asks him a question:
- Bunny, how do you like: porridge or sausage?
Kid:
- What are you, you fool ?! By shit!


Promotion from the Central Election Commission:
"Vote for Putin twice and get him for a third term without an election!".


- Hello, is this the "Star Factory"?
- Yes!
- Do you need a device to enhance male vocal abilities?
- Needed! What do you have there?
- Small egg vices.


- What is the ray of death?
“The death ray is the look that one woman casts on another, dressed equally with her.”


"Yes, these princes have already fucked up," the Sleeping Beauty thought.
And indeed, no one was in a hurry with kisses ...


You cannot live in the world without women, no!
Who is better than women to do blowjob? ...


From life.
A daughter of about six, having heard on Sunday morning that her parents have already woken up, are talking, joyfully rushing into the room, talking about something about her, and father, like everyone else in the morning, needs to go to one place ...
He tells her:
- Daughter - leave, please, I need to get up ...
She, in surprise:
- What ?!
Dad:
- Well, I'm naked, without panties ...
She:
- Nothing, get up - I won’t laugh! ...


- Have you heard, Holmes - They want to kick Russia out of the G8?
- You know, Watson - I had to deal with Siberian convicts ...
People are ferocious and very cunning. It’s difficult to escape from hard labor, but it’s even more difficult to survive in the taiga without food ... Therefore, when a gang decides to escape, they usually take a so-called “bull” with them. Choose a convict larger and more avid. They make a stand with him, claim that now he is their best friend to the grave.
And then they begin to convince that "honest work is the road to the house" - this is for suckers. And the only way to freedom is escape. There they will live as if in paradise, they will rob and share honestly together. They invite him to discuss escape plans, carefully listen to his opinion, admire his mind. And he already grunts with delight that he made such friends. And then in the taiga, these friends eat him ... So, Watson - there has never been a case when a gang threw a “goby” half-eaten only because he disappointed them with his lack of desire for freedom ...


A young man comes to the pharmacy, goes to the cashier and asks:
- Hello! Please tell me, how much does it cost to pack those diapers?
“150 rubles, ten pieces a pack,” the seller answers in a boring voice.
“Yeah,” the young man assimilates the information, and it can be seen from his face that his mood is improving, “And how much does it cost to remove heat, for an infant?”
- 100 rubles 30 kopecks. for 25 milliliters, - the seller answers in the same tone.
- Punch?
- No, no, not worth it! - the guy continues, more and more rejoicing. - And drops from a cold for babies?
- 250 rubles 50 ml, a very good tool, says the cashier.
- And how much is it? - the guy asks, gleaming eyes.
- Total 500 rubles. Punching, dad?
- No, no - are you crazy? - exclaims the young man with fear, - where did I get such money ?! That’s me, out of curiosity ... And I’m not dad.
And adds:
“Give me, please, he’s that pack of condoms for thirty ...”


Another similarity of a man with a cell phone: in the morning, the indicator shows a full charge.
New diaper "Secret XXL" - hide your worries!
The night Watch!!! Get out of the internet for everyone !!!
Sometimes a woman can replace masturbation! But what a rich imagination it takes!
In addition to soap for intimate places "Dove", the manufacturer launched a mouthwash on the market.
Throw the ball to the Chechens and Tatars - and they will forget about the war and the demand for sovereignty!
Before deciding to get married, think carefully - if you need only one sausage, is it worth buying an entire pig?
Horror is a small Latvian non-poisonous snake.
With a flick of the wrist, the beach turns into a nudist ...


If, waking up in the morning, you find an ugly and unloved woman in your bed, do not worry! Rejoice that you even woke up!


Social behavior is too unnatural for women. Therefore, they want to catch up with all naturalness in bed.


- From a rearrangement of terms, the amount changes!
- Why ?!
- But compare: "Blood with milk" and "Milk with blood" ...


- Are you eating potatoes ?! This ... this is low, mean and terrible! People buried potatoes - and you dug it and eat it ?!


- When I got married, my mother stabbed a pig.
- To the wedding?
- Not. Crazy just ...


- Evolution is a terrible thing! I tell you this, platypus!


- All your life you broke me!
- Look at yourself! You go to the kitchen like a cockroach, the birth rate drops!


In the Hindu pantheon, a new god Chereshnu appeared.
He looks like Vishnu, only bigger and his face is more red ...


The wife of a lawyer who had just been dismissed from work gives him a newspaper:
- Look at this ad - in my opinion, just right for you ... He takes a newspaper and reads: "Beauty needs a pedicurist."


Scientists have found that the radiation from remote controls is extremely harmful to your health!
The study was funded by the Association of Television Advertising Manufacturers.


- Hee hee hee, funny tobacco! Give us your funny tobacco too ...


Doctor to patient:
- Which is better - a healthy nose or a sick one?
- Of course, the patient!
- Why ?!
- A healthy nose is ugly!


From life.
Kiev, election period, city bus. At the bus stop a slightly tidy man comes in and starts to swear obscenely and rude passengers from the stairs!
The conductor loudly declares:
- The man! If you voted for Yanukovych twice, then it is not necessary to demonstrate this to the entire bus!


Situation: in the guest house, a young man came to an almost adult daughter.
I went into the bathroom and loudly, with an expression, said:
- What panties!
Parents from different rooms, not seeing what actually happened, amicably voice:
- Dasha, take off your underpants!
- Dasha, put on your underpants!


- A vegetable to help you, i.e. to hell with you!


At the World Ski Jumping Championships, the Russian team was disqualified for using doping - pea soup.


- Zhanka - it turns out that the bright one fills me!
- No, Sveta, the bright one doesn’t fill you at all ... You are fed up with what you eat 14 times a day ...


“I escorted a neighbor to the army yesterday.” So his girl was so roaring, so roaring.
“Of course, he took it with him.”


In terms of the number of discs sold over the past five years, the CD is still the undisputed leader with its 750 MB album.


The first wedding night in the village.
Vasya:
- Galya - you said you were a virgin!
- I said?!
- Yes, you!
- When ?!
- When did you meet !!!
- God, how uncomfortable ...


The new "Domestos" kills all known microbes.
And unknown - captures for experiments ...


Met two.
- Well, how's your health?
- Don’t say, I’ve become really bad, I’m sick ... I drink two glasses - and not in one eye ...


Market. There is an old man of 70 years. Just bought sugar, carries a bag. There was a hole in the bag. Sand is pouring.
A young saleswoman decided to help and says:
- Granddad! Your sand is pouring !!
Grandfather:
- Live to my age, bitch!


- I’m coming back, so a day earlier from a business trip ...
- Do not tell further ...
- Why ?!
- Then everything is clear ... Did you find him in the closet?
- Nah - I buried him behind the barn ...


- Who are these people in leather jackets with machine guns around our house?
- The roof, sir ...
“Why are they bald?”
- Roof tiles, sir ...


Two friends are dating.
- Something you look bad.
- Yesterday my mother-in-law was buried ...
- What - there were a lot of people?
- Yes, it was unmeasured - I had to exhibit in two places ...


“Defendant, you must tell the truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth!”
- True, true, true, true, true!


- Darling, do you want to tell me something?
- No, I want to fill you with something!


Walking man with a bull. Towards a woman:
- Oh, young man, what a cool dog you have! What is her name?
- Shamtu.
“Does she like to wash herself with shampoo?”
- No, fucking, curious hawks - sham that, sham this ...


From life.
Yesterday I buy groceries at the store, in front of me at the checkout counter a young man punches a small plush puppy and ... a package of condoms.
I internally burst into tears of tenderness, but the continuation killed me ...
After he sees the amount of the check, he takes out a hundred, looks at it (not enough 30 rubles) and says a phrase, from which I (after his departure) neigh for five minutes:
- Zero the puppy ...


Relatives persuade one man to marry.
And he:
- Well, nafig them - they are all whores!
Found him a virgin.
He met once, met a second, and then stopped.
They ask him:
- Well, what ceased to meet?
Is he:
- I slept with her ... Well, now what the fuck is that for me ?!


Daughter runs to her father:
- Dad! Dad! What will you give to mom and me on March 8th?
- The line.
- Why do we need a ruler ?!
- And in order to measure the cock that you and my mother gave me on February 23 ...


Dogs rush at me, because inside me there are bones ...
On the towers of the Kremlin, a sign was established that combines the old and new symbols of Russia - a five-pointed eagle. The bird has two heads and five x ...
By handwriting, one can recognize not only the character of a person, but also who he is insisting on.
And why did Noah kill those two mosquitoes then ...?
The doctor gives me two weeks of life, it would be nice in August!
A circle of lovers of hard toys.
Self-esteem in men most often appears when viewing erotica.
Real men do not cry to the authorities in a vest, they blow their nose!
A true President is never bad! Only the previous ones are bad.
If vodka ends before two, it means there was no third with you!
The most correct lottery is to guess the presence and style of underwear under tight tight-fitting material.
Man is the only animal that can be a fool.
I do not like vodka - but I love what she does with me!


In the Israeli army:
- Well, here you are, Sasha, took the oath, it remains only to accept baptism of fire!
Well, in the sense of circumcision in battle!


The policeman rebukes the confusion:
“You better go work.”
- And you too.


Two swear:
- Fool!
- Fool!
- Come on!
- Whore!


- What is the name of a woman who thinks for two?
- Pregnant.


A man came to work - and there is a mountain of corpses!
It turned out that he was working in the morgue ...


Are you terribly tired of seeing the same woman every day, but you don’t have enough money to support two or more?
Buy a set of interchangeable panels for her - paint your sex world in new unexpected colors!


- A few minutes ago I lost a grenade in this room. Well, at least good people returned the ring.


Putin abruptly opens the door of the refrigerator. Look - and there the jelly stands and finely shakes ...
- Do not shake, - Vladimir Vladimirovich smiles, - I am for ketchup ...


- Are you going to die ?!
- Why?
- And today is the first time you dressed everything clean !!!


- Where were you?
- Walked with a dog.
- We don’t have a dog.
- And we met on the street.


- Hello, is this a car service? And write down my car for tomorrow morning. I need to turn off the lights!


- Brewer German Stolz has long wanted to visit Russia. Something surprised him, something outraged, and something drank, robbed and filled his face.


From life.
On an exam at a medical institute, a professor asks a student:
- What is the blood in the male penis?
The student, thinking, answers:
- Arterial.
Professor:
- If it was arterial - I could hammer a member of the wall ...
The inertia student looks at the wall and begins to laugh wildly. The entire exam panel looks at the wall and starts to laugh too.
The professor turns to the wall - and sees a hole of impressive size ...


- Still, they correctly say: the best man for the family is after 60.
- Of course, but after 80 it’s even better. He then does not get out of bed at all!


- Son, happy holiday to you!
- Pa, don’t guess - maybe I’ll do it ...


The host of the live broadcast of the popular radio station is returning home.
Tired, barely dragging feet ...
The wife in the hallway asks:
- What is it? You are earlier than usual today ...
He replies gloomily:
- The songs are fucking over ...


- With what words does the blonde begin a clever speech?
- My friend said that ...


In the store near the counter are father and son.
Son:
- Dad, how much juice should I take?
- Well, how do I know! You drink it ... I don’t ask you how much I should take vodka ...


Once my wife decided to shave her pubis - and the razor does not take hard curly hair ...
- Dear - something your razor does not shave ...
“And you do it like that,” the husband says and puffs out his cheeks.
- Then, dear, I need your help


From life.
Once on the 21st floor of a book (City Hall on Novy Arbat), a summit of heads of Russian business was held in Gusinsky’s office. At the meeting, I don’t know for what reason, a middle-aged banker was invited ...
A little late, he vigorously inquired about the reception:
- The oligarchs in the collection ?!
The secretary nodded and responded on duty:
- How to introduce you?
The guest thought for a second:
- And I'm their friend ... It turns out that the oligofrend!


- They want to rename the constellation Ursa Major into the constellation Ursa Major.
- And why?!
- Just before the telescopes were not so powerful, not everything could be seen ...


“Have you seen the pissing boy here?”
- Not.
- Show?


“Son, what were you going to watch on TV at half past twelve?”
- Yes, some kind of transmission about the life of animals.
“And what do they think there?” We found the time to show children's programs! Well, look. What’s called?
- "Night butterflies on Tverskaya".


Sir Henry Baskerville is having dinner. Hot food in a plate fills the room with the aroma of oriental spices ...
“What is it, Barrymore ?!”
“One minute, sir, I’ll find out from our new cook now ... Kim, what is the name of this dish?”
Voice from the kitchen:
- Korean mutton hee, sir ...
Henry Baskerville is surprised:
- It's strange ... Nobody has raised sheep in our district for a long time. And why is it so quiet today in the swamps?


Standard samples for filling out the questionnaire.
Men's:
"Sergey. 23 years, 230 bucks, 23 cm."
Female:
"Hello! My name is Irina. I am interested in literature, Japanese culture, sushi, sashimi, Murakami, origami, tatami, salami, steppes, fields, ships and amounts with three and four zeros ...".


Feast on February 23.
- Here you are Russian, right?
- Well ...
- So you believe in Christ ?!
- Well, how can I tell you ... Well, maybe he was ... well, fuck with him ...


From life.
I was sick of something. I went to the pharmacy, buy any chemistry. I stand in line.
In front of me some granny pills a pill over a bag and a girl of 20 years old, chubby and with big glasses. The girl holds out a bill in the window and says so quietly:
- Two packs of condoms and a bottle of valerian, please ...
Granny immediately turns to the girl and utters:
- Are you worried? In vain ...


On the Black Sea coast a summer camp “Little Wolf” was opened for children of law enforcement officers.
No time to hurt? It is Bittner that will help you find the time!
A married man is like a scientist cat: "Goes to the left - the song starts, to the right - he tells a fairy tale."
The amount of unwashed dishes is constant, limited by the height of the tap.
Oh, how well celebrated on February 23, when you know that this is not your professional holiday!
A hangover happens only on an odd day of drinking.
A true Chinese should do three things - sneakers, jeans and a tape recorder.
All armies of the world have a secret order: in case of war with China, prisoners should not be taken.
The harsh truth of life: the son of a Russian and an Uzbek - a mestizo, the son of a Russian and a black man - a mulatto, the son of a Russian and a Jew ... - a Jew!


So that during your vacation it would not occur to anyone that your work can be done without you, you need to supply everyone with so much vodka before the vacation, so that it is enough until the end of the vacation.


- I saw you leaving the gay club yesterday ...
- I went out, but why did you stay?


“Dad, can't the gorilla jump out of the cage?”
- Come on, honey, this is just a cashier ...


- The waiter! Why is IT called in your beef broth? Where's the beef?
- As where?! She gave you this broth - and now grazes again ...


- Do you love me? Or is it just PR?


- Yes, I pissed on your tests !!!
- Well, how many stripes?


- Pavel Andreevich, and whose spy are you?
- From just do not need anti-Semitism!


He rolls around and reads a book, and she is a glossy magazine.
She:
“But you never pour me a champagne bath!”
He thoughtfully looking up from the book:
- Into the anus ?! CHAMPAGNE ?!


The husband arrives home from the south and the wife suddenly notices that he has small horns on his head peeping.
She says to him in surprise:
“How so, dear, I swear to you that while you were resting, I never cheated on you!” Where did the horns come from ?!
And the husband answers her:
- Don’t worry - I know that it’s not you ...


- Grandfather - how many apples are there in the Beloved?
- And what do you think ?!
- And I myself think about girls ... What apples are there ...


To the cinema:
- Young man, your fly is open.
“And how did you notice?” It's dark.
- By the smell!


A man cannot live without a woman!
It was only the Decembrists who woke Herzen in the morning, but I have a different orientation ...


- Sasha, I brought you this rose! Sorry, the second one in the subway was broken ...


“Children, have you read my new book?”
- Yes!
- Did you like it?
- Yes!
- What is she talking about?
- Yes!
(Madonna’s dialogue with American children about the release of her new book is shown on TV).


- And my grandfather fought with the Germans!
- With the Germans ?! And mine is against ...


For a better assimilation of products, we in the family switched to separate nutrition ...
In the morning I eat, at lunch my wife, in the evening - mother-in-law!


What is a crowded bus?
This is when a cellphone rings in a lady's purse - and on the other end of the bus people feel a vibrating alert.


- Meet the fast train from Berdyansk! Your train is delayed. You can meet the passenger from Tula for now! People go there too. They will be pleased.


When boarding a plane, the passenger turns to the stewardess:
- Where are you gagging bags?
“We haven’t taken off yet, are you already sick?”
- And you look at my neighbor!


The village blacksmith told the new apprentice:
- Now I’ll take out a horseshoe from the fire. I nod my head - hit her with a hammer.
So the apprentice novice immediately became a blacksmith ...


... In connection with the increasing incidence of stuck American missiles at the exit from the mine, the Pentagon ordered the closure of all MacDonalds outlets in the territory of American military bases.


- Lucy, pour a hundred grams.
- In the morning pulled on drunkenness?
- What does drunkenness have to do with it - I need to take a pill!


- Girl, and I have two tickets for the SMASN concert !!
- Wow! Lucky for you ... Two times you go.


- What is the maximum speed in gay sex?
- 68, because at 69 you already roll over.


“He only tasted a woman by the age of thirty.”
- And before that - never?
- Before that there were only men.
“Is he blue?”
“No, cannibal.”


- I’ll fucking! Who I see! Sanya! What fate!
- Yes, you will be a whore, you will ...


- Give me two condoms.
“Why two?”
- So there are two of us!


- What kind of noise, but no fights?
- Foreplay for now.


Maternity hospital, joyful sunny morning, under the windows of a group of men with obligatory carnations in their hands. They breathe fresh air, wait until the young mothers wake up, blush, someone already indulges in fresh beer. The nurse gives the go-ahead, screams begin:
- Olya, I love you!
- Masha, fool, show me!
- Ira, a boy or a girl?
Suddenly a wild cry:
- Lyokha !!!
The men are quiet and look at each other. There is a big man in overalls and yells:
- Lyoha! Roofing material to serve?


The beginning of the twentieth century. On the train, among other passengers, are a young Jew and a pretty Russian lady.
Lady:
- Jew, what time is it?
Jew zero attention ...
- Hey, Jew - deaf? I ask - what time is it!
The Jew silently takes out a pocket watch with a lid - and without opening it, he shows the lady.
- Are you a Jew - foolish? How can I see the time through the cap? !!
“And how did you see through two pants that I am a Jew?”


The lord is sitting in an armchair and reading a newspaper.
At this moment, his wife wanted intimacy and is trying in every possible way to attract his attention ...
She put on a transparent peignoir over beautiful underwear, walks, spins around him, and he does not care - just turns over the pages of the newspaper.
She decided to undress already, sat down on the armrest and began to rub against him with her breasts - and at least henna for him.
Then she doesn’t stand it, pulls out a newspaper from him, sits on top of him and says with a groan:
- Ohh, darling !!! Рлеасе, funk me !!!!!
The Lord looks at her so thoughtfully, after which he shows her middle finger and says with relish:
- Fuсk wow!


New condoms are released, called the "Night Clearance".
Robin Hood killed the rich and gave them to the poor ...
Belt of innocence. The rest is the neckline.
No matter how much you feed the girl, you’ll have to solder.
The peculiarity of the current summer season in Russia is that women with a closed stomach enjoy the greatest interest among men.
In our free domestic hospitals, each patient can receive the most expensive imported diseases for free.
The help of a psychoanalyst is, of course, good. But still swearing and talking vulgarity at every step is much cheaper.
Amnesty extended only to criminals.
Chips are the ability to sell one potato at the price of a kilogram.
Happiness is not when you have everything, but when you don’t have something, and God forbid!
Kirkorov's rabies ...
The world is so arranged that for one person who uses the word "by no means" in speech, there are nine who use "not a dick."


Little Red Riding Hood also thought that she was just walking until the Gray Wolf pulled off her clothes ...


- Man, and who are you by profession?
- Florist.
- And what is the most pleasant thing about your work?
- Defloration.


American is afraid to buy hacked Windows. He buys Windows for 300 bucks ...
Russian buys hacked Windows and rejoices that he saved 300 bucks ...
A Ukrainian buys hacked Windows - and is surprised that you have to pay as much as 12 hryvnias for this glucodrome !!!


- Heard, the KVN team recently lost great at the races. Out of habit, they put on a horse that neighs louder ...


We asked ten passers-by:
- What is TCP / IP?
Nine out of ten said they did not know. And only one person immediately sent us a dick.


A train. One of the fellow travelers talks about the impressions of a summer vacation:
- Yes, it’s good on the Black Sea, there is such a tree there: you’ll throw it into the fire - it’s a wonderful aroma, you just forgot the name, like the letter “x”!
I thought for a while:
- I remembered! The name of the tree is thuja!


- 95-60-90 - how is it?
- This is when one leg is 5 cm longer than the other.
- And 60?


A Viking is sitting in a campfire near a campfire. Gently unfastens chain mail from the gate to the navel. Staples with thread. Saws the edge of the shield and covers the cut with bread crumb.
Others look, but do not say anything. A man silently retires to the forest.
The next day, the neighbors talked about some kind of creeper who, with a roar, jumped into the clearing, bit off the edge of the shield and broke through chain mail on his chest ...


Housewarming. A joyful tenant shows guests the flowers on the windowsill:
- This is geranium, this is this, this is this, and this is a "money tree"!
After a short pause, he adds sadly:
- But it does not help ...


Dialogue in the gynecologist's office:
“Oh doctor, it tickles me.”
- Sorry, please think!


Dialogue in the gynecologist's office:
“Doctor, why are you looking at me like that?” Did you find anything?
- Not understood. What did you lose there?


- I am Andrey Shevchenko, I love football. And now I want to contact the Russian team for something like that.


- Hello how are you?
- Fine, I got fired from work.
- For what?
- Yes, hell knows, I have not been there for six months ...


- Alla Borisovna, with whom would you like to sing this song in a duet?
- Yes, I have one fagot in my mind ... not Kirkorov.


Call to the help desk of a mobile operator:
- Hello, girl - your company is stealing money!
- Tell us more about what happened.
- Last night I checked the balance, it was 10 bucks, turned off the phone, this morning I turn it on - on the account 0.
- Did you put the phone on charge for the night?
- He set ...
- So it’s your debt for electricity removed.


Everyone must have heard of the charming Mary Popins ...
But almost nothing is known about her neighbors - Mary Siskins and Mary Piskins.


Ivan Tsarevich kissed the frog, and she turned into a handsome prince.
Startled by Ivan.
And the handsome prince consoles him:
- Don’t be sad, Ivanushka ... You will get your princess if you kiss a toad in a point.


- Parallel lines do not cross ... Proved by grandfather ...
- Where did you get grandfather's cardiogram?


- Comrade Captain, what time will we start the artillery preparation?
- At five thirty.
“Comrade Captain, I don’t like those two houses on the outskirts.”
- I said: at five thirty!


“I could have surrendered to him just like that, but then it will not be me, and why such acts of mercy?”


- Dima, what do you and Lenka have?
- Nothing, we are just friends.
- No, Dima - they don’t do that to friends ...


- To the table, beloved, a miracle awaits you!
- What kind of crap did you cook?
- Shut up and eat!


Monday. Valentine's Day.
Morning. Office.
On a planning meeting, the chef first loved everyone at once, then each individually ...


From life.
Ah women, oh women ... Yes! They are!!! Today I heard on the street ...
Go ahead two girls of about twenty. One another says:
“He spent my annual salary on me for ten days of the New Year holidays!” And you still say that on the first day of acquaintance should not be taken by mouth ...


Pretty blonde confesses:
- Oh, but I don’t like to fuck at all - I don’t understand anything about this sex and don’t get any pleasure ...
- But how do you guys fuck ?!
- (sad and doomed) They don't fuck me. They masturbate me ...


If you do good to nine out of ten people, and one person is doing badly, then you are fighting against human rights.
If one person out of ten you do well, and nine people do poorly, then you fight for human rights.
If you do not do one good person out of ten, then you are fighting for universal equality.
And if you do not do a bad thing to any person out of ten, then you will not fight for anything, and therefore you are worthy of universal contempt!


A guy comes up to a girl in a nightclub and offers:
- Listen, let's have sex?
She answers him:
- OK, but where are we going - to you or to me?
He looks at her with contempt and says:
- You know, you are so complicated ... Forget it!


ICQ log.
02/25/2005 16:49:07, Svetik.
shit ... what phone do i need? nobody called for the whole day ...
02/25/2005 16:49:41, 0z.
shit ... why do I need a member ... no one in a whole day sucked ...
02/25/2005 16:49:53, Svetik.
Denis..!
02/25/2005 16:50:03, 0z.
=)) Do you want to call?
02/25/2005 16:50:13, Svetik.
fucking !!!


While salt and sugar are considered white deaths, cocaine can sleep peacefully.
There are no "Jehovah's Witnesses" in Sicily ... Sicilians generally do not like any witnesses ...
When you have brains, it’s good! And when they are not there, you don’t think about it.
Russia is a country of reasonable compromises, so in trains, as a rule, one car is soft, the other is warm, and the third is not noisy.
There was a mouse-louse, a frog-frog and a cassette with a porn ...
Sometimes you need to know exactly what kind of person is on the other side of the condom.
Collect 10 goals from dead dogs and get a fashionable pentagram.
The desire to first leave the traffic light in order to show everyone the ass, is a clear sign of latent homosexuality.
Girls are different, the consequences are the same ...
In offices, the traveling secretary is now called the sex admin.


Ad.
Selling a shell on Red Square. Perfect condition. Always clean travel, security. There is one drawback - inside the mummy.


“How can you breathe this air?”
- And we are not dragging on.


- Dad, you promised to go to the zoo.
- Father promised - father went!


New column of Ukrainian passport:
- I will not steal: a lot, before dinner, on Fridays. (Underline whatever applicable).


- Girls, let's get acquainted!
- We are in a hurry.
- And we are fast!


“Dad, I want to become a scooper too!”
“No, son, you need to study somewhere!” Get a diploma, and then scoop as much as you want!


A man with premature ejaculation will meet a frigid woman, for a pleasant pastime.


At a banquet on the occasion of City Day, a considerable embarrassment came out with Professor Mitrofanov. Because he, after trying to kiss a pretty lady after a feast, kissed her pen, by chance put two of her fingers into his mouth.


The girl after a blowjob climbs kissing a peasant. He was already tired of turning away.
She tells him:
“You are strange people, men ... After yourself, you are backward, and after others you are not.”


Sightseeing tour of Moscow - the best traffic jams in the capital!


The main mistake in canceling the distribution of in-kind benefits was that the interests of hundreds of thousands of people who lived only on the basis of which these benefits were naturally distributed were not taken into account.


- Dear! How do you Love Me????
- I? How from here to the moon !!!!
- And I, and I, and I ... how until the end of the validity of the BI + card !!!!
- What is it like?
- Yes, the money runs out - and you can not even try to call !!!


- I am vodka - with me for the holiday clearly!
- I am a salad - I’m glad to see your faces!
- I'm moonshine - I am going to overtake!
- I’m a horilka - a brainwave dope!
- And I haveh ... I forgot the words ...


“Why is garbage being taken out of town?”
- So they are people too ...


From life.
A friend came to visit. He asks: "Do not know where to buy a decent pornographic magazine? And then my son, fourteen years old, is engaged in masturbation, looking at contour maps. I feel sorry for him ...".


Pushkin says to Arina Rodionovna:
- Nanny, bring me some vodka.
“So they drank it all yesterday.”
- Again you will tell me fairy tales!


His colleague was taken as an idiot of a doctor - narcologist Schmitt Ilya Alexandrovich.
And even put him in a madhouse.
Guided by considerations of medical ethics, Ilya Alexandrovich did not dispute the erroneous diagnosis of his colleagues. He waited until everyone went to bed, and demonstrated to the unlucky Aesculapius the difference between an idiot and a schizophrenic - a serial killer, prone to homosexuality.


A simple and affordable way to extend the thrill of a girl several times even after the most incendiary sex is to say a short
phrases: "He's torn!"


- Well, wake up, bunny ...
- No, I'm a fish today! I have no legs and I won’t go to kindergarten ...


- This mood disappears - can I kick your dog?


- ABOUT! How I dream to lean on a firm man’s shoulder!
- Yes! Rely well on solid ...


- Doctor, tell me - will I live?
- Yes, you will live.
- Hooray, I will live with the doctor !!!


"This could be your advertisement."
Imagine what you did to the one that ended up at this place?


For the sake of the experiment, genetic scientists introduced the sea turtle gene to the seals.
Now, in spring, seals bury their eggs in the sand.


Chicken - Rooster:
- Tell me, are you a man or not?
- Man. Are there doubts?
- Who knows, I have some eggs!


The husband comes home and sees his wife with a lover. The wife was scared, and the husband
is talking:
- Oh, you bastard! He promised to be faithful, and you fuck this whore yourself! ..


A guy and a girl make love in a regular missionary position.
Girl know yourself lies like a log. Well, this guy, of course, breaks off the beginning. He offers her:
- Let's change the pose, or what?
And she - to him:
- Yeah, right now! So that you later tell everyone - that, they say, I had it that way and that! Let's not get distracted!


Two blue talk:
- You know, dear, a huge sexy maniac burst into my apartment yesterday - so I had to push him into FIG!
“How could you push him if he was so huge?”
- Well, how-how? Of course, ass-ass!


A woman walks along the seashore, thinking about what a bastard her ex-husband is.
Suddenly a goldfish appears in front of her:
“I will fulfill any three of your wishes,” she says, “and completely free of charge.” But remember: whatever you get, your ex-husband will get twice as much.
“First,” the woman says, “I want $ 10 million.”
A check immediately drops into her hand.
- Secondly, I want a villa by the sea.
There is a villa in front of her, and in her hand are the keys.
“Your husband now has 20 million and two villas,” recalls the fish.
“So what's the last wish?”
“You know,” the woman replies, “I always wanted to have a lover with a big cock ...”


From life.
Everyone knows that our people do not swear, but speaks on it.
But we and the West are accustoming him.
The story from the words of an eyewitness ...
Germany, the autobahn, in one of the "pockets" is a truck with Russian numbers. The muzzle was pulled up, drove - hands on elbows in fuel oil - something is chopped in it ... Germany is a police country - of course, here they drew themselves. Two cops, young and not very i.e. with experience.
Well, the one that is young begins to load his partner - a car kaput, call an abshlep (in order to drag the car to the workshop) ...
Then the older one approaches the carrier, frays something with him, gets into his car and is about to leave. Young in confusion, looks at him with a dumb question.
A senior officer and says:
- He’ll get better now and leave ...
Young to him, in surprise:
“Do you speak Russian ?!”
Old:
- No, I just drove said “crap”, but if he said “fucked up” - then you need to go to the workshop ...


“Hula, yopta?”
- ???
“Are you hula silent, stsuko?” Who demanded the elder fucking?
“Ah, are you the eldest?”
- No fucking, I'm mean!
“Why are you talking to me like that ?!” I'm on you ...
- And I'm on you! I put the fuck on you, that's what. Why am I talking like that? Do you want to find out?
- Yes!
- Pussy, shit! Dog - dog death, yopt. I’m talking like that!
Do you have any questions?
- Yes there is! I have no connection here ...
- Blowjob, fucking! Need to masturbate less on the phone! What do you have there?
- Well it...
- Wow! Learn to talk, cocksucker! Done, fucking, the Russian land, dalbayoboff itself to perdition. You say you can’t call anywhere?
- Well yes...
- Pussy! Cho for the device?
- Well, this one, motorola ...
- Throw the fuck away! Pontov - to the bastard, but there is no denik on a normal mobile!
Divorced, fucking, fucking ... Cho on the display pishezzo?
- Well, that, Tim, like ...
- Fuck you sob! Learn to talk, yeblan! Did you try to disconnect the device?
- Not.
- Blowjob! Restart the device and try again.
- Well, this is - I, like, every time, I have to turn it on and off, cho finally ...
- Learn Albanian, gorilla! Read the agreement, the clause of such-and-such, the right paragraph from below and draw conclusions, yopt.
- Oh, thanks.
- Contact us, we were happy to help you ...