My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

In Holland, light pedophilia, light rape and light murders without aggravating circumstances will be legalized soon after the light drugs.

Sunset. Two men and a woman are sitting on the shore of the lake.
- Darling, let's get married?
- Come on ...
A painful long pause ...
"Darling, why are you silent?"
"I think I've already played too much ..."

- Estimate, Vasya - yesterday I made a long jump with a parachute.
- What immediately straight lingering ?! You just could not jump so!
"It's just that I could not ... And I took a while and jumped!"

An intelligent person will not have the thought of adding the letter "e" to the words "whether" in the song of Maxim Galkin and Alla Pugacheva "Be or not" ...

The Tale of Kolobok:
"Do not eat me, bear." Me along the bogs swept, the barns scraped - shorter the dust, dirt, glass, bullheads.

Yuri Kuklachev broke up with his cats.
The fact is that on New Year's holidays they bombed the clubs without it.

Yesterday in Moscow took place the twelfth congress of suckers. Fuckers from all over the world came to Moscow, and the congress was canceled!

Negro boy was crying, he called for help, but he could not escape from the grasping claws of Moidodyr.

- Vasya, what are you still a bastard - how could you brag that you used my favor?
- I did not boast, Manya - I repented ...

- Darling, I'm your first woman?
- Of course, dear!
- And what about Tanya, Masha, Klavka, Duska, Verka! ..? !!!
"Well, they were virgins ..."

Good homosexuals: After February 23 they are congratulated by "relatives", and on March 8
- "close"!

- You work. Work! When the president becomes - I'll add a pension ...

Call on the radio:
- Hello, my name is Eugene. I want to say hello to my beloved hole ...
"Irochka, what did I say?" Oh, fuck ...
... short beeps...

- New cigarettes "Ukrainian Parliament". In pack 450 cigarettes, more than half - left.

"Oh, MINE GOTT !!!" - this phrase is always eagerly awaited by Russian tourists, when right after them the German jumps to the toilet ...

From life.
... Occupation of students of pediatric faculty. A woman professor demonstrates how to inspect a child (4-5 years) in the department and ask him a question:
- Bunny, how do you crochet: kashka or sausage?
- You Th, fool ?! Shit!

Advertising action from the Central Election Commission:
"Vote for Putin twice and get him for a third term without elections!".

"Hello, is this the Star Factory?"
- Yes!
- Do you need a device to increase male vocal abilities?
- It is necessary! And what about you?
- Small egg tisochki.

"What is the ray of death?"
- A ray of death is a glance that one woman throws at another, equally dressed with her.

"Yes, these princes have already fucked," thought the Sleeping Beauty.
And indeed, with kisses, no one was in a hurry ...

Without women, one can not live in the world, no!
Who will make a blowjob better than women? ...

From life.
A daughter of about six, hearing on Sunday morning that her parents are already awake, talking, happily running into the room, talking about something about her, and her father, like everyone in the morning, should go out to one place ...
He said to her:
- Daughter - go away, please, I have to get up ...
She, surprised:
- And what ?!
- Well, I'm naked, without panties ...
She is:
- Nothing, get up - I will not laugh! ...

- Did you hear, Holmes - they want to expel Russia from the G-8?
- You know, Watson - I had to deal with Siberian convicts ...
People are fierce and very cunning. It is difficult to escape from hard labor, but it is even more difficult to survive in the taiga without food ... Therefore, when a gang is decided to escape, they usually take with them the so-called "bull". Choose a zek bigger and ponivivne. Koreshatsya with him, they say that now he is their best friend to the grave.
And then they begin to convince that "honest work is the road to home" - this is for suckers. And the only way to freedom is to escape. There they will heal like in paradise, they will rob and divide honestly. Invite him to discuss plans for escape, listen attentively to his opinion, admire his mind. And he already mumbles with delight that he had such friends. And then in the taiga these friends eat it ... So, Watson - there was still no case that the gang threw the "bull" undernourished only because he disappointed them with his inadequate desire for freedom ...

The young man comes to the pharmacy, approaches the cashier and asks:
- Hello! Tell me please, how much does it cost that he packs the diapers?
- 150 rubles, ten pieces of packaging, - the seller says in a boring voice.
"Yeah," the young man assimilates the information, and his face shows that his mood is improving. "And how much is a remedy for taking the heat off for a baby?"
- 100 rubles 30 kopecks. For 25 milliliters, - the same tone is answered by the seller.
- Break through?
"No, no, it's not worth it!" - continues the guy, more and more rejoicing. "And the drops from the cold for babies?"
- 250 rubles 50 ml, a very good tool, - says the cashier.
- And how much does it leave? - Asked the guy, gleaming with his eyes.
- Total 500 rubles. Punch, dad?
- No, no - are you out of your mind? - exclaims the young man with fright, - where do I get such money ?! It's me, out of curiosity ... And I'm not dad.
And adds:
"Give me, please, give me that bundle of condoms for thirty ..."

Another similarity of a man with a cell phone: in the morning the indicator shows full charging.
New pampers "The Secret of XXL" - hide your worries!
The night Watch!!! All out of the Internet!
Sometimes a woman can replace masturbation! But what a rich imagination for this you need!
In addition to the soap for the intimate places "Dove", the manufacturer has put on the market rinsing for the mouth "Taking".
Throw the ball to the Chechens and Tatars - and they will forget about the war and the demand for sovereignty!
Before deciding to get married, think carefully - if you only need one sausage, is it worth buying the whole pig?
Horror - this is a small Latvian non-venomous snake.
With an easy movement of the hand, the beach turns into a nudist ...

If, waking up in the morning, you find in your bed an ugly and unloved woman, do not be upset! Rejoice that you are generally awake!

Social behavior for women is too unnatural. Therefore, they want to make up for everything in bed.

- The permutation of the summands changes the sum!
- Why ?!
- But compare: "Blood with milk" and "Milk with blood" ...

"Are you going to eat potatoes?" It's ... it's low, mean and awful! People buried potatoes - and you dug it and eat it ?!

- When I got married, my mother stabbed a pig.
"For the wedding?"
- No. She just freaked out ...

- Evolution is a terrible thing! I tell you, platypus!

"You've ruined my whole life!"
- Look at yourself! You're like entering the kitchen, with cockroaches dropping birthrate!

In the Hindu pantheon a new god appeared Chereshnu.
He looks like Vishnu, only bigger and his face redder ...

The wife of a lawyer who has just been dismissed from his job gives him a newspaper:
- Look at this announcement - in my opinion, just right for you ... He takes a newspaper and reads: "A beauty salon needs a pedicurist."

Scientists have determined that the radiation from remote controls is extremely harmful to health!
The study was funded by the Association of TV Advertising Manufacturers.

"Hi-hee-hee, cheerful tobacco maker!" Give us more of your jolly tobacco ...

Doctor - patient:
- Which is better - a healthy nose or sick?
- Of course, sick!
- Why ?!
"A healthy nose is ugly!"

From life.
Kiev, election period, city bus. At the stop comes a slightly poddaty man and from the stairs begins to swear obscenely and rude to passengers!
The conductor loudly declares:
- Man! If you twice voted for Yanukovych, then it is not necessary to demonstrate this to the whole bus!

Situation: there is a guest in the house, a young man came to an almost adult daughter.
He went into the bathroom and said loudly, with an expression:
"What panties!"
Parents from different rooms, not seeing what, in fact, happened, amicably voice:
- Dasha, take off your panties!
"Dasha, put on your underpants!"

- Vegetable is your help, i.e. The hell with you!

At the World Championships in ski jumping from a springboard, the Russian national team for the use of dope - pea soup - was disqualified.

- Zhanka - it turns out, the light something fills me!
- No, Sveta, you are not bright at all ... You are full of what you eat 14 times a day ...

"I saw off my neighbor in the army yesterday." So his girl so roared, so roared.
- Of course, he took it with him.

The number of CDs sold over the past five years is still the undisputed leader is the CD-ER group with its 750 MB album.

The first wedding night in the village.
- Galya - you said that you are a virgin!
- I said?!
- Yes, you!
- When we met !!!
"My God, how uncomfortable ..."

The new "Dostoes" kills all the known microbes.
And the unknown - captures for experiments ...

The two met.
"Well, how is your health?"
"Do not say, I've become completely ill, sick ... I drink two glasses - and in no one's eye ..."

Market. An old man is going 70 years. Just bought sugar, carries the package. In the package was a hole. The sand is strewing.
A young saleswoman decided to help and says:
- Granddad! At you the sand is strewed !!
- Until my age, live, bitch!

- I come back, then a day earlier from the trip ...
- Do not tell me further ...
- Why ?!
- Then everything is clear ... You found it in the closet?
- No-ah - I buried it behind the barn ...

"Who are these people in leather jackets with assault rifles around our house?"
"The roof, sir ..."
"Why are they bald?"
"Tiles, sir ..."

Two friends meet.
"You do not look well."
- Yesterday my mother-in-law was buried ...
- What - there were a lot of people?
- Yes Nemereno - had to put up in two places ...

"The defendant, you must speak the truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth!"
"True, it's true, it's true, it's true!"

"Darling, do you want to tell me something?"
- No, I want to stuff you something!

A guy with a boule is walking. Towards a woman:
- Oh, young man, what a great dog you have! What is her name?
- Shamtu.
- Does she like to wash with shampoo?
- No, fuck, curious hawala - sham that, sham this ...

From life.
Yesterday in the store I buy food, in front of me at the checkout the young man punches a small plush puppy and ... a package of condoms.
I'm inwardly bursting into tears of emotion, but the sequel has killed me ...
After he sees the amount of the check, he takes out a hundred looks at her (not enough 30 rubles) and says the phrase, from which I (after his departure) neighing for five minutes:
- Pup hairless ...

The family is persuading one peasant to marry.
And he:
- Come on them nafig - they are all whores!
Have found to it.
He met once, met the second, and then stopped.
He is asked:
- Well, Che stopped dating?
Is he:
- I slept with her ... Well, now I do not need this whore ?!

The daughter runs up to her father:
- Dad! Dad! What will you and Mom give to me on March 8?
- Ruler.
- Why do we need a ruler ?!
- And to take a dick, which you gave me and my mother for February 23 ...

Dogs rush at me because I have bones inside me ...
On the towers of the Kremlin, a sign was established that unites the old and new symbols of Russia-the five-pointed eagle. The bird has two heads and five x ...
By handwriting you can learn not only the character of a person, but also to whom he is nastuch Al.
And why did Noah kill those two mosquitoes ...?
The doctor gives me two weeks of life, it's good to be in August!
A circle of lovers of solid toys.
The sense of self-worth in men often appears when watching eroticism.
Real men do not cry to the authorities in the vest, they blow their nose!
A real President is not bad! Only the previous ones are bad.
If the vodka ends before two, then you did not have a third!
The most correct lottery is a guessing under the tight fitting material of the presence and style of the underwear of a woman.
Man is the only animal that can be a fool.
I do not like vodka - but I love what she does to me!

In the Israeli army:
- Well, here you are, Sasha, took the oath, it remains only to receive a baptism of fire!
Well, in the sense of circumcision by battle!

The policeman reproaches the confusing:
"You'd better work."
- And you too.

Two swear:
"You fool!"
"You fool!"
- The vulgar!
- Poglyuha!

- What is the name of a woman who thinks for two?
- Pregnant.

A man came to work - and there is a mountain of corpses!
It turned out that he works in the morgue ...

You are terribly tired of seeing every day the same woman, and the content of two or more is not enough money?
Buy for her a set of replaceable panels - paint your sexy world in new unexpected colors!

"A few minutes ago I lost a grenade in this room." Well, at least kind people returned the ring.

Putin sharply opens the refrigerator door. Look - and there is a cold standing and finely shaking ...
- Do not shake, - smiles Vladimir Vladimirovich, - I'm for ketchup ...

"Are you going to die?"
- Why?
- And you today for the first time all clean clothes !!!

- Where have you been?
- I walked with a dog.
- We do not have a dog
- And we met on the street.

"Hello, is this a car service?" And write down my car for tomorrow morning. I need to turn off the lights!

- Brewer Hermann Stoltz has long wanted to visit Russia. Something surprised him, something outraged him, but something made him drink, he stole it and his face cracked.

From life.
At the examination at the medical college, the professor asks the student:
"What blood is in the male member?"
The student, having thought, answers:
- Arterial.
"If it were an arterial one, I could hollow out a member of the wall ..."
The student looks at the wall by inertia and starts to laugh wildly. The entire examining committee looks at the wall and starts to laugh too.
The professor turns to the wall - and sees an impressive hole size ...

- Still, the right thing to say: the best man for the family - after 60.
- Of course, but after 80 it's even better. He then does not get out of bed at all!

- Sonny, happy holiday!
- Pa, do not make a guess - maybe I will do it again ...

Returns the host of the live broadcast of the popular radio station home.
Tired, barely dragging his feet ...
The wife in the hallway asks:
- And what is it? You're earlier than usual today ...
The latter responds glumly:
- Songs, fucking, are over ...

- From what words begins the blonde intelligent speech?
- My friend said that ...

In the store near the counter are the father and son.
A son:
"Dad, how much juice should I take?"
- Well, how do I know! You drink it ... I'm not asking you - how much should I take vodka ...

Once she decided to shave her pubic hair - and the razor does not take hard curly hair ...
- Darling - something does not shave your razor ...
"And you do this," the husband says and cheeks his cheeks.
"Then, honey, I'll need your help."

From life.
One day on the 21st floor of the book (the building of the mayor's office on Novy Arbat), a summit of Russian business leaders was held in Gusinsky's office. At the meeting, I do not know why, a middle-class banker was invited ...
Slightly late, he cheerfully asked the reception:
- The oligarchs in the collection?
The secretary nodded and responded on duty:
- How do you imagine?
The guest pondered for a second:
- And I'm their friend ... It turns out that oligofrend!

- Constellation "Big Bear" want to rename the constellation "The Big Bear".
- And why?!
"Just before telescopes were not so powerful, you could not see everything ..."

- And you did not see a pissing boy here?
- No.
- Show?

"Sonny, what are you going to watch on TV for half a night?"
- Yes, some transfer about the life of animals.
"And what do they think?" Have found time to show children's programs! Well, look. And what is it called?
"Butterflies on Tverskaya."

Sir Henry Baskerville is having supper. Hot food in a plate fills the room with the aroma of oriental spices ...
"What is it, Barrymore?"
"One minute, sir, I'm learning from our new cook ... Kim, what's the name of this dish?"
Voice from the kitchen:
- He's lamb in Korean, sir ...
Henry Baskerville is surprised:
- Strange ... In our district for a long time no one breeds sheep. And why is it so quiet today in the marshes?

Standard samples of filling out the questionnaire.
"Sergei, 23, 230 bucks, 23 cm."
"Hello, my name is Irina, I'm fond of literature, Japanese culture, sushi, sashimi, Murakami, origami, tatami, salami, steppe, fields, ships and sums with three and four zeros ...".

Feast on the 23rd of February.
"You're Russian, are not you?"
- Well ...
"You believe in Christ!"
"Well, how can I tell you ... Well, maybe he was ... well, dick with him ..."

From life.
I got something wrong. I went to the chemist's, bought some chemistry. I'm standing in line.
In front of me, some grandmother pills on the bag and a girl of 20, polnenkaya and big glasses. The girl holds out a bill in the window and silently says:
- Two packages of condoms and a bubble of valerian, please ...
Granny immediately turns to the girl and says:
- Are you worried? In vain ...

On the Black Sea coast, the summer camp "Volchonok" was opened for children of law enforcement officers.
There is no time to be ill? It is "Bittner" that will help you find the time!
A married man is like a scientist's cat: "He goes to the left - he starts a song, to the right he tells a fairy tale".
The amount of unwashed dishes is a constant value, limited by the height of the crane.
Oh, how well celebrated on February 23, when you know that this is not your professional holiday!
A hangover happens only on an odd day of drinking.
A real Chinese should do three things - sneakers, jeans and a tape recorder.
All armies of the world have a secret order: in case of war with China, prisoners should not be taken.
The harsh truth of life: the son of a Russian and an Uzbek - a half-breed, the son of a Russian and a Negro - a mulatto, a son of a Russian and a Jew ... - a Jew!

So that during your holiday, it would not occur to anyone that you can do your work without you, you need to put all the vodka before you leave so that it lasts until the end of your vacation.

- I saw how you left the gay club yesterday ...
- I went out, but what are you left with?

"Papa, and the gorilla will not jump out of the cage?"
"Let's go, child, this is only the cash register ..."

"Waiter!" Why is this called beef broth? And where is the beef?
- As where?! She gave you this broth - and now she's grazing again ...

- Do you love me? Or is it just PR?

- Yes, I pissed on your tests!
- Well, how many strips?

"Pavel Andreevich, and whose spy are you?"
"Just do not have anti-Semitism!"

He is lying around and reading a book, and she is a glossy magazine.
She is:
- But you never pour me a bath with champagne!
He, looking away thoughtfully from the book:
- In the anus ?! CHAMPAGNE ?! !!

Her husband comes home from the south and the wife suddenly notices that his small horns on his head are being seen.
She says with astonishment:
"How come, dear, I swear to you that as long as you rested, you never cheated on me!" Where did the horns come from ?!
And her husband answers:
- Yes, do not worry - I know that it's not you ...

- Grandfather - and how many in the "Beloved" apples?
"What do you think?"
- And I myself think of the girls ... What kind of apples ...

To the cinema:
- Young man, you have a fly undone.
- And how did you notice? It's dark.
"By the smell!"

A man can not without a woman!
It's only the Decembrists woke up in the morning, and I have a different orientation ...

- Sasha, I brought you this rose! Sorry, the second in the subway broke ...

"Children, have you read my new book?"
- Yes!
- Did you like it?
- Yes!
- And what is it about?
- Yes!
(Madonna's dialogue with American children about the release of her new book - shown on TV).

- And my grandfather fought with the Germans!
"With the Germans?" And mine - against ...

For more good assimilation of products, we in the family switched to separate food ...
In the morning I eat, at dinner - my wife, in the evening - mother-in-law!

What is a crowded bus?
This is when the lady in the purse calls the mobile phone - and at the other end of the bus people feel the vibrating alert.

- Meet the fast train from Berdyansk! Your train is delayed. You can meet a passenger from Tula for now! There, too, people go. They will be pleased.

When boarding a plane, the passenger turns to the flight attendant:
- Where do you have vomitive packets?
"We have not yet taken off, but are you already sick?"
- And you look at my neighbor!

The village blacksmith said to the new apprentice:
"Now I'll take the horseshoe out of the fire." As I nod your head, hit it with a hammer.
So the novice-apprentice immediately became a blacksmith ...

... In connection with the increased incidence of stuck American missiles at the exit from the mine, the Pentagon ordered the closure of all McDonald's outlets in the territory of US military bases.

"Luc, give me a hundred grammes."
"Did you get drunk in the morning?"
- What does drinking involve - I need a pill to drink!

- Girl, and I have two tickets to the concert MASH !!
- Wow! Lucky for you ... Twice you go.

- What is the maximum speed in gay sex?
- 68, since at 69 you are already turning over.

"He only tried a woman at the age of thirty."
- And before that, not even once?
- Before that there were only men.
"Is he blue?"
- No, the cannibal.

"Shit, I will!" Whom I see! Sanya! What a fate!
"You'll be a whore, will you ..."

- Give me two prezevativa.
- And why two?
- So us two!

- What kind of noise, and there is no fight?
- Preliminary caress yet.

Roddom, a joyful sunny morning, under the windows of a group of peasants with obligatory carnations in their hands. They breathe fresh air, wait for young moms to wake up, blush, someone already has a fresh beer pampers. The nurse gives good, the screams begin:
- Olenka, I love you!
- Masha, you fool, show me!
"Ira, boy or girl?"
Suddenly a wild cry:
- Lech!
The peasants quiet down and look at each other. It's worth the big man in the overalls and yelling:
- Lech! Feed the ruberoid?

The beginning of the twentieth century. On the train, among other passengers, a young Jew and a pretty Russian lady are traveling.
"Zhid, how much time?"
Jew of zero attention ...
"Hey, is the Jew deaf?" I ask - how much time!
The Jew silently takes out a pocket watch with a lid - and, without opening it, shows the lady.
"Are you a fool?" How can I see time through the lid? !!
- And how did you see through two pants that I was a Jew?

The lord sits in a chair and reads a newspaper.
At that moment his wife wanted intimacy and tried in every possible way to attract his attention to him ...
I put on a transparent dressing gown over a beautiful underwear, walks, revolves around him, and he does not care - only the pages of the newspaper turn over.
She decided to undress already, sat down on the armrest and began rubbing against him with her breast - and at least he would have henna.
Then she does not stand, pulls out a newspaper from him, sits down on top of him and says with a groan:
- Ohh, darling !!! Pleasure, fuсk me !!!!!
The Lord looks at her so thoughtfully, after which he shows her the middle finger and with a smile says:
- Fuq wuu!

There are new condoms, called "Night Gap".
Robin Hood killed the rich and gave them to the poor ...
Belt of Innocence. The rest is a decollete.
How much a girl does not feed, but will have to solder.
The peculiarity of the current summer season in Russia is that women with a closed stomach enjoy the greatest interest in men.
In our free domestic hospitals, each patient can receive for free the most expensive imported diseases.
The help of a psychoanalyst is, of course, good. But still swearing obscenities and talking vulgarity at every step is much cheaper.
The amnesty extended only to criminals.
Chips are the ability to sell one potato at the price of a kilogram.
Happiness is not when you have everything, but when you do not have something, God forbid!
Kirkorovye rabies ...
The world is so arranged that one person who uses the word "far away" in a speech has nine who use "no dick."

Little Red Riding Hood also thought that she was just walking, until Gray Wolf pulled her clothes from her ...

- Man, and who are you by profession?
- Florist.
- And what is the most pleasant in your work?
- Defloration.

The American is afraid of buying hacked Windows. He buys Windows for 300 bucks ...
Russian buys haknutye Windows and is happy that he saved $ 300 ...
The Ukrainian buys hacked Windows - and is surprised that for this glucodrome you have to pay as much as 12 hryvnia !!!

- Heard, the KVN team recently lost a lot at the races. By habit, put on a horse, which louder ...

We asked ten passersby:
- What is TCP / IP?
Nine out of ten said they did not know. And only one person immediately sent us to fuck.

A train. One of the fellow travelers tells about the impressions of the summer holiday:
- Yes, it is good on the Black Sea, there is a tree there: you'll throw it into the fire - the fragrance is wonderful, the name only forgot, with the letter "x" like!
I thought for a while:
"I remembered!" The name of the tree is thuya!

- 95-60-90 - this is how?
- This is when one leg is longer than the other by 5 cm.
- A 60?

Viking is sitting in the camp by the fire. Carefully weaves the chain mail from the gate to the navel. Sewing threads. He saws the edge of the shield and slices the cutout with bread crumb.
The people around look, but do not say anything. The man silently leaves in the forest.
The next day, the neighbors were talking about some kind of jerk, with a roar jumped into the clearing, bitten off the edge of the shield and broke through his chest mail ...

Housewarming. Joyful tenant shows guests flowers on the windowsill:
"It's geranium, that's it, this is this, and this is a money tree!"
After a pause, sadly adds:
"But it does not help ..."

Dialogue in the gynecologist's office:
- Oh, doctor, I'm tickled.
"Excuse me, please, I'm thinking!"

Dialogue in the gynecologist's office:
"Doctor, what are you looking at me like that?" Have you found anything?
- Do not understand. And what you lost there?

- I'm Andrey Shevchenko, I like football. And now I want to turn to the Russian team for something similar there.

- Hello how are you?
- Normally, I was fired from my job.
- For what?
- Yes, hell, I have not been there for six months ...

- Alla, with whom would you like to sing this song in a duet?
- Yes, I have one pidaras in mind ... not Kirkorov.

Call to the cell phone operator:
- Alie, girl - your company steals money!
- Tell me more about what happened.
- Last night checked the balance, it was 10 bucks, turned off the phone, this morning I turn on - on the account 0.
- Did you phone at night for recharging?
- Putting ...
- So it's you debts for electricity removed.

Everyone must have heard about the charming Mary Popins ...
But almost nothing is known about her neighbors - Mary Siskins and Mary Pipkins.

Ivan Tsarevich kissed the frog, and it turned into a beautiful prince.
Ivan was in a hurry.
And the beautiful prince consoles him:
- Do not worry, Ivanushka ... You'll get your princess, if you kiss the toad in a point.

- Parallel lines do not intersect ... Proved by grandfather ...
"Where did you carry Grandfather's cardiogram?"

"Comrade Captain, what time do we start the artillery preparation?"
"At five thirty."
"Comrade Captain, I do not like those two houses on the outskirts ..."
"I told you: at five thirty!"

- I could give myself to him just like that, but then it will not be me, and why such acts of mercy?

"Dima, what is there with Lenka?"
- Yes, nothing, we are just friends.
- No, Dima - friends do not do that ...

- To the table, my beloved, you are waiting for a miracle!
- What kind of crap you prepared?
- Shut up and eat!

Monday. Valentine's Day.
Morning. Office.
On the planer chef loves at first all at once, then each separately ...

From life.
Ah, women, ah, women ... Yes! They are!!! Today I heard on the street ...
Go ahead of two girls in their twenties. One other says:
"He spent my annual salary on me during the ten days of the New Year holidays!" And you still say that on the first day of dating you should not take in your mouth ...

Cute blonde is frank:
- Eh, and I do not really fuck you - nothing in this sex I do not understand and I do not get pleasure ...
- And what about you guys are fucking ?!
- (sad and doomed) They do not fuck me. They drochat me ...

If nine people out of ten do well and one person is ill, then you are fighting against human rights.
If one person in ten is doing well, and nine people are ill, then you are fighting for human rights.
If to any person from ten you do not do well, then you are fighting for universal equality.
And if to any person from ten you do not do badly, then you are not fighting for anything, and therefore worthy of universal contempt!

The guy comes to a girl in a nightclub and offers:
- Listen, let's fuck?
She answers him:
- OK, but where will we go - to you or to me?
He looks at her contemptuously and says:
- You know, you're so complicated ... Forget about it!

ICQ log.
25.02.2005 16:49:07, Svetik.
What the fuck ... what phone do I need? No one for the whole day did not call ...
25.02.2005 16:49:41, 0z.
That's fuck ... why do I need a member ... no one for the whole day did not suck ...
25.02.2005 16:49:53, Svetik.
25.02.2005 16:50:03, 0z.
=)) Want to call?
25.02.2005 16:50:13, Svetik.
Fucking !!!

While the white death is considered salt and sugar, cocaine can sleep peacefully.
In Sicily, there are no "Jehovah's Witnesses" ... Sicilians generally do not like any witnesses ...
When there are brains - it's good! And when they are not, then you do not think about it.
Russia is the country of reasonable compromises, therefore, in electric trains, as a rule, one car is soft, the other is warm, and the third does not make noise.
There lived a mouse-norushka, a frog-cuckoo and a cassette with porn ...
Sometimes you need to know exactly what kind of person is on the other side of the condom.
Collect 10 heads from dead dogs and get a fashionable pentagram.
The desire to leave the traffic light first, in order to show everyone the ass, is a bright sign of latent homosexuality.
Girls are different, the consequences are the same ...
In offices, the traveling secretary is now called the sex administrator.

I sell the seashell on Red Square. The condition is perfect. Always clean passage, security. There is one drawback - inside the mummy.

"How can you breathe this air?"
- And we do not drag out.

- Dad, you promised to go to the zoo.
"My father promised that his father would go!"

New graph of the Ukrainian passport:
- I will not steal: a lot, before dinner, on Fridays. (Underline whatever applicable).

- Girls, let's get acquainted!
- We are in a hurry.
- And we are fast!

- Dad, I also want to become a drawer clusets!
- No, son, you need to study somewhere! You will receive a diploma, and then draw as much as you want!

A man with premature ejaculation will get acquainted with a frigid woman, for a pleasant pastime.

At the banquet on the occasion of the City Day with Professor Mitrofanov a great embarrassment came out. Because he, after trying to kiss the fair lady pretty lady to kiss, accidentally two of her fingers in her mouth stuck.

The girl after blowjob climbs kissing to the peasant. He was already tired of being seduced.
She says to him:
"You're a strange people, men ... After you, it's sunk, and after others - no."

A sightseeing tour of Moscow - the best traffic jams of the capital!

The main error in the abolition of the distribution of benefits was that the interests of hundreds of thousands of people who lived only for what they were naturally distributing were not taken into account.

- Dear! How do you love Me????
- I? As from here and to the moon !!!!
- And I, and I, and I ... as before the end of the action card BI + !!!!
- What is it like?
- Yes, the money will end - and you can not even try to call !!!

- I'm vodka - with me for the holiday clearly!
- I'm a salad - happy for your faces!
- I'm moonshine - I'm going to overtake!
- I gorilka - the brain is a fool!
- And I'm hashish ... I forgot the words ...

- And why do they take out garbage out of town?
- So they are people too ...

From life.
A friend came to visit me. Asks: "Do you know where to buy a decent pornographic magazine?" And then my son, fourteen years old, is engaged in masturbation, looking at contour maps. I feel sorry for him ... ".

Pushkin says to Arina Rodionovna:
"Nurse, bring me vodka."
"So you drank it all yesterday."
"You'll tell me tales again!"

They took for the idiot physician - narcologist Schmitt Ilya Alexandrovich his colleague.
And even put him in a madhouse.
Guided by considerations of medical ethics, Ilya Alexandrovich did not challenge the mistaken diagnosis of his colleagues. He waited for everyone to go to bed, and showed the unlucky Aesculapius the difference between an idiot and a schizophrenic - a serial killer prone to homosexuality.

A simple and affordable way to prolong the thrill of the girl several times even after the most inflammatory sex is to say a short
Phrases: "He broke!".

- Well, wake up, hare ...
"No, I'm a fish today!" I do not have legs and I'm not going to the kindergarten ...

- This mood is lost - can I kick your dog?

- ABOUT! How I dream to lean on a firm man's shoulder!
- Yes! It is good to lean on a firm ...

"Doctor, tell me, will I live?"
- Yes, you will live.
- Hooray, I'll live with the doctor !!!

"This place could be your advertisement."
Can you imagine what you did to the one who was in this place?

Genetic scientists for the sake of experiment introduced seals to the sea turtle gene.
Now in the spring the seals bury their eggs in the sand.

Chicken to rooster:
"Tell me, are you a man or not?"
- A man. Is there any doubt?
- How to know, I have eggs!

Her husband comes home and sees his wife with her lover. The wife was frightened, and the husband
He speaks:
"Oh, you bastard!" He promised to be true, but he fucks himself with this whore! ..

Make love to the guy with the girl in the usual missionary position.
The girl know herself lies like a log. Well, this guy, of course, breaks off the beginning of it. He offers her:
- Let's at least change the pose, or what?
And she - him:
- Yeah, right now! So that you tell everyone later - that, they say, I did it, and so I had it! Let's not get distracted!

Conversation of two blue:
- You know, dear, yesterday a huge sexy maniac burst into my apartment - so I had to push him out on the FIG!
"How could you push him out if he was so huge?"
- Well, how? Of course, ass-ass!

A woman walks along the seashore, thinking about what a bastard her ex-husband is.
Suddenly a goldfish appears before her:
"I will fulfill all three of your desires," she says, "and completely for free." But keep in mind: whatever you get, your ex-husband will receive twice as much.
- First, - the woman says, - I want 10 million dollars.
In her hand immediately drops the check.
- Secondly, I want a villa on the beach.
Immediately in front of her is a villa, and in her hand there are keys.
"Your husband now has 20 million and two villas," the fish recalls.
"So what's the last wish?"
- You know, - the woman answers, - I always wanted to have a lover with a big dick ...

From life.
The fact that our people do not swear with mate, but speaks on it - they know everything.
But after all, we and the West are accustomed to it.
Story from the words of an eyewitness ...
Germany, Autobahn, in one of the "pockets" is a truck with Russian numbers. Muzzle tucked, drove - his arms on the elbows in the fuel oil - something is kolupaetsya ... Germany is a country of police - of course, here they drew. Two policemen, young and not so i.e. With experience.
Well, the one that's young, begins to load a partner - auto kaput, call absshlop (to pull the car into the workshop) ...
Here, the older one, comes to the driver, then he rubs it with him, sits down in his car and is about to leave. Young in confusion, looks at him with a dumb question.
The policeman with the experience also speaks:
- He will now get better and leave ...
Young to him, surprised:
"Are you speaking Russian?"
- No, just the driver said "bullshit," but if he said "fucked up" - then you need to go to the workshop ...

"You need hula, yopta?"
- ???
"Hoole is silent, stsuko?" Who demanded the eldest, fuck?
"Ah, is that you senior?"
- No, I'm fucking mean!
"Why are you talking to me like that?" I'm on you ...
- And I'm on you! I laid the blame on you, that's what. Why is it that I talk like this? Is that what you want to know?
- Yes!
- Pussy, fuck! A dog is a canine death, a yopt. As it should - and talk!
Are there any questions, or is it?
- Yes there is! I have no connection here ...
- Blowjob, fuck! Mitche less on the phone you need! What do you have there?
- Well it...
- Hoot! Learn to learn, cocksucker! Fucking, fucking, the Russian land, dalbayoboff to itself for perdition. Call, you say, you can not anywhere?
- Well yes...
- Cunt! Cho for the apparatus?
- Well, this, motorola ...
- Fuck off! Pontov - before zalupy, and a denik for a normal mabila is not present!
Divorced, fuck, uyban ... Cho on the display pishezzo?
"Well, that's the same, tim, like ..."
"Fuck you till the sob!" Talk learn, eblan! Did you try to disconnect the device?
- No.
- Blowjob! Restart the machine and try again.
- Well, this - I cho, like, each time must turn on / off, cho finally can ...
"Learn Albanian, gorilla!" Chetai contract, clause takota-shakoyta, abzdets right bottom and draw conclusions, yopt.
- Oh, thanks.
- Please, we were glad to help you ...