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In Holland, in the near future, light pedophilia, light rape, and light killings without aggravating circumstances will be legalized after the light drugs.


Sunset. Two (a man and a woman) are sitting on the shore of a lake.
- Darling, let's get married?
- Come on ...
The painful long pause ...
- Darling, why are you silent?
- It seems, I already pussy unnecessary ...


- Estimate, Vasya - yesterday I made a long parachute jump.
- What is right immediately protracted? Well you just could not jump something!
- I just could not do it ... But once I dragged on - and jumped!


An intelligent person will not have the idea to add the letter “e” to the words “be” in the song of Maxim Galkin and Alla Pugacheva “Be it or not” ...


Tale "Gingerbread Man":
- Do not eat me, bear. They washed me through the bottom of the barrel, scrubbed along the barns - in short, dust, dirt, glass, gobies.


Yuri Kuklachev broke up with his cats.
The fact is that during the New Year holidays they bombed clubs without him.


Yesterday, the twelfth congress of the suckers took place in Moscow. Suckers from all over the world came to Moscow, and the congress was canceled!


The negro boy cried, calling for help, but he could not escape from the clutches of Moidodyr.


- Vasya, what a bastard you are after all - how could you boast that you took advantage of my favor ?!
- I did not brag, Manya - I repented ...


- Dear, I'm your first woman?
- Of course, dear!
- But what about Tanka, Masha, Klavka, Duska, Verka! ..? !!!
- Well, they were virgins ...


Good for homosexuals: After all, on February 23 they are congratulated by their "relatives", and on March 8
- "close"!


- You work. Work! When I become president, I’ll add a pension ...


Radio call:
- Hello, my name is Eugene. I want to say hello to my beloved hole ...
Pause.
DJ:
- To whom?
- Irochke, and what did I say? Oh, shit ...
... short beeps...


- New cigarettes "Ukrainian Parliament". In a pack of 450 cigarettes, with more than half - left.


“Oh, MINE GOTT !!!” - it is precisely this phrase that Russian tourists are eagerly waiting for when a German immediately drops into the toilet ...


From life.
... Students of the pediatric faculty. A female professor demonstrates how to examine a child (4-5 years old) in a department and ask him a question:
- Bunny, how do you poop: with pap or sausage?
Kid:
- What are you, stupid ?! Shit!


Advertising campaign from the Central Election Commission:
"Vote for Putin twice and get him for a third term without an election!"


- Hello, this is the "Star Factory"?
- Yes!
- Do you need a device for enhancing male vocal abilities?
- Needed! And what about you?
- Little egg vise.


- What is the ray of death?
- The death ray is a look that one woman throws on another, equally dressed with her.


"Yes, these princes already fucked," thought Sleeping Beauty.
And indeed, no one was in a hurry to kiss ...


No women can not live in the world, no!
Who better than women make a blowjob? ...


From life.
A daughter of about six, when she heard on Sunday morning that her parents had already woken up, they were talking, she happily ran to the room, about something she babbled about, and my father, like everyone in the morning, needs to go to one place ...
He says to her:
- Docha - leave, please, I have to get up ...
She is surprised:
- What ?!
Dad:
- Well, I'm naked, no panties ...
She is:
- Nothing, stand up - I will not laugh! ...


- You heard, Holmes - they want to expel Russia from the G-8?
- You know, Watson - I had to deal with Siberian convicts ...
People are ferocious and very cunning. It is difficult to escape from hard labor, but it is even harder to survive in the taiga without food ... Therefore, when the gang decides to escape, they usually take the so-called "bull" with them. Choose a convict bigger and more powerful. Root with him, assure that now he is their best friend to the grave.
And then they begin to convince that "honest work is the way to home" is for suckers. And the only way to freedom is escape. There they will heal as in paradise, will rob together and share honestly. They invite him to discuss escape plans, listen carefully to his opinion, admire his mind. And he was already mumbling with delight that he had such friends. And then in the taiga, these friends are eating him ... So, Watson - it was not yet the case that the gang threw the “bull” to the poor one just because he disappointed them with his insufficient desire for freedom ...


A young man comes to the pharmacy, goes to the cashier and asks:
- Hello! Tell me please, what is the price of packing diapers?
- 150 rubles, ten pieces of packaging, - the seller answers in a boring voice.
“Yeah,” the young man assimilates the information, and his face shows that his mood is improving, “And how much does the heat remedy cost for an infant child?”
- 100 rubles 30 kopecks. for 25 milliliters, - the seller answers in the same tone.
- break through?
- No, no, not worth it! - the guy continues, more and more happy. - And drops from a cold for babies?
- 250 rubles 50 ml, a very good tool - says the cashier.
- And how much does it go? - asks the guy, glinting with his eyes.
- A total of 500 rubles. Punch, dad?
- No, no - are you crazy? - exclaims a young man with fright, - where did I get that kind of money ?! This is me, out of curiosity ... And I am not a dad.
And adds:
- Give me, please, in-he that pack of condoms for thirty ...


Another similarity of a man with a cell phone: in the morning the indicator shows a full charge.
New pampers "Secret XXL" - hide your excitement!
The night Watch!!! Everyone get out of the internet !!!
Sometimes a woman can replace onanism! But what a rich imagination is needed for this!
In addition to the “Dove” intimate soap, the manufacturing company launched the “Taking” mouthwash.
Throw the ball to the Chechens and Tatars - and they will forget about the war and the demand for sovereignty!
Before you decide to get married, think carefully - if you need only one sausage, is it worth buying an entire pig?
The horror is a small Latvian non-poisonous snake.
With a slight movement of the hand, the beach turns into a nudist ...


If, waking up in the morning, you find an ugly and unloved woman in your bed, do not be upset! Rejoice that you are awake at all!


Social behavior for women is too unnatural. Therefore, they want to make up for all the naturalness in bed.


- From the permutation of the terms the amount changes!
- Why ?!
- But compare: "Blood with milk" and "Milk with blood" ...


- What are you, eat potatoes? This ... this is low, mean and terrible! People buried potatoes - and you dug it up and eat it ?!


- When I got married, my mother pinned up a pig.
- At the wedding?
- Not. Freaked out just ...


- Evolution is a terrible thing! I tell you this, the platypus!


- All my life you broke me!
- Look at yourself! How do you enter the kitchen, fertility drops at cockroaches!


In the Hindu pantheon, a new god, Cherry, appeared.
He looks like Vishnu, only bigger and his face is more red ...


The wife of the lawyer who was just dismissed from his job gives him a newspaper:
- Look at this ad - in my opinion, just right for you ... He takes a newspaper and reads: "A beauty salon requires a pedicurist."


Scientists have found that the radiation of remote controls is extremely unhealthy!
The study was funded by the Television Advertising Industry Association.


- Hee hee hee, funny tabachnik! Give us your funny little snuff ...


Doctor to patient:
- Which is better - a healthy nose or a patient?
- Of course, sick!
- Why ?!
- A healthy nose - this is ugly!


From life.
Kiev, election period, city bus. At the stop, a slightly podatky man comes in and starts scolding and rude to the passengers from the steps!
The conductor loudly declares:
- The man! If you voted twice for Yanukovych, then it is not necessary to demonstrate this to the whole bus!


Situation: a guest in the house, a young man came to an almost adult daughter.
I went into the bathroom and loudly, with an expression, says:
- what are the panties!
Parents from different rooms, not seeing what, in fact, happened, unanimously give a voice:
- Dasha, take off your panties!
- Dasha, dress panties!


- Vegetable to help you, i.e. to hell with you!


At the World Championships in ski jumping from the springboard, the Russian team was disqualified for using doping - pea soup.


- Zhanka - it turns out, the light something makes me look fat!
- No, Svetka, light you are not at all full ... You are full of what you eat 14 times a day ...


- Yesterday I escorted my neighbor to the army. So his girl so roared, so roared.
- Of course, he took her with him.


By the number of discs sold over the past five years, the CDD-er group with its album 750 MB is still the undisputed leader.


The first wedding night in the village.
Vasya:
- Galya - you said you were a virgin!
- I said?!
- Yes, you!
- When ?!
- When met !!!
- God, how awkward ...


The new "Properties" kills all known microbes.
And unknowns - captures for experiences ...


Two met.
- Well, how is your health?
- Do not say, it has become absolutely bad, I'm sick ... I drink two glasses - and not in one eye ...


Market. There is an old man of 70 years. Just bought sugar, carries a bag. The package was a hole. Sand pours.
A young saleswoman decided to help and says:
- Grandfather! You have sand frayed !!
Dedok:
- Until my age live, bitch!


- I come back, it means, a day earlier from a business trip ...
- Don't tell me further ...
- Why ?!
- Then everything is clear ... Did you find him in the closet?
“Nah, I buried him behind the barn ...”


- Who are these people in leather jackets with machine guns around our house?
- Roof, sir ...
- Why are they bald?
- Shingles, sir ...


Two friends meet.
- Something you look bad.
- Yes, yesterday the mother-in-law was buried ...
- What - there were a lot of people?
- Yes, Nemer - I had to exhibit in two places ...


- Defendant, you must tell the truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth!
- True, true, true, true, true!


- Dear, do you want to tell me something?
- No, I want you to stuff something!


A guy walks with a boule. Towards a woman:
- Oh, young man, what is your doggy cool! What is her name?
- Shamtu.
- Does she like to wash with shampoo?
- No, fucking curious hawks - sham that, sham this ...


From life.
Yesterday, I buy groceries at the store, in front of me at the checkout, a young man breaks through a little plush puppy and ... a pack of condoms.
I am inwardly flooded with tears of emotion, but the continuation killed me ...
After he sees the amount of the check, he gets a hundred looks at her (30 rubles are missing) and says a phrase that I (after his departure) laughed for about five minutes:
- Zero the puppy ...


Relatives persuades one man to marry.
And he:
- Oh, they nafig - they are all whores!
Found him a virgin.
He met once, met the second, and then stopped.
He is asked:
- Well, why did you stop dating?
Is he:
- I slept with her ... Well, nafig now I have this damn ?!


Daughter runs to her father:
- Dad! Dad! What will you give us with your mother on March 8?
- Ruler.
- Why do we need a ruler?
- And in order to measure dick, which you gave me and your mother on February 23 ...


Dogs rush at me because there are bones inside me ...
On the towers of the Kremlin, a sign was installed combining the old and new symbols of Russia - the five-pointed eagle. The bird has two heads and five ...
By handwriting, you can find out not only the character of a person, but also to whom he sounded altogether.
And why did Noah not then kill those two mosquitoes ...?
The doctor gives me two weeks of life, it would be good in August!
Circle of lovers of solid toys.
Self-esteem in men most often appears when viewing erotica.
These guys do not cry the boss in a vest, they blow their nose there!
This President is never bad! Only previous ones are bad.
If vodka ends before two, then you have no third!
The most correct lottery is guessing under the tight fitting fabric of the presence and style of underwear.
Man is the only animal that can be a fool.
I do not like vodka - but I love what she does to me!


In the Israeli army:
- Well, here you are, Sasha, took the oath, it remains only to accept the baptism of fire!
Well, in the sense of circumcision fight!


Policeman reproaches confused:
- You'd better go work.
- And you too.


Two are fighting:
- Fool!
- Fool!
- Vulgar!
- Fuck!


- What is the name of a woman who thinks for two?
- Pregnant.


A man came to work - and there a mountain of corpses!
It turned out that he works in the morgue ...


Are you terribly sick of seeing one and the same woman every day, and there is not enough money for the maintenance of two or more?
Buy for her a set of interchangeable panels - paint your sexual world in new unexpected colors!


“A few minutes ago I lost a grenade in this room.” Well, at least good people returned the ring.


Putin abruptly opens the door of the refrigerator. Look - and there the jelly stands and shakes so small ...
- Do not shake, - Vladimir Vladimirovich smiles, - I am for ketchup ...


- What are you going to die? !!
- Why?
- And today you for the first time put everything on clean !!!


- Where were you?
- I walked with the dog.
- We do not have a dog
- And we met on the street.


- Hello, this is a car service? And write down my car for tomorrow morning. I need to turn off the lights!


- Brewer Hermann Stolz has long wanted to visit Russia. Something surprised him, something outraged, but something got drunk, robbed and stuffed his face.


From life.
On the exam at the medical institute, the professor asks the student:
- What is the blood in the male member?
The student, having thought, answers:
- Arterial.
Professor:
- If it were arterial - I could have slapped a member of the wall ...
By inertia, the student looks at the wall and starts laughing wildly. The entire examination board looks at the wall and starts laughing too.
The professor turns to the wall - and sees an impressive size hole ...


- Still, rightly said: the best man for the family - after 60.
- Of course, but after 80 is even better. He then does not get out of bed at all!


- Son, happy holiday to you!
- Pa, don't think - maybe I'll get more ...


Returned host live broadcast of the popular radio station home.
Tired, barely dragging his legs ...
Wife in the hallway asks:
- What is it? Today you are earlier than usual ...
He sullenly replies:
- The songs are fucking over ...


- With what words does the blonde start intelligent speech?
- My friend said that ...


In the shop near the counter are father and son.
A son:
- Dad, how much juice should I take?
- Well, how do I know! You drink it ... I don't ask you how much I should take vodka ...


Once my wife decided to cheat her pubis - and the razor doesn’t take a hard curly hair ...
- Dear - something your razor does not shave ...
“And you do it like this,” says her husband and puffs out his cheeks.
- Then, dear, I will need your help.


From life.
Once on the 21st floor of a book (the building of the mayor’s office on Novy Arbat), a summit of Russian business leaders was held in Gusinsky’s office. At the meeting, I don’t know for what reason, an average banker was invited ...
Slightly late, he cheerfully asked at the reception:
- Oligarchs in the collection?
The secretary nodded and responded on duty.
- How to introduce you?
Guest thought for a moment:
- And I am their friend ... It turns out that oligofrend!


- The constellation "Big Dipper" want to rename the constellation "Big Bear".
- And why?!
- Just before the telescopes were not as powerful, not everything could be seen ...


“Have you seen a boy peeing here?”
- Not.
- show?


“Son, what are you going to watch on TV at half past twelve?”
- Yes, some kind of transmission about the life of animals.
- And what do they think there? Take the time to show children's programs! Well, look. What is the name?
- "Night Butterflies on Tverskaya".


Sir Henry Baskerville is having dinner. Hot food in a plate fills the room with the aroma of oriental spices ...
- What is it, Barrymore ?!
“One minute, sir, now I’ll find out from our new chef ... Kim, what is the name of this dish?”
Voice from the kitchen:
- Heh lamb in Korean, sir ...
Henry Baskerville surprised:
- Strange ... In our district for a long time, no one breeds sheep. And why is it so quiet today in the swamps?


Standard samples fill questionnaire.
Men's:
"Sergey. 23 years old, 230 bucks, 23 cm."
Women's:
"Hello! My name is Irina. I am fond of literature, Japanese culture, sushi, sashimi, Murakami, origami, tatami, salami, steppes, fields, ships and sums with three and four zeros ...".


Feast on February 23.
- Here you are Russian, right?
- Well ...
- Do you believe in Christ ?!
- Well, how can I tell you ... Well, maybe he was ... well, dick with him ...


From life.
I got sick. I went to the pharmacy, buy every chemistry. Standing in line.
Before me, some granny pills her bag in a bag and a girl of about 20 years old, plump and in big glasses. The girl pulls out a bill in the window and quietly says so:
- Two packs of condoms and a bottle of valerian, please ...
Granny immediately turns to the girl and says:
- Are you worried? In vain ...


On the Black Sea coast has opened the summer camp "Teen Wolf" for the children of law enforcement officers.
No time to get sick? It is "Bittner" that will help you find the time!
A married man is like a cat scientist: "Going to the left - the song starts, to the right, it tells a fairy tale."
The amount of unwashed dishes is a constant value limited by the height of the faucet.
Oh, how well celebrated on February 23, when you know that this is not your professional holiday!
A hangover happens only on an odd day of drinking.
A real Chinese must do three things - sneakers, jeans and a tape recorder.
All the armies of the world have a secret order: in the event of a war with China, take no prisoners.
The harsh truth of life: the son of Russian and Uzbek is a half-breed, the son of a Russian and a negro is a mulatto, the son of a Russian and a Jew ... is a Jew!


So that during your holiday, it would not occur to anyone that your work can be done without you, you need to supply everyone with as much vodka as you need before the end of the holiday.


- I saw you leaving the gay club yesterday ...
- I went out, but why are you left?


- Dad, and the gorilla will not jump out of the cage?
- Come on, honey, this is just a box office ...


- Waiter! Why is it called you beef broth? Where's the beef?
- As where?! She gave you this broth - and now it is grazed again ...


- Do you love me? Or is it just PR?


- Yes, I piss on your tests !!!
- Well, how many strips?


- Pavel Andreevich, and you whose spy?
- From just do not need anti-Semitism!


He wallows and reads a book, and she is a glossy magazine.
She is:
- But you never pour me a champagne bath!
He, thoughtfully looking up from the book:
- In the anus? CHAMPAGNE? !!


A husband comes home from the south and his wife suddenly notices that he has small horns on his head.
She is surprised to say to him:
- How so, dear, I swear to you that while you were resting, you never cheated! Where do the horns come from ?!
And her husband answers her:
- Do not worry - I know that it is not you ...


- Grandpa - and how many apples are there in "Beloved"?
- What do you think yourself ?!
- And I myself think about girls ... What are there apples ...


To the cinema:
“Young man, your fly is undone.”
- And how did you notice? It's dark.
- By smell!


A man can not live without a woman!
It is only the Decembrists in the morning Herzen woke up, and I have a different orientation ...


- Sasha, I brought you this rose! Sorry, the second one in the subway broke ...


- Children, have you read my new book?
- Yes!
- Did you like it?
- Yes!
- What is it about?
- Yes!
(Madonna’s dialogue with American children about the release of her new book - shown on TV).


- And my grandfather fought with the Germans!
- With the Germans ?! And mine is against ...


For a better assimilation of products, we in the family switched to separate meals ...
I eat in the morning, my wife at lunch, my mother-in-law in the evening!


What is a crowded bus?
This is when the lady in her purse mobile phone rings - and on the other end of the bus, people feel a vibrating alert.


- Meet the fast train from Berdyansk! Your train is delayed. You can still meet the passenger from Tula! People go there too. They will be pleased.


When boarding the passenger, the passenger refers to the stewardess:
- Where is your gag pack?
- We have not yet taken off, and you are already sick?
- And you look at my neighbor!


The village blacksmith told a new apprentice:
- Now I take out a horseshoe from the fire. Like a nod of your head - hit it with a hammer.
So the novice apprentice immediately became a blacksmith ...


... In connection with the increasing incidence of American missiles getting out of the mine, the Pentagon ordered the closure of all McDonalds outlets in the territory of American military bases.


- Luce, pour a hundred grams.
- In the morning on drunkenness pulled?
- What does it have to do with drunkenness - I need to drink a pill!


- The girl, and I have got two tickets to the concert SMASN !!
- wow! Lucky for you ... Two times you go.


- What is the maximum speed in gay sex?
- 68, since at 69 you are already turning over.


- He tried a woman only to thirty years.
- And before that - not once?
- Before that, there were only men.
- Is he blue?
- No, ogre.


- Fuck I will! Who I see! Sanya! What are the fates!
- Yes, you will be a whore, you will ...


- Give me two presevtiva.
- Why two?
- So we are two!


- What kind of noise, but no fight?
- Foreplay for now.


A maternity hospital, a joyful sunny morning, under the windows of a group of men with obligatory carnations in their hands. They breathe fresh air, wait for the young mothers to wake up, flush, someone already plays around with fresh beer. Nurse gives good, start screaming:
- Olenka, I love you!
- Masha, fool, show!
- Ira, boy or girl?
Suddenly a wild cry:
- Lyokha !!!
The men calm down and look at each other. It is a big guy in overalls and yelling:
- Lech! Ruberoid serve?


The beginning of the twentieth century. In the train, among other passengers, go a young Jew and a pretty Russian lady.
Lady:
- Jew, what time is it?
Jew zero attention ...
- Hey, Jew - deaf? I ask - what time is it!
The Jew silently pulls out a pocket watch with a lid - and, without opening, shows the lady.
- What are you, Jew - crazy? How can I see the time through the cap? !!
- And how did you see through my two pants that I was a Jew?


Lord sits in a chair and reads the newspaper.
At this moment, his wife wanted closeness and in every possible way tries to attract his attention to herself ...
She wore a transparent peignoir over beautiful underwear, walking, spinning around him, and he doesn't care - only the pages of the newspaper turn over.
She decided to undress, sat on the armrest and began to rub her chest with his chest - and he would at least have henna.
Then she does not stand up, snatches the newspaper from him, sits down on top of him and says with a groan:
- Ohh, darling !!! Rlease, fuсk me !!!!!
The Lord looks at her so thoughtfully, after which he shows her the middle finger and with gusto says so:
- Fuck you!


New condoms came out, called "Night Gap".
Robin Hood killed the rich and gave them to the poor ...
Belt of innocence. The rest is cleavage.
How many the girl nor feed, and it is necessary to solder.
The peculiarity of this summer season in Russia - women with a closed belly use the greatest interest among men and women.
In our free domestic hospitals, each patient can get the most expensive imported diseases for free.
The help of the psychoanalyst is, of course, good. But still swearing and talking vulgarity at every step is much cheaper.
Amnesty extended only to criminals.
Chips are the ability to sell one potato at the price of a kilogram.
Happiness is not when you have everything, but when you do not have something, and God forbid!
Kirkorov'e rabies ...
The world is arranged in such a way that for one person who uses the word "by no means" in his speech, there are nine who use "no dick."


Little Red Riding Hood also thought she was just walking, until Gray Wolf pulled her clothes off ...


- Man, and what is your profession?
- Florist.
- And what is the most pleasant thing about your work?
- Defloration.


An American is afraid to buy hacked Windows. He buys Windows for 300 bucks ...
Russian buys hacked Windows and is glad that he saved 300 bucks ...
Ukrainian buys hacked Windows - and it is surprised that you have to pay as much as 12 hryvnia for this glucodrome !!!


- Heard, the KVN team recently lost a great game at the races. Out of habit, they put it on a horse that laughs louder ...


We asked ten passersby:
- What is TCP / IP?
Nine out of ten replied that they did not know. And only one person immediately sent us to the dick.


A train. One of the fellow travelers tells about the impressions of the summer holiday:
- Yes, on the Black Sea it is good, there is still a tree there: you will throw it into the fire - the fragrance is wonderful, you just forgot the name, like the letter “x”!
Thought for a while:
- Remembered! The name of the tree is thuja!


- 95-60-90 - what is it like?
- This is when one leg is 5 cm longer than the other.
- A 60?


Sits viking in camp at the fire. Gently unravels mail from the gate to the navel. Stitches with thread. Saws off the edge of the shield and seals the cut with a bread crumb.
Surrounding look, but do not say anything. The man silently retires to the forest.
The next day, the neighbors talked about some kind of creeping thing who, with a roar, jumped into the clearing, bit off the edge of the shield and broke through mail on its chest ...


Housewarming. A joyful tenant shows guests flowers on the windowsill:
- This is a geranium, this is this, this is this, and this is a "money tree"!
After a short silence, he adds sadly:
- But it does not help ...


Dialogue in the gynecologist's office:
- Oh, doctor, I'm tickled.
- Sorry, please, thought!


Dialogue in the gynecologist's office:
- Doctor, what are you looking at me like? Have you found anything?
- Not understood. What have you lost there?


- I am Andrey Shevchenko, I love football. And now I want to turn to the Russian national team for something similar there.


- Hello how are you?
- Normally, I was fired from work.
- For what?
“Hell knows, I haven’t been there for half a year ...”


- Alla Borisovna, with whom would you like to sing this song as a duet?
- Yes, I have in mind one pidaras ... not Kirkorov.


Call to the cellular operator:
- Ale, girl - your company steals money!
- Tell me more about what happened.
- Last night I checked the balance, it was 10 bucks, turned off the phone, turn it on this morning - on account 0.
- Did you put the phone on overnight for recharging?
- Put ...
“So you got electricity debts off you.”


Everyone must have heard about charming Mary Popins ...
But almost nothing is known about her neighbors - Mary Sickins and Mary Piskins.


Ivan Tsarevich kissed a frog, and she turned into a beautiful prince.
Ivan was taken aback.
And the handsome prince comforts him:
- Do not worry, Ivanushka ... You will get your princess, if you kiss a toad in the point.


- Parallel lines do not intersect ... Proved by the grandfather ...
- Where did you carry your grandfather's cardiogram?


- Comrade Captain, how much will we start artillery preparation?
- At five thirty.
- Comrade Captain, I don’t like those two houses on the outskirts ...
- I said: at five thirty!


- I could surrender to him just like that, but then it will not be me, but why such acts of mercy?


- Dima, what have you got with Lenka?
- Yes, nothing, we are just friends.
- No, Dima - they don’t do that to friends ...


- At the table, loved ones, you are waiting for a miracle!
- What the hell are you cooked?
- Shut up and eat!


Monday. Valentine's Day.
Morning. Office.
On the schedule, the chef fell in love first, all at once, then each separately ...


From life.
Ah, women, ah, women ... Yes! They are!!! Today I heard on the street ...
Two girls of twenty are leading the way. One other says:
- He for me for the ten days of the New Year holidays spent my annual salary! And you also say that on the first day of dating you should not take it in your mouth ...


Pretty blonde reveals:
- Eh, but I don’t like to fuck at all - I don’t understand anything about this sex and I don’t get pleasure ...
- And how are you guys fucking ?!
- (sad and doomed) They don't fuck me. They masturbate me ...


If nine people out of ten you do well, and one person badly, then you fight against human rights.
If one person out of ten is doing well and nine people are not doing well, then you are fighting for human rights.
If you do not do well to any person out of ten, then you are fighting for universal equality.
And if you do not do badly to any person out of ten, then you are not fighting for anything, and therefore worthy of universal contempt!


The guy comes to the girl in a nightclub and offers:
- Listen, let's have sex?
She answers him:
- OK, but where will we go - to you or to me?
He looks at her with disdain and says:
- You know, you're so complicated ... Forget about it!


ICQ log.
02/25/2005 16:49:07, Svetik.
what the fuck do i need a phone for? nobody for the whole day called ...
02/25/2005 16:49:41, 0z.
what the fuck ... why do I need a member ... nobody sucked for a whole day ...
02.25.2005 16:49:53, Svetik.
Denis..!
02/25/2005 16:50:03, 0z.
=)) Want to call?
02/25/2005 16:50:13, Svetik.
fuck !!!


While salt and sugar are considered white death, cocaine can sleep well.
There are no "Jehovah's Witnesses" in Sicily ... Sicilians in general do not like any witnesses ...
When you have brains, that's good! And when they are not there, you don’t think about it.
Russia is a country of reasonable compromises, so in trains, as a rule, one car is soft, the other is warm, and the third is not noisy.
Lived were a mouse-noushka, a frog, a wrap, and a cassette with porn ...
Sometimes you need to know for sure - what kind of person is on the other side of the condom.
Collect 10 heads from dead dogs and get a trendy pentagram.
The desire to be the first to leave the traffic light in order to show everyone the ass is a clear sign of latent homosexuality.
The girls are different, the consequences are the same ...
In offices, the traveling secretary is now called a sex administrator.


Announcement.
Selling shell on Red Square. Perfect condition. Always clean passage, security. There is one drawback - inside the mummy.


- How can you breathe this air?
- And we do not delay.


- Dad, you promised to go to the zoo.
- Father promised - father went!


New count of Ukrainian passport:
- I will not steal: a lot, before lunch, on Fridays. (Underline whatever applicable).


- Girls, let's get acquainted!
- We are in a hurry.
- And we are fast!


- Dad, and I also want to become a scooper of closets!
- No, son, you need to study somewhere! Get a diploma, and then scoop as you want!


A man with premature ejaculation will get acquainted with a frigid woman, for a pleasant pastime.


At the banquet on the occasion of the City Day with Professor Mitrofanov, a considerable embarrassment came out. Because, having tried after a feast of a fair lady, he tried to kiss a pen, by chance she put two fingers into her mouth.


The girl after blowjob climbs kissing to the man. He is already tired of turning.
She tells him:
- You are a strange people, men ... In the wake of yourself, after others, they are not.


Moscow city tour - the best traffic jams in the capital!


The main mistake in canceling the distribution of benefits in kind was that the interests of hundreds of thousands of people who lived only on the fact that these benefits were naturally distributed were not taken into account.


- Dear! How do you Love Me????
- I? How from here to the moon !!!!
- And I, and I, and I ... as until the end of the BI + card !!!!
- What is it like?
- Yes, yes, the money will run out - and you can not even try to call !!!


- I vodka - with me on a holiday clearly!
- I am a salad - I am glad of your faces!
- I am moonshine - I'm going to overtake!
- I am a horilka - brains idiot!
- And I have hashish ... I forgot the words ...


- Why is garbage taken out of the city?
- So they are people too ...


From life.
I went to visit a friend. He asks: "You do not know where to buy a decent pornographic magazine? Otherwise, I have a son, fourteen years old, engaged in onanism, looking at contour maps. I feel sorry for him ...".


Pushkin says to Arina Rodionovna:
“Nanny, bring me some vodka.”
“Well, you drank it all yesterday.”
- Again you will tell me fairy tales!


The colleague of Schmitt, Ilya Aleksandrovich, was mistaken for an idiot by a narcologist.
And even put him in a lunatic asylum.
Guided by considerations of medical ethics, Ilya Alexandrovich did not dispute the mistaken diagnosis of his colleagues. He waited for everyone to go to bed, and he showed the difference between an idiot and a schizophrenic, a serial killer prone to homosexuality, to hapless Aesculapios.


A simple and affordable way to extend the girl’s thrill several times, even after the most incendiary sex, is to say a short
phrases: "He broke!".


- Well, wake up, hare ...
- No, I'm a fish today! I have no legs and I will not go to the kindergarten ...


- This mood disappears - can I kick your dog?


- ABOUT! How I dream to lean on a solid male shoulder!
- Yes! Well rely on solid ...


- Doctor, tell me - will I live?
- Yes, you will live.
- Hurray, I will live with the doctor !!!


"Your ad could be at this place."
Can you imagine what you did to the one that turned out to be in this place?


For the sake of experiment, genetic scientists have introduced sea turtle gene seals.
Now in the spring seals bury their eggs in the sand.


Chicken - Rooster:
- Tell me, are you a man or not?
- Man. Are there any doubts?
- Who knows, I have eggs!


The husband comes home and sees his wife with a lover. The wife was frightened, but the husband
He speaks:
- Oh, you bastard! He promised to be faithful, and you fucked with this whore! ..


Making love to a guy with a girl in a normal missionary position.
Girl know yourself is like a log. Well, the guy is, of course, break the inception head. He offers her:
- Let's at least change the position, or what?
And she - him:
- Yeah, right now! So that you could tell everyone later - that, they say, I had it both, and I had it! Do not be distracted!


Two gays are talking:
- You know, my dear, yesterday a huge sex maniac broke into my apartment - so I had to push him out of FIG!
- How could you push him if he was so huge?
- Well, how, how? Of course, pop-ass!


A woman walks along the seashore, thinking about what a bastard her ex-husband is.
Suddenly a golden fish appears in front of her:
“I will fulfill all three of your desires,” she says, “and completely free.” But bear in mind: whatever you get, your ex-husband will receive twice as much.
“First,” the woman says, “I want 10 million dollars.”
In her hand immediately lowered the check.
- Secondly, I want a villa by the sea.
Immediately before her villa, and in his hand - the keys.
“Your husband now has 20 million and two villas,” recalls the fish.
- So what is the last wish?
“You know,” the woman replies, “I always wanted to have a lover with a big dick ...”


From life.
That our people do not swear obscenities, but everyone speaks on them.
But after all, we and the West teach him.
The story according to an eyewitness ...
Germany, the highway, in one of the "pockets" is a truck with Russian numbers. The muzzle was shot up, drove — hands on elbows in fuel oil — something kolupaetsya in it ... Germany is a police country — of course, it was here that they drew themselves. Two cops, young and not so with experience.
Well, the one that is young, starts to load his partner - auto kaput, call the abs-sleeper (to drag the car into the workshop) ...
Then the one that is older, comes to the carrier, something fray with him, sits in his car and is going to leave. Young in confusion, looks at him with a dumb question.
Policeman with experience and says:
- He will get better and leave ...
Young to him, surprised:
- What are you, speak Russian?
Old:
- No, just drove said "garbage", but if he said "fucked up" - then you need to the studio ...


- Hula need, yopta?
- ???
- Hula silent, stsuko? Who is the elder demanded fucking?
- Oh, is it you - senior?
- No, fuck, I'm average!
- Why are you talking to me like that ?! I'm on you ...
- I'm on you! Dick I put on you, that's what. What is it talking like that? Do you want to know this?
- Yes!
- Cunt, fuck! Dog - dog death, yopt. As it should - just talk!
Any questions, or what?
- Yes there is! I have no connection here ...
- Blowjob fucking! Jerk off less on the phone is necessary! What have you got there?
- Well it...
- Hueto! Learn to talk, fuck! Ponadela, fuck, the Russian land, gave himself a doom. Call, say, you can not go anywhere?
- Well yes...
- Cunt! What for device?
- Well, this, motorola ...
- Throw fuck! Pontov - to prick, but there is no denik for a normal mabil!
Divorced, fuck, uebanov ... Cho on the display pishezzo?
- Well, it's the most, tim, like ...
- Fuck you up sob! Learn to talk, yeblan! I tried to turn off the device?
- Not.
- Oral! Restart the device and try again.
- Well, this is - I cho, like, every time I have to turn it on and off, so finally can ...
- Learn Albanian, gorilla! Chetai contract, paragraph takoti-sakoyta, abzdets right below and draw conclusions, yopt.
- Oh, thanks.
- Contact us, we were glad to help you ...