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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Little Johnny with her friend got a unit in biology.
Little Johnny:
- That fool is old! Let's hide around the corner and, when it passes, we suddenly jump out, I'll grab her skirt and you beat the balls ...

Call to helpline:
- Found the meaning of life - tell me what to do next: shoot yourself, drown or hang yourself?

Family quarrel:
- You are the first to start !!!
- Yes, because you first finished ...

- Gentlemen, my horse suffered!
- Well, now what, not an abortion is she doing ...

Did I set you free?
I killed the villain?
And now the beautiful girl ...
Push apart the buttocks.

- Hello! You are concerned about Mosgostrah ...
- Brain ... sorry who? !!

- And we got the theater tickets!
- In big?
- Do not worry - you will get!

From the diary of the commander of the partisan detachment:
“Weapons are sorely lacking. The squad is provided with only a third of the rifles. Today, replenishment is again: Sidorov, Bulybenko, and Holstein. Only one of the fighters reported that he has a round!”

- Father, do I live correctly?
- That's right, my son, but in vain.

Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop ... One says instructively:
- Life is crap, darling ...
The second, rolling his eyes:
- And this is great!

Little Johnny returns from school. His father asked him:
- Well, what did you do in the drawing class today?
- Drawn my mother.
- How, again ?! You are on the past and before last lessons mums drew?
- Well, I do not know - the teacher comes in and says: “Draw quickly, your mother!” ...

- Why did you love me?
- Because of the eyes!
- Did you immediately like my eyes?
- No, I just have bad eyesight ...

- Excuse me, girl, are you local?
- Local.
- And you do not tell me where the newcomer to fuck?

- Hello! The answering machine speaks to you. After the beep, please leave ... I CLEAR, FUCK !!!

My son is 3 years old; for the first time I went to the bathhouse with my father:
- Dad, what is your pussy big!
- Your words would be yes to my mother's mouth ...

Drop the bear on the floor.
Torn bear paw.
Bitten bear ear.
Sore bitch belly.
Dick stuck in the stomach.

In a five-star hotel in one western country, there are tables in different languages ​​at the entrance to the pool.
In English:
"Ladies and gentlemen! In accordance with the decree of the Ministry of Health of our republic, swimming in a public pool is allowed only in bathing caps. Violators are brought to administrative responsibility!"
In French:
"Madame and Monsieur! Tourists from all over the world live in our hotel. Respect the political and religious beliefs of others. In addition to bathing caps, you must also wear swimsuits!".
In Russian:
"Ladies and gentlemen! In the pool - do not piss!".

Earth, earth, turn to me in front, not America ...
The heart of a man consists of two ventricles: one for vodka, the other for a snack.
It is better to be a bad lover than a good impotent.
Bullet - a fool, a bayonet - a young man! (Suvorov).
If a woman believes that a man should ALWAYS have money - then she should NEVER have monthly.
The ability to fly on a broomstick is what distinguishes a wife from an ordinary woman.
Safe sex on the Internet is when you watch a porn site and the provider catches viruses.
Every Russian official knows: receiving a bribe threatens with a prison, and refusal
- execution.
America wages two wars - against terrorism and with obesity. Special luck - when fatal terrorists come across.
It doesn't matter that something goes wrong. Maybe it looks good ...
If you're tired of everything - try to entertain yourself with something else.

- Well, my beloved daughters, what do you bring from the seaside?
- Watch yourself don't bring anything, Dad!

- Why did you come to Sochi with your girlfriend, because this is like in Tula with your samovar!
- But I drink tea every day!

Head - subordinate:
- Why are you late for work by two hours?
- I am going on a tram, I look at the advertisement of the antenna "General ...", I read it and decided to return ...
- And why is there such a written, so as not to go to work? !!
- Your neighbor already has ...

A talking parrot was abducted from the apartment of a famous Moscow lawyer.
Unlucky thieves expect an unpleasant surprise - the parrot agrees to talk only in the presence of his lawyer.

A man wakes up in the morning. I touched the bed to my right - no one ... To the left - no one too .. He lifted the blanket over himself, looked in there and said: "Che are we standing? .. Who are we waiting for? ..."
The girlfriends met gossiping: - Girls, I learned such a new pose, you can rock. Rodeo is called. - What is it like? - You lay down the peasant on your back, sit down on top and say that you have cyphilis. Oh, babonki, the main thing to keep !!!
Friend to friend: - Faith. I go, I look at the expensive 100 bucks lies! I think, hurray ... found. Lean ... upss, I feel .... earned.
Not many people have fully realized that regrettable circumstance that if the word: POTENTIA read the other way around - it turns out "NO EGGS, OP!"
Bank robbery. An armed robber in a black mask breaks down: - Quickly all on the floor, the cashier to me. A cashier is running, with trembling hands she puts money in a bag. Robber: - No need for money. Unzips his fly: - Suck. The cashier begins to suck in good faith. The robber removes the mask and slyly: - And at home we can not, but at home we are disgusted.
Real sex is such sex, after which even the neighbors go out to smoke ...
The journalist finds out from the farmer what the cause of mad cow disease is. He stares at her and says: “Do you know that a bull jumps on a cow once a year?” - Suppose ... well, what does it have to do with it? “Do you know that we milk cows FOUR times a day?” - Valuable information, of course, but ... - Well, if I crushed your tits four times a day, and would you fuck once a year, would you not get mad ???
There are two friends. One says: - I want to buy a dog, the wife does not give .. Second: - Do you think the dog will give ???
The mechanic repairs the plumbing, the hostess asks herself: - How much? - 250. -And so? (throwing off the robe from the shoulder.) - 250. A woman takes off her bathrobe. - 250. Undress completely. - 250. Well, what to do, gives money. A man goes to a kiosk serves money asks for beer. The saleswoman is surprised: - For all 250 beers? - I didn’t want to stand for 15 minutes, let it piss off all night.
the husband after work is home, and his wife hangs himself from the threshold: - Vassenka !!! We are with you today, the anniversary of the wedding, let's go to a restaurant. - What are you doing, wife ?! Where do we get money from? - Over the years I have saved up a little ... - So I have nothing to go about. - I took you a tuxedo from Petka-neighbor, send Vasya! They come to the restaurant, and there the doorman asks Vasya from the doorway: - Is the table as usual in the right corner for two and a candle? Vasya: - Shhh ... I'm with my wife today! The headwaiter asks Vasya: - Vasya, as always, let's start with champagne? Vasya: - Shhh ... I'm with my wife today! At the end of the strip strip number, the stripper looks straight at Vasya and asks: - And who will pull the last bikini string? !! The whole hall together: - Vasya, Vasya !!! His wife rolls Vasya a terrible scandal and runs out of the restaurant, catches a taxi, Vasya manages to get into the car and his wife nags Vasya all the way back. Here the taxi driver does not stand up and turning says: “Well, today you took the bitch, Vasya !!!”
A young couple comes into the porch: - Vasya, hug me. - Okay (hugged). - Vasya, kiss me. - Ok (kissed). - Vasya, unscrew the light bulb. - All right (unscrewed). - Vasya, do you want to take it in your mouth? - What are you doing? She's hot.
Sex should be treated with humor! I didn’t get up - baiinki also giggled
The man had 3 daughters. Here he gave each one a bow and arrow. Where the arrow will fall there and the husband must be sought. The eldest daughter fired and hit the bank. Went out for a banker. The average in a steep wheelbarrow hit. Went out for a merchant. The youngest fell into the swamp. Comes sees a frog sitting with an arrow, I had to take it home and carry it. Brought home, well, going with the forces to kiss. Kissed, she quickly in the bath to wash. The frog comes anyway. Again, I plucked up courage, kissed again. Sama again in the bath. It turns out, the frog sees sprawled on the bed and scratching the eggs, brazenly says: - It would be necessary to suck, beautiful, very enchanted me.
A man comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, it seems to me that there are only idiots around me ... - An interesting case ... - says the announcer and takes out a book, opens a picture of a flying school of ducks - What can you say looking at this picture ? - asks the doctor. - Fagots! - Why? - Well, fly, look at each other in the ass .... fag! - Well, what can you say looking at this ...? - says the doctor turning over the picture, where men fishing and sit vodka. - Fagots! - Why? - Well, why? In nature, without women, right now, get drunk and start pestering each other! fag! The doctor closes the book and says: - And what can you say looking at me? - Pidoras! - Well, why should I? - Why do you need such a book?
The lecturer draws a graph on the blackboard and, stammering a little, says: “Now this is m-we are now shading and shading ... A good student decided to help: - ... hu @ m. Silence ... Lecturer, straightening his tie: - Well, who than, and I chalk! There is a divorce process. The judge turns to his wife: - Why did you decide to divorce her husband? Wife: - And he, like a man, does not satisfy me! Female voice from the audience: - Everyone is satisfied, but she is not! Male voice from the audience: - And nobody satisfies her !!!
Pharmacy. Turn. A young man flies in. - Girl, I have condoms! - There is a turn. - I urgently! - you wrap or pull?
Examiner and student. - Do you know? - I know. - What do you know? - I know the subject. - Which subject? - Which I hand over. - And what do you take? - Well, it you carp!
The American programmers for a very long time could not understand why their Russian colleagues when Windows were hanging all the time repeating the phrase "Your Bunny Wrote) (for example: the English version follows to read quickly).
Lullaby Sleeping dead fox Sleeping stranded bird sleeping, Decapitated hamster Look like a limp. Drowned in a fetid slush, Sleep in a mouse aquarium. And on the dried floor Rybki sleep in a corner in a pile. Embryos sleep in a test tube, Pharaohs sleep in a museum, And in a cozy mausoleum Lenin sleeps blissfully sleeping. The watchman sleeps with a knife in his back, The firemen sleep in the fire, And, pinned down by a log, The builder sleeps in a dead sleep. Making a mistake only once, Sappers are sleeping at this hour. Without taking a parachute, Sleeping a paratrooper on the rocks. Gas forgetting to close, neighbors, Sleeping in the pile on the floor. Sleep on the web flies Sleep, and then I'll kill a pillow.
Granny coughed on the bus. - Be healthy!!! - Yes, I did not sneeze at all, but coughed. - Yes, for me though x * em choked! A pioneer must be polite.
- Hello, the police ?! - Yes! - Hurry, come, I am raped! - Where? - already in the ass !!! - Yes, we do not care, come where?
Female friendship: My wife does not come home for the night, said in the morning that she had spent the night with a friend. Husband phoned 10 best friends - they all said that she did not sleep.
Male friendship: The husband does not come home for the night, said in the morning that he had spent the night with a friend. The wife calls 10 friends of her husband. 5 said that he spent the night with him, 5 more said that he still has them ....
I came somehow new Russian to buy a car. He enters the car dealership, the seller comes up to him and asks if he can help him with something. - Need a car, bro. - Here you are, a new model - Ford Focus. - What about the trick? - And you sit down, I will show. The seller accelerates to 200 km / h and flies directly to the tree: - See - says, - the tree? - Well, I see. - Close your eyes, we will pass through it now. - Yah? - and closes his eyes. The seller calmly travels around the tree and says that everything is said to be, that’s the trick. New Russian, terribly surprised by the wonders of technology, of course, the "Focus" takes. He comes home, puts all his friends, his family ... in short, he scored a wheelbarrow to the full and says: “I will show you the focus. It accelerates to 200 km / h, finds a hefty tree on the side of the road, says that all eyes are closed. And from all over the flies enters into this tree ... the car shatters, all crippled, he barely alive gets out and shouts: - Fuck your mother, who opened his eyes?
- Doctor, for some reason I have a red member ... - Yes? Remembers someone ..
At a literature lesson, Marivanovna asks the children: - Children, tell Krylov's fable * The swan, cancer and pike *. Masha, let's tell. - Once the SWAN CANCER PIKE. - Masha, what are you talking about vulgarity? Sit down, two. Petenka, come on, tell me. - Once the SWAN PICK CANCER. - Petenka, what vulgarity are you talking about? Sit down, two. Little Johnny, your turn. - Once a swan, cancer and pike ... - Well done Vovochka, a good start. Go on. - ... YOU DECIDED * BAT ELEPHANT !!!!!
There are two men, one asks the other: - What will you do if you find out that the "end of the world" will come tomorrow? - Yes, I just start to fuck everything that moves !!! What are you going to do? - I will try not to move!
Mom teaches a 16-year-old daughter how to avoid rape: - Well, imagine, you walk along a dark street, nobody is around, and a peasant sneaks some suspicious man. Your actions? - Matter of course, I will run up to him, take off his pants, and I’ll pick my skirt myself. - Are you crazy? - Mom, and you think, who runs faster, is he with his pants down, or am I with a skirt pulled up?
Gene something with a clever look tells Cheburashka. Then he pauses and nervously: - Cheburashka, can you hear me? - Bl *, Gena, look at me !? Of course I hear you!
High School. At the lesson of mathematics, the teacher comes from the most terrible baudun ... - Children ... what did we do in the last lesson? - Geometric progression, Mary Ivanovna. - Well, and tell us, Ivanova, what is this geometric progression? - Geometric progression is ... when each next member is more than the previous member! - Failing to their girlish fantasies ... Yves-ano-va ... !!!
In the men's company, everyone drinks, has fun, only one is sad: - Lyokha, are you sad? - My wife found AIDS .... Yes, I joked, men. Why are you all so pale ?!
Fuck two in the car. Suitable traffic cop. Looks - a girl that is necessary ... - Oh, man, I'm next! “Well, okay,” he grins, “I haven't fought off the cops for a long time ...”
England. English family is drinking tea. The chapter reads a newspaper article: "Last night a platoon of soldiers raped a nurse at a hospital in the outskirts of Dublin." Mom (with horror): - Oh, a platoon of soldiers ... Daughter (dreamily): - Ah! Platoon soldiers! Maid (dismissive): - Ha, a platoon of soldiers.
Telephone conversation: - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Will you come? - I will come. - Will you? - Dame. And who is it?
There are two friends. One says: - My wife got me, she wants me all the time. - Yeah ... I understand. And for each time you take money from it: in the kitchen 5, in the hallway 10, in the bath 15 and in the bed $ 20. Desire otbёt immediately. The husband comes home, "pleased" his spouse. She gives him 20, he goes to the bedroom ... - Where are you going? This is 2 times in the kitchen and 1 in the hallway!
He brought the guy to his girlfriend. They drank, danced, went to bed. The guy put her on his back, and himself on top. Fucks her for half an hour, an hour, two, three ... Then she gets up from her and says: - Well, that's it. Now you will not see me for a long time. The girl is upset: - Is it time for me to leave? - No, roll over.
There are two friends. One another says: - Good member ... Oh, no - a fat day ... In short, yesterday it was!
Early in the morning, the enraged father comes into the house and says: “Some n * dor stole our cow.” The eldest son: - Since p * dor, it means short. Medium: - Well, if you are short, it means from Robin. | Junior: - Well, then this is Vasya. Come on, stuffed his face - and he is in denial. One more time for prophylaxis - I didn't take it anyway. They took him - and to the judge. So and so, they say, the father says: - I wake up in the morning and there is no cow, I tell my sons that some n * dor has stolen. The elder one says - once n * dor, it means short stature, medium - if small, it means from Robin, and the younger one means Vasya. Nabili face - does not give ... Judge: - Yes, guys, the logic of course you have iron, but this is not proof. What, for example, is in my box? Father: - The box is square. Senior: - So, there is something round in it. Medium: - Once round, it means orange. Junior: - So, orange. The judge slowly looks in the box and says: - Yes, Vasya, you have to give the cow ...
- A seven-year-old boy persuades a 4-year-old little brother: - Hey, bro, you and I are already big, it's time for us to start swearing. - It's time - the baby agrees. “So this is the plan,” says the elder. “Tomorrow morning we go out for breakfast, I say“ bl * ”, and you are“ ass ”. And follow the reaction of parents. No sooner said than done. The next morning, they sit in the kitchen, my mother turns to the eldest son: - What should you put in for breakfast? - I would, bl *, pancakes, - he briskly replies. HARRY! - Mom with all the dope weighs him upside the head and the boy in tears runs away from the kitchen, holding his head. - Well, what about you? - with a threat in his voice asked the mother of the younger. - Yes, I really do not know, - the child timidly answers, - but only in the ass such pancakes!
Atheism lesson. The teacher says: - Children, there is no God! Here you, Masha, see God? - Not. - So, there is no God! Here one little boy from the last desk pulls a hand. Teacher: - What do you want? - May I ask Masha a question? - Come on. - Masha, do you see brains at the teacher? - Not. - And this means that the teacher does not have them!
A Zaporozhets stopped at a traffic light, a jeep stops nearby, and a beautiful girl sits behind the wheel. A man from Zaporozhets: - Do what kind of jeep you pump! The answer from the jeep: - Right now I'll call the guys, you will suck on my helicopter!
- Dad! We at school taught what is “practically” and what is “theoretically”, I misunderstood something. Dad: - It's very simple, ask your older sister if she agrees to sleep with her neighbor for a hundred thousand dollars? Sister, having thought that one hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money, and once it is not terrible, she answered - Yes. Dad: - Now ask your mom the same thing, but for two hundred thousand. Mom, having presented a new apartment, a car and ... still remain, answered - Yes. Dad: - So, son - theoretically we have three hundred thousand dollars, and practically - two prostitutes !!!
A man came home in the morning. Drunk. Immediately fell asleep. My wife found the prezik in his pocket the next morning. Terribly angry, and shoved this prezik sleeping in the ass. A week has passed. A guy all week: from work home, helping his wife, a sofa, a TV, a newspaper. Wife: - You do not go with friends, do not you drink beer? Husband: - ... They are not friends with me anymore.
XVIII century. Pushkin and his best friend Pushchino gathered at the ball. Pushin received an invitation card, but for some reason they did not give Pushkin. He complains to a friend, they say, help me out, it's a shame that I won't get to the ball, there are so many beauties, drinks, etc. Pushin offers: - Let me open the window in the toilet, and when you start the ball, you will climb through it. Ball. Pushchin opens a window in the closet and goes with a sense of accomplishment, to frame the girls. She invites the young lady to dance, and the girl sees that he has ... atas! unbuttoned fly! She thinks how to tell him more and says: - Uh ... you have ... the window is open. To which he replies: - Oh, do not worry, I opened it myself. Now my curly friend will come out of it and I will introduce you.
- Did you feed the cat? - No, he's full. - Well, piss, feed.
Some university. Faculty of Philology. Group, where all the girls, and only one guy. And this same guy after the 3rd year comes to the dean's office to pick up the documents. Everything is in shock: the student is a round student, talent and all that ... Dean for him: - What is it that you are, what happened? - Yes, understand, circumstances ... - I understand, with whom there is no - family, yes? Yes, you are not in a hurry, we will find you a part-time job in the department - you are such an capable student, the pride of the faculty! - No, not family ... You see - in our group, except for me, some girls ... - What, what conflicts - not? Come on, can we somehow sort things out, help, only don't leave the institute! - No, what are you, what conflicts, girls are normal ... Yes, and I'm more and more studying busy. Only ... When in the first year they, without noticing me, discussed critical days and intimate details, I was quite humorous with this. When in the second year they corrected stockings with me and tried on bras - I also had nothing against it. But when in the third year I dreamed that I was walking through the city, and my arrow on the pantyhose went, I understood: it’s time to fade from here.
Something happened to mom get pregnant (by chance). The son comes up to her and says: - Ma, and what is STE with your belly ??? (cleverly squinting eyes) - So I, my son, drank five liters of milk ... - Oh, ma, can you still ??? There was nothing to do to a poor woman — she drank. My son comes up to her and the cam on the belly - knock-knock-knock! - Well, what, bastard, choked !! ???
Rain on the street. - Well, what shall we do in such weather? “I have an idea,” she says. - Get a coin, and we will play in the shouting or daring. If a shout falls out, we will do what I want, and if the dash is what you want. Begin to drop a coin, and in the meantime I prepare the bed ...
The veterinarian is the only doctor who can diagnose without asking questions. It should be addressed if you are tired like a dog, hungry like a wolf and work hard like a horse: in a word, if you are a student.
The policeman stood on the table, screwed in a light bulb. Wife: - Would you even spread a newspaper. - Oh, nothing, I'll get it anyway.
A boat was being ferried across the river, in which there were three policemen. The boat rolled over and sank. How many policemen drowned? Six. Three, when the boat sank, and three during the investigative experiment.
- Open the door! Police! - And you already have nothing to open? Well, brought the country!
Buha new Russian collapses in a brothel. - I would have to ... - We will do everything - the administrator answers - Everything will be on the highest level. Only need to first deposit money. Tax - 500 dollars. HP pulls out his eyes: - What are you, ofigel, in kind? !! Your dachshund let Bobby fucks!
Russian, American and Frenchman talk with a hangover, who has a hangover steeper: American: -I, for example, my hands are shaking so much that when I write in the toilet I can not get !!! Frenchman: -And I can't even get into the bath !!!! Russian: -And I, men, while ssu, I have time to finish twice !!!!!!!
-Daddy, daddy, buy me sandals. -Ha, sandals, you have not blown the skates!
Vasya, you have a persecution craze! ??? - you pursues megalomania.
Something happened to mom get pregnant (by chance). The son comes up to her and says: - Ma, and what is STE with your belly ??? (cleverly squinting eyes) - So I, my son, drank five liters of milk ... - Oh, ma, can you still ??? There was nothing to do to a poor woman — she drank. My son comes up to her and the cam on the belly - knock-knock-knock! - Well, what, bastard, choked !! ???
Rain on the street. - Well, what shall we do in such weather? “I have an idea,” she says. - Get a coin, and we will play in the shouting or daring. If a shout falls out, we will do what I want, and if the dash is what you want. Begin to drop a coin, and in the meantime I prepare the bed ...
The veterinarian is the only doctor who can diagnose without asking questions. It should be addressed if you are tired like a dog, hungry like a wolf and work hard like a horse: in a word, if you are a student.
Little girl decided to score on the lessons of the Russian language. So he asks at school: - Marivanna, what is the correct way to write “according to x * d”: together or separately? That, of course, in a cry: - Until the end of the year that I did not see you! Little Johnny and glad. Only in the middle of the year a new Russian teacher, a Jew, Isaac Abramovich, appears in the classroom. He calls Vovochka home and invites you to a lesson. Little Johnny decided in class to repeat the chip: - Isaac Abramovich, and how to write “in x * d”: together or separately? - Young man, if you mean my attitude to you, then it’s all together, but if the depth of the great Jewish Jordan River, then separately.
- Vasily Ivanovich, can you drink a liter? - Can. - And two? - Can. - A bucket? - No, Petka, I can not. But Vladimir Ilyich - he can do anything!
Chapaev and Petka were sent on a business trip. Upon their return, they are required to report. “We drank,” says Vasily Ivanovich. “No, this will not work,” they say to him, “in the report you should write something serious, for example, reading literature.” Chapaev writes: “We bought a book with Petka, read it, then handed over the cover and bought another one, read it. Then we went to the library, and Furmanov, all that well-read, came out of it ...”
Chapaev makes Anke operation of appendicitis. Petka assists. - The scalpel! Alcohol! Clamp! Alcohol! Tampon! Alcohol! Alcohol! Alcohol! Cucumber!
As usual - 2 new Russians. Gathered to hunt deer. They are thrown into the helicopter by helicopter and the helicopter operator warns: "Only, men, do not bring down more than 2 deer - the helicopter is small, we will not raise more than two." They agree and the helicopter flies away. Arrives in the evening, looking and Russian 4 deer laid. The helicopter pilot begins to be indignant, they say, he warned, after all, not to throw more than two, we will not take off ... The Russians say: "Come on, there, we will pay you normally, last year it was also - everything is fine, it has managed." Paid - helicopter agreed. Naturally, in flight the helicopter does not stand up and crashes. One half-dead Russian says to another: "Hey, Kolyan, but they fell at exactly the same place as last year ..."
The chef of the company, in utter bewilderment, talked to himself: "These soldiers have a strange taste: on Monday they like beans, on Tuesday they like beans, on Wednesday they like beans, and suddenly they refuse them on Thursday" .
Stopping the private soldier who did not give him the honor, the officer said: - Listen, private! Do not you see what kind of form on me? The soldier examined the officer from head to toe and replied: - You are lucky, sir! And now look what they gave me.
In the morning the sergeant reported to the company commander that Private Foster died in the hospital. - It was a real net! - said the commander - All the same, he managed to get out of the course of basic training.
A boy comes up to dad and asks: - Dad, are we Russians or Jews? - Why do you need to know this? - Yes, we have in the yard a boy sells a cool bike. So I think I bargain and buy or sleep? No? S and break?
She told a colleague at work. Somehow her friend was returning from a grand drinking party about the three hundred years of Russian glass. At first there were some guides, then they disappeared, then her consciousness disappeared ... She said the end. She awoke in an unfamiliar apartment, in bed with an unfamiliar man, and both awoke both at the same time. Eyes bulging, she asked him: - And who are you ?! The answer was convincing: - Where am I?
- How do gophers breed?
- I am not an expert in this field!
- And in what area are you a specialist?
- In Kaluga!

I bet seven to one on the fact that for the next game in the Russian football team there will be a new coach and a new team. And it is better to have a new football federation. And, it is scary to say, but maybe it would be worth updating the higher Federation? ..
My friend the pathologist works. The man is so unsociable, taciturn, unsmiling. Even with his eyes he does: MORG, MORG ...
Mother - teacher:
- You do not think that my girl has a lot of original ideas?
- Yes, yes, especially in spelling ...
I was at the tax office and thought: “But after all, all such inveterate preferenceists are working there.”
Every time you come to them with an unknowing miserable, and they bang and how they will get you a six and they will assure you that it can be done that way.
In short, it turns out that it is better to immediately take a bribe so that the locomotive is not crammed ..
- Honey, what would you take as a souvenir for you to come back?
- In the mouth, dear ...
The guy decided to pin up his girlfriend and says:
- Oksan, why are your legs so crooked?
She is to him (sarcastically):
- And so that people like you do not rub their ears!

Two friends:
- Yesterday I spent my business trip ... He's riding in a compartment with some kind of scary aunt!
- Well then, you have nothing to worry about ...
- Do not say - he has a lot of vodka with him ...
- Why are there no giraffes in Estonia?
- Did not reach ...
- Why are you crying so bitterly, daughter?
- My husband is cheating on me!
- But when does he cheat on you, if he never leaves the house?
- It is me, a dog, with a computer changes! He has so many women there!
- How many different buttons on your stereo!
- Do you find? In my opinion, with snakes would be very defiant!
My friend graduated from university, started making money, and immediately made a discovery that he could start making money five years ago!
- Girl, want to sleep with me?
- How could you ?! How did you just come to mind? No, really - how did you guess?
The goalkeeper deftly took possession of the ball. The ball will have to be replaced.
In the Russian Army, a new elite type of troops.
They run faster and hide better than anyone.
They are deserters!
A new article has appeared in the criminal code for committing lewd acts: “fraud”.
- What is "small is small less"?
- Winners of the circumcision contest.
Computer esoteric: before the processor burns down, all the operations that it has ever performed rush into its memory.
At night...
- Honey, take off the ring!
- Honey, this is a watch ...
There are no words in Chinese: then, I have a headache, come on tomorrow.
Call to the State Drug Control Service (former Tax Police):
- You know, I have not paid taxes on two lemons bucks. I hid in the taiga for 2 years, but I was tortured by conscience. What should I do?
- Well ... we are no longer engaged in taxes ... and you buy for the full amount of drugs and we are leaving for you!
- Evil forces have captured Pepsi ...
- And ours are not fools - captured vodka!
- You are having fun here - and my parrot is dead.
- Che - is it real or something ???
- No, fuck ... With special effects!
- Chef on the spot?
- Yes.
- Read the documents?
- Not.
- And when can read?
- When the eyes are restored after the procedure ...
- Something dripped?
- No, flooded.
There was a man. And the peasant had a beast - a cow, in a sense. Every morning, a peasant went out into the yard with pitchforks, aimed one of them at the cow, said "Ba-ba-a-ah!" and then began to throw them at the stern. And he lived next door to another man - a neighbor, in a sense. Every morning he watched from the window for the strange manipulations of the first man. And once decided uchudit bad thing. He came out early in the morning, hid in the bushes near the fence and waited. And he holds a carbine in his hands (he was a noble Voroshilovsky rifleman in his youth). It turns out, then, the first man, aims again at the cow. Then a neighbor from the bushes - clap! Directly to the cow in the forehead. Well, ladybug, of course, hooves to the side, and the owner scratches her head and shouts in the direction of the hut:
- Ha-ala! Galya! ..
- Shaw?
- Chew well! Have you CHARGED your pitchfork today?
The young officer gets to serve on a warship, which immediately goes on a long march. “Comrade captain of the first rank, I didn’t have time to stay with the girl, but there is such a long trip - he complains to the commander.“ Nothing, lieutenant, we have a cook for these purposes. ”“ How can you - the lieutenant is outraged - he is a man "" Well, you do not want what you want, but if anything, I will help. "Three months pass. The lieutenant approaches the commander:
“Comrade captain of the first rank, you said something about Coca ...” “Michman!” He calls, “bring the coca to the lieutenant’s cabin and do not forget to take three more.” “Why do the three?” Confuses the lieutenant, “can we be alone with one another?” "You're not going to cope with him alone, son. You must first knock him down and press him to the bed."
A man comes to the surgeon. He asks:
- What happened to you?
- Why, the right egg turned black ...
- Oh, this is your gangrene ... Let’s guide you to an amputation ...
Amputated the right egg.
After a while, the man comes again:
- You know, the left egg turned black ...
- This is your gangrene again ... We will direct you to an amputation ...
Amputated the left egg.
After a while, the man comes again:
- You know, dick turned black ...
- Clearly, gangrene ... Tomorrow we have amputated ... A very upset man left the doctor. Walking through the city, towards the gypsy.
- Why so sad? The man told everything. Gypsy:
- Let me take you to one healer ... A man agreed. Came to the healer.
She looked at everything carefully and said:
- It's okay ... It is your swimming trunks molt ...