This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Vovochka and her friend received a unit in biology.
"You stupid old fool!" Let's hide behind the corner, and when she goes through, suddenly jump out, I'll stop her skirt and you kick the balls ...

Call the helpline:
- Found the meaning of life - tell me what to do next: shoot yourself, drown or hang yourself?

Family quarrel:
- You're the first to start !!!
- Yes, because you were the first to finish ...

"Gentlemen, my horse has suffered!"
- Well, what now, do not have an abortion ...

I freed you?
Have I ruined the villain?
And now the beauty is a damsel ...
Sliding your buttocks.

- Hello! You are concerned about Mosgostrakh ...
- Brain ... sorry, who? !!

- And we got tickets to the theater!
- In big?
- Do not worry - you get in!

From the diary of the commander of the partisan detachment:
"The weapons are sorely lacking: the rifles are provided only by a third with rifles, today they are replenished: Sidorov, Bulybenko and Holstein." Only one of the soldiers reported that he has a cut-off! ".

- Father, but I live right?
"That's right, my son, but in vain."

Sit two flies on a turd ... One says instructive:
- Life is shit, darling ...
The second, rolling his eyes:
- And it's wonderful!

Vovochka comes back from school. His father asks:
- Well, what did you do at the drawing class today?
- Drawing Mom.
"How, again?" Did you draw on the past and before last?
- Well, I do not know - the teacher comes in and says: "Draw fast, fuck you!" ...

"Why did you fall in love with me?"
"Because of the eyes!"
"Did you immediately like my eyes?"
- No, I just have a bad vision ...

- Excuse me, girl, are you local?
- Local.
- And you do not tell me where to come to fuck?

- Hello! The answering machine speaks to you. After the sound signal, please leave ... ME IN LAW, FUCKING !!!

Son 3 years old, first came to the bath with his father:
"Daddy, how big your pussy is!"
- Your words and mother in your mouth ...

They dropped the bear on the floor.
Tore teddy bear paw.
They bit off the ear.
Straighten the suck belly.
The dick was stuck in the stomach.

In a five-star hotel in one western country, at the entrance to the pool hang tables in different languages.
In English:
"Ladies and gentlemen, according to the decision of the Ministry of Health of our republic, swimming in the public pool is allowed only in bathing hats." Violators are brought to administrative responsibility! ".
In French:
"Madame and Monsieur, tourists from all over the world reside in our hotel, respect the political and religious beliefs of others." In addition to bathing caps, it is necessary to wear swimsuits! ".
In Russian:
"Ladies and gentlemen, in the pool - do not piss!".

Earth, earth, turn to me ahead, not America ...
The heart of a man consists of two ventricles: one for vodka, the other for snacks.
Better to be a bad lover than a good impotent.
Bullet - in a fool, a bayonet - in a young man! (Suvorov).
If a woman believes that a man should always have money - then she should NEVER be monthly.
The ability to fly on a broom is what distinguishes a wife from an ordinary woman.
Safe sex on the Internet - this is when you watch pornographic sites, and viruses are caught by the provider.
Every Russian official knows that getting a bribe threatens to jail, and a refusal
- Firing.
America is waging two wars - terrorism and obesity. Special luck is when fatty terrorists come across.
It does not matter that something is going wrong. Maybe it looks good ...
If you are tired of everything - try to entertain yourself with something else.

- Well, my daughters, what can you bring from the seaside?
"Do not bring yourself anything, Papa!"

- Why did you come to Sochi with your girlfriend, because it's like in Tula with your samovar!
"But I drink tea every day!"

Head - to the subordinate:
"Why are you two hours late for work?"
- Food in the tram, I see - advertising antennas "General ...", read and decided to return ...
- And what is it written there so as not to go to work? !!
"Your neighbor is already standing ..."

From the apartment of a famous Moscow lawyer, a talking parrot is kidnapped.
Unsuccessful thieves expect an unpleasant surprise - the parrot agrees to talk only in the presence of his lawyer.

A man wakes up in the morning. He touched the bed to his right - no one ... Left - also no one .. Raised the blanket above him, looked in there and said: "Che standing? .. Who are we waiting for ...?"
There were girlfriends gossiping: - Girls, I learned this new pose, sway. The rodeo is called. - What is it like? - Lay down the peasant on his back, sit down from above and say that you have Syphilis. Oh, butterflies, MAIN HOLD!
Girl friend: - Faith. I'm going, I'm looking at an expensive 100 bucks! I think, hooray ... found. I lean ... ups, I feel .... earned.
Not many people realized until the end of the regrettable circumstance that if the word: POTENCY read the opposite - it turns out "NO YA, OP!"
Bank robbery. The armed robber rushes in with a black mask: - Quickly all on the floor, the cashier to me. Running cashier, trembling hands puts money in a bag. The robber: - Money is not necessary. Unbuttoning his pants: - Suck. Cashier begins to conscientiously suck. The robber removes the mask and maliciously: "But we can not at home, but at home it's disgusting."
Real sex is such sex, after which even neighbors quit smoking ...
The journalist finds out from the farmer what the cause of mad cow disease is. He stares at her and says: - Do you know that the bull jumps on the cow once a year? "Suppose ... well, what does this have to do with it?" - Do you know that we milk cows FOUR times a day? "Valuable information, of course, but ..." "Well, if I crumpled your tits four times a day, and fucked once a year, would not you get mad?"
There are two friends. One says: - I want to buy a dog, my wife does not give me. Second: - Do you think the dog will give you ???
The locksmith is repairing the water supply, the landlady is asking all of himself: - How much? - 250.-And so? (Throwing off her robe from her shoulder.) - 250. The woman takes off her robe. - 250. Undressed completely. - 250. Well, what to do, gives money. A man goes to a kiosk to give money asks for a beer. The saleswoman is surprised: - For all 250 beers? - I did not want to stand for 15 minutes, let him all night piss.
the husband after work home, and his wife hangs from his neck: "Vassenka !!! We have a wedding anniversary with you today, let's go to a restaurant. "What are you doing, wife?" Where did we get the money? "I've saved up a bit over the years ..." "So there's nothing for me to go." - I took you a tuxedo from Petka-neighbor, go Vasya! They come to the restaurant, and there from the doorway the doorman asks Vasya: - Is the table as always in the right corner for two and a candle? Vasya: - Shhh ... I'm with my wife today! The maitre d'affaires asks Vasya: - Vasya, how do we always start with champagne? Vasya: - Shhh ... I'm with my wife today! At the end of the room with a striptease, the stripper looks at Vassia directly and asks: - And who pulls the last shoe on a bikini? !! The whole hall is amicably: - Vasya, Vasya !!! Wife rolls Vasya terrible scandal and runs out of the restaurant, catches a taxi, Vasya manages to jump into the car and the whole way back wife saws Vasya. Then the taxi driver does not stand up and turns around and says: - Well, you took off the bitch today, Vasya!
A young couple enters the entrance: - Vasya, embrace me. - All right (hugged). "Vasya, give me a kiss." - All right (kissed). - Vasya, unscrew the light bulb. - All right (unscrewed). "Vasya, do you want to take it in your mouth?" - What do you mean? She's hot.
You should treat sex with humor! I did not get up - I giggled and bainki!
There was a peasant's 3 daughters. Here he gave each of the bow and arrow. Where the arrow will go and there's a husband to look for. The elder daughter shot and got into the bank. I went for a banker. Average in a steep wheelbarrow hit. I went for a merchant. The younger one got into the swamp. Comes the frog sees sitting with an arrow, had to take and carry home. Brought home, well, and going to the force to kiss. Kissed, she quickly washed into the tub. The frog comes anyway. She again got courage, kissed me again. Itself again in the bath. It turns out that the frog falls apart on the bed and scratches the eggs, insolently says: "I'd have to suck, beautiful, very enchanted me."
The guy comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, it seems to me that around me some fagots ... - An interesting case ... - says the announcer and gets a book, opens a picture with a picture of a flying jamb of ducks - What can you say looking at this picture ? the doctor asks. "The fagots!" - Why? - Well, they fly, they look at each other in the ass .... piedos! - Well, what can you say looking at this ...? - says the doctor leafing through the picture, where the men are fishing and scooping vodka. "The fagots!" - Why? - Well, why! In nature, without women, right now they'll get drunk and start pestering each other! fagots! The doctor closes the book and says: - And what can you say looking at me? "Pidoras!" - Well, why am I? "Why do you need such a book?"
The lecturer draws a graph on the blackboard and, stuttering slightly, says: "But this is m-we are now shtri-zashtri ... The kind student decided to help: - ... hu @ m. Silence ... Lecturer, adjusting his tie: - Well, who is what, and I am chalk! There is a divorce proceedings. The judge turns to his wife: - Why did you decide to divorce your husband? Wife: - And he does not satisfy me like a man! A woman's voice from the audience: - Satisfies everyone, but she does not! A man's voice from the audience: - And nobody satisfies her !!!
Pharmacy. Queue. A young man flies in. - Girl, I have condoms! - There's a line. - I need it urgently! - Do you wrap or pull?
Examiner and student. - You know? - I know. - What do you know? "I know the subject." - Which subject? "Which I take." - And what do you give up? - Well, you're finding fault!
American programmers for a long time could not understand how much their Pyccian colleagues, while hanging Windows, are repeating the phrase "Your Bunny Wrote" (example: English version should be read faster).
Lullaby Sleeps a slaughtered chanterelle Sleeps a strangled bird, Headless hamster Look at how soft it is. Drowning in a fetid liquid, Sleep in an aquarium mouse. And on the dried-up floor, Fishes are sleeping in a corner with a handful. The embryos sleep in a test tube, Pharaohs sleep in a museum, And in a cozy mausoleum Lenin sleeps, blissfully blushing. The watchman sleeps with a knife in the back, Firemen are asleep in the fire, And, crushed by a log, The builder sleeps a dead dream. Once mistaken once, Sappers are asleep at this hour. Do not take the parachute with you, The paratrooper is sleeping on the rocks. Gas forgot to close, neighbors, Sleep in the kitchen on the floor. The webs of Snit sleep doze in the web, and then I will beat the pillow.
Grandmother coughed in the bus. - Be healthy!!! - Yes, I did not sneeze, but coughed. "Yes, for me though I choked on it!" A pioneer must be polite.
- Hello, the police ?! - Yes! "Come quickly, they rape me!" - Where? - Already in the ass! - Yes, we do not care, COME TO WHERE?
Female friendship: My wife does not come home to spend the night, she said that she spent the night with a friend. The husband called the top 10 friends - all said that she did not spend the night
Male friendship: The husband does not come home to spend the night, in the morning he said that he spent the night with a friend. The wife calls up 10 friends of her husband. 5 said that he spent the night with him, another 5 said that he still has them ....
Once a new Russian came to buy a car. Comes into the auto show, the seller comes up to him and asks if he can help him. "We need a wheelbarrow, bro." - Here, please, a new model - Ford Focus. - And che for focus? - And you sit down, I will show. The seller accelerates to 200 km / h and flies directly to the tree: - See - says - the tree? - Well, I see. "Close your eyes, we'll pass through it now." - Yah? - and closes his eyes. The seller walks around the tree and says that all the pier, that's the trick. A new Russian, terribly surprised by the wonders of technology, of course, "Focus" takes. He comes home, puts all friends, family ... shorter than the wheelbarrow and says: "I'll show you the trick." Accelerates to 200 km / h, finds a hefty tree on the side of the road, says that all eyes are closed. And from all over the house he drives into this tree ... the car is smashed, all mutilated, barely gets out and screams: - Eb your mother, who opened his eyes?
- Doctor, I somehow have a red member ... - Yes? Someone remembers ..
Maryvanovna at the literature class asks the children: - Children, tell Krylov's fable * Swan, cancer and pike *. Masha, let's talk. - Once SWAN WITH CANCER. "Mashenka, what vulgarity are you talking about?" Sit down, two. Petenka, let's tell you. - One day the swine swine cancer. "Petenka, what vulgarities are you talking about?" Sit down, two. Vovochka, it's your turn. - Once a swan, a cancer and a pike ... - Well done Vovochka, a good start. Go on. - ... YOU DECIDED YOU * BE THE ELEPHANT !!!!!
There are two men, one asks: - What will you do if you find out that tomorrow will come "the end of the world"? - Yes, I'll just start fucking everything that moves !!! What are you going to do? "I'll try not to move!"
Mom teaches a 16-year-old daughter how to avoid rape: - Well, imagine, you're walking along a dark street, around no one, and a peasant suspicious steals. Your actions? "Of course, I'll run up to him, I'll take off his pants, and I'll stop the skirt myself." - Are you foolish? - Mom, and you think, who runs faster, he with the lowered trousers or I with the folded skirt?
Gena tells something about Cheburashka with an intelligent look. Then he stops and nervously: "Cheburashka, can you hear me?" - Bl, Gena, you look at me !? Of course, I can hear you!
Secondary school. On the lesson of mathematics, the teacher comes from the most exalted hangout ... - Children ... that we passed in the last lesson? - Geometric progression, Marya Ivanovna. "Well, and tell us, Ivanov, what is this geometric progression?" - A geometric progression is ... when every next member is larger than the previous one in two times! - Os-ta-vv his maiden fantasies ... Iva-aano-in ... !!!
In the men's company they all drink, have fun, only one sad: - Lech, you are sad Th? - My wife discovered AIDS .... Yes, I joked, guys. Why are you so pale?
Fuck two in the car. Approaches traffic cop. Looks - the girl that is necessary ... - Oh, man, I'm next! - All right, - he grins, - for a long time I did not cut cops ...
England. The English family is drinking tea. The head reads a note in the newspaper: "Last night in the vicinity of Dublin a nurse of one of the hospitals raped a squad of soldiers." Mom (with horror): - Oh, a platoon of soldiers ... Daughter (dreamily): - Ah! A platoon of soldiers! The maid (disparagingly): - Ha, a platoon of soldiers.
Telephone conversation: - Hello. - Hello. - Hi. - Hi. - Will you come? - I will come. - Will you? - Ladies. And who is it?
There are two friends. One says: "My wife got me, she wants all the time." "Yeah ... I understand." And you for every time take money from it: in the kitchen 5, in the hallway 10, in the bath 15 and in the bed 20 cu Desire will take away immediately. Her husband comes home, "happy" his wife. She gives him 20, he goes to the bedroom ... - Where are you going? This is for 2 times in the kitchen and 1 in the hallway!
I brought a guy to his girlfriend. Drank, danced, went to bed. The guy put it on his back, and himself on top. Fuck her half an hour, an hour, two, three ... Then he gets up from her and says: - Well, everything. Now you will not see me for a long time. The girl is disappointed: - It is time for me to leave? - No, turn around.
There are two friends. One other says: - A good member ... Oh, no - a thick day ... In short, yesterday it was!
Early in the morning, the razzy father goes into the house and says: "A cow has stolen some of our cow." The eldest son: - Time n * dor, means small growth. Medium: - Well, if small, it means from Malinovka. | | Junior: - Well, then it's Vasya. Let's go, stuff our faces - and he's in rejection. Another time for prevention - still did not take. They took him - and to the judge. So and so, they say, the father says: "I wake up in the morning and there is no cow, I tell my sons that some prince has stolen." The senior says - once n * dor, then small growth, medium - if small, then from Malinovka, and younger - means Vasya. Nabili muzzle - does not give ... Judge: - Yes, muzhiks, your logic is certainly iron, but this is not evidence. Is that what I have in this box, for example? Father: - The box is square. Senior: - So there is something round in it. Medium: - Once round, means orange. Junior: - So, an orange. The judge slowly peers into the box and says: "Yes, Vasya, you'll have to give the cow ..."
- Seven-year-old boy rebukes the 4-year old brother: - Hey, bro, we're already big, it's time for us to start to swear. "It's time," the baby agrees. "So this is the plan," says the elder. "Tomorrow morning we go out for breakfast, I say" bl * "and you're" asshole. " And we follow the reaction of the parents. No sooner said than done. The next morning they sit in the kitchen, my mother turns to her eldest son: "What should I put for breakfast?" - I would, bl *, pancakes, - he responds briskly. HURRY! - Mom with all the dope weighs him on the back of the head and the boy in tears escapes from the kitchen, holding his head. - Well, what do you want? - Mom junior with threat in voice. - Yes, I really do not know, - the kid shyly answers, - but only in the ass such pancakes!
A lesson of atheism. The teacher says: - Children, there is no God! Here you are, Masha, do you see God? - No. "Then there is no God!" Then one little boy from the last desk draws his hand. The teacher: - What do you want? - Can I ask Masha a question? - Come on. - Masha, do you see the teacher's brains? - No. - And this means that the teacher does not have them!
The Zaporozhye stopped at a traffic light, a jeep stopped by, a beautiful girl sitting behind the wheel. A guy from a Zaporozhye: - U, on what jeep pump! Answer from the jeep: - Right now I'll call the guys, you'll pump me on a helicopter!
- Dad! We at school taught what is "practically" and what is "theoretically", I misunderstood something. Papa: - It's very simple, ask your elder sister if she agrees to spend one hundred thousand dollars with her neighbor? Sister, after thinking that one hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money, and once not scary, answered - Yes. Papa: - Now ask your mother the same thing, but for two hundred thousand. Mom, having presented a new apartment, a car and ... still will, answered - Yes. Dad: - So, my son - theoretically we have three hundred thousand dollars, and practically - two prostitutes !!!
The man came home in the morning. Drunk. Immediately I fell asleep. His wife found a used prezik in his pocket the next morning. I was terribly angry, and I crammed this prezik into the ass. A week has passed. A man all week: from work home, his wife helps, sofa, TV, newspaper. Wife: - You do not go out with friends, do not you drink beer? Husband: - ... They are not my friends anymore.
XVIII century. Pushkin and his best friend Pushchin gathered for the ball. Pushchin received an invitation card, but Pushkin was not given a reason. He complains to a friend, they say, help out, it's a pity that I will not get to the ball, there are so many beauties, drinks, etc. Pushchin suggests: - Let me open the window in the toilet, and when you start the ball, you'll climb through it. Ball. Pushchin opens the window in the toilet and goes with a sense of accomplishment, cadre girls. Invites the young lady to dance, and the girl sees that he has ... atas! unzipped his fly! She thinks how to tell him this more carefully and says: "Uh ... you ... the window is open." To which he replies: - Oh, do not worry, I discovered it myself. Now my curly friend will get out of it and I'll introduce you.
"Did you feed the cat?" - No, he's full. - Well, how to eat, feed it.
Some kind of university. Faculty of Philology. A group where all the girls are, and only one guy. And this same guy after the 3rd year comes to the dean's office to take the documents. All in shock: the student - a round high achiever, talent and all that ... Dean to him: - What are you, what happened? - Yes, you see, the circumstances ... - I understand, with whom does not happen - the family, right? Yes, you are not in a hurry, we will find you a part-time job at the department - you are such a capable student, the pride of the faculty! - No, not the family ... You see - in our group, except for me, some girls ... - What conflicts are not? Let's, we can somehow figure it out, help, just do not give up the institute! - No, what are you, what kind of conflicts, girls are normal ... Yes, and I'm more and more engaged in learning. Only ... When in the first year they, not noticing me were discussing critical days and intimate details - I treated this quite with humor. When in the second year they corrected my stockings and tried on bra for me - I did not have anything against it either. But when in the third year I dreamed that I was walking around the city, and I had an arrow on pantyhose, I realized: it's time to get out of here.
It happened somehow to mother to become pregnant (casually). The son approaches her and says: - Ma, and what STE you have with your stomach ?? (cunningly screwing up his eyes) - So I, my son, drank five liters of milk ... - Oh, ma, and can you still ??? Nothing to do was a poor woman - drank. Sonny comes to her and a fist on the belly - tuk-tuk-tuk! - Well, Gadenish, drowned !! ???
On the street rain. - Well, what are we going to do in this weather? "I have an idea," she says. - Get the coin, and we play in the hole or the rush. If the orel drops out, we'll do what I want, and if the hearth - whatever you want. Start brosat coin, and I'm temporem prepare a bed ...
A veterinarian is the only doctor who can diagnose without asking questions. It should be addressed if you are tired like a dog, hungry like a wolf and work like a horse: in a word, if you are a student.
The policeman got up on the table, screwed the light bulb. Wife: - You would at least a newspaper podstelil. "Oh, nothing, I'll get it."
A boat crossed the river, in which were three policemen. The boat turned over and drowned. How many drowned policemen? Six. Three when the boat drowned, and three during the investigative experiment.
- Open the door! The police! - And you already have nothing to open? Well, drove the country!
Bukhoy the new Russian is falling into a brothel. - To me of that ... - All we will make - the administrator answers - Everything will be on the highest level. Just need to make money first. Dachshund - 500 dollars. HP's eyes bulge: - You Th, ofigel, in kind? !! Your dachshund, let Bobik fuck!
A Russian, an American and a Frenchman talk with a hangover, who has a stupid bodoon: American: -I, for example, my hands are shaking so badly that when I piss in the toilet I can not get !!! Frenchman: -And I can not even get into the bath !!!! Russian: -And I, guys, until the sue, I finish two times !!!!!!!
-Papochka, daddy, buy me sandalaki. -Ha, sandaliki, you still did not take off skates!
Vasya, you have a mania of persecution! ???? - You are haunted by megalomania.
It happened somehow to mother to become pregnant (casually). The son approaches her and says: - Ma, and what STE you have with your stomach ?? (cunningly screwing up his eyes) - So I, my son, drank five liters of milk ... - Oh, ma, and can you still ??? Nothing to do was a poor woman - drank. Sonny comes to her and a fist on the belly - tuk-tuk-tuk! - Well, Gadenish, drowned !! ???
On the street rain. - Well, what are we going to do in this weather? "I have an idea," she says. - Get the coin, and we play in the hole or the rush. If the orel drops out, we'll do what I want, and if the hearth - whatever you want. Start brosat coin, and I'm temporem prepare a bed ...
A veterinarian is the only doctor who can diagnose without asking questions. It should be addressed if you are tired like a dog, hungry like a wolf and work like a horse: in a word, if you are a student.
The youngster decided to score for Russian lessons. So he asks in school: - Marivanna, but how correctly "on x * d" to write: merged or separately? That, of course, in a cry: - Until the end of the year so I did not see you! Vovochka and glad. Only in the middle of the year a new Russian teacher, the Jew Isaak Abramovich, appears in the classroom. He calls Vovochka home and invites to the lesson. Vovochka decides at the lesson to repeat the chip: - Isaak Abramovich, but how correctly "on x * y" to write: together or separately? "A young man, if you mean my relation to you, it is merged, but if the depth of the great Jewish river Jordan is separate."
"Vasily Ivanovich, can you drink a liter?" - I can. "And two?" - I can. "And the bucket?" "No, Petka, I can not." But Vladimir Ilyich - he can do anything!
Chapaev with Petka was sent on a business trip. Upon their return they need a report. "We drank," Vasily Ivanovich says. "No, it's not going to work," they tell him. "In the report, you have to write something serious, like reading literature." Chapaev writes: "We bought a book with Petka, read it, then handed over the cover and bought another, read it." Then they went to the library, and Furmanov left it, all so well-read ... "
Chapaev makes Anke an operation of appendicitis. Petya is assisting. "A scalpel!" Alcohol! Clamp! Alcohol! Tampon! Alcohol! Alcohol! Alcohol! Cucumber!
As usual - 2 new Russians. We gathered to hunt deer. They are tossed to the place with a helicopter and the helicopter warns: "Only, guys, more than 2 deer do not fall - the helicopter is small, we will not raise more than two." Those agree and the helicopter flies. Flies in the evening, watching and the Russian 4 deer laid. The helicopter begins to resent, they say, warned, because, more than two do not bring down, we will not take off ... The Russians say: "Come on, Che there, we'll pay you normal, last year also it was - everything is fine, it turned out." They paid for it - the helicopter agreed. Naturally, in flight, the helicopter can not stand and breaks. One half-dead Russian says to another: "Hey, Kolyan, but you fell exactly in the same place where last year ..."
The mouthy cook was talking to himself in complete perplexity: "The strange taste of these soldiers: on Monday they like beans, on Tuesday they like beans, on Wednesday they like beans, and suddenly for no reason on Thursday they refuse them" .
Stopping the soldier, who did not give him the honor, the officer said: "Listen, private! Do not you see what form I'm wearing? The soldier examined the officer from head to foot and answered: "You're lucky, sir!" Now look what you gave me.
In the morning the sergeant reported to the commanding officer that Private Foster had died in the hospital. - It was a real net! - said the commander - Vsetaki, he managed to get away from the course of initial training.
The boy approaches the pope and asks: "Dad, are we Russians or Jews?" "Why do you need to know?" - Yes, in our yard a bicycle boy buys a classy bicycle. So I'm thinking of bargaining and buying or sleeping?
I told my colleague about work. Somehow her friend returned with a grandiose booze party about the 300th anniversary of the Russian glass. At first there were some guides, then disappeared, then her mind disappeared ... She ended the ending in this way. I woke up in an unfamiliar apartment, in bed with an unfamiliar man, and both woke up simultaneously. She opened her eyes and asked: "Who are you?" The answer was convincing: "Where am I?"
- How do gophers multiply?
- I'm not an expert in this field!
- And in which area are you an expert?
- In the Kaluga!

I put seven to one on the fact that the next game in the Russian football team will be a new coach and a new team. And it's better to have a new football federation. And, scary to say, but maybe it would be worthwhile to update the higher Federation? ..
My friend the pathologist works. A man so unsociable, taciturn, unsmiling. Even with his eyes he does: SIDS, SIDS ...
Mother - teacher:
- Do not you think that my girlfriend has a lot of original ideas?
- Yes, yes, especially in spelling ...
Was in the tax and thought: "But there are all such avid preferenceists working."
Every time you come to them with an unprinted miser, and they bang and how you get a six and moreover they will assure you that it is possible.
In short, and it turns out that it is better to immediately bribe a bribe, so that the engine is not pushed ..
"Darling, what would you have to remember, so you can come back?"
"In the mouth, dear ..."
The guy decided to pin up his girl and said:
"Oksan, why are your legs so crooked?"
She to him (maliciously so):
- And that such as you do not rub your ears!

Two friends:
- Yesterday I took me on a business trip ... He is traveling in a compartment with some terrible aunt!
"Well, then you do not have to worry about ..."
"Do not tell me - he's got a lot of vodka with him ..."
- Why is there no giraffes in Estonia?
- They did not ...
"Why are you crying so hard, daughter?"
"My husband is cheating on me!"
- Yes, when does he change you, if he never leaves the house ?!
"He's cheating on me, my dog, with a computer!" He has so many women there!
- How many different buttons on your stereo installation!
- You find? In my opinion, with snakes it would be very provocative!
My friend graduated from the university, started making money and immediately made a discovery that he could start making money five years ago!
"Girl, would you like to sleep with me?"
"How could you?" How did you just think of that ?! No, really - how did you guess?
Goalkeeper deftly seized the ball. The ball will have to be replaced.
In the Russian Army a new elite type of troops appeared.
They run faster than anyone and hide better than anyone.
They are deserters!
In the criminal code there was a new article for committing depraved actions: "fraud".
- What is "small small less"?
- The winners of the contest for circumcision.
Computer esoterics: before the processor burns, all the operations that it has ever done go through his memory.
At night...
"Darling, take off your ring!"
- Honey, this is a clock ...
In Chinese, there are no words: then, my head hurts, let's go tomorrow.
Call to the Gosnarkokontrol service (former Tax Police):
- You know, I have not paid taxes for two lemon bucks. I was hiding in the taiga for 2 years, but my conscience tortured me. What should I do?
- Well ... we do not deal with taxes anymore ... but you buy for the whole amount of drugs and we leave for you!
- Evil forces captured Pepsi ...
"And our fools did not take vodka!"
- You are having fun here - and my parrot has died.
- Che - really, or what ??
- No, fuck ... With spetsefektami!
"Is the chief in position?"
- Yes.
- Have you read the documents?
- No.
"And when can he read it?"
- When the eyes are restored after the procedure ...
- Something dripped?
- No, he did.
Once upon a time there was a man. And the muzhik had a cattle - a cow, in the sense. Every morning the peasant went out into the courtyard with pitchforks, aimed them to the cow, and said "Ba-ba-ah-ah!" and then they began to throw a stern at her. And there lived next door another peasant - a neighbor, in the sense. Every morning he watched from the window behind the strange manipulations of the first muzhik. And once I decided to find a bad thing. He left early in the morning, hid in the bushes near the fence and waited. And he holds a carbine in his hand (he was in the youth a noble Voroshilov shooter). It turns out, then, the first man, aims again at the cow. Then a neighbor from the bushes - bang! Straight to the cowboy on the forehead. Well, the cow, of course, hoofs aside, but its owner scratches in the back of the head and screams in the direction of the hut:
- Ha-ala! Galya! ..
"Chew well! .. Did you fork today CHARGED?"
A young officer comes to serve on a warship, which immediately goes on a long march. "Comrade captain of the first rank, I did not manage to stay with the girl for a long time," he complains to the commander. "It's all right, Lieutenant, we have a cook for these purposes." "How can you - the lieutenant is indignant - he's a man . "" Well, you do not want what you want, but if anything, I'll help. "Three months pass." The lieutenant approaches the commander:
"Comrade captain of the first rank, you said something at the expense of the coca ..." "The midshipman!" - he calls out - bring the coca into the lieutenant's cabin and do not forget to take three more. " "Why three?" - confused lieutenant - and can not we with coca one on one? " "You alone can not cope with it, son." He must first be knocked down and pressed to the bed. "
The man comes to the surgeon. He asks:
- What happened to you?
- Yes, here, the right egg has turned black ...
"Oh, it's your gangrene ... Let's send for an amputation ..."
The right egg was amputated.
After a while the man comes again:
- You know, the left egg turned black ...
"This is gangrene again ... Let's send for an amputation ..."
Left egg was amputated.
After a while the man comes again:
"You know, the dick turned black ..."
- Clearly, gangrene ... Tomorrow amputate ... The man is very upset left the doctor. Going around the city, towards the gypsy.
- Why so sad? The man told everything. Gypsy:
"Let me take you to a sorceress ..." The man agreed. Have come to the sorceress.
She looked at everything and said:
"It's okay ... It's your trunks that moult ..."