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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

A drunk pilot sits down in the cockpit of the plane following the flight Kiev-Moscow.
He looks - and the co-pilot is in the same condition.
- Bastard! We have agreed! Today I drink ... How could you get so drunk in the morning ?!
In response, silence.
- Okay! We'll fly that far! But who will drive in Moscow? !!

One guy was caught for speeding. The policeman fined him for a tidy sum and issued a receipt to the peasant.
"Is your receipt for me?" the wicked man asks.
"Save it," the policeman answers. - When you collect such receipts 12 pieces - you get a bike!

- What is the difference between an airplane and a toilet?
- On the plane they sit down to fly, and fly to the toilet to sit down.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Computer emergency room. Departure - $ 20, departure - by agreement.

Sochi. A man, standing in a car by the window, says goodbye to a girl ...
The train starts and finally the man joyfully shouts to the girl:
"And the bucks are false!"
She answered him:
- But the gonorrhea is real, dear ...

In 2004, 80 times more funds were spent on breast and Viagra plastic surgery than on studies of Alzheimer's disease ...
If the trend continues, then in 30 years everything in the world will be with huge boobs and iron erection - but they will not be able to remember why they need it all.

In the old days, when the invaders were stormed by the city, they killed men and raped women ...
That's why proud, but life-loving Scots began to wear skirts!

- Katya, did you have a designer in your childhood?
- No, I liked the sailors of long voyages ...

"Honey, you'll soon be a dad!"
"Ah ... and I wanted an astronaut ..."

Very expensive and stylish restaurant. The visitor calls the waiter, he comes up - so elegant, warning ...
- This your sturgeon is completely inedible ... Take it and shove your chef in the ass!
- The client's desire is the law for us! But I can not fulfill your request ... Unfortunately, the Peking duck, the lobsters and the Fantasy cake are already stuffed ...

- Well, sit down ... Problem, right? Which one? The girl quit? Gygygy - loh ... oops, I'm sorry ... No, nothing. It's me ... So what did I say? Jonah? Bugagaga - kill yourself! No, I'm joking. Yes, hammer, nah she surrendered to you ... Aah, you love! Huyase.
Then yes - a problem, a big one, bottles for two vodka, gyyg ... Seriously, taking a bubble, you open it, it's a squelch and there is not. Not suitable? First love? Oh, fuck, well done ... Keep, cherish, remember, well, and fuck off, for order, gyg. I've been at your age ...
- Daddy, fuck! Can you be serious ?!

From life.
Odessa, around eight in the morning, my brother and I are waiting for our parents ...
We see this picture - there is a girl, a blonde with long legs and a professional morning tiredness on her face ... The girl smokes a cigarette and listens to a peasant, a fifty-year-old animal.
He is running around it, telling something, waving his arms. Communicates, in short ...
And across the road is my aunt and shortsightedly squinting towards this pair ...
I've forgotten my glasses at home ...
And then she screams:
"Vasya, is that you?"
Disgracingly so shouts ... The muzhik does not pay attention and further has conversation.
- Vasya, this tyyyyy ?!
The peasant waved and continues his.
- Vasya, come here!
A man turns around and screams - like, schaz all I'll throw!
- Vasya!!!
A man puts money on a girl, slaps her on the ass and walks across Napoleon's path.
- Vasya, who was that ?!
- Like who?! Completely blind ?! It's the guy from my garage !!!
I admit, I did not hear excuses ...

It happens that confidence in the morrow is more likely to upset than please.
I think - it's time to rethink the word BACK ...
If the dog looks at you with hungry eyes, there are two ways this
fix: feed and cruel.
Is it worth to trust "Oksana Pushkina's view", if Oksana herself has minus three?
Vegetarianism is a system of views on meat, in which it is impossible to eat meat, but you can be out of meat.
If God wanted to see us as vegetarians, he would certainly supply us with horns, tail and hoofs.
Is self-esteem an erection?
If you forgot to pay - it does not matter! The trouble, if caught ...
Who found a friend - he found a treasure, and whoever found the treasure - he is not looking for a friend anymore!
A woman almost entirely consists of places called obscene words ...
If the liver has declared itself - strike her back!
Make a fool dick suck - so she pokes her lip ...

In the X-ray room:
"Sick, stop it!" Now the skeleton of a bird will fly out!

- Tea with lemon - good! Cognac with lemon - excellent! But this GALA with a lemon causes something in me heartburn!

"This man greeted you so cordially, he said that his doors are always open to you!" And you are so impolite in silence! Who was that?
"The head of our city prison!"

The girl calls the beauty salon:
- Excuse me, but photoepilation is like?
- In Photoshop ...

- Why is it necessary to cover the head with a cap in the synagogue?
"Out of a sense of justice." Because the Jew still remains uncovered.

- While I'm in Sochi humpbacked, my wife has already changed me five times. The total score is 5: 2.
- Well, she's at home, and you're on a visit.

The guy is calling the girl:
- Do you like more bananas or peaches?
- Are you in the vegetable market?
- No, in the pharmacy. I choose condoms!

- I recently bought myself a dress. Well, the tunic is on top of me. And yesterday tried on - presses.
- Maybe your tunics have grown?

The guy with the player is standing at the stop - with headphones, which are inserted into the ears, and the post goes to the jacket. There are two grandmothers nearby. One other seriously states:
- I do not understand what is happening in the world. Recently on the street I see so many young people with hearing aids!

In the physics lesson, the teacher tells the students:
- According to Newton's third law, every action causes opposition! Who does not understand?
- When we give money to traffic cops, why do not they resist?

"Mom, buy a dog!"
- No!
"Please, buy it!"
"I told you, no!" Sell ​​it to someone else!

The President of Belarus, Lukashenko, watched with a sinking heart - he remembered well how Kuchma's victory for Eurovision ended ...

The famous singer Christina Orabkaite started serious problems with
memory: on one of the last high-society parties she gave herself to an unknown man, taking him for one of the last husbands ...

- And they took us to work for drug addicts!
- Well, how are they ?!
- Yes, they do, sit - they work ...

Talk in the student hostel of an art university.
Students are going to practice:
"Did he take the easel?"
- I took it.
- Brushes picked it up?
- I took it.
"Did you take the paint?"
- I took it.
"Did you take the palette?"
- Yes, I thought a little will be, took two ...

Winnie the Pooh and Piglet came to visit the Rabbit ...
At first they behaved like pigs, and then - like rabbits.

- After the game immediately to me!
- And the grandmother against will not be?
- Grandma will not be against. But you'd better come with a girl.

"Well, did you see his diary?"
- Saw!
- So what?
- I'll fuck your ass !!
- Maybe it's just a debility nedobskom call?
- No, it's not pedagogical!

- Natasha, I have a question for you in connection with the elections.
- Come on.
- What kind of beer should you take: dark or light?

"My mother forbade me to go camping with other people's men." And she went herself.

"What's that black eye?"
- I had a fight with my beloved woman.
- Wow! And with whom?
- With my wife ...

- I was very ugly at school. Teachers even drank before the lesson.

"Do not try to imagine an n-dimensional cube." Nobody could imagine yet, but many people moved to the madhouse. "

- Guys, I just do not understand one thing. Who won the Crimean War: the Russians or the Turks?
- Ukrainians won, Lesh!
- Why Ukrainians ?!
- Who the Crimea - he won!

- I would like to buy a book ...
- What content?
- For the sick ...
"So, maybe the Bible?"
"No, he's not sick to that extent!"

- And I have a girl - a teacher of primary school.
- So what?
- And here's what: "Dear, when you kiss a tongue do not smack, take off your clothes neatly, do not be hunch in bed." All, thank you, sit down, four ... ".

"I found a coin yesterday in bed." It's nice - someone wants to return!

St. Petersburg, the celebration of his glorious 300th anniversary.
Two teenage girls (aged 15-16) come to the subway car, dressed in some kind of ditch, behave very freely. They squat down on the floor, their backs are leaning against the wall. Some grandfather approaches and approaches them.
shame: "As you girls are not ashamed, there are so many foreign guests in the city now that they will think about us!" etc.
In his long monologue, the girls do not react at all, only they look at each other until one of them asks the other in pure German: "What does this person want from us?".

According to the Belarusian media, the preparation of his wife for the contest
Eurovision-2005 sausage king of Russia Nikolai Agurbash spent about 1 million US dollars ...
Never before the expression "Lemon bucks in a pussy !!!" did not have such a real embodiment!

Boxing match. One boxer brutally beats the other. He just decides how much halva ...
The second is waiting for a break. He sits down, he cuts his swollen eyelids, so that at least he sees something, put a freeze - well, in short, the usual picture ...
The next round is the same. Well, in short, so there are five rounds. After the fifth, the battered man does not see anything at all - he can not find his corner.
Somehow finds, sits down and says to the coach:
- Hear - you though there look, that me the judge did not piss ...

The heart not only prompts, it knocks.
The most valuable quality of a football player is the one he holds with his hands when he stands in the wall.
The more you give to work, the more you get back.
Idleness is the highest form of freedom manifestation ...
Antivirus is a big virus that does not like competition.
Wrote a virus - did not let those who wrote antiviruses die of hunger.
It is very unpleasant to get out of the milk river to the kissel shore.
A real blonde thinks about the place you think about!
The Russian dream is to retire and continue to work for a long time!
Well, what kind of people do we have? Neither build communism, nor restore capitalism!
A hired worker is one who is constantly being hired.
I do not like my son-in-law-fuck your daughter yourself!

"Kolya, are you seeing me?"
- Of course! A glance!

- What is your vision?
- Minus five.
"It's cold, probably?"

"Senya, do you really love me?"
- Really, Vasya. And what embarrasses you?
- Yes, somehow not in a comradely way!

- It's strange. It is written: "Antiques", and you have products here!
"Have you seen the date of their validity?"

Found a boy, brought up stalactites - he slowly grows on the ceiling and drips on all.

One evening, walkers came to Lenin. But they were not allowed to go to Il'ich. The mausoleum worked only until lunch.

- Literally everyone in this life I am indebted to advertising!
- Why?
- And I was conceived in a commercial break.

- The school of the future Minister of Education was often beaten.
"Now he's grown up and taking revenge on the school!"

"Private Ivanov, cover me!"
"I can not, Comrade Captain!"
- What the hell? Why?
- But how?! You are 60th in size, but I have 48.

"Do you have a Coke recipe?"
- Yes, you Th, it is sold without a prescription ...

- Yesterday we played the game "rip out the eye".
- So how is it?
- Draw, 2: 2.

- Congratulations! You just won a million dollars in our lottery!
Your family will receive each year for a dollar for a million years.

I sell the Russifier for the Baltics in excellent condition, caliber 7.62, with a tripod ...

When Dal needed new words, he came to the village, broke 2-3 bottles of vodka before the eyes of the peasants, and then stood and wrote down ...

- I can not give you a vacation for five days - then I will be forced to give such a vacation to everyone who has a fucking birthday!

In the shop:
- Forgive me, you did not return the change!
"Forgive me!"

- The famous sportsman gave her a yacht. Leading the First Channel took her to the Bahamas, a famous businessman bought her a "Porsche". Meet - Xenia Obshchak!

- And you were silent ?!
"And you did not ask ?!"

- Do not wake the beast in me, the rabbit will wake up - fuck!

- Under the New Year people bought the most necessary things: tangerines, champagne, "YUKOS"!

"I'll tear my mouth!" Morgans I'll poke!
- No, tell me exactly: are you a dentist or an oculist?

"Show the tongue."
- Ah.
- Yes, not that. I'm a shoemaker, not a doctor.

"So then, I'm doing Tibe to Tibet, and you're doing it cleanly ?!"

A girl tells a friend:
"You know, I have an exam tomorrow, so you scold me ... okay?"
- Good...
The next day he resorts:
- You know, I got FIVE !!!
- So it's not for nothing that I told the whole class that you are a bitch!

Do you have depression? UNLOATABLE!
Ingredients: anasha, poppy straw, heroin, LSD ...

Yesterday, Stephen King told reporters that he wrote "Alien" under the influence of LSD and cocaine.
Journalists were very surprised, because it was not he who wrote "Strangers"!

The scientists managed to establish how the blocks for the Egyptian pyramids were mined: the slave was taken, placed in a crack and fed abundantly!

A drunken man comes into the barbershop:
- How much will it be cut?
- 240 rubles.
- I do not understand - but without blow job ?!

"Do you love your wife?"
"If I did, would I fuck her so often?"

- How to tear off a leech that sucked to the penis?
- By hair.

In the ass of a drunken man put out of the bar, because it's time to close ...
He stumbles on his stumbling legs to the first car he got, he feels the roof for about half a minute, then he says:
- It isnot mine...
Then he approaches the next car, touches the roof again and concludes:
- It isnot mine...
The barman, watching the whole scene, asks:
- How do you, I wonder, determine by touch - your car or not?
- And my rooftop should have a blue flasher ...

- Where do you go?
- In the medical.
- Specialty?
- Pediatrics.
- A pidarov for a special treat?

Once the Japanese emperor posted a proof that his bride is a virgin ...
And these idiots called it the flag !!!

A foreign contraceptive in the form of tablets is sent to a research institute that deals with pharmacology. After the research, there were many pills left, and, what's good for it, one of the young employees takes these pills, so to speak, for "field trials." A month later, someone decided to ask how the "tests" pass.
Hearing the question, the "tester" became a bit sad, but still answered:
- Great! For a month I never gave!

She, darling!
* Vodka "Posolskaya" - you will necessarily be sent for a new bottle (or just sent);
* Vodka "Beef" - 100 grams - and you meat;
* Vodka "Dostoevsky" - 100 grams - and you're a complete idiot;
* Vodka "Snail" - 100 grams - and you are already creeping;
* Vodka "Sharapov" - 100 grams - and it's scary to look at your face.
* Vodka "Kutuzov" - three bottles, and you are not in one eye;
Vodka "Freebie" (vinegar, sweet);
* Vodka "Chump-type choke" - just a self-propelled gun;
* Vodka "Hooligan" - after the third palpably hits the liver;
* Vodka "Streletskaya" - in the morning I want to shoot myself.

Salt in the backs?
Well, do not you sleep too much, fuck!
We will all be in coffins and in urns,
whether you are at least Charles Aznavour,
About friends, lyubvyah, about the vesna
keep silent, chewing oats, tries.
Who sits on the magnificent throne,
Do not go down in the subway, tries.
(does not feed in the bistro, nah.)
Drinking beer is not in liters, but in gallons,
it's hard to say "hello, nah" to the phone.
It is visible, wanders in our genes
passion for verbal, whore, purge, tries.
Under a palm tree with a girl naked
leafing through the almanac,
caught a coconut on his head.
Jealous, a palm tree, tries!
Let you drive in expensive cars
but we are not a member of the machine!
let's say NO - mufflers on members
for the sake of life on earth ...
The peptic ulcer! Forget about the wines!
Not destiny, fuck. C "est la vie, nah ...

Lack of money is usually compensated by an excess of the mind.
If the card does not go to Mohammed, then Mohammed is written to the mountain.
Never IQQ will not replace real live communication with SMS!
Do you need to know what you do not know, if you do not know what you need? ..
If a woman is silent and does not mind, then she is sleeping.
Motivation of the woman's behavior in the store is simple: I do not see what I want, and I do not want what I see.
The staff has decreased so much that now I'm the boss, I'm also a fool ...
Girls are divided into those who during sex groan, and those who suffer.
Politicians are like doves! When they are below - they eat from your hands, and when they are above - they will shit you on your head!
In marriage it is necessary to enter carefully so as not to get involved.
Egg is a cobblestone of the electorate.

Finally ended negotiations with David Beckham and coach Yaroslavl "Shinnik" ...
Beckham still can not understand how they could even begin.

George Bush-ml. visited Georgia and met with Governor Michael Saakashvili.

If you get lost in the forest with a group of tourists - do not give in to the leader's desire to eat the weakest. On the contrary, while you are many - it is better to overwhelm the strongest. Then the second in strength and so on.
It's great to increase your chances of staying alive ...

- The mathematics teacher said that I'm completely math in mathematics! Papa, what is a zero ?! Is this an insulting word?

- Do you have sleeping pills?
- There is.
- How much is?
- 50 bucks ...
- 50 bucks ?! Yes, if I give 50 dollars for sleeping pills, will I be able to fall asleep at all ?!

Hollywood in shock!
Uma Thurman is, it turns out, two unshaven muzhik !!!

- Darling, yesterday, paying for me in a restaurant, you were counting on sex ...
Can I expect to get married by paying you today?

"Do you want me to guess what your name is?" Do you want it? Do you want it?
- Mom, what are you doing ?!

A fairy tale about three bears.
Bear cub:
"Who sleeps in my bed?" (Stops the blanket) Wow! Mom, dad, go for a walk a little more!

Baron Munchausen flies on the core and thinks: "I figured myself, played the bowling alley!".

A famous magician is asked:
- You write in the advertisement "I return my husband." The result is 100%. " How do you do it?
- Naturally, we have to share with the departed husband, so that he at least three days back ...

- Do not go there. In the afternoon the dogs are lowered there.
- And at night?
"And they cheat at night."

- Yesterday on the bus the drug addict got into the bag, I did not notice at first, then I open the bag - it's sitting ...

- And now you are watching the famous Egyptian pyramids, which ...
- Comrade guide - is it true that a camel can not breathe for three minutes?
- No it is not true.
- Lech! Lech! Let him go! Let go!

"A kind-hearted person - when everyone kicked me, he came up, said - what are you bitches doing, and began to beat with your hands ...

The director of the Moscow zoo came to the capital many years ago with a single tumbler in his pocket ...

- Kolobok was wounded! He lost a lot of dough!
"The baker!" Is there a baker in the hall?

Conversation ensign:
"Do you hear, Mykola, what a nightmare I had at night." It's like I'm an alternative ensign in an alternative service.
- So what?
"And the fact that I've dragged everything from the house to the army store until morning."

Don Giovanni would never have had so many amorous victories if he had only one talent - how to tie any woman to himself, and there would be no talent, like getting rid of anyone.

"The worthless girl!" They say you did a blow job to Fedka yesterday? !!!
- What are you, Mom ?! His cock was bitten by a snake, and I sucked poison!

- Mama! Well, how many times do you say that my Vasya looks like a real playboy, not a plebeian.

"... theoretically, the kitten should be flattened with a hammer before serving, and be tear off the beak with pliers ...".
R.S. It's about feeding their chicken heads ...

A man meets his ex-wife. She is interested:
- How are you, how is life?
The peasant answers:
"You know, yesterday I was in bed with a girl, so I always remembered you."
"You missed me?"
- No, it's not too fast ...

- For the first time I fell in love with a kindergarten. She was in funny bows and pink golfs, and I came for my son ...

- Creeps into the head all the bullshit, - the prostitute thought, having made a blowjob.

Passive insectophilia:
- They fucked these mosquitoes.
Active insectophilia:
- I fucked these mosquitoes.

Articles from the female glossy Abkhaz magazine Fatima:
- Three in a quarter. How to explain to her husband?
- We prepare the hominy properly. Tips Jennifer Lopez.
- How beautiful it is to tan and not disgrace the family.
- Where it is better to go to relax in the summer? Routes schedule.
- Peroxide of hydrogen and other secrets of beauty.
- The difference with her husband is 90 years - and you do not know a single song of Utyosov! Councils of elders.
- Do you think that you are exploited? User's manual.
- How to determine by ears what kind of struggle your husband was engaged in.
- 17 ways that you are not stolen.
- How to resist the temptation to turn around when you are whistled.

Two employees of the firm are trying to find out from the third how the boss doubled his salary. One says:
- I now began an hour early to come to work and an hour later to leave it
- and at least that, no reaction!
- And I work without dinner and began to give out products in 2 times more - and nich it !!!
- Yes, it's simple, guys! My wife congratulated the chef on her birthday, congratulated ... late ... on ... oh, you, fuck !!!

Natasha Rostova and the Lieutenant Rzhevsky are walking.
"It's strange," Rzhevsky says, "why are gazebos called gazebos, and not otherwise?"
"Because they usually talk in them ..."
- No, Natasha! In them, as a rule, fuck ...

A peasant comes to the post office, sends a transfer. That is, fills in a piece of paper, inscribes the address and name of the recipient, puts the amount. At the other end of the telegraph wire comes for the translation of the lady, and it turns out that the translation says the name Elena, but in fact her name is Anya. Everything converges, but not the name. In such cases, the post office communicates with the sender to clarify the details. That is, they call him at home. A woman takes the phone.
Her direct text: they say, what is the name of the lady you sent money to?
"No," says Madame, "we could not send, we do not have any acquaintances in this city."
- How so? Does Petrov Ivan Ivanovich live at this address?
- Yes, this is my husband!
- And say that they did not send. Here you are!
Well, then a full breakdown - which number, from which department, to what address and to whom.
And half an hour later the man is calling.
"What are you doing," he says, "do you?" They put me in the right place!
- Yes, you have a mistake, - they say, - you wrote Elena, and she's Anna.
- So her name is ANNA? !!

If the vodka ends before two, it means that you did not have a third!
Why is a mermaid a girl with a tail, and rusal - is this just Russian aluminum?
If dope gets into the head - then it's good ...
With an easy movement of the hand, the dance floor turns into a ring!
Depression - this is when in group sex you feel insanely lonely ...
Dynamists are women, in which the bitchy side of their nature constantly dominates the fucking.
The mother-in-law is the best pimp, since her daughter's client is always wrong.
Masturbation is not a perversion, but a grueling exercise ...
A quick reaction with success compensates for his lack of tact.
If the spouse is lying down with a bad mood, and got up with a good one - ask who he dreamed.

A number of price tags on the market:
Beef. Pork. Mutton. Marinina.

A person enters the weapons shop and turns to the seller:
"Do you trade with ammunition?"
- We trade.
- And with the delivery of merchandise?
- We trade.
"Then get five bullets out of that citizen."

- How much apples?
- $ 70.
- And Cho is so expensive?
"I do not know anything, I have debts!"

The boy - passing by the customs officer in the form with a case:
"Uncle, what's in your diplomat?"
"The case of smuggling, boy.
"Why does it gurgle?"
- Because it has not been solved yet!

- Dear - more, more!
-... already ...

Philip in Greek means "loving horses" ...
I personally do not care, but before Pugacheva and Stotskaya uncomfortable.

Russian Lettish says:
- One of these days all Russian from Latvia will be completely expelled ...
- ABOUT! At last!
- Neutron bomb will be tested ...

The operation for sex change was successful.
I'm pretty.

- Hi! Where do you work?
- Nowhere!
- And what are you doing?
- Nothing!
- Pretty busy!
- Yes. But competitors got it!

- I like to walk along the dark night streets.
- A romantic!
- No. Maniac!

According to the GUVD, yesterday, as a result of careless treatment of women in the city, two children were born.

In one Cape Town family, the fourteenth child was born. Tired parents called him "The Last." However, this did not help, and a year later the fifteenth was born.
This was called the "Postscript".

A friend told me. She came to visit the dacha to friends. We went out for a walk and saw neighbors in the courtyard of a basset. She says:
"What a cool basset."
In response (from the hostess):
- Well, thank God, at least someone knows, or else all the neighbors say "What a fat dachshund."

Two new Russians met.
"Well, how are things going with your young wife?"
- Still alright...
- What do you mean "bye" ?!
- While I have money ...

On the eve of the Victory Day, CIS leaders signed the historic Declaration on Humanitarian Cooperation ...
And what else could they sign?
The act of surrender? ...

- The girl, you are not married?
- Yes ... for the second time ...

- Girl, did anyone tell you that you are the most beautiful, the cleverest and the nicest?
- No...
- First tries!

- Latvia demands to reconsider the results of the Second World War ...
- And let's re-tell them!

"If my father had not shown me street brawl in my childhood, I would have been beaten up yesterday with a brain!" And just on an empty box snapped!

"The defendant, you must speak the truth, and nothing but the truth."
"True, it's true, it's true, it's true!"

Russian-Ukrainian customs.
"What's that, bacon?" Export is not allowed!
"Pass it, officer!" My friend got a pig in an accident. The doctor said that only urgent transplantation of lard will help, the third group. And such fat only my pig has ...

Financiers, firemen and cops arranged a competition who would dig more telegraph poles in a day ... At the end of the day, it turned out that the financiers dug up 75 poles, firemen - 91, and cops - only 3.
When they were asked how it was, the cops replied in unison:
- So after all, the others did not completely dig them up !!!

What? Where? When?
Find one Kazakh surname in the national hockey team of Kazakhstan at the World Championship-2005.

"I'll come for you and whistle from below ... Or I'll clink ... Or I'll breathe!"

"Mom, buy a dog!"
- No!
"Well, buy it!"
"I told you, no!" Sell ​​it to someone else!

- What is the difference between a dirty whore and a decent girl?
- A decent girl first takes in her mouth - and then fuck her in the ass. Dirty whore first fucked in the ass - and then she takes in her mouth ...

The mother speaks on the phone with her son:
"Son, did you forget to turn on the compressor in the fish?"
- Of course I have not forgotten - the third mode, puree ...

- Sash, well, you're a straight farmer!
- Why ?!
- Yes, how to meet a girl, immediately go to her own business to show ...

- Listen! Yesterday, Kolyan, the bear, had frightened the lair!
"How did you know ?!"
- By the excrement!
"A bear?"
- Kolyan!

Examination of anatomy. Student:
- Uh-uh! Mmmmm! To the internal genitalia of men are! uh-uh! h linen!
Professor, ehidnenko:
- Eh, girl, this is for you he is INNER, and for a man - OUTDOOR!

A man brings a pack of photographs to work - to show colleagues. All photos are made on hunting. The peasant in awe tells how far they have stopped, how they lived for several days in marching conditions, how many drinks were bought. The photos show which one had the equipment.
Colleagues are interested in:
- Well, was there any extraction?
- Yes, hare.
"One hare?"
- Yes. We accidentally put it. When they went there, and he sighed under the wheels, a sick man of some kind!

Democracy is an opportunity to choose the slaveholders themselves.
My husband returned from fishing - and his wife said to him: "Go, check - did not you catch anything!".
Do not think ill of all at once. Think one by one.
Before you need to set realistic goals. To implement unreal there are subordinates.
On the fact of her husband's disappearance ... two neighbors were initiated.
In Odessa hospitals have solved the problem of heating - patients with high temperature are forced to cough into the radiator.
Acquire the Criminal Code - the most detailed price list of extreme entertainment!
Woman, as height: after her conquest, the man begins to descend.
You are young, lucky, confident in yourself. You go to the library, get carried away
dances: you are a sucker!
Sobriety is our norm of life, measured in the number of unfinished glasses.
"Full asshole" does not always mean "worse than nowhere" - many even like it ...

The series "The Funniest Books": now it's for sure all the edible mushrooms of Russia.
Edition 2, corrected.

"Valentina, where were you born?"
- I was born in the Ivanov family, we had some repairs at that time.

- Mitya, in communication with the girls you need tenderness and affection, and in your case also gratitude.

"It's all somehow suspicious." Do you have a lie detector?
"He'll be washed away with blood now." and he is ready to work again.

Interview with the rector of a paid university.
- Tell me, they say, do you learn only the poor and the slobs with a tight purse?
- Well, basically, yes!
- A sensible come across?
- Well, how! As they say, the family is not without a freak!

Belarusian oppositionists have not yet decided on the name of their
"revolution": whether the potato revolution, or the chips.

- And what does your dog eat?
- Yesterday I bitten that guy's knee.
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappi" with a taste of the knee over that man.

- Sanya, where do you work now?
- Nowhere.
- And by whom?

- Tell me, will there be a meeting of men suffering from premature ejaculation?
- Yes, here - but it ended an hour earlier ...

In the "Resurrection" in the exercises on the "Civil Defense" with "Scammed Scammers", there was an "Accident" - "The Leg Drove", and in the medicine cabinet only "Viagra".
If it were not for Doctor Watson, they would have gone to Crematorium ...

An old Zhigul plows into a steep foreign car. From the Zhiguli the joyful peasant comes out and the policy of an autocitizen of the newly arrived brides falls:
- I did the right thing!
"Well, you're a fine fellow, of course!" And now you went to look at your hut ...

Yesterday evening, Citizen S., climbing the escalator, stared at the advertisement, lost her vigilance, and then the irreparable happened: she bought herself this little double!

Recently, a young scientist A., when studying the properties of marijuana right in his apartment, found several men in a police uniform.

Father on call. A strict, attentive man will come to the school principal and hear a complaint about the client.

In one of the Minsk universities was a teacher named Nickel. And to him a certain girl comes to the test, she was not present at the classes. It is difficult to get a credit from the teacher, whom you see for the first time in your life.
Question to fellow students: "How is Nickel's name-patronymic?" Classmates - good people (and cheerful), they say.
The scene is oiled.
- Wolfram Molybdenovich - put, please, a set ...

- Well, and the alignment! This I have not seen! - Surprised the preference, looking through pornosite.

- What should be done to make the day of the Airborne Forces calm?
- Assign it to June 25. Maybe even a crowd of drunken graduates will stop this madness ...

For the chiefs!
Before you offend the programmer, consider whether your stupid ambitions of such costs are worth your firm's worth when he wants to offend you!

"Darling, could you change me with another woman?"
- Persuaded ...

Zhanna Aguzarova will visit a kindergarten in late May ...
Psychologists are already working with children!

- Hello Anton! Listen, my brother's got problems ...
"How's your brother ?!" You have a sister. Yesterday I lit her with her at the disco ...
- So I say - my brother's problems ...

- Listen, and Zhirinovsky - he is from Alma-Ata?
- I already apologized last time ...

Mission control center. The astronaut is getting in touch:
- MCC !!! What's happening?!! The ship is moving away from the Earth !!!
Head of flight:
- Vasya! .. You're sorry ... Well ... nestykovochka out! ..

Young people in moments of intimacy. She is:
"How beautiful you are!" And do you know how nice it is with a handsome man to have sex?
He paused briefly.
- No! I just came across freaks!

Divorced girlfriends are looking at an inflatable man at the showcase of sex shops:
- I do not understand what attracts you to inflatable men?
- Kayf hanging this inflatable bastard for a dildo to the chandelier!

In the store, the man buys a fishing rod. One looked, the other. He went through everything that was, but does not choose anything suitable.
Tired seller:
- Listen - maybe you'd rather take a fish?

- How did Stradivari make his great violins?
"The varnish was cooking."
- Well?
- And sniffed.

In the public toilet ...
"Kolya, come here, it's not deep here!"

I go to my mother's bedroom one day, and in my bed she's my boss!
I was shocked ... And only a minute later I remembered that I was working at my father's firm.

There is a lesson in school. The theme of the lesson: "How my grandmother fought against the fascists."
Masha stands up and says:
- My grandmother was a nurse and saved the lives of 10 wounded soldiers, pulling them from the battlefield ...
Pavlik stands up and says:
- My grandmother was a teacher and saved the lives of 30 first-graders, taking them away from the bombing ...
Vovochka rises:
- And my grandmother was in enemy rear and infected syphilis with 100 German soldiers!

September 1 at the school. The lesson of the Russian language and literature.
- Hello children! My name is Ivan Vasilyevich, I am your new teacher of Russian language and literature ... This year I will try to convey to you all that beautiful and pure that exists in our beautiful Russian language. We will try to understand with you the high style of Pushkin, the subtle and sparkling humor of Griboyedov's works, appreciate the profound meaning of Gogol's remarkable works ... And the operatives who sit on the backs of the crooks croak and swear at the floor - I want to immediately show that for all the misunderstandings I will fool the ruler on fuck, and if you do not suck a specific topic from a swoop - then they will have serious swings on the carpet from the owner!

Previously, people dumped all the inexplicable on the otherworldly forces, now - on photoshop.
If women ruled the world, then there would not be wars - but every 28 days there would be very fierce negotiations ...
An old female tariff: all incoming and outgoing for free, you only need to marry her.
If a woman especially tries to show where her legs are growing from, it's just necessary to hide where her hands grow from.
No one will condemn a woman like two together - a third ...
The ideal woman, she as kvartinka: 90,60,90 and 10 more bonus from above.
There is a question. Why in the refrigerator capacity of 160 liters fit only 64 bottles of beer?
Debility advertising is not done morons, it is done for morons.
He was so steep that his own shadow shied from him.
Neutral smell - it's just nothing like a stink ...

- Do you want to have a beautiful slender figure by the spring?
- Yes, that by spring, in the old days, I managed to have two beautiful beautiful slender figures in one evening.

One lucky owner of the opera said:
- If his (opera) is quiet at night put in a dark and dark forest and listen - then you can hear how he rot ...

- Are you a haircut?
- No, I washed my head.

I go to my mother's bedroom one day, and in my bed she's my boss!
I was shocked...
And only a minute later I remembered that I was working at my father's company.

Spring. Forest. Talk Mowgli and Bagheera.
"Bagheera, what's wrong with me?" I want to run far, far away, hide deep and deep, sit quietly ... Maybe it's love?
- No, Mowgli - it started the spring draft in the army ...

- This is Anya, she lost the apartment in a win-win lottery.

From life.
... in the TVC channel news (it seems):
There is a report about an exhibition of flowers in Moscow. There is also a fashion show with clothes from all sorts of flowers and grass. And in the end the correspondent issues a phrase:
"The main thing in understanding beauty and harmony in this world is the magnificent combination of grass and paper ...".

- Do you suffer from dandruff, dry and brittle hair?
- No, I'm used to it!

A new action from the Ministry of Internal Affairs:
- Admit to commit two crimes, and the third on you will hang for free!

I bought a new meat grinder ...
Yesterday I tried it with my wife. Finally I understood what the phrase means: "Explain to me on your fingers how it works" ...

"What about your personal front?"
- I do not earn enough so far to finance a personal front ...

"Girl, why are you all in white?"
- I give up!

Let the snot in the nose ring,
But still feel the fifth point,
That there will be a night shorter than the day,
Spring will come, the buds will swell -
And the girls will undress, beckoning,
Pantyhose will be replaced by stockings,
And again they will make me happy
Brass bracelets are perfect locks ...

- And you do not need to know me, just turn to me backwards, and to the forest ahead ...

How, you do not know what distinguishes erotica from pornography?
Eroticism is 1600x1200, but 320x200 is pornography!

During the scandal at a press conference with the Rostov journalist Philip Kirkorov, without expecting it, he stole half-songs from the group "Leningard."

"Remember, son, not everything in life can be achieved with fists. Sometimes you have to pick up a good stick!

Coming soon on Channel One!
The new series "Star and Fuck!".
In the title role, Philip Kirkorov.

"Please, me, a half-watermelon."
- It's simple - it's a male ...

The new priest asks the parishioner how she likes his sermons.
- Amazing! We can say that we did not know anything about sin until you came to us ...

Under the dictation of the victim write down the damage from burglary:
-... and a bottle of vodka.
- What, and took a bottle of vodka? The protocol did not seem to indicate ...
- No, we drank it with sorrow.

- The longest sex is fixed between citizen Kukuev and the gearbox from his car VAZ-2105.

- What does a woman do in the morning with her ass?
- She makes a sandwich sandwich and sends it to work.

My mother-in-law simply hates my mobile with voice dialing
- whenever I am roughly cut off on the road, the phone obediently recruits the mother-in-law's number.

... One of these days, Vladimir Zhirinovsky visited a kindergarten. As he later stated in the prosecutor's office - the children were the first to start a fight ...

"Comrade General, they've taken off the sentry, now they're coming to you!"
- Who ?!
- Correspondents of NTV.

The ninth-grader is trying to take an eight-year-old at the entrance.
She is:
- Stop! Only not here. We're not first-graders.

The dude rushes into the mentovka and declares:
- I was attacked by Tajiks, they took money and a mobile phone !!!
"How were they dressed?"
- In the national Tajik costumes.
- More precisely!
- Yellow jackets with orange sleeves. And on the backs of the inscription: "LLC Spetsstroy SAD."

One woman tells her friend:
"My husband and I now live in French: he sleeps in one room, and I am in another. When I need him, he rings the bell ...
- So you can sleep and not hear?
- No, I'm always standing by the door and listening ...

"Son, get up!"
- Well, another hour, Mom?
"What an hour, the pimp has already come for her!"

A guy picking his index finger in his nose, comes up during a disco to a standing girl.
- Let's dance?
- With such - I do not dance!
The guy flicks the bug off the finger with a click:
- Why is it so?

We sit at home in the evening. Suddenly the light blinked and turned off. I take a flashlight, pliers, screwdriver, I go to the dashboard. I opened the cover of the shield (do not worry, I'm an electrician), I look, the wire fell off the clamp. Work for three minutes ...
And then a neighboring neighbor dumps out of the apartment (they have recently moved in, I have not been acquainted with him yet). He came and looked. He asks what I'm going to do.
I say that I'll unscrew the screw, insert the wire and clamp it. He takes the pliers from me, grabs the wire with them, presses them to the point of contact!
Sparks, smoke - but the wire was welded. A neighbor with a feeling of great accomplishment
- Well, now you can call an emergency - I'm a welder ...

The journalist came to do an interview with Stevie Wonder and asked:
- Sorry for such a personal question, but say: you do not feel any inferiority complexes due to the fact that you are blind?
Stevie Wonder:
- Well, you, what complexes ?! I'm blind from birth, so I do not even understand what it's like to be seeing ... It would be much worse if I was a Negro!

If the triangle is cut in half - it will be two half-sided ...
Real loneliness is when you talk all night with yourself - and you do not understand.
The first sign of poisoning with fungi is the blueing of the corpse.
Man is naive! He believes that he thinks, and thinks he believes.
Pessimists can also make mistakes, but always successfully.
And if atheism becomes the world religion?
For a good co-author of two authors give.
In porn movies about homosexuals there are no good and bad heroes. There are only pretty and disgusting.
No man will distinguish a real brunette from a natural blonde, if they do not shave, they put out the light in the room, climbed under the blanket and locked the door from it.
It's not for the hands, it's not for the legs - it's a dildo!

"Is UFOology a science or a religion?"
"It's business!"

Bank A offers a new form of microcrediting "On Drunkenness".
The glass can serve as a pledge ...

Bush is indignant:
- The Vatican challenged political correctness: the new Pope is not a woman, not a Jew and not a black one!

- Bitch! - thought two women, with a sweet smile looking into each other's eyes ...

- Hello! Management of the railways? Urgently send a psychologist to the Kursk railway station.
- What happened?
- The train started moving...

Protestants argue:
"Women will also go to heaven!"
- No, they will not!
- Why?
- Because it is written: "And there was a silence in heaven for half an hour."

The traffic cop asks the driver who just made a run over. The driver tries to justify himself:
"And then this goat ka-ka will jump out onto the road!" I immediately ka-ah-ah ... this ...
Traffic policeman:
- Has it sounded?
- No! It...
- Has cried?
- Well no! It!
- Has braked?
- No! It! Ah! Sobered up!

- Girl, but let's have sex in brotherhood?
- How do you imagine that?
- Very simple. First we will make love, then kiss, and then we will pass to "you".

- Mama! Dad on the river fish poisoned!
"What fish?" There is no fish in our river ...
- I do not know - but the neighbors say that ruff ...

Committed in Odessa:
"Where's the toilet?"
"And why should you?"

There are two international journalists, one complains to another:
- It was absolutely impossible to work, there was a lot of lawlessness: in Delhi - stripped, on the Australian mainland - obmaterili, in Guadalupe - they chopped it off! Well, how about you?
"Better not ask!" Just returned from Adjara!

- Why do not crocodiles fly?
- Have you seen our flight attendants?

- They say you are divorced with your quarrelsome wife?
- Yes, here's the wrench for the wrench!

In Moscow - Mosenergo.
In St. Petersburg - Lenenergo.
In Kherson, too, there is energy ...

A set of "Petrik's Cup".
A kit for a young biologist, which includes, in fact, a cup and strains of various non-dangerous viruses.

Jesus walks on the water. Next to him sails one of the apostles, saying:
- You should not waste it, teacher ... Water today, like fresh milk!

Everything is so expensive in Moscow! "Lombardini Diablo" buy 500 thousand dollars worth. For comparison, we have in Perm kilogram buckwheat - 12 rubles.

My friend calls a mobile phone, the name of the subscriber is displayed, "Give money!".
"Who called this?" - I ask.
- My daughter ...

New Slavic name:

A prostitute comes to the traffic police and says:
"Hey, Major, I need the right!"
- What are your other rights with your profession?
"Like what?" Category "B", of course!

Two women are talking:
- Yesterday I open the cupboard, and there I ate my woolen jacket.
- It's nothing, here I had a hemp, so my son was smoking all ...

The man comes into the store, turns to the seller:
- Do you have any recording?
- There is. What year is the album for you?

I myself saw:
My mother and her little son were traveling in a full minibus and kept silent all the way ...

- Where have you been?
"In the morgue at the autopsy."
- So how is it?
- Not given!

The American is weighed on an automatic balance, which also prints a horoscope on the card. His wife pulls out a card.
- John, here it is written that you are intelligent, handsome, rich and like women ...
Reverses the card.
- Weight, by the way, also distorted!

Under the motto "Bullet is a fool, a bayonet is a good fellow", Russian biathletes have won the most spectacular victory of the season ...

- Are you, with all the girls that you have on the wall hang, slept ?!
"Have you read all ten of the bookshelves in your room?"

If the word "bread" is used to make four mistakes, the word "beer" will be obtained, but sometimes one mistake is enough to make the word "fuck" from the word "session" ...

Japanese developers have received a private foreign order for the manufacture of a robot that can steam in a bath, sing under a seven-string guitar, quickly ride, beautifully swear and swallow vodka in one gulp ...
The nationality of the customer is kept in the strictest secrecy!

One of the Vatican cardinals is asked:
- Who will become the new Pope?
"I can not say ... but I know for sure who will not ..."
- Who ?!
- St. Petersburg has few chances ...

The newlyweds. The wedding night. The spouse comments: "FIRST NAZH!".

A man came to the store and asked to show him the perfume, he wants to make a gift to the girl. The seller to him:
- Here is a wonderful, delicate fragrance, called "Maybe" Price 10 000 rubles per bottle.
- "May be"?! Yes, I for 10 000 will buy Vaseline "We are all yours!"

Cafe, at the counter for an incomprehensible purpose hanging out a company of tipsy youngsters.
Money for the continuation of the banquet is clearly not there. And the mood, accordingly, is aggressive and sociable. The saleswoman tells them:
"Get away from the counter!"
In reply:
- Who are you named the settlers ??

Photographer Sidorov abandoned the Western habit of offering photographers to say "chi-i-and-from."
In his experience, he knows that a smile turns out to be much more natural if the photographed people say "hehe-e-yer to you" ...

Stop! You're under the arrow. Now the crane operator should aim ...
In my old age I will go to grandchildren as I went to my relatives in Ukraine in the 80s without a passport, customs, prints and checking the anus ...
A good half of Russian traffic cops take bribes, and the evil half also takes away the rights.
A win-win lottery means that without losing, you will not leave in any case.
Oh, what a Jennifer pokeps!
Russia does not face either the West or the East.
In order not to put anyone behind ...
If your lover is sleeping with your lover - then you're a pervert!
In his ears for a long time the music sounded - no one guessed to remove the headphones from the corpse.
Say "Hi there!" at a meeting with the pregnant woman it is a bad form.
And to reach out to both ...
A real Russian roulette: in a pack with especially strong condoms, change one to a particularly sensitive one!

The inscription on the door in the entrance:
"Do not close the doors, we are waiting for prostitutes."

- Next! Why they decided!
- Because I live there!
"So you're not ours?" And why so well speak our way?
- Because I used to be yours, then I went there.
"Why did you come back here?"
- I felt nostalgic, I wanted to see my homeland.
"Why are you leaving?"
- I saw my homeland, I want to feel nostalgic!

The teacher takes away from the student "Playboy":
"I want to see your parents tomorrow."
- And tomorrow to wait? Vaughn - page 42-43.

"Bill, I'm already tired of protecting you from the attacks of your whores in front of the whole country!"
"Hillary, do you think it's nice to lie to the whole world, that I've gotten myself into this stupid dog for myself?"

Masha Rasputina was over 60.
For the top 90 passed three years ago.
And for the bottom 90 - in the last century!

According to reports from Kyrgyzstan, the revolution still achieved its goal - the people got new TVs.
The next revolution is scheduled for 2020, the year when they stop showing these TVs ...

Consumables, you say ...
Ammunition, or what?

The employee comes to the boss and says:
"I've been working here for 25 years, and I have never been paid a salary!"
- That's why you managed to work here for 25 years ...

Female trick can do wonders!
So, the desire of one bride to justify an illegitimate pregnancy created a world religion.

The husband gave his wife a ride on his car. When several hours had passed, he began to worry and went out onto the road.
"Listen," he asked the passing acquaintance, "have you seen my wife?"
"I saw it, I saw it," the acquaintance replied. "There, at the edge of the forest, she collected some scrap metal."

On the issue of regional unification ...
Yesterday, finally, the issue of the Northern Territories was resolved.
Japan became part of the Kuril Islands.

It turns out that a lion can commit up to 50 acts of love a day ...
Such a great predatory rabbit.

He did not want to go into the garden. And then the mother said that she would chop off his head.
Look at the video - "In the garden without a head"!

- What is "a lot of money"?
- This is when there are enough taxes.

- Why is an inner voice given to a person?
- To express everything that he thinks about the boss, looking at his impudent shameless eyes.

4 stages of intoxication:
Came ... Crawled ... They brought ... They brought it, but not there!

- How can you believe that a hare, a pig and a dog for 30 years alone can carry a children's TV show?

The World Organization "Doctors Without Borders" has finally opened its branches in our country.
In Siberia - "Doctors without a salary."
In the Bryansk region - "Doctors without tools and medicines."
And in the village of Punkino - "Hospital without doctors."

In order to mitigate the consequences of the economic crisis, the creators of the TV program "The Director himself" started to shoot a new cycle of educational and entertaining programs: "To myself, a hairdresser", "My own tailor," "To myself, dry cleaning," "To myself a dentist," "Sam imagine a surgeon, "" Himself a crematorium. "
For the lonely at night, the program "Himself a sexual partner" will be aired.

The inscription on the doors of the student toilet:
"Chair of urination and caloric discharge".

Doctor to the patient:
"Now you will take this medicine for the rest of your life."
"And while I receive it, will I live?"
- No. As long as you live, you will receive it.