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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

In the cockpit of the plane following the flight Kiev-Moscow, the drunk pilot sits down.
Looks - and the co-pilot in the same condition.
- Bastard! We have agreed! Today I drink ... How could you get so drunk in the morning ?!
In response, silence.
- Okay! Fly then we'll fly! But who in Moscow will drive the car? !!

One man was caught for speeding. The policeman fined him a tidy sum and wrote a receipt to the peasant.
- On a fig to me your receipt? - Asks an evil man.
“Save her,” replies the cop. - When you collect these receipts 12 pieces - you get a bike!

- What is the difference between a plane and a toilet?
- They sit down on the plane to fly, and fly to the toilet to sit down.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Computer emergency. Departure - $ 20, departure - by agreement.

Sochi. A man standing in the carriage by the window says goodbye to the girl ...
The train starts off and finally the man happily shouts to the girl:
- A bucks something fake!
She answered him:
- But the clap is real, dear ...

In 2004, in the world, 80 times more money was spent on breast surgery and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research ...
If the trend continues, in 30 years everything in the world will be with huge tits and an iron erection - but they will not be able to remember why they need it.

In the old days, when the invaders took the city by storm, they killed men and raped women ...
That is why the proud, but cheerful Scots began to wear skirts!

- Katya, did you have a designer in your childhood?
- No, I liked sea sailors more ...

- Dear, you will soon become a dad!
- Eh ... and I wanted an astronaut ...

Very expensive stylish restaurant. The visitor calls the waiter, he is suitable - so elegant, helpful ...
- Your sturgeon is completely inedible ... Take it and stick your chef in the ass!
- The client's desire for us is the law! But I cannot fulfill your request ... Unfortunately, there is already a Peking duck, lobsters and a cake "Fantasia" ...

- Well, sit down ... Problem, yes? Which one? The girl threw? Gygygy is a sucker ... oops, forgive me ... No, nothing. This is me ... And what did you say? Jonah? Bugagaga - kill yourself! No, just kidding. Yes, forget it, nah she gave up to you ... Aah, you love! Huyase
Then yes - a big problem, a bottle of two vodkas, gyyg ... Seriously, you take a vial, you open it, a squish and a squish and no. Not suitable? The first love? Oh, fuck, well done ... God bless, cherish, remember, well, fuck and go, for order, gyg. That's when I'm at your age ...
- Dad, fuck! Can you be serious ?!

From life.
Odessa, at about eight in the morning, my brother and I are waiting for parents ...
We see such a picture - there is a girl, a blonde with long legs and with a professional morning fatigue on her face ... A girl smokes a cigarette and listens to a peasant, a kind of zinger of fifty.
He runs around her, says something, waving his arms. Communicates, in short ...
And across the road is an aunt and his short-sighted eyes are squinting towards this pair ...
Glasses, apparently, forgotten at home ...
And here she shouts:
- Vasya, is that you ?!
Nasty so shouts ... The man does not pay attention and then has a conversation.
- Vasya, this tyyyyy ?!
The man shrugs off and continues his.
- Vasya, come here !!!
The man turns around and shouts - like, shchaz all throw !!!
- Vasya!!!
A man pokes money at the girl, slaps her on the ass and with Napoleon's gait crosses the road.
- Vasya, who was this? !!
- Like who?! Absolutely blinded ?! Well this guy from my garage !!!
Better excuses, I admit, did not hear ...

It happens that confidence in the future rather grieves than pleases.
I think - it's time to rethink the word HICKS ...
If a dog looks at you with hungry eyes, there are two ways to do this.
fix: feed and cruel.
Should I trust Oksana Pushkina's Look, if Oksana herself has minus three?
Vegetarianism - a system of views on meat, in which you can not eat meat, but you can be from meat.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would certainly supply us with horns, tail and hooves.
Self-esteem - is it an erection?
If you forgot to pay - it does not matter! The trouble, if caught up ...
Who has found a friend - he has found a treasure, and who has found a treasure - he is no longer looking for a friend!
A woman consists almost entirely of places called obscene words ...
If the liver has declared itself - strike her back!
Make a fool dick suck - so she rolls her lip to herself ...

In the x-ray room:
- Sick, freeze! Now the skeleton of the bird will take off!

- Tea with lemon is good! Cognac with lemon - great! But this GALA with lemon causes me heartburn!

- This man greeted you so cordially, said that his doors are always open for you! And you're so rudely silent in response! Who was that?
- The head of our city jail!

The girl calls the beauty salon:
- Excuse me, but photoepilation is how?
- In Photoshop ...

- Why is it necessary to cover the head with a kepa in the synagogue?
- From a sense of justice. Because a Jew's head still remains uncovered.

- While I'm here in Sochi, I am hunchy, my wife has already changed me five times. Overall score - 5: 2.
- Well, she's at home, and you're visiting.

The guy calls the girl:
- What do you like more - bananas or peaches?
- Are you in the vegetable market?
- No, in the pharmacy. Condoms choose!

- Recently I bought myself a dress. Well, a little thing on me. And yesterday tried on - shakes.
- Maybe you have grown your hands?

The guy with the player is standing at the bus stop - with headphones that are inserted into the ears, and the wiring is pulled into the jacket. Near two grandmothers. One of the other seriously says:
- I do not understand what is happening in the world. Recently, on the street I see so many young people with hearing aids!

In a physics lesson, the teacher tells the students:
- According to the third law of Newton, every action causes opposition! Who does not understand?
Little Johnny:
- When we give money to traffic cops, why they do not resist?

- Mom, buy a dog!
- Not!
- Well, please buy it!
- I said no! Sell ​​it to someone else!

With a sinking heart, the President of Belarus Lukashenko was watching TV - he well remembered how the victory of Ukraine at Eurovision ended for Kuchma ...

Famous singer Christina Orabkayte started having serious problems with
memory: at one of the last high-society parties, she gave herself to an unknown man, having taken him for one of the last husbands ...

- And to us on work addicts took!
- Well, how are they?
- Oh, nothing, sit - they stick ...

A conversation in the student hostel art university.
Students are going to practice:
- Easel took?
- Took it.
- Brushes took?
- Took it.
- Paint taken?
- Took it.
- took the palette?
- Yes, I thought it would be a little liter, I took two ...

Winnie the Pooh and Piglet came to visit Rabbit ...
At first they behaved like pigs, and then - like rabbits.

- After the game immediately to me!
- A grandmother against will not?
- Grandmother against will not. But you better come with a girl.

- Well, did you see his diary ?!
- Saw!
- So what?
- I will fight ass !!
- Maybe just a moronic stupor to call?
- No, it is non-pedagogical!

- Natasha, I have a question for you in connection with the elections.
- Come on.
- What beer should you take: dark or light?

- Mom forbade me to go hiking with other men. And she went herself.

“What is your bruise under your eye?”
- Fought because of the woman he loved.
- Wow! With whom?
- With my wife ...

- I was a very ugly child at school. The teachers even drank before class.

"Do not try to present an n-dimensional cube. No one has yet been able to imagine, but many have moved into a madhouse."

- Guys, I do not understand one thing. Who won the Crimean War: the Russians or the Turks?
- Ukrainians won, Lesh!
- Why Ukrainians ?!
- Who has the Crimea - he won!

- I would like to buy a book ...
- What is the content?
- For the patient ...
- So maybe the Bible?
- No, he is not sick to such an extent!

- And I have a girl - a primary school teacher.
- So what?
- And that: "Dear, when you kiss the tongue do not smack, take off your clothes carefully, do not hunch in bed. That's all, thank you, sit down, four ...".

- And I found a coin in bed yesterday. Nice - someone wants to come back!

St. Petersburg, the celebration of its glorious 300th anniversary.
Two teen-age girls (15-16 years old) enter the subway car, dressed in some kind of rant, behave very freely. Squatting on the floor, leaning back against the wall. Some grandfather approaches them and starts
shame: "As you girls are not ashamed, there are so many foreign guests in the city now that they will think about us!" etc.
The girls do not react to his long monologue, they only look at each other, until one of them asks the other in pure German: "What does this person want from us?".

According to Belarussian media to prepare his wife for the contest
Eurovision Song Contest 2005 sausage king of Russia Nikolai Agurbash spent about 1,000,000 US dollars ...
Never the expression "Lemon pots in pussy !!!" did not have such a real embodiment!

Boxing match. One boxer brutally beats another. It just weighs him how much the halva ...
The second one somehow waits for a break. He sits down, his eyelids have been incised so that he can see at least something, they apply a freeze - well, in short, the usual picture ...
The next round is the same. Well, in short, there are five rounds. After the fifth one, the beaten one no longer sees anything at all — he cannot find his own corner.
He finds something, sits down and tells the coach:
- Hey - are you even there looking for me to judge not pizdil ...

The heart does not just tell, it knocks.
The most valuable quality of a football player is that which he holds with his hands when he stands in the wall.
The more you give to work, the more you get backwards.
Idleness - the highest form of manifestation of freedom ...
Antivirus is a big virus that does not like competition.
Wrote a virus - did not let those who wrote antiviruses die of hunger.
It is very unpleasant to get out of the river of milk on the honeymoon.
This blonde thinks the place that you think about!
The Russian dream is to retire and continue to work for a long, long time!
Well, what kind of people do we have? Neither communism build nor capitalism recover!
An employee is the one who is hired all the time.
I do not like son-in-law - fuck your daughter yourself!

- Kolya, are you taking me?
- Of course! With a look!

- What is your vision?
- Minus five.
- Cold, probably?

- Senya, do you really love me?
- True, Vasya. What confuses you?
- Yes, somehow it is not as a friend!

- Strange. It is written: "Antiques", and you have products here!
- Have you seen their expiration date?

Found a boy, brought up by stalactites, - he slowly grows on the ceiling and drips on all.

One evening the walkers came to Lenin. But they were not allowed to enter Ilyich. The mausoleum worked only until lunch.

- I owe advertising to everyone in this life!
- Why?
- And I was conceived in a commercial break.

- In the school of the future Minister of Education was often beaten.
- Now he has grown up and takes revenge on school!

- Private Ivanov, cover me!
- I can not, comrade captain!
- What the hell? Why?
- But how?! You have the 60th size, and I have 48.

- Do you have a recipe for Coca-Cola?
- What are you, she sells without a prescription ...

- We yesterday played the game "tear out the eye."
- So how?
- Draw, 2: 2.

- Congratulations! You have just won a million dollars in our lottery!
Your family will receive a dollar each year for a million years.

I sell the crack for the Baltic States in excellent condition, caliber 7.62, with a tripod ...

When Dalia needed new words, he came to the village, smashed 2-3 bottles of vodka in front of the men, and then he stood and wrote down ...

- I can not give you a vacation for five days - then I will be forced to give such a vacation to everyone who was born five!

In the shop:
- Sorry, you did not return the change!
- Forgive!

- The famous athlete gave her a yacht. The host of the First Channel brought her to the Bahamas, a famous businessman bought her a Porsche. Meet - Ksenia Obshchak!

- And you were silent ?!
- And you did not ask?

- Do not wake up the beast in me, the rabbit will wake up - forget it!

- On New Year's Eve people bought the most necessary: ​​tangerines, champagne, Yukos!

- Mouth tear! Morgaly vykolyu!
- No, after all, tell me for sure: are you a dentist or an oculist?

- Show the tongue.
- Oh.
- Yes, not the one. I'm a shoemaker, not a doctor.

- So, I am making Tibet Tibet, and you are doing a chito mine ?!

The girl tells a friend:
- You know - I have an exam tomorrow, so you scold me ... okay?
- Good...
The next day resorts:
- You know - I got FIVE !!!
- So no wonder I told the whole class that you are a BITCH!

Are you depressed? UNLIMITED!
Ingredients: pineapple, poppy straw, heroin, LSD ...

Stephen King told reporters yesterday that he wrote Aliens under the influence of LSD and cocaine.
The journalists were very surprised, because it wasn’t he who wrote Aliens!

Scientists managed to establish how they mined blocks for the Egyptian pyramids: they took a slave, put him in a crack and richly fed!

Drunk man comes to the hairdresser:
- How much will my hair cut?
- 240 rubles.
- I do not understand - and without a blow job!

- Do you love your wife?
- If I loved - would I fuck her so often?

- How to tear off a leech sucking to a member?
- By hair.

In the ass drunken peasant expose from the bar, because it is time to close ...
He is on stranded legs coming to the first car that he finds, feeling the roof for about half a minute, after which he says:
- It isnot mine...
Then he walks over to the next car, rubs the roof again and concludes again:
- It isnot mine...
A bartender watching this whole scene asks:
- How is it you, interestingly, you determine by touch - your car or not ?!
- And my roof should have a blue flasher ...

- Where are you going?
- In the medical.
- Specialty?
- Pediatrics.
- A fagot special treat?

Once, the Japanese emperor posted proof that his bride was a virgin ...
And these idiots called it a flag !!!

A foreign contraceptive preparation in the form of tablets is sent to a research institute dealing with pharmacology. After the research there were a lot of pills, and, what a good thing to disappear, one of the young employees takes these pills, so to speak, for "field trials." A month later, someone decided to ask how are "tests".
Hearing the question, the "tester" became a little sad, but he answered:
- Great! For a month never gave!

She, darling!
* Vodka "Embassy" - you will surely be sent for a new bottle (or just sent);
* Vodka "Beef" - 100 grams - and you meat;
* Vodka "Dostoevsky" - 100 grams - and you are a complete idiot;
* Vodka "Snail" - 100 grams - and you are already crawling;
* Vodka "Sharapov" - 100 grams - and it's scary to look at your face.
* Vodka "Kutuzov" - three bottles, and you are not in one eye;
* Vodka "Freebie" (acetic, sweet);
* Vodka Shompolnaya Dulnozaryadnaya - just samopal;
* Vodka "Hooligan" - after the third, it significantly hits the liver;
* Vodka "Streletskaya" - I want to shoot myself in the morning.

Salt deposited in the backs?
Well, you sleep less, nah!
We will all be in coffins and urns,
be you at least Charles Aznavour, nah.
About friends, love, about springs
keep silent, chewing oats, nah.
Who sits on the magnificent thrones,
does not go down to the subway, nah.
(does not eat in a bistro, nah.)
Drink beer not in liters, but in gallons,
It’s hard to say hello in the phone.
It can be seen wandering in our genes
passion for verbal fucking purge, nah.
Under the palm tree with girl bare
flipping through the almanac
caught a coconut on his head.
Jealous, palm, nah!
Let you ride in expensive cars
but we are not a member of our machine!
say NO - covers on members
for the sake of life on earth nah ...
The ulcer! Forget the wines!
Not fate, fuck. C "est la vie, na ...

Lack of money is usually offset by an excess of intelligence.
If the card does not go to Mohammed - then Mohammed is written on the mountain.
Never ICQ will replace real live communication with the help of SMS!
And do you need to know what you do not know, if you do not know what you need? ..
If a woman is silent and does not mind, then she is sleeping.
The motivation of a woman’s behavior in a store is simple: I don’t see what I want and don’t want what I see.
The team has shrunk so much that now I’m the boss, and I’m a fool ...
Girls are divided into those who groans during sex, and those who suffer.
Politicians are like pigeons! When they are down - they eat from your hands, and when they are up - they shit on your head!
Marriage must be entered carefully so as not to plunge.
The egg is the cobblestone of the electorate.

Finally ended negotiations David Beckham and coach Yaroslavl “Shinnik” ...
Beckham still can not understand how they could begin.

George W. Bush visited Georgia and met with Governor Michael Saakashvili.

If you get lost in the forest with a group of tourists - do not give in to the desire of the leader to eat the weakest. On the contrary, while you are many - it is better to fill up the strongest. Then the second in strength and so on.
It will greatly increase your chances of staying alive ...

“A math teacher said I was a complete zero in math!” Dad, what is zero ?! Is this an insulting word?

- Do you have a sleeping pill?
- There is.
- How much is?
- 50 bucks ...
- 50 bucks ?! Yes, if I give 50 bucks for sleeping pills, can I even fall asleep at all? !!!

Hollywood is shocked!
Uma Thurman is, it turns out, two unshaven men !!!

- Honey, yesterday, paying for me in a restaurant, you counted on sex ...
Can I, by paying for you today, count on marriage ?!

- If you want, I guess what is your name? Do you want Do you want
- Mom, what are you doing? !!

The tale of the three bears.
Teddy bear:
- Who sleeps in my bed? (Pulls off the blanket) Wow! Mom, Dad, go walk a little more!

Baron Munchhausen flies on the core and thinks: "I never know, I played the bowling alley!"

A famous magician is asked:
- You write in the advertisement "I will return my husband. The result is 100%." How do you do it?
- Naturally, you have to share with your husband so that he will return at least for three days ...

- Do not go there. In the afternoon there dogs are lowered.
- And at night?
- And at night they inflate.

- Yesterday, the drug addict got into the bag on the bus, I didn’t notice at first, then I opened the bag - it was sitting ...

- And now you are watching the famous Egyptian pyramids, which ...
- Comrade guide - is it true that a camel can not breathe for three minutes?
- No, it's not true.
- Lech! Lyokha !!! Let him go! Let go !!!

- A kindest person, when everyone kicked me, he came up, said - what are you bitches doing, and started beating with your hands ...

The director of the Moscow zoo came to the capital many years ago with one jerboa in his pocket ...

- Gingerbread man wounded! He lost a lot of dough!
- Baker! Is there a baker in the room?

Conversation of ensigns:
- Hear, Mikola, what a nightmare I had at night. As if I was an alternative ensign on an alternative service.
- So what?
“And the fact that I’ve been dragging everything from my house to the army warehouse until the morning.”

Don Juan would never have had so many amorous victories, if he had only one talent - how to bind any woman to himself, and there would be no talent, how to get rid of any.

- Wretched girl! They say you did Fedka a blowjob yesterday at the beach? !!!
- What are you, mom ?! He was bitten by a snake for his penis, and I sucked poison!

- Mama! Well, how many times do I tell you that my Vasya looks like a real playboy, not a plebeian?

"... theoretically, the kitten should be flattened with a hammer before serving, and the beak should be torn off with pliers ...".
R.S. It's about feeding them chicken heads ...

A man meets his ex-wife. She is interested in:
- How are you, how are you?
A man answers:
“You know, yesterday I was in bed with one girl, I used to remember you all the time.”
- What, missed me?
- No, this is not to end too quickly ...

- For the first time I fell in love with kindergarten. She was in ridiculous bows and pink golfiki, and I came for my son ...

- Any garbage climbs into the head, - the prostitute thought, having made a blowjob.

Passive insectophilia:
- Zayebali these mosquitoes.
Active insectophilia:
- I fucked these mosquitoes.

Articles from the Abkhazian women's glossy magazine "Fatima":
- Three in the quarter. How to explain to her husband?
- Properly cook hominy. Tips Jennifer Lopez.
- How beautiful tan and not disgrace the family.
- Where better to go relax in the summer? Schedule of minibuses.
- Hydrogen peroxide and other beauty secrets.
- The difference with her husband is 90 years - and you do not know a single song of Utyosov! Councils of elders.
- It seems to you that you are being exploited? User's manual.
- How to determine by ears what struggle your husband was engaged in.
- 17 ways to not be stolen.
- How to resist the temptation to turn around when you whistle.

Two employees of the company vypytyvayut third, how his boss he twice raised the salary. One says:
- I now began to come to work an hour earlier and leave it an hour later
- and at least that, no reaction!
- And I work without lunch and began to give out products 2 times more - and it's nothing !!!
- Yes, everything is simple, guys! My wife congratulated the chef on her birthday, congratulated ... later ... on ... oh, you fucking !!!

Stroll Natasha Rostov with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
“Strange,” says Rzhevsky, “why are arbors called arbors, and not otherwise?”
- Because in them, as a rule, they talk ...
- No, Natasha! In them, as a rule, fuck ...

Comes to the mail man, sends the transfer. That is, fills out a piece of paper, writes in the address and name of the recipient, lays out the amount. At the other end of the telegraph wire comes a lady to transfer, and it turns out that the name of the translation is Elena, but in fact her name is Anna. Everything converges, but not the name. In such cases, the post office will contact the sender for details. That is, call him home. And the woman takes the phone.
Her straight text: they say, what is the name of the lady, whom you sent the money to?
“No,” says Madame, “we could not send, we have no acquaintances in this city.”
- How so? Petrov Ivan Ivanovich lives at this address?
- Yes, this is my husband!
- And say you did not send. Here you sent!
Well, and then the full alignment - what date, from which department, to which address and to whom.
And in half an hour the man calls.
“Why are you,” he says, “create?” Laid me in full alignment!
- Yes, you have a mistake here, - they answer, - you wrote the name Elena, and she is Anna.
- So her name is ANNA? !!

If vodka ends before two - it means that there was no third with you!
Why is a mermaid a girl with a tail, and a mermaid is Russian aluminum like that at once ?!
If the crap climbs into the head - it means that it is good ...
With a slight movement of the hand the dance floor turns into a ring!
Depression is when you feel insanely lonely with group sex ...
Dynamic women are women in whom the bitchy side of their nature constantly dominates the damn thing.
Mother-in-law is the best pimp, because her daughter's client is always wrong.
Masturbation is not a perversion, but a grueling workout ...
Fast response successfully compensates for his lack of tact.
If the spouse lay down with a bad mood, and got up with a good one - ask who dreamed of him.

A number of price tags on the market:
Beef. Pork. Mutton. Marinin

A man enters the weapon shop and addresses the seller:
- Do you trade cartridges?
- We trade.
- Do you trade with delivery?
- We trade.
- Then deliver 5 rounds to that citizen.

- How much are the apples?
- $ 70.
- Is it so expensive?
- I know nothing, I have debts!

The boy is passing by a customs officer in uniform with a case:
- Uncle, what about your diplomat?
“The smuggling case, boy.”
- Why does it gurgle?
- Because it has not yet been solved!

- Dear - more, more!
-... already ...

Philip translated from Greek means "loving horses" ...
I personally do not care, but in front of Pugacheva and Stotskaya uncomfortable.

Russian to the Latvian says:
- One of these days all Russians from Latvia will be expelled without exception ...
- ABOUT! Finally!
- The neutron bomb will experience ...

The sex change operation was successful.
I am pretty.

- Hi! Where do you work?
- Nowhere!
- What are you doing?
- Nothing!
- Good job!
- Yes. But competitors got it!

- I like to walk through the dark night streets.
- Romantic!
- Not. Maniac!

According to the Central Internal Affairs Directorate, last night, as a result of careless handling of women, two children happened in the city.

In one Cape Town family, the fourteenth child was born. Tired parents called it "Last." However, this did not help and a fifteenth year was born.
This is called "Postscript".

She told a friend. She came to visit her country house with friends. Went out for a walk and see the neighbors in the courtyard of the basset. She says:
- What a cool basset.
In response (from the hostess):
- Well, thank God, at least someone knows, otherwise all the neighbors say "What a fat dachshund."

Two new Russians met.
- Well, how are things with your young wife?
- Still alright...
- What does mean bye ?!
- As long as I have money ...

On the eve of the Victory Day, the leaders of the CIS signed a historic Declaration on humanitarian cooperation ...
What else could they sign?
The act of surrender? ...

- Girl, are you unmarried?
- Yes ... for the second time ...

- Girl, did anyone tell you that you are the most beautiful, the smartest and the most beautiful?
- Not...
- First nah!

- Latvia demands to reconsider the results of the Second World War ...
- And let them re-tell them!

- If my father as a child didn’t show me the tricks of a street fight, I’d like to be brained yesterday! And just on an empty box sounded!

“Defendant, you must tell the truth, and nothing but the truth.”
- True, true, true, true, true!

Russian-Ukrainian customs.
- Is that fat? Not allowed to take out!
- Skip it, pan officer! My friend has a pig in an accident. The doctor said only urgent fat transfer would help, the third group. And only my pig has such fat ...

Financiers, firemen and cops staged a competition who dug into the ground more telegraph poles per day ... At the end of the day, it turned out that financiers dug 75 poles, firemen - 91, and cops - only 3.
When they were asked how so, the cops in chorus answered:
- Well, because others are not completely dug them !!!

What? Where? When?
Find one Kazakh surname in the hockey team of Kazakhstan at the 2005 World Championships.

- I'll come for you and whistle from below ... Or I will link ... Or breathe!

- Mom, buy a dog!
- Not!
- Well, buy it!
- I said no! Sell ​​it to someone else!

- What is a dirty whore different from a decent girl?
- A decent girl first takes in her mouth - and only then you fuck her in the ass. Dirty whore first fucked in the ass - and then she takes in her mouth ...

Mother talking on the phone with her son:
- Son, did you remember to turn on the compressor in the fish?
- Of course I did not forget - the third mode, mashed potatoes ...

- Sash, well, you're just a farmer!
- Why ?!
- Yes, as you meet a girl, immediately you go to show her your farm ...

- Hey! Yesterday Kolyan bear scared off the den!
- How did you know?
- For excrement!
- Bear?
- Kolya!

Anatomy exam. Student:
- Uh-uh! Mmmmmm! To the male internal organs are! uh uh! h flax!
Professor, it is malicious:
- Uh, girl, this is for you it is INTERNAL, and for a man - OUTSIDE!

A man brings to work a pack of photos - show colleagues. All photos are made on the hunt. The guy excitedly tells how far they drove, how they lived for several days in field conditions, how much booze was bought. The photographs show who had the equipment.
Colleagues are interested in:
- Well, was there any kind of booty?
- Yes, the hare.
- One hare?
- Yes. We accidentally asked him. When we went there, he sighed under the wheels, a sick one!

Democracy is the ability to choose your own slave owners.
My husband returned from fishing - and his wife said to him: “Go, check - didn’t you catch something!”.
Do not think badly of all at once. Think in turns.
Before you need to set realistic goals. For the realization of the unreal there are subordinates.
In fact, the disappearance of her husband excited ... two neighbors.
In Odessa hospitals have solved the problem of heating - patients with high temperatures are forced to cough in the radiator.
Acquire the Criminal Code - the most detailed price list of extreme entertainment!
A woman is like a height: after her conquest, a man begins to descend.
You are young, lucky, confident. You go to the library, get carried away
dancing: you - goof!
Sobriety is our norm of life, measured in the number of unfinished glasses.
"Full ass" does not always mean "worse than ever" - many even like it ...

A series of "The funniest books": now all the edible mushrooms of Russia are for sure.
2nd edition, revised.

- Valentina, where were you born?
- I was born in the family of Ivanovs, we had repair at this time.

- Mitya, in dealing with girls need tenderness and affection, and in your case also gratitude.

- All this is somehow suspicious. Do you have a lie detector?
- Now it is washed from the blood. and he is ready to go again.

Interview with the rector of the paid university.
- Tell me, they say, do you learn some mediocrity and slobs with a tight purse?
- Well, basically, yes!
- A sensible come across?
- Well, of course! As they say, the family has a black sheep!

Belarusian oppositionists have not yet decided on their name.
“revolutions”: either the potato revolution, or the chip revolution.

- What does your dog eat?
- Yes, yesterday, I bit the knee over that guy.
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappy" with the taste of his knees over that man.

- Sanya, where are you working now?
- Nowhere.
- And by whom?

- Tell me, will there be a meeting of men suffering from premature ejaculation?
- Yes, here - but it ended an hour earlier ...

In the "Resurrection" on the exercises on "Civil Defense" with "Otpetymi scammers" occurred "accident" - "Leg cramped", and in the first-aid kit only "Viagra".
If it were not for "Dr. Watson" - would go to the "Crematorium" ...

An old Zhigul crashes into a cool foreign car. A joyful man crawls out of the Zhiguli and stumps a policy of an auto-citizen who comes to his rescue
- I did everything right!
- Well, it's you well done, of course! And now let's go to your hut to watch ...

Last night, citizen S., climbing an escalator, gazed at an advertisement, lost her guard, and then the irreparable happened: she bought herself this sheepskin coat!

Recently, a young scientist A. in a study of the properties of marijuana, right in his apartment, found several men in police uniform.

Father on call. A strict, attentive man will come to the school director and hear a complaint against the client.

In one of Minsk universities was a teacher by the name of Nickel. And to him a certain girl comes to standings, who had never attended the classroom. It is difficult to get credit from a teacher you see for the first time in your life.
A question for fellow students: "What is Nickel's middle name?" Fellow students are kind (and funny) people, they say.
Scene in oil.
- Wolfram Molybdenovich - put, please, offset ...

- Well, the alignment! This I have not seen! - the preference player was surprised, looking at the porn site.

- What should be done to airborne day passed quietly?
- Assign it to June 25th. Maybe even a crowd of drunken graduates will stop this madness ...

For bosses!
Before offending a programmer, calculate whether your stupid ambitions are worth such expenses for your company when it wants to offend you!

- Dear, could you change me with another woman?
- Persuaded ...

Zhanna Aguzarova will attend a kindergarten in late May ...
Psychologists are already working with children!

- Hello Anton! Listen, my brother has a problem ...
- Like a brother ?! You have a sister. I lit her at the disco yesterday ...
- So I say - my brother has a problem ...

- Listen, and Zhirinovsky - is he from Almaty?
- I already apologized last time ...

Mission Control Center. The astronaut gets in touch:
- MCC !!! What's happening?!! The ship is removed from the Earth !!!
Flight Director:
- Vasya! .. Excuse me ... Well ... the inconsistency came out! ..

Young people in moments of intimacy. She is:
- How beautiful you are with me! Do you know how nice it is to have sex with a handsome man?
He paused a little:
- Not! I only came across freaks!

Divorced girlfriends view an inflatable man at a sex shop window:
- I do not understand what attracts you to inflatable men?
- Kaif hang this inflatable bastard for the dildo to the chandelier!

In the store a man buys a fishing rod. One looked another. Went through all that was, but did not choose anything suitable.
Tired seller:
- Listen - maybe you better take the fish?

- How did Stradivari make his great violins?
- Luck was cooking.
- Well?
- And smelled.

In a public toilet ...
- Kohl, come here, it's shallow here!

I go to my mother's bedroom once, and in her bed my boss is!
I was shocked ... And only a minute later I remembered that I was working at my father's company.

There is a lesson in school. The topic of the lesson is "How my grandmother fought against the fascists."
Masha gets up and says:
- My grandmother was a nurse and saved the lives of 10 wounded soldiers, pulling them out of the battlefield ...
Pavlik gets up and says:
- My grandmother was a teacher and saved the lives of 30 first-graders, taking them out from under the bombing ...
Little joke rises:
“And my grandmother was in the enemy's rear and infected 100 German soldiers with syphilis!”

September 1 at school. The lesson of the Russian language and literature.
- Hello children! My name is Ivan Vasilyevich, I am your new teacher of Russian language and literature ... This year I will try to convey to you all that beautiful and pure that exists in our beautiful Russian. We will try to understand with you the high syllable of Pushkin, the subtle and sparkling humor of Griboedov’s works, to appreciate the deep meaning of Gogol’s remarkable works ... fucked, and if they do not suck in a specific topic with a swoop, then they will have a serious swing on the owner's carpet!

Previously, people blamed everything inexplicable on otherworldly forces, now on Photoshop.
If women ruled the world, then there would be no war - but every 28 days there would be very fierce negotiations ...
Women's vintage rate: all in and out for free, you only need to marry her.
If a woman is especially trying to show where her legs grow from - it means she just needs to hide where her arms grow from.
No one will condemn a woman like the two together - the third ...
The ideal woman, she is like a quarter: 90,60,90 and another 10 grams of bonus from above.
There is a question. Why do only 64 bottles of beer fit in a 160-liter refrigerator?
Moron advertising is not done by morons, it is done for morons.
He was so cool that his own shadow shied away from him.
Neutral smell is just like nothing stink ...

- Want to have a beautiful slim figure in the spring?
- Yes, by the spring, in the old days I managed to fuck at once two excellent beautiful slender figures at once.

One happy owner of Opel told:
- If you put it (Opel) on a quiet night in a dark and dark forest and listen - you can hear how it rots ...

- What are you, cut your hair?
- No, I washed my head.

I go to my mother's bedroom once, and in her bed is my boss!
I was shocked...
And only a minute later I remembered that I was working at my father’s company.

Spring. Forest. Talk Mowgli and Bagheera.
- Bagheera, what's wrong with me? I want to run far, far away, hide deeply deep, sit quietly ... Maybe this is love?
- No, Mowgli - it began the spring recruitment ...

- This is Anya, she lost the apartment in a win-win lottery.

From life.
... in the TVC news channel (I think):
There is a report about some kind of flower show in Moscow. In the same place there passes fashion show with furnish of clothes from every flower and blades of grass. And at the end of the correspondent gives the phrase:
"The main thing in the understanding of beauty and harmony in this world is a magnificent combination of grass and paper ...".

- Do you suffer from dandruff, dry and brittle hair?
- No, I'm used to it!

New action from the Ministry of Interior:
- Confess to committing two crimes, and the third one will be hung on you for free!

Bought a new meat grinder ...
Yesterday my wife and I tried. I finally understood what the phrase means: “Explain to me on the fingers how it works” ...

- What do you have on your personal front?
- I still do not earn so much to finance more and personal front ...

- Girl, and what are you all in white?
- I give up!

Let the snot ring in the nose
But still I feel the fifth point
What will be the night shorter than the day
Spring will come, buds will swell -
And the girls will undress, enticing,
Tights will be replaced by stockings,
And they will delight me again
Bras tricky lock ...

“And you don’t have to know me, just turn your back on me, and to the forest in front ...”

How do you not know the difference between erotica and pornography?
Erotica is 1600x1200, but 320x200 is pornography!

During the scandal at a press conference with a journalist from Rostov, Philip Kirkorov, without even waiting for it, stole half the songs from the Leningard group.

- Remember, son, not everything in life can be achieved with fists. Sometimes you have to take a good stick in your hands!

Soon on Channel One!
New series "Star and fuck!".
Starring Philip Kirkorov.

- To me, please, half a watermelon.
- Easily - this is a male ...

The new priest asks the parishioner how she likes his sermons.
- Amazing! You can say we knew nothing about sin until you came to us ...

Under the dictation of the victim record the damage from the apartment theft:
-... and a bottle of vodka.
- What, and a bottle of vodka taken away? The protocol did not seem to be specified ...
- No, we drank it with grief.

- The longest sex is fixed between citizen Kukuyev and the gearbox from his VAZ-2105 car.

- What does a woman do in the morning with her ass?
- She makes an ass sandwich and sends him to work.

My mother-in-law just hates my mobile phone with voice dialing
- whenever I get rudely cut on the road, the phone obediently dials the number.

... Recently, Vladimir Zhirinovsky visited a kindergarten. As he later stated in the prosecutor’s office, the children were the first to start a fight ...

- Comrade General, they removed the sentry there, now they are coming to you!
- Who ?!
- correspondents NTV.

A ninth-grader is trying to master an eighth-grader at the entrance.
She is:
- Stop doing that! Only not here. We are not first graders.

The dude bursts into the mentovka and states:
- I was attacked by the Tajiks, they took away the money and mobile phone !!!
- How were they dressed?
- In national Tajik costumes.
- More precisely!
- Yellow jackets with orange sleeves. And on the back is the inscription: "Spetsstroy LLC."

One woman tells her friend:
- My husband and I now live in French: he sleeps in one room, and I - in another. When he needs me, he rings the bell ...
- So you can sleep and not hear?
- No, I'm standing around the door all the time and listening ...

- Son, get up!
- Well, another hour, mom?
- What an hour, the pimp came for her already!

The guy, picking his index finger in the nose, is suitable during a disco to a standing girl.
- Let's dance?
- With such - I do not dance!
The guy flicks the bastard with a finger:
- Why is it so?

We sit in the evening at home. Suddenly the light blinked and turned off. I take a flashlight, pliers, a screwdriver, go to the panel. Opened the flap cover (do not be afraid, I'm an electrician), I see that the wire has fallen off from the clip. Works for three minutes ...
And then a neighbor throws out of a neighboring apartment (they recently moved in, I was not yet familiar with it). Came up, looking. Asks what I'm going to do.
I say that I unscrew the screw, insert the wire and clamp it. He takes the pliers from me, grabs the wire with them, presses them to the point of contact!
Sparks, smoke - but the wire welded. Neighbor with a great feeling done
- Well, now you can call emergency gang - I am a welder ...

The journalist came to do an interview with Stevie Wonder and asked:
- Sorry for such a personal question, but tell me: you do not feel any inferiority complexes due to the fact that you are blind?
Stevie Wander:
- What are you, what complexes ?! I’m blind since birth, so I don’t even understand what it is to be able to see ... It would have been much worse if I were a black man!

If you cut a triangle in half, you get two half-corners ...
Real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night long - and they do not understand you.
The first sign of mushroom poisoning is the blueing of a corpse.
The man is naive! He believes what he thinks, and thinks he believes.
Pessimists can also be wrong, but always well.
And if atheism becomes the world religion?
For a good co-author of two authors give.
There are no good or bad heroes in porn movies about homosexuals. There are only pretty and nasty.
Not a single man can distinguish a real brunette from a natural blonde if they have shaved their heads off, turned off the lights in the room, climbed under a blanket and locked the door from him.
This is not for the hands, this is not for the legs - it's a dildo!

- But is UFOology a science or a religion?
- This is business!

Bank A proposes a new form of microcredit, “To be sober”.
The pledge can serve as a glass container ...

Bush resents:
- The Vatican challenged political correctness: the new Pope is not a woman, not a Jew, and not black!

- Bitch! - thought two women, with a sweet smile, looking into each other's eyes ...

- Hello! Management of railways? Urgently send a psychologist to the Kursk railway station.
- And what happened?
- The train started moving...

Protestants argue:
- Women will go to heaven too!
- No, they will not fall!
- Why?
- Because it is written: "And there was silence in heaven for half an hour."

A traffic cop asks a driver who has just made a run over. The driver is trying to justify himself:
- And then this goat ka-ak will jump on the road! I immediately ka-a-ak ... this ...
Traffic cop:
- Signaled?
- Not! It...
- shouted?
- Well no! It!
- slowed down?
- No! It! Oh! Sobered up!

- Girl, and let's have sex on brotherhood?
- How do you imagine that?
- Very simple. First, make love, then we kiss, and then move on to "you."

- Mama! Dad on the river fish poisoned!
- What other fish ?! There are no fish in our river ...
- I do not know - but the neighbors say that the ruff ...

Sent to Odessa:
- Where is the toilet?
- Why do you need it?

There are two international journalists, one complaining to another:
- It’s absolutely impossible to work, lawlessness is everywhere: in Delhi - they were undressed, on the Australian mainland - they were harassed, in Guadeloupe - they beat out! Well, how are you?
- Better not ask! Just back from Adjara!

“Why don't crocodiles fly?”
- Have you seen our flight attendants ?!

- They say you are divorcing your grumpy wife?
- Yes, here is the adjustable wrench home fiber!

In Moscow - Mosenergo.
In St. Petersburg - Lenenergo.
In Kherson, too, there is energy ...

Set "Petrik's Cup".
A set for a young biologist, which actually includes a cup and strains of various non-dangerous viruses.

Jesus is walking on the water. Next to him is floating one of the apostles, saying:
- In vain are you, teacher ... Water today, like fresh milk!

In Moscow, everything is so expensive! "Lombardzhini Diablo" buy 500 thousand dollars worth. For comparison, we have a kilogram of buckwheat in Perm - 12 rubles.

My friend has a mobile phone ringing, the name of the subscriber “Give money!” Is displayed.
- Who called it? - I ask.
- Daughter ...

New Slavic name:
Vsekhnakhposlav !!!

A prostitute comes to the traffic police and says:
- Hey, Major, I need the rights!
- What other rights do you have in your profession?
- How what? Category "B" of course!

Two women talk:
- Yesterday I opened the closet, and there my mole woolen jacket ate.
- This is nothing, here I had hemp, so my son spent his whole smoke ...

A man comes into the store, refers to the seller:
- Do you have a record?
- There is. What year is your album?

I saw myself:
Mother traveled with her little son in full bus and were silent all the way ...

- Where were you?
- In the morgue at the autopsy.
- So how?
- Did not give!

The American is weighed on automatic scales, which also print the horoscope on the card. His wife pulls out a card.
- John, it says here that you are smart, handsome, rich and like women ...
Flips the card.
- Weight, by the way, also distorted!

Under the motto "The bullet is a fool, the bayonet is good," the Russian biathletes won the most spectacular victory of the season ...

- What are you, with all the girls that you hang on the wall, slept ?!
- What are you, I read all ten shelves of books at home ?!

If you make four mistakes in the word "bread", the word "beer" will turn out, but sometimes one error is enough to make the word "fucked up" out of the word "session" ...

Japanese developers have received a private foreign order to make a robot who knows how to soak in a bath, sing a seven-stringed guitar, drive fast, use foul language and swallow vodka in one gulp ...
The nationality of the customer is kept in the strictest confidence!

One of the Vatican cardinals is asked:
- Who will be the new Pope?
- I can not say ... but I know for sure who will not ...
- Who ?!
- Petersburg has few chances ...

Newlyweds. The wedding night. Spouse comments: "FIRST NAH!".

A man came to the store and asked to show him the perfume, he wants to make a gift to the girl. Seller him:
- Here is a wonderful, delicate flavor, called "Maybe" Cost 10,000 rubles per bottle.
- "May be"?! Yes, I'll buy Vaseline "We are all yours" for 10,000!

Cafe, at the counter with an incomprehensible goal hanging around a company of drunken youngsters.
They clearly have no money to continue the banquet. And the mood is accordingly aggressive and outgoing. Saleswoman tells them:
- Get away from the rack!
In reply:
- Who do you call this crap ???

Photographer Sidorov gave up the Western habit of offering people to say “chi-and-i”.
From his own experience, he knows that a smile turns out to be much more natural if the people being photographed say “heh-ee-er to you” ...

Wait! You're under the arrow. Now the crane operator should aim ...
When I’m old I’ll go to my grandchildren as in the 80s I went to my relatives in Ukraine without a passport, customs, prints and checking the anus ...
A good half of Russian traffic cops take bribes, and the evil half also takes away rights.
Win-win lottery means that without losing, in any case, you will not leave.
Oh, what Jennifer Popts!
Russia does not turn its face to either the West or the East.
In order not to substitute anyone's ass ...
If your mistress is sleeping with your lover, then you are a pervert!
Music was still playing in his ears for a long time - no one had guessed to remove the headphones from the corpse.
Say "Hello everyone!" when meeting with a pregnant woman - this is a bad form.
And to reach out to both of them ...
A real Russian roulette: change one to a particularly sensitive one in a pack with extremely strong condoms!

The inscription on the door at the entrance:
"Do not close the doors, waiting for prostitutes."

- Next! Why did you decide!
- Because I live there!
- So you are not ours? Why speak our language so well?
- Because I used to be yours, then I went there.
- Why did you come back here?
- I felt nostalgic, I wanted to see my homeland.
- Why are you leaving?
- I've seen my homeland, I want to feel nostalgic!

The teacher takes away from the student "Playboy":
“I want to see your parents tomorrow.”
- And what to wait tomorrow? Won - Page 42-43.

- Bill, I'm already rather tired of protecting you from the attacks of your whores in front of the whole country!
“Hillary, do you think it is a pleasure for me to lie to the whole world that I have gotten this stupid dog for myself?”

Masha Rasputina exceeded 60.
Over the top 90 has passed three years ago.
And for the bottom 90 - in the last century!

According to reports from Kyrgyzstan, the revolution nevertheless achieved its goal - the people got new TVs.
The next revolution is scheduled for 2020, the year when they stop showing these TVs ...

Consumables, you say ...
Ammo, or what?

An employee comes to the head and says:
- I have been working here for 25 years, and I have never been paid a salary!
- That is why you managed to work here for 25 years ...

Women's trick can work wonders!
So, the desire of one bride to justify extramarital pregnancy has created a world religion.

The husband gave his wife a ride in his car. When several hours passed, he began to worry and went out on the road.
“Listen,” he asked a passing friend, “have you seen my wife?”
“I saw, I saw,” answered an acquaintance, “right there, at the edge of the forest, she collected some kind of scrap metal.

On the issue of regional unification ...
Yesterday, finally, the Northern Territories issue was settled.
Japan became part of the Kuril Islands.

It turns out that a lion can perform up to 50 acts of love per day ...
A kind of big predatory rabbit.

He did not want to go to the garden. And then the mother said she would cut off his head.
Look at the video - "In the garden without a head!"

- What is a lot of money?
- This is when taxes are enough.

- Why did a man have an inner voice?
- To express everything that he thinks about his boss, looking into his insolent, shameless eyes.

4 stages of intoxication:
Came ... crawled ... They brought ... They brought, but not there!

- How can you believe that a hare, a pig and a dog of 30 years alone can carry a children's television show on themselves?

The World Organization "Doctors Without Borders" has finally opened its branches in our country.
In Siberia - "Doctors without a salary."
In the Bryansk region - "Doctors without tools and medicines."
And in the village of Punkino - "Hospital without doctors."

In order to mitigate the effects of the economic crisis, the creators of the TV show “To Yourself Director” started shooting a new cycle of educational and entertainment programs: “Myself Hairdresser”, “Myself Tailor”, “Yourself Dry Cleaning”, “Yourself Dentist”, “Sam imagine a surgeon, "Himself crematorium."
For the lonely at night, the program “To Yourself Sexual Partner” will be aired.

The inscription on the doors of the student toilet:
"Department of urination and feces".

Doctor to the patient:
“Now you will take this medicine for the rest of your life.”
- And while I take it, I will live?
- Not. As long as you live, you will take it.