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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

From life.
I walk along the street, I pass by the store "Goods for newborns."
All kinds of sliders, shoes, toys and photographs of smiling little ones are hung in the window.
And above all this is an inscription that just killed me: "Fly in - you won’t regret it!"

The saleswoman in the store, having received a large bill from the buyer:
- Man, you will not have other money ?!
- Do not croak, damn it!

- Son, my mother and I have a present for you. In the spring you will have a brother.
- Again this fool is released from prison!

- Why does an Israeli come to an end quickly?
- In a hurry to tell friends.

“Why are you late for work again?”
- He took the kids to kindergarten.
“But you had no children!”
- Alas! I used to think so naively too.

Riddle: Lies at the bottom, stirs with a mustache.
Guess: Chapaev.

- What temperature do you prefer on vacation: forty degrees Celsius, or Fahrenheit?
- According to Mendeleev!

Kissing, kissing Ivan Tsarevich sleeping princess, but she does not wake up.
So sleeping and fucked.

A man comes into the grocery store and asks the saleswoman:
- Girl, tell me - how much does that dick cost?
Saleswoman with bulging eyes:
- What ???
- Sorry, I thought.

- Is it warm to you, girl, is it warm to you, red?
- Warm, grandfather - but shame-oh-oh!

- Oh, well, what are you standing on the doorstep - do not be shy, go to the dick!

A girl comes out of the bathroom and tells Vovochka:
- You have two towels hanging in your bathroom: one under the letter "M", the other under the letter "F". I took the one under the letter "F". I understood correctly, "F" - for women, "M" - for men.
- No, "M" is for the face!

At school, children are asked who wants to become whom.
- I want to treat people. I want no one to be sick. I want our people to be the healthiest and strongest in the world ... Therefore, I will go to study at a medical university!
- I want to feed people. I want no one to starve. I want our land to be the most fertile and richest in the world ... Therefore, I will go to study at the Agricultural Institute!
Little Johnny:
- And I want to not do a dick, but get real money for it! I want to put on everyone, even the president! I want to not pay taxes - and so that no one even dares to touch my finger! Therefore, I will go to study at a theological seminary !!!

From the television interview of the collective farmer Praskovya Ivanova:
- Probably, I can never forget a meeting with the leader of the Soviet people, Comrade Stalin! In 1949, he came to our city - and we, first-graders, were taken to a meeting. We handed over flowers to the Leader - and then the most significant event in my life happened. Stalin took me in his arms and said unforgettable words in his native Georgian language ... Although I do not understand the meaning - I still wrote them down and even memorized them by heart. Here they are: "Oh ra mdzime har she grandfather shook"!
Simultaneous translation into Russian: "What a heavy you are, fuck your mother."

A real hunter will determine the age of the bear by the number of suckers on its paws.
Non-nicotine cigarettes: smoke after non-alcoholic vodka, feel like a hopeless sucker!
Maturity can be found by the annual rings on the cut horns ...
What can a foreigner think about the sexual inclinations of Russians when he knows what part of their body they mean by the word “fuck”?
Russian athletes out of habit took bronze, because silver and gold
- This is a completely different article ...
Life develops in a spiral, and in a spiral it is prevented.
It’s bad to know a lot of jokes: when you don’t remember, and when someone tells you, it’s not funny.
Between one place of work and another, the distance is just some 4-5 cm, and the name of the specialist is no longer a gynecologist, but a proctologist!
Chechen on the plane - fuck you omen ...
Do you have problems with rodents?!? Knock out their teeth - and you will have problems with the suckers! ..
A promising sport for future Olympics: bullet firing from a Kalashnikov rifle at the running judges of the previous Olympics.

A student brings a girl from a wealthy family to her dormitory.
She, of course, is shocked by the situation, is afraid to touch objects ...
He sees this and says:
- Come on, don’t be afraid ... Come in, sit down on the bed ...
- On the bed??? Yes, it probably bugs !!!
- What bugs ?! Cockroaches ate them a long time ago ...

Super offer for extremals!
Russian roulette with Aeroflot !!
Every 6th plane crashes !!!

- I want to sing, dance, love, breathe easily ... Is it spring, Balu?! ..
“These are mushrooms, Mowgli!”

And when I was being prepared to pass the exam for the right, they taught me to enter the garage according to the Brazilian system:
... in the open field ...
... between two things ...
... which were held by dad and mom ...
Try to miss here!

“Son, on the day you come of age, I have to tell you an important thing.”
- Which one? ..
- You are not my son, you are my daughter!

There is such a word - "must."
There is still such a phrase - "Yes it all went to fuck!" ...

- What is needed to build democracy in a single country?
- First you need to bomb her.

In the evening, four more headless male corpses were sent to the morgue from the film studio. The tired director went outside, breathed in the spring air and, smiling at some of his thoughts, whispered: "There should only be one ...".
... Casting for a major male role in the film "Highlander Returns"
went on.

Two friends are talking:
- Your husband began to drink? Yesterday I talked with him, he puffed me in the back of my head with such a fume!

Dental clinic advertising:
"Dental treatment by the Klitschko brothers method."

- What is unconventional sex in Russian?
- This is sex without vodka.

The psychedelic phantasmagoria presented by the author reveals to the reader the dialectic existentiality of postcoital abstinence syndrome, when the individual is not able to selectively abstract from the laminated inherent deviant asberrations, thereby providing a vivid example of the convergence of destructive mentality and permanently cognitive creativity.
The book is recommended for home reading in 1 - 3 classes of elementary school.

Entertainer: "The next artist does not need to be presented. I even think he does not need to perform."

New Leninist calculations and calculations to his famous formula were discovered:
"Communism is Soviet power plus the electrification of the whole country."
Further, the leader continues: "... In this case, electrification is regulated by current, and communism and Soviet power - by current by force."

"Good must be with fists!" - the prosperous peasantry was mistaken in the late 1920s.

- What is 7UP?
- These are the seven men who took Viagra.

He meets an American Serb after the war and asks:
“How much is one of your cruise missiles?”
“I don't know for sure, but about a million.”
“What idiots you are after all!” It was necessary to throw off cash, we ourselves would kill each other!

- All men are bastards and scum!
“And even me?”
- And even you !!!
- Hurrah! I am a man! Man !!!

In the daycare:
- Zaur! Have you come unshaven again?

- I bought a Scottish shepherd dog, and it scares the neighbors so much ...
- What, barks out loud?
“She doesn't bark at all!” But this plaid skirt and bagpipes ...

“Why are you late for work again?”
- He took the kids to kindergarten.
“But you had no children!”
- Alas! I used to think so naively too.

“Girl, did you accidentally step on a bear in your ear?”
“By the way, I have a very good ear.”
- Yes, what does the rumor have to do with it - look in your ear ...

A man goes home by car, suddenly once - a hare jumps out onto the road.
A man on the brakes, unscrewed the wheel - barely circled ...
He goes on, since the deer runs out onto the road, the man again brakes to the floor - he stopped just before the deer ...
He goes further, and then a bear is on the road! The man is on the brakes, but he can’t do anything already - broads, the car is shattered, the bear is lying dead ...
A man crawls out of a steaming car:
- Fuck, you had to crush the hare ...

Call to the apartment from the housing office:
- Does your toilet work? Well ... now three neighbors will come to you to shit ...

- Work, blacks - the sun is still high!
- This is not the sun, this is the moon!
- A NON-SKY !!!

Ivan Tsarevich inhibits the Sleeping Princess ...
She says through a dream to him:
“Is that you, Ivan Tsarevich, who will wake me?”
- No, I will not ... For others, I try ...

At the Bolshoi Theater a big kipish. Putin came to the premiere. Security guards everyone in black ...
And here Putin is sitting in the hall, and at that time the musicians and artists are launched one by one from behind the curtains through a metal detector. Terrible nervousness and tension reigns. And here comes the conductor and carries some kind of black box with buttons and a dial. The guard was already gasping - and immediately twisted the conductor.
And he shouts:
- What are you doing?! This is a talking digital metronome! I did it only yesterday by special order!
- Demonstrate.
He presses a button, something ticked in the box and said, “One, two, three, and four ...”.
They let him go on stage, and one guard says to another:
- You know, if this box said "four three two one" - I would probably crap ...

Don Juan goes to hell. The devil asks him:
- Where do you want - in a terrible room or terrible?
- And what is terrible ?!
He shows him - some kukryniksy - thick, pimple, wrinkled ...
- You are tied to a chair in this room - and you must satisfy each several times a day ...
- And in terrible?
He sees - in the room, several naked blondes with blue eyes are sexually walking like that ... Well, of course, I immediately lost my head and said:
- I want a terrible !!!
- Sure ?!
- Yeah !!!
... at that very moment he is tied to a chair and hears a voice from above:
- And in this room you have hands and feet tied and not one of them gives you t ...

My wife was born under the sign of the earth. I was born under the sign of water. Together we create dirt.
Counting money in someone else's wallet is much easier if you take it away.
To scoff at the man whom the wife left is possible only out of envy.
There are two troubles in Russia: fools and roads. When combined, tourists are obtained.
The most useless thing on earth is the fence in the cemetery! No one can go outside, and no one wants to go inside.
What is pleasant in America - no need to look for an exchanger.
The resistance of the conductor is usually less than the resistance of the conductor.
Those who go to bed early get married late.
Whoever hurts something, that heals others.
Just a couple of years ago, I scorned the blue ...
A new breed of service dogs has been bred - they can smell the lack of Moscow registration or registration in the crowd.
Real sailors do not say "This is shit," they say "It is unsinkable!".

- Good evening, young people! Let me introduce. Patrol service, sergeant Gorlenko. Stitching, cutting objects are available?
- Not!
- It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs?
- Yes, you probably already have enough, Comrade Sergeant ...

Phone call:
- Hello, dad! I got married!
- I don’t know anything ... So that I would be home no later than nine!

- Do you have processed cheese?
“What do you want?”
- Something sharp.
- Right now, rafting and sharpening!

The guy injured a finger on his hand and went to the doctor.
The doctor says:
- Undress.
- What for?! I just hurt my finger ...
Male voice from behind the screen:
- What's this! I generally came to fix the phone!

- Why do flies constantly rub their paws?
- They have on their paws the main erogenous zones ...

Bush tells Putin:
- You know, Vladimir, a lot of your compatriots are in our prisons!
- George, on our potato stalks your compatriots sits much more!

Nine-tenths of the world's population are sure that Columbus discovered America ...
One tenth is that the Vikings discovered it.
And it never occurs to anyone that the Indians discovered it!

Two Russian programmers are talking. One from a budget organization, the other from a commercial. The one from the commercial asks:
- What is your salary?
- Two hundred bucks.
- Fine. And how much do you give your wife?
- One hundred fifty.
- Well, you and greedy! I’m getting a hundred bucks according to the bill, and then I give my wife 10 times more!

The husband decided to visit his wife on a business trip. Arrived, immediately got into bed, violent sex, violent orgasm. From behind the wall screams:
- Well fuck quietly, please! I can’t sleep with you for five nights!

- Who is so appetizing crunches? Maybe Estrella chips?
- No - it's me, fucking, I crush cockroaches ...

Nescafe advertising:
... is your energy with you? Set her free!
- Dava-ah-ah, dava-ah-ah, the TV from the window throwing out-ah-ah! ..

Sidorov stole his wife from Ivanov. Ivanov was silent and married a second time.
Sidorov took away his second wife from Ivanov. Ivanov married a third.
In general, when Sidorov married Ivanov’s fifth wife, he could not stand it:
“Well, you bastard, are you taking all my wives?” Others also have wives!
And then Sidorov spread his arms and said:
- And what if I only trust your taste ?!

Morning of the working day. The traffic cop stops the 600th Merce:
- Inspector Ivanov. Have not eaten breakfast yet!
- Killer Petrov. Already at work.

- And now Dima will tell you the story "Case in the Forest", which he invented.
- I did not come up with anything. True, they were naked!

- How does a real man determine the moment of partner's orgasm?
- This man does not fuck!

From life.
Estonia is ahead of the rest!
They also introduced this crap, with a ban on the sale of alcohol at night ...
So they managed to arrange a rental of alcohol in their stores.
In short, take a pint, make a deposit, leave. Later it is necessary either to return the vodka, or to keep it, having lost the deposit.
Need I say that the guarantee is equal to the cost of the bottle?
By its legal nature, this is no longer a sale and therefore does not fall under the law on the restriction of trade in alcohol.

- Why are you so sad?
- Yes, I met a girl last night, we walked so cool, that's it - so she fucks cool ...
“So what, you can't forget her ?!”
- No ... remember ...

The wife scolds her husband after visiting the strip show:
“Not only did you put as much as 100 bucks under the gum of the dancer’s panties, you also looked there!”
- Sweet! I thought to find change there!

- For the past 14 years you have been constantly correcting me in everything! - the husband is indignant.
- 15 years old, dear, 15!

The most dreary and unpopular program “Parliamentary Hour” could become the funniest and most rated if it were given in the translation of the Goblin.

In any business, the main thing for us is quality and time. Therefore, at first we think for a long time how best to begin this, and then we finish it decisively and quickly.

I think that soon our native Duma will adopt a law on the replacement of education and health with preferential payments.

Mytishchi District Court has banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.

My wife had a false pregnancy. Now false children are running around the house.

Two parents in black slippers burst into the nursery last night, ordered everyone to lie facing the wall, and they themselves removed a large amount of computer consoles from the children's book.

A guy picking his index finger in his nose approaches a standing girl during a disco:
- Let's dance ?!
- I don’t dance with such people!
(flicking the booger from the finger with a click):
- Why is it so?

From life.
Yesterday a friend came to her wife. I hear a conversation in the kitchen:
- You see, this is the SALT of DESIRE such, FENG HUI is called ...
... Loaded the whole apartment ...
Fen Shui, fools !!!

Frenchman and German walk past the pond. At the water sits a girl with a fishing rod.
- Mademoiselle, you are charming against the backdrop of nature, you have a beautiful fishing rod, and by the way, how does it bite?
- Bites badly - forgot to take the bait ...
- Oh, mademoiselle - you’re sitting on such an attractive “bait”!
The girl laughed, the men went on ...
After some time, the German asks the Frenchman:
- Listen - how did you find out that she has worms ?!

Is it true that if a triangle with the letter установлен is installed on the car, then the Specialist drives the car?
The girl was so scary that the neighboring cats tried to bury her in the sandbox a couple of times.
A sober drunk is not a comrade, but a means of transportation.
All people cost differently. Like portraits on bills.
Gaskets - the art of making money even on menstruation.
A smoker dies from lung cancer, a pipe smoker dies from lip cancer, a non-smoker dies from all other cancers.
If you want to become a good oligarch, download oil and don’t pump rights.
Intuition is the ability of the head to smell with an ass.
Keep your mouth shut - ready.
A cultured person writes “finally” instead of “fuck you”.

In the dining car:
- Waiter, I've been waiting for beer for 200 kilometers ...

From life.
Today in the smoking room I heard the expression of one of our nurse:
- Incest is such a thing that you can do with the whole family ...
These are our funny little sisters ...

- You bought a sausage?
- Sausage ?! Did not drink!

The relationship at work resembles life on a sea reef - both there and there are sharks and small fish ...
The only difference is that arthropods surround you on a reef, and at work
- arthropods ...

From life.
Recently bought a daughter four-year-old coloring. There on each page are simple two-line rhymes about a painted animal.
So, under one cute kitten the following is written (I read my daughter aloud, with an expression, with all):
"Tied a bow on a pussy,
You better give a sausage. "
Reading stopped for a long time ...

- What does your dog eat?
- Yesterday I bit that guy over the knee.
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappie" with the taste of a knee over that guy ...

- Darling, are you something inhospitable and rude today ... Do you have pre- or post-menstrual syndrome?
- Vme-e-esto !!!

- Sun!
- What, cat?
- Little fish, make breakfast.
- Of course, a teddy bear.
- Thank you, swallow.
- Not at all, goat.
- I love you, pussy!
“Me too, bunny!”
- Wait a minute! You also don’t remember my name? !!

- I'm in the bar ... Someone to bring something?
- Bring me from there Lenya - I urgently need him ...

Two friends are talking:
- You understand, lately I somehow feel insecure ...
“Well, is there a reason ?!” What did he, for example - began to come home late? Or maybe some strange calls, or lipstick on a shirt?
- No, everything seems to be in order - but still somehow restless ...
- You know, darling - all men are divided into three categories: impotent, womanizer and homosexual ... So you just decide who suits you best ...

Mind a man does not understand
Powerless logic science.
If you surrender to him - he will say "whore"
But do not surrender - he will say "bitch".

Love fucking songwriter
when you sit fucking around the campfire.
When fucking we fucking together
sit fucking until the morning ...

During a plane crash over the tundra, Georgians fell into the soft snow along with their tangerines. He skidded and he freezes.
Rides past the Chukchi and sees - a new snowdrift! He takes out a blue-blooded Georgian, puts him in sledges and takes him to his plague. There he pours a glass of vodka and says:
- Are you Georgian? Then say a toast!
Shivering Georgian with a glass in his hand:
- If they tell me at home in hot weather - Givi, dear, let's drink some wine in a shade, where it is cooler - I’ll light up his mom !!!

There is no gender equality: peeping out women's panties from trousers is considered erotic, and peeping out men's panties from an unbuttoned fly is unpleasant.

The young man heard a startled scream and saw that someone was floundering in the sea among the waves. He rushed to the rescue and, diving several times under the water, pulled out a young beautiful girl who was barely breathing.
On the shore, the girl’s mother was already waiting for them. Looking sternly at the savior, she
“Young man, immediately explain to me why you have been under water for so long with my daughter!”

- Grandfather, what's your last name?
- Sidorov we.
“So you are many here?”
“No, I'm alone.” This is my last name: Sidorovym.

Switzerland. Alps. Expensive restaurant with a balcony over the precipice. A man in a suit sits at a table with a box of expensive Swiss chronometers and one tosses them down, thoughtfully observing the flight ...
Visitors are curiously asking the bartender what is going on.
- New Russian, gentlemen ... Melancholy! Watching how fast time flies ...

A medal is awarded to the mother heroine. Flowers, correspondents ...
“How many children do you have?”
- Eight.
- And age?
- 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.
- So, 6 years ago they decided that it was enough?
- Well no. Just bought a TV ...

After another report from biathlon, Dmitry Guberniev received a severe reprimand from the leadership of the Sport channel - he incorrectly indicated the terms of the menstrual cycles of our biathletes ...

- Why don't blacks eat chocolates?
- And they are afraid to bite off their fingers ...

- How did you celebrate Shrovetide?
- Wonderful! In the morning he burned a scarecrow of mother-in-law - she understood the hint and left in the evening.

“Defendant, what did you do with the hundred dollars you stole?”
“I spent it on Mary, a cabaret girl.”
- No need to deceive the court. Mary never takes more than five!

From life.
We are sitting, then, at a lecture on economics. The teacher - such an important Jew - for a long time displays some formulas on the board.
As a result, his result does not match the desired one, he begins to look for an error and
- Ah, here, here in the demand formula I lied ...
Suddenly, everyone in the audience is quiet and you can hear how grumbling from the back
- Oh, you old bastard ...

From life.
About how to influence people (Carnegie is resting).
A brother, a civilian, told me.
The picture is as follows. The plane, the flight is quite local, from Siberia to Siberia.
Before boarding, the stewardess, as expected, announces:
- Citizens passengers! Fasten your seat belts.
Well, the people, for the most part, are beginning to buckle up. A seven-by-eight-sized kid is sitting in the front row, and insolently ignores this reasonable demand.
The stewardess, looking at the child, repeats:
- Citizens passengers! Fasten your seat belts!
The reaction is zero again.
Then the phrase is repeated personally to him:
- Citizen! Fasten your seat belt !!!
In response should:
- Fuck you ...
Well, the girl, of course, was offended and went to complain to the commander.
A minute later, a comcor (a short stature, a dry little man, besides a lisp) flies out, jumps to this closet and says the following monologue:
- Music! Here you are! Now at the landing, if I tell a story, I’m sweeping past the strip, the plane will stop gazily, but here you are. Go ahead. And here you are, you fly the peg'e peg'ebog'ku (bends your fingers), the second peg'ebog'ku, tg'etu peg'ebog'ku and find yourself in my cabin. The question is - and you fuck me nuzen there?
The MAN SILENT fastens his seat belt. Salon in touch. A curtain.

In an outhouse, it's better to be a user than an admin ...
To spoil decent girls is much more pleasant than to correct whores!
Russians, congratulations to you! Pierre Narcissus runs out of visa!
"A rare woman will reach the middle of the river!" - joked Stepan Razin.
According to most women, a good person should be not only a lot, but also often.
Vitali Klitschko is accused of racism. There are videos where he hits blacks!
To drink is to harm health, and not to drink is to harm the state.
Tell me who your president is and I will tell you who these 70% are.
To whom life is a theater, and to whom a hanger.
Each hospital has two types of patients: some are seriously ill, others complain about food.
The ostrich does not hide his head in the sand, it is he who dooms him to substitute another place ...
In sports, megalomania helps poorly. But persecution mania helps well.
The meaning of life is needed in order to have something to think about in the toilet!

"The Mummy Returns" - a concert by Lyudmila Gurchenko.

- And I bought SuperMAZ yesterday.
- What for?
- You’re panicking, SuperMAZ is such a special maz, you smear it on your hand - and it’s very good.

- Pour in, dad.
- Baby, this is the third, you burst.
- ABOUT! For bursting!

- You put mushrooms?
A guest:
- No, thank you, I just love to pick mushrooms!
- As you wish! I can scatter it on the floor ...

- Boy, where are you from?
- I am from Moscow.
- Ha !! He’s from Moscow ... I’ve never seen you there!

- Darling - does your husband know that you are cheating on him?
- Mine ?! No ... And yours knows!

He enthusiastically:
- Wow!!!
She is embarrassed:
- I'm just taking it ...

From life.
The other day I was riding in a minibus, opposite me, my mother and daughter, a daughter from kindergarten, as I understand it, and she tells her mother:
- You see how clean my handkerchief is ...
Pulls out of pocket:
- Because I wiped the nozzles with my sleeve ...
Thought I'd crawl out of the chair ...

In an outhouse, it's better to be a user than an admin ...

“Lieutenant, how did you know my age ?!”
- On the annual rings, Madame, on your neck ...

Her light curls were knocked out from under a lace apron.

In the restaurant. Wife - to her husband (indignantly):
- I saw that while you were returning from the toilet back to the table, you touched all the waitresses for the asses!
Husband (condescending):
- Well what are you, dear - I just wiped my hands ...

- Where did you get such a wonderful watch?
- From the sister.
“But you have no sister.”
“Yes, but it is written on them.”

The son quarreled with his father and said to him:
- What a punishment to me with you! If you were not born, I would have inherited from my grandfather!

The father tells the adult daughter:
- There, near the house, your boyfriend awaits you.
- Yes? And how do you know, daddy, that this is my boyfriend?
“He has my favorite cufflinks on his shirt.”

- Gentlemen! Now I will read out articles on which the defendant was prosecuted earlier.
- Please, I do not mind. But so that later there would be no complaints, as if I had delayed the consideration of the case.

In the exercises to overcome the water barrier, the motorized infantry unit on the raft was supposed to cross to the other side of a very deep river.
- Have there ever been losses at this place? - Asked the officer one timid soldier.
“No,” the officer answered. “In the last class, one soldier drowned here, but the next day we found him.”

“Alfred, why are you so sad?”
“My wife seems to have stopped loving me.”
- Where did you get this?
“Imagine, I’m coming home last night, and she’s standing on the doorstep in a transparent nightgown.
- So that's great! And then what happened?
- It turned out that she did not come out to meet me, but was just returning home!

The husband mumbles in a dream:
- Nadya, Nadya!
His wife, pushing him to the side, asks menacingly:
- What kind of Nadya is this ?!
- Yes, something began to get colder. Put another blanket on me!

It is of course convenient to stick on the monitor reminders of what needs to be done today urgently.
It is inconvenient that after six months they come off.

Sunday, the election.
A man voted, goes home. Then a neighbor flew past him headlong at the station.
- Wait, where are you rushing so?
- Oh, meet your beloved grandmother ...
“So she died five years ago ?!”
- So I thought so, but in the second election they already say: "Yes, I was just there, I voted and already left ...".

- Girl, you are charming! Looking at you, I want to write poetry!
- A blasphemy ... Muse, fucking ...

I loved you, but blasphemy!
I want to fuck like a wolf.
Years pass, breasts sag
This pussy will not be anymore ...

After pink in Georgia and orange in Ukraine, tulip is expected in Kyrgyzstan and PLAN in Uzbekistan ...

The husband tells his wife:
“You bought me glasses and condoms yesterday.” So, condoms are small for me, and the points are big. Well, what is it?
“Well, maybe she mixed it up a bit.” I generally bought condoms by eye.
- Confused? Then everything is clear, I bought condoms by eye, and glasses - very nice, fuck.

After the results of entrance examinations to the institute are announced, two freshly baked students talk:
- Well, here we are now, we can say, the intelligentsia ...
- What?
- Cock over your shoulder !!! The intelligentsia, I say ...

... Masha, even though my friend - but such a fool that the world has not yet seen.
First he sleeps with a guy - and then he asks me to find out his name ...
And I also have to sleep with him to find out his name ...

From life.
Influenza ... My head breaks, it breaks bones, and it’s scary to move because of the instability of the stomach. Therefore, I lie on the bed and suffer.
A husband comes into the bedroom with visible signs of sperm toxicosis throughout the body and begins to sexually molest. After languid go-ahead, they say, I don’t want, I’m tired, etc., I have to explain popularly that I feel very bad and not to carnal pleasures to me ...
He continues to persuade:
- And we are so slow, careful ...
“No, I can't even move.”
- And we are a crustacean, I will do all the work for you ...
“I'm going to vomit now.”
- And we are on the toilet ...
I have it caring.

The corporate spirit is the youngest employee who erases socks for department heads, and directors count days before retirement.
You won’t get a woodpecker out of a hollow without a booze!
If the promise is not fulfilled by the deadline, then it is necessary either to extend the term, or to cancel the promise, or to punish the one to whom it was promised.
The minimum amount of money sufficient for you to go to work every day, and not to go to barricades in the evening, is called a salary.
When it comes to the division of property, it turns out that there is a lot in common between husband and wife!
If you are not happy with your salary, give it to your wife!
Maybe the work is not too pleasant, but you have to go somewhere after all.
With age, you realize that sex is not the most important thing, and it's time to do something else, for example, start earning.
... But after masturbation you don’t have to talk!
Oil "Gold" - fry it fried !!!

- Imagine, a friend of mine today will marry his sister!
- But this is unreal!
- Maybe. He is a doctor...

One lady, yielding to the harassment of the artist, agrees to sleep with him.
She goes to bed and waits for her lover to undress. Finally, he comes up to her naked, and she rolls up in laughter:
- When you introduced yourself as a miniaturist, I went over all the reasons for your calling, except this one!

A student asks the dean:
- I did not pass the third retake, what should I do now?
- And now you need to go through a medical examination ...

Biology lesson. The teacher tells the children:
- Children! You know that the stamen and pistil in the flowers are the reproductive organs ...
From the back of the desk Vovochka:
- Fuck ... And I sniffed them ...

- Dear, delicious cake!
“I bought it at the store.”
- Do you bake the same?
- Of what? We have neither flour, nor eggs, nor sodium glutamate, nor E517, nor E1452! ...

The traffic police department decided to introduce a new sign on the roads of Russia.
It is called Joker.
Joker can be any sign at the request of the traffic police inspector.

There are no wings. You just die and that’s it.

- I’ve bought children's champagne for kids on New Year’s. They tried it and it started ... Baby vodka, baby cigarettes, baby women ... In the morning I had to run for baby beer! ..

Early morning. Phone call.
- Ale, is this a seismic station?
- Yes, this is a seismic station.
- Tell me what is going on there? Earthquake?
- Nothing happens. Everything is quiet.
- Everything is quiet?! And this, in your opinion, is "everything is calm"?
- Yes, citizen. Everything is calm with us.
“If everything is calm with you, then why is it so shaking me in the morning ?!”

“Your legs remind me of the architecture of Paris!”
- What, the Eiffel Tower?
- No, Arc de Triomphe ...

- MAN, can you imagine ... Fedka has a straight iron member!
- What are you ?!
- Yes! In the cold I licked - my tongue stuck!

Fulfill the woman’s desire and she will enter your house.
Give her a Goldfish - and you will find yourself on the street.

In prison, after a meeting with his wife, the convicts are shunned in full.
A well-known (in certain circles) exercise is performed: a stripped naked goddess does squats. A hundred bucks rolled up into a lump fall out of the anus.
Zek, making a characteristic gesture, "A century of will not to be seen!":
- Chief, I’ll fucking - we FALSE !!!