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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

From life.
I walk along the street, I pass by the store "Goods for newborns."
In the window are hung all sorts of sliders-shoes-toys and photographs of smiling youngsters.
And above all this inscription, which simply killed me: "Fly over - you will not regret it!".

The saleswoman in the store, having received a large bill from the buyer:
"Man, you will not have any other money!"
"Do not cry, fuck!"

"Son, my mother and I have a present for you." In the spring you will have a brother.
"Again this fool is released from prison!"

"Why does the Israeli quickly end?"
"He's in a hurry to tell his friends."

"Why are you late for work again?"
"He took the kids to the kindergarten."
"But you did not have any children!"
- Alas! I used to think so naively too.

Riddle: At the bottom lies, with a mustache stirring.
The answer is Chapaev.

- What temperature do you prefer on vacation: forty degrees Celsius, or Fahrenheit?
- According to Mendeleev!

Kissing, Ivan Tsarevich kissed the sleeping princess, but she does not wake up.
So sleeping and fucked.

The guy comes into the grocery store and asks the saleswoman:
- Girl, tell me - how much is that dick out there?
Saleswoman with bulging eyes:
- What ??
"I'm sorry, I'm thinking."

"Is it warm to you, damsel, warm to you, red?"
"It's warm, grandfather-but shame-oh-oh!"

- Oh, well, what are you standing on the doorstep - do not be shy, fuck you!

The girl comes out of the bathroom and says Vovochka:
- You have two towels in the bathroom: one under the letter "M", the other under the letter "F". I took the one that is under the letter "F". I correctly understood, "F" - for women, "M" - for men.
- No, "M" - for the muzzle!

At school, children are asked who wants to become what.
"I want to heal people." I want nobody to be ill. I want our people to be the most healthy and strong in the world ... Therefore, I will go to study in a medical university!
"I want to feed people." I want no one to starve. I want our land to be the most fertile and rich in the world ... Therefore, I will go to study at the Agricultural Institute!
- And I want to not do dick, but get real money for it! I want to put on everyone, even the president! I want not to pay taxes - and that no one even touched me with a finger! So I'll go to the seminary!

From the television interview of collective farmer Praskovia Ivanova:
"I probably will never forget meeting with the leader of the Soviet people, Comrade Stalin!" In 1949, he came to our city - and we, first-graders, were led to a meeting. We gave the leader flowers - and then the most significant event in my life happened. Stalin took me in his arms and said unforgettable words in his native Georgian language ... Although I do not understand the meaning - I still wrote them down and even memorized them by heart. Here they are: "Oh mah mizhim harshhe grandfather plodded"!
Simultaneous Russian translation: "How hard you are, fuck your mother."

A real hunter will determine the age of the bear by the number of paws on the paws.
Cigarettes beznikotinovye: smoke after alcohol-free vodka, feel like a hopeless fuck!
The duration of matrimony can be recognized by the annual rings on the horns ...
What can a foreigner think about the sexual inclinations of Russians when he knows what part of the body they designate with the word "fuck"?
Russian athletes, as a matter of habit, took bronze, because silver and gold
- this is a completely different article ...
Life develops in a spiral, a spiral, and is prevented.
It's bad to know a lot of jokes: when you do not remember, and when someone tells you - it's not funny.
Between one place of work and another the distance is only some 4-5 cm, and the name of the specialist is no longer a gynecologist, but a proctologist!
A Chechen in an airplane is a dick-yow sign ...
Do you have problems with rodents?!? Knock them teeth - and you will have problems with suckers! ..
A promising sport for future Olympics: shooting from a Kalashnikov assault rifle on running judges of the previous Olympics.

The student brings her to a hostel from a well-to-do family.
She, of course, in shock from the situation, afraid to touch objects ...
He sees this and says:
- Come on, do not be afraid ... Come on, sit on the bed ...
- On the bed??? Yes, it must be bugs!
- What bugs ?! They had long been eaten by cockroaches ...

Super offer for extreme!
Russian roulette with Aeroflot !!
Every 6th aircraft falls !!!

- I want to sing, dance, love, breathe easily ... Is this spring, Baloo?! ..
"These are mushrooms, Mowgli!"

And when I was preparing to take the exam for the rights, then to enter the garage was taught by the Brazilian system:
... in the open field ...
... between two pegs ...
... which was held by the father and mother ...
Try to miss it!

"Son, on the day of your coming of age, I must tell you an important thing."
- To-what? ..
"You are not my son, you are my daughter!"

There is such a word - "it is necessary".
There is still such a phrase - "Fuck it all fuck!" ...

- What is needed to build democracy in a single country?
"To start, we must bomb it."

In the evening, four more beheaded male corpses were sent to the morgue from the studio. The tired director went out into the street, inhaled the spring air and, smiling to some of his thoughts, whispered: "There must be only one ...".
... Casting the main male role in the film "Highlander returns"

Conversation of two friends:
"Did you have a husband to drink?" Yesterday he talked to him, he puffed me into the back of his neck with such a fog!

Advertising of the dental clinic:
"Treatment of teeth by the Klitschko brothers method".

- What is unconventional sex in Russian?
- This is sex without vodka.

The psychedelic phantasmagoria presented by the author reveals before the reader the dialectical existentiality of the syndrome of postcoital abstinence, when the individual is not able to selectively abstract from the laminant inherent deviant asberrations, thus providing a vivid example of the convergence of destructive mentality and permanent cognitive creativity.
The book is recommended for home reading in 1 - 3 classes of primary school.

Entertainer: "The next artist should not be represented, I even think he does not need to perform."

Discovered the new Leninist calculations and calculations to his famous formula:
"Communism is the Soviet power plus the electrification of the whole country."
Then the leader continues: "... At the same time, electrification is regulated by the power of the current, and communism and the Soviet power - the current by force."

"Good must be with fists!" - the prosperous peasantry was mistaken in the late 1920s.

- What is 7Up?
"These are the seven men who accepted Viagra."

He meets an American American after the war and asks:
- How much does your cruise missile cost?
"I do not know for sure, but about a million."
"What idiots are you?" We had to lose cash, we would kill each other!

"All men are bastards and bastards!"
"And even me?"
- And even you !!!
- Hooray! I'm a man! Man!

In kindergarten:
"Zaur!" Have you come unshaven again?

- I bought a Scottish shepherd, and she scares the neighbors so much ...
"What, is it barking loudly?"
"She does not bark at all!" But this plaid skirt and bagpipes ...

"Why are you late for work again?"
"He took the kids to the kindergarten."
"But you did not have any children!"
- Alas! I used to think so naively too.

- Girl, do you accidentally bear in the ear did not advance?
"By the way, I have an excellent ear."
- What does the rumor have to do with your eyes?

A guy is driving home in a car, suddenly a hare jumps out on the road.
The guy on the brakes, the steering wheel unscrewed - barely drove around ...
Goes farther, once a deer runs out onto the road, the man again brakes to the floor - before the deer stopped ...
Goes further, and here on the road - a bear! The guy on the brakes, but nothing can be done - the women, the car is smashed, the bear is lying dead ...
A man crawls out of a smoking car:
- Shit, you had to press the hare ...

Call to the apartment from Housing office:
- Does your toilet work? Well ... to you now, three neighbors will shit ...

- Work, negros - the sun is still high!
"It's not the sun, it's the moon!"
- And it is not!

Ivan Tsarevich hinders the Sleeping Princess ...
She tells him through a dream:
"It's you, Ivan Tsarevich, will you wake me up?"
- No, I will not ... For others I try ...

In the Bolshoi Theater there is a large kipish. Putin came to the premiere. Security guard of all shmonayet in black ...
And now Putin is sitting in the hall, and at this time musicians and artists are one on the stage from behind the scenes through the metal detector. Tsarit terrible nervousness and straining. And here comes the conductor and carries a black box with buttons and a dial. The security was already fucking - and immediately twisted the conductor.
And he yells:
- What are you doing?! Same talking digital metronome! I just did it yesterday with a special order!
- Demonstrate.
He presses the button, in the box something zatikalo and said "One two three hours four ...".
They let him on stage, and one guard says to another:
- You know, if this box said "four three two one" - I would probably shit ...

Don Juan goes to hell. The devil asks him:
- Where do you want - in a terrible room or terrible?
- And what's so terrible ?!
He shows him - some kukryniksy - thick, pimply, wrinkled ...
- You are tied to a chair in this room - and you have to satisfy each several times a day ...
- And in a terrible way?
Sees - in the room a few nude blondes with blue eyes are sexually so go ... Well, of course, immediately lost his head and says:
- I want to be horrible !!!
- I'm sure ?!
- Yeah!
... at the same moment it turns out to be tied to a chair and he hears from above a voice:
- And in this room you have hands and feet tied and not one of them gives you t ...

My wife was born under the sign of the earth. I was born under the sign of water. Together we create mud.
Counting money in someone else's wallet is much easier if you take it away.
To mock at the person from whom the wife left, it is possible only from envy.
In Russia there are two troubles: fools and roads. When they are combined, tourists are obtained.
The most useless thing on earth is the fence in the cemetery! No one can go outside, and no one wants to go in.
What is pleasant in America - do not look for an exchanger.
Conductor resistance, as a rule, is less than conductor resistance.
Those who go to bed early, they get married late.
Whoever hurts, it heals from others.
A couple of years ago I was scornful of blue ...
A new breed of service dogs has been bred - they can smell in the crowd the absence of a Moscow residence permit or registration.
Real sailors do not say "This is shit," they say "It's unsinkable!".

"Good evening, young people!" Let me introduce myself. Patrol and post service, Sergeant Gorlenko. Stabbing, cutting objects are available?
- No!
- It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs?
- Yes, you probably already have enough, Comrade Sergeant ...

Phone call:
- Hello, Dad! I got married!
"I do not know anything ... I should not be home until nine!"

"Do you have fused cheese?"
- And what do you want?
"Some sharp one."
- Right now, we'll float and sharpen it!

The guy injured his finger on the arm and came to the doctor.
The doctor says:
- Take off your clothes.
- What for?! I just hurt my finger ...
A man's voice from behind the screen:
- What's this! I even came to fix the phone!

- Why are flies constantly rubbing their paws?
- They have on their paws the main erogenous zones ...

Bush says to Putin:
- You know, Vladimir, a lot of your compatriots are in our prisons!
"George, there is much more in our potato stems of your countrymen!"

Nine-tenths of the world's population believe that Columbus discovered America ...
One-tenth - that it was discovered by the Vikings.
And no one comes to mind that it was discovered by the Indians!

Two Russian programmers are speaking. One of the budget organizations, the other from the commercial. The one that is from the commercial, asks:
- What is your salary?
"Two hundred bucks."
- Fine. And how much do you give to your wife?
- One hundred fifty.
"Well, you are greedy!" I've got a hundred bucks on the sheet, and then I give my wife 10 times as much!

My husband decided to visit his wife on a business trip unexpectedly. Came, immediately climbed into bed, stormy sex, violent orgasm. From behind the wall screams:
- Well, fuck it, please! I can not sleep with you five nights already!

"Who's crackling that appetite?" Can chips "ESTRELLA"?
- No - it's me, fucking, I press the cockroaches ...

Nessage Advertising:
... is your energy with you? Release her!
- Dava-ah-ah, dava-ah-ah, the TV from the window is thrown out-ah-ah! ..

Sidorov took his wife from Ivanov. Ivanov said nothing and got married a second time.
Sidorov took his second wife from Ivanov. Ivanov married a third.
In general, when Sidorov married the fifth wife of Ivanov, he could not resist:
- What are you, you bastard, you take all my wives? Others have a wife too!
And then Sidorov spread his hands and said:
- And what if I only trust your taste ?!

The morning of the working day. The traffic cop stops the 600th Mers:
- Inspector Ivanov. I have not had breakfast yet!
- Killer Petrov. Already at work.

- And now Dima will tell you the story "Case in the Forest", which he invented himself.
"I did not invent anything." They, however, were naked!

- How does a real man determine the moment of orgasm partner?
- This man does not fuck!

From life.
Estonia is ahead of the whole planet!
They also introduced this crap, with the prohibition of liquor at night ...
So they managed to arrange the rental of alcoholic beverages in their stores.
In short, you take half a liter, you make a deposit, you leave. Later it is necessary either to return vodka, or to keep to itself, having lost the pledge.
Need I say that the deposit is equal to the cost of the bottle?
By legal nature, this is no longer a sale and purchase, and therefore is not subject to the law limiting the sale of alcohol.

- Why are you so sad?
- Yes, that's last night with a girl met, so cool walk, then-that's how she fucks cool ...
- So what, you can not forget it ?!
- Yes, no ... remember ...

The wife chastises her husband after visiting the strip show:
- Not only did you put 100 bucks under the elastic panties of a dancer, you also looked in there!
- Pretty! I was thinking of finding a change there!

- For 14 years now you have been correcting me all the time! - the husband is indignant.
- 15 years, dear, 15!

The most dreary and unpopular program "Parliamentary Hour" could become the most fun and most rating, if it were given in the translation of the Goblin.

In any business, the most important thing for us is quality and timing. Therefore, at first we think for a long time how to proceed to this better, and then we finish all this decisively and quickly.

I think soon our own Duma will pass a law on the replacement of education and health with preferential payments.

Mytishchi District Court banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.

My wife had a false pregnancy. Now false children run around the house.

Two parents in black slippers burst last night into the children's room, ordered everyone to lie face to face with a wall, and they themselves took out a large amount of computer consoles from the children's book.

A guy picking his index finger in the nose, comes up during a disco to a standing girl:
- Let's dance ?!
- I do not dance with such people!
(he flicks the gnat from his finger):
- Why is it so?

From life.
Yesterday my friend came to my wife. I can hear the conversation in the kitchen:
- You see, this is the SALT OF DESIRE such, FEN HUY called ...
... Zarzhal to the whole apartment ...
Feng Shui, fools!

The Frenchman and the German are walking past the pond. A girl with a fishing rod is sitting by the water.
- Mademoiselle, you are charming against the background of nature, you have a beautiful fishing rod, and by the way, how does it bite?
"The bad thing is - I forgot to take the bait ..."
"Oh, mademoiselle, you are sitting on such a fascinating bait!"
The girl laughed, the men went on ...
After a while the German asked the Frenchman:
- Listen - how did you know that she had worms ?!

But is it true that if a triangle with the letter S is installed on the machine, is the machine driven by a Specialist?
The girl was so scary that neighbor cats tried to bury her a couple of times in the sandbox.
Sober is not a drunk comrade, but a means of transportation.
All people stand differently. Like portraits on bills.
Gaskets - the art of earning even on monthly.
A cigarette smoker dies of lung cancer, a pipe smoker - from lip cancer, a non-smoker - from all other cancers.
Want to become a good oligarch - swing the oil and do not swing the right.
Intuition is the ability of the head to smell an asshole.
Keep your mouth shut - at the ready.
A cultured person instead of "fuck you" writes "at last".

In the car-restaurant:
- Waiter, I'm waiting for beer for 200 kilometers ...

From life.
Today in the smoking room I heard the expression of one of our nurses:
- Incest - this is such a thing that you can deal with the whole family ...
Such here we have funny sisters ...

"Have you bought a sausage?"
- Sausage ?! Did not drink!

Relations at work resemble life on the sea reef - and there and there are sharks and small fishes ...
With only one difference - on the reef you are surrounded by arthropods, and at work
- Arthropods ...

From life.
I bought a four-year-old daughter's coloring the other day. There on each page are simple two-line rhymes about a colorable animal.
So, under one cute kitten it is written the following (I read to my daughter out loud, with an expression, for everyone):
"We tied a bow on a pussy,
It would be better given a sausage. "
Reading ceased for a long time ...

- And what does your dog eat?
- Yesterday I bitten that guy's knee.
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappi" with a taste of the knee over that man ...

- Honey, something you are unfriendly and rude today ... Do you have pre- or post-menstrual syndrome?
- Vme-e-esto!

- Sun!
- What, cat?
"Fish, make breakfast."
- Of course, a bear cub.
"Thank you, swallow."
- You're welcome, goat.
- I love you, pussy!
"I love you too, bunny!"
- Wait a minute! Do not you also remember my name? !!

"I'm at the bar ... Do you want to bring anything to someone?"
"Bring me Lyonya from there - I need him urgently ..."

Conversation of two friends:
"You understand, lately I feel somehow unsure of myself ..."
- And what, there is an occasion ?! What did he, for example, come home late? Or maybe some incomprehensible calls, or lipstick on his shirt?
- No, it seems everything is in order - but still somehow restless ...
- You know, darling - all men are divided into three categories: impotent, womanizer and homosexual ... So you just decided who is more comfortable with you ...

The man can not understand the mind,
Powerless logic is science.
You give it away - say "whore",
And you will not give up - the "bitch" will say.

I love, fucking, author's song,
when you sit, fucking, by the fire.
When, fuck, we fucking fuckin 'together,
we sit fucking fuck all morning ...

In a plane crash over the tundra in the soft snow, along with their mandarins, the Georgian fell. He skidded and he freezes.
Goes past the Chukchi and sees - a new snowdrift! He takes out the blue-painted Georgian, puts him in sledge and carries him to his tent. There pours a glass of vodka and says:
- Are you Georgian? Then say a toast!
A shivering Georgian with a glass in his hand:
- If I'm told at home in hot weather - Givi, dear, let's drink a wine in a tin, where it's cooler - I'll wait for his mother !!!

There is no gender equality: peeking out of women's panties from pants is considered erotic, and peeking out men's panties from an unfastened fly is indecent.

The young man heard a frightened cry and saw that in the sea someone was floundering among the waves. He rushed to the rescue and, diving several times under the water, pulled out a young beautiful girl who was barely breathing.
On the beach they were waiting for the mother of the girl. Strictly glancing at the savior, she
"Young man, immediately explain to me why you have been underwater for so long with my daughter!"

"Grandfather, what's your name?"
- We are healthy.
"So there are a lot of you here?"
- No, I'm alone. This is my surname: Sidorovy.

Switzerland. Alps. Expensive restaurant with a balcony over the precipice. At the table sat a man in a suit with a box of expensive Swiss chronometers and one by one throws them down, pensively watching the flight ...
Visitors with curiosity ask the bartender what is happening.
"A new Russian, gentlemen ... Melancholy!" He watches how fast time flies ...

Hand the medal to the mother-heroine. Flowers, correspondents ...
"How many children do you have?"
- Eight.
- And the age?
- 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.
- So, 6 years ago we decided that it was enough already?
- Well no. Just bought a TV ...

After the next report from the biathlon tracks, Dmitry Guberniev received a severe reprimand from the management of the channel "Sport" - he incorrectly indicated the terms of the menstrual cycles of our biathletes ...

- Why do not black people eat chocolate?
- And they are afraid of biting off their fingers ...

- How did you celebrate Maslennitsa?
- Great! In the morning I burned a stuffed mother-in-law - she understood the hint and went away in the evening.

"The defendant, what have you done with the hundred dollars you stole?"
"I spent it on Mary, a cabaret girl."
- Do not deceive the court. Mary never takes more than five!

From life.
We sit, then, at a lecture on economics. Teacher - an important such a Jew - for a long time displays on the board some formulas.
As a result, his result does not agree with the desired, he begins to look for an error and
- Ah, here, in the demand formula I lied ...
Suddenly, everyone in the classroom fades and is heard as from the back of the desk grumbling
- Oh, you old pizdunishka ...

From life.
On how to influence people (Carnegie rests).
The brother of a civil aviation employee told me.
The picture is as follows. The plane, the flight is quite local, from Siberia to Siberia.
Before landing the stewardess, as expected, announces:
"Citizens are passengers!" Fasten your seat belts.
Well, the people, in the majority, begin to fasten. In the front row, a seven-by-eight child is sitting, and the ignorant ignores this reasonable demand.
The stewardess, looking at the child, repeats:
"Citizens are passengers!" Fasten your seat belts!
The reaction is again zero.
Then the phrase is repeated personally to him:
"Citizen!" Fasten your seat belt !!!
The answer is:
- Yes you went ...
Well, the girl, of course, offended and went to complain to the commander.
A minute later, a corps (a small stature, a thin little muzhik, also lispy) flies out, jumps to this cupboard and pronounces the following monologue:
- Music! Here you pg'edstav yourself! Now, on boarding, if I'm just sitting past the lane, then the plane will stop, but you will fly further. Baskoy forward. And now you go to the Peg'ev Peg'ebog'ku (bends his fingers), the second peg'ebog'ku, t'et'yu peg'ebog'ku and find yourself in my cabin. The question is - what the fuck are you doing to me nuzen?
The man SILENCE is fastened. The salon is out. A curtain.

In the toilet it is better to be a user than an admin ...
To spoil decent girls is much more pleasant than fixing whores!
Russians, we congratulate you! Pierre Narcissus ends his visa!
"A rare woman will reach the middle of the river!" - joked Stepan Razin.
According to most women, a good person should not only be a lot, but often.
Vitali Klitschko is accused of racism. There are videotapes where he beats the Negroes!
To drink - to harm health, instead of to drink - to harm to the state.
Tell me who your president is and I'll tell you who those 70% are.
To whom life is a theater, and to whom is a hanger.
In each hospital there are two types of patients: some seriously ill, others complain about food.
The ostrich does not hide his head in the sand, it is he who falsely substitutes another place ...
In sport, megalomania helps badly. But the persecution mania helps a lot.
The meaning of life is needed in order to have something to think about in the toilet!

"The Mummy Returns" - Lyudmila Gurchenko's concert.

- And I bought SupermAZ yesterday.
- What for?
- Panimasa, SuperMAZ - this is such a special oil, it smacks on your hand - and vso prihodit.

"Pour it in, Dad."
"My dear, this is the third, you'll burst."
- ABOUT! For bursting!

- Do you need to put mushrooms on?
A guest:
- No, thanks, I only like to pick mushrooms!
- As you wish! I can scatter on the floor ...

- Boy, and where are you from?
- I am from Moscow.
- Ha !! From Moscow he ... I have not seen you there yet!

"Darling, does your husband know that you are cheating on him?"
- Mine ?! No ... But yours knows!

He, enthusiastically:
- Wow!!!
She, embarrassed:
- I'm just taking it ...

From life.
The other day I was traveling in a minibus, in front of me was my mother and daughter, a daughter from a kindergarten, as far as I understood - and she says to her mother:
- You see, what my handkerchief is clean ...
Takes out of pocket:
"Because I wiped it with a sleeve."
I thought that I would crawl down from my chair ...

In the toilet it is better to be a user than an admin ...

- Lieutenant, but how did you know my age ?!
"On the annual rings, madam, on your neck ..."

Her blond hair trickled out from under the lace apron.

In the restaurant. Wife to her husband (indignantly):
- I saw that while you were returning from the toilet back to the table, you felt the ass of all waitresses!
Husband (condescendingly):
"Well, dear, I was just wiping my hands ..."

"Where did you get such a beautiful watch?"
"From my sister."
"But you do not have a sister."
"Yes, but it's written on them."

The son quarreled with his father and said to him:
"What a punishment for me with you!" If you were not born, I would have inherited from my grandfather!

The father says to an adult daughter:
- There, near the house, your boyfriend expects you.
- Yes? And how do you know, Daddy, that this is my boyfriend?
"He has my favorite cufflinks on his shirt."

- Gentlemen! Now I will read articles on which the defendant was brought to criminal liability earlier.
"Please, I do not mind." But that then there was no censure, as if I delayed the consideration of the case.

In the classes on overcoming the water obstacle, a motorized infantry unit on a raft was to cross the very deep river to the other side.
- Have there ever been losses in this place? the officer asked one timid soldier.
"No," answered the officer. "In the past, one soldier drowned here, but the next day we found him."

"Alfred, why are you so sad?"
"It seems that my wife has stopped loving me."
"Why did you take this?"
"Imagine, I'm returning home last night, and she stands on the threshold in a transparent nightgown.
- So it's great! And then what happened?
- It turned out that she did not come to meet me, but just returned home!

The husband in a dream murmurs:
- Nadia, Nadia!
Wife, pushing him in the side, threateningly asks:
- What is this Nadia? !!!
- Yes, something began to get cold. Put another blanket on me!

It is of course convenient to paste reminders on the monitor about what needs to be done today urgently.
It is inconvenient that in six months they get unstuck.

Sunday, elections.
The man voted, goes home. Then a neighbor runs past him, rushing headlong into the fence.
- Wait, why are you so afraid?
- Yes, here, to meet your beloved grandmother ...
"So she died five years ago!"
- So I thought so, but at the second election they say: "Yes, I just had, I voted and I left ...".

- Girl, you are charming! Looking at you, I want to write poetry!
- And blaspheme ... Muza, fuck ...

I loved you, and blaspheme!
I want to feel like a wolf.
Years will pass, the breasts will hang,
Pussy this will not be ...

After the pink in Georgia and the orange in Ukraine, tulips are expected in Kyrgyzstan and PLAN in Uzbekistan ...

The husband says to his wife:
"You bought glasses and condoms yesterday." So, condoms are small, but they are great. Well, what is it?
"Well, maybe she messed up a bit." I bought condoms all by eye.
- Mistaken? Then everything is clear, condoms bought by eye, and glasses - Pts evidno, fuck.

After the announcement of the results of the entrance examinations, two freshly baked students are speaking at the institute:
- Well, here we are, we can say, the intelligentsia ...
- Che?
- Dick over your shoulder !!! Intelligentsia, I say ...

... Masha, although my friend - but such a fool as the light has not yet seen.
First he will sleep with a guy - and then asks me to find out what his name is ...
And I, too, have to sleep with him to find out what his name is ...

From life.
Influenza ... The head breaks, bones break, and it's scary to stir because of the instability of the stomach. Therefore I lie on the bed and suffer.
The husband comes into the bedroom with visible signs of spermotoxicosis in the whole body and begins to sexually pester. After the flaccid signals, they say, I do not want to, I'm tired, etc., I have to explain popularly that I feel very bad and not to carnal pleasures to me ...
He continues to persuade:
- And we are so slow, careful ...
- No, I can not even move.
- And we crustacean, I will do all the work for you ...
- I'm gonna vomit now.
- And we are over the toilet ...
He is caring for me.

The corporate spirit is the youngest of employees who wears socks to the heads of departments, and the directors count the days to retirement.
Without a bug you can not get a woodpecker from the hollow!
If the promise is not fulfilled by the deadline, it is necessary either to extend the term, or to cancel the promise, or to punish the one to whom it was promised.
The minimum amount of money, sufficient for you to go to work every day, and not go to the barricades in the evening, is called a salary.
When it comes to the division of property, it turns out that there is much in common between husband and wife!
If you are not satisfied with your salary - give it to your wife!
Maybe the work is not a very pleasant occupation, but somewhere in fact it is necessary to go somewhere in the morning.
With age, you understand that sex is not the most important thing, and it's time to do some other things, for example, to start earning.
... But after masturbation, do not talk!
The oil "Zlato" - on it fry pussy!

- Imagine, one of my acquaintances today marries his sister!
- But this is impossible!
- Maybe. He is a doctor...

One lady, giving way to harassment of the artist, agrees to sleep with him.
She goes to bed and waits for her lover to undress. Finally, he comes up to her naked, and she rolls over laughing:
- When you introduced me as a miniaturist, I went over all the reasons for your calling, except this one!

The student asks the dean:
- I did not pass the third rep, what do I do now?
- And now you need to pass a medical examination ...

Biology lesson. The teacher tells the children:
- Children! You know that a stamen and a pestle in flowers - these are the organs of reproduction ...
From the back of the desk Vovochka:
- Fuck ... I sniffed them ...

"Darling, delicious cake!"
- I bought it in the store.
- And the same bake yourself?
- Of what? We have no flour, no eggs, no glutamate of sodium, no E517, no E1452! ...

The traffic police department decided to introduce a new sign on the roads of Russia.
It is called Joker.
Joker can be any sign at the request of the Inspector of the State Traffic Safety Inspectorate.

There are no wings. Just dying and all.

- I bought new champagne for children here on New Year's Day. Have tried - and it has begun ... The children's vodka, children's cigarettes, children's women ... In the morning it was necessary for children's beer to run! ..

Early morning. Phone call.
- Alie, is this a seismic station?
- Yes, this is a seismic station.
"Tell me, what's going on in there?" Earthquake?
- Nothing happens. Everything is quiet.
- Everything is quiet?! And this, in your opinion, "everything is calm"?
- Yes, citizen. Everything is absolutely peaceful with us.
- If you are all at peace - then why does it shake me so much in the morning ?!

"Your feet remind me of the architecture of Paris!"
"What, the Eiffel Tower?"
- No, the Arc de Triomphe ...

- MAH, imagine ... Fedka's cock is straight iron!
- What do you mean?
- Yes! I licked in the cold - my tongue stuck!

Fulfill the woman's desire - and she will enter your home.
Give her a goldfish - and you will be on the street.

In prison, after a meeting with his wife, they cram a convict under the full program.
A well-known (in certain circles) exercise is performed: the naked groom doing sit-ups. A hundred bucks rolled out of the anus falls out.
Zek, making a characteristic gesture "The Age of Will does not see!":
- Chief, I'll fuck - SUSPECTED !!!