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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

From life.
I walk down the street, passing by the store "Baby Products".
In the showcase hung all sorts of sliders, shoes, toys and photographs of smiling toddler.
And above all this there is an inscription that simply killed me: “Fly in - you will not regret!”.

Saleswoman in the store, receiving a large bill from the buyer:
- Man, you will not have other money ?!
- Do not croak, damn it!

“Son, we have a present for you and mom.” In the spring you will have a brother.
- Again this fool is released from prison!

- Why does an Israeli quickly end?
- Hurries to tell friends.

“Why are you late for work again?”
- Children in kindergarten retracted.
- But you had no children!
- Alas! I used to think so naively too.

Riddle: At the bottom lies, his mustache wiggles.
Clue: Chapaev.

- What temperature do you prefer on vacation: forty degrees Celsius, or Fahrenheit?
- According to Mendeleev!

Kissing, kissing Ivan Tsarevich sleeping princess, but she does not wake up.
So sleeping and fucked.

A man enters the grocery store and asks the saleswoman:
- Girl, tell me - how much is that dick worth?
Saleswoman with bulging eyes:
- What ???
- Sorry, thought.

- Is it warm to you, girl, is it warm to you, red?
- Warm, grandfather - but shame-oh!

- Oh, well, what are you standing on the threshold - do not hesitate, go fuck you!

The girl comes out of the bathroom and says Vovochke:
- In your bathroom hang two towels: one under the letter "M", the other under the letter "G". I took the one that is under the letter "F". I understood correctly, “F” - for women, “M” - for men.
- No, "M" - for the muzzle!

At school, children are asked who wants to become who.
- I want to treat people. I want no one to be sick. I want our people to be the healthiest and strongest in the world ... Therefore, I will go to study at the medical university!
- I want to feed people. I want no one to starve. I want our land to be the most fertile and richest in the world ... Therefore, I will go to study at the agricultural institute!
Little Johnny:
- And I want to do nothing like a dick, but get real grandmothers for it! I want to put on everyone, even on the president! I want not to pay taxes - and that no one even dare touch me with a finger! Therefore, I will go to the seminary !!!

From the TV interview of the collective farmer Praskovya Ivanova:
- Probably, I can never forget a meeting with the leader of the Soviet people, Comrade Stalin! In 1949, he came to our city - and we, first-graders, were led to a meeting. We handed flowers to the Leader - and here the most significant event in my life took place. Stalin took me in his arms and said unforgettable words in his native Georgian language ... Although I don’t understand the meaning, I still wrote them down and even memorized them. Here they are: "Oh rajime har rshe grandfather motkulno"!
Simultaneous translation into Russian: "What are you hard, fuck your mother."

A real hunter will determine the age of a bear by the number of hickeys on its paws.
Nicotine-free cigarettes: smoke after non-alcoholic vodka, feel like a hopeless sucker!
The term of marriage can be recognized by annual rings on the cut of horns ...
What can a foreigner think about the sexual inclinations of Russians, when he knows what part of the body they denote by the word “ebalo”?
Out of habit, Russian athletes took bronze because silver and gold
- this is a completely different article ...
Life develops in a spiral, spiraling and warned.
It’s bad to know a lot of jokes: when you don’t remember, and when someone tells you, it’s not funny.
There is only 4-5 cm between one place of work and another, and the name of the specialist is no longer a gynecologist, but a proctologist!
Chechen on the plane - fuck you ...
Do you have problems with rodents?!? Knock out his teeth - and you will have problems with Sosun! ..
A promising sport for future Olympics: bullet shooting from a Kalashnikov assault rifle at the running judges of the previous Olympiad.

A student brings to her dorm a girl from a wealthy family.
She, of course, shocked by the situation, is afraid to touch objects ...
He sees this and says:
- Come on, don't be afraid ... Come in, sit on the bed ...
- On the bed??? Yes, it probably bugs!
- what are the bugs ?! They have long been eaten by cockroaches ...

Super offer for extreme lovers!
Russian Roulette with Aeroflot !!
Every 6th plane falls !!!

- I want to sing, dance, love, breathe easy ... Is it spring, Balu?! ..
- These are mushrooms, Mowgli!

And when I was being prepared for passing the law exam, I was taught to enter the garage according to the Brazilian system:
... in the open field ...
... between two landmarks ...
... which were held in the hands of father and mother ...
Try to miss here!

“Son, on your age of majority I have to tell you an important thing.”
- K-what? ..
- You are not my son, you are my daughter!

There is such a word - "necessary."
There is another phrase - "Yes, it all went to the dick!" ...

- What is needed to build democracy in a single country?
- For the beginning you need to bomb it.

Towards the evening, four more decapitated male corpses were sent from the film studio to the morgue. The tired director went out into the street, breathed in the spring air and, smiling at some thoughts, whispered: "Only one should remain ...".
... Casting for the main male role in the movie "Highlander Returns"
went on.

Two friends are talking:
- Did your husband start drinking? Yesterday I talked to him, he puffed me in such a fume in the head!

Advertising dental clinic:
"Dental treatment by the Klitschko brothers".

- What is unconventional sex in Russian?
- This is sex without vodka.

The psychedelic phantasmagoria presented by the author reveals the dialectical existentiality of postcoital abstinence syndrome in front of the reader, when an individual is not able to selectively abstract from the deviant asberrations inherent in his laminant, thus providing a vivid example of the convergence of destructive mentality and permanently cognitive creativity.
The book is recommended for home reading in 1 - 3 grades of primary school.

Entertainer: "The next artist does not need to submit. I even think he does not need to perform."

Discovered new Leninist calculations and calculations for his famous formula:
"Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country."
Further, the leader continues: "... At the same time electrification is regulated by the strength of the current, and communism and Soviet power are regulated by the current."

"Good must be with fists!" - the prosperous peasantry erred in the late 20s.

- What is 7UP?
- These are seven men who took Viagra.

He meets a Serb American after the war and asks:
- How much is one of your cruise missiles?
- I do not know for sure, but about a million.
- What are you still idiots! We had to lose cash, we would kill each other!

- All men - bastards and bastards!
- And even me?
- And even you !!!
- Hooray! I am a man! Man !!!

In kindergarten:
- Zaur! Did you come again unshaven?

- I bought a Scottish shepherd dog, and it scares its neighbors so much ...
- What, barks loudly?
- She doesn't bark at all! But this tartan skirt and bagpipes ...

“Why are you late for work again?”
- Children in kindergarten retracted.
- But you had no children!
- Alas! I used to think so naively too.

- Girl, you do not accidentally bear in your ear?
- By the way, I have a great ear.
- Yes, what have the rumor about - you look in your ear ...

A man goes home by car, all of a sudden a hare jumps out onto the road.
A man on the brakes, the wheel unscrewed - barely drove around ...
It goes further, once - a deer runs out on the road, the man again has a brake to the floor - he stopped just before the deer ...
Goes further, and here on the road - the bear! A man on the brakes, but he can do nothing - broads, a car to smithereens, a dead bear is lying ...
A man crawls out of a steaming car:
- Fuck, I had to push the hare ...

A call to the apartment from the housing office:
- Do you have a toilet? Well ... now three neighbors will come to shit for you ...

- Work, negros - the sun is still high!
- This is not the sun, this is the moon!
- A non-fuse !!!

Ivan Tsarevich brakes Sleeping Tsarevna ...
She says to him through a dream:
- Is it you, Ivan Tsarevich, wake me up?
- No, I will not ... For others I try ...

In the Bolshoi Theater a big pipish. Putin came to the premiere. Security all shmeit in black ...
And now Putin is sitting in the hall, but at this time musicians and artists are launched one by one on the stage from behind the scenes through a metal detector. Reigns terrible nervousness and tension. And here comes the conductor and carries some black box with buttons and dial. The guard was already fucked up - and immediately she twisted the conductor.
And he shouts:
- What are you doing?! This is a talking digital metronome! I did it just yesterday on special order!
- Demonstrate.
He presses a button, something in the box has stopped and said, "One, two, three, four ...".
They let him on the stage, and one guard says to the other:
- You know, if this box would say "four three two one" - I would probably crap ...

Don Juan goes to hell. The devil asks him:
- Wherever you want - in a terrible room or terrible?
- And what's scary ?!
He shows him - only kukryniksy - thick, pimply, wrinkled ...
- You are tied to a chair in this room - and you have to satisfy everyone several times a day ...
- And in a terrible?
He sees that in the room several naked blondes with blue eyes are sexually sexy ... well, of course, he immediately lost his head and said:
- I want a terrible !!!
- Sure ?!
- Yeah !!!
... in the same second, he is tied to a chair and hears a voice from above:
- And in this room you have hands and legs tied and not one of them gives you t ...

My wife was born under the sign of the earth. I was born under the sign of water. Together we create mud.
It is much easier to count money in someone else’s wallet if you take it away.
It is possible to mock the man from whom the wife left, only out of envy.
In Russia, two evils: fools and roads. When they combine, tourists are obtained.
The most useless thing on earth is a fence at the cemetery! No one can go outside, and no one wants to go inside.
What is pleasant in America - do not look for an exchanger.
Conductor resistance is usually less than conductor resistance.
Those who go to bed early, they marry late.
Who has what hurts, he treats it with others.
Just a couple of years ago, I despised the blue ones ...
A new breed of service dogs has been developed - they can smell the absence of Moscow registration or registration in the crowd.
Real sailors do not say "This is shit", they say "This is unsinkable!".

- Good evening, young people! Let me introduce. Patrol and inspection service, Sergeant Gorlenko. Piercing, cutting objects are there?
- Not!
- It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs?
- Yes, you probably already have enough, Comrade Sergeant ...

Phone call:
- Hello, Dad! I got married!
- I do not know anything ... so that at home was no later than nine!

- Do you have processed cheese?
- What do you want?
- Any sharp.
- Right now, we float and sharpen!

The guy hurt his finger and came to the doctor.
The doctor says:
- Take off your clothes.
- What for?! I just hurt my finger ...
Male voice from behind the screen:
- What's this! I even came to fix the phone!

- Why flies constantly paws rub?
- They have on their paws the main erogenous zones ...

Bush says to Putin:
- You know, Vladimir, a lot of your compatriots are in our prisons!
- George, on our potato stems of your countrymen sits much more!

Nine-tenths of the world's population are sure that Columbus discovered America ...
One tenth - that it was discovered by the Vikings.
And it never occurs to anyone that it was discovered by the Indians!

Two Russian programmers are talking. One of the budget organization, the other from the commercial. The one that is commercial, asks:
- What is your salary?
- Two hundred bucks.
- Fine. And how much do you give to your wife?
- One hundred fifty.
- Well, you and greedy! I here on the list get a hundred bucks, and then I give my wife 10 times more!

The husband decided to unexpectedly visit his wife on a business trip. Arrived, immediately got into bed, rough sex, rapid orgasm. Screams from behind the wall:
- Well fuck it down, please! I can’t sleep with you for five nights already!

- Who is this appetino crunches? Maybe chips "estrell"?
- No - it's me, fucking cockroach press ...

Advertising news:
... is your energy with you? Release her!
- Dawa-ay, dava-ay, throwing the TV out of the window-a-ah! ..

Sidorov stole his wife from Ivanov. Ivanov kept silent and married a second time.
Sidorov took his second wife away from Ivanov. Ivanov married the third.
In general, when Sidorov married the fifth wife of Ivanov, he could not resist:
- What are you, you bastard, take all my wives? Others also have wives!
And then Sidorov spread his hands and said:
- And what if I only trust your taste ?!

Morning of the working day. A traffic cop stops the 600th Merc:
- Inspector Ivanov. Have not had breakfast!
- Killer Petrov. Already at work.

- And now Dima will tell you the story "The Case in the Forest", which he invented himself.
- I did not invent anything. True, they were naked!

- How does a real man determine the moment of partner's orgasm?
- This is not a real man fuck!

From life.
Estonia ahead of the rest!
They also introduced this crap, with the prohibition of trade in alcohol at night ...
So they managed to arrange in their stores hire alcohol.
In short, you take half a liter, you make a pledge, you leave. Later you have to either return the vodka, or leave yourself, losing a deposit.
Do I have to say that the deposit is equal to the cost of the bottle?
By legal nature, this is no longer a sale and purchase and therefore does not fall under the law on the restriction of trade in alcohol.

- Why are you so sad?
- Why, last night I met a girl, so cool they walked, that-that - so she fucks cool ...
- So what, you can not forget it?
- Yes, no ... remember ...

Wife reprimands husband after visiting strip show:
- Not only did you put as much as 100 bucks under the gum of the panty dancer, you also looked in there!
- Pretty! I thought there to find a change!

- For 14 years now you have been constantly correcting me in everything! - the husband is indignant.
- 15 years, dear, 15!

The most dreary and unpopular “Parliamentary Hour” program could have become the most fun and top rated if it were given in Goblin translation.

In any case, the main thing for us is quality and time. Therefore, at first we think for a long time how to get better at it, and then we will definitely and quickly end it all.

I think that soon our native Duma will pass a law on the replacement of education and health care with preferential payments.

Mytishchi District Court has banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.

My wife had a false pregnancy. Now false children are running around the house.

Two parents in black slippers broke into the children's room last night, ordered everyone to lie down facing the wall, and they themselves took out a large amount of computer consoles from the children's book.

The guy picking his index finger in the nose, is suitable during a disco for a standing girl:
- Let's dance ?!
- I don't dance with such people!
(flick the flick off with a finger):
- Why is it so?

From life.
Yesterday a friend came to his wife. I hear a conversation in the kitchen:
- Understand, this is the SOL OF DESIRE such, FENHUI is called ...
... Zarzhal the entire apartment ...
Fen Shui, fools !!!

The Frenchman and the German walk past the pond. Near the water sits a girl with a fishing rod.
- Mademoiselle, you are charming against the backdrop of nature, you have a beautiful fishing rod, and by the way, how are you biting?
- They bite badly - I forgot to take the bait ...
- Oh, mademoiselle - yes you are sitting on such an enticing "bait"!
The girl laughed, the men went on ...
After a while, the German asks the Frenchman:
- Listen - how did you know that she has worms ?!

Is it true that if a triangle with the letter W is installed on the car, then the Specialist drives the car?
The girl was so terrible that the neighboring cats tried to bury her a couple of times in the sandbox.
Sober drunk is not a friend, but a means of transportation.
All people stand differently. Like portraits on the bills.
Gaskets - the art of making even monthly.
Cigarette smokers die of lung cancer, pipe smokers from lip cancer, non-smokers from all other cancers.
Do you want to become a good oligarch - download oil and do not download rights.
Intuition is the ability of the head to smell an ass.
Keep your mouth shut - ready.
Cultural man instead of "fuck" writes "finally."

In the dining car:
- Waiter, I'm waiting for beer for 200 kilometers ...

From life.
Today in the smoking room I heard the expression of one of our nurses:
- Incest is such a thing that the whole family can do ...
Such here we have funny sisters ...

- Did you buy sausage?
- Sausage ?! Did not drink!

Relationships at work are reminiscent of life on a sea reef - there are sharks and small fish both there and there ...
With only one difference - on the reef you are surrounded by arthropods, and at work
- arthritis ...

From life.
I bought a daughter a four-year coloring the other day. There on each page - simple two-line rhymes about the painted animal.
So, under one cute kitten the following is written (I read my daughter out loud, with an expression, for all):
"Tied a bow on the pussy,
It’s better to give a sausage. "
Reading stopped for a long time ...

- What does your dog eat?
- Yes, yesterday, I bit my knee over that man.
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappy" with a taste of his knees over that guy ...

- Honey, are you unfriendly and rude today ... Do you have pre-or post-menstrual syndrome?
- Vme-e-esto !!!

- Sun!
- What, cat?
- Fish, make breakfast.
- Of course, bear.
- Thank you, swallow.
- Not at all, goat.
- I love you, pussy!
- I love you too, bunny!
- Wait a minute! You also do not remember my name? !!

- I am in a bar ... Anyone to bring something?
- Bring me Lenya from there - I urgently need him ...

Two friends are talking:
- You understand, lately I somehow feel insecure ...
- And what is the reason? What, for example, did he come home late? Or maybe some incomprehensible calls, or lipstick on a shirt?
- No, it seems everything is in order - but still somehow restless ...
- You know, my dear - all men are divided into three categories: impotent women, womanizer and homosexuals ... So you just decide who suits you better ...

Mind a man does not understand
Powerless logic-science.
You give yourself to him - say "fuck",
And if you don’t give up, the bitch will say.

I love, fuck, author's song,
when you sit fucking by the fire.
When, fuck, we fucking fuck together,
sit, fucking fucking till morning ...

During a plane crash over the tundra, Georgians fell in soft snow along with their tangerines. He skidded and he freezes.
Goes past the Chukchi and sees - a new snowdrift! He gets a blue Georgian, puts him in a sledge and takes him to his tent. There pours a glass of vodka and says:
- Are you Georgian? Then say a toast!
Trembling Georgian with a glass in his hand:
- If they say to me at home in hot weather - Givi, dear, let's drink some wine in the shade, where it is cooler - I will mourn his mother !!!

There is no gender equality: the peeping of women's panties from the trousers is considered erotic, and the peeping of men's panties from the unclosed fly is unsuitable.

The young man heard a frightened cry and saw that someone was floundering among the waves in the sea. He rushed to help and, diving several times under the water, pulled out a young beautiful girl who could hardly breathe.
On the shore, their mother was already waiting for them. Strictly looking at the savior, she
- Young man, immediately explain to me why you were under water for so long with my daughter!

- Grandfather, what is your last name?
- Sidorov we.
“So there are many of you here?”
- No, I'm alone. This is my last name: Sidorovymi.

Switzerland. Alps. Expensive restaurant with a balcony over the precipice. At the table sits a man in a suit with a box of expensive Swiss chronometers and throws them down one by one, thoughtfully watching the flight ...
Visitors curiously ask the bartender what is happening.
- New Russian, gentlemen ... Melancholy! Looks like time flies ...

Give the medal to the mother-heroine. Flowers, correspondents ...
- How many children do you have?
- Eight.
- And age?
- 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.
- So, 6 years ago you decided that you already had enough?
- Well no. Just bought a TV ...

After the next report from the biathlon tracks, Dmitry Guberniev received a severe reprimand from the management of the Sport channel - he incorrectly indicated the terms of the menstrual cycles of our biathletes ...

“Why don't blacks eat chocolate bars?”
- And they are afraid to bite off their fingers ...

- How did you celebrate Maslenitsa?
- Wonderful! In the morning I burned a scarecrow of the mother-in-law - she understood the hint and left in the evening.

“Defendant, what did you do with the hundred dollars that were stolen?”
“I spent it on Mary, the cabaret girl.”
- Do not deceive the court. Mary never takes the five more!

From life.
We sit, then, at a lecture on economics. The teacher - an important such Jew - has long been writing some formulas on the board.
As a result, his result does not agree with what he needs, he starts looking for an error and
- Well, here, in the demand formula, I lied ...
Suddenly, everyone in the audience dies down and you can hear a quick grunt from the back of the desk.
- Oh, you old cunt ...

From life.
How to influence people (Carnegie rests).
My brother, a civil aviation worker, told me.
The picture is as follows. The plane flight is quite local, from Siberia to Siberia.
Before landing, the flight attendant, as expected, announces:
- Citizens passengers! Fasten your seat belts.
Well, the people, for the most part, begin to fasten themselves. A seven by eight guy sits in the first row, and insolently ignores this reasonable demand.
The stewardess, looking at the fellow, repeats:
- Citizens passengers! Fasten your seat belts!
The reaction is again zero.
Then the phrase is repeated personally to him:
- Citizen! Fasten your seat belt !!!
In response, you should:
- Fuck you ...
Well, the girl, of course, offended and went to complain to the commander.
A minute later, a squash comforter flies out (short, a lean little man, moreover a lisping lisp), jumps to this cupboard and utters the following monologue:
- Music! Here you imagine yourself! Now at the landing, if I hit the runway by the band, the plane would stop, but you went further. Baska forward. And here you are, a peg'wuyy peg'ebog'ku (bends fingers), the second peg'ebog'ku, tg'etyu peg'bog'ku and find yourself in my cabin. The question is - why the fuck are you talking to me there?
The guy SILENT clips on. Salon in touch. A curtain.

In the toilet it is better to be a user than an admin ...
To spoil decent girls is much nicer than fixing whores!
Russians, congratulations! Pierre Narcissa is running out of a visa!
"A rare woman will fly to the middle of the river!" - joked Stepan Razin.
According to most women, a good man should be not only much, but often.
Vitali Klitschko is accused of racism. There are videos where he hits blacks!
To drink - to harm health, and not to drink - to harm the state.
Tell me who your president is and I will tell you who these 70% are.
To whom life is theater, and to whom is a hanger.
In each hospital, there are two types of patients: some are seriously ill, others complain of food.
The ostrich does not hide its head in the sand; it is it that it doomedly substitutes another place ...
In sports megalomania helps badly. But a persecution craze helps.
The meaning of life is needed in order to have something to think about in the toilet!

"The Mummy Returns" - a concert by Lyudmila Gurchenko.

- And yesterday I bought myself a SuperMAZ.
- What for?
- Panymah, SuperMAZ - this is such a special maz, you put it on your hand - and all are good.

- Pour it, dad.
- My child, this is the third, you burst.
- ABOUT! You'll burst!

- you put the mushrooms?
A guest:
- No, thanks, I only like to collect mushrooms!
- As you wish! I can scatter on the floor ...

“Boy, where are you from?”
- I am from Moscow.
- Ha !! From Moscow, he ... I never saw you there once!

- Darling - and your husband knows that you are cheating on him?
- My ?! No ... And yours knows!

He is enthusiastic:
- Wow!!!
She is embarrassed:
- I still only take ...

From life.
The other day I was driving in a minibus, in front of me a mother with a daughter, a daughter from kindergarten, as far as I understood - and she tells her mother:
“You see what my handkerchief is clean ...”
Pulls out of pocket:
- Because I wiped my sooty sleeve ...
I thought that I would slide down from the chair ...

In the toilet it is better to be a user than an admin ...

- Lieutenant, and how did you know my age?
- On annual rings, madam, on your neck ...

Her blond curls were knocked out from under the lace apron.

In the restaurant. Wife - husband (indignantly):
- I saw that while you were returning from the toilet back to the table, you peeked at the asses of all the waitresses!
Husband (condescendingly):
- What are you, dear - I just wiped my hands ...

“Where did you get such a beautiful watch?”
- From sister.
“But you don't have a sister.”
- Yes, but it is written on them.

The son quarreled with his father and said to him:
“What a punishment I have with you!” If you were not born, I would have received an inheritance from my grandfather!

Father says adult daughter:
- There, near the house, your boyfriend is waiting for you.
- Yes? And how do you know, daddy, that this is my boyfriend?
“He has my favorite cufflinks on his shirt.”

- Gentlemen! Now I will read the articles in which the defendant was prosecuted earlier.
- Please, I do not mind. But then there would be no complaints that I delayed the consideration of the case.

During the lessons on overcoming the water obstacles, the motorized infantry unit on a raft had to cross over to the other side of a very deep river.
- Have you ever lost in this place? one shy soldier asked the officer.
“No,” the officer replied. “In the past lessons, one soldier drowned here, but the next day we found him.”

- Alfred, why are you so sad?
- It seems my wife stopped loving me.
- How did you get this?
“Can you imagine me returning home last night, and she is standing on the threshold in a transparent nightgown.”
- So this is great! And what happened next?
- It turned out that she didn’t meet me, but was just returning home!

The husband in a dream mutters:
- Nadya, Nadya!
Wife, pushing him in the side, threateningly asks:
- This is what else Nadya? !!!
- Yes, something became colder. Put one more blanket on me!

Of course, it is convenient to stick reminders on the monitor about what needs to be done today urgently.
It is inconvenient that in six months they get unstuck.

Sunday election
The man voted, goes home. Then a neighbor runs past him at breakneck speed.
- Wait, where are you rushing to?
- Why, meet your beloved grandmother ...
“So you died five years ago ?!
- So I thought so, but in the second election they are already saying: "Yes, I just was, I voted and have already left ...".

- Girl, you are charming! Looking at you, I want to write poems!
- A fuck ... Muse, shit ...

I loved you, but fuck you!
I want to fuck like a wolf.
It will be years, breasts sag,
Pussy this will not be ...

After pink in Georgia and orange in Ukraine, tulip is expected in Kyrgyzstan and PLANNED in Uzbekistan ...

The husband says to his wife:
“You bought glasses and condoms yesterday.” So, condoms are small to me, and very high. Well, what is it?
- Well, maybe it messed up a bit. Condoms, I generally bought by eye.
- mixed up? Then everything is clear, I bought condoms by eye, and glasses - very good, fuck it.

After the announcement of the results of the entrance examinations to the institute, two freshly baked students are talking:
- Well, here we are now, one can say, the intelligentsia ...
- What?
- Dick over your shoulder !!! Intellectuals, I say ...

... Masha, although my girlfriend - but such a fool, what the world has not yet seen.
First he will sleep with a guy - and then he asks me to find out his name ...
And I also have to sleep with him to find out his name ...

From life.
Flu ... His head is cracking, he breaks bones, and it is terrible to move because of the instability of the stomach. Therefore, I lie on the bed and suffer.
A husband enters the bedroom with visible signs of spermotoxicosis throughout his body and begins to sexually harass. After sluggish otmashek, they say, I do not want, tired, etc., it is necessary to explain popularly that I feel very bad and not to carnal comfort to me ...
He continues to persuade:
- And we are so slowly, carefully ...
- Yes, no, I can not even move.
- And we are crustaceans, I'll do all the work for you ...
- I'm going to throw up now.
- And we over the toilet ...
Caring it with me.

The corporate spirit is the youngest of the employees who washes socks to the heads of departments, and counts the directors to days until retirement.
Without a booze you can't pull a woodpecker out of a hollow!
If the promise is not fulfilled by the deadline, then it is necessary either to extend the deadline, or to cancel the promise, or to punish the person to whom it was promised.
The minimum amount of money that is enough for you to go to work every day and not go to the barricades in the evening is called a salary.
When it comes to the division of property, it turns out that there is a lot in common between a husband and wife!
If you are not satisfied with your salary, give it to your wife!
Maybe the work is not a very pleasant activity, but you have to go somewhere in the morning.
With age, you realize that sex is not the most important thing, and it's time to do something else, for example, to start earning.
... But after masturbation do not have to talk!
Oil "Gold" - on it to fuss pizdato !!!

- Imagine, one of my friends today marries his sister!
- But this is impossible!
- Maybe. He is a doctor...

One lady, yielding to the artist's harassment, agrees to sleep with him.
She goes to bed and waits for her lover to undress. Finally, he comes up to her naked, and she rolls with laughter:
- When you introduced me as a miniaturist, I went through all the reasons for your vocation, except this one!

The student asks the dean:
- I did not pass the third re-take, what should I do now?
- And now you need to pass a medical examination ...

Biology lesson. The teacher tells the children:
- Children! You know that the stamen and pistil of the flowers are reproductive organs ...
From the back of the little Vovochka:
- Fuck ... And I smelled them ...

- Honey, delicious cake!
- In the store bought.
- Do you bake it yourself?
- Of what? We have neither flour, nor eggs, nor sodium glutamate, nor E517, nor E1452! ...

The traffic police department decided to introduce a new sign on the roads of Russia.
Called Joker.
Joker can be any sign at the request of the traffic police inspector.

There are no wings. Just die and that's it.

- I’ve bought some kids champagne for New Year. We tasted it and it began ... Children's vodka, children's cigarettes, children's women ... In the morning I had to run after the children's beer! ..

Early morning. Phone call.
- Is this a seismic station?
- Yes, this is a seismic station.
- Tell me, what is happening there? Earthquake?
- Nothing happens. Everything is quiet.
- Everything is quiet?! And this, in your opinion, "everything is calm"?
- Yes, citizen. Everything is calm with us.
“If everything is calm with you, then why does it shake me like that since morning ?!”

- Your legs remind me of the architecture of Paris!
- What, the Eiffel Tower?
- No, the Arc de Triomphe ...

- Mahn, can you imagine ... Fedka has a straight iron member!
- What do you mean?
- Yes! In the cold licked - tongue stuck!

Fulfill the desire of a woman - and she will enter your home.
Give her a goldfish - and you will find yourself on the street.

In prison, after a meeting with his wife, a convict shmonayut in full.
A well-known (in certain circles) exercise is performed: a stripped naked groin does squats. A hundred bucks rolled up out of the anus.
Zek, making the characteristic gesture "The Age of Will Not See!":
- Boss, I will - fuck up !!!