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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


- Honey, let's go look at the stars.
- I will not look at the stars without a condom!

- How much do you hang?
- Fuck me ...
- Speak for sure!
- I just fuck !!!

"02" - if somewhere a person is in trouble.
"03" - if somewhere a person got into "02".

According to an informed source from the government’s administration, the decision that before boarding the plane all passengers must take off their rails at the controls was made thanks to strong lobbying by the manufacturers of men's socks.

If, having come to the ATM, you have forgotten the pin-code of your credit card - do not worry.
Ask someone to put a hot iron on your stomach - instantly remember.

Improved conditions for the detention of prisoners in pre-trial detention centers of the ел nalnok region. Now here in each cell there is a TV, a fridge, a toaster, an electric kettle, a coffee maker ...
There is only an outlet where all this is included.

New triptych "Portrait of Yegor Gaidar".
The central part is the portrait of the politician, and the left and the right are his cheeks.

Mayonnaise "Makeev"! The best way to gather the whole family ... near the toilet!

- Put, please, Kipelov's song about impotent ...
- What kind of song is this?
“Well, this one:“ I'm free! I forgot what the fuck means ... ”.

- Listen, Manya - yesterday we heard the cuckoo with your Vaska while hunting ...
Vaska and asked: "The cuckoo, the cuckoo - and how long do I have to live?". She bore him so much, bored so much! Who knew that this feathered damn per second billing ...

- Geese-geese!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- LOL want?
- Gee-gee-gee!

- Where is our third company? According to the plan they are supposed to return from intelligence!
- They reported that now they are catching up, comrade general!
- That is good! Eagles! Tell them not to be in a hurry and, when they catch up, they can be pushed in even an hour.

The Ministry of Culture needs movers. Knowledge of Russian is UNDESIRABLE!

- Man, tell me what you think about our press?
- That she's lying!
- And why?
- Because a year ago I married an ad in the newspaper on a "beautiful and intelligent girl"!

The first privately owned mint in the world, located in one of the houses on Malaya Arnautskaya Street, on the occasion of its eleventh anniversary, issued a commemorative coin worth eleven American dollars.

- You do not go out next?
- And how did you guess?
- First, you lie with your back to the door!

- Here KAMAZ is a good car! I bought - and I do not regret. No one ...

- Come, Svetka, swim ... Here, they say, there are so many micro-orgasms in the water ...
- Probably microorganisms?
- Well, it depends on how to swim!

- Bond, James Bond...
- Brother, nurse ...

There is a man in the woods. Meet him an old woman. The man says:
- Grandma, what are you doing in such a wilderness?
Grandma answers:
- I, son, Baba Yaga. I walk, here, in the forest, I collect fly agaric. Then I mix it up with shit and insist on alcohol. It turns out healing tincture, I sell it to people, and so I live. Do you want to tell you the secret of healing tinctures?
- No, thank you, grandmother, - the man says, - I do know how to make money on shit with fly agarics.
- Well, then goodbye, son ... All the best!
- And you, Grandma, goodbye!
Baba Yaga turned around and went to her side, and Pelevin in her ...

- Your wife, who disappeared a month ago, was found today in the forest under the snow.
- Thank God! And I thought she had gone to another!

Three friends talk about sex. One husband has a doctor, the second has an architect, the third has a military ...
“My whole time sterilizes everything ...”
- And my all current plans and plans ...
- And my put me in a corner - and says: "Fuck you march!"
Both in chorus:
- And sho? !!!
- Sho-sho ... Well, if I get the first time ... And if not, I’m marching all night!

- "Will you fuck" spelled with a soft or hard sign?
- With an exclamation !!!

Patient at the doctor:
- Doctor, I recently can not distinguish where I am - in real life or on the Internet ...
The doctor tilts his head to the side, smiles and says:
- Gee-gee-gee, huyase ...

Sit two hunters. Old young says:
- When you go to the forest - you are the main thing, no-no, do not be afraid of anything ... Here you go in the forest, on-on-found traces - and follow the trail. The main thing - no-no-do not be afraid of anything ... Here you come to the be-be-den. The main thing - no-no-do not be afraid of anything ...
You shove the barrel in the be-lair, shoot-shoot. The main thing - no-no-do not be afraid of anything. Me-me-bear will pop out his face - you smear his face with shit, smear shit ...
Young:
- Where can I get it? !!
- Shit will - you are the main thing no-no-do not be afraid of anything ...

From life.
The emergency room of the Central District Hospital.
Call the doctor on duty: they brought the boy with a burn. A 15-year-old boy is sitting in the lookout, anxious parents are in the “waiting room” of the waiting room.
Doctor:
- What happened?
Boy, swallowing tears:
- Gasoline with a friend in the garage was cast from the canister ...
- Well...
- It is dark there, it was not visible ... Well, the match was lit - to see how much is left ...
Doctor, after a pause:
- I saw how much is left? ...
Here comes the cry of the father of the undead from the “waiting room”:
- TWO QUARTERS SAW !!!

The patient is with a psychiatrist.
- People consider me impudent, arrogant and obsessive.
- I understand. Now I need to make some notes. Could you let go of my knee for a few minutes.

- Doctor, what should I do? Every night I dream that
I am a cow and chew
the grass.
- Well, it's not so scary ...
- Yes, but when I wake up in the morning, the half-sheet is like not
happened!

- Well, great, doctors! Where is your psychoanalyst?
- Which the?
- who said yesterday that my problem is that I
never
I can kill a man ..

Nightmare preference:
"I play, it means, miserable. I go, I go, I go ..."

Literature lesson at school. An excellent student Lena asks:
- Mar Bath! What is a tautology?
- Tautology, children, this is when two words mean the same thing.
For example, you can not say "glass glass" because once
it is glass, then it is glass! Who can come up with another example
tautology?
Petya:
- Mar Bath! You can not say "wood tree" because once
it is wood, it is wooden.
M.I .:
- So, please, you, Olya!
Olya:
- Mar Bath! You can't say tin tin, because ... etc.
M.I .:
- And you, Little Johnny, invented? Well done!
Little Johnny:
- Mar Bath, you can not say "fucking mother," because she is a mother,
then she .. ebena!

Two crocodiles are swimming, they saw a monkey sitting on a branch by a tree.
One to another and says:
- Come on a monkey having fun, ask if she is married.
Will say
married, say: "But who took this?!"; and if she says unmarried,
then we say: "But who will take this one ?!"
The second agreed. Swim up, ask:
- Are you married, monkey?
- Yes, what is married here, all around the crocodiles!

HOT SNACK
Burning eyes stewed in sour cream
Salt oriental
Cockroach baked in dough by mistake Nose in Belyashi tobacco with a Red Guard Hamburgers, Yamburgers, Yekaterinburg

FIRST MEAL
Soup RAM in Tatar (62 kilobytes)
Cabin, chopped from the post. oiled
Stigma in your own gun
Steam cutlets with a fireman
Goulash "Stay up late" with girls
Pork heat. with horseradish. characters than
Trouble with meat

PORTING DISHES
Fillet Piggy
Hegemones under the yoke
Japanese in his own. sake
Fowl, chopped by an airplane propeller Carp mirror in a frame of St. of vegetables

- Young man! What do you think, in which month is better
just get married?
- In matryabre ...
- So, there is no such month?!?!
- That's it....

Three kids talk:
1st: I'm 5 years old. How old are you?
2nd: And I'm 4.
3d: I don't know ;-(
1st: Do you drink vodka? Are you walking with women? Do you smoke?
3d: He-a.
2nd: Ah, two years.

- Doctor, my child does not pronounce the letter "P" ..
- Your child probably has the wrong _prick_
- God be with you, the lecturer, what _prick_ ?! I have a girl!

An advertising agent comes into the apartment and without letting it come to his senses to the owners quickly pours in the hallway the garbage brought in beforehand and says: - I am ready to eat everything that our wonderful vacuum cleaner doesn’t clean out and I want to offer you to buy it! Madame where are you ?! - In the kitchen for a spoon. We have no electricity for the second day!

Carl Clara was inclined to plow.

... If at the beginning of the film a huge artificial member hangs on the wall ...
Laziness is when you see the need to do something, but you don’t want to but something
- This is when you want something, but you do not see the need to do it.
At any cost - but only for free ...
Who is not with us - he drank us.
The brain is the organ we think we are thinking.
Good habits prolong life, and bad habits make it enjoyable.
Very strange: why the wolf blew, and the roof was blown down by pigs?
If a person does not want to believe in your humanism, then you can try torture.
According to the latest research programmers are not born - it is the effects of birth trauma.
A member fell and can not get up - he is waiting for someone to help him ...
And it's bad to be a bird - you want to kiss your mother and peck her.
If you do not hold politicians by the balls - then they fuck you in the ass.

- Mom, I'm going home - to buy something?
- Buy yourself an apartment, you bastard, and live separately!

Billiard room. An administrator approaches a lonely gaming client:
- How are you doing?
- Here, for an hour I roll balls - and I can’t score anything!
- It is understandable - the ping-pong table ...

- What fish do you want to catch?
- Tavern.
- There is no such fish!
- How is it not? Caviar is - and there is no fish? !!

- But in our apartment the cat does not mark angles!
- Yes, he ohrenel! He thinks everything is here !!!

- Why is the rabbit afraid of a boa constrictor?
“Because he doesn't know where to fuck him ...”

Husband and wife are sitting in a restaurant. The husband will crack the meat like a knife - it flies off to his wife on the blouse.
Wife strictly:
- Peter, well, look! I look like a pig!
- Yes, I know ... By the way, and you have a dirty blouse ...

From life.
Pleased colleague, retired colonel. However, according to him, the intelligence officers do not quit.
- What's the matter? Why kind of sick, why the left eye does not open?
- Migraine - I say.
- What is the left hemisphere responsible for?
- For the logic.
- So surrender to the feeling!

From life.
Interesting types began to appear among us among the conductors.
One of the episodes in the bus.
In the crowd of people insinuating voice conductor:
- And who here with the "fluffy" rides?
And a bit with ominous intonation adds.
- LET'S LET US WITH YOU TOGETHER WITH HIS LEANING!

An old man enters the eatery and addresses the owner:
- Son, do you have something soft to eat? And then I was completely without teeth.
- I can boil soft-boiled eggs for you.
- Oh, not this!
- Why?
- Creepy associations. All my life I worked as a jockey.

The dialogue between father and son, discuss the housing problem.
A son:
- Well, for another year the construction of the house was frozen. Another year I'm without a separate apartment. Live with you again. Although the apartment is large, but you can't call a girl or a party! Nothing is impossible at all.
Father, after a pause:
- Come on, I was even worse at your age! I was already married.

From life.
Night bar disco. Girls dancing around the pole. After the main program go to the tables for additional earnings under the name "private dance". At one table, a man is under 100 kg, the corresponding height.
A girl with two threads on her body begins to languidly rub around, since the table is richly covered and it is clear that the person has the money.
The man says complacently:
- Sunny, I work as a gynecologist - do you want to surprise me with something ?!
The girl changes in the face, goes to the next table!

At mistress:
- Wan, what are you, "Zaporozhets" bought?
- And how did you guess?
- Yes, you get me back behind?

- And I call my wife Tomahawk.
“Is she your Indian?”
- No, actually they call her Tamara, only she’s like a wicked dog!

Meets the Wolf in the forest Red Riding Hood and says:
- Well, Cap - you and I have two options for the development of events: either merger or absorption ...

- Listen, I watched this program "Supermodel". No there is my ideal!
All, of course, beautiful - but stupid !!! No, the truth is, there is one clever there - but she is bald ...
- This is Bondarchuk!

Interesting zoology. It turns out that the bite of a bee for its energy value replaces a spoonful of honey!

For you, inquisitive.
The Council of Ministers reports that September is ending September.

Subtleties of the charter.
If you steal the fence surrounding the military unit, then it will turn out to be AWOL.

- Guys! What to do? My son is growing greedy ... And who is he like that ?!
Maybe he should give him something for his birthday? ... Although, no ... You can get around ...

My dad, when he was washing, was sucked into the drain hole, and he only surfaced with a neighbor in the kitchen. Well, at least he told his mom.

Telephone call:
- Hello, is this a photo?
- No, this is a living person!

Pechkin:
- Why am I so angry before? Because I did not have a bicycle.
And now, when I don’t have a scooter, I’ll just kill you.

A divorced husband at a mass party sees his ex with a new man ...
After drinking a couple of glasses, decides to pin up that guy.
Suitable, it seems.
- Well, how is it - to drive a used car? - asks.
“There are no problems,” answers the second, “the main thing is to drive the first 5 centimeters, and then everything is new ...”

In the gay club:
- Well, let's play a point?

From life.
The real story told by my brother. Already practically became a joke.
He has a friend named Vlad, who works as a HR manager at Prombank. And at work he often has to deal with a Ukrainian commercial bank (UCB is abbreviated).
In general, he came out somehow, maybe because of need ... and the girl just calls to him ...
The employee asks - can he pass something?
She says:
- Tell that called Lena from UKB.
After the return of Vlad, an employee (with round balls, at least in a bowling game), says:
- Then you have some Lena called ... not only that bitch, so also "b" ...

Mid September. Drunk sits in the kitchen, thumps.
Radio weather forecast:
- It is expected warm cloudless weather. Indian summer.
The next morning, he with a hangover jumps out into the street for a beer in a t-shirt, sweat pants, slippers.
And then there is rain, wind, slush. He stands shivering with cold:
- Indian summer, Indian summer ... Damn autumn !!!

Two on the bus, returning from the theater, discuss the ballet theme:
- What a beautiful and aesthetic ballet! The elegance of the lines, the grace of movement, the quivering sensuality of images!
- Yes! Magnificent grace, subtle harmony of dance and musical accompaniment ...
Here the man from the next seat does not stand up and gets into the conversation:
- Yeah! Here, too, in the village of Manka, it’s like a half a kilo - then the duck is so furious under the harmonica !!!

When an Englishman goes to visit, he brings his dignity with him. When a Frenchman comes to visit, he leads his wife with him. When a Russian comes to visit, he takes his wife and children with him. When a Jew comes to visit, he carries with him a cake. === When an Englishman returns from a guest, he brings his dignity with him. When a Frenchman returns from a guest, he takes his mistress with him.
When Russian
returns from guests, his wife and children lead him. When a Jew returns from guests, he carries a cake with him. === At the same time, they think:
Englishman: not
did i drop my dignity? Frenchman: who did my wife go with? Russian: so what, that he hit my eye ?! But I knocked him two teeth! Jew:
who else to go to
until the cake dried up?

Got, it means, in a hole a lion (l), a fox (li), a hare (h), a monkey (o) and a hippopotamus. A lion,
naturally cool (king of beasts after all). And he begins to decide who to eat.
L: Well, what. Today we eat the eared one. Z: Why me ... O: Ah, hare, moron! Che grew ears? Now we will eat you! Ate a hare, licked their lips. The next day, I want to eat again. L: And today we will eat the most red. Lee: And me for what? A: Everything, red, you can't fool us!
Dope! We will eat and nothing from
you will not stay! I'm tired of this lion, but nothing can be done. Once decided to fox, then fox means. Ate. A day later, dinner time comes again.
L: We will eat now
very fucking! About runs up to the behemoth, gives him a kick:
Well! Get up!
I got lost!

I bought one Madame wardrobe (like everything in the scoop when disassembled). She dragged her home and decided to arrange a surprise for her husband, put together / scratch / tila / screw everything according to the instructions, it’s worth not admiring. Then the tram goes by, drove past, and the wardrobe and fell apart.
Collected the second time - the same story. I decided to ask a neighbor. I went to him, well, he was at home in family shorts and went to look.
Collected again by
tram - again the cabinet collapsed. Well, a neighbor and says, "Let's collect, I'll climb into it and look inside." No sooner said than done. Then the doorbell rings, Madame opens - there is a husband. He comes in, saw a closet, opens to him, and there, crouching, his neighbor stands in his family shorts. My husband's jaw on the floor.
- What are you doing here?
- Vasya, you will not believe. Tram waiting.

Moskvich in Kiev:
- Sorry, how papastsya in rasysiskaya embassy?
- It’s even simpler: navi rocket launcher, natis and ibob!

Situation. I work on the 3rd floor. On the 4th floor there is paper in the toilet, but there is no light (the light bulb has burned out like a week); on the fifth, there is no paper, but there is light. I was pressed down on the valve, I think: on the fifth without paper or ..., I chose the fourth. I ran, shut myself up, doing business.
Someone is pulling the handle:
- Is there anyone?
I will not answer in a strained voice, but at this time a loud puuk ...
Is he:
- I see, why not without light?
I am again a bunch-puuuuk ...
Is he:
- Got it ... - then he stood and added: - The first time with an ass
talking ... and everything is clear.

She is:
“Will you love me when my hair turns gray?” Is he:
- Of course! Why not? After all, I loved you when your hair was red, yellow, orange, blue, silver and even green!

Kovachi moved to a new apartment. A few days later a friend asks
Kovacs:
- Well, how do you feel in a new place?
- My wife was nervous at first, but now she feels great.
- she is already
quarreled with all the neighbors.

The girl is standing on the balcony. Past is a man. Girl suddenly
yells:
- The man! I am afraid of you!
- What are you afraid of me?
- And you will rape me!
“How can I rape you if I'm downstairs and you're on the balcony?”
- And now I'll come down to you ...

There are two pensioners. One says to the other: - Yeah-hh, young people now live poorly. Poor ....... But fun! I look at them, one cigarette five of us smoke, but still laugh.

Inscription on the garage:
"Cars, no pit, bike already stolen,
please do not worry. "

- What is the knot on your handkerchief?
- Mom tied, so I did not forget to pay for electricity.
- Well, did you pay?
- No, she forgot to give money.

Two friends stayed in a small hotel.
In the morning one asks the other:
- Well, how did you sleep?
- Very bad. I had a dead flea in bed.
“So she couldn't disturb you.”
“She could not, but she gathered at her funeral and commemoration.”
about fifty relatives.

A man who has not married before the age of thirty will risk getting married after thirty.
Strictly observing the rules of etiquette at a party, you will leave evil, sober and hungry.
After death, the righteous masochists go to heaven for eternal torment.
In the entertainment industry, the most successful idea was to divide people into two sexes ...
If you have no problems - look for a woman.
If the tax office is no longer interested in you, it means that you are doing something wrong.
The cowboy is not the one who shot first, but the one who got the first ...
Better cellulite in the hands than silicone on TV ...
To spend the evening in the company of two beautiful girls, you need one ugly girl and a bottle of vodka!
Staying on time is not the main thing, the main thing is to be able to park in the right place.
Did they throw you? Spread your wings and le-those-li-u! ..

- Andrei, I saw your register here ... Judging by the record book - you are a blonde!

- As from my mother's bedroom, bow-legged and lame ...
- And from Dad's - normal, pretty girl comes out!

The man opens the bottle, and from it the genie climbs:
- I will do everything you ask, but with one condition - your worst enemy will receive it 10 times more ...
Man:
- Well, well - I want to have a member of 25 centimeters in length !!!

- At the last presidential elections in Russia, two ballot boxes were installed to simplify the counting of votes. One is for Putin, the other is a paper shredder.

- And now - a good fairy tale. A girl ran outside a nuclear waste warehouse. Ran, tail waved!

- How will German "I love you"?
- Their lib dich.
- And in English?
- I love you!
- And how will it be in Krasnodar?
- Come quickly in the car!

The guy with the girl making love.
Is he:
- Well, what are you lying like a tree? !!
She is:
- Get down ... Woodpecker!

- Yesterday I walked with my girlfriend through the city all night. Everything was like in
verses: night, street, lantern, pharmacy ...

- Oh you, my little one!
- Yes, eh? ..
- You're my little baby!
- Do not exaggerate...

Textbook "Resistance of materials". Volume 1 - "Women".

- Honey, I'll call you back later! You see, I can't swear right now!

- Mom, I tell you, well, she does not listen to me at all! Not only that - she herself does not say a single word! Mom, I can't take it anymore! What should I do?!
- Stop whining, Major, and go continue the interrogation!

Psychologists have established how a person behaves who wants to borrow money from you: his eyes are friendly, his face is open, his hand is slightly stretched forward, there is a gun in it.

Abram meets Moishe:
- Listen, could you give a friend a hundred rubles loan?
- Could. But I have no friends.

Report from the shore.
I will tell you about warships. Each of them has its own story. Here - "Fearless", here - "Merciless", but here - constantly under repair - "Unconscious".

The teaching staff of one of the most prestigious lyceums in our city is justly proud of Oleg Sinkin. In just six months, he fully learned the multiplication table, the basic rules of the Russian language, but the main thing was that he stopped pestering everyone with the question: "Why is it fun that I’m having a director here?"

Three men argue who has a better wife in bed.
One says:
- My wife is like a volcano! So hot ...
The second says:
- And my like the wind! Flies, tears clothes, and away ...
Third:
- And my like a pool ...
- What, so quiet?
- Yes, it seems to be quiet - but as a suck ...!

Anna Netrebko was awarded the State Prize of the Russian Federation for the best performance of the part of Monika Lewinsky!

- Tell me, holy father, why does the choir sing in the Catholic Church under the harpsichord, organ or harmonium, and we, the Orthodox, sing without accompaniment?
- The fact is, my son, that you will not drink real talent. But the harpsichord - how nehui do ...

The perfumery set for gambling has entered the market: deodorant "Jackpot" and shampoo "Jack-dandruff".

Putin arrives at a sushi bar with Fradkov and Ivanov.
The officer asks:
- What will you be?
Putin:
- Fish.
Officer:
- And the vegetables?
Putin:
- Vegetables too fish will be.

- You have not seen me in a fight yet! I'm so fucked !!!

- Natalia, you are a teacher of literature! You must teach children the beautiful, not how to open the bottles with your eyes!

- Professor, and I will have a machine?
- Yes, and tarpaulin boots ...

- I bought the soap "Dove"!
- Lived! She bought the fruit-milk ... That is, without soap, we cannot squeeze out the soap!

News feed.
The country's chief sanitary doctor assured the residents that this year the watermelons are so safe that you can even bury the crusts, and not burn them as before ...

Maxim Galkin goes to the porch - shake out the bucket in the garbage chute.
Suddenly, someone runs up to him from behind, throws his head back, forcefully opens his mouth and pours vodka into it. Then he runs away, and from below he can hear an exultant cry:
- Gang! I myself drank vodka with Galkin himself!

- Mama! I want a little brother!
- Well, I do not know ... Well, go talk to him ...

“I’m not saying that your mother doesn’t cook well,” says the bridegroom to the bride, “but I seem to be beginning to understand why you are praying before eating ...”

- Honey, I still can not marry you!
- Why ?!
- They say that you already had a lot of men ...
- You don't like how I cook?
- No, that you! I did not try such yummy!
“Then maybe you don't like how I clean the house ?!”
- What are you doing? You are cleaner than in the operating room!
- Maybe you do not like how I receive guests? !!
- What are you talking about? Everything is absolutely delighted!
- Maybe I am not satisfied with you in bed? !!!!!!
- Yes, I even could not imagine that you can get such pleasure ...
- So what do you think - that I learned all this through correspondence courses? !!

Passenger liner. 9000 meters above ground.
The plane gets into the airhole ... well shaken ... screams, screams ...
Stewardess:
- So, quickly calmed down! Take all the places! I told someone! ... Stop running around and climb walls! Stop yelling! You, where are you digging ??? ... Well, there are bags for this !!! ... And what are you? Eb ... you managed it, stoll? Well, like children, fucking ... So - everything, sat on the seats, calmed down, buckled themselves up! All y ... well ... I'll go calm the passengers ...