My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

- Honey, let's go look at the stars.
- For the stars will not go to watch without a condom!

- As you hang up?
- I fuck ...
- Speak for sure!
- I definitely fuck !!!

"02" - if there's a person in trouble.
"03" - if there's a man got to "02".

As reported to us, the informed source in the government administration, the decision that before boarding all passengers should be sure to take off one's shoes on the control, it was decided by the powerful lobbying by manufacturers of men's socks.

If going to the ATM, you forget the PIN code of your credit card - do not worry.
Ask someone to put to your stomach a hot iron - instantly remember.

Improve the conditions of prisoners in detention centers B elnokovskoy area. Now, here in each chamber have a TV, fridge, toaster, electric kettle, coffee maker ...
Not only outlet where all this turn.

New triptych "Portrait of Yegor Gaidar."
The central part - a portrait of the policy, and the left and right - his cheeks.

Mayonnaise "Makeyev"! The best way to gather the whole family ... next to the toilet!

- Design your please Kipelova song about impotent ...
- This is what the song is that?
- Well, this: "I am free I forgot what it means to fuck ...!".

- Hey, Manya - we were yesterday with your Vaska hunting cuckoo heard ...
Vaska and asked: "Cuckoo, cuckoo - and gallop I would live?". She nakukovala him so much, so much nakukovala! Who knew that this damn feathered on per-second billing ...

- Geese, geese!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- LOL you want?
- Ha-ha-ha!

- Where is our third company? According to them the plan has already been made to come back from Intelligence!
- They said that it is now catching up, Comrade General!
- That is good! Eagles! Tell them not to hurry and catch up when, that are more poodzhimatsya hour.

The Ministry of Culture requires porters. Knowledge of the Russian language Bad!

- Man, tell me what you think of our media?
- What she's lying!
- And why?
- Because I got married a year ago, according to a newspaper ad in the "beautiful and intelligent girl"!

The world's first private mint, located, as it is known, in one of the houses on the street Little Arnaut, on the occasion of his eleventh birthday issued a commemorative coin in eleven US dollars.

- You do not go to the next?
- And how did you know?
- First, you lie back against the door!

- Here KAMAZ - a good car! I bought - and have no regrets. No one ...

- Come on, Sveta, swim ... Here, they say, in the water as much mikroorgazmov ...
- Probably microorganisms?
- Well, it depends on how to swim!

- Bond, James Bond...
- Brother, nurse ...

There is a guy in the woods. Towards him the old woman. The man says:
- Grandma, what are you doing in this wilderness?
Grandmother says:
- I, my son, Baba Yaga. I go, here, in the woods, collecting toadstools. Then from a mix by shit, and I insist on alcohol. Obtained healing tincture, I sell it to people, the more I live. If you want, and you tell the secret of healing tincture?
- No, thank you, Grandma, - says the man - as money on shit with amanita do I know myself.
- Well, then, good-bye, my son ... All the best!
- And you, Grandma, bye!
Baba Yaga turned and went to her side, and Pelevin in his ...

- Your wife, missing a month ago, now found in the woods in the snow.
- Thank God! And I really thought that she had gone to the other!

Three friends talking about sex. One husband, a doctor, in a second architect, a third soldier ...
- My all time sterilizes all ...
- And my all Toko plans and plans ...
- And mine put me in a corner - and says: "On the dick quick march!"
Both in unison:
- And Shaw? !!!
- Sho-sho ... Well, if you'll get the first time ... And if not - so all night marching!

- "Zaebёshsya" is written with a soft or hard sign?
- With an exclamation !!!

A patient at the doctor:
- Doctor, I recently can not tell where I am - in real life or on the Internet ...
Dr. tilts her head to the side, smiles and says:
- Ha-ha-ha, huyase ...

Sit two hunter. Old said to the young:
- You'll go to the woods when - you are not the main thing-not-do not be afraid ... Here you go in in the woods, on-to-find tracks - and go on the trail. The main thing - no, no, do not be afraid ... Here you come to the baa-baa-den. The main thing - no, no, do not be afraid ...
Suёsh trunk in baa-baa-den-Streit Streit-shoot. The main thing - no, no, do not be afraid. Me-me-bear face puts out - you smear his face in the shit, smear shit ...
- And where to take it? !!
- Shit is - you are not the main thing-not-do not be afraid ...

From life.
Foster peace in Central District Hospital.
Cause the doctor on duty: they brought the boy to burn. The lookout sits a boy about 15 years, in the "waiting room" foster peace alarmed parents.
- What happened?
Boy, swallowing tears:
- Petrol with a friend in the garage were cast out of the canister ...
- Well...
- It's dark, could not see ... Well, I lit a match - to see how much is left ...
The doctor, after a pause:
- I saw, how much is left ...?
Here is heard the cry of the father of this ignoramus "waiting room":
- Two blocks SAW !!!

The patient with a psychiatrist.
- People think I'm cocky, arrogant and intrusive.
- I understand. Now I need to make some notes. Could you for a few minutes to let my knee.

- Doctor, what should I do? Every night I dream that
I chew cow and
- Well, that's not so bad ...
- Yes, but when I wake up in the morning, they do not polmatratsa

- Well, great doctors! And where is that your analyst?
- Which the?
- Who said yesterday that my problem is that I
I can kill a man ..

Nightmare preferansista:
"I play, so minuscule. I go, I go, I go ..."

Lesson literature at school. Otlichnitsa Lena asks:
- Pigweed Bath! What is a tautology?
- Tautology, kids, is when two words mean the same thing.
For example, you can not "window glass" to speak, because once
is glass, the glass is! Who can come up with another example
- Pigweed Bath! You can not say "tree wood", because once
it is a tree, it is wooden.
MI .:
- So, please, you, Olga!
- Pigweed Bath! You can not say "Tin Tin", because ..., etc.
MI .:
- And you, Little Johnny came up with? Well done!
Little Johnny:
- Pigweed Bath, we can not say "I'll be damned," because she was the mother of time,
ebena it ..!

Float two crocodile, see - monkey on a branch of a tree sitting.
One the other and says:
- Come on monkey tricks, ask whether she is married.
Stand Up
married, say, "Well, who took this ?!"; and if he says unmarried,
then we say: "Well, who would take this ?!"
The second agreed. Swim, ask:
- And if you're married, the monkey?
- But what then married, the terms of some crocodiles!

Burning eyes, stewed in sour cream
Sol Oriental
Cockroach, baked in dough inadvertently Nose tobacco belyashi with krasnogvardeykoy Hamburgers, Yamburgery, Yekaterinburg

RAM soup tartare (62 kilobytes)
Cabin, minced with a post. oil
Stigma in his own gun
Cutlets steam, with fireman
Goulash "late" with the girls
Pork heat. with horseradish. sign. than
The trouble with meat

a la carte dishes
fillet Piggy
Hegemon under the yoke
Japanese man in his own. sake
Poultry meat, minced airplane propeller Carp mirror in a frame of communication. vegetables

- Young man! What do you think, what month is best
just married?
- In matryabre ...
- So in fact there is no such month?!?!
- That's it....

Three and baby pazgovapivayut:
1st: 5 I let.A you how much?
2nd: And I 4.
3d: I do not know ;-(
1st: Do you drink vodka? On the women walk? Kupish?
3d: He-a.
2nd: Ah, two years.

- Doctor, my child does not pronounce the letter "P" ..
- Havernoe your child the wrong _prikus_
- God be with you, loktor what _prikus_ ?! I've got a girl!

Advertising agent comes into the apartment and did not come to his senses by giving the hosts quickly pours into the hall in advance brought with them the garbage and said: - I'm ready to eat anything that is not going to clean our wonderful cleaner who want to offer you to buy! Madame where you ?! - In the kitchen of a spoon. Our second day there is no electricity!

Carl Clara bowed to yelling.

... If a huge dildo hanging in the beginning of the film on the wall ...
Laziness - it is when you see the need to do something, but do not want, and broke
- Is when something you want, but do not see the need to do so.
Any price - but only to free ...
Who is not with us - that we propyl.
The brain - the body, which we think that we think.
Good habits prolong life, and the bad make it enjoyable.
Very strange: why the wolf blew and blown away pigs?
If a person does not want to believe in your humanity, you can try to torture.
According to the latest research programmers are not born - the consequences of birth trauma.
Member of the fallen and can not get up - he is waiting for someone to help him ...
And bad to be a bird - you want to kiss her mother and klyunesh.
If you do not hold politicians for eggs - they fuck you in the ass.

- Mom, I'm going home - to buy something?
- Buy an apartment, you bastard, and live separately!

Billiard. Administrator comes to lonely igryuschemu client:
- How are you?
- That's an hour to bowl - and I can not score!
- It is understandable - the table a ping-pong ...

- And what kind of fish you want to catch?
- Zucchini.
- There is not a fish!
- How is it not? Caviar is - and no fish? !!

- But we have a cat in the apartment is not aiming angles!
- Yes, he ohrenel! He thinks it is all !!!

- Why the rabbit is afraid of a boa constrictor?
- Because I do not know where his fucking ...

Husband and wife sitting in a restaurant. Husband like crack a knife for meat - it flies back to his wife on her blouse.
Wife strictly:
- Peter, well, look! Do I look like a pig!
- Yes, I know ... By the way, you have a dirty shirt ...

From life.
Pleased with a colleague, a retired colonel. However, according to him, the scouts did not resign.
- What's the matter? Why kind of sick why the left eye does not open?
- Migraine - I say.
- Why do we have left hemisphere is responsible?
- For the logic.
- So let yourself feel it!

From life.
Interesting Valais began to appear among our conductors.
One of the episodes in the bus.
In the crowd of people insinuating voice of the conductor:
- And who do we have here, "fluffy" rides?
And just to add a sinister tone.
- And let's you and I'll look for it together!

At the diner the old man comes and asks to the owner:
- Son, you have something to eat myagonkogo not? And I'm no teeth left.
- Can you boil to soft-boiled eggs.
- Oh, no!
- Why?
- Creepy Association. All my life I worked as a jockey.

Conversation of father and son discuss the housing problem.
A son:
- Well, another year construction freeze at home. More year I without a separate apartment. Again, to live with you. Although flat and big, but because no girl not to call or not to arrange a spree! Nothing is impossible.
His father, after a pause:
- Come on - I am at your age it was even worse! I was already married.

From life.
Night bar-disco. Girls dancing around a pole. After the main program go to the tables for additional earnings called "private dance". At one table, a man - under 100 kg, corresponding to growth.
Girl with two threads of body starts to rub languidly about, the good table richly covered and it is clear that the money a person has.
The man said benignly:
- Honey, I'm a gynecologist working - you make me something to surprise you like ?!
She is changing in the face, goes on to the next table!

At mistress:
- Wan, you're that, "Zaporozhets" bought?
- And how did you know?
- Yes, you have everything behind the plant?

- I'm his wife call the Tomahawk.
- You've got that out of the Indians?
- No, actually, they call her Tamara, but I have it as an evil dog!

Meets the Wolf Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and says:
- Well, the hat - you and I, there are two scenarios: either a merger or takeover ...

- Listen, I looked this transfer "Supermodel". No there is my ideal!
All, of course, beautiful - but stupid !!! No, really, is there a clever - but it bald ...
- It Bondarchuk!

Entertaining zoology. It turns out that a bee sting on the energy value replaces the spoon of honey!

For you, the inquisitive.
The Council of Ministers announced that from October ceases September.

Subtleties of the statute.
If you steal a fence surrounding a military unit - it would be AWOL.

- Guys! What to do? My son is growing greedy ... And who he is ?!
Maybe on his birthday something to give? ... Although, no ... Oboydё tsya ...

My dad, when he showered, sucked into the drain hole, and he had just emerged from a neighbor in the kitchen. Well, at least, he told my mother.

Telephone call:
- Hello, is this picture?
- No, it's a living person!

- This is why I was so angry before? Because I did not have a bike.
And now, when I have a scooter and not - I'm just going to kill you.

Divorced husband mass party sees his ex with a new guy ...
After drinking a couple of glasses, decided to pin that guy.
Good, it seems.
- Well, it - ride a used car? - He asks.
- No problem - meets the second - most importantly - to pass the first 5 centimeters, and more - all new ...

The gay club:
- Well, in point play?

From life.
The real story, told by my brother. Already almost became a joke.
He has a friend named Vlad, who works at the Industrial Bank personnel manager. And work he often has to deal with Ukrainian commercial banks (PCBs for short).
In general, he went out once, perhaps out of necessity ... and the girl he just calls ...
The employee and asks - can he pass something?
She says:
- Give that called Lena UCB.
After returning Vlad, an employee (with round balls, even in the bowling game), says:
- There's the kind of little Lena called ... what a bitch, so more and "b" ...

Mid-September. Drunk sitting in the kitchen, thumps.
Weather radio:
- Is expected to warm cloudless weather. Indian summer.
On the next morning with a hangover, he pops up on the street for a beer t-shirt, sweat pants, sneakers.
And there is rain, wind, sleet. He stands, shivering from the cold:
- Indian Summer, Indian Summer ... Autumn fucking !!!

Two people in the bus, returning from the theater, ballet discuss the topic:
- What a beautiful and aesthetic ballet! Fine lines, graceful movements, trembling sensuality of images!
- Yes! Great grace, subtle dance of harmony and musical accompaniment ...
Then a man from the neighboring seat does not stand and interjects into the conversation:
- Aha! Here in our village Manka also as vmazhet a pound - and then duck under the accordion is othuyarivaet !!!

When an Englishman comes to visit, he carries with him his dignity. When the Frenchman comes to visit, he leads with him his wife. When the Russian comes to visit, he leads with a wife and children. When a Jew comes to visit, he brings cake. === When an Englishman returning from the guests, he carries with him his dignity. When the French returned to the guests, it is with a mistress.
When Russian
returning from the guests, his wife and children are a Jew when returning from the guests, he brings cake. === In doing so they think,
Englishman: instead
I dropped my dignity? Frenchman: and with whom my wife left? Russian: so what, he knocked my eye ?! But I gave him two teeth knocked out! Jew:
to anyone else to go,
cake is not dried up?

Caught, it means lion in a pit (L), fox (Do), rabbit (s), monkey (a) and hippopotamus. A lion,
naturally cool (the king of beasts after all). And it begins to decide whom to eat.
A: Well, that. Today, we eat the most eared. W: Why do I have something ... A: A hare, moron! Che had grown ears? Now we'll eat you! Ate hare licked. The next day, I want to eat again. A: Today we eat the most red. Lee: And I have something for that? A: All red, we can not be fooled!
Doprygat! Devour, and nothing from
you will not go! Tired is a lion, but nothing helped. Once decided the fox, then a fox. Ate. A day later, again it is time to lunch.
A: Now we eat
vyebistogo itself! On runs to the behemoth, gives him a kick:
Well! Get up!

I bought one of Madame cabinet (like all scoop unassembled). Dragged home and decided to arrange a surprise for her husband, collected / SKRU / tila / undoing all the instructions, it is not Love Enough. Then past the tram rides, rode, and closet and collapsed.
Collected for the second time - the same story. I decided to ask a neighbor. I went to him, well, it was like a home in the family shorts and went to look.
We collected again by
tram - wardrobe collapsed again. Well, neighbor and says, "Let's get together, I climbed into it and look inside." No sooner said than done. Then the doorbell rang, madam opens - a husband there. Come in, I saw the cabinet, to him, opens, and there huddled neighbor is in family shorts. My husband's jaw on the floor.
- What are you doing here?
- Vasya, you would not believe. Tram forward.

Muscovite in Kiev:
- Izvinitse as papasts in rasiyskae pasolstva?
- Duzhe simple: navіv Flares natsіlivsya i yobnuv!

Situation. I'm working on the 3rd floor. Ha 4 floor of the toilet paper there, but there is no light (bulb burned out already as a week); the fifth - no paper, but there is light. I pressed down on the valve, I think: the fifth without paper ... or has chosen fourth. He ran, locked, do business.
Someone handle derg:
- Is there anyone?
Not will I strained voice to answer, but at this time loudly puuuk ...
Is he:
- It is clear, but why not the world?
I re-puuuuk bunch ...
Is he:
- I understand ... - then paused and added: - First time with an asshole
I talk ... and all is clear.

She is:
- You're going to love me when I posedeyut hair? Is he:
- Of course! Why not? In the end, I've loved you when you had hair of red, yellow, orange, blue, silver, and even green!

Kovači moved into a new apartment. A few days later a friend asked
- Well, how do you feel in the new place?
- My wife was nervous at first, but now feels great
- she is already
He quarreled with all the neighbors.

Girl standing on the balcony. Mimo is a man. She suddenly
- Man! I am afraid of you!
- What are you afraid of me?
- And you me iznasiluete!
- How am I rape you if I'm at the bottom, and you on the balcony?
- And I'll come down to you ...

There are two pensioners. One friend says: - Daaaaaa, young people now living in poverty. Poor ....... But fun! I look at them, one five of cigarette smoke, but still laughing.

The inscription on the garage:
"Machines, there is no pit, bike has been stolen,
please do not worry. "

- What kind of knot you on a handkerchief?
- Mom tied, that I forgot to pay for electricity.
- Well, did you pay?
- No, she forgot to give money.

Two friends stayed in a small hotel.
In the morning one asks the other:
- Well, how do you sleep?
- Very bad. I was dead in bed a flea.
- So she's not able to disturb you.
- It is something she could not, but to her funeral and funeral gathered
about fifty relatives.

A man who is not married to thirty years - after thirty risks marry.
Strictly observing the visiting rules of etiquette, go away angry, sober and hungry.
After the death of the righteous masochists go to heaven to eternal torment.
The entertainment was very good idea the division of people into two sexes ...
If you have a problem - look for a woman.
If you no longer interested in the tax inspectorate - then you have something wrong doing.
Cowboy - not the one who fired the first shot, but the one who first got ...
The best cellulite in their hands than silicone on TV ...
To spend an evening in the company of two beautiful girls, need one ugly girl and a bottle of vodka!
Stop in time - it is not important, the main thing - to be able to park in the right place.
You cheated? Spread your wings and le ones-if-i! ..

- Andrew, I've seen your zachёtku ... By zachёtke - you are blond!

- As from my mother's bedroom, bow-legged and lame ...
- And from my father - a normal, pretty girl out!

Open a bottle of a man, but from her genie climbs:
- I'll do anything you ask, but with one condition - your worst enemies get um 10 times more ...
- Well, well - I want to I was a member of the 25-centimeter-long !!!

- In past presidential elections in Russia to facilitate the counting of votes the two urns were found. One - for Putin, the other - shredder.

- And now - a good tale. He ran girl near a storage of nuclear waste. She ran, tail waved!

- How will German, "I love you"?
- Their Liebe dux.
- And in English?
- I love you!
- And in the Krasnodar how will?
- Come quickly to the car!

Boy and girl making love.
Is he:
- What are you lying like a tree !!?
She is:
- Get off ... Woodpecker!

- Yesterday I was with my girlfriend in the city all night walking. Everything was like in
verses: night, street, lamp, drugstore ...

- Oh, my little!
- Yes, but ..?
- You - my krohotulechka!
- Do not exaggerate...

Tutorial "Strength of Materials". Volume 1 - "Women".

- Honey, I'll call you later! You see, now I can not swear!

- Mommy, I tell you, well, she's not listening to me at all! Not only that - she is not a word was said! Mom, I can not! What should I do?!
- Stop whining, Major, and go continue the interrogation!

Psychologists have found the behavior of the person who wants to take the money you have borrowed, his eyes friendly, open face, arm slightly extended forward, the gun in it.

Abram meets Moshe:
- Listen, you could give to a friend to borrow a hundred rubles?
- Could. But I have no friends.

Report from the shore.
I'll tell you about warships. Each of them has its own history. Here - "Fearless", here - "Merciless", but - constantly under repair - "Shameless".

The teaching staff of one of the most prestigious schools of our city is justly proud of Oleg Sinkinym. In just six months, he fully learned the multiplication tables, the basic rules of the Russian language, but the main thing - no longer stick to all with the question: "And Che - funny, that I here you have the type of director?".

The three men arguing, one wife in bed better.
One says:
- My wife is like a volcano! This hot ...
The second says:
- And my wind! Incident, tears clothes, and away we go ...
The third:
- And my as a whirlpool ...
- What, so quiet?
- Yes, with a quiet mind - but how zasosёt ...!

Anna Netrebko was awarded the State Prize of the Russian Federation for the best performance of the party Monica Lewinsky!

- Tell me, Father, but why in the Catholic Church Choir sings under the harpsichord, organ or harmonium, and we, the Orthodox - without accompaniment?
- The fact is, my son, that real talent does not spend on drink. But the harpsichord - like nehuy do ...

In sale the perfume set for gambling: deodorant "Jackpot" shampoo and "Jack-dandruff".

Putin came to a sushi bar with Fradkov and Ivanov.
Ofitsantka asks:
- What will you?
- Fish.
- And vegetables?
- Vegetables are also fish.

- You do more in the fight did not see! I was so pussy !!!

- Natalia, you are the teacher of literature! You have to teach children a beautiful rather than opening the eye of the bottle!

- Professor, I will have the machine?
- Yes, and tarpaulin boots ...

- I myself soap "Dove" bought!
- Survived! Mylodav she bought ... That is without mylodava soap squeeze we can not!

News feed.
the country's chief sanitary doctor has assured residents that watermelons this year is so safe that even the peel can safely bury, not burn, as before ...

Maxim Galkin beyond the entrance - a bucket shake out in the garbage disposal.
Suddenly, someone ran up behind him, throws back his head, force mouth decompresses and fills to vodka. Then he runs off, and bottom hear the jubilant cry:
- Mates! I drank vodka by Galkin!

- Mama! I want a brother!
- Well, I do not know ... Well, go talk to him ...

- I'm not saying that your mother is ill prepared, - says the groom the bride - but I think I begin to understand why you pray before eating ...

- Honey, I still can not marry you!
- Why ?!
- They say that you've already had a lot of men ...
- What do you want - do not like how I cook?
- No, you! This yummy and I did not try!
- Then maybe you do not like the way I clean the house ?!
- What do you mean? You are cleaner than in the operating room!
- Maybe you do not like how I receive visitors? !!
- Yes, you! Everyone just loved it!
- Maybe, I'm not satisfied in bed !!!!!!?
- Yes, I did not even imagine that you can get so much pleasure ...
- So what are you - do you think that all of this I learned a correspondence course? !!

Passenger liner. 9000 meters above the ground.
The plane gets into an air pocket ... well ... tryahanulo cries, screams ...
- So, everybody calmed down quickly! We sat down all over the place! I told someone! ... Enough to run and climb the wall! Stop yelling! You, you burp where ??? ... Well, there are also bags for this !!! ... What are you? Fuck ... you managed it, Stoll? Well kids, shit ... So - all sat down on the place, calmed down, strapped! Sun g ... well ...... Go soothe passengers ...