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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

"Honey, let's go and look at the stars."
- I will not look at the stars without a condom!

- How much do you need to hang?
- Fuck me ...
- Speak for sure!
- I really fucking !!!

"02" - if somewhere a person was in trouble.
"03" - if somewhere a person got into "02".

As informed by a well-informed source from the administration of the government, the decree that all passengers must necessarily take off their shoes before boarding the plane was accepted thanks to the powerful lobbying from the manufacturers of men's socks.

If, having approached to the ATM, you forgot the PIN code of your credit card - do not be upset.
Ask someone to put a hot iron to your stomach - remember right away.

Improved conditions for detainees in pre-trial detention centers in the Chernobyl region. Now here in each cell there is a TV, a refrigerator, a toaster, an electric kettle, a coffee machine ...
There is not only a power outlet, where to turn everything on.

New triptych "Portrait of Yegor Gaidar".
The central part is a portrait of a politician, and the left and right are his cheeks.

Mayonnaise Makeev! The best way to collect the whole family ... near the toilet!

- Please, send Kipelov's song about impotent ...
- What kind of song is this?
- Well this: "I'm free! I forgot what the fuck means ...".

- Listen, Manya - yesterday we heard your cuckoo with your Vaska on the hunt ...
Vaska asked: "Cuckoo, cuckoo - and how soon do I have to live?". She had eaten so much to him, had eaten so much! Who knew that this feathered whore on per second charging ...

- Geese-geese!
"Do you want to?"
- Gee-gee-gee!

"Where is our third company?" According to the plan, they are already supposed to return from the intelligence service!
"They said that they are already catching up, Comrade General!"
- That is good! Eagles! Tell them not to hurry, and when they catch up, they can still hourly pijymatsya.

The Ministry of Culture requires stevedores. Knowledge of Russian is not welcome!

- Man, tell me, what do you think about our press?
"She's lying!"
- And why?
- Because a year ago I married an ad in the newspaper on a "beautiful and intelligent girl"!

The world's first private mint, located, as you know, in one of the houses along Malaya Arnautskaya Street, on the occasion of its eleventh anniversary, issued a commemorative coin worth eleven US dollars.

- You do not go on the next one?
"How did you guess?"
- First, you lie with your back to the door!

- Here KamAZ is a good car! I bought - and do not regret. No one ...

- Come on, Svetka, we'll swim ... There, they say, there are so many microorganisms in the water ...
- Probably microorganisms?
- Well, it depends on how to swim!

- Bond, James Bond...
"Brother, nurse ..."

There is a man in the woods. Towards him an old woman. A man says:
"Grandma, what are you doing in this wilderness?"
Grandma answers:
- I, son, Baba Yaga. I go, here, in the forest, I collect fly agarics. Then I mix it out with shit, and I insist on alcohol. It turns out a healing tincture, I sell it to people, so I live. Do you want to tell me the secret of the healing infusion?
"No, thank you, grandmother," says the peasant. "I know how to do money on shit with fly agarics."
"Well, then, good-bye, son ... All the best!"
- And you, granny, goodbye!
Baba Yaga turned around and went to her side, and Pelevin in his ...

- Your wife, who was missing a month ago, was found in the forest under snow today.
- Thank God! And I thought that she went to another!

Three friends talk about sex. One husband has a doctor, another has an architect, a third has a military ...
- My all time sterilizes ...
- And my Toko plans and plans ...
- And mine will put me in a corner - and says: "On the dick march step!"
Both, in chorus:
- And sho ?!
"Sho-sho ... It's good, if I get there first time ... And if not, I'm marching all night!"

- "Fuck" is written with a soft or hard sign?
- With an exclamation !!!

The patient's doctor:
- Doctor, I recently can not tell where I am - in real life or on the Internet ...
The doctor tilts his head sideways, smiles and says:
- Gee-gee-gee, you fucking ...

Two hunters are sitting. The old one says:
- When you go into the woods - you are the main thing, do not be afraid of anything ... Here you go in the woods, on-to-found tracks - and follow the trail. The main thing is not-do not be afraid of anything ... Here you come to the be-berelog. The main thing is not-do not be afraid of anything ...
You put the barrel in the be-ba-den, shoot-shoot-shoot. The main thing - do not-don't-be afraid of anything. Me-me-bear face will stick out - you smear his face with shit, smear with shit ...
- And where to take it? !!
- Shit will be - you're the main thing, do not-don't-be afraid of anything ...

From life.
Reception room at the Central District Hospital.
They call the doctor on duty: they brought a boy with a burn. In the examination room a 15-year-old boy is sitting, in the "waiting room" of the waiting room, alarmed parents.
- What happened?
Boy, swallowing tears:
- Gasoline with a friend in the garage was cast from a can ...
- Well...
- It's dark, it was not visible ... Well, a match was lit - to see how much is left ...
The doctor, through a pause:
- I saw how much is left? ...
Then there is a cry from the father of this mediocrity from the "waiting room":

Patient with a psychiatrist.
- People consider me impudent, insolent and intrusive.
- I understand. Now I need to make some notes. Could you just let my knee go for a few minutes?

"Doctor, what should I do?" Every night I dream that
I am a cow and a chew
- Well, it's not so scary ...
- Yes, but when I wake up in the morning, half a mattress is not

- Well, great, doctors! And where is your psychoanalyst?
- Which the?
- Which yesterday said that my problem is that I
I can kill a man ..

Nightmarish sleep preference:
"I play, it means, miser." I go in, I come, I go ... "

Literature lesson at school. Excellent Lena asks:
"Mar Bath!" And what is tautology?
- Tautology, children, this is when two words mean the same thing.
For example, you can not say "glass glass", because once
it's glass, it's glass! Who can come up with another example
"Mar Bath!" You can not say "wood is wooden", because once
it is a tree, it is wooden.
- So, please, you, Olya!
"Mar Bath!" You can not say "tin pewter," because ... etc.
"And you, Vovochka, came up with it?" Well done!
- Mary Bath, you can not say "fucking mother", because once she's a mother,
then she ... fucking!

Two crocodiles swim, they saw a monkey sitting on a tree branch.
To one another he says:
- Let's prikolyemsya over the monkey, ask whether she is married.
He will say
married, say: "But who took this ?!"; but if he says unmarried,
then let's say: "Well, who will take this ?!"
The second agreed. Swim up, ask:
"Are you married, monkey?"
- Yes, what is married here, all around are some crocodiles!

Burning eyes stewed in sour cream
Salt in the eastern
Cockroach baked in the test for oversight Nose in tobacco Belyashi with red guards Hamburgers, Yamburgers, Yekaterinburg

Soup RAM in Tatar (by 62 kilobytes)
The hut, chopped from the post. oil
Stigma in his own cannon
Cutlets, steam, with a stoker
Goulash "Late" with the girls
Pork is hot. with horseradish. zn. than
Trouble with meat

Pheasant's Fillet
Hegemons under oppression
Japanese in own. sake
Poultry meat, chopped with an airplane propeller Carp mirror in the frame of St. vegetables

- Young man! What do you think, what month is better
just get married?
- In matryabry ...
- So in fact such month is not present?!?!
- That's it....

Three babies talk:
1st: I'm 5 years old. How old are you?
2nd: And I'm 4.
3d: And I do not know ;-(
1st: Do you drink vodka? With the women walking? You smoking?
3d: He-a.
2nd: Ah, two years.

- Doctor, my child does not pronounce the letter "P" ..
- Probably your child has the wrong _price_
- God is with you, loktor, what _prikus_ ?! I have the same girl!

The advertising agent comes into the apartment and does not let the owners come to their senses quickly pours out the garbage brought beforehand in the hallway and says: "I'm ready to eat anything that does not clean our wonderful vacuum cleaner I want to offer you to buy!" Madame, where are you? - In the kitchen for a spoon. We have no electricity for the second day!

Carl Clara inclined to plow.

... If at the beginning of the film on the wall hangs a huge artificial penis ...
Laziness - this is when you see the need to do something, but do not want to, and broke
- this is when you want something, but you do not see the need to do it.
At any cost - but only for free ...
Who is not with us - he drank us.
The brain is the organ that we think we are thinking.
Good habits prolong life, and bad people make it pleasant.
It's very strange: why did the wolf bleed, and the roof was swept away by the pigs?
If a person does not want to believe in your humanism, then you can try torture.
According to the latest research, programmers are not born - these are the consequences of birth trauma.
Member fell and can not get up - he's waiting who will help him ...
And it's bad to be a bird - you want to kiss your mother and peck her.
If you do not keep politicians by the eggs - then they fuck you in the ass.

- Mom, I'm going home - to buy something?
"Buy yourself an apartment, you bastard, and live separately!"

Billiard room. The administrator approaches a lonely customer:
- How are you?
"Here, I roll balls for a broken hour - and I can not score anything!"
- It's understandable - the table is ping-pong ...

- What kind of fish do you want to catch?
- Zucchini.
- There is no such fish!
"How can it not be?" Caviar is - but there is no fish? !!

- But in our apartment the cat does not mark corners!
- Yes, he ohrenel! Thinks everything here is his!

- Why is a rabbit afraid of a boa constrictor?
- Because he does not know where to fuck him ...

Husband and wife are sitting in a restaurant. Husband like a crack on a knife for meat - it flies to his wife's blouse.
Wife strictly:
"Peter, look at this!" I look like a pig!
- Yes, I know ... By the way, and your blouse is dirty ...

From life.
Pleased colleague, colonel in retirement. However, according to him, the scouts do not retire.
- What's the matter? Why is the sight sick, why does the left eye not open?
"Migraines," I say.
"What does the left hemisphere answer for?"
- For logic.
- So feel the feeling!

From life.
Interesting types began to appear among us among conductors.
One of the episodes in the bus.
In the crowd of people the insinuating voice of the conductor:
- And who are we "fluffy" here?
And with a slightly ominous intonation adds.

In the eatery comes the old man and turns to the owner:
"Son, do you have something light to eat?" And then I'm completely without teeth left.
"I can boil your eggs for you."
- Oh, not this!
- Why?
- Creepy associations. I've worked as a jockey all my life.

Dialogue between father and son, discuss the housing issue.
A son:
- Well, another year the construction of the house froze. Another year I have no separate apartment. Again to live with you. Although the apartment is big, but you can not invite a girl or a party! Nothing is impossible at all.
Father, after a pause:
- Come on, I was even worse at your age! I was already married.

From life.
Night bar-disco. Girls dance around the pole. After the main program they go to the tables for additional earnings called "private dance". At one table man - under 100 kg, the corresponding growth.
A girl with two strings on her body begins languishing around, the benefit of the table is richly covered and it is clear that the person has money.
The peasant complacently says:
- Sunny, I work as a gynecologist - you want to surprise me with something ?!
The girl is changing in her face, she is going to the next table!

Have a mistress:
"Wan, did you buy Zaporozhets?"
"How did you guess?"
- Yes, you're rearing me from behind?

- And I call my wife Tomahawk.
"You got that from the Indians?"
- Yes, no, in fact, her Tamara is called, only she is like a wicked dog!

The Wolf meets the Red Riding Hood and says:
- Well, Capka - we have with you two options for the development of events: either merger or acquisition ...

- Listen, I watched this program "Supermodel". There is no my ideal!
All, of course, beautiful - but stupid! No, really, there is one clever - but she's bald ...
"This is Bondarchuk!"

Entertaining zoology. It turns out that the sting of a bee on energy value replaces a spoonful of honey!

For you, curious.
The Council of Ministers announces that from the first of October September will end.

The subtleties of the statute.
If you steal the fence that surrounds the military unit - then it will be in the self-winding.

- Guys! What to do? My son grows greedy ... And to whom is he ?!
Maybe he had something to give him for his birthday? ... Although, no ... It's okay ...

My dad, when he washed, sucked into the drain hole, and he surfaced only at the neighbor in the kitchen. Well, at least he told my mother that.

Telephone call:
"Hello, is that a photograph?"
- No, this is a living person!

- This is why I used to be so angry? Because I did not have a bicycle.
And now, when I do not even have a scooter, I'll just kill you.

A divorced husband at a mass party sees his ex with a new man ...
Having drunk a couple of glasses, decides to poke that guy.
Suitable, it seems.
"Well, how is it to drive a used car?" - Asks.
"No problem," replies the second, "the main thing is to drive the first 5 centimeters, and then everything new ..."

In the gay club:
"Well, will we play a point?"

From life.
The real story told by my brother. Already almost became an anecdote.
He has an acquaintance named Vlad, who works in Prombank as a human resources manager. And for work, he often has to deal with the Ukrainian commercial bank (UKB in abbreviated form).
In general, he came out somehow, maybe because of need ... and he just calls the girl ...
The employee and asked - maybe he should pass something?
She says:
"Tell him Lena called from the UCB."
After Vlad's return, the employee (with round balls, even playing bowling), says:
- Here you have some Lena called ... not only that the bitch, so also "b" ...

Mid-September. The drunk is sitting in the kitchen, thumping up.
By radio weather forecast:
- Warm cloudless weather is expected. Indian summer.
The next morning he pops up from the hobo on the street for a beer in a T-shirt, workouts, slippers.
And there is rain, wind, slush. He stands, trembling with cold:
- Indian summer, Indian summer ... Fucking autumn!

Two people on the bus, returning from the theater, discuss a ballet theme:
"How beautiful and aesthetic the ballet is!" Elegance of lines, graceful movements, tremulous sensuality of images!
- Yes! Magnificent grace, subtle harmony of dance and musical accompaniment ...
Here the peasant from the next sitting does not maintain and meets the conversation:
- Aha! Here we have in the village Manka, too, like vmazhet half a kilo - duck then the accordion is fucking !!!

When an Englishman goes to visit, he brings with him his dignity. When a Frenchman goes to visit, he leads his wife with him. When a Russian comes to visit, he takes his wife and children with him. When a Jew goes to visit, he carries a cake. === When the Englishman returns from the guests, he brings with him his dignity. When the Frenchman returns from the guests, he leads a mistress with him.
When Russian
returns from the guests, his wife and children lead him. When a Jew returns from the guests, he carries a cake with him. === At the same time, they think:
Englishman: not
Have I lost my dignity? French: And with whom did my wife leave? Russian: so what, that he blew my eye out ?! But I knocked him two teeth! Jew:
to whom else would he go,
until the cake is dry?

The lion (l), the fox (li), the hare (h), the monkey (o) and the hippopotamus are reported to have entered the pit. A lion,
naturally, steep (the king of animals after all). And begins to decide who to eat.
L: Well, that. Today we will eat the very eared. Z: Why me ... O: A, a hare, an idiot! Che, grow your ears? Now we'll eat you! Have eaten a hare, have licked. The next day I want to eat again. L: And today we'll eat the red one. Li: And why me? A: Everything, red, you can not deceive us!
Doped up! Eat, and nothing from
you will not remain! I'm sick of this lion, but there's nothing to be done. Once he decided to fox, it means fox. Ate. Every other day, the lunch time comes again.
L: Now we will eat
the most fucked! O runs up to the hippopotamus, gives him a kick:
Well! Get up!

I bought one of the madam's closet (as well as everything in the scoop in disassembled form). She dragged her home and decided to arrange a surprise for her husband, collected / skru / tila / screwed everything according to the instructions, it's worth not nlyubuetsya. Then the tram runs past, drove through, and the closet collapsed.
I collected the second time - the same story. I decided to ask my neighbor. I went to him, well, he was at home in his family's shorts and went to watch.
Have collected once again, by
tram - again the cabinet collapsed. Well, the neighbor says, "Let's collect, I'll climb into it and look from the inside." No sooner said than done. There's a ring at the door, Madame reveals - there's a husband. He goes in, sees the cupboard, opens it to him, and there the crouched neighbor is standing in his family's underwear. My husband has a jaw on the floor.
- What are you doing here?
"Vasya, you will not believe it." I'm waiting for the tram.

Moskvich in Kiev:
"An apprentice, like a pope in a Russian solstice?"
- It's simple: just hit the rocket launcher, naillivsya і yobnuv!

Situation. I work on the 3rd floor. On the 4th floor in the toilet there is paper, but there is no light (the lamp burned out like a week already); on the fifth there is no paper, but there is light. I was pressed on the valve, I think: on the fifth without paper or ..., I chose the fourth. I got there, locked myself up, I'm doing business.
Someone pulled the handle:
- Is there anyone?
I'm not going to answer in a strained voice, but at this time I'm loudly pououk ...
Is he:
- Clearly, why without light?
I'm again puk-puuuk ...
Is he:
- Understood ... - Then stood and added: - First time with ass
I'm talking ... and everything is clear.

She is:
"Will you love me when my hair turns gray?" Is he:
- Of course! Why not? After all, I loved you when you had red, yellow, orange, blue, silver and even green hair!

Kovacs moved to a new apartment. A few days later my friend asks
- Well, how do you feel in the new place?
- My wife was nervous at first, but now feels great
- she is already
quarreled with all the neighbors.

The girl is standing on the balcony. A man walks by. Girl suddenly
- Man! I am afraid of you!
"Why are you afraid of me?"
"And you'll rape me!"
"How can I rape you if I'm downstairs, and you're on the balcony?"
- And I'm going downstairs to you ...

There are two pensioners. To one another he says: - Yeah, the youth today is poor. Poor ....... But fun! I look at them, one cigarette five people smoke, but they still laugh.

The inscription on the garage:
"Machines, holes are not there, the bicycle has already been stolen,
please do not worry ".

- What kind of knot do you have on your handkerchief?
"My mother tied it up so I did not forget to pay for electricity."
"Well, have you paid?"
- No, she forgot to give money.

Two friends stayed in a small hotel.
In the morning one asks the other:
"Well, how did you sleep?"
"Very badly." I had a dead flea in my bed.
"So she could not bother you."
"She could not, but her funeral and a wake were going to
with fifty relatives.

A man who did not marry until he was thirty - after thirty at the risk of getting married.
Strictly observing the rules of etiquette at home, you will leave evil, sober and hungry.
After the death, righteous masochists enter paradise for eternal torment.
In the entertainment industry, the most successful idea was to divide people into two sexes ...
If you have no problems, look for a woman.
If you are no longer interested in tax inspection - then you are doing something wrong.
Cowboy - not the one who first shot, but the one who first got ...
Better cellulite in the hands than silicone on TV ...
To spend an evening in the company of two beautiful girls, you need one ugly girl and a bottle of vodka!
Stopping in time is not the main thing, the main thing is to be able to park in the right place.
You were thrown? Spread your wings and le-te-li-u! ..

- Andrew, I've seen your student's record book ... Judging by the offset, you're a blonde!

- As from my mother's bedroom, bow-legged and lame ...
- And from Dad's - a normal, pretty girl comes out!

A man opens a bottle, and the genie climbs out of it:
- I will do everything that you ask, but with one condition - your worst enemy will get 10 times more ...
- Well, well - I want to have a member of 25 centimeters long!

- In the past presidential elections in Russia, two urns were installed to simplify the counting of votes. One is for Putin, the other is a paper shredder.

- And now - a good fairy tale. A girl ran near the warehouse with nuclear waste. She ran, she waved her tail!

- How will I "love you" in German?
- Their liberty.
- And in English?
- I love you!
- And how will it be in Krasnodar?
- Come quickly into the car!

The guy and the girl make love.
Is he:
- Why are you lying like a tree? !!
She is:
- Get down ... Woodpecker!

- Yesterday I went for a walk with my girlfriend around the city. Everything was like in
verses: night, street, lantern, pharmacy ...

"Oh, you little one!"
- Yes, eh? ..
"You are my little girl!"
- Do not exaggerate...

Textbook "Resistance of materials." Volume 1 - "Women."

"Darling, I'll call you later!" You see, I can not swear now!

- Mom, I'm telling you, well, she does not listen to me at all! Moreover, she herself does not say a single word! Mom, I can not take this anymore! What should I do?!
"Stop whining, Major, and go on interrogating!"

Psychologists have established how a person behaves who wants to borrow money from you: his eyes are friendly, his face is open, his hand is slightly extended forward, there is a pistol in it.

Abram meets Moishe:
"Listen, could you give a friend a hundred rubles?"
- Could. But I have no friends.

Report from the shore.
I will tell you about warships. Each of them has its own story. Here - "Fearless", here - "Merciless", but - constantly in repair - "Unscrupulous".

The teaching staff of one of the most prestigious lyceums of our city is rightfully proud of Oleg Sinkin. In just six months he completely learned the multiplication table, the basic rules of the Russian language, but most importantly, he stopped pestering everyone with the question: "Why is it funny that I'm here like a director?".

Three men argue, whose wife is better in bed.
One says:
"My wife is like a volcano!" Such a hot ...
The second says:
- And my like the wind! Flies, clothes tear off, and rushed ...
The third:
"And mine is like a whirlpool ..."
"What, is it so quiet?"
- Yes, it looks quiet - but it sucks ...!

Anna Netrebko was awarded the State Prize of the Russian Federation for the best performance of the party of Monica Lewinsky!

- Tell me, Holy Father, why does the choir sing in the Catholic Church under the harpsichord, organ or harmonium, and we Orthodox without accompaniment?
"The thing is, my son, you will not drink real talent." But the harpsichord - how to do naughty ...

The perfume set for gambling was introduced: deodorant "Jackpot" and shampoo "Jack-dandruff".

Putin comes to the sushi bar with Fradkov and Ivanov.
An officer asks:
"What will you do?"
- Fish.
"And the vegetables?"
- Vegetables will also fish.

"You did not see me in a fight!" I'm so pissed!

- Natalia, you're a teacher of literature! You must teach the children beautiful, and not how to open the bottle with the eye!

"Professor, will I have an automatic machine?"
- Yes, and crocheted boots ...

- I bought myself soap "Dove" bought!
- Have lived! She bought it after eating ... That is, we can not squeeze out soap without soap!

News feed.
The country's chief sanitary inspector assured the residents that watermelons are so safe this year that even the crusts can be buried in peace, and not burned, as before ...

Maxim Galkin goes into the entrance - a bucket in the garbage chute shake out.
Suddenly someone runs up to him from behind, throws back his head, unclasps his mouth and pours vodka into it. Then he runs away, and from below he can hear a jubilant cry:
- Brotherhood! I drank vodka with Galkin himself!

- Mama! I want a brother!
- Well, I do not know ... Well, go talk to him ...

"I'm not saying that your mother cooks badly," says the bridegroom to the bride, "but I seem to begin to understand why you are praying before eating ..."

"Darling, I still can not marry you!"
- Why ?!
- They say that you already had a lot of men ...
"Do not you like how I cook?"
- No, what are you! I never tasted such delicious!
- Then, maybe you do not like how I clean in the house ?!
- What do you mean? You are cleaner than in the operating room!
- Maybe you do not like how I receive guests? !!
- Yes that you! All simply delighted!
- Maybe I'm not in bed with you? !!!!!!
- Yes, I did not even imagine that you can get such pleasure ...
- So you that - think, what I learned all this in correspondence courses? !!

Passenger liner. 9000 meters above the ground.
The airplane falls into an air hole ... it shook properly ... screams, squeals ...
- So, quickly all calmed down! We sat down at the scene! I told anyone! ... Enough to run and climb the walls! Stop yelling! You, you where you burp ??? ... Well there are bags for this !!! ... And what are you? Eb ... are you done, drift? Well, as children, fuck ... So everything, we sat down, calmed down, fastened! All right ... well ...... I'm going to calm the passengers ...