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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories


- Honey, let's go look at the stars.
- I won’t go to the stars without a condom!

- How much do you hang?
- Fuck me ...
- Speak for sure!
- I definitely fuck !!!

"02" - if somewhere a person is in trouble.
“03” - if somewhere a person got into “02”.

As an informed source from the government administration told us, the decision that all passengers must undress on control before boarding the plane was made thanks to powerful lobbying by manufacturers of men's socks.

If, having approached the ATM, you forgot the PIN code of your credit card, do not worry.
Ask someone to put a hot iron on your stomach - just remember.

Improved conditions for prisoners in pre-trial detention centers in the Chelnokov region. Now here in every cell there is a TV, fridge, toaster, electric kettle, coffee maker ...
There is no only outlet where it is all included.

New triptych "Portrait of Yegor Gaidar".
The central part is a portrait of a politician, and the left and right are his cheeks.

Mayonnaise "Makeev"! The best way to get the whole family ... near the toilet!

- Please put Kipelov’s song about impotent ...
- What kind of song is this?
- Well this one: "I am free! I forgot what it means to fuck ...".

- Hey, Manya - yesterday we heard a cuckoo with your Vaska on a hunt ...
Vaska asked: “Cuckoo, cuckoo - but how much time did I have left to live?” She poked him so much, poked so much! Who knew that this feathered whore on per-second tariffication ...

- Geese-geese!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- lol want?
- Gee-gee-gee!

“Where is our third company?” According to the plan, they are supposed to return from intelligence!
“They said that they are now pulling themselves up, Comrade General!”
- That is good! Eagles! Tell them not to rush and, when they pull themselves up, they can still pull themselves up for an hour.

The Ministry of Culture needs movers. Knowledge of the Russian language is UNWANTED!

- Man, tell me what you think about our press?
- That she's lying!
- And why?
- Because a year ago I married an ad in a newspaper on a "beautiful and intelligent girl"!

The world's first private mint, located, as you know, in one of the houses along Malaya Arnautskaya Street, on the occasion of its eleventh birthday, issued a commemorative coin in denominations of eleven American dollars.

- You do not go out at the next?
“How did you guess?”
- Firstly, you lie with your back to the door!

- Here is KamAZ - a good car! I bought - and I do not regret it. No one ...

- Come, Svetka, take a swim ... Here, they say, there are so many microorganisms in the water ...
- Probably microorganisms?
- Well, it depends on how you swim!

- Bond, James Bond...
- Brother, nurse ...

There is a man in the woods. To meet him an old woman. A man says:
- Grandmother, what are you doing in such a wilderness?
Grandma replies:
- I, son, Baba Yaga. I walk around the woods and collect fly agarics. Then I mix it with shit, and insist on alcohol. It turns out a healing tincture, I sell it to people, so I live. Do you want to tell you the secret of healing tincture?
“No, thank you, grandmother,” the man says, “I know how to make money on shit with fly agaric.”
- Well, then goodbye, son ... All the best!
“And goodbye, granny!”
Baba Yaga turned and went in her direction, and Pelevin in her ...

- Your wife, who disappeared a month ago, was found today in the forest under the snow.
- Thank God! And I already thought that she went to another!

Three girlfriends are talking about sex. One husband has a doctor, the second architect, the third military ...
- Mine sterilizes everything all the time ...
- And my everything is planning and planning ...
- And mine will put me in a corner - and says: "Fuck the march step!"
Both in chorus:
- And sho? !!!
- Shaw-sho ... Well, if I get on the first try ... And if not, I march all night!

- "Fuck you" is written with a soft or hard sign?
- With an exclamation !!!

Doctor’s patient:
- Doctor, lately I can’t tell where I am - in real life or on the Internet ...
The doctor tilts his head to the side, smiles and says:
- Gee-gee-gee, huyase ...

Two hunters are sitting. Old to the young says:
- When you go to the forest - the main thing is no-no-do not be afraid of anything ... Here you go in the forest, find traces on-and-on and follow the trail. The main thing is no-no-do not be afraid of anything ... So you have come to the be-be-den. The main thing is no-no-don't be afraid of anything ...
You stick the barrel in the be-be-den, stra-stra-shoot. The main thing is no-no-don't be afraid of anything. Me-me-bear will stick his face out - you smear his face with shit, smear with shit ...
Young:
- And where to get it? !!
- Shit will be - the main thing is no-no-do not be afraid of anything ...

From life.
Reception center of the Central regional hospital.
They call the doctor on duty: they brought a boy with a burn. A 15-year-old boy sits in the viewing room, alarmed parents in the waiting room.
Doctor:
- What happened?
Boy swallowing tears:
- Gasoline with a friend in the garage was cast from a canister ...
- Well...
- It’s dark there, it wasn’t visible ... Well, they lit a match - to see how much was left ...
Doctor, after a pause:
- I saw how much is left? ...
Then the cry of the father of this young from the "dressing room" is heard:
- TWO QUARTERS SAW !!!

The patient is a psychiatrist.
- People consider me impudent, impudent and intrusive.
- I understand. Now I need to make some notes. Could you let my knee go for a few minutes?

- Doctor, what should I do? Every night I dream that
I am a cow and I chew
the grass.
- Well, it's not so scary ...
- Yes, but when I wake up in the morning, the half-mattress is like no
it happened!

- Well, great, doctors! Where is this your psychoanalyst?
- Which the?
- who said yesterday that my problem is that I
never
I can kill a man ..

Preferentialist Nightmare:
"I play, it means a minuscule. I go in, I go in, I go in ..."

A lesson in literature at school. Excellent student Lena asks:
- Mary Bath! And what is a tautology?
“A tautology, children, is when two words mean the same thing.”
For example, you can’t say “glass glass,” because
it's glass, it's glass! Who can come up with another example?
tautologies?
Petya:
- Mary Bath! You can’t say "wooden tree" because
it is a tree, then it is wooden.
M.I .:
- So, please, you, Olga!
Olya:
- Mary Bath! You can’t say "tin tin," because ... etc.
M.I .:
- And you, Vovochka, came up with? Well done!
Little Johnny:
- Mary Bath, you can’t say "fuck mother" because she’s a mother,
then she .. ebony!

Two crocodiles are swimming, they saw a monkey sitting on a branch by a tree.
One to another and says:
- Let's make fun of the monkey, ask if she is married.
Will say
married, say: “But who took this ?!”; and if he says single,
we’ll say: “Who will take this ?!”
The second agreed. Swim, ask:
“Are you married, monkey?”
- What is married here, all around crocodiles!

HOT SNACK
Burning eyes stewed in sour cream
Eastern salt
Cockroach baked in a slip-by-roll test Nose in tobacco Belyashi with red guard Hamburgers, Yamburgers, Yekaterinburg

FIRST MEAL
RAM soup in Tatar (62 kilobytes)
Hut chopped from the post. oil
Stigma in own cannon
Steam cutlets, with stoker
Goulash "Late Night" with the girls
Pork fever. with horseradish. characters than
Trouble with meat

PORTION DISHES
Pig Fillet
Hegemons under oppression
Japanese in private. sake
Poultry meat chopped with an airplane propeller. Mirror Carp in a frame from St. of vegetables

- Young man! Which month do you think is best
just getting married?
- In Matryabr ...
- So there is no such month?!?!
- That's it....

Three baby talk:
1st: I'm 5 years old. How old are you?
2nd: And I am 4.
3d: I don’t know ;-(
1st: Do you drink vodka? Are you walking with the women? Do you smoke?
3d: He-a.
2nd: Ah, two years.

- Doctor, my child does not pronounce the letter "P" ..
- Your child probably has the wrong bite
“God be with you, elbow, what a bite!” I have a girl!

An advertising agent enters the apartment and, not letting the owners come to his senses, quickly pours out the garbage that he has brought with him in the entrance hall and says: “I am ready to eat everything that our wonderful vacuum cleaner that I want to offer you to buy! Madam, where are you ?! - To the kitchen for a spoon. We have no electricity for the second day!

Karl Klara inclined to oral.

... If at the beginning of the film a huge artificial cock hangs on the wall ...
Laziness is when you see the need to do something, but you don’t feel like it, but you
- this is when you want something, but you don’t see the need to do it.
At all costs - but only for free ...
He who is not with us drank us.
The brain is the organ by which we think as if we were thinking.
Good habits prolong life, and bad habits make it pleasant.
It is very strange: why did the wolf blow, and the pigs blew the roof?
If a person does not want to believe in your humanism, then you can try torture.
According to the latest research, programmers are not born - these are consequences of a birth injury.
Member fell and can’t get up - he is waiting for someone to help him ...
But it’s bad to be a bird - you want to kiss your mother and peck her.
If you don’t hold politicians by their balls, then they will fuck you in the ass.

- Mom, I'm going home - to buy something?
- Buy yourself an apartment, you bastard, and live separately!

Billiard room. The administrator approaches the lonely gaming client:
- How are you doing?
- Well, for the past hour I’m rolling balls - and I can’t score anything!
- It’s understandable - a ping-pong table ...

- And what kind of fish do you want to catch?
- Zucchini.
- There is no such fish!
- How is it not? There is caviar - but no fish? !!

- But in our apartment the cat does not mark the corners!
- Yes, he fucked up! Thinks here is all his !!!

- Why is a rabbit afraid of a boa constrictor?
- Because he does not know where to fuck him ...

Husband and wife are sitting in a restaurant. Husband cracked with a knife on the meat - it flies off his wife on a blouse.
Wife strictly:
- Peter, look! I look like a pig!
- Yes, I know ... By the way, and your blouse is dirty ...

From life.
Pleased with a colleague, retired colonel. However, according to him, scouts do not resign.
- What's the matter? Why is the view sick, why does the left eye not open?
“Migraine,” I say.
- What is our left hemisphere responsible for?
- For the logic.
- So surrender to the feeling!

From life.
Interesting types began to appear among us among conductors.
One of the episodes on the bus.
In the crowd of people the insinuating voice of the conductor:
- And who is going "fluffy" here?
And a little with ominous intonation adds.
- AND LET'S LET US WITH YOU TOGETHER TO SEE IT!

An old man enters the eatery and turns to the owner:
- Son, do you have something soft to eat? And then I was completely without teeth.
- I can boil soft-boiled eggs for you.
- Oh, not that!
- Why?
- Creepy associations. He worked all his life as a jockey.

Dialogue between father and son, discussing the housing issue.
Son:
- Well, for another year the construction of the house was frozen. Another year I'm without a separate apartment. To live with you again. Although the apartment is large, you can’t call a girl or arrange a party! Nothing is impossible at all.
Father, after a pause:
- Come on, I was even worse at your age! I was already married.

From life.
Night bar disco. Girls dance around the pole. After the main program, they go to the tables for extra money called "private dance". At one table, a man - under 100 kg, corresponding growth.
A girl with two strings on her body begins to rub languidly around, since the table is richly laid and it is clear that a person has money.
A man complacently says:
- Honey, I work as a gynecologist - do you want to surprise me with something ?!
The girl changes in her face, goes to the next table!

At the mistress:
- Van, what are you, "Zaporozhets" bought?
“How did you guess?”
- Yes, you start me all back?

- And I call my wife Tomahawk.
“Do you have one of the Indians?”
- No, actually they call her Tamara, only she is like an angry dog!

The Wolf meets Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and says:
- Well, Cap - you and I have two options for the development of events: either a merger or a takeover ...

- Listen, I watched this show “Supermodel”. There is no my ideal there!
All, of course, are beautiful - but stupid !!! No, really, there is one smart one - but she’s bald ...
- This is Bondarchuk!

Entertaining zoology. It turns out that a bee sting by energy value replaces a spoonful of honey!

For you, curious.
The Council of Ministers reports that September ends on October 1.

The subtleties of the charter.
If you steal the fence surrounding the military unit, then it will end up in a wilderness.

- Guys! What to do? My son grows greedy ... And who is he like that ?!
Maybe he should give something for his birthday? ... Although, no ... It will cost ...

My dad, when he was washing, was sucked into the drain hole, and he surfaced only at a neighbor in the kitchen. Well, at least he told his mom so.

Telephone call:
- Hello, is this a photograph?
- No, this is a living person!

Pechkin:
“Why am I so angry before?” Because I didn’t have a bicycle.
And now, when I don’t have a scooter either, I’ll just kill you.

A divorced husband at a mass party sees his ex with a new man ...
After drinking a couple of glasses, he decides to pin that guy.
Suitable, it seems.
“Well, how is it to drive a used car?” - asks.
“No problem,” the second answers, “the main thing is to drive the first 5 centimeters, and then everything is new ...”

At the gay club:
- Well, let's play a point?

From life.
The real story told by my brother. Already almost become a joke.
He has a friend by the name of Vlad, who works in Prombank as a personnel manager. And at work, he often has to deal with a Ukrainian commercial bank (UKB for short).
In general, he came out somehow, maybe out of need ... and the girl is just calling him ...
An employee also asks - can he pass something on to him?
She says:
- Tell me that Lena called from the KGB.
After Vlad returns, the employee (with round balls, at least play bowling), says:
- Here, some Lena called you ... not only that, bitch, so also a "b" ...

Mid September. The drunk sits in the kitchen, thumps.
Radio weather forecast:
- A warm, cloudless weather is expected. Indian summer.
The next morning, he jumps from a hangover to the street for a beer in a T-shirt, sweatpants, slippers.
And there is rain, wind, slush. He stands shivering from the cold:
- Indian summer, Indian summer ... Fucking autumn !!!

Two on the bus, returning from the theater, discuss the ballet theme:
- How beautiful and aesthetic ballet is! The elegance of lines, graceful movements, reverent sensuality of images!
- Yes! Magnificent grace, subtle harmony of dance and music ...
Then the man from the next seat does not stand up and meets in conversation:
- Aha! Here in our village Manka, too, how a half a kilo will rub it in - then later he fucks such an accordion !!!

When an Englishman comes to visit, he carries with him his dignity. When a Frenchman comes to visit, he leads his wife with him. When a Russian comes to visit, he leads his wife and children with him. When a Jew comes to visit, he carries a cake with him. === When an Englishman returns from guests, he carries with him his dignity. When the Frenchman returns from the guests, he leads a lover with him.
When is Russian
returns from guests, his wife and children lead him. When a Jew returns from guests, he carries a cake with him. === In doing so they think:
Englishman: not
Have I dropped my dignity? Frenchman: and with whom did my wife leave? Russian: so what, that he knocked my eye out ?! But I knocked out two of his teeth! Jew:
who else to go to
until the cake is dry?

Caught, it appears, in the pit a lion (l), a fox (s), a hare (s), a monkey (o) and a hippopotamus. A lion,
naturally cool (the king of beasts after all). And begins to decide who to eat.
L: Well, that. Today we will eat the most eared. Z: Why me ... O: Ah, hare, moron! Che, has grown ears? Now we will devour you! Ate a hare, licked. The next day I want to eat again. L: And today we will eat the red one. Lee: Why me? A: Everything, redhead, you can’t deceive us!
I jumped! Gobble up and nothing from
you will not be left! Tired of this lion, but nothing can be done. Once the fox has decided, it means the fox. Ate. After a day, lunch time is coming up again.
L: Now we will eat
most fucked up! O runs up to the hippo, gives him a kick:
Well! Get up!
Replenished!

I bought one Madame wardrobe (like everything in the scoop disassembled). She dragged her home and decided to arrange a surprise for her husband, collected / skru / teel / screwed everything according to the instructions, it is worth not loving her. Then the tram rides past, drove, and the closet fell apart.
Collected a second time - the same story. I decided to ask a neighbor. I went to him, well, as he was at home in family underpants, he went to look.
Gathered again, past
Tram - again, the closet collapsed. Well, the neighbor says, “Let's get it together, I’ll climb into it and look inside.” No sooner said than done. Then the doorbell rings, Madame opens - there is a husband. He comes in, saw a closet, opens it for him, and there, a crouched neighbor stands in family shorts. My husband has a jaw on the floor.
“What are you doing here?”
- Vasya, you won’t believe it. I'm waiting for the tram.

Moskvich in Kiev:
- Sorry, how's the papacy in the Racian embassy?
- It’s simple even: navigating a rocket launcher, aiming and yobnuv!

Situation. I work on the 3rd floor. On the 4th floor there is paper in the toilet, but there is no light (the light bulb has already burned out like a week); on the fifth, there is no paper, but there is light. I was crushed on the valve, I think: on the fifth without paper or ..., I chose the fourth. I ran out, locked myself, doing the thing.
Someone pulling a pen:
- Is there anyone?
I will not answer in a strained voice, but at that time a loud puuk ...
Is he:
“Clear, why without light?”
I'm a bunch of poo-poo-poo ...
Is he:
- I understand ... - then he stood and added: - The first time with an ass
I'm talking ... and everything is clear.

She:
“Will you love me when my hair turns gray?” Is he:
- Of course! Why not? After all, I loved you when your hair was red, yellow, orange, blue, silver and even green!

Kovachi moved to a new apartment. A few days later a friend asks
Kovacs:
“Well, how do you feel in a new place?”
- My wife was nervous at first, but now she feels great
- she is already
quarreled with all neighbors.

A girl is standing on the balcony. A man walks past. Girl suddenly
yells:
- The man! I am afraid of you!
- What are you afraid of me?
“And you will rape me!”
“How am I going to rape you if I'm downstairs and you are on the balcony?”
- And now I will come down to you ...

Two pensioners meet. One says to the other: - Yeah, yeah, young people today live poorly. Poor ....... But fun! I look at them, five of us smoke a cigarette, but still laugh.

The inscription on the garage:
"Cars, no pit, bike already stolen,
please do not worry. "

“What kind of knot is on your handkerchief?”
- Mom tied, so I did not forget to pay for electricity.
- Well, did you pay?
- No, she forgot to give money.

Two friends stayed in a small hotel.
In the morning, one asks the other:
- Well, how did you sleep?
“Very bad.” I had a dead flea in my bed.
“So she could not bother you.”
- She couldn’t, but she gathered for her funeral and wake
with fifty relatives.

A man who has not married before thirty is at risk of getting married after thirty.
Strictly observing the rules of etiquette as a guest, you will leave angry, sober and hungry.
After death, the righteous masochists go to heaven for eternal torment.
In the entertainment industry, the best idea was to divide people into two sexes ...
If you have no problems - look for a woman.
If the tax office has ceased to be interested in you, it means that you are doing something wrong.
A cowboy is not the one who shot first, but the one who got the first ...
Cellulite is better in hands than silicone on TV ...
To spend an evening in the company of two beautiful girls, you need one ugly girl and a bottle of vodka!
Stopping on time is not the main thing, the main thing is being able to park in the right place.
Have you been thrown? Spread your wings and le-te-lee-i! ..

- Andrey, I saw your record here ... Judging by the record - you are blonde!

“Like from my mother’s from the bedroom, the lopsided and the lame ...”
- And from my father's - a normal, pretty girl comes out!

A man opens a bottle, and a genie climbs out of it:
- I’ll do everything you ask, but with one condition - your worst enemy will receive it 10 times more ...
Man:
- Good, good - I want to have a penis 25 centimeters long !!!

- At the last presidential election in Russia, two ballot boxes were installed to simplify the vote count. One is for Putin, the other is a paper shredder.

- And now - a good fairy tale. The girl ran near the warehouse with nuclear waste. She ran, waved her tail!

- How will the German "I love you" be?
- Their libeh.
- And in English?
- I love you!
- And how will it be in Krasnodar?
- Well, quickly into the car!

The guy with the girl make love.
Is he:
- Well, what are you lying like a tree? !!
She:
- Get down ... Woodpecker!

- Yesterday I walked with my girlfriend around the city all night. Everything was as in
verses: night, street, lantern, pharmacy ...

- Oh you, my little one!
- Yeah? ..
“You are my little baby!”
- Do not exaggerate...

Textbook "Resistance of materials." Volume 1 - Women.

- Honey, I'll call you back later! You see, I can’t swear now!

- Mom, I tell you, well, she doesn’t listen to me at all! Not only that - she herself does not say a single word! Mom, I can’t do that anymore! What should I do?!
“Stop whining, Major, and go continue the interrogation!”

Psychologists have established how a person who wants to borrow money from you behaves: his eyes are friendly, his face is open, his hand is slightly extended forward, there is a gun in it.

Abram meets Moisha:
- Listen, could you give a friend a hundred rubles?
- Could. But I have no friends.

Report from the shore.
I will tell you about warships. Each of them has its own story. Here is Fearless, here is Ruthless, and here is constantly under repair, Shameless.

The teaching staff of one of the most prestigious lyceums in our city is rightfully proud of Oleg Sinkin. In just six months, he completely learned the multiplication table, the basic rules of the Russian language, but most importantly, he stopped pestering everyone with the question: “Why is it cool that I’m the type of director here?”.

Three men argue over whose wife is better in bed.
One says:
- My wife is like a volcano! So hot ...
The second says:
- And mine is like the wind! Flies, clothes tore off, and away we go ...
Third:
- And mine is like a whirlpool ...
- What, so quiet?
- Yes, it seems quiet - but how it sucks ...!

Anna Netrebko awarded the State Prize of the Russian Federation for the best performance of the party Monica Lewinsky!

- Tell me, Father, why in the Catholic Church the choir sings to the harpsichord, organ or harmonium, and among us Orthodox, without accompaniment?
“The fact is, my son, that you cannot drink real talent.” But the harpsichord - how to fuck ...

The perfumery set for gambling went on sale: Jackpot deodorant and Jack Dandruff shampoo.

Putin comes to a sushi bar with Fradkov and Ivanov.
The waitress asks:
- What will you be?
Putin:
- The fish.
The waitress:
- And the vegetables?
Putin:
- Vegetables will also be fish.

“You haven't seen me in a fight yet!” I'm so fucked !!!

- Natalia, you are a teacher of literature! You must teach the children beautiful, and not how to open the eyes of the bottle!

“Professor, will I have a gun?”
- Yes, and tarpaulin boots ...

- I bought Dove soap for myself!
- We survived! She bought milkworm ... That is, without soapworm we can’t squeeze out soap anymore!

Timeline.
The country's chief sanitary doctor assured the residents that this year the watermelons are so safe that even peels can be buried safely and not burned as before ...

Maxim Galkin goes into the staircase - shake the bucket into the garbage chute.
Suddenly, someone runs up to him from behind, throws his head back, unclenches his mouth and pours vodka into it. Then he runs away, and a jubilant cry is heard from below:
- Brothers! I drank vodka with Galkin himself!

- Mother! I want a brother!
- Well, I don’t know ... Well, go talk to him ...

“I am not saying that your mother cooks poorly,” the bridegroom says to the bride, “but I seem to begin to understand why you are praying before eating ...

“Honey, I still can't marry you!”
- Why ?!
- They say that you already had a lot of men ...
“Do you not like the way I cook?”
- No, what are you! I haven’t tried such yummy!
“Then maybe you don't like the way I clean the house ?!”
- What are you doing? It's cleaner than in the operating room!
“Maybe you don't like the way I receive guests ?!”
- What are you! Everything is just delighted!
- Maybe I don’t like you in bed? !!!!!!
- Yes, I did not even imagine that you can get such a pleasure ...
- So what - you think that I learned all this in correspondence courses ?!

Passenger liner. 9000 meters above the ground.
The plane gets into the air hole ... shook well ... screams, screeches ...
Stewardess:
- So, everyone quickly calmed down! We sat down in place! I told someone! ... Stop running and climbing walls! Stop yelling! You, where are you burping ??? ... Well, there are bags for this !!! ... And what are you? Fuck ... you fucked up, shtol? Well, like children, fucking ... So - that's it, they sat down, calmed down, buckled up! All ... well ... I’m going to calm the passengers ...