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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


The secretary enters the editor's office and finds him crying ...
- What happened?
- Our journalists have completely lost their professionalism - they began to write obviously custom-made articles, and even in the Ukrainian language ...
- Yes, I forgot to warn you - the personnel department recruited Ukrainians for the period of holidays ...

Nostradamus found a verse that describes the upgrade of the computer:
"... the old mother will decorate with a new stone, become smarter and work faster ...".

From life.
If brevity is the sister of talent, the most talented graffiti I've seen is on the wall of one public toilet: in the upper right corner of the huge blue letter "M", standard for such a place, "TV" is nicely added from the can.

- Well, how did you get the loan?
- No, they refused ... When I filled in the questionnaire, in the column "The purpose of the loan" honestly wrote - "Bribe to the official" ...

After the violent advertising company Tinkoff brewery with the slogan "go to" T ", the producers Heiniken and Guinness filed in arbitration for unfair competition ...

Once comes Salieri to his friend - Mozart. We sat and chatted. Then Mozart offered to listen to his latest work. I sat down at the piano to play.
Asks:
"How about you, Salieri?"
And Salieri replies:
- Nicho so, glamurnenko. Zhzhosh. On, drink it.

Cinderella:
- Who are you?
- Hello, I'm your aunt!
- Kalyagin?

ZHZ. It turns out that Samson, tearing the jaws of the lion, was not at all as evil as they thought ...
Simply he was told that lions, like birds, should eat with their hands.

"What are you interested in, girl?"
- Baby carriages.
- If you want a husband to walk with a child more often, then take this one, with an ashtray.

Going to meet the patients, clinic number 6 decided to make their services free of charge.
Since Monday, in the manipulation room, the clinic is put for free.
But the toilet opposite will work only for money.

Even the old behemoth
Likes a trivial joke
But in a public swamp
Speaks only against
Because the behemoth
Young people enjoy eating

Lived there were people in one village, who had never tasted sweet ...
Somehow the peasant came to them alone, and brought them a sweet, semisweet and still fortified ...
And the village started a completely different life ...

"Are you so fresh and joyful today?"
- Yes, here, bought a lottery ticket in the morning and won him a trip to the bath.
"And what's with the bruises all covered with bruises?"
- It turned out that in the women's.

In the barber shop is absolutely bald man:
- Tell me, did you advertise for the purchase of natural hair longer than 35 centimeters?
- Yes, we ... And what do you have to do with this?
- Well, do not tell me, do not say: you do not see everything ...

"The First, Second and Third Punic Wars were unjust wars in the history of mankind, because neither Rome nor Carthage aimed to grant independence to Ukraine."
"History of the Ancient World", publishing house "Demokratia", Kiev.

Meeting in the CIA:
- We throw on oil another 10 bucks and then these Russians will kill themselves when they share the stabilization fund ...

Rain drops slide lazily across the glass like a tear, mean and clean. A light wind plays with foliage. Behind the trees, hidden from my eyes, the lanterns are hidden, gently dropping the light and describing the asphalt with wet patterns ...
Accept all the riot of the picture, there is only one question:
- And do not you score more ?!

Private clinic. The young girl comes in.
- Hello, Doctor! I have a wedding today, my fiancé is a crystal young man, and I ... In short, I need to have blood ...
- I ask you to go to the armchair ... And tomorrow morning - again to me!
The next day:
- Thank you, doctor, there was so much blood: both on the walls and on the ceiling, I'm not talking about the whole bed was in blood ... Thank you very much!
- I ask in the armchair!
- What for?!
- Well, not all your life with a blade to walk ...

I went one time to cut a man with a pig. I went into the pigsty with a knife in the morning - and the pig felt something wrong, it was hammering in the corner and yelling all the way.
My wife heard, the pig became a pity, well, I persuaded today not to cut it, but to give the pig another day to live.
The next day - the same story. A man with a knife in a pigsty, a pig in horror, his wife discourages another day. So the whole week passed ...
Once again, the guy huddled in a pigsty - and there's no sound.
Leaves for the wife:
"Did you achieve it, bitch ?!" Our pig hanged herself !!!

If a woman does not mind - check to see if she is alive ...
If Pygmalion knew that everything would turn out like this - he would have originally performed Galatea from latex ...
In any case, question the diagnosis of a sex therapist!
Remember: showing the tongue to a gynecologist is unethical!
Did you know that Mumu was a male? But the bitch was Gerasim!
What do you dream, doctor-proctologist?
We ate, drank ... it's time and honor to lose!
The secret of safe driving: "Imagine that you forgot the rights at home ...".
If the girl told you a hard "NO", and her eyes tell you "YES", do not rush to draw conclusions, it may be just a reflection of your ...
If a man as a lion could mate 50 times a day - how much would he need health to smoke so much.
Condoms with a portrait of Putin. Stick it wherever you want ...
If you do not have eggs, you need someone who has two.

Dialogue in the traffic police. The guy passes the documents for the registration of the car.
STSI:
"You're not from the MacLeod clan, by any chance?"
- No!!!
"Then why do not you have a birth date in your application?"

- What does the economic growth in Russia have in common with the planet Pluto?
"No one has seen them, and the essence is proved by complicated deductions."

- Aramis, my wife began a period.
"I'll hold them, nothing!"

- Yes, to whom do you raise your penis? !!

"Floppy!" - threw, leaving, the Japanese commander, who was tired of listening to the communistic delirium of Sergei Lazo.
Unfortunately, the subordinates understood it literally ...

Husband and wife are resting on the sea, the vacation is soon over. At night in a dream the husband terribly screams:
- Help !!!
Wife wakes him up:
"What, a nightmare?"
- Yes. I dreamed that I came here again - and again with you ...

"I love you, Timothy!"
"I love you, Alex!" Let's go there.
"You can not go there, there are cameras."
"Then go there."
- There too it is impossible, there too cameras!
- But why?
"There are cameras everywhere!" It's a prison!

- In Voronezh, this land! Such a chernozem! The African will fall - get lost!

- We, in the Urals, say: "The peasant said - he made a man!". Therefore, all the peasants are quiet and silent!

KVN Tomsk.
- How much freedom-loving Latvians! 200 people questioned - and none wants to go to jail!

- Doctor - and maybe not?
- You must Fedya, you must!
"I'm not Fedya!" I'm Peter.
- So I'm not a doctor!

Moldavian gymnasts have mixed up dope with Viagra ...
Their performance with a horse for a long time will excite the minds of impressionable fans.

The boy is tormenting his mother: why do the hens carry the eggs? Crocodiles, turtles, dinosaurs - postpone, and chickens - carry? Where are they carried? What are they carrying?
In general, tortured.
When Dad came in the evening, he was asked the same question:
"Why are the hens carried?"
The answer was immediate:
- Chickens do not suck because they are liquid!

- Mom, despite the fact that I clean my teeth with blend-a-honey - I have less and less of them, and I also have my hair Panten Pro-Vi two-in-one - but they still fall out of me ... Does this mean that advertising lies?
- No, my son - we just live in Chernobyl ...

- No, in this position I can not before the wedding.

The scandal with Philip Kirkorov continues to gain momentum.
Now the singer himself calls the journalists and sends them to ...

- I heard you recently had a baby born, the tenth like? And how do you all just fit in at home? !!
- Normally we are ... I'm building the second floor now!
"Oh, you're building a house!"
"No, the second floor above the bed ..."

"What bribe?" This gave me a postcard! Crumpled, green. One hundred years to Benjamin Franklin! What? What are you doing?! Why are you arresting me?
"How do we arrest?" We invite you to the 300th anniversary of the guillotine ...

"Witness, do you recognize the kidnappers?"
"Mmmm ... uh ... You see, I had a bag on my head, so I'm not sure ..."
"Sergeant, put a sack on the witness's head."
"They're still ..."
"Yes, I remember ... Sergeant, hit him hard!"
- A-ah-ah!
"Do you now recognize the kidnappers?"
- Yes! Yes! It's exactly them!

Advertising ALPHA-BANK.
"Finished school?"
- No work?
- No money?
- SO GO TO HUY !!!

They played a young wedding.
First day. Make love all day. A man is happy.
Second day. The same story. The man was tired, but satisfied.
The third day. A man is terribly tired, but he tries not to lose form.
Fourth. A man is terribly irritated, but how a krol performs his conjugal duty.
The fifth day has come. The man slides off the bed:
- Honey, I'll go to the bath ...
She coquettishly, stroking herself:
"Are you going to wash yourself?"
He, irritated:
- No, fuck - masturbate !!!

A man is going by car. He sees - at the side of the road there is a woman with a canister in
hands. He thinks - maybe alcohol or beer - you need a lift.
I sat down and drove on.
The man on the canister nods:
"Alcohol?"
- No.
"So the beer?"
- No, it's gasoline.
- Ty! What for?
"I know you, men!" Only before the first fishing line you will take - at once you have gasoline
ends!

Natasha Rostov and Lieutenant Rzhevsky are walking around the lake.
- Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan?
"With your bare back and in the wet water?" No, thank you!

- What is a "honeymoon"?
"It's when you finally understand how you got stuck."

Climbing climber on the mountain, at the top is a sign: "It's loud not to talk, an avalanche is possible." Next to the sign is a grandfather. The climber asks:
"Grandfather, who are you?"
- I'm grandfather!

Young Espagnolette:
- M-ah-ah-ah, and m-ah-ah, and who is our dad?
- Footballer.
- And who is a football player?
- Yes, son, such a profession - to dishonor the Motherland ..

After the match, Blokhin asks Shevchenko:
"Ti de buv?"
- Бігав.
- And if the shirt is dry and not smelling?

Yesterday evening at leisure once again read Tolstoy's War and Peace and suddenly realized that the film "The War of the Worlds" was filmed for this book!
Only slightly changed the plot and the names of the characters! Or am I mistaken?

One friend says to another:
- Yesterday told the chief that he was not happy with his salary.
- And what's the boss ?!
- He advised me so directly to her about this and say ...

"Madam, sir, what do you-you-do with-today, ik, in the evening?"
"I'm stroking your shirts, you asshole!"

"Do you have any money?"
"There are some ... some not ..."

Two bosom friends met by chance, they did not see each other for 12 years. What a joy! We saw each other and let's hug, kiss ... until one dick gets up.

- Vasya, what are you doing?
- Nihuya ...
- It turns out?

Food market. A small queue, a woman's question:
- Disposable porridge is?
The whole turn was thoughtful!

It is a pity that Putin can not run for the next term.
I would vote against it.

- Well, you dashing! For the first time jump with a parachute and immediately - protracted!
- Yes, the bottle slipped out of my pocket - I was catching up!

The husband and his wife quarrel. Wife:
- In my life there were only two real men!
Husband, with curiosity:
- And the second who? !!
-... and you are not familiar with the first ...

In recent times, such a method of deception has become more frequent.
A pretty girl approaches you in the street and offers to sleep with her.
The temptation to sleep with the first girlfriend for free is always great, and many peck at this simple trick. The swindler brings his victim to the film quarry and gives absolutely unsuspecting person absolutely fantastic sex ...
And in the end it turns out that all its multiple orgasms rogue simply simulated!

On the importance of pronouns.
When two madam talk, the word "yours" usually means "husband".
When Madame talks with her husband - "your" means "dick."

- Daughter, did you eat all the pelmeni ??
- Yes, Daddy.
- Well done, SIKA-A-AA - ALL IN MOM-WU !!!

Three degrees of obesity:
1. You can not see how it hangs.
2. Do not see how it costs.
3. You can not see who sucks.

A Buddhist monk came to the village late at night. We need to spend the night - knocking, a young woman opens the door:
- To spend the night at the forest, if you fulfill one of my desires. Either drink or sleep with me ... And if you do not want to - then here, I was going to slaughter a sheep, but I can not. Zarezhesh - let's sleep ...
The monk is scratching his turnips: "It's forbidden to drink." It's forbidden to kill anyone with women. "
But there is nothing to be done - he decided: "We have to choose the lesser of the three sins, perhaps it's a drink ...".
He drank it.
And then he stabbed the sheep and fucked the landlady.
Or stabbed the landlady and fucked a sheep.
I do not remember exactly ...

A true patriot does not seek benefits from the sale of the Motherland.
Want your hair to be always shiny - stop washing them.
It's not terrible that your laziness was born before you, and it's scary that she can die before that.
If rape is unavoidable - relax and rape!
She was monstrously beautiful. All the monsters from her straight baldeli.
The driver, remember! Including a turn signal, you are agitating for the opposition!
A woman always wants a big and love ...
Spam was invented by God in revenge for our prayers.
Those who go to bed early get married late.
Here you say: whores, whores ...
But they are women like everyone else. Only more money and experience.
It is noticed: if the car is run by a man - in most cases before removing the hose from the tank, he shakes the gun ...
When the teacher from the tenth time puts the student "satisfactorily" - this means that he did not just satisfy him - but simply fucked.

- Tomorrow in our theater there will be a concert of groups "Rammstein" and "Aria".
Say goodbye to the theater the day after tomorrow.

- Team captain of the ship "Ends in the water!" with joy was picked up by mischievous mermaids.

- On Ivan Kupala Sergey Bubka liked to jump over the fire. For the results to grow, the trainer constantly poured firewood!

- Gentlemen. The boy was lost. Five years. His name is Sasha. If anyone finds a boy, please: give him a good education.

- Do you have a headache?
- Yes.
"Take these ... condolences!"

- I celebrated this New Year in Hawaii, around tanned girls, the sea, beaches.
- And I'm in India, riding on an elephant, warmth, fruit, friendly Indian women.
- And I celebrated New Year with you, at home in the kitchen, only I did not smoke!

- Sonny - go to bed early today, or you'll be boiled in the morning ...
"I will not, Dad!"
- You will, son! We're shrimp.

- Who's there?
"It's from the police."
"Who?"
- Firefighters.
- What for?
- You have a gas leak ... Hello, do you believe in God?

Putin was presented with a ring with a diamond.
"I agree," Putin said and blushed.

Zampolit in the classroom asks the soldier why he joined the army.
The rookie decided to answer honestly:
- Firstly, I want to defend my Motherland ...
- Correctly...
- Secondly, the service makes me stronger ...
- Right!
- Well, in the third place, I, fuck, nobody asked !!!

A girl comes, a child of God, and, lowering her head, she asks the priest:
- Father, please give a conceptual assessment of that interpretation of hesychasm, which Father John Meendorf carried out in his last monograph published in Paris during the formation of the Russian diaspora ...
"I'm married to a fool!" Immediately married !!!!!

- Today my wife starts a honeymoon.
- How, and you?
"You know I'm a diabetic."

About what their bride is asked by representatives of different professions, lying with her in bed on the wedding night.
Sanitary: Does it hurt?
Shoemaker: You do not press?
Watchmaker: Did they pick or give?

When writing a will, the patient asked the lawyer to write down his last
desire: to bury it with your car. And how much the lawyer and the wife of the sick did not try to dissuade him, he stood his ground.
"The thing is," he admitted at last, "that until now there has not been a single pit from which I would not have got out on my Ford."

The girl drives her battered car to the workshop.
- What happened? asks the master.
"They hit me," she says.
"And how many times?" - specifies the master, having inspected the car.

Twenty first century. On one of the central streets, along which there is an endless stream of cars, there are two sad pedestrians.
- How did you manage to move to this side? asks one.
- I was born here.

Pacific Ocean, a sinking liner ...
"Captain, is the earth far away?"
"Three kilometers."
- Direction? North West South East?
- Down!

- Mom, can I put my fingers in
fan, when will they grow back again?

Ad in the paper:
Looking for a husband! Smoking, drinking,
I think that the spouses
there must be common interests!

The driver on the tractor with the semitrailer wants to pass back (and it happens in the city). He calls the passing boy (Vovochka):
"Hey, boy, I'm going to take it back now, and you look and shout when it's enough."
Begins to move, Vovochka from behind leads:
- Come on! Still, still come on! Yet! Stop! Now, bitch, go look what you've done!

The teacher in the kindergarten asks:
"Guys, name some very evil beast."
Children:
- A wolf ... a tiger ... a lion ... a leopard ...
Vovochka:
- Krokolev.
"Vovochka, is there such a beast?" the teacher asks,
- What does he look like?
"It's such an animal," says Vovochka, "who has the head of a lion on one side, and the head of a crocodile on the other."
"It can not be so," says the teacher, "if he has a head on each side, he can not croak."
"That's why he's so evil."

Vodka in bottles of 0.33 is a demo ...
With money in your pocket, you are smart, and handsome, and even able to sing.
Care in English - it's just ordinary rudeness, elevated to the rank of the national tradition.
The elephant consists of a trunk, ears and a hippopotamus.
If the mountain goes to you - escape: it is a collapse.
What to face the truth, it is better to give lies in the ear.
Lack of wealth is not poverty. Poverty is the thirst for wealth.
I was born in those naive times when the words "fuck" and "blue" meant only what they mean.
Gossip is the only bad habit that does not harm your health!
Caramel doubly tastier, if shmal cooked in it.
If the head hurts - take "Guillotonite".
The contrast blonde is one with a white bang on her forehead, and a black one on the pubic.

On the territory of military unit 10130 Semizaplatinsk, a stock of unsold ammunition was found. With the help of sappers, dangerous items were taken out of the city and sold out cautiously.

- Hello how are you?
- Normally, I was fired from my job.
- For what?
- Yes, hell, I have not been there for six months ...

If there is no water in the tap - it means that the Jews drank it, Gas did not reach Europe - that means the sniffer came out ...

Last week, almost a tragedy occurred during the repair of the burst pipes heating - after four hours of work for plumbers unexpectedly finished mat.

- Did you fuck your wife before the wedding?
- No. And you?
- I - yes ... But I did not know that you would marry her later ...

Yesterday my dad and my mom watched the fashion show - so my uncles were dressed like a tee, and my aunts were dressed like fools ...

From life.
He left with his wife for shopping, at home there was a 14-year-old spinoflot ...
Naturally, on your computer. The next day my friend told me:
- I write to you in ICQ: "Kolya, is that you?". And in the answer: "No, not I. I'm somewhere with my mom ugizdoval."

- I look, you are fattening! Caviar on the table!
"So, after all, it's a barge!"
- So in fact a bucket !!!

Caught somehow the cannibal of an American, a German and a Russian ... And ate all!
The hungry was very, not before the conversations were ...