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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The secretary enters the office of the editor-in-chief and makes him cry ...
- What happened?
- Our journalists have completely lost their professionalism - they began to write obviously custom-made articles, and even in the Ukrainian language ...
- Yes, I forgot to warn you - the personnel department recruited Ukrainians for the period of vacations ...

Nostradamus found a verse that describes a computer upgrade:
"... the old mother will decorate with a new stone, it will become smarter and faster to work ...".

From life.
If brevity is the sister of talent, then the most talented graffiti I saw is on the wall of a public toilet: in the upper right corner of the huge blue letter “M”, standard for such a place, “TV” is beautifully added from a can.

- Well, they gave a loan?
- No, they refused ... When I filled out the questionnaire, I honestly wrote in the column “Purpose of the loan” - “Bribe to the official” ...

After the violent advertising campaign of the Tinkoff brewery with the slogan "let's move on to" T ", the manufacturers Heiniken and Guinness filed for arbitration against unfair competition ...

Salieri comes to his friend, Mozart. We sat and chatted. Here Mozart offered to listen to his latest work. He sat at the piano played.
- Well, how are you, Salieri?
And Salieri replies:
- Nothing so glamorous. Zhosh On, have a drink.

- Who are you?
- Hello, I'm your aunt!
- Kalyagin?

ZHZL. It turns out that Samson, tearing the jaws of a lion, was not at all so evil as they thought ...
They simply told him that the lions, like the bird, should be eaten with their hands.

- What interests you, girl?
- Baby carriages.
- If you want a husband to walk with a child more often, then take this one with an ashtray.

Going towards patients, polyclinic number 6 decided to make their services free-of-charge.
From this Monday in the manipulation room, the klister is set free of charge.
But the toilet opposite will only work for money.

Even the old hippo
He loves a vulgar joke
But in a public swamp
Only against
Because hippo
The morals of young people

There were people in a village who have never tasted sweet ...
Once a peasant came to them alone, and brought them sweet, semi-sweet and more fortified ...
And a completely different life began in the village ...

- What are you today so fresh and joyful?
- Why, I bought a lottery ticket in the morning and won a trip to the bathhouse.
- What is the face bruised all over?
- It turned out to be female.

The absolutely bald man enters a hairdressing salon:
- Tell me, are you announcing the purchase of natural hair longer than 35 centimeters?
- Yes, we ... And what do you have to do with this?
- Well, do not tell, do not tell: you do not see everything ...

"The First, Second and Third Punic Wars were unjust wars in the history of mankind, because neither Rome nor Carthage set as its goal the granting of independence to Ukraine."
"History of the Ancient World", publishing house "Democracy", Kiev.

CIA meeting:
- We are throwing 10 more bucks on oil, and then these Russians will kill themselves when the stabilization fund is divided ...

Raindrops idly slide down the glass like a tear, mean and clean. Light wind plays foliage. Behind the crowns of trees, hiding from my gaze, hiding the lights, gently dropping the light and describing the wet asphalt with tricky patterns ...
Accept the whole riot of the picture, there is only one question:
- Would you like to score more ?!

Private clinic. A young girl walks in.
- Hello, Doctor! I have a wedding today, my fiancé is a crystal-nous young man, and I ... In short, you need to have blood ...
- I ask in a chair ... And tomorrow morning - again to me!
The next day:
- Thank you, doctor, there was so much blood: both on the walls and on the ceiling, I'm not talking about the fact that the whole bed was covered in blood ... Thank you so much!
- I ask in a chair!
- What for?!
- Well, not all the same life you walk with a blade ...

I went once a man to cut a pig. I went in the morning to the pigsty with a knife - and the pig felt wrong, I crouched in a corner and screamed.
My wife heard a pig, it became a pity, well, and persuaded today not to cut, but to give the pig another day to live.
The next day is the same story. A man with a knife in the pigsty, a pig in horror, his wife still dissuades for a day. So the whole week has gone ...
Once again, the peasant stuck himself in the pigsty - and there was not a sound.
Comes to his wife:
- Got your bitch ?! Our pig hung herself !!!

If a woman does not mind - check to see if she is alive ...
If Pygmalion knew that everything would turn out this way - he would have originally performed Galatea from latex ...
In any case, question the diagnosis of a sex therapist!
Remember: to show the language to the gynecologist is unethical!
Did you know that Mumu was a dog? But Gerasim was a bitch!
What do you dream, proctologist doctor?
Ate, drank ... it's time to lose the honor!
The secret of safe driving: "Imagine that you forgot your rights at home ...".
If a girl told you a firm "NO", and her eyes tell you "YES", do not rush to draw conclusions, this can only be a reflection of yours ...
If a man like a lion could mate 50 times a day - how much health would it take to smoke so much.
Condoms with a portrait of Putin. Shove him wherever you want ...
If you do not have eggs - you need someone who has two.

Dialogue in the traffic police. A man hands over documents for registration of the machine.
Traffic police Schnick:
“Are you, by any chance, a clan of the MacLeods?”
- Not!!!
- Then why do you not have the date of birth in your application?

- What is common between economic growth in Russia and the planet Pluto?
- Nobody saw them, and the existence is proved by means of complex calculations.

- Aramis, my wife started her period.
- I'll hold them, nothing!

- Yes, who are you raising the penis? !!

"This sucks!" - quit, leaving, the Japanese commander, who was tired of listening to the communist nonsense of Sergei Lazo.
Unfortunately, subordinates understood it literally ...

Husband and wife are resting on the sea, vacation ends soon. At night in a dream, my husband screams terribly:
- Help !!!
Wife wakes him up:
- What, nightmare?
- Yes. I dreamed that I came here again - and again with you ...

- I love you, Timothy!
- I love you, Alex! Let's go there.
- There can not be there cameras.
- Then go there.
- There is also impossible, there is also a camera!
- But why?
- There are cameras everywhere! This is a prison!

- In Voronezh, such a land! Such black soil! The African will fall - be lost!

- We, in the Urals, say: "The man said - the man did!". Therefore, all the guys we are quiet and silent!

KVN Tomsk.
- What a freedom-loving people Latvians! 200 people interviewed - and no one wants to go to jail!

- Doctor - and maybe not?
- You must Fedya, you must!
- I'm not Fedya! I am Petya.
- So I am not a doctor!

Moldavian gymnasts confused dope with Viagra ...
Their performance with a horse for a long time will excite the minds of impressionable fans.

The boy is tormented by his mother: why do hens lay eggs? Crocodiles, turtles, dinosaurs - lay, and chickens - bear? Where are they? What is carried?
In general, tortured.
When dad came in the evening, he was asked the same question:
- Why are chickens being carried?
The answer came immediately:
- Chickens do not piss because liquid shit!

- Mom, in spite of the fact that I brush my blend-a-honey teeth - I have less and less of them, and also I wash my hair with Panten Pro-We two-in-one - but they all fall out anyway ... Does this mean that advertising is lying?
- No, son - we just live in Chernobyl ...

- No, in this position, I can not before the wedding.

The scandal with Philip Kirkorov continues to gain momentum.
Now the singer himself calls around the journalists and sends them to ...

- I heard you recently had a child born, the tenth like? And how are you all just at home? !!
- Normally we are located ... I here now build the second floor!
- Oh, you are building a house?
- No, the second floor above the bed ...

“What bribe?” This was a postcard to me! Crumpled, green. A hundred years old Benjamin Franklin! What? What are you doing?! Why are you arresting me?
- How are we arrested? We invite you to the three hundred anniversary of the guillotine ...

“Witness, do you recognize the kidnappers?”
- Mmmm ... uh ... You see, I just had a bag on my head, so I find it difficult to answer ...
“Sergeant, put a bag over the witness’s head.”
- They still ...
- Yes, I remember ... Sergeant, cut him a good one!
- Aaaaaa!
- Now you recognize the kidnappers ?!
- Yes! Yes! That's for sure they are!

Advertising ALPHA BANK.
- Finished school?
- No work?
- No money?
- SO GO ON YOU !!!

They played a young wedding.
First day. Make love all day. The man is happy.
Second day. The same story. A man tired, but pleased.
The third day. The guy is terribly tired, but he tries not to lose his uniform.
Fourth. The peasant is terribly annoyed, but as a crawl he performs his marital duty.
It is the fifth day. A man slips out of bed:
- Honey, I will go to the bath ...
She is flirtatious, stroking herself:
- Are you going to wash?
He is annoyed:
- No, fuck - jerk off !!!

A man goes by car. He sees - at the side of the road stands a woman with a canister in
hands. He thinks - maybe alcohol or beer - you need to give a lift.
Sela, go further.
The man on the canister nods:
- alcohol?
- Not.
- So beer?
- No, - gasoline.
- Hm! What for?
- I know you, men! Only you get to the first line - you immediately have gasoline
is over!

Natasha Rostov and Lieutenant Rzhevsky walk around the lake.
- Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan?
- Bare ass and in wet water? No, thank you!

- What is a honeymoon?
- This is when you finally understand how you are in trouble.

A climber climbs up the mountain, at the top is a sign: "Do not speak loudly, an avalanche is possible." Next to the sign is a grandfather. The climber asks:
- Grandfather, who are you?
- I'm a grandfather-zapadloooo !!!

Infant lash:
- M-aa-a-m, and m-a-a-am, and who is our dad?
- Footballer.
- And who is a football player?
- There is, son, such a profession - Shame homeland ..

After the match, Blokhin asks Shevchenko:
- Ty de Bouve?
- Bgav.
- A chomu shirt is dry and i do not smell?

Yesterday evening at leisure I reread Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” and suddenly I realized that the film “War of the Worlds” was made from this book!
Only slightly changed the plot and the names of the characters! Or am I mistaken?

One friend says to another:
- Yesterday I told the chief that I was dissatisfied with my salary.
- And what is the boss ?!
- He advised me to tell her so directly about it ...

- Ss-madam, and what do you-s-you do s-day, uk, in the evening?
- Shirts stroking you, idiot!

- Do you have money?
- Some are ... some are not ...

Two bosom friends met by chance, hadn’t seen each other for 12 years. What a joy! Saw each other and let's hug, kiss ... until one dick got up.

- Vasya, what are you doing?
- Nihuya ...
- It turns out?

Food market. A small queue, a woman's question:
- Is there any disposable cereal?
The whole line is deeply thoughtful!

It is a pity that Putin cannot run for the next term.
I would vote against.

- Well, you're dashing! For the first time skydiving and immediately - protracted!
- Yes, the bottle slipped out of his pocket - catching up!

Quarreling husband and wife. Wife:
- In my life there were only two real men!
Husband, with curiosity:
- And who is the second? !!
-... yes you are not familiar with the first ...

Recently, this method of fraud has become more frequent.
A pretty girl approaches you on the street and suggests sleeping with her.
The temptation to sleep for free with the first oncoming girlfriend is always great, and many peck on this simple trick. Aferistka brings her victim to an imaginary apartment and gives the unsuspecting person absolutely fantastic sex ...
But in the end it turns out that the swindler simply simulated all her multiple orgasms !!!

On the meaning of pronouns.
When two madam talk, the word "your" usually means "husband."
When Madame talks with her spouse - "your" means "dick."

- Daughter, did you eat all the dumplings ???
- Yes, daddy.
- Well done, SYKA-A-AA - ALL IN MOM-UU !!!

Three degrees of obesity:
1. Can not see how to hang.
2. Can not see how it is.
3. Can not see who sucks.

A Buddhist monk came to the village late at night. We need to spend the night - knocking, the door is opened by a young still woman:
- To spend the night comin only if you fulfill one of my desires. Or have a drink with me or lie down ... And if you don’t want it - then, I was going to slaughter a sheep, but I can’t. Zarezhesh - comin to spend the night ...
The monk is scratching a turnip: "It is forbidden to drink. It is forbidden to kill. With women in general, no, no."
But there is nothing to do - I decided: "It is necessary to choose the lesser of the three sins. Perhaps this is a drink ...".
He drank.
And then he slaughtered a sheep and fucked the hostess.
Or slaughtered the owner and fucked the sheep.
I do not remember exactly ...

This patriot is not looking for benefits from the sale of the motherland.
Want your hair to always be shiny - stop washing it.
It is not scary that your laziness was born ahead of you, but it is terrible that she may die earlier.
If rape is inevitable - relax and rape!
She was monstrously beautiful. All the monsters from her straight baldeli.
Driver, remember! Turning on the turn signal, you are campaigning for opposition!
A woman always wants big and love ...
Spam was invented by God in retaliation for our prayers.
Who goes to bed early, he gets married late.
You say: fuck, fuck ...
But these are the same women as everyone. Only more money and experience.
It is noticed: if a man fills the car - in most cases, before pulling out the hose from the tank, he shakes off the gun ...
When the teacher from the tenth time puts the student "satisfactorily" - this means that he did not just satisfy him - but simply zaebal.

- Tomorrow in our concert will take place the group "Rammstein" and "Aria".
Say goodbye to the theater come the day after tomorrow.

- The command of the captain of the ship "The ends in the water!" gladly was picked up by mischievous mermaids.

- At Ivan Kupala, Sergey Bubka loved to jump over the fire. To make the results grow, the trainer constantly added firewood!

- Gentlemen. Lost a boy. Five years. Name is Sasha. If anyone finds a boy, ask: give him a good education.

- Do you have a headache?
- Yes.
- Take these ... condolences!

- I celebrated this New Year in Hawaii, around the tanned girls, the sea, beaches.
“And I'm in India, riding an elephant, warmth, fruit, friendly Indian women.”
- And I also celebrated the New Year with you, at home in the kitchen, but I did not smoke!

- Son - go to bed today to send early, otherwise you will be boiled in the morning ...
- I will not, Dad!
- You will, son! We are shrimp.

- Who's there?
- This is from the police.
- Who?
- Firefighters.
- What for?
- You have a gas leak ... Hello, do you believe in God?

Putin was presented with a diamond ring.
"I agree," said Putin, and he blushed.

Zampolit in the classroom asks the soldier why he went into the army.
The recruit decided to answer honestly:
- First, I want to protect my homeland ...
- Right...
- Secondly, the service makes me stronger ...
- Right!
- Well, thirdly, no one asked me fucking !!!

A girl, a child of God, comes and asks a priest, drooping his eye,:
- Batiushka, please give a conceptual assessment of the interpretation of Hesychasm, which Father Ioan Meendorf carried out in his last monograph published in Paris during the formation of the Russian diaspora there ...
- Marry a fool! Immediately get married !!!!!

- Today my wife is starting a honeymoon.
- How are you?
- You know, I'm a diabetic.

What representatives of different professions ask their bride about, lying in bed with her on their wedding night.
Orderly: Doesn't it hurt you?
Shoemaker: Do not you shake?
Watchmaker: They were picking themselves or who they gave?

Making the will, the patient asked the lawyer to write down his last
desire: to bury him with his car. And however much the lawyer and the wife of the patient tried to dissuade him, he stood his ground.
“The thing is,” he finally admitted, “that so far there has not been a single pit from which I would not have gotten on my Ford.”

The girl drives her battered car to the workshop.
- What happened? - asks the master.
“They hit me great,” she says.
- And how many times? - Specifies the master, having examined the car.

Twenty first century. There are two sad pedestrians on one of the central streets, along which an endless stream of cars rushes.
- How did you manage to go to this side? - asks one.
- I was born here.

Pacific Ocean, sinking liner ...
- Captain, how far is the earth?
- Three kilometers.
- Direction? North West South East?
- Way down!

- Mom, can I stick my fingers in
fan, when they grow back with me?

Ad in the paper:
Looking for a husband! Smoking, drinking,
I think that spouses
must be common interests!

The driver on the tractor with a semi-trailer wants to pass back (and it happens in the city). He is calling a passing boy (Vovochka):
“Hey, boy, I’ll be going back now, and you look and shout when it's enough.”
Begins to move, Little Johnny backs up:
- Come on! Still, come on! Still! Wait! Now, bitch, go see what you've done!

A kindergarten teacher asks:
- Guys, name some very evil beast.
- Wolf ... tiger ... lion ... leopard ...
Little Johnny:
- Crokolev.
- Little Johnny, is there such a beast? - the teacher asks,
- how does he look?
“This is such a beast,” Vovochka answers, “with a lion's head on one side and a crocodile's head on the other.”
- This can not be, - says the teacher, - if he has a head on each side, he will not be able to crap.
“That's why he's so angry.”

Vodka in bottles at 0.33 - demo almost ...
With money in your pocket, you are smart and handsome, and you can even sing.
Care in English is just an ordinary rudeness, raised to the rank of a national tradition.
An elephant consists of a trunk, ears and a hippopotamus.
If the mountain comes to you - save yourself: this is a landslide.
Than to face the truth, it is better to give untruth to the ear.
Lack of wealth is not poverty. Poverty is a thirst for wealth.
I was born in those naive times when the words “fuck” and “blue” meant only what they mean.
Gossip is the only bad habit that does not harm your health!
Caramel is doubly delicious if Schmal has been boiled in it.
If your head hurts, take Guillotine.
The contrasting blonde is the one with a white bang on her forehead and a black pubic.

A warehouse of unsold ammunition was discovered on the territory of military unit 10130, Semizaplatinsk. With the help of sappers, dangerous items were taken out of the city limits and carefully sold out.

- Hello how are you?
- Normally, I was fired from work.
- For what?
- Yes, hell knows, I haven’t been there for half a year ...

If there is no water in the faucet, it means that they drank the Jews, Gas did not come to Europe - it means that I got out a crest ...

Last week the tragedy almost occurred during the repair of burst heating pipes - after four hours of work plumbers unexpectedly ended with the mat.

- Did you fuck your wife before the wedding?
- Not. And you?
- I - yes ... But I did not know that you then marry her ...

Yesterday, my father and mother watched a fashion show - so there the uncles were dressed like those, and the aunts were dressed like fools ...

From life.
He left with his wife for shopping, stayed at home 14-year-old spinoglot ...
Naturally, on the computer. The next day, my friend told:
- I am writing to you in ICQ: “Kolya, is that you?”. And in response: "No, not me. I went out with my mother."

- I see you are fattening! Caviar on the table!
- So after all, BASED!
- So after all a bucket !!!

I was somehow caught as an eater of an American, a German and a Russian ... And I ate everybody!
He was very hungry, it wasn’t much talk ...