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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Yes, there used to be times! A condom cost 3 kopecks, a jam pie 5 kopecks: Well, how could you walk for 8 kopecks!
Tablets "Anti-policeman". Just two pills - and the village is free!
It turns out that the snowman’s nose is longer, the more vitamins in it.
It turns out that the Christmas trees are trying to look as bad as possible before the New Year.
They say Santa Clauses, so as not to get sick, wipe themselves with snow women in the morning.
Having drunk, I am always kind ...
Therefore, I have never been seen evil.
And if Ukraine allows the import of American legs, will it be possible to withdraw troops from Iraq?
Shoeing a flea is very Russian: very delicate and absolutely useless work.
Girls: if a new relationship scares you, you are afraid to experience a disappointment in feelings, if you are not able to trust a man - first have sex.
Boris Moiseev nevertheless became a singer, although, it seemed, nothing prevented him from remaining a good dancer.
Many Russians continue to bury their savings in rubles.
The Association of University Teachers has achieved a double increase in salary ... from now on, students pass the session 4 times a year.

- Boys! How expensive everything is in Minsk! Matches on hand sell, boxes of 10 bucks!
Two grenade launchers are talking: - Will you make an elephant out of a "fly"? - Easy!
She: - Well, where is your money ?! You wrote that "mat. Is provided" !!! He: - Fuck! What else money in a pussy, stsuka? Fuck you !!!
What do married women do in the morning with their ass? They smear her a sandwich and send her to work!
“Honey, every time you give me a handkerchief.” What do you have: no fantasy or no money? - And what do they give something snotty?
As it became known, there are two buttons on the nuclear case. One button is Yes. And the second "Oh - no, damn it! Well, yoklmn!".
Ad. The express method of learning French by landing in Marseille without money, food or documents ...
There is a gangbang ... Two men are staring at a woman standing with cancer - she gives a blowjob to one, the second fucks her in the ass. The first one says: - Something is not rushing me - let's change! Second: - No problem - change ...
- What is a "live beer"? - This is a beer that lives in the body with its own life: it walks, wanders, decides where to go ...
“Why are so many blacks moving to Detroit?” - They heard that there is no work ...
- Yesterday I found drugs in my son’s portfolio. Ten years old kid, but he is already dragging from home!
The time has come for exams ... Young people reached out to church ...
Yesterday in Lefortovo prison there was a meeting of graduates.
Ilya Muromets drove out into the open field, he saw that there were three roads in front of him ... Ilyushenka became thoughtful, twisted 100 bucks into a tube - and sniffed all three.
At the pharmacy: - To me, please, two packs of condoms and Fastum-gel ... - Who are you going to fuck like that ?!
On September 1, across Ukraine, thousands of first-graders sat at their desks on charges of illiteracy.
- Girl, how are you doing today? - Now I’ll look at the calendar ...
Task: to prepare 1 liter of tomato juice is 3 kg of tomatoes. Question: Why didn’t anyone eat these tomatoes?
“I bought some new popcorn yesterday.” - So how? - He didn’t fly further than the toilet.
A woman on the track broke a car. Opening the hood, she looked at the engine for a long time. And she wondered what she should cook for dinner today.
In Liechtenstein, a football tournament was held among domestic teams. The winner received the right to play with the Russian team.
- How to solve problems? - First, use the Gingerbread Method ... You are trying to agree. - And if it doesn’t help? - Then try the Knut method. You explain it by force! “Well, if that doesn't help either ?!” - Remains the method of Ostrich ... - How is it? - Hide your head and put your ass out!
“Don't eat me, bear.” I was aground by the gouges, scrubbed through the barns - shorter than dust, dirt, glass, gobies.
- Vladimir Vladimirovich - again they write about you that you are walking on corpses! - Glebka, these are naive people ... They don’t even understand that I’m walking not over corpses, but directly over biomass!
Theater. There is a play. The hall is dark and deathly silence, only the actors are playing ... And then from the front row there is a cry: “Doctor, is there a doctor in the hall ?!” From the mezzanine they answer: - Yes, I'm a doctor! - Colleague - what the fuck are they showing us ?!
A student studying Russian language came to Russia to improve. After returning, the Russian teacher told him: - Well, I see that you have learned a lot of new words. But some of you are using it wrong. - And why not so, in kind? - Here, for example, the names of the fingers ... List! - Elementary. Big, index, joke ... - Wrong. This finger is called the middle one. - That's how? And I have one chick, when we sat in the cinema with her, she says - it seems to me that your joke has gone too far ...
The wedding night. It turns out that the young has already lost her innocence. Husband sits sad, then asks: - But what, you really did not want to marry a girl? “Of course I wanted, dear ... I really tried, I tried - but at eleven, they don’t register.
Vnukov dialed the phone number and shouted into the receiver: - Hello, grandfather! Hello! Yes it's me! How do you feel? The pressure is low. How many shows? This weather is changing ... Joints ache and combat scars hurt? Surely, there will be heavy rain tomorrow ... Still shooting in the ear? To a thunderstorm it is ... The nose itches to a cold snap. How many times did he sneeze? Five times in a row! Well, that means that the heat will drop by five degrees ... Well, grandfather, goodbye ... Bye, I say! Once ... The commercial break is ending ... Yes ... Yes ... Of course, I'll call you again from work tomorrow. At the same time ... I kiss you too. Be healthy! Vnukov hung up and said to the director of the radio station: “Have you heard?” When the advertisement is over, broadcast the weather forecast ...
A drunk man enters the hairdresser and asks the master: - How much does it cost to have a haircut? - 240 rubles. - I do not understand - but without a blow job?
Night, wind, severe cold, a man is walking along the road and he wants to shit so much that he is about to get around ... Suddenly he sees a bar, runs into it - and then there is people, music, someone dancing, and a staircase to the second floor. Well, a man flies through it with a bullet - and there is an empty room and a hole in the middle ... Well - what to do? A man stumbled, stumbled - and crawled there powerfully. Uffff ... contented, relaxed, coming down, thinking - I’ll miss a glass ... And THERE - EMPTY !!! Man, in surprise: - And where did everyone go ?! A voice from behind the bar: - And where were you when the shit got into the fan? ..
- What kind of people are coming with us? - asks a foreigner in a crowded bus. - These are the masters of the country! - And who drove this? - He points to the “seagull” that passed them. - And these are the servants of the people!
- Where is the border between communism and developed socialism, as well as between developed socialism and just socialism? - The first is the Kremlin wall, the second is the Moscow ring road.
Soviet working delegation in America. - Whose plant is it? - Ford. - And whose cars are these? - Workers. American working delegation in the USSR. - Whose plant is it? - It belongs to the workers. - Whose car is it worth? - Director of the plant.
good doctor Aibolit he is sitting under a tree. come to him for treatment and a cow and a pretty one also come))
- A little girl asks her mother: - And when I go out, will I be so much like you? - Yes, Dona. - And then zats zyat ...
A girl sits in a sandbox and a teddy bear vomits. Man comes up: - Girl, don’t you like animals? - Yes, you know, uncle, I and people are not really ...
- Why are married men getting fat? - The bachelor comes home in the evening, looks in the refrigerator, sees what is in there and goes to bed with grief. And the married man comes home in the evening, looks in the bed, sees what he has there and goes with grief to the refrigerator.
Three friends are talking ... “I hired my wife the most fashionable massage therapist, he only massages her for two thousand dollars a month,” says one. - I hired my wife a bodyguard - the world champion in karate, says the second - And I ... I have little money so I fuck my wife myself, - says the third
-I want to get your rubber woman back. “Didn't you like her?” - I liked it .... - Is she ugly? - Beautiful ..... - And why then return? - Does not give......
An Englishwoman, a Frenchwoman, and a Russian are discussing what a male member looks like. Englishwoman: - I think that the member looks like a gentleman - at the sight of a lady stands up. Frenchwoman: - And in my opinion he looks like gossip - he passes from mouth to mouth. Russian: - No, it looks like a rocket - it slowly rises, rises, rises ... and went to the pZdu!
The Chukchi arrived in Moscow, but without a wife it’s boring - he decided to rent a woman. Went to the hotel, took off. They had sex, the Chukchi takes out a bag and dumps gold nuggets, trinkets from it ... The woman has eyes on her forehead, thinks: "If he pays that kind of money at one time, then what will he dump for the second?" Asks the Chukchi: "Do you want more?" Chukchi says "I want to!". They also had sex, the woman looks - Chukchi stuffs everything back into the bag. She asks: "Man, how are you going to pay?" And the Chukchi answers: "However, mine wants - mine pays, yours wants - yours pays."
A girl and a boy are playing in the yard ... Boy: - and I have a machine over there ... Girl: - and I have one ... Boy: - and I have a ball over there ... Girl: - and I have one ... Boy (thoughtful and suddenly enlightened by his face): - but I have what it is ... A girl in tears runs away home to complain to her mother
The union of Belarus and Russia is similar to the Tatu union.
It seems they love each other, but there is no future!
I recognize every person's right to do everything that is not harmful to me.
A decent fisherman will meet a very decent fisherman for mutual pleasure so as not to catch anything.
I, too, in my youth pulled nails with my ass!
A mistakenly dialed phone number is never busy ...
But to the Ministry of Culture - try to get through!
Guests are divided into two types: some try to leave home early, while others stay longer. As a rule, representatives of both types are married to each other.
January 13 is the day of the last exam for the New Year's Eve for all those who failed at the previous ones.
Announcement: In the boiler room urgently needed descending programmer.
The reason follows the consequence - this is when the doctor goes after the patient’s coffin.
Kalashnikov assault rifle ...
Large, convenient store.
Tragedy! At the concert of Nadezhda Babkina, two people fell under a round dance!
In Russian there is a wonderful three-letter word ...
And it means no, but it is written and pronounced in a completely different way.
Women! While your child is trying to persuade the Christmas tree to light up - make sure that your husband does not persuade the Snow Maiden herself!
Stay with us! This is about money!
... Children under the age of five go to the circus in their arms.
A question for connoisseurs: if you cook a mermaid, what kind of broth is obtained - fish or meat?
Moses for forty years led Jews to the occupied Palestinian territories ...
Yesterday I was alarmed by the appearance of the “Just Straight” sign at the entrance to the cemetery.
Winter. Estonian first graders rush to the first call in their life ... The guys are late ... But don’t worry, the call is late too!
- Can you imagine the progress made .. - What are you doing? - Previously, to cause rain, the shaman beat a tambourine or sacrificed virgins ... - And now? - Enough to wash the car ...
One friend says to another: - Yesterday my stomach twisted so much that I didn’t even go to work. - What stomach upset? - Got upset?! That is to say the least. Apparently, he just had a tantrum ...
“Girl, what are you doing?” - I study in vocational schools, in graduate school ....
A young pirate comes to Captain Flint and says: “Captain, they threw a blue mark to me ... I know that a black mark means that they will kill me soon, but what blue means - I don’t know!” “Nothing good, either,” Flint said.
From life. Gypsum plant. According to the technology, at one of the stages of production, detergent was used as a foaming agent. In order not to be dragged away, red paint was added to it. And here is the picture: you walk through the village - and PINK clothes are dried everywhere ...
Petrov for three days as a doctor. Ivanov has been sick for twenty years. What will win - youth or experience?
- Hi! How are you? Let's get acquainted. My name is Vadik ... - Vadik, son - when will you give up drinking !!!
New mobile game "Antilochotron". Aren't you tired of these scams? Send the message "bad" to the number 7745. The more messages - the better you are not a goof! Hurry up !!
Waiting for a meeting, I'm sitting on a bench. Next to me is a girl with a completely sad and thoughtful face. The young people passing by, apparently, decided to get to know each other: - Deyeyevushka! You probably have never been more beautiful in your life than today! .. The girl, without raising her eyes, says thoughtfully and sadly: - Yes, and menstruation before this day was regular ...
- How are the Americanos astronauts different from our astronauts? - Our soared, and work. And theirs after take-off crawls out into space, looks where the wing is dented, where the headlight is broken ... And then before the end of the flight they think about how to return to Earth.
Good advice to pretty girls. If you suddenly didn’t have a cocktail dress to go out to the high-profile event - it doesn’t matter. Take the usual - and pour a cocktail on it.
To the statement that the fucked person is "multidimеntalоnаlаtе оf reаlitу, rossiblу беaring and heavu negativе connotаtion" - none of the Russian-speaking listeners present in the hall even objected ...
The Ukrainian girl found a scarlet flower and whispers to him: - Fly, fly, petal, through west to east, through north, through south, return, making a circle, only you touch the ground, WRIGHT LYND!
A Cossack comes to the shop of little things and is looking for something. Grandfather comes out and asks: - What do you, dear? - Well, the mice are wound up ... Grandfather gives a pipe and a mouse figure. - You’ll play the pipe, and you will throw the mouse into the sea - and the mice are gone. The next day, the Cossack comes running all disheveled. Grandpa comes out. - What didn’t help? - No, I want to buy a Chechen figure !!!
"Niasilil", "rzhunimaga", "to Bobruisk!" - normal, like, comments .... Yes - but these are the reviews of professors on my candidate!
The wife fills out an autobiography for a job and asks her husband lying on the couch: - And indicate the place of birth? - Yeah, you still draw it ...
The nightmare of the system administrator. Yesterday I had a dream: I took a girl on the street, brought me, laid me down and see - I have RJ45, and she has a coaxial. And no adapter!
- Girl, you are charmingly charming! Looking at you, I want to write poetry! - What! Muse, shit!
According to the data of the sociological agency “A couple of questions” - if you include “fuck you” as one of the answer options, then the majority of respondents (more than 80%) are inclined to this option ...
No programmer appears at work on Thursday. The boss asks him: “Where have you been these three days ?!” - Yes, we had some fun with the boys over the weekend ... - What, again they took vodka and went to the girls? !! - No, they took the little hens and went into the forest ... - This is for the weekend ... And I ask you, where have you been these three days? !!!! - So it ... Chicken flu cured ...
- Excuse me, where is your husband working? - In the crematorium ... - And what is he doing there? - JUST!
- Young man - how can it be that you sold your kidneys, liver, bone marrow, two liters of blood, 55% of the skin and the right eye for transplantation ... How will you live now? !! - What? Ten bucks is not superfluous ...
An acquaintance of the doctor said ... It was still at the dawn of my medical practice. I make a round, I see: a little girl, about five or six years old, says: - But Ivanov spoke abusive words when he was awakened! In my youth, I’m still naive, I am interested in: - And which ones? - Go smell it! A kid is sitting next to a windowsill and, lazily picking his nose, remarks: - Yes, not "smell" - but "fuck"!
Cute blonde 90-60-90, lips with a bow, big blue eyes, height 175, will sell the driveshaft from Lada
- Tell me please, what time is it? “Ten to ten.” - Ten to what? - Fuck knows, the little arrow fell off.
- Girl, please tell me, what time is it? - One hour, fifty $.
A sexy girl of three years old will invite a wealthy man no older than five years. Have toys.
A man runs along the platform behind the departing train ... Some shout to him: - Previously, it was necessary to come to the station! - Earlier, earlier ... For the second day I’m running ...
Vasya comes home and sees his wife in bed with a plumber - and immediately begins to be indignant: - This can not be! Aren `t you ashamed! We have such large debts everywhere - in a butcher's shop, for a telephone, in a beer department, for electricity - and you start paying with a plumber!
Take the children and shuruy to the beach - this is the order I received at about 10-00. “So I bought two sunblock creams, for children in a green tube, and you in orange,” my wife said and handed me the bedding, “Take creams in the bathroom.” Oh, the beach, the beach. I didn’t know that bras for swimsuits are no longer being released. I understand that they just sell panties, and everyone walks along the beach in them. And here, at the sight of the first three boobs, a thought crept into my easily excitable head: “But will my root stand, and if it does, what will I do?” Having received from a small machine in the crotch, I calmed down, with such jokes, when the bumper and the balls, figs I get up. This is class, sun, water and boobs. Again boobs, boobs everywhere. The children were thickly smeared with green tube cream. I rubbed my pale white body with cream from an orange tube. Tits ... everywhere boobs. And here, my body said: - In short, enough to endure, and sharply, by the mighty lifted my penis, towards the sun. The reaction was immediate, I abruptly rolled over on my stomach. “Dad, can you show the dolphin?” The fellow asked cunningly. At the moment, I could only show an elephant with a log stuck in its trunk. About five meters from me, a wonderful creature landed. Just don’t take off your bra, this is the only thing I prayed from her. The size of 3 or 3.5 with papillae upturned appeared to my eye. At that moment, it even seemed to me that my body was not touching the litter. “Ilya, can you dig a hole near the bedding,” very carefully, I asked the small man. He really liked this idea, and he joyfully began digging a hole for dad. When the hole was ready, I changed my dislocation in a Plastunian way. How nice to lower your dick into a cool hole. I was lying ass in the sun, with a member in the hole, and the children frolic around the water. Everything would be fine, but there was only one problem, the member didn’t want to come to a state of calm. In addition, I wanted to use the toilet. The sun was so hot that my back warmed to a boiling point. I asked the small one very thickly to grease me, from behind, with a cream that will protect me from the scorching rays of the sun. I lay and understood that I simply could not continue for so long, I had to radically change something. And a brilliant plan, well, it seemed to me then, arose in my overheated head. Before the water there were no more than 5-7 meters, it was necessary to dig everything into everything, dig a trench into the water, well, there my salvation. In my ear, in a conspiratorial tone, I told my plan to my fellow, well, like, let's dig a trench, through it the water will go into the hole and there we will have a pool. Small somehow looked at me strangely, and issued a condition, either I am telling the whole story of my bold plan, or he will take his shovel and go to his sister, leaving me with a member in the hole. I had to outline, in general, devote a small member to the physiology of the structure of the penis, as well as literally thesis explain the effect of third-size boobs on increasing the pressure in the appendix, called the pussy. Maly listened very carefully to me, and saying that he had the same garbage in the morning, with a great understanding of my problem, he began to dig a trench from me to the water. I was lying with a member in the hole and was quietly looking at the third-size boobs. Here it is, here it is a moment of salvation, the trench is ready, I just have to crawl into the water. As you yourself understand, I simply could not crawl to the water, and so I offered my son a game, like he was shooting at me, and I was wounded crawling to the water, where he would kill me. To which the small one is quite reasonable, he asked: - And what about all the wounded, a drink in this condition? I lied to my son, nodding my head in the affirmative. I crawled, slowly, because I'm wounded. A member occasionally touched the bottom of the trench, clung to some roots. Small fired at me from a shovel and threw grains of sand at me. “But nothing, just to crawl to the water, there is my salvation,” I thought, slowly approaching the coveted reservoir. “Could you open a beer for me?” Sounded over my ear. I turned my head slightly, third-size boobs looked at me point blank. Member touched the bottom of the trench. Small stopped shooting. This is class, I’m an idiot crawling on the sand with a standing member in a trench, but they unobtrusively ask me to open a beer. Trying not to lose my temper, I said that now I would plunge slightly and help. Fine creature pouted lips. And here, my little one understood that the folder needed help, and he very loudly and distinctly said: - Auntie, my folder now has a very large pussy, I even dug a trench for it for the pussy to the very water, he now crawls to the water and then will help you. People in a radius of about ten meters somehow strangely subsided. I, just silently clenching my teeth, crawled to the water. After, of course, I helped third-size boobs with beer. The worst thing was waiting for me upon arrival home. The legs at the back and back were crimson red. To which my wife said that I was a complete brake, and instead of a protective cream, I took an ordinary moisturizer and smeared it very abundantly on the beach.
Moldavian travel agency "StukaTur" apiece to anywhere in the world
The Great Patriotic War. The Germans capture a deaf Russian village, lined everyone up and the commander says: “We will shoot all the men ... but women have the opportunity to save their husbands.” We will line up the men in a row, take off their pants, blindfold you, and you x * y must determine who your husband is! Nothing to do, the women nodded in agreement. They built men, pulled down their pants, the first one went. - So this one is not mine, this is not mine, this is not mine, oh here it is mine! Next: - This one is not mine, this one is not mine, oh here it is mine! So a few women passed, the commander thinks: "No, it won’t work, we won’t shoot anyone!" They decided to put several German soldiers between the Russians. Put. The next one went: - So, this one is not mine, this one is not mine, this one is not mine, this one is not from our village at all ...
“Do you know why, during a thunderstorm, blondes stand by the window?” - ...? “They think they are taking pictures!”
They say that an experimental smart elevator has been built. Every time you make a trip in it, in a pleasant female voice he says everything that is written on the walls.
Mike Tyson tells Cinderella: - And after the 12th blow, your head will turn into a pumpkin.
"The watch has 8 hands. Four of them show time, the rest are spare in order to confuse a potential enemy. There is a special hand for the time" h ". The hands are coated with a special composition, due to which they glow in the dark and serve to blind the enemy. Dose the radiation is sufficient for radiation damage within a radius of 200 meters. For simplicity, the angle between the hour and minute hands is always equal to the straight line. All watch gears are made of the most modern transistors and microcircuits. the best Western technologies: explosion welding, gas riveting, sober assembly. The gold-plated watch case is galvanized with tungsten. The watch is commanded half-turn, in the northern regions of the country a special handle for the factory is attached to it in the cold. If sand gets inside the watch, it starts to work In a combat situation, the slow-motion clock automatically starts and the clock starts to tick, and at a critical moment the commander can throw them towards the enemy. At the same time, the built-in speaker beeps in a commander's voice: "Follow me! Attack!" In the darkness, the watch whispers in a whisper: "Do not be afraid, I'm with you!". Buy a watch commander! It will be the most pleasant hours in your life! "
The sailor’s husband swims away, leaves the parrot and says: Here’s the parrot, he’s smart, he sees everything and knows how to speak. And left. A lover comes to his wife, it comes to piquancy and the lover proposes to take the parrot to the kitchen. Wife: Why are you saying that the husband will return, he will tell him, he will understand everything. Lover: Well, let's cut his tongue so that he is silent. Wife: Are you sure my husband will understand everything for sure. Time dragged on and I wanted more and more. Then the Lover suggested: And let's just cover it with a towel. The wife answered well. But just let us have extreme sex. How is it? Asked the lover. And you climb on the chandelier, swing, and when I am ready to give a signal, you will jump. Good!!! But here is a voice from under the towel: You better cut off my tongue, but I must see that.
“Ichthyander, what’s this on your chain hanging around your neck?” - The plug from the Titanic ...
- Mom, I do not like my little brother! - Be silent and eat what they give!
- Mommy, Mummy, but can I also wear a bra, because I’m already 14 years old !!! - Shut up, son.
The story of a military doctor Medical examination at admission to a military school. Cadets, one naked, appear before the commission. Followed by questions, and instructions - raise your hands, stand on your toes, etc. .. and in the end, a request to the next young man - raise a member. It means - raise your hand to make sure that there are serviceable organs necessary for the future officer. The young man clenches his fists and glares at his dignity with a brutal expression on his face and screams like a weightlifter when lifting the barbell ... The whole commission - with one voice - It’s good !!!
River. On one bank, a bear eats raspberries. On another hare stands watching - saliva flows, enviably. The hare does not stand up and begins to yell hysterically: - Misha !!! Misha !!! Mi-ish. The bear throws everything, throws itself into the water, swims with all its might, swims with difficulty, barely climbs ashore all in mud, catch his breath, asks: - Shaw oblique happened? The hare squinted and points to the opposite bank: “Look at the raspberries on that bank.”
Plastic surgery. Breast augmentation by 100% (up to 4 pcs).
Announcement: “The mother-in-law was gone. I went for a beer and did not return. The finder, please return the beer. "
Fear is GREATLY POINT. Sign of the people: The heart-rending screams from the dark gateway will increase if you enter it. Showbiz Law: The worse the singer’s voice is, the less clothes she’s wearing. The ostrich doesn’t have a headache ... His butt hurts. In the lower Volga was found a boy raised by cancer. Turn off the light! We will get to know each other. How to reduce exactions from the police? We must create another militia! Then, due to competition, prices will inevitably collapse !!! ... sometimes you wake up in the president’s chair, sit and cry, you don’t know how you got here ... Today, a report on the topic "The revolution opened my eyes" will be read on Independence Square. Speaker Viy. During sex, my boyfriend looks like Schumacher, and I like Barichello: no matter what I do, he always comes to the finish line first. If you feel that everything is there, but something is missing, then this is a non-alcoholic beer.
Roman Viktyuk staged three plays at once: “Thunderstorm”, “Three Sisters” and “Cherry Orchard” - three women stupidly steal cherries in a thunderstorm.
- The elastic is in your underwear, and this is an eraser ...
“No, I won’t tell you whom you remind me of, pigs like that!”
- She's a groovy girl! I even picked up a key ...
- Societe Generale? - Not a mess!
On the Svetly Put collective farm, hens refuse to lay eggs, motivating this by saying that only yesterday they already wore cement and bricks ...
- The management of SurgutGazprom allocated two gas fields for the development of football in the city ... And there are already results! We are present at the match Spartak, Moscow - Gazovik, Surgut. We will not judge “Gazovik” strictly, the team is young, still unplayed ... Here is “Gazovik” in the attack! Ronaldo, pass to Rivaldo, Roberto Carlos, go-o-ol !!!
- Crossword. American president. Three letters in the middle of the "y". - Can not be! - Maybe even how it can!
- Do you have such a scary girl? - I was late, and they slipped me a penalty!
A doping test of a Colombian marathon runner revealed that he was not a marathon runner, but a drug courier.
One blonde asks another: - What are you dreaming of? - I dream that one day I will meet a fairy who will give me one hundred thousand dollars ... - And why not a million? - Well, a million is unrealistic ...
Pope Benedict XVI delivered a sermon in the synagogue ... In the history of Christianity, this is the second visit to the head of the Roman Catholic church of the Jewish prayer house AND THE FIRST FOR THE WHOLE HISTORY OF THE HITERLIEGEN !!!
- Girl, can I meet you? Or is your heart already taken? - Yes, busy! But while the liver, stomach and large intestine are free.
- ... So that tomorrow in the diary the signature would be obscene!
- Aramis, my wife started having her period. “I will delay them, nothing!”
The clinic requires an experienced proctologist to get an inexperienced ...
The official appeal of all movie fans of the world to the citizens of America! Please follow the rules of visiting the cinema and do not get up while watching, shit ... We then watch !!!
Once, Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Pierre Bezukhov gathered for fishing ... They are sitting, the sun is baking, the birds are singing - but they are not biting. And so, and this way - I do not bite ... - Pierre, say "Yes!" - says Rzhevsky. - What for? - one is surprised. “And for the process of initiating psychomotor rhetoric ...” says Rzhevsky thoughtfully ...
- Honey, let's go look at the stars ... - I won’t go to the stars without a condom!
The daughter comes to her father: - Dad, I need your help ... - Yeah! Let me guess, he said that he loves you, then he fucked like a whore and left? - Mmm ... no .. I'm still in third grade ... help me do the math ...
A man after a strong booze wakes up, looks under a blanket, and someone is fingering him there. A man is looking, he is looking ... Suddenly he shone: - They remember the pens, they are omni!
- Do you want to show the trick? - Then you will educate yourself!
The company sits, drinks ... Everyone has fun, everyone is fine ... Then one remarks: - Damn, the vodka is over ... The girls looked at each other anxiously ...
Two artists are talking: - I know one beautiful place. Let's take an easel, brushes, paints, a palette ... - Let's get two liters better!
- Dad, I want an earring in my ear. - Well, get up, son - who doesn’t allow you ?! - Dad, Seryozha doesn’t allow me ...
“Mom, why does my birthday never fall on Friday, the thirteenth?” “Because you were born on the twenty-eighth of June, you idiot!”
- Znayka, tell me - and “half an hour” and “passed” is a rhyme? - No, Dunno - not a rhyme! - But you dick! Listen: "Before departure, half an hour, registration has passed ...".
Ahhh-A, crocodiles, hippos. Ahhh-A, monkeys, sperm whales. Ahhh-A, and the Bobruisk beavers ...
- Maybe someone knows how to get a ballpoint pen? “Where did you bring her?”
- There goes Ninka! Cool! - Yes ... carbon frame, rear shock, 27 speeds ...
- Daughter, how did you meet Pasha? - I’ll check tomorrow in history - but, either from the words “Hello, how are you?”, Or from the words “Do you swallow?”.
A husband and a pregnant wife came to see a gynecologist. He remains to wait under the office. It turns out that after taking it, there is no husband. Searched, searched, finally finds him under the clinic, nervously smoking. - Why are you running away? - Yes, I sat there waiting for you under the office, looked at everyone and thought: whom only they do not fuck! ...
From life. Once upon a time there lived a man in one village. A man was prosperous by local standards - he had his own car. True, Muscovite-401, but nonetheless. A Muscovite-401 with its 26 forces requires a constant and vigorous action on the gas pedal, so that he at least somehow rode. A man constantly wound up in the district center and came up with rationalization. He unhooked the cable from the parking brake and brought an additional gas cable to it. The stronger the handbrake pulled out, the faster the car rode. At some point, the man stole this car. The loss was discovered the next day stuck in a tree. The interrogator established that the car had brakes and the hijacker DERNUL RUCH NICK !!! The peasant was not so sorry for the car as he wanted to see the face of that bastard when he pulled the handbrake.