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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Men's cologne "Corpse of the enemy."
Tagline: "It smells good."
Mytishchi District Court has banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.
Caressing his wife before intercourse, still try to think about something nice.
... a children's ice cream parlor "Snow White Licks".
In our family, only a mobile phone is charged in the morning ...
A new site with predictions of the future has opened: [http: //www.Рizdets.ru] WWW.Рizdеts.ru
More and more women today trust the Haggiz diapers.
Because they don’t trust Tampax swabs anymore ...
Santa Claus comes to a good Internet on New Year, and Santa Line comes to a bad Internet.
Mom wanted a boy, and dad a girl - that's how they met ...
Sasha moved the train. But his joy would be incomplete if not for the one he met!
There was a new light reading for the night - "Kama Sutra Light": read, dream, and fell asleep!
A homeless pickpocket appeared in Kazan. He gets into your pocket and sleeps there.
A drunk woman is easy prey, but a heavy burden ...

- Director - you goat! Incompetent incompetent! - Mr. Chairman of the Board of Directors, I will correct myself ...
- We have been in the market for 10 years! ... We can’t sell the product in any way!
She pesters him: - Well, tell me, what's there? Well, show me? Well, at least the edge! ............ - Okay! Can you keep a secret? - Yes! - I, too!
- Agreed - if I said, we go to mom, then we go to mom, if in the movie, then in the movie? - No, dear ... - Well, if I said, we’re going to mom, then we go to the movies, if I said to the movies, then to mom.
In the store I heard: - I have a kilogram of a liter.
Science news. The other day, scientists discovered the Ohuetzkoatl temple - the God of wonder among the ancient Incas.
- Michurin - is it true that hemp is grown directly in pots? - It's not true - I grow it directly in cigarettes ...
- You heard that they can drink from the Dnieper in Ukraine! - You think! We can eat from the Rhine!
Eyes and hands said yes, the stomach did not. The table has become in the way of conflict.
Participants in the G8 summit decided to provide all possible assistance to African countries and agreed to eat more bananas.
- And let's go to war on Moldavians? - This is pointless, they are building faster than we will destroy ... - Then, let's go to war with the Chinese? - It makes no sense - they multiply faster than we will destroy them ... - Then we will go to war on stupid Americans! - Mr. President - we are stupid Americans ...
The wife calls her husband on the cell phone, he answers her that he is far away - roaming, i.e. talk expensive. The wife replied: - It’s a pity that you can’t talk ... then listen!
My wife bought a dog clipper ... Only her husband didn’t bite. On it and trained ...
“Tomorrow we're going camping.” - And take warm things? - Yes, take six bottles!
Potency problems? Ejaculation? No problem! Our highly qualified specialists will fuck and finish for you !!!
- Do not have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends! - You better have all the enemies ...
- Many women complain that they feel uncomfortable in bed ... - I don’t know! And in my bed everything is fine !. Bed sheet, pillowcase, duvet cover ...
- Listen, Tanya. Yesterday I met such a man: tall, nose with a hump! - And the eyes, the hairstyle, beautiful? - I don’t know - it’s not very visible behind the hump ...
Volkov twisted the plot of “The Wizard of the Emerald City” a bit, in fact - Elli first got to the poppy field, and only then met a talking lion, a living scarecrow and an lumberjack ...
- And this monument to the hussar girl who opens champagne. Cork in the mouth symbolizes innocence.
- Little Red Riding Hood, where are you going? - I go to my grandmother and carry sclerosis. - And let me try ... Tasty! And where are you going?
- Vadik ?! - Yes. - I'm sorry, of course! - What is it, Kiryusha? “But I slept with your girlfriend.” - Who? !! You?!! Heh, that's what she needs !!!
- Grandfather, how many apples are there in your beloved? - Granddaughter, there are no apples in Klinsky!
- Why are you so sad? - Aunt, Asya "arrived."
- Tell me, my friend - I’m not a "father", but my father! - Tell me, father ...
In Prague, over the entrance to some entertainment venues flaunts the inscription - "Girls for free." Imagine breaking off Russian-speaking males when they find out what it means only that the girls do not pay the entrance fee!
From life. Notarial office. The notary certifies the translation of the documents of the Cypriot (charming as Apollo) for the Russian registry office, where he wishes to combine marriage with our compatriot. At the end, the notary, as expected, reads out the certified document aloud: - Kostas Hrinapulos Pupisdonis .... Bride: - What is his surname ?! The poor thing already, it turns out, signed in the registry office, which takes the name of her future husband ...
Street, talking on a cell phone: - (very loud) You are a bitch, you fucking - when will you return the grandmother ?! I’ll chop you a dime for the dimes, if right now I won’t bring babos! (more tender) By the way, on the occasion of you, Olezh - Christ has risen!
The Scandinavian dragrakar is at sea - a storm, the ship wears like nutshells, the soldiers are slowly preparing for their death ... Then the clouds open and Odin's voice is heard: “Vikings,” the deity speaks loudly, “do you believe in me ?!” Vikings: - One! Believe it! Believe it! One: - Well, then put on your armor! The Vikings quickly dress whoever can. One: - Vikings, my children - do you believe in me ?! Vikings: - We believe the great One! Believe it! One: - Well, then take your weapon! And jump overboard! The Vikings grabbed all the weapons and jumped overboard ... Then again, next to the first gleam, the clouds open and another loud voice says: - Loki - well, fuck it, eh ?!
Where are you looking? !!! Where are you looking? !!! Stop then watch !!!
Drive around the park on the right. Right, I said !!! On right!!! Okay, go around on the left. Left!!!! Well, the park did not submit to us today ...
Handbrake again forgot to lower !!! One more time you will not lower it - it will not rise again !!! (drove for about a kilometer)
Who are we missing? !!! Who are we missing? !!! We don’t miss anyone !!! Come on, come on!
That he should have given way to us !!! Come on, shy away in his direction lightly, let him know how to shy away!
Turn right! We’ll go through another circle ... I haven’t considered one woman. Do not drive like that, she won’t reach the metro, she won’t have time ...
Let's go, green already !!! Let's go ... Neutral, ignition ... Let's move! He’s yelling at you, by the way ...
No one has ever broken this thing before you, you are the first ...
What kind of clown is this ?! What is he standing here? !!! Found where to stand!
Drive him !!! What does a car without a driver mean ??? Of course, without a driver !!! While you drove him, he had already left a long time !!!
(passing a minor accident) That's it, here it is, your death! So you’ll kill yourself! Remember this picture! (3 times)
What sign have passed? No, no stop is forbidden ... No, no restriction ... No, no turn is prohibited ... Which? I already forgot which ...
Where did you go? And why?!!! Come out! Come out, I tell you! Where did you go ??? Call back !!! All late! Arrived !!! Start up ...

Stirlitz was lying on the floor disguised as a cigarette butt.
During the war, Stirlitz furtively fed Berlin children. From the shade, the children swelled and died.
Bursting into the office where the meeting was going on, Stirlitz pulled out his gun and everyone fell to death.
Hunting without a drink is like fishing without a booze!
Previously, people blamed everything inexplicable on otherworldly forces, now - on Photoshop.
If you separate flies from cutlets in the dining room, then there will be practically nothing to eat.
Love is when you give, sex is when you take.
Ukrainian scientists have discovered a new drug - the priest. Absolutely everyone is sitting on it!
I think that soon our native Duma will adopt a law on the replacement of education and healthcare with preferential payments ...
The old tariff is female: all incoming and outgoing for free, you only need to marry her.
And everyone is buying something ... Who is the car, who is the house by the sea ...
For bread or something to go? ..
I am a gullible, but hard-to-remember person.
Financial trouble is when Visa sends you the Master Card application form.
While geniuses, rejoicing like children, rested in nature, nature joylessly rested on their children.
The bride at the wedding was a worse appetizer.

- What is the peculiarity of the split personality in programmers? - There may be many subpersonalities, but one of them - necessarily - the admin!
- Dad, pour some more juice! - You burst, baby! - Dad! I double the GDP!
Solving problems in Russian: - It would be nice, but ... - And why not! - And he fucked up!
- Girl, do not tell me what time it is? - Young man - Why do you need it, you yourself have a watch ... - Girl, what do you not understand? I want to meet you ... - Ahh! I see, well then ... (and so flirtatiously) ... six twenty ...
My mother-in-law loves to watch TV. I buried it. I'm waiting ...
I come home in the evening. Mother-in-law sits in an armchair and strokes his rottweiler. When he sees me, he points a finger at me and says to the dog:
- Honey, I have a piquant request for you. Could you strip naked? - To the goal? And whose gate?
Do you want to come off with cool chicks in full? The cowshed of state farm number 8 is waiting for you!
“My dear, my friends say that my mustache is growing, tell me, is that not true?” - Of course, my pussy.
- And in our apartment there is gas. And you? - And we will light your candle! Yes, I'm joking!
Julia Savicheva took on Eurovision! Now you have to give back the debt!
... and this is for tea, ”he told the waiter, and put a piece of sugar in his palm.
- In vain you are so with him ... Do you know whose son it is? .. Your ...
- Now look at this unique photo - on it, George W. Bush drops his first child ...
Selling a collection of summons to the army, not extinguished, there are different years.
Scientists have found that the moon is constantly moving away from the earth. If the removal rate was constant, the calculations show that 85 million years ago, the moon’s orbit was ten meters from the Earth ... This explains the disappearance of the dinosaurs! At least large ...
Piercings! Pensioners - discounts!
They planted Michael Jackson ... The convicts rejoiced like children!
An adult woman was walking in the direction of the train station ... Her heart was crying, she didn’t want to leave here, because her daughter and grandchildren live here ... And when she came next time she didn’t know ... A daughter walked alongside and held her arm ... She, too, was sad ... The little granddaughter clung tightly to her grandmother's leg ... He also did not want her to leave ... And around this whole company with a heavy bag, a joyful son-in-law jumped ...
- If he began to take up too much space, there is too much noise from him and you have nowhere to put it ??? - GIVE YOUR SON TO THE ARMY !!!!
- Man, can you imagine ... Fedka has a straight iron member! - What are you ?! - Yes! In the cold I licked - my tongue stuck !!
A man comes to the ophthalmologist: - You know, doctor, my vision has begun to weaken ... - Well, my dear, you need to strengthen the eye muscles! I suggest that you do the following exercise every day for an hour: you can move your eyes up and down, left and right, in any order ... - Daily? By the hour ?! The doctor is very tiring and boring ... - Nothing, I will give you a videotape - it will greatly facilitate this procedure ... - Yes ?! What's so special about her? - Nothing special ... It's just that the run of a naked girl with a big bust is written on it ...
A group of tourists goes through the Ussuri taiga ... Suddenly a tiger jumps out of the thicket. - No panic, the tiger is full! - states the conductor. One of the tourists: - Fuck, I also pissed ...
- Gulchat, open the beer ... - Maybe a little face ?! - Yes, your face only open beer ...
Two female judges are talking. - Listen, are you doing a blowjob to your husband? - Not. - What are you motivating?
Vasya enters the house of his neighbors with a huge bouquet of flowers. - What do you need, Vasya? - the neighbor asks not quite friendly. - You know, Nikolai Petrovich - for 15 years now I love your daughter ... - You, by chance, did not come to claim a pension?
- Honey, this bowling is too expensive for us ... - Why ?! - Yes, there is only "pour drinks on the track" costs 500 rubles! I’m even afraid to imagine how much they will charge for your favorite shot on the monitor ...
- Count it, yesterday my stomach twisted so much that I didn’t even go to work ... - What - my stomach was upset ?! - Got upset?! That is to say the least. Apparently, he just had a tantrum ...
A beginner, seeing a rubber woman at a rescue school, is surprised. “Future rescuers practice artificial respiration on it,” more experienced comrades explain. “Does she really come to life?” - the beginner is surprised. - Doesn’t come to life - but sometimes it’s possible to stir up ...
In a minibus ... - Sorry, my bag doesn’t bother you? - No, it's okay ... - But if it bothers me, tell me, I’ll take it away ... - Well, but in fact everything is fine ... - But it seems to me that it still bothers, because of her, you it’s uncomfortable to sit ... - Yes, there is a little bit ... - Well then, should I take it away? - Well, take it away ... - Where the hell are you - look, you idiot, where am I going to take her? !!
From life. There are two popular animated heroes in Israel: BAC and UZA. Their dolls are sold in every self-respecting Israeli shop. When shopping in a Tel Aviv supermarket, I notice a mother with a boy of about five years old, from among former Russians. She asked in Russian: - Buy you an ultrasound? And take the child and answer: - I and BAM want! .. They pumped me for a long time ...
The worst psychological attack - sailors jumping on zebras on mattresses.
Fashion models got married: a guy and a girl. The wedding night. They lie in bed 10, 20 ...., 40 minutes. Then the guy doesn’t stand it and says: “I didn’t even understand if someone will fuck us today or not?”
Two Estonians Toivo and Uno went fishing. Fishing did not work, they drank all night. In the morning, both have a hangover. ... Toivo ...- Uno you will drop the net on the potato field ... ... Uno ... where you are on the rowing boat there I put the net and put it!
It is a traffic cop on the road. Merce slows down and asks: - there are drugs. (and the man takes out a bag of poppy). The cop regained sight and asked further: - There is a weapon - Yes. (and the man takes out Kalash) The cop in a shocked state asks: - And what is in your trunk - Two corpses of GAI officers, there is room for a third! - Well then, bon voyage ...
Hostel. Three live in the room. It's late evening. The guys finally> calmed down and went to bed. The room, of course, is dark, but the eyes are already> accustomed and see something. "Bazaar" is already dead, rolls up a dream. Suddenly> the door opens and a girl enters the room from the lighted corridor, as if to> her home. It is clear that she was mistaken with a door or even a floor, with whom she had not happened. > Not turning on the lights, so as not to disturb the sleeping or falling asleep friends,> the girl begins to undress. The dream was lifted. The boys, with bated breath,> literally grew into bunks, afraid to move. Everyone has the main question:> "To whom? Who is that lucky one?" Behind the scenes, everyone decided to play until victory. > Girl finishes undressing. To stand in the middle of the room (here it is,> the decisive minute!), Stretches it so sweetly and says:> -Oh, girls, fuck like you want! ...> And the guys broke. Wild laughter scared the whole hostel. Dudes fell to> floor. The girl almost gave birth. She rushed out of the room. Then here> she came back and grabbed things, but the guys didn’t see this. For a long time> they saw nothing because of the tears flowing into three streams.
- Was the patient pricked before death? - But what about! 7 stab wounds.
Ilya Muromets drove out into the open field, sees three paths in front of him ... Ilyushenka became thoughtful, twisted 100 bucks into a tube - and sniffed all three.
A person cannot be considered a full-fledged citizen of Ukraine if he has not at least once licked a Kron battery and a frozen swing ...
My colleague called from home and gave instructions on how to get a document from her computer :. - So, the folder “My Documents” - yeah ... - there you go into the folder “X @ yna” - EEE ... There are 2 folders: “any x @ ynya” and “x @ ynya, worse than any x @ yny” . What do I need? - second ... - Yes! - So, there you go to the "by @ bistika" folder. - I went ... - Great. There, in the folder "@ buchy Rostov" - the document "Supplementary Agreement. Ivanov." So you need it.
Two fans meet on Khreshchatyk. “Oh, and the Italians in the fourth quarter finishes us today,” one sobs. “Oh, they will float it,” asserts the second. - And then, in the semifinals, the Germans will float, and in the finals - the Brazilians ...
- And there were donuts with condensed milk sold? - Honestly, I hear about swabs with condensed milk for the first time ...
- Misha, Misha, why did you paint the horse’s lips red? - She is woman. - And why ears in blue? - She froze!
Smoked a cigarette - saved the horse!
Question to motorists: what do you mean by "autobiography"?
When computers were large, programs were small ...
The pride of a girl suffers from nothing so much as from her intact honor.
She was such a caring wife and took care of her husband so much that she used strangers all the time.
A horseman may be without a head. The horse cannot afford it.
Man descended from a woman.
There are no good and bad heroes in homosexual films. There are only pretty and nasty.
Ugly women do not exist! there are men exhausted by spermotoxicosis.
The first sign of mushroom poisoning is the turning of the corpse.
If someone called you a smelly goat - butt him!
... and cheer up.
Prison - a lack of space, offset by an excess of time.

“Now kneel down and swear allegiance to democracy!” “I swear, Lord!”
The oldest profession is a prostitute. The second oldest is the thief. The third oldest - the politician - is the result of the natural symbiosis of the first and second.
The purest, brightest and highest is friendship! Both folk wisdom and prominent thinkers do not tire of repeating this. So why are women offended if the next morning they are invited to remain friends?
From the news on the radio: - Participants in the beauty contest met with members of our jury!
A drunk pilot sits in the cockpit of the plane following the flight Kiev-Moscow. Looks: the co-pilot is in the same condition. - Bastard! We have agreed! Today I drink ... How could you get so drunk in the morning ?! In response, silence. - Okay! We’ll fly then! But who will drive a car in Moscow ?!
Watch on DVD. Have you looked? Now look at the vacuum cleaner.
One Friday came to visit Robinson and was surprised to see that he was sitting surrounded by six girls. - And who are they ?! - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday!
- Dad, and blacks are those who live in Africa? - Remember, son - blacks live in Africa, and blacks live in Moscow!
Electrician in the service: "The last cartridge - for yourself!".
TV game. At the game table, the participant answers all tricky questions, without using a single hint. Presenter: - If you answer the last question, then a million will be yours. Just don’t be furious with the question - the computer chooses the questions. So, are you ready? - Yes! - What is the depth of your wife's vagina? The player frowns for a long time, rubs the back of his head, finally says: - Call a friend!
Moscow. Evening. A luxurious silver limousine slowly rolls along Tverskaya, in which two luxurious women in diamonds and furs sit, braking each group of people. Suddenly, two highlanders separated from one of the groups, ran up to the limo and shouted: “Girls!” Girly! You are looking for prostitutes, huh? This is mi, mi!
Once Sergey Mikhalkov came to the conservatory, stood in front of a portrait of Glinka, looked, was silent. And then he condescendingly said: “Well, my dear, your anthem hasn’t gone, not gone!”
One manager can fuck everyone but himself. Two managers can fuck anyone.
“Yes, I am ready to give my life, not only for Franklin, but also for Lincoln!” - What did he say? - He said that it’s not like 100 - he will strangle himself for a dollar ...
Hand-to-Hand Announcement: For Sale: Sado-Mazda, KamAZ Sutra, Cop Cap, Gray Military Underwear, Rear Seat Postures.
- What do you think about gender equality? - Not bad idea! Now three days a week let my wife fuck me!
- There is happiness! ... It is near! .... Nearby! .. Nearby I said! .. And there is! ... There is, bitch! ..
The program "Smak" ... Makarevich: - I remind you, today we have Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich h Putin ... Vladimir Vladimirovich, what have you prepared ??? - Mmm ... Andrei ... I mean ... mm .. not very good .. mm ... cook ... so I just didn’t give a shit about that saucer ... and added a spicy sauce ... try .. . - (tastes, his face turns green) ... Mmm ... yummy .... yum-yum ... - Not too sharp? - No, no, that you, I would even say too well ...
Group "Hands Up!" released a new album, completely unlike all their previous albums ... Now there is a little blue cover ...
- The French drink literally everything with wine: salad, meat, fish. In this they differ from the Russians, who drink only vodka with wine.
- Three maidens by the window! - They could not stand the balcony.
- Yesterday I was invited to act in porn films. I don’t know what to wear. - You, most importantly, take off your hat!
- Why are you sad, Cossack? - Yes, he blew off his father’s wind! Mom and I were left alone ...
Sweeping shifts in the government of Pakistan. Dismissed the main star and the shepherd.
“So what if you are Zeus?” And I am Hercules! - Wow, talking porridge!
- The soloists of the Beasts group have bitten their producer. Now the group is called "Creatures" ... - And today they stole his wallet. Buy the new scum album!
New for men: Gay for the shower!
A man comes to a travel agency and tells the clerk. - I am a fan of extreme tourism, what can you offer me such? - Here, we dress you in a heat-resistant spacesuit, issue an alpenstock and send it to Kamchatka. Your goal is to go around the vent of an active volcano. - And what is extreme in this? Nah, it won’t get me ... - Well, then we put on a wetsuit on you, give out a knife and send to the Congo jungle. Your goal is to cross a wide river teeming with crocodiles ... - Bullshit ... I would like something cooler ... - Well, we dress you in a warm jacket, give out a backpack ... - You’ll guess! You send me to the Arctic, my goal is to cross the North Pole ... - No, we will send you to London, and your goal is to cross it from end to end by metro ...
In one of the small cities, the theater gave Ostrovsky "Thunderstorm" in transit. As many probably remember, there is a scene of the body throwing itself into the river. Mats were commonly used to mitigate the effects of the fall. And usually they did not carry them with them, but searched on the spot (in schools, gyms). And here a bummer came out: no, they don’t give, there is nobody, etc. In one place they were offered a trampoline. Nothing to do, they took it, but in a turmoil (or deliberately forgot to warn the actress. And now imagine a scene: the heroine screams into the river ... and flies out. With a scream ... And so several times ... Actors hardly restrain themselves ( tragic scene), the audience in a trance ... At this moment, one of those standing on the stage says: - Yes ... Mother Volga does not accept ...
From life. One good artist was very poor and friends finally found a job for him - to teach drawing to two girls of 9 and 12 years old from a prim, mossy professorship family. And the artist had one more talent - he terribly cursed, could not speak coherently without it. But vowed to be silent in the classroom. So, the first lesson. The girls are sitting, he says through gritted teeth: - Here you have brushes, here are paints, here are easels. Start drawing, but just don’t ask me anything. And if a question arises - you tell me - HUYAK, a note ...
The soul asks for romance, and the priest for adventure.
Kuchma returned from Konche-Zaspa finished and sleepy ...
No matter what you are looking for on the Internet, at least one porn site will match your search criteria.
Help grandchildren. Tastier than bread and "Rama" did not eat anything in life.
For what CTRL-C - for that CTRL-V.
Werewolf ointment. Rubbed into trust.
Graduation by grave diggers: I dug up nine graves, the tenth is yours!
The best cure for flu is to put an aspirin tablet on your stomach and rub it in with your other stomach until it is completely absorbed ...
Due to the declining demand for contract killings, criminals set about searching for orders for contracted rape ...
If a black cat, a black mouse, a black bug, a black granddaughter ran across your path ... then your grandfather pulled out a high-voltage cable instead of a turnip.
For one youngster - they give three five-year plans.

- And my mother, when I got married, stabbed a pig. - To the wedding? - No ... Just freaked out ...
- Kostya, listen, we are one team, we are together from the first grade, and everything we do we do together too ... only you know, my girlfriend somehow doesn’t like it ...
“Do you understand jokes?” - His - yes!
- Mom, this is Vasya. We met him in bed.
A monument to a cat was erected in St. Petersburg. Already in the evening he became a favorite toilet of dogs.
Krutova was not taken to work as a milkmaid - she did not know the profession. She had to get a job as a teacher in a kindergarten.
- Yesterday, my husband first washed his own socks for the first time! “What did that find on him?” - I forgot to take them off when I was taking a bath ...
From the telecast: "The New Pope is a true reformer. He has for the first time among popes since St. Peter the e-mail box appeared."
A funny message on local radio: "A well-known artist from Chelyabinsk working in the style of art, opens an exhibition of Easter eggs by Easter."
These strange Russians ... Almost all Russians believe that universal military duty is necessary, but at the same time almost everyone is trying to cut it off. Some kind of massive split consciousness ...
In the restaurant: - Will you have a steak with blood or will you pay?
- We welcome you on board the Abkhaz airlines! We ask business class passengers to fasten their seat belts and fasten the rest of the seat belts.
Inventory in the Moscow zoo: - Here are the cobras. 20 skeins of 50 meters. Chinese dwarf ponies - 2 buckets ...
- He was going to marry! Do you have any money? Tell me, please, what are you going to support my girl for? - Yes, my father has 17 oil wells, and I have 2 million dollars in my account. I will feed somehow. - Daughter - go for a walk, I need to talk! Why do you need this pethouse? You need a more mature woman.
The sobering-up station on Gagarin Street invites all his friends to a graduate meeting. Note, sit!
If the mother-in-law calls and asks how to replace the light bulb in the bathroom, the correct answer should begin with the words "Pour a full bath of water ...".
The funeral procession is approaching the cemetery. Entrance to the cemetery through a wide gate with an arch. The arch says: "Remember, Love, Mourn." They went in, reported, said goodbye, drove, cried, buried. Again they roared, cried, went to the exit. Exit through the same wide gate with an arch. The arch says: "Remember, Love, Wait."
Working parents, children who do not know how to ask for alms ... Well, just a shame on the gypsy family!
At the car dealership. - Hello! I would like to buy from you this car on credit at 10% per annum ... - But what, our price is not high enough for you ?!
- Dad! Why do you go to the sauna with friends when you can wash yourself at home? - Son, dad does just that - he goes to the sauna with friends, and he bathes at home ...
- How to check an accountant for stress resistance? - Put write protection on the floppy disk.
2008 year. Roman Abramovich in "Sailor Silence". All property, assets, shares and other crap are divided and sold. The question remains: "What should I do with Chelsea?" Soon the issue was resolved. The whole team moves to the Urals. From now on, Chelsea is a team of the Chelyabinsk Construction Institute ...
A conversation between two men: - Does your wife go to work? - Goes. - Right! I also do not give my travel.
Desert, heat, sultry wind spreads hot sand, the scorching sun kills all living things ... An emaciated man crawls along a dune and whispers: - Concentrated! ..
Conversation of the developer with the manager. - And what will happen if we disrupt the project deadlines? So two weeks? - For professional dog handlers this is called "knitting" ...
Stuttering surgeon: Pee-pee!
Impudent Assistant: Saw?
Surgeon: Pee-pee!
Assistant: This is not the time for "wee".
Surgeon: D-d-dura. Pi-tweezers.
Assistant: Himself mediocrity! On the!
Surgeon: Ska-ska-ska!
Assistant: Tell me! Tell me!
Surgeon: Scalpel.
Assistant: Finally. Hold on!
Surgeon: There-there!
Assistant: Where, where?
Surgeon: There-there!
Assistant: But where?
Surgeon: Tam-there-pon.
Assistant: Ugh, damn. Here!
Surgeon: For the favor!
Assistant: Infectious ???
Surgeon: Behind the clamp.
Assistant: Lord. Scared only. On the!
Surgeon: Ig-ig!
Assistant: Vodichki?
Surgeon: Ig-ig!
Assistant: Take a deep breath and pass.
Surgeon: Ig-igloo with n-n-thread.
Assistant: Ha! So no!
Surgeon: For the favor!
Assistant: And there are no more clamps!
Surgeon: For the fuck! Over-op-op-operation!
Assistant: Nothing, tie-up with bandages! Butcher Fucking!
Surgeon: Oooo!
Assistant: A do not care! I suppose, it’s also not just that you drove us from the clinic to the morgue!
A woman comes to the doctor to find out the result of a pregnancy test. The doctor tells her the good news and, learning that this is her first pregnancy, asks if she has questions. - Yes, doctor, I’m a little scared of the upcoming pains during childbirth. How painful can it be? - Well, their intensity varies from woman to woman and from pregnancy to pregnancy, so it will be difficult to explain this to you. - Well, at least approximately! The doctor, after a moment of thought, answers: - Good. Grasp the upper lip with two fingers and pull it forward. - So? - Yet.? - So? - A bit more? - Like this? - Yes. Does it hurt so much? - Little. - Good. Now try pulling it on the back of your head.
Excursion to the rubber factory. The first workshop. Sounds: Shhhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhh! Excursionist: And what is this? Director: Nipples for baby bottles are produced in this workshop. The sound "Shhh" is vulcanization, the sound "bang" is a hole piercing. The next workshop is a condom. Sounds: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Excursionist: Is there a hole in every third condom? Director: Of course! But consumers need a nipple!
Dad was left with his little daughter alone and in the evening can not put her to sleep. I tried everything. My daughter says: - Whisper in my ear, like mom. Dad is whispering something. Daughter falling asleep: - No, no! Tired like a dog!
- Mom, today, when the guests arrived, I did a good deed. - What? - Brother quietly put a button on the chair for the guest, and I waited until he started to sit down, and at that moment removed the chair from under him.
Little daughter is sitting on her father’s lap. Nearby in the crib lies her newly born brother, whom she is happy to examine. “You know, honey,” the father says, “today one person offered a ton of money for your little brother.” Wouldn't we sell it to us? The girl shook her head. - But think about how many wonderful things we can buy with this money ... - No, dad, wait until he gets older, then we can sell it more ...