My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories
Male cologne "The corpse of the enemy."
Slogan: "It smells good."
Mytishchi District Court has banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.
Caressing your wife before sexual intercourse, still try to think about something pleasant.
... children's ice-cream cafe "Lick at Snow White".
In our family, in the morning, only a mobile phone is engaged in charging ...
A new site has been opened with the predictions of the future: [http: //www.r.derates.ru] WWW.r.dits.com
More women today trust diapers "Haggiz."
Because they no longer trust tampons "Tampax" ...
Santa Claus comes to a good New Year on the New Year, and Santa Line comes to a bad one.
Mom wanted a boy, and dad girl - so they met ...
Sasha moved the train. But his joy would be incomplete if it were not for the counter!
There was a new light reading on the night - "Kama Sutra Light": read, dreamed - and fell asleep!
In Kazan, a pickpocket appeared. He gets into your pocket and spends the night there.
Drunk woman - easy prey, but heavy burden ...
- Director - you are a goat! Uninformed incompetent! - Mr. Chairman of the Board of Directors, I will correct ...
- We are 10 years on the market! ... We can’t sell the goods!
She sticks to him: - Well, tell me what is there? Well, show me? Well, at least the edge! ............ - Okay! Do you know how to keep a secret? - Yes! - I, too!
- Agreed - if I said we go to mom, then we go to mom, if to the cinema, then to the cinema? - No, dear ... - Well, if I said, we go to my mother, it means we go to the cinema, if she said to the cinema, it means to my mom.
The store heard: - I kilogram liters.
Science News. Recently, scientists have discovered the temple of Ouwetzkoatl - God of wonder among the ancient Incas.
- Michurin - is it true that you grow hemp right in the pots? - Not true - I grow it right in cigarettes ...
- You heard, they can drink from Ukraine in the Dnieper! - Just think! We can eat from the Rhine!
Eyes and hands said - yes, stomach - no. The table got in the way of the conflict.
The G8 summit participants decided to provide all possible assistance to African countries and agreed to eat more bananas.
- And let's go to war on the Moldovans? - It makes no sense, they build faster than we will destroy ... - Then, let's go to war against the Chinese? - It is meaningless - they multiply faster than we will destroy them ... - Then we will go to war with stupid amerikosov! - Mr. President - we are stupid Americans ...
The wife calls her husband on the cellular, he replies to her that he is far away - roaming, i.e. expensive to talk to. Wife in response: - It is a pity that you can not talk ... then listen!
My wife bought a dog grooming machine ... Only my husband did not bite. On it and trained ...
- Tomorrow we go hiking. - And take warm things? - Yes, take six bottles!
Problems with potency? Ejaculation? No problem! Our highly qualified specialists will fuck and finish for you !!!
- Do not have a hundred rubles, and have a hundred friends! - You'd better have all the enemies ...
- Many women complain that they feel uncomfortable in bed ... - I do not know! And in my bed, everything is fine !. Sheet, pillowcase, duvet cover ...
- Listen, Tanka. Yesterday I met this guy: tall, with a little crotch! - And the eyes, hair, beautiful? - I don’t know - you don’t really see behind the little hump ...
Volkov slightly twisted the plot of the "Wizard of the Emerald City", in fact - Ellie first got to the poppy field, and only then met the talking lion, a living effigy and an iron chipper ...
- And this monument to the hussar-girl, who opens the champagne. Cork in the mouth symbolizes innocence.
- Little Red Riding Hood, and where are you going? - I go to my grandmother and carry sclerosis. - Give me a try ... Tasty! And where are you going?
- Vadik ?! - Yes. - I'm sorry, of course! - What is it, Kirill? “But I slept with your girlfriend.” - Who? !! You?!! Heh, so it should be !!!
- Grandpa, and how many apples do you like? - Granddaughters, there are no apples in Klinsky!
- Why are you so sad? - Aunt, Asya "arrived."
- Tell me, my friend. - I am not my friend, but my dear! - Tell me, father ...
In Prague, above the entrance to some places of entertainment there is an inscription - “Girls for nothing”. Can you imagine how Russian-speaking individuals of the male sex break off when they find out what it means only that girls do not pay entrance fees!
From life. Notarial office. The notary certifies the translation of Cypriot documents (very good, like Apollo) for the Russian registry office, where he wishes to be married to our compatriot. At the end, the notary, as expected, reads the certified document out loud: - Kostas Hrinapoulos Pupisdonis .... Bride: - Ka-a-akaya has his last name? !! The poor thing, it turns out, has already signed up at the registry office that takes the name of the future husband ...
Street, talking on a mobile phone: - (very loud) You're a bitch, you fucking - when grandma will return ?! I'll fuck you on pyataks, if you can't bring me babos! (more tender) By the way, on the occasion of you, Olezha - Christ is risen!
The Drakkar of the Scandinavians is in the sea - the storm, the ship wears like a nutshell, warriors slowly prepare for their death ... Then the clouds unfold and the voice of Odin is heard: Vikings: - One! Believe it! Believe it! One: - Well, then wear your armor! Vikings quickly dress up, who in what can. One: - Vikings, my children - do you believe in me ?! Vikings: - We believe, great One! Believe it! One: - Well, then take your weapon! And jump overboard! The Vikings seized all the weapons and jumped overboard ... Here again the clouds opened around the first gap and another loud voice reads: - Loki - well, that's what the fuck, huh !!
Where are you looking at? !!! Where are you looking at? !!! Stop then look !!!
Park drive around on the right. On the right, I said !!! On right!!! Well, we drive around on the left. Left!!!! Well, the park today we did not submit ...
Handbrake again forgot to lower! One more time you will not lower - will not rise any more !!! (drove about a kilometer)
Who are we missing? !!! Who are we missing? !!! We do not miss anyone !!! Go ahead!
That he had to give us !!! Well, shy away in his direction lightly, let him know how to shy away !!!
Turn right! We will pass another circle ... I have not considered a woman alone. Do not drive so, she will not reach the subway, will not have time ...
Let's go, green already !!! Let's go ... Neutral, ignition ... Touch! This is he yelling at you, by the way ...
No one has broken this thing before you, you are the first ...
What kind of clown? !!! What is he standing here? !!! Found where to stand!
Throw him away !!! What does a car without a driver mean ??? Of course, without a driver !!! While you were driving him, he was already out for a long time !!!
(driving through a minor accident) Just about, here it is, your death! That's how you kill! Remember this picture! (3 times)
What sign drove? No, not stopping is prohibited ... No, not limiting ... No, not turning is forbidden ... Which one? I have already forgotten what ...
Where did you go? And for what?!!! Get out! Go, I tell you! Where did you go ??? Come back in !!! Everything is late! We arrived !!! Plant ...
Stirlitz lay on the floor, disguised as a cigarette butt.
During the war, Stirlitz furtively fed Berlin children. The children were swollen and dead from the ornament.
Bursting into the office where the meeting was going on, Stirlitz took out his gun, and everyone fell to death.
Hunting without drinking is like fishing without booze!
Previously, people blamed everything inexplicable on otherworldly forces, now on Photoshop.
If in the dining room to separate flies from cutlets - then there will be practically nothing to eat.
Love is when you give, sex is when you take.
Ukrainian scientists have discovered a new drug - pop. Absolutely everyone is sitting on it!
I think that soon our native Duma will pass a law on the replacement of education and health care with preferential payments ...
Women's vintage rate: all incoming and outgoing free, you only need to marry her.
And everyone is buying something ... Who is the car, who is the house by the sea ...
For bread, perhaps, to go? ..
I am a gullible man, but hard-hitting.
Financial distress is when Visa sends you an application form for the Master Circle.
While the geniuses, rejoicing like children, rested in nature, nature joylessly rested on their children.
The bride at the wedding was worse than a snack.
- What is the peculiarity of a split personality among programmers? - There may be many subpersonalities, but one of them is a must - admin!
- Dad, pour more juice! - You're going to burst, dear! - Dad! I double the GDP!
Problem solving in Russian: - It would be nice, but ... - And why not! - And he went to the dick!
- Girl, do not tell me how much time? - Young man - why do you need it, and you yourself have a watch ... - Girl, you didn't understand? I want to meet you ... - Aah! It is clear, well then .. (and so coquettishly) ... six-twenty ...
My mother-in-law loves to watch TV. I buried him. I am waiting ...
I come home in the evening. The mother-in-law sits in an armchair and strokes his rottweiler. When he sees me, he points his finger at me and says to the dog: - ZYAT !!!!
- Honey, I have a spicy request for you. Would you mind stripping naked? - Before the goal? And at whose gate?
Want to come off with cool chicks in full? Cowshed farm number 8 is waiting for you!
- Dear, my friends say that my mustache is growing, say, is it not true? - Of course, my pussy.
- And we have gas in the apartment. And you? - And we will light your candle! Yes, just kidding!
Julia Savicheva took to Eurovision! Now you have to give a debt!
... and this is for tea, "he told the waiter, and put a piece of sugar in his palm.
- In vain are you so with him ... Do you know whose son this is? .. Your ...
- And now look at this unique photo - George Bush Sr. drops his firstborn on her ...
Selling a collection of subpoenas to the army, not extinguished, there are different years.
Scientists have found that the moon is constantly moving away from the earth. If the removal rate was constant, calculations show that 85 million years ago the moon's orbit was ten meters from the Earth ... This explains the disappearance of dinosaurs! At least large ...
Piercing! Pensioners - discounts!
They put Michael Jackson ... Zeki rejoiced like children!
An adult woman was walking in the direction of the station ... Her heart was crying, she did not want to leave here, because her daughter and grandchildren lived here ... And when she came the next time she did not know ... A daughter was walking nearby and holding her arm ... She, too, was not happy ... The little granddaughter pressed strongly against her grandmother's leg ... He also didn’t want her to leave ... And around this whole company, with joyful son-in-law, was jumping with heavy bags ...
- If he began to take up too much space, too much noise from him and you have nowhere to put him ??? - PUT YOUR SON TO THE ARMY !!!!
- Man, can you imagine ... Fedka's member has a straight iron! - What do you mean? - Yes! In the cold licked - the tongue stuck !!
A man comes to an optometrist: - You know, doctor, my eyesight began to weaken something ... - Well, my dear - you need to strengthen eye muscles! I suggest that you do the following exercise every day for an hour: you can move your eyes up and down, left and right, in random order ... - Every day ?! For an hour ?! The doctor is very tiring and boring ... - Nothing, I will give you a video tape - it will greatly facilitate this procedure ... - Yes ?! What is special about it? - Nothing special ... It’s just that she recorded the run of a naked girl with a big bust ...
A group of tourists is walking along the Ussuri taiga ... Suddenly, a tiger jumps out of the thicket. “Don't panic, the tiger is full!” - states the conductor. One of the tourists: - Fuck, I pissed too ...
- Gyulchatay, open the beer ... - Maybe a little face ?! - Yes, your face just beer open ...
Two women judges are talking. - Listen, and husband doing blowjob? - Not. - What are you motivating?
Vasya with a huge bouquet of flowers comes into the house of his neighbors. - What do you need, Vasya? - not quite friendly asks a neighbor. - You know, Nikolai Petrovich - for 15 years now I love your daughter ... - Did you, by chance, come to demand retirement?
- Honey, this bowling is too expensive for us ... - Why ?! - Yes, there is only "pour drinks on the track" is 500 rubles! I’m even afraid to imagine how much they will charge us for your favorite shot on the monitor ...
- Estimate, yesterday my stomach twisted so much that I didn’t even go to work ... - What - the stomach was upset ?! - Got upset?! That is putting it mildly. Apparently, he was just hysterical ...
A newcomer, seeing a rubber woman in a lifeguard school, is surprised. “Future rescuers are working on artificial respiration on it,” explain more experienced comrades. - Does she come to life? - surprised novice. - Does not come to life - but sometimes it is possible to stir up ...
In the shuttle bus ... - Sorry, my bag does not bother you? - No, it's okay ... - But if it interferes, tell me, I will remove ... - Well, but in fact, everything is fine ... - But it seems to me that it still interferes, because of you, you are then sit uncomfortably ... - Yes, there is a little bit ... - Well, then, should I remove? - Well, well, clean ... - Where, damn it - well, look, idiot, where I will clean it? !!
From life. There are two popular cartoon characters in Israel: BAZ and UZA. Their dolls are sold in every self-respecting Israeli shop. When shopping in a Tel Aviv supermarket, I notice mother with a boy of years, commercials, five (from former Russians). She asked in Russian: - Buy you a UZU? And take the child and answer: - I want BACA! .. I was pumped out for a long time ...
The most terrible psychological attack - the sailors, jumping on the zebras on the mattresses.
Married photo models: a boy and a girl. The wedding night. They lie in bed for 10, 20 ...., 40 minutes. Then the guy does not stand up and says: - I didn't even understand, will anyone fuck us today or not?
Two Estonians Toivo and Uno went fishing. Fishing did not work, they drank all night. In the morning both have a hangover. ... Toivo ...- Uno you cast a net on a potato field I threw ... ... Uno -... where you rowed a boat there I set it up and !.
It is a traffic cop on the road. Brakes Merce and asks: - There are drugs, there is. (and the man takes out a bag of poppy). The cop has begun to see clearly and asks further: - There are weapons - Yes. (and the peasant gets Kalash) The cop in a state of shock asks: - And what do you have in the trunk - Two traffic cops, there is a place for a third! - Well then, happy road ...
Dorm. Three people live in the room. It's late evening. The guys finally> calmed down and went to bed. The room is naturally dark, but the eyes are already> used and see something. "Bazar" is already stalled, rolls up a dream. Suddenly, a door opens and a girl enters the room from the lighted corridor, as if she was> home. It is clear that the door or even the floor was mistaken, with whom it did not happen. > Not including light, so as not to disturb sleeping or falling asleep friends,> she begins to undress. The dream disappeared like a hand. The boys, with bated breath,> literally rooted in beds, afraid to move. On everyone's mind the main question:> "To whom? Who is the lucky one?" Behind the scenes, everyone decided to play to the victorious. > Girl finishes undress. Become in the middle of the room (here it is,> the decisive minute!), It is sweet as it is sipped and says:> -Oh, wenches, fuck something you want! ...> And the guys broke down. Wild laughter scared the whole hostel. Dudes fell on the> floor. Lass generally almost gave birth. She rushed out of the room. Then back there, she came back and raked in things, but the guys haven't seen it anymore. They didn’t see anything for a long time because of the tears flowing in the three creeks.
- The patient before death was pricked? - And how! 7 stab wounds.
Ilya Muromets left in a clean field, he saw three tracks in front of him ... Ilya pondered, rolled 100 bucks into a tube, and smelled all three.
A person cannot be considered a full-fledged citizen of Ukraine if he has not licked the Krone battery and frozen swings at least once ...
My colleague called from home and gave instructions on how to get the document from her computer :. - So, the folder "My Documents" - aha ... - there you go to the folder "X @ yna" - EEE ... There are 2 folders: "any x @ yna" and "x @ yna, worse than any x @ yni" . What do I need? - the second ... - Yes! - So, there you go to the folder "by @ bistica". - I went ... - Great. There in the folder "@ buchy Rostov" - the document "Additional agreement. Ivanov." So you need it.
There are two fans on Khreshchatyk. - Oh, and they will throw out the Italians today in the fourth final, - one sobs. - Oh, freeze, - asses the second. - And then in the semifinals, the Germans will sprinkle, and in the final - the Brazilians ...
- And there donuts with condensed milk were sold? - To be honest, I generally hear about tampons with condensed milk for the first time ...
- Misha, Misha, well, why did you redden your horse lips? - She is woman. - Why ears in blue? - She froze!
Smoked a cigarette - saved the horse!
Question to motorists: what do you mean by "autobiography"?
When computers were great - programs were small ...
The maiden pride does not suffer from anything so much as from its unaffected part.
She was such a caring wife and took care of her husband so much that she used it all the time.
The rider may be without a head. A horse cannot afford it.
The man came from a woman.
In films about homosexuals there are no good and bad heroes. There are only pretty and nasty.
Ugly women do not exist! there are men who are tormented by spermotoxicosis.
The first sign of mushroom poisoning is a blue corpse.
If someone called you a stinky goat, gore him!
... and crap.
Prison - lack of space, offset by an excess of time.
“Now kneel down and swear allegiance to democracy!” - I swear, Lord!
The oldest profession is a prostitute. The second oldest is a thief. The third oldest politician is the result of the natural symbiosis of the first and second.
The purest, lightest and highest is friendship! This is not tired of repeating and popular wisdom, and prominent thinkers. So why are women offended if they are offered to remain friends in the morning?
From the news on the radio: - Participants of the beauty contest met with the members of our jury!
In the cockpit of the aircraft, following the flight Kiev-Moscow, sits drunk pilot. Looks: the co-pilot in the same condition. - Bastard! We have agreed! Today I drink ... How could you get so drunk in the morning ?! In response, silence. - Okay! Fly then we will fly !! But who in Moscow will drive the car ?!
Watch the DVD. Have you looked? Now look at the vacuum cleaner.
Once Friday came to visit Robinson and was surprised to see that he was sitting surrounded by six girls. - And who are they ?! - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday!
- Dad, are blacks living in Africa? - Remember, son - blacks live in Africa, and black live in Moscow!
Electrician in the service: "The last cartridge - for yourself!".
TV game. At a game table, a participant answers all tricky questions without using a single hint. Host: - If you answer the last question, then a million will be yours. Just do not be furious at the question - questions are chosen by the computer. So ready? - Yes! - What is the depth of your wife's vagina? The player frowns for a long time, rubs the back of his head, and finally says: - Call a friend!
Moscow. Evening. A luxurious silver limousine, in which two luxurious women in diamonds and furs are seated, slowing down in each group of people, slowly and slowly rolls along Tverskaya. Suddenly, two Highlanders are separated from one of the groups, run up to the limousine and shout: “Devushki! Devushki! You are looking for prostitutes, right? This is mi, mi!
Once Sergey Mikhalkov came once to the conservatory, stood in front of the portrait of Glinka, looked, was silent. And then condescendingly said: - Well, my dear - your anthem did not go, did not go!
One manager can fuck everyone but himself. Two managers can fuck anyone.
- Yes, I am ready to give my life not only for Franklin, but also for Lincoln! - What did he say? - He said that not only for 100 - he will stumble for a dollar ...
The ad "From hand to hand": I sell BDSM, Kamazosutra, Cop cap, gray underwear, poses for the rear seat.
- What do you think about gender equality? - Not bad idea! Now three days a week let my wife fuck me!
- Happiness - there is! ... It is near! .... Next! .. Next I said! .. And there is! ... Yes, bitch! ..
Transfer "Relish" ... Makarevich: - I remind you, today our guest is Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovi Putin Putin ... Vladimir Vladimirovich, what have you prepared ??? - Mmm ... Andrew ... I say so .. mm .. not very good .. mm ... I am cooking ... so I just shit in this saucer ... and added a spicy sauce ... try .. - (tries, his face turns green) ... Mmm ... yummy .... yum-yum ... - Not too hot? - No, no, that you, I would even say too well ...
Group "Hands Up!" released a new album, completely different from all their previous albums ... Now there is a blue cover ...
- The French wash down with wine literally everything: salad, meat, fish. In this way, they differ from the Russians, who drink only vodka with wine.
- Three maidens by the window! - They could not stand the balcony.
- I was invited yesterday to star in porn movies. I do not know what to wear. - You, most importantly, take off your hat!
- Why are you sad, Cossack? - Yes, the hat blown away by the wind! Some mothers and I stayed ...
Radical reshuffle in the government of Pakistan. Fired chief astrologer and shepherd.
- So what if you are Zeus? And I - Hercules! - Wow, talking porridge!
- Soloists of the band “Animals” bit their producer. Now the group is called "Critters" ... - And today they stole a wallet from him. Buy a new album of the band "Mrazi"!
Novelty for men: Gay for the shower!
A man comes to a travel agency and tells the clerk. - I am a fan of extreme tourism, what can you offer me such a thing? - Here, we dress you in a heat-resistant spacesuit, issue an alpenstock and send it to Kamchatka. Your goal is to walk around the mouth of an active volcano. - What's so extreme about that? No-ee, it won’t get me ... - Well, then we put a wetsuit on you, give out a knife and send it to the Congo jungle. Your goal is to swim across a wide crocodile-infested river ... - Bullshit ... I would have something more awesome ... - Well, we dress you in a warm jacket, give out a backpack ... - You'll guess! You will send me to the Arctic, my goal is to cross the North Pole ... - No, we will send you to London, and your goal is to cross it from end to end on the subway ...
In one of the small towns the theater gave Ostrovsky the Thunderstorm. As many probably remember, there is a scene of self-throwing of the body into the river. To mitigate the effects of the fall, mats were commonly used. And usually they were not taken with them, but searched on the spot (in schools, gyms). And here came a bummer: no, they don’t give, there is no one, and so on. In one place they were offered a trampoline. There is nothing to do, they took it, but in the confusion (or they deliberately forgot to warn the actress. And imagine the scene: the heroine rushes into the river with a cry ... and flies out. With a cry ... And so several times ... Actors have difficulty holding back ( the scene is tragic), the audience is in a trance ... At this moment, one of those standing on the stage says: - Yes ... Mother Volga does not accept ...
From life. One good artist was very poor and his friends finally found him a job - teaching drawing to two girls, 9 and 12 years old, from a prim mossy professorial family. And the artist had another talent - he was terribly cursed, could not speak coherently without this. But he promised solemnly to keep silent in class. So, the first lesson. Girls sit, he speaks through clenched teeth: - Here are the brushes, here are the paints, here are the easels. Start drawing, but don't ask me anything. And if a question arises - you tell me - HOOYAK, a little note ...
The soul asks for romance, and priest adventures.
Kuchma returned from Konche-Zaspa is goner and sleepy ...
No matter what you are looking for on the Internet, at least one porn site will match your search criteria.
Help the grandchildren. Tasteful bread and "Rama" did not eat anything in life.
For that Сtrl-С - for that and Сtrl-V.
Ointment "Werewolf". Rubbed into trust.
Sdelschina grave diggers: dug nine graves, tenth - yours!
The best remedy for the flu is to put an aspirin pill on the stomach and rub it with another stomach until it is completely absorbed ...
In connection with the declining demand for contract killings, the criminals set about searching for orders for contract rape ...
If a black cat, a black mouse, a black bug, a black granddaughter ran across the road to you, then grandfather, instead of turnips, pulled out a high-voltage cable.
For one youngster - give three five-year plans.
- And my mother, when I got married, slaughtered a pig. - At the wedding? - No ... I just freaked out ...
- Kostya, listen, we are a team with you, we are together from the first class, and everything we do we do too ... only you know, my girlfriend somehow doesn’t like it ...
- Do you understand the jokes? - Own - yes!
- Mom, this is Vasya. We met in bed.
In St. Petersburg, put a monument to the cat. In the evening he became the favorite toilet of dogs.
Krutov did not have to work as a milkmaid - she did not know the profession. She had to get a teacher in a kindergarten.
- Yesterday, my husband first washed his socks for himself! - What did it find on him? - I forgot to take them off when I took a bath ...
From the TV show: "The new Pope is a true reformer. He has a personal e-mail box for the first time among the popes since the days of Saint Peter."
An amusing message on local radio: "A famous Chelyabinsk artist working in the bodu-art style opens an exhibition of Easter eggs for Easter."
These strange Russians ... Almost all Russians consider that universal conscription is necessary, but at the same time almost everyone tries to get rid of it. Some kind of massive division of consciousness ...
In the restaurant: - Do you need blood steak or will you pay?
- We welcome you aboard the Abkhaz airlines! We kindly ask you to fasten your business class passengers, and fasten your seat belts.
Inventory in the Moscow Zoo: - Here are the cobras. 20 skeins of 50 meters. Chinese dwarf ponies - 2 buckets ...
- He was going to marry! Do you have money? Tell me, please, what are you going to support my girl? - Yes, my father has 17 oil wells, and I have 2 million bucks in the account. I will feed somehow. - Daughter - go for a walk, I need to talk! Why do you need this peteushnitsa? You need a more mature woman.
The sobering-up station, on Gagarin Street, invites all its friends to a meeting of graduates. Note, sit down!
If the mother-in-law calls and asks how to replace the light bulb in the bathroom - the correct answer should begin with the words "Pour a full bath of water ...".
The funeral procession is approaching the cemetery. Entrance to the cemetery through a wide gate with an arch. It is written on the arch: "We remember, we love, we grieve." We went in, informed, said goodbye, waved, cried, buried. They sat up again, cried, went to the exit. Exit through the same wide gate, with an arch. It is written on the arch: "Remember, Love, Waiting."
Working parents, children who do not know how to ask for alms ... Well, just a shame of the Gypsy family!
In the showroom. - Hello! I would like to buy from you this car on credit at 10% per annum ... - And what, our price is not high enough for you ?!
- Dad! And why do you go to the sauna with friends, when you can wash at home? - Son, dad does just that - he goes to the sauna with friends, and he washes at home ...
- How to check the accountant for stress resistance? - Put on a floppy disk write protection.
2008 Roman Abramovich in "Matrosskaya Silence". All property, assets, stocks and other Labuda shared and sold out. The question remains: "What to do with Chelsea?". Soon the issue was resolved. The whole team moves to the Urals. From now on, CHELSY - the team of the Chelyabinsky Construction Institute ...
A conversation between two men: - Does your wife go to work? - walks. - Right! I also do not give my fare.
The desert, the heat, the sultry wind blows hot sand, the scorching sun kills all living things ... A haggard man crawls on the dune and whispers: - A thicket! ..
Conversation of the developer with the manager. - And what will happen if we break the deadlines of the project? So two weeks? - In professional dog trainers this is called "mating" ...
Stuttering surgeon: Pee pee pee!
Arrogant Assistant: Saw?
Surgeon: Pee Pee!
Assistant: no time now for pi-pi.
Surgeon: Dd-dur. P-tweezers.
Assistant: Himself a slacker! On!
Assistant: Say! Say it!
Assistant: Finally. Hold on!
Surgeon: There, there!
Assistant: Where, where, where?
Surgeon: There, there!
Assistant: Where is it?
Assistant: Ugh, damn. Here!
Assistant: Contagious ???
Assistant: Lord. Scared only. On!
Assistant: Breathe deeply - and pass.
Surgeon: Needle needle with n-thread.
Assistant: Ha! So no!
Assistant: And there are no more clips!
Surgeon: Za-zasraka! Overwhelmed by op-op-operation!
Assistant: Nothing, bandages over-over-tighten! Butcher damn!
Surgeon: Do you have the will!
Assistant: And don't care! You, I suppose, is also not just from the clinic drove us to the morgue!
A woman comes to the doctor to find out the result of a pregnancy test. The doctor tells her the good news and, having learned that this is her first pregnancy, asks if she has any questions. - Yes, doctor, I am a little afraid of the forthcoming pains during childbirth. How much can it hurt? - Well, their intensity varies from woman to woman and from pregnancy to pregnancy, so it will be difficult to explain to you. - Well, at least approximately! The doctor, after thinking a little, replies: - Ok. Grasp the upper lip with two fingers and pull it forward. - So? - Still.? - So? - A bit more? - Like this? - Yes. Does it hurt you so much? - Little. - Good. And now try to pull it on the back of the head.
Excursion at the factory of rubber products. The first shop. Sounds: Shhhhh-bah! Shhhhh-bah! Shhhhh-bah! Tripper: What is it? Director: In this workshop, make nipples for baby bottles. The sound "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" is a vulcanization, The soundhhhhhh is a piercing hole. The next shop is a condom. Sounds: Shhhhh-shhhhhhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Tripper: Is there a hole in every third condom? Director: Of course! Need nipple consumers!
Dad stayed with his little daughter alone and in the evening could not put her to sleep. I tried everything. My daughter says: - Whisper my ear, like mom. Dad whispers something. Daughter, falling asleep: - No, no! Tired like a dog!
- Mom, today, when the guests came, I did a good deed. - What? - My brother quietly put a button on the guest’s chair, and I waited until he started to sit down, and at that moment removed the chair from under him.
Little daughter sitting on her father's lap. Next to her in the crib is her newly born brother, whom she gladly considers. “You know, honey,” says his father, “today one person offered a lot of money for your little brother.” Do not sell it to us? The girl shook her head. - But think how many wonderful things we can buy with this money ... - No, daddy, wait until he becomes more mature, then we can sell it more expensive ...