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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Male cologne "Corpse of the enemy."
Slogan: "It smells good."
Mytishchi District Court banned the sale of Microsoft shares on the New York Stock Exchange.
Caressing his wife before sexual intercourse, still try to think about something pleasant.
... children's ice-cream cafe "Lizni at Snow White".
In our family, in the morning, only the mobile phone is engaged in charging ...
A new site with predictions of the future has opened: [http: //]
More and more women today trust diapers "Haggiz".
Because the tampons "Tampax" they no longer trust ...
To a good Inetchik for New Year comes Santa Claus, and to the bad - Grandfather.
Mom wanted a boy, and Dad a girl - so they met ...
Sasha was moved by a train. But his joy would be incomplete, if not counter!
There was a new light reading for the night - "Kamasutra-light": read, dreamed - and fell asleep!
A homeless bum appeared in Kazan. He gets into your pocket and spends the night there.
A drunken woman is an easy prey, but a heavy burden ...

- Director - you're a goat! Incompetent incompetent! - Mr. Chairman of the Board of Directors, I will correct ...
- We are 10 years in the market! ... We can not sell the product!
She sticks to him: - Well, tell me, what is there? Well, show me? Well, at least the edge! ............ - Okay! Do you know how to keep a secret? - Yes! - I also!
- Agreed - if I said we're going to my mom, then we're going to my mom, if in the movie, then in the movie? "No, dear ..." "Well, if I said go to my mother, I mean going to the movies, if I said it in the movie, it means to my mother."
In the store he heard: "I'm a kilogram liter."
Science news. The other day, scientists have discovered the temple of Okhuettskoatl - God of surprise with the ancient Incas.
- Michurin - is it true that you grow cannabis directly in pots? - It's not true - I grow it right in cigarettes ...
"You heard that they can drink from the Dnieper in Ukraine!" - Think! We can eat from the Rhine!
Eyes and hands said yes, the stomach did not. The table has become in the way of conflict.
Participants in the G8 summit decided to provide all possible assistance to African countries and agreed to eat more bananas.
- And let's go to war with the Moldovans? "It's pointless, they're building faster than we're going to destroy ..." "Then let's go to war against the Chinese?" "It's pointless - they multiply faster than we destroy them ..." "Then we'll go to war on stupid amerikos!" - Mr. President - we are dumb amerikosy ...
The wife calls her husband on the cell, he tells her that he is far away - roaming, i.e. it is expensive to talk. The wife in return: - It is a pity that you can not speak ... then listen!
My wife bought a typewriter for cutting dogs ... My husband did not bite. On it and trained ...
- Tomorrow we go camping. - A warm things to take? "Yes, take six bottles!"
Problems with potency? Ejaculation? No problem! Our high-class specialists will fuck and finish for you !!!
"Do not have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends!" "You'd better have all the enemies ..."
- Many women complain that they feel uncomfortable in bed ... - I do not know! And I'm in bed all right !. A sheet, a pillowcase, a duvet cover ...
- Listen, Tanya. Yesterday I met a peasant: a tall, spout with a hump! - And my eyes, my hair, beautiful? - I do not know - it's not very visible behind the hump ...
Volkov slightly distorted the plot of "The Wizard of the Emerald City," in fact - Ellie first hit the poppy field, and only then met a talking lion, a living scarecrow and an iron lumberjack ...
"And this monument is a hussar girl who opens champagne." The cork in the mouth symbolizes innocence.
"Little Red Riding Hood, where are you going?" - I go to the grandmother and bear a sclerosis. - And give me a try ... Tasty! And where are you going?
- Vadik ?! - Yes. "Excuse me, of course!" "What is it, Kirill?" "But I slept with your girlfriend." "Who?" You?!! Heh, so she should!
- Grandfather, but how many in your favorite apples? - Granddaughter, in "Klin" there are no apples!
- Why are you so sad? - Aunt, Asya "has arrived."
- Tell me, my friend - I'm not "my friend," but father! "Tell me, father ..."
In Prague, above the entrance to some places of entertainment there is an inscription - "Girls are free." Can you imagine how Russian-speaking male characters break off when they find out what it means only that girls do not pay for the entrance!
From life. Notarial office. The notary assures the translation of the documents of the Cypriot (ocharovatelnogo, like Apollo) for the Russian registry office, where he wishes to marry with our compatriot. At the end, the notary, as it should be, reads the document to be verified aloud: - Kostas Khrinapulos Pupisdonis .... The Bride: - Ka-ah-what's his name? !! Poor thing already, it turns out, subscribed to the registry office, which takes the name of the future husband ...
Street, talk on the mobile phone: - (very loudly) You bitch, you whore - when the money returned? I'll fuck you on a nickle if you can not bring butterflies to me right now! (more tenderly) By the way, with the holiday of you, Oleja - Christ is risen!
Drakkar Scandinavians are in the sea - a storm, the ship wears like a nutshell, the soldiers are slowly preparing for their death ... Then clouds break open, and Odin's voice is heard: - Vikings, - the deity speaks loudly - do you believe in me ?! Vikings: - Alone! We believe! We believe! One: - Well, then wear your armor! Vikings quickly dress who in what can. One: - Vikings, my children - do you believe in me ?! Vikings: - We believe, the great One! We believe! One: - Well, then take your weapon! And jump overboard! Vikings grabbed all the weapons and jumped overboard ... Then again, next to the first opening, clouds open and another loud voice says: - Loki - well, what the fuck, ah? !!
Where are you looking? !!! Where are you looking? !!! Stop, then look!
Park we will drive to the right. On the right, I said !!! On right!!! Well, let's go to the left. Left!!!! Well, the park today we did not submit ...
Knife again forgot to put it down !!! One more time you will not lower it - it will not rise any more !!! (drove for about a kilometer)
Who do we miss? !!! Who do we miss? !!! We do not miss anyone !!! Come on, come on!
He should have conceded to us !!! Well, kharah in his direction lightly, let him know how to shy away!
Turn right! We'll go another circle ... I did not consider a woman one. Do not drive so, it does not reach the subway, it will not have time ...
Let's go, green already !!! Let's go ... Neutral, ignition ... We're moving! He's yelling at you, by the way ...
Before you, this thing has not been broken, you're the first ...
What kind of clown is this ?! What's he worth? !!! Found where to stand!
Drive him! What does a car without a driver mean ?? Of course, without a driver! While you drove him, he had already gone out a long time !!!
(passing a minor accident) That's about, here it is, your death! That's how you will be killed! Remember this picture! (3 times)
What sign passed? No, it's not forbidden to stop ... No, it's not a restriction ... No, it's not forbidden to turn ... What? I already myself forgot what ...
Where have you stopped by? And for what?!!! Leave! Leave, I'm telling you! Where did you go ??? Come back !!! It's too late! We arrived !!! Get started ...

Stirlitz lay on the floor, disguised as a stub.
During the war Stirlitz stealthily fed the Berlin children. From the box, the children were plump and dead.
Bursting into the office, where the meeting was going, Stirlitz took out his pistol, and everyone fell to death.
Hunting without drinking is like fishing without booze!
Previously, people dumped all the inexplicable on the otherworldly forces, now - on photoshop.
If you separate the flies from the cutlets in the dining room, then there will be practically nothing to eat.
Love is when you give, sex is when you take it.
Ukrainian scientists have discovered a new drug - pop. Everything is sitting on it!
I think soon our own Duma will pass a law on the replacement of education and health care with preferential payments ...
An old female tariff: all incoming and outgoing for free, you only need to marry her.
And everyone is buying something ... Who is the car, who is the house by the sea ...
Do you want to go for bread?
I am a trusting person, but hard to wear.
Financial trouble - this is when Visa sends you an application form for Masters Sar.
While geniuses, rejoicing as children, rested on nature, nature joylessly rested on their children.
The bride at the wedding was worse than snacks.

- What is the feature of the duality of programmers? - There may be many subpersonalities, but one of them - necessarily - the administrator!
- Dad, pour more juice! "You're going to burst, child!" - Dad! I double the GDP!
Solving problems in Russian: - It would be nice, but ... - And why not! - And he fuck you!
- Girl, do not tell me how long? - A young man - why do you, you and the clock itself ... - Girl, did not you understand? I want to meet you ... - Aah! It's clear, well, then .. (and so coquettishly) ... six twenty ...
My mother-in-law likes watching TV very much. I buried it. Waiting ...
I come home in the evening. The mother-in-law sits in a chair and strokes her Rottweiler. Seeing me, he points at me with his finger and says to the dog: - TO BE HAPPEN !!!!
"My dear, I have a piquant request to you." Could you undress naked? - To the goal? And whose gate?
Do you want to tear yourself away from the cool little birds in full? Cowshed of the state farm number 8 is waiting for you!
- Dear, my friends say that my mustache grows, tell me, is not it true? - Of course, my pussy.
"And we have gas in our apartment." And you? "And we'll light the candle!" Yes, I'm joking!
Julia Savicheva took the Eurovision Song Contest! now we have to give back the debt!
... and this is for tea, "he said to the waiter, and put a piece of sugar in his hand.
"You should not have done this to him ... You know whose son this is? .. Your ..."
- And now look at this unique photo - on it George Bush the elder drops his first-born ...
Selling a collection of agendas in the army, not killed, there are different years.
Scientists have established that the Moon always moves away from the Earth. If the rate of removal was constant, calculations show that 85 million years ago the orbit of the moon was ten meters from the Earth ... This explains the disappearance of dinosaurs! At least large ...
Piercing! For retired people - discounts!
They planted Michael Jackson ... Zeki rejoiced at him like children!
The adult woman was walking in the direction of the station ... Her heart was crying, she did not want to leave here, because her daughter and grandchildren live here ... And when she comes next time she did not know ... Next was a daughter and held her by the hand ... It was also sad for her ... The little granddaughter strongly pressed himself against his grandmother's leg ... He did not want her to leave either ... And the joyful son-in-law jumped around the whole company with heavy bags ...
- If he began to occupy too much space, from him too much noise and you have nowhere to put it ??? - PUT YOUR SON IN THE ARMY !!!!
- Man, you know ... Fedka's cock is straight iron! - What do you mean? - Yes! In the frost licked - the language stuck !!
The muzhik comes to the oculist: - You know, doctor, my eyesight began to weaken ... - Well, darling - you need to strengthen the eye muscles! I suggest that you do the following exercise every day for an hour: you can move your eyes up and down, right-left, in random order ... - Every day ?! An hour? Doctor - it's very tiring and boring ... - Nothing, I'll give you a video tape - it will greatly facilitate this procedure ... - Yes ?! And what is special about it? - Yes, nothing special ... Just she recorded the running of a naked girl with a big bust ...
A group of tourists is walking along the Ussuri taiga ... Suddenly a tiger jumps out of the thicket. - Without panic, the tiger is full! - says the conductor. One of the tourists: - Shit, I also pissed ...
- Gyulchatai, open the beer ... - Maybe a little face ?! - Yes, you only open your beer with your face ...
Two female judges are talking. - Listen, and do a husband blowjob? - No. - And what motivates?
Vasya with a huge bouquet of flowers goes into the house of his neighbors. - What do you want, Vasya? - the neighbor is not quite friendly. - You know, Nikolai Petrovich, I've been loving your daughter for 15 years ... - You, by chance, did not come to demand a pension?
- Darling, this bowling is too expensive for us ... - Why ?! - Yes, only "pour drinks on the path" costs 500 rubles! I'm even afraid to imagine how much they will take us for your favorite shot on the monitor ...
- Estimate, yesterday my stomach was twisted so much that I did not even bother to work ... - What - was the stomach upset ?! - Got upset?! It's gently said. Apparently, he was just hysterical ...
The newcomer, seeing a rubber woman in the school of rescuers, is surprised. - On it, future rescuers are practicing artificial respiration, - more experienced comrades explain. "Does it come to life?" - the beginner is surprised. - It does not come to life - but sometimes it is possible to stir ...
In the minibus ... - Sorry, my bag does not bother you? "No, it's okay ..." "But if it's in the way - tell me, I'll clean it up ..." "Okay, but it's all right ..." "But it seems to me that it's still hindering you because of her, then you sit awkwardly ... - Yes, there is a little ... - Well, then I'd better get out? - Well, take it away ... - Where, blyadyad - well, look, idiot, where am I going to take it away? !!
From life. There are two popular cartoon characters in Israel: BAC and UGA. Their dolls are sold in any self-respecting Israeli shop. While shopping in the Tel Aviv supermarket, I notice my mother with a boy of years, commercials, five (from former Russians). She asked in Russian: - Buy you UZU? And take the child and say: "I want BATSA! .. They pumped me for a long time ..."
The most terrible psychological attack - sailors, galloping on zebras on mattresses.
Fotomodels were married: a guy and a girl. The wedding night. They are in bed 10, 20 ...., 40 minutes. Then the guy does not stand up and says: - I did not even understand, will someone be fucking us today or not?
Two Estonians Toivo and Uno went fishing. Fishing did not work, we drank all night. In the morning, both have a hangover. ... Toivo ... - Uno you zatchom net on the potato field abandoned ... ... Uno ... where you rowed the boat there I network and set.!
It is a traffic policeman on the road. He brakes Mers and asks: "There are drugs, there are." (and the man takes out a poppy bag). Ment has received his sight and asks further: - The weapon is - Yes. (and the man takes out a kalash) Ment in a shocked state asks: - And what's in your trunk - Two corpses of traffic police, there is a place for a third! "Well then, happy roads ..."
Dormitory. In the room there are three. It's late evening. The boys finally> calmed down and went to bed. The room, of course, is dark, but the eyes are already used and see something. The "Bazaar" has already decayed, a dream is rolling. Suddenly a door opens and a girl enters the room from the lighted corridor, as if to her home. It is clear that she made a mistake with a door or even a floor with whom she had not been. > Not including the light, so as not to disturb sleeping or falling asleep girlfriends,> the girl starts to undress. Sleep as a hand took off. The boys, with bated breath,> literally got into beds, being afraid to move. At all on mind the main question:> "To whom? Who is the lucky one?" Behind the scenes, everyone decided to play to the victorious. > The girl ends up undressing. Become in the middle of the room (here it is,> the decisive minute!), It is sweet so stretches and says:> - Oh, girls, fuck something as you want! ...> And the guys broke down. Wild laughter scared the whole hostel. The dudes fell on the floor. Devaha almost did not give birth. She broke down from the room. Then I returned to rake up things, but the guys have not seen it yet. They did not see anything for a long time because of the tears streaming into three streams.
- The patient was stabbed before death? - And how! 7 stab wounds.
Ilya Muromets left in a clean field, he sees three tracks in front of him ... Ilyushenka became thoughtful, twisted 100 bucks into a tube, and sniffed all three.
A person can not be considered a full-fledged citizen of Ukraine, if he at least once did not lick the battery of the Crown and the frozen swing ...
My colleague called from home and gave instructions on how to get a document from her on the computer :. - So, the folder "My Documents" - yeah ... - there you go in the folder "X @ ynya" - EEE ... There are 2 folders: "every x @ ynya" and "x @ ynya, worse than any x @ yni" . Do I need anything? - the second ... - There! - So, there you go in the folder "on @ bistika." - Has come ... - Excellent. There in the folder "@ buchiy Rostov" - the document "Additional agreement." Ivanov. " Here you need it.
There are two fans on Khreshchatyk. "Oh, and they'll put us Italians in one fourth of the finals today," one sobs. "Oh, they'll put it in," the second one agreed. - And then in the semi-finals the Germans will be stuck, and in the final - the Brazilians ...
- And there donuts with condensed milk were sold? - To tell the truth, I hear about tampons with condensed milk for the first time ...
"Misha, Misha, why did you paint your horse's lips in red?" - She is woman. "Why are your ears blue?" - She froze!
I smoked a cigarette and saved the horse!
Question to the motorists: what do you mean by "autobiography"?
When computers were large - programs were small ...
From nothing so does not suffer a girl's pride, as from her unaffected honor.
She was such a caring wife and so she cared for her husband that she always used strangers.
The rider can be without a head. A horse can not afford this.
Man came from a woman.
In the films about homosexuals there are no good and bad heroes. There are only pretty and disgusting.
Ugly women do not exist! there are men, exhausted spermotoksikozom.
The first sign of poisoning with fungi is the blueing of the corpse.
If someone called you a stinky goat - take care of it!
... and crap.
Prison is a lack of space, compensated by excess time.

"Now get down on your knees and swear allegiance to democracy!" "I swear, Lord!"
The oldest profession is a prostitute. The second oldest is a thief. The third ancient politician is the result of a natural symbiosis of the first and second.
The purest, brightest and highest is friendship! People's wisdom and outstanding thinkers do not tire of this. So why are women offended if they are invited to remain friends in the morning?
From the news on the radio: - The participants of the beauty contest got acquainted with the members of our jury!
A drunk pilot sits down in the cockpit of the plane following the flight Kiev-Moscow. Looks: the co-pilot is in the same condition. - Bastard! We have agreed! Today I drink ... How could you get so drunk in the morning ?! In response, silence. - Okay! To fly then we reach! But who will drive in Moscow?
Look at the DVD. Looked? Now look at the vacuum cleaner.
Somehow, Friday came to visit Robinson and was surprised to see that he was surrounded by six girls. - And who are they ?! - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday!
- Dad, and black - is that in Africa live? "Remember, sonny, Negroes live in Africa, and black people live in Moscow!"
The electrician in the service: "The last patron - for yourself!".
The teleplay. At the table, the participant answers all tricky questions, without using any clues. Moderator: - If you answer the last question, then one million will be yours. Just do not get furious with the question - questions are chosen by the computer. So, are you ready? - Yes! - What is the depth of your wife's vagina? The player frowns for a long time, rubs the back of his head, and finally says: "Call a friend!"
Moscow. Evening. A magnificent silver limousine is slowly rolling down the Tverskaya Street, where two luxurious women are sitting in diamonds and furs, braking each group of people. Suddenly from one of the groups two mountaineers are separated, run up to the limousine and shout: "Devushki!" Devushki! You're looking for prostitutes, right? This is me, mi!
Once Sergei Mikhalkov came to the Conservatory, stood in front of the portrait of Glinka, looked, was silent. And then condescendingly said: - Well, my dear - did not go your hymn, then, did not go!
One manager can fuck everyone, except himself. Two managers can fuck anyone.
"Yes, I'm ready to give my life not only for Franklin, but for Lincoln too!" - What did he say? - He said that not only that for 100 - he will get away with the dollar ...
Announcement "From hand to hand": I sell sado-mazdu, kamazosutra, mentovuksuyu cap, gray gibeddshnoe linen, poses for the rear seat.
- What do you think about equality of the sexes? - Not bad idea! Now three days a week, let my wife fuck!
- Happiness - is! ... It is near ... .... Next! .. I said next! .. And there is! ... There is, bitch! ..
Transfer "Smack" ... Makarevich: - I remind you, today we have a guest of Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin ... Vladimir Vladimirovich, what did you prepare ??? - Mmm ... Andrew ... I'm so saying .. mm .. not very good .. mm ... I'm cooking ... so I just shit in this saucer ... and added an ostrich sauce ... try .. - (tries, his face turns green) ... Mmm ... yummy .... yum-yum ... - Not too sharp? - No, no, that you, I would even say too well ...
Group "Hands Up!" released a new album, completely different from all their previous albums ... Now there's a blue cover ...
- The French drink literally everything: salad, meat, fish. In this way they differ from Russians who drink only vodka with wine.
- Three maidens by the window! - They could not stand the balcony.
- Yesterday I was invited to act in porn films. I do not know what to wear. - You, the main thing, take off your hat!
"Why are you sad, Cossack?" - Yes, the hat was blown away by the wind! Some of us with mamaha remained ...
Radical rearrangements in the government of Pakistan. The main asterisk and the shepherd are fired.
"So what if you're Zeus?" And I'm Hercules! - Wow, talking porridge!
- Soloists of the group "Beasts" bitten their producer. Now the band is called "The Critters" ... - And today they stole his wallet from him. Buy a new album of the band "Mrazi"!
NEW for men: Gay for the shower!
A man comes to a travel agency and tells the clerk. - I'm a fan of extreme tourism, what can you offer me such a thing? - Here, we dress you in a heat-resistant suit, give out an alpenstock and send it to Kamchatka. Your goal is to go around the mouth of an active volcano. - And what about this extreme? No-ee, I will not get through ... - Well, then we put on you a wetsuit, give out a knife and send it to the jungles of Congo. Your goal is to swim across a wide river, crawling with crocodiles ... - Garbage ... I would have something more abrupt ... - Okay, we dress you in a warm jacket, give out a backpack ... - I'd like to guess! You will send me to the Arctic, my goal is to cross the North Pole ... - No, we will send you to London, and your goal is to cross it from end to end on the metro ...
In one of the small towns the theater gave Ostrovsky's "Storm" through the passage. As many, probably, remember, there is a scene of a self-throwing of a body in the river. To mitigate the effects of falling, mats were usually used. And usually they were not taken with them, but were searched on the spot (in schools, gyms). And here came a bummer: no, they do not give, no one, and so on. In one place they were offered a trampoline. There is nothing to be done, they took it, but in turmoil (or deliberately forgot to warn the actress.) And imagine a scene: the heroine with a shout rushes into the river ... and flies away ... With a cry ... And so several times ... The actors struggle with difficulty the scene is tragic), the audience in a trance ... At this moment one of the people standing on the stage says: - Yes ... Does not take Mother Volga ...
From life. One good artist was very poor and friends finally found a job for him - teaching drawing to two girls 9 and 12 years old from a stiff, mossy professorial family. And the artist had another talent - he scared terribly, he could not talk without it. But he promised to remain silent while in class. So, first lesson. Girls are sitting, he says through their teeth: - Here are the brushes, here are the colors, here are the easels. Start painting, but do not ask me anything. And if there is a question - you give me - HUYAK, a note ...
The soul asks for romance, but for the pop of adventure.
Kuchma returned from Koncha-Zaspa, finished and sleepy ...
Regardless of what exactly you are looking for on the Internet, your search criteria will correspond to at least one porn site.
Help your grandchildren. Tastier than bread and "Rama" nothing in life is not eaten.
For that, Ctrl-C - for that and Ctrl-V.
Ointment "Werewolf". Rubbed into trust.
Piecework from gravediggers: nine graves were dug up, the tenth was yours!
The best remedy for influenza is to put an aspirin tablet on your stomach and rub it with another abdomen until it is completely absorbed ...
In connection with the declining demand for custom-made murders, criminals took up the search for orders for custom rapes ...
If you ran a black cat, a black mouse, a black bug, a black granddaughter ... then the grandfather pulled out a high-voltage cable instead of a turnip.
For one little child - give three five-year plan.

"And my mother, when I got married, stabbed a pig." "For the wedding?" "No ... I just freaked out ..."
"Kostya, listen, we're one team with you, we're from the first class together, and everything we do we do together too ... only you know, my girlfriend somehow does not like it ..."
"Do you understand jokes?" - Your - yes!
- Mom, this is Vasya. We met him in bed.
In St. Petersburg put a monument to a cat. In the evening he became the favorite toilet of dogs.
Krutov was not allowed to work as a milkmaid - she did not know the profession. She had to arrange for a kindergarten teacher.
- Yesterday my husband first washed his socks! "What's gotten into him?" - I forgot to take them off when I took a bath ...
From the telecast: "The New Pope is a true reformer: he had his personal email box for the first time among popes since St. Peter's time."
An amusing message on the local radio: "A well-known Chelyabinsk artist, working in the style of bodu-art, opens an Easter eggs exhibition for Easter."
These strange Russians ... Almost all Russians believe that universal military duty is necessary, but almost everyone tries to cut off from it. Some mass split consciousness ...
In the restaurant: - You steak with blood or will you pay?
- We welcome you aboard the Abkhazian airlines! We ask passengers of business class to fasten, and the rest to fasten safety belts.
Inventory in the Moscow Zoo: - Here are the cobra. 20 coils of 50 meters. Chinese dwarf ponies - 2 buckets ...
"He's getting married!" Do you have any money? Tell me, please, what are you going to support my girl? - Yes, my father has 17 oil wells, and I have 2 million bucks on the account. I'll feed it somehow. - Daughter - go for a walk, I need to talk! Why do you need this petayushnitsa? You need a more mature woman.
The sobering-up spree on Gagarin Street invites all his friends to a meeting of graduates. We will notice, we will sit!
If the mother-in-call calls and asks how to replace the bulb in the bathroom - the correct answer should begin with the words "Pour a full bath of water ...".
The funeral procession is approaching the cemetery. Entrance to the cemetery through a wide gate with an arch. On the arch it is written: "We Remember, We Love, We Grieve". We went in, informed, said goodbye, raised, wept, buried. They raised it again, cried, went to the exit. Exit through the same wide gate, with an arch. On the arch it is written: "We Remember, We Love, We Wait".
Working parents, children who can not ask for alms ... Well, just a shame of the gypsy family!
In the showroom. - Hello! I would like to buy from you this car on credit at 10% per annum ... - And what, our price is not enough for you ?!
- Dad! And why do you go to the sauna with your friends when you can wash yourself at home? - Sonny, my dad does it - he goes to the sauna with his friends, and he's washed at home ...
- How to check the accountant for stress resistance? - Put the write protection on the floppy disk.
2008 year. Roman Abramovich in "Matrosskaya Tishina". All property, assets, shares and other Labuda are divided and sold. The question remains unanswered: "What should I do with Chelsea?". Soon the question was solved. The whole team moves to the Urals. From now on, Chelsea is the team of the Chelyabinsk Building Institute ...
Conversation of two men: - Does your wife go to work? - He walks. - Correctly! I do not give my own ticket either.
Desert, heat, a sultry wind carries red-hot sand, the scorching sun kills all life ... The exhausted man crawls along the barkhana and whispers: "Congestion!"
The developer's conversation with the manager. - And what will happen if we cut the project deadlines? Weeks for two? - For professional cynologists this is called "knitting" ...
Stuttering surgeon: Pee-pee-pee!
The brazen assistant: Saw?
Surgeon: Pee-pee!
Assistant: not the time of the seias for "pi-pi".
Surgeon: D-d-dur. Pi-tweezers.
Assistant: Himself mediocrity! On!
Surgeon: Ska-ska-ska!
Assistant: Tell me! Say it!
Surgeon: Sca-scalpel.
Assistant: Finally. Hold it!
Surgeon: There-there!
Assistant: Where, where?
Surgeon: There-there!
Assistant: But where?
The Surgeon: There-there-pon.
Assistant: Ugh, hell. Here!
Surgeon: For-for!
Assistant: Infectious ???
Surgeon: Behind-the-clamp.
Assistant: My God. Frightened only. On!
Surgeon: Ig-uh!
Assistant: The Vodka?
Surgeon: Ig-uh!
Assistant: Inhale deeply - and will pass.
Surgeon: Ig-needle with n-n-thread.
Assistant: Ha! So there is no!
Surgeon: For-for!
Assistant: And there are no more clamps!
Surgeon: For-bastard! Over-filled with op-op-tion!
Assistant: It's okay, bandages for-you'll tie! The butcher's bloody!
Surgeon: Uh-uvolu!
Assistant: A spit! You, I suppose, too, not just from the clinic to our morgue drove!
A woman comes to the doctor to find out the result of a pregnancy test. The doctor informs her of the joyful news and, having learned that this is her first pregnancy, asks if she has any questions. "Yes, doctor, I'm a little scared of the pain that comes with childbirth." How much can it hurt? - Well, their intensity varies from woman to woman and from pregnancy to pregnancy, so it will be difficult to explain it to you. - Well, at least approximately! The doctor, after a moment's thought, responds: "Very well." Grasp two fingers for the upper lip and pull it forward. - So? - Yet.? - So? - A bit more? - Like this? - Yes. Does it hurt so much? - Little. - Good. Now try to pull it on the back of the head.
Excursion at the factory of rubber products. The first shop. Sounds: Shh-sh-bah! Shh-shh-bah! Shh-shh-bah! Sightseer: What's this? Director: This shop produces nipples for children's bottles. Sound "Shshshsh" - it's vulcanization, Sound "bang" - this is piercing a hole. The next shop is a condom. Sounds: Shhsh-shshshsh-shshshsh-bah! Shhsh-shsh-shsh-shsh-shsh-bah! Sightseer: Is there a hole in every third condom? Director: Of course! Need nipple users!
Dad stayed with a small daughter alone and in the evening can not put her to sleep. Tried everything. My daughter says: - Whisper to my ear, as to my mother. Papa whispers something. My daughter, falling asleep: - No, no! Tired like a dog!
- Mom, today, when the guests came, I did a good deed. - What? "The brother quietly put a button on the guest's chair, and I waited until he started to sit down, and at that moment removed the chair from under him.
A little daughter is sitting on her father's lap. Next to her bed is her newly born brother, whom she treats with pleasure. "You know, honey," the father says, "today one person offered a lot of money for your little brother." Do not sell it to us? The girl shook her head. "But think how many wonderful things we can buy with this money ..." "No, Daddy, we'll wait until he grows up, then we can sell it more dearly ..."