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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Woman at the appointment with a male dentist. Lies on an armchair, his mouth is frozen, the doctor carefully drills something. Then the patient’s cell phone begins to burst. After the fifth call, the doctor can’t stand it: he grasps furiously at the receiver: - Alla !!! - Alee !!! (also male voice) Doctor: - Who are you ?? !!! MG: - HUSBAND !!!! Doctor: - Listen, husband, I’ll finish right now, she will spit and call you back !!!
A man comes to the store, looks around. He said to the seller: - Please give me that porcelain rat. - This is not a rat. This is a bust of Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. - Ah * to eat! Give me two!
Firefighters never liked the pioneers for their hymn, "Blue Nights Bonfire ..."
Note to young parents: If you do not want Putin to be the first word your baby says, do not leave your child next to the TV on.
The official appeal of all moviegoers of the world to the citizens of America: Please follow the rules of attending a movie theater and do not get up while watching, shit. We then watch.
The grandfather tells the story to his grandson: - The Germans came to our village, built all the peasants and said: "Choose: either we will oust you or shoot you." - Grandfather, and then what ??? - They shot me, granddaughters, shot me ...
Mother writes a letter to her son in prison: "It's hard, son, without you. Spring is in the yard, potatoes are soon to be planted, and there is no one to dig up the garden." The son writes the answer: "Mom, do not dig a garden. You will accumulate one that will plant you and add me a term." Answer from the mother: "Son, after your letter the cops arrived, shoveled the whole garden, didn’t find anything, they left the evil ones, cursed." Son: "Mom, than I could - that helped. Plant the potato yourself."
“Woman, you are so beautiful in this toilet today!” -Male, you cheeky, close the door!
A new version of the old parable. Three blind men were asked: what is an elephant? The first one felt the elephant by the trunk and said: “The elephant is such a thick hose.” The second felt the elephant by the tail and said: - The elephant is a rope. The third felt the elephant and said: - Wow! And I would be so !!
- Where were you? - Here is a volume of Lermontov, open on page 158 ... - But she's torn out! - Well, and what do you think - where I was
The teacher takes the “Playboy” from the student: - I want to see your parents tomorrow. - Why wait tomorrow? Look - page 42-43.
One blonde asks another: - What are you dreaming of? - I dream that once I meet a fairy who will give me one hundred thousand dollars. “Why not a million?” “Well, a million is not real.”
The chief dictates to the secretary an e-mail: - I inform you a comma that the credit a comma we received from you a comma this year we will not be able to give a full stop. Helen, I said a period, not a colon with three brackets!
A man comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, I have a nightmare every night: I dream that I am dragging a train of cars from Moscow to St. Petersburg. In the morning - there are no forces. doctor: - Hmm, a difficult case. And you try at least half to Bologoy. man: - Thank you, doctor. A week later, the same man again had this doctor: “Doctor, I have a new nightmare: I dream that I have ten women per night.” I can’t get out of bed in the morning. doctor: - And you try to limit yourself to five. man: - Or maybe better than three? And then I still have to drag the train to Bologoy.
- How many people work in your company? “Well, a maximum of half.”
Announcement: To a taxi driver who has found in his car a forgotten box with 280 cans of red caviar - LET YOU GIVE UP !!
A man comes into the pharmacy and says loudly: - I need a pack of condoms, please! A young saleswoman blushed and whispers: “Can’t it be quieter?” Man: - So after all there is nobody! Saleswoman: - And I ?! Pause. Man (in an intimate voice): - So, do I need to close the door with a key?
A former classmate and classmate are talking: - Do you remember how we were caught in the 8th grade when we smoked under the stairs? - Yes ... well, we managed to get dressed again!
The den of bears. Papa Bear is reading the newspaper, Mummy Bear is preparing dinner, the little bear cub is playing. Then he comes to the Pope and says: “Dad, and Dad show me the puppet theater.” - You, Che son you do not see, I'm busy. “Well, Dad, please show.” - Okay. The papa bear walks to the bed and pulls out two human skulls from under it and puts them on its paws and says in different voices: “Petrovich, are there bears here?” - Yes, what kind of bears on x @ th.
The mother’s son calls: - Hello, mother, I’m about to get married. - Great, son. - Mom, but the fact is that she is a black woman. - It's okay, son, my dad and I are not racists. - Mom, she has three children ... - Nonsense, we love children. - But the fact is that we have nowhere to live. “And just that?” Come to us, in our cozy one-room apartment, you and your wife and children will live in the room, dad in the pantry. - And you, mother, where? “And I, son, will hang up now and hang myself.”
A man comes to a sex therapist and says: - My wife doesn’t want, I want, but she doesn’t ... - I see, we’ll take a pill now ... Come home, throw a pill in my wife’s tea and think: let me eat one, and then suddenly she wants and I do not. The evening. Bedroom. Both are turning around in bed: Wife: - Dear, put me in! Husband: - Who would put me in!
A drug addict rides in a tram, the controller approaches: - Your ticket. The addict raises two fingers up (like Victory). Controller: - What is it? Nark: - Hare.
Two students enter the classroom for English. The teacher says: - Sit dоwn! One to another: - Listen, what did he say? - He said: "Get a moron!"
“Dad, lend me a car with the girl for the evening.” - Take it, but there is no gasoline. “But we don’t need to.”
Once upon a time there was Little Red Riding Hood, though her hat was gray from a wolf, she just carried it with the meat out.
A dude is walking along the street, sees an open sewer hatch. He approaches, yells at him: - "E * your mother!" From the hatch in response: - "Your mother e *!" Dude thought and yelled: - "Your mother e *!" The echo answered: - "E * your mother!" Well, here the cupcake was completely stunned and howls: - "Your mother e *, e * your mother!" From the hatch: - "Go to x * th, do not bother to work!"
Riding in a compartment man and woman. A man is reading a newspaper. An hour ride, two, three hours on the road. The woman fidgets, finally unable to stand it, she says: “I am young, you are young, I am quite attractive, there is nobody in the compartment.” Don't you really want me? The man puts down the newspaper and answers: - I always said that it is better to wait an hour than to persuade three hours.
A guy walks along the beach and sees a beautiful girl. He comes up to her and says: - Girl, you can’t smoke? She gives him a cigarette. - What about the light? She gives him a lighter. - And maybe we will meet? “Can't you give a drum?” - What for? - Lead the column going to hell!
Going in a compartment Georgians and a girl. She's on the bottom shelf, he's on the top. In the evening, a note comes down to her on a rope: if you want me - pull the rope 1 time, if not - 60 times and the last ten quickly ...
The patient comes to the urologist. He takes out his household and puts it on the table. Doctor: - Does it hurt? - No - Little? - Not! - Too big? - No!!!! - So then? - Really good?
Four stolen boys catch a taxi. One of them says: Addict: - Right now we’ll catch a taxi so that everyone sat silent, otherwise the taxi driver will understand that we are stoned ... Well, the taxi stops, the boys get in. They're coming, they are going ... Suddenly, the driver turns to them and asks: - Guys, have you been smoked ??? Addict: - And how did you guess ??? Taxi driver: - Yes x% ... They climbed four in the front seat, and they are silent !!
Vovochka went to school in first grade and already in the first lesson said to the teacher: - Mary Vanya, I'm too smart for the first grade! Let me right away in the third! That leads him to the director: so, they say, and so. Director: - Well then! Let's check it out! And how much, Vova, will be 3 x 3? Little Johnny: - 9! - Right! And how much will be 6 x 6? - 36! - Right! I think Mary Ivanna, we can transfer him to 3rd grade! Mar Ivanna: - And let me ask him for logical thinking! That's what, Vovochka, a cow has 4, but I have two? Little Vovochka (thinking): - Feet! - Hmm, but what do you have in your pants, but I don’t? The stiffened director didn’t even have time to open his mouth, as Vova said: “Pockets!” Teacher: - That's right, come on, Vova, blow in the third grade! Director: - But I think, Mariya Vanna, that Vova can be immediately transferred to the 5th grade, because I had other answers to the last two questions!
A company of riot police eliminated the hemp field, an area of ​​2 hectares. After which she declared herself a division and went into space to fight with the Pokemon.
A lecture on psychology begins at the university. Sitting comfortably at the department, professor: - Today, fellow students, we will study with you three similar stages of the human psyche: surprise, irritation, and anger. Let's look at a specific example ... After taking out the phone from the portfolio, the professor dials the first number that appears. - Hello, can I take Vasya? - You know, this one doesn’t live here ... - Well, the professor says smiling, this is just a slight surprise. Look further. He dials the number again. - Hello, but Vasya did not come? “He said there aren’t any here ... Rubbing his hands, the professor winks conspiratorially at the audience.” - pecked. Well, now ... The third time he dials a number. - So Vasya is not? - Yes, you went ... - Well, comrades, I hope you understand the example. Let's proceed to the theoretical part ... A young man gets up from the first desk. - Excuse me, professor, but you forgot the fourth stage. - Which one? - Stage of complete fucking. Approaching the department, a young man dials a number. - Good afternoon. This is Vasya. Nobody called me?
A man sits at the push. Suddenly he hears from a neighboring booth: - Hello. He thought, why would it suddenly ... but still, thinking, he answered: - Well hello. - How are you? - Yes, it seems normal. - Listen, I'll call you back, otherwise one moron is talking to me here.
- Dear girls! Do you have dry skin? Rare hair? Sfigura problems? Come to us! We are dark and we are drunk.
Doorbell. - Hello, I'm your neighbor ... - Top or bottom? - Che, like that right away?
Sleeping at work is a sin, not for that you are given free internet there!
The phone rings. Little Johnny picks up the phone: - Ale? No, Masha can’t come up, her mouth is busy. When I finish, she will call you back. She hangs up and explains to her dead parents: - They didn’t get there.
A woman calls the Good-for-an-Hour service of good services and asks to send a master. - And what have you broken? - Yes ... here ... the toilet is flowing and another chandelier is blinking ... - Well, the master will arrive in an hour with a little. “No,” the lady says angrily. “Better in two, but with more!”
- Mother? You? And how to stick an onion - right? Or so? - Daughter! Don't be foolish! Take the cucumber! - WOW !!!
Vovochka invited Masha to tea. Parents, naturally, are not at home. I bought a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes, a cake and a bouquet of flowers. Sitting, waiting for Mashenka. Suddenly, the thought: "Masha from a good family, I probably won’t drink. I hid the bottle. She waits on, then she thought again:" Masha from a good family, I probably won’t smoke ?. He hid the cigarettes. A doorbell - Masha with a briefcase and in school uniform. - Che such an outfit? - So tomorrow morning to school!
A grandmother selling flowers tells a peasant passing by: - ​​My dear, buy a bouquet - it will be a week. - True?! Come on four!
The husband sees his wife washing the floor with CANCER. He comes up from behind, picks up his wife's dress and begins to fuck her. He finished, the wife straightens up, he kisses her on the lips and gives a slap in the face. She asks him: - For what? The husband answers her: “A kiss for beautiful sex, and a slap in the face for not even looking at who it is.”
The blind man picks up a grater, fumbles with his hands for a long time and indignantly says: - Who, b @ #% b, wrote such x% $ # y ?!
In a pharmacy near the window, a guy of about 20 stands thoughtfully. Saleswoman: - Young man! Can I help you? What condoms do you need? The guy is sad: - Late ... Diapers and baby food, please!
- Darling, what is your most cherished desire? - That you kissed me in three places ... - Wow! This is what favorite? - In Paris, Venice and the Bahamas.
A drunk man is lying in a puddle opposite the convent. The nuns got out of the window and pinned above him. A man with a willpower raises his face from a puddle and yells: “Yes, I’ll get to sleep tomorrow and come and fuck your whole monastery!” The next day he overslept and felt ashamed. Gathered and went to the monastery: - Excuse me, I went over yesterday, I did not know what I was saying! Nuns, in unison: - Get out of here, yap!
Bill Clinton is flying a two-seater with his wife, she is offended by something and he decides to amuse her. He nods to the pilot: - Do you want me to give him $ 5, will he kiss my hand? She: - Fi .. - Do you want him to give him $ 100, will he kiss my leg? She: - Fi .. The pilot turns: - I’ll throw the bowls right now, you’ll suck me ...
A confession came to the priest beauty with a deep neckline. The priest looks at the neckline and repeats: "Oh, dear!" A voice comes from heaven: "Well, finally you called me to see something worthwhile!"
Why did the Russians win gold in shooting at the trench stand, knocking out of 150 targets, 149 were not enough cartridges, the athlete from China was shot first.
Little Gogi brings his father a diary: - wai, wai, wai Gogi pachem deuce pa fisculturi, you have such a sparty, tight-fisted little boy? - Dad, the teacher of fyzkultury mane says: - The Gogi’s fallen feet, I fell. - I’m secretive. and I told him: - and I’ll be on the cheat. I’ll stand, and he will give me a deuce. Father thought, and really on h..y stand or something: - My little kid, he did the right thing, man. On the second day, little Gogi brings his father a diary: - wai, wai, wai Gogi pachem deu pa mathematicians, you have such a smart little boy? Dad, a teacher of mathematics mane gawarit: - Gogi, how many will be two times three - prosperity. - and three by two, and I told him: -What is the x..y difference, and he gives me a deuce in the diary. -and it’s true, and what the hell is the difference ... my little boy, I did it right, go for a walk. On the third day, little Gogi brings a deuce: - Wai, Wai, Wai Gogi Pachem deuce pa literature, are you such a smart little boy? dad, a teacher of literature mane says: - Gogi sachini rhyme pra pitushka - I sachinil: cockerel, cockerel - a covered mushroom, a wound rises in the morning for children spat does not give. pid ... such a -and the truth, son, fag ... ace a cock if you don’t give datkam ne, smart boy, go for a walk. The next day: Dad, Maine from school Signals. Pachem? - they called me to the teachers' council, I’ll go to the teacher’s room, and there are teachers of mathematics, fisculture, literature, drawing ... “By the time, but on x ... I’m yawning. So I’m chewing on them, and on x ... I’m a yawning teacher? ...
Village. Morning. Father wakes son: - Get up, let's go mow! - Dad, don’t mow, it still won’t work ... - So, what did I say ?! Get up immediately and go mow! Okay, there’s nothing to do, the son gets up, they take the braids and go to the field. They come to the field, the father begins to mow, the son says: - Dad, I have a dumb braid, I’m going home, sharpening. - Well, if such a thing - go. The son goes home and tells his mother: - Mom, Dad said that you would have cooked dumplings and bought vodka! - Well, if Dad said, then I’ll do it now - mother sets dumplings to cook. The son puts the scythe in place and goes back to the field and says to his father: “Fuck, my mother cooked dumplings there and bought vodka, says that we should go home!” - Well, if so, let's go! Going home. Meanwhile, the mother cooked dumplings and went to the store for vodka. Father and son come home, look - the dumplings are cooked, there is no vodka or mother. The father, without understanding anything, says to his son: - There is no mother, no vodka ... How can dumplings be without vodka? For money, go buy it! The son goes for vodka and enters the neighbor along the road. He says: - Uncle Misha, Dad found out that you and your mother are lovers, he wants to kill you ... The neighbor is scared: - Well, damn it, you have money, just wring me in front of your dad .. - Okay. - takes the money, goes to the store, buys vodka, comes home and tells his father: - Fuck, there the neighbor asked me to help the pig slaughter. - Ah, well, if I asked, then I need help! - takes an ax and goes to a neighbor. A neighbor looks out the window - sees, there is a dad with an ax. "Well - he thinks - my son didn’t," He jumps out the window and hides in a corn field. The father comes, looks, there is no neighbor, the pig runs around the yard, he hacked it and went back. At this time, the mother comes from the store, and her son says: - Mom, Dad found out that you and your neighbor are lovers! He took the ax and left ... Mother looks out the window and sees her husband with a bloody ax. "Everything - thinks - Khan to me!" Jumps out the window and hides in a corn field. The father comes home and says to his son: - Damn, what is it? There is no mother, no neighbor, where the hell are they all ?! - Yes, they are there, in a corn field, somersaulting! - What the fuck ?? - the father roars, grabs the ax and runs off into the corn field ... The son sits down at the table, pours himself vodka, puts a dumpling on the fork and, looking at the corn field, philosophically says: “Oh, father-father ... I told you that mowing today will not work ... "
- I bought kids champagne for children on New Year's. So they drank these revolutions, tried them, tried children's cigarettes, children's vodka, called children's women! So in the morning I had to run for a baby beer !!
The programmer tells his friends, the same as he: - Yesterday at a nightclub I met a cool blonde! - Wow! - Then I invited her to my place, we drank with her, I began to caress her. - Great! - Then she says to me: "Undress me!" - Cool! - I took off her panties, put it on the table and right on the keyboard ... - No shit, you bought a computer? What processor?
Blonde - to friends: - Yesterday I met a programmer in a nightclub. - Wow! - Then he invited me to his place, we drank with him, and he began to caress me. - Great! - And then I told him: "Undress me!" - Cool! - He took off my underpants ... - Not a damn thing, are you walking in underpants ???
Three degrees of male fullness: - because of the large abdomen you can not see your cock; - it is not visible whether a member is or not; - You don’t see who gives you a blowjob.
In the Tretyakov Gallery in front of the picture are two experts: - Wow! You just look how lovely! What a technique! What color! The magic palette! - Yes, excellent! And what a game of colors! Pay attention to how delightfully the first rays of the sun are woven into the general harmony of life of awakening nature. What a gamut of copyright feelings !! - Yes! Inimitable! But these emerald glare on the water gives aesthetic freshness to the whole canvas! - Brilliant! - Yes! But the frame, then, sir, is a complete n # zdets! - I completely agree with you, my friend, sing $ en-s, and not a frame, puke sickeningly ..
A terrible accident on the road. The driver and passenger died. A road patrol drove up at the scene only a monkey who wanders sadly around a wrecked car. “It's a pity you can't speak,” the corporal laments, looking at the belly. The monkey shakes his head mournfully. - Do you understand? - the policeman is amazed. The monkey nods. - Can you help restore the picture of the accident? Nod. - So what happened there? The monkey depicts the process of drinking from a bottle. “Did they drink?” The monkey nods. - And also? Monkey depicts the smoking process. - Smoked marijuana ?! The monkey nods. - May be something else? The monkey extends its lips and smackes the air. - KISSING ?! The monkey nods. The police have a shock. - Well, what did you do? “Driving a car,” the monkey shows.
Once my girlfriends invited me to a "bachelorette party." I informed my husband about this, and promised to return no later than midnight. "I promise, I'll be home at twelve - like a bayonet!" I assured ardently. The party was wonderful! Champagne was delicious, and time passed completely unnoticed. As a result, I, drunk in the insole, trudged home at about three in the morning. As soon as I crossed the threshold, the cuckoo on the clock in the living room prokukovat three times !!! Realizing in a moment that my husband could wake up when he heard a cuckoo, and I won’t be able to escape the 3.14-inch dule, I did not hesitate to crouch nine more times. If he heard a cuckoo, let him think it is midnight. Secretly proud of my ingenuity, I sneaked into the bedroom with my mouse and quietly lay down under the side of my strict husband. The next morning at breakfast, he asked me when I returned. Having built an innocent face, I said: “Exactly at twelve.” Just the clock in the living room struck midnight. - Yes, I heard. The husband calmly answered. Wow! It seems that I managed to avoid a scandal! After a short pause, the husband said: “Honey, we urgently need to change the cuckoo in the clock.” - ???? “Yesterday, I heard the cuckoo crow three times, then say:“ Look! ”, Four more times, then coughed, 3 times again, giggled and two more crowed, stepped on the cat and farted.
On the beach there is a man with a deck of cards. I saw two girls and decided to approach them: - Girls! In preference or point? - And where is this in preference ?!
Sunny weather, a happy hedgehog runs through the forest ... an apple on his back, he runs happy, just such a touching picture - a hedgehog with an apple on his back. And so he runs, runs and then runs out into the clearing, and there a girl collects berries, such a little girl, about 7-8 years old, in a pink dress, well, the picture is also just like from fairy tales, everything is fine, just fine, nothing bad not foreshadowed, and the hedgehog runs up to the girl and begins to sniff his legs (well, it happens, it’s so simple for fun). And then the girl breaks down, grabs a hedgehog by the legs and starts to beat him with a dope about a stump, then about a knee, generally kicks as soon as she can in her 7-8 years old, then swinging over his head and throwing him in a ditch, and there a man sits - the whole one is beaten, the eye is not visible, everything is swollen, the ears are blue, the lips are also, the nose is broken five times, and he asks the hedgehog: -Was you seen the girl in the meadow? The hedgehog barely twirling his tongue answers: - Yeah .. - Tell me the idiot?! ...
A girl comes to the car shop and asks the seller: - Do you have sensors? - What are the sensors? - Well, such that when I in the ass gave lamps light up ...
I love my job so much! I can watch her for hours.
“Why are some fathers allowed to attend birth?” - As compensation for the absence at conception!
In the middle of the class, Vovochka with a bandaged head enters the class. Annoyed reader: - Hy, what happened this time? - Fell from the fifth floor. - And so, flew as many as two ypoka?
- What do we have for supper today? - Jacket potatoes! - But today is a holiday !? - Then in the front door!
“Carlson, the puppy in the corner shit again.” - And where did he shit, on the closet, or what? There only I can!
Announcement in the hospital: "Tomorrow in the Department of Dystrophy a concert will be held for subtle connoisseurs of classical music."
If someone told you “Fool!”, Do not rush to think that he is smart, maybe he just introduced himself.
- Do you have anal sex? - Only for debts ...
“This writing is not easy,” Vasily Sergeyev, who works as a loader in a publishing house, often tells friends.
1999 My friend and I after three pins of beer cross the street. On the right is a shiny 600th Mercedes with tinted windows. We pass by, a friend in a fit of hatred and under the influence of alcohol gives out: "Here is sssuka!" The tinted glass closest to us slowly falls, a huge evil face appears, which smiles the whole width of the Merc and says: "Yes, I am." A curtain.
A man came to the clinic, wants to register with the urologist at the registry, but hesitates to say it out loud. Therefore, it starts in a roundabout way: - Write me to the doctor. - To which? - Well, how would it be ... Well - to x # evy ... - Man, we, in general, are all doctors x # evy. - No, you do not understand ... Me - to the very # x ... ... - It will not work out - the head doctor is on vacation with us!
- Are you stealing beets? - Why are you, I pull it up to grow faster.
A man who came from Corsica tells: - All these rumors about theft in Corsica are greatly exaggerated. If you count the fingers after you greet someone, they will usually be in place.
The Corsican proudly says to the visitor: - They steal from us so that in many places the railway is laid in rings. - What for? - So that the driver can make sure that all the cars are in place.
Aunt calls the rescue service: in our courtyard on a tree a bear sits. An hour later an amball knocks on the door, with him a pit bull terrier: - In general, that’s my name is Kolya, his name is Kefirchik. The action plan is this: you take a gun, stand at the window, I climb a tree, push a bear, it falls, Kefirchik grabs his balls and drags him to the zoo. All clear? - That's all, but why am I at the window, with a gun? - this is in case I fall, Kefirchik’s urine
The crest drags the hare home and tells his wife: - On, fry it for me in fat. - So we don’t have fat ... - So fry it in oil. - We do not have oil. - So fry it for me just like that! - Ah, we don’t have gas. The crest silently takes the hare and throws it out the window. The hare jumps up and shouts: - Long live free Ukraine
The guy and the girl kiss in the entrance, she says: Honey, turn out the light bulb, I’ll take it in my mouth ... And he told her: Du-o-hooray, she’s hot ...
Husband to wife:
“You have a suspicious expression.” One of two things: either you cheated on me, or you are going to cheat.
“Why, maybe both.”

A little boy comes running from the yard and says:
“Aunt Sarah, your Abrashka is eating shit.” Sarah yells out the window:
- Abram, do not eat much, dad will come and we will have dinner.
the child comes from the kindergarten all scratched, tattered .....
parents to him:
- What happened?
- Yes, everything is fine, we were in a kindergarten round dance ...
“Why are you all scratched?”
- So the Christmas tree is big, and the group is small ..........
The purest, brightest and highest is friendship! Both folk wisdom and prominent thinkers do not tire of repeating this. So why are women offended if the next morning they are invited to remain friends?
- Girls, we will come to visit you today!
- Then you have a bottle!
- And you have a snack and women!
The pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if they could have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester they can do it in a normal style. During the second trimester, they should do it like a dog, and during the third trimester they should limit themselves to the style of the wolf. “Wolf style?” The husband asked, “what is this?” "This is when you lie nearby and howl!"
... Two friends are talking.
1- You know, I’ve finished psychology courses.
2- So what can you do?
1- I can control the human mind. Here we bet on a bottle of whiskey that that guy over there will drop off this bridge after I talk to him.
1 comes up to the peasant and asks him who he is by nationality.
- I am American.
1- Do you know that all Swiss banks went bankrupt?
- How so? My money! Why should I live now? And threw himself off the bridge.
2- I can not believe it. It is an accident. We bet on two bottles that you won’t be able to do that.
1- He approaches and asks the man for his nationality.
- I'm French.
1- Do you know that in France all brothels were closed?
“How so, why should I live now?” Dropped from the bridge.
2- I just flash with you. We bet on a box of whiskey that you won’t be able to persuade that guy over there.
1- Approaches a peasant and asks for nationality.
- I'm Russian, so what?
1- Do you know that it is forbidden to dump from this bridge?
- Yes, I shit on your laws! - Dumped from the bridge.

If the kolobok had eggs, he would have beaten them!
Three stoned narcos are coming by car. They stop at a traffic light and stand for a long time. The traffic light flashes: red, yellow, green, yellow, red, yellow, green, yellow ... Two, sitting in the back seat, ask the one who is driving:
- Vasek, what are we worth?
He answered them:
- Yes, I, bl #, do not have time !!!
If in America it is politically correct to call blacks African-Americans, then it may be politically correct for us to call Jews Israeli-Russian.
If an Estonian has overtaken you in Latvia, then you are a Finn.
If smart women were really smart, no one would ever know about it.
- Last year I was lucky enough to kill nine partridges with two shots!
- And you must have shot eggs? Guessed?
“Why don't you shoot this hare?”
“Can't you see him running ?!” Maybe still mad, well, to hell with it!
After a shot of game, the hunter asks his partner:
- Go see what kind of beast I laid
He returns:
“Judging by the passport, his name is Johnson.”
Policeman:
“So, you just drove here?”
- Well, we.
- Have you seen the sign on the turn? I ask: did you see the sign on the turn or not?
- Saw.
- Little son painted!

- And I would like to be the Bolshoi Theater.
- To govern?
- No, to be the Bolshoi itself! Just want to know how you feel when you refuse Volochkova?
- Where are you from?
- From under Peter.
- Now everything is from under Peter. More specifically.
- Bishkek.
- Hello, I'm Elvis Presley!
- He died.
- And I'm of the last strength!
To become rich, you need three things: mind, talent, and a lot of money.
Who found the keys to the tenement apartment? Please do not return!
I read in the newspaper that lobsters and barracuda meat are contraindicated for me - and how to live now ?!
A feature of any forest is that everyone knows the entrance, and few exit ...
It’s easy and simple to beat people of small stature ...
Surface tension is when the exam is free.
Three days and three nights kissed Ivan - the prince sleeping beauty. And then he spat and buried ...
Moscow ... The navel of the earth. If Moscow is a navel, then what about Moscow Region?
If you can’t satisfy a woman vaginally, then you can approach this problem from the other side.
It is known that in Russia there are two troubles ...
And in Belarus - the one, only, eternal, popularly elected.
- This is Artyom. Artyom is the only person in the world who managed to lose an apartment in “What? Where? When?”.
“What happened to Sir Elton John?” That obscure journalists, now ran into Madonna? - And he, you see, menopause began ...
- In Ancient Sparta, ugly and frail children gave birth immediately to the abyss.

- The Leningrad group decided to sing the song of Serdyuchka "Good." Work on remaking the word "good" has already been completed.
American geologists discovered some Arab country over large deposits of American oil ...
The Turkmen parliament decided to extend the term of office of Turkmenbashi for another life.
Announcement: "Former convict willingly sit with your child."
Experienced Timurovs pour water in the garden, take out the trash and go to the store for the right to use the apartment.