My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

A woman at a reception with a male dentist. He is lying on his armchair, his mouth in frost, the doctor is drilling something. Then the patient starts to burst the cell phone. After the fifth bell, the doctor does not stand up: he grabs the phone frantically: "Alla!" - Alye! (Also a male voice) Doctor: - Who are you ?? !!! MG: - HUSBAND !!!! Doctor: - Listen, husband, I'll finish right now, she will spit and call back !!!
A man comes to the store, looks around. Says to the seller: - Give me, please, that porcelain rat. "It's not a rat." This is the bust of Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. - Ah! Give two!
Firefighters never liked the pioneers for their anthem. "Light up the bonfires with blue nights ..."
Note to young parents: If you do not want the first word that your baby said, it was Putin, do not leave the child next to the TV on.
The official appeal of all kinomans of the world to the citizens of America: Please observe the rules of visiting the cinema and do not get up during the viewing, fuck. We then watch.
The grandfather tells the story to his grandfather: "The Germans came to our village, they built all the men and said:" Choose: either we will release you, or shoot you. " - Grandfather, and what next ?? - They shot me, granddaughter, shot ...
The mother writes a letter to her son in prison: "It's hard, son, without you." Spring is in the yard, potatoes are soon planted, but there is nobody to dig up a vegetable garden. " The son writes the answer: "Mom, do not dig a garden. You will accumulate such that you will be imprisoned and I will be given a term". Answer from the mother: "Son, after your letter came the cops, shoveled the whole garden, did not find anything, left the evil, swear." Son: "Mom, what could - helped."
"Woman, you are so beautiful today in this toilet!" -Man, you are insolent, close the door!
A new version of the old parable. Three blind men were asked: what is an elephant? The first one felt the elephant by the trunk and said: "The elephant is such a thick hose. The second touched the elephant's tail and said: "An elephant is a rope." The third felt the elephant and said: - Wow! And I would be so !!
- Where have you been? - Here is a volume of Lermontov, open on page 158 ... - But it is torn out! - Well, and as you think - where I was
The teacher takes from the student Playboy: - I want to see your parents tomorrow. "And why wait tomorrow?" Vaughn - page 42-43.
One blonde asks another: - What are you dreaming about? - I dream that one day I will meet a fairy who will give me a hundred thousand dollars. "Why not a million?" - Well, a million is not real.
The chief dictates the e-mail to the secretary: - I inform you that the comma that we received from you comma this year, we will not be able to give the point. Lenochka, I said the point, not the colon with three brackets!
A man comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, I have a nightmare every night: I dream that I am dragging the train from Moscow to St. Petersburg. In the morning - there are no forces. Doctor: - H-yes, a difficult case. And you try at least half to Bologoe. Man: - Thank you, doctor. A week later, the same guy with this doctor: - Doctor, I have a new nightmare: I dream that I have ten women per night. I can not get out of bed in the morning. Doctor: - And you try to limit to five. Man: - Or maybe better than three? And then I still have the staff to drag to Bologoe.
- How many people work in your company? - Well, a maximum of half.
Announcement: The taxi driver, who found in his car a forgotten box with 280 cans of red caviar, - TO PUT YOU !!
The guy comes into the pharmacy and loudly declares: - I need a pack of condoms, please! The young saleswoman blushed and whispered: "Can not I quietly?" Man: - So there is no one! The saleswoman: - And I ?! Pause. The man (in an intimate voice): - So to me what, a door, whether that, on a key to close?
The former classmate and classmate are talking: - Do you remember how we were caught in the 8th grade when we smoked under the stairs? "Yes ... well, we still managed to get dressed!"
The Bear's Den. Papa-bear reads the newspaper, mother-bear prepares dinner, little bear-boy plays. Then he comes to the Pope and says: - Dad, and Dad show me the puppet theater. - You, Th son you do not see, I'm busy. - Well, Dad, please show me. - Okay. Papa-bear goes to the bed and pulls out two human skulls from under her and puts them on their paws in different voices: - Petrovich, and here there are bears? - Yes, what are the x @ th bears.
My mother's son is calling: - Hello, Mom, I'm going to get married. "Great, son." "Mom, but the fact is, she's a Negress." - Yes, it's okay, son, we're not with Dad racists. - Mom, she has three children ... - Yes, nonsense, we love children. - But the fact is that we have nowhere to live. - And just something? Come to our cozy one-room apartment, you and your wife and children will live in a room, dad in the pantry. - And you, Mom, where? - And I, son, now I'll put the phone down and hang myself.
The man comes to the sex therapist and says: - My wife does not want, I want, but she does not ... - Clearly, now we'll write a pill ... Goes home, throws the pill to his wife in tea and thinks: Give me and I'll eat one, But then she will want to and I will not. The evening. Bedroom. Both vopochayutsya in kpavati: Wife: - Dopogoy, insert me! Husband: - Who would put me in!
The tramman is driving in the tram, the controller comes up: - Your ticket. The addict picks up two fingers upwards (such as Victory). Controller: - What is this? Narc: - Hare.
Two students enter the audience for the surrender of English. The teacher says: - Sit dowwn! To one another: - Listen, what did he say? - He said: "Sit down moron!"
- Dad, lend us a car for the evening. "Take it, but there's no gasoline." - And we do not need.
There was a Little Red Riding Hood, though her hat was a gray wolf, she just wore it with meat outside.
There is a dude down the street, sees an open sewer. He approaches, yells at him: - "E * your mother!" From the hatch in response: - "Your mother e *!" The dude thought and cried: - "Your mother e *!" Echo replied: - "E * your mother!" Well, here the cupcake was completely stunned and how he would scream: - "Your mother, e *, e * your mother!" From the hatch: - "Go to x * d, do not bother to work!"
A man and a woman are traveling in a compartment. A man is reading a newspaper. An hour passes, two, three hours on the road. The woman fidgets, finally, unable to stand, says: - I'm young, you're young, I'm pretty attractive, there's nobody in the compartment. Do not you want me? A man puts down a newspaper and answers: - I always said that it's better to wait an hour than to persuade three hours later.
The guy is walking along the beach and sees a beautiful girl. Approaches her and says: - Girl, you can not have a cigarette? She gives him a cigarette. "And the spark?" She gives him a lighter. - And maybe we'll get acquainted? "Can I not give you a drum?" - What for? - To lead the column going to hell!
Go to the compartments of the Georgian and the girl. She's on the bottom shelf, he's on top. In the evening, a note goes down to her on a rope: if you want me - pull the rope 1 time, if not - 60 times and the last ten quickly ...
The patient comes to the urologist. Gets his farm and puts it on the table. The doctor: - It hurts? - No - Little one? - No! - Too big? - No!!!! "Then what?" "Is the truth good?"
Four fumigated kids catch a taxi. One of them says: Addict: - We'll catch a taxi, So everyone was silent, or the taxi driver will understand that we are stoned ... Well, the taxi stops, the boys sit down. They're driving, they're coming ... Suddenly the driver turns to them and asks: "Men, are you okay?" Addict: - And how did you guess ?? Taxi driver: - Yes x% li ... Climbed in the four in the front seat, and sit silent !!
Vovochka went to school in the first class and already in the first lesson he said to the teacher: - Mar Bath, I'm too smart for the first class! Let me immediately in the third! She leads him to the director: so, they say so. Director: - Well then! Let's check it! And how much, Vova, will be 3 x 3? Vovochka: - 9! - Correctly! And how much will be 6 x 6? - 36! - Right! I think, Mary Ivanna, we can translate it into 3rd grade! Mary Ivanna: - And let me ask him about the logic of thinking! That's what, Vovochka, the cow has 4, but I have two? Vovochka (thinking): - Feet! - Hmm, but what do you have in your pants, but I do not? The fucking director did not even have time to open his mouth, as Vova said: - Pockets! Uchilka: - That's right, come on, Vova, in the third class blow! Director: - But I think, Mary Vanna, that Vova can be transferred to the 5th grade at once, because on the last two questions the answers have come from me!
Riot OMON eliminated the hemp field, an area of ​​2 hectares. After that I declared myself a division and went into space to fight with Pokemon.
A lecture on psychology begins at the university. Conveniently sitting in the chair, Professor: - Today, fellow students, we will study with you three similar stages of the human psyche: surprise, irritation and anger. Consider a specific example ... Taking out the phone from the portfolio, the professor dials the first number. - Hello, and Vasya can? "You know, this one does not live here ..." "There," said the professor, smiling, "it's just a slight surprise. Look further. Dials the number again. - Hello, and Vasya did not fit? - Said, there are no such ... Rubbing his hands, the professor conspiratorially winks the audience. - He spat. Well, now ... The third time dialing the number. "So Vasya does not?" - Yes you went ... - Well, comrades, I hope you understand the example. Let's proceed to the theoretical part ... From the first desk a young man gets up. "Forgive me, Professor, but you have forgotten the fourth stage." - This is what? - Stage full fucking. Approaching the chair, the young man dials a number. - Good afternoon. This is Vasya. Nobody called me?
A man is sitting on a jerk. Suddenly he hears from the next booth: - Hello. He thought, why would it suddenly ... but all the same, after a moment's thought, he answered: "Well, hello." - How are you? - Yes, it seems normal. "Listen, I'll call you back, or one moron here is talking to me."
- Dear girls! Do you have dry skin? Rare hair? Problems with figs? Come to us! We are dark and we are drunk.
Call in the door. - Zdpavstvuyte, I'm your neighbor ... - Svepkhu or from below? "Che, is that right?"
Sleeping at work is a sin, not for that you are given free Internet!
The phone rings. Vovochka picked up the receiver. "Ale?" No, Masha can not come up, her mouth is busy. When I finish, she will call you back. He puts down the phone and explains to his fucking parents: "We did not get there."
The woman calls to the service of good services "Husband for an hour" and asks to send a master. - And what did you break? "Yes ... here ... the toilet is flowing and the chandelier is blinking ..." "Well, the master will be there in an hour or so." "No," answered the lady angrily. "Better two, but more!"
- Mama? You? And how to stitch a bow correctly? Or so? - Daughter! Do not be foolish! Take the cucumber! - YOU !!!
Invited Vovochka to visit "for tea" Mashenka. Parents, of course, at home there. I bought a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes, a cake and a bouquet of flowers. Sits, waiting for Masha. Suddenly this thought: "Mashenka from a good family, probably will not drink." He waits for the bottle, waits for it again, suddenly the thought again: "Masha from a good family, probably will not smoke?" Cigarettes hid. 3vonok in the door - Mashenka with a briefcase and in school uniform. "Che is such an outfit?" - So tomorrow morning to school!
Babka, a flower merchant, says to a peasant passing by: "Milock, buy a bouquet, it will be a week." - True?! Give four!
The husband sees how his wife washes the floor with CANCER. He comes up behind, raises his wife's dress and starts to fuck her. Cumshot, the wife straightens up, he kisses her on the lips and slaps him. She asks him: - For what? Her husband answers: - Kiss for a wonderful sex, and a slap in the face for not even looking who it is.
The blind man takes a grater in his hands, and for a long time he fumbles about it with his hands and says indignantly: "Who, b @ #% b, wrote this kind of x% $ # yu?"
In the drugstore near the store window, a guy is standing thoughtfully. 20. The saleswoman: - A young man! Can I help you? What condoms do you need? The guy is sad: - Late ... Diapers and baby food, please!
"My dear, what is your most cherished desire?" - That you kissed me in three places ... - Wow! This is what's your favorite? - In Paris, Venice and the Bahamas.
A drunken peasant is lying in a puddle in front of the nunnery. The nuns got out of the window and pinned over it. A peasant raises his muzzle from a puddle with a force of will and yells: "Yes, I'll come to-morrow tomorrow, and I'll fuck all your monastery!" The next day he slept and felt ashamed of him. He gathered himself and went to the monastery: "Excuse me, I went over yesterday, I did not know what I said!" The nuns, in chorus: "Get out of here, you trash!"
Bill Clinton flies on a two-seater plane with his wife, she is offended by something and he decides to amuse her. He nods at the pilot: "Do you want me to give him $ 5, he'll kiss my hand?" She: - Fi .. - Do you want me to give him $ 100 he will give me a kiss? She: - Fi .. The pilot turns: - I'll throw the steering wheel, you'll suck me ...
At the confession to the priest came beauty with a deep neckline. The priest looks at the decollete and repeats: "Oh, my God!" From the sky a voice is heard: "Well, finally you called me to something worth looking!"
Why did the Russians win gold in the shooting at the trench stand, knocking out 150 targets, 149 - the ammunition was not enough, the athlete from China was first shot.
Little Gogi brings his father a diary: - wai, wai, wai Gogi pachamu deuce na fisculturi, you're such a sparty, frail little boy? - Dad, uchitel fizkultura mane gavarit: - Gogi with an unhappy leg, I fell. - Vpaduyu vtaryu. And I told him: - And I'm cheating on x .. I will stand, and he told me a deuce. My father thought and it is true on x .. I should stand there: - Malachy my malchyk, rightly done, man. On the second day, little Gogi brings his father a diary: - wai, wai, wai Gogi pachamu deuce na matematiki, you're such a clever little boy? Dad, Teacher Matematica manet gavarit: - How many will be two multiplied by three - the real. - And three for two, and I told him: -a kind of x .. the difference, and he told me a deuce in the diary. -and the truth and what x .. the difference, my malachyk malchyk, corrected, go for a walk. On the third day, little Gogi brings a deuce: - wai, wai, wai gogi pachamu deuce na literatury, you're such a clever boy? Papa, teacher of literature mane gavarit: - gogi sachini rhyme pritushka - I saichin: cockerel, cockerel - zatatoy mushroom, wound in the morning rises children spate ne gives. Pid ... a such-and it's true, son, pid ... a cock if the detachment does not give birth, smart little boy, go for a walk. The next day: -Papa, mana from the school drove. - pachamu? - they called me to the pedagogical council, I went to the teacher's room, and there they sat teaching mathematics, fisculature, literature, drawing .... -Goods, but on x ... I'm jogging. So I gavarju them, and on x ... I'm a teacher of trotting ...?
Village. Morning. The father wakes his son: - Get up, go to mow! - Dad, do not mow, it still will not work ... - So, what did I say ?! Get up immediately and go to mow! Well, nothing to do, the son gets up, take the braids go to the field. They come to the field, the father starts mowing, the son says: "Batya, my braid is stupid, I'll go home, I'll sharpen it." "Well, if this is the case, go." The son goes home and says to his mother: - Mom, Dad said that you would cook dumplings and buy vodka! - Well, if Dad said, then I'll do it now - my mother puts the dumplings to cook. The son puts the braid in place and goes back to the field and says to his father: "Bail, my mother cooked ravioli and bought vodka, says that we would go home!" "Ah, well, if that's so, let's go!" Go home. Meanwhile, my mother cooked the dumplings and went to the store for vodka. Father and son come home, they look - pelmeni are cooked, there is neither vodka nor mother. Father, without understanding anything, says to his son: "There is no mother, there's no vodka ... How can you make pelmeni without vodka?" For money, go buy it! The son goes for vodka and on the way goes to his neighbor. He says: "Uncle Mish, Dad, I learned that you and your mother are lovers, they want to kill you ... The neighbor is frightened: - Here, pancake, you have money, just otmazh me in front of his bathe .. - Okay. - takes the money goes to the store buys vodka, comes home and tells his father: - Bate, there the neighbor asked to help the pig slaughter. - Ah, well, once asked, then you must help! - He takes the ax and goes to his neighbor. A neighbor looks out the window and sees that Dad is carrying an ax. "Well - thinks - my son did not otmazal ..." Jumps into the window and hides in a corn field. The father comes, looks, there is no neighbor, the pig runs around the yard, he hacked her and went back. At this time, the mother comes from the store, and her son says to her: "Mom, Dad found out that you and your neighbor are lovers!" He took an ax and left ... Mother looks out the window and sees her husband with a bloody ax. "Everything - thinks - Khan to me!" Jumps into a window and hides in a cornfield. The father comes home and says to his son: - Damn, what is it? There is no mother, there is no neighbor, where are all the devils ?! - Yes they are there, in the corn field, somersault! - Whatsoooo ?? - the father howled, grabs an ax and runs off into the corn field ... The son sits at the table, pours himself a vodka, pins a pelmen on the fork and, looking at the cornfield, philosophically says: "Eh, batya-batya ... I told you , That you can not mow today ... "
- I bought children for children's champagne for the New Year. So these obmoty drank, rasprobovali, children's cigarettes tried, children's vodka, children's women called! So in the morning I had to run for children's beer !!
The programmer tells his friends, the same as he: - Yesterday in a nightclub I met a cool blonde! - Wow! - Then I invited her to my place, we drank it, I began to caress her. - Wow! - Then she says to me: "Undress me!" - Left! - I took off her panties, put it on the table and right on the keyboard ... - Do not fuck yourself, did you buy a computer? And what processor?
Blonde - girlfriends: - Yesterday I met a programmer in a nightclub. - Wow! - Then he invited me to his place, we drank with him, and he began to caress me. - Wow! - And then I told him: "Undress me!" - Left! - He took off my pants ... - Do not fuck yourself, are you wearing panties ???
Three degrees of man's fullness: - because of the big belly you do not see your penis; - do not see if the member is standing or not; - do not see who makes you a blowjob.
In the Tretyakov Gallery before the picture two connoisseurs: - Wow! You just look, what a charm! What a technique! What color! Magic palette! - Yes, it is excellent! And what a game of colors! Notice how delightfully the first rays of the sun are woven into the overall harmony of the life of a waking nature. What a range of author's feelings! - Yes, yes! Unimaginable! But these emerald highlights on the water give aesthetic freshness to the whole canvas! - It's brilliant! - Yes, yes! But the frame, then, that, is a complete one! - Totally agree with you, my friend, poen-sen-s, and not a frame, to puke sickly ..
A terrible accident on the road. The driver and the passenger died. Approached road patrol finds on the scene only a monkey, which sadly wanders around a broken car. "It's a pity you can not talk," the corporal laments, looking at the animal's belly. The monkey shakes his head mournfully. - Do you understand? - the policeman is amazed. The monkey nods. - Can you help restore the picture of the accident? Nod. "So what happened there?" The monkey depicts the process of drinking from a bottle. "They were drinking?" The monkey nods. - And yet? The monkey depicts the process of smoking. - Smoked marijuana ?! The monkey nods. - May be something else? Monkey stretches his lips and smacks the air. - KNOWED ?! The monkey nods. The police have a shock. - Well, and you, what did you do? "I drove the car," the monkey shows.
Once my girlfriends invited me to a "hen party". I informed my husband about this, and promised to return no later than midnight. "I promise, I'll be home at twelve - like a bayonet!" I ardently assured. The party was wonderful! Champagne is delicious, and the time flew by completely unnoticed. As a result, I, drunk, drunk, priplela home around three o'clock in the morning. Only I crossed the threshold, the cuckoo clocked in the living room three times! Instantly realizing that my husband could wake up when he heard the cuckoo, and I could not escape 3,14 inches, I did not hesitate to prokoshovala nine more times. If he heard the cuckoo, let him think it's midnight now. Secretly proud of my ingenuity, I crept into the bedroom with my mouse and quietly lay down under the side of my strict husband. The next morning at breakfast, he asked me when I returned. Having built an innocent face, I said: "It's exactly twelve." Just the clock in the living room struck midnight. - Yes, I heard. My husband answered unperturbedly. F-uuu! It seems that I managed to avoid a scandal! After a pause, her husband said: - Honey, we need to urgently change the cuckoo in the clock. - ???? - Yesterday, I heard the cuckoo baking three times, then she said: "Oh, blah!", She bitten four more times, then cleared her throat, punctured herself 3 times again, snorted and prokukovav remaining two times, stepped on the cat and in addition farted.
On the beach there is a man with a deck of cards. I saw two girls and decided to approach them: - Girls! In the preference or the point? - And in preference where is it ?!
Sunny weather, the hedgehog is running joyfully through the forest ... on the back is an apple, he is running joyfully, just such a touching picture - a hedgehog with an apple on his back. And here he runs, runs and runs out into the clearing, and there the girl gathers a little berries, such a little girl, about 7-8 years old, in a pink dress, well, too, such a picture, just like from children's fairy tales, everything is just fine, nothing bad Is not foreshadowed, and the hedgehog runs up to the girl and starts to sniff (well, it happens, it's just for the sake of interest). And then the girl breaks, grabs a hedgehog behind her paws and begins to beat him with all the foolishness about the stump, then knee, in general kicks as soon as she can in her 7-8 years, then she swings her head and throws her in the ditch, and there the man sits - All beaten, the eye is not visible, everything is swollen, the ears are sinuous, the lips are also, the nose is broken five times, and he asks the hedgehog: "Did she see the girl in the clearing?" The hedgehog hardly speaking with a tongue answers: - Aha .. - Tell a dumbass?! ...
A girl comes to the autoshop and asks the seller: - Do you have sensors? - What are the sensors? - Well, such that when I'm in the ass gave a light bulb ...
I love my work so much! I can watch it for hours.
- Why are some fathers allowed to attend childbirth? "As compensation for the absence of conception!"
After ypoka in the class comes Vovochka with a bandaged head. The irritated teacher: - Hy, what did this mean? "He fell from the fifth floor." - And that, flew for two whole york?
- What do we have for supper today? - Potatoes in a uniform! "But today is a holiday !?" "Then in the front room!"
- Carlson, again a puppy in the corner shit. - And where can he shit, on the closet, or what? There's only I can!
Announcement in the hospital: "Tomorrow in the Department of Dystrophy will be a concert for fine connoisseurs of classical music."
If someone told you "Fool!", Do not rush to think that he is smart, maybe he just introduced himself.
- Do you have anal sex? "Only for debts ..."
"This writer's work is not easy," Vasily Sergeyev, who works as a loader in the publishing house, often tells his friends.
1999 We are crossing the street after three pins of beer. On the right is a shiny 600th Mers with tinted windows. We pass by, a friend in a fit of hatred, and, under the influence of alcohol, gives out: "Here ssuuka!". The nearest to us toned glass slowly falls, there is a huge malicious muzzle which smiles all the way to the merc and says: "Yes, I am." A curtain.
A man came to the clinic, wants to register with the registry to the urologist, but hesitates to say it out loud. Therefore, it starts in a roundabout way: - Write me to the doctor. - To which? - Well, how would it ... Well - to x # eevomu ... - Man, we, in general, all the doctors x # evy. - No, you did not understand ... Me - to the most x # eve ... - It does not happen - the head doctor is on vacation!
"Are you stealing beets?" - Yes you, I pull it up, so that it grows faster.
The man who came from Corsica, says: - All these rumors of theft in Corsica are greatly exaggerated. If you count your fingers after they say hello to someone, they will usually be in place.
The Corsican proudly tells the visitor: "We are being stolen so that in many places the railway is paved with rings." - What for? "So that the driver can make sure that all the cars are in place."
The aunt calls the rescue service: we have a bear sitting in the yard on the tree. An hour later, an ambulance knocks on the door, with him a pit bull terrier: - in general, my name is Kolya, his - Kefirchik. The plan of action is this: you take a gun, get up by the window, I climb a tree, push the bear, it falls, Kefirchik grabs him by the eggs and drags him to the zoo. All clear? - everything, only what for I at a window, with a gun? - this is in case I fall, Kefirchik's urine
The Ukrainian drags the hare home and says to his wife: "On, fry it on my fat." "So we do not have any fat ..." "Fry it in oil." "We have no oil." - So fry it for me just like that! "Ah, we do not have gas either." Khokhol silently takes the hare and throws it out the window. The hare jumps up and screams: - Long live free Ukraine
The guy and the girl are kissing in the entrance, she says: Darling, turn out the light bulb, I'll take it in my mouth ... And he said to her: Du-u-hurray, she's hot ...
Husband to wife:
"You have a suspicious look on your face." One of two things: either you have betrayed me, or you are going to change it.
- Why, maybe both.

A little boy runs from the yard and says:
- Aunt Sarah, your Abrashka eats shit. Sarah screams out the window:
"Abram, do not eat much, Papa will come and we'll have dinner."
Comes a child from kindergarten all scratched, podrazny .....
Parents to him:
- What happened?
- Yes, everything is fine, it's us in the kindergarten we drove ......
- And why are you all scratched?
- So the Christmas tree is big, but the group is small ..........
The purest, brightest and highest is friendship! People's wisdom and outstanding thinkers do not tire of this. So why are women offended if they are offered to remain friends in the morning?
- Girls, we are coming to visit you today!
"Then you have a bottle!"
- And from you snack and women!
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if they could have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester they can make it a normal style. During the second trimester, they should do it dog-like and during the third trimester they should limit themselves to the style of the wolf. "The style of the wolf?" Asked his husband, "what is this?" "It's when you lie beside and howl!"
... Two friends are talking.
1- You know, I graduated from psychology courses.
2- Well, what can you do?
1- I can control a person's consciousness. Here we argue for a bottle of whiskey that the man will drop off this bridge after I talk to him.
1 comes to the peasant and asks him who he is by nationality.
- I am American.
1- Do you know that all Swiss banks went broke?
- How so? My money! Why should I live now? And dropped from the bridge.
2- I can not believe it. It is an accident. I'll bet on two bottles that you can not win that guy.
1- He comes up and asks the muzhik for his nationality.
- I'm French.
1- And do you know that in France all public houses were closed?
"Why so, why should I live now?" Dropped off the bridge.
2- I'm just lantern with you. We'll bet on a box of whiskey that you just can not persuade that man.
1- He comes to the peasant and asks his nationality.
- Russian I, well, and what?
1- And do you know that it is forbidden to drop from this bridge?
- Yes I shit on your laws! - Cleared from the bridge.

If the kolobok had eggs, he would have repulsed them!
They go three smoked narka by car. They stop at a traffic light and stand for a long time. The traffic light flashes: red, yellow, green, yellow, red, yellow, green, yellow ... Two people sitting in the back seat ask the one behind the wheel:
- Vasek, and what do we stand for?
He answered them:
- Yes I, bl, # do not have time !!!
If in America it is politically correct to call blacks African-Americans, then we can politically correct to call Jews Israelis.
If you were overtaken by an Estonian in Latvia, then you are a Finn.
If smart women were smart for real, no one would ever know about it.
"Last year I was fortunate enough to kill nine partridges with two shots!"
- And you, probably, shot eggs? Guessed?
"Why do not you shoot this rabbit?"
"Can not you see how he's running ?!" Maybe even mad, well, to hell with him!
After a shot at the game, the hunter asks his partner:
"Go and see what kind of beast I've laid."
He returns:
"Judging by his passport, his name is Johnson."
Traffic policeman:
"So, did you just pass here?"
- Well, we are.
"Did you see the sign on the turn?" I ask: did they see the sign on the turn or not?
- You saw.
"My little son drew!"

- And I would like to be a Bolshoi Theater.
- To govern?
- No, be the Bolshoi Theater itself! Just want to know what you feel when you refuse Volochkova?
- Where are you from?
- From under Peter.
- Now everything is "from under Peter". Specifically.
- Bishkek.
"Hello, I'm Elvis Presley!"
- He died.
- And I'm from the last strength!
To become rich, you need three things: the mind, talent and a lot of money.
Who found the keys to my mother-in-law's apartment? Please do not return!
I read in the newspaper that lobsters and barracuda meat are contraindicated to me - and how now to live ?!
The peculiarity of any forest is that everyone knows the entrance, and few get out ...
People of small stature can be beaten easily and simply ...
Surface tension is when the exam is free.
Three days and three nights Ivan kissed the sleeping beauty. And then he spat and buried ...
Moscow ... The navel of the earth. If Moscow is a navel, then what about Moscow?
If it is not possible to satisfy a woman vaginally, then one can approach this problem from the other side.
It is known that in Russia there are two troubles ...
And in Byelorussia, there is only one, eternal, popularly elected.
- This is Artem. Artem is the only person in the world who managed to lose an apartment in "What? Where? When?".
"What happened to Sir Elton John?" That journalists obmateril, now on Madonna hit? - And he, apparently, climax began ...
- In Ancient Sparta, ugly and frail children gave birth immediately to the abyss.

- The band "Leningrad" decided to sing Serdyuchka's song "Okay." Work on remaking the word "good" has already been completed.
American geologists have discovered an Arab country over large deposits of American oil ...
The Turkmen parliament decided to extend the term of Turkmenbashi's term for another life.
Announcement: "Former zek willingly sit with your child."
Experienced Timurovs will flood the garden, take out the garbage and go to the store for the right to use the apartment.