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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

A woman at the reception at the male dentist. He lies on a chair, his mouth is in a freeze, the doctor diligently drills something. Here the patient begins to burst mobile phone. After the fifth call, the doctor can not stand: frantically grabs the phone: - Alla !!! - Alley !!! (also a male voice) Doctor: - Who are you ?? !!! MG: - HUSBAND !!!! Doctor: - Listen, husband, I'll finish right now, she will spit and call back !!!
A man comes to the store, looks around. Says the seller: - Please give me that porcelain rat. - This is not a rat. This is a bust of Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. - Oh * hut! Give two!
Firefighters never liked the pioneers for their hymn "Soar fires blue nights ..."
Note to young parents: If you do not want Putin to be the first word your kid says, do not leave the child next to the TV on.
Official treatment of all moviegoers of the world to the citizens of America: Please follow the rules of the cinema and do not get up while watching, fucking. We then look.
The grandfather tells the story to his grandson: - The Germans came to our village, they built all the men and they say: "Choose: either we will let you go, or we will shoot you." - Grandfather, and what's next ??? - They shot me, granddaughters, shot me ...
Mother writes a letter to her son in prison: "It is hard, son, without you. Spring is in the yard, planting potatoes soon, and there is no one to dig up the garden." The son writes the answer: "Mom, do not dig the garden. You will accumulate such a thing as they will plant you and add a term to me." Answer from the mother: "Son, after your letter came the cops, shoveled the whole garden, did not find anything, left the evil, swear.". Son: "Mom, what I could - that helped. Potato plant yourself".
- Woman, you are so beautiful today in this toilet! -Man, you impudent, close the door!
New version of the old parable. Three blind men were asked: what is an elephant? The first one felt the elephant by the trunk and said: “The elephant is such a thick hose. The second felt the elephant by the tail and said: - The elephant is a rope. The third felt the elephant and said: - Wow! And I would like that !!
- Where were you? - Here is a volume of Lermontov, open on page 158 ... - But she's torn out! - Well, what do you think - where I was
The teacher takes away the playboy from the student: - I want to see your parents tomorrow. - And what to wait tomorrow? Won - Page 42-43.
One blonde asks another: - What are you dreaming about? - I dream that once I meet a fairy who will give me a hundred thousand dollars. - Why not a million? - Well, a million is not real.
The chief dictates an e-mail to the secretary: - I inform you, comma, that the comma we received from you, a comma this year, we will not be able to give a full stop. Helen, I said a dot, not a colon with three brackets!
A man comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, I have a nightmare every night: I dream that I am dragging a train from Moscow to St. Petersburg. In the morning - there are no forces. doctor: - M-yes, a difficult case. And you try to at least half to Bologo. man: - Thank you, doctor. A week later, this same man again with this doctor: - Doctor, I have a new nightmare: I dream that I have ten women per night. I can't get out of bed in the morning. doctor: - And you try to limit to five. muzhik: - Or maybe a better three? And then I still have to drag the train to Bologoy.
- How many people work in your company? - Well, a maximum of half.
Announcement: To a taxi driver who has found a forgotten box with 280 cans of red caviar in his car - THAT YOU HAS AFFECTED !!
A man comes into the pharmacy and loudly declares: - I have a pack of condoms, please! A young saleswoman blushed and whispers: - And you can not be quiet? Man: - So in fact there is no one! Saleswoman: - And me? Pause. Man (in an intimate voice): - So do I have the door to close the key?
A former classmate and a classmate are talking: - Do you remember how we were caught in grade 8 when we were smoking under the stairs? - Yes ... well, we still managed to get dressed!
Bear den. Papa-bear reads the newspaper, mother-bear prepares dinner, son-bear plays. Then he goes to the Pope and says: - Dad, and Dad show me the puppet theater. “You can't see my son, I'm busy.” - Well, Dad, please show me. - Okay. Papa-bear goes to the bed and from under it pulls out two human skulls and puts them on paws says in different voices: - Petrovich, and there are bears here? - Yes, what are the x @ y bears.
Mother's son calls: - Hello, mother, I am about to get married. - Great, son. - Mom, but the fact is that she is a black woman. “It's okay, son, we are not racist with dad. - Mom, she has three children ... - Yes, nonsense, we love children. - But the fact is that we have nowhere to live. - And only? Come to us, to our cozy one-room apartment, you and your wife and children will live in the room, dad in the closet. - And you, mother, where? - And I, son, now hang up and hang up.
A man comes to a sex therapist and says: - My wife doesn’t want, I want, but she doesn’t ... - I see, we’ll write a pill now ... He comes home, throws a pill to his wife and thinks: give me one, and then suddenly she wants and I do not. Evening Bedroom. Both turn up in blobs: Wife: - Dear, insert me! Husband: - Who would I put in!
Drug addict rides in a tram, the controller fits: - Your ticket. The addict raises two fingers up (like Victory). Controller: - What is it? Narc: - Hare.
Two students enter the classroom to surrender English. The teacher says: - Sit dоwn! One to another: - Listen, but what did he say? - He said: "Sit down moron!"
- Dad, lend me a car with the girl for the evening. - Take it, but there is no gasoline. - And we do not need.
Once upon a time there was a Little Red Riding Hood, though her hat was gray from a wolf, she just wore her meat outside.
There is a dude down the street, he sees an open sewer. Fits, yelling at him: - "E * your mother!" From the hatch in response: - "Your mother e *!" Dude thought and shouted: - "Your mother e *!" Echo replied: - "E * your mother!" Well, here the cupcake was completely stunned and how will it scream: - "Your mother e *, e * your mother!" From the hatch: - "Go to x * d, do not bother to work!"
Going into a coupe man and woman. A man is reading a newspaper. Hour ride, two, three hours on the road. The woman fidgets, finally, unable to bear it, says: - I am young, you are young, I am rather attractive, there is no one in the compartment. Don't you want me? A man puts down a newspaper and replies: - I have always said that it is better to wait an hour than to persuade for three hours.
A guy walks along the beach and sees a beautiful girl. She comes up to her and says: - Girl, do you have a smoke? She gives him a cigarette. - A little light? She gives him a lighter. - And maybe get to know? - And the drum will not give you? - What for? - Lead the column going to hell!
Go to the coupe Georgians and a girl. She is on the bottom shelf, he is on the top. In the evening, a note comes down to her on the rope: if you want me, pull the rope once, if not, 60 times and the last ten quickly ...
The patient comes to the urologist. He takes his farm and puts it on the table. Doctor: - Does it hurt? - No - Small? - Not! - Too big? - No!!!! - So what then? - Really good?
Four obkurenny boys catch a taxi. One of them says: Drug addict: “We'll catch a taxi right now, so that everyone sat silent, or else the taxi driver will understand that we are stoned ... Well, the taxi stops, the boys sit down.” They are going, going ... Suddenly the driver turns to them and asks: - Guys, did you smoke it ??? Addict: - And how did you guess ??? Taxi driver: - Yes x% li ... Got into the four of us in the front seat, and sit silently !!
Vovochka went to school in the first grade and already at the first lesson he told the teacher: - Mar Bath, I am too smart for the first grade! Let me go straight to the third! That leads him to the director: so, they say, and so. Director: - Well then! Let's check it out! And how much, Vova, will be 3 x 3? Little Johnny: - 9! - Right! And how much is 6 x 6? - 36! - Right! I think, Marie Ivanna, we can transfer him to the 3rd class! Mar Ivanna: - And let me ask him about the logical thinking! That's what Vovochka is, the cow has 4, and I have two? Little Johnny (thinking): - Feet! - Hmm, but what you have in your pants, but I do not? The hrenzy director didn’t even have time to open his mouth, as Vova said: - Pockets! The teacher: - That's right, come on, Vova, in the third class dui! Director: - But I think, Mar Bath, that Vova can be immediately transferred to the 5th grade, because the answers to my last two questions have come from others!
A riot police company eliminated a field of hemp, an area of ​​2 hectares. After that, she declared herself a division and went into space to fight Pokémon.
The university begins a lecture on psychology. Comfortably sitting behind the chair, professor: - Today, comrades, we will study with you three similar stages of the human psyche: surprise, irritation and anger. Let's look at a specific example ... Taking a phone from a briefcase, the professor dials the first number he gets. - Hello, and Vasya can be? - You know, this does not live here ... - Here, - smiling, says the professor, - this is just a slight surprise. Look further. Dials the number again. - Hello, and Vasya did not fit? - He said, there are no such people here ... Rubbing his hands, the professor winks conspiratorially at the audience. - pecked. Well, now ... The third time dialing a number. - So Vasya is not? - Fuck you ... - Well, comrades, I hope you understand the example. Let us proceed to the theoretical part ... A young man rises from the first desk. “Sorry, Professor, but you forgot the fourth stage.” - This is what? - Stage full fucking. Going to the department, the young man dials the number. - Good day. This is Vasya. Nobody called me?
Sits man on the push. Suddenly he hears from the next stall: - Hi. He thought, why would it suddenly ... but still, after thinking, he answered: - Well, hello. - How are you? - Yes, it seems normal. “Listen, I'll call you back, otherwise one idiot is talking to me here.”
- Dear girls! Do you have dry skin? Rare hair? Problems with a figure? Come to us! We are dark and we are drunk.
Call to the door. - Hello, I'm your neighbor ... - Top or bottom? - Che, just like that?
Sleeping at work is a sin, it’s not for you that you have a free Internet!
The phone rings. Little Johnny picks up the phone: - Ale? No, Masha can not come up, her mouth is busy. When I finish, she will call you back. He hangs up and explains to his furious parents: “Not there.”
The woman calls the good-by-husband service “Husband for an hour” and asks to send the master. - What broke? - Yes ... here ... the toilet is flowing and another chandelier is flashing ... - Well, the master will arrive in an hour and a little. “No,” the lady replies angrily. - Better in two, but with more!
- Mama? You? And how to stick a bow right? Or so? - Docha! Fooling do not mess! Take a cucumber! - WOW !!!
Vovochka invited to visit "for tea" Masha. Naturally, there are no parents. I bought a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes, a cake and a bouquet of flowers. Sits, waiting for Masha. Suddenly such a thought: “Masha from a good family, probably will not drink. He hid the bottle. Waiting further, suddenly the thought again:“ Masha from a good family, probably will not smoke ?. Cigarettes hid. 3 doorbell - Masha with a briefcase and in school uniform. - Che such outfit? - So tomorrow morning in school!
The grandmother selling flowers says to a passing man: - Milok, buy a bunch - there will be a week. - True?! Come on four!
Husband sees how his wife washes the floor CANCER. He comes up behind him, raises his dress to his wife and starts to fuck her. Cumshot, the wife straightens, he kisses her on the lips and gives a slap in the face. She asks him: - For what? Her husband replies: - A kiss for beautiful sex, and a slap for the fact that you have not even looked who it is.
A blind person picks up a grater, fumbles his hands for a long time and indignantly says: - Who, b @ #% s, wrote such a x% $ #?!
In a pharmacy near the shop window, a 20-year-old boy stands thoughtfully. Saleswoman: - Young man! Can I help you? What condoms are you? The guy is sad: - Late ... Diapers and baby food, please!
- Dear, what is your fondest wish? - So you kissed me in three places ... - Wow! Which is your favorite? - In Paris, Venice and the Bahamas.
A drunk man wallows in a puddle opposite the convent. The nuns climbed out the windows and make fun of him. A man with an effort of will lifts his face out of a puddle and yells: - Yes, I’ll sleep over tomorrow and re-fuck your entire monastery! The next day, he slept and felt ashamed. Gathered and went to the monastery: - Please forgive, went over yesterday, did not know what he was saying! Nuns, in chorus: - Get out of here, yap!
Bill Clinton flies on a two-seater with his wife, she is offended by something and he decides to amuse her. He nods at the pilot: - Do you want me to give him $ 5, he will kiss my hand? She: - Fi .. - Do you want me to give him $ 100 he will give me a leg kiss? She: - Fi .. The pilot turns: - I will throw the wheel, you will suck with me ...
A woman with a deep neckline came to confession to the priest. The priest looks in the neckline and repeats: "Oh, my God!" There is a voice from heaven: "Well, finally, you called me to look at something worthwhile!"
Why did the Russians win gold in shooting on a trench stand, knocking out 150 targets, 149 - there were not enough cartridges, first an athlete from China was shot.
Little Gogi brings his father a diary: - wai, wai, wai Gogi pachemu deuce pa fisculturi, you have such a sparty, fallen little boy? - papa, uchiel fyzkultury mane gavarit: - Gogi have fallen leg, I fell. - Padna vtayu. and I said to him: - but I’m standing at Chito. My father thought, and really on x..yo stand or something: - Maladek, my maldyk, did the right thing, man. On the second day, little Gogi brings his father a diary: - wai, wai, wai Gogi pachem deuce pa mathematics, you have such a smart little boy? Dad, uchetel mamamatiki mane gavarit: - as many gogy will multiply by three - three. - and three by two, and I told him: what a difference .. and he gives me a two in a diary. -and the truth is and what's the difference ... my maladek maladek, did the right thing, go for a walk. On the third day, little Gogi brings a deuce: - wai, wai, wai gogi pachemu deuce pa literature, you have such a smart little boy? papa, teacher of literature mene havarit: - gogi sachini rhyme great pitcher - I sachin: cockerel, cockerel - patched mushroom, wound in the morning rises to children spat ne gives. pid ... ac such - and true, son, pid ... ac cock if he sleeps to dethkam ne gives, clever boy, go for a walk. The next day: Dad, Maine from school vigny. -pachemu? -Vizvali me at the teachers 'council, I’m leaving for the teachers' room, and there are taught mathematicians, fiction, literature, drawing ... - Falls, and on the x ... I'm trotting So here I am telling them, and on the x ... I am a teacher of trotting? ...
Village. Morning. Father wakes his son: - Get up, let's go mowing! - Dad, no need to mow, it still won't work ... - So, what did I say ?! Get up immediately and go mow! Okay, nothing to do, the son gets up, take the braids go to the field. They come to the field, the father begins to mow, the son says: - Dad, I have a dull braid, I go home, sharpen. - Well, since such a thing - go. The son goes home and says to his mother: - Mom, Dad said that you had to make dumplings and buy vodka! - Well, since Dad said, then I’ll do it now - the mother puts the dumplings to cook. The son puts the scythe in place and goes back to the field and says to his father: “Bat, my mother cooked some ravioli there and bought vodka, says that we would go home!” - Ah, well, if so - let's go! Go home. Meanwhile, the mother cooked dumplings and went to the store for vodka. Father and son come home, they look - the dumplings are cooked, neither vodka nor mothers exist. The father, not understanding anything, says to his son: - There is no mother, there is no vodka ... How are dumplings without vodka? For the money, go buy it! The son goes for vodka and comes to the neighbor on the way. Says: - Uncle Mish, Dad learned that you are lovers with your mother, wants to kill you ... Neighbor scared: - Here, damn, you have money, just otmazh me before his father .. - Okay. - Takes money. He goes to the store and buys vodka, comes home and says to his father: - Bat, a neighbor asked to help slaughter a pig. - Oh, I just asked, it means you need help! - takes an ax and goes to the neighbor. A neighbor looks out the window - he sees, there is a dad with an ax. "Well - he thinks - he didn’t otmazal son ..." He jumps out the window and hides in a corn field. The father comes, looks, there is no neighbor, the pig runs around the yard, he hacked her up and went back. At this time, the mother comes from the store, and the son says to her: - Mom, Dad found out that you are lovers with your neighbor! He took an ax and left ... Mother looks out the window and sees her husband with a bloody ax. "Everything - thinks - Khan to me!" Jumping out the window and hiding in a cornfield. The father comes home and says to his son: - Damn, what is it? No mother, no neighbor, where the hell are they all ?! - Yes, they are there, in a cornfield, tumble! - Chtooooo ?? - the father roars, grabs an ax and runs off into the corn field ... The son sits down at the table, pours himself vodka, punches a dumpling on a fork, and, looking at the corn field, philosophically says: "Oh, dad ... I told you that mowing today will not work ... "
- I bought the kids for the New Year of children's champagne. So these drunks drank, tasted, tried children's cigarettes, children's vodka, children called women! So in the morning I had to run after the children's beer !!
The programmer tells his friends, the same as he: - Yesterday, at a nightclub, I met a cool blonde! - Wow! - Then I invited her to me, we drank with her, I started to caress her. - Great! - Then she says to me: "Undress me!" - cool! - I took off her pants, put it on the table and right on the keyboard ... - No shit for yourself, did you buy a computer? And what processor?
Blonde girlfriends: - Yesterday I met a programmer at a nightclub. - Wow! - Then he invited me to his place, we drank with him, and he began to caress me. - Great! - And then I said to him: "Undress me!" - cool! - He took off my pants ... - No shit yourself, what are you, you walk in shorts ???
Three degrees of masculine completeness: - because of the large abdomen you do not see your penis; - it is not visible, there is a member or not; - do not see who gives you a blowjob.
In the Tretyakov Gallery before the picture two experts: - Wow! Just look how lovely! What a technique! What a coloring! Magic palette! - Yes, excellent! And what a game of colors! Notice how delightfully the first rays of the sun are woven into the overall harmony of the life of an awakening nature. What is the range of copyright feelings !! - Yeah! Inimitable! But these emerald highlights on the water give aesthetic freshness to the whole canvas! - Brilliant! - Yeah! But the frame, that, that, sir, is a complete f # zdets! - Completely agree with you, my dear, I suppose, but not a frame, to vomit sickeningly ...
A terrible accident on the road. The driver and passenger died. A road patrol arrives at the scene of an accident only a monkey, which sadly wanders around the wrecked car. “It’s a pity you don’t know how to talk,” the corporal laments, looking at the animal. The monkey shakes his head mournfully. - Do you understand? - the policeman is amazed. Monkey nods. - Can you help restore the picture of the accident? Nod. - So what happened there? A little monkey depicts the process of drinking from a bottle. - They drank? Monkey nods. - And yet? Monkey depicts the process of smoking. - smoked marijuana ?! Monkey nods. - May be something else? Monkey pulls lips and smacking air. - HOSPITALED ?! Monkey nods. The cops have a shock. - Well, what did you do? "Led the car," shows a monkey.
Once a girlfriend invited me to the "hen party". I reported this to my husband, and promised to return no later than midnight. "I promise, I'll be home at twelve - like a bayonet!" I assured me fervently. The party was wonderful! Champagne is delicious, and time has flown by completely unnoticed. As a result, I, drunk as a lord, got home at about three in the morning. I just crossed the threshold, the cuckoo on the clock in the living room whined three times !!! Instantly realizing that the husband could wake up when he heard the cuckoo, and 3.14 dules could not be avoided, I did not hesitate to whine another nine times. If he heard the cuckoo, let him think that it is midnight. Being secretly proud of my wit, I sneaked into the bedroom with a mouse and quietly settled under the side of my strict husband. The next morning at breakfast, he asked me when I returned. Having built an innocent attractive face, I said: - Exactly at twelve. Just the clock in the living room struck midnight. - Yes, I heard. The husband calmly answered. F-ooh! Looks like a scandal I managed to avoid! After a short silence, my husband said: - Honey, we need to urgently change the cuckoo in the clock. - ???? - Yesterday, I heard the cuckoo whined three times, then said: "Here's a blast!", Whined four more times, then she coughed, screamed 3 times again, giggled and booted the remaining two times, stepped on the cat and in addition smelled.
On the beach there is a man with a deck of cards. I saw two girls and decided to approach them: - Girls! Preference or point? - And in preference it's where ?!
Sunny weather, a joyful hedgehog runs through the forest ... there is an apple on his back, he runs rejoicing, just such a sweet picture - a hedgehog with an apple on his back. And so he runs, runs and then runs out into the clearing, and then a girl picks berries, such a little girl, about 7-8 years old, in a pink dress, well, too, the picture is like that, just like from children's fairy tales, everything is fine just fine, nothing bad it is not foreshadowed, and the hedgehog runs up to the girl and begins to sniff his feet (well, it happens that way, so just for the sake of interest). And then the girl breaks down, grabs a hedgehog by the paws and starts to beat him with all the dope about the stump, then knees, generally kicks as soon as he can at her 7-8 years old, then swings over his head and throws him into a ditch, and there sits a man all beaten, the eye is not visible, everything is swollen, the ears are blunt, the lips are too, the nose is five times broken, and he asks the hedgehog: - Did you see the girl in the meadow? Hedgehog barely rolls his tongue and answers: - Yeah .. - Tell priduroshnaya?
A girl comes to the car shop and asks the seller: - Do you have sensors? - what are the sensors? - Well, such that when I am in the ass gave light bulbs ...
I love my job so much! I can watch her for hours.
“Why are some fathers allowed to be present at birth?” - In compensation for the lack of conception!
In the middle of the ypoka Vovochka comes into the class with a bandaged head. A disgusted student: - Hy, what happened to this time? - Fell from the fifth floor. - And what, flew two ypoka?
- What do we have for supper today? - Potatoes in uniform! - But today is a holiday !? - Then in the front door!
- Carlson, again the puppy in the corner did not care. - And where is he to shit on the closet, or what? There only I can!
Announcement in the hospital: "Tomorrow in the dystrophy department there will be a concert for fine connoisseurs of classical music."
If someone told you "Fool!", Do not rush to think that he is smart, perhaps he just introduced himself.
- Do you have anal sex? - Only for the debts ...
“This writer's work is not easy,” Vasily Sergeyev, who works as a loader in a publishing house, often speaks to friends.
1999 My friend and I, after three skittles of beer, cross the street. On the right is the brilliant 600th Mercedes with tinted glass. We pass by, a friend in a fit of a class of hatred and under the influence of alcohol gives out: "Here sssuuka!". The tinted glass nearest to us slowly goes down, a huge angry face appears, which smiles full width of the Mersey and says: "Yes, I am that way." A curtain.
A man came to the clinic, wants to register with a urologist at the reception, but hesitates to say it out loud. Therefore, begins in a roundabout way: - Write me to the doctor. - To which? - Well, how would it ... Well - to x # evomu ... - Man, we, in general, are all doctors of x # evy. - No, you did not understand ... I - to the very x # evomu ... - It does not work out - the head physician is on vacation!
- Are you stealing beets? - What are you, I pull it up to grow faster.
The man who came from Corsica, says: - All these rumors about the theft in Corsica are greatly exaggerated. If you recount your fingers after they say hello to someone, they will usually be in place.
The Corsican proudly says to the visitor: “They steal from us in such a way that in many places the railway is routed in rings.” - What for? - So that the driver could make sure that all the cars are in place.
The aunt calls the rescue service: a bear sits in a tree in our yard. An hour later, the ambal knocked on the door, with him the pit bull terrier: - in general, my name is Kolya, his name is Kefirchik. The plan of action is this: you take a gun, get up at the window, I climb a tree, punch a bear, it falls, Kefirchik grabs him by the balls and drags him to the zoo. All clear? - everything, just why am I at the window with a gun? - this is in case I fall, Kefirchik's urine
Khokol hares a hare home and says to his wife: - On, fry me on his fat. - So in fact we do not have lard ... - So fry it in oil. - We have no oil. - So fry me it just like that! - Ah, we don't have gas either. Crest silently takes the hare and throws it out the window. The hare jumps up and shouts: - Long live free Ukraine
The guy and the girl kiss in the doorway, she says: Honey, turn the light bulb, I'll take it in my mouth ... And he to her: Doo-hooray, she's hot ...
Husband to wife:
- You have a suspicious expression. One of two things: either you cheated on me, or you were going to change.
- Why, maybe both.

A little boy comes running from the yard and says:
- Aunt Sarah, your Abrashka is eating shit. Sara shouts out the window:
- Abram, do not eat much, dad will come and we will have lunch.
the child comes from kindergarten all scratched, damned .....
parents to him:
- What happened?
- Yes, everything is fine, we were in the kindergarten dance led ......
- And why are you all scratched?
- So we have a big Christmas tree, and the group is small ..........
The purest, lightest and highest is friendship! This is not tired of repeating and popular wisdom, and prominent thinkers. So why are women offended if they are offered to remain friends in the morning?
- Girls, we will come to visit you today!
- Then you have a bottle!
- And you snack and women!
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if they could have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester they could do it in a normal style. During the second trimester, they should do it like a dog, and during the third trimester, they should limit themselves to the style of the wolf. "Style wolf?" Asked her husband, "what is it?" "This is when you lie near and howl!"
... Two friends are talking.
1- You know, I graduated from psychology courses.
2- So what can you do?
1- I can control the human mind. Here we argue on a bottle of whiskey that that man over there will be thrown off this bridge after I talk to him.
1 comes up to the peasant and asks him who he is by nationality.
- I am American.
1- Did you know that all Swiss banks went bankrupt?
- How so? My money! Why do I need to live now? And dropped from the bridge.
2- I can't believe it. It is an accident. We argue for two bottles that you can’t get out of that guy.
1- Fits and asks a peasant nationality.
- I'm French.
1- Did you know that in France all public houses were closed?
- How is it, why should I live now? Dropped from the bridge.
2- I'm just a flashlight with you. We argue on the whiskey box that you can't convince that guy.
1- Goes to a peasant and asks nationality.
- I am Russian, so what?
1- Do you know that it is forbidden to dump from this bridge?
- Yes, I shit on your laws! - Dropped from the bridge.

If the bun were eggs, he would have beaten them!
Riding three Narka smoked by car. They stop at a traffic light and stand for a long time. The traffic light flashes: red, yellow, green, yellow, red, yellow, green, yellow ... Two people sitting in the back seat ask who is driving:
- Vasek, and what are we worth?
He answered them:
- Yes, I, bl #, do not have time!
If in America it is politically correct to call blacks blacks, then it may be politically correct for us to call Jews Israelis.
If an Estonian has overtaken you in Latvia, then you are a Finn.
If smart women really were smart, no one would ever know about it.
“Last year I was lucky to kill nine partridges with two shots!”
- And you probably shot at the eggs? I guess?
“Why don't you shoot this hare?”
- Do not you see how he runs? Maybe still mad, well, to hell with him!
After the game is shot, the hunter asks for a partner:
- Go see what kind of beast I laid
He returns:
- Judging by the passport, his name is Johnson.
Traffic cop:
“So, did you just drive here?”
- Well, we.
- A sign on the turn seen? I ask: did you see the sign on the turn or not?
- Saw.
- My son drew!

- And I would like to be the Bolshoi Theater.
- To manage?
- No, be by the Bolshoi Theater! Just want to know what you feel when you give up Volochkova?
- Where are you from?
- From under Peter.
- Now everything is "from under Peter". More specifically.
- Bishkek.
- Hello, I'm Elvis Presley!
- He died.
- And I'm out of my last strength!
To become rich, you need three things: intelligence, talent, and a lot of money.
Who found the keys to the apartment building? Please do not return!
I read in the newspaper that lobsters and barracuda meat are contraindicated for me - and how to live now ?!
The peculiarity of any forest is that everyone knows the entrance, and the few exit ...
People of small stature to beat in the face is easy and simple ...
Surface tension is when the exam is free.
For three days and three nights he was kissed by Ivan, the prince of a sleeping beauty. And then he spat and buried ...
Moscow ... Navel of the Earth. If Moscow is the navel, then what then is the Moscow region?
If you can not satisfy a woman vaginally - then you can approach this problem from the other side.
It is known that Russia has two misfortunes ...
And in Belarus - one and only, the eternal, popularly elected.
- This is Artem. Artyom is the only person in the world who managed to lose an apartment in "What? Where? When?".
“What happened to Sir Elton John?” That obmater journalists, now ran over Madonna? - And he, apparently, the climax began ...
- In ancient Sparta ugly and frail children gave birth immediately to the abyss.

- The group "Leningrad" decided to sing Serdyuchka's song "Good." Work on the alteration of the word "good" has already been completed.
American geologists have discovered some Arab country over large deposits of American oil ...
The Turkmen parliament decided to extend the term of office of Turkmenbashi for another life.
Announcement: "The former convict will sit with your child willingly."
Experienced timurovtsy will flood the garden, take out the garbage and go to the store for the right to use the apartment.