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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


- Lieutenant! Is it true that you sleep with my wife? - So what? You sleep with her every day.
- Lieutenant, why are you so strangely holding the saxophone? - I want to finish on a lyrical note!
- How did you find out that the Minister of Justice is an onanist? “It is not hard to guess that he speaks too much about self-control, Colonel.”
Sit Kosh the Immortal and Bab Yaga at Iznakurnozh, and the Serpent Gorynych flies over the forest and yells: "Everything is on communist work day !!!", "Increase productivity of labor !!!", "Five-year quality - working guarantee !!!" etc. Kosh: - What is it with him? BYA: - He flew into the city - the Communists became obstinate, heartfelt.
A rape case is being heard in a telephone booth with a pan. In short, they put a man in prison and a lawyer stands up and says: _ Dear court! My ward is innocent - the growth of the defendant is 1.65, the growth of the injured is 1.98, the height of the pan is 20 cm — the inconsistency is coming out! The court retires and convicts. An attorney with the defendant leaves the courthouse and turns the corner. - You promised to tell - how could you do ????? - Had the head and held on to the handles .....
Collective farm. Chairman (P): - We are here to discuss what we should do with our tractor driver, Vassilich, stand up, - the man gets up, - who drowned the tractor in the pond. What are the suggestions? Here I see the watchman Ivanovich wants something. Watchman: - I propose to deprive him of the prize! P: - A good suggestion. Who agrees? ... unanimously. And here is our milkmaid wants to offer something. Milkmaid: - I propose to select the bulls, which he took to feed! P: - A good suggestion. Who agrees? ... unanimously. But our new smith wants to say. Mikula stand up. Mikula (M): - And can I use it with a hammer e $ well ?! P: - What are you saying !!! He is one with us - who will work? ... Well, there are no other proposals ?? Then they decided .... Mikula, what did you want? - And can I be a stable boy e $ well - we have two of them!
So, they quarreled with Russia and Turkmenistan - there will be no free gas, Saudi Arabia and Tunisia have been beaten - and there will be no free oil either. "Swiss loans! This is the last chance!" - Yushchenko muttered nervously, dialing Oleg Blokhin's number on the phone.
There is a blonde on the market and sees a man selling bones from apples. Next, the dialogue. Blonde: (with a smile) - Well, does anyone buy your bones? (Seriously) - Of course, because the bones of apples increase intelligence! (at a loss) - How is that? - But you buy and find out, 200 rubles for a dozen. The blonde bought a dozen, ate and said: - Damn, I could have 10 kg for 200 rubles. Apples to buy, and there are a lot of bones. - You see, immediately smarter. - Indeed, give me a dozen more!
At your age, son, Napoleon was the best student in the class. - Yes, Dad. And at your age he was already the emperor of France.
Gritsko approaches to Peter: - Privit, Petro! That one soaks it in the jaw. Gritsko rises: - Petro, for scho? - A schob knowing.
- Jora, why are you so yellow? - Yes, urine hit in the head. - Why bruise under the eye? - And you thought the pot passed by?
Piglet comes to Winnie the Pooh. - Winnie! What are you doing? - Honey I eat. “Why does he look so weird?” - And I eat it for the fourth time.
Winnie the Pooh returns from the zone, goes, and to meet him Piglet: - Hello, Pooh! Winnie him like a hryastnet in the face ... Piglet flies about ten meters. - What are you, Vinnie, it's me - Piglet! - Today is Piglet, and tomorrow is snitch ...
Winnie the Pooh with Piglet found a balloon. Winnie the Pooh scored in the lungs air and began to inflate the ball. Piglet stands and stares. When the ball reached a huge size Piglet blurted out: - Vinny, it will burst! - Easy, Piglet! - said Winnie the Pooh and continued to inflate. - Winnie, he will burst! - repeated Piglet. “It won't burst,” Winnie-the-Pooh gundosil and exhaled air into the balloon. At that moment there was an explosion. Piglet stood and cried, and Winnie the Pooh smiled. - Winnie, that you smile, he burst! - whined Piglet. “I’m not smiling,” Winnie answered, “my mouth was ripped open.”
Security has 2 levels - high and high ...
Gasoline is becoming more expensive, because due to the rise in price of gasoline costs for its transportation increase.
Do you know how to find a prestigious and highly paid job? Go to an unfamiliar office with the words: "Hello, I am your new director!".
In childhood, the girl Kate was very much teased. Because of the beard!
The next morning, my head ached. The body rejected the Halloween holiday alien to the Russian spirit ...
It will be much more convenient to pour vodka into glasses quickly if the bottle is uncorked beforehand.
There are no ugly Martians, there is little mutagenic uranium.
A coward is a person who has adequately assessed the situation.
Guys! Do not go with the girls in the shower! You risk not washing!
Not everyone is looking for brothers in mind, half looking for sisters for stupidity ...
"Riga Balsam" - the best mouthwash balsam!
The man does not limp. He just wants to make sure his wife is better!
Schushchut - a measure of alcohol at the end of the holiday.

My friend has a strange talent. He finds things before anyone has time to lose them ...
- Visit the "everything for football" department. There you can buy cigarettes, beer and TV.
Photo "Igor Nikolayev writes out a general power of attorney to Tarzan".
- And now Veronica and I will show the miniature "Local Doctor". - Where do you hurt? - Here. - This is not my site.
- Dad, Dad, can I have more "Rastishki"? - To grow up, son? - No, Dad! To not starve to death with hunger!
News of show business. Jennifer Lopez insured hips! Pamela Anderson - chest! Celine Dion - voice! Christina Orbakaite! Works without insurance!
A Russian liberal arrives from a business trip to Kiev. He shares his impressions: - Ukraine has run away for 30 years in development ... - What is it like ?! - Yes, they no longer have oil and gas!
New refill. A whole squad of mounted police began to regularly patrol the outskirts of the village of Matyuki. The locals are satisfied: where else can you see a herd of horses with police jackets thrown over croup and manes flying from under their hats!
A group of tourists goes through the Ussuri taiga. Suddenly a tiger pops out of the thicket. “Don't panic, the tiger is full!” - states the conductor. - How do you know?! - exclaims one of the tourists. - You do not see that Kovalenko is already half an hour away ...
- What does every husband want to hear after a hot night? - Well, finally you're at home - will you be a cold beer?
In children who were given Rastishka, the bones become 70% stronger. Numerous studies have shown that a fracture occurs only with a load of 970 N / cm2.
Sochi Sea Show "Sharks and Engineers" requires people with higher education, whom no one will look for ...
From life. Mom, dad, baby and cat ... Normal guys - but the cat's name is GAGARIN. Curiosity pierces all the familiar - why such a nickname? !! The hosts kept silence for a long time, but then on drunk the head of the family split: - We castrated him on April 12 ...
After the abolition of serfdom, each peasant received a goat and put it on ... But not everyone put it on correctly!
On the sociological question: "Are there any policemen you are not afraid of?" - the overwhelming majority of respondents answered: "Yes. This is the chorus of the Ministry of Internal Affairs!"
Two women are talking: - My husband left me! - To a woman? - To Mom! - Here's a pervert!
- And you won't take me to Paris? - the wife is interested in the husband who is leaving on a business trip. - If it was a trip to Bavaria, you probably would suggest that I take a box of beer with me?
- Yesterday got into a fight because of the girl! - With whom?!! - With my wife ...
- What are you playing here ?! - To daughters-mothers ... For money ...
In the bakery: - I loaf and half black! Oh, I apologize, half afbukhanki!
- Where to settle you? At the brothel or at the monastery? - Let's take a closer look at sin!
- I see you have white whiskey! - And what should they be? This is the "White Horse"!
What is a machine? Conversation of drivers at the gas station!
- Doctor, in my head a little man sends everyone to the dick ... - So it is easy to fix it! 1000 dollars - and no problems! - Doctor - do you know what the little man just said ?!
From life. The son is being hacked to Stalingrad on a computer ... Our soldiers are attacking and smashing the fascists with a shout "For Stalin!" I ask: - Do you even know who Stalin is? - What? - Well, our screaming when they attack ... - ??? And I thought they were yelling, "We got it, on ... !!!".
Advertising new washing powder. Tanya Ivanova, a prostitute: - I used to have to wash these spots for a long time and tiringly - and now I just swallow ...
Night. Winter. Taiga. Blizzard. The wind howls terribly ... In the middle of an empty house - on a stool - a bearded wild man. In the corner - a frightened woman. So sit. Suddenly a man jumps up, grabs a stool and ka-aaa to shy a woman on the back! - What for, Ivan?! .. - Oh, I can't sleep, Anna, I can't sleep ...
- Little Johnny, who are arthropods? - These are the ancestors of pizdokrylykh!
A man comes to a psychiatrist. He has a sock tightened on his fist ... He sits down and says sadly: - Doctor, I have a sock on my fist, it bothers me ... - Well, take it off, because it interferes ... He removes a sock - and, nodding his head joyfully: - Thank you, doctor ... Go out the door. The doctor sits and stares blankly at the door for half a minute. Then he doesn’t stand, is undermined, tears his shirt on himself and shouts over the table: - BLAAAAAAAAADI !!!!!!! ZEBAAAAAAAAL PSIHIIIIII !!!
Steep authority Stepanich is released. He is met at the gates of the prison by his sidekick Petrovich in a 15-meter jeep with a box of French brandy, a live orchestra and a bunch of awesome girls. Hugged, greeted. And drove the whole crowd to the restaurant. After a sumptuous dinner go with the girls in the sauna. Having exhausted, Stepanych and Petrovich climb into the pool with the girls. Lie down, rest. Suddenly, Stepanych feels that someone is sucking his dick. He abruptly lowers his head - and there the most beautiful girl of all who was with them in the pool. At that moment he hears Petrovich’s voice: “Stepanych, admit it - but there was a little thought, there was one!”
Vovochka's parents are returning from vacation. The apartment is in mayhem, everything is upside down, etc. In the middle of the room, Vovochka is sitting with a stopped gaze. Little Johnny, what happened ?! -.... friends came .... -Where is the piano ?! -.... listen gave ...
Pop in the parish school, leads a physics lesson: - Answer the boobies, what is the easiest thing in the world? Little Johnny pulls his hand. - Speak lad. - X * nd, father! - Justify! - From one thought gets up! “Mischievous, but fair!” Answer further, boobies, what is the hardest thing in the world? Little Johnny pulls his hand. - Speak lad. - X * nd, father! - Justify! - Do not want, and the crane will not lift! - Oh, mischievous, but fair! Answer further, boobies, what's the fastest thing in the world? Little Johnny pulls his hand. - Calm down, lad, you’ll build me all physics on x * y
A man and a woman came to the bathhouse, but the bath attendant does not give them one number. The man insists: - But this is my wife! “Oh, how clean you are!” Today is the fourth time in the bath goes!
- Oh, you lousy mug! - And you ... you are a girl! - Is it me a girl ?! Yes that you had such a hole in your forehead!
A prostitute asks another: - For the first time, you gave yourself up like: for love or for money? - Of course, for love. Three rubles - is that money!
The guy sees off the girl. They stopped near her entrance, and he says: “Can we stop by me?” Let's drink coffee, listen to music. The girl responds: - Well, I'm not so educated. I need to take time off from my parents. And leaves. Returns after 10 minutes and says: - Let's go. Let go for a while. They move away from the house, and then her window opens wide, the father pops out and shouts: “Shit shit, and who will wash it ?!”
The guy with the girl has a first date. Walked, the guy goes to escort her to the house. Suddenly reaching for her to kiss. -What are you doing??? I'm still quite innocent !!! They sat down on the bench, embraced ... The guy lowers his hand lower and lower ... Under the skirt, even further ... She told him: -Ouh! Is that your ring on your finger ?! -No, it's a watch on your hand.
There are German, French and Russian, and let's argue who has more freebies in the bars. The Frenchman says: - I come to a restaurant, order a glass of champagne, and another one is given to me for free! The German says: - And I come to the pub ordering a mug of beer, and I give two more for free !! Russian: - And I come to the disco, I buy 100 grams of vodka, and then I drink all night, I smoke, I eat everything for free, then I sit in the car, go to the bathhouse, we eat there, I have sex all night, then they land by taxi and maybe even give money !!! German and French: - Nifiga myself !!! And you tried it all? Russian: - No, my sister told me.
St. Petersburg. When laying a new metro line at a depth of 70 meters, the metro-builders discovered the building of the old Hermitage. Imagine their surprise when they rose to the surface and did not find the building of the new Hermitage! Ran out of detention prone offender Petrenko. Special signs: 18 gunshot wounds on the back and the back of the head, and the dog Mukhtar, hanging from behind. "My burden does not pull," the executioner encouraged the criminal before he was hanged. Today is a holiday in the village of M. The chairman of the committee of the rural poor turned the first light bulb of Ilyich into Krupskaya's first cartridge. Today, citizen Ivanov was beaten up on Pushkin Square. Especially for special news.
Today, a police squad, according to an idiot, has detained two robots on the street. The seventh wonder of the world takes sixth of the land. Sexual Mensheviks and sexual Bolsheviks. Seventy percent of the divorce proceedings are initiated by women, and seventy percent of women by men. A family replaces everything, so before you start it, think what is more important to you: everything or your family. "Sit, sit, do not get up," said an old professor, entering the ladies' toilet. Sidor was trying his luck like a seasoned Gestapo man ...
The power of habit. While on vacation, policeman Petrov caught fish in the lake and brutally beat her with his feet. Badly beaten truth becomes uppercase. Tales of the Marx Brothers - Friedrich and Engels. Tell me who your wife is and I will sympathize with her from the bottom of my heart. Tell your sweetheart that when you look at her face, time stops for you. And she will reward you with a kiss. But try to tell her that when you see her face, your watch stops ... Scandal on the exchange. The party of computers recently received from abroad has split. Half of the computers announced their withdrawal from the party. No matter how many fools you teach, he only becomes a more learned fool.
A new teacher comes to class: -Hello, children. My name is Marihunna Gasishevna ... From today we will have everything in a new way .... And so, who will tell me how birds fly? The whole class is another: -Why !!!!!!!!! -And how do cars drive? -Ha wheels !!!!!!! -What do cows eat in winter? -Trail !!!!!!! -So here are guys, birds fly in flocks, cars drive along the road, cows eat hay in winter, and my surname is OBLOMOVA !!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a man cut off the matter on the suit. I went to Moscow to a tailor supposedly want a costume anyway. He measured the peasant and grit - not enough here for your figure. Well man in Peter - the same story. In general, traveled-traveled, nowhere can not sew. Came to Odessa. I went to the tailor, he died, took a cut and asked to come after a week. Th / a week a man comes, give him pants, measured it - like a glove. They give a vest - how was born in it. Give a jacket - straight on the nose. Well, the man was very surprised and asked: - How did you do that? In Moscow, St. Petersburg, etc. they said that there was not enough matter on my figure, but you had enough of everything! A tailor (an old such Jew): - You are there in Moscow and St. Petersburg, a figure, and here you are shitty. Will we measure the cap?
In kindergarten Idt preparation for the holiday ... - Ilya, and who will you be? - zhikom ;-) - Are you Julia? - Fox !!! - Well, who are you, Kostya ??? - And I will wear a brown-suited suit, I pay for it by shit and I will ruin the whole carnival !!
“Why did the Soviets send troops precisely to Afghanistan?” - They decided to start alphabetically.
A poster on the Soviet military base in Afghanistan: "Soviet soldiers! If you show yourself well here, the Motherland will send you to rest in Yugoslavia!"
- Who borders the Soviet Union? - With whom he wants, so he borders.
Is it possible to consider morning blowjob "breakfast in bed"?
An employee is the one who is hired all the time.
A boxer is easier to defend a dissertation than to write it.
But women look like blue ... How disgusting!
Nefertiti had two nefertitki, neferpopka and neferpipka ...
Vodka is extremely useful for men. Especially when a woman drinks her!
If you believe that every time you break a mirror, one of your relatives dies, then it turns out that orphans are working at glass factories ...
Come! Had seen! Crocodile!
Loving the gorilka, lard and revolution, and not loving Russians is not enough to call oneself a Ukrainian patriot.
If it is written on the products that you consume, that they are made using a unique technology, then no one will ever use the usual methods to determine what you died from.
The switch on the wall came up with a bummer, because a hardworking person would not be too lazy to climb into a chair and unscrew a light bulb!
Due to numerous requests, the button “Make pizdato” will appear in the Russian localization of the new version of Rhotoshore.
- There are two fools ... - Of course! Would be smart, would meet with girls.
- I'm getting married tomorrow ... - For love? - Her dad said: "Anyway!".
- You know, my dear - this time my Semen was very lucky in the hunt ... He was not shot down!
- And today I helped my grandmother to cross the road - I just slowed down in time ...
- You do not make me angry - for me, just that the tower is being demolished, I immediately grab the trunk! Hunt you then tear me away from the tree?
A friend asks: "Do you know a sentence consisting of three words, and all three are verbs?". It turns out - "Go buy a drink!".
- Honey, I dreamed that you and I were in an unfamiliar city, and I lost you. I was so worried. - Well, and you found me? - And where did you get what I was looking for you?
- Honey, I have a surprise for you! - Did you get a prize? - Exactly! In the amount of three salaries! - Well done! - And with all this money I bought you a bunch of flowers! - Moron!
The registrar, a wedding, costs a lot of cars, a crowd of people nearby. A man is walking by with a little boy. The kid asks: - Dad, did someone move here? Dad, detached: - Well, you could say that ...
- Good day! - Good day! - And what are you mocking me ?! You cho, doctor, have you found the weak? Found someone you can recoup, right ?! But I now complain to the head physician, understand? "Good day"! It teases me, goat ... You have a good day! .. Well, okay, I have everything, it seems to feel better ... Goodbye! - Goodbye! - Oh, you goat - again teasing? !!!
- Little Johnny, that you gave a birthday? - You see, under the window, Mercedes 600th, turquoise? - Yeah! Cool car !! - That's exactly the same color cap ...
... But now I know what the announcement on the doors of the store means: "For technical reasons, the store is open on July 5 from 9 to 15, on July 6 from 11 to 19". This means that on July 5th, the director has a birthday.
Moldovan scientists crossed the rabbit and Pavlov's dog. God forbid you enter the cell and turn on the light.
- You know, chef, a mole is the most profitable animal. - Why? - If he dies - no need to bury him.
- Listen, retired cash benefits replaced! - How do you know how? - Do not believe it - I met my grandmother in a casino!
- Toast, certainly a toast! - You have everything, I want to wish you what you lack ... - For calcium!
- So, let's go talk like a man! Well, well - the key came up, the apartment is the same! But the fact that in the cistern a float of a different color - you could not help but notice!
- And erase the obscene word from the boatswain's door! - This is his last name! - Is he living there with all the relatives ?! He has the whole door written out!
What can be seen from space, flying over Moldova? The chaotic movement of Ionov.
- Why is the bread not fresh ?! - And you press harder!
Now, to become a deputy of the Verkhovna Rada of Ukraine, you don’t need to search and buy votes for long, you don’t need clever words and beautiful speech, you will not care how you look on the TV screen: register in Our Hand-to-Hand Battle Section and just win a chair that you like.
At the station: - Well, sho, fuck - meet guests from St. Petersburg, the cultural capital of Russia ...
- Oh, you are so smart ... you do not shake the skull? - Imagine, shakes! And so tightly shakes that as much gyrus appear ...
- Hello, I am Dr. Mayorov, I will bring you out of the binge, and if I don’t get it, I’ll make a company.
Stepmother: - Cinderella! I mixed beer with vodka! Until you separate beer from vodka - you will not go to the ball! Cinderella: - The Cross Fairy! Freebie! Go help!
- Citizens vacationers, I remind you that there is a rescue service on the beach. Anyone can come to the service and put a candle for salvation.
- Olesya! Fuck your mother! - Yes, mom ... I'm all for it! ..
England. A pub. Two girls of domestic production rest, leaning on the Bloody Mary. Especially for those who do not know how this cocktail sounds in English - it sounds like this (Russian transcription) "Good Mary". It should be noted that the girls are advanced and the name of the cocktail at the moment is exposed to the Russian accent. And one of them gets up from the table and scratches the powder on the nose. The second one loudly says the following phrase to her: “You will pass by the stand - order us two whores!” Does it need to be explained that the bar immediately revealed our other compatriots who survived a severe cultural shock ...
He came to the symphony orchestra of a new conductor ... Well, he thinks how to immediately gain lasting prestige from the musicians. I thought and thought and came up with it: I sneaked into the orchestra pit at night, I found the notes of the second trombone, and in one place I added "flat" to the note "si". I remembered well what place he had done - and went home ... The next morning he came to the rehearsal. The orchestra plays the notes. Only they reach this place, conductor: "stop-stop, someone is fake, please, once again from the third digit ...". We started with the third digit, in the same place again: “stop-stop, please, from the fifth bar some brass ...” They play only brass. Conductor again: "Stop, stop, please, from the same place, but now some trombones." We played some trombones. The conductor says: - The second trombone, you play the B-flat for the third part, but you have to play the B-bak. The second trombone: - No, my dear - for fifteen years I have been playing C-bakar at this place, despite the fact that I have drawn a flat fag here ...
An exhibition on achievements in computer technology is taking place. The newest processors from Intel with a frequency of 2.2 gigahertz, AMD Atlon XP, as well as the first processor of the Zelenograd Scientific-Production Association “Electronics” are presented. Processors are tested in all respects, and everywhere is leading the domestic product. Experts are in shock. They bring a powerful microscope, put the processor. One expert looks into the eyepieces and faints after a second. His colleague looks in and faints too. Commission in perplexity. The third expert looks at the microscope for a long time, and then, stuttering, says: - You will not believe it! He is a lamp!
Star Wind: Fuck, hello! Yulia_On_Work: Wow greeting :( ((Star Wind: From fucking ... finger slipped. I wanted to write "Fuck", but it turned out "Fuck." Star Wind: Julia, fucking .. you have a beautiful name .. current writing is inconvenient ... fucking .. .
... Place an accident. The car crashed into a tree. The driver sits behind the wheel motionless with bulging eyes. The traffic police officer turns to him cautionary speeches: - You see, you buckled up and did not hurt, but your friend is a fool, did not buckle up, and wallows in the bushes with someone's cock in his teeth
In times of developed socialism, the teacher conducts a lesson. Appeals to the class. - Children, tell me, how do you understand the slogan "The economy should be economical"? Masha gets up. - Before, we in the family threw out the remaining bread, and now we cut and make croutons out of it. No waste. Saving. - Right Masha, sit down. Katya gets up. - And we cleaned the potatoes, then cooked, cleaning thrown away. Now we cook it first and then remove the thin peel, there is no waste. - That's right, Kate, sit down. Little Johnny Rises. - And we kicked the mother out of the house. - Unclear. - And Che is not clear. I am big, I do not suck a soska, the folder is not worth it for a long time. And the fuck we have an extra mouth in the family.
Three pensioners are sitting in the square. One of them sighs. The other sighs even harder. The third one explodes: - Damn it, that you are all the time about politics, but about politics ?!
- Imagine, my daughter ran off with Glinsky! - Himself to blame. Why did he allow him to visit your house so often? Why, I thought he was caring for my wife!
The husband comes home, and on the balcony is a man. - You see, jumped with a parachute, the wind drifted. “It happens,” says my husband, “yesterday I was looking for a geologist in the toilet for oil ...”
The male mind is valued above the female because it is less common ...
If you are smart, then why are you talking?
It is difficult to talk about the friendship of Ukraine and Russia, when there is a fork on one coat of arms, and a chicken on the other.
It is best to listen to a woman through the phonendoscope.
Taxi "Chance" - faster only on foot.
Never call a man a fool. Better borrow from him.
She arrogantly squeezed her mouth to the smallest diameter ...
Scientists have found that the Chinese are infecting other people! That is how they multiply.
How did the world change? In the light of the current understanding of things, the verb “touch up” takes on a meaning that is polarly different from the original!
Russian people can drink everything. Even whiskey and even in the gateway. But better vodka and better in the workplace.
A real intellectual is a person who has a lot of thought about his absolutely no concern.
In some major hemispheres, they are protected by a skull, in others - by pants, and in the third by a bra ...
Many unresolved issues can be resolved if you forget about them and go fishing for fishing.
True sign. When you are well, your friends are well, everyone who is close is good, relatives are very good, friends and sometimes good! So you have been elected a deputy!
A little boy asks dad: - Dad - tell a fairy tale ... Dad, thinking ... in a low voice: - Well, listen ... Tomorrow ... dad will come home early ... sober ... buy mom flowers, and you - tricycle ...
- Son - look, what a delicious porridge, come on, eat a spoon for dad ... well, a spoon for mom ... well for grandmother ... Listen, son, let's eat - mother will come, you will hit two ...
Husband returns early from a business trip. The wife is at the stove, the bed is made, in the house, except for her, nobody. Husband: - Am I mistaken about the apartment? Wife: - On you, damn, you will not please!
At customs: - Do you have gold? - There is! - And the weapon? - There is! - And the drugs? - There is! - Wow, can I take a picture with you?
The sex change operation was successful. I am pretty.
From life. The baptism of my friend ... In godfathers - not the last rank of the FSO. Already the end of the ceremony, the priest gives the baptismal instructions about the righteous life. Like, you have to fast, to take communion and confess ... Godmother, sighing and a little to the side, thinks out loud: - If I confess, then I will have this priest right here and fill up ...
On the label: "Dried bananas. Thirty years on the Russian market!".
Tomik Pushkin - tenderly call Tamara Ivanovna Pushkin colleagues.
The game on TV "Sochni shorter song." Igor Nikolaev: - I will compose a song of 30 words! Dima Malikov: - I will compose a song of 15 words! Ukupnik: - I will compose a song of 3 words! Cord: - And I - from three letters!
Ilya Muromets stopped at a roadside stone at a fork in the road, and it says: "If you go straight, you lose your head, go to the right, take the bride, go to the left, the robbers rob". Ilya scratched a turnip and said: - And I will go, I will ride a horse! This is how the first chess player appeared in Russia.
Two drunk at a clothing store. One hardly speaks: - Girl, can I meet you? The second grabs him by the jacket and with the words: "Fool, this is a mannequin!" - leads away!
"But stay in my skin," said the Gray Wolf and swallowed Red Shapochka.
From the application of the girl on the radio: - I ask for my boyfriend to convey V. Kuzmin’s song “When are you with me?”.
The victim is recorded damage from theft: - ... and a bottle of vodka. - What, and a bottle of vodka taken away? The protocol did not seem to be indicated! - No, we drank it with grief ...
- Andrey, I don’t sell vodka and cigarettes in the store! - Irochka, in Ukraine everything is according to the law: you can buy vodka from the age of 21, cigarettes - from 18, and married - from 14 years. - I did not get that?!! - Well, how old are you? - 14. - Do you want to get married? - Yes! - So - at your wedding there will be no vodka or cigarettes ...
- Eat bread, son. - But I do not like bread ... - Eat - and you will become big and strong. - What for?! - To earn bread ... - But I do not like bread!
- What do you associate with dark blue color? - I associate dark blue with idiotic questions ...
- Dad, I want a earring in my ear ... - Well, insert it, son - who does not allow you ?! - Me, Dad, Seryozhka not allow!
Fort Bayard. - Lena, what is it? - Here the elephant sleeps! - The key is under it! - Got it! What's next? - Insert the key into the hole! - Inserted! - What's happening? - The elephant woke up ...
Boris Moiseyev ... He does not dance very well, sings disgustingly ... Apparently, he is a fagot unimportant!
A girl walks down the street, a man approached her: - Girl, I want to fuck you right here! I’ll throw $ 500 at your feet - and while you pick them up - I blow it from behind and leave ... She became thoughtful and, saying, "Just a minute," took out a mobile and told a friend about the offer. Girlfriend: - Listen, as long as he takes off his pants - you will have time to raise your grandmother and escape. Call me later. An hour and a half later she called. Girlfriend: - Why are you so long ?! - Yes, this fag $ 500 was a trifle!
- Where are you going? How many from the balcony I shout "Vova, go home !!" ... Can't you hear me? Basically you do not hear me? - Mom, you don’t have to shout ... - You tell me more - I need to scream or I don’t need to scream !! Look at you !!! Look at your pants! - Where? - Here !! At the pocket. What a stain again? - I do not know ... Leaned ... - He leaned !! You walk and lean all day! No to do business !! Do not push on you !! March hands wash !!! - I have clean ... - Marsh I SAID, WASH HANDS !!!!!! And at the table !! Show your hands. Probably again without soap? Wet and smeared on a towel? Yes you are a villain! Monster!! Look what you did with the towel !!! At the table ... Take your elbows off the table !! Take bread !! Who is holding a spoon? Sit exactly - do not swing !!! BABAH !!!! (A fist on the table.) - So, mom ... The fact that you are my wife's mother does not give you the right to yell at me! Either you calm down or you immediately go to the station and go home ... (sobbing and sobbing) - Monster ... I knew that you would not be happy ... And I gave my daughter out for such a person ...