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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

- Lieutenant! Is it true that you are sleeping with my wife? - So what? You sleep with it every day.
- Lieutenant, why are you holding the saxophone so strangely? - I want to end on a lyrical note!
"How did you know that the Minister of Justice is an onanist?" "It's not hard to guess, he talks too much about self-control, Colonel."
Sitting Kosh Immortal and Bab Yaga at Iznakurnozh, and above the forest flies Serpent Gorynych and yells: "All for the communist subbotnik !!!", "Increase productivity !!!", "Five-year quality - a working guarantee!" etc. Kosh: - What's with him? BJ: - I flee to the city flew - the communists cheered, hearty.
The case of rape in a telephone booth with a pan is being heard. In short, they put the peasant out and then a lawyer stands up and says: _ Dear court! My ward is innocent - the growth of the defendant - 1.65, the growth of the injured - 1.98, the height of the pan - 20 cm - the nasty match goes out! The court retires to the meeting and acquits an acquittal. The lawyer with the defendant exits the courthouse and turns around the corner. - You promised to tell - how could you still ????? - I hung on my head and held the handles .....
Meeting on the collective farm. Chairman (P): - We are here to discuss what we should do with our tractor driver, Vasilich, stand up, - the peasant stands up - who drowned the tractor in the pond. What are the proposals? So I see the watchman Ivanovitch wants something. The watchman: - I propose to deprive him of the prize! P: - A good offer. Who agrees? ... Unanimously. But our milkmaid wants to offer something. Milkmaid: - I propose to select the bulls, which he took for sustenance !! P: - A good offer. Who agrees? ... Unanimously. But our new blacksmith wants to say. Mikula, get up. Mikula (M): - And can I have it with a hammer e $ well ?! P: - Yes you that !!! He has one - who will work? ... Well, there are no other suggestions? Then they decided .... Mikula, what did you want? - And can I groom e $ well - we have two!
So, with Russia and Turkmenistan quarreled - there will be no free gas, Saudi Arabia and Tunisia are beaten - and no free oil will be either. "Swiss loans, this is the last chance!" - nervously muttered Yushchenko, dialing on the phone number Oleg Blokhin.
There is a blonde on the market and sees how a man sells bones from apples. Then the dialogue. Blonde: (with a smile) - Well, does anyone buy your bones? (serezno) - Of course, because the bones of apples increase the intellect! (in perplexity) - It's like? - And here you buy and find out, 200 rubles a dozen. The blonde bought a dozen, ate and said: "Damn, I could have 10 kg for 200 rubles. apples to buy, and there are many bones. "You see, they immediately became wiser." "Indeed, give me a dozen more!"
At your age, son, Napoleon was the best student in the class. - Yes, Dad. And at your age he was already the emperor of France.
Gritsko approaches Peter: "He will bring, Petro!" The one who will soak him in the jaw. Gritsko goes up: "Petro, for the shcho?" "And knowing."
"Zhora, why are you so yellow?" - Yes, piss in the head hit. - And why the bruise under the eye? "Did you think the pot flew by?"
Piglet comes to Winnie the Pooh. - Winnie! What are you doing? - Honey I eat. "Why does he look so strange?" "I've been eating it for the fourth time."
Returns Winnie the Pooh from the zone, goes, and towards him Piglet: - Hello, Pooh! Winnie him like a snap on the muzzle ... Piglet flies about ten meters. - What are you, Winnie, it's me - Piglet! - Today Piglet, and tomorrow a stool ...
Winnie the Pooh with Piglet found a balloon. Winnie the Pooh took in the lungs of air and began to inflate the ball. Piglet stands and looks. When the ball reached a huge size Piglet blurted out: - Winnie, it will burst! - Easy, Piglet! said Winnie the Pooh and continued to puff. "Winnie, he's going to burst!" repeated Piglet. "It will not burst," Winnie the Pooh said, and breathed air into the balloon. At that moment, there was an explosion. Piglet stood and cried, and Winnie the Pooh smiled. "Winnie, you're smiling, he's burst!" - Puglet whined. "I'm not smiling," answered Vinny, "my mouth broke."
Security has 2 levels - high and neuh ...
Gasoline rises in price, because because of the rise in price of gasoline prices, the costs for its transportation increase.
Do you know how to find a prestigious and highly paid job? Go into an unfamiliar office with the words: "Hello, I'm your new director!".
In childhood, the girl Katya was very much teased. Because of the beard!
The next morning my head ached. The organism rejected the holiday chelovin that was alien to the Russian spirit ...
Quickly pour over glasses of vodka will be much more convenient if the bottle is previously uncorked.
There are no ugly Martians, there is little mutagenic uranium.
A coward is a person who has adequately assessed the situation.
Guys! Do not go with the girls in the shower! You risk not to be washed!
Not everyone is looking for brothers by reason, half is looking for sisters by stupidity ...
"Riga Balsam" - the best balm-conditioner for the oral cavity!
A man does not debauch. He just wants to make sure his wife is better!
"Shchushchut" - a measure of alcohol at the end of the holiday.

My friend has a strange talent. He finds things before anybody has time to lose them ...
- Visit the "Everything for Football" department. There you can buy cigarettes, beer and TV.
Photo "Igor Nikolaev writes out a general power of attorney to Tarzan".
- And now we with Veronica will show a miniature "District doctor". "Where does it hurt?" - Here. - This is not my site.
- Dad, Dad, but can I still "Rastishki"? "To grow up, son?" - No, Dad! To starve not die!
News of show business. Jennifer Lopez insured her hips! Pamela Anderson - chest! Celine Dion - the voice! Christina Orbakaite! Works without insurance !!!
A Russian liberal arrives from a business trip to Kiev. She shares her impressions: "Ukraine ran away for 30 years ahead of development ..." "How's that ?!" - Yes, they already have no oil and gas!
New replenishment. A whole platoon of mounted police began regular patrolling of the outskirts of the village of Matyuki. The local people are happy: where else will you see the herd of horses with the police tunics and manes thrown over the crook, fluttering from under their caps!
A group of tourists is walking along the Ussuri taiga. Suddenly a tiger jumps out of the thicket. - Without panic, the tiger is full! - says the conductor. - How do you know?! - exclaims one of the tourists. - Do not you see that Kovalenko has not been here for half an hour ...
- What does every husband dream of after a hot night? - Well, finally you're at home - will you get a cold beer?
In children, who were given "Rastishka", the bones become stronger by 70%. Numerous studies have shown that fracture occurs only at a load of 970 N / cm2.
The Sochi sea show "Sharks and engineers" requires people with higher education, which no one will look for ...
From life. Mom, Dad, baby and cat ... Normal guys - but the cat's name is GAGARIN. All friends are curious - why such a nickname? !! The hosts kept silence for a long time, but then the head of the family broke up drunk: "We castigated him on April 12 ...
After the abolition of serfdom, every peasant received a goat and put it on ... But not everyone put it right!
On the sociological question: "Are there policemen who you are not afraid of?" - the overwhelming majority of the respondents answered: "Yes, it's a chorus of the Ministry of Internal Affairs!".
Two women are talking: - My husband left me! "A woman?" - To Mom! "What a pervert!"
"Will not you take me to Paris?" - the wife is interested in the husband leaving on business trip. "If it was a trip to Bavaria, would you suggest I bring a box of beer with me?"
- Yesterday I had a fight because of the girl! - With whom?!! - With my wife ...
- What are you playing here? - In the daughter-mother ... On the money ...
In the bakery: - I have a loaf and half a cup! Oh, I'm sorry, half afrobuhanki!
- Where do you want to live? At a brothel or at a monastery? "Let's get closer to sin!"
"I see that your whiskey is white!" - And what should they be? This is the "White Horse"!
What is an automaton? Talk drivers at the gas station!
- Doctor, in my head a little man fucking sends everything ... - So it's easy to fix! 1000 dollars - and no problems! - Doctor - do you know what the little man said right now ?!
From life. The son is hacked in the "Stalingrad" on the computer ... Our soldiers attack and destroy the fascists with a shout "For Stalin!". I ask: - Do you even know who Stalin is? - What ?! - Well, - our people shout when they go on the attack ... - ??? And I thought they were yelling, "Get it, on ... !!!".
Advertising of new washing powder. Tanya Ivanova, a prostitute: - Previously, I had long and tiring to wash these spots - and now I just swallow ...
Night. Winter. Taiga. Blizzard. The wind howls terribly ... In the middle of an empty log hut - on a stool - a bearded, wildish peasant. In the corner is a frightened woman. So they sit. Suddenly the peasant jumps up, grabs a stool and ka-ah-ah-sharahnet the woman on the back! "What for, Ivan?" "Oh, I can not sleep with Anna, I can not sleep ..."
- Vovochka, who are such arthropods? - These are the ancestors of the pizodokrylyh!
A man comes to a psychiatrist. He sits on his fist and pulls his sock ... Sits down and sadly says: "Doctor, I have a sock on my fist, he's hindering me ..." "Well, take it off, once it gets in the way ..." He takes off his sock - and nodding happily: - Thank you, doctor ... Going out the door. The doctor sits and half a minute stared stupidly at the door. Then he can not stand it, it is undermined, he tears his shirt and tilting the table, he yells: - BLYAAAAAAAAAD !!!!!!! ZAEBAAAAAALI PSYCHIHIIII!
The steep authority of Stepanich comes to freedom. He is met at the gate of the prison by his sidekick Petrovich on a 15-meter jeep with a box of French cognac, a live band and a bunch of awesome girls. We embraced and greeted each other. And drove the whole crowd to the restaurant. After a luxurious dinner, they go with the girls to the sauna. After steaming, Stepanich and Petrovich climb with the girls into the pool. Lie, relax. Suddenly Stepanych feels that someone is sucking his cock. He sharply lowers his head - and there is the most beautiful girl from all who was with them in the pool. At that moment he hears Petrovich's voice: - Stepanovich, confess - but there was a thought, it was!
Parents Vovochka come back from vacation. In the apartment there is a pogrom, everything is upside down, etc. In the middle of the room Vovochka sits with a stopped look. -Witch, what happened ?! -.... friends came .... -Where is the piano ?! -.... listen to give ...
The priest in the parish school, leads the lesson of physics: - Answer the boobies, what is easiest in the world? Vovochka is drawing a hand. "Tell the boy." "Hm, father!" - Justify! - From one thought rises! - It's mischievous, but it's fair! Answer further, boobies, what is the hardest thing in the world? Vovochka is drawing a hand. "Tell the boy." "Hm, father!" - Justify! "He will not, and you can not raise it with a crane!" "Oh, it's mischievous, but it's fair!" Answer further, boobies, what is the fastest thing in the world? Vovochka is drawing a hand. "Quit the boy, so you'll build all the physics for me on x * y."
A man with a woman came to the bath, but the bathhouse attendant does not give them one number. The man insists: - But this is my wife! "Oh, how clean she is!" Today is the fourth time in the bath!
"Oh, you ugly face!" "And you ... you're a girl!" - Am I the kind of girl ?! Yes that you have a hole in your forehead!
The prostitute asks the other: - Did you give yourself for the first time as: for love or for money? - Of course, for love. Three rubles - is this money!
The guy sees off the girl. Near her entrance they stopped and he says: - Can we come to me? We will drink coffee, listen to music. The girl answers: - Well, I'm not so well-mannered. I need to take time off from my parents. And leaves. Returns in 10 minutes and says: - Let's go. Let go for a little while. They move away from the house, and then her window opens, her father protrudes and screams: "I've taken a shit, and who will wash?"
The guy with the girl first date. Have a walk, the guy goes to see her home. Suddenly he reaches out to kiss her. -What are you doing??? I'm still completely innocent !!! They sat down on the bench, hugging ... The guy drops his hand lower and lower ... Under the skirt, even further ... She told him: -Oh! It's for you, ring on your finger ?! -No, it's a clock on my arm.
There are German, French and Russian and let's argue who has more freebies in bars. The Frenchman says: - I come to a restaurant, order a glass of champagne, and I get another one for free! The German says: - And I come to the pub order a mug of beer, and I get two more free !! Russian: - And I come to the disco, I buy 100 grams of vodka, and then I drink all night, I smoke, I eat everything for free, then I get into the car, we go to the bath, there's drinking, sex all night, then they're put in a taxi, they take me home and more money can be given! The German with the Frenchman: - Nifiga yourself! And you tried all this? Russian: - No, the sister told.
St. Petersburg. When laying a new subway line at a depth of 70 meters metrostroevtsy found the building of the old Hermitage. Imagine their surprise when they climbed to the surface and did not find the building of the new Hermitage! Petrenko, a recidivist, escaped from prison. Special signs: 18 gunshot wounds on the back and neck, and the dog Mukhtar, hanging from behind. "His burden does not pull," - the offender was encouraged by the hangman before he was hanged. Today in the village of M. holiday. The chairman of the committee of the rural poor turned the first bulb of Ilyich into the first patron of Krupskaya. Today a citizen Ivanov was beaten on Pushkin Square. Especially for special News.
Today, the militia detachment, according to the identification data, detained two robots on the street. The seventh miracle of the world takes the sixth part of the land. Sexual Mensheviks and sexual Bolsheviks. Seventy percent of divorce proceedings are instituted by women, and seventy percent of women are initiated by men. Family replaces everything, so before you start it, think about what's important to you: everything or family. "Sit, sit, do not get up," said the old professor, going into the women's toilet. Sidor tortured happiness like a mother Gestapo ...
The force of habit. While on vacation, militiaman Petrov caught fish in the lake and brutally beat her with legs. Strongly trite truth becomes capital. Tales of the brothers Marx - Friedrich and Engels. Tell me who your wife is, and I will sympathize with her. Tell your lover that when you look at her face, time stops for you. And she will reward you with a kiss. But try to tell her that when you see her face, you stop the clock ... The scandal on the stock exchange. The recently acquired computer batch of computers has split. Half of the computers announced their withdrawal from the party. How many fools he does, he only becomes more learned fool.
A new teacher comes to the class: -High, children.Menya's name is Makhihunna Hashyshevna ... From today we will all have a new way .... And so, who will tell me how birds fly? The whole class is needed: -Kyoshkom !!!!!!!!! -And how do cars drive? On the wheels !!!!!!! -And what do cows eat in winter? -Travka !!!!!!! -There are guys, birds fly in packs, cars drive along the road, horses eat hay in winter, and my name is OBLOMOVA !!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a man a piece of cloth for a suit. Went in Moscow to the tailor of the pier de and so I want a suit. He measured the man and grit - there is not enough here on your figure. Well man in Peter - the same story. In general, I went-went, can not sew anywhere. I came to Odessa. I went to the tailor, he measured it, took a cut and asked to come for a week. A week later the peasant comes, gives him trousers, measured - as if poured. They give a waistcoat - how it was born in it. Give a jacket - straight tyutelka in tyutelku. Well, the peasant was surprised and asked: - How did it happen? In Moscow, St. Petersburg, etc. said that my figure of matter is not enough, but you have enough for everything! Tailor (old such a Jew): - It's you there in Moscow and Peter's figure, but here you are shit. We will measure the cap?
In the kindergarten there is preparation for a holiday ... - Ilya, and who are you going to be? - zhikom ;-) - And you are Julia? - Fox! - Well, and who are you Kostya ?? - And I'll wear a brown suit, I'll argue with shit and spoil you with the whole carnival !!
Why did the Soviets bring troops to Afghanistan? - They decided to start in alphabetical order.
A poster on the Soviet military base in Afghanistan: "Soviet soldiers, if you are good at showing yourself here, the Motherland will send you to rest in Yugoslavia!"
- With whom does the Soviet Union border? - With whom he wants, with that and borders.
Is it possible to consider morning blowjob "breakfast in bed"?
A hired worker is one who is constantly being hired.
It is easier for a Boxer to defend a dissertation than to write it.
But the women look so blue on the blue ... What a shame!
Nefertiti had two non-defaults, a non-fuel and a nonfertp ...
Vodka is extremely useful to men. Especially when a woman drinks it!
If you believe that every time you break a mirror, you die one of the relatives - it turns out that in the glass factories there are round orphans ...
Has come! Had seen! Crocodile!
Loving gorilka, bacon and revolution, and not loving Russians - this is not enough to call yourself a Ukrainian patriot.
If the products that you use say that they are made using a unique technology, then by usual methods no one will ever determine from what you died.
A switch on the wall came up with a lazy person, because a hard-working person would not be too lazy to climb a chair and unscrew a light bulb!
By popular demand, a new button will appear in the Russian localization of the new version of Rothoshor - "Make crap".
- There are two fools ... - Of course! Would be smart, would meet with the girls.
"I'll marry tomorrow ..." "For love?" - Her dad said: "In any way!".
"You know, my dear - my Semyon this time was very lucky on the hunt ... He was not shot!"
- And today I helped my grandmother to cross the road - just braked in time ...
- You do not make me angry - I just grabbed the tower, I just grab for the trunk! Hunting then you have to tear me from the tree?
The friend asks: "Do you know a sentence consisting of three words, and all three are verbs?". It turns out - "Go buy a drink!".
- Honey, I dreamed that we were in an unfamiliar city, and I lost you. I was so worried. "Well, did you find me?" - And where did you get that I was looking for you?
"Darling, I have a surprise for you!" - Did you get a prize? - Right! In the amount of three salaries! - Well done! "And I bought you a bouquet of flowers for all this money!" - Idiot!
ZAGS, a wedding, there are a lot of cars, near a crowd of people. A man with a little boy walks by. The kid asks: - Dad, has someone moved here? Dad, with a sigh: - Well, you can say that ...
- Good afternoon! - Good afternoon! "Why are you making fun of me?" You cho, doctor, you found the weak, or what? Found on whom you can recoup, huh ?! And I'll immediately complain to the head physician, understand? "Good afternoon"! He teases me, the goat ... It will be a good day for you! .. Well, I have everything, it seemed better ... Goodbye! - Bye! "Oh, you goat, are you teasing again?"
- Vovochka, what did they give you for your birthday? "You see, right under the window, Merc's 600th, turquoise?" - Aha! Cool car !! - That's exactly the same color as the cap ...
... But I now know what the ad means on the door of the store: "For technical reasons, the store runs on July 5 from 9 to 15 hours, on July 6 from 11 to 19 hours." This means that on July 5 the director has a birthday.
Moldovan scientists crossed the rabbit and Pavlov's dog. God forbid you enter the cage and turn on the light.
"You know, chief, a mole is the most profitable animal." - Why? "If he dies, do not bury him."
- Look, pensioners have been replaced by money! - And how do you know? - Do not believe me - I met my grandmother at the casino!
"Toast, you must be toast!" - You have everything, I want to wish you something that you do not have ... - For calcium!
- So, let's go talk like a man! Well, the key came up, the apartment is the same! But the fact that in the drain tank a float of a different color - you could not help but notice!
- And erase from the door of the boatswain an obscene word! "This is his name!" "Is he living there with all his relatives?" His whole door is covered!
What can you see from space, flying over Moldova? Chaotic motion of the Ions.
"Why is not the bread fresh?" - And you press harder!
Now, to become a deputy of the Verkhovna Rada of Ukraine, you do not have to search and buy votes for a long time, you do not need smart words and beautiful speech, you will not care how you look on the television screen: sign up for our Hand-to-Hand Fight Section and just conquer your favorite chair.
At the station: - Well sho, shit - meet guests from St. Petersburg, the cultural capital of Russia ...
- Oh, you're so smart ... you do not press a skull? - Imagine, it presses! And so much presses that already the convolutions appear ...
"Hello, I'm Dr. Mayorov, I'll get you out of the drinking-bout, and if I do not get it, I'll draft the company."
Stepmother: - Cinderella! I mixed beer with vodka! Until you separate the beer from vodka - you will not go to the ball! Cinderella: - Godfather! Freebie! Go help!
- Citizens vacationers, I remind you that the beach is a rescue service. Everyone can come to the service and put a candle for salvation.
- Olesya! Fuck your mother! - Yes, Mom ... I just ...!
England. A pub. Two maidens of domestic production rest, leaning on Bloody Mary. Especially for those who do not know how this cocktail sounds in English - it sounds like this (Russian transcription), "Mary's Bloody." It should be noted that the girls are advanced and the name of the cocktail at the moment is exposed to the Russian accent. And now one of them gets up from the table and scratches his nose. The second loudly after her says the following phrase: - You will pass by the counter - order us two whores! Do I need to explain that the bar immediately showed up and our other compatriots living with a severe cultural shock ...
A new conductor came to the symphony orchestra ... Well, he thinks how to immediately gain a strong authority among musicians. He thought and thought: he crept into the orchestra pit at night, found the notes of the second trombone, and in one place drew the "flat" to the note "si". I remembered well, in which place he did - and went home ... The next morning he comes to the rehearsal. The orchestra plays by notes. Only they reach this place, the conductor: "stop-stop, someone is falsifying, please, again with the third figure ...". We started with the third digit, in the same place again: "stop-stop, please, from the fifth bar with some brass ..." Play one wind. Conductor again: "Stop-stop, please, from there, but now some trombones." Some trombones played. The conductor says: - The second trombone, you are on the third share playing "B-flat", but it is necessary - "si-bekar". The second trombone: - No, my friend - I've been playing "si-bekar" for fifteen years now, despite the fact that some kind of fagot drew me here "flat" ...
The exhibition is held on achievements in computer technology. The newest processors from Intel with a frequency of 2.2 gigahertz, AMD Atlon XP, as well as the first processor of Zelenograd NGO "Electronics" are presented. Processors are tested on all parameters, and everywhere the domestic product is leading. Experts are shocked. Bring a powerful microscope, lay the processor. One expert peeps into the eyepieces and in a second falls into a faint. His colleague peeks and also faints. The commission is at a loss. The third expert looks at the microscope for a long time, and then, stuttering, says: "You will not believe it!" He's a tube!
Star Wind: Fuck, hello! Yulia_On_Work: Wow greeting :( (Star Wind: From the fuck ... my finger slipped off I wanted to "fucking" write it and it turned out "fuck." Star Wind: Julia, fuck .. you have a beautiful name .. the current is uncomfortable to write ... fuck .. .
... The place of an accident. The car crashed into a tree. The driver sits at the wheel motionless with bulging eyes. The traffic police officer calls him edifying speeches: - You see, you buckled up, and did not hurt, and your girlfriend is a fool, not buckled up, and lying around in the bushes with someone's dick in your teeth
In the days of developed socialism, the teacher conducts a lesson. Appeals to the class. - Children, tell me, how do you understand the slogan "The economy should be economical"? Masha stands up. - Previously, we threw out the remaining bread in the family, but now we cut and make of it crunches. There is no waste. Saving. - Correctly Masha, sit down. Katya gets up. - And we cleaned potatoes, then cooked, cleaned up. Now it is first cooked, and then we remove the thin leather, there is no waste. - Correctly Katya, sit down. Vovochka gets up. - And we kicked the mother out of the house. - Unclear. - Th is not clear. I'm big, I do not suck a box, I do not need a folder for a long time. And fuck us an extra mouth in the family.
Three pensioners sit in the square. One sighs. The other sighs even harder. The third explodes: - Damn it, what are you all about politics, about politics ?!
"Imagine, my daughter fled with Glinsky!" - Himself to blame. Why did he let you so often in your house? Why, I thought he was taking care of my wife!
The husband comes home, and on the balcony a man. "You see, I jumped with a parachute, and the wind blew. "Sometimes," the husband says, "yesterday a geologist searched for oil in the toilet for me ..."
The male mind is valued above the female because it is less common ...
If you're smart, then why are you talking?
It is difficult to talk about the friendship of Ukraine and Russia, when a fork is on one coat of arms, and on the other - a chicken.
It is best to listen to a woman through a phonendoscope.
Taxi "Chance" - faster only on foot.
Never call a person a fool. Better borrow him.
She arrogantly squeezed her mouth to the smallest diameter ...
The scientists found out that the Chinese are infecting other people! That's how they multiply.
How the world changed after all. In the light of the current understanding of things, the verb "to caress" acquires a value that is polar different from the original!
A Russian person can drink everything. Even whiskey and even in the doorway. But better vodka and better in the workplace.
A true intellectual is a person who thinks a lot about the fact that he does not concern himself at all.
In some, the main hemispheres are protected by the skull, others - with pants, and the third - with a bra ...
Many unresolved issues can be solved if you forget about them and go fishing.
A true sign. When you feel good, your friends are good, everyone who is around, well, relatives are very nice, familiar and sometimes good sometimes! So you were elected as a deputy!
The little boy asks the pope: - Dad - tell a fairy tale ... Dad, thinking ... in a low voice: - Well, listen ... Tomorrow ... Dad will come home early ... sober ... will buy mom flowers, and you - a tricycle ...
- Sonny - look, what a delicious kashka, come on, eat a spoon for your dad ... well, a spoonful for your mother ... well, for your grandmother ... Listen to the son, let's have a snack - your mother will come, you'll hit two ...
The husband before the time comes back from a business trip. The wife at the stove, the bed is tucked, in the house, except her, no one. Husband: - Did I make a mistake in the apartment? Wife: - On you, damn, you will not please!
At the customs: - Do you have any gold? - There is! "What about weapons?" - There is! "And drugs?" - There is! - Uh, can I take a photo with you?
The operation for sex change was successful. I'm pretty.
From life. The christening of my friend ... In the godfathers - not the last rank of the FSO. Already the end of the ceremony, the priest gives an admonition to the righteous life. Like, we must fast, receive communion and confess ... The godfather, sighing and slightly to the side, thinks aloud: - If I confess - then I will have this priest right here and fill up ...
On the label: "Dried bananas. Thirty years on the Russian market!".
Tomik Pushkin - colleagues Tamara Ivanovna Pushkin tenderly call their colleagues.
Playing on TV "Make a song shorter". Igor Nikolaev: - I will compose a song of 30 words! Dima Malikov: - I will compose a song of 15 words! Укупник: - I will compose a song of 3 words! Cord: - And I - of three letters!
Ilya Muromets stopped by the roadside stone at the fork in the road, and it says: "You'll go straight - you'll lose your head, go right - the bride will be led away, to the left you'll go - the robbers will rob". Ilya scratched his turnip and said: - And I'll go, I'm a horse! That's how the first chess player appeared in Russia.
Two drunks in a clothing store. One with difficulty says: - Girl, can I meet you? The second grabs him by the jacket and with the words: "Fool, this is a mannequin!" - leads away!
"But stay in my shoes," said the Gray Wolf and swallowed the Red Cap.
From the application of the girl on the radio: - I ask for my boyfriend to transfer the song of V. Kuzmin "When me are you?".
The victims write down the damage from burglary: - ... and a bottle of vodka. - What, and took a bottle of vodka? The protocol was not specified! - No, we drank it from a grief ...
- Andrew, I do not sell vodka and cigarettes in the store! - Ira, so in Ukraine everything is legal: Vodka can be bought from the age of 21, cigarettes - from 18, and married - from 14 years. - I did not get that?!! - Well, how old are you? - 14. - Do you want to get married? - Yes! - So - at your wedding there will be no vodka, no cigarettes ...
- Eat bread, son. - But I do not like bread ... - Eat - and you will become big and strong. - What for?! - To make money on bread ... - But I do not like bread!
- What do you associate with a dark blue color? "The dark blue color is associated with idiotic questions ..."
- Dad, I want a ear ring in my ear ... - Well, put it, sonny - who does not allow you ?! - I, Dad, Seryozhka does not allow!
Fort Bayard. "Lena, what is it?" - Here the elephant is sleeping! "The key is under it!" - I've got it! What's next? "Put the key in the hole!" - I inserted it! - What's happening? - The elephant woke up ...
Boris Moiseyev ... Dances not very much, sings disgusting ... Apparently, he and the fag do something unimportant!
The girl is walking along the street, a man came up to her: "Girl, I want to fuck you right here!" I'll throw $ 500 at your feet - and while you raise them - I'll blow in behind and leave ... She thought about it and said: "Wait a minute", took out a mobile and told her friend about the offer. Girlfriend: - Listen, but while he will take off his pants - you will have time to raise your grandmothers and run away. Call me then. After an hour and a half she called. Girlfriend: - What took you so long ?! - Yes, this fagot $ 500 was a trifle!
- Where do you go? How much from the balcony I shout "Vova, home !!" ... Can not you hear me? Basically do not you hear me? - Mom, but do not scream ... - You tell me poukazyvay else - I need to scream or do not shout! Look at yourself! Look at your pants! "Where?" - Here !! At the pocket. What kind of stain again? "I do not know ... leaned against ..." He leaned against me! All day you walk and lean! No to do business! Do not rub off on you !! Wash your hand !!! - I have clean ... - Marsh I SAID, HANDS WASH !!!!!! And at the table! Show me your hands. I suppose you washed again without soap? Wet and towel smeared? Yes you rascal! Monster!! Look what you did with the towel !!! At the table ... Remove your elbows from the table !! Bread, take it !! Who holds a spoon? Sit down exactly - do not rock! BABAH !!!! (Fist on the table.) - So, Mom ... That you are my wife's mother does not give you the right to yell at me! Or will you calm down, or will you go straight to the station and go home ... (sobbing and sobbing) - A monster ... I knew that you would not be happy with me ... And for such a person I gave my daughter ...