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If the balance does not converge immediately, then there is an error in it.
Consequence: if the balance came together - two errors.
Modern women wear wigs, dye their hair, impose fake eyelashes and nails, make body shaping and facelift, insert silicone tits ... And also complain that it is now difficult to meet a real man!
Expression: went to subroutine ...
The wife and her lover are lying on the bed, suddenly the doorbell rings - the husband has arrived. Both are picked up, and here once, the lover has twisted a radiculitis, costs naked cancer, and cannot move. The husband enters, sees this picture and asks: - What is it here? The wife answers: - This is a Japanese robot to meet women in the absence of a man. Husband believed and calmed down. Wife went to the kitchen, cook dinner. The husband thought: - What only these Japanese will not think up! Oh, sorry for the woman did not! Well, yes, well, the robot is not a man, fuck it is not a pederasty, let me try. He tries to take advantage of the lover's anus, but he, strained and does not allow. Grieved husband, and muttered: - What kind of nonsense! I'll take a drill, drill and rasp and pick it up, damn it! And then the lover says in a metallic voice: - Che-lo-century, in the case of a pro-e-buoy! Try once more!
Three men argue: whose wife's butt is bigger. - At my here such! - My even more, here is such! - And my blue eyes! - says the third. - What does the eyes? - And the rest - all ass!
- Honey, I'm so tired - we have been going for two hours! - Be patient, honey, soon a halt. - I can not! I rubbed my backpack, sneakers shake, the sun bakes! - Well, what can I do, love? - Maybe you get out of a backpack?
once met an American, a Frenchman and a Russian, and let's talk about who is thumping. Well, an American says, “I swell once, in the morning I open my gloza ... my house ... my bed ... my children run around the house, they yell ... I go to the window, but my car is not mine in the yard ... Can you imagine how he swelled up, stole someone else's car ... (Frenchman) Why are you there, so I swell, wake up in the morning — my house, my bed, I turn to my right — my wife, sleepy, smiles, to my left — my mistress is a berry ... So I swelled up, both of them messed up and everything was super ... (Russian) What are you talking about !? One bold from their hamburgers, the other is an unwashed toad! You swell! Here I am swelling! I wake up in the morning ... naked ... in a garbage dump ... x @ nd stands, like a pioneer in a parade ... a crow sits on it and eggs bite me, and I have such a dry stall that I can "ky-sh- shh "I can not say ...
Georgians fell into the abyss. Another shouts to him: - Vakhtang, are you alive? - Alive! - A whole head? - Whole! - A whole hand? - Whole! - A whole leg? - Whole! - So get out! - Wa, listen! I haven't fallen yet!
The old beekeeper dies around him the whole family, relatives. Beekeeper: - Life is bullshit, but the bees ... Relatives: - Well, how is that, why? - Although, if you think about it, the bees are also bullshit.
Sarah went to the balcony to wave her husband, leaving for work. He shouts: - Sarah! Go sleep with God! - I do not hear, Abram! - Go sleep with God! - With whom, with whom? I can not hear! - I spell: with Boris, Oleg, Gosha, Oleg, Moishe! - Abram, I already slept with Gosha and Moishe. And who are Oleg and Boris? And why with Oleg twice? Is he your boss?
Nostradamus resorts to Freud: - Zizya, I had such a vision the day before, I can not understand anything ... Help! - Well, tell me ... What can I do, so to speak ... Nostradamus: - I have come to see that in the future all of Europe will walk under the sign ... - Devil ?! - interrupts Freud. - Not. That I would understand. - Cross of the Lord? “No,” Nostradamus sighs. - And then what? - EU. Some kind of incomprehensible EU. - EU! - Freud exclaims. - I knew, I believed! EU !!! Ebic Power!
In the mountains, the girls found a boy, two hours later, the women took the man to the hospital
Two lords read newspapers. - ABOUT! I heard you buried your wife yesterday. What happened? - And she, you know, died ..
- I plum purple, ripe, garden; - I am an apricot, I grew up in the south; - I'm a passion fruit. I do not know what to say.
People often ask: What is better - oral sex or Klinskoe beer? Answer: Of course, oral sex! It's nice, it relaxes, relieves stress and tension ... But, on the other hand, you will not tell your friends: "All for a blowjob, I treat !!!"
Hunter's story: - I went hunting and killed a bear! He cut one thigh from him and took it under his arm, cut off the second one - and under his arm ... He lit his cigarette and forgot what he was cracking about. - What did I say that? - yes thighs under the arms .... - yes, yes, thighs under the arms and how vdul her !!!
Is it possible to paint eggs with a brush? - You can, if the husband is not afraid of tickling.
Can a vegan love a woman? “Maybe if the woman is neither fish nor meat.”
- to powder you? - Is it included in the price of shaving? - Of course! - Then wrap me powder for my wife.
A man comes to the hairdresser: - Shave me at the highest level. Hairdresser spits on the brush and begins to soap the peasant's face. - Hey Hey! I asked for the highest category! - And at the bottom we spit on the face ...
- How to cut you? - Silently.
Edith man by car. Suddenly he had a flat tire. He got out of the car and tries to remove the wheel. Then another man comes by and asks: - Hey, what are you doing? - Yes, here I take off the wheel. Then the second man smashes the windshield and says: - Well, I, perhaps, take the tape recorder.
A conversation between two Frenchmen: - A good wife is one with a husband and a lover. - And I thought it was bad. - No, the bad one, which has only a lover. - And I thought it was fallen. - No, the fallen one who has no one. - And I thought it was lonely. - No, the lonely one with one husband.
Two buddies are sitting in a cafe. - I noticed that all people have their own oddities - says one. “I don’t have them,” answers the second. “And you do.” - what are the same? - I noticed that you stir the tea with your right hand - So what? - And most people use a spoon for this ...
In the old school in Odessa: “Mr. teacher,” the student asks, “what is the difference between a man and a woman?” “Boy,” the teacher asks. - What is your dad's shoe size? - Forty third. - And your mom? - Thirty-eighth. - So the difference, boy, between the legs.
The hare learned that on the other side of the river hemp dofiga and decided to get there. Having swum across, it means he sees - the lie is lying, it is great. He does not fit so boldly, and she told him: - Hi, beaver! Hare, full of indignation, what kind of beaver is he? - Yes, I'm not a beaver! I have what ears, tail! A fox on the drum: - Yes, you are a beaver, here, let's go ask the wolf. Go to the wolf. Wolf saw them, says: -Hi, fox, healthy, beaver. Yes, I am not a beaver !!! I am a rabbit !!! My ears are longer! - Yes, you are a beaver, I don’t see something. Here we go to ask the owl, the wisest of us. Let's go. Approach, then, to the tree where the owl is sitting. Fox with a wolf: - Hello, owl. - Hello, beavers. -: 
Talk 2 new Russian. - Hey, Tolyan went to Italy, well, so I ordered him Versace. - Well ?! - What, well? !! And he misunderstood me ...
- Comrade general! Your order is executed! - So I did not order anything! - And I did not do anything!
She: If I died unexpectedly, would you marry again? He: Of course not ... She: No? Why is it not? Don't you like being married? He: Well, where is it .... She: And how and why should you not marry anymore if you value marriage? He: Well, I would have married if it made you feel better .. She: (upset) Ah ... married would mean .. He: Well, yes! We are talking about it !! She: And would you sleep with her in our bed ??? He: Where do you think I should sleep with her? She: And instead of my photos you would put it everywhere? He: Well, I think so, of course! She: And would you let her drive my car? He: No, she has no rights .. She: - silence- He: n $$ dec ...
- Little Johnny, what are you doing? - Stay away grandma, now as it sprinkles!
Who is an intelligent person? An intelligent person is one who can distinguish Gogol from Hegel, Hegel from Bebel, Bebel from Babel, Babel from the cable, cable from the dog, dog from the bitch, and bitch from the bag. Consequence: an intelligent person, we call anyone who distinguishes Gogol from the bag.
If Motherland thinks she is feeding a soldier, then let her think that he is protecting her
Life is given to a person once, and mostly by chance ...
Oh, well, what are you standing on the threshold, do not hesitate to go to dick!
A nightclub maid found some kind of pill. By morning the city was shining with purity ...
A stuttering guy walks into the store - Give me the xxxx ... - Halvah? -No xxxx ... -Hurmu? -No xxx ... - In short, you're tired of me. Go out and practice speaking out. Well, the man came out and it means to train - Loaves of bread, bread, bread .... Go into the store to experiment: - Give me xxxx ... - Halvah? -No xxxx ... -Hurmu? -No xxx ... - Go ahead and practice then you will come! Again a peasant came out and repeated - Bread loaves of bread ... Come for the third time to the store. Give me hhhhhh ... -Halva? -H ** come with you halvah ...
The bouncer was hired to work as a prison guard. Before leaving him in the post, the prison head recalled: “Here we have such desperate wards that we need to be constantly on guard with them.” Are you sure you can handle them if anything happens? - Be calm, - the novice assured, - if someone picks, he will immediately fly out!
In prison, two prisoners are talking: - And what brings you here? Thirst for alcohol? - Of course not. After all, even at liberty, I knew that there was no bar.
Penalty The executioner brought the ax. The defendant raises his head and asks: - What day is it today? - Monday. - Yes, the week starts hard.
- And let's Masha play and instead of lemonade in her glass of vodka pour! - And let's beat me so much better!
- Natasha, you misunderstood me! “I misunderstood you!” I understood everything perfectly! You treat me like a dog: bring it, give it, bring it, give it. - Natasha, you are mistaken! - What, I'm wrong! Now how can I take a stick! - Natasha, fu!
Husband and wife are watching a horror movie. Horror appears on the screen. Wife: - Oh, mother ... Husband: - I recognized my mother, right? ...
What is your vision? - Minus five. - Cold, probably?
Sometime early in the morning, in the toilet the other day, I wore my right eye brown ... penultimate
Life is what happens to you while you make plans.
There are two: - Well, how did you rest? - So so. Everything is decent, full service, sea, beach, museums, excursions. - And we have wine, scuffle, police, jail !!! - Happy ...
Such a sober thought can only be born on a drunken head!
Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol in the body.
There are 32 species of bones, 28 vertebrae, 24 ribs, 32 teeth, 360 total of different bones, 12 large joints, 210 together with small ones, 210 tendons, 900 lived, 5 dense organs, 6 hollow 6 holes 9. And the brain is one and he is always someone trying to vypat.
I will smoke, but I will not give up drinking.
and it's all people: combing fleas and mandawashek, washing out lice, dropping out fillings from teeth, washing off makeup, picking out dirt from under nails and teeth, cleaning out sulfur from the ears, washing off dirt from the body, releasing odor and fumes of perfumes and deodorants applied to the body , the release of odor or particles of urine, feces or menstrual blood residue on the skin, etc. hair loss or cutting, loss and removal of teeth, cutting nails, corns and eyebrows, shaving the pubis and underarms, falling off skin scabs, amputation of external parts of the body and t. urine, feces, sperm , lubrication of the genital organs, leucorrhea, snot and nasopharyngeal contents, throat sputum, vomiting, dandruff, sweat, pus, milk or colostrum from the mammary glands, menstrual flow, the discharge of blood from wounds or from the nose, amputation of internal organs or parts thereof, childbirth, cesarean abortion
A woman is pleased when she is compared to a cat. Tell a woman like that, and she will immediately present herself as an independent, graceful and free predator. But not at all primitive, hairy, hysterical in the corners.
- Sometimes a step forward is a consequence of a kick in the ass ...
Your right to your own opinion does not oblige me to listen to nonsense ...
The magazine "Worker" announced a competition on the theme "Do we know women?" The boy Petya Ivanov, 10, won. The indignant reader writes a letter to the editor: "What a disgrace! I am 65 years old, I know women from 12 years old, and you gave the prize to some boy!" In the editorial office they answer him: - To the first question of our competition, "In what place do women have the most curly hair?" Peter answered correctly - in Central Africa. What did you say? Yes, and painted! To the second question of our competition "What is the main body of women?" Petya answered correctly - the World Women's Federation. What did you say? Yes, and painted! And finally, to the third question of our competition, “What are women looking forward to every month?” Petya answered correctly - the new issue of the magazine “Work Woman”. What did you say? Thank you for not drawing!
The wounded is carried by the commander. He groans: - Drop the commander, drop it. - Drop the commander, throw. - Drop the commander, throw. - Yes, not me, but the radio!
I'm afraid to go to the toilet. there is a duckling. toilet. ACTIVE!
The girl runs to her mother with a shit in her hand: - Mom! Look, I almost came here !!!
A real cat in December, March!
Moscow. Recent time Armenian catches the car. A penny pulls up. Armenian: - Proezzhay! The Muscovite pulls up: - Pass it! Volga rides. Armenian gets in the car. “Ara, what's your name, uh?” Driver: - Vitaly. - Slyushay Men Vitaly! Now we’ll go to the hotel, d'Euve will be waiting for Maine ... Will you say: "Chef, am I free?" And I will say: "Yes, Vitaly, ty svobodyEn!" Ty say: "Chef, give 100 rubles. Gasoline." So mi and pay! Got it ?! Acne replies: - Understood, no problem! Approaching the hotel. The Armenian went out, kissed the girl ... Drove: - Chef, am I free? Armenian: - Yes, Vitaly, you are free. Driver: - Chef, give 1,500 rubles, and then something that drives the engine, you have to drive to the service ... Armenian: - hmmmm ... MALADETS,% bloody !!! Vitalik!!! Two nine-storey buildings, facing each other, stand on the balconies of Givi and Arajan. Aradzhan screaming: -Givi! - What is Aradzhan? -When is your birthday? -In March, why? Yes, I will give you a goat, I will give the curtains, otherwise our whole house sees how your wife sucks !!! -AAAA is clear, but when have you? -What do I have then ?! Well in April! Yes, I'll give you binoculars so that you see whose wife it is!
Quarreled the other day with his wife. The next day I wake up, my wife has already left, breakfast is on the table: there are two crushed eggs and a finely shredded sausage. Hmm, I got the hint ... In the afternoon I drove into the store - I bought a foil cap and a stapler ... I will also hint ...
A man comes to the store and asks: - Do you have man pants? - Not. Women have, take them, what's the difference. - I’ll now unbutton my pants, get this difference, but I’ll gag on your lips.
Sitting soldier stoker in the stoker. Hot. Boring Let me think, I will write a letter to my parents, I will please the old men, I will tell them about the military everyday life. I took a piece of paper, burnt it in the corners and began: "Hello, my dear, I am writing a letter from a burning tank ..."
Driving along a country road convoy of military equipment. On the outskirts of the farm in three huts stops the head machine. An officer gets out of it, pulls out a map, looks stupidly into it, then around. And because of the fence, the children's voice: - Mom, and mom. Look, my uncle got a card, now he will ask for the way.
Ensign in front of the line: - I kept dropping through my fingers all the time, but if I catch someone for something, it will be his end.
- This Santa Claus is all confused, - said the recruit. - What's the matter? - asked his friend. - Fifteen years ago, before the New Year, I asked him to give me a military uniform. And only now I received it.
The man got sick: he was hurting his shoulder, aching in the back, sore in his groin. He comes to the doctor and says so, they say, and so in the shoulder hurts, in the lower back he aches, in the groin it hurts. A doctor for him on this: "You, dear, Ivanov disease, will have to amputate the member." The peasant did not like it - he went to another doctor, he said the same thing. A peasant went to Ivanov himself, he said: "Yes, this is my illness, yes, it will have to be amputated. Well, you take another week for a walk, and then we cut it off." During that week, a man, so that at least somehow unwind, went to order a suit for himself. In the atelier, a tailor measuring it asks: "And in what trouser leg are you, sorry, x $ # wear?". Man: "Yes, what's the difference to you?". Tailor: "But if I do not sew so badly, you will have to prick your shoulder, hurt your lower back, and hurt your groin ..."
Two trenches: the Hebrew and another someone else Hebrews cry: -Ahmeeeeeed !!! Ahmed climbs out of the trench: -Chago? His here and chpok ... Now, the wilderness men think how to get revenge on the Jews and cry: -Abraaaam! Silence ... -Abpaaaam! Silence ... -Abpaaaam! Silence again ... Here one climbs and grieves: -Well, are you there, everybody imagined what? His here and chpok ...
He enters the Jew from the trench and sees - another Jew is loaded with bags and all kinds of baklah and in the front goes his beautiful wife without a cargo at all. First: - You do not respect Kora? -Well no ! Respect! Just when they made up the Koran, the land was not yet so full of mines.
We decided to conduct a survey among students from different institutions - for how many they will surrender the Chinese language. Approaching the Physical Technician: - For how much will you hand over a Chinese? - Well, about two months. They come to MSU: - For how many Chinese will you pass? - Well, about a month. They come to the Moscow Engineering Physics Institute: - For how many Chinese will you pass? - Is there a manual? - There is! - Well, now I finish smoking and went to take ....
Two students are walking down the street, one saw an abandoned loaf and let's kick it. Second: - What are you doing !! First: - Wait, now I finish the corner, let's eat it together.
There is an exam. The student pulls on two points. “Well, then,” says the professor, “give me the record book.” - Wait, - the student says, - let me ask the question: answer - two, no - then put three. - Good. - How to hammer a worm into the ground? - I do not know. - Pour cement and score. - Well, let's record. The next day, the professor is at the institute, he saw a student, he came up, - Let's take the record. Corrects three for five, gets a chocolate bar. - And this to you from the wife.
After a meeting with her husband, who is serving a term, the wife came to the head of the prison and asked to give her husband a job easier. “No one has strained the glue on paper bags,” they answer. - Yes, but he says that some tunnel is digging at night ...
The prisoner complains to the warden: - This is just a disgrace! We are fed worse than ever! Here, tell me what I found in the bread today: a file!
The chairman of the city prison inspection commission: - I see for the first time that the prisoners are happy with the prisoners in prison! - And this is because we organize for them a wide variety of activities. - And which one of them is the most popular? - Open Day.
The German sapper sits in a trench, from the Russian side no one is visible, the work is idle. Well, I decided to cheat. He shouts: -Pyotr! The head looks out of the trench, the sniper took off. -Vasiliy! The soldier peeps again, the sniper takes it off. -Ivan! The same story. In the trench sits the Chukchi and almost prays: -Just not Buzurbay! Only not Yorhodyr!
Tale of the night: the evil witch predicted that the princess would die, pricks her finger with a spindle. The king decided to save his daughter and cut off all her fingers.
"Take the dried heart of a toad, pour a decoction of juniper roots, add ashes of black rooster feathers, two scorpions, a dragon's tooth and evaporate after sunset before the owl's first cry ..." ... An ancient recipe for making ink for an inkjet printer.
Football field - bed Ball - a round phallic symbol Gate - a clear female symbol Shot on goal - male orgasm Shot on goal, beaten off by the goalkeeper - female orgasm Goal - conception (vicious) Penalty shot - planned sex Corner - planned sex with perversions Xenon - planned conception The goalkeeper beat off the penalty kick - a multiorgazm Wall - a unreliable contraceptive Offside - premature ejaculation After-match penalty kicks - artificial insemination Referee - conscious, under Underwear and unconscious complexes Yellow card - the direction in vendispanser; Red card - temporary impotence Commentator - speaking impotent voyeur Prize for match - libido Female football - latent pseudo-lesbian Trainer - cruel personal psychoanalyst World Championship - swingers party
The lion, the bear and the chicken met. The bear says: “As soon as I growl, the whole forest is trembling. Leo: - As soon as I growl - the whole desert is trembling. Chicken: - Khe, khe ... If I cough up, the whole world is trembling.
- Want to go? Sit down. - No thanks. I'm better on the trolley. - A trolley bus is not prestigious. You sit down here. - Yes, I do not care for such prestige. I'm better on the bike. - Are you afraid of what? - I'm not afraid. I just don't want to. - Yes, quit. Coward - say so. - Yes, I do not scare. Ah .. And let's go another time? - Gagarin, do not pull out and march into the rocket. Do you want us to disrupt Cosmonautics Day?
- You have a broken arm. - Doctor, will I die? - No, of course not. - Doctor, I'm an immortal ?!
“Private John, what is the gun barrel for?” - For caliber.
“John, is it true that you were hurt?” - Yes, a bullet hit me in the chest. - How did she not please the heart? - It was at my time gone in the heels.
“Why didn't you clean your shoes, Private Jenkins?” - And what, is it possible that tonight they are letting go of sacking?
Once a wolf climbed into a village pigsty, caught a pig, and just got ready to have dinner, like a pig to him, and said: - Do, wolf, my last request - let you sing a song before death. Sorry wolf, allowed. The pig pouted, the village men came running in and the Wolf was well off. He lies in the bushes, licks his wounds and speaks out loud to himself: “And I really needed this amateur art activity!” And she has no voices at all ...
The hare sees - on the glade lies the wolf. Affectionately, with an ingratiating voice, asks: - What is a top, do you have a rest? - No, the scythe fell into the trap. - Uh, sprawled here, gray beast!
The hare ran across the forest and saw a pit, and in the pit the wolf was sitting and could not get out. The hare rejoiced and took a shit at the wolf and ran away, ran home and thought: “It’s the same thing in my life,” he could not resist, he ran again to the pit. After that, he runs home and thinks: “Then I’ll regret it all my life, if I don’t make fun of the wolf.” Ran the third time to the pit, strained, strained and fell there. - Do not believe it, wolf, went to apologize.
- Dear, how small the world! I learned yesterday that your third wife and my second husband are spending their honeymoon in the villa of your first wife's first husband.
A man approaches the seller: - Hello, by the way! - Fuck you ... just in case!