My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories
If the balance does not immediately converge, then there is an error in it.
Consequence: if the balance has converged - there are two mistakes.
Modern women wear wigs, dye their hair, impose false eyelashes and nails, do figure correction and facelift, insert silicone tits ... And yet complain that it is difficult to meet a real man now!
Expression: went to subroutine ...
My wife and lover are lying on the bed, suddenly the doorbell rang - my husband came. Both are picked up, and once again, the lover wrings the sciatica, stands naked with cancer, and can not move. The husband enters, sees this picture and asks: - And what is this here? Wife replies: - This is a Japanese robot to meet women in the absence of a man. The husband believed and calmed down. My wife went to the kitchen, preparing dinner. Her husband thought: "What can not these Japanese do!" Oh, I did not feel sorry for the woman! Well, okay, the robot is not human, it's not fucking him to fuck, let me try. He tries to use the anus of his lover, but he, strains and does not allow. My husband was sad, and muttered: "What nonsense!" I'll take a drill, drill and rasp, and pick it up, damn it! And then the lover says in a metallic voice: - Che-lo-century, in a pro-bu-e-shche! Try again!
Three men argue: whose wife's back is bigger. - At mine here such! - At mine it is even more, here such! "And my blue eyes!" says the third. - What does the eyes mean? - And the rest - all the ass!
"Darling, I'm so tired - we've been going for two hours!" "Bear with me, my dear, it's soon a halt." - I can not! I have a backpack on my shoulders, sneakers, the sun is baking! "Well, what can I do, love?" - Maybe you get out of the backpack?
somehow the American, the Frenchman and the Russian met and let's tell who how thumps. Well, an American and says, once I swelled, I open the globe in the morning ... my house ... my bed ... my kids are running around the house-they scream ... I go up to the window, and in the courtyard the car is not mine ... Here you can imagine (Frenchman) Yes there you are, here I am swelling, wake up in the morning-my house, my bed, turn to the right-my wife, sleepy, smiling, left-my mistress - berry ... So swelled up, that both complained and all the super we had ... (Russian) What are you !? One fat from his hamburgers, another fucker washed away! You swelled! Here I swelled! I wake up in the morning ... naked ... in a garbage dump ... x @ th is like a pioneer on the verge ... on it a crow sits and eggs bite me, and I have such a sushnyak that I doge "ky-sh- shsh "I can not say ...
The Georgian fell into the abyss. The other one shouts: "Vakhtang, are you alive?" - Alive! "Is the head whole?" - Whole! "Is the hand whole?" - Whole! "Is there a whole leg?" - Whole! - So get out! - Va, listen! I have not fallen yet!
The old beekeeper dies around him, the whole family and relatives are gathered. Pasechnik: - Life is garbage, but bees ... Relatives: - Well, how is it, why? "Although, if you think about it, bees are also fucking."
Sarah went to the balcony to wave to her husband, going to work. He shouts: "Sarah!" Go, sleep with God! "I can not hear you, Abram!" "Go, sleep with God!" - With whom, with whom? I can not hear! - I spell it: with Boris, Oleg, Gosha, Oleg, Moysha! - Abram, with Gosha and Moysha I already slept. And who are Oleg and Boris? And why with Oleg twice? Is he your boss?
Nostradamus resorts to Freud: - Zizya, I had such a vision the day before, I can not understand anything ... Help! - Well, tell me ... What can I do, so to speak ... Nostradamus: - It seemed to me that in the future the whole of Europe would go under the sign ... - The devil ?! interrupts Freud. - No. That I would understand. - The Cross of the Lord? "No," sighs Nostradamus. "Ah, what then?" - The EU. Some kind of incomprehensible EU. - The EU! Freud exclaimed in awe. - I knew, I believed! EU !!! Ebic Power!
In the mountains, the girls found a boy, two hours later the women took the man to the hospital
Two lords read newspapers. - ABOUT! I heard you buried your wife yesterday. What happened? "And she, you know, died."
- I am a purple plum, ripe, garden; - I am an apricot, growing in the south; - And I'm passion fruit. I do not know what to say.
They often ask: What is better - oral sex or Klinskoe beer? Answer: Of course, oral sex! It's nice, it relaxes, relieves stress and tension ... But, on the other hand, you will not tell your friends: "All for blowjob, I treat !!!"
Hunter's story: - I went hunting and killed a bear! Cut off one of his thighs and took under the mouse, cut off the second - and under the mouse .... He lit a cigarette and forgot about what crackled. "What did I say that?" - Yes thighs under the armpits .... - Yes, yes, thighs under the armpits and how to blow it!
Can the eggs be painted with a brush? - It is possible, if the husband is not afraid of tickling.
Can a vegetarian love a woman? "Maybe if a woman does not have a puff, or meat."
- You to cheer? "Does this include shaving?" - Of course! "Then wrap a powder for my wife."
A man comes to the hairdresser's: "Shave me at the highest level." The hairdresser spits on the brush and starts to soap the peasant's face. - Hey Hey! I asked for the highest category! - And on the lower we spit on the face ...
"How do you cut it?" - Silently.
The guy is driving by car. Suddenly, the wheel came down. He got out of the car and tried to remove the wheel. Then another muzhik comes by and asks: "Hey, what are you doing?" - Yes, I take off the wheel. Then the second man breaks the windshield and says: - Well, I think I'll take a tape recorder.
Conversation of two Frenchmen: - A good wife - the one with a husband and lover. "I thought it was bad." "No, she's the one who only has a lover." "I thought it was fallen." "No, the fallen one, who has no one." - And I thought it was lonely. - No, she is the one who has one husband.
Two friends are sitting in a cafe. "I noticed that all people have their oddities," says one. - I do not have them - answers the second - And you have. "What are they?" - I noticed that you are stirring tea with your right hand. - So what? - And most people use a spoon for this ...
In the old Odessa school: - Mr. teacher, - asks the student, - what is the difference between a man and a woman? "The boy," the teacher asks. - And what is the size of your dad's shoes? - Forty third. "And your mother?" - Thirty-eighth. - So the difference, boy, between the legs.
Hare heard that on the other side of the river hemp dofig and decided to get there. Swam, so, he sees, lies lies, baldeet. He approaches so not bravely, but she to him: - Hello, beaver! The hare, full of indignation, what kind of beaver is he? - Yes, I'm not a beaver! At me here ears what, a tail! And the fox on the drum: - Yes, you are a beaver, now, let's go and ask the wolf. They went to the wolf. The wolf saw them, said: "Hello, fox, cool, beaver." -You're not a beaver! I'm a HANG! My ears are longer! -You are a beaver, I do not see what. Let's go with the owl, the wisest of us. Let's go. They approach, then, to the tree where the owl sits. A fox with a wolf: - Hello, owl. - Zdorovo, beavers. -: 
The conversation of 2 new Russians. "Hey, Tolyan went to Italy, so I ordered him Versace." - Well ?! - What, well? !! And he misunderstood me ...
"Comrade General!" Your order is fulfilled! - So I did not order anything! - And I did not do anything!
She: If I suddenly died, would you marry again? He: Of course not ... She: No? Why is it not? Do not you like being married? He: Well, where does this .... She: Still as with, why on earth do not you want to marry more if you value marriage? He: Well, I would marry if it makes it easier for you .. She: (upset) Ah ... would marry ... He: Well, yes! We are talking about this !! She: And you would have slept with her in our bed ?? He: And where do you think I should sleep with her? She: And you would have put her everywhere instead of my photos? He: Well, I think so, of course! She: And would you let her drive my car? He: No, she has no rights .. She: - silence - He: n $$ dec ...
- Vovochka, what are you doing? "Get away from the grandmother, now it's like a sprinkle!"
Who is an intelligent person? An intelligent person, this is the one who can distinguish Gogol from Hegel, Hegel from Bebel, Bebel from Babel, Babel from the cable, cable from the male, male from the bitch, and the bitch from the bag. Consequence: an intelligent person we call anyone who distinguishes Gogol from the bag.
If the Motherland thinks that she is feeding a soldier - then let her think that he is protecting her
Life is given to man once, and mostly accidentally ...
Oh, well, what are you standing on the doorstep, do not hesitate fuck you!
The cleaner at the night club found some kind of pill. By morning the city was shining with cleanliness ...
The muzhik-stutterer comes in shop - Give me h-h-h-h ... -Halvy? -No x-x-x-x ... -Hurm? -No h-h-h ... -One, you're bored with me, go out and practice speaking to the street. Well man came out taco means and train-bread bread bread bread .... Comes into the store: - Give me x-x-x-x ... -Halvy? -No x-x-x-x ... -Hurm? -No x-x-x ... -Ed still practice then come! Again the peasant left and repeats-bread bread bread bread ... Come for the third time to the store. Give me x-x-x-x-x ... -Halva? -H ** with you, let's halva ...
The bouncer hired a job as a prison guard. Before leaving him at the post, the prison director recalled: "We have such desperate wards here, that we constantly need to be on guard against them." Are you sure you can deal with them in case of something? - Be calm, - assured the newcomer, - if someone peeps, he immediately flies out!
In prison, two prisoners talk: - And what brought you here? Thirst for alcohol? - Of course not. After all, even at large, I knew that there was no bar.
Execution. The executioner raised an ax. The defendant raises his head and asks: "What day is it?" - Monday. - Yes, the week starts hard.
- And let's play Masha and instead of lemonade we'll pour her a glass of vodka! - And let's play this way!
"Natasha, you misunderstood me!" "It's you I misunderstood!" I understood everything perfectly! You treat me like a dog: bring it, give it, bring it, give it to me. "Natasha, you're wrong!" - What, I'm wrong! Right now, how can I take a stick! "Natasha, fu!"
The husband and his wife are watching a horror film. Horror appears on the screen. Wife: - Oh, Mom ... Husband: - I recognized my mother, right? ...
Do you have any vision? - Minus five. "It's cold, probably?"
somehow early in the morning in the toilet bowl I hid the other day the right eye of the brown ... the penultimate
Life is what happens to you while you make plans
There are two: - Well, how did you rest? - So so. Everything is decent, full service, the sea, the beach, museums, excursions. - And we have wine, fist fight, police, kutuzki! - Happy ...
Such a sober thought can only be born on a drunken head!
Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol in the body
Bones of 32 species, vertebrae 28, ribs 24, teeth 32, different bones total 360, large joints 12, together with their smallest will be 210, tendons 16, veins 900, dense organs 5, hollow 6, holes 9. And the brain is one, and its always someone trying to win.
I will smoke, but I will not give up drinking.
and this is all people: combing fleas and mandalosks, flushing lice, loss of fillings from teeth, washing off makeup, picking dirt from under the nails and teeth, cleaning the sulfur from the ears, washing away dirt from the body, highlighting the smell and fumes of spirits and deodorants applied to the body , the secretion of odor or particles of urine, feces or remnants of menstrual blood on the skin, etc. loss or hair cutting, loss and extraction of teeth, haircut of nails, calluses and eyebrows, shaving of the pubis and armpits, loss of scabs, amputation of the external parts of the body and urine, feces, sperm , lubrication of the genitals, leucorrhoea, snot and contents of the nasopharynx, throat sputum, vomiting, dandruff, sweat, pus, milk or colostrum from the mammary glands, menstrual flow, discharge of blood from wounds or nose, amputation of internal organs or parts thereof, cesarean sections, abortions
A woman is pleased when she is compared to a cat. Tell a woman this, and she immediately presents herself as an independent, elegant and free predator. And not at all primitive, hairy, suicidal in the corners of a hysterical woman.
-Sometimes a step forward is a consequence of a kick under the ass ...
Your right to your own opinion does not oblige me to listen to nonsense ...
Magazine "Rabotnitsa" announced a competition on the theme "Do we know women?" The boy won by Peter Ivanov, 10 years old. An outraged reader writes a letter to the editor: "It's a disgrace, I'm 65 years old, I've known women since I was 12, and you gave the prize to some boy!". In the editorial office he is answered: - On the first question of our contest "Where do the women have the most curly hair?" Petya answered correctly - in Central Africa. And what did you say? Yes, and painted! The second question of our contest "What is the main body of women called?" Petya answered correctly - the World Women's Federation. And what did you say? Yes, and painted! And finally, the third question of our contest "What are women waiting for every month?" Petya answered correctly - the new issue of the journal Rabotnitsa. And what did you say? Thank you for not drawing!
The wounded man bears the commander. He moans: - Stop the commander, drop it. "Drop the commander, stop it." "Drop the commander, stop it." - Yes, not me, but a walkie-talkie!
I'm afraid to go to the toilet. there's a duckling. toilet. ACTIVE!
The girl runs to her mother with a shit in her hand: - Mom! Look, I almost came here !!!
This cat in December in March!
Moscow. Recent time. The Armenian catches the car. A "penny" approaches. Armenian: - Proezzhay! The "Muscovite" arrives: - Proezzhay! The "Volga" podszhaet. The Armenian gets into the car. "Ara, what's your name, eh?" The driver: - Vitaly. - Slyusha Menya Vitaly! Now we fall into the hotel, where the guy will wait for the girl ... You will say: "I'm the chief?" And I'll say: "Yes, Vitali, that's freedom!" You say: "Chief, give 100 rubles for gasoline." So mi and pay off! Understand ?! Vitalik answers: - I understand, there are no problems! They drive up to the hotel. The Armenian came out, kissed the girl ... She drove: - Chief, I'm free? Armenian: - Yes, Vitaliy, you are free. Driver: - Chef give 1500 rubles., And then something engine is jamming, it is necessary to drive the service ... Armenian: - hmmm ... MALADEC, BL% # ь !!! Vitalik!!! Two nine-story buildings, facing each other, on the balconies Stand Givi and Arajan. Arajan yells: -Give! -What is Arajan? -When is your birthday? -In March, and what? -Yes, I'm your goat, I'll give you curtains, otherwise the whole house sees how your wife sucks !!! -AAAA understandable, but when? And what about me? Well, in April! -Yes, I'll give you binoculars so that you can see whose wife it is!
He quarreled with his wife the other day. The next day I wake up, my wife is already gone, there is breakfast on the table: there are two crushed eggs and a finely-finely chopped sausage. Hmm, I understood the hint ... At lunch I drove into the store - I bought a cap and a stapler ... I'll also hint ...
The guy comes to the store and asks: - Do you have male panties? - No. There are women, take them, what's the difference. "I'm going to unbutton my pants now, I'll get this difference, and I'll spank your lips."
A soldier-stoker was sitting in the stokehold. Hot. It's boring. Dai, thinks, I'll write a letter to my parents, I'll make the old people happy, I'll tell them about military everyday life. He took a piece of paper, burned it in the corners and began: "Hello, my dear, I'm writing a letter from a burning tank ..."
A column of military equipment is driving along the country road. On the outskirts of the farm in three huts stops the head car. An officer comes out of it, takes out a map, looks dully into it, then around. And from behind the fence children's voice: - Mom, and Mom. Look, the uncle got out a map, now the road will be asked.
Ensign in front of the ranks: - I always let go of your fingers, but if I catch someone for something, it will be his end.
"This Father Frost has mixed everything up," said the draftee. - What's the matter? asked his friend. - Fifteen years ago before the New Year I asked him to give me a military uniform. And only now I received it.
The man got sick: he has a tunic in his shoulder, he aches in the back, he's in the groin. He comes to the doctor and says so, they say, and so in the shoulder of the tunic, in the lower back pains, in the groin hurts. The doctor to him on this: "You, dear, Ivanov's disease, have to amputate a member." The peasant did not like it - went to another doctor, he said the same thing. A man went to Ivanov himself, who says: "Yes, it's my illness, yes, I'll have to amputate." Well, you'll take a week off and then we'll cut it off. " During that week, the peasant, to somehow unwind, went to order a suit. In the tailor's shop, having measured him, he asks: "And in which pants do you wear it?" Man: "Yes, what do you care?". The tailor: "But if I do not sew so, you will have to stab in the shoulder, break in the back, and hurt in the groin ..."
Two trenches: the Jewish and somebody else's Jews croak: -Ahmeeeed !!! Ahmed climbs out of the trench: -Is it? Its here and the chpok ... Now opponents think how to take revenge on Jews and cry: -Abpaaaam! Silence ... -Abpah! Silence ... -Abpah! Again silence ... Here one climbs and grits: -Yes you there, everyone pomirali what? Its here and the chpok ...
The Jew picks in from the trench and sees that he is walking another Europe loaded with bags and all sorts of barracks, and in the meanwhile his wife, a beauty without a band, is walking all the way. First: -You do not respect the Koran? -Well no ! I respect! Just when the Koran was made, the land was not yet so stuffed with mines.
We decided to conduct a survey among students of different institutions - for how many they will pass the Chinese language. Approaching the physician: - How much will you give the Chinese? "Well, two months." They come to Moscow State University: - For how much do you give Chinese? - Well, somewhere in a month. They come to MEPhI: - How much will you give to the Chinese? - Is there a method? - There is! - Well, now I'll smoke and go to hand over ....
Two students walk down the street, one saw an abandoned roll and let it kick. Second: - What are you doing !! First: - Wait, now dopinayu round the corner, together we will eat.
There is an exam. The student draws two points. "Well," says the professor, "let's have a student's record book." "Wait," says the student, "let me ask the question: answer - two, no - then put three. - Good. - How to score a worm in the ground? - I do not know. - Fill with cement and hammer. - Well, let's have a student's record-book. The next day the professor goes to the institute, sees the student, comes up, - Let's a student's record-book. He corrects three by five, takes out the chocolate. "And this is from your wife."
After meeting with her husband, who is serving time, the wife came to the head of the prison and asked her to give her husband a lighter work. "We have not yet broken through on the glue of paper bags," they reply. - Yes, but he says that even at night some tunnel is digging ...
The prisoner complains to the overseer: "It's just disgraceful!" We are fed worse than ever! Now, watch what I found today in the bread: file!
Chairman of the Commission for the Verification of the City Prison: - The first time I see that prisoners were happy with the pyubyvanym in prison! - And this is because we organize for them a variety of activities. - And which one is the most popular? - Open Day.
The German engineer is sitting in the trench, nobody is visible from the Russian side, the work is idle. Well, he decided to skrytit.Krich: -Peter! From the trench looks head, sniper removed. -Basil! Again the soldier peeps out, the sniper takes it off. -Ivan! The same story. In the trench the Chukchi sits and almost prays: -Only Buzurbai! Only not Yorkhodr!
Tale for the night: the evil witch predicted that the princess would die, prick the finger with a spindle. The king decided to save his daughter and cut off all her fingers.
"Take the dried heart of the toad, pour the decoction of the juniper roots, add ashes of black cock feathers, two scorpions, dragon tooth and evaporate after sunset until the first scream of an owl ..." ... An ancient recipe for ink for an inkjet printer.
Football field - bed Ball - round phallic symbol Gates - obvious female symbol Strike on goal - male orgasm Strike at goal, beaten goalkeeper - female orgasm Goal - conception (vicious) Penalty kick - planned sex Corner - planned sex with distortions Eleven-meter-planned conception The punched-out goalie eleven-meter - multi-orgasm Wall - unreliable contraceptive Offside - premature ejaculation Post-match penalty - artificial insemination Arbiter - conscious, Underwear and unconscious complexes Yellow card - the direction in vendispanser; Red card - temporary impotence Commentator - speaking impotent voyeur Award for the match - libido Women's football - latent pseudo-lesbianism Trainer - cruel personal psychoanalyst World Championship - swingers party
There was a lion, a bear and a chicken. The bear says: "If I growl, the whole forest trembles." Leo: - As soon as I growl, all the desert is trembling. The chicken: - Khe, khe ... It is necessary to me to cough - the whole world trembles.
- Do you want to go for a drive? Sit down. - No thanks. I'm better on the trolley. "The trolleybus is unjustifiable." You sit down here. - Yes, I do not care about such prestige. I'm on the bike better. - Are you afraid of what? - I'm not afraid. I just do not want to. - Come on. Brisk - say so. - Yes, I'm not afraid. Ah .. And let's go some other time? "Gagarin, do not buck yourself out and march into the rocket." Want us to break Cosmonautics Day?
"Your arm is broken." "Doctor, will I die?" - No, of course not. "Doctor, am I immortal ?!"
"Private John, why does the barrel have a gun?" "For the caliber."
"John, is it true that you were wounded?" - Yes, the bullet hit me in the chest. "How did she not get into her heart?" - It at that time has gone to my heels.
"Why did not you clean your shoes, Private Jenkins?" - And what, unless tonight they let go to dismissal?
Somehow a wolf climbed into the village pigsty, caught a pig, and only was going to dine like a pig to him and said: "Run, wolf, my last request - let me sing to you before death a song." The wolf regretted it. The pig swallowed, the village peasants ran up and thoroughly tidied up the Wolf. He lies in the bushes, licking wounds and talking aloud to himself: - And fuck me, this her amateur art was needed! And she does not have a voice at all ...
The hare sees a wolf lying in the clearing. Gentle, ingratiating voice asks: - What, top, rest? - Oh no, oblique, I got into the trap. "Wow, there's a gray beast!"
The hare ran through the forest and saw a pit, and in the pit a wolf sits and can not get out. The hare was delighted to take a swearing at the wolf and ran away, ran home and thought: - Same time in my life I met - I could not stand it, I ran to the pit again. After that, he runs home and thinks: - Then all my life I'll regret this, if I do not make a fool of the wolf. He ran for the third time to the pit, tug, tug, and fell down there. "You will not believe, wolf, I apologized."
"My dear, how small the world is!" Yesterday I found out that your third wife and my second husband spend a honeymoon at the villa of the first husband of your second wife.
The man approaches the seller: - Hello, by the way! - Yes you went ... just in case!