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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Americans also need peace!
And preferably all ...
They - the potency, and us?
A girl is a whole world.
The woman is no longer a whole.
I walk past the military registration and enlistment office with my head held high moronic!
The competition for the shortest course of the teachings of Freud was won by the phrase: "Libido is the POC consciousness" ...
Loneliness is when you always know who nasvinyachil in the kitchen.
What kind of love can we talk about if you don’t even want to just fuck her?
I will sell sheepskin coat from the skin of young leatherette.
The heart of a man consists of two ventricles: one for vodka, the other for a snack.
If a bottle of vodka is tied to the middle of the rope, then dragging the rope will be much more exciting.
If thoughts wander, then it's time to distill.
The new "Chappy" with the taste of Academician Pavlov - for dogs who remember.



Every year the princess more and more tormented by headaches. The princess grew - and the crown did not ...


Whatever you say, but men still do everything better than women. So Sergei Zverev proved by his own example that all blondes are fools.


- My husband is probably a Muslim. I come home at six in the morning, and he told me - wrong, wrong ...


- How to become a successful person? - Did you go to the toilet today? - Yes ... - Successfully ?!


There is a very good way to get in touch with any inaccessible person. You call, say, the receptionist minister. The secretary asks who is calling. You say so menacingly: - Tell him that the husband is calling - he knows whose!


- Holmes, how could you guess ... - Elementary, Watson. - This is again your deductive ... - No, this is a guess.


- Girl, can I not meet you?


The lady in the sex shop for a long time chooses a dildo, then immediately buys five pieces. Seller: - Tell me, why do you need so much? Lady (a little embarrassed): - I love, you know, casual communication ...


The girl at the reception: - Doctor! I need to reload the tape! - You are confusing something! This is not a photo studio or even a circus! - You did not understand, my dear! I need to restore virginity!


- On, make fun! Tilki not viplovuvay! Put on jazik. Vidchuvaish Bulbashki? Tse carbide!


- Honey, I have already started talking to the chair, have breakfast with a kettle. Zaych Ik, if you do not call me, I will enter into a serious relationship with a vacuum cleaner !!!


- The sex hormone is the strongest hallucinogen! - Justify. - Before you an ordinary bitch, and he shows you a sweet and gentle creature ...





User - a person stepping on a rake Kettle - a novice user who has never stepped on a rake and therefore confident that the rake does not exist Lamer - a user who regularly steps on the rake, but still confident that the rake does not exist. Narrow Specialist - User, Perfectly Wielding the Offensive on the Same Rake Wide specialist - user, who has more than two cones on his forehead. The programmer is the one for whom the result is the most important for attacking a rake. Tired of stepping on other people's rakes, making their own. Advanced programmer - programmer, coming on every rake no more than two times. Copyright is a concept that limits the number of rakes available for advance by the user's financial capabilities. A gamer is one for whom the process is most important in attacking a rake. Usually not able to make their own rakes. Cheater - a kind of gamer; comes only on a rake with foam nozzles on the handle and usually no more than once. A hacker is one who is capable of stepping on a rake, even if they are hidden in a shed and locked up. An idealist hacker is a noble fighter for the right of everyone to step on an unlimited number of rakes. Microsoft is a corporation, world leader in rake production. Bill Gates is a mythical creature from programmer folklore; evil spirit - the patron of the rake. An upgrade is a process of permanently spending money on the purchase of all new rakes, each of which hits more painfully than the previous ones. Beta version - a version in which the rake is visible to the naked eye. The release is a version in which a rake is sprinkled with leaves. Version compatibility is a principle that allows a new rake to get exactly one lump from the previous ones. Assembler is a programming language that allows attacking a rake several million times a second. Local network - a technology that allows you to get on the forehead, even when someone else is on the rake. Internet technology that allows stepping on rakes on the other side of the globe


Overseas, the heifer is a hemlock, but the ruble is a carriage ... and two customs clearance. When a girl looks like a bun, then you want to try it, and when she looks like a dough, you think: how much will she make buns? A person always believes in a miracle, especially when he presses the "Request Balance" button on an ATM ... There is no time to get sick? Only "Bittner" will help you find the time! If you feel a man in yourself then you have become a woman. To successfully cry, you just have to unsuccessfully joke. Make a fool dick suck - so she rolls her lip ... If you can not swear dirty, it remains only to clean foul language. A new gay club for dogs "Blue bone" has opened. The most fun creatures in the world are crocodiles and chiefs. They laugh at us to tears!


- Girl, do you like animals? - This is how to understand - are you making me an offer?


- Dear - you are beautiful, like these flowers! “And I thought I was beautiful, like a gold bracelet.” - Not! You are beautiful like these flowers !!!


On May 7, radio operator Kat left Berlin, away from her neighbors and acquaintances ... Their ambiguous congratulations on Radio Day frightened her.


- Hi, Bush! - Hi, Nuts! - Where is the brain? !!


Invented finally perpetual motion! The principle of its work to the disgrace is simple: a round wooden wheel, inside which runs Duncan MacLeod.


On a date, a pessimistic woman, seeing her fly unbuttoned, concludes - while dressing, she forgot to fasten ... The optimist: “Ha! Already unzipped!”.


- Count up - I walk down the street, and some asshole with my shoulder hurts me so much - and, most importantly, did not stop, did not apologize! - Well, what are you ?! - Well, I - stopped, excused ...


“Does anyone remove this skeleton, Morrison?” “This is the maid's skeleton, sir, there is no one to remove it!”


- Dear, do not you think that our son spends too much time in the bathroom? - Honey, he's a plumber!


- Girls! Remember: the main thing on the first date is not to snore!


- They broke my heart, they spat into my soul, they trampled everything in me ... - But why am I, a simple masochist, such happiness !!!


- Hello! Is this phone sex? - Yes! And you will pay dearly for these words ...


While other peoples discovered the Caribbean islands, Fiji and Australia, the Russians discovered the New Earth, Alaska and Antarctica ...


- The heart grows numb in sweet pain, A curl is flowing on the shoulder. I am writing to you, what is more ?! - LOL! Pesha ischo!


One man tells another that he had a girlfriend who knew how to call "Countess." “She must have been all so aristocratic?” - No, she in the tavern in a drunken brawl a decanter on the head hit ...


The original ballet based on Krylov's fable Dragonfly and the Ant was staged at the Mariinsky Theater. The text of the fable is left unchanged, and the ballet itself begins after the words: "... So go and dance!".


“I am a princess,” the frog said modestly and, squeezing an arrow, inadvertently farted ... ... And turned into a girl ... Red and red.


- Hello, dear viewers, on the telecast "Call of the Jungle" ... So, we welcome our participants. Hello crocodile! - I am not a crocodile - I am a panda .. - No, girl - you are a crocodile ...


On the kolkhoz "Bright Way", chickens refuse to lay eggs, citing the fact that only yesterday they wore cement and bricks ...


The man on the operating table: - Doctor, have you forgotten about anesthesia? - Anesthesia ?! Why do you need anesthesia? You will see what I'm doing with you - disconnect yourself ...


The guy swears with the girl. - Fool! - Fool! - Idiot! - Moron! - Goat! - Goat! - kretinka! - Nerd! - Shit! - Himself shit! - Gargona! - Ha .... - Tears. Guys - do not go too far, why give a reason for tears.


In the new edition of the list of the richest people in America, Michael Jackson is no longer mentioned. But there appeared a new face - the lawyer of Michael Jackson.


“Boys, everybody says I'm a dummy.” And what's that? - Alice, you are not a pig - you are a blonde, remember! And better write it down!


Was in the restaurant. Ate fish caught with me. The only pity is that she quickly asked to be back in the water ...


- I would like to express my deep gratitude to the guys who beat me in a crap near the subway ... THANKS - now I am the beneficiary!


A man enters the elevator. A breathless woman runs after him. - Up or down? - politely interested man. She lifts her skirt: - Down.


When I was born, I had a choice - to become a boy or a girl ... I chose the first! It is better to finish sucking in one year than to start at 14.


From life. Somehow he told his six-year-old daughter a joke: - Do you know why a goat has such sad eyes? - No, I do not know ... - Because, her husband is a goat! On her naive, childish face - not a shadow of a smile. And after a short pause: - Well, what did she want?


- Why is the female breast - a secondary sexual trait, and the male member - the primary? - Because there are two boobs, and the dick is one!


Newlyweds are married for two weeks. Husband, although very in love, can not wait to slip away - to walk with the old boyfriends. - My dear, I'll be right back right back ... - And where are you going, my kusi-mushi? - Yes, in the bar, little face ... Beer to drink ... - Do you want a beer, darling? She opened the fridge and showed him 25 different brand beers from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Australia, etc. He did not know what to say - and the only thing that occurred to him was: - But, sweetie ... but in the bar ... they have frozen beer mugs! He did not have time to finish the phrase. - Do you want a frozen mug, my puppy? She pulled out of the freezer a huge beer mug - so cold that she could barely hold it. His face took the bucket. - Ah ... uh ... my troublemaker ... but the bar has such salt licks, such a delicious snack ... I'm fast! Straight back and forth ... OK? - Do you want snacks, uchi-muti? She got out of the oven 15 dishes of appetizer: chicken wings, "pigs in blankets", mushroom caps, strips of smoked dried pork, etc. - But, my sweetie ... in the bar ... you understand ... there is swearing, men with mothers and in general ... - Do you want the atmosphere, my donut? To the peasants wanted, fag ?! Listen here, baldhead! Lacquer your fucking beer from a damned frozen mug and eat, fuck you mother, snack, because you will not go anywhere today !! Shagging, ass? ... and they lived happily ever after.





A drunk husband comes home, walks into the porch, knocks on some door. - Who's there? - Masha, it's me! - I am not Masha ... - Well, Klava! - I am not Klava ... - Listen, wife, how are you there, can we still play cities in the city ?!


Two gentlemen after the hunt are sitting by the fireplace, stretching their legs to the fire, and are silent: - Sir, I am afraid that your socks are beginning to smolder. “You probably want to say boots, sir?” “No, the boots have long been burned, sir.”


- Neighbor, I see, recently your husband has noticeably lost weight. Is he sick? - No, he just goes fishing every day. - And because losing weight? - Of course. After all, he eats only the fish that he catches.


The foreigner returns to the hotel at night and falls into the open sewer. Something gets out and swears loudly. Suitable cop: - What's the matter, citizen? - Why do not you protect the pit with flags, as in any normal country? - And when you crossed the border, did you see the red flag? - Seen ... - So what are the claims?


Investigator: - Do you recognize this knife? - Of course! - And, so still find out? - How not to know, you show it to me for three weeks already!


Newlyweds went on nature. Put up a tent. Well, as it got dark, they - into the tent and fuck. At the most interesting place there is a crackling sound of the tent being cut. Newlyweds are terrified. A Georgian looks into the tent: - Isalenta ect? - No ... Georgian leaves. Newlyweds sew up a tent until the morning, climb into it and take a new one. And on the most interesting place again the exact same situation. Georgian: - Darzy izalenta.


The captain pointed out to the new helmsman at the Polar Star and ordered him to keep the course directly at her. For some time everything went fine, but then the helmsman felt embarrassed and called the officer. - Sir, I have already passed under this star. Please indicate me a new one. Georgian comes with a girl in a cafe. He knows how to talk in Russian, but he knows only 1 and 3 of the numbers. He leans towards the girl: - What should I order from tebe? - I, perhaps a cup of coffee. The Georgian, having thought for a minute: - The waiter, bring the three cups of coffee, and one is the mamentally uneshi!


Night. Moon. Bench. On the bench are two He and She. Second night The same moon. The same bench. The same man. But another woman! Third night The same moon. The same bench. The same man! But another woman. So let's drink for the CONSTANCY of Men and the inconstancy of Women ...


Tell your son honestly - do you smoke? Dad, I'm a daughter! - Will there be war? - No, but there will be such a struggle for peace, that there will be no stone on stone.


- How do Czechs know that the earth is round? - In 1945 they drove the invaders to the west, and in 1968 they returned from the east.


- How to withdraw the Soviet troops from Czechoslovakia without losing prestige? - Through Romania.


After returning from the maternity hospital, Miss Smith first cursed and then beat her husband, pointing out that their newborn had no resemblance to her, but was strikingly similar to the secretary of her spouse.


As long as you remember Russian, your life in the Czech Republic will be one big fun. “Vonyavki” in translation from the Czech spirits, “hard moss” - fresh food, “fallen with cattle on plavidl” - a handsome guy with a paddle on a boat and other jokes. They say that a few years ago, Russian tourists bellowed hiccups while looking at Coca-Cola billboards. There was a traditional frozen bottle in it, and the inscription on the shield read: “Dokonali creature!” The Russians, hiccupping with laughter, did not immediately realize that, in translation from Czech, this inscription is just a powerful advertising slogan - “Perfect creation!”. In Prague, above the entrance to some places of entertainment there is an inscription - “Girls for nothing”. Can you imagine how Russian-speaking individuals of the male sex break off when they find out what it means only that girls do not pay entrance fees! And also a dwelling house - “barrack”, socks - “diarrheas”, hello girlfriend - “aha fake” ...... And this is true!


He left his grandfather, left his grandmother ... What do you think who is this ??? (Sex)


- Got married? - Married! “So how's your wife?” - The guys praised!


Vovochka comes up to dad and asks: - Dad, what is "Dzin-dzin, oink-ooze"? - I do not know. - This is a pig tram arrived. And what is "Dzin-dzin, gav-gav"? - This is a dog on the tram arrived. - Not. This mother came from work ...


Morning. A man in a terrible hangover, every rustle is given in the head with a hammer. Suddenly he gets up, takes the cat by the collar and throws it out of the apartment. Wife: - What are you doing! Fool !!! And the husband answers: - All cats are like cats, and this one: top-top, top-top !!! AT


the river sank drunk. The policeman writes: "The act of drowning." I thought, crossed out and wrote: "The Act of Utopia." I also thought and wrote: "The act of entering the body into the water and the absenteeism of the body out of the water."


All our bosses are birds: well, for example, Skvortsov, Solovyov, Orlov, ... - And Ivanov? - Ivanov, blah ... Ivanov - woodpecker !!!


Sells a man in the market talking parrot. He has a red ribbon attached to one leg, and a blue ribbon to the other. A woman fits and asks: - Why does he have ribbons tied? - You pull over the blue - speaks in English, for the red - in French. - And if for both to pull, what will happen? The parrot does not stand: - What will be, what will be!?! In the ass fall!


The husband went to the toilet and sat there for a long time ... 15 minutes pass, 30, an hour .... The wife has already forgotten and passing by the toilet turned off the light (such as that it burns if there is no one) .. Suddenly heart-rending screams "Oh -a-aaaa !!!!! "Wife - My God! Husband! In the toilet! Quickly turns on the light ... From there: - Ah ... This is just the light .. I thought my eyes burst ...


Two friends met, chatting. -Slyushchay, I found a ligushka, a lady piren, Ti mine belief? -Yes. -Put on the bed, in the morning prasnulsya, and next girl. Verisch? -Yes. -Vai why my wife does not believe!?


Husband returned from a business trip. My wife has a lover who hid in a closet. At this time in the apartment there was a fire. The couple began to rush, grabbing valuables and utensils. And from the cabinet is distributed: - Urgently take out the furniture!


There is a congress of people's deputies. From the last row, a man crawls in to the Presidium: - Comrades, part a little, I cannot see ... - Maybe you should give binoculars? - No, thanks, I have an optical ...


The famous Austrian chemist Adolf E. Frank during the exam told one student: - You are very resourceful and quick-witted. The main thing is that you know how to express a huge amount of nonsense in a few words ...


- Yes, we got some non-child fairy-tale, Kolobok thought, chewing on the remains of the fox ...


- Mom, what is a "transvestite"? - You know, I do not know exactly, son - go to the kitchen and ask Uncle Natasha.


The husband returns home in the morning. Evil wife swears at him: - Where have you been? I did not sleep all night. Husband: - And you think I was asleep!


The honey is sold by the farm, and it is advertised: - It is, yes - a good honeymoon! Znavish, what kind of bees such a honey delyit? Balshoi, yes! Here is a (pointing), yes! Buyer: - How does he get into the street, eh? - squeal, cry, and lazet! Who ne zalezet - on ulytse nakhuet!


A girl climbs into a packed tram: - Skip, skip, skip a pregnant woman. - Excuse me, but where is it clear that you are pregnant? - Well, right, what do you want, what would be visible in half an hour.


A young girl says to a sitting man: - Oh, give way to a pregnant woman. That gives in, then looks narrowly - it has nothing. - Excuse me, how long? - 30 minutes, but I'm so tired, so tired ...


Talk on the bus. A man refers to a woman standing in front of him. - Ma'am, that you got up on the road, like a chick unmilitary. - What am I to you madam!


To the doctor - to the patient: - Calm down, your head wound was quite serious, but most importantly, you managed to avoid amputation.


In the madhouse a group of patients decided to escape. The next day, one of the patients frowningly declares: “It won't work, the fence was torn down!”


A man excitedly walks in the hall of the hospital. Finally, the nurse takes out and shows him the newborn black baby. - I didn’t expect anything else from my Isabella! - the man threw up his hands. - Always she burns everything!


A woman should complex about the intellect only if she has small breasts. It does not matter when to dress no matter what. The trouble when there is nothing. If you are not appreciated - rejoice! And that would still have to. The perfumed came, and the zyuhannaya left. February 23 Defender of the Fatherland Day. When will the deviating day be? I wonder why Christmas is two, and baptism is one? .. The most powerful drug is an ass. Once having licked it, a person can no longer stop. The film can not be highly artistic, cash and American at the same time. It is necessary to drink with women in order not to go to them later. Come to your wife with such a bouquet! Sclerosis in minetchitsy: money in the mouth, a member in her purse. Fake lipstick is the most common cause of penis cancer! Women spend money wisely! In the end - no money, no mind ...


- I need Jerry Garcia de la Paso. Speak where he is, or I'll blow your brains out! - Mmmm! Actually, we after eleven do not let in the hostel ...


When trying to check the documents of Anuslan-Zade Karmanberegaliyev, a citizen of Tubeteikistan, it turned out that police sergeant Oleg Popov was unable to read ...


A meaningful sentence in Russian of six words, five of which are verbs: "It's time to get up and go and buy a drink."


Pass the man exam in the traffic police. A gibadednik asks him: - What is this sign, where is the cow drawn inside the triangle? - Well, how what - this is a beast on the road! - Well, where is it installed? - Well, as where: one hundred and two hundred meters from the traffic police post ...


From the textbook on basic military training: "With the advent of the first aircraft, there was a need to destroy them."


Wife - husband: - If you knew how I want black caviar! - So buy a jar of squash ... Above it is always black!


From life. Crowded trolley. A female conductor walks along a trolley bus and shouts: “Citizens are passengers — we get travel documents, do not wait for me to slap everyone on the shoulder with my hand, because I have MIRROR-NY-E!


Everything is relative ... And the bath list believes that this person is stuck to him ...


Recently, Michael Jackson admitted his guilt, and now seeks to be put in a colony for minors.


The firefighter says: “I’m not a shy person, but when I’m near the face: flames, sparks, smoke, I’m still scared, so I don’t smoke”.


In the news there is a report about the flower show. In the same place there passes fashion show with furnish of clothes from every flower and blades of grass. And in the end, the correspondent gives the phrase: - The main thing in understanding beauty and harmony in this world is a great combination of grass and paper.


- Want to have a beautiful slim figure in the spring? - Why are there in the spring - in the old days I was able to fuck two excellent beautiful slender figures in one evening.


Somehow three women-neighbors gathered. - Oh, this plumber! Says the youngest. - Just open the door for him - immediately in bed you are dragged! - What are you, - objected to her second, older. - It is only after a glass of vodka for something good. - Not true! - Said the third neighbor, retired with experience. - Our plumber is a very polite and delicate person, he does not allow anything like that! Maybe they go to different plumbers?


- What do you give to Vasya? - Give a crystal ashtray! - He does not smoke! - Give crocodile pants, a monkey jacket, parrot jabot and ... - And you do not smoke!


- Dad, tell a fairy tale, but not this short one - “Fuck you, you moron!” ...


Advertising. Wolf wanted to eat Red Riding Hood - yes he changed his mind ... Durex condoms are the kindest fairy tale!


A sociological survey of residents of Moscow gave an interesting result. Our compatriots have never been so unanimous in their opinion! To the question: “How would you be able to briefly describe the work of our outstanding contemporary Zurab Tsereteli?”, All respondents answered very briefly and concisely, having put in just one capacious word: “Zaebal”.


Announcement: We make all sorts of garbage from the customer's material.


There are two friends who have not seen each other for a long time: - How are you? - Yes, I'm tired of everything! I recently bought a Subaru for myself, so I can’t find 20th wheels on it anywhere, I’ve got all the shops, I’ve climbed all the websites, and that's it! The wife in the boutique looked after 150 pieces, well, I gave her a bribe - so these bastards made her a discount of only 3%, estimate it. Got bold !!! And how are you? - And I ... Fuck you !!!


From life. At one wedding there was such a contest: about 15 pieces of paper were cut out of paper - and the groom had to step on each one and say a compliment to his ... ah ... wife. 1st: - Honey ... 2nd: - Beloved ... 3rd: - Beauty ... 4th: - Sunny ... 5th: Then he slips and falls, shouting: - FUCKING !!!


The girl makes a guy a blowjob ... He wriggles, moans in orgasm, cums. The girl, having swallowed: - Petya, tse scho - not Mirgorodska?


Next to the confused car stops, from there the driver leans out and asks: - How much? - 1500 rubles. - Eh, and I have only 100 with me! Let me give you 100 rubles and your mobile? Having estimated a mobile phone, confused agrees. Having received what he wanted, the driver gives her 100 rubles and is going to leave. Putana: - Hey, and mobile? !! - Oh, yes, I almost forgot - write!


Somehow during sex I was asked if I can bark like a dog? I answered: “I know how and sho?” ... To which I was told that it was not necessary to bark, but it was necessary to wag the tail more quickly ..


Romantic, fatalist and pragmatist are talking ... Romantic, dreamy: - Where does childhood go? Fatalist: - In pussy !!! Pragmatist: - Rude but true ...


Two hard workers are sitting in the lobby of a large office, they have a smoke break for an hour ... A man in a suit approaches them: - Why don't you work? They told him: - Who are you ?! - I am the TOP MANAGER of this company! - Top manager? Well, stomp out here fuck!


A man on Saturday worsened hemorrhoids. He wanted to go to the doctor, but he did not take it on weekends. And the pain is such that no strength can be tolerated - but, fortunately, one friend recommended lubricating this place with coffee grounds, and after that the pain did subside for a while. Reaching this way until Monday, the man goes to the doctor, who says to him: - Take off your pants, now we'll see. A man takes off his pants, the doctor looks and is silent for a long time. Finally, the man does not stand up and asks: - Well, what is there, doctor, something serious? - Well well. I see major changes in life, a long road, a government house ...