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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Americans also need peace!
And preferably the whole ...
They - potency, and us?
A girl is a whole world.
A woman is no longer a whole.
Past the military registration and enlistment office I go with proudly raised moron head!
The competition for the shortest course of the exercise of Freud won the phrase: "Libido is POC consciousness" ...
Loneliness is when you always know who cheated in the kitchen.
What kind of love can there be, if there is no desire even to just fuck her?
Selling a double comb from the skin of a young dermatitis.
The heart of a man consists of two ventricles: one for vodka, the other for snacks.
If you attach a bottle of vodka to the middle of the rope, then pulling the rope will be much more exciting.
If thoughts wander, then it's time to distill.
The new "Chappi" with the taste of Academician Pavlov - for dogs who remember.

Every year the princess was suffering more and more headaches. The princess was growing - but there is no crown ...

Whatever you say, but men still do everything better than women. Here Serezha Zverev, with his own example, proved that all blondes are fools.

"My husband is probably a Muslim." I come home at six in the morning, and he tells me wrong, wrong ...

- How to become a successful person? - Did you go to the toilet today? - Yes ... - Successful ?!

There is a very good way to contact by phone with any of the most inaccessible people. You call, say, the reception of the minister. The secretary asks who is calling. You say so menacingly: - Tell him that her husband is calling - he knows whose!

"Holmes, but how do you guess ..." "Elementary, Watson." "This is again your deductive ..." "No, it's a conjecture."

"Girl, can I not meet you?"

A young lady in a sex shop chooses a dildo for a long time, then immediately buys five pieces. The seller: - Tell me, why do you need so much? Lady (a little embarrassed): - I love, you know, casual connections ...

The girl at the reception: - Doctor! I need to recharge the film! - You are confusing something! This is not a photo studio and not even a circus! "You do not understand, my dear!" I need to restore virginity!

- On, skushtoi! Do not talk about it! Put the yazik. Vidchuvaish bulbashki? Tse carbide!

"Darling, I've already started talking with a chair, having breakfast with a kettle." Zaychik, if you do not call me, I will enter into a serious relationship with a vacuum cleaner !!!

"The sex hormone is the strongest hallucinogen!" - Justify. - Before you an ordinary bitch, and he shows you a sweet and gentle creature ...

User - the person stepping on the rake Teapot - a novice user, never stepping on the rake and therefore confident that the rake does not exist Lamer - a user who regularly attacks the rake, but still confident that the rake does not exist. Narrow specialist - a user who perfectly knows the attack on the same rake Widespread specialist - a user who has on his forehead more than two cones. The programmer is the one for whom the result is most important in the attack on the rake. Charter to step on someone else's rake, makes their own. Advanced programmer - programmer, stepping on each rake no more than twice. Copyright is a concept that limits the amount of rake available for an offensive financial user's capabilities. The gamer is the one for whom the process is most important in the attack on the rake. Usually not able to make your own rake. Cheater - a kind of gamer; comes only on the rake with foam nozzles on the handle and usually no more than once. A hacker is someone who can step on a rake, even if they are hidden in a barn and locked up. Hacker-idealist - a noble fighter for the right of everyone to attack an unlimited number of rakes. Microsoft is a corporation, the world leader in rake production Bill Gates is a mythical being from programmers' folklore; the evil spirit is the protector of the rake. Upgrade is the process of a permanent waste of money for the purchase of all new rakes, each of which hurts more than the previous ones. Beta version is a version in which the rake is visible to the naked eye. Release - version in which the rake is sprinkled with leaves. Compatibility versions - the principle that allows new rakes to get exactly the bumps from the previous ones. Assembler is a programming language that allows you to step on the rake several million times per second. The local network is a technology that allows you to get on the forehead, even when someone else comes to the rake. Internet - technology that allows you to step on the rake, located on the other side of the globe

Outside the sea, a heifer - a half-dollar, and a ruble freight ... and two customs clearance. When a girl looks like a bun - then you want to try it, and when it looks like a dough - you think: how much will it make a bun? A person always believes in a miracle, especially when he presses the "Request balance" button on the ATM ... Is there time to get sick? Only "Bittner" will help you find the time! If you felt a man in you, you became a woman. To successfully cry, you just have to joke unsuccessfully. Make a fool dick suck - so she will roll her lip ... If you can not swear dirty, it remains only to cleanly swear. Opened a new gay club for dogs "Blue Bone". The most cheerful creatures in the world are crocodiles and chiefs. They laugh at us to tears!

"Girl, do you like animals?" - It's like to understand - are you making a proposal to me?

"Darling, you are beautiful, like these flowers!" "And I thought I was beautiful, like a gold bracelet." - No! You are beautiful, like these flowers!

On May 7, the radio operator Kat was leaving Berlin, away from neighbors and acquaintances ... Their ambiguous congratulations on Radio Day frightened her.

"Hello, Bush!" - Hey, Nuts! - And where is the BRAIN ?!

At last the eternal engine is invented! The principle of his work to the outrage is simple: a round wooden wheel inside which runs Duncan MacLeod.

On a date, a female pessimist, seeing an unbuttoned fly, concludes - getting dressed, forgot to fasten ... An optimist: "Ha, has already unzipped!".

- Estimate - I'm walking along the street, and some kind of asshole's shoulder touches me so - and, most importantly, did not stop, did not apologize! - Well, what about you ?! - Well, I Che - stopped, I apologized ...

"Somebody take this skeleton away, Morrison?" "This is the maid's skeleton, sir, there's no one to take him away!"

"Darling, do not you think that our son spends too much time in the bathroom?" "Honey, he's a plumber here!"

- Girls! Remember: on the first date, the main thing is not to snore!

- They broke my heart, they spat in my soul, they trampled at me all ... - Yes, for which I, a masochist, have such happiness!

- Hello! Is this phone sex? - Yes! And you will pay dearly for these words ...

While other nations discovered the Caribbean islands, Fiji and Australia, the Russians discovered the New Earth, Alaska and Antarctica ...

- Nemet heart in sweet pain, A curl is rubbed on the shoulder. I write to you, what else? - Rzhunimagu! Peshy ischo!

One man tells the other that he had a familiar girl named "Countess". "She must have been all so aristocratic?" - No, she was in the tavern in a drunken brawl with a decanter on the head ...

The original ballet based on Krylov's fable "Dragonfly and Ant" was staged at the Mariinsky Theater. The text of the fable is left unchanged, and the ballet itself begins after the words: "... So go popelashi!".

"I am the prince," the frog said modestly, and, tremblingly squeezing the arrow, inadvertently farted ... ... and turned into a girl ... Red-red.

- Hello, dear viewers, on the air of the telecast "Call of the jungle" ... So, we welcome our participants. Hello, crocodile! - I'm not a crocodile - I'm a panda .. - No, girl - you're a crocodile ...

On the collective farm "Bright Way" the hens refuse to carry the eggs, motivating it by the fact that only yesterday they already wore cement and bricks ...

The muzhik on the operating table: - Doctor, and you have not forgotten about anesthesia? - Anesthesia ?! Why do you need anesthesia? You'll see what I'm doing with you - you're going to turn off yourself ...

The guy is arguing with the girl. "You fool!" "You fool!" - Idiot! - Idiot! - Goat! - Goat! - Kretinka! - Nerd! - Shit! - Itself shit! "Gargona!" - Ha .... - Tears. Guys - do not bend the stick, why give an excuse for tears.

In the new edition of the list of the richest people in America, Michael Jackson is no longer mentioned. But there appeared a new face - a lawyer of Michael Jackson.

"Boys, everyone says I'm a dummy." And what's that? - Alice, you're not a blob - you're a blonde, remember! And better write it down!

I was at a restaurant. I ate the fish I had caught. The only pity is that she quickly asked to go back into the water ...

- I would like to express my great gratitude to the guys who beat me in the chera by the metro ... THANK YOU - now I'm a benefit recipient!

A man enters the elevator. A breathless woman runs after him. "Up or down?" - the man is politely interested. She lifts her skirt: - Down.

When I was born, I had a choice - to become a boy or a girl ... I chose the first! It is better to finish sucking in one year than to start at 14.

From life. Somehow he told his six-year-old daughter an anecdote: "Do you know why the goat has such sad eyes?" - No, I do not know ... - Because, her husband is a goat! On her naive, childlike face - no shadow of a smile. And after a short pause: - Well, what did she want?

- Why is the female breast - this is a secondary sexual characteristic, and the male term is the primary one? - Because there are two boobs, and a dick - one!

The newlyweds are married for two weeks. My husband, although very much in love, can not wait to slip away - to get drunk with old friends. - My dear, I'll be right back ... - And where are you going, my kusi-musi? - Yes in the bar, face ... Beer to have a drink ... - Do you want beer, beloved? She opened the refrigerator and showed him 25 different brands of brand beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Australia, etc. He did not know what to say - and the only thing that occurred to him: - But, my sweet ... but in the bar ... they have frozen beer mugs! He did not finish the sentence. "Do you want a frozen mug, my puppy?" She took a giant beer mug from the freezer, so cold that she could hardly hold it. His face took the expression of a bucket. "Ah ... er ... my bothering ... but in the bar there are such solonets, such a delicious snack ... I'm fast!" Straight back and forth ... Okay? - Do you want snacks, uchi-muti? She took out 15 dishes of a snack from the oven: chicken wings, "mumps in blankets," mushroom hats, strips of smoked-dried pork, etc. "But, my sweetie ... in the bar ... you know ... there's scolding, guys with the mother and in general ..." "You want an atmosphere, my donut?" To the peasants wanted, a fag ?! Listen here, you halfhead! Luck your fucking beer from the damned frozen mug and eat, fuck your mother, a snack, because you're not going anywhere today !! Shoot, asshole? ... And they lived happily ever after.

The drunk husband comes home, goes into the entrance, knocks at some door. - Who's there? - Masha, it's me! - I'm not Masha ... - Well, Klava! - I'm not Klava ... - Listen, wife, how can you be there, can play in the city?

Two gentlemen after the hunt are sitting by the fire, stretching their legs to the fire, and are silent: "Sir, I'm afraid your socks begin to smolder." "Are you likely to say boots, sir?" "No, the boots have already been burnt, sir."

- A neighbor, I see, recently your husband has noticeably lost weight. He is not sick? - No, he just goes fishing every day. - And that's why it grows thin? - Of course. After all, he eats only that fish that he will catch.

The foreigner returns to the hotel at night and falls into an open sewer. Somehow it is chosen and loudly curses. The cop approaches: - What's the matter, citizen? - Why do not you protect the pit with flags, as in any normal country ?! "And when you crossed the border, did you see the red flag?" "I saw ..." "Well, what kind of claims?"

The investigator: - Do you recognize this knife? - Of course! - Ah, so do you still find out ?! "How can you not know, you have shown it to me for three weeks already!"

The newlyweds went to nature. We set up a tent. Well, it got dark, they're in a tent and fuck. At the most interesting place a cracking of the tent is heard. The newlyweds are terribly frightened. The Georgian looks into the tent: - Izalanta Est? - No ... The Georgian is leaving. The newlyweds are sewing up the tent till morning, they climb into it and on a new one. And on the most interesting place again the same situation. Georgian: - Dergi iszantu.

The captain pointed to the new helmsman for the Polar Star and ordered him to keep the course directly to her. For a while everything went fine, but then the helmsman felt himself in difficulty and called the officer. "Sir, I've already passed under this star." Please indicate to me a new one. The Georgian comes with a girl in a cafe. He knows how to talk in Russian, but knows only numbers 1 and 3. He leans toward the girl: - What is the tebe ordering? "Perhaps I should have a cup of coffee." The Georgian, after a moment's thought: "The waiter, the princesses, the cups of the kofe, and the one-mamentally unesi!"

Night. Moon. Bench. On the bench are two He and She. The second night. The same moon. The same bench. The same man. But another Woman! The third night. The same moon. The same bench. The same man! But another Woman. So let us drink to the CONSTANTLY of Men and the UNSPECITY of Women ...

Tell the son honestly - do you smoke nonsense? Dad, I'm a daughter! - Will there be a war? - No, but there will be such a struggle for peace that the stone will not remain on the stone.

- How do the Czechs know that the earth is round? - In 1945 they drove the invaders to the West, and in 1968 they returned from the east.

- How to withdraw Soviet troops from Czechoslovakia without losing prestige? - Through Romania.

Returning from the maternity ward, Miss Smith first cursed and then beat her husband, indicating that their newborn has not the slightest resemblance to her, but strikingly resembles the wife's secretary.

As long as you remember Russian, your life in the Czech Republic will be one continuous joy. "Stink" in translation from the Czech spirits, "stale noodles" - fresh products, "a caddy with cattle on the plaville" - a stout guy with a paddle on the boat and other jokes. They say that a few years ago, Russian tourists were neighing to hiccups, looking at the billboards of Coca-Cola. There was a traditional frozen bottle, and the inscription on the shield read: "We've finished the creature!" The Russians hailing from laughter did not immediately realize that in translation from the Czech this inscription is just a powerful advertising slogan - "Perfect creation!". In Prague, above the entrance to some places of entertainment there is an inscription - "Girls are free." Can you imagine how Russian-speaking male characters break off when they find out what it means only that girls do not pay for the entrance! And a dwelling house - "barracks", socks - "ponoski", hello girlfriend - "aha fake" ...... And it's true!

From grandfather left, from my grandmother left ... How do you think who is this ?? (Sex)

- Married? - I'm married! "Well, how's your wife?" - The guys praised!

Vovochka approaches Dad and asks: - Dad, what is "Dzin-jin, hryu-hryu"? - I do not know. "It's a piggy on the tram." And what is "Dzin-jin, gav-gav"? - It's a dog on the tram arrived. - No. This mother came home from work ...

Morning. A man in a terrible hangover, every rustle is given in the head with a hammer. Suddenly he gets up, takes the cat by the scruff and throws it out of the apartment. Wife: - What are you doing! The moron !!! And the husband answers: - All cats, like cats, but this one: top-top, top-top !!! AT

The river was drowned drunk. The policeman writes: "The act of drowning." Thought, crossed out and wrote: "Act of Utopia." Another thought and wrote: "Act on the entrance of the body into the water and the lack of a body from the water."

We have all the bosses - the birds: well, for example, Skvortsov, Soloviev, Orlov, ... - And Ivanov? - Ivanov, blah ... Ivanov is a woodpecker !!!

Sells a guy in the market talking a parrot. He has a red ribbon tied to one leg, and to the other - a blue ribbon. Zhenshina approaches and is interested: - Why is his ribbons tied? - You pull the blue one - speaks English, the red one - in French. - And if you pull, what will happen? The parrot does not stand up: - What will happen, what will happen!?! I'll fall on my ass!

My husband went to the toilet and sat there for a long time ... 15 minutes passes, 30, an hour .... My wife has already forgotten and passing the toilet turned off the light (such that it burns if there is no one) .. Suddenly screams "Ah "A-ah-ah-ah !!!!!" Wife - My God! Husband! In the toilet! Quickly turns on the light ... From there: - Ah ... It's just light .. I thought my eyes burst ...

Two friends met, they communicate. -Sharp, I found the liguet, the lady's piriness, Tie mines? -Yes. -Posted on kravat, morning prasnulsya, and next devushka.Verishch? -Yes. -Your pauchemu my wife does not believe !?

My husband returned from a business trip. His wife - a lover, who hid in the closet. At this time a fire broke out in the apartment. Family couple began to rush, grabbing valuables and utensils. And from the cupboard he says: - Urgently take out the furniture!

There is a congress of people's deputies. From the last row a man climbs up to the Presidium: "Comrades, part a little, I can not see ..." "Maybe you'll give me binoculars?" - No, thanks, I have an optical ...

The well-known Austrian chemist Adolf E. Frank said to one student during the exam: "You are very resourceful and smart. The main thing is that you know how to express a lot of nonsense in a few words ...

- Yes, some kind of non-children's fairytale happened, - thought Kolobok, chewing on the remains of the fox ...

- Mom, what is a "transvestite"? "You know, I do not really know, sonny - go to the kitchen and ask Uncle Natasha."

The husband returns home in the morning. Evil wife curses at him: - Where were you? I did not sleep all night. The husband: - And you think, I slept!

Ppodat gruzin honey, and advertises: - This, yes - a good honey! Znaish, what kind of bee is this honey? Balshoi, yes! That's it (shows his fingers), yes! The buyer: - And how does he get into the wild boar, eh? - Vizzhyt, krychyt, and laset! Who is ne zalazet - on smiles?

She climbs into the crowded tram girl: - Pass, miss, miss a pregnant woman. "Excuse me, but where do you see that you are pregnant?" - Well, straight, what do you want, what would be in half an hour it was visible.

A young girl says to a seated man: - Oh, give way to a pregnant woman. He concedes, then looks - she does not have anything. - Excuse me, but what is the deadline? - 30 minutes, but I'm so tired, so tired ...

Talk on the bus. The man turns to the woman standing in front of him. "Madam, you have risen on the road, like a heifer unborn." "What kind of lady am I to you!"

The doctor - to the patient: - Calm down, your wound on the head was quite heavy, but the main thing was to avoid amputation.

In a mad house, a group of patients decided to escape. The next day one of the patients frowns: - It will not work, the fence is taken down!

The man is excitedly walking in the maternity hall. Finally, the nurse takes out and shows him a newborn black baby. "I did not expect anything else from my Isabella!" the man clasped his hands. "She's always burning up!"

A woman should complex about intellect, only if she has a small breast. It's not a problem when you do not get dressed. Trouble when there is nothing. If you are not appreciated - rejoice! And then I would still have to. Has come scented, and has left занюханная. February 23 is the day of the defender of the Fatherland. When will the day of the deviationist? I wonder why Christmas is two, and baptism is one? .. The strongest drug is an ass, once licking it, a person can no longer stop. The film can not be highly artistic, box office and American at the same time. We must drink with the women, then to them not to go. Go to your wife with such a bouquet! Sclerosis in minetchitsa: money in the mouth, a member in the purse. Falsified lipstick is the most common cause of penis cancer! Women spend money wisely! As a result - neither money, nor mind ...

"I need Jerry Garcia De la Paso." Tell me where he is, or I'll knock your brains out! - Mmm! Actually, after eleven, we are not allowed into the hostel ...

When trying to check documents from the citizen of Tyubeitikistan Anuslan-Zade Karmanberegaliev, it turned out that the sergeant of police Oleg Popov can not read ...

A meaningful sentence in Russian of six words, five of which are verbs: "It's time to get ready to go and go buy a drink."

Passes the man exam in the traffic police. Gibadadeshnik asks him: - What is this sign, where is the cow drawn inside the triangle? "Well, what sort of a cattle is on the road!" - Well, and where is it installed? - Well, where is it: one hundred or two hundred meters from the traffic police post ...

From the textbook on initial military training: "With the advent of the first aircraft, there was a need to destroy them."

Wife-husband: - If you knew how I want black caviar! "So buy a jar of canned ... From above, it's always black!"

From life. Crowded trolley. A female conductor walks on a trolley bus and yells: - Citizens are passengers - we get the travel documents, do not wait for everyone to tap on the shoulder with my hand, because my hands are dirty!

Everything is relative ... A bath sheet thinks that this person is attached to it ...

Recently, Michael Jackson pleaded guilty, and now he wants to be imprisoned in a juvenile colony.

The firefighter says: "I'm not a timid person, but when I'm near the very face: the flames, sparks, smoke - I'm still scared, so I do not smoke."

In the news there is a report about the exhibition of flowers. There is also a fashion show with clothes from all sorts of flowers and grass. And at the end the correspondent gives out the phrase: "The main thing in understanding beauty and harmony in this world is the magnificent combination of grass and paper.

- Do you want to have a beautiful slender figure by the spring? - Yes, there by spring - in the old days I managed to have two beautiful beautiful slender figures in one evening.

Somehow three women-neighbors met together. - Oh, this plumber! Says the youngest. "Only you'll open the door to him - he's dragging you to bed at once!" "Yes you are," said the second, an older one. - It's only after a glass of vodka that something is good. - Not true! - said the third neighbor, a retired pensioner with experience. - Our plumber is a very polite and delicate person, does not allow anything like this! Maybe they go to different plumbers?

- What will we give to Vasya? - Give the ashtray crystal! - He does not smoke! "Come on crocodile trousers, monkey jacket, parrot frill and ..." "And do not smoke!"

- Dad, tell a fairy tale, but not this short one - "Fuck you, moron!" ...

Advertising. I wanted the Wolf to eat the Red Riding Hood - yes changed my mind ... Condoms "Durex" - the most kind fairy tale!

Opinion poll among Moscow residents gave an interesting result. Never our compatriots were so unanimous in their opinion! To the question: "How could you briefly describe the work of our outstanding contemporary Zurab Tsereteli?", All the respondents answered very briefly and succinctly, meeting only one capacious word: "Zaebal."

Announcement: We do all sorts of stuff from the customer's material.

There are two friends who have not seen each other: - How are you? - Yes, all has bothered! I bought myself a Subaru recently, so I can not find 20 wheels on it, all the shops ran around, all the sites were freezing-no, that's all! Wife in the boutique fur coat looked after 150 pieces, well, I gave her a cash - so these bastards discount her only 3% did, figure it out. Oborzeli !!! And how about you? - And I ... Yes you fuck you!

From life. At one wedding there was such a contest: about 15 pieces of paper were cut out of the paper - and the groom had to step on for each and say a compliment to his ... er ... his wife. 1st: - Sweetheart ... 2nd: - Beloved ... 3rd: - Beauty ... 4th: - Sunny ... 5th: Then he slips and falls with screams: - FUCK !!!

The girl makes a guy blowjob ... He wriggles, groans in orgasm, cums. The girl, swallowing: "Petya, is not it Mirgorod?"

Next to the muddle, the car stops, a driver pops out and asks: "How much?" - 1500 rubles. - Ah, but I have only 100 with me! Let me give you 100 rubles and your mobile? Evaluating the look of the cell phone, Putana agrees. Having received what he wanted, the driver gives her 100 rubles and is going to leave. Putana: - Hey, and mobile? !! - Oh, yes, I almost forgot - write it down!

I was asked somehow during sex - do I know how to bark like a dog? I said: "I am able and sho?" ... What they told me was that it's not necessary to bark, but the tail should be wagged faster.

A romantic, a fatalist and a pragmatist are talking ... A romantic, dreamy: - Where does childhood go? Fatalist: - In the pussy! Pragmatic: - Roughly, but surely ...

Two hard workers are sitting in the lobby of a large office, they are already smoking for an hour ... A man in a suit approaches them: - Why do not you work? They told him: - Who are you ?! - I'm the TOP-MANAGER of this company! - Top manager? Well, stamp out of here!

At the muzhik on Saturday has become aggravated with a hemorrhoids. He wanted to go to the doctor, but he does not take it on weekends. And the pain is such that no strength can be tolerated - but, fortunately, an acquaintance recommended to lubricate this place with coffee grounds, and after that the pain really subsided for a while. Having thus reached Monday, the man goes to the doctor who says to him: - Take off your pants, now we'll see. The peasant takes off his pants, the doctor looks and remains silent for a long time. Finally the peasant does not stand up and asks: - Well, what's wrong, doctor, something serious? - So-so. I see major changes in life, a long journey, a government house ...