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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Americans also need peace!
And preferably all ...
They have potency, but us?
A girl is a whole world.
The woman is no longer whole.
I walk past the draft board with a proudly moronic head!
The competition for the shortest course of Freud’s teachings was won by the phrase: “Libido is POC consciousness” ...
Loneliness is when you always know who made a mistake in the kitchen.
What kind of love can we talk about if there is no desire to even just fuck her?
I will sell a sheepskin coat from a skin of a young dermatin.
A man’s heart consists of two ventricles: one for vodka, the other for snacks.
If you tie a bottle of vodka to the middle of the rope, then pulling the rope will be much more exciting.
If thoughts roam, then it's time to overtake.
The new "Chappi" with the taste of academician Pavlov - for dogs that remember.

Every year the princess was more and more tormented by headaches. The princess was growing - but the crown is not ...

Say what you like, but men still do everything better than women. Here Seryozha Zverev by his own example proved that all blondes are fools.

- My husband is probably a Muslim. I come home at six in the morning, and he is wrong, wrong ...

- How to become a successful person? “Did you go to the toilet today?” - Yes ... - Successfully ?!

There is a very good way to get in touch with any of the most inaccessible people. You call, say, the minister’s office. The secretary asks who is calling. You speak so menacingly: - Tell him that the husband is calling - he knows whose!

- Holmes, but how do you guess ... - Elementary, Watson. - This is again your deductive ... - No, this is a hunch.

- Girl, can I not get to know you?

A lady in a sex shop takes a long time to choose a dildo, then immediately buys five pieces. Seller: - Tell me, why do you need so much? Lady (a little embarrassed): - I love, you know, random connections ...

The girl at the reception: - Doctor! I need to reload the film! - You are confusing something! This is not a photo shop or even a circus! - You do not understand, my dear! I need to restore my virginity!

- On, eat it! Tilki do not whip! Lay on the tongue. Did you know the bulbs? Ce carbide!

- Honey, I already started talking with a chair, having breakfast with a teapot. Hare ik, if you do not call me, I will enter into a serious relationship with a vacuum cleaner !!!

- Sex hormone - the most powerful hallucinogen! - Justify. - Before you ordinary bitch, and he shows you a sweet and gentle creature ...

User - a person stepping on a rake. A teapot - a beginning user, never stepping on a rake and therefore sure that a rake does not exist. Lamer is a user who regularly stepping on a rake, but still confident that a rake does not exist. A narrow specialist is a user who perfectly knows how to attack the same rake A wide specialist is a user who has more than two cones on his forehead. A programmer is one for whom the most important thing in stepping on a rake is the result. Tired of stepping on someone else's rake, makes its own. Advanced programmer - a programmer that steps on each rake no more than two times. Copyright - a concept that limits the amount of rake available for an offensive by the financial capabilities of the user. The gamer is the one for whom the process is most important in stepping on a rake. Usually unable to make their own rake. Cheater is a kind of gamer; comes only on a rake with foam tips on the handle and usually no more than once. A hacker is one who is able to step on a rake, even if they are hidden in a barn and locked. The idealist hacker is a noble fighter for the right of everyone to step on an unlimited number of rakes. Microsoft - the corporation, the world leader in rake production Bill Gates - a mythical creature from programmer folklore; the evil spirit is the patron of the rake. Upgrade is a process of permanent spending of money on the purchase of ever new rakes, each of which beat more painfully than the previous ones. Beta is the version in which the rake is visible to the naked eye. The release is the version in which the rake is sprinkled with leaves. Version compatibility is a principle that allows new rakes to hit exactly the bump from previous ones. Assembler is a programming language that allows you to step on a rake several million times per second. Local area network - a technology that allows you to get on the forehead, even when someone else steps on the rake. Internet - technology that allows you to step on a rake located on the other side of the globe

Overseas heifers - half, but the ruble transported ... and two customs clearance. When a girl looks like a bun, you want to try it, and when she looks like a dough, you think: how many buns will come out of her? A person always believes in a miracle, especially when he clicks on the “Request balance” button on an ATM ... No time to hurt? Only Bittner can help you find the time! If you feel a man in yourself, then you have become a woman. To cry successfully, you just need to joke unsuccessfully. Make a fool cock suck - so she rolls her lip ... If you can’t swear dirty, you just have to swear. Opened a new gay club for dogs "Blue Stone". The funniest creatures in the world are crocodiles and bosses. They laugh at us to tears!

- Girl, do you like animals? - This is how to understand - are you making me an offer?

- Darling - you are beautiful, like these flowers! “And I thought I was beautiful, like a golden bracelet.” - Not! You are beautiful, like these flowers !!!

On May 7, the radio operator Kat left Berlin, away from neighbors and acquaintances ... Their ambiguous congratulations on Radio Day scared her.

- Hello Bush! - Hi, Nuts! - Where's the brain? !!

The perpetual motion machine is finally invented! The principle of its work is disgracefully simple: a round wooden wheel inside which Duncan MacLeod runs.

On a date, a woman-pessimist, seeing her unbuttoned fly, concludes - when dressing, I forgot to fasten ... Optimist: "Ha! Already unzipped!".

- Count up - I’m walking along the street, and some asshole with my shoulder hurts me like that - but, most importantly, I didn’t stop, I didn’t apologize! - Well, what are you ?! - Well, what am I - stopped, sorry ...

“Anyone remove this skeleton, Morrison?” “This is the skeleton of a maid, sir, there is no one to remove it!”

“Honey, don't you think our son spends too much time in the bathroom?” - Honey, he’s our plumber!

- Girls! Remember: on the first date, the main thing is not to snore!

- They broke my heart, they spat in my soul, they trampled everything in me ... - Why, for me, a simple masochist, such happiness !!!

- Hello! Is it phone sex? - Yes! And you will pay dearly for these words ...

While other nations discovered the Caribbean, Fiji and Australia, the Russians discovered the New Earth, Alaska and Antarctica ...

- The heart is numb in sweet pain, A curl is curling on the shoulder. I am writing to you, why is it more ?! - Rjunimagu! Pesho ischo!

One man tells another that he had a girlfriend named “Countess”. “She must have been all so aristocratic?” - No, she was hit in the pub in a drunken brawl with a decanter on the head ...

The original ballet based on Krylov's fable "Dragonfly and Ant" was staged at the Mariinsky Theater. The text of the fable is left unchanged, and the ballet itself begins after the words: "... So go dancing!"

“I am the princess,” said the frog modestly and, anxiously clutching the arrow, accidentally farted ... ... And turned into a girl ... Red-red.

- Hello, dear viewers, on the air the TV show "Call of the Jungle" ... So, we welcome our participants. Hello crocodile! - I'm not a crocodile - I'm a panda .. - No, girl - you're a crocodile ...

On the Svetly Put collective farm, hens refuse to lay eggs, motivating this by saying that only yesterday they already wore cement and bricks ...

A man on the operating table: - Doctor, and you did not forget about anesthesia? - Anesthesia ?! Why do you need anesthesia? You will see what I'm doing with you - you disconnect yourself ...

The guy swears with the girl. - Fool! - Fool! - You idiot! - Moron! - Goat! - Goat! - Nerd! - Nerd! - Shit! - Himself shit! - Gargona! - Ha .... - Tears. Guys - do not go too far, why give cause for tears.

In the new edition of the list of the richest people in America, Michael Jackson is no longer mentioned. But there appeared a new face - Michael Jackson's lawyer.

- Boys, everyone says I'm a blank. And what's that? - Alice, you are not a blank - you are a blonde, remember! Better write it down!

Was in a restaurant. I ate the fish I caught. It’s only a pity that she quickly asked to return to the water ...

- I would like to express my deep gratitude to the guys who beat me in the middle of the metro ... THANKS - now I am a beneficiary!

A man enters the elevator. Following him runs a panting woman. - Up or down? - the man is politely interested. She lifts her skirt: - Down.

When I was born, I had a choice - to become a boy or a girl ... I chose the first! Better finish sucking in one year than start at 14.

From life. He once told a joke to his six-year-old daughter: - Do you know why goats have such sad eyes? - No, I don’t know ... - Because, her husband has a goat! On her naive, childish face - not a shadow of a smile. And after a short pause: - Well, what did she want?

- Why is the female breast a secondary sexual characteristic, and the male member the primary? “Because there are two boobs, and the dick is one!”

The newlyweds are married for two weeks. Her husband, albeit very in love, is eager to sneak out - to buzz with old friends. - Honey, I'll be right back ... - Where are you going, my bite-and-mush? - Yes, to the bar, face ... Drink beer ... - Do you want a beer, my love? She opened the refrigerator and showed him 25 different beers from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Australia, etc. He did not know what to say - and the only thing that occurred to him: - But, my sweetie ... but in the bar ... they have frozen beer mugs! He did not have time to finish the sentence. “Do you want a frozen mug, my puppy?” She took out a giant beer mug from the freezer - so cold that she could hardly hold it. His face took on the expression of a bucket. - Ah ... uh ... my trouble ... but there are such salt licks in the bar, such a delicious snack ... I’m fast! Straight back and forth ... OK? - Do you want snacks, uti-muti? She took out from the oven 15 dishes of the snack: chicken wings, “pigs in blankets”, mushroom caps, strips of smoked-dried pork, etc. - But, my sweetie ... at the bar ... you know ... there is swearing, men with a mother and in general ... - Do you want the atmosphere, my donut? Wanted to peasants, fag ?! Listen here, half-headed! Enjoy your fucking beer from a damned frozen mug and eat, fuck your mother, zakuson, because you won’t go anywhere today !! Truncated ass? ... And they lived happily ever after.

A drunk husband comes home, enters the porch, knocks on some door. - Who's there? - Masha, it's me! - I'm not Masha ... - Well, Klava! - I'm not Klava ... - Listen, wife, how are you there, maybe we'll play in the cities ?!

After hunting, two gentlemen sit by the fireplace, legs extended to the fire, and are silent: “Sir, I'm afraid your socks will begin to smolder.” “You probably want to say boots, sir?” “No, the boots have long been burned, sir.”

- Neighbor, I see, recently your husband has noticeably lost weight. Is he not sick? - No, he just goes fishing every day. - And why is losing weight? - Of course. After all, he eats only the fish that he catches.

The foreigner returns to the hotel at night and falls into the open sewer manhole. Somehow gets out and swears loudly. Cop comes up: - What's the matter, citizen? - Why do not they mark the pit with flags, as in any normal country ?! “And when you crossed the border, did you see the red flag?” - I saw ... - Well, so what claims?

Investigator: - Do you recognize this knife? - Of course! “Ah, you still know ?!” “How not to find out, you have been showing it to me for three weeks now!”

The newlyweds went to nature. We put up a tent. Well, as it got dark, they - into the tent and fuck. At the most interesting place, the sound of a cut tent is heard. The newlyweds are terribly scared. Georgian peers into the tent: - Isalenta est? - No ... The Georgian is leaving. The newlyweds close up the tent until the morning, climb into it and over again. And in the most interesting place the situation is again the same. Georgian: - Derzhi izalentu.

The captain pointed to the new helmsman at the North Star and ordered him to keep his course straight at her. For a while, everything went fine, but then the helmsman felt embarrassed and called the officer. - Sir, I have already passed under this star. Please indicate to me a new one. A Georgian comes in with a girl in a cafe. He knows how to speak Russian, but knows only 1 and 3 from the numbers. He leans to the girl: - What should I order? - I think a cup of coffee. A Georgian, after a moment's thought: - Waiter, princess three cups of coffee, and one mantally unesi!

Night. Moon. Bench. On the bench are two He and She. Second night. The same moon. The same bench. The same man. But another Woman! Third night. The same moon. The same bench. The same man! But another Woman. So let’s drink for the CONSTANTITY of Men and the INCONTINENCE of Women ...

Tell me honestly - do you smoke crap? Dad, I am a daughter! - Will there be a war? - No, but there will be such a struggle for peace that there will not be a stone on a stone.

- How do the Czechs know that the earth is round? - In 1945, they drove the invaders to the west, and in 1968 they returned from the east.

- How to withdraw Soviet troops from Czechoslovakia without losing prestige? - Via Romania.

Upon returning from the maternity hospital, Miss Smith first scolded, and then beat her husband, indicating that their newborn does not bear the slightest resemblance to her, but is strikingly similar to her husband's secretary.

As long as you remember Russian, your life in the Czech Republic will be one sheer fun. “Skunk” translated from Czech perfume, “stale gravels” - fresh food, “bastard with cattle on a boat” - a handsome guy with a paddle on a boat and other jokes. They say that several years ago, Russian tourists neighing to hiccups, looking at the Coca-Cola billboards. A traditional frozen bottle flaunted there, and the inscription on the billboard said: “Done the creature!” The Russians hiccuping with laughter did not immediately realize that in Czech, this inscription is just a powerful advertising slogan - “Perfect creation!”. In Prague, over the entrance to some entertainment venues flaunts the inscription - "Girls for free." Imagine breaking off Russian-speaking males when they find out what it means only that the girls do not pay the entrance fee! And also a residential building - "barracks", socks - "ponoski", hello girlfriend - "akh fart" ...... And it's true!

He left his grandfather, he left his grandmother ... Who do you think this is ??? (Sex)

- Married? - got married! “Well, how is your wife?” - The guys praised!

Little Vovochka comes up to dad and asks: - Dad, what is "Dzin-dzin, oink-oink"? - I do not know. - This pig arrived on the tram. And what is Jin-jin, woof-woof? - This dog came by tram. - Not. This mom came home from work ...

Morning. A man in a terrible hangover, every rustle is given in the head with a hammer. Suddenly he gets up, takes the cat by the scruff of his neck and throws him out of the apartment. Wife: - Why are you! Moron !!! And the husband replies: - All cats are like cats, but this one: top-top, top-top !!! IN

the river drowned drunk. The policeman writes: "Act of drowning." Thought, crossed out and wrote: "Act of Utopia." I also thought and wrote: "The act of the body entering the water and the body not leaving the water."

We have all the bosses - birds: for example, Skvortsov, Soloviev, Orlov, ... - And Ivanov? - Ivanov, blah ... Ivanov - a woodpecker !!!

A man is selling at the market of a talking parrot. He has a red ribbon tied to one leg, and a blue ribbon to the other. Zhenshina comes up and is interested: - Why does he have the ribbons tied? - You pull for the blue - speaks English, for the red - in French. - And if you pull for both, what will happen? The parrot does not stand up: - What will happen, what will happen!?! I’ll fall on the ass!

The husband went to the toilet and sat there for a long time ... 15 minutes pass, 30, an hour .... My wife already forgot and passing the toilet turned off the light (like that it burns if there is nobody) .. Suddenly heart-rending cries "Ah -a-ah-ah-ah !!!!! "wife - My God! Husband! In the toilet! Quickly turns on the light ... From there: - Ah ... It's just the light .. I thought my eyes snapped ...

Met two friends, chatting. - Fucking, I found a frog, a pyrines lady, Ti mine? -Yes. -Put on kravat, in the morning he started, and the girl was next. Verisch? -Yes. “Why don't my wife believe !?”

The husband returned from a business trip. My wife has a lover who hid in a closet. At this time, a fire broke out in the apartment. The couple began to rush about, grabbing valuables and utensils. And from the cabinet is heard: - Urgently take out the furniture!

There is a congress of people's deputies. A man crawls out from the last row to the Presidium: - Comrades, step aside a little, I can’t see ... - Maybe I should give you binoculars? - No thanks, I have an optical ...

The famous Austrian chemist Adolf E. Frank during an exam said to one student: - You are very resourceful and quick-witted. The main thing - you know how to express a huge amount of nonsense in a few words ...

- Yes, we got some kind of non-childish tale, thought Kolobok, chewing on the remains of the fox ...

- Mom, what is a transvestite? - You know, I don’t know for sure, son - go to the kitchen and ask Uncle Natasha.

The husband returns home in the morning. The angry wife swears at him: - Where have you been? I did not sleep all night. Husband: - Do you think I was sleeping!

It sells honey, and advertises: - This is, yes - good mad! Do you know what kind of bees such a mad divides? Balshoy, yes! Here it is (points fingers), yes! Buyer: - And how does he get into the hive, huh? - Squealing, wailing, and lezat! Who ne zalezet - on the street will start!

A girl climbs into a tram full of trams: - Skip, skip, skip a pregnant woman. - Excuse me, but where can you see that you are pregnant? - Well, right, what do you want, what would be visible in half an hour.

A young girl says to a seated man: - Oh, give way to a pregnant woman. He gives in, then looks closely - she has nothing. - Excuse me, but how long? - 30 minutes, but I'm so tired, so tired ...

Talking on the bus. A man addresses a woman standing in front of him. - Ma'am, that you stood on the road, like a chick not milked. “What madam I am to you!”

Doctor - to the patient: - Calm down, your head wound was quite severe, but most importantly, amputation was avoided.

In a crazy house, a group of patients decided to escape. The next day, one of the patients gloomyly declares: - Nothing will come of it, the fence was demolished!

A man walks excitedly in the hall of the hospital. Finally, the nurse takes out and shows him a newborn black baby. “I did not expect anything else from my Isabella!” - the man threw up his hands. “Everything burns forever with her!”

A woman should be complex about intelligence only if she has small breasts. It does not matter when there is nothing to dress. The trouble is when there’s nothing. If you are not appreciated - rejoice! Otherwise I should have stayed. Perfumed came, and snuffed out. February 23 is the day of Defender of the Fatherland. When will the day of the deviator be? I wonder why Christmas is two, and baptism is one? .. The most powerful drug is an ass, once you lick it, a person can no longer stop. The film cannot be highly artistic, box office and American at the same time. You need to drink with the women so that you don’t go to them later. Come to your wife with such a bouquet! Minetric sclerosis: money in the mouth, penis in the handbag. Fake lipstick is the most common cause of penis cancer! Women spend money wisely! In the end, no money, no mind ...

“I need Jerry Garcia De la Paso.” Say where he is, or I'll blow your brains out! - Mmm! Actually, after eleven, we don’t let the hostel go ...

When trying to check the documents with the citizen of Tybeteikistan Anuslan-Zade Karmanberegaliyev it turned out that police sergeant Oleg Popov could not read ...

A meaningful sentence in Russian of six words, five of which are verbs: "It's time to get up to stand up to go buy a drink."

A man passes an exam in the traffic police. The Gibedadashnik asks him: - What is this sign where the cow is drawn inside the triangle? “Well, what a cattle on the road!” “Well, and where is it installed?” - Well, where where: one hundred two hundred meters from the traffic police post ...

From a textbook on basic military training: "With the advent of the first aircraft, there was a need for their destruction."

Wife - to her husband: - If you only knew how I want black caviar! - So buy a can of squash ... From above it is always black!

From life. Crowded trolley. A female conductor walks along the trolleybus and shouts: “Citizens are passengers - we get travel documents, we don’t wait until I pat everyone on the shoulder with my hand, because my hands are DIRTY!

Everything is relative ... But the bath sheet believes that this person stuck to it ...

Recently, Michael Jackson pleaded guilty, and now seeks to be imprisoned in a juvenile colony.

The firefighter says: "I’m not a timid person, but when near the mug itself: flame, sparks, smoke - I’m still afraid, therefore I don’t smoke."

The news is about a flower exhibition. There is also a fashion show with decoration of clothes from all kinds of flowers and grass blades. And at the end, the correspondent gives out the phrase: - The main thing in understanding beauty and harmony in this world is a magnificent combination of grass and paper.

- Want to have a beautiful slim figure in the spring? - But what about the spring - in the old days, I managed to fuck two excellent, beautiful, slender figures at once in one evening.

Three women neighbors gathered somehow. - Oh, that plumber! Says the youngest. - Just open the door for him - immediately drags you to bed! “What are you,” objected the second, the older. “He is only fit for something after a glass of vodka.” - Not true! - said the third neighbor, a pensioner with experience. - Our plumber is a very polite and delicate person, he doesn’t allow anything like that! Maybe different plumbers go to them?

- What will Vasya give? - Come on the crystal ashtray! - He does not smoke! - Come on crocodile pants, a monkey jacket, a parrot frill and ... - And you do not smoke!

- Dad, tell a fairy tale, but not this short one - "Fuck you, you moron!" ...

Advertising. The Wolf wanted to eat Little Red Riding Hood - but changed his mind ... Durex condoms - the kindest fairy tale!

A sociological survey of Moscow residents gave an interesting result. Our compatriots have never been so unanimous in their opinion! To the question: “How would you briefly describe the work of our outstanding contemporary Zurab Tsereteli?”, All respondents answered very briefly and concisely, keeping within just one capacious word: “Zaebal”.

Announcement: We make all garbage out of the customer’s material.

There are two friends who have not seen each other for a long time: - How are you? - Yes, tired of everything! I recently bought a Subaru, so nowhere I can’t find the 20th wheels on it, I went around all the shops, climbed all the sites - no, that's all! The wife in the boutique looked after a fur coat for 150 pieces, well, I gave her in plain sight - so these bastards made her a 3% discount, count up. Frozen !!! How about you? - And I ... Yes, you fuck you !!!

From life. At one wedding, there was such a contest: about 15 pieces of paper were cut out of paper - and the groom had to step on each and give a compliment to his ... er ... wife. 1st: - Sweetheart ... 2nd: - Beloved ... 3rd: - Beauty ... 4th: - The sun ... 5th: Then he slips and falls shouting: - FUCKING !!!

A girl gives a guy a blowjob ... He wriggles, groans in an orgasm, cums. Girl, swallowing: - Petya, is it not Mirgorodska?

A car stops next to the confusion, the driver sticks out and asks: - How much? - 1500 rubles. - Oh, and I only have 100 with me! Let me give you 100 rubles and my mobile? Looking at the cellphone, the confused agrees. Having received what he wanted, the driver gives her 100 rubles and is going to leave. Putana: - Hey, and mobile? !! - Oh yes, I almost forgot - write down!

I was once asked during sex - can I bark like a dog? I replied: “I know how and what?” ... To which they told me that there was no need to bark, but the tail should be wagged more quickly ..

A romantic, a fatalist and a pragmatist are talking ... Romantic, dreamily: - Where does childhood go? Fatalist: - In the pussy !!! Pragmatist: - Rude, but true ...

Two hard workers are sitting in the lobby of a large office, have been having a smoke for an hour ... A man in a suit approaches them: - Why don't you work? They told him: - Who are you ?! - I am the TOP MANAGER of this company! - Top manager? Well, stomp fuck from here!

A man on Saturday got worse hemorrhoids. He wanted to go to the doctor, but he did not accept on weekends. And the pain is such that there is no strength to endure - but, fortunately, one acquaintance recommended lubricating this place with coffee grounds, and after that the pain really subsided for a while. Having reached this way until Monday, a man goes to the doctor, who says to him: - Take off your pants, now we'll see. A man takes off his pants, the doctor looks and is silent for a long time. Finally, the man does not stand up and asks: - Well, what is it, doctor, something serious? - Well well. I see major changes in life, a long journey, a breech house ...