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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

A prostitute with Tverskaya comes to the gynecologist, complains of all sorts of disorders. Doctor: - Yes, you have a problem. Do you lose a lot during your period? - Of course, a lot! Think about two bucks somewhere.
- You see, so you can lose your eyes! - I do not see!
The director tells the author of the script: - I liked the script, you just need to simplify some dialogs so that any idiot could understand. - Good. Which places are incomprehensible to you?
Boris Moiseev was not accepted into the party? Women of Russia? due to immoral behavior. It turned out that, compared to other women, he had too many men.
- Mom, the guys called me a sucker in the yard! - Well, what are you, son! What are you sucker? - In the yard they say that specific!
A pretty Russian woman is walking in Tbilisi, looking at the map. Passing by one Georgian, he asks: - How to get to Shota Rustaveli Street? Gruzin: - Wai, why are you asking like that, huh? Let’s come to me as a lady, sit down at the table, boil some wine, put a bite on the tongue, talk, I’ll draw you a diagram ... Woman (interrupting): - Stop! According to this scheme, today I have already been two times.
“If each of you persuades at least 5 people to quit drugs in a week, we will let you go.” A week later, one drug addict reports: - I recruited 10 people. - How? - I used the circle method. I drew a large circle, and next to a small one I said: the first circle is your brain before using drugs, and the second after. Second drug addict: - I recruited 175 people - Oh well! And How? - I also used the circle method. Only I said that the small circle is your hole in the ass before the prison, and the large - after.
Three stages of intoxication: 1. The tongue is unleashed. 2. Hands are untied. 3. And then, as luck would have it, the laces are untied. One day a general arrived with a check in a remote military unit in Central Asia. He examined everything, and then he said: “Everything is fine here with you, but there is a lot of tension with the women ... Not order ...” “We have it,” they answer him, “there is a camel in the barn, partly.” The general went there ... And after a while all so pleased comes out, fastening his fly. - Yes, you came up with a camel wonderfully !!! “That's right, Comrade General!” We ride it to the girls in a neighboring village!
Never hit a recumbent, because he can get up.
The last words of the recruit with a combat grenade: - How many, you say, should I count?
On the parade ground. - Platoon, peacefully! Private Petrov! - I! - Fail at 10 steps! - There is! .. Comrade Lieutenant, do not go further - the wall .. - And then do not. Platoon, aim! ..
One lady tells the gentleman about her first husband: - I met him at 20, and left him at 23. - Yes, I think that three hours is enough.
Two drug addicts are sitting in the apartment and smoking. Suddenly - a call to the door. One says to the other: “Vasya, go and see who is there.” He went to the door, looked through the peephole and shouted to his friend: - To sing, there are some two men and two women. Petya: - E%, open - this is ABBA.
- Excuse me, girl, do you happen to know what virgins eat for breakfast? - No idea. - I thought so!
A boy comes into a toy store, hands a saleswoman a banknote from the game "Monopoly" and says: - Give me a plush tiger, please. - Boy, this money is not real. “So the tiger is also fake!”
Husband and wife sunbathe on the beach. Suddenly, the husband asks: - Honey, what is the name of the little furry creature with 32 legs and with a red skin? - I don’t know, I don’t like riddles. And what is it? - I don’t know either, but now I’ll try to shake it from you ...
Two soldiers were sent to the kindergarten to repair the electrical wiring, after which the kids began to swear obscenely. The manager goes to complain to the lieutenant. He calls both soldiers. - Expressed themselves? “Not at all, comrade lieutenant.” Private Sidorov soldered wires, I kept a stepladder at the bottom. Then the molten tin began to drip onto my head. - What about you? - And I say: Private Sidorov, do me a favor, do not drip, please, molten tin on your head.
There is a draft commission. Two twins undergo a physical examination. The first one leaves the office, the second asks: - Well, what have you taken? - No, they commented. - Marry me again, otherwise I don’t want to undress. A few minutes later, he comes out and says: - They took you.
“What happens if I walk down the street naked?” - It will be regarded as petty hooliganism. - And if hooliganism is not petty?
- Oh, girls, and I am so complex about my appearance! - Come on! Take an example from me! For example, I am not at all complex about your appearance!
“Sorry, sir, but I can't let you in the casino!” You are without a tie! - So what?! But this one is generally naked! - Yes, sir! But he goes out ..
- Mom, Sergei made an offer to me! - True? And what did you answer? - Do not know yet. He offers a choice: either at his home or in nature?
Husband and wife sit at the table and reason: - So you get 500 bucks a month, me? 300, we give vodka bottles for 200. Where do we get the money?
Two friends meet. One asks the other: - After sex, are you talking to your wife? - Well, if he calls ...
- When's your birthday? - October 5th. - What year? - Everyone.
- What is the difference between cheating on her husband and cheating a tax inspector? - If you deceive the tax inspector, he will not lose the desire to get you.
The artist draws a nude model. He finishes the drawing and tells her: - Let's go have a drink of coffee. The model puts on a dressing gown, they go to the kitchen, put down coffee, and then they hear - the key is turned in the lock. - Oh, - the artist says, - This wife returned ... Quickly undress !!!
In the lesson, the teacher asks: - What excites a person most of all? - The body of a naked woman! - answers Vovochka, sitting on the first desk. - Get out of class! And bring your father! The next day, Vovochka came alone and sat down at the last desk. “Why didn't you bring your father?” Why did you sit down at the last desk? asks the teacher. - Dad said that if a naked woman does not excite you, then you are a fagot, and you need to stay away from you.
- Dear, do you have a coffee in the bed? - No! Best of the cup.
A restaurant visitor turns to the waiter: - Do you have something to eat? - I can offer a copper wire.
The man ended in worms. What to do? I found a sliver and wrote on it: - A red worm. Just abandoned the fishing rod - right there bite. A man pulls, drags ... Looks, and this is nonsense. And it says: - Awesome bream.
- How many new Russians are required to screw in a light bulb? - One. He climbs himself on the table, twists himself and slazes himself ... And then he wakes up with a cry. - How many psychos do you need to screw in a light bulb? - Two. One screw the bulb, and the second is the bulb.
At the appointment with the surgeon (formerly a veterinarian): - What bothers you? “You see, doctor, I have hemorrhoids.” - Well, let's see. Spread your hind legs and raise your tail ...
Question in the questionnaire before the operation: - Who should I call in case of emergency? Answer: - To a more qualified surgeon.
In the morning I do not have breakfast, because thinking of you. In the afternoon I do not have lunch - I think of you. I don’t have dinner in the evening - I think of you. I don’t sleep at night - I WANT TO EAT !!! Smile happy
At the pediatrician's reception: “Well, sir, what's our name?” - Vasya. - Uh, what are we, Vasya ... And how old are we? - In the fall there will be six !! - Ooh, what optimists we are !!
The husband returns home earlier than usual. My wife has a lover. The wife runs out to meet her husband with a bin: - My dear, before undressing, please take out the garbage. While the husband takes out the garbage, the lover runs up the stairs to the upper floor, then safely leaves unnoticed. He goes and thinks: what a clever one! Comes to his home. His wife meets him with a bin: - Dear, until you undress, please throw out the garbage. The husband takes out the garbage and thinks: - Well, what a fool - all day at home, and there is no time to throw out the garbage!
Manya and Vanya are house painters. They paint the wall of a high-rise building at the level of the 10th floor. Suddenly, Vania was impatient in a small way. - Hey, Man! Can `t stand! - And you come straight from the cradle! - Yes, you sho! There are people down there! - And you get stronger, just get into the fountain! - Yes, I'm on a ** rush! - Not at all! I will keep you! - Strong? - Strong! Come on! Well, Vanya stood on the edge of the cradle, Manya holds him from the back by the belt, and he bent forward very much and eased right into the pool. Beauty! And then Mane began to sneeze! Kaak sneezes and ... released Vanya, and he went down like a culp with shit ..... Several months passed. And in the same American bar three women sit and talk, where the men are the most willing women. First: - I was in Paris just recently, so these Frenchmen did not give me the passage. Everyone strove to bed drag! This is in their order of things! Second: - Her, the most eager are the Mexicans. I was there recently. They are all so sweaty, hairy there! Straight eyes undress! Cum rushing out of my ears! Third: - All this is nonsense! The wildest men in Russia! Come on! I was in Moscow a couple of months ago. I walk down the street past the fountain. Suddenly I hear a sound from above. I raise my head and see: a guy is flying at me! Shirinka is unbuttoned, and he holds on to his penis and yells: - P I - And - I% D A - A - A !!! ...
One of the two eternal Russian problems can, in principle, be solved with the help of pavers and compactors. But with the roads, of course, it will be more difficult.
Mother approaches her son and says: - Vasya, you have 10 rubles on you, take our pig to the boar, you should make an offspring! Vasya got ready, got on a motorcycle, put a pig in a cradle, put a helmet on her and drove off. He rides past the forest and thinks: “What am I going to take the pig to the boar? I will take it myself in the forest and drink 10 rubles!” So did. The next day the situation repeats. Mother asks to take the pig to the boar, for sure! Vasya gathered again, put the pig next to him in the cradle, put on his helmet, and drove past the scilla. He again fucked the pig, but drank the money. On the third day, the mother says to her son: - Vasya, I don’t know where you took our pig, but she is already sitting on the motorcycle and wearing a helmet !!!
At the reception, the wife of her husband: - Shame on you! You’ve already run ten times with a plate for food! Not ashamed?! “No, I said it was for you.”
These rates are set for visitors who want the bartender to answer phone calls from their wives: 100 r. - "He just left"; 200 p. - "He did not come today"; 300 p. - "I have not seen him for several days"; 500 p. - "And who is it?"
The new yogurt from Danone "Ukrainian" - now with pieces of bacon!
New dean’s share. Collect three tails and you can exchange them for free with new tarpaulin boots for free.
Military unit? ... Smoking room. 4 lieutenants are sitting. One offers to go to the unit commander to ask for a vacation. They got up and went. The first comes to the commander: - Comrades Colonel, Lieutenant Pupkin. Allow on vacation. - What! On vacation, you say? Let's rationalize rationalization proposal) - go on vacation! - Easy! You’re mowing grass under the window of a soldier. Che is he scytheing in one direction? Let's tie the second braid to him, let him mow left and right! - Well done! On vacation! The second comes in: ... - Let's make a rational offer ... - Easy! You’re mowing grass under the window of a soldier. Che is he scytheing back and forth? Let's tie the pitchfork to the braid, let it pile up right away! - Well done! On vacation! The third comes in: ... - Let's make a rational offer ... - Easy! You’re mowing grass under the window of a soldier. Che he waved back and forth, piles grass in piles? Let's tie a trolley to him, let him take him right away! - Well done! On vacation! The fourth comes in: ... - Let’s make a rational proposal ... - I don’t know. - Well-oo-oo-oo ... So go think. Come up with it! It turns out the lieutenant on the porch, lights up nervously, is "turnip wrinkles." And then this soldier approaches him. With this crap in his hands with a trolley tied up, all sweaty, exhausted. And so viciously, he asks the lieutenant: “Che, comrade lieutenant, do you want to go on vacation ?!” - Yes ... - B ... b, you can’t come up with a rational proposal ?! - Yes ... - B ... b, HEADLIGHT TO ME ON THE FOREER !!! HEADLIGHT !!! TO Mow at night !!!
A man comes to the pharmacy: - Girl, give a liter of medical alcohol. - Do you have a recipe? (suspiciously so) - Eh, there would be a recipe, I would have made it myself ...
The husband shaves in front of the mirror and says to his blonde wife: - Something my razor does not shave !! Wife: - It's strange, but she cut linoleum well ...
A call from the party committee to the church: - Father, help me with chairs, tomorrow the party meeting - nowhere to put people. - I'm not giving it! Last time gave. All the backs swore with swear words! - Ahhhhh! Do not give chairs - we will not give pioneers to the church choir. - Do not give the pioneers to the church choir - I will not give the monks for the cleanup. - Do not give the monks to the subbotnik - FIG you, not Komsomol members to the procession. - There will be no Komsomol members at the procession - there will be no nuns in the sauna for you !!! - But for such words, father, you can put a party card on the table !!!
Three men are arguing about whose profession is ancient. Builder: - Yes, our profession is the oldest. We still built the Egyptian pyramids. Gardener: - Yes, where are you going? Our experts still planted the Garden of Eden. Electrician: - What are you all arguing about? Even before God said, “Let there be light,” we already had all the wiring laid.
No matter what you are looking for on the Internet, at least one porn site will match your search criteria.
One therapist is 1,024 gigapevta, or 1,048,576 megapevt!
A group of tourists is in the Ussuri taiga. Suddenly a tiger jumps out of the thicket. - No panic, the tiger is full! - states the conductor. One of the tourists: - Damn, I also pissed.
The brother-in-law comes into the room and sees the mother-in-law with a broom standing there, he asks her: - Mom, have you started cleaning or are you going to?
“Comrade Major, what should I do if I suddenly step on a mine?” “Standard procedure, lieutenant.” You have to jump up 30 meters and spread over a wide area.
D`Artagnan left Paris for pendants, but in the outskirts of his horse burned by the Arabs.
- Muhammad, they are calling from a Renault company. They ask not to stop our actions, they promise 100 francs for each burned car. - We are honest people! Reject their offer, but let us know that we are ready to return to it as soon as our exclusive contract with Citroën ends.
Party at the hut. DJ on vinyls. Ecstasy Cocaine with a credit card. Someone swallows stamps. Someone fucked aids. Complete chaos, in short. Doorbell. They open it - on the threshold of a grandfather with a bag of grass behind his back: - I heard you are being poisoned with all kinds of chemistry here?
The penguin living in the apartment made it very difficult for everyone to sleep at night, spanking the rooms. Especially for him, a couple of house slippers were nailed to the floor in different angles, he got into them at night and stood sadly until the morning ...
husband and wife watch a horror movie. Horror appears on the screen. Wife: -Oh mom ... Husband: -Mother-in-law? Looks like ...
One Georgian phone calls his brother and hears: - Givi, we had a misfortune yesterday ... Yesterday our father climbed a tree to pick apples ... - Well? .. - Givi, a terrible thing happened ... - ??? - He fell from this damn apple tree, Givi! .. (pause) In general, Givi, we lost our father ... A long silence at both ends of the wire. Then, Givi, realizing: - Listen, Vakhtang, but did you look under the tree ???
A call from the police station to the Russian Embassy: - Isn't it your person sleeping on a park bench without documents? - Is he sober? - Not! Nearby is a bottle! - Finished? - Unfinished! - This is not our man!
University Reading room. Session. Full of people getting ready. Another student approaches one student: - Listen! Yes, you hold the book upside down! - And you, Freud or what? - What does Freud have to do with it? - This is a book! What are her legs ?! You still say that I look between the pages of her ...
The newlywed in tears calls her mother: -We have a family scene played out here! Horror! - Calmly, daughter, do not be upset. In every family, the first conflicts arise. -Yes, I know it. And what to do with a corpse?
The husband arrived from a business trip a day earlier. He feels that someone was at home with his wife. He turned the whole house upside down; he cannot find it. Looks under the bed, sees, there a naked man sits and hands him $ 100. The husband takes the money and says: “It's strange, and here he is not.”
New slogans for the host program "Weak Link" - Who did not study at vocational schools, because they did not pass the competition "2 places per person"? - Who was presented with a puzzle of 4 pieces for 25 years? - Whose mother thought the tummy was from beer? - Who in bowling was grabbed by the head with three fingers and thrown into skittles? - Who dances sober under Serduchka? - Who made the birdhouse out of the guitar and forgot to remove the strings? - Who does the repeated fluorography because he blinked? - Who on April 1 threw himself under the door, rang and ran away, and then returned and burst into tears? - To whom were parents allowed to walk until late, but they themselves moved?
New razor from Gilette: the 1st blade shaves cleanly, the 2nd is even cleaner ... 27 gently polishes the bones.
- Mom, but Mom !!! Why is our dad sitting under the bed? - Quiet, baby! Dad is the boss in the house - wherever he wants, there he sits !!
I walk down the street - the weather is wonderful, the mood is just great. Oh god Make everyone around you have the same good mood !!! Slipping, falling into a puddle. Everyone around is happy, laughing, scum ... !!!
Once, one little girl went into the woods in a severe frost and got lost. But this Christmas story, like everyone else, ended well: no one noticed the girl’s loss - and the celebration continued!
Then he wanted to smell the flame from the lighter. It turns out that it smells of burnt nose hair.
A patient with a doctor: - Doctor, lately I can’t tell where I am, in real life or on the Internet ... The doctor tilts his head to the side, smiles and says: - Gee-gee-gee, x @ yas!
A sad man comes into the store: - Hello, do you remember me? I bought balls from you yesterday. - I find out. Do you have more balls? - Not. I am complaining to you - they are defective. - What's the matter - do not hold the air? “No, that's all right.” - And then what? - They do not please me ...
In the VII volume of the work of Yu. Semenov "17 Moments of Spring" a typo crept in. In the encryption on page 537, the 7th line is supery, instead of 6354 8923 9047, you should read 6354 8923 9048. The editors apologize.
From a conversation between two surgeons: - Well, how was the operation? - Yes, bullshit ... Boring with anesthesia ...
Yesterday, 98-year-old Russian philosopher A. Sidorov was awarded the Nobel Prize for his 50-volume work: “What does a woman need?”
The inscription on the bottle - "Add to Favorites" The inscription on the glass - "Make it home
Meet a good and beautiful girl ... tired of fucking evil and scary.
- Will you drink? - Nope. “What if I run away?”
If we consider the population according to the statements of mobile operators about the number of subscribers, then soon we will overtake China in terms of population!
Judging by the jokes, in Georgian baths all soap dishes are screwed to the floor. The user's hands entered an idiotic team and will be amputated
Petty Officer bypasses the system of recruits. - So, what is your education? - Seven classes! - Good! - By you? - MSU! - Why do you know how to mumble?
- It’s bad to drink vodka in the cold. - Why bad? - The bottle is knocking on the teeth.
Darth Vader has everything in the table. Maps of different galaxies and a portrait of Gagarin.
Valentine's Day ... What only lovers will not do for each other ... But everything breaks up into a gross reality: "Well, I won’t give a damn!"
If you find it difficult to gnaw at the granite of science, try sucking.
The limit of selfishness: at the time of orgasm, shout out your own name.
What a sober girl has in mind is that of a drunk in her mouth.
Dear mother-in-law, I congratulate you on Halloween, your professional holiday!
A poll "How Muscovites Relate to Visitors" was conducted on Moscow streets. The answers were approximately as follows: 40% replied: "of course let them come to our capital"; 40% replied: "Listen to us what a difference"; 20% replied: "I don? T know!"
A couple after sex: - Well, here you and I are finished people. . .
Yesterday, a Russian language teacher was detained while intoxicated by the Wallpaper store. She tried to fix the store’s sign on “Both”. The girl in the store: - Please give me one brush, one yogurt, one bun and one coffee seller: - You probably live alone? - How did you guess? - Yes, you bl @ t terrible shop @ sdets !!
- Girl, you understand, I don’t offer every girl .. - Yes, you young man, don’t be upset, I don’t refuse everyone, either.
There is a drunk in the woods. Hears a cuckoo. -Cuckoo, cuckoo how old am I left to live? -Uk-Uk. -What does it mean? - You bastard, you lived two extra years.
- Why are you going so sad? - Wife proe ... - How proe ..? In what sense do ...? - How, how, through and through ...
Let the snot ring in the nose ring, But still I feel the fifth point, That the night will be shorter than the day, Spring will come, the buds will swell - And the girls will undress, beckoning, Tights will be replaced with stockings, And again they will delight me with bracelets tricky locks ...
- Dad, is there a beer? - No, son, drink it.
Interestingly, and in the name of the POP3 mail protocol, is the triple a digit, or a smiley-synonym for the first three letters?
“And my dog ​​left home yesterday.” - Where to? - I gave her the command to "serve", and she put on her helmet and went into the army.
- Mom, look, I'm strong as dad - I also broke the pitchfork! :) - b @ i, another mud @ k is growing :( (
Today at the pharmacy: Gel-lubricant for anal sex "Johnson and Johnson"
Drop the vodka on the floor. Vasya’s hands were torn off ...
The laws of corporate booze 1. If the organizer of the booze calls the time period for the start of the booze, then everyone will arrive at the very latest. 2. The organizer of the booze is sure to be late for her. 3. Corporate booze must end in the wrong place where it started. 4. On any booze there is sure to be someone who wants to give in the face so that he finally calms down. 5. There will certainly be a person who will brazenly solicit the attention of the Chief Executive himself. 6. If a person begins to talk about work while drunk, then he is the most drunk. 7. If they enter into a discussion with him, it means that very soon the Chief Executive will leave. 8. And here the real separation begins. 9. After drinking, at least two of those present will try to have sex. 10. The hangover and being late the next day is forgiven only to the organizers of the booze
Phone call to provider: - I have a problem again. “What, you can't come in?” - I managed to enter, but she doesn’t want to suck! - Hm. We are not to blame - we have a wide channel ... - And where is the channel ?! Who am I talking to? Is this a helpline?
Granny comes to the doctor for an examination. The doctor examined her and says: - Something is weak in your heart ... You know what, don’t go home through the stairs for now. After a month, the granny undergoes a second examination. Doctor: - Well! heart has grown stronger, you can go home again in the stairs! - Well, finally, otherwise it’s nice for @ # @ to climb through the sewer into a window!
Two people are walking late at night in the city, tired of no effort to go. One to the other: - And there’s a bus fleet. Let me climb in and hijack a bus, and you wait a minute on a skater. And then we get to the house. No sooner said than done. The first climbed into the park, the second is waiting, but there is no buddy. I decided to see what was the reason for the delay. I went inside, and there Kent rushing between the buses. - What are you doing? - I can’t find the fifth route! - Fool, steal the sixteenth, we will reach the market, and there are only two stops on foot!
There are two prostitutes and a hockey player. First prostitute: - The worst thing in our work is abortion. The second agrees: - Yes, abortion is bad. Hockey player (thoughtfully): - Yes, about the board ... and another club on the turnip.
There is a man throwing garbage, he sees - a woman is lying. A man to her: - Well, count to three - 1, 2, 3 - And now back - 3, 2, 1 A man scratches a turnip: - Strange, someone threw such a good and not stupid woman ...
A man is walking through the woods. Daty. Suddenly an elk runs at him and knocks a man down to the ground. Just rise - the bear runs after the elk, knocks down the man again and, without even noticing it, runs further. Already an angry man jerks up and sees how a hare rushes over him. A man begins to smile gloatingly ... After a second he is on the ground, and the hare runs away. And then a voice comes from heaven: - Man, but man! You would move away from the carousel ...
Hostel. One student approaches another: - Vasya, you know what is the difference between a curtain and toilet paper? - No ... - So it's you, INFECT !!! Three Jews are talking: - When I die, I would like to lie next to Moses Solomonovich. - Why? - Worthy was a man! - And I would like to lie next to Abram Markovich, a very worthy person! - And I would like to lie next to Rosa Moiseevna. “Listen, but is she still alive !?” - Here!
Father and son went fishing. Sat down cast fishing rods, sit, no biting. - Son, there the mother of pearl barley has cooked, throw into the water, the nibble will begin. - Folder, and I ate all the pearl barley. What to do? - Come on, that's okay. Son, there mom fried potatoes, so you throw it into the water, the zhor will begin. - I ate a potato folder. What to do? - Come on, that's okay. There, my mother made sandwiches, you can eat sausage, and bread in water. In half an hour the fish will come up, the nibble will be excellent. - Folder, I ate all the sandwiches. What to do? - What to do, what to do, eat up the worms and go home !!!
Voentur offers: Unique tours of Europe on the T-72 tank! Warsaw, Berlin, Prague. Rest near the best hotels. You pay only for diesel fuel. Departure - as the battalions are staffed.
Evening in the village. A couple is sitting on the rubble. He smokes a cigarette. She nibbles the seeds. Complete silence. An hour passes. She: - Well, I kinda go? He: - Sit. Another hour passes. She: - Well, I kinda go? He: - Sit. Another hour passes. She silently gets up and leaves. He (putting out a cigarette): - Hmm ... I didn’t.
Sitting addict in the park on a bench. A small, cheerful girl cuts circles around him. She sings a song and on each circle presses on the nose of the addict, while bringing out a loud: - Pi-and-and-and-and-ip! It turns out something like this: - La-la-la-la-la-la-la-PIIIIIP! Finally, the girl runs away and the narik is left alone. Slowly raising his hand, he tries to press his nose several times and, not hearing the usual "Pee-and-and-and-and-ip", he says in his hearts:
“Can you help me?” - What's the problem? - I have the text here in .txt format, but I need to - in .doc format ... How to do this? - The format is different, say? Then write - form, space ... Do you have a text where? On Tse? So write - Tse, colon and Enter! “Will it help?” - The most powerful tool ...
- Once I dreamed about the East, I wanted to learn religion, studied philosophy, read books, but then they poured Lipton tea ... and they let me go.
Sitting chatting pop and deacon. Deacon- "Here’s father, what they’ve lived to ... I’m walking yesterday in the park, and young people in broad daylight are debauchery. Guys with girls hug, kiss, squeeze ..." Pop- "Well, that’s not right. My son ... Here I go the other day in the train, went into the vestibule with a smoke, and there .... The male put the female in the lowest bow and REVESTED. And then she pulled out her harlot and wiped it on my cassock with these words- "It’s a sin to smoke the Holy Father in the vestibule .. . "
Vano! What did you see in Moscow? - Wah! I went to the ballet! - Ballet? How is it? - Ah, this is a bald room, Ludei - the sea! The curtain rises - naked women run out of mail: they ran there - no men! We ran here - net men! A naked man runs out of mail - picked up one woman, sniffed - not his woman! He picked up another, sniffed - not his woman! Picked up another, sniffed - his woman !!! He grabbed it, carried it into a corner - net places! Carried to another - net places! Here the curtain drops, and he still can’t find the mest. Got it all! People already began to shout to him - "Ebis! Ebis !!!"
A true American is proud of his homeland of the United States, which defeated Hitler in the Vietnam War in Chechnya!
Perestroika line to the store. A skinny intellectual in glasses is waiting in line. A hefty bugger is pushed through the queue with shouts: - Skip the disabled person, b ## q! Yes, I'm premature! I was born seven months old !!! Miss a disabled person !!! Intilligent (wiping his glasses): - Comrades, I think that I will not be mistaken, expressing a common opinion - to send a comrade to n ## do for another two months.
The Great Patriotic War. There is a battle. The Russians are defeated. Three people remained in the trench. Two straight and gay. There is no ammunition either, only the gay has a grenade. They sit, praying for what will carry ... and see a German tank approaching them. Straight to a gay man: - Throw a grenade, blow up a tank and everything will be ok ... Gay: - What are you ... boys there! ... Some time passes. The tank is getting closer ... Straight to a gay: - Throw a grenade, then it will be too late. Gay: - What are you, there are boys !!! ... The tank pulls up almost to the trench itself ... Straights: - Throw a grenade ... otherwise you and the boys will not be ... At this time, the tank stops , the manhole cover leans back and Fritz crawls out: - Ma-alchiki, step back ... or else ass-a-avlu!
- Tell me, buddy, is there friendship between men? - Well, at first it happens ... But then nature still takes its toll!
The country girl got married, left for Moscow. Writes a letter home:
"Hello, mom and dad! Well, I live well, I'm happy with everything! My husband is just a giant of sex - he puts me on the bed, climbs me on the closet, jumps on top and hits the spot!"
Two weeks later he receives a telegram: "COME ZTT FEMALE ZSTA FATHER BROKEN POINT."
- Lenka, how do you like your new boyfriend?
- Oh, some kind of lethargic, as if he was raised in a greenhouse!
- I mean - is the cucumber so-so?
- Why is a man, unlike a woman, often shows his true desires?
- Because it has no others.
The husband comes home, hears - Indian music is playing in the apartment, sandalwood sticks are burning, and his wife is meditating in the lotus position on the carpet ...
- What the hell ?!
- Yes, here I am going to Tibet ...
- Fuck, it would be better if you ever gathered for a blowjob!
My husband's wife sent to buy a gasket store. A peasant in a bummer, it’s cold outside, and ashamed - but you have to go ... He enters the department of hygiene products - and there are only a hundred women and gaskets in a window of types ... He was even more confused ...
Then the department manager noticed the poor fellow - and let's ask him out loud:
“Why do you need gaskets?” For every day, or intense, classic or tanga, white or black ... etc.
People in the store begin to look around, smile maliciously.
- Man - why are you silent, so why do you need gaskets ?!
A man could not stand it and howl he’ll yell at the whole store:
- For PUSSA I need gaskets, for P-I-Z-D-S !!!!
Then he thought and added:
- WARM !!!