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My Blog: jokes funny jokes


R / A / F
One of my acquaintances, being a student, moonlighted teaching the work on the PC of students of some advanced training courses. And at one of them DOS issued R / A / F. Pasha, not thinking anything wrong, said: - You need to have an abortion. Silent scene. A comment from another friend of mine: - She must have thought: how does he know?
All is well, but in moderation
When I was a graduate student, my bat had to practice at a Moscow research institute. And, in the same laboratory, a student from a "friendly socialist country" was practicing. So ... Once the head. lab., arriving from a business trip, brought a five-liter jar with black caviar - a gift of local workers. And, as usual, an improvised table was organized on arrival, right in the laboratory, and caviar, for convenience of use, was transferred to a small basin-he dabbled with a spoon and ate the order. As long as the point is, we drink, eat, bazaar about how the business trip was successful, like life far from the capital, etc., this pretzel from the socialist country does not touch alcohol, no matter how it is proposed (the man himself is his master - you want drink, if you want - no), but everything is laid on caviar and spoons into her mouth. It is understandable - a man has never seen black caviar in such quantities in his life, and here you have a basin and a spoon. In general, about two hours later all the happy and slightly podkoselivye began to diverge. And the next day look - the intern from the socialist camp at work and no. In the second half of the day they began to worry, and there is nowhere to call - there is no telephone in the hostel. And the next day the pretzel does not appear either. As it later turned out, the guy was lying in his room for three days with a wild pain in his stomach and the only way he moved around short distances was only to the toilet - a whole caviar caviar (which is almost pure protein) made itself felt. On this example I want to note that everything is fine, but in moderation.

Panties and clocks
It was, it was at an old age, not now, I was young then, but I lived apart from my parents. I was an athlete and always traveled somewhere to other cities, but the story is not about that. The story of how I once returned.
I arrived early in the morning, I arrived not at home, but at 5 o'clock in the parents' house, and at 8 o'clock to work, the folder left for my job, my mother was still at home, running around in the night at home, fussing, eating, to change. And I'm dirty, dirty, I'm in a bath faster - to wash, shave, change clothes and run away. And so I go out of the bath, all so clean, no more grimy, and find that on the trip I spent all my stock of clean ones, well, with whom I have not been ... panties. And since I do not live with my parents, then my pants are not there either. I find a way out - to ask to borrow from my father.
A small retreat - 5 am, that I that the mother is not quite so sleepy - half asleep. I'm my mother and I say - Mom, but give me some folders. TROUSES This is the key point. the mother heard everything, but instead of the word cowards, she heard the word WATCH. Next dialog:
- Yes, he does not have anything.
- How not?
- Well, there is no, BROKEN everything.
- What ?!
- Well, it's so, it's always breaking!
Sleepy, I can not understand how he managed to BREAK them, and EVERYTHING.
- Mom, give me any folders panties clean!
- Yes, no, why are you soaring! HIMS MY!
Stupor is full, then you still need to know that my mother - not inchvochka well, fantasy draws pictures ...
- Yes, what do you - I have a lot of them, there, take any, put it in the KAMASHEK and go!
Pause:
- NOBODY AND DOES NOT SEE THAT THEY ARE WOMEN!
Why do I Mamkina panties in my pocket, I could not fully understand the head ... Therefore, then finally the question followed - what are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
Understood and so Rzali, as probably never in my life with my mother did not laugh ...

Missing Rights
I'm going from Berdsk, home to my native Novosib, I smoke, I listen to music, they stop me on a lousy hill, I do not care, all the documents are in order, my mood is good, I go out-I say to the messenger:
- TRANSLATION!
I start to get documents. Power of attorney, certificate of registration of vehicles, insurance .... RIGHTS. Wait, where are they? Pass through the pockets, the second pass, more convulsive ... No. The brain tries to remember, but it does not work. WHERE? Milzoner rejoices, but as always does not show it, sighs, shifts from foot to foot. I dial my wife, I ask her if she sees the rights on the table, she says that she does not, AND REMEMBER, a couple of days ago went to the skating rink, rented skates, left the pledge of the right-he did not take it.
Next, as always, the parking lot, fine, shcha go, your suggestions, 200, the protocol in hand, mnem piece of paper, 400, UUUU, nuuuu, 500. OK!
In the morning - to the skating rink, there are no aunts from the hire, there is an uncle, I got a problem, I told him that he skated for 500 rubles, he laughed. They found the keys, looked for it - no, he calls the aunt from the rental office, she says that she has not seen any rights in the eyes, I'm asking the key question: - Where do you usually put the pledge, in your desk or in a bag with shoes?
Answer:
- No, not in the package, we put it directly in the shoes ...
Secondary delay ... I take off my right shoe. The uncle's eyes are so big (he did not hear what she told me on the phone). I take out of the boot right ... OUT!
Gentlemen of motorists REMEMBER that the lost rights must not only pockets fumble, they can be in the most interesting places! I stand before this bastard, he breeds me, and the rights - in his shoe ...

Signboards
My husband told me. Once he was looking for some office, it was necessary for work, and therefore paid attention to the signs. And now, there is a building, all signs hung closely to each other. In it there is a wide double door, each of which, apparently, led to its office. Above the left leaf bright letters were written "INTIM". Red in black. Above the right wing modestly adorned the "Lombard".
The general impression is "Intim-pawnshop". I wonder what values ​​can be passed there?

Shedding tram
Most recently I was on a tram. The day was after the holiday of some, I can not remember exactly. We drive and here, passing the turn, the tram brakes sharply. The first door opens and the conductor runs out and then everyone watches the conductor run into the tram car, but with a huge sidewall from the tram. Further all went hardly constraining a smile on the face.

Chinese
Long ago I had a friend with a simple Soviet surname, Silin. And there was a funker named Dima Rychagov.
Imagine - the Soviet era, the Soviet laundry-dry cleaning. Dima Silin gives clothes to dry cleaners.
The receiver asks:
"What is your name?"
Dima Silin clearly, according to syllables:
"Si-lin!"
Leverages, looking out from behind his shoulder:
- Yes, yes, without a hyphen!
The receptionist writes in the form: "Si Lin" Type Chinese person ...

Not entirely useless occupation
One day a friend of mine, who was not a fool at all, got to be taken to the pioneer camp. Day of pioneers built, and in the evening, after the command "release", life began - a lot of vodka, a little snacks and a guitar. These gatherings were usually attended by a certain shepherd, accustomed to collecting glass containers. Well, there, they finished the bottle - and into the bushes. And the sheepdog there also breaks and will bring it in her teeth. It would seem that the occupation is completely stupid and meaningless, but it turned out that not quite. Because once the dog returned not with an empty container, but with a full one. At first, everyone decided that they finally drank to hell. Then a suspicion arose in their drunken brains that they were not going crazy together. A little more time passed, and some bright head finally realized that this full bottle in the bushes was the work of the resourceful pioneers.
PS. Ah, young people ...

Hand Crow
We decided to go to my old people to the dacha. The dacha is located on picturesque meadows in sixty kilometers from St. Petersburg. There are many grenades, mushrooms, shells, birches and shot cartridges. The collection and review of the above and we were engaged in a couple of days. It's time to leave. We drank sour milk, said goodbye to Grandma Grandpa and pushed the peshkarya across the forest to the railway station. Where on the way and saw a crow sitting on a stump. The crow must have been tame and lost its owner. Seeing us, she, joyfully yelling something in her gibberish, long jumps and flights ran to meet. I had to get acquainted with her and exchange a couple of phrases. The crow could say something like the word "m-boych-ch-chik-k-ki" and croaked Morse code. We decided to take it with us. Have put on a shoulder for the lack of a cage. Throughout the trip to St. Petersburg, she constantly rotated her head and, blinking her eyes, pleased the public by cawing two or three times in a row, with an enviable frequency of about once every ten minutes.
She probably shared the bitter experience of living in the forest and transmitted the signals of the exact time. Karkala she pierced and very somehow suddenly, attracting the attention of the entire audience in the car, which caused our modest people to raise interest. Of course, we liked this business, we readily answered questions, talking about the crow all that we only knew-and the fact that she is the only survivor of the drift on the ice of the brave Communist Papanin, and the fact that she saw the rebellion of Spartacus, and that she was a Chevalier of the Order of the Brave Garter ... There was a noise in the train car, a din, a joke, and we really enjoyed the trip to St. Petersburg. Arriving at the station and by the time of landing in the metro, we were already ready to communicate with the audience of any level and tell Voronin's biography in minutes and in the smallest detail. The crow, I must say, was flushed from our participation in it and croaked a doublet every minute, just glowing with the happiness of the newly acquired secular life. However, in the metro with the crows are not allowed, and I had to shove it off the shoulder of my friend. As a result, it became clear why this shitty croak. As shown by the investigative experiment conducted by us, kark twice meant to pee in a small way, and three times - you yourself understand. My friend swore so much that Mount Everest must have shaken with tremendous trembling and mountaineers fell from it. Just as he saw the extent of the jacket's enrichment, he tried to give a stump to a poor animal or at least do something with it. Nothing ridiculous, especially in the form of his back from behind, was not. It was necessary to do something. Recalling all the known ways of catching wild and dangerous animals, we settled on the method of catching snakes. The crow was repressed in a canvas bag, in which our shoes were lying with some clothes. Pokarkav reproachfully something like "Eh, boys, boys ...", she calmed down. The house was not so far away, and the chances of our getting an asshole without further adventures were very real. The subway car met us with bodies and the only free seat where my friend sat down, and I hung, supported by bodies, above his head. After a couple of stops, the train stopped in the tunnel. It was about five minutes. Very, you know, oppressive silence. It seems that everyone wants to fart, but they are very shy, that's all they are waiting for, who will be the first to disgrace themselves.
Meanwhile, my friend, feeling the bag, made a tragic face and kicked me with his foot:
"It does not even stir," he said, "maybe she died?"
"Look," I advised, "only gently. Which he did, slowly opening the bag and putting his hand there.
In response, he heard the piercing Carr Number One. I do not know how it all looked like for St. Petersburg citizens who are in the car, but the silence was just grave.
Nobody expected this and listened furiously.
Carr Number Two followed. And ... Carr Number Three was like the explosion of a gas cylinder in a dairy shop. After the echo announcing the excrement of the proud animal on our sports pants and sneakers, blocking the roar and excitement of the audience, the sonorous voice of my friend sounded with a unperceived longing for lost pants, piercing the whole Order of Lenin Metropolitan, what is urine:
- Pizdets! Vanka !!! B # I !!! She will be happy # # it will be !!! ..
The crow for a long time was flying over a car full of bodies and carcass, fucking, croaking, fucking ... croaking ...

Funky Bulls
There lived with my sister the boules, the kindest soul of dogs, and, that is typical for all kind small creatures, this toothy bench was extremely voracious. Once, the sister made something delicious, fragrant and with a crispy crust, so that the beer was drunk better. We sat at the table, began to drink beer and crackle appetizing. The dogs were sitting under the table and openly drooling (Pavlov's dogs are resting), accompanying this spectacular process with a quiet grunt. But no one paid attention to the dog. A few minutes later, when a decent puddle spread over the floor, the dogs decided to move to the unoccupied stool next to the table. From the new observation post the dogs not only heard, but also saw how something delicious disappears in the insatiable mouths of greedy masters. It is said that buly, like true immigrants, do not differ in emotionality - they are mistaken. The dogs, not stopping to drool and grunt, moved to the table and began to devour a beer snack at an incredible speed. Prigigevshy from such impudence, the sister's husband did not immediately react to the impetuous attack, but, after a short time-out, had a worthy repulse of the insatiable creature - punched a heavy fist between the pig eyes. When the dogs came to his senses from the blow, he did a completely unexpected thing for everyone - GAVE ON THE TABLE !!! Enraged by the swine behavior of the creature, his sister's sisters plunged the dog's face into a fresh pile of feces, accompanying the execution with terrible screams and blows on the muscular dog ass. After a while it was noticed that the dogs stopped grunting and in principle did not give signs of life. Immediately, an early veterinary help was called out, and the dog, meanwhile, was trying to revive with ammonia. Of course, the doctors pumped out the poor animal, but what turned out to be the most interesting, according to their diagnosis, the dog from rude behavior happened - INFARCT!

Deceptive Brake
Was at my friend 401-th Muscovite. 1956, if I'm not mistaken. He was repaired occasionally, if only he went, so he had only the left rear wheel braking, the handbrake did not work at all, and the spring on the gas pedal was very tight.
Since this unit was used only for trips to the dacha, the comrade from the non-working lever of the hand brake made a hand gas lever. The track is long, empty, it's a pleasure: pulled out the lever and you sit your foot on your leg, you poke your finger. That's how we came to the country house, habitually left the car open (well, nobody needs it), went to drink vodka, and drank until they fell. In the morning they discovered the following picture: Moskvich was not there, they were hijacked. It turned out not far. Leaving the village, that moron who stole, decided to slow down, the brake, naturally, did not work. Then he pulled out the handle.
Further it is easy to imagine: we found this village Schumacher in the bushes next to the car, in complete disconnection (from the moonshine and the accident) and with the fundamentally broken about the steering wheel physiognomy. The only thing that my friend and I regretted was that we did not see this type of face expression when the car responded with a significant acceleration to the handbrake.

Ace roads
On the drivers who came to work in Moscow. I myself am a freight forwarder. Salary directly depends on the speed of movement around the city, so the drivers are well aware of all sorts of secret paths to avoid traffic jams at a great price!
Especially appreciated are former taxi drivers who have moved to gazelles.
The machines we have at the company are custom-made, every day new. Here the main thing is not to make a mistake in the morning when choosing the drivers. And this morning. Before the warehouse is a dozen gazelles. Not a single acquaintance.
I fly up to one and the same thing, who worked? He speaks as a taxi driver for 15 years. Well, I think chocolate! I grab him in an armful and boot. After half an hour we leave for the Moscow Ring Road and then my "as expensive" clutching his head and gives out:
- No fuck yourself what MKAD has become.
!!! I'm out! It turned out that he worked as a taxi driver for 15 years in Lipetsk. At home I was at 3 am!

Woodpecker
On Saturday, two well-known men dragged me off to the hunt with me. Type, shoot rabbits. Good men, both Serega, on the hunt and fishing moved. We rode into the Tuva wilderness, around one kilometer away, not a single village, beautiful, skis were fastened on and on, everything was as it should be. We go one after another, I'm the last, we skirting the forest around.
Suddenly, the 1st Serega stops in his tracks. The second sticks his skis in his boots and quietly swears. Then follows a dialogue worthy of the film of some Guy Ritchie:
1st Serega:
- Woodpecker.
2nd Serega (offended):
"You yourself are a woodpecker."
1st:
- No, there, on the tree - a woodpecker.
2nd, after a pause:
- Well, there, on the tree - a woodpecker. What's next?
1st (thoughtfully):
- I need a woodpecker.
2nd (irritated):
- Why are you a woodpecker?
1st:
- My daughter asked, she says - I want a woodpecker in the house.
; "He has a scarecrow at home - 10-20 pieces, animals, and birds." 2nd (sarcastically):
- I could not say that she had a woodpecker for a long time already?
1st (removing the 16th caliber from the shoulder):
- She needs a REAL woodpecker.
BABAH. Duplet, small shot. From the tree a pile of snow is being struck, on this background the unharmed woodpecker hurries to retire.
1st:
- ####### !!!
Then suddenly ahead of meters through 300 from a wood with a crash the huge LOSE jumps out and scratches from us in all moose elk, promptly decreasing in sizes.
2nd Serega (viciously):
- Well, and who is here now ... REAL DATEL_ ?!
I could not resist skiing. Could go on only five minutes later.

The drunk boxer
One lightweight boxer, an arrester, with a rather well-known name Shishkin, liked to kick in before a full outage, and after that he stumbled to the house on autopilot, usually 10 kilometers and on the way always without adventures. But getting to the place, disconnected completely - either on a bench near the house, or on a platform in the entrance. Somehow he got to the ground floor and got out. His neighbor noticed and told her mother. His mother tried to get him - and he did not go into any ... Then the poor woman went out into the street, asked the two men to bring the son ... They went in, took the guy under his arms ... And he suddenly woke up, quickly assessed the situation ... Two strike - the men in knockout - Shishkin asleep further! So he had to pour in the porch ...

Two substitutes
I had an acquaintance on Fiztekh, a good man, but his dean's office really did not like him. Well, did not agree with the characters, what can you do. Accordingly, for his results in the exams constantly monitored and arranged all sorts of rigor. And so, after another failure to attend the exam (who knows what a person could have happened there), he brings a certificate to our dean's office from our own polyclinic. A deputy do not take the certificate.
"It does not happen," he says, "so that the therapist would give a certificate about a sick tooth." I'm going to go and put things in order.
There is a deputy with this certificate to the therapist, arranges disassemblies, and to him the doctor (the dearest woman, therefore how much he did not like for such numbers) answers:
- There was not a dentition that day, but a man came with a temperature and a pain - what else to do with it?
Zamdekana did not convince and he went to the head physician for explanations. The chief doctor confirmed that the dentist did not work that day. And to the request of a deputy to show about this the corresponding record answered: it is a MEDICAL MYSTERY! So he left the deputy with nothing. But the main thing is that the next day the second deputy decided that he was much smarter than the first, and he repeated the same way. With a similar result. And the man, with a certificate, and studied at the Physicotechnical Institute for a long time and happily.

What was the name of Beethoven?
I had a friend - Misha. Somehow in a not so snotty age, years so at 16-17, he approaches to the daddy and asks: - Daddy, and what was the name of Beethoven?
Dad, an elderly intelligent Jew, begins to spit on Misha:
"Misha, how can you!" You're an intelligent person! You're in school! We brought you up! It's just a shame at this age not to know! Everyone must absorb it with the mother's milk! ..
Well, and so on. Then, having uttered it, in a tone of caution:
"Remember, Misha, Beethoven's name was Johann ... Sebastian ..."
(Sits on a chair, pauses seconds for 10 ...) ... Bach.
Misha had to pump out laughter, and Papa was very embarrassed.

The Lustful Parrot
I had a parrot (wavy). Not so long ago you died, but here you can not trample on nature ... 16 years have lived, a scoundrel, and this is a case almost unique, since in captivity they and 10 rarely live. The life path of this cute creature was full of adventures, which he himself found on his ass. Here is just one example.
I was then 10-11 years old, the parrot was also young and full of energy, including sexual. And since he lived alone (we did not buy him a friend), he satisfied his lust, well, literally, he had to fuck (sorry) with rubber gloves for washing dishes, kitchen utensils (he lived in our kitchen). But his biggest love was eggs. Chicken. At the sight of them, he chalel as a cat from valerian and was capable of anything. One fine morning I have breakfast before leaving for school. I eat the egg. Soft-boiled. The parrot at the sight of this spectacle could not restrain itself, dived into my hand and demanded that I give my favorite toy. In affirmation of the seriousness of his intentions, non-weakly grabbed my finger. I yelled at the good mate. Mom, frightened that all the contents of the egg now poured out onto my freshly wrinkled school uniform screamed:
- Drop on the table, figs with him, let what he wants, then he does! .
I threw everything, the parrot in ecstasy rushed to the subject of his passion and began to deal with him, egg, love. (For those who do not know how the birds do this, I explain: he sat on the tail, paws tried to hold the egg, while making "this place" rotational movements, just like people, I swear!). And now imagine the situation: the parrot puffs on the table, the contents of the egg in the "process" is rapidly flowing, pouring everything around. The parrot, not paying attention, is busy in all this zhizhe. Having finished the hard work of birds proudly leaves in the cage, where he immediately dries to the perch. Since there was no time to fuss with him in the morning, the problem was solved until evening. Returning home, we found a miserable sight - the parrot tightly adhered to the roost, moreover, was unable to even move, because the wings were attached to the body. With difficulty, tearing it from the perch, we thrust it under the tap, in full confidence that this bathing would be the last for him (they actually do this from dying). Took out half of his feathers, then wrapped in a towel and shoved between sections of the battery to warm. Contrary to all the laws of nature, this scoundrel survived and even overgrown with feathers. To all the deaths luck!

Need a blowtorch
After heating the radiator stove in the Volga with a blowing lamp (a spectacle is not for the faint-hearted) I come home, I decided to put the seagull.
I raise the kettle, and in small pokachianiyami I try to determine - as there is inside with water. DAMN, nothing hanging. Damn, frozen bastard. It is necessary to run a friend to run, if he is still in the garage, that would bring a blowtorch along the way. On the way to the phone, gradually, blurring in a smile, I start to think with my head and laugh!

Rent a car or you will not spend-2.
Hindus, seeing my fighting spirit and perseverance of the locomotive, pasted the wheel and put it back at the speed of the pit stop of formula 1 (while I was washing my hands). The secret key, as a souvenir from Russia, I was proudly handed to the Indians (not yet come to my senses) with the words:
- Present frrom is mechanic!
The term of renting a car SHEVYA was over, and we had to fly home in two days ... The Arabs were called up, cleaned up in the car (which is uncharacteristic for hire, yes?) - candy wrappers, all sorts of babies, all the same.
Our Arab arrived, silently took the keys to the car and drove to the exit ...
No hello, not yet!
-A ? Eh-uh ... Ah? - We mumble after it.
"It seems to be a good pledge to return as it were - I started negotiations."
-What kind of money ?! And you read the contract, eh?
And pokes me with a crooked little finger in "special conditions", and there is some rubbish written, well, not a damn thing to disassemble. Handwriting, pancake, like a school doctor. Calling the guide ...
Guide, joyfully so (!!!):
- And he will return the money to you in two weeks, he wrote it here. If, of course, you will not be fined. And then you know what the fines ?? U-U-U! - TARGETS !!
I:
- Yes, what are the penalties! We're with the kids, you see ... There's a full glove box of parking bags, we're right and decent all of us ... Where are the violations?
D:
- I personally believe you, but you signed its additions, so - agreed. I see that he illegibly wrote. It's not with you first. This is their BUSINESS SUCH, they get your discount so back. No wonder he dropped from $ 80 to $ 60. He sees that you are with the children, and so would have taken more collateral ...
They're all doing it here.
- And what about you, GNIDA (!!!!), we were not warned before ?! We are with you and on your tip machine took something? !!!!
D:
- Well, it's time for me, the tour, you know, the band waited .. (backing away).
All in chorus, including children:
-BELL !!!
There was a ringing silence in the hall of the hotel ...
We are an Arab:
-You know, but we conferred and decided to rent your wonderful mobile phone for a couple of days, but on account of the collateral. Good?
- Know, sir!
- And like this.....?
- Know, sir!
- But such an option ...?
- Know ......
- And what?
- To you for two days as to constant clients absolutely a gift-100 dollars! But money now.
Then my friend Sanya enters into action (whispered):
"Take it, anyway, he threw us already, and then the fines are fucked-up, the GAI has no radar, and that's why he'll get our pledge back!" Better make a feasible contribution to the development of the Emirates Road Police !!!!
- Well, we take!
The Arab, happily clutching a hundred thousand in a handful, happily leaves (by the way, on lehus).
- Well, have quieted down ?! The fun is just beginning! - Sanya ordered. We're going to the water park. I must say that the road there is very straight and very good, but there are signs of speed limitation ... km 80, I do not remember exactly ....
After the speed of 140 children from the back stopped fumbling, fell silent and fastened ......
We put the speedometer, put it. I myself asked:
"It's good, San, we're not alone!"
Oh, and strongly were surprised by the lehuis and corn, moving in passing ...... as they were blown up by a family minivan. We approached the restaurant.
OOOgrugnym sign (apparently for us) - "Do not park" 2 by 2 meters - not less than an arrow where, they say ... You can see that we do not bother anyone and right under this sign in the shadow is neat - jump!
Runs a parking man, waving his arms, saying something ...
We told him:
"Do not worry, dear man, we know that we can not here, but we can!" We have a travel card! Yes, we know that there will be a fine, but we can. We are with a special pass, the Kremlin, damn ...
And so they left. The insolent.
I eat and I see that someone is standing by the car, I looked closely: the saints are holy! Whom we see! - GAI !!!! San, look, cops drove up. We go out to them. You need me, my own! Here are the documents, insurance, figovka and so on.
-A? What? ........ Of course we will pay, a little later ........ Of course ..... yes .... no, did not see the sign. The sun is bright, and it stands in the shade (!). The restaurant has Russian hysterics ...
Collecting impudence:
- And how much you can stand after a fine?
- Not at all! Take the car away, otherwise the evacuator will take it away!
- Then we have one more please write!
- ?????? !!!!!
- And we will go swimming after the restaurant !!!!!
The policeman froze, his brain could not stand it right away .......
.......A curtain.
Of course, analyzing this adventure today, I see that we were (to put it mildly) not right - but that was, it was. I will try to correct myself.
You will not return so to speak. But there is something to remember!

My man is the best man in the world!

He is preparing me breakfasts, lunches, dinners. And even afternoon snacks. Mixes cocktails exactly the way I like and brings slippers when I come home from work. He goes shopping with me for hours, tears up to visit my mother, loves my friends. He wears me in his arms through puddles, hands out when I get out of the car, does not ask where the money is going. He's a great lover. Fantastic, but ...
But he's a PADONAK. No, he does not take candy from the kids, does not beat the bulbs in the porches, does not swear in public places, spits on the floor, does not write dull words in the elevator, and does not jump into puddles to splash passers-by.
He is a regular visitor and author of the creations of a single Padonka site.
I knew about this when we were just starting to build our relationship. Ponach alu I piously believed in the wonderful power of our love and in the fact that I can cope with it and I will be able to re-educate it (I have three higher pedagogical educations and an A3 certificate of honor given by Makarenko himself + courses of illusionist trainers).
It's just impossible to talk to him.
At my request to speak normal Russian, he replied that I should learn Albanian. I learned. First Albanian, then Swahili, then Turkmen. But this did not improve our communication at all, and the gap between us continues to grow and expand. During our first sex, instead of tenderness in his ear, he loudly declared "Freeder!". When I presented him with an amazing plush heart, embroidered with rhinestones, beads and lace, I tailored specially for him to Valentine's Day, his reaction was "Cool userpic!".
I read it aloud, and with the intonation of Prishvin, Paustovsky, Derzhavin, Zhukovsky, in order to attach it to the Russian language. He advised me to drink a yadu and sent a fluke.
To my mother's question about when we are going to get married, because she has not seen a cousin's aunt from Kryzhopol for a long time, and the wedding is a very suitable occasion, he answered her "awful, where is the moderator?" I was in shock. Mom was in shock. Everyone was in shock. Even the Alyosha's aunt was in shock. When trying to talk about the wedding again, his answer: "Bayan".
I love him very much. And I really want to be with him. I want to marry him and I want to give birth to his children: two boys and two girls. BUT when I hear from him again, when clarifying the relationship "Give two to give a shove" or "Drain is protected" ... I start crying and crying ..... and then I hear "Kisa, kuku!" - You are with what a hail ? "...
I hired him tutors, locked him for the whole day in the toilet so that he could not communicate on his padonkovskom site, beat him with a pointer on his hands, washed his mouth with soap, I went to my mother loudly slamming the door ..... but anyway came back ... because my mother does not know how to mix cocktails so well.
Aunts, dear and dear aunts! Dear aunts! And uncles, too! Tell me, is he really an incorrigible padonak? Really all the peasants muzhiks ??? Or can you do something about this? Maybe you need to get a fourth pedagogical education? Or drink a yada and go to Bobruisk? Or maybe there is a special technology of slamming the door ??? Maybe I'm wrong clapping ???
I'm desperate ... I do not know what to do? Has anyone already had a valuable experience in re-educating such men? Please help me...
strong> 10 stages of programmer's morning hangover

1. Contemplative. He looks at the monitor with clear, transparent eyes, does nothing, does not press anywhere, occasionally says in astonishment, looking at the screen: "That's it, who would have thought!" The computer is unplugged.
2. Active. With suspicion and squint, he looks at the keyboard, swinging his whole body, then throws out his hand with a sharp movement, trying to press the button he wanted. In the case of a successful hit, he screams "Eh-hoo !!!", in case of an unsuccessful hit, the monitor blows to the een-hair dryer, while the good-humor grumbled it "well, this is the third time today"
3. Gloomy. Ponuro sits in front of the computer, trying not to make sudden movements. Typing text on the keyboard with the tongue of the head and holding both hands with his hands, so as not to tip over from the chair ... As it turned out, it was in vain.
4. Automotive. Tries to start the computer with car keys, attach the radio tape recorder to the computer panel, and turn on the wipers, because "no shit is visible, but you need to go"
5. Entertaining. He plays Quake, and from all types of weapons he prefers his own hands and fights with the monitor, threatens the computer to return tomorrow with friends-karate players, and release it in such a way that "mom" does not recognize.
6. Terrorist. After another attempt to open your eyes, the horror of the cry is that the computer is mined because the clock is ticking in the lower right corner and dives under the table.
7. The state. On the offer "Enter your password" yells into the computer: "Ah bitch, you do not know me?", Shows the monitor language, indecent gestures and certification assistant deputy of the State Duma.
8. Optimistic. Cheerful, playful, treats the computer on an equal footing. After reading the page of Anekdot.ru, he also remembers a couple of funny stories and tells them to the monitor. Then they drink beer together, the computer sips by the drive.
9. The unique. - turns off the computer, takes two minutes to drink beer, turns it on again, waits for the screen saver and in anguish pronounces "Again, I hate Gates," turns off the computer, takes two minutes to drink beer, turns it back on.
10. Calming. Long after the syllables reads from the screen "Now the computer can be turned off", after which, smiling softly, says "Thank you" and falls asleep on the keyboard.