My Blog: funny jokes jokes stories

R / A / F
A friend of mine as a student, teaching moonlighting work on the PC trainees some refresher courses. And now one of them has given DOS R / A / F. Pasha, thinking no harm, said: - You need to have an abortion. Dumb. Comments Other my friend: - She must have thought: how did he know?
All is well, but in moderation
When she was as a graduate student, I had to practice Bate held in one of Moscow Research Institute. And, in the same laboratory, a student passed the practice of "friendly socialist countries". So ... One head. . Laboratory, having arrived from a business trip and brought the five-liter jar of caviar - a gift to the local workers. And, as usual, on arrival improvised table was organized - right in the lab, and caviar, for convenience, have shifted in a small bowl - cherpanul spoon, biting and order. While the essence of the matter - our drink, a snack, a market on how to trip a success as a life away from the capital, and so on, pretzel that of socialist countries, Alcohol does not touch, no matter how offered (man is his own master -.. Want drink, you want - do not have), but all of caviar spoons and leans her mouth sends. It is understandable - the man never caviar in quantities never seen, and then you and a bowl and a spoon. In general, two hours later everyone is happy and slightly podkosevshie began to disperse. The next day, lo and behold - a trainee from the socialist camp on the job and not. In the afternoon, they began to worry and call a nowhere - in a hostel phone no. And the next day, too, does not appear krendelёk. As it later turned out, the guy who had lain in her room for three days with a wild pain in the abdomen, and the only way in which he moved short dashes, was only up to the toilet - a bowl of eggs (and it's almost pure protein) made itself felt. In this example, I want to see that all is well, but in moderation.

Briefs & Watches
It was during this time of ancient, not this time, I was young then, but has lived separately from their parents. I was an athlete, and always somewhere traveled to other cities, but the story is not about that. The story about how I once returned.
Nor was I in week 2. Novosibe arrived early in the morning, did not come home, and their parents at 5 and 8 to work on your job folder drove off, mother still at home, running around in the house nightie fuss, eat, change clothes. I'm a dirty, grimy, I'm in the bath more quickly - to wash, shave, change clothes and escape. And now I'm out of the bath, all so clean, not grimy and discover that the trip has spent his entire supply of clean, well who does not happen ... cowards. And since I do not live near their parents, here and there of my panties. I find out - ask for a loan from his father.
A small digression - 5 am I that the nurse did not exactly say sleep - sleepy. I mamma say - Mom, give me some papkiny PANTIES Here the key point. nurse hears everything, but instead the word underpants, she heard the word CLOCK. Next dialog:
- Yes is not present at it or anything.
- What present?
- Well, no, to break all.
- What ?!
- Well, is SO forever with him all the breaks !!!
Sleepy, I can not understand how he managed to break them, and ALL.
- Mom, give me any papkiny briefs clean!
- Yes, no, yes what you are soared! Take my!
Stupor full, then we must also know that my mother - well, not quite Thumbelina, imagination paints a picture ...
- Yes, what do you - I have a lot of them out, take any, to put in the pocket and go!
- No one will see that they are WOMEN!
Why would I want Mommy's panties in my pocket my head could not quite understand ... why continue finally followed by a question - are you talking about?
- Are you talking about?
We understood and so whinnying like perhaps never in my life with the nurse did not laugh ...

missing rights
Going from Berdsk, home to native Novosib, smoke, listen to music on crummy Hill stop, I do not care, all documents are in order, the mood is good, go out - say miltsoneru:
- Preved
I start to get the documents. The power of attorney, certificate of vehicle registration, insurance .... right. Wait, where are they? Skip pockets, the second pass, a whooping ... No. The brain tries to remember, but it is impossible. WHERE? Miltsoner rejoices, but do not always show it, sighs, shifting from foot to foot. I dialed his wife, asking if she can not see on the table right, she says no, and remember, a few days ago went to the skating rink, taking on rental skates, pledge rights were left - not taken.
Then, as always, the car pound, fine conductive go, your suggestions, 200 minutes in hand, Mnemonic paper, 400, Oooo, nuuuu, 500. OK!
In the morning - on the compactor, aunts with no hire there uncle, imbued with a problem, I told him that the skating ride for 500 rubles, he laughed.. Found keys searched - no, he calls his aunt with rolled, she says that in the eyes nor any rights not seen, I ask the key question: - Where do you usually put your pledge, at a desk or in a package with the shoes?
- No, not in the package, put straight into the shoes ...
Second delay ... Rent a right shoe. At uncle's eyes are so big (he did not hear what she said to me on the phone). Taken out of the boot right ... OUT!
Lord motorists REMEMBER that lost rights is necessary not only to fumble through his pockets, they can be the most interesting places! Standing in front of this bastard, he throws me, and the right - in the boot ...

Husband said. One day he was looking for some kind of office, it was necessary to work, and therefore pay attention to the signs. And here, there is a building, all hung with signs close to each other. In it - a wide double doors, each of the doors which apparently led to his office. "ADULT" was written over the left flap bright letters. red on black. Above right flap modestly adorned "Lombard".
Overall impression - "Intimate pawnshop." I wonder what kind of value you can deliver to?

shedding tram
Recently I went to the tram. The day was after the holiday of what exactly can not remember already. Going here, going through a turn, the tram brakes sharply. Opens the first door on the conductor runs and then everything is observed both in the tram runs in the interior conductor, but with a huge side panel from the tram. Then everything went barely suppressing a smile on his face.

A long time ago I had a friend with a simple Soviet name Silin. And then there was Pranksters named Dima lever.
Imagine - the Soviet era, Soviet laundry, dry cleaning. Dima Silin rags hands over to the dry cleaners.
Receptionist asks:
- Your name?
Dima Silin clearly the syllables:
- Xi-ling!
Leverage, peering over his shoulder:
- Yes, without a hyphen!
Receptionist wrote on the form: "Xi Lin" Like the Chinese ...

It is not a futile exercise
Once a friend of mine, who was not a fool to drink, was a counselor at summer camp. Happy pioneers built, and in the evening, after "lights out", began life itself - a lot of vodka, a little snack and a guitar. These gatherings are usually attended by some shepherd, accustomed to collect glassware. Well, there, we drank a bottle - and into the bushes. A shepherd dog to the same lomanetsya and in the teeth of her will. It would seem that activity quite stupid and pointless, but it turned out that it was not. Because once a dog has returned not empty packaging and full. First, all have decided that finally dopilis as hell. Then, in their drunken brains stir suspicion that all together do not go crazy. It took a little more time, and some bright head finally realized that the full bottle in the bushes - it squirrels pioneers hands.
PS. Ah, youth ...

Manual crow
We decided to go to see my old friends at the cottage. Cottage we located on the picturesque meadows of sixty kilometers from St. Petersburg. There's a lot of grenades, mushrooms, shells, birch and spent cartridges. Collection and review of the above we are engaged in a couple of days. It is time to leave. We drank prostokvashki, said goodbye with a woman-and pushed dedoy peshkorya through the woods to the train station. Where the road and saw a crow sitting on a tree stump. Raven probably was manual and the owner lost. Seeing us, she joyfully yelling something in his gibberish, long jumps, hops ran to meet him. I had to get acquainted with her and exchange a few words. Raven could say something similar to the word "m-malch-h-chik-a-ki" and cawed in Morse code. We decided to take it with him. They put on the shoulder in the absence of cells. The whole trip to Peter's head against it continually rotated and, blinking his eyes, pleased the public that cawed two or three times in a row, with enviable frequency of about once in ten minutes.
Shared, perhaps, the bitter experience of living in the forest and transmitted signals of exact time. Karkala is very shrill and somehow suddenly, attracting the attention of the entire audience in the car, which caused our modest persons increased interest. This is a matter of course we like, we are willing to answer questions, talking about the crow everything they know - and the fact that she is the only survivor of the party drifting on an ice floe brave Communist Papanin, and that she saw the revolt of Spartacus, and that it is Commander of the Order of the Garter ... Brave was noise, noise, jokes, and a trip to St. Petersburg, we really liked in the car trains. Arriving at the station and at the time of planting in the subway, we were ready to communicate with the audience at any level and tell voroninu biography in minutes and detail. Raven, I must say, was thrilled with our participation and it cawed doublet every minute, just glowing with happiness newfound back to secular life. However, in the subway with the crows are not allowed, and I had to take off it from my friend's shoulder. As a result, it became clear why this bitch cawed. As we showed investigative exeperimental, Kark twice meant to pee in a small and Kark three times - you understand. A friend of my mother as that Mount Everest, probably shaking trembling and with it fell the climbers. Just seeing the degree obgazhennosti jacket, he was trying to stump the poor animal, or at least something to do with it adequately. Nothing funny, in particular in the form behind his back, it was not. We had to do something. Remember all the known methods of catching wild and dangerous zhivtnyh, we stopped on the method of snakes catchers. Crow was repression in a linen bag which contained our shoes with the Khoi-what belongings. Reproachfully croaked something like "Oh, boys, boys ..." she trailed off. The house was not so far away, and the chances of our drop off zasranka without further adventures were very real. Underground car met us bodies and the only free seat, where my friend and sat down, and I hung up, propped bodies over his head. After passing a couple of stops, the train stopped in the tunnel. They stood for five minutes. It is, you know, oppressive silence. It seems that everyone wants to fart, but very shy, that's all stand and wait, who are the first to disgrace.
In the meantime, my friend, feeling the bag, made a tragic face and kicked me:
- Do not move, even - he said - can she died?
- Look, - I suggested - only gently. What he did, slowly parted bag and shoved back his hand.
In response, he heard a high-pitched Carr Number One. I do not know how it looked for St. Petersburg citizens who are in the car, but the silence came a deathly.
This was not expected and everyone listened furiously.
Following this, there was a Carr Number Two. And Number Three ... Carr was like an explosion of the gas cylinder in the dairy shop. After otgrohotalo echo, portends a bowel movement proud animal on our sweatpants and sneakers, blocking the roar and excitement of the public, there was clear voice of my friend with nevyrozimoy yearning for the lost pants, yelled for the whole of the Order of Lenin Metropolitan, that is urine:
- Fucking !!! Vanka !!! B # I !!! She NAV with # will amb .. !!!
Crow flew for a long time scored wagon bodies and cawed fucking cawed, shit ... cawed ...

Funky Bull
He lived in my sister boules, kind-hearted dogs, and that is characteristic for all the good little creatures, this toothy bench was extremely gluttonous. Once, my sister cook something delicious, fragrant and crisp, so beer was drunk better. They sat down at the table and began to drink beer and appetizing crunch. The dogs sat at the table and openly drooled (Pavlov's dogs rest), accompanying this spectacular process pohryukivaniem quiet. But the dog, no one paid attention. A few minutes later, when spread out on the floor of a decent puddle, dog decided to move on standing next to the table unoccupied stool. With new vantage point dogs are not only heard, but also seen as something very tasty disappears insatiable mouths greedy owners. They say that the Bulls, like the habit of imbitsily, are not particularly emotional - are wrong. Dogs, still drooling and grunting, he moved to the table and began to eat with incredible speed zakus beer. Prifigevshy by such impudence, sister's husband did not immediately react to the onslaught, but after a short time-out, has a fitting rebuff voracious creature - a weighty fist punched Intermedia pig's eye. When the dog recovered from the blow, he made an unexpected thing of all - shat on the table !!! Enraged swinish behavior of the creature, sister's husband plunged dog muzzle in another fresh bunch of feces, accompanied flogging terrible shouts and blows on muscled dog ass. After a while it was noticed that the dogs stopped grunt and, in principle, no signs of life. Instantly ambulance was called veterinary care, and dog, meanwhile, tried to revive ammonia. Of course, doctors pumped poor animal, but that turned out to be the most interesting, according to their diagnosis in dogs from gross behavior happened - a heart attack !!!

deceptive brake
It was my friend's 401st Muscovite. 1956, if I am not mistaken. We repaired it occasionally, if only traveled, so he braked only the left rear wheel, handbrake was not working at all, and the spring in the gas pedal was very tight.
Since this unit is only used for trips to the country, comrade of still idle hand brake lever made of manual throttle. The route is long, empty, it is a pleasure: pulled the lever and sit leg to leg, finger porulivaesh. That's how we came to the dacha, habitually left the car open (well I do not need this to anyone), went to drink vodka, and drank until he fell. In the morning we found the following picture: Moskvich in place not hijacked. It was found near. Leaving the village, the jerk who hijacked decided to slow down, brake, of course, did not work. Then he pulled the handbrake.
Further imagine simple: we find this rustic Schumacher in the bushes next to the machine, fully sedated (from moonshine and accident) and thoroughly broken on the wheel face. The only thing my friend and I felt sorry, because it did not see the expression of this type of person, when the machine is on the handbrake responded significant acceleration.

Ac roads
On the driver came to work in Moscow. I myself forwarder. Salary depends on the speed of movement in the city, so drove perfectly know all sorts of secret paths to avoid traffic jams at a great price!
Especially prized former taxi drivers, peresevshie on gazelle.
Machines in our company custom, every day new. The main thing is not to make a mistake when choosing the morning drove. And morning. Before warehouse worth a dozen gazelles. No one familiar.
I flew up to one this and that what worked? Says the taxi driver for 15 years. Well, I think chocolate! Grab him in his arms and loaded. Half an hour later we leave on the Moscow Ring Road and then my "ace roads" hvataetsya head and produces:
- No shit myself what was the Ring.
!!! I'm in touch! It turned out he worked for 15 years as a taxi driver in Lipetsk. At home I was 3 in the morning!

On Saturday, two familiar men dragged me along on the hunt. Like, shoot birds. Good men, both earrings, hunting fishing so move. We stopped in Tuyev wilderness around ntsat kilometers on any village, krasotischa skis fastened and forth - all as expected. Let's go one by one, I'm the last go around on the edge of the forest.
Suddenly 1st Serge stopped dead in his tracks. Second skis stuck in his boots and silently swearing. The following dialogue worthy of a movie Guy Ritchie:
1st Serge:
- Woodpecker.
2nd Serge (offended):
- You yourself woodpecker.
- No, over there, on the tree - a woodpecker.
2nd, after a pause:
- Well, there, on the tree - a woodpecker. What's next?
1st (thoughtfully):
- I need a woodpecker.
2nd (irritably):
- The hell you woodpecker?
- My daughter asked, says - I want the house was a woodpecker.
; "He stuffed the house - 10-20 pieces, and beasts, and birds." 2nd (sarcastically):
- I could not say that she had in the house a long time already lives alone woodpecker?
1st (shooting from the hip 16-th caliber):
- She needs a real woodpecker.
Broads. D, small shot. With wood sverzivaetsya snow heap, against this background unscathed woodpecker hurry to retire.
- ####### !!!
Then suddenly in front of 300 meters through the forest with a huge bang it pops LOS and scratches from us in all its elk gallop rapidly decreasing in size.
2nd Serge (angrily):
- Oh, and who is now here _NASTOYASCHY DYATEL_ ?!
I could not resist skiing. I could go further only after about five minutes.

Drunk fighter
A lightweight boxer, arrester, with a rather famous name Shishkin loved to get drunk to complete blackout, and then hobbled home on autopilot, usually 10 kilometers and the road is always without incident. But getting to the place, turning off at all - either on a stool at home or on-site at the entrance. Once he reached the landing on the first floor and passed out. A neighbor spotted him and his mother said. His mother tried to make - and it in any ... Has been released while the poor woman on the street and asked the two men bring a son ... We went they took the guy by the hand ... And he suddenly woke up, quickly assessed the situation ... Two Shot - men knocked - Shishkin sleep on! So he had to fill up at the entrance ...

Two deputy dean
I had a friend at the PTI, a good man, but not very much liked his deanery. Well, do not get along, what can you do. Accordingly, its results of the exams are constantly monitored and organized all sorts of austerity. And then, after another failure to appear for the exam (Who knows what could happen in humans) brings it to the dean certificate from our own home clinic. A deputy dean certificate does not take.
- You can not have - he says - such that the therapist gave a certificate about the aching tooth. I'll go and bring order.
There is a deputy dean of this certificate to the therapist, fighting suits, and his doctor (mileyshaya woman, because it did not like much of these numbers) responsible:
- Dental that day were not, and a man came with fever and pain - that with it to do?
Deputy Dean is not convinced, and he went to the head physician for clarification. The head physician confirmed that the dentist that day did not work. And at the request of deputy dean show the corresponding record said about this: this is medical confidentiality! As deputy dean and left with nothing. But most importantly, that the next day a second deputy dean decided that he much smarter than the first, and repeated the same way. A similar result. A man who, with the help of, and studied at the PTI still happily.

As Beethoven's name?
I had a friend - Misha. Once in a not very snotty age, years since 16-17, fits it to the Pope and asks: - Dad, Beethoven called?
Dad, an elderly Jew intelligent, begins to splutter Misha:
- Misha, yes you can! You're an intelligent man! You learn in school! We brought you! Just a shame at this age do not know! Everyone should soak it with mother's milk! ..
Well, and so on. Then, a reprimand, didactic tone:
- Remember, Michael, called Beethoven, Johann Sebastian ... ...
(He sits down on a chair, pauses for 10 seconds ...) ... Bach.
Misha had to pump out laughing, and my father was very embarrassed.

Randy parrot
I had a parrot (wavy). Not so long ago died, but there's no arguing against nature ... 16 years lived, the villain, and it is - almost a unique case, since in captivity they live 10 rare... The life of this lovely creation was full of adventures, which he himself had found on his ass. That's just one example.
I was only 10-11 years old, a parrot, too, was young and full of energy, including sexual. And because he lived one (friend we have not bought it), then to satisfy his lust, well, just what is necessary - fucking (sorry) rubber gloves for washing dishes, cooking utensils (and he lived with us in the kitchen). But most of his great love he used eggs. Chicken. At the sight of them he shalel like a cat on valerian and was capable of anything. One fine morning I eat breakfast before going to school. I eat an egg. Runny. Parrot at the sight of this spectacle could not help it, I dived into the hands and demanded to give a favorite toy. In support of their seriousness nonweak he grabbed my finger. I screamed obscenities good. Mom, fearful that all the contents of the egg are now pour out my svezheotglazhennuyu uniforms shouted:
- Come to the table, figs with him, even if he wants something and does! .
I threw all parrot in ecstasy rushed to the object of his passion and began to study with him, egg, love. (For those who do not know how birds do it, I explain: he sat down on the tail, paws tried to hold the egg while making "this place" rotational motion, just like people, I swear!). And now imagine the situation: a parrot puffing on a table, the contents of the eggs in the "process" quickly follows, filling all around. Parrot, ignoring busy throughout this swill. Having finished their hard work proudly birds removed his cell, where he immediately dry on a perch. Since the morning mess with it once was, the resolution of issues left to the evening. Back home we found a pitiful sight - parrot firmly stuck to roost, moreover, was not able to even move, that is, to the wings stuck to the body... With difficulty tearing it from the perch we stuck it under the tap, in full confidence that this will be the last swim (they actually die from it) for him. Tear out half his feathers, and then wrapped in a towel and shoved between the battery section to warmed. In spite of all the laws of nature that bastard survived and even grown a feather. All death to spite !!!

Need a blowtorch
After warming radiator stove Volga blowtorch (not a sight for the faint of heart) come home, I decided to put a cup of tea.
Lifting the kettle, and small pokachianiyami trying to determine - as there is in the water. Hell, not loose anything. Damn, bitch froze. It is necessary to run the friend to call if it is in a garage, would be that the path has brought a blowtorch. On the way to the phone slowly, breaking into a smile, beginning to think a head and laugh!

Rental car or us will not spend-2.
The Indians, seeing my Rumble mood and persistence engine, stuck a wheel and put it back with speed pitstop Formula 1 (while I was washing his hands). The private key as a souvenir from Russia, I was proudly presented to the Indians (who came not yet a) with the words:
- Present Frome Rushen mehaniks !!!
Term Car "SHEVYA" came to an end, and two days later we had to fly home ... They called the Arabs, put it in the machine (which is in general something unusual for rental, right?) - candy wrappers, bottles everyones kids though.
I came our Arab, silently took the car keys and moved to the exit ...
No hello or bye!
-A ? E-on th ... Huh? - After we mumble.
- It seems to be a good idea to return the pledge would like - I began negotiations.
-What, That kind of money ?! Have you read the contract, as well?
And I koryavenko pokes a finger in "special circumstances", and there is some rubbish written, damn well do not tell. Handwriting, pancake like uch astkovogo doctor. Call the guide ...
Guides, happily so (!!!):
- And the money he will return in two weeks, so he immediately wrote. If is finite, fines do not send. And you know what penalties there ??? Y Y Y! - Brutal !!
- Yes, what penalties! We're with the kids, you see ... There's a full bardachek kvitochki with parking, we're the right and decent all of a violation ... How?
- I personally believe you, but you signed its complement, then - agreed. I see that he has written illegibly. It is not with you first. That they have SUCH BUSINESS, they discount your way back to get. No wonder he is from $ 80 to 60 fell. He sees that you are with children, and would further take the pledge ...
They're all doing it.
- What are you, NIT (!!!!), we were not warned before ?! We're in front of you and on your machine a tip-it took? !!!!
- Well, I have to go, a tour, you know, a group of tired of waiting .. (backed out).
All the choir, including children:
-BLYAT !!!
In the hotel lobby hung ringing silence ...
.. We - the Arabs:
-You Know, but we discussed it here and decide for another couple of days to rent your wonderful mobility, but at the expense of the collateral. Good?
- Know, sir!
- And like this.....?
- Know, sir!
- But such an option ...?
- Know ......
- And what?
- Do you two days as the regular customers at all gratis -100 bucks! But money now.
Here comes into play, my friend Sanya (whispering):
- Beriberi, he still threw us already, but here awesome fines, traffic police radar netu- all whipped horseradish and therefore it is our deposit back will get! Us be better contribution to the development of Emirati GAI !!!!
- Okay, take!
Arab, joyfully holding in ruchenkami hundred happily leaves (by the way, lehuse).
- Well, silenced ?! The fun is just beginning! - Commanded Sanya. We go to the water park. I must say that the road there is very direct and very good, but the speed limit signs is still there ... 80 km to go, I do not remember exactly ....
After a speed of 140 children back we stop messing around, silent and strapped ......
They put us speedometer, put it. I asked myself:
- Well, Sanya, not one we're going!
Oh, and strongly we were surprised lehusy kukuruzery and moving them along the way ...... like family minivechik blown. They came to the restaurant.
OOOgromny sign (probably for us) - "No parking" 2 by 2 meters - no less and arrow which, they say, you can look ... that nobody interferes with and directly under this sign in tenechek neatly - jumping!
Running man-jockey, waving his arms, something tells ...
We told him:
- Do not worry, my dear man, we know that it is impossible here, but we - you can! We have travel! Yes, we know that the fine will be, but we - as possible. We take a special pass, the Kremlin, a pancake ...
And so it went. Squirt.
I eat and I see that someone is in the car, I looked carefully: batyuschki-holy! Who do we see! - Traffic !!!! Sanya look, cops drove him to leave. You the man I should be, dear! Here are the documents, insurance, etc. figovka.
-A? What? ........ Certainly pay, later ........ of course ..... yes .... no, not see the sign. The sun bright, and it is in the shade (!). The restaurant at the Russian hysterics ...
Nabire arrogance:
- And how much can you stand after a fine?
- Not at all! Blow any machine or tow truck will take away!
- Then we write down one more, please!
- ?????? !!!!!
- And after the restaurant we still go swimming !!!!!
Police stopped, his brain could not withstand such a right .......
.......A curtain.
Of course, analyzing today is an adventure, I see that we were (to put it mildly) are wrong - but what happened, happened. I will try to correct.
Do not bring back so to speak. But there is something to remember!

My man - the best man in the world!

He cooks me breakfast, lunch, dinner. And even snacks. It mixes cocktails exactly as I love and bring slippers when I come home from work. He goes shopping with me for hours, eager to visit my mother loves my girlfriends. She wears my arms through the puddles, gives her hand, when I get out of the car, do not ask where the money business. He is a great lover. Fiction, but ...
But he bastard. No, he does not take candy from babies, beats bulbs in the hallways, do not swear in public, do not spit on the floor, not in the lift writes badwords and jumping in puddles with a view to splash passers-by.
He is a regular visitor and author of one creatives padonkovskogo site.
I knew about it when we were just beginning to build our relationship. Ponach alu I firmly believed in the miraculous power of our love and the fact that I can handle it, and it can re-educate (I have three higher pedagogical education and certificate A3 handed himself Makarenko + trainers, magicians courses).
Since it is simply impossible to talk.
On my request to speak in a normal Russian language, he said, that I taught Albanian. I learned. First, Albanian, then Swahili, then Turkmen. But this does not improve our communication and the gap between us continue to grow and spread. During our first sex he caresses your ear instead of loudly said "fdesyatke!". When I gave him a marvelous heart plush, embroidered with sequins, beads and lace sewn by me for him Valentine's Day, his response was, "Cool userpic!".
I read it out loud and singsong intonation Prishvina, Paustovsky, Derzhavin, Zhukovsky, in order to attach it to the Russian language. It is advised to drink yadu and sent sucks.
On my mother's question about when are we going to get married, because she had not seen her aunt twice removed from Kryzhopol and wedding - a very suitable occasion, he told her, "Where is the moderator awful?" I was shocked. My mother was shocked. Everyone was shocked. Even Kryzhopolsky aunt was shocked. When attempting to speak again about the wedding of his answer: "Bayan".
I love him very much. And really I want to be with him. I want to marry him and I want to give birth to his children: two boys and two girls. But when I hear from him again, when clarifying the relationship "Akuet give two" or "Drain zaschitan" ... I begin to weep and cry ..... and then I hear, "Kish, a cookie - you with what Horad ? "...
I hired him tutors, locked it for the whole day in the bathroom so that he could not communicate in his padonkovskom site, beat his pointer on his hands, washed his mouth out with soap, I went to my mom slamming the door ..... but still I back ... because my mother does not know how to mix cocktails as well.
Aunts, lovely and dear aunt! Dear aunt! And guys too! Tell me, does he incorrigible bastard? Are all men bastards ??? Or it may be something to do? Maybe you need to get a fourth teacher education? Or have a drink and go yadu in Bobruisk? Maybe there is a special technology of door slamming ??? Maybe I'm wrong clapped ???
I'm desperate ... I do not know what should I do? Somebody has been a valuable experience for the rehabilitation of these men? Please help me...
strong> 10 morning hangover programmer stages

1. The contemplative. He looks at the monitor clean clear eyes, doing nothing, will not push, sometimes in amazement says, looking at the screen: "Wow, who would have thought!" Computer unplugged from the outlet.
2. activities. Be suspicious squint and look at a keyboard, swaying his body, then abruptly throws his hand in an attempt to press the desired button. In the case of a successful hit shouting "E-hoo !!!", after an unsuccessful hit blows to monitor edrene hair dryer, with a good-natured grumbling um "Well, that's the third time today"
3. sullen. Dejectedly sitting in front of laptop, trying not to make any sudden movements. Typing on the keyboard language of the head and two hands holding on to his arm, so as not to tip over a chair ... As it turned out, in vain.
4. Automotive. He is trying to start a computer car keys prisobachit radio to the PC pane, and include windshield wipers, because "no shit is not visible, but it is necessary to go"
5. Entertainment. Playing in Quake, and all kinds of weapons Preference itaet own hands and fights with the monitor, the computer is threatening to come back tomorrow with fellow karate and OTP * zdit it so that the "mother" does not recognize.
6. Terrorist. After another attempt to unstick my eyes in horror Creech um, that the computer mined because in the lower right corner of the clock is ticking, and dives under the table.
7. State. In the sentence "Enter your password" yelling at the computer: "Oh, bitch, you did, or what you do not learn?", The monitor shows the language, the obscene gestures and nye Certificate Assistant State Duma deputy.
8. optimistic. Fun, playful, refers to a computer on an equal footing. Other itav page, also recalls a couple of funny stories and tells them to monitor. Then together they drink beer, sip a computer drive.
9. Uniksovaya. - Turn off your computer, two minutes, drinking beer, again includes screen and waits in anguish he says, "Again, Windows, Gates hate" turns the computer off, two minutes, drinking beer, includes again.
10. Soothing. Long syllables read from the screen, "Now you can turn off power to the computer", and then, gently smiling, says, "Thank you" and falls asleep on the keyboard.