My Blog: funny jokes jokes stories

Why too late ?!
It was in the glorious traditions of their democratic Tomsk Medical. Week cycle begins training in gynecology. Supervised by their young teacher for 5 years older than the students and, in principle, as it turned out, a good man. But on that day, apparently, a departure from yesterday. Teacher: - Who prepared the homework? (Remember - the first day of class). Students squandered silent and someone incidentally notes that "we did not ask anything." AP (starting to lose his temper): - Well, I had to go to the department in advance and receive! At this time, the door to the classroom opened and is a student of Charles - a very shy girl, 5 minutes before this bold otchekryzhennaya teaching pencil in the journal as the lack of it - yeah, will work! View from the student rather pathetic - a button on her skirt torn off at pantyhose hole. AP: - So !!! Why too late ?! Ch (quiet and embarrassed): - I fell. - What?! Ch (loudly and clearly): - I fell. - And what, 10 minutes lying ?! All in touch.
Comrade military
It was a long time ago, my mother was still a girl, she went once to work, and it was in May, the students went to the military academy in full regalia, they just handed a new title. If anyone remembers, then passed over two cents on the ticket to the driver. So, the following conversation took place. Mom, referring to graduate: - Male, pass, please, on the voucher. What student replied: - If you are in the ranks do not understand, you could say "fellow soldier". My mom was taken aback by this response, and only managed to say: - Oh, sorry, I did not notice that you are not a man.
savvy political officer
It is the commercials in 1990. At that time I had the pleasure of staying on the island of Cuba. There was near the village of Havana military - Torrens. So in one of the military units there was such a case. In the car park at the gate blown bulb in the lamp. Long stairs somewhere gave - in general, can not reach the soldiers did flashlight to replace the lamp. It comes zampolit evening in the park brains composted soldiers. Sees - no lighting. - Why is light out ?! - Lamp burns comrade. n-n / k! - So change! - Do not pull out the comrade. n -. n / a, no stairs. - Adjust shishiga (GAZ-66, Climb to the roof as possible - so higher) - Customized - do not get it! - So adjust the second !!! Here they are savvy guys here, the army political officer.
So drunk !!!
It is the year 94, when only began in Moscow City Day with the first weekend of September, combine, and the tents of the Polish Commercial Absolute was at least drown. In what was happening, I took most directly involved, so I assure you that I have to tell the real truth. So, we have gathered a small company on September 1 to celebrate, and for one and approaching the city of the great day. There were among us and the students, there were guys who have money were carried out, but drank all, I must say, as a moose. Girls, of course, too, were with us. We bought all the Absolute, and is fed to the apartment of my friend Sasha. he lived on Taganka. And in the midst of the feast, when each dose has overcome the mark of 350 grams, and was beginning to steal up to 400 meters, I was born in the masses the idea of ​​dashing: a motorbike ride. Girls malopyuschy our reasonable and tried in every way to stop us and hold, but the men's cunning and persistence prevailed. And Sasha was driving, because both legs was stronger and I a passenger on Sashka the Urals solo flying on the highway enthusiasts, shouting phrases from Mad Max type: "I car suicide, running on petrol," or "I roll faster than a pair of dice - you do not catch up with me, the cops! ". We caught. Although caught a long time ... Sasha went to talk, and I was left to keep the Urals. I ground shakes under your feet, Sasha, too, is very uneven. He stopped at a respectful distance from the traffic cop, and the conversation, then this happens: - So, drunk !!! - Well, Comrade Lieutenant ... Sober, sober at all. A week! In the mouth did not take alcohol ... It happens to me a terrible: the earth has taken a critical slope, and I, unable to cope with her weight, and even more so with the weight of the Urals, in the background of this sweet conversation with the inspector, gently fall to the side. Sasha left with mouth open ... - Well, that ... after a pause responds to this lieutenant - or who does not say that drunk - drunk! And how on earth: let us go! We see this scene has been touched by the inspector soul. Sasha then I said: - Well, I just lost all the arguments at once! It was necessary to you as the Urals on the bandwagon to put ...
Arbat cop
Arbat. Perestroika. Eleven pm pesnopeteley already dispersed, that is, almost no people. Somewhere on the affairs stomping thick and a good-natured cop. Suddenly, out of the window on the second floor is heard the cry of "shameful cop!", And the cap on the fly some suks - either peel the potato, or beet nedochischennaya. The cop shakes, furtively looking around (probably about the boss?), Gets out of the inside pocket of his slingshot, and quickly, and accurately, a bullet in the window. Ringing glass, cop removed, rare witnesses slump to the ground ...
Turkish defense
It happened during my trip to sunny Turkey. We sit once with a friend in the textile shop, talking with a young Turk (the owner of the shop) about that, about this ... They said, of course, to the terribly broken English. I said that in doing stomatinstitut. Well, we talk and forgotten. We began to try on clothes. And then this Turk is calling me in the dressing room, for shirmochka. Well, I was wondering, if I think that - it's samozaschischus somehow ... And indeed, we entered, and I was at the wall. He muttered something in a mixture of Turkish and English that I did not understand. Look, he leans on me, her mouth opens ... From the side you would have thought that the malicious maniac wants to rape me - I still thought, well, do not rape, because a kiss, and given Turkey I somehow did not want to .. . Here I am, as taught, with all my heart beat Intermedia appreciated his feet, then push off and run out, pick up a girlfriend and we go out. Next evening, we go to dinner, and the road to the restaurant, only one - through the store. They spat and went. There comes to us a cousin of the Turk, co-owner of the shop, and he gently says in Russian, and asks for the order that I have offended, because he only wanted me as a future dentist looked his aching tooth ... R. S. I, as a man brought up and dragged to apologize recently oklemalas from my shock Turk. He forgave.
Not only the composer
It was a long time ago, but I think, it could happen now. However, now in the cinema before the film does not show the "Daily News". And then (twenty years) showed. And now my friend is sitting, looking at the screen shows about the Congress of the Union of Soviet Composers, first question, then show the Congress delegates. N famous composer plays his opus on the piano. Seated next to another couple in an undertone (but audible to all) discusses what he saw - You see, not only is he a composer, so also knows how to play the piano!
I'll always help you!
I work at the plant (commercial service), such as plant collecting money from private investors, and pay just could not. Money all rushed to beat (court proceedings). Someone advised to contact me. Then the conversation: - I Director pathologists help with money. - It's the lawyers. - Lawyers do not want to. - Then the only director. - It is the second week in a business trip. - In the Secretary a list of payments. - She said at the end of the month. - Then I do not know how to help. - Do not want to help me? If you need, I'll always help !!! Bye!!! I think what she offers me help, and when we have a date, on my or her work. Signature:.
It is the year 1986. I then studied in the glorious Leningrad Mechanical Institute. And we had the teacher by the name of Eugene B.. We, the students, called it shorter - EBe. It was EBe habit he appeared in the audience for another change, laid out his papers and looking at them, waiting for the start of the lecture. That day, as usual, during the break, went into the audience and sat down at the faculty table, which for some reason this time was not in his usual place in the corner by the window. And then at the door looks the guy with the parallel flow and, not seeing EBe usual place, loudly asked the girls, who were sitting in the front row: - Hey, EBe not seen? Prof, not looking up from the paper and without turning: - EBe will be on the exam, but for now - Eugene B. ..!
Middle Zhirinovsky
It is a year in 94 think that Zhirinovsky many still called a fascist, probably for the content of the statements. Now he seems to be the same as saying, but people probably poprivyk :) But not the essence. The bottom line is that my friend worked as head of department in the district administration. A Zhirik with his team (Kashpirovskiy there was, as I remember, someone else), came to our city for that out there campaigning. And according to the law it is whether the applicant which is either already the deputy that the local authorities were obliged to create conditions for a speech to the people. E. In the central square of the city to put together a platform, and so on. D. A square is just in the same area where one worked, and naturally, the entire administration is not engaged in anything else besides organized case. And call each head of another department, and asks: - Listen, I've been writing the system area, and forgotten like Zhirinovsky's middle name ... I only remember that Adolf ...
Throw going?
My friend, four years devotedly and faithfully met with a young man (it went to a wedding), suddenly up to his ears in other crush. Plagued by the problem of choice, it is with a pained face all the time asking, what it do? One is going to have to quit. Understandably, no one was taken to advise in such a delicate situation. That's something we decided to go bowling. All the fun, it is laden, just missed his turn to throw the second. I went up to her, asking to bother: - Len, you throw is going? In response to my staring eyes full of sadness and the question was asked - But who of them?
Start an induction motor
It is the commercials in 1987-88 (do not remember exactly). Handed in our stream of one girl (the one-at-upenkaya) electrical engineering. Question - start induction motor. It is responsible (serrated crib): - ... on coil current flows, the engine begins to unfold. And our professor (named Roman - phlegm rare) asks: - Why is it unfolds? . She: - So in fact, uh-uh, talk ... comes! . He: - But ... on the light bulb, for example, the current also flows, but it is not deployed. She (think second) provides: - So ... uh-uh ... because it is on the thread !!! . .. Dumb (Roman glasses already removed). That's it.
What is sex?
In the late '80s, my daughter, who is now 22 years old, went to either the second, or the third grade. And if before in the physical education classes, they disguised themselves in class, but now, as a large, began to go to a special dressing room (of course separately for boys and girls). And once in the beginning of September, we were sitting with her in the evening together at the table, dinner. Then she asks innocently: - Dad, what is sex? I almost choked in surprise, but managed to take possession of them, and because he considered himself a liberal parent, not dismissed (supposedly sooner you another), and began to detail, carefully choosing his words, to explain to her "about it", proud of knowing their progressiveness. After half an hour and mekanya bekanya, with success, it seemed to me, ending his delicate mission, dare to ask: - And, actually, why do you ask? It is a damning answer: - Yes we exercise today was in the locker room and on the wall says: "Girls do not be afraid of sex - x # nd mouth delicious cake." And then add: - It is true that this "x d #" I do not know. I can not describe the whole range of feelings that I experienced during those seconds. From shock (I'm not a prude, he sometimes drink a great and mighty, but not when the same children, and to hear that from the mouth of my innocent angel ...) laughing Expander I (and I tried it!). Apparently noticing "something wrong" in my face, daughter, thank God, did not find out I have a value of the second unknown word. I quickly tried to round off a slippery situation, citing some pressing business.
Evgeniy Booth
It was a long time ago, even before the king of peas. I studied then at the Kharkov Aviation Institute. (Now probably have University or worse). And he was in the above named institute student theater, which led the teacher, whose name was Eugene Booth. One day, he suffered another rehearsal to another audience. Some of his students hung on the door of the corresponding declared: "E. Booth 427 in the audience." Apparently, a good theater was subsequently reached even to the KVN.
MORE Nicodemus!
It is in times of universal total deficit. Brought to the store toilet paper, and, as usual, gathered all sizes unprecedented ... They stand for more than an hour ... waiting for a mother with a child age 3 among all the crowd in line. Child, God's creation, the whole song is already rather tired, and he pulls the sleeve Mothers: - Ma-ma !!! Go home!!! Mother tries to calm the child of, and she begins to explain: - You cocoa every day? - Kaka !!! - Well, here, you also have to after pokakal, ass wipe something? What gets a decent response: - Mom !!! I promise you!!! I'm a big NO-DA-DA will not take a crap !!! The line lay.
+75 Celsius
It is a year since in 1995 in United Arab Emirates (in summer). A group of tourists was flying home from the airport of Al-Fujairah. The heat was then - 50-55 degrees. The plane was on the tarmac week and thoroughly warmed up (flight attendant when boarding the plane shown on submelting ceiling and said that the temperature in the cabin + 75 gr. Celsius). At the same time, as it turned out, the heat in the battery electrolyte boil. It was the prologue. Next, the following happened. When applied to the power takeoff denied basic radio side. it also knocked out - Reserve has been included. The plane has gained height. Since the route runs through Iran, the presence of radio on board is vital - like radar Iranians and no planes, no supporting himself on the radio, they just knock. Sit back, we can not - on board 14 tons of kerosene. It must either be drained into the Persian Gulf, or burn it, flying around. Next - the most juicy. The pilot decided to burn kerosene, so as not to get a fine for environmental pollution. To Arabs alarmed over our laps, the pilot decides by radar survey by keyboard code to notify the Aborigines of the reasons for their turns. But as he enjoyed that thing dtsat years ago, he scored code "Capture bead terrorists", twice ... Imagine the condition of the Arabs - fly itself "bird" three hours in circles, the relationship does not go, but still sends such messages ... In short, sent to intercept the two fighters and their pilots Shugan our overflights, and then when we got to the emergency, gave us a warm welcome with special forces, armored personnel carriers and a huge American - airport manager who shouted wildly at our pilots to learn what's the matter!!! Thank God, there were no shooting. And our tour was delayed for another day until we brought from Pulkovo ... a new station for the accuracy warrant, as a direct participant.
What do we stand for?
A few years ago, on March 7, we went to hang out with friends. Vecherina ended at 6 am. Excellent condition: early morning, 8 March, eaten in the evening promokashechka still reminds of itself, it is necessary to go to congratulate the better half of humanity. Boot into the car and slowly drive to the side of the market for flowers (open something not soon). Suddenly our driver stops in the middle of the road and is ... Naturally, the question arises: - What do we stand for? Replied calmly: - So the red light ... The man stopped in front of the fence with red lanterns used by road services ...
goat's milk
I rested with his family on the base near the Bohuslav. When I am going to my wife and I talked a lot about the goat milk, calling it a joke goat. We arrived. On Placis grandmother selling milk above. Match with my wife and the wife of inertia asks: - How much is a goat's milk? Ofigevshy grandmother decided that the city does sdureli and about half an hour proved to us that the goat is not milked. That's the story.
I - from anywhere!
It was in those days, when I was in school. In that year had the anniversary of an event, the life of me I do not remember what. On this occasion, ought to put some kind of theatrical propaganda action ideologically correct content. a list of "volunteer" was adopted, and it relied only sufferers but not least, a privilege - to be removed from school. Such an opportunity I could not miss, and therefore joined the rehearsal part. And then came the day of the performance. In the assembly hall abutting driven by unconsciousness students. It all started very solemnly, leading to read proscenium some pathetic poem, something about the Komsomol and Lenin is so young, and the young in October behind, and something of this series. At the end of the verse he was supposed to raise his voice and shout out invitingly: "Where are you ?! youth." In response, the rest of the troupe was to speak of the scenes where hiding all this time, and loudly say: "I - everywhere!". (The director thought it was gorgeous scenic course). And here comes the moment of release, I gain a deep breath and prepared to step. At this point, my classmate, crept up from behind, slightly raises me, thus giving a sickly progressive-aircraft momentum. If we take into account the fact that in those years I was a graceful lapwing, and the boy was fully physically developed, it is easy to imagine that as a result of this action I have taken off in the middle of the stage with a loud cry of "I - everywhere", and the rest of scoundrels were to choke laughter in the wings. The success was, of course, predetermined, I tore the applause, and the audience could not calm down for a long time. I then had a lyrical poem in the middle, but viewers could not tune in a desired way and constantly giggling. So I do not tear squeezed out of them in the evening.
shaggy stuff
I lived in our cat, sweet, affectionate animal. He had a one problem - for some reason he fancied himself a dog. He liked to lick his hands, drank only water from the toilet bowl, ate bones - just give, but also biting periodically. For this it is terrible husband did not like. So here it is in the bed (the cat, not the husband, the husband was already there) once climbed into the night, and modestly tried to nestle in the legs under a blanket. My husband, I must say, very restless sleep (you can say active). Mosque on the bed, kicking me, and constantly muttering. I'm already used to and do not pay attention, and the cat was a young, inexperienced. In short, when a husband has once again fought with an imaginary opponent and kicked the cat that frightened dog leaped genes and he courageously his teeth to her husband in the leg. I was awakened by the hysterical cries of a cat and a married growl. With difficulty expelling the cat beating in hysterics, and calming a crying baby, I returned to the field where she found her husband sitting in the bed. He looked Ochumelov eyes and spat at me. Through spitting I could hardly make out: `` What kind of furry stuff again you stuffed in my mouth? The most interesting thing in the morning that he did not remember nothing, and the cat for a long time it was impossible to lure us into bed.
Tape Vega
We studied (Vadim, Marat - my roommates and I) in the glorious Novosibirsk State. University. And then one evening, after purchasing the recorder, "Vega" (which at that time, given the student a scholarship, it was an extraordinary event) we went with friends talk "for life". Straight men such talk before bedtime, when everything lay down on their beds, and turned off the light. Topic of discussion - the first one of us to marry and that we have our future wife will love. - That is, Vadim our hardware, and dinner, in which case it shall prepare and hand gold ... In general - the perfect family man ... - And a talented Marat! The guitar as played, and the voice of God is not offended, well, just a dream any romantic girl! - Heaped praise on each other, we all ... It comes to me, and I'm already mentally schuryus lick and pleasure, expecting now and tell me something nice ... awkward silence hangs ... And then the voice of loyal Marat comforting speaks in the silence: - Do not worry, Max, but you have a tape recorder, "Vega" is! Curtain PS And the three of us I got married first. Now I have a wonderful wife and beautiful daughter Olga Nastya. So buy, citizens tape "Vega", and you have everything in life is good!