This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: jokes jokes stories funny

It was always interesting to tie the rope with one end to the door handle in the kitchen, and the other to the pot on the stove. Because the effect, as a rule, exceeded all expectations. So this time everything went at its best. Grandma no luck. The door jerked neighbor on a communal just at the moment when the water in the pot was already boiling. Of course, grandma screamed. But she still got off lightly - she only scalded her leg, and sea buckthorn oil in the fridge. - Zorka, fuck! - screamed grandmother. The fact that the grandmother will fuck, Zhorik did not doubt not a drop. What will happen this time, it was difficult to guess. But, probably, more serious than it was a week ago, when Zhora pulled off her neighbor’s underpants from a clothesline in the yard and put them in the pocket of his father's jacket. Zhora did not know that his father was supposed to receive an advance on that day and, accordingly, some mother’s hands on my father’s pockets. It is clear that the pants were fastened. Dad received from mom in the scoreboard with a meat grinder. In the eyes of neighbor Uncle Misha. Dad was drunk. In the kitchen, screaming radio. Uncle Misha shouted to his mother: - Valentine, you throw it! Need to understand! - Right now, I'll figure it out! I'll deal with both of you! And an ashtray flew into Uncle Misha. Zhora did not expect such a resonance. Would it be possible to assume that the old, washed-up neighbor's underwear would produce such an effect. That dad will get a meat grinder and that even Uncle Misha will be involved in hostilities. In general, when dad put her mother's head in a linen tank with water (not hot - therefore Zhora considered this episode to be somewhat unsuccessful), the grandmother intervened. - Bitch! - Dad yelled, - what did you do ?! Mom did not answer, but only gurgled from the tank. Grandma figured out with dad pretty quickly. So to say, without removing the pince-nez. Then mom and grandmother retired to the room, and dad and uncle Misha sat down in the kitchen to drink vodka. Zhora was already quite relaxed, and considered this series finished, when suddenly a roar of dad came from the kitchen: - Zorka! Gandon darned! Kill the dick! It seems, Dad, entered the situation ... Zhora did not have time to wash off. Dad beat for a long time and with gusto. He beat everyone that came to hand. Some subjects were familiar with Zhore, and some he knew for the first time. He disconnected only when Dad put Zhora iron. Maybe after the iron there was something else, but Zhora was no longer aware. As always, Grandma intervened. And then mom. They beat Dad and Uncle Misha for a long time. Uncle Misha was beaten because he tried to stand up for his father. At some point, the meat grinder went into operation again and the conflict resolved itself. Three days later Zhora oklemalsya and decided that the last feat surpassed everything that had been before and he needed rest. It was not worth waiting until Grandma smeared his leg with sea buckthorn and grabbed some drin, would mark in full. Therefore, Zhora quickly and imperceptibly ran into the street, where he walked until late in the evening. Come home unnoticed failed. In the kitchen dad kvass. - And, appeared, pizdyuk! What have you done with your grandmother today? Papin's fist described an arc in the air and sank down on his face. It was not worth waiting for the continuation, and Zhora rushed back to the street. The second time Zhora came home already late at night, when everyone was asleep. Zhora crept into the kitchen and opened the drawer cabinet. Here they are - sharp, shiny, big. Knives Zhore liked the knives very much. He could watch them for hours, stroking their blades and feeling the warmth of the arms. Handles were made of wood. Massive, which have already become dark brown from time to time, and so conveniently fit into the hand. There were four knives. With each of them Zhora had their own relationship. Most of all he liked the biggest one - with a huge blade and a split handle. He was something like a wounded soldier who would bleed to death, but would never surrender to the enemy. The educational moment that carried this knife had a greater impact on Zhora than all the patriotic posters that hung in the school and the House of Culture, and even, scary to say, films about the war. In addition to knives, there was one more thing that introduced Zhora to a state of light trance. The piety that Zhora had for this subject was incomparable even with knives. It was a thing that made my heart beat faster and my palms sweat. It was a meat grinder. The meat grinder Zhora was considered something of a symbol of power over the world. When the grandmother turned the minced meat on it, for the sake of such an occasion, Zhora could score on a trip to the cinema, which in itself happened rarely and was a holiday. The grandmother did not let the meat grinder turn, but for the time being, Zhora was completely satisfied with looking at the process of scrolling meat. But today there was a feeling that it was time. It's time to do it yourself. Meat in the house was not. But it did not matter. Cutting dad's throat was not difficult. However, like my mother's. It was enough of the middle knife. Жоре liked Dad's nose very much. He was big and gray. He really wanted to have the same. But his nose was obviously mother's - small, making him look like a sparrow. Without thinking twice, Zhora cut off his dad's nose and put it in his pocket. My mother liked his eyes. The left did not pick out for a long time, and then just flowed out like an egg. It was easier with the right, - the training on the left was not in vain, and he moved to Jora's other pocket. Uncle Misha! He almost forgot about Uncle Misha. Get into the room of a neighbor was not difficult. Uncle Misha slept on the bed without undressing and snoring softly. He was less than Dad and therefore Zhora used a small knife. In Uncle Misha Zhore did not like anything. Therefore, there were no souvenirs. There was a grandmother. Grandma was a big woman and the biggest knife went into action. I had to tinker for some time before my grandmother finally subsided. It remained to establish a meat grinder. He had seen how many times my grandmother or mother did it, so everything went quickly and without any technical problems. Having collected and screwed the meat grinder to the edge of the table, Zhora stepped back a couple of steps and for a long time admired this household object he was so excited with. Returning to the room, George began to cut off his grandmother's chest. Despite its considerable size, Zhora quickly coped and carried the bust of Babulin to the kitchen. The meat grinder handle spun easily, the knife was twisted and grandmother's breast slowly began to disappear in the mouth of the meat grinder. The first red mincemeal worms reached, almost soundlessly dropping into the bowl. Zhora smiled, sometimes stirring the meat in a bowl with a knife * * * We almost squandered our train, and somehow settled down, took out drinks and began to sour. Before leaving, I bought a bottle of port wine and caught the buzz, enjoying "Massandra." Dugdum and Prokhor blew the seventh Baltic. Before that, Prokhor had drank “Dagestan” with his brother, so he soon okosel and it seemed that today he could not do without bleach. On the grub, we did not think in any way. It’s good that I don’t understand Doshirak on the day of my arrival. Having begged boiling water and forks (!) From a conductor, they began to have a bite with this lousy brew. After a couple of hours, I ran out of port, Prokhor and Dugdum had a beer, and I remembered that I still had a bottle of vodka donated by Ruff. For some reason, nobody supported my initiative, everyone ached that they wanted to sleep, there was no snack, etc. etc. I did not want to sleep at all. I wanted to drink. I went to the vestibule and lit a cigarette. The train began to slow down and a conductor appeared in the vestibule. “You can't smoke here.” Are there any matches? With the last sentence, the conductor took out a cigarette. I silently handed him a lighter. He lit a cigarette and began to open the door. The train stopped. The frosty air, bursting into the stuffy vestibule, pleasantly invigorated. More wanted to drink. We finished our cigarettes and threw bulls on the platform. The train jerked and began to pick up. With a crash the conductor closed the door. There were screams from the other side. - Eh, grandmother overslept her passengers. I asked what that means. This meant the following: at this station, we were supposed to sit down with two passengers, who were awakened by some aunt in the waiting room. Aunt slept by herself. It happens. Wanted to drink even more. My message that there is a little white bubble and I have no one to crush it with, the conductor really liked, and he offered to move to him in the compartment. In addition, it turned out that he has a snack and you can smoke there. I took out a bottle, and he, for his part, had salads and bread. For some reason, on the table lay a complete kitchen set of knives. He poured half a glass and held out his hand to me. - Let's get acquainted. Jora.
Nuclear cake
The story, though not very funny, but true. Maybe someone does not know that in the city of Dubna there is the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research (JINR). In the summer of 1991, we underwent charges in the military unit of the air defense forces near the city of Kimry. And to celebrate the birthday of one of ours decided to buy a cake. We sit, have fun, eat a cake. Almost finished. Then I automatically take the box and read: "Cake is this, GOST No such. Manufacturer - JINR, Dubna". The cake is still eaten, but somehow sluggish.
Close the doors!
The story about the parrot system "Jaco". Nice bird, that is to say. In the early 90s, I accompanied my friend to the Emirates. As it turned out, forever. Bedouinite there today. He grabbed with him his old one (about 15 years old then already) and a very wise parrot, Jaco. But unfortunately, the brave, still Soviet, customs did not let the bird, rightly demanding a bunch of some veterinary and not very bookkeeping with stamps. Having wiped away a tear, he handed me this miracle with good wishes to protect, to love, to care, and to cherish. I brought this joy home. A day passes, two, a week. Silent wise bird, no gu-gu. He eats, drinks, moves around the apartment, but he doesn’t say anything, even if you burst. Then one day, almost a month later, I arrived for lunch, sitting in the kitchen and drinking tea. I hear the key turn in the door lock and the mother-in-law comes in - the cutest creature brought up in the novels of domestic and foreign classics (tell her "nafig" and she is already fainted) ... And then with the mezzanine, almost in her face with an unfamiliar and coarse male voice of my friend who left: - Close the door, bl # di,! Oh, # as it blows !!! P. s. More this wise owl said nothing. And his "plate" worked every time something opened: whether the door, window or window. Heat-loving was a scoundrel. And wise beyond his years.
Recently, the program "Duty Part" passed the following information: "... by the anti-organized crime control forces prevented the SHOT between two criminal groups ..." Next comes the story of how valiant riot policemen surrounded a cafe at night and all swept up. Further: “As a result of a search, a Brazilian-made pistol was found in one of the detainees ...” That is, one must assume that the most valiant OMON fighters had to assume the main party in the planned exchange of fire?
Bad marketing
Mogilyov, 86 year. Who remembers - the terrible height of the anti-alcohol company - people run around with axes, vineyards at the root, alcohol is the enemy of the person, therefore they don’t get it - around the line, the time of the trade points is limited ... In general, all is for the good of the person and in the name. .. I came from Ukraine to a familiar girl. I stand in a queue in a department store in the department of household chemicals for shaving cream - put myself in order. The line moves grandly, and suddenly an intelligent-looking man approaches the checkout, a solid one, wearing a suit and glasses, and a saleswoman: "Aknol" (window cleaner - alcohol)? Saleswoman replies "no." “And something inside?” The saleswoman was confused and hesitantly like that “I don’t know” ... A man utters the fundamental phrase: “You do not understand the demand of customers” and going to two comrades is doomed: “There is nothing”. One of his friends is saying such a pearl: "Petrovich, well, I told you, well, what kind of marketing do we have here for fucking ..."
Disgusting sounds
Odessa, 13th station of the Big Fountain, 2 o'clock in the afternoon. We lie with a girlfriend - she broke open under the sun, dozing off. I lay around and my ear cuts the sound of metal on glass from a nearby boat station. Someone methodically polishes a glass cutter for the beach season. Pretty turning, I say: - Oksanka, do you hear? She answers inarticulate mm. Like, well, why do you distract me by such trifles? And I am trying to talk to me and I persistently continue: - Oksanka, do you hear any disgusting sounds? Are you sleeping? Oksanka, I say the sounds disgusting. In the end I got her, she lifts herself up and replies: - And you shut your mouth and the disgusting sounds will stop. While I was thinking what to say (closing my mouth of course for this time), the sounds REALLY STOPPED. A curtain. And you say an accident, no fate.
Gram ten squirrel
At the sunset of the Soviet Authority, some research institutes needed some amount of some very clever protein with a difficult to pronounce name for the experiments. Unfortunately, in the whole USSR; as well as in the fraternal countries of the socialist camp no one produced this filth; and it was possible to get it only from the Most Main Burzhuinov in America. But - nothing to do, must be ordered. - How much do you need? - Well, 10 grams ... Well, a maximum of 20 - with a non-measured supply ... Well, 20 is 20 ... However, it turned out that there is no less than 500 grams packaging from a company producing this substance. - Fuck it, let them send 500 ... They handed over the order "by instances" ... And the order went to roam from the ministry to the ministry; overgrown with signatures and seals ... In short, after a certain amount of time (when everyone had already decided that their parcel was finally and irrevocably lost somewhere between the States and the USSR) - a call from the port: - Well, when will you arrive for your fucking cargo - at us the SHIP is idle !!! After otpaivaniya nachlab together with the director of the Research Institute of Valerian began to "make inquiries"; and it turned out that at the next iteration in one of the ministries, some very competent bureaucrat decided that the order was, well, clearly a typo; and ferried "500 g (ram)" to "500 t (onn)" ... Z. S. The American company that produced this crap, also ofigel slightly, received a similar order; since its annual production was something like 100 tons, no more. But, as long as the Client orders, moreover, he pays money - they have made an effort, and they have made ...
Towel and umbrella
In my dorm room there are two cloves on the door, on which a towel hangs comfortably and, when the weather is inclement, an umbrella. One unusually early in the morning I got up (with difficulty), on autopilot I collected toiletries and went into the shower. Towards a neighbor: - Where are you? I'm gonna take a shower. - Why with an umbrella ?! It turns out that I grabbed the first thing that came to hand from the studs. And I got it - an umbrella instead of a towel.
Monkey dad
I can not tolerate zoos - the animals are very sorry. But then my friend won me over - she says they did a cool monkey, and the macaques are so funny, in general, let's go see. Indeed - all tip-top, monkeys are different very funny, active. Each in the cage sawdust poured and various fruits are scattered everywhere. Suddenly I look - the monkey dad is preoccupied with so worn around the cage, shakes up the mountains of sawdust, is clearly looking for a delicious piece of stitched, and does not find it (probably due to the abundance of offspring). Here a couple comes up to the aviary - a man obviously with a good hangover. They look at the poor monkey for a long time and the peasant gives out: - Look, as if Lech and drunk are looking for car keys! A curtain.
Greed is ruined
The driver of the truck with the trailer performed the next flight. Carried brick. Upon arrival in Moscow, he calls in the office to get the money. Having received the due amount, he was about to leave, but then it seemed to him a little and he decided to bargain and ask himself as much again. He turned around and went back to the office. Money, of course, he claimed, but at this time the following happened. Going to the office, the carrier forgot to put the car on the handbrake (a truck with a trailer, loaded with several thousand bricks !!!). Naturally, the car rolled and drove backwards into the ditch. Along the way, she touched the fence next to the standing parking lot. The fence fell and touched a lamppost. From the pillar a lamp fell right on the road. The road was small and the car on it almost did not go. But just at that very moment, a traffic cop in her Zhiguli was driving along it. The lamp fell right in front of his car, he got scared, braked sharply and drove into some kind of ditch. As a result, he broke his knee. By that time, the carrier got his money in the office and went outside. A traffic cop was already hurrying to him with a broken knee. The result was as follows. A traffic cop took all the cash from the carrier, including the money he had just received in the office. The office has withdrawn from the driver’s salary the amount spent on repairing the fence of the paid parking. The driver himself all night manually (!!!) first unloaded the bricks from the trailer (with a brick it could not be pulled out of the ditch) and then loaded them back. He dragged several thousand bricks on his hump.
Swede in Finnish bus
We believe that the Finns are silent and gloomy people. But recently my wife (she is Finnish) witnessed an interesting scene. Metro in Helsinki. Normal day, normal full car passengers. At the station "Kulosaari", which is in a very prestigious area of ​​the city, a magnificent lady of balsac age enters the car and sits in front of a young girl of a very punk look. The girl quietly misses, and the lady is quite loudly taken to be outraged by her defiant look with a dress and a strange hairstyle of orange shades. The girl does not pay attention and maintains complete calmness. The lady does not calm down and continues verbal attacks on young people. An important detail: the lady is clearly Swedish. And the Finns have a traditional attitude towards fellow citizens of Swedish origin, as if to say softer, well, so jealous. Further, the controller appears in the car, all prepared tickets. And here comes the unexpected. A girl who retained absolute calm with a swift, deft movement snatches her ticket from the Swedish lady and, in front of her companions, eats it! Still keeping a calm face. In the meantime, the controller is approaching the stunned lady. The lady is confused in words and tries to explain that this soplyushka of her ticket has just been swallowed. The supervisor listens and imperturbably states that she has never heard a more delusional statement. And declares a hapless lady a fine. The lady looks at her fellow travelers hopefully. All keep the Olympic calm. This is in Finland, where a dozen vigilant citizens will immediately strike the police on any petty trespasser! The lady pays a fine. A curtain.
Wash there what you need!
A girl from the village entered the institute in Moscow. Nice, but simple. And at one point she ran out of financial savings (well, it can happen to everyone)! I talked with friends - I want to earn some extra money. They say to her: go outside in the evening (for example, to the three railway stations), get up and wait. If someone stops - say that you want to earn some money and that’s it! It stands by the road, the car stops, dudes ask what type are you standing for? I want to earn some extra money! Ah, well, then come with us! They put her in the car and brought her to the hut, and there were eight more people! Drink, walk. They say to her - go to the bath and wash it there! She closed there and did not have it for half an hour, 40 minutes, after an hour's absence she was tired of waiting - they were knocking. The door opens and the guys ohrenevuyut: a combined bathroom is completed to mirror shine! She washed EVERYTHING! Even more!
Waste-free production
He was on a business trip in Kiev. I'm driving to the airport in the evening by taxi, asking the taxi driver questions like: “What is this? And this? .. And what is written here? Almost before leaving the city, the taxi driver points to the right: - But the 4-storey building is the Police Academy. I look in the direction, I see several houses, one - obviously some kind of small factory (the pipe sticks out). I ask: - Is this - with a pipe? Drove: - No, to the left. And the fact that with a pipe is an incinerator. That's what I understand - waste-free production ...
Carnations for Mom
I decided to visit my friend - she has night duty at the hospital, God himself ordered to drink a cup of beer before that. The first-grader child from school was picked up by a nanny. He immediately says to her, saying that mom is finally around, so I want to give her a surprise - to buy flowers, and the school money is not accidentally spent, it means there is something for it. The nanny, proud of such a turn, leads him to the nearest metro station, where these flowers are sold. On the way, the child is actively enjoying life, in a mud and puddles acquiring a healthy glow and a somewhat bomzhevaty appearance. Then he asks the nanny not to interfere in the process, because there is money, he knows how to read the price tags, he also wants to fold the flowers himself, only himself. Having stuck for some time with the nose to the shop window and having collected the necessary amount of small things in the pockets - chop it in ruby, the cub comes up to the saleswoman. “Please give me one red pink and one yellow.” - And what is the third? - I need TWO, red and yellow - And for whom are these flowers? - Mom in the hospital, and I buy her flowers. Here, exactly 24 rubles! (Only a trifle ...) Heavy female tears are wrapped around her aunt's face. A child, a spill, an orphan, a spill, we ourselves are not local, a spill, on the wagons a trifle, flowers for mother, to the hospital, two-aa ... They gave him the third clove for free, and they also treated me with cookies. On the way back, the child explained for a long time that it was such a marketing device - you pay for two, give three, only it would be better to give a hamburger with a toy instead of cookies; the nurse quietly grunted with laughter, and the cookies were fed to the dog.
Caesar in a skirt
The head of our department is a strict man and always correct in expressions. She does her work leisurely, with feeling, sensibly, with constellation. However, yesterday, when we were in a hurry to finish the next report, many different cases fell on her, which added to her something similar to Julius Caesar. Imagine a woman who with her left hand presses a handset to her ear, fills out documents with her right hand, while explaining something to a new employee and looking at the long list of upcoming assignments ... And now another employee comes up to her asking to overhaul the Xerox repair. To this, this venerable lady responds to our amazement: - You know, if I put a mop in my ass, I will wash the floors too! .. The office was announced with a roar of laughter ...
Primitive person
I worked at one time in a small hospital, located next to a small psychiatric hospital. Because of this, we, the therapists, did not have any difficulties with consulting our generally healthy psychiatric patients ... I have long forgotten both the patient's name and the essence of its constant claims to us, but I remember that the psychiatrist We called for the establishment of "the ultimate truth", after an hour-long conversation with this scandalous aunt, wiping sweat from her face, wrote down the following phrase in her medical history: "Diagnosis: the attributive behavior of a primitive person." For timid questions from us - fellow psychiatrists - about what, actually, this phrase means, this doctor, continuing to breathe heavily and wipe the sweat, exhaled: "Well, she is a fool, just a fool! I see!" Phrase about "primitive person "has since entered the annals of our clinic ...
Unusual castration
A familiar peasant told me - I don’t know if this is true, but for what I bought, I sell for that ... He had a sad, but urgent need for him to be neutered. And the vet is the closest - you need to go for a lot of kilometers by car. Well, he called his son for help, he rolled on his Bobby, and they began to go for the procedure. And that cat, in principle, didn’t like to drive in cars (an animal - what you will take from it), or felt it with my gut that the last joy in his life was taken away from him - but he was excited to the extreme, he was running around the apartment, he wasn’t given. In the end, he huddled under his favorite cupboard and didn't seem to have a nose. Well, they took the poor fellow from his last refuge, wrapped him in some kind of rag so as not to kick, and got into the car. Just started the engine - the beast rushed out of its last strength, got out of the rag and let's run along the walls of the cabin, caught it again. In general, when they got to the place of execution, the nerves of everyone, and not only the cat, were exhausted to the limit, and the arms, legs, and other body parts of the men were thoroughly clawed, so that they kept the experimental hands - away from yourself, mean. Okay, the experienced doctor got caught, and the whole procedure took a few minutes. But, since operations of this kind are not done under general, but only under local anesthesia, the cat's nerves obviously did not calm down, and when he was carefully carried out with his outstretched hands out of the operating room, he jerked, rushed, slipped out of the rag, and disappeared behind by the door. Well, of course, they are yelling at the culprit - Cho, they say, so-and-so, missed the animal, so now you catch it. What should I do? Let's go catch. We walked for a while wandering around the neighborhood, finally they see some kind of cat peeking out from under a bush. After a small military operation, it was captured and, after a thorough examination of the color and the presence of organs chopped off by a surgeon’s knife, was recognized as its own. The road back passed without any special adventures; at home the cat immediately huddled under its favorite closet and did not show for several days from there. Finally came to his senses, began to slowly get out of the shelter, and, in the end, life began to flow in the usual way. A few months later, the "cat" ... lambed. Cat it turned out. Completely extraneous. So now that peasant knows the passage and does not give - everyone is asked to tell how this cat instead of cut eggs n ... have they managed to sew?
Same set
I have a twin brother - although no longer small, we dress in the same style, a suit, well, in general, strangers may be confused. All sorts of stories happen. But the day before yesterday, damn, already laughing themselves. In the evening, brother calls: - Come, sit, eat vodka. Agreed He lives in the suburbs, and I am in the city. After work, my wife took home from work, let's go. When leaving the city a small shop - recently opened. I go in, take a bottle of vodka, drink Coke, chocolate for my brother's daughter, beer just in case, a jar of cucumbers - again, a snack! Go. Brother arrived about five minutes later. I look - he has the same set of products! I say: I hope I took the wrong store? He says: in the same! And they presented a picture with the eyes of a saleswoman: the boy had just bought something, left, changed clothes, got into another car, arrived and bought the same thing again! Hmmm ...
New mouse
I come to work and see - on the computer the mouse is new. Well, nicely, tram-pam-pam, etc. But now the chief just came in and asked: - Did you notice, did I change your mouse? - Well, yes, I noticed ... - How does it work normally? - Yes, it seems everything is fine. - Well, well, otherwise it didn’t work for me, _ I put it to you (!), And took yours.
I'll kill you, daddy!
- Take the cheese! “I don't need cheese,” I came to visit my dad to take custody of the apartment while he was away. My father was away on a business trip for three weeks and now he was trying to overload the contents of the refrigerator into my bag. - Look, what a piece, natural Parmesan. Here you will cut it off and you can rub it in macaroni, - dad knocked a moldy piece of Kostroma cheese on the table. - I do not eat pasta, how many times to tell you. “Good, eat it with tea.” I sighed and threw the cheese into my bag. - That's half a zucchini and two carrots. “Dad, I don't need a carrot, and I don't need a zucchini.” - How is this zucchini not needed? - Dad was amazed, - you eat vegetables? And this is almost a new zucchini, I bought it two days ago. I sighed again: “Give me your zucchini here,” and into the bag lay a flaccid vegetable, covered with carrots on top. - Do not pick and choose, I will not be home for three weeks, why should such wealth disappear? If I offered caviar, I think you would not be very picky. - Why empty talk? Offer me caviar. Dad saddened: - I ate caviar, - and cowardly he changed the subject, - but the bag with kefir. - Dad! The package is open, where did you put it!? My makeup is there! - It's okay to dry. Why do you carry cosmetics in a grocery bag? “Until today, she was not a grocery,” I was upset and began to take my things out of the bag. Most of the kefir has already poured out and hopelessly stained the contents. “You give the bones to the dog.” - I do not have a dog! - I was desperately trying to save something on which there was no kefir divorce yet. - In the yard near the garbage you will find Sharik, just see that there are no other dogs around. If will, drive away, they offend Sharik. And do not confuse him with Jack, they are one litter, but Jack's face is more arrogant. And I put onions to you, you see, the half is left, I have a little basement, it is better to eat it today. - I'll kill you, daddy! “Yes, the daughter should love her father,” papa did not listen to me, “come on, your personal belongings, I will put them in a bag, and I will wash the bag, then take it.” Products put in another package. “Dad, what is it?” I took out a refrigerator with a bag of whitish grains similar to large rice. - It's maggots. - What?! - Well, the larvae, from which the flies hatch, for fishing. Do you need them? I shuddered, the bag fell out of my hands and flew off under the table. - Why did you have enough then? - Dad grumbled from under the table, pulling out his personal icons, - I'd rather give them to my neighbor. I washed my hands and carefully began to scoop another bundle out of the refrigerator: “What is this?” “I don’t know,” Dad wondered, “it smells.” - Does not smell, but stinks. Didn't you have a roquefort refrigerator? - Whom ?! - So, it was not - and the package with the mysterious contents went into the trash. - And here is a bagel! - Dad showed me a bread ring, lightly sprinkled with poppy seeds, and suddenly got embarrassed, - don't you think, he's not bitten, I broke off a piece when he was soft. You put it in a frying pan, heat it, and then eat butter with coffee. Vuuuusno! - and he rolled his eyes, and it seemed to him, imperceptibly, put the bagel in the bag. Then he also imperceptibly stuffed an old one, five green potatoes, in the bag, and even tried to pour the old brew into the beer bottle. Finally, we kissed, in the corridor, I picked up the bag and tiptoed to half a floor above. There she opened the garbage chute and, turning away so as not to inhale the offensive fumes, she stuffed the bag into an iron pipe. In the garbage bin thundered, the bag burst and with a crash fell down with its contents. Suddenly a key turned in the lock of our door, and daddy went to the landing. - What are you doing there? Lost? Well, that has not left, you forgot the grocery bag. And took your makeup?