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My Blog: jokes funny jokes

It was always interesting to tie the rope with one end to the handle of the door to the kitchen, and the other to the pan standing on the stove. Because the effect, as a rule, exceeded all expectations. Here and this time everything went in the best possible way. Grandma was not lucky. The door jerked the neighbor on the communal flat just at the moment when the water in the pan had already begun to boil. Of course, my grandmother screamed. But it was still easy to get rid of - scalded only the leg, in addition to the refrigerator was sea buckthorn oil. - Жорка, fuck! - shouted the grandmother. The fact that his grandmother vyebet, Zhorik did not doubt a drop. What will happen at this time, it was difficult to guess. But, probably, more serious than it was a week ago, when Zhora pulled off his neighbor's underwear from the clothesline and put them in the pocket of his father's jacket. Zhora did not know that the Pope had to receive an advance on that day, and, accordingly, a certain number of her mother's hands on her father's pockets. It is clear that the panties were booked. Dad received from the mother in the scoreboard meat grinder. In front of his neighbor, Uncle Misha. Daddy was drunk. The kitchen was screaming at the radio. Uncle Misha cried to his mother: "Valentina, you drop it!" It is necessary to understand! - Right now, I'll handle it! I will deal with both of you! And an ashtray flew to Uncle Misha. Such a resonance Zhor did not expect. Is it possible to assume that the old washed-up panties neighbor will produce such an effect. That the pope will get a meat grinder and that even Uncle Misha will be involved in military operations. In general, when my father put his head in the linen tank with water (not hot - therefore, this episode Zhora considered somewhat unsuccessful), my grandmother interfered. - Bitch! - shouted Dad, - what did you do ?! Mom did not answer, but only gurgled from the tank. Grandmother figured with Dad pretty quickly. So to speak, without taking off your pince-nez. Then my mother and grandmother retired to the room, and my father and uncle Misha settled in the kitchen to drink vodka. Zhora was already quite relaxed, and he considered this series over, when suddenly a daddy's roar from the kitchen came: "Zhorka!" Gandon darned! I'll fuck you! It seems, Dad, drove into the situation ... Zhora did not have time to wash himself off. Dad beat for a long time and with ecstasy. Beat everything that came to hand. Some of the items were familiar to Jaura, and some he knew for the first time. He disconnected only when the pope put the iron on the iron. Maybe after the iron was something else, but Zhora was no longer aware. As always, my grandmother stepped in. And then my mother. They beat Papa and Uncle Misha for a long time. Uncle Misha was beaten because he tried to intercede for the pope. At some point, the meat mincer once again went into action and the conflict resolved itself. Three days later Zhora stopped and decided that the last feat had surpassed everything that had been before and he needed rest. It was not worth waiting for Grandma to spread a leg of seabuckthorn and grabbing some drunk, scratching it in the full program. Therefore, ZHora quickly and imperceptibly fled to the street, where he stalked until late in the evening. It was not possible to go home unnoticed. In the kitchen sour dad. - Ah, I came, a pussy! What did you do with the grandmother today? Papin's fist described an arc in the air and sank to Jorino's face. It was not necessary to wait for the continuation, and Zhora broke back into the street. The second time Zhora came home already late at night, when everyone was already sleeping. Zhora crept into the kitchen and pulled out a drawer of the cupboard. Here they are - sharp, shiny, big. Knives. Jore liked knives very much. He could watch them for hours, stroking their blades and feeling the warmth of the handles. Handles were made of wood. Massive, which have become from time to time dark brown, and so comfortably lying in the hand. The knives were four. With each of them, Zhora had her own relationship. Most of all he liked the biggest - with a huge blade and a split handle. He was something like a wounded soldier who would bleed, but he would never surrender to the enemy. The educational moment that this knife carried was much more influential on Zhora than all the patriotic posters that hung in the school and the House of Culture, and even, frightfully, movies about the war. In addition to the knives, there was one more thing that introduced Zhora into a state of trance. The piety that Zhora had for this object was incomparable even with knives. It was a gizmo that made my heart beat faster, and my palms sweat. It was a meat grinder. Zhora's meat grinder was considered something of a symbol of power over the world. When my grandmother twisted minced meat on her, Zhora could have scored for the occasion in the movie, which in and of itself was rare and was a holiday. Granny did not give a spin to the meat grinder, but Zhora was quite satisfied with looking at the process of scrolling the meat. But today there was a feeling that it was time. It's time to do it yourself. There was no meat in the house. But it did not matter. Cutting Papa's throat was not difficult. However, like mother's. The middle knife was enough. Zhora really liked Papin's nose. He was big and gray. He really wanted that he had the same. But his nose was clearly my mother's - small, making him look like a sparrow. Without thinking twice, Zhora cut off Dad's nose and put it in his pocket. Mom liked his eyes. Left for a long time did not pick out, and then just emerged as an egg. With the right it was easier - training on the left did not go in vain, and he migrated to another pocket of Zhora. Uncle Misha! He almost forgot about Uncle Misha. To penetrate into the neighbor's room was not difficult. Uncle Misha slept on the bed without undressing and snoring softly. He was smaller than Dad and therefore Zhora used a small knife. Uncle Misha Zhora did not like anything. Therefore, there were no souvenirs. There was a grandmother. Grandmother was a big woman and the biggest knife went to use. It took some time to tinker before the grandmother finally calmed down. It remained to install the meat grinder. He saw many times how it was done by my grandmother or mother, so everything went quickly and without technical problems. Gathering and screwing the meat grinder to the edge of the table, Zhora walked away a couple of steps back and long admired this so worried about his everyday life. Returning to the room, Zhora began to cut off his grandmother's breast. Despite the considerable size, Zhora quickly coped and bore a granny bust in the kitchen. The handle of the meat grinder twisted easily, the knife turned and the grandmother's breast began to slowly disappear in the throat of the meat grinder. The first red worms of mince were used, almost silently falling into a bowl. ZHora smiled, sometimes stirring the meat in a bowl with a knife * * * We nearly fucked our train, and somehow got settled, took out drinks and began to sour. Before leaving, I bought a bottle of port and caught a buzz, enjoying "Massandra." Dugdum and Prokhor blew the seventh "Baltika". Prokhor before this drank with his brother, "Dagestan", so soon it was okay and it seemed that without the booze today, Lyokha will not do. We did not think about grubbing in any way. It's good that I "Doshiraka" do not understand why I bought it on the day of my arrival. Wagging at the conductor boiling water and forks (!), They began to eat this fucking brew. After a couple of hours, I finished the port, Prokhor and Dugdum had beer and I remembered that I still have a bottle of vodka, donated by Yershom. For some reason my initiative was not supported by anyone, everyone was bored, they wanted to sleep, there were no snacks, etc. etc. I did not want to sleep at all. I wanted to drink. I went out into the hall and lit a cigarette. The train began to slow down and a guide appeared in the tambour. "You can not smoke here." Are there any matches? With the last phrase the conductor took out a cigarette. I silently handed him the lighter. He lit a cigarette and started to open the door. The train stopped. The frosty air that burst into the stuffy vestibule was pleasantly cheerful. I even wanted to drink more. We finished the cigarettes and threw the bulls on the platform. The train jerked and began to pick up. The conductor closed the door with a roar. Cries were heard from the other side. "Oh, my grandmother slept through her passengers." I asked what it meant. It meant the following - at this station two passengers were supposed to sit by us, whom some aunt had to wake up in the waiting room. The aunt slept herself. It happens. I wanted to drink even more. My message that there is a white bladder and I do not have anyone to crush it with, the conductor liked it very much, and he suggested moving to him in the compartment. In addition, it turned out that he has an appetizer and there you can smoke. I took out a bottle, and he for his part made salads and bread. On the table for some reason lay a full kitchen set of knives. He poured half a glass and held out his hand to me. - Let's get acquainted. Zhora.
Nuclear cake
History, though not very funny, but true. Maybe, who does not know that in the city of Dubna there is a Joint Institute for Nuclear Research (JINR). In the summer of 1991, we were in charge of the air defense troops near the city of Kimry. And so, to celebrate the birthday of one of our people, we decided to buy a cake. We sit, have fun, eat cake. Almost finished already. Then I mechanically take the box and read: "The cake is so-and-so, GOST No-what-the producer - JINR, Dubna." The cake was eaten up, but somehow sluggish.
Close the doors!
The story of the parrot system "Jaco". A glorious bird, to be sure. In the early 90's I accompanied my friend to the Emirates. As it turned out, forever. The Bedouinite is still there. He took with him his old one (about 15 years ago he was already there) and a very wise parrot is hot. But for the sake of brave, even Soviet, customs did not let the bird, rightly demanding a bunch of some veterinary and not very paper with stamped seals. Having wiped away a tear, he handed me this miracle with farewell to cherish, love, cherish and cherish. I brought this home joy. The day passes, two, a week. Silent bird, not gu-gu. Eats, drinks, moves around the apartment, but does not say anything, even if you crack. And then one day, almost a month later, I came to dinner, I sit in the kitchen and drink tea. I hear the key turning in the door lock and the mother-in-law is coming in - the most charming creature brought up on the novels of Russian and foreign classics (tell her "nafig" and she is already in a swoon) ... And then with the mezzanine, almost in her face unfamiliar and rude manly voice my departed friend: - Close, bl, #di, doors! Oh # em like blowing !!! R. s. This wise owl did not say anything else. And his "plate" worked every time something opened: the door, window or window. The heat-loving was a scoundrel. And wise beyond the years.
Recently, the following information was broadcast in the "Duty Part" program: "... the forces of the Department for Combating Organized Crime prevented a CROSS-CUT between two criminal groups ..." Next comes the story of how the valiant OMON soldiers surrounded a cafe in the middle of the night all were swept up. Further: "As a result of a search, one of the detainees found a Brazilian-made pistol ..." That is, we must assume that the most valiant fighters of the riot police were supposed to take over the main party in the planned shootout.
Bad Marketing
Mogilev, 86 year. Who remembers - the terrible heat of the anti-alcohol company - the people with axes running around, vineyards under the root, alcohol - the enemy of man, so not get it - around the line, the time of trading points is limited ... In general, everything is for the good of man and in the name. .. I came from Ukraine to a friend girl. I'm standing in line at the department store in the department of household chemistry for shaving cream - to put myself in order. The queue is moving with pride, and all of a sudden, an intelligent man comes up to the cashier, a handsome man, dressed in a suit and glasses, and to the saleswoman: "Is there an acne" (a window cleaner for alcohol)? The saleswoman replies "No". "The seller was confused and uncertainly" I do not know "... The peasant utters the fundamental phrase:" You are studying the demand of buyers badly "and going to two co-comrades doomed:" There is nothing. " One of his friends says such a pearl: "Petrovich, well, I told you, well, what kind of marketing do we have here ..."
Disgusting sounds
Odessa, 13th station of the Big Fountain, 2 pm. We lie with a friend - she is razomlela under the sun, naps. I lie around and my ear cuts the sound of metal on the glass from the nearby boat station. Someone methodically polishes a glass katerka for the beach season. Quite a few turns, I said: - Oksanka, you hear? She answers inarticulate MMM. Type, well, why are you so distracted by me. And he tries to talk to me and I persistently continue: - Oksanka, do you hear any disgusting sounds? Are you sleeping? Oksanka, I say the sounds are disgusting. In the end, I got it, she rises and answers: - And you close your mouth and disgusting sounds will stop. While I thought that the answer (closing of course for this time mouth) - the sounds REALLY STOPPED. A curtain. And you say randomness, there is no fate.
Gram ten protein
At the decline of the Soviet Government, some scientific research institute needed a certain amount of some particularly cunning protein with a hard-to-pronounce name for experiments. On trouble, in the whole of the USSR; and also in the fraternal countries of the socialist camp, no one produced this muck; and you could get it only from the Most Prime Burzhuins in America. But - there is nothing to do, it is necessary to order. - How much do you need? - Well, gram 10 ... Well, maximum, 20 - with nemeryanym stock ... Well, 20 so 20 ... However it turned out that the company that produced this substance, packages less than 500 grams does not happen. - Fuck with him, let them send 500 ... They handed over the order "by the authorities" ... And the order went to wander from the ministry to the ministry; drawing signatures and seals ... In short, after an unlimited amount of time (when everyone has already decided that their postal packet was finally and irrevocably lost somewhere in between the States and the USSR) - a call from the port: - Well, when you come for your fucking cargo - At us the SHIP is idle !!! After soldering, Nachalab, together with the director of the scientific research institute of valerian, began to "make inquiries"; and it turned out that at the next iteration in one of the ministries some very clever cronus decided that in the order - well, obviously a misprint; and forwarded "500 grams (rumm)" to "500 t (onn)" ... Z. Y. The American firm that produced this muck, also slightly ofigela, received a similar order; since its annual production was something like tons of 100, no more. But, as soon as the customer orders, and even pays money - they have tightened up, and made ...
Towel and umbrella
At my dorm at the door - two carnations on which a towel is comfortable and when the weather is rainy, an umbrella. One unusually early morning I got up (with difficulty), on autopilot collected toiletries and went to the shower. Towards the neighbor: - Where are you going? I'm gonna take a shower. - And why with an umbrella ?! It turns out that I grabbed the first thing from the carnations that came to hand. And I got caught - an umbrella instead of a towel.
Monkey Dad
I hate zoos-animals are very pitiful. But then my girlfriend tricked me - says a cool monkey did, and macaques are so funny, in general, they went to see. Indeed - all the type-top, monkeys are very different, even fun, active. Everyone in the cage has sawdust poured and various fruits are lying around everywhere. Suddenly I look - monkey dad anxious so worn around the cage, shakes the mountains of sawdust, obviously looking for a delicious zanykanny piece, and does not find (probably because of the abundance of offspring). Here, a couple approaches to the enclosure - the man is clearly with a good hangover. They look at the poor monkey for a long time and the peasant gives out: "Look, as if Lech is looking for the keys to the car with drunkards!" A curtain.
Greed has ruined
The driver of the lorry with the trailer was carrying out the next flight. Brought a brick. Upon arrival in Moscow, he calls at the office to receive money. Having received the due sum, he was already going to leave, but here it seemed to him a little and he decided to bargain and demand to himself as much as. He turned around and went back to the office. He demanded money, of course, but at that time the following happened. Going to the office, the driver forgot to put the car on the handbrake (truck with a trailer, loaded with several thousand bricks !!!). Naturally, the car rolled and backed into the ditch. Along the way, she touched the fence next to a standing parking lot. The fence fell and touched the lamppost. A lamp fell from the post to the road. The road was small and cars on it practically did not go. But just at that very moment a traffic policeman was driving along the Zhiguli. The lamp fell right in front of his car, he was frightened, braked sharply and drove into a ditch. As a result, I broke my knee. By that time the driver had received his money in the office and was going outside. The traffic cop was already hurrying to him with a broken knee. The result was the following. The traffic cop took away all the cash from the driver, including those that he had just received at the office. The office withdrew from the driver's salary the amount spent on repairing the fence of the paid parking lot. The driver himself all night manually (!!!) first unloaded bricks from the trailer (with a brick it could not be pulled out of the ditch) and then loaded them back. I dragged several thousand bricks on my hump.
Swede in the Finnish bus
We believe that Finns - people are silent and sullen. But recently my wife (she is Finnish) has witnessed an interesting scene. Metro in Helsinki. Normal day, a normal full carriage of passengers. At the station "Kulosaari", which is in a very prestigious area of ​​the city, a magnificent lady of Balzac's age enters the car and sits opposite a young girl of very punk appearance. The girl is quietly bored, and the lady is loud enough to take offense at her provocative outfit and a strange orange hairdo. The girl does not pay attention and keeps complete equanimity. The lady does not calm down and continues verbal attacks on the youth. An important detail: the lady is clearly Swedish. And the Finns have a traditional attitude towards fellow-citizens of Swedish origin, as if to say softer, well, jealous that. Next, the controller appears in the car, all the tickets have been prepared. And here comes the unexpected. The girl, who was absolutely calm, quickly grabs a ticket from the Swedish lady and, in front of fellow travelers, eats it out! Still keeping calm on the face. To the dumbfounded lady in the meantime the controller comes. The lady is confused in words and tries to explain that this scotch her ticket just swallowed. The controller listens and unabashedly declares that she has never heard a more delusional statement. And announces an unlucky lady a fine. The lady looks hopefully at the fellow travelers. Everyone keeps an Olympic calm. This is in Finland, where a good dozen vigilant citizens will immediately snitch at any petty offender of public order! The lady pays a fine. A curtain.
Wash it right there!
A girl from the village entered a college in Moscow. Cute, but simple. And at one point, she ran out of financial savings (well, this can happen to everyone)! I talked to friends - I want to earn some money. They tell her: go to the street in the evening (for example, to three stations), get up and wait. If someone stops - say that you want to earn extra money and that's all! It's standing by the road, the car stops, the dudes ask what type you're standing? I want to earn some money! Ah, well, then let's go with us! They put her in a car and brought her to her house, and there are eight more! They drink, they walk. They say to her - go to the bath and wash it right there! It was closed there and there is no half an hour, 40 minutes, after an hour's absence, tired of waiting - knock. The door opens and the dudes ohrenevayut: the combined bathroom is CONCERNED TO THE MIRROR SHINE! She washed EVERYTHING! Even more!
Wasteless production
Was on a business trip in Kiev. I'm going to the airport in a taxi in the evening, I ask the taxi driver questions like: - What's this? And this? .. And what is written here? Almost before leaving the city, the taxi driver shows to the right: - But this 4-storey building is the Militia Academy. I look in a direction, I see some houses, one - obviously any factory (the pipe sticks out). I asked: "Is this with a pipe?" I drove: - No, to the left. And the fact that the pipe - it's an incineration plant. This is what I understand - non-waste production ...
Carnations for mom
Decided to visit her friend - she had night duty in the hospital, God himself told me to drink before a cup of beer. The child was taken from the school by the nurse. He immediately tells her that they do not have a mother near her at all, so I want to surprise her - buy flowers, and school money is not accidentally spent, that means there is something. Proud of such a turn the nurse takes him to the nearest metro, where these flowers are sold. On the way the child is actively enjoying life, in a mud and puddles acquiring a healthy blush and a somewhat vagabond look. Further, he asks the nanny to not interfere in the process, because he has money, he knows how to read the price tags, he also wants to add flowers and choose flowers himself, only himself. Clinging for a while with his nose to the display case and typing the right amount of trifles on the pockets - a rub in the rug, the cub approaches the saleswoman. "Please give me one red carnation and one yellow." "What's the third?" - I need two, red and yellow - And for whom are these flowers? "Mom is in the hospital, and I buy her flowers." Here, exactly 24 rubles! (exceptionally small thing ...) On the face of auntie, heavy women's tears are piled up. A child, a squish, an orphan, a whore, we ourselves are not local, a whore, a trifle, a mom for flowers, a hospital, two-and-a ... A third carnation was given to him for free, besides, they gave us a cookie. On the way back, the child explained for a long time that this is such a marketing device - you pay for two, give three, but it would be better to give a burger with a toy instead of a biscuit; The nurse quietly grunted with laughter, and the cookies fed the dog.
Caesar in a skirt
The head of our department is a strict and always correct person in terms. She does her work unhurriedly, with feeling, with sense, with alignment. However, yesterday, when we were in a hurry to finish the next report, a lot of different cases fell on her, something that added to her similarities with Julius Caesar. Imagine a woman with her left hand clasping a telephone receiver to her ear, filling her documents with her right hand, while explaining something to a new employee and looking at the long list of upcoming assignments at the same time ... And now another employee comes up to her with a request to prosecutor fixing the copier. To which this venerable lady answers our surprise: "You know, if I put a mop in my ass, I'll wash the floors too!" The office announced a roar of laughter ...
Primitive personality
I worked at the same time in a small hospital, located next to a small psychiatric hospital. Due to this, we therapists did not have any difficulties with the consultations of our, in general, normal patients on the psychiatric line ... I have long forgotten the name of the patient, and the essence of her constant claims to us, but I remember that the psychiatrist we called to establish "the truth in the last resort," after an hour's conversation with this scandalous aunt, wiping the sweat from his face, wrote down the following phrase in the medical history: "Diagnosis: the institutional behavior of a primitive person." On the timid questions of us - fellow nonpsychiatrists - that, in fact, this phrase means that this doctor, continuing to breathe heavily and wiping the sweat, exhaled: "Well, she's a fool, just a fool! Understand ?!" The phrase about "primitive personality "has since entered the annals of our clinic ...
Unusual castration
I told a friend of the peasant - I do not know if it's true, but what I bought for, and for that I sell ... I'm somehow sad, but it's imperative - to castrate the cat. A veterinarian is the nearest - for many kilometers by car you need to go. Well, he called his son to help, he rolled on his "Bobik", and they began to go to the procedure. A cat, either in principle, did not like to drive in cars (the animal - what will you take from it), or did you feel that the last joy in life was being taken away from him - but he was excited to the extreme, he rushes about the apartment, is not given into his hands. He hammered in the end under his favorite cupboard and does not seem to have a nose. Well, they took the poor fellow out of his last shelter, wrapped him with some kind of rag so he would not kick, and got into the car. Just got the motor - the animal jerked out of its last strength, got out of the rag and let it run around the walls of the salon, they again caught by force. In general, when they reached the place of execution, the nerves of everyone, and the cat, not least, were exhausted to the limit, and the hands, legs and other parts of the body of the peasants were thoroughly shattered with claws, so that they held the experimental only in elongated hands - away from yourself, mean. Okay, the experienced doctor got caught, and the whole procedure took several minutes. But, since operations of this kind are done not under the general, but only under local anesthesia, the nerves of the cat clearly did not reassure, and when cautiously - on extended arms - carried out of the operating room, he jerked, jerked, slipped out of the rag - and disappeared door. Well, it is clear that the culprit is yelling - cho, they say, such-and-such, missed the animal, now he himself is catching. What should I do? Went to catch. They walked and wandered around the neighborhood for a while, finally they saw a cat looking out from under a bush. After a small military operation, it was captured and after careful examination for color and the presence of a knife-cut surgeon, the organs were recognized as their own. The way back passed without special adventures, at home the cat immediately huddled under its favorite closet and for several days did not show from there and the nose. Finally came to, slowly began to get out of the shelter, and, in the end, life began to flow in the usual way. And a few months later, the "cat" ... was crouching. The cat it turned out. Completely extraneous. So now that guy knows the passage and do not give - everyone is asked to tell how this cat in return for cut eggs n ... u sewed up?
The same set
I have a twin brother - although not small, dressed in the same style, a suit, well, in general, strangers can be confused. There are many stories of all sorts. But the day before yesterday, damn, already themselves laughed. In the evening the brother calls: - Come, we will sit, we will eat vodka. Have agreed. He lives in the suburbs, but I'm in the city. After work, my wife took the work off and drove off. When leaving the city, a small store - recently opened. I go, take a bottle of vodka, drink Kolu, chocolate to my brother's daughter, beer just in case, a jar of cucumbers - again, a snack! Go. My brother arrived about five minutes later. I look - he has the same set of products! I say: I hope I took it in the wrong store? He says: in the same! And they presented the picture through the eyes of the saleswoman: the boy just bought something, left, changed clothes, got into another car, came and again bought the same thing! Hmmm ...
New mouse
I come to work and I see that the mouse is new on the computer. Well, it's nice, tram-pam-pam, etc. But just now the chief came in and asked: - Did you notice I changed your mouse? - Well, yes, I noticed ... - How does it work? - Yes, it seems, everything is fine. - Well, it's good, but it did not work for me, _y put it to you (!), And took yours.
I'll kill you, daddy!
"Take the cheese!" - I do not need cheese, - I came to visit my daddy to take care of an apartment during his absence. My father left for three weeks on a business trip and now tried to overload the contents of the refrigerator into my bag. - Look, what a piece, natural parmesan. Here you cut it off and you can rub it in pasta, - Dad knocked a moldy piece of Kostroma cheese on the table. "I do not eat macaroni, how many times do I tell you." - That's good, you eat it with tea. I sighed and tossed the cheese into my bag. "There's half a marrow and two carrots." "Daddy, I do not need a carrot, and the zucchini is not needed." "How is this tavern not needed?" - Dad was surprised, - do you eat vegetables? And this is almost a new zucchini, I bought it two days ago. I sighed again: "Give me your zucchini here," and a sluggish vegetable lay down in a bag, covering itself with carrots. "Do not fuss, I will not be home for three weeks, so I will not be able to lose such wealth." If I offered caviar, I think you would not be very choosy. - Why empty talk? Offer me caviar. Dad was sad: - I ate caviar, - and he changed the subject with a faint-heartedness, - but with a kefir. - Dad! The package is open, where did you put it !? There's my makeup! "It's nothing to worry about, you dry it." And why are you carrying cosmetics in a grocery bag? - Until today, it was not a food product, - I was upset and began to take my things out of the bag. Most of the yogurt has already poured out and hopelessly stained the contents. "You give the bones to the dog." - I do not have a dog! - I desperately tried to save something on what else there were no kefir divorces. - In the courtyard near the garbage you will find Sharik, just look, that there are no other dogs nearby. If they do, drive them away, they offend Sharik. And do not confuse him with Jack, they are the same litter, but Jack's face is more impudent. And I'm laying your bow, you see, half is left, a little podvyala, it is better to eat it today. "I'll kill you, Daddy!" - Yes, my daughter should love my father, - Dad did not listen to me, - go ahead with your reasons, I'll put them in a bag, and I will wash the bag, then take it. Products put in another package. - Daddy, what's this? - I took out a bag of whitish, grain-like rice, like a large rice. - It's maggots. - What?! "Well, the larvae from which the flies hatch, for fishing." Do you need them? I shuddered, the bag fell out of my hands and flew under the table. - And why did you grab it then? - Daddy muttered from under the table, taking out his lich monk, - I better give them to my neighbor. I washed my hands and began to carefully remove another package from the refrigerator: - And what is this? "I do not know," Papa was surprised. "It smells." - Does not smell, but stinks. You did not have a roquefort in the refrigerator? "Whom ?!" - So it was not, - and the package with mysterious contents went to the trash. - And here's a bagel! - Dad showed me a bread ring, slightly poppy-filled, and suddenly became embarrassed - do not think, he's not bitten, I broke off a piece when he was soft. Put it in a frying pan, warm it up, and then eat it with coffee and coffee. Vkuusno! - and he rolled his eyes, and as it seemed to him, imperceptibly, he thrust the bagel into the bag. Then, just as unnoticed, he tucked in the bag an old chap, five heels of green potatoes, and even tried to pour the old tea leaves into the beer bottle. Finally, we kissed, in the corridor, I picked up the package and tiptoed a half-story higher on tiptoe. There she opened a refuse chute and, turning away, in order not to inhale fetid evaporation, shoved the packet into an iron pipe. In the musoropriemniku rattled, the package burst and crashed down with its contents. Suddenly, the key turned in the lock of our door, and Daddy went out onto the platform. "What are you doing there?" Lost? It's good that you have not left yet, you forgot the package with the products. And she took her make-up?