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My Blog: jokes jokes funny stories

It was always interesting to tie the rope with one end to the handle of the door to the kitchen, and the other to the pan standing on the stove. Because the effect, as a rule, exceeded all expectations. So this time everything went in the best possible way. Grandma was out of luck. The door to the communal apartment neighbor jerked right at that moment when the water in the pan was already boiling. Of course, the grandmother screamed. But she still got off easily - she only scalded her leg, and besides, there was sea buckthorn oil in the refrigerator. - Zhora, I’ll fuck you! - the grandmother shouted. The fact that the grandmother fucks, Zhorik had no doubt not a drop. What will happen this time, it was difficult to assume. But, probably, more serious than it was a week ago, when Zhora pulled out the neighbor’s panties in the yard from the clothesline and put them in his father’s jacket pocket. Zhora did not know that on this day dad should have received an advance and, accordingly, some mother's hands in his father's pockets. It is clear that the cowards were bearings. Dad got from the mother in the board a meat grinder. In front of Uncle Misha’s neighbor. Dad was poppy. The radio was screaming in the kitchen. Uncle Misha shouted to his mother: - Valentina, you drop it! It is necessary to understand! - I'll figure it out right now! I'll deal with both of you! And uncle Misha flew an ashtray. Zhora did not expect such a resonance. It could have been supposed that the old washed away cowards of the neighbor would have such an effect. That dad will get a meat grinder and that even Uncle Misha will be drawn into hostilities. In general, when dad put his mother’s head in a linen tank of water (not hot - therefore, this episode, Zhora considered several unsuccessful), the grandmother intervened. - Bitch! - Dad yelled, - what have you done ?! Mom did not answer, but only gurgled from the tank. Grandma dealt with dad pretty quickly. So to speak, without removing pince-nez. Then mom and grandmother retired to the room, and dad and uncle Misha sat in the kitchen to drink vodka. Zhora was already completely relaxed, and considered this series finished, when suddenly from the kitchen came the roar of dad: - Zhora! Gandon darned! Kill the fuck! It seems, dad, drove into a situation ... George did not have time to wash off. Dad beat for a long time and with rapture. He beat everyone that came to hand. Some of the objects were familiar to Zhora, and some he knew for the first time. He disconnected only when dad put Zhora with an iron. Maybe there was something else after the iron, but Zhora was no longer in the know. As always, the grandmother intervened. And then mom. They beat Dad and Uncle Misha for a long time. Uncle Misha was beaten because he tried to intercede for dad. At some point, the meat grinder went into action again and the conflict resolved by itself. Three days later, Zhora came to his senses and decided that the last feat had surpassed everything that had been before and needed a rest. He should not wait until the granny spread her leg with sea buckthorn and grabbed some kind of draene, mark it out in full. Therefore, Zhora quickly and quietly ran into the street, where he slipped his tongue until late in the evening. It was not possible to go home unnoticed. In the kitchen, dad dashed. - Ah, appeared, cunt! What did you do with your grandmother today? Dad's fist described an arc in the air and sank down on Zhorino's face. It was not worth waiting for the continuation, and Zhora rushed back to the street. The second time, Zhora came home already late at night, when everyone was already asleep. Zhora sneaked into the kitchen and pulled out a cupboard. Here they are - sharp, shiny, large. Knives. Zhora liked the knives very much. He could watch them for hours, stroking their blades and feeling the warmth of the handles. The handles were made of wood. Massive ones that have already become dark brown from time to time, and so comfortably lie in your hand. There were four knives. With each of them, Zhora had a relationship. Most of all, he liked the largest - with a huge blade and a split handle. He was somewhat like a wounded soldier who would bleed but never surrender to the enemy. The educational moment that this knife carried had an impact on Zhora much more than all the patriotic posters that hung in the school and the House of Culture, and it’s even scary to say films about the war. In addition to knives, there was one more thing that introduced Zhora into a state of light trance. The piety that Zhora harbored on this subject was incomparable even with knives. It was a contraption that made my heart beat faster and my palms sweat. It was a meat grinder. The meat grinder Zhora considered something like a symbol of power over the world. When my grandmother was spinning minced meat on it, for the sake of such an incident, Zhora could have scored a trip to the cinema, which in itself rarely happened and was a holiday. My grandmother didn’t let me turn the meat grinder, but so far Zhora was quite satisfied with looking at the process of scrolling the meat. But today there was a feeling that it was time. It's time to do it yourself. There was no meat in the house. But that didn't make any difference. Cutting dad's throat was not difficult. However, like my mother's. The middle knife was enough. Zhora really liked his father’s nose. He was big and gray. He really wanted him to be the same. But his nose was clearly his mother - small, making him look like a sparrow. Without thinking twice, Zhora cut off his father’s nose and put it in his pocket. Mom liked his eyes. The left one did not pick out for a long time, and then just flowed out like an egg. With the right it was easier - the training on the left was not in vain, and he migrated to another pocket of Zhora. Uncle Misha! He almost forgot about Uncle Misha. To get into the room of the neighbor was not difficult. Uncle Misha slept on the bed without undressing and snored softly. He was smaller than dad and therefore Zhora used a small knife. Uncle Misha Zhora did not like anything. Therefore, there were no souvenirs. Grandmother remained. Grandmother was a large woman and the largest knife was used. I had to tinker for a while before my grandmother finally calmed down. It remained to establish a meat grinder. He saw many times how his grandmother or mother did it, so everything went quickly and without technical inconsistencies. Gathering and screwing the meat grinder to the edge of the table, Zhora stepped back a couple of steps and for a long time admired this household item that excited him so much. Returning to the room, Zhora began to cut off his grandmother’s chest. Despite the considerable size, Zhora quickly dealt and carried a granny bust into the kitchen. The handle of the meat grinder easily twirled, the knife spun and grandmother’s chest began to slowly disappear in the neck of the meat grinder. The first red mincemeat worms climbed, almost silently falling into a bowl. Zhora smiled, sometimes stirring the meat with a knife in a bowl * * * We almost drove through our train, and somehow settled down, took out drinks and began to ferment. Before leaving, I bought a bottle of port and got high while enjoying the Massandra. Dugdum and Prokhor blew the seventh Baltic. Prior to that, Prokhor had drunk “Dagestan” with his brother, so he soon froze and it seemed that Lyokha could not do without vomiting today. We did not think about grub. It’s good that I didn’t understand why I bought Doshirak on the day of arrival. Begging for boiling water and forks from the conductor (!), They began to bite with this cocks brew. After a couple of hours, I ran out of port, Prokhor and Dugdum had beer and I remembered that I still have a bottle of vodka donated by Ruff. For some reason, no one supported my initiative, everyone ached that they wanted to sleep, there were no snacks, etc. etc. I absolutely did not want to sleep. I wanted a drink. I went out into the vestibule and lit a cigarette. The train began to slow down and a guide appeared in the vestibule. “No smoking here.” Do you have matches? With the last phrase, the conductor pulled out a cigarette. I silently handed him a lighter. He lit a cigarette and began to open the door. The train has stopped. The frosty air bursting into a stuffy vestibule was invigorating. I wanted to drink even more. We smoked cigarettes and threw the gobies onto the platform. The train jerked and began to pick up speed. The conductor rattled shut the door. There were screams from that side. - Oh, my grandmother slept through her passengers. I asked what that means. This meant the following: at this station, two passengers were supposed to get in with us, whom some aunt had to wake in the waiting room. Aunt overslept herself. It happens. I wanted to drink even more. My guide that there was a little white bubble and I had no one to crush it with, the conductor really liked it, and he offered to move to it in the compartment. In addition, it turned out that he has a snack and you can smoke there. I took out a bottle, and he, for his part, salads and bread. For some reason, on the table lay a complete kitchen set of knives. He poured half a glass and held out his hand to me. - Let's get acquainted. Zhora.
Nuclear Cake
The story, though not very funny, but true. Maybe someone does not know that in the city of Dubna there is the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research (JINR). In the summer of 1991, we passed training at the military unit of the air defense forces near the city of Kimry. And so, to celebrate the birthday of one of ours, they decided to buy a cake. We sit, have fun, eat cake. Almost finished. Then I automatically take the box and read: "Cake so-and-so, GOST No-so-and-so. Producer - JINR, Dubna." Still eaten the cake, but somehow sluggishly.
Close the doors!
The story about the parrot system "Jaco". Nice bird, of course. In the early 90s, I accompanied a friend to the Emirates. As it turned out, forever. Bedouin is still there. He took with him his old (about 15 years old he was already then) and the very wise parrot, the jaco. But unlucky, still Soviet, customs didn’t let the bird go, rightly demanding a bunch of some veterinary and not very paperwork with official stamps. Having wiped away a tear, he handed me this miracle with parting words to protect, love, cherish and cherish. I brought this joy home. The day passes, two, a week. The wise bird is silent, nor gu-gu. He eats, drinks, moves around the apartment, but does not say everything, even though you crack. And then one day, almost a month later, I arrived for lunch, sitting in the kitchen and drinking tea. I hear a key turn in the door lock and a mother-in-law enters - a dear creature brought up on the novels of domestic and foreign classics (say “nafig” to her and she’s already swooning) ... And from the mezzanine, her face is almost unfamiliar and rude my departed comrade: - Close, bl # di, the door! Oh # how it blows !!! R. s. This wise owl said nothing more. And his “plate” worked every time something opened: whether it was a door, a window leaf or a window. Heat-loving was a scoundrel. And wise beyond his years.
Recently, the following information was broadcast in the “Duty Unit” program: “... The firefight between two criminal groups was prevented by the organized crime control forces ...” The following is a story about how valiant riot police surrounded a cafe under the cover of night and swept everyone. Further: “As a result of a search, a Brazilian-made pistol was found in one of the detainees ...” That is, it must be assumed that the most valiant OMON fighters should have taken up the main party in the planned shootout?
Bad marketing
Mogilev, 86 years old. Who remembers - the terrible height of the anti-alcohol company - people are running around with axes, vineyards are under the root, alcohol is the enemy of a person, therefore there is no way to get it - around the queue, the working hours of the outlets are limited ... In general, everything is for the good of the person and in the name of. .. I came from Ukraine to a familiar girl. I stand in line at a department store in the department of household chemicals for shaving cream - to put myself in order. The line moves decently, and suddenly an intelligent-looking man comes up to the checkout, who is handsome, wearing a suit and glasses, and to the saleswoman: is there “Acnol” (window cleaner for alcohol)? The saleswoman answers "No." “And something inside?” The saleswoman was confused and uncertainly “I don’t know” ... A man utters a fundamental phrase: “You poorly study the demand of buyers” and leaving to two co-comrades is doomed: “There is nothing.” One of his friends utters such a pearl: "Petrovich, well, I told you, well, what kind of marketing we have here for hell ..."
Disgusting sounds
Odessa, 13th station of the Big Fountain, 2 pm. We lie with a friend - she crushed under the sun, dozing. I roll around and my ear cuts the sound of metal on glass from a nearby boat station. Someone methodically polishes a glass cutter for the beach season. Turning around pretty much, I say: - Oksanka, do you hear? She answers inarticulate mmm. Like, well, why should you distract me for such trifles? But it breaks me in to talk and I insistently continue: “Oksanka, do you hear any disgusting sounds?” Are you sleeping? Oksanka, I say disgusting sounds. In the end, I got it, she rises and answers: - And you shut your mouth and disgusting sounds will stop. While I thought that to answer (closing my mouth for sure at this time) - the sounds REALLY STOPPED. A curtain. And you say chance, there is no fate.
Gram ten squirrel
At the sunset of the Soviet Power, some research institute required a certain amount of some very cunning protein with an unpronounceable name for experiments. Unfortunately, throughout the USSR; as well as in the fraternal countries of the socialist camp, no one made this muck; and it was possible to get it only from the Most Important Bourgeois in America. But - there is nothing to do, it is necessary to order. - How much do you need? - Well, a gram of 10 ... Well, a maximum of 20 - with an immense supply ... Well, 20 so 20 ... However, it turned out that the company that manufactured this substance, packaging less than 500 grams does not happen. - To hell with him, let them send 500 ... They handed over the order "by authority" ... And the order went to wander from the ministry to the ministry; surrounded by signatures and seals ... In short, after a certain amount of time (when everyone already decided that their parcel was finally and irrevocably lost somewhere between the States and the USSR) - a call from the port: - Well, when will you arrive for your fucking load - our ship is idle !!! After soldering the chief, along with the director of the research institute, the valerian began to “make inquiries”; and it turned out that during the next iteration in one of the ministries, some very literate bureaucrat decided that the order was - well, clearly a typo; and ferried "500 g (Ramm)" to "500 t (onn)" ... Z. Y. The American company that produced this muck also got a little dumb, having received a similar order; since its annual production was something like 100 tons, no more. But, as long as the customer orders, and even pays the money - they are strained and done ...
Towel and umbrella
In my hostel there are two carnations on the door, on which a towel hangs comfortably and, when the weather is inclement, an umbrella. One unusually early morning, I got up (with difficulty), autopilot collected toiletries and went to the shower. Towards a neighbor: - Where are you going? I'm gonna take a shower. “Why with an umbrella ?!” It turns out that I grabbed the first thing that came to hand from the carnations. And I got it - an umbrella instead of a towel.
Monkey dad
I hate zoos - animals are very sorry. But then my girlfriend beat me - he says, they did a cool monkey, and the macaques are so funny, in general, they went to see it. Indeed - all tiptops, monkeys are very funny, active. At each in a cage sawdust is poured and various fruits are scattered everywhere. Suddenly I look - the monkey dad is so anxious to rush about in the cage, shakes up the mountains of sawdust, obviously looks for a tasty hiccuped piece, and does not find it (probably due to the abundance of offspring). Here a couple comes up to the enclosure - the man is obviously with a good hangover. They look at the poor monkey for a long time and the man gives out: - Look, it’s as if Lech is looking for car keys with drunk! A curtain.
Greed ruined
A truck driver with a trailer was on the next flight. He transported a brick. Upon arrival in Moscow, he calls in the office to get the money. Having received the required amount, he was about to leave, but then it seemed to him a little and he decided to bargain and demand as much for himself. Turned around and went back to the office. Of course, he claimed money, but at this time the following happened. Going to the office, the driver forgot to put the car on the handbrake (a truck with a trailer loaded with several thousand bricks !!!). Naturally, the car rolled and rode back into the ditch. Along the way, she hit the fence next to the paid parking lot. The fence fell and hit the lamppost. A lamp fell directly from the post directly onto the road. The road was small and cars almost did not drive on it. But just at that very moment a traffic cop was riding on it in his own Lada. The lamp fell right in front of his car, he was frightened, braked sharply and drove into a ditch. As a result, he broke his knee. By that time, the driver got her money in the office and went outside. A traffic cop with a broken knee was already hurrying to him. The result was as follows. The traffic cop took all the cash from the carrier, including the money that he had just received in the office. The office withdrew from the driver’s salary the amount spent on repairing the fence of paid parking. The driver himself all night manually (!!!) first unloaded the bricks from the trailer (with a brick it could not be pulled out of the ditch) and then loaded them back. Dragged several thousand bricks on his hump.
Swedish Finnish bus
We believe that the Finns are silent and gloomy people. But recently, my wife (she is Finnish) witnessed an interesting scene. Metro in Helsinki. Normal day, normal full carriage of passengers. At the Kulosaari station, in a very prestigious area of ​​the city, a magnificent lady of Balzac age enters the carriage and sits opposite a young girl of a very punk kind. The girl calmly misses, and the lady loudly begins to resent her defiant appearance in her outfit and strange hairstyle of orange shades. The girl does not pay attention and maintains complete equanimity. The lady does not calm down and continues verbal attacks on young people. An important detail: the lady is clearly a Swede. And the Finns have a traditional attitude towards fellow citizens of Swedish descent, as it were softer to say, well, such a jealous one. Then a controller appears in the car, everyone has prepared tickets. And here the unexpected happens. Preserving absolute calm, the girl quickly grabs the Swedish lady with a quick adroit movement and, in front of her companions ... eats it! Still calm on my face. In the meantime, the controller approaches the stunned lady. The lady gets confused in words and tries to explain that this bastard just swallowed her ticket. The controller listens and calmly declares that she never heard a more delusional statement. And announces to the unlucky lady a fine. The lady looks hopefully at fellow travelers. All keep Olympic calm. This is in Finland, where a good dozen vigilant citizens immediately knock on the police for any petty violator of public order! The lady pays the fine. A curtain.
Wash what you need there!
A girl from a village entered one institute in Moscow. Nice but simple. And at one point, her financial savings ran out (well, it can happen to everyone)! I talked with friends - like I want to earn some money. They told her: go in the evening to the street (for example, to three stations), get up and wait. If someone stops, say that you want to earn some money and that's it! She stands by the road, the car stops, dudes ask like what are you standing? I want to earn some money! Ah, well, then come with us! They put her in a car and brought her to her hut, and there are eight more people! Drink, walk. They say to her - go to the bath and wash what you need there! She closed there and I haven’t been there for half an hour, 40 minutes, after an hour of absence I’m tired of waiting - they are knocking. The door opens and the dudes get fierce: the combined bathroom BROWNED TO THE MIRROR SHINE! She washed ALL! Even more!
Non-waste production
He was on a business trip in Kiev. I’m taking a taxi in the evening to the airport, I ask the taxi driver questions, such as: - What is this? And this? .. And what is written here? Almost before leaving the city, the taxi driver points to the right: - But the 4-storey building is the Police Academy. I look in the direction, I see several houses, one - obviously some kind of factory (the pipe sticks out). I ask: - This one - with a pipe? Drove: - No, to the left. And the fact that the pipe is an incinerator. This I understand - non-waste production ...
Carnations for Mom
I decided to visit my friend - she has night duty in the hospital, God himself ordered to drink a cup of beer before that. A first-grader child from school was taken by a nanny. He immediately tells her that they say mom is finally not around, therefore I want to surprise her - to buy flowers, and the school money was not accidentally spent, so there is something to do it. Proud of such a turn, the nanny leads him to the nearest metro, where these flowers are sold. On the way, the child actively rejoices in life, in the mud and puddles acquiring a healthy glow and a somewhat homeless look. Further, he asks the nanny not to interfere in the process, because there is money, he knows how to read the price tags, he also has the ability to fold and wants to choose the flowers himself, only himself. After sticking its nose to the display case for some time and picking up the necessary amount of small things in its pockets - chop into rubles, the cub approaches the saleswoman. “Please give me one red carnation and one yellow.” - And the third one? - I need TWO, red and yellow - And for whom are these flowers? - Mom is in the hospital, and I buy her flowers. Here, exactly 24 rubles! (only a trifle ...) On her aunt's face heavy female tears welling up. A child, a squelch, an orphan, a squelch, we ourselves are not local, squish, on cars a trifle, a mother of flowers, to the hospital, two-a-ah ... They gave him the third carnation for free, and they also treated him with cookies. On the way back, the child explained for a long time that this is such a marketing device - you pay for two, give three, but it would be better if you gave a hamburger with a toy instead of cookies; the nanny grunted softly with laughter, and fed the cookie to the dog.
Caesar in a skirt
The head of our department is a strict person and always correct in expressions. She does the work leisurely, with feeling, really, with arrangement. However, yesterday, when we were in a hurry to finish the next report, many different things fell on her, which added something to her resemblance to Julius Caesar. Imagine a woman who presses a telephone receiver to her ear with her right hand, fills in documents, explains something to a new employee and simultaneously looks at a long list of upcoming tasks ... And now another employee approaches her with a request to supervise a photocopy repair. To this amazement, this venerable lady answers: “You know, if I put a mop in my ass, I will also wash the floors! .. The office was announced with a roar of laughter ...
Primitive personality
I worked at one time in a small hospital located next to a small psychiatric hospital. Because of this, we therapists did not experience any difficulties in consulting our generally normal patients on a psychiatric line ... I have long forgotten the name of the patient and the essence of her constant complaints to us, but I remember that the psychiatrist we called for the establishment of "the ultimate truth", after an hour of conversation with this scandalous aunt, wiping sweat from her face, wrote the following phrase in the medical history: "Diagnosis: installation behavior of a primitive personality." To the timid questions of us non-psychiatric colleagues about the fact that this phrase means that the aesculapius, continuing to breathe heavily and wipe sweat, exhaled: “Well, she’s a fool, she’s just a fool! Is that clear ?!” "since then entered the annals of our clinic ...
Unusual castration
A familiar peasant told me - I don’t know if this is true, but for what I bought it, for that I am selling it ... Somehow, it was ripe for him to have a sad, but urgent need - to castrate a cat. And the nearest veterinarian - you have to go by car for many kilometers. Well, he called his son for help, he rolled on his "Bobby", and they began to get ready to go to the procedure. But the cat either basically didn’t like to drive in cars (an animal - whatever you take from him), or he felt with his gut that the last joy in his life was taken away from him - but he was extremely excited, rushing around the apartment, was not given to his hands. He eventually got stuck under his favorite closet and doesn’t show his nose. Well, they took the poor fellow out of his last refuge, wrapped them in a rag so as not to kick, and got into the car. They just started the engine - the belly rushed with all its strength, got out of the rag and let's rush along the walls of the cabin, they again caught the force. In general, when they got to the place of execution, the nerves of everyone, and the cat, not least, were exhausted to the limit, and the arms, legs and other parts of the men’s body were thoroughly crooked with their claws, so that they kept the subject only elongated hands - away from yourself, mean. Okay, the experienced doctor got caught, and the whole procedure took several minutes. But, since operations of this kind are not done under general, but only under local anesthesia, the cat’s nerves clearly did not calm him down, and when he was carefully taken out of the operating room with outstretched arms, he twitched, lunged, slipped out of a rag and disappeared behind the door. Well, of course, they shout at the culprit - why, they say, so-and-so, he missed the animal, now catch it yourself. What should I do? Let's go catch. We walked and wandered around the neighborhood for some time, finally they saw a cat looking out from under the bush. After a small military operation, it was captured and, after a thorough examination for color and the presence of organs chopped off by a surgeon, was recognized as his own. The return trip passed without much adventure, at home the cat immediately huddled under his favorite closet and for several days did not show his nose from there. Finally he came to his senses, began to slowly get out of the shelter, and, in the end, life flowed in the usual way. And after a few months the "cat" ... walked around. Cat it turned out. Absolutely extraneous. So now the acquaintances don’t give the peasant access - everyone asks to tell how they managed to sew the cat instead of the cut eggs ...
Same set
I have a twin brother - although no longer small, we dress in the same style, a suit, well, in general, strangers can confuse. There are many stories of all kinds. But the day before yesterday, damn it, they themselves laughed. In the evening, the brother calls: - Come, sit and eat vodka. Agreed. He lives in the suburbs, and I in the city. After work, he took his wife from work, let's go. When leaving the city, the store is small - it has recently opened. I stop by, take a bottle of vodka, drink Cola, chocolate to my brother’s daughter, beer just in case, a jar of cucumbers - again a snack! Go. Brother arrived about five minutes later. I look - he has the same set of products! I say: I hope I took it from the wrong store? He says: in the same! And these presented the picture through the eyes of the saleswoman: the boy had just bought something, left, changed clothes, got into another car, arrived and bought the same thing again! Hm ...
New mouse
I come to work and see - the mouse is new on the computer. Well, it’s nice, tram-pam-pam, etc. But now the boss just came in and asked: “Have you noticed, have I changed your mouse?” - Well, yes, I noticed ... - How does it work normally? - Yes, everything seems to be fine. - Well, it’s good, because it didn’t work for me, I put it to you_ (!), But I took yours.
I will kill you, daddy!
- Take the cheese! “I don’t need cheese,” I came to visit my daddy to take custody of the apartment during his absence. My father went on a business trip for three weeks and now tried to load the contents of the refrigerator into my bag. - Look at what a piece, natural parmesan. You’ll cut it here and you can rub it into pasta, ”Dad tapped the moldy piece of Kostroma cheese on the table. “I don’t eat pasta how many times to tell you.” - That's good, eat it with tea. I sighed and threw cheese into my bag. - Here is half a zucchini and two carrots. - Dad, I don’t need carrots, and I don’t need a zucchini. - How is this zucchini not needed? - dad was amazed, - are you eating vegetables? And this is almost a new zucchini, I bought it two days ago. I sighed again: “Come on here your zucchini,” and a sluggish vegetable lay in a bag, hiding behind carrots on top. - Do not pick and choose, I will not be home for three weeks, so this wealth will disappear. If I offered caviar, I think you would not be very picky. - Why empty talk? Offer me caviar. Dad was sad: “I ate caviar,” and he cowardly changed the subject, “but a packet of kefir.” - Dad! The package is open, where did you put it !? There is my makeup! - It's okay, dry it. Why are you carrying cosmetics in a grocery bag? - Until today, she was not grocery, - I was upset and began to take my things out of the bag. Most of the kefir has already spilled out and hopelessly stained the contents. - Give the bones to the dog. - I do not have a dog! - I desperately tried to save something on which there were no kefir stains. - In the courtyard near the garbage can find Sharik, just watch that there are no other dogs nearby. If they are, drive away, they offend the Ball. And do not confuse him with Jack, they are of the same litter, but Jack has a more impudent face. And I put the bow on you, you see, half remained, a little bit bowled, it’s better to eat it today. “I will kill you, daddy!” “Yes, the daughter must love her father,” my father did not listen to me. “Come on your personal belongings, I will put them in a bag and wash my bag, then you will pick it up.” We put the products in another package. “Dad, what is it?” I took out a bag of fridge with whitish grains that looked like large rice. - These are maggots. - What?! “Well, the larvae from which the flies hatch are for fishing.” Do you need them? I started, the bag fell out of my hands and flew off under the table. “Why did you miss it then?” grumbled dad from under the table, taking out his monk’s lich, “I’d better give them to my neighbor.” I washed my hands and began to carefully scoop out another bundle from the refrigerator: - What is this? “I don’t know,” Dad said in surprise. “It smells.” “It doesn't smell, it stinks.” Didn't you have a Roquefort in the refrigerator? - Who ?! “So it wasn’t,” and the packet of mysterious contents went to the trash. - But the bagel! - Dad showed me a loaf of bread, lightly sprinkled with poppy seeds, and was suddenly embarrassed, - don’t think it’s not bitten, I broke a piece when it was soft. Put it in a frying pan, heat it, and then eat it with butter, along with coffee. Tasty! - and he rolled his eyes, and as it seemed to him, imperceptibly, put the bagel in the bag. Then he also imperceptibly thrust into the bag an old krajuha, heels of greened potatoes and even tried to pour the old tea leaves into a beer bottle. Finally we kissed, in the corridor, I picked up the bag and tiptoed up half a floor above. There she opened the garbage chute and, turning away so as not to inhale fetid fumes, stuffed the bag into an iron pipe. The bin thundered, the bag burst, and crashed down with its contents. Suddenly, a key turned in the lock of our door, and daddy stepped out onto the landing. “What are you doing there?” Got lost? It’s good that you haven’t left yet, you forgot the grocery bag. Did you get your makeup?