This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: jokes jokes stories funny

10 most ridiculous autoincidents
Norwich Union, the largest insurance company in the UK, has published a list of the ten most ridiculous explanations about the damage to the insured car, writes. It turned out that most often strange auto incidents occur with the participation of animals.

The leader in this list is "windshield damage due to frozen protein shed from a tree." In second place is "the fall of a deer on the hood at the time of parking".

Also included in the list are:

- "causing damage to a passing car by a frozen kebab, which flew through the opened door of my car while making a turn"

- "chipped enamel on my car due to the fact that it was licked by a herd of cows passing by"

- "Zebra collision with a car during a visit to a safari park"

- "uncontrolled pressing of the accelerator while waiting at a traffic light, which led to a collision with the car ahead, and was caused by the wasp crawling on the driver's right foot"

- "Inability to slow down due to the ingress of potatoes under the brake pedal"

- "causing heavy damage to the car by a bull that escaped from the agricultural exhibition"

- "the destruction of the ATV due to a cow's jump"

- "damage to the trunk during a collision with a cow on the road, which then, turning over in the air, smashed the windshield with its rear part (the cow remained alive)."

The real story in genecology
Gynecology. Doctor. A lady with a positive test.
- It can not be! - It can not be! My husband and I were protected! Physician (out of habit, experienced):
- How? Condoms, contraceptives?
- Well, my husband put on a condom, and we had sexual intercourse. Congenially.
- And then? Condoms were torn?
Lady (confidently):
- Well no.
Physician (very experienced):
- What's next?
- Then my husband took off a condom, tied it ...
And what would you think? we usually send my beloved in the trash. But! Not so simple...
The doctor (apparently, taught by many years of experience continues the interrogation and asks a brilliant question):
- So what is next?
And the lady ISSUES:
- Then my husband took the hammer ....
- ... and hit it hard several times with a hammer.
Doctor (apparently, in full ....):
Lady (cool, with a sense of indulgent superiority):
- Well, why? To kill sperm!
So imagine the sperm, dodging the hammer and the death wheezing of the dead ...
The doctor (from surprise picks up the jaw from the floor, already from sports interest):
- So what is next?
Lady (still condescending):
- ... untied the condom ...
IMHO, the peasant has to erect a monument only for this - try to untie the condom at your leisure ...
- And? !!
Lady (apotheosis):
- And squirted me back.
The doctor (groans):
Lady (with astonished indignation at the stupidity of the gynecologist, who is simply obliged to know common truths):
- Because sperm is very useful for the female body!
A curtain.

Missing alcohol
Spring. Birds and all that. In order to work a little and relax a lot, we went with friends to a wonderful holiday village. I must say that the villas were far enough away from any excesses such as kiosks, shops, etc. In general, a corner not spoiled by civilization. We, like experienced people, have stocked up pretty (not soda). But at the end of the third day, it became clear that we underestimated ourselves ... Seryoga (the owner of the dacha) made a courageous decision to dispossess his own parents and make the contents of their hiding places to the people. In view of the found, it turned out just right. The holiday was a success. Sunday came. Seregin's parents arrived ... Parents have, by the way, world people, and after the loss was discovered, the following conversation took place. Father: - Sergey, you tell me as a chemist-chemist, can alcohol evaporate from closed containers, eh? Seryoga: - Yes, I can't seem to. Father (with a hint that thanks to Serege an unprecedented scientific discovery was made): - Strange, can you imagine, but I have evaporated? Mother Seryoga decided to surrender himself: - Mom, we have drunk a bottle here. Mom: - That in the attic? - Yeah, and TU ALSO.
Bloody Mary
England. A pub. Two girls of domestic production rest, leaning on the Bloody Mary. Especially for those who do not know how this cocktail sounds in English - it sounds like this (Russian transcription) "Good Mary". It should be noted that the girls are advanced and the name of the cocktail at the moment is exposed to the Russian accent. And one of them gets up from the table and scratches the powder on the nose. The second one loudly says the following phrase to her: “You will pass by the stand - order us two bl # $ shes! Do I need to explain that the bar immediately revealed our other compatriots who survived a severe cultural shock.
Bring this warrior here! +
The army history that happened is said to be in our regiment. Drill review On the parade ground is a division. Before the formation, the division commander walks, behind him at some distance from the stands stands the major - the regiment duty officer. The divisional selflessly pushes speech. And suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he notices that because of the shields framing the parade ground, the soldier, who was late for construction, looks out. The divisional commander rages: - Comrade Major !!! - this is to the duty - Bring this warrior here! The soldier, seeing that the matter is taking a nasty turn, starts running away. The major rushes after him. And then on the run he unbuttoned his holster, and in order not to lose the gun, he grabs it and runs, holding it with his hand. From the side it looks like he is trying to pull out a gun on the run. A divisional commander, a man with humor, yells into the microphone at the entire military camp: - COMRADE MAYOR !!! I order to take alive !!
Two o'clock in the morning, railway crossing ...
We sit drinking in the office do not touch anyone, flies in on duty: "At relocation of an accident! Tovarnyak and car." We leave. When approaching the crossing, we observe the following picture: there is a tank echelon, on the locomotive chopper a dead man's gauge gear, the assistant driver sits on the roof of the locomotive near the searchlight, and the machinist locks himself in the cab. In front of the locomotive, an angry, very drunk traffic cop runs and yells: “Gad, what did you do!” I just yesterday put new steering rods! I showed you: "Go around, go around !!!"! What, you bastard, couldn’t go round me !? "During the" debriefing "it turned out: having gotten drunk in the trash, the traffic cops left for the crossing and decided to earn some money -" now the traffic light will flash, and we scoop anyone who tries to slip through ... ". When the semaphore began to blink when he saw the train going, the traffic cop went out and began to wave to him with a rod so that he would go around. The second traffic cop was caught in the bushes. To the question: “What are you doing here?”, The answer was: “Mushrooms ... collect, hear the blow ... I am getting out, an accident ... "Third, they cut out an autogen from the car. He did not even wake up ... He got off with scratches.
My cats
My cats, well, just two frames! One, the eldest, I somehow took off from the tree and married him, which means she left (well, this is my husband, his name is from childhood). And the second, small, we have already picked up (real black cat). The other day, both steamed off a couple. So, the weekend, Sunday. I went away with the elder somewhere in the morning, and our little kitty was left alone at home to be bored. We arrive late in the evening, the husband immediately went to bed, I sat down next to me. And our younger kotofeich is happy that the feeders and boarders have arrived, have eaten, which means that they are pinned up, laid down between us. And here is a painting in oil and cheese: this small and loud rumbling lies (well, happiness has come), and the older one, without opening his eyes and not regaining consciousness at all, gives out (the response went to the sound): - DIE THE MOTOR, SCOTINA !!!
We approach with the husband to the entrance. Two old women sit on a bench near the entrance (our neighbors, they are 80 years old). Previously, they never even greeted each other, and here, as they zarut, with a cheerful voice on the whole yard, "What good kids, it's nice to see !!!" We look around in surprise, and under the stool we see a nearly finished bottle of black Diplomat and 2 glasses. A curtain.
And what will I protect myself?
My wife's grandmother was a gynecologist. The last years before retirement she worked in the medical unit at the bus depot. The work was not to say that a lot - a follow-up, and give directions to abortions. And then one woman came to her for directions. After the fifth direction, in a fairly short time, the doctor says to her: `` You, my dear, will make yourself completely disabled. It is necessary to be protected ''. And she said: `` I work as a conductor on the 900 route (the number is not important, but the fact that this route had a terminus in the forest on the outskirts of a town near Moscow). And what will I be protected at the final stop? Fir cone? ''
Where is my dad?
Grandmother once for a long time in my childhood explained to me that my dad was her son, Andrew, and she, respectively, my grandmother, and so confused me with these explanations, that one day I called on my dad for a walk as follows: - Where is my dad son Andrew!
I have a lot of love. It is labor. This is great business and occupation. All in the end praise work. And it inhales and rejoices me. Working hard work has fame in the world. My loving work is skillful hands. For example, one afternoon I cut a rope. But cut the end and finger. Despite the terrible and scorching pain, I did not fall with my ear but rejoiced in the turn because the finger survived and the great, glorified work ended skillfully and wisely. Besides skillful hands, I love cooking. I especially like cooking. Sometimes I cook food, milk, crumbs, sausages, sausages, meatballs, ass, candy and other food. Everyone considers me a great cook. But I am humble but seductive and rejoice in pleasure. There is other work besides skillful hands and cooking, that is learning. I'm good, my love is Russian. I am proud of him. He is seductive and loving to me like mom and pop. Everyone praises him and writes works by the Soviet, especially Lenin. I am also proud of this. All work is glory! All hard proud! Our great poet wrote that "the work is loving and glorious for us and we are proud of them and kiss his heel and another member as gratitude for bread, water and soap!". For example, the great Soviet and Russian writer Lenin V.I. He wrote almost the same. All the Soviet people are proud of this and glorify the line of the memory of work and Lenin dear and love to bow. And I am also proud of this and rejoice. My hobby is a good reflection of the well-known work "Glory is a party! Glory is Lenin! Glory is Work!"
When my friend and I were walking in the city, it was warm and dry and charming. We went to our favorite store. He is good because there can be many. This is a very convenient place to buy. Especially the products there are tasty and soft. From the product you can enjoy and have very tasty and food predators and sit bastard and be happy that you can get enough and digest all the food in your stomach and enjoy the fact that the intestines and another member do not hurt. First, we went to a written store. There we saw a seductive fence and enjoyed about it. They bought a fence and went out boldly and sweetly on the valves of the leuco plastier and bought it, too, dropping a proud look into the goods. Have the goods was enjoyed with us. When we came to our love shop, we met many Drugs and a sweet pedigog from the institute. All were doing well. In the store, we had one bottle, a lot of milk, bread, zhopka, porridge, coca, pickled food, dried grizzly, crucian and other vegetables. We left our farms to the store. That is, there was another zip. In the stupid store was raznovyobrazovy pieces! In it we had - one hot water bottle, two boilers, one sacritat, a kettle of dishes and other equipment, a scraper and eight Georgians and another vacuum cleaner or soap box. We from all this rejoiced to the bald spot. Late come home, we cooked food from a meal and rejoiced with a friend for their services.
I have a good friend. He is a man. My friend's name is good. We are together shit. He is my love ally and ally. My friend is a good lord. We do not quarrel with him. He never hits me with a stick or shoelaces. I will rejoice when he loves me. A friend and I are dreamy a lot. As a child, they wanted to fuck a cow or a bull in the village. But then they decided to go to college. My friend is a big handsome man. In front of him, his face is beautiful and his eyes are kind. The legs of a handsome man are dark and gentle as hands. A friend does not do bad things neither smokes nor drinks. I and a friend love guest. He is our holiday. At a party, we love to sing and suffer. The time was cheerful and warm. I and my love friend were sometimes engaged together. We were warm and comfortable together. After the act, we said goodbye and did not do it for a long time. But I remain a love friend to him. "My favorite writer." Many think that I am a bad reader, but who thinks wrong and went wrong because I am a faithful and glorious reader. Because I am a reader filed I have a writer who is many and all loved ones. I read a lot and loved the quote from famous and famous writers. The poet wrote about reading: "To read everything lovingly and funnyly, all readers are great and glorious, especially socialist and popular. But woe will overtake lazy capitalist readers because they are not popular readers and know little differently!" I and all Soviet people agreed with this. But these thoughts that the wise cannot compare with the thoughts of my beloved writer, a dear and glorious teacher, a great leader and a fighter for the cause of the workers and peasants in particular, the glorious communist and state builder - Pushkin A.S. He wrote almost the same glorious and faithful verse as our popular poet who wrote: "On a wonderful day, the socialist orientation appeared and everyone rejoiced." Pushkin wrote almost the same: "I remember a wonderful moment before you was you." He also wrote well about a peasant who suffers in capitalist society and compares him to a horse who, in a cold winter, suffers from bourgeois exploitation and brushwood, that is, these verses begin like this: "Once in the icy winter season, I came out of the forest was in severe frost!". It was just a genius writer. But my greatest writer who is love to everyone in the world and more than Pushkin he is - the Great Lenin VI. He is a glorious genius of literature, a great sage and a clever man, a loving communist and builder, a warm and gentle and gentle peasant man and a sweet teacher! I respected him and marveled at the brilliant work of this writer. I read a lot of books of it. They are all very interesting and fascinating there are many adventures and wise thoughts and a great hero! And I agree that Lenin is the Party !, and I am proud for that. Lenin wrote many times, “A teacher, a teacher, a teacher,” and I did it, and I was also proud. He is great because he built the seductive Soviet society and rejoiced to the bald spot. For this, everyone respected him and built a mausoleum! My favorite writer is Lenin V.I. I like and love to me chilly. I'm proud!
In the Arab family there is one father and several mothers, and in the computer one mother, but MUCH, MUCH folders !! Husband comes home with a huge bouquet of flowers. Becoming on one knee, stretches his wife. She: - And, what, I now have to push the legs? He: - And what, we do not have a normal vase in the house? Russian "Fuck!", Unlike the American "Fuck", you can scream loud and drawn out. Curved legs tight around the neck. Experience is what you get without getting what you want. Old, experienced kamikaze. Enter the access code ... Only gently and slowly ...
Since childhood, Yuri Gagarin dreamed of being the first to fly into space, but some bitches were ahead of him. But what are you, my friend, what is your claustrophobia? Here we are just now Akaky Nazarych for an hour in a coffin to be laid down: This is a claustrophobic man! Blues is when a good man feels bad .... Love will suddenly come over when your wife does not expect anything at all. Sclerosis Shampoo: forget about dandruff! That fish was before - you will not enter the water without panties! Love is evil, love is blind. And also deaf and infects sexually transmitted diseases .: Moishe, do you know what a dilemma is? Free ham .... Usually they steal a bride at weddings, and my mother-in-law was stolen from me .... There were no more expensive gifts. Russian folk sign: if a swallow flies its tail forward - to pay salary.: That was also said by her grandmother, nee Zarathustra .: If the spouse refuses to share a bed with you, then get ready for the fact that she is going to share the property with you. Dobrynya Nikitich pulls up for a fork, and the inscription on the stone: 'Without options :.' It is pleasant to talk with an intelligent person, but it is difficult to work. The hero must be alone. If there are a lot of heroes - they are called hooligans. Life leaves as quickly as if it is not interesting to us .... Experience is what you get without getting what you want. Experience is such a thing that appears immediately after it was Happiness is needed - this is when the desired coincides with the inevitable Orthodox sorcerer predicts the future by the adolescent girls' genitals (announcement) Children are interested in the question: where does everything come from, adults - where does everything go If the dog starts talking - the man will lose his last friend he is fed up with his own In Russia, two misfortunes - fools and fools. Short. Sister. Life - this is what happens around when you build other plans. Trousers are more important than wife, because there are many places where you can go without a wife. Gus also thought that she’s bathing until the water is boiling .... If you are watching TV, then you must have noticed that the good guys always beat the bad ones, except for the nine o'clock news. Every time I leave the hairdresser, I am tormented by the same question - and Why did they ask me how I want to get a haircut? If you think smoking doesn’t affect a woman’s voice, try brushing off the ashes on the carpet.
I, Buteyko Maria Danilovna, born in 1970, ask me to give me alimony for my daughter born in 1998. Wonder what your medical institution is all about - you’re not a maternity hospital. And with that. At the beginning of last year, my husband, while driving while intoxicated, ran into a concrete pillar with grave consequences, which is lower. I went to visit him in a traumatic hospital, that is, to you. The duty officer looked at the list and said that Buteyko's patient was in the 26th ward, and the upper half of his human torso was severely bruised in the head. He hung on stretch marks, in a cast, and even completely wrapped in bandages, so that only his eyes and mouth opening were visible. What is damaged, and the spouse, and I began to unsolder the patient with cream, honey, dog fat and other deficiencies. I did this every day for him in a recumbent state for a month. When there was nothing for the sisters to pay for the night care, I began to stay in the ward until morning. And so it went on for another three weeks. And finally, he was unwound, and what did I find? This is not my husband at all! That is, also by the surname Buteyko, but Anatoly Nikolaevich, whereas mine is Peter Karpovich. However, in the antenatal clinic I was told that it was too late. Of course, you are curious where all this time was my legal? I do not know. Most likely, the one who used the car in a car, and maybe another. In any case, his presence was not observed at home. When after six months he, that is, Buteyko P.K., said, I was already strongly in position from the injured citizen A.N. Buteyko. However, he is categorically unable to marry me, because I am officially married to Buteyko, who is PK, he himself is married to a person, who currently lives abroad, namely in the town of Shebekino of Belgorod. As a result of the erroneous conception I received, I had a daughter by the name of Buteyko, and by patronymic Petrovna, like my eldest, or Anatolyevna, from her damaged father. The fault in all this incident, clearly, lies on your medical institution. Because of my difficult financial situation, I ask you not to refuse my alimentary request. Buteyko MD, nursing mother. newspaper "Trud-7" dated June 24, 2004
Not my military service I was on a large anti-submarine ship of the Northern Fleet. Service as a service: every morning began with waking, building and charging. Our midshipman Dubikov liked to rise right after the team, to build up personnel in a long narrow corridor, before charging, on the subject of morning brainwashing. Uniform, you know, pants and T-shirt. Though our ship was large, but the interior, the cockpits, the passages were all very close, so before the formation we could walk only by touching the opposite bulkhead. This is the preamble. Ambula also happened on one early gloomy morning, when an old admiral was visiting the ship with the inspection. And this headquarters rat was impatient to pass along the said corridor exactly during our construction. Dubikov, having caught sight of the bosses, shouted that they say, quietly, your mother .. And we are so tame, because they are sleepy, only from the bed. The admiral waves his hand, they say, at ease, not up to you, and begins to squeeze sideways in front of the formation, because his staff’s chest and everything else is as it should be. And suddenly he stops short of an unexpected obstacle. I hope you are familiar with the phenomenon of morning erection? Well yes. But with such a phenomenon as the morning erection of the sailor Tyutin, certainly not familiar, because it is - a unique natural phenomenon. And now this eighth wonder of the world, covered with black, tightly stretched satin shorts, the barrier blocked the narrow passage in front of the admiral. Dubikov, being behind the admiral, could not see the reasons for the stoppage and confusion of the big commander. Vasya Tyutin, in turn, with his eyes wide open and his chin up, in fact, apparently, continued to sleep, with all its members simultaneously carrying out the command quietly. “Comrade sailor, let me pass,” the admiral says intelligently. But Vasya, either he does not understand what is being said, or he understands, but he cannot do anything - in short, it is worth it. “Comrade sailor, allow me to pass,” the boss repeats in vain once more. Vasya is in a stupor, the barrier is closed. Here the midshipman finally realizes what's the matter and grunts loudly: - Sailor Tyutin! In-oh-oh! And either Vasya woke up from this scream, or the team, slowly leaking through his ears, finally reached the right place, but a miracle happened. Vasya started, the barrier collapsed and the way was released, the admiral continued his interrupted route. But after this Tyutin, no one else called Yelda. However, he did not take offense
Yesterday happened, the real story. I'm going to go home from work yesterday. Relaxed, the music plays. Kamaz is going to meet me. KAMAZ and KAMAZ. Suddenly, sharply because of him, the car, an old foreign car, goes backwards with the emergency gang turned on and begins to overtake it in reverse! I fucked !!! I could not understand anything, I had to even stop to digest that !!! Then I realized that the gearbox had broken down at the man and he could not go forward, only backwards. I have never seen anything like this in my life !!! Okay, go slowly near the curb, but also to overtake? !!!
Has told the other day aunt. They live in the city and have a small area outside the city - not a dacha - like a potato. And since her husband (my uncle) worked at a large enterprise, then, accordingly, all who work there relied apartments, plots for cottages in the same house or in the same garden society. And it so happened that my uncle and his two friends both had apartments in the same house and land plots nearby. So we went to the "cottages" families. So, one spring it was necessary to go there and plant potatoes. and it so happened that the car was broken, and he went there alone without an aunt, and since the neighbors also need to plant potatoes, the three men loaded one car, did not take wives - like "there is no place and we will plant without you" and go. We arrived - beauty: nature, the complete absence of women and the abundance of vodka. As a result, the potatoes are not planted, vodka is drunk, but when they arrived home, all three reported that they planted the potatoes. Then ETU had to periodically water, weed, starve the Colorado potato beetle. Well, they went to do all this (read to drink vodka) with the same composition - the joys of their wives knew no bounds - what are their economic husbands. The time has come to dig potatoes - it’s not a big deal to cope with, and the wives went to the cottages with them. An oil painting is a plot, last year's tops from potatoes and dimples from the process of digging are also lying around, also last year’s, three men rush to places and use three-storey obscenities — like, we lambed, watered, watered, polished, and which 0 then the bastards have digged everything and have left nothing for us. The most interesting thing - the wife believed. And the truth is my uncle told his aunt only 10 years after what happened. Uncle is alive.
Why do women love men?
How do you think women love men? Do you have a version on this?
If there is, they are almost certainly erroneous. We love you at all not because we need to multiply, but apart from you on this planet it is no longer with whom to do. And not because you can squeeze out two hundred kilograms in a jerk, gazovat in the fairway and duplit since the summer (I hope I used the terminology correctly).

And not even because you have immaculate muscular bodies, piercing blue eyes, wide shoulders, long legs and a powerful chest, to which you want to cuddle ... - so, now the author will go, drink some cold water and continue his thought ... So, on In fact, our love for you sometimes consists of very strange little things.
Of the irrelevant details of your appearance and behavior - which you hardly kept among your merits.

We love when you knock on both cheeks
How you fit a big dinner with a double royal cheeseburger and nine mcnaggetts is a mystery in itself. How are you then able to finish my portion of potatoes - generally incomprehensible. We answer ourselves - this is because you are so big and strong, great and terrible, and you need a huge supply of fuel. It stirs the imagination.

“We ate with him a full dinner at a restaurant — the first, second, and compote,” said Masha, 28, “and two hours later he made a foray into the refrigerator and made himself a sandwich that was scary to drop on the leg. Seeing my amazed eyes, he explained that he eats six times a day. I thought it was terribly sexy! It immediately became interesting: can I satisfy such appetites? ”
So eat for health, only, please, save us from the rolling belching after the meal.

We love it when you sweat
A man, sweaty from physical effort, is a sight from which a woman can also get wet.

Julia, 27, admitted that, watching her husband for all the men's work at the dacha, she just thrilled when she saw his sweat-darkened back: “Most of all I want to pounce on him and fill him up right on the garden bed.”
It is only necessary to take into account that it matters to us, for what you shed sweat. If you are flushed and soaked, while with a string bag in your hands you caught up with the bus in the heat, then we would prefer to stay away from you, fragrant creation.

We love it when you cut down after sex
Here it is, the moment of truth - when you give this deep sigh, you recline in complete exhaustion and close your eyes with the words: “Phew, now, wait, let me just take a breath” ...

Karina, 26, recalled how once her boyfriend just slammed on her stomach in a blackout: “For me, this exhaustion testified to one thing - we both worked hard to fame. I rolled it in the best sense of the word. He even salivated me in the navel let loose when I gently tried to wake him with my elbow. Very dramatic".
Very touching - but only if then you still wake up to say something affectionate and send me mineral water from the kitchen.

We love it when you pretend to be a cool auto mechanic
We already know from you that car breakdowns are of three types: radiator, carburetor and battery. You are very good at it - stare at the engine, frown (I love these wrinkles on your forehead!), Think for about ten minutes and, finally, utter: a carburetor. Or a radiator - I do not care, this is beyond the reach of my mind. I just admire. And then we’ll still drive the car to the service - only to confirm the diagnosis.
True, the same wrinkles enrage me to impossibility, when you frown over the hood in the middle of the Garden Ring at rush hour - and that's because you forgot to refuel.

We love to watch testosterone rage in you.
No matter how we ironically, we like it when you drag us to typical men's gatherings. So you're not afraid to show us to your friends. And besides, to see you in the role of a militant gunna is interesting and exciting.

“I once went on a hockey game with a friend,” says Marina, 30 years old. - Two bottles of beer after my tender and gentle beast began to sparkle with eyes, yelling and thrashing myself on the knees. He clearly wanted the teams to start crushing each other with clubs. I looked at him with complete admiration - for some reason, I was struck wildly by the idea that men are so different from us! ”
But if you begin to share adrenaline with your neighbors in the rostrum, admiration will give way to fear - not at all exciting. And in general, your nose looks much better in an unbroken state and without cotton swabs protruding from the nostrils.

We love it when you can't tie a tie yourself
We readily believe stories about how your native "Syrborneftegaz" is not in a position to conclude any more or less a million contract without your help, but we know that give you free rein and you would go to negotiations with partners in those jeans that cooked still in eighth grade. All that concerns the selection of a tie to the hem on a handkerchief, you cause confusion, and we have - a tide of caring tenderness. Your economic helplessness directly affects our maternal instinct.

“When in front of my eyes he tried to make dumplings by sticking a pack right in the microwave, I started to embrace him with emotion!” Said Tanya, 23 years old.
However, remember - it is necessary to overdo it in debilizm, and we are turning from a mother into a crotch.

We love it when you love all the technical gadgets.
A box with carpentry tools on your balcony causes us to have a holy thrill. Even if the top of your engineering idea is a coca-cola cannon cut in half as an ashtray. We honor your need to dismember the computer and the coffee maker to see what's inside.

And when you all evening with full ecstasy played with my nephew in a toy robot, I was not even offended that you ignored me. I then all night on you actively otkryvalas. But if the role of Samodelkin becomes your life credo, if tomorrow you don’t take the coffeemaker’s body to the garbage bin, if rusty nails, sledgehammers and soldering irons are regularly poured from the shelf in the bathroom, then I will look for myself, boyfriend, or some other circle.

We love listening to you snoring
Yes, we sometimes like to watch you lie on your stomach, unthinkably bending your hand under the pillow, in boxer shorts that slid to the side, announcing the surroundings with the soundtrack to the film “Savanna Inhabitants” (only if these sounds come from the nasopharynx!). The idea that we found you in such an unconscious, natural, helpless state, for some reason, is sweet to us.

Just do not think that this is a permanent emotion. At three in the afternoon on Sunday, after the eighth wake-up, this same pose will turn me into the wicked inhabitant of savanna.

We love when you hug with friends
Hugging, of course, said loudly. We are talking, as a rule, about a vigorous half-second contact with the chest cells, thoroughly spoiled by embarrassed cries of the type “well, fat!” - “yes nothing, bald!” And shoving his fist in the shoulder. At the same time, the desire to scrape a friend in his arms, like any sincere emotional manifestation, rarely leaves women indifferent.

What we regard as affective behavior, from our point of view, is a touching sign of male friendship. And your girlfriend doesn’t interpret it in the right way - you provided her with more than enough evidence for your standard sexual orientation.

We love this tweak by sly
In principle, we do not really like it when we are publicly rumpled and squeezed in public. But when you cannot cope with temptation in passing to hold me, it is quite another matter. That means - I seem sexy to you.

“I adore when my husband and I are standing at a party somewhere, we have small talk, and he comes up and secretly pinches my ass or quietly runs my hand over my chest,” shared Eugene, 31 years old.
The main thing that it was on the sly. Please do not do it inconsiderately, in front of your friends, or we will start to call you with all the “babes” and kiss your face in farewell.

- Why does the beekeeper, when he collects honey, put a net on his head?
If his bees later find out, he will have a khan.
Worse than a husband who does not come home on time, only a husband who does not arrive on time.
My workplace is in a room with two ladies of "basaltic" age. It has long been accustomed to endless conversations about health, neighbors, pickles, marinades, etc., I perceive them simply as boomy radio.
Just one of the ladies for about an hour told another heartbreaking story about someone. Well there, “wife is beaten”, “neighbor? drunk ”,“ daughter ran off with some Georgian ”, etc. An interesting story, I even began to listen, really, until it flashed: “Sorry, I missed one episode ...”