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About brawn
A funny case happened to us with one familiar Spanish family. They invited them to visit and decided to treat them to typical Russian dishes. Including aspic. The guests, having examined the dish, politely noticed that this soup was a bit cold and they obviously forgot to warm it up. Even after a long explanation that this was intended, the Spaniards did not dare to try it.

Scrolled here translation of the English book on human anatomy for kids. A man is depicted, as he is depicted in biological books, such as an incision - a body with internal organs. And the signatures, the brain, the trachea, the lungs, the heart, the stomach, etc. The person is wearing shorts, at first translucent, the color thickens to opaque to the junction of the legs. And among the names of human organs there is an organ - Shorts. And then again - the femur, etc.

Idle scanner
And the point is this: they called me to the same office, to fix something, and they also asked me to deal with the scanner, which supposedly stopped working. I go to the office of my boss, an important person like that, 55 years old, and I see such a crap handheld scanner on the table. Only I try to take this product, as a hysterical commanding yell is heard:
- Do not you dare! I do not allow anyone to touch anything in my office! I'll show it all myself!
After that, he sits down in a chair, pulls out a document from the desk drawer, puts it on the table and the circus begins:
a scanner is taken in the left hand, in its 25-pin connector in the right, a complex thought process is displayed on the face, after which the cord of the scanner decorously enters the technological connector hanging on the wall of the mini-PBX. You still have a laugh, and I will continue to talk.
The scanner is slowly but very much rolled on the underlying document and placed on the table strictly upwards (so that the information is not erased?). The document is put aside and the tension of thought is displayed again on the face, which ends with the following actions: the index finger is slobbering, a blank sheet of paper is removed from the pack, placed on the table and slowly and heavily rolled by the same unhappy scanner.
After that, the paper sheet is brought to the face and for some time it is carefully studied from both sides and against the light.
The focus failed and the paper remained clean.
The scanner is pulled out of the PBX and the verdict is rendered
- Does not work.
A curtain. Want to know how I otmazalsya from this event? I simply demanded a diagram of the indicated device, which was searched in the table, in the closet, in the tables of all the employees and, naturally, was not found.

Printer hanged
The staff of our company serves a network of retail outlets. During the shift change (at 8 o'clock in the morning) calls from frightened aunts-operators go regularly. And here is an oil painting: another call with a cry for help - our printer hanged itself. People are trying to figure out what happened, as it hung ...
At the other end of the wire is just a tantrum - that's all.
They take the car to go to the "scene", go into the room and on the background of the window, the blinds drawn, see:
dangling printer with a cord pulled out of the socket. In short, the rope from the blinds got inside, wound ...
I hope everyone represents how the people in the office narrated :)

Phrases that can spoil everything.

Sometimes it's better to be silent than to talk. It is absolutely not necessary to chew.
You go on a date. You are young, good-looking, earn good money. Your career is taking off. You are clean shaved and smell nice cologne.
Your tie is beautiful, the shirt is fresh, shoes and teeth are brushed to shine, elegant dark gray socks are strung like a string.
You rush to the woman. You just recently met, but it seems that you are already in love with her. Speaking frankly, you just completely fell into her hands. And you have good reason to hope for reciprocity. Perhaps today you are her ...
... But after a couple of hours you lash home. Tie dejectedly hangs. Complete failure. No, well, at first everything was just great! And suddenly something happened to her. She became boring, angry and quickly disappeared.
What's the matter, huh? Maybe she has just schizophrenia with sudden mood swings? ..
HARDLY. RATHER FAST, YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING NOT THAT. And even this did not notice. Actually, talking to women is not that difficult. To do this, it is not necessary to be a rocket scientist and complete special psychological courses.
Just try to avoid the typical mistakes that most often lead to fatal consequences. In our opinion, there are about fifteen of them.
1. "Wow! You have torn tights!"
Do you know the difference between a gentleman and a well-mannered person? If a well-mannered person accidentally enters the bathroom, where an unfamiliar lady washes, he exclaims: "A thousand apologies, madam!" And the gentleman calmly says: "Sorry, sir, I seem to have forgotten my glasses here."
I put 100 against 1, that she already knows. Before you, the terrible news about the tights she told the five colleagues, the boss, the guard and eleven accidental passersby. To imagine how she now feels, imagine that you forgot to wear pants and came to the restaurant in blue pants.
In fact, she could easily cancel the date. Small troubles, be it a broken nail or a stain on a blouse, often seem like a disaster to a woman. But she still came. Because I wanted to see you and sincerely hoped that you would not notice anything. Or notice, but act like that gentleman. Alas, she was cruelly mistaken.

2. "You are very beautiful! Well, just like Christina Orbakaite!"
On the way to a date, repeat the mantra: "She is the best, she is the best!"
This will help you avoid comparisons fraught with unpredictable
the consequences. "Do you think I look like this freak ?!" here is the softest thing you can hear back.
If you compare it with Venus de Milos, she decides that you are hinting at her coldness and armlessness. If with your beloved grandmother Anfisa Vsevolodovna risk getting a slap. Consider that comparing a woman with men ("Honey, you work like Carlo's dad!" Or "Ha-ha-ha! Well, you are right. It's not recommended either."
But this phenomenon has the opposite effect: the phrase "You are absolutely not like anyone!" your friend will take it as a compliment. Is always. Even if you really meant her unique ability to drop pizza five times an hour.

3. "What is your orgasm? Vaginal or clitoral?"
Awkward attempts to talk on such a delicate subject will not lead to anything good. Women do not like to talk about sex, at least before it starts. Do not paint your fantastic erection. And please do not retell her articles from our magazine, they are not written for this.
If you are lucky, she will give you a chance to demonstrate all your sexual talents, knowledge and skills in practice. More business, less words!

4. "Are you divorced? Or have you never been married?"
Destroyed or failed marriage, this topic will not please your companion, especially if she is already over twenty. She was going to have a good time with you, so why remind her of something unpleasant? There is such a juicy moment: your lady may well be married.
The terrible situation in which you put it with your question will in no way contribute to your rapprochement. And what if she answers "I am a widow" and sneaks away a tear? Here you are in an awkward position.
The rest of the evening will be devoted to embarrassing apologies and talking about the untimely deceased. Who needs it?
You can be sure that if you don’t pester with questions and manage to trust the young lady, very soon you will know EVERYTHING about her personal life. And even more. Truth be told, you’ll dream that she will finally stop describing the scene of the dating of her second husband and fifteenth lover!
But at this stage you should not call her to frankness. It is better to leave everything too personal and sad (death, illness, abortion, dismissal) for later.

5. "I have no luck all my life ..."
Pity brings together. Be sure to tell her how cruelly insults you evil boss. Do not forget to mention that your wallet was stolen, your favorite cactus withered and your exercise bike broke. Add a billboard that recently fell on your car, and it starts to cry on your shoulder, saying:
"Poor you, poor ..."
Then he blows his nose, pays for your coffee and leaves forever, leaving a pack of paper handkerchiefs in his memory.
In the eyes of a woman, a loser is not the most attractive male type. In particular, if a loser is also a self-confident bore. Therefore, even if lately your business is not going too bright, do not whine:
complaints are unlikely to improve the situation.

6. "You need to play sports!"

A friend of mine believes that this phrase is most often pronounced by men who are familiar with only two types of physical exercise: football on TV and artistic rowing. All day, you know, rowing and rowing food from the fridge! You, of course, not one of them. But even if you are not getting out of the gym and colleagues respectfully call you Van Damm, this is still no reason to insult your Van Dam! For your call to the female language translates as: "In my opinion, you are too fat!". Do you know what will happen next? Either you will never see again, or in half a year she will turn into a skeleton, and in windy weather she will have to carry a couple of irons with her so as not to blow away.
.... And maybe you just wanted to invite her to play a game of chess?

7. "I bought a castle in Monte Carlo last summer, but it doesn’t compare with my residence in Hawaii."

You have not been taught in childhood, that bragging is not good? Or do you consider money as your only manhood?
Of course, if you are sure that your companion also has his own villa in the Bahamas and a six-digit bank account, then everything is ok.

8. "The woman behind the wheel is a natural disaster!"
Since this is a men's magazine, I, of course, will not write anything about the fact that women know traffic rules better, they drive more carefully, and their reaction is quick. What for? The editor will still strike out. There is a much more flattering idea for you:
a woman by nature a terrible coward. She is simply afraid to overtake and trim, and speeding up to 45 km / h, she feels like an adversary.
And only therefore less likely to get into an accident.
But seriously, before you allow yourself such generalizations, make sure that your girlfriend really leads you much worse than you. And if she did not study at the Academy of Physical Education in the specialty "autosport"?
In life, anything can happen.
And do not forget that a woman driver in some situations may be very helpful. For example, on a frosty winter evening after a corporate bachelor party you don’t have to trample on an empty highway: it will come and take you to your destination. Of course, provided that you change the wording: "The woman behind the wheel is ... so comfortable!"

They bring somehow two cops from the night shift to the detoxification center, but they don’t stand at all - they don’t keep on their feet, they can’t say anything, and pardon me. Take a sample on agkogol, and they are sober as glass! Later, the cops came to their senses, and this is what they told: they appointed them to watch the night shift in the park on the alley of amusements. Well, there are all kinds of damn wheels, merry-go-rounds, etc. And, among other things, a merry-go-round called Surprise. This is such a healthy circle, on the perimeter of which are standing places. It begins to rotate and from the horizontal plane to the vertical - people are held along the sides by centrifugal force. Then all this business from the knife switch is turned off and this circle again goes into the horizontal plane and stops. So these two friends decided to go. One climbed to the attraction. Another turned it on ...
And while he accelerated, he jumped too ...
The watchman arrived at 6 in the morning ...

There are qualifying armwrestling competitions. Against a person with the complex "shaved wardrobe with a mezzanine" goes "long and skinny" (apparently to argue). When the judge gave the command to start and removed his hand from the hands of partners, the skinny lifted and kissed the closet on his bald head ... then calmly throws down his hand ... The skinny won the round, and while he was running away, the angry cabinet was kept by the audience ...

You will not recognise me?
Rode the bus and watched this very picture. A drunk man comes on the bus and sits down. A grandmother-conductor comes up and asks what his fare is for. Next comes the following dialog. Man:
- You will not recognise me?
The conductor, with a dull mug:
- Not!
- Do not seriously do not know?
The conductor, with even more stupid mug:
- Not!!!
- No, well, what in nature do not know?
The conductor, furiously:
- Not!!! Who are you?
Man, with a contented look:
- Duc I am a hare.
I'm crying.

Stage One: Romantic.
The first weeks of living together are characterized by heightened accuracy on both sides, frequent sex in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the bed, on the wall, on the chandelier, and God knows where else. The aunt shaves her legs every day and puts on beautiful panties even under jeans, she herself is shocked by her culinary talents, the entire apartment is wax-tinted from romantic candles. Muschshchina is also always clean-shaven, gently hides socks in an unknown place, does the dishes, meekly takes out the garbage, drags expensive products, makes coffee in the mornings and brings him to bed. BUT, you really worry about how to quietly poke around. It is impossible to fart smell in the tubzik of a romantic beauty. Not wanting to float off the turd turns into a problem of a universal scale.

Stage two: addictive.
The first six months of living together are characterized by gradual settling down. The toilet problem has disappeared, the red panties from the rubbing anus of the tulle have given way to sports underwear, the stains from the candles are scraped off. Sex is regular, but more and more traditional. The legs are shaving daily, but you can already afford to wander around the apartment in an old stretched T-shirt with a big inscription F .. PA (a gift from friends for the 18th anniversary). The aunt goes to the traditional menu, or even to the McDonalds or crab sticks. Muschshcha ceases to wash the dishes, but the garbage and the dog are still behind him. In general, everything is fine, BUT: during this period, the first quarrels about the scattered clothes, mud and other stuff put on by the boots - nonsense, cash, but the tetk nature of such things cannot be forgiven! Hard time, the strongest survive!

Stage three: young family.
The first one and a half to two years of living together is already a serious relationship. Moms and dads have already gotten married, they are waiting - they will not wait for when it will be possible to call relatives from Ukraine to eat salads at your wedding. During this period, roles are established, responsibilities are distributed, someone is engaged in budget allocation, someone has economic problems, etc. (and more recently I have been meeting couples in which my aunt is the first and last roles are not axiomatic) .Sex - at will, couples who are muzzled by the office life find their strength for this physical feat less often. The aunt goes to bed in a ducky nightgown and throws it on the daily shaving of the legs; stretched seme ynikiki. Farting in the toilet and unsinkable shit - a reason for the family rzhachki, scattered clothes, a reason for sawing, trash and dog-mood.

Stage Four: Family.
Three to five years of living together, whether there is a stamp in the passport is absolutely not important. Oh, this is a great time! My aunt and muschschina are so intimate that they can do such wonderful things as squeezing acne on each other’s back, examining and treating sores of each other, staggering around the apartment in unshaven legs and armpits, in severe cases in hair curlers and dirty dressing gowns without problems. Budget general, the dishes were washed weak, the dog died, the bin was taken out after a long psychological treatment. They say that this period accounts for the largest percentage of divorces - like any routine, family life can get bored: back acne can easily be lost by another aunt's red tulle shorts.

A man in the female team.

First week at work.
Well, just death! That's what I successfully got - eight women in the room, for every taste! Still, it's great to work with women - clean, comfortable, flowers, cacti! Homemade dinners are fed - grace! To the right you look at someone's thread ass, to the left - a leg, and such a chest sits next to me! Everyone quietly does something, the working moments are discussed in a whisper, no one yells obscenities and does not laugh at the udaff.som jokes. Shoot eyes, sparkle stockings: Well, wail, guys, I'm in paradise!
Month at work.
The chest is close by, the most beautiful legs in the room are lesbian. But in general - nothing! I work in three directions - a widow aged at the window, a young trainee is at the door, and I don’t leave my chest beside me (if there is at least one chance, we must take it!). The widow wears lunch, the trainer brings to the subway, the chest next inspires. Yesterday I told the girls a vulgar anecdote, they turned red, but they giggled — normal aunts! They like to secret things - they will gather at someone's computer thread and whisper to themselves, I come up - they disagree. Funny! .. Three months at work. Breast quit, the intern has disappeared, the widow has switched to a new object. He put his aunts on Udaff.som, hung over the entrance a poster "All power - padonkah". Feeding, painting and whispering ceased - they discuss laying out loud: my mother, how much they have there all heaped up! Now I am passing a master class "Female Orgasm for Dummies" - I receive first-hand information: I learned how to distinguish a fake from a real one. Eh, suddenly still lucky, and comes to practice? I go for tea rolls, carry heavy folders, move tables. In general, it is tolerable, but here would be another man here at least one - it would be more fun.

Six months at work.
I know everything. The gynecologist for insurance is a man, Leonid Arkadyevich, panty liners for every day is harmful, you often want to write during pregnancy, you should change the tampon every four hours, during menstruation they drink a nose, a bra and underpants should be of the same color, varnish on the arms and legs - also . L'Oreal and Bourgeois - rolls, Garnier - shit, men goats (the actual base is under application), George Clooney - honey, preziki are often rubbed, Poor Nastya is a serial, not an abstract loser. Aunts often quarrel among themselves, but in the end I always get it - at the first sign of a scandal I press into a chair and mimic under the keyboard. Damn, how hard it is with them - would have taken at least one more normal guy !!!

Seven months at work.
What could be worse than ICP on March 8? Only PMS in eight aunts in the same room on the eve of the eighth of March. I am silent. I am transparent. I am not, this is an illusion. The main thing is not to move - there is a maza to get a hole punch on the head: I bought them a cake, and they all got on the diet - I stumbled. Kick, guys, I'm in hell!

Year at work.
Yesterday was appointed head of the department. Today, I took to work one with the chest and one with the legs, threw all the cacti and hole punching into the hell. Again began to feed, be silent and smile: Chest planted next to him. Still, there is a buzz in the work in the women's team, men, I answer!

Woman in the men's team

First month. Hello!
This is horror - there are only men around! I am alone, and there are ten of them (and there are cute ones among them)! You can go crazy: it is better not to wear a skirt (it’s like being naked), not to ask anyone for anything (or there will be a crowd of noisy men around you for an hour), you can’t pee (there is a group of smoking employees in front of the cardboard door to the toilet (and Of course, they are all cute.) Everyone is working hard - staring at the monitor like crazy. You can't talk to your friend - all men talk on the phone for no longer than 5 minutes and you’re not working on the site with tights, and you won’t discuss Jennifer Lopez You can go mad!

Second month. Well, seemingly nothing.
You can write to the neighbors (there is a separate female toilet), on the site with tights you can sit, if you make a brick face. Jennifer Lopez is not rolling here, some Anita Blond is rolling. All the talk about winter tires, motor oil and computer brains, my Peugeot 206 causes them to contempt convulsions. Everything is much calmer to my requests, the handsome men are getting smaller every day.

Third month. You can live.
Anita Blonde is a German woman with a chest of 10 numbers, and Jennifer Lopez really doesn’t roll against her. Studded tires - sucks, now nobody rides on it, the best oil is synthetic, the site with tights is approved, the girlfriend is presented and also approved. The skirt is approved, the number of handsome men has decreased to one. The men at the Tubzik evaporate after the phrase: "Boys, I want to write," the phrase on the phone, "I'm on another level!" refers to the network shooter, and not to hard work.

Sixth month. All yours.
I changed Peugeot for nine, I didn't know how to ride on the sludge, Lopez had a fat ass - he wasn’t rolling, yesterday the logistics department was dealt with the men at Doom, with a box of beer. Ordered on the site prostitutes - advised her guys how to distinguish native boobs from silicone. Okay, guys, go with the poss. Not one pretty face, even though the job change!

Year. Bro.
Changed the brains of the company, got men in a walker, took the sysadmin on Friday. Yesterday a new girl came, nothing like that, with a strong ass. Hesitates to go to the toilet and sit on women's sites. Saga

Note found on the windshield:

It is not joke !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


From March 1, 200 * year your car "Toyota Lexus" state. No 307-56 is located in the parking lot near the house on the street. Lermontov, 10.

Every night, the residents of this house are forced to listen for several hours to the various play of melodies issued by the burglar alarm of your car. During this time you have never deigned to remotely or directly cancel the alarm, having the opportunity to do so. But you are completely unable to wake up after your nightly orgies and turn off your siren.

I have a huge request for you: to treat people living next to you more respectfully and try to continue to control the sounds made by your new beautiful car. I strongly recommend that in the coming days you should make it a rule to turn off false alarms issued by your car’s security system at the slightest extraneous sounds, such as passing a patrol car along this parking area, barking stray dogs, short-time alarm on a nearby car, etc.

In the event that my request is not satisfied in the near future (two days), and the disregard of disabling the alarm signal for 10 minutes, your luxury car will suffer the following fate:

First, with a polished drill, I’ll almost silently break through the driver’s door glass, enter the salon and press the hood release button. If the alarm does not give a command to unlock the lock, then I will mount the hood slightly and, through the 2-cm slot, bite the hydraulic lock with a scissors knob to lock the hood and penetrate the engine compartment and break your plastic siren on the x # $ e # $ signaling alarm. Then I will pull out the ignition wires and put up my "spider" of wires with a pulse dispensing processor.

Following the "siren" fly and snacks on the steering wheel and pedals. Then I connect a hose from a pre-stored 5-liter gas canister to the fuel injection system and throw it right under the hood. There will also stretch the "whip" of wires, to bypass the electrical system.

A minute later I will transfer the multi-lock lock cylinder on the gearbox with hydrotisks and start the engine. In two minutes and twenty seconds I will leave the parking lot on your Lexus.

After a week of unsuccessful search, when the power supply of the immobilizer sits down, I will pull a car from a river in a secluded place out of the river, find an immobilizer and do it for preventive maintenance in a rented garage. And a week later, your former car will be squeaking with a new alarm system from another n # $% pa like you, in another yard, in another city, where, fortunately, I will not be there at that moment.

You have two days to think about. During this time, I will try to improve my skills and try to hijack your car in 53 seconds, like the # #% "Lincoln Navigator" that gave night concerts under the windows of my mother's apartment ...

THE GREAT AND MOGUCH NOT ONLY RUSSIAN (the real story of the discrepancies)

A certain young lady successfully settled in her specialty (engineer) into a reputable Israeli firm. Quickly mastered, received a decent salary, bought a car. And so it took her to go on business, she asked for leave from the head of the warden and went. And the boss made a meeting. Everyone is sitting, talking and then the call. The chief was too lazy to pick up the phone and pressed the selector button, as a result, the whole team heard a touching story in still weak Hebrew:
“Chaim, I am in trouble. I went out on the road (here it is, the promised difference: Hebrew is identical to Russian“ came out on the panel ”) and some goat fucked me from behind. I told him,“ What are you doing? ”, And he” You are to blame yourself. "I say" I am not to blame. If you fucked me in front, you could argue, but you fucked me from behind, so pay the money. "And he says," You got up so that I could not fuck you. "I explain to him that it does not matter because the one who fucks from behind always pays, but he says that he does not want to pay, and I say that I have men who will not give anyone who wants to fuck me from behind and not pay money. Haim, come you are welcome".
The employees turned out to be gentlemen, and when they could get out from under the table, they plunged into the car and went to rescue the victim. She worked at the company for a long time, promoted, but from time to time one of the old-timers was interested in her, how much does it cost to fuck her from behind.
The inscriptions on the mattresses
Pioneers - suckers! 1991
Pioneers - Chmyri! 1992
And who are the pioneers? 1996
I want to go home! Olezhka, the 3rd detachment, 1997
We are very sad, so we don’t want to leave! .. Hooray !!! There was a fire at my father's factory and a bus did not come after us !!! Stay another day! Hooray!!! Anya and Olya, 3 squad, 1997
The leader of the 7th detachment is a fool! Sergey, senior teacher.
I want to go home! Olezha, 2 squad, 1998
And I bought something Dendy! Sanka, 2 neg.
And ME - SEGA! Lech, 2 neg.
I just humiliated less! Sanka, 2 neg.
Sasha has been resting here for the third year already, he likes everything, thank you so much! Antonina Nikolaevna, mother.
This we told mamma Sani Lysy that this is a mattress of complaints and suggestions! And she believed it! Gee-gee !!! Boys 2 Neg.
Last night, the boys from the 4th detachment fastened me to this mattress.
Fastened and left. Children ... Lucy, leader of the 4th detachment.-
Zemfira - RULEZ! Tired up in this gadyushnik with poppy youngsters!
Zemfira, if you did not like working in our camp, you could write a statement.
Pathways of 2 neg. SMOKED!
And beat the informers! Gee-gee !!! Boys 2 Neg.
I love Sergey from 6 squad! Olya from 5 neg.
I love Olga from 5 squad! Serezha from 6 squad.
I want to go home! Oleg, 1 squad, 1999
What a fool I was! Serezha from 5 squad.
Yes, you were a fool! Olya from the 4th detachment.-
Sasha Masha = L! Jean, 1 squad.
Jean! Stop singing! Zadolbal!
Fizruk is a fool! Girls 3 Neg.
You yourself are fools who write on mattresses like this! It seems to be adults, they should understand that only stupid little children write on mattresses!
All mattress will be recorded - there is no place for a clever person to insert words!
The teacher - sucks! And we are the type of cool cormorants and all that! B. and B., not in the detachment, but drove to the telka ...
I want to go home! Oleg, counselor, 2000
Stop writing on mattresses! Olya, 2 neg.
Olya, put the stress in the word "write"! Kostya, 2 neg.
Gee-gee !!! Boys 2 Neg.
Anarchy - mother of charging! In the third unit there is a thin boy, and the cook stole a kilogram of butter! The system of our camp dulls the free personality! Give the UN address !!! Ksyusha, 7 years old, 8 squad.
Write to me at the address: Kemerovo Region, Kurkino Village, ul. Bold Animal Breeders, d. 7 Olya, 5 neg. 2000
Index sign, scarecrow! Such boys missed! Gee-gee !!! Boys 2 Ot.- I want to go home! Oleg, educator, 2001
Yura rods !!! Backstreet Boys, VIRUS !!! Natach, 4 neg.
Why do you disgrace the squad, gopot ?! BlackHateGirl, 4 graded
Shcha neformalke all pins from the nose pull out! Nataha, Mach and implied Gray and Kostya, 4 neg.
Mom, take me out of here! Anton, 8 years old.
Anton, and for what 8 years? Gee-gee !!! Boys 2 Neg.
I want to go home! Oleg Ivanovich, a senior educator, 2002
If you are reading this mattress, then I am no longer in the camp ..
Anton Vera = L. Sasha Vera = L. Anton Seryoga = L ... Seryoga and Anton! Here either L or D!
I want to go home! Oleg Ivanych, camp director, 2003
What an old mattress! Urgently replaced! Castellans, 2003