Dirty tricks that all manipulators and slippery people use - have you already hooked on them?
Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often demonstrate inadequate behavior in relationships, as a result of exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners or partners, relatives and friends.
They use a lot of distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening to her. These methods are used not only by narcissistic personalities, but it is narcissists prone to domination who resort to them especially often to avoid responsibility for their actions.
So, here are the distracting maneuvers with which unhealthy people humiliate and make you silent.
Gazlayting is a manipulative device, which is easiest to illustrate with such typical phrases: "There was no such thing", "It seemed to you" and "Are you out of your mind?". Gazlayting - perhaps, one of the most insidious methods of manipulation, because it is aimed at distorting and undermining your sense of reality; It corrodes your ability to trust yourself, and as a result, you begin to doubt the validity of your complaints of abuse and ill-treatment.
When a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath uses this tactic against you, you automatically take his side to settle the cognitive dissonance that has arisen. In your soul, two irreconcilable reactions are struggling: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is completely out of the question, and the last is a true truth, indicating your inadequacy.
In order to successfully resist gazailing, it is very important to find support in your own reality: sometimes it's enough to write down what is happening in the diary, tell your friends or share with the support group. The value of outside support is that it can help you break out of the distorted reality of the manipulator and look at things yourself.
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person chronically does not want to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. The projection is a protective mechanism used to displace responsibility for their negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids acknowledging his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
Although we all use the projection to some extent, the clinical expert on narcissistic disorder Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that narcissus projections often become a form of psychological abuse.
Instead of recognizing their own shortcomings, flaws and misdemeanors, daffodils and sociopaths prefer to dump their own vices on their unsuspecting victims, and in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of admitting that they would not be bothered to take care of themselves, they prefer to instill a sense of shame to their victims, shifting their responsibility for their behavior to them. Thus narcissus causes others to experience that bitter shame, which they feel towards themselves.
For example, a pathological liar can blame his partner for lying; A needy wife can call her husband "sticky" in an attempt to expose it as dependent; A bad worker can call the boss inefficient to avoid a true conversation about his own performance.
Narcissistic sadists love to play "shifting guilt". Goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result - you or the whole world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. Thus, you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in response you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. It's classy, is not it?
Decision? Do not "project" your own sense of compassion or sympathy for a destructive person and do not take his poisonous projections onto yourself. As the expert in manipulation Dr. George Simon writes in his book "In Sheep's Clothing" (2010), projecting one's conscientiousness and value system on others can encourage further exploitation.
Daffodils at the extreme end of the spectrum, as a rule, are completely not interested in introspection and change. It is important as soon as possible to break off all sorts of relationships and links with destructive people, to lean on our own reality and begin to appreciate ourselves. You do not have to live in a cloak of other people's dysfunctions.
3. Useless pointless conversations
If you are looking for thoughtful communication with a destructive person, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive companion, you will receive an epic brainstorm.
Narcissuses and sociopaths use a stream of consciousness, conversations in a circle, the transition to personalities, projection and gas galling to confuse you and confuse you, it is worth only disagreeing or challenging them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and upset you, take you away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.
Ten minutes of arguing with the daffodil is enough - and you are already wondering how you got involved in it at all. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, but now all your childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and omniscient, which leads to a so-called narcissistic trauma.
Remember: destructive people do not argue with you, they, in fact, argue with themselves, you are only an accomplice in a long, harassing monologue. They adore drama and live for it. Trying to pick up an argument that refutes their ridiculous statements, you just throw the fireballs into the fire. Do not feed daffodils - better feed yourself an understanding that the problem is not in you, but in their abusive behavior. Stop talking as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend that time on something pleasant.
4. Generalizations and allegations
Narcissus can not always boast of an outstanding intellect - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of spending time and understanding different points of view, they make generalizations based on any of your words, ignoring the nuances of your argumentation and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it's even easier to put a label on you - it automatically crosses out the value of any of your applications.
On a broader scale, generalizations and unfounded statements are often used to depreciate phenomena that do not fit in groundless social prejudices, schemes and stereotypes; They are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus, one aspect of the problem is so inflated that a serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular personalities are accused of rape, many are immediately taken to shout that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do happen, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the concrete charge is ignored.
Such everyday manifestations of microaggression are typical for destructive relationships. For example, you tell a daffodil that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unsubstantiated assertion about your hypersensitivity or a generalization of the type: "You are always unhappy with everything" or "You generally do not like anything" , instead of paying attention to A real problem. Yes, you may sometimes show hypersensitivity - but it is no less likely that your abuser shows insensitivity and callousness most of the time.
Do not back off from the truth and try to resist unreasonable generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Behind the destructive people, scattered unfounded generalizations, all the wealth of human experience is not worth - only their own limited experience, coupled with a bloated sense of self-worth.
5. Intentional perversion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of total absurdity
In the hands of a narcissist or a sociopath, your differences of opinion, fully justified emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and the evidence of your irrationality.
Narcissuses make up all kinds of fables, paraphrasing what you said so that your position looks absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you do not like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: "Oh, and you have, then, is perfection itself?" Or "That is, in your opinion, is it bad?" - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you are trying to set boundaries.
This common distracting maneuver is a cognitive distortion, which is called "reading thoughts." Destructive people are sure that they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly make hasty conclusions based on their own reactions, instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause. Great masters of putting words into someone else's mouth, they expose you as carriers of very wildest intentions and opinions. They accuse you that you consider them inadequate, even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a kind of proactive protection.
The best way to draw a clear line in communicating with such a person is simply to say: "I did not say that" , stopping the conversation if he continues to accuse you of something you did not do and did not say. As long as the destructive person has the ability to shift the blame and lead the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to inspire you with a sense of shame for having dared to contradict him in some way.
6. Catching and changing the rules of the game
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" have not the slightest desire to help you become better - they just like to pick on, humiliate and make you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to sophistry, which is called "changing the rules of the game," to ensure that they have every reason to be constantly unhappy with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence in support of your argument or taken all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new claim or want more evidence.
Do you have a successful career? Narcissus will quibble why you are still not a multi-millionaire. Did you satisfy his need to be cared for 24 hours a day? And now prove that you can remain "independent" . The rules of the game will constantly change and can easily contradict each other; The only purpose of this game is to get you to get attention and approval of the narcissus.
Constantly overstating the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new, destructive manipulators can instill in you an all-pervasive sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inconsistency. By singling out one minor episode or one of your blunders and blowing it up to a gigantic size, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own merits and instead experience all the time because of your weaknesses or weaknesses. This makes you think about the new expectations that you now have to meet, and as a result you are out of your skin to satisfy any of his demands - and in the end it turns out that he treats you all just as badly.
Do not be fooled by the nit-picking and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck a small episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to prove your rightness or satisfy his demands, then it does not motivate you to understand you. It is motivated by the desire to inspire you with the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn its approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person, and do not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.
7. Change of subject to avoid responsibility
I call this maneuver "Syndrome A-how-do-I?" . This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion with a view to shifting attention to a completely different one. Narcissuses do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they lead the conversation in the direction they need. Are you complaining that he does not give time to children? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver does not know any temporary or thematic framework and often begins with the words: "And when you ..."
At the public level, these techniques are used to frustrate discussions that cast doubt on the status quo. Talking about gay rights, for example, can be frustrated, it is only for one of the participants to raise the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the initial dispute.
As Tara Moss, the author of the book Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls , needs specificity for proper consideration and resolution, this does not mean that the issues raised in passing are not important, it simply means that for each topic there is Its time and its context.
Do not be distructed; If someone tries to substitute concepts, use the method of "zaevshey plate" , as I call it: continue to persistently repeat the facts, without going away from the topic. Translate the arrows back, say: "I'm not talking about this now. Let's not get distracted . " If it does not help, stop the conversation and direct your energy to a more useful channel - for example, find an interlocutor who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old baby.
8. Hidden and obvious threats
Daffodils and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world is indebted to them, a false sense of superiority, or colossal vanity is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and at the same time punish you for inconsistency with their unattainable expectations.
Instead of trying to resolve differences and seek a compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to accustom you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or failure to comply with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is "do it, otherwise I will do it . "
If, in response to your attempts to identify a face or express an excellent opinion, you hear an orderly tone and a threat, whether it be veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: before you is a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never go to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the daffodil that you are not joking: if possible, document them and notify them to the proper authorities.
Daffodils preemptively inflate the elephant from the mole, and they need to feel the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise, inflicts a narcissistic trauma that leads to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Gulston, narcissistic rage is the result of not low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.
At the lowest representatives of this type narcissistic rage takes the form of insults, when they can not otherwise affect your opinion or emotions. Insults are a simple and quick way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your mental faculties, appearance or behavior, simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.
Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and ideas. A reasoned point of view or convincing refutation suddenly becomes " ridiculous " or "idiotic" in the hands of a narcissist or a sociopath who feels hurt, but can not object on substance. Not finding the strength to attack your argument, the narcissus attacks you, seeking to undermine your authority in every possible way and question your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and unequivocally state that you do not intend to endure it. Do not take it personally: understand, they resort to insults only because they do not know other ways to convey their point of view.
Destructive people accustom you to associate your strengths, talents and happy memories with cruel treatment, disappointment and disrespect. To this end, they casually allow pejorative statements about your qualities and qualities that they once admired, and also sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, holidays and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov's dogs, are essentially "trained" , making you afraid to do everything that once made your life full.
Daffodils, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive persons do this to divert attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the center of attention all the time. At the stage of idealization, you were the center of the world of narcissus - and now narcissus should be the center of your world.
In addition, daffodils are inherently pathologically jealous and can not stand the thought that something can at least a little protect you from their influence. For them, your happiness is all that is inaccessible to them in their emotionally scarce existence. After all, if you find that you can get respect, love and support from someone who is not destructive, then what will keep you from parting with them? In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to make you walk on tiptoe and always stop halfway to the dream.
11. Slander and harassment
When destructive individuals can not control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; They take the role of a martyr, exposing you as destructive. Slander and gossip is a pre-emptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you do not have support in case you still decide to break off your relationship and get away from a destructive partner. They can even persecute and harass you or your friends, supposedly to "expose" you; Such "exposure" is just a way to hide your own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.
Sometimes gossip hardens against each other or even whole groups of people. A victim in a destructive relationship with a daffodil often does not know what is being said about her until the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when they crumble.
Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and in your face too), tell stories about you to yours or your loved ones, dissolve rumors that set you up as an aggressor, and them as a victim, and ascribe to you exactly such actions, accusations of which on your part they Most feared. In addition, they will methodically, secretly and deliberately abuse you, then to bring your reactions as evidence that they are the "victim" in your relationship.
The best way to counteract slander is to always keep yourself in hand and stick to the facts. This is especially true for conflict divorce with narcissus, which can specifically provoke you, then to use your reactions against you. If possible, document any form of harassment, intimidation and insult (including online), try to communicate with narcissus only through your lawyer. If it is a matter of harassment and intimidation, one should turn to law enforcement; It is desirable to find a lawyer who is well versed in narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for themselves when the mask begins to slide from the narcissus.
12. Bombardment of love and devaluation
Destructive people take you through the stage of idealization, until you peck at the bait and start a friendly or romantic relationship with them. Then they are taken to depreciate you, expressing contempt for everything that they originally attracted you. Another typical case is when a destructive person takes you up on a pedestal and starts aggressively depreciating and humiliating someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.
Daffodils do this all the time: they abuse their former with new partners / partners, and in time they start to treat the new ones with the same disdain. In the end, any partner of the narcissus will experience the same things as the previous ones. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become the next former, which he will equally abuse with his next girlfriend. You just do not know it yet. So do not forget about the method of bombardment with love, if the behavior of your partner with others is in stark contrast to that sugary sweetness that he demonstrates in his relations with you.
As advised by the personal growth instructor Wendy Powell, a good way to withstand the love bombing of a person who seems potentially destructive to you is not to rush. Keep in mind: the way a person speaks about others can foretell how he will one day treat you.
13. Preventive Defense
When someone emphatically emphasizes that he (a) is a "good guy" or "a good girl" , one immediately assumes that you should "trust him (her)" , or for no reason assures you of his honesty - be careful.
Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you have to "trust" them , without first creating a solid foundation for such trust. They can skillfully "camouflage" , depicting a high level of empathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to then reveal their true identity. When the cycle of violence reaches the stage of depreciation, the mask begins to crawl, and you see their true nature: horribly cold, hard and scornful.
True good people rarely have to boast of their positive qualities - they tend to exude warmth than they say about it, and know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect is a two-way street that requires reciprocity, not permanent suggestion.
To resist preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks that you do not trust him, or because he knows that he is not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by deeds; It is actions that will tell you whether the person is in front of you for whom he claims to be.
A reference to the view, point of view or threat of involving an outsider in the dynamics of communication is called "triangulation" . A common method for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and devaluing the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to the emergence of love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unbalanced.
Narcissus loves to triangulate partner / partner with strangers, colleagues, former spouses, friends and even family members to cause jealousy and uncertainty in them. They also use the opinions of others to confirm their point of view.
This maneuver is designed to divert your attention from psychological violence and to present narcissus in a positive image of a popular, desired person. Plus you start to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out I'm still wrong? In fact, daffodils happily "retell" to you the mucks allegedly said about you by others, while they themselves say nasty things behind your back.
To resist triangulation, remember: whoever the narcissus is triangulating with, this person is also triangulated by your relationship with the daffodil. In fact, narcissus directs all roles. Answer it with your own "triangulation" - find support from a third party outside of it, and do not forget that your position also has value.
15. Lure and pretend innocent
Destructive individuals create a false sense of security so that it is easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. It is worth such a person to involve you in a senseless, accidental quarrel - and it will quickly grow into disassembly, because he does not know the feeling of respect. Minor disagreement can be a bait, and even if you first restrain yourself in the context of courtesy, you will quickly realize that it is led by a malevolent desire to humiliate you.
"Luring" you with an innocent at first glance, a comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissuses know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and sick topics that reveal old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their wiles to provoke you. After you swallow it whole, the narcissus will calm down and it will be innocent to ask if you are "in order", assuring you that "you did not want" to take your soul. This blatant innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he was not really going to hurt you until it starts to happen so often that you can no longer deny his apparent malice.
It is desirable to immediately understand when you are trying to lure, so as soon as possible to stop communication. Common methods of enticement are provocative statements, insults, insulting accusations or unreasonable generalizations. Trust your intuition: if some phrase seems to you to be some "not so" , and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it, - perhaps it is a signal that you should take the time to reflect on the situation before reacting.
16. Checking the boundaries and tactics of the vacuum cleaner
Daffodils, sociopaths and other destructive persons constantly check your boundaries to understand which of them can be violated. The more violations they will be able to commit with impunity, the further they will come.
This is why people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse often face even more cruel treatment whenever they decide to return to their abusers.
Abusers often resort to "vacuum cleaner tactics" , as if "sucking" their victim back with sweet promises, counterfeit remorse and empty words about how they change, just to expose her to new abuse. In the sick mind of the offender, this check of boundaries serves as a punishment for trying to resist violence, as well as for returning to it. When the daffodil tries to start everything from scratch , strengthen the boundaries even more, and do not back off from them.
Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and empathy. They react only to the consequences.
17. Aggressive injections in the guise of jokes
Hidden daffodils like to tell you mucks. They give them out as "just jokes" , as if reserving the right to release disgusting comments, while maintaining an innocent calm. But you should get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, as they accuse you of a lack of sense of humor. This is a common method for verbal abuse.
The manipulator gives a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he enjoys what can impunity with you. It's just a joke, right? Not this way. This is a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to translate the conversation from his cruelty to your imaginary hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand on your own and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.
When you pay attention to the manipulator of these hidden insults, he can easily resort to gazailaling, but continue to defend his position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if not help, stop talking with him.
18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone
The humiliation and humiliation of others is the strength of a destructive person, and the tone of a voice is just one of many tools in his arsenal. Letting go of each other sarcastic remarks is fun when it is mutual, but narcissus resorts to sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if it touches you, then you are "unduly sensitive" .
It's nothing that he himself rolls up hysterics whenever someone dares to criticize his bloated ego - no, it's the victim that is supersensitive. When you are constantly treated like a child and are challenged by your every utterance, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings, without fear of reprimand. Such self-censorship relieves the rapist of the need to muzzle your mouth, because you do it yourself.
Faced with an indulgent manner of behavior or patronizing tone, clearly and clearly state this. You do not deserve to be talked to like a child, and even more so, you do not have to be silent for the sake of someone's megalomania.
"As you are not ashamed!" - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from people quite normal, in the mouth of a narcissist and a psychopath, embarrassment is an effective method of combating all kinds of views and deeds that threaten their undivided power. It is also used to destroy and nullify the dignity of the victim: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then inducing her to shame for that particular sign, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and root out any pride.
Daffodils, sociopaths and psychopaths like to use your wounds against yourself; They can even achieve that you will be ashamed of the grievances or violence that you have suffered, causing you a new psychological trauma. Have you experienced violence in childhood? Narcissus or a sociopath will inspire you that you somehow earned it, or brag about your own happy childhood, to make you feel inadequate and insignificant. Can you think of a better way to offend you than to pick old wounds? As a doctor on the contrary, a destructive person tends to deepen your wound, rather than heal it.
If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide from him your vulnerable sides or long-standing psychotrauma. Until he proves that he can be trusted, it is not necessary to inform him of information that can then be used against you.
Most importantly : destructive people seek to control you in any accessible way. They isolate you, manage your finances and circle of communication, manage every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.
That is why daffodils and sociopaths create conflict situations on an equal footing, if only you feel insecure and unstable. That's why they are constantly arguing over trifles and angry at the slightest occasion. That's why they are emotionally locked up, and then again rush you to idealize, as soon as they feel that they lose control. That's why they fluctuate between their true and false essences, and you never feel psychologically safe, because you can not understand what your partner really is.
The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it is for you to trust your feelings and to realize that you have become a victim of psychological violence. After studying manipulative techniques and how they undermine your belief in yourself, you can understand what you have come across, and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.
And what do you think about this whole thing? Tell us what you think, we have in the comments!