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Dirty tricks used by all manipulators and slippery people - have you already hooked them?

Грязные приемы, которые используют все манипуляторы и скользкие люди

Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often show inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result of exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners or partners, relatives and friends.

They use a variety of diversion maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift the responsibility for what is happening to her. These methods are used not only by narcissistic personalities, but precisely narcissists prone to dominance resort to them especially often in order to avoid responsibility for their actions.

So, here are the diversionary maneuvers with which help unhealthy people humiliate and make you keep quiet.

1. gaslighting

Gazliding is a manipulative device that is easiest to illustrate with such typical phrases: “It wasn’t like that”, “Did you think” and “Did you lose your mind?”. Gazliding is perhaps one of the most insidious methods of manipulation, because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; he eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result you begin to doubt the legitimacy of your complaints of insults and ill-treatment.

When a narcissus, sociopath or psychopath uses this tactic against you, you automatically take his side to settle the cognitive dissonance that has arisen. Two irreconcilable reactions fight in your soul: either he is mistaken or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely excluded, and the latter is the absolute truth, indicating your inadequacy.

In order to successfully resist the gaslighting, it is very important to find support in your own reality: sometimes it is enough to record what is happening in a diary, tell friends or share with a support group. The value of support from the side is that it can help you break free from the distorted reality of the manipulator and look at things on your own.

2. Projection

One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. Projection is a protective mechanism used to supplant responsibility for its negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator evades recognition of his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.

Although we all resort to projection to some degree or another, clinical specialist on narcissistic disorder Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that in narcissus projections often become a form of psychological violence.

Instead of recognizing their own shortcomings, flaws and misdeeds, daffodils and sociopaths prefer to dump their own vices on their unsuspecting victims, and in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of recognizing that they would not hurt to take care of themselves, they prefer to instill a sense of shame to their victims, shifting to them the responsibility for their behavior. Thus, the daffodil makes others feel the bitter shame that they feel about themselves.

For example, a pathological liar may blame his partner for lying; a needy wife can call her husband “sticky” in an attempt to make him dependent; a bad employee may call the boss ineffective in order to avoid truthful talk about his own productivity.

Narcissistic sadists love to play "blame shifting." Goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result - you or the whole world is to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to nurture their fragile ego, and in response you are being pushed into a sea of ​​uncertainty and self-criticism. Cool invented, yes?

Decision? Do not “project” your own feeling of compassion or sympathy on a destructive person and do not accept his poisonous projections on yourself. As Dr. George Simon, a specialist in manipulation, writes in his book “In Sheep's Clothing” (2010), projecting one’s own conscientiousness and value system onto others may encourage further exploitation.

Daffodils at the extreme end of the spectrum, as a rule, have absolutely no interest in introspection and change. It is important to break off all relations and connections with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and start to value yourself. You do not have to live in the cesspool of someone else's dysfunctions.

3. Hellish meaningless talk

If you hope for a thoughtful communication with a destructive personality, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brainwave.

Daffodils and sociopaths use a stream of consciousness, talking in a circle, switching to personalities, projection and gazleiting to confuse you and confuse you if you just disagree with or dispute them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and upset you, lead away from the main theme and make you feel guilty for the fact that you are a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.

Just ten minutes of a dispute with a daffodil is enough - and you are already wondering how you got into it at all. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now all your childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with mud. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and all-knowing, which leads to the so-called narcissistic trauma.

Remember: destructive people do not argue with you, they, in fact, argue with themselves, you are only an accomplice of a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to find an argument that refutes their ridiculous statements, you just throw firewood at the fire. Do not feed the daffodils - better feed yourself an understanding that the problem is not in you, but in their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time on something pleasant.

4. Generalizations and allegations

Daffodils can not always boast an outstanding intellect - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of wasting time and understanding different points of view, they make generalizations based on any of your words, ignoring the nuances of your argumentation and your attempts to take different opinions into account. And even easier to hang a label on you - it automatically negates the value of any of your statements.

On a wider scale, generalizations and allegations are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, patterns and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus, any one aspect of the problem swells so much that serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular individuals are accused of rape, many immediately start shouting that such accusations sometimes turn out to be false. And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.

Such daily manifestations of micro-aggression are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell a daffodil that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unsubstantiated statement about your hypersensitivity or a generalization like: “You are always dissatisfied with everything” or “You are not satisfied with anything at all” instead of paying attention to really a problem. Yes, you may sometimes show hypersensitivity - but it’s just as likely that your abuser shows insensitivity and callousness most of the time.

Do not depart from the truth and try to resist unreasonable generalizations, because this is only a form of completely illogical black-and-white thinking. For destructive people, scattering unfounded generalizations, not all the wealth of human experience - just their own limited experience, along with bloated self-esteem.

5. Intentional perversion of your thoughts and feelings to complete absurdity.

In the hands of a narcissus or a sociopath, your differences of opinion, well-justified emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Daffodils compose all kinds of fables, paraphrasing what you have said so that your position looks absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: “Ah, and you are with us, it means, perfection itself?” Or “So you think I'm bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to annul your right to thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you try to set boundaries.

This common distraction is a cognitive distortion called “mind reading”. Destructive people are sure that they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly make hasty conclusions on the basis of their own reactions, instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly on the basis of their own illusions and delusions, and never apologize for the harm that they cause as a result. Great masters to put words into other people's mouths, they expose you to carriers of absolutely wildest intentions and opinions. They accuse you of being inadequate, even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a peculiar form of proactive protection.

The best way to draw a clear line in dealing with such a person is simply to say: “I didn’t say such a thing (a)” , stopping the conversation if he continues to accuse you of what you didn’t do or say. As long as the destructive person has the opportunity to shift the blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a sense of shame that you dared him to cross something.

6. Prank and change the rules of the game

The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the lack of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" do not have the slightest desire to help you become better - they just like to find fault, humiliate and make you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to sophism, which is called "changing the rules of the game" to ensure that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all sorts of evidence in support of your argument or have taken all possible measures to satisfy their request, they make a new claim to you or want more evidence.

Do you have a successful career? Narcissus will quibble why you are still not a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be nursed around the clock? Now prove that you can remain “independent . The rules of the game will be constantly changing and can easily even contradict each other; The sole purpose of this game is to make you seek attention and approval from the narcissus.

Constantly raising the bar of expectations or replacing them with new ones at all, destructive manipulators are capable of instilling in you an all-pervading sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inconsistency. Highlighting one minor episode or one of your blunders and inflating it to gigantic proportions, the daffodil forces you to forget about your own merits and instead worry all the time because of your weaknesses or shortcomings. It makes you think about new expectations, which you now have to meet, and as a result you are struggling to satisfy any of his requirements - but in the end it turns out that he is treating you as badly as you are.

Do not be fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck some insignificant episode over and over again without paying attention to all your attempts to prove his rightness or satisfy his demands, it means that he is not motivated by the desire to understand you. They are driven by a desire to instill in you a feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve yourself. Know that you are a whole person, and do not have to constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.

7. Changing the topic to shirk responsibility

I call this maneuver "A-as-I syndrome?" This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion with a view to shifting attention to a completely different one. Daffodils do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they lead the conversation in the right direction. Are you complaining that he does not spend time with children? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows neither the time nor thematic framework, and often begins with the words: "And when are you ..."

At the public level, these techniques are used to thwart discussions that cast doubt on the status quo. Talking about the rights of gays, for example, can be frustrated, it is only for some of the participants to raise the question of another pressing problem, diverting everyone's attention from the initial dispute.

As Tara Moss, author of “Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls” , notes, for proper consideration and resolution of issues, specificity is needed - this does not mean that the topics raised along the way are not important, it just means that for each topic there is your time and your context.

Do not be distructed; if someone is trying to replace the concepts, use the “Jammed Plate” method, as I call it: continue to persist in repeating the facts, without moving away from the topic. Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that right now. Let's not be distracted . If it does not help, stop the conversation and direct your energy to a more useful course - for example, find a companion who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old baby.

8. Hidden and overt threats

Daffodils and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world is obliged to them, a false sense of superiority or enormous self-esteem is put into question by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - while still punishing you for not meeting their unachievable expectations.

Instead of maturely resolving disagreements and seeking a compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach them to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. For any disagreement, they answer with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is “do this, otherwise I will do this” .

If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express an excellent opinion, you hear the commanding tone and threats, be it veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: you have a person who is sure that everyone owes him and he will never agree to compromise. Take the threats seriously and show the daffodil that you are not joking: if possible, document them and inform the appropriate authorities.

9. Insults

Daffodils preventively inflate an elephant from a fly, once they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise will cause them narcissistic trauma, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Gulston, narcissistic rage is the result of not low self-esteem, but rather confidence in one’s own infallibility and false sense of superiority.

For the lowest representatives of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Insults - a simple and fast way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your mental abilities, appearance or behavior, simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a man with your own opinion.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and ideas. A well-founded point of view or a convincing refutation suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “idiotic” in the hands of a narcissus or a sociopath, who feels hurt, but cannot argue on the merits. Not finding the strength to attack your argument, the daffodil attacks you, trying to undermine your authority in all possible ways and to question your mental abilities. As soon as insults go into action, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and state unequivocally that you do not intend to tolerate it. Do not take it personally: understand, they resort to insults only because they do not know other ways to convey their point of view.

10. "Training"

Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents and happy memories with cruel treatment, frustration and disrespect. To this end, they sort of casually allow derogatory statements about your qualities and properties that they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, holidays and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and loved ones and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov's dogs, are essentially “trained” , producing in you the fear of doing everything that once made your life rich.

Daffodils, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. At the stage of idealization, you were the center of the world of the narcissus - and now the narcissus should be the center of your world.

In addition, daffodils are pathologically jealous in nature and do not tolerate the idea that something can protect you from their influence, even just a little. For them, your happiness is all that is unavailable to them in their emotionally poor existence. After all, if you find that you can receive respect, love and support from someone non-destructive, then what will keep you from parting with them? In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to make you tiptoe and always stop halfway to your dream.

11. Slander and stalking

When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take the role of a martyr, exposing you as destructive. Slander and gossip are a preemptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and denigrate your name so that you do not have support in case you decide to break off the relationship and get away from your destructive partner. They may even harass and harass you or your acquaintances, ostensibly to “expose” you; such “exposing” is just a way to hide your own destructive behavior, projecting it on you.

Sometimes gossip harden against each other two or even entire groups of people. A victim in a destructive relationship with a daffodil often does not know what is being said about her while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when they collapse.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and face too), tell nasty things about you or your loved ones, dispel rumors exposing you as an aggressor, and theirs as a victim, and ascribe to you exactly such actions most of all fear. In addition, they will methodically, covertly and deliberately offend you in order to cite your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.

The best way to counter defamation is to always keep yourself in control and stick to the facts. This is especially true for conflicting divorces with daffodils, which can specifically provoke you to use your reactions against you later. If possible, document any forms of harassment, intimidation and insult (including online), try to communicate with the daffodil only through your attorney. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should turn to law enforcement officers; it is advisable to find a lawyer who is well versed in narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for themselves when the mask begins to slip from the daffodil.

12. Love bombardment and depreciation

Destructive people take you through the stage of idealization, until you bite the bait and start a friendly or romantic relationship with them. Then they are taken to devalue you, expressing contempt for everything that initially attracted them to you. Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and starts to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.

Daffodils do it all the time: they scold their ex-partners with new partners / partners, and eventually they start to treat new ones with the same disdain. In the end, any partner of the daffodil will experience the same things as the previous ones. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become the next ex, which he will also vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. Therefore, do not forget about the method of bombardment with love, if the behavior of your partner with others contrasts sharply with the sugary sweetness that he demonstrates in dealing with you.

As Wendy Powell, the personal growth instructor, advises, a good way to resist the love bombardments of a person who seems potentially destructive to you is not to rush. Consider: how a person responds to others may foreshadow how he will relate to you one day.

13. Preventive Defense

When someone strongly emphasizes that he (a) is a “good guy” or a “good girl,” it is immediately accepted to say that you should “trust him (her),” or, for no reason, assures you of his honesty - be careful.

Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you must “trust” them , without first creating a solid foundation for such trust. They can skillfully “disguise themselves” by portraying a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to reveal their true identity later. When the cycle of violence reaches the stage of depreciation, the mask begins to crawl, and you see their true essence: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.

Genuinely good people rarely have to constantly boast of their positive qualities - they rather exude heat than they say about it, and they know that actions are more important than words. They know that trust and respect is a two-way street, requiring reciprocity, not constant suggestion.

To counter preventive defense, consider why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks you don’t trust him, or because he knows he’s not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by actions; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you matches the one for whom he claims to be.

14. Triangulation

Referring to an opinion, point of view or threat of attracting a stranger to the dynamics of communication is called “triangulation” . A common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and devaluing the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unbalanced.

Daffodils love to triangulate a partner / partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends, and even family members to cause jealousy and insecurity. They also use the opinions of others to confirm their point of view.

This maneuver is designed to divert your attention from psychological violence and present the narcissus in a positive image of a popular, desired person. Plus, you start to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out, am I still wrong? In fact, daffodils gladly “retell” nasty things to you, allegedly said about you by others, despite the fact that they themselves say nasty things behind your back.

To counter the triangulation, remember: whoever the daffodil triangulates with, this person is also triangulated with your relationship with the daffodil. In fact, the daffodil manages all roles. Answer him with your own "triangulation" - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.

15. Lure and pretend to be innocent

Destructive personalities create a false sense of security so that it is easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. It is worth such a person to draw you into a meaningless, casual quarrel - and it will quickly grow into a showdown, because he does not know a sense of respect. A petty disagreement can turn out to be a bait, and even if at first you hold back within the framework of politeness, you will quickly realize that they are guided by a malicious desire to humiliate you.

“Luring” you with an innocent at first glance comment, disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: Daffodils know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and sick themes that reveal old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their machinations to provoke you. After you swallow the entire profit, the narcissus will calm down and innocently ask if you are “OK”, claiming that “you didn’t want” to disturb your soul. This perplexity innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he really was not going to hurt you until it starts to happen so often that you cannot deny his apparent maliciousness further.

It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as early as possible. Common methods of luring are provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unsubstantiated generalizations. Trust your intuition: if a phrase seemed to you to be “not that kind” , and this feeling did not pass even after the interlocutor interpreted it, perhaps it is a signal that it is worthwhile to rush to comprehend the situation before reacting.

16. Check boundaries and tactics of a vacuum cleaner

Daffodils, sociopaths and other destructive personalities constantly check your boundaries in order to understand which of them can be violated. The more violations they manage to commit with impunity, the farther they go.

That is why people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse often face even more cruel treatment whenever they decide to return to their offenders.

Rapists often resort to “vacuum cleaner tactics” , as if “sucking” their victim back with sweet promises, fake repentance and empty words about how they change, only to subject it to new bullying. In the sick mind of the offender, this border check serves as a punishment for trying to resist violence, as well as for returning to it. When the daffodil tries to start everything from scratch , strengthen the borders even more, and do not back down from them.

Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and empathy. They only respond to the consequences.

17. Aggressive jokes

Hidden daffodils love to tell you nasty things. They pass them off as “just jokes,” as if they reserve the right to release disgusting comments, while maintaining innocent calm. But if you get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of having no sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.

The manipulator gives a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he gets pleasure from what can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, right? Not this way. This is a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to transfer the conversation from his cruelty to your imaginary hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand on your own and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.

When you pay attention of the manipulator to these hidden insults, he can easily resort to gazlayting, but continue to defend his position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if he does not help, stop communicating with him.

18. Indulgent sarcasm and patronizing tone

The humiliation and humiliation of others is the strength of a destructive person, and the tone of voice is only one of many tools in his arsenal. Letting sarcastic remarks addressed to each other is fun when it is mutual, but narcissus resorts to sarcasm solely as a method of manipulation and humiliation. And if it hurts you, it means that you are "too sensitive . "

Nothing that he himself turns out to be hysterical every time someone dares to criticize his swollen ego - no, this is precisely the victim that is hypersensitive. When you are constantly treated like a child and you are challenged with each of your statements, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand. Such self-censorship saves the abuser from having to silence you, because you do it yourself.

Face this with a condescending manner or a patronizing tone. You do not deserve to be spoken to as with a child, and even more so you are not obliged to remain silent in favor of someone’s megalomania.

19. Shame

“Shame on you!” Is a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from people who are quite normal, in the mouth of a narcissus and a psychopath, shame is an effective method of dealing with all sorts of views and actions that threaten their undivided power. It is also used to destroy and negate the victim’s self-esteem: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then shaming her for that particular attribute, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and stifle all pride in the bud.

Daffodils, sociopaths and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even achieve that you will be ashamed of the offense or violence you have suffered by inflicting a new psychological trauma on you. Have you experienced childhood abuse? A narcissus or sociopath will inspire you that you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood in order to make you feel inadequate and insignificant. Is it possible to come up with a better way to hurt you than to loosen old wounds? As a doctor, on the contrary, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound, and not to heal it.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerable sides or old psychotrauma from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that can then be used against you.

20. Control

The most important thing: destructive people seek to control you in any way possible. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circle, manage every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is a game on your feelings.

That is why daffodils and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, as long as you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest occasion. That is why they become emotionally closed, and then again rush to idealize you, as soon as they feel that they are losing control. That is why they oscillate between their true and false entities, and you never feel psychologically safe, because you cannot understand what your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be to trust your feelings and realize that you have been the victim of psychological violence. After examining the manipulative techniques and how they undermine your faith in yourself, you will be able to understand what you are confronted with, and at least try to regain control over your own life and stay away from destructive people.

And what do you think about this all? Tell us what you think in our comments!