My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Dear televiewers! We represent you the winner of "Lotto-million"! We represent how happy in Kharkov on Chkalov Street, 17. sq. M. 8 his relatives, to whom he will go with two suitcases of money today on the 20th firm train, car 15, place 12, departure time - 21.00 from the first way of Kursk railway station. Happy journey, dear comrade!
The village ... Two weeks ago, all the girls started to go to the hut of an old, old decrepit grandfather. Local boys organized a meeting on this issue, gathered, and began a discussion. One: "Bl, guys, do you see Th has been going on for the third week already?" The second: "Our girls go to this grandfather !!!" The third: "And what do they do with it? What is it that interests them so much?" Fourth: "Do not tell!" Decided to visit the grandfather! They come to him in the hut .. They knock .. He opens his grandfather, barely keeps on his feet, with a wand, very bad ... The guys come in: "Did you hear, grandfather, and che are our girls getting used to you? How did you interest them then?" "I do not know!" Said the old man, licking his brows with his tongue ...
Maritime customs. Situation: early morning, the port sleeps, dispatchers sleep, sleep ships on the roadstead, the custom house sleeps. And all of a sudden, an idyll is disturbed by a voice on the radio (one radio set is tuned to the same wave for all services): - Radio 8 (dispatcher), radio 8, answer "Goose-crystal" (vessel name). The dispatcher is silent. The vessel requests communication several times. And then an unidentified sleepy voice on the same channel: - You are not Goose Crystal, you are a fucking lapchat. A minute of silence, then a question: - Who is speaking ?! On the radio, another sleepy voice: - Yes, everyone says ... Tomorrow in our concert hall there will be a concert with the bands "Rammstein" and "Aria". Say goodbye to the concert hall will be the day after tomorrow.
Do you speak English? - Only with a dictionary. - And with people that are shy?
A huge elephant died in the zoo. One of the visitors hears the servant crying inconsolably in the distance, and says to him: "I understand that the death of an animal is a great sorrow for you ... However, one should not get so killed. "Yes, it's good for you to console yourself!" He will not dig a hole for you!
-Where are you from? -I? M from US-FROM MY ASS ????
The car passes by the traffic police station, the traffic policeman brakes it, approaches, smiling looks at the driver, who is a little out of himself and in anticipation of profit and says: - Oh, and what our eyes are. Well, let's go dun! The driver: - Nope, I'm all.
10th grade. There is a lesson in biology. The people, armed with microscopes, study the structure of the cell ... The teacher asks the audience to scrape a "smear" from the inside of the cheek with a special stick, place it on a small glass and check this case in a microscope. In the course of the process, Uchilka explains that, since the cells are not capable of movement, the picture turns out to be static, but the cytoplasm, nucleus, etc. can be observed in the microscope. And suddenly ... One of the girls reports: "And I, like, the cells are moving!" Uchilka immediately blows towards her, pokupat, what's the matter ... Flips a couple of seconds ... And suddenly declares: "Children, let's all rather here - you have a rare opportunity to see what a living sperm looks like !!!"
A girl with a 6m bust is walking along the street. The peasant comes up to her: -die girl give a bite to the bite - went on * er - well, at least for $ 100 - from # ^ - let's for a thousand - shook, went on * er - let's five for a girl thought five things for nefig do - It's okay, let's go back to the yards tearing up the blouse, the muzhik kneading her for a few minutes, she can not stand it: - Bite faster, what are you waiting for? - ... @ rad. Expensive!
The muzhik comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, I stretched my leg. The doctor says: - Well, that, with whom does not happen. - Do you think it's easy to drag 4 meters feet behind you?
It was in perestepochnye years, and now near the distant Moscow suburbs is the meeting of the PCB. Sitting on the bench grandmother and see that past her along the road dusted some people with gpomandnymi backpacks, guitars and girls. And so all day. Well, it's hot, it's dead, and finally it's all over. It's getting dark. And then on the road appears the last figure - large sizes tight KSP-shnik with the same backpack and long hair. And then the grandmother jumps out and cries "Ich, they are dismissed! ***** aces with long patrols!" KSP-shnik has already opened a poot to overlay the grandmother with a mat, but together unexpectedly for himself, submissively, "Serving the Lord ... does not allow us to cut our hair ..." Grandma ran after him until the very meeting and cried "my father, walk me, Stupid old, brainless ... "
A guy is riding in a full bus and suddenly very loudly spoils the air. He immediately looks around and sees a little boy beside him and starts yelling loudly: "You, freak, do not see how many people are on the bus, what are you doing, like an elephant!" The boy has tears in his eyes and a lady appears standing up for him, standing next to him: "Man, you are not ashamed, they spoil the air themselves, and you are spiraling on the child!" The man, without thinking for a long time, turns around and says: "Just look at what $ point - I otmazyvaet her, and she still moves arrows at me!"
A married couple has sex. Wife: - Come on, pounce on me like a wild beast! Husband: - Yes, yes ... - Come on, come on! - Yes, yes ... - Tell me dirty words! - Entrance hall ... kitchen ... sink ...
The drunk man comes into the bus and says: On my left hand sit fools, on the right - bl * di! Then the woman who sat on the right side jumps up and screams: - Yes, how dare you! Yes, I lived with my husband for 20 years !! And he never betrayed him !!!! And you call me * dew call! The peasant looks at her thoughtfully and utters: - Yes ??? !!!! Well then, sit down where the DURA !!! !!!!
A man in a sex shop: - Show me this doll ... - Please ... - And the production date is what ??? - January 2005. - Capricorn ??? Not suitable ...
Forest, darkness, howling wind, terrible rustles, chilling owl cries ... a wolf sits under a bush and trembles with fear ... suddenly someone hears Rammstein - "Mutar", waving a basket with pirozhki ... The wolf makes an effort (you need to look at this), and the head of the bushes will pop out ... the Little Red Riding Hood is walking along the path ... the wolf is talking to her: "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing?" Are not you scared in such a terrible night forest? And she told him without complexes and answers: - And what? - I know the way, sex - I love ...
A pink elephant, a blue snake and a green rat came into the bar. "It's early days, guys," said the bartender. - "He has not come yet".
At the Millennium of Kazan in the Fair Square, only one bio-toilet was put up. At the box office, he overtook even the film "Turkish Gambit."
Next to the prostitute, a car stops, a driver jumps out and asks: "How many blowjobs?" - 600 rubles. - Eh, and I have only 100 with me ... Listen, but let's give you 100 rubles and your mobile? Evaluating the look of the mobile phone model, the girl agrees. Having received what he wanted, the driver gives her 100 rubles and is going to leave. Girl: - Hey, and mobile? - Ah, yes, I almost forgot, write down: 8-916 ...
Park, bench, the little girl sits, VERY small looking, reading. Not anything, but Computerra, by the way, can be seen as an advanced guy. A lady walks by, sees such disgrace, and immediately begins to be moved. "Oh, what a boy, what are we doing here?" And how old are you? - Four. - And what are you reading? The guy silently shows. - Wow, you probably already go to school? The little boy in an icy tone: "WOMAN!" I spoke in Russian: I am FOUR years old!
There is a pile of cars at the traffic light. The very first one is Zaporozhets. Then the green light comes on. "Zaporozhets" vygazovyvaet to blue smoke from the pipe, but does not move from a place. There is also a noise from the signaling cars behind. The driver of "Zaporozhets" gets out and yells: - Well, I'm guilty, that I had a wheel on the cud?
Bratok, deciding to beautifully dress up for a new girl, goes to a flower shop. Asks the saleswoman: "Listen, I heard if you give one flower, it will mean" You're my only one. "If three, then" I love you. "And if I give 555, what does that mean?" The saleswoman: "At me бабла - немеряно".
There is a world championship in fights without rules. In the finale comes a huge black Negro American and our little guy from Ryazan. The coach says to us: T: - listen here, he has a capture, if he catches it - immediately give up, he already sent several of them to the intensive care unit. Boy: - I understand. The battle begins, the American captures us. The coach goes to the locker room in sorrow, and then he hears our hymn playing, it turns out our medal gold is hung around his neck. He to him: T: - How did you get out of the seizure, then he crippled before all this, no one got out ?! P: - Yes, you understand, he suffices me, I feel everything, $ # $ @ ET - one hand there, the second there, the third there and then I see - eggs, well, I think, was not - I bite ... and you do not Believe what a man can do that bites himself for the eggs.
Two lie in the hayloft. "Wan, do you love me?" - Yes Lyudka, I love you! "And will you pluck out the birch for me?" - I'll rip it out! "And the maple?" - I'll rip it out! "And the aspen?" - I'll rip it out! - And pine? - And if you pine at all the forest povdergivayu!
A woman comes with a child to the doctor. The doctor examined the child and asked: - Is he breast-feeding or artificial? - On the breast! Answered the woman. Doctor: - Undress ..... Take off your bra ....! The doctor squeezes his tits for a long time and gives out: - Hmm .... so you do not have milk! No wonder the baby is hungry! Baba: - Actually, I'm his aunt, but ... I'm still glad that I came ... !!
-I suggest meeting at the metro station "Park of Culture" at 8 am on Monday. How will you look? -Bad...
- Do you have anal sex? - Yes, but only for debts ...
On reception at the doctor: - The doctor, to me such nightmares is dreamed ... Imagine: my mother-in-law walks with the crocodile along the street. Teeth are huge curves, mouth smells so bad that in general horror, skin is green shriveled terrible, paws healthy with claws ... - Yes, indeed, a nightmare ... - Yes wait, I have not told you about the crocodile yet!
Advertising action: "Eat twenty chebureks and collect a cat!"
Black humor. America, September 11th. Rescuers dismantle the collapsed tower, and they will try out a live man with a chain from the drain tank in his hand. He is conscious, whispering something, jerking, restless, buoy, eyes are insane, he does not give a chain. He is taken to the hospital. A doctor leans toward him in the car, trying to make out a whisper: - What? What are you saying? - Mu ... Mu ... Muzhiks ... I ... I just jerked a little .... it's not strong ... ....
Celebration. Ment stops the car with a confident statement: - Yeah, drinking, then! - No. - And why?
An old anecdote in a new chant ... On the road, the "androgynous" goth (boots, corset, etc.) votes. The black, pinned foreign car stops. From there pops such a terry blacker: - Where to drive? - (hysterically) Yes, I do not care where, if only my traitor friends could not find !!! - Well, sit down ... They go without speaking. They drive an hour, two ... Then they turn into some kind of forest ... Then Goth gives a voice: - Come on! Ask and you me! - What should I ask? .. - What sex I am! - And I do not care, I'll fuck anyway ...
One of my friends, when he got drunk in London, the comrades put the cars in the front passenger seat to sleep in order to take them to the hotel. He recalls: - When I woke up - there were three shocks: 1) I'm driving drunk while driving; 2) food on the opposite lane, and 3) no rudder !!
Morgue. On the table is an uncovered corpse. At the table - two pathologists, the third reads the conclusion about death. First, cutting the stomach of a corpse: - Wow! Buckwheat! With stew! Vasya, will you? - No, guys, I ate a good meal. - As you want. The first two take out the spoons and scrape the contents of the stomach with appetite. When the porridge is coming to an end, the third looks up from the conclusion about death: "M-yes-ah, guys, it seems, it was from this porridge that he hoofed and threw! The first two turn the porridge back into the stomach and run to the medicine cabinet. The third after them, taking out a spoon: - Guys, yes I joked, a heart attack from him. I just love it!
There are two. One complains: - Well, she's gotten her mother-in-law! The second: - And you would make her some kind of dirty trick. - Yes already! Gave her ad on the phone in the newspaper: "Providing sex services., Cheap!" - So how is it?!!! - And renders, slut!
There was a peasant's 3 daughters. Here he gave each of the onions and arrows. Where an arrow will go there and find a husband. The elder daughter shot and got into the bank. I went for a banker. Average in a steep wheelbarrow hit. I went for a merchant. The younger one got into the swamp. Comes the sees the frog sits with an arrow, had to take and carry home. Brought home, well, going to the force to kiss. Kissed, she quickly washed into the tub. The frog comes anyway. She again got courage, kissed me again. Itself again in the bath. It turns out that the frog has collapsed on the bed and scratching the eggs, says brazenly: - It would be necessary to suck, beautiful, very enchanted I.
The passenger plane falls into a heavy storm. Downpour, lightning, thunder, falling into the "air holes" ... One woman lost her nerve. Leaping up, she cried: "We are dying!" Is there a man here who will make me feel like a real woman for the last time ?! A tall, slender young man rose from his seat and approached her. Stripping his muscular torso, he took off his shirt and, holding it out to the woman, said tenderly: "Honey, on, wash.
Scientists have found out that 40 minutes of stay in the store of women's clothes lead a man into a pre-infarction state, and a woman into pre-infarction.
"I want to say that people are not afraid of cops." After all, we, the cops, are also people and after work are also afraid of cops who are at work.
Bought two blondes on the mouse. Well, they think how they will distinguish between them. One says: 1- Do you tear off your left hind leg with your mouse, and I with my right front? 2-rejoicing- Come on! How well you came up with! Tear off. 1- FOOL !!! I asked you what to tear off? 2- And I thought you had to tear off the left back. 1- So! LISTEN CAREFULLY, blond! Now you're tearing the LEFT FRONT, and I'm the right rear ... In short, the mice without the legs dropped. 2- So what do we do now? Mice without legs ... 1- Okay, then let's do it, my - black, yours - white.
Radov Ivanov stood at the post, guarding an important state facility. Suddenly, behind him, he heard a rustle. He looked back and saw a barrel aimed at him. "It's fucked up," thought Ivanov. The soldier's wit did not disappoint.
Two men on the track vote. They stand for a long time, there are no cars. Suddenly a man with a rudder from a kamaz runs out of the darkness. Simulates the squeal of the brakes and stops near them. - What, guys, the problem? Let's give a ride. - Are you a fool or something, go ahead. We're here somehow. He pulls out the barrel and shouts: - Quickly into the car! The peasants were frightened, ran alongside him. Running ... kilometers 5 ran ... then again the squeal of brakes: - Hear, guys, soon the traffic police post, but I have no rights. Now you go out, and I'm on a cornfield to detour, after a kilometer you'll pick. The peasants were glad that they had disowned the fool. They come to the post and to the traffic policeman: "Hey, we've got a guy here to run at gunpoint 5 km!" - With the wheel from kamaz? - Yes! - Where is he!? We have been looking for him for a long time, he travels without rights! - I ran through the corn field. I do not understand anything, the peasants answer. The traffic cop grabs the steering wheel from the motorcycle and shouts: "Sit down, now we'll catch up with him!" One behind, the other in the cradle! "Are you a fool, you fool?" He grabs the gun and yells: - Quickly to the places! One szdadi, the other in the cradle! There is nothing to do - the men "sat down" to their places. Running threesome in the corn field. The traffic cop yells at one: - What are you doing !? You're in the cradle! Why on straight legs? Quickly take a seat! A man runs on his half-bent legs, cobs hit him in the face, sees nothing, his legs hurt, turns around to a friend in the back seat and says: - At x .. I was transplanted, we would ride quietly on Kamaz!
- Hello, doctor, help. My wife has a headache and a fever. - High? "Yes, eighty-five meters!"
Sitting old Scot in the pub, sitting, beer sips, pipe smoking. I sat and sat and said: "I built this mill myself, ONE (!) ... collected stones, hung a mortar and built ... but for some reason no one calls me McFlaren, the builder of mills. He sat, sipped his beer, and took a long time. - This garden, in which now the largest harvest of fruits and berries, I planted myself, ONE (!) ... All rejoice and collect fruits. But for some reason no one calls me McFlaren the gardener. He sat, sipped his beer, and took a long time. - This is the bridge, I built it myself, ONE (!), Sawed the trees, sanded and made a bridge, now cars drive through it, people go. But for some reason no one calls me McFlaren, the builder of bridges. He sat, sipped his beer, and took a long time. "But once you took a sheep ..."
At the examination at the medical institute, the student stubbornly calls the liver "liver". Finally the teacher does not stand up: - Are you in the market? What kind of "liver"! Liver! Remember: п-п-чень! Once again I'll hear it - I'll drive it out. Proceed to the next question. The student timidly begins: - Drake is ..
The son asks his father: - Dad, is it true that in some countries of the East the groom does not know who his wife is until he marries? "It's in any country, son!"
On television: - We have a guest composer Tikhon Khrennikov. Tell us, what have you written recently? - Hmmm. Well, here, let's say, recently I put on music ... - (interrupting, with horror) Yes ?! What a pity!..
Mountain slope, a herd of sheep and a shepherd. The shepherd calls the shepherd. Shepherd: Alie? Covering the pipe with your hand, sheep: It's me ...
Vovochka comes home and says to his father: -Dad, today I had my first sexual experience! Father: Well, sit down, son, tell me. Vovochka: Thank you, I'll stand ...
"The latest excavations of the necropolis of the Internet showed that it turns out that WindoWs 95 is not a virus, as it was supposed because the codes of WindoWs 95 were found in many places, and the so-called operating system, that is, the program, Which was intended to hide from the user the wretchedness of architecture and all sorts of other imperfections of ancient computers. "
"Yesterday I gathered three buckets of mushrooms in the forest for my mother-in-law. "What if they are poisonous?" - What does "suddenly" mean?
Two peasants are talking, one to the other: - Did your wife ever catch you masturbating in the toilet? - No - For # bis place, yes ?! The teacher at the exam in the police school notices the student's spur and selects. There is nothing to do, from despair begins: - You did not have the right to take away my property from me without the appropriate regulatory procedures! Teacher, sad: - Well, what do I need you, young man, to beat on the kidneys?
And the hero said to Snake Gorynych: "Come out, you filthy monster." And the monster answered foul: "I'm sorry, I'm leaving next time".
Two cars met - one of them is a girl (probably a blond), another from a man, and he asks her: "Are you a fool, did you at least drive your driving exams?", To which she replies: "Unlike you, A goat, MANY times "!
If someone is able to smile, when everything is bad - then he knows who to blame for everything.
Conversation of two girlfriends: And to me yesterday, on the bus, a drug addict in a bag climbed. At first I did not notice, and then I look - I'm sitting.
A drug addict is sitting next to the construction site. A young man approaches him and asks: - Tell me, what is this being built here? - OOOOvascheeee ... - What can you? - OOOOvascheeee ... - Well, finally can? - OOOservischayuschayuschee.
In the cemetery during the funeral, the foreman of the coffin-makers sees that a 50-ruble note sticks out of the breast pocket of the dead man's jacket. He immediately asks one of his brigade, under any pretext, to push people away from the coffin. When this was done, and he reached for the bill, the dead man grabbed his hand and shouted: "The tax police!" Control burial! "You have your own work, but I have mine," said the brigadier and hammered nails into the roof of the grave ...
"Yesterday I gathered three buckets of mushrooms in the forest for my mother-in-law. "What if they are poisonous?" - What does "suddenly" mean?
"Al-le ... It's fifty ... One ... Forty-six ... Thirty ... Two?" - No! "So it was naughty ... was there a pipe ... to take?"
Honey, you are beautiful, like these flowers! "And I thought I was as beautiful as a gold bracelet." - No. You are beautiful, like these flowers.
A man comes home with a live goat in his arms and finds his wife sitting in front of the TV. "Look, darling, this is the same cow with which I make love when you have a headache." The wife looks at him contemptuously and says: "Lord, you are so dumb that you can not tell a goat from a cow!" "Lord, you're so dumb that you can not understand that I'm talking to a goat!"
Inscription inside the male engagement ring: This rare woodpecker was caught and ringed in Moscow in 1995.
A liner is flying. On board the representatives of different peoples ... Suddenly, an accident and you need to get rid of excess cargo, and at the same time decide who to throw out. Everyone decided that they would drop on the alphabetical list. The stewardess reads: -A blacks ... Silence .... -Black people Silence .... Little negro pokes his father's hand in the side ... -Papa already 2 times called. Why did not we respond? -Remember the son! We "Niggas", immediately after the Mexicans
- Mykola! But why do not you join the party?
- That say that at the wedding at the father Makhno was, say - the accordion played ...
"Tell me, Duck, that you are not."
"So I'll tell them, why are they dancing there?"
- Feeling, Petro, moskali at the space flight?
- Scho, let's go?
"Kum, what are you doing in my cellar?"
"I'm looking for you."
"And why did you eat the fat?"
- And that under your feet did not interfere.
Vovochka rushes after the lesson along the corridor and almost knocked the headmaster from the feet. He indignantly grabs him by the shoulder and says: "Now come back and walk calmly!" And say hello to me as your father greet friends! Vovochka walks away a few steps, waddling - hands in pockets - approaches the director, slaps him on the back so that he hardly gets his glasses off, and yells all the way:
- Well, great, old x #%! A hundred years you have not seen, e $ #% t your bald skull !! Not yet dead, n # $% and walrus!
Two friends met.
- Was there an interesting concert yesterday?
"Oh, very much!" They performed Handel's oratorio!
- And what exactly is an oratorio?
"Wait, now I'll explain." Here, for example, if I said to you: "Janush, give me a gypsy!" - this is not an oratorio yet. But if I tell you: "Janusz, Janusz, oh give me a little gypsy, oh give me, oh give me a little gypsy, give me a little gypsy, give me a gypsy, give me, give me, give me a cigar - a rank-chinnnuu!" - this is the oratorio!
A conversation of two new Russian:
I'm going to study at the piano player!
-What for! 8-O
-Hey, pikin! Great theater! Great Hall! A lot of people! Everyone looks at me!
And I'm sitting on the stage and the fingers of the wildebeest!
In the courtroom, a boxer is judged for beating a woman. Boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, jerky man. Judge:
"Well, tell me, defendant, why did you beat a woman?"
"What woman is my mother-in-law!"
"Is not the mother-in-law a woman?" Asks the judge.
- Yes, in general, a woman ... - thinks the boxer.
"Tell the court why you beat her."
"Well, it's me, I'm coming home, I'm going on, it's in the kitchen, I'm eating it." Mother-in-law, Zhu-ju-ju, Zhu-ju-ju, and I'm eating em. Mother-in-law is again - zhu-ju-ju, zhu- ju-zhu - and then she opened ...
Two in bed.
She: Do you please be with me coastline - I'm still a girl.
He: Well, of course, everything will be as you ask, everything will be fine,
I'll take care of you.
P O B E R E G H S! !! !!
Two in bed.
He: Oh, if I knew that you were still a girl, I would not be in such a hurry.
She: If you were not in such a hurry, I would have time to remove tights.
Sneaks up the man to the other guy standing at the stop and pokes him in the barrel with a fork. The peasant fucked:
- SchA fucking pussy get!
Tkknuvshy sorry:
- Well, immediately offended.
Sits a man with binoculars in his hand, looks out the window of the female hostel and is engaged in masturbation.
Suddenly he notices that someone is sitting next to him and is doing the same.
- Who are you fucking ...?
"That one's in that red dress."
- And me too. Here's a prostitute!
Neither in pi ** d nor in the Red Army - impotent with flat feet.
A good mason always puts on conscience ...
It happens that everything goes like clockwork - and only then it turns out that it was Vaseline ...
<< Cadres decide everything! >> - It's good to be a shot!
Women in men like the most secondary secondary sexual characteristics - cottages, car, salary ...
The doctor gives me two weeks of life, it would be good in August ...
Your child has such tender skin, and such tough meat ...
The symbol of the 8th of March ... is a sign of infinity, brought to an erection ...
There is no third. Well, let's drink together!
... left their women pregnant, went into the forest and degraded ...
Better two inches in the dick than seven inches in the forehead ...
Well fucked wife in flowers does not need.
A supermarket is a large store with at least 10 cash desks and it does not matter that 8 of them may not work.
Guys just spend money.
Women spend money smartly!
Will squander money - and the mind, too, does not remain ...
"Good evening, young people!" Let me introduce myself. Patrol and post service, Sergeant Gorlenko. Are there any stabbing or cutting objects?
- No!
- It's a shame! Can you have drugs?
- Yes, you probably already have enough, comrade sergeant !!!
Traffic policeman chastises the driver:
- Well, how is it? Have rebuilt through the series, exceeded the speed twice! I still understand "Mercedes" - but you! You! The tram driver !!!
From life.
Every Friday my friend and I go to the bar to hit a beer ...
This time we ordered two light beers. A young girl (a waitress) told us that there is only dark.
What are we to her:
- Carry two dark and bleach!
She left, and we sit and laugh at our joke ...
Soon she returns (further - a silent scene) and brings two dark beer and a bottle of vodka.
... We screamed this evening to a porous squeal ...
From the statement: "I ask, except for the extra charge for harmfulness, to pay me extra for greed and obstinacy."
Two friends are talking.
"My brother had a birthday yesterday." He was given a ship.
- Wow! And what is he going to do with it?
- Like what? We smoked it yesterday.
Two buddies in the bar:
"You know, the king of pick-ups has come to our city!" I went to lectures for a week, I gave 10 pieces!
- So how is it?! There are results?
- Ha! Now any girl is mine! Do you see that beauty? Yesterday, in just one and a half hours, I divorced her for sex!
- Ah, this ... Yes, I take it off without any pickup - it's the same fuck ...
Sensation!
In Dublin, the Catholic church was converted into an Orthodox church!
Last night, volunteers took out the benches from the temple and dismantled the heating system ...
Russian scientists built a computer that can answer any question, giving it a phallus shape ...
Why did they do it? And the dick knows ...
The group of programmers asks the provider of the district military committee to remove their account for sending spam.
A new tariff plan from MTS - "Chatterbox - a find for a spy."
You pay only for the last minute. The others are paid extra by those who overhear you.
"Hands off the free press!"
- Of course, hands off - and feet, legs ...
Why can you illegally connect to an oil pipeline that pumps oil "there"
- but still no one was able to connect to the money transfer system, pumping money in the opposite direction?
Ksenia Sobchak was offered to governors!
I'm ready to propose to elect her immediately to the Senate - but I do not want to take on the role of Caligula ...
Deputy:
"He called me an idiot!"
- Nonsense! Wali on heredity!
Give the peasant one fish - and he will be full all day.
Teach a man to fish - and you will be free from it all weekend.
New advertising story Nuts.
Three guys in black bent the Brain and in turn fried it in the ass. He resorts to Nuts, everyone pushes and starts to pause the Brain himself.
Voice-over: Nuts! Nobody will let you fuck brains!
"Dear comrades! You listen to the program "For those who would like to know, but hesitate to ask." And now, by phone 333-33-33 ask your idiotic questions!
- In Belarus, an action of nature advocates was held: the good Greenpeace pilgrims dug moles, put on their glasses and buried them back.
"And now, Klepa, you hold the fate of the whole world in your hands!" - Caesar spoke with dignity when Cleopatra took him by the balls ...
Vodka on the phone: "I slowly unscrew the lid." I take off .You take out your little folding glass! ".
- Darling - and your husband knows that you are cheating on him?
- Mine ?! No ... But yours knows!
"What did your wife scream at you for last night?"
- Yes for the library ...
"Did you go to the library yesterday?"
- Yes.
- And yelling for what ?!
- Yes, I forgot the panties in the reading room ...
The economic exchange of Russia and France is expanding: the French send us a perfume that you can drink, and we give them vodka, from which shadows are under the eyes.
After a long bargaining they hit on the hands ...
Then on the face.
In the hostel the girl is being prepared for a date: "Give 50 grams for bravery!".
- Maybe it's better for 100 for stupidity ...?
One organization requires a girl with experience in computer, desk, chair - in general, where you have to!
"Gentlemen, my horse has suffered!"
- Well, what now, do not have an abortion ...
A woman comes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have a rupture in my left shoulder."
- Now we'll see, undress.
A woman takes off the top of her clothes, but the doctor says to her:
- No, undress completely.
"But, doctor, I have a rupture in my shoulder."
"Look, I'm a doctor, so undress completely and turn your back on me.
The woman fulfills the doctor's demand, he takes off his trousers and sharply planted her behind her 7 cm in diameter.
She cries out in pain, and the doctor says to her: - That's what a break! And what you have in your shoulder is stretching!
Two girls talk:
- Estimate, here there is a dream in a hand ... I dream last night that I'm in bed with such a man, and I feel so good ... And what do you think? A doorbell rings me, I go to open it, and there's my friend standing there ... Some rubbish babbles, but I realized why he came-dragged him, he did not even have a chance to squeak. What guy, eh?
- Oh, you know, by the way, I also dreamed last night that I eat such delicious pistachio ice cream that I even woke up. And so I wanted him, that I woke Vitka and asked him to go and buy me ice cream. And what do you think? He did not say a word, got up, dressed and went looking for an ice cream in the middle of the night. I returned only in the morning and ice cream, though I did not find it - but which guy, eh?
- Yeah, so I say ... I open the door, and there Witek is standing and some garbage about ice-cream pistachio loads ...