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The team of KVN "PARMA"
BREEZE: Diary of Sveta and Jeanne
Dedicated to my friend Svetka - a girl with a subtle soul, much more subtle than Svetka herself.
1st of February. Went to the dance. Mom gave me her skirt, handbag and boots. Well, that is, as she gave: she did not mind: well, she was not at home. So she gave me cigarettes too.
February 2. All my friends already have erotic dreams. And I have some kind of airships, giant cucumbers and bananas. Lord, when will I finally grow up?
-Was at home. She looked out the window. Girls in the courtyard were smoking grass. Then the police came and took them: Now I'm suffering. On the one hand - I saved them from drugs, and on the other - with whom I now will walk?
- I climbed into my father's library. I discovered a volume of Voltaire. I found 500 rubles. Voltaire is my favorite writer!
-In the 38th time I watched the movie "Pretty Woman". I still want to become a prostitute. Well, if it does not work, then the doctor.
-Volter's evening. I found 1000 rubles. Still, much more opens when you read again!
18th of Febuary. I'm of age. I can do everything that my mother forbade. First of all, licked the swing and put her fingers in the socket.

Zhanke wrote her poems at the age of majority:
They dropped the bear on the floor,
Tore teddy bear paw,
But I got all the fibers,
I pawed at the windows.
I will not throw it out anyway -
Che-nid still poke!

February 22. We thought for a long time what to give to our boys on the Day of the Defender of the Fatherland. They broke off with Voltaire and bought a box of vodka.
February 23. We looked at our boys: and these people will protect us ?!
26 February. In the evening I decided to roar. Sobbing will be devoted to two topics: No one likes me "and" I'm fat. "
February 27. We got up with Sveta on the scales. Now we have a terrible secret.
28th of February. All! Since March 1 we go on a diet!
29 February. Finally went to McDonald's. Now we finish the cake and go to bed. A new spring is a new life!
40 February. What a long winter this year!
-Papa leafed through Voltaire all night. I wonder what he is trying to find there, a man with a secondary technical education ?!
Civilization!
About Kolya from the Nizhny Novgorod Guild of Photographers. I come with a diskette to print photos. They say to me: "We do not accept floppy disks." I ask: - For what reason? Kolya comes up and says: "For the same one, according to which they do not go in bast shoes and do not ride horses, it's out of date!" I begin to object, saying the floppy is still in high speed, and here and there the only carrier of information. But Kolya did not listen to me and answered brilliantly: "Look around!" Twenty first century! Civilization! People burn in crematoria! And you - with a floppy disk!
Story in order
A friend bought a daughter (4,5 years) with a cassette with the film "Beauty and the Beast". Comes home from work and asks her to tell what the cartoon was about. Girl: - There's such a terrible screaming "UUUUUU !!!!!", and her beauty sees and shouts "Aaaaaaaa !!!!" And ... - No, - says the father, - you tell everything right, in order. Clear? The child sighs heavily, sits on the sofa and starts: - The Walt Disney film company presents ...
Cynicism
Stagnant times. Almost all first-year students forcibly became members of the Voluntary People's Guards. At one of the first briefings of pre-retirement age, the captain of the police read out to the dormant red-haired public a short list of what the citizens of ZY and the long-tailed that NIZHYA were. In the last among the banal "covertly drink" and "loudly sing" suddenly sounded: "TO BE CZINIZED". The people woke up, asked for clarification and heard: - On the territory entrusted to us are a chess club, a cinema, a pub. Of course, after all this, a peasant may feel a little impatient. If he is attached somewhere at the Christmas tree to pour - this is a violation, but not heavy. To stop and specify. And here, if he walks along the central avenue and like this ... and the captain pictured something in between the fastening of the fly with two hands and the firing from the thigh from the Kalashnikov assault rifle - this is CYNISM !!! Delay and deliver. The next day at the University after the words of the lecturer: "The Mensheviks behaved themselves extremely cynically, having risen in opposition to Lenin," the occupation of the History of the CPSU was thwarted.
Shit guard
Yesterday the shopping center agreed to meet with a friend. I drove to the parking lot near the center, my friend was late, well, I'm sitting in the car, smoking, waiting. In the meantime, I'm waiting, in front of the park, there's a fucking new and polished "Land Cruiser", out of it comes a shim washer of non-standard dimensions, behind the puck, cheerfully wagging its tail, the Rottweiler jumps out, too big. With the words "x # li, I'll protect the car!" The owner takes his four-legged friend and flings back into the jeep. And goes shopping. At this time, several schoolchildren, apparently returning from school, became interested in the miracle of the Japanese automobile industry and surrounded the Land Cruiser, admiring and discussing it. For the reason, apparently, excellent noise insulation, the rottweiler was audible, but I personally saw him trying to run on the ceiling and, pushing from the instrument panel, jumped diagonally across the salon. And judging by his face, he barked unceasingly. As he strained, it became clear minutes after 15, when the children had already left, and the owner returned. Judging by the yelling of the "jiper", as well as the number of pizdles that Tuzik received, the dog was so pushing in the performance of its direct duties to protect the car, which obkakalas. And continuing to rush inside, smeared everything, that naidulcirovala, on a gentle light velor plating ... Such a shitty guard.
Pobirushka and punk
Narrated by a punk. Appearance otpadny - kosuha, chains, Iroquois stands so that passers-by associate envy, some skulls on a T-shirt, thorns on bracelets ... For half a quarter the human figure is seen by a grandmother and having a normal song Grandma examines my body with bulging eyes, continues to speak on the machine, but quietly and quietly ... "Give bread for the sake of Christ ... the savior ... oh, bl." "And unobtrusively crawls to the side." Well, Duc ... I took out a small change from my pockets and gave it to her. A good mood and not that much money costs :) "
Why do I need a camera
I work in the company that deals with the purchase and sale of bearings. As a manager of analytics department of electronic commerce. In the province, such a tricky word is a person who responds to the email and sends ads to free bulletin boards. I'm talking about a week ago in a smoking room with one of our stevedores. The boy is 20-22 years old. I will not say that I'm stupid, but ... a loader, in a word. The conversation began about the phones, everyone compliments, etc. And I have a phone with a built-in camera. And after the next dialogue I begin to understand the meaning of the years spent in the dorms of MSU hostels: - Yes, do you need it? "Well, imagine, you have a vacation, you're sitting on the beach in the Canary Islands, looking at the sea, at the palm trees." I liked your palm - I immediately took a photograph and sent my beloved girl to Russia (or, well, someone else ...) on e-mail. - Yes, well, b, on x ## it is necessary - I took an ax, cut a palm tree on ###, took it under a mouse and brought it to the girl. Well, what else to say ...
Odnoyaytsevye
Remember, "Nogu Svelo": "There is a miracle girl in our class, all good, just bald ..." There were two such girls in our class. And they were not just girls, but sister girls. The twins. Identical. And so identical that Lyubov from Vera does not know that her friends-friends, their mother sometimes could not tell: she is of the same height, her face is a dash, her hair is bald, both like a knee (more precisely, like two knees), and even dress the same. Well, in short, a real school attraction. But the teachers were afraid scared. Well, not themselves, of course, but the fact that they someday will be thrown out. Type one for another exam will come to pass, or something like that. And I must say, there was something to be afraid of, because, in terms of public debauchery, the girls were at least somewhere: they did not climb into a pocket for a word, well, and they kept each other by themselves with all their might, they did not give any offense. I say the same - uniform twins. Well, so ... Imagine: the school is ordinary, secondary education. There is a lesson in Biology. Uchilka explains to the class the device of the pedicel. Class due to the fact that the device is to him deeply violet, restrained noise. Teacher young - is nervous. From time to time, trying to fight anarchy with standard replicas: "Quiet on the back of the desk!", "Stop talking!", Etc. The class does not stop, and Vera and Anyone suddenly start talking in full voice, and with every word they say All louder, and in the end, and at all go almost to shouting, than they caution not only classmates, but also the teacher (with what this dialogue began, nobody but them remains unknown). Vera (loudly): - Lub, are you a fool? Lyuba (no less loudly): - And what is this I'm a fool? - And what a fool or something - you do such things! - Yeah, but is it something better? - Yes, you are wiser than you! "Are you the wiser you are?" Yes, compared to me, you're a complete idiot! - Itself an idiot, a beast! "Shut up, you shithead!" "Why are you shutting me up?" Why are you shutting me up ?! I'll scratch your whole face right now! "Shut up, I tell you, bitch!" I shchas myself you will strangle me !!! Class in a daze. Everyone with bated breath awaits a bloody denouement, but then a coma comes out of a coma, who before that looked at them with an open, obviously not understanding how one can quarrel with her mirror image at all. Uchilka: - So, the girls quickly stopped! Now I'll kick out both of them! Vera, clearly omitting the words of the teacher by the ears, very loudly: "You are a scumbag!" Right now, I have you # u boo ... Teacher, interrupting Vera in mid-sentence and pointing at her with her finger: - So! What are you doing ?! Cursing ?! Get out of class! Now!!! Vera has a confused look. In the fuse she apparently completely forgot where she is at all. But there's nothing to do. She grabs her things in an armful, quickly walks to the door, reaches the door, turns around sharply, stares at her sister with furious eyes and squeezes out hatefully through her teeth: "Lyuba, what an image of you!" Of course, the lesson was thwarted
I am not a boy! I am a girl!
Once we sit on the grass at the fountain, in the hands of beer, leisurely there is a conversation. Merciful peace ... Sunny comes ... Suddenly something about 10 years old approaches me and asks for a cigarette. And I basically do not give cigarettes to children. Well, and I say that they say go get some rest, boy ... What is this puffing up like an Indian cock and proudly declares: "I'm not a boy!" I am a girl! I WANT TO SHOW! With the last phrase, the people tighten up sharply, because everyone is generally aware of the difference between people of different sexes ... but then follows no less cheerful continuation of the phrase: "Look!" I have nails painted!
Prevention of syphilis in Yazov
We have sex in the country - Democrats proudly declare from television screens. About "this" glossy magazines on the ruins, books, telecasts. For 10 years, the disease with syphilis, according to the chief sanitary doctor of Moscow, has increased by as much as you would have thought 200 times. But in fact once all this was not. I mean, not venereal diseases, but information. Everything was decided in a close home circle. And in the teams where it was difficult with "these" leaders had not been sweet. Recently read an article about how this problem was solved by Marshal Yazov, and not somewhere, but in Cuba. The article had a purely military title: "Do not go where the dog did not put it!" In short, the word to comrade marshal: "It was in Cuba where I commanded the regiment." We then just arrived on the island, stationed around the camp Komsomol patrols - guard soldiers From the Cuban prostitutes One of the patrol could not stand it - it was worth two pesos, after two weeks the soldier brought this doctor, all known venereal diseases in the analyzes. "" Your treatment costs a lot of dollars! "I say to him. I'll find a way to heal you, but you'll promise that in the field club you'll show your disgrace to the whole regiment. "Without officers, there will only be soldiers and I. He agreed." He showed me. "There were two and a half thousand soldiers in the hall. Horror looked at his "economy", and his male dignity, so as not to lie, was the size of a wine bottle. "After this" political information "I no longer had a single infected fighter!
Chukan
Turkey. Hotel with a system of "all inclusive". Dinner. At the Swedish tables are a lot of salads and snacks, in addition, something is constantly fried and cooked by people in the cook caps around these tables. I want to try everything. Any dish seems small. My wife comes to the Chinese and asks in tolerable English what he is cooking there in his frying pan. The pieces taken from the frying pan look very appetizing, and even the sauce is somehow watered. I wonder how the beast looked, from which it was made, maybe he even floated ... The answer in Chinese is brief and precise: - Chukan. It's okay ... They asked me what, they say, you're frying, Busurmanin? - Chukan. Became uncomfortable for poor knowledge of English. Who it? A chipmunk or a bird? In short, we must take for purely cognitive purposes, to learn the language. Have taken. Have tried. Tasty, but not clear. These Chinese people will make the product so they will smear it with sauces, which you will eat the dog. Maybe, "Chukan" is a proper name. Then I had a vague guess. Need to check. He came and exactly, the sign on the table in front of the Chinese read "Chicken". Chicken in our opinion ...
Crosswalk
In the glorious city of Ottawa, which is located in Ontario in a distant and cold Canada, there is Carling Street. Nothing, in fact, not a remarkable street. Almost in its very middle is a nursing home - also unseen ... And right in front of it - a funeral home - well, it also happens ... In general, this coincidence no one pays any attention, but there is one detail - connects the two institutions pedestrian crossing with a funny sign (translation is not verbatim): "Attention, older people cross the road!" I will leave to the grateful reader the opportunity to think about how, in what form and how often they do it ...
On the live bait
I'm standing by the "zebra", but about thirty meters upstream the green light has just turned green and a continuous river of cars is running past, accelerating. I'm not in England, I'm waiting. Nearby are the knight of the striped wand and the sad driver, whose Moskvich park is immediately there. Ment carefully flaunts the victim's papers, seemingly without noticing anything around. Suddenly he speaks quietly, without turning and almost not moving his lips, as if afraid to scare the game: "Go, go, just let someone try not to stop!"
Light bulbs
I'm standing somehow in the "Light" store near the counter, where electric lamps are being traded. Suddenly a man comes up to the counter, not drunk, but a little poddaty, gives the saleswoman a check and says: - I'm two blowjobs and without a mat ... After about 30 minutes, laughing, I realized that the man needed only transparent minions.
Lost key
On my laptop, the "c" key jams. In a hurry I'm typing a document to the chief, a signature there-such and such, the head of such and such a department. We send by e-mail. A couple of days the boss looks at me askance, and hints at a sign on his door ... In short, I wrote him as the head of the department of comic technologies instead of space.
With physics over
I watch the news on the channel "Fox", they tell about the American fighter F-22 "Raptor". Among other things (flights at supersonic speed, "invisibility", etc.), he can also fight with cruise missiles. "Which," the colonel of the US Air Force explains, "does not obey the laws of Newtonian physics. Finally, the law of gravity is finished! Although in a single country ...
NINJA.
In my childhood, I saw enough of the ninja video of ninja movies, how all sorts of samurai were there, ninjas of all the colors of the rainbow were fiercely cutting each other's crotchets, pouring shiraki, throwing asterisks and other shit from the various arsenal of ninja reception. Well, I'm the type also zahatel was so cool and ahyunna jumping ... but due to the fact that I walked more to the tipper than to the ninja - I could jump and kick on fucking only on the tusky muzzle of the neighbor pug Valdemar, who personified A dark side ... I started to train like in the movie hongildon ... I put all the brass knuckles into my socks that I only found in my house .. and jumped through the knotted tree behind the towns, but I jumped low and soon from the tree Only the trunk remained ... and even then it was broken in three places ... for which one day he received from the elders a fucking pussy ... It was necessary to somehow decide the issue with weapons, what would the coach be fooling the dark side in the form of Valdemar ... decided I start with darts that I decided to soak up with poison ... I made a lot of darts ... 15 pieces ... of notebooks and needles ... for the loss of needles I got pussy already from my mother ... I had to puff poison ... How can I do it - in my favorite book "Spacer for midwifery" - I did not find .. but the pictures there were boozy .. in every sense! In general, I made poison from all kinds of solvents, acetones, bleaches, household chemicals, potassium permanganate, and vapors of a dozen tablets that I found in a medicine cabinet ... fucking this malicious mixture I dropped needles into it ... left for a day ... after That the needles turned green and became fucking scary looking ... darts were ready ... It was necessary to make asterisks ... fuck ... I thought for a long time ... how to do it ... until in the spring we went to the cemetery ... where Scampering among the old and abandoned magicks, I thought of fucking off an asterisk from one monument to myself. Though not the 8th final, but also 5 ends were nonsense ... the main thing was that she fucked into the trees of Niiuev ... even with unshagged edges ... I For a long time it hid from everyone, since it seemed to me to be the most terrible weapon ... It was necessary to make clothes for myself ... I decided to make it myself from the tent ... the color of the panorama, if fucking green cones from cedar and rotten untreated hedgehogs. .. In general, I had a raincoat and a cap on the ebalnik .. in which there were 3 holes - for the mouth, and the eye ... And on the legs for jumping, I decided to add a couple of springs from the couch that I found on the padom ... it looked like Huyev ... but the feedback was kabudto I spiderman-2 somehow ... I also made myself an abortion hook ... out of a hole ... and two meters of rope ... And now ... the decisive battle of the ninjis with the evil vampire Valdemar. .. Valdemara had to slip and put in an abandoned boiler room in the furnace boiler ... In the evening I got dressed in a ninzi suit ... took darts ... ponatykal them in all places of the costume ... there ... where the needles were in contact with the body - it began Burning ... but I already had a fuck ... I was a lifesaver of mankind from the insolent, huge shots of Valdemar, who multiplied in the yard every day ... on my left shoulder I hanged myself a rope and took a hook ... in my right hand I Took a star of advice ... and went to battle with evil ... Fuck was already as dark ... when I climbed on the roof on the wall ... bitch ... the springs on my feet interfered with ahuena ... one tore the matter and now Thundered ... but I crawled onto the roof ... and then I had to go down a pile of coal to the Valdemar's lair ... throwing darts on all sides ... Pizza ... when I was already on the roof - I was someone Saw from the neighbors ... and said that I fell on a pile of coal in the boiler room that a sarcastic wail of the sabaha is heard ... and it seems that she ate a fuck ... or at least bit it ... and I fucked at that time with darts Invisible ninjas, had them on ebalnikam, legs and other dicks, fought with them on a pile of coal ... shorter fun on everything ... and shouted to Waldemar that his fucker ... like the latest lice on Lenin's bald head ... Parents ... realizing that it was already quite late - they went to save me ... but even when Valdemar was ready to die with the death of the brave - a crowd of people burst into the boiler room with lanterns ... and then the oil painting for Malevich ... I .. All in rags and coal dust ... in darts that stick out even in some places ... with springs on their legs ... and a star from the grave in the other hand ... dad recognized the tent ... and fucked me slowly on the back of the head , From which I immediately realized that the ninjas better not to be any more ... said that for such a fucking I still have a seat belt ... Mom was crying over Voldemar, which was strewn with darts and who whined like the last rat ... All Ended neuhueva ... if you do not think that Valdemar now began to shit not only on the street, but also at the entrance when he met me ...
Why do we have sex?
You think the answer is obvious - to get an orgasm. Or for procreation. For you, there is news! Less and less people actively participating in big sex are motivated by these motivations. Much of the progressive humaneness has long been using sex as the most pleasant and cheap remedy for ... Yes from the mass of problems! 1. You have a permanent depression, and everything around him monstrously irritates. So, during sex, the mood improves noticeably. In addition to simply psychological satisfaction in the process of sexual intercourse, the hormone endorphin is released in the human body, responsible for the good mood and positive perception of the world by man. And some researchers argue that the improvement of mood is associated with a change in the hormonal status of the organism, caused by the activation of certain centers of the brain. Uff-f, barely uttered! In fact, everything is simple: from high-quality sex, the mood improves on the chemical level - and you do not need to apply any special efforts for this. Truly << relax and have fun >>. 2. You constantly have something hurts. Forward, to bedtime feats - to reduce pain sensitivity! Before orgasm, a hormone with the mysterious name oxytocin is thrown into the bloodstream of the person, under the action of which pain killers endorphins are formed - natural morphine analogues. And in women, sex and does contribute to the production of estrogens, which suppress pain associated with premenstrual syndrome. So sex is the best analgesic. 3. You are unhappy with your weight, constantly sit on diets, but this does not help you lose weight. Bedding is the best sporting device ever devised by humanity! In an excited person, the pulse rate increases from 70 to 150 beats per minute - this is like a weight lifter during lifting a bar. One sexual act burns about the same number of calories as 15 minutes of running at a good pace on the treadmill - but how much better the first is better than the second! Well, the arithmetic example of "sweet": for 30 minutes of sexual intercourse 200 calories are burnt. That is, having sex once a day, you will lose a pound of weight in a week! And in a month? 4. You regularly catch all kinds of viruses. Strengthen your immunity with sex! In the blood of people who do this regularly, it contains 30 percent more antibodies than those who abstain from abstinence. Therefore, sexually active ladies and gentlemen are less likely to catch flu, cold and other infectious diseases. As for diseases that are picked up in another way, the answer is: condom, condom and once again condom. Not in the sense, of course, to wear three pieces at once, but in the sense of not forgetting to buy! Fortunately, these supernatural pieces are sold everywhere - at least in the pharmacy, at least at the cash desk in any supermarket. 5. You do not like the size of your breasts. Incredible, but true: regular sex increases the breast! The fact is that during the stimulation the blood flow increases and the breast can grow by 25 percent! 6. Your memory often leads you to bad information. It's also hard to believe, but with every orgasm, women ... raise their IQ! American scientists, relentlessly exploring the sexual possibilities of bipeds, found out: during orgasm, blood circulation in the body occurs at the maximum maximum speed and oxygen-enriched blood quickly reaches all organs, including the brain. And the control center for the hormonal system - the hypothalamus - also controls the work of the centers of memory and learning. So students and students during the sessions should not only be cramming ... 7. You are suffering from insomnia. But how sweet it is to fall asleep after orgasm, right? All because the sex hormone level of oxytocin has a strong soothing effect and is an excellent natural sleeping pill. 8. You are not satisfied with the tone of the skin of the body. So why did it happen? During sex almost all muscle groups are trained. And especially important for women, like the muscles of the pelvis, hips, buttocks, abdominal press and arms. In addition, during sexual intercourse, the hormone testosterone is released into the blood, favorably affecting the musculoskeletal system. Another regular sex work improves posture. 20 minutes of sex equated to half an hour of morning exercises. So, if you are basically thin, but can not get rid of the hated tummy, you now know what to do. 9. You are horrified to discover all the new signs of aging on your face. With regular sex in the body, the content of the collagen important for women is increased, which, as is known, makes the skin smoother and silky. And produced by the body during sex, progesterone relieves the face of pimples. For the same American studies, couples who constantly make love at least 3 times a week, after 30 years, ALWAYS look two or three years younger than their peers who practice abstinence. 10. You are constantly unhappy. Any long-legged beauty, especially younger than you, causes you a quiet annoyance, and photos of models in magazines spoil your mood for the whole day ... Only passionate sex can cure this ailment. When the coveted man tells you that you are the most beautiful woman on earth and proves this by deed, you will finally stop thinking about how many extra centimeters have girdled your waist, or that the priest is no longer as elastic as in the old days. When a man wants you, it is much easier to accept and love yourself!