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My Blog: jokes jokes funny stories

It’s a hot September day in 1980, in the audience it is stuffy, it is somehow beckoning, construction is going on nearby and the piles are clogging loudly. Opposite the market, so the room is full of cheerfully buzzing flies. We are waiting for the first lecture on labor protection. The bell rings, a hefty middle-aged man enters, obviously not from the professors, it seems: the former chief engineer of the Novosibirsk Instrument-Making Plant named after Lenin. Why sit, says, grab pens, write: section one, "SCALPING." Next, I reproduce his lecture as I can, from memory. The plot is the first. Once upon a time there was a soldering iron. It was soldered for about 10 years, and so related to its production tool that when it was combed in her nose, she scratched it with a hot soldering iron. You can guess the results yourself. The plot of the second. Why do design engineers in KB most often suffer? Think hemorrhoids? And here it is, from a fracture of the jaw. Comrade students, hold the Kuhlmann with your hands when you press the pedal. The plot is the third. It is not only the kulman that is dangerous. An example from the same design bureau: one intelligent designer, so as not to sniff out the bald spot of a neighbor, delicately turned to the window, and smashed his face on the stone window sill (see, it was a bit cramped.) The plot is the fourth. Which file can I use when working on a lathe? The correct answer is no. But if you already use it, then make sure that it is without a handle, since a stab wound heals faster than an injury with a blunt object. Here at our factory ... (the detailed description followed, but I omit illustrative details from pity for the readers). And the fifth, last, most dramatic. Here you girls, I see a hairstyle, her hair is loose. Do you know what happens from loose hair? Rock-pee-digging. Your lock will fall into the lathe - and per second it is good if the ears remain. Here in our factory in such a workshop ... (I omit the details) ... In short, I was scared during this lecture, but who knows whether it is from the heat, from the flies, from the inspirational topic, or from the Stalin’s squid tentacles with mustard. This man didn’t come to us anymore, lectures were given by someone less familiar with factory reality, but I undoubtedly learned lessons. I don’t pick my nose with a soldering iron anymore, and sneeze away from the windowsills, which I also wish for you.
Sausage, a piece of bread
Glorious city of Baku, summer 1984, a friend and I both know our native country (already former). In retreat: Before that, we already knew Yerevan, which, of course, was not told to anyone in Baku. But we were already accustomed to situations where the concept of “surrender” (in the sense of money) simply did not exist and a glass of kvass from a barrel on the street from a young healthy guy (who forgot “small”, 0.25 L, - 3 kopecks, " large ", 0.5 l, - 6 kopecks.) cost a penny that way at 15-20 (if you pay 10, the look in response was very offended and it was felt that it was better not to approach this barrel in the future). But the story is not about that. And about the buffet in the hotel of the Baku airport (the one that is directly in the middle between two parallel runways). We are two young and healthy, but yesterday’s students (finances are not vast), we don’t think about all kinds of restaurants there (what kind of restaurant-mestaran is it?) And for breakfast we go to the designated buffet. “Sausage, a piece of bread,” we ask. "RUE". Okay - where (on Kapkaz) kvass for 15 kopecks., There is a sausage with a piece of bread for a ruble, - which is already there. But - not enough. The next morning (where ours, that is, our money, did not disappear), "Two sausages, two pieces of bread," is us. "RUE" is the same barman. It has become better - and more interesting. The next morning, the experiment between us was formally formalized. :) and continued: "THREE sausages, THREE slices of bread." - "RUE" (!!!) We had no choice but to retreat. And the fourth morning came. "FOUR sausages, FOUR slices of bread!" Caucasian justice triumphed: TWO RUBLES ...
Lion on the phone
In the political department of SU ZakVO in 1987-89, a certain Aron Abramovich Lev (retired lieutenant colonel) worked. When he picked up the phone, he introduced himself: - A lion by the phone. They say that once his next phrase was: - What a zoo ?! This is the political department of the construction department of ZakVO! In the same SU ZakVO served as a lieutenant colonel Bodnar. He was distinguished by an "enviable" tongue-tied tongue. Once I heard him give instructions for correcting the text (I try to preserve the sound of the original): - Here it is retype and do it so that it is as it is. Is that clear or not?
Boule and newf
On a dog’s site in the park, HP settled with a bull terrier. Bul is very impudent and loud, all claims to the owner are suppressed at the root with loud and profanity. Almost all the patrons pass him by, but once a newf appeared on the court. Who does not know - this is a diver, the majority causing emotion. Description of the landscape is over. Boole, running free, sees a violation of his territory by some black slobbery bastard and flies to punish the offender. But at this time, the newf (maybe of course by chance, I hope not) yawns and the boo flies into his mouth. Imagine the picture: Black beast 60 kg bites off the head of a rat! pause .... Presented? Well no, a mistake. Nuf just politely covered his mouth for about 20 seconds, and then spat out impudent, but either did not calculate, or he intentionally pressed his teeth. A boule flew out of the mouth with a scalp. To the credit of the bull, it is worth noting that it was not this that stopped him (fighter). His master stopped behind his hind legs. Here, in principle, is the end of the story. PS Since then, bulya walked only on a leash
What will not happen on New Year's Eve
Student years. January 1 evening at the hostel. I, the "home" myself, came after the New Year meeting to congratulate classmate classmates (90% of the girls). All fellow practitioners met are rumpled, tired, but happy. I run into the room to two inseparable girlfriends Oksana and Lyuba. Congratulations, hugs, we start to communicate, and then I notice that the relationship between them is somehow tense, and I feel that this is not a quarrel, but I don’t understand what exactly. As one of the few men in the group, I begin to find out and untwist the girls on the subject: "What happened?" They crumple and deny, saying "Everything is in order." I click on them further and get the latest story. Having met and celebrated the New Year’s hostel with dignity, we went to the hostel in a “good” condition for a New Year’s disco, pretty much dancing and stretching out, swaying for about 5-6 in the morning, wept into our room to sleep. Just undressed and lay down, starting to drive off, the door to their dark room opens from the corridor, two well-suited lads drop in too, and exclaim: - So here you are! And we climb for an hour looking for you, after which they fill up the room and, undressing, fall to the girlfriends on the bed. In the morning, the girls wake up at 14-00, overwhelmed by the consequences of last night and after-alcohol sensations. Lazily stretching in the beds. The guys are no longer in the room. Vaguely remember when they gathered and left. Oksana gives out the phrase: “It was great yesterday to celebrate the holiday, we danced, only your friends got a little for the night.” Lyuba, stretching lazily, responds: - What are my friends got? Your friends got it, not mine! Oksana (already slightly tensed): - Yes, it’s not my friends at all, I thought it was yours ... Lyuba: - And I - it’s yours ... The girls look at each other and understand what will not happen on New Year's Eve. In this state, I found them, as if no one was to blame, but they raped everyone.
Two short stories
Two short stories: 1. We sit in the office. The programmer's office smokes almost everything, including myself, so smoke is a rocker. Cigarette butts from time to time, when the ashtrays run out, are thrown out the window. I, tired of tobacco smoke, go up to the window, look at the ground and say thoughtfully: - And the bulls are under the windows .... A colleague in a quarter of a second: - Nothing of the kind, I'm here! His surname is Bychkov ... 2. We are sitting in the office. Summer. Hot. The window is closed, because the construction of two more buildings is underway and the workers are constantly pounding something, sawing in general, they are engaged in a variety of construction garbage. They also love to cut iron sheets and fittings with a grinder - the sound is the same, the head quickly takes the form of a cube with these sounds, in general, it is better to die from the heat than from such accompaniment. We are kidding that they are throwing such jokes specially for us. We notice that there were no sounds for 20-30 minutes. Alex sneaks up to the window and, with the words: - Well, what, enemies, let me breathe? - opens the sash. The effect of the refrigerator ... Simultaneously with the opening of the window, the grinder begins to yell ...
Mom of one of my acquaintances went to France to her eldest daughter. To visit. Well, there is Paris, the city of love and all that ... well, mom brought it to the video store. She walked there, walked, and reached the hall where porn was sold, absolutely openly and with appropriate covers. She, an elderly honored woman of Soviet hardening, walked among the stands with cassettes and quietly went crazy ... She wandered among porn for about forty minutes, until the seller finally approached her and politely said a wonderful phrase: "Madame is looking for something SPECIAL?"
Where is your horse
The wife of a Ukrainian diplomat is very interested in horses, that is, equestrian sports, etc. Therefore, in all countries where her husband is on duty, she is interested in organizers of diplomatic gatherings, where you can find some kind of equestrian club. At that moment, the husband was in Bucharest, where he represented at some diplomatic gathering not only Ukraine, but also Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan. The wife mentioned above approaches the organizers of the assembly and asks her usual question: “And where can you find horses here?” The officers carefully look at her, then at the badge on her chest, which says: "The delegation of Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan" and give out: - Actually, we have a taxi!
Culturally sat
I have a friend, Serge (real, lends money Smile happy ), he accordingly has a wife, Vika. Hello to both of you! Relations are VERY peculiar ... But the last joke is just super. Sergey steers one of the branches of a large trading and manufacturing company. On New Year's Eve, she rents a whole boarding house for organizing a corporate party. Lighted, as they say, not bad. Now the joke itself: throughout the evening Seryoga took turns dancing with 10 different lonely madams and gave everyone about one phrase: "Madame, my heart is broken and lies at your feet ... So lift it and warm it! I'm at 12- m room, I’ll wait ... "Then, together with Vika, we dragged vodka snacks, and began to wait. ALL came !!! Moreover, Vika cut off the path to retreat, and Serega hospitably poured, seated, treated ... They sat culturally ...
Stole the rooms
The case this winter ... Mail # 1 (secretary, writes to everyone): dear employees, please don’t worry anyone, nothing bad happened, just the front numbers were stolen from 7 cars parked in front of the building. The situation is under control, representatives of the executive authorities are informed and will arrive soon. Mail # 2 (deputy chief, writes to everyone except the secretary): colleagues, all in a bunch, called the police, canceled the call, talked to the secretary, explained to her that it was snowing.
Scary curse
A guest arrived from the Caucasus. (I myself came from there, but at that time I studied in Kiev). However, they speak Russian quite well. Well - a slight accent, that's all. And we walk along the street. Come on. Winter. Or almost spring. Slush. The snow is lying. Some “Moskvich” maliciously drives a wheel into a puddle. A friend from the Caucasus is covered in snow mud. According to the recollections of a Friend from the Caucasus: "All Russian words have fallen from my anger ... But people will not understand the language in my mother tongue." Indeed, the phrase he uttered in a righteous angry impulse is still considered the most original matyuk that I have ever heard. "Yes ...! Ugh chiba on XX ## YY!" - yelled DSC on the whole street. A terrible curse.
Tomorrow's exam
One extramural student recounted a unique feuilleton from his test life that happened a week ago. The session came, and in connection with his departure, he wanted to quickly pass his past debts and current exams. Summing up nothing, he rushed to the Methodists with gifts, and to the teacher of philosophy, a man of a very respectable age, to explain the situation. I must say that people from St. Petersburg came understanding, didn’t want to detain anyone, but loved gifts, and in the very shortest time of the same day, my acquaintance received a state mark for passing the exam on the set-off date and in the sheet tomorrow. In the morning, his peaceful dream was interrupted by a fellow student’s call: "You have problems with philosophy." That awake parried: "I have no problems!". “Nevertheless, there is,” the caller insisted, “and very big problems.” My friend, puzzled by the fact of the presented gifts and the presence of marks, which clearly contradicted the fact of the presence of problems, woke up completely, determined to figure out this incomprehensible situation. As he found out a little later, this morning his whole group, having come to the philosophy exam, found out with great chagrin that the exam would not take place and was postponed for another half a year due to the fact that this morning the teacher, simply speaking, had left the world different. One can imagine how surprised the employees of the higher educational institution experienced, and all the others involved, having discovered after the untimely death of an elderly philosopher a mark on passing the exam dated to this mourning day. However, according to a friend, everything worked out, the Methodists settled the issue, and he calmly drove to his destination.
Russian chocolate
I saw a price tag in the store: "Russian Chocolate: Walnut + Liver." I imagined this tasty food, I think wow people have taste preferences, I’ve already thought of this. It turned out to be much simpler - the seller did not fit the letter "e", they did not bother - rewrite the price tag and left it as it is.
It was many years ago with a country called the USSR, in the Union Republic - the Byelorussian SSR. In general, the UAZ headquarters was moving towards the division, but the problem was that the division was in the forests (Belarus, who does not know, is forests and swamps, a partisan paradise). So, UAZ with people in uniform, secret documents and a road map was moving through the forest. The map was generally understandable, but somehow it turned out that there should have been a fork for a long time, but it never was and never was. The people did not worry much. They drove, rode, until they left for the village - this greatly perplexed them, since nothing of the kind was foreseen on the map at all. They are like normal Soviet officers, decided to ask for directions, slowed down near a certain grandfather, got out of the car and asked: - How to get to city N? Grandfather was very surprised to see people in uniform, waved his hands at them and uttered only one phrase: “Polish, panov too ... Here a point jumped out of real Soviet officers in uniform and with secret documents ... By the way , nevertheless, they safely reached the destination, because the Polish border guards handed them over to us very quickly and silently, ours just as quickly and silently accepted them and, setting a kick in the direction, they released them. Ask why they got off so easily? Can you imagine: both ours and the Poles have stolen UAZ with the military on the state border. Luley would be raking in full EVERYTHING, and the border guards are also people ...
In our country houses an owl started up. But this is not the joke. She usually eats mice, but her small brain did not understand that mice are tiny creatures and ... In general, there are almost no cats left in the dachas.
Infantile men are the misfortune of the 21st century.
Are infantile men a misfortune of the 21st century? For those who don’t know what kind of "animals" these are outlandish, I can tell you, I’m sure that you’ve met animals in your life >> they have met more than once or twice, maybe you’re lucky that you didn’t a victim of their selfishness and deceit. Unfortunately, infantile barter is very widespread, so in vain do you think that male children are spoiled adolescents or, in any case, males who have not reached 25 years of age. Age has nothing to do with it, and the whole problem is in education. For those who still do not quite understand who they are talking about, I will give a few illustrative examples. Option number 1. The man is moody. Such men are selfish and irresponsible, and it is useless for them to talk about it, at best they will blame you for everything. His typical sentence is: “Darling, you spoiled me so much!” >> or << Darling, I take an example from you >>. One of my friends had such a young man - a 27-year-old banker with a standard dream - to drive a BMW X5. There was nothing wrong with his dream (after all, this is an ordinary human desire to have a prestigious car), but the matter took a very interesting turn. One fine day, the couple in love decided to live together, but it’s bad luck, the young man put his entire salary into a car, so the girl had to pay a rented apartment, fill the refrigerator with groceries, and buy beloved socks, underwear and deodorants at his own expense, well and to provide for themselves, of course. The boyfriend always reassured the girl with the words: << When I have a car, every day I will take you to work and home. Yes, your colleagues just burst with envy! >>. Unfortunately, a happy civil marriage did not live up to the purchase of a car, and collapsed miserably a year later. We must pay tribute to the patience of my friend, who was able to hold out so much time. The reasons, I am sure, are not worth explaining. Who was he? Gigolo? No, gigolo is a completely different thing, it was a typical example of an infantile man who wanted an expensive toy and got it by any means. Most likely, as a child, he was lying and screaming on the floor of some department store, asking his mother for a car or ice cream. And every time mom bought him everything, just to not see his tears and screams. Option number 2. The man is bitchy. Especially a lot of bitchy men divorced, they gossip, intrigue, intrigue, complain, whine, make claims, emotionally react to all sorts of little things. << If I knew that you would be half an hour late, I would go to the cinema with Misha! >> - your beloved declares to you, and this despite the fact that you sent him five SMS, where he warned that you were late, and a hundred just apologized now. This type will be offended the whole evening and build himself into a victim. In the end, he is so keen on this occupation that he will quietly accuse you of all his failures. And if you are already married or have been dating for a long time, then you often hear from him: << My whole life went awry as soon as I met you! >>, << I was not promoted at work because I spend evenings with you and not how everyone is sitting in the office until night! >>, << You always impose your opinion on me, I already can’t take a step on my own. You and mom are at the same time! >>. A bitchy man rolls scandals, tantrums, wails to you, and you think about him << poor thing >>, and to yourself << bitch >>. Option number 3. The man is helpless. Another common option is a spoiled sissy, who is used to being "kissed in the ass" and fed from a spoon. My girlfriend’s 30-year-old husband still doesn’t know how to turn on the gas stove. Offended, he will wait for his wife to come and feed him. Sometimes it seems to me that if she goes on a business trip, then he will simply starve to death. But this, fortunately, will never happen, because when there is no Olga, his mom runs nearby to feed the boy. Girls! This is normal? Or maybe, in a completely neglected form, they also wear diapers on them, otherwise they are suddenly described? Option number 4. The man is narcissistic. In marriage, my girlfriend was happy. Every day she waited for her beloved husband with a hot dinner (and not with the banal semi-finished products heated in the microwave), every day she improved in culinary art. She also ironed and washed with pleasure, and also did the rest of the housework. And all because the girl’s mother from early childhood inspired her that all these are female responsibilities, and the main purpose of the woman is to take care of her husband and children. Her husband was raised in the exact same family where his mother told him that his wife should obey him and do everything for him. But one day, the family idyll collapsed - a child appeared in the family. A young mother was torn between a child and her husband, and at that time dad constantly complained and was offended by inattention to his own person: << You do not need me anymore. Do not you love me anymore. You give him (the child) much more time >>. This << more >> showed through in each phrase, and once a man simply went to another, to the one that also became << his second mother >>. Selfishness, narcissism, increased resentment, the belief that << I am the navel of the earth >>. Common situation? And you can recognize such an infant in the early days, when instead of << we >> he constantly pronounces one solid << I >>.
Super sex with my wife.
Brothers in mind! I appeal to you. That is, to men. Many of you are married. Married for a long time and, apparently, forever. And many have the same problem - sex. Does your wife not want to have sex with you as often as you want? Does she have permanent headaches, lack of sleep, critical days? Is she cold in bed, doesn’t take the initiative, shies away from fulfilling conjugal duty? What a vile thing! Undoubtedly, this is a consequence of her bitchy nature. And what to do? How to change the situation, turn this << snow queen >> into a hot little thing, a lustful nymph, an insatiable slut? Very simple, I tell you. You just need to use a few simple tricks, which I will discuss below. A woman is a complex creature, unknown and unknowable. But! She has several unconditioned reflexes, using which it is quite easy to manipulate her. So ... Do not believe the vile fabrications that slip into you every now and then in the form of well-designed books entitled "How to make sex interesting after 25 years of marital fidelity" or "35 ways to return passion to family sex." Full of crap, I tell you. In no case do not follow the advice of the losers who write these books. It is at least stupid and wasteful, and sometimes dangerous. For example, the advice to bring your faithful an armful of flowers, bring it to a restaurant, and then, laying down an apartment with candles to read her poems, is simply a provocation. In addition to the fact that this event will finally undermine your family budget, it can cause a completely inadequate reaction from a surprised spouse, and often a fire. Spit on the back of these theorists floating in the clouds. Return to the sinful earth. I offer you the simplest, and most importantly, cheap way to persuade your spouse to unbridled sex. You just need to perform a few simple steps. All of them fit into the framework of traditional sexual techniques. Namely, preparation - foreplay - climax. Masterfully executed the first two stages reduce the third to a simple formality. Therefore, focus on them. 1. In the morning (yes, you need to prepare a sled in the summer), pay attention to how your wife is dressed. It is possible that her coldness over the past three days is due to your indifference to her new costume, which so effectively underlines her merits, and quietly hides her flaws. Exclamations "Oh ...! Where did this awesome skirt come from?" not always appropriate, since it is possible that this is not a skirt at all, but a dress bought 3 years ago at a sale. Better neutral "You look so spectacular in this ... uh ... clothes." If your spouse did not perceive this as a subtle mockery, then you can safely move on. 2. Approach your spouse, and kissing your neck, say: "you have such a nice ass, I can’t wait for the evening, I’m excited." I warn you that you should not do this at a time when in her hands are dangerous objects such as a hot curling iron, a full kettle, or a hot iron. From surprise, she can commit inappropriate acts. Moreover, if she had not heard anything from you before, using foul language. 3. At lunch, unexpectedly, and as if in between cases, wash the dishes. It is possible that this will cause suspicion. Get ready for it. To the question "what have you done?" it should be answered with a charming smile, and to the demand << well, breathe! >> to draw air into yourself. 4. In the evening, come a little earlier, and take out the trash. Where it is better to find out in advance. As a rule, in the kitchen, under the sink. If there is no garbage, then someone has already taken it out. Do not despair, go to step 5. 5. Prepare dinner. It sounds threatening, I agree, but do not take everything so literally. On the way home, buy pre-cooked pizza. Read the instructions carefully. When the wife enters the house and stops dead in her tracks, casually ask her: "Honey, do you love with a crust?" Be vigilant, fainting is possible. 6. Usually already at this stage, especially sensitive women reach the first orgasm. The rest, as a rule, are already close to this. Further, everything is not so complicated. You need to change your favorite socks to clean, and sprinkle yourself a little cologne. Yes Yes! squeeze the will into a fist, and sprinkle. Outside. Will have to make this sacrifice. So it is necessary. 7. The most difficult. Watch with your missus evening series. Remember that you will be rewarded for this. Be patient. Try not to let go of maliciousness, and not loudly laugh in particularly dramatic places. And no one said it would be easy! Reading some mantras with their eyes closed helps some. I don’t know, I haven’t tried it. But this must be completed: 8. Actually the preparations with the prelude are finished. The final touch may be the phrase: "don’t put on panties today, you won’t need them." And if after all this, your little wife does not pounce on you like a hungry lioness, then ... then you are not married! What have their undoubted advantages.
Table booked
A group of comrades led by Vasya come to the nightclub, and all the tables are occupied. And on one plate is the "Table is booked." Well, they hid the plate in Vasya’s backpack so that it wouldn’t glow much, but they themselves sat down at this table. But the tablet is serious, on a glass stand ... They hid it and forgot it, then left, and the tablet is in the bag, do not carry it back! So really they didn’t want to, but they pioneered, this is willpower! But the joke is not even that. Drunk Vasily after that they take the cops and start a shmon. Find a sign and ask "WHAT IS IT ????!" And he had told them before that - they say I’m eating from the club, I drank beer, so it's so funny. But Vasya, he was not taken aback, he said that he always carries this tablet with him to clubs! It happens - you go out in a double, and the table is already occupied, and so you put the sign "The table is booked", and no one sits down. Cops penetrated. They thought: “If only we had such a sign” ... And Vasily probably told them how to get to the place where such signs are sold in the market ... In general, the good Vasya did not get confused and presented. They said: “Thank you, dude! They wanted to accept you, so you won’t take anything off of you, and we really liked your tablet.” They thought, they say, you won’t give it to us. And you are kind. In short, they parted. Now they have a plate in the mentovka on the table, and they greet Vasily every time.
Turn on the side
We went to a friend just now (let’s call him Igor, although in reality he’s not only called that way) "to nature." Private house, grass (almost lawn!), Canopy of cherries, barbecue, beauty .. Under the guise of "barbie-q", the pork sausages were fried alive and consumed with an adequate amount of beer and soulful male talk. It was time to go to bed, I actually chopped off before everyone else - on a wide two (and sometimes, I suspect, three-, four-) sleeping bed under air conditioning ... ... a very early morning .. a light hangover .. rattling shades of lilac the dawn cautiously peers into the room .. I wake up looking at the ceiling .. I turn my head to the right - a naked man is sleeping nearby ... doesn’t sleep .. opens his eyes ... and says in an lazy, insinuating voice "Well, turn to the side .." Thought one: A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! Thought two: And the little pork foxes have already been eaten! His back went cold and tightly rooted to the ground ... "-WHAT?" "-CRAFT YOU, S-S-S-S-S-BIT!" Relieved ... Yeah, - I say - okay .. But until the morning I still overslept on my back ... :) )))
Why don't you come in?
I am 25, my two bosses (initials V.I. and R.M.) for 40 - respected and fairly wealthy people. We arrived for an important meeting at the Savoy restaurant, Irkutsk. We are waiting for partners on the street. A family of drunk vagabonds-khanig goes by: father, mother, daughter. A huge fingal flaunts under the mother’s eye. She obscurely looks around us and slows down her look at R.M. He stops, looks at him for a long time, goes in our direction. We carefully look at her and wait for what she asks to say: "I went to x # th !!!" But she says: "Mikhalych? Mikhalych, but you don’t come to visit me?" We are with V.I. We are already looking at R.M. and start to laugh ... R.M. blushes, looks at us from underneath, sniffs loudly (what a blow to his position :) ) First he answers her: “Yes, there was once something ...” We are already lying, we are laughing just like horses. R.M. blushes even more, looking at V.I. and so sarcastically says: "But you don’t say hello, didn’t you find out?" Rzhu is already the only one ...
Men's logic - women's revelations!
Dear Sirs, Comedians! You often make fun of women's logic in your speeches - moreover, you raise the question of whether women have logic in general? And rightly so. There is no more abstract concept than female logic. And what kind of logic can there be for those who are engaged in the kitchen and washing clothes, and at work - typing on a computer? Whether the matter is men's logic. She, and only she - the crown of everything, she is invariably present in all areas of our difficult life, and her perfection does not cease to amaze women: and sometimes not just surprise, but to dignify and perplex in a big way. After all, male logic is the logic of a real economist. A man may starve to death, but still he will buy himself a coveted block of cigarettes! And if a man cannot have children and for this reason the doctor forbids him to drink and smoke, the patient will prefer to remain childless all his life, but he will not give up his habits. Cheaper cost. Men know how to count and do it with great pleasure. My girlfriend, digging through the Internet, came across an ad: << I am changing my wife of 60 to two for 30 >>. Of course, another no less talented mathematician answered him: << I’m 30 >> if I were you in my place I would change it to three by 20 >>. They also calculate up to a minute the date of conception of your child - of course, in order to prove that they have nothing to do with it. Men's logic is inseparable from the logic of the collective. Without the approval of the “boys”, the rank’s husband, be sure, and he won’t take a step. My girlfriend quarreled with her boyfriend because he flatly refused to introduce her to his friends. It turns out that in his company all the guys were lonely and despised those who started novels, because Pasha was afraid that he would not be kicked out of the party for "cheating". Alla threw in her heart: << But I wonder - if you would want one of their company out of need, would you endure half a day until everyone wants it? >> - << Don’t think that I’m a rag, - Pavel answered. - It's just easy to find a girl, but a good friend who would understand you is hard >>. My ex classmate was going with her husband to fly to America for permanent residence. Guess if she got there or not? That's right: her hubby forgot about the departure of the plane, because he suddenly remembered that today marks the year since the date of the release of the beer "Rogan", and they went to the ceremony with the "comrade" When in ten years she is - by her naivety! - I left for a day on a business trip and left my three-year-old daughter at him, she was a little embarrassed by the fact that his mobile did not answer. My daughter picked up the phone and said - they say, dad went fishing. But then a number with an unknown operator appeared in Ira’s mobile phone - it turns out that dad didn’t << go >>, but flew fishing in Karelia. << What is it? - Styopa was perplexed. - Dimon was supposed to fly with Vask, but Vasek broke his leg - not to lose the ticket! Don’t you like fish ?! Well, it's you in vain! >>. In addition, male logic is the logic of the keeper. Moreover, the woman, in the words of my teacher, keeps the family hearth, and the man keeps himself from the family hearth. And from everything connected with it. Remember the joke: the wife sends her husband for bread, and he replies: << This is not a man’s business >>. The wife says to him: << Well, then let's do the man’s business >>. - << Don't you understand jokes? Come on with the bag! >> My godfather asked me to help with the repair. Lena and I moved heavy furniture and deftly climbed to the ceiling with strips of wallpaper, and Lena's husband was lying on the sofa in the next room. When we women realized that we won’t be able to move the cupboard, I called Sergey - say, help. He, not getting up from the couch, muttered: “I don’t want it, I don’t need it >>.” Lena could not stand it: << What do you want? Wallowing in front of the TV? >> - what Gray shouted at: << Only bulls in the staircase are lying around >>. Precisely noticed. No woman would have thought of this. So male logic is also the logic of the observer. And male logic is the logic of a true psychologist. A man is always Freud by nature, he knows the subconscious of a woman like the back of his hand. К примеру, он угадывает скрытое желание женщины создать семью именно с другой женщиной, а не с существом противоположного пола. Женя пригласила свою подругу Инну в гости. Та, конечно же, поставила в известность любимого мужа, написав SMS такого содержания: <<Я УШЛА В ГОСТИ К ЖЕНЕ>>. Через пару минут пришел ответ встревоженного супруга: <<У ТЕБЯ ЖЕНЕ>>ЧТО, ЕСТЬ ЖЕНА?!! ТЫ ЖЕ ДЕВУШКА!!!>>Логика мужчины-врача - это особый феномен. Логика врача - эта логика удивительно скрупулезная, дотошная и, она, как правило, не проигрывает. Например, если к пожилому врачу придут две пациентки - мать и дочь - с одной и той же болезнью, можете не сомневаться, что старшую больную он попросит только показать язык, а младшую - раздеться полностью. Ежу понятно, почему: пожилой доктор опасается, что за двадцать лет женское тело настолько эволюционировало, что он может неправильно поставить диагноз: А логика работников правоохранительных органов вообще комментариев не требует! Моя соседка по купе умудрилась увезти украденную за бугром скрипку, потому что таможенники не нашли. Однако из этого же купе они все-таки скрипку выудили - из моей сумки. Дело в том, что я купила надувную игрушку - в форме этого музыкального инструмента. Только без смычка. А один из таможенников, осмотрев <<контрабанду>>, выдал гениальную фразу: <<Да вы не то, что спрятать - даже украсть толком не можете! Уж если воровать - то со смычком надо!>> Мужская логика непредсказуема, когда дело касается судьбоносных решений. Два месяца назад я встретила своего знакомого, который тут же похвастался мне: <<А я тут уже года два в гражданском браке живу>>. - <<С кем?>> - <<Да с Анькой>>. Вчера я снова встретила его: <<Да я вот женюсь>>. - <<На Ане! Class! Поздравляю!>> - <<На какой Ане?!>> - изумился Мишаня. <<А на ком же?>> Тут мой знакомый бросил на меня такой уничтожающий взгляд, словно я оскорбила его до глубины души: <<На Ларисе я женюсь!>> - <<А давно ты с ней знаком?>> - <<Да месяца четыре>>. Больше я Мишку не допрашивала: я и так понимала, что нет смысла жениться на девушке, которая все равно ему дает. Другой мой знакомый удрал из загса за три минуты до начала церемонии: он, оказывается, испугался, что его жена через пару десятков лет располнеет и покроется морщинами: Разве женщина может быть столь дальновидной?! Вообще, мужская логика очень противоречива. Ребята-студенты как-то признались: <<Когда девчонка дает, это не прикольно. И когда не дает, это тоже не прикольно>>. - <<Так что же делать?>> - недоумевала аспирантка кафедры психологии. Но ответить преподавательнице мальчишки так и не смогли. Видимо, ответ на этот вопрос пребывает до сих пор в состоянии разработки. Мужская логика - логика настоящего философа. Ну, назовите хотя бы одну известную женщину-философа? Нет, сия отрасль - парафия исключительно мужч ин, потому что женщины не способны довести мысль до конца. Им не позволит молоко, которое нарочно в эту минуту сбежит, или ребенок, который вдруг ни с того ни с сего заплачет. А их мужьям подобное не грозит, и они полностью погружаются в мир неведомых материй. Именно они дают названия вещам. Так, добрачный секс они именуют любовными утехами, а секс в браке - супружеским долгом. Ни разу не родив, они уже знают о том, что лучше один раз родить, чем каждый день бриться. Они тысячу раз докажут, что имеют право быть главными, потому что первая согрешила именно Ева. В такие минуты откровения хочется спросить: <<А где же была ваша мужская логика, когда Ева соблазняла вас?>> Да, мы можем наблюдать плоды этой внезапно ушедшей в отпуск мужской логики, когда огромная очередь стоит у кабинета венеролога. <<Почему вы не пользовались презервативами?>> - спрашивает доктор. <<Как?!>> - возмущается пациент и с жаром начинает доказывать, что сей предмет есть главная преграда на пути к женскому телу, а значит, и к познанию этой самой женщины. М-да, он ее не только познал, но она с ним еще и кое-чем поделилась:

Оставили мы этим летом своего семимесячного пса с дедушкой на даче. Дедулька наш - весьма еще бойкий и в идеальных отношениях с зеленым змием. А сами месяц отдыхали в Крыму. По возвращении домой мы с удивлением отметили некоторую неадекватность пса во всем, что было связано с элементарными командами. Допросили дедулю. Оказалось, что дед общался с ним как с лучшим корешем. Вот приблизительный перечень команд: 1) НЕХ*Й! - фу 2) НАХ*Й! - что-то типа "иди отсюдова!" 3) АНУБЛ*!!! - рядом 4) КОМНЕБЛ*!!! - ко мне Ко всему прочему теперь откликается также на кличку "П*ЗДЮК". Никогда не оставляйте своих питомцев надолго, хотя бы и ближайшим родственникам...
В курилке. Толпа мужиков (все в возрасте за 30) и одна девушка. Мужики, конечно, пошлят - изголяются как могут. Один другому: - Тест хочешь. У тебя с утра одеяло шалашом стоит? - Ну... иногда. - Малаца. Да тебе не 36, тебе 26. Все ржут. Девушка интересуется: - А у тебя то как? Или ты только других тестируешь? Другой перебивает: - Да у него нет никаких шалашей... Он на животе спит. Первый парирует: - Ну, да - и все утро вишу в воздухе. Аж вся спина в побелке. Все (мужики) опять ржут. Девушка молчит, курит. Ее спрашивают: - Что притихла то? - Да вот, о высоте потолков задумалась...
Дежурная поликлиника
Лет 15 назад работали мы (все участники этой истории - семь молодых специалистов и руководитель бригады) в неком оборонном КБ. Много было командировок по небольшим городам СССР, в том числе и в г. Каменск-Шахтинский, где все и случилось. В общем, представьте себе: заводскую гостиничку, жару в 40, такую, что мокрая простыня, накинутая на почти голое тело, высыхала минуты за 3. По коридорам этой гостиницы в выходной день мается восемь человек, кто в плавках, кто в простынях - ходят к друг другу в гости. Один самый хитрый решает испить зеленого чайку и поскольку, как обычно в гостиницах, шнур кипятильника дотягивается от того места, куда его положено воткнуть, только до кровати, ставит на кровать тарелку на нее стакан, опускает кипятильник... Закипело. В нарушение правил техники безопасности (как потом объяснил руководитель), этот хитрый молодой человек, вместо того, чтобы просто взять стакан и насыпать туда заварки, сел на кровать. Весь кипяток выплеснулся ему под место на которое люди одевают плавки. На дикий рев сбежались все бродящие по коридорам. После осмотра места происшествия выяснилось, что без вмешательства советской медицины не обойтись. Руководитель вспомнил, что за квартал от гостиницы видел здание дежурной поликлиники, куда все восемь человек, одев на пострадавшего сатиновые штаны и придерживая их (штаны) сзади руками, чтобы не так больно, и отправились. Двух этажная больничка встретила нас запахом карболки и вежливой бабушкой в регистратуре на первом этаже, которая, поинтересовавшись острая ли боль, и у кого болит, отправила нас выше, сказав, что врач как освободится, больного вызовет. Через 5 минут ожидания из кабинета показалась симпатичная девушка и пригласила пострадавшего зайти. Через несколько секунд из кабинета раздался истошный женский визг. Все ломанулиль посмотреть. Поликлиника оказалась стоматологической, а на вопрос покажите, что болит, пострадавший снял штаны. Девушка-врач видимо вспомнила, что в коридоре еще семь мужиков. Р. S. А задницу все-таки смазали мазью от ожогов полости рта и, кстати, быстро зажило.
Важнейшее событие
История от В. Тихомирова (известный математик, мех-мат МГУ) Дмитрий Евгеньевич Меньшов, пожалуй, самая легендарная фигура среди наших "стариков": историй про него - не счесть. Вот одна, где я выступаю живым свидетелем. Как-то в шестидесятые годы (это было принято тогда) организовали встречу профессоров и преподавателей кафедры теории функций и функционального анализа со студентами - в общежитии. Дмитрия Евгеньевича попросили рассказать о рождении Московской математической школы. Он согласился и начал свой рассказ так: "В 1914 году я поступил в Московский Университет. Николай Николаевич Лузин был тогда за границей. Но он договорился с Дмитрием Федоровичем Егоровым, что они организуют семинарий для студентов. И в 14 году Дмитрий Федорович такой семинарий организовал. Он был посвящен числовым рядам. В следующем году Николай Николаевич вернулся в Москву и начал руководить семинарием сам. В 1915 году мы занимались функциональными рядами, а в 1916 году - ортогональными рядами. А потом наступил тысяча девятьсот семнадцатый год. Это был очень памятный год в нашей жизни, в тот год произошло важнейшее событие, повлиявшее на всю нашу дальнейшую жизнь: мы стали заниматься тригонометрическими рядами ..."
Пьянка по-фински
Живу и работаю с Испании (Mаrbеllа) в одной очень небольшой, но очень интернациональной фирме (на 12 человек - 7 разных стран). Работала у нас какое-то время девушка из Финляндии и рассказала вот что: оказывается, горячие финские парни, когда очень мало водки, но очень хочется напиться, не смешивают ее с пивом, как в России, а пропитав женский гигиенический тампон сорокоградусной жидкостью, вставляют его себе... в задний проход. Ректально, то бишь (наверное, щиплет, но сразу в слизистую и в кровь). На прощание, она подарила своим коллегам по проекту, двум испанским паренькам, ма-а-а-а-ленькую бутылочку финской водки и 2 тампончика О. B. (размером "одна капелька"), попросив выпить за нее при случае...
Горячие пирожки
Сижу сегодня на экзамене. Препод ходит туда-сюда - хрен спишешь, тишина идеальная. Открывается дверь и в аудиторию вваливается бабуля лет семидесяти в измазанном фартуке. Плюхает свою засаленную котомку на переднюю парту и таким зычным голосом орет: - Горячие пирожки картошка капуста горох, не стесняйся подходи! Препод медленно обалдевает. Чуть не плачет: - Бабушка, вы что, это же экзамен в университете, как можно? На что бабуля совершенно спокойно, махнув рукой в сторону препа, выдает: - А что, милок, раз экзамян, они кушать не хотят, что ли, ишь ты! Шаркал бы ты отседова, а не то я те покажу как детей голодом морить, изверг! PS. Бабулю кое-как вытолкали. А экзамен сдали все.
У меня две дочки - Алена (5 лет 9 мес) и Оксана (4 года). С ними в этом году опять ездили на море. Алена обожает бегать по пляжу голенькой, а вот Оксана - не особенно. Пришли с ними на пляж, Аленка быстро скидывает с себя купальник и остается в одной косынке, а Оксана медленно снимает лямки с плеч, опускает купальник до пояса и говорит: - Ну, я не хочу купаться, как маленькая, голой... Пока я думаю, что ей сказать, Аленка ей отвечает: - А ты купайся голой, как большая. На что Оксана отвечает: - Ну, у взрослых пися волосами прикрыта...
Сегодня на редкость актуально
Группа исследователей задавала детям от 4 до 8 лет один и тот же вопрос:
"Что значит любовь?"
Ответы оказались намного более глубокими и обширными, чем кто-либо вообще мог себе представить.
Когда моя бабушка заболела артритом, она больше не могла нагибаться и красить ногти на ногах. И мой дедушка постоянно делал это для нее, даже тогда, когда у него самого руки заболели артритом. Это любовь. Ребекка, 6 лет
Если кто-то любит тебя, он по-особенному произносит твое имя. И ты знаешь, что твое имя находится в безопасности, когда оно в его рту. Билли, 4 года
Любовь - это когда ты идешь куда-то поесть и отдаешь кому-нибудь большую часть своей жареной картошки, не заставляя его давать тебе что-то взамен. Крисси, 6 лет
Любовь - это то, что заставляет тебя улыбаться, когда ты устал. Терри, 4 года
Любовь - это когда моя мама делает кофе папе, и отхлебывает глоток, перед тем, как отдать ему чашку, чтобы убедиться, что он вкусный. Дэнни, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда ты говоришь мальчику, что тебе нравится его рубашка, и он носит ее потом каждый день. Ноэль, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда твой щенок лижет тебе лицо, даже после того как ты оставила его в одиночестве на весь день. Мэри-Энн, 4 года
Когда ты любишь кого-нибудь, твои ресницы все время взлетают и опускаются, вверх-вниз, а из-под них сыплются звездочки. Карен, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда мама видит папу в туалете и не думает, что это противно. Марк, 6 лет
Если ты не любишь, ты ни в коем случае не должен говорить "я люблю тебя". Но если любишь, то должен говорить это постоянно. Люди забывают.Джессика, 8 лет
Ну, и наконец - автор Лео Баскаглиа однажды объяснил смысл этого опроса.
Целью его было найти самого заботливого ребенка.
Так вот, победителем стал четырехлетний малыш, чей старенький cосед недавно потерял жену. Увидев, что мужчина плачет, ребенок зашел к нему во двор, залез к нему на колени и просто сидел там. Когда его мама спросила, что же такого он сказал соседу, мальчик ответил "Ничего. Я просто помог ему плакать".

Ехал после бурной пьянки в такси.
При подъезде к дому проскочила мысль - "что может не заплачу".
Доехали они значит до пункта назначения, друг открывает дверь и начинает бежать, спотыкается об бордюр, падает, рвет новые брюки и раздирает руки.
Поднимается. Забегает в подъезд, цепляется об перила - рвет рубашку.
Вызывает лифт (хорошо, что оный на первом этаже стоял). Доезжает до своего этажа. По ходу достает ключи. Судорожно открывает двери. Забегает в дом.
Закрывается на все замки. Прислушивается через дверь нет ли погони.
И тут вспоминает, что расплатился когда садился в такси.
PS Представьте лицо таксиста.