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The hot September day of 1980, in the audience is stuffy, something vanishes, construction is not far away and loudly slaughtered piles. On the contrary, the market, so the room mass cheerfully buzzing flies. We are waiting for the first lecture on labor protection. The bell rings, a hefty middle-aged man enters, clearly not from the professors, it seems: the former chief engineer of the Novosibirsk Instrument-Making Plant named after Lenin. What are you sitting, says, take the pens, write: the first section, "SCALPING". Then I reproduce his lecture as I can, from memory. The plot of the first. Once there was a plumber. She was 10 years old, and was so close to her production tool, that when she had her nose combed, she scratched it with a hot soldering iron. You can guess the results yourself. The plot of the second. Why do design engineers in KB most often suffer? Think of hemorrhoids? And here and there, from a broken jaw. Comrades, students, hold the drawing board with your hands when you press the pedal. The plot of the third. Not only kulmans are dangerous. An example from the same design bureau: one intellectual designer, in order not to brush his neighbor's bald spot, delicately turned his back to the window, and broke his face naked on a stone window sill (you see, it was cramped.) The plot is fourth. What file can I use when working on a lathe? The correct answer is no. But if you use it, then take care that it is without a handle, as the stab wound heals faster than the injury with a blunt object. Here we are at the plant ... (the detailed description followed, but I omit illustrative details out of pity for the readers). And the fifth, the last, the most dramatic. Here you are, girls, I see the hairstyle, hair loose. Do you know what happens to loose hair? Scream-pee-roo Your order will fall into the lathe, and in a second it is good if the ears remain. Here we have a factory in such a shop ... (omit the details) ... In short, it made me sick during this lecture, but who knows whether it is from the heat, from flies, from the inspirational theme, or from the table squid tentacles with mustard. This man never came to us again, someone less familiar with the factory reality read lectures, but I undoubtedly learned the lessons. I’m not picking at my nose with a soldering iron anymore, and I sneeze away from the windowsills, which I wish for you.
Sausage, a piece of bread
The glorious city of Baku, the summer of 1984, together with a friend we learn about our native country (already former). In order of retreat: Before that, we had already come to know Yerevan, which, of course, did not tell anyone in Baku. But they were already accustomed to situations where the notion of "surrender" (in the sense of money) simply did not exist and a glass of kvass from a barrel on the street was from a young healthy guy (who forgot - "small", 0.25 l, - 3 kopecks. " big, 0.5 l, - 6 kopecks.) costing 15–20 kopecks that way (if you pay 10, the look in response was very offended and it was felt that this barrel would be better not to fit in the future). But the story is not about that. And about the buffet, which is in the hotel of Baku airport (the one right in the middle between two parallel runways). We are two young and healthy, but yesterday's students (finances are not limitless), we don’t think about all kinds of restarans there (what kind of such ranstaran-mestaran?) And go to the designated buffet for breakfast. "Sausage, a piece of bread," - we ask. "RUP". Okay, - where (on Kapkaz) kvass for 15 kopecks., There is a sausage with a piece of bread for a ruble, which is there. But - a little. The next morning (where ours, that is, our money, did not disappear / s): "Two sausages, two pieces of bread," is us. "RUP" - the same barman. It became better - and more interesting. The next morning, the experiment was officially arranged between us. :) and continued: "THREE sausages, THREE pieces of bread." - "RUP" (!!!) We had no choice but to not retreat. And the fourth morning came. "FOUR sausages, FOUR slices of bread!" Caucasian justice triumphed: "TWO RUBLES" ...
Lion on the phone
In 1987–89, a certain Aron Abramovich Lev (a retired lieutenant colonel) worked in the political department of SS ZakVO. When he picked up the phone, he introduced himself: - The lion on the phone. It is said that once his next sentence was: - What kind of zoo ?! This is the political department of the construction department of ZakVO! In the same SS ZakVO served a certain lieutenant colonel Bodnar. He was distinguished by "enviable" tongue-tied. Once I heard him give instructions for correcting the text (I try to preserve the sound of the original): - Now reprint it and make it as it is. Is that so or not?
Boule and Newf
HP settled with a bull terrier in the park. Boule is very impudent and loud, all claims to the owner are stopped at the root by loud and profanity. Almost all the regulars pass him by, but one day a newf appeared on the site. Who does not know - this is a diver, most causing affection. Description of the landscape is over. Buhle, running free, sees a violation of his territory by some black slobbering bastard and is flying to punish the offender. But at this time, the Newf (maybe of course and by chance, I hope not) is yawning and the boule flies into his mouth. Imagine a picture: A black beast of 60 kg bites off a rat's head! pause .... Presented? Well, no, mistake. Nyuf only politely closed his mouth for about 20 seconds, and then spat out a little impudent person, but either he didn’t calculate, or he pressed his teeth on purpose. Boule flew out of the mouth with his scalp removed. To its credit, it is worth noting that this was not what stopped him (the fighter). Stopped his master for hind legs. That's basically the end of the story. PS Since then, the bullet walked only on a leash
What just does not happen on New Year's Eve
Student years. The evening of January 1 in the hostel. I, the “home” myself, came after the meeting of the New Year to congratulate the obschagovskikh classmates (90% of the girl). All fellow practitioners are crumpled, tired, but satisfied. I run into the room to two inseparable girlfriends, Oksana and Luba. Congratulations, hugs, we begin to communicate, and then I notice that there are some strained relations between them, and I feel that this is not a quarrel, but I don’t understand what it is. As one of the few guys in the group, I begin to find out and promote the girls on the subject: "What happened?". Those crumple and excuse, they say, "It's all right." I press them further and get the freshest story. Having adequately met and celebrating the New Year's hostel with almost a half, they went to the assembly hall of the hostel in their "good" condition to the New Year's disco in the assembly hall; Just undress and lay down, starting to drive off, the door to their dark room from the corridor opens, two well-trodden lads drop in too, and exclaim: - So here you are! And we are looking for you for an hour, after which we throw you into the room and, having undressed, fall to the girlfriends on the bed. In the morning, the girls wake up for an hour at 14-00, overwhelmed with the consequences of the previous night and after alcohol sensations. Lazily plodding in the beds. The guys are no longer in the room. They vaguely remember when they gathered and left. Oksana gives out the phrase: - It was great yesterday to celebrate the holiday, they danced, only your friends got a little overnight. Lyuba, lazily smacking, responds: - What are my friends got? This is your friends got, not mine! Oksana (already slightly tensed): - Yes, not my friends are at all, I thought it was yours ... Luba: - And I - that yours ... Girls look at each other and understand - what just will not happen on New Year's Eve. It was in this state that I found them, like no one was to blame, but they all were raped.
Two short stories
Two short stories: 1. We sit in the office. The office of the programmer smokes practically everything, including me, so that is the smoke of the yoke. Occasionally, cigarette butts from time to time when ashtrays run out, are thrown out of the window. I, tired of tobacco smoke, walk up to the window, look at the ground and thoughtfully say: “And the bulls under the windows ...” A colleague in a quarter of a second: - Nothing like that, I'm here! His last name is Bychkov ... 2. We sit in the office. Summer. Hot. The window is closed, because next to the construction of two more buildings and workers are constantly pounding something, sawing in general are engaged in a variety of construction garbage. They also love to cut iron sheets and fittings with a grinder - the sound is still the one, with these sounds the head quickly takes the form of a cube, in general it is better to die from the heat than from such an accompaniment. We are joking that they, especially for us, throw out such jokes. We notice that there were no sounds for 20-30 minutes. Lyosha sneaks up to the window and, with the words: - Well, what, enemies, give a breath? - opens the sash. The effect of the refrigerator ... In sync with the opening of the window, the Bulgarian starts yelling ...
The mother of one of my friends went to France to see her eldest daughter. Check in. Well, there is Paris, the city of love and all that ... well, my mother brought to the video store. She walked there, walked, and reached the hall where porn was sold, absolutely openly and with appropriate covers. She, an elderly, deserved Soviet-style woman, walked among the stands with cassettes and quietly shizel ... She wandered among porn for about forty minutes, until the seller finally came up to her and politely said the wonderful phrase: "Is Madame looking for something SPECIAL?"
Where is your horse
The wife of a Ukrainian diplomat is very keen on horses, that is, equestrian sports, etc. And therefore in all countries where her husband is on duty, she is interested in the organizers of diplomatic gatherings, where you can find some equestrian club. At that moment my husband was in Bucharest, where he represented not only Ukraine, but also Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan at some diplomatic gathering. The wife mentioned above approaches the organizers of the gathering and asks her usual question: - And where can you find horses here? The official looks at her attentively, then on the badge on her chest, where it is written: "Delegation of Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan" and give out: - In fact, we have a taxi!
Culturally sat
I have a friend, Serega (real, lends money Smile happy ), he, respectively, his wife Vika. Hi to both! Relations are VERY peculiar ... But the last joke is just super. Sergey taxis one of the branches of a large trading and manufacturing company. On New Year, she removes a whole boarding house for organizing a corporate party. They burned up, as they say, not bad. Now he’s funny: throughout the evening Seryoga took turns dancing with 10 different lonely madam and gave out about one phrase to everyone: “Madam, my heart is broken and lies at your feet ... So lift it up and warm it up! m room, I will wait ... "Then together with Vika they dragged vodka snacks and waited. GOT EVERYTHING !!! Moreover, Vika cut off the path to retreat, and Seryoga hospitably poured, seated and treated ... Culturally we sat ...
Stole numbers
The case this winter ... Mail # 1 (secretary, writes to all): dear employees, please do not worry, nothing terrible happened, just 7 cars parked in front of the building, stole the front numbers. The situation is under control, representatives of the executive power are informed and will soon arrive. Mail # 2 (deputy chief, writes to everyone except the secretary): colleagues, all in a bundle, called the police, canceled the call, talked to the secretary, explained to her that it was snowing.
Scary curse
A guest arrived from the Caucasus. (I myself am from there, but at that time I was studying in Kiev). However, they speak Russian well enough. Well - a slight accent, and all. And we walk down the street. Come on. Winter. Or almost spring. Slush. The snow is lying. Some kind of "Moskvich" maliciously enters the wheel in a puddle. A friend from the Caucasus is covered in snow. According to the recollections of a friend from the Caucasus: "I have all the Russian words lost in anger ... And the people will not understand the mother tongue". Indeed, the phrase he uttered in a righteous and wrathful impulse is still considered the most original swearing that I have ever heard. "Yes ...! Ugh tibe on XX ## YY!" - screamed DSK all over the street. Scary curse.
Tomorrow's exam
One part-time student, told a unique feuilleton from his test life, which occurred a week ago. The session arrived, and he, in connection with his departure, wanted to pass the debts of the past and the current exams as soon as possible. He did not hesitate, he descended to the Methodists with gifts, and to the philosophy teacher, a man of a very respectable age, to explain the situation. It must be said that people came from St. Petersburg understanding, did not want to detain anyone, and loved gifts, and in the shortest possible time of the same day, my friend received a state stamp about passing the exam in the register and in the TOMORROW list. In the morning, his peaceful sleep was interrupted by a call from a fellow student: "You have problems with philosophy." He woke up retorted: "I have no problems!". “Nevertheless, there is,” the caller insisted, “and very big problems.” My friend, perplexed by the fact of the gifts presented and the presence of marks, which clearly contradicted the fact of problems, finally woke up, full of determination to sort out this incomprehensible situation. As he found out a bit later, this morning his whole group, having appeared at the philosophy exam, learned with great chagrin that the exam would not take place and was postponed for another half year due to the fact that the elderly teacher went to the world this morning, quite simply different. One can imagine what a surprise the staff of the higher educational institution, and all the others involved, experienced, having discovered after the untimely death of an elderly philosopher a mark about passing the exam dated to this mourning day. However, according to a friend, everything turned out fine, the Methodists settled the question, and he left the place of his destination with peace of mind.
Russian chocolate
In the store I saw the price tag: "Russian chocolate: nut + liver". I imagined this yummy, I think wow people have taste preferences, they have already thought of this. Everything turned out to be much simpler - the letter “e” did not fit the sellers, they did not bother to rewrite the price tag and left it as it is.
The case was many years ago with a country called the USSR, in the Union Republic - the Byelorussian SSR. In general, the UAZ headquarters was moving in the direction of the division, but the problem was that the division was in the forests (Belarus, who does not know - these are forests and swamps, a partisan paradise). So, a UAZ with people in uniform, secret documents and a road map was moving through the forest. The map, in general, was understandable, but somehow it turned out that a fork in the road should have been there a long time ago, but it was not and was not. People are not very worried. They drove, drove until they drove to the village - it puzzled them greatly, since there was nothing like this on the map at all. They, like normal Soviet officers, decided to ask for directions, braked near a certain grandfather, got out of the car and asked: - How to get to the city N? My grandfather was very surprised to see people in uniform, he waved his hands at them and said only one phrase: - Vzhe Polish, Panov ... Right here, real Soviet officers in uniform and secret documents leaped ... By the way nevertheless, they safely reached the destination point, since the Polish frontier handed them over to ours very quickly and silently, ours just as quickly and silently accepted them and, giving a kick in the direction, let them go. Ask why they got off so easily? And you imagine: our Poles and ours were buried on the state border of the UAZ with the military. Lyuley would have ripped off in full EVERYTHING, but the border guards are people too ...
At our cottages, an owl started up. But the joke is not in this. She usually eats mice, but her little brain did not understand that mice are tiny creatures and ... In general, there are almost no cats left in the cottages.
Infantile men - the trouble of the XXI century.
Infantile men - the trouble of the XXI century? For those who do not know what these “animals” are so outlandish, I can tell you, I am sure that you have been animals in your life >> they have been met not once or twice, maybe you were lucky that you didn’t become the victim of their selfishness and deceit. Unfortunately, infantile mena is very widespread, so in vain do you think that male children are spoiled teenagers or, in any case, male individuals under 25 years of age. Age is not here, but the whole problem is in education. For those who have not quite understood who I am talking about, I will give a few illustrative examples. Option No 1. The man is capricious. Such men are selfish and irresponsible, and it is useless to talk about it; at best, they will blame you for everything. His typical phrase: “Beloved, you yourself spoiled me so much!” Or “Honey, I take an example from you”. One of my friends had such a young man - a 27-year-old banker with a standard dream - to drive a BMW X5. There was nothing wrong with his dream (after all, this is an ordinary human desire to have a prestigious car), but the matter took a very interesting turn. One day, a couple in love decided to live together, but bad luck, the young man spent all his salary on the car, so the girl had to pay for a rented apartment, fill the refrigerator with food, and buy her favorite socks, pants and deodorants at her own expense, well and provide yourself, of course. Boy-friend always reassured the girl with the words: << When I have a car, I will take you to work and go home every day. Yes, your colleagues just burst with envy! >>. Unfortunately, a happy civil marriage didn’t live to buy a car, but collapsed with a crash a year later. We must pay tribute to the patience of my friend, who was able to last so long. The reasons, I am sure, it is not worth explaining. Who was he? Gigolo? No, Alfonso is completely different, it was a typical example of an infantile man who wanted an expensive toy and sought it by any means. Most likely, in childhood, he was lying around and screaming on the floor of some department store, asking for a machine or ice cream from his mother. And every time his mother bought him everything, just not to see his tears and screams. Option No2. The man is bitchy. Bitchy men are especially divorced, they gossip, plot, intrigue, complain, whine, make claims to you, react emotionally to all sorts of trivia. << If I knew that you would be half an hour late, I would go to the cinema with Misha! >> - declares you your favorite, and this despite the fact that you threw him five sms, where I warned you that you are late, and a hundred once apologized now. This type of the whole evening will be offended and build up a victim. In the end, he is so keen on this activity that he quietly blames you for all his failures. And if you are already married or have been dating for a long time, then you often hear from him: “My whole life went awry as soon as I met you!”, << I was not promoted at work, because I spend evenings with you , and not how I sit in the office until night! >>, << You always impose your opinion on me, I can’t take a step myself. You and mom are together! >>. The bitchy man rolls scandals to you, tantrums, wails, and you think about him << poor thing! >>, and to yourself << bitch >>. Option No3. Man is helpless. Another common option is a spoiled sissy boy who got used to being “kissed in the ass” and fed with a spoon. My friend's 30-year-old husband still doesn’t know how to turn on a gas stove. With an offended look, he will wait for his wife to come and feed him. Sometimes it seems to me that if she leaves on a business trip, he will simply die of starvation. But, fortunately, this will never happen, because when there is no Olga, his mommy, who lives nearby, runs to feed the boy. Girls! This is normal? Or maybe, in a completely neglected form, they also wear diapers, and then they are suddenly described? Option No4. Male narcissist. In marriage, my girlfriend was happy. Every day she waited for her beloved husband with a hot dinner (and, moreover, not with banal convenience foods heated in a microwave), every day she was cultivated in culinary art. She also gladly stroked and washed, and also did the rest of the housework. And all because the girl's mother from an early age inspired her that all this is women's duties, and the main purpose of a woman is to take care of her husband and children. Her husband was raised in exactly the same family, where his mother told him that his wife should obey him and do everything for him. But one day the family idyll collapsed - a child appeared in the family. The young mother was torn between the child and the husband, and the father at that time constantly complained and took offense at inattention to his own person: << You no longer need me. Do not you love me anymore. You give him (the child) much more time >>. This “more” was seen in each phrase, and once the man simply went to another, to the one that also became “his second mom”. Selfishness, narcissism, increased sensitivity, the conviction that << I am the navel of the earth >>. Common situation? And it is possible to recognize such an infanta in the first days, when instead of “we” he constantly says one continuous “I”.
Super sex with his wife (his).
Brothers in mind! I appeal to you. That is, to men. Many of you are married. Married for a long time and already, apparently, forever. And many have the same problem - sex. Wife does not want to have sex with you as often as you want? She has permanent headaches, lack of sleep, critical days? Is she cold in bed, does not take the initiative, shies away from the fulfillment of marital duty? What a meanness! Undoubtedly, this is a consequence of her bitchy nature. And what to do? How to change the situation, turn this << snow queen >> into a hot little thing, a lustful nymph, an insatiable horny girl? Very simple, I tell you. It is only necessary to use a few simple tricks, which I will discuss below. Woman being complex, unexplored and unknowable. But! She has several unconditioned reflexes, using which, it is quite easy to manipulate it. So ... Do not believe the heinous fabrications that you are shoving every now and then in the form of well-designed books titled "How to make sex interesting after 25 years of marital fidelity" or "35 ways to restore passion to marital sex." Complete crap, I tell you. Do not follow the advice of the losers who write these books. This is, at least, stupid and wasteful, and sometimes dangerous. For example, the advice to bring your blessed bunch of flowers, bring it to a restaurant, and then, setting the apartment with candles, read her poetry, just a provocation. In addition to the fact that this event will finally undermine your family budget, it can cause a completely inadequate reaction from the surprised wife, and often a fire. Spit on the back of these theorists in the clouds. Go back to earth. I offer you the easiest, and most importantly, cheap way to persuade your spouse to unbridled sex. It is necessary, just to perform a few simple steps. They all fit into the framework of traditional sexual techniques. Namely, preparation - prelude - culmination. Skillfully executed first two stages reduce the third to simple formality. Therefore, focus on them. 1. In the morning (yes, yes! You need to prepare a sleigh in the summer) pay attention to how your wife is dressed. It is not excluded that her coldness in the last three days is explained by your indifference to her new costume, which so effectively underlines her dignity, and imperceptibly hides the flaws. Shouts of "Oh ...! Where does this awesome skirt come from?" not always appropriate, as it is possible that this is not a skirt at all, but a dress bought 3 years ago on sale. Better neutral "You look so impressive in this ... uh ... clothes." If your spouse has not perceived it as a subtle mockery, then you can safely move on. 2. Approach the spouse, and, having kissed in a neck, tell: "you have such nice ass, I cannot wait for evening, I am excited". I warn you that you should not do this at the time when she has in her hands dangerous objects such as a hot curling iron, a full kettle, or a hot iron. From surprise, she can commit inappropriate actions. Especially, if earlier she did not hear from you anything except foul language. 3. At lunch, unexpectedly, and as if in between times, wash the dishes. It is possible that this will cause suspicion. Be prepared for this. To the question "what have you done?" should respond with a charming smile, and the requirement << well, breathe! >> draw in the air. 4. In the evening, come a little earlier, and take out the garbage. Where it is better to find out in advance. As a rule, in the kitchen, under the sink. If there is no garbage there, then someone has already taken it out. Do not despair, go to step 5. 5. Prepare dinner. It sounds threatening, I agree, but you should not take everything so literally. On the way home, buy a semi-finished pizza. Carefully read the instructions. When the wife enters the house and stops rooted to the spot, casually ask her: "Honey, do you like with a crust?" Be careful, fainting is possible. 6. Usually, at this stage, especially sensitive women reach the first orgasm. The rest, as a rule, are already close to this. Further, all is not so difficult. You need to change your favorite socks for clean ones, and sprinkle yourself with some cologne. Yes Yes! squeeze the will into a fist, and sprinkle. Outside. We'll have to make this sacrifice. So it is necessary. 7. The most difficult. Watch with his faithful evening series. Remember that you will be rewarded for it. Be patient. Try not to let go of malice, and do not laugh out loud in especially dramatic places. And no one said it would be easy! Some are helped by reading the mantras with eyes closed. I do not know, did not try. But it is necessary to go through: 8. Actually the preparation with the prelude is over. The final touch may be the phrase: "do not wear panties today, you do not need them." And if after all this your little wife does not pounce on you like a hungry lioness, then ... then you are not married! What has its undoubted advantages.
Table booked
A group of comrades headed by Vasya come to the night club, and all the tables are occupied. And on one plate "Table booked." Well, they hid a sign to Vasya in his backpack so that it would not glow much, but they themselves sat down at this table. And the plate is serious, on a glass stand ... They hid it and forgot it, then left, and the plate is in the bag, do not carry it back! So they really didn’t want to, but they spioned it, this is will power! But the joke is not even that. Drunk Basil after that take the cops and start Shmon. Find a sign and ask "WHAT IS IT ????!" And he told them before that - I’m eating food from the club, drank beer, so it’s so funny. But Vasya, he was not taken aback, he said that he always carries this sign with him to the clubs! It happens - you go out in double, and the table is already busy, and so you put the sign "Table booked," and no one sits down. Cops penetrated. They thought: “I wish we had such a sign” ... And Vasily probably told them how to go to the market where they were sold ... In general, good Vasya did not lose his head and presented it. They said: “Thank you, dude! They wanted to receive you, so you can’t take anything from you, but we really liked your sign.” They thought, they said, you would not give it to us. And you are kind. In short, parted souls. Now they have a tablet on the table, and they greet Vasily every time.
Turn on the flank
We went to a friend the other day (let's call him Igor, although in fact he is not only his name) “for nature”. Private house, grass (almost lawn!), Canopy of cherry, brazier, beauty .. Under the guise of "barbie-q" salted pork sausages were consumed and consumed with the appropriate amount of beer and soul-salty male conversations. It is time to go to bed, in fact, I chopped off before everyone else - on a wide two (and sometimes, I suspect, a three-, four-) sleeping bed under the air conditioner ... ... very early morning .. slight hangover .. jarring shades of lilac dawn gently peeks into the room .. wake up looking at the ceiling .. turn my head to the right - a naked man is sleeping next to ... not sleeping .. opens his eyes ... and in a lazy-sly voice says "Come on, turn on the flank .." First thought: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The second thought: And the bacon has already been eaten! The back turned cold and firmly rooted to the ground ... "WHY?" "- LEAVE YOU, C-C-C-C-C-BITCH!" Lightweight ... Yeah, - I say - okay .. But until the morning I still slept on my back ... :) ))
What do not you go?
I am 25, my two bosses (initials VI and RM) for 40 are respected and quite rich people. We arrived at an important meeting in the restaurant Savoy, Irkutsk. We are waiting for partners on the street. A family of drunk bums-khang goes by: father, mother, daughter. The mother has a huge fingal under her eye. She dullly looks at us and slows her eyes on RM. He stops, stares at it for a long time, goes to our side. We carefully look at her and wait for what she asks to say: "I went to x # nd !!!" But she says: "Mikhalych? Mikhalych, and you don't come to visit?" We are with V.I. We already consider R.M. and begin to laugh ... R.M. blushes, looks at us frowningly, sniffs loudly (what a blow to his position :) ). First he answers her: "Yes, there is no time something ..." We are already lying, we are just like horses. R.M. blushes even more, looks at V.I. and sarcastically says so: "But why aren't you saying hello, didn't you know, or what?" I am alone now ryu ...
Men's logic - women's revelations!
Dear gentlemen, comedians! You often make fun of women's logic in your speeches - moreover, raise the question of whether women have any logic at all? And quite rightly. There is no more abstract concept than female logic. Yes, and what could be the logic of those who are engaged in kitchen and laundry, and at work - typing on a computer? Whether business logic male. She, and only she, is the crown of everything, she is invariably present in all areas of our uneasy life, and her perfection never ceases to amaze women: and sometimes not only to surprise, but to fear and perplex in a big way. After all, male logic is the logic of a real economist. A man may die of hunger, but still buy himself a coveted block of cigarettes! And if a man cannot have children and for this reason the doctor forbids him to drink and smoke, the patient will prefer to remain childless all his life, but he will not give up his habits. Cheaper cost. Men can count and do it with great pleasure. My girlfriend, digging on the Internet, came across an ad: << Change my wife of 60 years into two by 30 >>. Of course, another equally talented mathematician answered him: “I would, in your place, change 30 by three for 20” each. They also calculate to the minute the date of conception of your child - of course, with the aim of proving that they have nothing to do with it. Male logic is inseparable from the logic of the team. Without the approval of the "boys" husband of the rank, you can be sure that you will not take a step. My girlfriend had an argument with her boyfriend because he flatly refused to introduce her to his friends. It turns out that in his company all the guys were lonely and deeply despised those who started up novels, because Pasha was afraid that he would be expelled from the party for “treason”. Alla threw in the hearts: “But I’m wondering if you wanted one of their company out of need, would you endure it for half a day until everyone wants it?” “You don’t think I'm a rag,” answered Pavel. “It’s easy to find a girl, and a good friend who understands you is difficult.” My former classmate was going with her husband to fly to America for permanent residence. Guess if she got there or not? That's right: her hubby forgot about the departure of the plane, because he suddenly remembered that today is the year from the day Rogan was launched, and they went with the << comrades >> to the ceremony. When in ten years she is in her naivety! - she left for a day on a business trip and left a three-year-old daughter with him; she was a little embarrassed that his mobile was not responding. My daughter picked up the phone and said - say, dad went fishing. But then in the cell phone of Ira a number with an unknown operator appeared - it turns out that my father did not “go”, but went fishing in Karelia. << What is it? - was puzzled by Step. - Dimon was supposed to fly with Vaska, but Vasek broke his leg - the ticket would not be lost! What are you, do not like fish? Well, it's you in vain! >>. In addition, men's logic - the logic of the keeper. And the woman, as my teacher says, keeps the family hearth, and the man keeps herself from the family hearth. And from everything connected with it. Remember the anecdote: the wife sends the husband for bread, and he answers: “This is not a man’s thing”. His wife says: << Well, then let's do the man's business >>. - << What are you, do not you understand the jokes? Come on bag! >> My godfather asked me to help with the repair. Lena and I moved heavy furniture and deftly climbed up to the ceiling with strips of wallpaper, and Lena's husband was lying in the next room on the couch. When we women realized that the wardrobe could not move us, I called Sergei to help me, they say. Without getting up from the couch, he muttered: “I don’t want it, I don’t need it”. Lena could not stand it: << What do you want? Lying in front of the TV? >> - to which Gray shouted: “Only the bulls are lying in the stairwell”. Accurately noticed. No woman would have thought of this before. So male logic is also the logic of the observer. And also male logic is the logic of a true psychologist. Мужчина всегда по натуре Фрейд, он знает подсознание женщины как свои пять пальцев. К примеру, он угадывает скрытое желание женщины создать семью именно с другой женщиной, а не с существом противоположного пола. Женя пригласила свою подругу Инну в гости. Та, конечно же, поставила в известность любимого мужа, написав SMS такого содержания: <<Я УШЛА В ГОСТИ К ЖЕНЕ>>. Через пару минут пришел ответ встревоженного супруга: <<У ТЕБЯ ЖЕНЕ>>ЧТО, ЕСТЬ ЖЕНА?!! ТЫ ЖЕ ДЕВУШКА!!!>> Логика мужчины-врача - это особый феномен. Логика врача - эта логика удивительно скрупулезная, дотошная и, она, как правило, не проигрывает. Например, если к пожилому врачу придут две пациентки - мать и дочь - с одной и той же болезнью, можете не сомневаться, что старшую больную он попросит только показать язык, а младшую - раздеться полностью. Ежу понятно, почему: пожилой доктор опасается, что за двадцать лет женское тело настолько эволюционировало, что он может неправильно поставить диагноз: А логика работников правоохранительных органов вообще комментариев не требует! Моя соседка по купе умудрилась увезти украденную за бугром скрипку, потому что таможенники не нашли. Однако из этого же купе они все-таки скрипку выудили - из моей сумки. Дело в том, что я купила надувную игрушку - в форме этого музыкального инструмента. Только без смычка. А один из таможенников, осмотрев <<контрабанду>>, выдал гениальную фразу: <<Да вы не то, что спрятать - даже украсть толком не можете! Уж если воровать - то со смычком надо!>> Мужская логика непредсказуема, когда дело касается судьбоносных решений. Два месяца назад я встретила своего знакомого, который тут же похвастался мне: <<А я тут уже года два в гражданском браке живу>>. - <<С кем?>> - <<Да с Анькой>>. Вчера я снова встретила его: <<Да я вот женюсь>>. - <<На Ане! Great! Поздравляю!>> - <<На какой Ане?!>> - изумился Мишаня. <<А на ком же?>> Тут мой знакомый бросил на меня такой уничтожающий взгляд, словно я оскорбила его до глубины души: <<На Ларисе я женюсь!>> - <<А давно ты с ней знаком?>> - <<Да месяца четыре>>. Больше я Мишку не допрашивала: я и так понимала, что нет смысла жениться на девушке, которая все равно ему дает. Другой мой знакомый удрал из загса за три минуты до начала церемонии: он, оказывается, испугался, что его жена через пару десятков лет располнеет и покроется морщинами: Разве женщина может быть столь дальновидной?! Вообще, мужская логика очень противоречива. Ребята-студенты как-то признались: <<Когда девчонка дает, это не прикольно. И когда не дает, это тоже не прикольно>>. - <<Так что же делать?>> - недоумевала аспирантка кафедры психологии. Но ответить преподавательнице мальчишки так и не смогли. Видимо, ответ на этот вопрос пребывает до сих пор в состоянии разработки. Мужская логика - логика настоящего философа. Ну, назовите хотя бы одну известную женщину-философа? Нет, сия отрасль - парафия исключительно мужч ин, потому что женщины не способны довести мысль до конца. Им не позволит молоко, которое нарочно в эту минуту сбежит, или ребенок, который вдруг ни с того ни с сего заплачет. А их мужьям подобное не грозит, и они полностью погружаются в мир неведомых материй. Именно они дают названия вещам. Так, добрачный секс они именуют любовными утехами, а секс в браке - супружеским долгом. Ни разу не родив, они уже знают о том, что лучше один раз родить, чем каждый день бриться. Они тысячу раз докажут, что имеют право быть главными, потому что первая согрешила именно Ева. В такие минуты откровения хочется спросить: <<А где же была ваша мужская логика, когда Ева соблазняла вас?>> Да, мы можем наблюдать плоды этой внезапно ушедшей в отпуск мужской логики, когда огромная очередь стоит у кабинета венеролога. <<Почему вы не пользовались презервативами?>> - спрашивает доктор. <<Как?!>> - возмущается пациент и с жаром начинает доказывать, что сей предмет есть главная преграда на пути к женскому телу, а значит, и к познанию этой самой женщины. М-да, он ее не только познал, но она с ним еще и кое-чем поделилась:

Оставили мы этим летом своего семимесячного пса с дедушкой на даче. Дедулька наш - весьма еще бойкий и в идеальных отношениях с зеленым змием. А сами месяц отдыхали в Крыму. По возвращении домой мы с удивлением отметили некоторую неадекватность пса во всем, что было связано с элементарными командами. Допросили дедулю. Оказалось, что дед общался с ним как с лучшим корешем. Вот приблизительный перечень команд: 1) НЕХ*Й! - фу 2) НАХ*Й! - что-то типа "иди отсюдова!" 3) АНУБЛ*!!! - рядом 4) КОМНЕБЛ*!!! - ко мне Ко всему прочему теперь откликается также на кличку "П*ЗДЮК". Никогда не оставляйте своих питомцев надолго, хотя бы и ближайшим родственникам...
В курилке. Толпа мужиков (все в возрасте за 30) и одна девушка. Мужики, конечно, пошлят - изголяются как могут. Один другому: - Тест хочешь. У тебя с утра одеяло шалашом стоит? - Ну... иногда. - Малаца. Да тебе не 36, тебе 26. Все ржут. Девушка интересуется: - А у тебя то как? Или ты только других тестируешь? Другой перебивает: - Да у него нет никаких шалашей... Он на животе спит. Первый парирует: - Ну, да - и все утро вишу в воздухе. Аж вся спина в побелке. Все (мужики) опять ржут. Девушка молчит, курит. Ее спрашивают: - Что притихла то? - Да вот, о высоте потолков задумалась...
Дежурная поликлиника
Лет 15 назад работали мы (все участники этой истории - семь молодых специалистов и руководитель бригады) в неком оборонном КБ. Много было командировок по небольшим городам СССР, в том числе и в г. Каменск-Шахтинский, где все и случилось. В общем, представьте себе: заводскую гостиничку, жару в 40, такую, что мокрая простыня, накинутая на почти голое тело, высыхала минуты за 3. По коридорам этой гостиницы в выходной день мается восемь человек, кто в плавках, кто в простынях - ходят к друг другу в гости. Один самый хитрый решает испить зеленого чайку и поскольку, как обычно в гостиницах, шнур кипятильника дотягивается от того места, куда его положено воткнуть, только до кровати, ставит на кровать тарелку на нее стакан, опускает кипятильник... Закипело. В нарушение правил техники безопасности (как потом объяснил руководитель), этот хитрый молодой человек, вместо того, чтобы просто взять стакан и насыпать туда заварки, сел на кровать. Весь кипяток выплеснулся ему под место на которое люди одевают плавки. На дикий рев сбежались все бродящие по коридорам. После осмотра места происшествия выяснилось, что без вмешательства советской медицины не обойтись. Руководитель вспомнил, что за квартал от гостиницы видел здание дежурной поликлиники, куда все восемь человек, одев на пострадавшего сатиновые штаны и придерживая их (штаны) сзади руками, чтобы не так больно, и отправились. Двух этажная больничка встретила нас запахом карболки и вежливой бабушкой в регистратуре на первом этаже, которая, поинтересовавшись острая ли боль, и у кого болит, отправила нас выше, сказав, что врач как освободится, больного вызовет. Через 5 минут ожидания из кабинета показалась симпатичная девушка и пригласила пострадавшего зайти. Через несколько секунд из кабинета раздался истошный женский визг. Все ломанулиль посмотреть. Поликлиника оказалась стоматологической, а на вопрос покажите, что болит, пострадавший снял штаны. Девушка-врач видимо вспомнила, что в коридоре еще семь мужиков. Р. S. А задницу все-таки смазали мазью от ожогов полости рта и, кстати, быстро зажило.
Важнейшее событие
История от В. Тихомирова (известный математик, мех-мат МГУ) Дмитрий Евгеньевич Меньшов, пожалуй, самая легендарная фигура среди наших "стариков": историй про него - не счесть. Вот одна, где я выступаю живым свидетелем. Как-то в шестидесятые годы (это было принято тогда) организовали встречу профессоров и преподавателей кафедры теории функций и функционального анализа со студентами - в общежитии. Дмитрия Евгеньевича попросили рассказать о рождении Московской математической школы. Он согласился и начал свой рассказ так: "В 1914 году я поступил в Московский Университет. Николай Николаевич Лузин был тогда за границей. Но он договорился с Дмитрием Федоровичем Егоровым, что они организуют семинарий для студентов. И в 14 году Дмитрий Федорович такой семинарий организовал. Он был посвящен числовым рядам. В следующем году Николай Николаевич вернулся в Москву и начал руководить семинарием сам. В 1915 году мы занимались функциональными рядами, а в 1916 году - ортогональными рядами. А потом наступил тысяча девятьсот семнадцатый год. Это был очень памятный год в нашей жизни, в тот год произошло важнейшее событие, повлиявшее на всю нашу дальнейшую жизнь: мы стали заниматься тригонометрическими рядами ..."
Пьянка по-фински
Живу и работаю с Испании (Mаrbеllа) в одной очень небольшой, но очень интернациональной фирме (на 12 человек - 7 разных стран). Работала у нас какое-то время девушка из Финляндии и рассказала вот что: оказывается, горячие финские парни, когда очень мало водки, но очень хочется напиться, не смешивают ее с пивом, как в России, а пропитав женский гигиенический тампон сорокоградусной жидкостью, вставляют его себе... в задний проход. Ректально, то бишь (наверное, щиплет, но сразу в слизистую и в кровь). На прощание, она подарила своим коллегам по проекту, двум испанским паренькам, ма-а-а-а-ленькую бутылочку финской водки и 2 тампончика О. B. (размером "одна капелька"), попросив выпить за нее при случае...
Горячие пирожки
Сижу сегодня на экзамене. Препод ходит туда-сюда - хрен спишешь, тишина идеальная. Открывается дверь и в аудиторию вваливается бабуля лет семидесяти в измазанном фартуке. Плюхает свою засаленную котомку на переднюю парту и таким зычным голосом орет: - Горячие пирожки картошка капуста горох, не стесняйся подходи! Препод медленно обалдевает. Чуть не плачет: - Бабушка, вы что, это же экзамен в университете, как можно? На что бабуля совершенно спокойно, махнув рукой в сторону препа, выдает: - А что, милок, раз экзамян, они кушать не хотят, что ли, ишь ты! Шаркал бы ты отседова, а не то я те покажу как детей голодом морить, изверг! PS. Бабулю кое-как вытолкали. А экзамен сдали все.
У меня две дочки - Алена (5 лет 9 мес) и Оксана (4 года). С ними в этом году опять ездили на море. Алена обожает бегать по пляжу голенькой, а вот Оксана - не особенно. Пришли с ними на пляж, Аленка быстро скидывает с себя купальник и остается в одной косынке, а Оксана медленно снимает лямки с плеч, опускает купальник до пояса и говорит: - Ну, я не хочу купаться, как маленькая, голой... Пока я думаю, что ей сказать, Аленка ей отвечает: - А ты купайся голой, как большая. На что Оксана отвечает: - Ну, у взрослых пися волосами прикрыта...
Сегодня на редкость актуально
Группа исследователей задавала детям от 4 до 8 лет один и тот же вопрос:
"Что значит любовь?"
Ответы оказались намного более глубокими и обширными, чем кто-либо вообще мог себе представить.
Когда моя бабушка заболела артритом, она больше не могла нагибаться и красить ногти на ногах. И мой дедушка постоянно делал это для нее, даже тогда, когда у него самого руки заболели артритом. Это любовь. Ребекка, 6 лет
Если кто-то любит тебя, он по-особенному произносит твое имя. И ты знаешь, что твое имя находится в безопасности, когда оно в его рту. Билли, 4 года
Любовь - это когда ты идешь куда-то поесть и отдаешь кому-нибудь большую часть своей жареной картошки, не заставляя его давать тебе что-то взамен. Крисси, 6 лет
Любовь - это то, что заставляет тебя улыбаться, когда ты устал. Терри, 4 года
Любовь - это когда моя мама делает кофе папе, и отхлебывает глоток, перед тем, как отдать ему чашку, чтобы убедиться, что он вкусный. Дэнни, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда ты говоришь мальчику, что тебе нравится его рубашка, и он носит ее потом каждый день. Ноэль, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда твой щенок лижет тебе лицо, даже после того как ты оставила его в одиночестве на весь день. Мэри-Энн, 4 года
Когда ты любишь кого-нибудь, твои ресницы все время взлетают и опускаются, вверх-вниз, а из-под них сыплются звездочки. Карен, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда мама видит папу в туалете и не думает, что это противно. Марк, 6 лет
Если ты не любишь, ты ни в коем случае не должен говорить "я люблю тебя". Но если любишь, то должен говорить это постоянно. Люди забывают.Джессика, 8 лет
Ну, и наконец - автор Лео Баскаглиа однажды объяснил смысл этого опроса.
Целью его было найти самого заботливого ребенка.
Так вот, победителем стал четырехлетний малыш, чей старенький cосед недавно потерял жену. Увидев, что мужчина плачет, ребенок зашел к нему во двор, залез к нему на колени и просто сидел там. Когда его мама спросила, что же такого он сказал соседу, мальчик ответил "Ничего. Я просто помог ему плакать".

Ехал после бурной пьянки в такси.
При подъезде к дому проскочила мысль - "что может не заплачу".
Доехали они значит до пункта назначения, друг открывает дверь и начинает бежать, спотыкается об бордюр, падает, рвет новые брюки и раздирает руки.
Поднимается. Забегает в подъезд, цепляется об перила - рвет рубашку.
Вызывает лифт (хорошо, что оный на первом этаже стоял). Доезжает до своего этажа. По ходу достает ключи. Судорожно открывает двери. Забегает в дом.
Закрывается на все замки. Прислушивается через дверь нет ли погони.
И тут вспоминает, что расплатился когда садился в такси.
PS Представьте лицо таксиста.