My Blog: jokes funny jokes

It's a hot September day in 1980, it's stuffy in the audience, it's getting a little pissed off, the construction is going on in the distance and the piles are loudly clogging. Opposite the market, so there are a lot of buzzing flies in the room. We look forward to the first lecture on labor protection. The bell rings, a large, burly old man comes in, obviously not from the professors, it seems: the former chief engineer of the Novosibirsk Instrument-Making Plant named after. Lenin. What are you sitting on, say, take the pen, write: section one, "SCALPING". Then I reproduce his lecture as I can, from memory. The plot is the first. Once upon a time there was a solderer. I burned for 10 years, and so I grew attached to my production tool, that when she was combing in her nose, she also scratched it with a hot soldering iron. You can guess the results yourself. The plot of the second. Why does the design engineer in the design bureau suffer most often? Think of hemorrhoids? But no, from a jaw fracture. Comrades students, hold the Culman with your hands when you press the pedal. The third plot. Not only the culms are dangerous. An example from the same design bureau: an intelligent designer, not to croak out the bald head of a neighbor, gently turned to the window, and smashed his nafig face on the stone window-sill (you see, it was very tight.) The plot is the fourth. Which file can I use when working on a lathe? The correct answer is: no. But if you use it, take care that it is without a handle, because the stab wound heals faster than the injury with a blunt object. Here we have at the factory ... (This was followed by a detailed description, but I omit exemplary details out of pity for readers). And the fifth, the last, the most dramatic. Here you girls, I see hair comb, my hair is loose. Do you know what happens to loose hair? Skalpy-ro-rovanie. Your strike will turn into turning lathe-and in a second it's good if your ears remain. Here we have at the factory in such and such a shop ... (I omit the details) ... In short, I was scared during this lecture, but who knows whether it's from heat, from flies, from an inspirational theme, or from Stolov's squid tentacles With mustard. This peasant did not come to us any more, somebody less acquainted with factory reality was lecturing, but I certainly learned the lessons. I do not pick at the nose with a soldering iron, and sneeze away from the windowsills, which is what I wish for you.
Sausage, a piece of bread
The glorious city of Baku, the summer of 1984, together with my friend we know our native country (already former). In the order of digression: Before that, we already knew Yerevan, which, of course, was not told to anyone in Baku. But they were already accustomed to situations when the concept of "surrender" (in the sense of money) simply did not exist and a glass of kvass from a barrel on the street from a young healthy guy (who forgot - "small", 0.25 liters, - 3 copecks, Big, "0.5 liters, - 6 copecks) costing kopecks that way at 15-20 (if you pay 10, the look in response was very offended and it was felt that to this barrel in the future it is better not to go). But history is not about that. And about the buffet that in the hotel of the Baku airport (the one that is in the middle between two parallel runways). We are two young and healthy, but yesterday's students (finances are not boundless), about all sorts of rastarans there, and do not think (which is such a rastaran-mestaran?) And for breakfast we go to the designated buffet. "Sausage, a piece of bread," - we ask. "RUP". Okay, - where (on Kapkaz) kvass for 15 kopecks, there is a sausage with a piece of bread for a ruble, - what really there. But - a little. The next morning (where our, that is our money, did not disappear): "Two sausages, two pieces of bread" - it's us. "RUE", - the same barman. It became better - and more interesting. The next morning the experiment was formalized between us :) And continued: "THREE Sausages, THREE pieces of bread." - "RUE" (!!!) We had no choice but to retreat. And the fourth morning came. "FOUR Sausages, FOUR piece of bread!" Caucasian justice triumphed: "TWO RUBLES" ...
Lion at the phone
In the political department of the SU ZakVO in 1987-89, worked somebody Aron Abramovich Lev (retired lieutenant colonel). When he picked up the phone, he imagined: "The lion is by the phone." It is said that once his next phrase was: - What kind of zoo ?! This is the political department of the construction administration of the ZakVO! In the same SS ZakVO served as a certain lieutenant colonel Bodnar. He was distinguished by an "enviable" tongue-tied language. Once I heard how he gave instructions for correcting the text (I try to preserve the original sound): - This is to re-print and make sure that it is as it is. Clearly so or not?
Boule and Newf
On the dog platform in the park settled with HP with the bull terrier. Bul is very impudent and loud, all claims to the owner are stopped at the root of loud and abusive vocabulary. Almost all the regulars bypass it, but one day Newfoot appeared on the site. Who does not know - it's a diver, the majority of those who evoke tenderness. The description of the landscape is over. Bul, while running on freedom, sees the violation of its territory by some black slobbery bastard and flies to punish the offender. But at this time Novyf (can of course and accidentally, I hope not) yawns and the boule flies to his mouth. Imagine the picture: A black beast weighing 60 kg bites the head of a rat! Pause .... Presented? Well, no, a mistake. Nyuf merely politely covered his mouth for about 20 seconds, and then spat out the impudent fellow, but either did not calculate it, or specifically pressed his teeth. The bullet flew out of the mouth with a scalp removed. To the credit of the bull, it's worth noting that this is not what stopped him (the fighter). His master stopped his hind legs. That's basically the end of the story. PS Since then, the bula walked only on a leash
What will not happen on New Year's Eve
Student years. The evening of January 1 in the hostel. I, myself "home", came after the New Year celebration to congratulate obshchegovskih classmates (90% of the girl). All the fellow students who were met were crumpled, tired, but satisfied. I run into the room to two inseparable friends Oksana and Lyuba. Congratulations, I embrace, we start to communicate, and then I notice that the relations between them are somehow strained, and I feel that this is not a quarrel, but I do not understand what exactly. On the rights of one of the few men of the group, I begin to find out and untwist girls about the subject: "What happened?". Those rumble and reject, saying "Everything is in order." I press on them further and get the freshest story. Worthy meeting and noting almost a half New Year's hostels, in a "good" condition went to the New Year's disco in the assembly hall of the hostel, pretty danced and delayed, watch for 5-6 am wobbly wandered into his room to sleep. Only they undressed and lay down, starting to leave, a door opens into their dark room from the corridor, two well-swept lads are also peering in, and they exclaim: "So there you are!" And we seek to climb for you - and then they fall into the room and, undressing, fall to their friends on the bed. In the morning, the girls wake up at about 2:00 pm, overwhelmed by the consequences of last night and after-alcohol sensations. Lazily stretched in the beds. The guys are no longer in the room. They vaguely remember when they gathered and left. Oksana gives out the phrase: "It was great yesterday to celebrate the holiday, they danced, but only your friends got a little bit out of the night. Lyuba, lazily stretching, responds: - What are my friends got? It's your friends who got it, not mine! Oksana (already slightly strained): - Yes, not my friends at all, I thought that it was yours ... Lyuba: - And I - that yours ... The girls look at each other and understand what will not happen on New Year's Eve. Here in this state, I found them, like no one is to blame, but everyone was fucked.
Two short stories
Two short stories: 1. We sit in the office. The office programmers smoke almost everything, including myself, so that - the smoke is a yoke. Cigarette butts from time to time, when the ashtrays end, are thrown out the window. I, tired of tobacco smoke, go up to the window, look at the ground and thoughtfully say: - And the bull-calves are under the windows .... A colleague in a quarter of a second: - Nothing of the kind, I'm here! His last name is Bychkov ... 2. We sit in the office. Summer. Hot. The window is closed, because next to the construction of two more buildings and workers are constantly banging something, sawing in general are engaged in a variety of construction garbage. They also adore cutting iron sheets and armature with a Bulgarian - the sound is the same, the head with these sounds quickly takes the form of a cube, in general it is better to die of heat than from such accompaniment. We prikalyvayemsya that they specifically for us such jokes are thrown out. We note that there were no sounds for 20-30 minutes. Lesha creeps up to the window and, with the words: - Well, what, the enemies, will you let me breathe? - opens the sash. The effect of the refrigerator ... Simultaneously with the opening of the window, the Bulgarian starts yelling ...
Mom of a friend of mine went to France to her eldest daughter. To visit. Well, there is Paris, the city of love and all that ... in general, my mother entered the video store. She went there, walked, and went to the hall where the porn was sold, absolutely open and with the corresponding covers. She, an elderly well-deserved woman of Soviet hardening, walked among the stands with cassettes and quietly shizela ... She wandered among the porn minutes forty, until she finally approached the seller and politely said a wonderful phrase: "Madam is looking for something SPECIAL?"
Where is your horse?
The wife of a Ukrainian diplomat is very fond of horses, that is, horse riding, etc. Therefore, in all countries where her husband lives on duty, she is interested in the organizers of diplomatic meetings, where you can find some equestrian club. At that time, the husband was in Bucharest, where he represented not only Ukraine, but also Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan at a diplomatic gathering. The wife mentioned above approaches the organizers of the gathering and asks her usual question: "Where can you find horses here?" The officials look attentively at her, then at the badge on her chest, where it says: "The delegation of Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan" and give out: - Actually, we have a taxi!
We sat in culture
I have a friend, Seryoga (real money lends Smile happy ), He has his wife Vika, respectively. Greetings to both! Relations very VERY original ... But the last joke is just super. Sergei taxis one of the branches of a large trading and manufacturing company. On New Year's, she takes off a whole boarding house to organize a corporate party. They, as they say, burned badly. Now it's a joke: during the whole evening Seryoga took turns dancing with 10 different lonely madam and gave out about one sentence: "Madame, my heart is broken and lies at your feet ... So lift it and heat it! M room, I'll wait ... "Then together with Vika dragged vodka snacks, and began to wait. ALL HAVE COME !!! And Vika cut off the path to retreat, and Serega hospitably poured, sat down, treated ... Cultivated sat ...
Stole numbers
The case this winter ... Mail # 1 (the secretary, writes to everyone): respected employees, please do not worry anyone, nothing terrible happened, just 7 cars parked in front of the building were stolen from the front rooms. The situation is under control, the representatives of the executions are notified and will soon arrive. Mail # 2 (deputy chief, writes to everyone except the secretary): colleagues, all in a bunch, called the police, canceled the call, talked with the secretary, explained to her that it was snowing.
The Curse of the Curse
A guest from the Caucasus arrived. (I myself from there, but at that time I studied in Kiev). However, we speak Russian well enough. Well - an easy accent, that's all. And we walk along the street. Come on. Winter. Or almost spring. Slush. The snow lies. Some "Moskvich" maliciously drives a wheel into a puddle. A friend from the Caucasus is covered in snow. According to the recollections of a friend from the Caucasus: "I have all the Russian words with anger left out ... And in my native language, the people will not understand." Indeed, the phrase he uttered in a righteous-angry impulse is still considered the most original matyuk that I have ever heard. "Yes ...! Fie tibe on XX ## YY!" - screamed DSC on the whole street. A crushing curse.
Tomorrow's exam
One correspondence student reported a unique feuilleton from his student life that occurred a week ago. The session came crashing down, and, in connection with his departure, he wanted to pass on his past debts and exams as soon as possible. It's worthless, he came to the Methodists with gifts, and to the teacher of philosophy, a man of very respectable age, to explain the situation. I must say that people came from Peter understand, they did not want to detain anyone, and they loved gifts, and in the shortest time of the same day my friend received a state mark on passing the exam in a student's record-book and in a statement by the TOMORROW. In the morning, his tranquil sleep was interrupted by the call of a fellow student: "You have problems with philosophy." That sleepily, he retorted: "I have no problems!". "Nevertheless, there is," insisted the caller, "and very big problems." My friend, puzzled by the fact of presented gifts and the presence of marks, which clearly contradicted the fact of problems, woke up finally, full of determination to understand this incomprehensible situation. As he found out later, this morning his entire group, having appeared at the examination on philosophy, was very disappointed to learn that the exam would not take place and was postponed for another half a year because the old teacher had simply left the world this morning Another. One can imagine the surprise of the employees of the higher educational institution, and all the other involved, having found out after the untimely death of the aged philosopher that he passed the exam, dated this mourning day. However, according to the friend everything was all right, the Methodists settled the matter, and he left with a calm soul to the place of his appointment.
Russian chocolate
In the store I saw a price tag: "Russian Chocolate: Nut + Liver". I introduced myself to this delicacy, I think that people have taste preferences, they already thought of this. It turned out all much easier - the sellers did not fit the letter "e", they did not bother to rewrite the price tag and left it as it is.
The case was many years ago with a country called the USSR, in the union republic - the Belarusian SSR. In general, the staff UAZ moved in the direction to the division, but the problem was that the battalion was in the forests (Belarus, who do not know - these are forests and swamps, the paradise of partisans). So, UAZ with people in uniform, secret documents and road map was moving in the forest. The map was generally understandable, but somehow it happened that there should have been a fork in a long time, but it was not there and was not. People did not worry much. They drove, they drove until they left for the village - it was very puzzling, because on the map nothing like this was not envisaged at all. They were like normal Soviet officers, they decided to ask for directions, braked near a certain grandfather, got out of the car and asked: - How to get to the city N? Grandfather was very surprised to see people in uniform, waved his hands on them and said only one sentence: "Already Polish, panowe ... Here the real Soviet officers in uniform and with secret documents had a point and leaped ... By the way, , They nevertheless arrived safely to the point of departure, since the Polish border guards handed them over to us very quickly and silently, ours accepted them just as quickly and silently and let go of the direction with a kick. Ask why they got off so easily? And you imagine: both our and the Poles have missed UAZ with the military on the state border. Lyulya ogrebli would be in full EVERYTHING, and frontier people are also people ...
We had an owl in our dachas. But this is not the trick. She usually eats mice, but her little brain does not understand that mice are tiny creatures and ... In general, there are almost no cats left in cottages.
Infantile men - the trouble of the XXI century.
Infantile men - the trouble of the XXI century? For those who do not know what kind of "wild animals" are so strange, I can tell, I am sure that you have met animals for your life more than once or twice, just maybe you were lucky that you did not become A victim of their selfishness and cunning. Unfortunately, infantile barter is widespread, so you should not think that male children are pampered adolescents or, in any case, male individuals under 25 years of age. Age does not belong here, but the whole problem is in upbringing. For those who have not yet fully understood who I'm talking about, I will give a few illustrative examples. Option No 1. The man is cranky. Such men are selfish and irresponsible, and it is useless to talk about them, at best they will blame you for everything. His typical phrase: "Darling, you've spoiled me like that!" Or "Sweetheart, I'm taking an example from you". One of my friends had such a young man - a 27-year-old banker with a standard dream - to drive a BMW X5. Nothing bad in his dream was not (after all this is an ordinary human desire to have a prestigious wheelbarrow), but the matter took a very interesting turn. One day a loving couple decided to live together, but the bad luck, the young man put all his salary on the car, so the girl had to pay and a rented apartment, and stuff the fridge with food, and buy socks, panties and deodorants at her own expense And of providing oneself, of course. Boyfriend always calmed the girl with the words: "When I have a car, I'll take you home to work every day. Yes, your coworkers simply break with envy! >>. Unfortunately, a happy civil marriage before the purchase of the car and did not live, and with a crash fell apart a year later. I must pay tribute to the patience of my friend, who has been able to hold out so long. The reasons, I'm sure, should not be explained. Who was he? Gigolo? Yes no, gigolo - this is completely different, it was a typical example of an infantile man who wanted an expensive toy and achieved it by any means. Most likely, as a child, he lay around and yelled on the floor of some department store, begging for a car or ice cream from his mother. And every time Mom bought everything to him, just to not see his tears and screams. Option No2. The man is bitchy. Stemming men are very much divorced, they are gossiping, plotting, arranging intrigues, complaining, whining, making claims to you, emotionally reacting to all sorts of trifles. << If I knew that you would be late for half an hour, I would go to the cinema with Misha! >> - your beloved declares to you, and this despite the fact that you threw him five sms, where you warned that you were delaying and one hundred Once apologized now. This type all evening will be offended and build of a victim. In the end, he is so carried away by this occupation that he will inconsiderately accuse you of all his failures. And if you are already married or have been dating for a long time, you often hear from him: "All my life went awry as soon as I met you!", "I was not promoted at work, because I spend the evenings with you , And not as everyone is sitting in the office until the night! >>, << You always impose your opinion on me, I can not even step on my own. You and Mom at the same time! >>. A stumbling man rolls scandals, hysterics, wails, and you think about him "poor thing!", And about yourself "bitch". Option No3. The man is helpless. Another common option - spoiled mama's son, who is used to being "kissed in the ass" and fed from a spoon. 30-year-old husband of my girlfriend still does not know how to turn on the gas stove. He will wait with a hurt look for his wife to come and feed him. Sometimes it seems to me that if she goes on a business trip, he will simply die of hunger. But such, fortunately, will never happen, because when there is no Olechka, his mother, who lives nearby, is running to feed the boy. Girls! This is normal? Or maybe, in a completely neglected form, they also wear diapers on them, or they suddenly describe themselves? Option No4. The man is a narcissist. In the marriage my girlfriend was happy. Every day she was waiting for her beloved husband with a hot dinner (and not with banal half-finished products, heated in a microwave oven), day by day she improved in culinary arts. She also ironed and washed with pleasure, and also did all the other housework. And all because the girl's mother from early childhood told her that all this is a woman's duties, and the main purpose of a woman is to take care of her husband and children. Her husband was raised in exactly the same family where his mother told him that his wife should obey him and do everything for him. But one day the family idyll collapsed - a child appeared in the family. A young mother was torn between her child and her husband, and at that time the pope constantly complained and took offense at his inattention to his own person: "I do not need you anymore. Do not you love me anymore. You give him (the child) much more time >>. This "more" was evident in every phrase, and one day the man simply went to another, to the one who also became his "second mother". Selfishness, narcissism, increased resentment, conviction that "I am the navel of the earth". Common situation? And to recognize such an infanta it is possible in the first days, when instead of << we >> he constantly utters one continuous << I >>.
Super-sex with his wife (his).
Brothers on reason! I appeal to you. That is to the men. Many of you are married. Married a long time and already, apparently, forever. And many have the same problem - sex. Wife does not want to have sex with you as often as you want? She has permanent headaches, lack of sleep, critical days? She is cold in bed, does not show initiative, evades the performance of marital duty? What meanness! Undoubtedly, this is a consequence of her bitchy nature. And what should I do? How to change the situation, turn this "snow queen" into a hot thing, lustful nymph, insatiable libertine? Very simple, I tell you. You just need to use a few simple tricks, which I'll discuss below. A woman is a complex, unknown and unknowable creature. But! It has several unconditioned reflexes, using which it is fairly easy to manipulate. So ... Do not believe the infamous fabrications that are being pinned every now and then in the form of well-designed books called "How to make sex interesting after 25 years of marital fidelity" or "35 ways to regain the passion for family sex." Complete crap, I tell you. Do not follow the advice of the losers who write these books. This, at least, is stupid and wasteful, and sometimes dangerous. For example, the advice to bring his blessed an armful of flowers, take her to a restaurant, and then, putting the apartment on candles to read her poems, just a provocation. In addition to the fact that this event will completely undermine your family budget, it can cause completely inadequate reaction from the surprised spouse, and often a fire. Spit on the back of these theorists, who are hovering in the clouds. Return to the sinful earth. I offer you the simplest, and most importantly, cheap way to persuade your spouse to have unbridled sex. You just need to do a few simple things. All of them fit into the framework of traditional sexual techniques. Namely preparation - a prelude - a culmination. Masterfully executed first two stages reduce the third to a mere formality. So let's focus on them. 1. In the morning (yes, yes, you need to prepare a sleigh in the summer), pay attention to how your wife is dressed. It is not excluded that her coldness in the last three days is due to your indifference to her new costume, which so effectively emphasizes her dignity, and imperceptibly hides the shortcomings. Exclamations "Oh ... Where did this stunned skirt come from?" Not always appropriate, since it is possible that this is not a skirt at all, but a dress bought 3 years ago on a sale. Better neutral "You look so effective in this ... uh ... clothes." If your spouse did not take it as a subtle mockery, then you can safely move on. 2. Go to the wife, and kissing the neck, say: "you have such a nice ass, I can not wait for the evening, I'm excited." I warn you that you should not do this at a time when she has dangerous objects in her hands such as a red hot plate, a full kettle, or a hot iron. From the unexpected, she can commit inadequate actions. Especially, if before she did not hear anything from you except for foul language. 3. At lunch unexpectedly, and as if in between, wash the dishes. It is possible that this will raise suspicions. Be prepared for this. To the question "what did you do?" It is necessary to respond with a charming smile, and to demand "well, breathe!" >> draw in the air. 4. In the evening, come a little earlier, and take out the garbage. Where it is better to find out in advance. As a rule, in the kitchen, under the sink. If there is no garbage, then someone has already taken it out. Do not despair, go to step 5. 5. Prepare dinner. It sounds menacing, I agree, but do not take everything so literally. On the way home, buy a pizza-semi-finished product. Carefully read the instructions. When the wife enters the house and stops as if stuck, casually ask her: "Honey, do you love with a crust?" Be vigilant, a syncope is possible. 6. Usually already at this stage, especially sensitive women reach the first orgasm. The rest, as a rule, are already close to this. Further all is not too difficult. You need to change your favorite socks to clean, and a little sprinkle yourself with cologne. Yes Yes! Squeeze the will into a fist, and sprinkle. Outside. Have to go to this sacrifice. So it is necessary. 7. The most difficult. See with your gracious evening show. Remember that for this you will be rewarded. Endure. Try not to let go of malice, and do not laugh loudly in particularly dramatic places. And no one said that it would be easy! Some people are helped by reading mantras with their eyes closed. I do not know, did not try. But it must be passed: 8. The preparation itself with the prelude is over. The final touch may be the phrase: "do not wear panties today, you do not need them." And if after all this your little wife does not attack you like a hungry lioness, then ... then you are not married! In what there are the doubtless advantages.
Table ordered
A group of comrades led by Vasya come to the club at night, and all the tables are occupied. And on one plate "The table is ordered." Well, they hid the tablet to Vasya in his backpack, so that it would not shine very much, and they themselves sat down at this table. And the plate is serious, on a glass stand ... They hid it and forgot it, then left, and the badge in the bag, do not carry it back! So really did not want to, and spy, then this is willpower! But the joke is not even that. Drunk Vasily after this, take cops and start the shmona. Find a sign and ask "WHAT IS IT ????!" And he told them before that - from the club they say they're eating beer, he drank beer, that's why he's so cheerful. But Vasya, he did not lose his head, he said that this tablet always carries clubs! It happens - you go out into the double, and the table is already occupied, and so you put a sign "A table is ordered," and no one sits down. Cops are imbued. They thought: "We would like such a sign" ... And Vasily probably still told them how to go to the market to the place where such tablets are sold ... In general, the good Vasya did not lose his head and gave it. They said: "Thank you, dude! We wanted to accept you, so you can not remove anything from us, and you really liked our tablet." They thought, they say, you will not give it to us. And you're kind. In short, parted ways. Now they have a tablet in the mentovka on the table, and they always greet Vasily with each other.
Turn to the side
Just now they went to see a friend (let's call him Igor, although in fact he is not only called "that way"). Private house, grass (almost lawn!), Shade of cherry, brazier, beauty .. Under the guise of "barbie-q" were fried shpikachki alive and eaten with a consistent amount of beer and soul-and-salty male conversations. It's time to go to bed, in fact, I was cut off before everyone else - on a wide two (and sometimes, I suspect, a three-, four-) sleeping bed under the air-conditioner ... ... very early in the morning .. a light hangover .. rattling shades of lilac Dawn gently peeps into the room .. wake up looking at the ceiling .. I turn my head to the right - a naked man is sleeping nearby ... does not sleep .. opens his eyes ... and in a lazy, insinuating voice says "Come on, turn on the barrel .." Thought one: A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! Thought the second: A shpikachki something already eaten! The back turned cold and firmly grew to the ground ... "WHY?" "-You LOVE YOU, S-C-S-S-S-BITCH!" It eased ... Aha, - I say - okay .. But until the morning I still slept on the back ... :) ))
Why do not you go in?
I'm 25, my two bosses (the initials VI and RM) for 40 - people are respected and rich enough. We arrived at an important meeting in the restaurant Savoy, Irkutsk. We are waiting for partners on the street. A family of drunken homeless hunters walks past: father, mother, daughter. The mother under her eye flaunts a huge finale. She trails us with her eyes and slows her eyes on RM. He stops, looks at him, goes to our side. We carefully look at it and wait for what it will ask to say: "I went to x # y !!!" But she says: "Mihalych? Mihalych, and you do not go to your guests?" We are with VI. Examine already RM. And we begin to laugh ... Blushes, looks at us from under his brow, loudly snuffles (what a blow to his position :) ). First responds to her: "Yes, once there is something ..." We are already lying, just rattling like horses. R.M. Even more blushing, looking at VI. And sarcastically as follows: "But you do not say hello, did not you know that?" Rzhu already alone I ...
Male logic is female revelation!
Dear sirs, humorists! You often ridicule women's logic in your speeches, and, moreover, raise the question of whether women have logic at all? And quite rightly. There is no more abstract concept than female logic. And what can be the logic of those who are engaged in cooking and washing clothes, and at work - by typing on the computer? Whether the logic is male. She, and only she is the crown of everything, she is invariably present in all areas of our uneasy life, and her perfection never ceases to amaze women: sometimes it is not easy to surprise, but to embarrass and puzzle big. After all, man's logic is the logic of a real economist. A man can die of hunger, but still he will buy himself a coveted block of cigarettes! And if a man can not have children and for this reason the doctor forbids him to drink and smoke, the patient will prefer to remain childless all his life, but he will not give up his habits. Cheaper will do. Men know how to count and do it with great pleasure. My girlfriend, delving into the Internet, came across an ad: << I'm changing my wife 60 years by two to 30 >>. Of course, another no less talented mathematician answered him: "I would change it by three to 20 >> in your place." They also calculate until the minute the date of conception of your child - of course, with the goal of proving that they have nothing to do with it. Male logic is inseparable from the logic of the collective. Without the approval of "boys" the husband of rank, rest assured, and the step will not set foot. My girlfriend quarreled with her boyfriend because he flatly refused to introduce her to his friends. It turns out that in his company all the children were lonely and deeply despised those who started the novels, because Pasha was afraid that he would be banished from the party for "treason". Alla in her heart threw: "But I'm wondering - if you wanted one of their company for want, you would suffer a half-day until everyone wants?" - "Do not think I'm a rag," Pavel replied. "It's easy to find a girl, but a good friend who understands you is difficult." My former classmate was going to fly with her husband to America for permanent residence. Guess if she got there or not? Correctly: her hubby forgot about the departure of the plane, because he suddenly remembered that today is the year from the date of release of the beer << Rogan >>, and they with << battle comrades >> went to the ceremony. When in ten years she is naive! - I left for a day on a business trip and left him a three-year-old daughter, she was a little embarrassed by the fact that his mobile did not answer. My daughter picked up the phone and said - say, Dad went fishing. But then in the mobile phone of Ira I got a number with an unknown operator - it turns out that Papa did not go, but flew to Karelia for fishing. << And what is it? Stepa was perplexed. - Dimon was supposed to fly with Vaska, but Vasek broke his leg - do not lose the same ticket! Do not you like fish? Well, it's you in vain! >>. In addition, male logic is the logic of the guardian. And the woman, in the words of my teacher, keeps a family hearth, and the man keeps himself from the family hearth. And from everything that is connected with it. Remember the anecdote: the wife sends her husband for bread, and he replies: "This is not a man's business." His wife says: "Well, then let's do men's business." - << Do not you understand jokes? Give me a bag! >> My kuma asked me to help with the repair. Lena and I moved heavy furniture and cleverly climbed to the ceiling with stripes of wallpaper, and Lena's husband was lying in the next room on the couch. When we, women, realized that we can not move the closet from the place, I called Sergey - say, help. He did not get up from the couch, murmured: "I do not want, I do not need it." Lena could not resist: "What do you want?" To lie in front of the TV? >> - to which Gray shouted: << Only the bulls in the entrance are littered >>. Exactly noticed. No woman before would have thought of it. So, male logic is also the logic of the observer. And the male logic is the logic of a true psychologist. A man is always by nature Freud, he knows the subconscious of a woman like his five fingers. К примеру, он угадывает скрытое желание женщины создать семью именно с другой женщиной, а не с существом противоположного пола. Женя пригласила свою подругу Инну в гости. Та, конечно же, поставила в известность любимого мужа, написав SMS такого содержания: <<Я УШЛА В ГОСТИ К ЖЕНЕ>>. Через пару минут пришел ответ встревоженного супруга: <<У ТЕБЯ ЖЕНЕ>>ЧТО, ЕСТЬ ЖЕНА?!! ТЫ ЖЕ ДЕВУШКА!!!>>Логика мужчины-врача - это особый феномен. Логика врача - эта логика удивительно скрупулезная, дотошная и, она, как правило, не проигрывает. Например, если к пожилому врачу придут две пациентки - мать и дочь - с одной и той же болезнью, можете не сомневаться, что старшую больную он попросит только показать язык, а младшую - раздеться полностью. Ежу понятно, почему: пожилой доктор опасается, что за двадцать лет женское тело настолько эволюционировало, что он может неправильно поставить диагноз: А логика работников правоохранительных органов вообще комментариев не требует! Моя соседка по купе умудрилась увезти украденную за бугром скрипку, потому что таможенники не нашли. Однако из этого же купе они все-таки скрипку выудили - из моей сумки. Дело в том, что я купила надувную игрушку - в форме этого музыкального инструмента. Только без смычка. А один из таможенников, осмотрев <<контрабанду>>, выдал гениальную фразу: <<Да вы не то, что спрятать - даже украсть толком не можете! Уж если воровать - то со смычком надо!>> Мужская логика непредсказуема, когда дело касается судьбоносных решений. Два месяца назад я встретила своего знакомого, который тут же похвастался мне: <<А я тут уже года два в гражданском браке живу>>. - <<С кем?>> - <<Да с Анькой>>. Вчера я снова встретила его: <<Да я вот женюсь>>. - <<На Ане! Class! Поздравляю!>> - <<На какой Ане?!>> - изумился Мишаня. <<А на ком же?>> Тут мой знакомый бросил на меня такой уничтожающий взгляд, словно я оскорбила его до глубины души: <<На Ларисе я женюсь!>> - <<А давно ты с ней знаком?>> - <<Да месяца четыре>>. Больше я Мишку не допрашивала: я и так понимала, что нет смысла жениться на девушке, которая все равно ему дает. Другой мой знакомый удрал из загса за три минуты до начала церемонии: он, оказывается, испугался, что его жена через пару десятков лет располнеет и покроется морщинами: Разве женщина может быть столь дальновидной?! Вообще, мужская логика очень противоречива. Ребята-студенты как-то признались: <<Когда девчонка дает, это не прикольно. И когда не дает, это тоже не прикольно>>. - <<Так что же делать?>> - недоумевала аспирантка кафедры психологии. Но ответить преподавательнице мальчишки так и не смогли. Видимо, ответ на этот вопрос пребывает до сих пор в состоянии разработки. Мужская логика - логика настоящего философа. Ну, назовите хотя бы одну известную женщину-философа? Нет, сия отрасль - парафия исключительно мужч ин, потому что женщины не способны довести мысль до конца. Им не позволит молоко, которое нарочно в эту минуту сбежит, или ребенок, который вдруг ни с того ни с сего заплачет. А их мужьям подобное не грозит, и они полностью погружаются в мир неведомых материй. Именно они дают названия вещам. Так, добрачный секс они именуют любовными утехами, а секс в браке - супружеским долгом. Ни разу не родив, они уже знают о том, что лучше один раз родить, чем каждый день бриться. Они тысячу раз докажут, что имеют право быть главными, потому что первая согрешила именно Ева. В такие минуты откровения хочется спросить: <<А где же была ваша мужская логика, когда Ева соблазняла вас?>> Да, мы можем наблюдать плоды этой внезапно ушедшей в отпуск мужской логики, когда огромная очередь стоит у кабинета венеролога. <<Почему вы не пользовались презервативами?>> - спрашивает доктор. <<Как?!>> - возмущается пациент и с жаром начинает доказывать, что сей предмет есть главная преграда на пути к женскому телу, а значит, и к познанию этой самой женщины. М-да, он ее не только познал, но она с ним еще и кое-чем поделилась:

Оставили мы этим летом своего семимесячного пса с дедушкой на даче. Дедулька наш - весьма еще бойкий и в идеальных отношениях с зеленым змием. А сами месяц отдыхали в Крыму. По возвращении домой мы с удивлением отметили некоторую неадекватность пса во всем, что было связано с элементарными командами. Допросили дедулю. Оказалось, что дед общался с ним как с лучшим корешем. Вот приблизительный перечень команд: 1) НЕХ*Й! - фу 2) НАХ*Й! - что-то типа "иди отсюдова!" 3) АНУБЛ*!!! - рядом 4) КОМНЕБЛ*!!! - ко мне Ко всему прочему теперь откликается также на кличку "П*ЗДЮК". Никогда не оставляйте своих питомцев надолго, хотя бы и ближайшим родственникам...
В курилке. Толпа мужиков (все в возрасте за 30) и одна девушка. Мужики, конечно, пошлят - изголяются как могут. Один другому: - Тест хочешь. У тебя с утра одеяло шалашом стоит? - Ну... иногда. - Малаца. Да тебе не 36, тебе 26. Все ржут. Девушка интересуется: - А у тебя то как? Или ты только других тестируешь? Другой перебивает: - Да у него нет никаких шалашей... Он на животе спит. Первый парирует: - Ну, да - и все утро вишу в воздухе. Аж вся спина в побелке. Все (мужики) опять ржут. Девушка молчит, курит. Ее спрашивают: - Что притихла то? - Да вот, о высоте потолков задумалась...
Дежурная поликлиника
Лет 15 назад работали мы (все участники этой истории - семь молодых специалистов и руководитель бригады) в неком оборонном КБ. Много было командировок по небольшим городам СССР, в том числе и в г. Каменск-Шахтинский, где все и случилось. В общем, представьте себе: заводскую гостиничку, жару в 40, такую, что мокрая простыня, накинутая на почти голое тело, высыхала минуты за 3. По коридорам этой гостиницы в выходной день мается восемь человек, кто в плавках, кто в простынях - ходят к друг другу в гости. Один самый хитрый решает испить зеленого чайку и поскольку, как обычно в гостиницах, шнур кипятильника дотягивается от того места, куда его положено воткнуть, только до кровати, ставит на кровать тарелку на нее стакан, опускает кипятильник... Закипело. В нарушение правил техники безопасности (как потом объяснил руководитель), этот хитрый молодой человек, вместо того, чтобы просто взять стакан и насыпать туда заварки, сел на кровать. Весь кипяток выплеснулся ему под место на которое люди одевают плавки. На дикий рев сбежались все бродящие по коридорам. После осмотра места происшествия выяснилось, что без вмешательства советской медицины не обойтись. Руководитель вспомнил, что за квартал от гостиницы видел здание дежурной поликлиники, куда все восемь человек, одев на пострадавшего сатиновые штаны и придерживая их (штаны) сзади руками, чтобы не так больно, и отправились. Двух этажная больничка встретила нас запахом карболки и вежливой бабушкой в регистратуре на первом этаже, которая, поинтересовавшись острая ли боль, и у кого болит, отправила нас выше, сказав, что врач как освободится, больного вызовет. Через 5 минут ожидания из кабинета показалась симпатичная девушка и пригласила пострадавшего зайти. Через несколько секунд из кабинета раздался истошный женский визг. Все ломанулиль посмотреть. Поликлиника оказалась стоматологической, а на вопрос покажите, что болит, пострадавший снял штаны. Девушка-врач видимо вспомнила, что в коридоре еще семь мужиков. Р. S. А задницу все-таки смазали мазью от ожогов полости рта и, кстати, быстро зажило.
Важнейшее событие
История от В. Тихомирова (известный математик, мех-мат МГУ) Дмитрий Евгеньевич Меньшов, пожалуй, самая легендарная фигура среди наших "стариков": историй про него - не счесть. Вот одна, где я выступаю живым свидетелем. Как-то в шестидесятые годы (это было принято тогда) организовали встречу профессоров и преподавателей кафедры теории функций и функционального анализа со студентами - в общежитии. Дмитрия Евгеньевича попросили рассказать о рождении Московской математической школы. Он согласился и начал свой рассказ так: "В 1914 году я поступил в Московский Университет. Николай Николаевич Лузин был тогда за границей. Но он договорился с Дмитрием Федоровичем Егоровым, что они организуют семинарий для студентов. И в 14 году Дмитрий Федорович такой семинарий организовал. Он был посвящен числовым рядам. В следующем году Николай Николаевич вернулся в Москву и начал руководить семинарием сам. В 1915 году мы занимались функциональными рядами, а в 1916 году - ортогональными рядами. А потом наступил тысяча девятьсот семнадцатый год. Это был очень памятный год в нашей жизни, в тот год произошло важнейшее событие, повлиявшее на всю нашу дальнейшую жизнь: мы стали заниматься тригонометрическими рядами ..."
Пьянка по-фински
Живу и работаю с Испании (Mаrbеllа) в одной очень небольшой, но очень интернациональной фирме (на 12 человек - 7 разных стран). Работала у нас какое-то время девушка из Финляндии и рассказала вот что: оказывается, горячие финские парни, когда очень мало водки, но очень хочется напиться, не смешивают ее с пивом, как в России, а пропитав женский гигиенический тампон сорокоградусной жидкостью, вставляют его себе... в задний проход. Ректально, то бишь (наверное, щиплет, но сразу в слизистую и в кровь). На прощание, она подарила своим коллегам по проекту, двум испанским паренькам, ма-а-а-а-ленькую бутылочку финской водки и 2 тампончика О. B. (размером "одна капелька"), попросив выпить за нее при случае...
Горячие пирожки
Сижу сегодня на экзамене. Препод ходит туда-сюда - хрен спишешь, тишина идеальная. Открывается дверь и в аудиторию вваливается бабуля лет семидесяти в измазанном фартуке. Плюхает свою засаленную котомку на переднюю парту и таким зычным голосом орет: - Горячие пирожки картошка капуста горох, не стесняйся подходи! Препод медленно обалдевает. Чуть не плачет: - Бабушка, вы что, это же экзамен в университете, как можно? На что бабуля совершенно спокойно, махнув рукой в сторону препа, выдает: - А что, милок, раз экзамян, они кушать не хотят, что ли, ишь ты! Шаркал бы ты отседова, а не то я те покажу как детей голодом морить, изверг! РS. Бабулю кое-как вытолкали. А экзамен сдали все.
У меня две дочки - Алена (5 лет 9 мес) и Оксана (4 года). С ними в этом году опять ездили на море. Алена обожает бегать по пляжу голенькой, а вот Оксана - не особенно. Пришли с ними на пляж, Аленка быстро скидывает с себя купальник и остается в одной косынке, а Оксана медленно снимает лямки с плеч, опускает купальник до пояса и говорит: - Ну, я не хочу купаться, как маленькая, голой... Пока я думаю, что ей сказать, Аленка ей отвечает: - А ты купайся голой, как большая. На что Оксана отвечает: - Ну, у взрослых пися волосами прикрыта...
Сегодня на редкость актуально
Группа исследователей задавала детям от 4 до 8 лет один и тот же вопрос:
"Что значит любовь?"
Ответы оказались намного более глубокими и обширными, чем кто-либо вообще мог себе представить.
Когда моя бабушка заболела артритом, она больше не могла нагибаться и красить ногти на ногах. И мой дедушка постоянно делал это для нее, даже тогда, когда у него самого руки заболели артритом. Это любовь. Ребекка, 6 лет
Если кто-то любит тебя, он по-особенному произносит твое имя. И ты знаешь, что твое имя находится в безопасности, когда оно в его рту. Билли, 4 года
Любовь - это когда ты идешь куда-то поесть и отдаешь кому-нибудь большую часть своей жареной картошки, не заставляя его давать тебе что-то взамен. Крисси, 6 лет
Любовь - это то, что заставляет тебя улыбаться, когда ты устал. Терри, 4 года
Любовь - это когда моя мама делает кофе папе, и отхлебывает глоток, перед тем, как отдать ему чашку, чтобы убедиться, что он вкусный. Дэнни, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда ты говоришь мальчику, что тебе нравится его рубашка, и он носит ее потом каждый день. Ноэль, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда твой щенок лижет тебе лицо, даже после того как ты оставила его в одиночестве на весь день. Мэри-Энн, 4 года
Когда ты любишь кого-нибудь, твои ресницы все время взлетают и опускаются, вверх-вниз, а из-под них сыплются звездочки. Карен, 7 лет
Любовь - это когда мама видит папу в туалете и не думает, что это противно. Марк, 6 лет
Если ты не любишь, ты ни в коем случае не должен говорить "я люблю тебя". Но если любишь, то должен говорить это постоянно. Люди забывают.Джессика, 8 лет
Ну, и наконец - автор Лео Баскаглиа однажды объяснил смысл этого опроса.
Целью его было найти самого заботливого ребенка.
Так вот, победителем стал четырехлетний малыш, чей старенький cосед недавно потерял жену. Увидев, что мужчина плачет, ребенок зашел к нему во двор, залез к нему на колени и просто сидел там. Когда его мама спросила, что же такого он сказал соседу, мальчик ответил "Ничего. Я просто помог ему плакать".

Ехал после бурной пьянки в такси.
При подъезде к дому проскочила мысль - "что может не заплачу".
Доехали они значит до пункта назначения, друг открывает дверь и начинает бежать, спотыкается об бордюр, падает, рвет новые брюки и раздирает руки.
Поднимается. Забегает в подъезд, цепляется об перила - рвет рубашку.
Вызывает лифт (хорошо, что оный на первом этаже стоял). Доезжает до своего этажа. По ходу достает ключи. Судорожно открывает двери. Забегает в дом.
Закрывается на все замки. Прислушивается через дверь нет ли погони.
И тут вспоминает, что расплатился когда садился в такси.
PS Представьте лицо таксиста.