My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

What is the greatest success of the socialist camp?
"He was alone, now there are two of them!"
- What is the relationship between the USSR and the United States?
- Peaceful coexistence of states with different socio-political systems.
- And what is the relationship of the USSR with China?
- Hostile coexistence of states with the same socio-political systems.
- Is China a member of the socialist bloc?
- Yes. Corresponding member.
- Mom, is it true that people from the monkey have occurred?
- True.
"That's why I look at monkeys so little."
"At last I've taught my husband to bite his nails!"
- How did you do it?
- Threw out his false jaw!
A guy comes to the store. He asks: - Do you have any panties?
The saleswoman: - No.
Man: - And on sale?
- What is the ratio between the dollar, the ruble and the pound?
- One dollar is equal to a pound of rubles.
- What is the difference between Russian and French sex?
- French sex without underwear, and Russian - without bed.
- What is the difference between a bitch and a whore?
- The whore sleeps with everyone, and the bitch - with everyone but me.
Lenin calls Dzerzhinsky:
- Felix Edmundovich! Obvious hops of counter-revolution! Tomorrow Saturday, and I have an inflatable baguette!
At the exhibition hangs the picture "Lenin in Poland." In the picture there is a hut, from which two pairs of bare legs stick out - male and female.
"This is a tent in a spill," explains the guide. - The feet belong to Dzerzhinsky and Krupskaya ...
Here you are not here - here you quickly become unaccustomed to drinking vodka and disgrace to break.
At the command "END" comes the dark time of the day.
The sentinel machine is sent forward to the distance of the visual memory.
Signal to attack - three green whistles.
Dig trench from me and before dinner.
Tanks come in small groups of two or three people.
Our occupation of a penny is not worth it.
Here, as in the war - they killed the commander, took the machine of another.
Live like pigs in a den.
Sergeant! Your orderly does not have a haircut, hangs on your ears.
Assembled elephants anasha to smoke. And the paws are rugged, you can not hide the stitches. Inside the elephants see, the hedgehog is coming. They have to it:
- So they say so. Help us kosyachki skrutit.
A hedgehog, a good soul, eats, but agrees. Elephants were pleased, and went about their business. They return, there is no anasha, and the hedgehog crocked lies.
Elephants:
"Where's the anasha?"
A hedgehog is so languid:
- Do not run into me big gray clouds.
I remembered here:
- Hello!
- Hello!
- Zdpavstvuyte!
- Zdpavstvuyte!
- How are you?
- Well!!!
- Oh, I guess I got wrong number ... *;)
Strepby the Navy. Volley. The long-range ruler cries:
- 200 meters shortage!
Captain:
- Small forward! Swim up to 200 meters!
It is better to sit in a small stuffy pub than to work at a big bright factory.
From an explanatory note: "He called me what my dad did me, only a feminine kind ...".
A woman like a sardine - without a head all is good.
Anyone who still considers women a weak sex - let him see how they close the door in the minibus.
If the server is called rono.net - it does not mean that there is no porn on it.
If you knocked the door off easily and simply, then you're stupid and fat, and not strong and steep!
Previously ... to see the ass ... it was necessary to push back the cowards .... And now?
To see the panties - you need to push the ass ....
I can not remain silent when people do not listen to me!
"It's fun to walk together ..." - an unofficial hymn for workers in public toilets.
Sometimes you need to know exactly what kind of person is on the other side of the condom.
Sponsor of fights without rules - juices and nectars "GOOD".
Now mothers scare their children like this: "If you behave badly, I'll give you Michael Jackson!".
Two historians argue:
"I think, colleague, that the Trojan horse was really a mare!"
-?!?!?!
- Well, they did not climb through the ass ...
- I want to go to my native places, to continue the work of papa!
"So, will you drink?"
Little Red Riding Hood comes out with a strangled Wolf in his hands:
- Here, was walking through the woods - and he attacked, had to figure it out!
"But how did you do it, Little Red Riding Hood?"
"How red?" (Clutching at the hat) - Bitten after all!
- Most of all at the Olympics was lucky for our swimmers: all the guys were flying home near the window!
"Morning meets the dawn ..."
"And we're pickle ..."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian came to the restaurant. They all served tea. English anin stirs sugar with a spoon.
"Tink!" - accidentally struck against the wall of the glass.
- Excuse me! The Englishman hastened to say.
"Tink!" - hit the spoon from the Frenchman.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Russian:
- A thousand apologies!!! - Tink, tink, tink ...
- Mom, tell me - my grandfather was a proctologist?
"Your grandfather was a famous proctologist!"
- And dad is also a proctologist?
"Your dad is a great proctologist!"
- And I, when I grow up? ...
"And you, I'm sure, will be an excellent proctologist!"
- But I want to become an auto mechanic!
- Here's another! Do you want to poke all your life in shit ?!
- Nadezhda Yakovlevna! I once again earnestly request that you do not allow your children to play under my windows!
- Come on, Svetlana Ivanovna. You will think - three pensioners in a domino will knock!
Guys - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
At the most crucial moment, they think more about how their tits look ...
"Zhora, bring your mother a cigarette."
- Mom, I'm still sho you, loader - carry cigarettes?
- Tripper Deribasovskaya carry - it's you loader!
On the market I heard from a representative of southern nationality:
"I have eight classes of education and lived with a teacher for two more years ...".
Make love to the guy with the girl. The guy makes cunnilingus, rises and voluptuously whispers in her ear:
"You are my dessert ..."
The girl with the expression of Iron Felix on his face chops off:
- What kind of tenderness?
Guy:
- Sorry, bitch ...
"In memory of that meeting, I keep this unopened parachute."
- Hmmm! And with whom did you meet?
- No one, but with what ... With a haystack!
"My water was turned off at the dacha!"
- How!? You have a well!
- Well yes! Last year, the moles did not pay rent!
Be with a strong heart, with a weak affection.
What? From all alone trouble?
Then throw over the ends, should work fine ...
The inscription on the stall:
"Biological break 15 minutes".
- Vasya, and we argue for a hundred that you will not guess why I came to you.
"I know why you came ... You owe money for debt."
- And here not! So come on - drive a hundred ...
Sperm are sold. Self-priming!
Pupil of the kindergarten:
- When will stop to arrange these matinees? And so in the morning shitty!
Vzmylennye parents run up to the thirteen-year-old daughter:
"Oh, you crappy little girl!" My dad and I have already barred all the bars and discos! And she is at the entrance! In the sandbox is playing! ...
Father and son are watching a striptease. The lady was left alone with black gloves to the elbows.
A son:
- And that she does not take them off ?!
"Well, the woman must have at least some kind of secret ..."
- Aunt, what a beautiful dress you have! What are the tomatoes painted on it, cucumbers!
"Go away, boy!" Do not see - fuck me!
"Why do we need snow?"
- For dandruff to be on your head!
By the way, there is still a cocktail "Bloody Misha".
Composition: the same Masha, only with eggs ...
When interviewing women: "Would they have had sex if they had not had an orgasm?
"- the following answers were received:
20% - yes;
20% - no;
60% - and what is an orgasm?
Two friends discuss women:
- This Tatiana is so good in bed, I have not had anyone better!
- And who is in second place?
- Svetka.
- And the third?
- Well, who, wife, of course.
"Is she good in bed too?"
- Well ... Well, it's awkward to leave a wife without a prize.
France, XIX-th century.
"Ah, Pierre, you have no idea what kind of treasure you are taking," the woman says to her future son-in-law. - In the evenings it does not come out, it is more virgin than an angel, God forgive me, books and prayers are the only entertainment. And her room is more modest than a monastic cell, let's go look.
They enter the room and see: a table, a chair, a bed and nothing else.
The only exotic is a cage with a parrot.
The parrot, having seen the guests, immediately got excited and shouted:
-... Tr-rrr-ahay it's quiet! Maman does not sleep !!! ...
Pierre in shock, my mother faints, and the parrot:
-... In жж-о-оопу, a goat !!!! I still have to marry! ...
As you know, people perceive incoming information in different ways ...
In general, there are three types of people: audials, visuals and kinesthetics.
Audials are those who perceive information by ear, visuals perceive by eyes, and kinesthetics by skin and body.
So, kinestetikov just dofiga. Too many people are not yet in the fir-tree - they do not understand the foul ...
Three French businessmen aged 50, 60 and 80 years decided to relax in a restaurant.
- Let's just not talk about business, we need to get distracted.
Let's talk about women.
Male 50 years old:
- The most beautiful place for a woman is her legs. When I look at them, it makes me aesthetic pleasure. Man of 60 years:
- And for me - it's breasts. When I look at them, I just mleju. A man of 80 years interrupts them and creaks in his senile voice:
- Gentlemen, gentlemen! You're not talking about that. There is a woman still something ... I do not remember, but the charmman, gentlemen, the charman!
A peasant came from a business trip and brings an accountant on a business trip to the accountant, and there on the first line "1. Hat - 10.000 Krb.", And then everything is as it should ...
His accountant asks: "What a hat." And he: "Yes, I bought it on a business trip." The bookkeeper says to him: "The report does not go - rewrite" The peasant went and copied, now the "hat" became in the middle of the list.
The accountant again did not accept, demanded to rewrite. The third time brings, the bookkeeper reads, but there is no hat on the list: "And where is the hat" And the man answers: "And there she is, only you'll find her fuck."
So, it was in the circus. Turns the entertainer into the arena and says:
- Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will drink a bucket of water!
The boy runs out and drinks a bucket of water. After a while, the entertainer comes out again and says:
- Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will drink a bucket of water again! In the arena runs out the boy drinks a bucket of water and runs away. After a while, the entertainer enters the arena and says:
- Now the boy with a phenomenal memory will obsoyt all sitting in the front row.
I warn you, it's useless to run, he has a phenomenal memory!
How can you trust the inner voice if he always whispers oversleeping the work?
With an easy movement of the hand, the dance floor turns into a ring ...
Do not ever lie! We must always try to tell the truth and only deceive it.
It is better to sit in a small stuffy pub than to work at a big bright factory.
Do you want Siberian health? Then come to us to Siberia. At the mines!
In order to have a woman boss, there is only one advantage: you can have it ...
The word << airplane >> comes from the Greek << aair >> - air and the Uzbek << plan >> - to fly.
It's strange, why in the public toilet there is a smell of an entrance ...
You'll meet one in the woods - count, your pants are gone ...
Bablo is melting in front of his eyes, but it's worth turning away-that's how it disappears!
Razor Niva: one day - and you're a widow.
- Alice, after visiting the Looking-Glass, decided not to stop there. And went to Zatumbo, Zadiivane, Feast, Drink and Marry.
- A new action from the President of Ukraine Leonid Kuchma: think up a ridiculous reason for him to stay for another term - and you will get a player, markers and a good friend as a gift!
- New time - new signs. If a tough businessman put a jeep in front of a casino, and then left the casino and went on a trolley bus - that means he put it in the wrong place.
- So! Everything, we start to shoot. Do you know your role? MOTOR!
- I played 20 years of bunnies - do you think I will not play the motor?
- I had such a case in the village ...
- In short!
- My daughter is 3 years old.
"Hey, do as I say!" Turn right!
- Do not listen to him! Leave it to the left!
- No, to the right!
"Take it to the left!" You fool listen to me!
Voice of the announcer: "You heard the radio show" Two Captains ".
The sounds of a merry feast - the ringing of forks, wine glasses, bottles, gurgling, champing, music.
"Vasya, where's yours?"
- I went to rest, it will not be a week!
Voice of the announcer: "You have listened to the radio play" One-house-2 ".
The inscription on the tombstone:
Petrov Oleg Pavlovich 1970-1990
Petrova Olga Pavlovna 1990-2002
This man lived 2 short, but very busy lives!
- Guys! Right here and now tell me: homosexuality is normal !?
- Well, yes, in principle it's normal ...
- Hello? Mama? Yes, yes - I'm fine!
Yesterday, the famous illusionist David Copperfield walked through the Kremlin wall. In the wall he was met: Comrade Gromyko, Comrade Suslov and other official persons.
"Man, are you bored?"
- Not by that much...
"Honey, let's have sex!"
- Damn, why do you always think about sex ?!
- Because football is not soon!
"And our guests are stupid and inexplicable."
- Hello - tell me, why are you stupid?
- Um, I can not explain ...
"Is it a radio?" My mother-in-law Lyubov Sergeevna has an anniversary today.
- What for her to convey?
- Nothing! She herself will soon sing for me !!
- Ivan the Terrible! You're a fool!!
- What are you - I'm on the stake planted?
- Oh, I'm sticking out ...
Country house. Scream from the attic:
- Mom, and boys can have boys from children?
- Of course not...
- So, boys - we continue!
Volka grew up. And it was necessary for Starik-Khotabych to look for himself a young boy.
"God, you have shadows under your eyes!" Again I drank all night?
- Yes! Oh, fucking me ... I'll wait until dinner-and there I'll get drunk, or something ...
The voice of the announcer: "You heard the radio show" The shadows disappear at noon. "
"Caesar-they say you know how to do several things at the same time?" The mistress once asked her mistress.
"Of course," he smiled condescendingly. - Right now, for example, I love you and at the same time I am betraying my wife.
"... You left, you went to Piederburg, and came to Pidrograd ...".
- Girl, can I use your copier?
- And what should I copy?
- DNA ...
And remember, Cinderella - exactly at 12 o'clock the magic will end.
And then you will break into havka ...
From the recommendation:
... in group sex for someone else's back is not hiding.
- And why are your parties so cheerful, but nobody goes to mine?
- Dosya, the main thing - a good powder!
We bought two liquor bottles and figured out where to drink.
One says:
"Let's go to the children's playground, it's culturally, the benches stand!"
Another objected to him:
- Yes, you Th - there are children!
- What - will they laugh out loud and brazenly tease?
(With vexation):
- No, they will cry quietly and plaintively ask ...
The man in the pharmacy:
- Give me a pack of ammonia ...
- We can not sell it to you: it is a very strong sedative, it is sold only on prescription.
- Well, okay ... Give then a box of potassium permanganate - I will blow up these Martians to the ebony ...
"Will you drink?"
- No!
"What if I run away?"
"Nataha!" Cow! Come here! Move the rolls!
"Escuzumua, gentlemen, your papa's name!"
"Why are you crying, baby?"
"My dog ​​ran away!"
- And where do you live?
"It's only my dog ​​knows!"
- Dear - more, more!
-... already ...
I'm not a prostitute, it's like!
Why then do I fuck something ?!
The prisoner escapes from prison, where he spent the last 15 years. He runs along the road and suddenly notices the house on the outskirts. He bursts into it and finds a young married couple in the bedroom. She grabs her husband, tie him to a chair, binds her to the bed, climbs on her, kisses her on the neck and goes to the bathroom.
While he is not there, the husband says to his wife:
"Look, this shot - a runaway criminal, he probably spent a lot of time in jail. And, probably, for years I have not seen a woman. I saw him kiss you on the neck. If he wants sex - do not resist, just do what he tells you, give him pleasure. This dude is dangerous if he gets angry - he can kill us ... Be strong, darling. I love you!
My wife says:
- He did not kiss my neck ... He whispered in my ear that over the years in prison he liked boys more and that you are very sexy. And he asked me where we keep Vaseline. And I said that in the bathroom ... So be strong, dear. I love you!
We shot down our pilot over Vietnam. They began to question:
What are the technical specifications of the MiG-17? He did not say anything. Then they exchanged for a shot down American. They bring him to his native military school as a hero. Well its cadets and ask, how there in a captivity. "Yes, everything is nothing, just teach, men, match-up - there they ask."
The Soviet instructor teaches the Syrians a new Soviet tank.
- Here is the first rear gear, the second rear, the third rear, the first front ...
The Syrian interrupts:
- And what for the front?
"You fool!" And suddenly the Jews come from the rear!
The paratroopers are flying in the plane, an officer comes to them and says:
"Guys, we're all flying to Afghanistan to fight."
The guys looked so grim ... But the officer still had them:
- But for the head of every killed dushman we will pay a premium - $ 1000 !!!
The plane goes into the landing, the paratroopers in all directions. The officer alone, opening his mouth, stands by the airplane. After 30 minutes the paratroopers return, they drag the bundles of heads. The officer faints:
- Guys, we sat in Tashkent for refueling ...
Lenochka! How do yachts fly?
- Ducks? Ducks fly in jambs!
- Shoals? Shoals are five!
VASENKA! How do cars drive?
- Cars ? Machines drive on wheels!
- On the wheels? On the wheels - it's five!
Vovochka! How are the cows grazing?
- Cows? The cows graze on the grass!
"On the grass?" On the grass - it's five!
What is your last name ?
- Kossyachkov!
- Spitfire? Kosyachkov is five!
Five, Spots! Five joints (puffing, puffing) is a set-off!
Two sit y television, just look at Maria.
-Does not even believe that y Mary is a child from Betto.
-Praveda, pravda.Ppochey y Napoleon, emy glavvpach never vpet.
The administrator of the hotel says:
-If you do not prove to me that this is your wife, I can not do it with you.
-And if you ydatcya prove that this is not my wife, I'll be happy to you before samov me ..
The husband-engineer says to his wife:
"Could you give me the recipe for this pie?" He would have made a real revolution in the cement industry.
"What did your wife say when she saw you kissing a neighbor?"
- Imagine, nothing. And those two teeth to me and so long ago it was time to remove.
After the events in Kuwait. The husband comes home and starts feverishly collecting the suitcases. His wife asks:
- Where are you going?
- I'm leaving for Kuwait. There, all the peasants were killed and any woman for being with a man once to stay, 20 dollars to pay!
His wife said nothing, shrugged her shoulders and also began to pack the things. The husband looks at her in surprise and asks:
- And where are you going?
- I'll go with you, I'll see how you'll live for $ 40 per month.
If you were put on cancer - it means that you are so much more useful ...
At first there was a bit, then a byte, and only then did the word appear.
Alcohol, of course, is not the answer - but when you drink it, you forget all the questions!
If you are late for work - two eggs can be prepared quickly and easily from the two eggs on the floor.
Spots of oil paint will not be so noticeable on your clothes if you do not wear it anymore.
Connect the doorbell to the telephone. Then, looking at the peephole - you can find out who is calling you on the phone ...
I used to learn Russian only for what he spoke as a child.
A good person will not hold bad air in himself ...
It's a shame when you're all so beautiful, but nobody looks at you, but it's more unpleasant if you're worse than anyone else - and everyone is staring at you!
If you are reproached that you have crushed your leg, you must be indignant and exclaim: "No, you put me on the bandwagon!".
Life constantly puts you before a choice: what is better - to have an opportunity to smell or not to smell stink?
The show "Who wants to be a millionaire?".
Galkin:
- Name everyone a known measure of a length of three letters, equal to approximately 30 centimeters!
Blonde (embarrassed):
- Uh-uh! Hmmm!
Galkin:
"I'm telling you!" The second letter is y. Think! No, wrong - it's foot!
The village boy is on the subway. Opposite him sat a large girl with a half-naked chest and chewing gum. The guy looked at her ...
The girl took a defiant pose and brazenly asks:
- Well, I liked it, I slurped it, eh?
The guy answered with embarrassment:
- I was just thinking - would you be a boar - milk would have been ...
One computer technician calls to another:
- What are you doing?
- Fucking ...
- With what?
Yesterday watched Klitschko fight with Danny Williams ...
Oh my God!
AND THESE people are promoting shampoo ?!
We make circumcision.
Painless, fast and inexpensive!
When you re-order a 50% discount!
The park is well-dressed husband and wife. Suddenly they see on the bench a man with a port wine bladder and traces of his former intelligence on his face.
Wife:
- Wow! This is my ex-husband! Five years ago I left him! He still drinks!
Husband:
- You're lying! So long do not celebrate!
"What's that, your hand is dirty, and two fingers clean?"
- And today I learned to whistle!
"Son, what are you reading?"
- "Thousand and One Nights."
- Thousand and One Nights?! Nichrome yourself rates!
- Pan Jacek, how will the Polish "Come"?
"Come on!"
- And "go away"?
- Refuse!
- Look, I'm in a porn film!
- Foo-y-y!
- No-no-I play good there!
11-year-old girl to her mother:
- Mom, but if I become pregnant, I will not go to school?
- What?!
"No, I'm definitely not going, otherwise I will get a bad evaluation, I will perenurn - and, what's good, I'll lose the baby!"
Two men talk:
- Yesterday I bought a vibrator from a sex shop with a guarantee.
- Like this?
- Well, the master said that if it breaks, I will not have to do anything, he will come and do everything himself ...
A man comes to the travel agency:
- I have long dreamed of going to Paris! Beautiful girls, the atmosphere of love, the scents of eroticism! Do you understand me, of course ?! What do you think is the best time for such a visit?
"Try to get to Paris before you turn sixty."
After that, everything looks absolutely different there!
- You committed a terrible misconduct - insulted your neighbor with the most abominable abusive words, dragged him deep into the woods and beat him very badly! Do not you think that you have gone too far ?!
- It's right! It had to be hacked on the edge!
From the news feed.
In connection with the insufficient funding of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation, the order of the Defense Minister allowed servicemen to fight on the side of the enemy in their spare time.
Two girls open the door of the minibus. Driver:
- Asshole!
- What ?!
- I mean one place.
"Why are your fingers so long?" Are you probably playing the piano? "No, my test tubes."
The secretary is asked by a colleague from the office: - Why is Ivan Petrovich in your letters "respected", and Andrei Ivanovich - "highly respected". - Andrei Ivanovich is longer!
- Where are you going? - I'm going to the toilet ... - In a big way or a little? - In an average ... - It's like ?? "And this is dysentery ..."
The teacher enters the classroom and says: "Children, the copier broke down in the teacher's office, so today we will write dictation!" We open notebooks and write! Account-fact-tu-ra ...
- When a person comes to this world, they put on his hand a birochka. - When he dies, he also gets a birochka. - New promotion! If the numbers on the two pieces match!
What is the main mistake of Russian political technologists in Ukraine? You see, when Rasputin did not take the poison - he was shot ...
- You are more attentive to him, you need him in the eye and into the eye ....
Germany. A tourist bus full of tourists from Israel is on the road. The driver - the German, having turned around, goes to the nearest house and knocks on the door. The old man opens it, and the driver turns to him:
"Hey, grandfather, help me, I've got a full bus with the Jews broken here ..."
"Well, how can I help you?" I only have a microwave ...
Two Estonians come along the river bank and see a girl sitting on the other side of the river, who is fishing.
One of the friends shouted:
"What are you catching?"
"Men," the girl joked.
"Then why are you sitting on the bait?" - the Estonian pounced in response.
They went on, and after a couple of minutes the second friend suddenly burst out laughing:
"You answered her well!" But how did you know ?!
Petya approaches Vasily Ivanovich and asks:
- Vasily Ivanovich, and what is the nuance?
- How would you explain, Petka ... Well, let's become a cancer, take off your pants.
Petya becomes, takes off his pants, Vasily Ivanovich pushes the instrument through the very tomatoes and says:
- Look, Petka, you have a cock in the ass and I have a cock in the ass - but there is one NUANCE ...
An elderly husband with a charming young wife come to the cinema. Sit down.
Five minutes later the guy sitting next to this wife puts her hand on her knee. Then on the chest. Then he cautiously climbs under his skirt ...
The lady sitting behind can not stand such a spectacle and leans over to the husband sitting in front of her:
"Sorry - but I want to draw your attention to your wife ..."
Husband:
- Yes, I know ... When we go together in a movie - always the same. What should I do? If her house is left alone - it's even worse, then she fuck!
Dasha, are you ready?
"Now, Mummy, I'll take only Fubly."
"Whom?"
The daughter takes out of the room and shows her mother an incredibly disgusting doll - a terrible, disheveled and fouled. Mother, involuntarily:
- Oh, fuck!
"That's it, Mom, Dad calls it the same way."
Village. Night. In the cottage, the old father is lying on the stove. He almost falls asleep, but he hears through the doze how the young cheers are at the bottom. The old man, falling asleep, chuckles to himself: ... eh moldiness, youth ... And below whisper: - Let's stand up - Come on - and let's sit down - Come on - Come on top - Come on - give us a valet - Come on - give us cancer - Come on - give kandribobikom - give Opa! The old man had already been thrown up, he had not heard of anything. Let me see though! He bent down, peered - no one can see ... darkness. He climbs on ... can not see ... on ... can not see ... He bent, bent, until he flew off the shelf. Noise for the whole house ... ears, sticks, pots, pots all on the way grabbed. He got up somehow, scratched his side, tried to crawl back. At this time, my daughter with a fright asks: - What happened, Daddy? ... - Nitsche did not happen, daughter, just fucking need a human!
The farmer goes out into the yard in the morning, concentrates staring into the distance and thinks: "So, I cooked the cows, I asked the horses what else ... Damn, I do not have a woman @ bana!"
"You're a scumbag, a monster, a disgusting, disgusting type!" You ruined my whole life! I depressed all the brightest feelings, a narcissist, a vile egotist! A nothing! I can not look at you! Kiss Me!!! - Honey ... uh ... you know ... I'm not ready yet to have children ... - That's the fucking pull out! ONLY TRY !!!
A little boy is rushing about the apartment. He discards books from the cupboard, throws up his clothes, and overturns the chairs. The nurse comes running and asks: - What are you doing? - I play a game - Which one? - "Fuck your mother where the car keys" !!!
The veteran tells the youth about how Berlin took. And comes to the story of the German women ... "And the women of the Germans, my sons, I tell you ... lascivious and hunters up to the men ... It happens that the door will be knocked into the house by the foot, you run inside, you give the turn from the machine gun to the ceiling, and They are shaking-so they want to fuck! "
The conversation in the trolleybus: - Here's your Yeltsin lay down on the rails? - And your Zhirinovsky will lie down? - He's lying! - Hurry up!
There are two friends who have not seen about 30 years. The first time he counted in the house y of the second 16 children. "You must be living very well together with your wife," remarked the first lady. - Yes that you! - the second one reminded - a small, humble man of the age of a companion. "She always screams and pushes me." As a matter of fact, I'm fighting her like a fire. "Then why did you ask so many children?" - And in the crowd it's easier to zatepyatcya!
Five-year-old boy came to the phone:
- Yes?
"Call father or mother."
- They're not home.
- And who else is there?
"Yes, my sister."
"Call her, please."
After a pause, the boy picked up the receiver again:
"It's too heavy." I can not get her out of the stroller.
Lawyers are so expensive that it is easier to buy a judge.
Islam and Judaism for the peasant are truly self-mutilation.
Axis of evil, and the bee of good!
What is a goat? This is a man who is not interested in anything but << cabbage >> ...
I'm not the Ministry of Health - but I'm warning!
I'll cover you with your body, do not be afraid!
Who goes to bed early and gets up early, a little wealth and a hump will make money!
You can not have money at the same time, and that they do not have you.
The shortest day - Monday, did not have time to wake up, and it's time to leave work.
When not paid a salary, there are only two ways to save yourself and your nerves:
либо не ходить на работу, либо не ходить домой!
Теория суха, а практика запойна.
Из всех собак, перебегающих дорогу, меньше всего шансов у таксы.
Женщины, знающие себе цену, пасутся на Тверской.
Первая брачная ночь.
Голос невесты:
- Оп-па!.. То есть - ой!
- Эй, сделай личико попроще!
- Не могу...
- Почему?
- Испугаешься...
- Папочка! Ты же обещал сводить меня сегодня в зоопарк?
- Ещё чего! Хватит с тебя на эту неделю развлечений! Вчера ты видел драку, позавчера пожар...
Вам никто не звонит?
Не приходят SМS-ки от друзей?
Положите на мобильник!
- Светка - не говори так, а то будешь всю жизнь в девках сидеть!
- Ой, Жанка, можно подумать, что ты вся в пацанах?!
Муж:
- Ты мне изменяла?
Жена:
- Ни-ког-да!!!
- Не почеловечески как-то...
Сидят Петро и Микола, пьют горилку, закусывают салом с чесноком...
Петро:
- Мыкола, сажи мени - и на хера он за собой эту блядь таскае?!!
Микола:
- Петро, мы же домовылысь: за столом о политике - ни слова...
Новости науки.
Российские учёные в созвездии Большой Медведицы обнаружили новую звезду!
Теперь созвездие планируют переименовать в Большого Медведя...
Секс по телефону:
- Парень, тебе точно больше 18-ти?
- Да, тётя...
Самолёт из Африки садится в Шереметьево. На борту мужик. В багаже груз - 100 банановых пальм. Таможенники, получив информацию об этом, находятся в предвкушении хорошего развода мужика на бабло: как-никак 100 пальм это ж коммерческая партия и для "личного использования" никак не катит...
Таможенник:
- Ну-с, уважаемый, что везём?
Мужик молча протягивает декларацию, в которой написано: "Пальмовая роща - 1 шт.".
Один охотник другому:
- Представляешь, я сегодня одним выстрелом убил двух куропаток и двух зайцев!
- Это как это так?!!
- Да я выстрелил в куропатку - она, падая, зацепила ещё одну - и они вместе упали на зайца...
- Ну а ещё один?!
- А это меня отдачей отбросило - и я ещё одного придавил...
Лента новостей.
Согласно последнему постановлению правительства, с 1 января 2005 года на территории Росии запрещено использование несертифицированных уничтожителей бумаги. Сертифицированные модели должны быть оборудованы встроенным сканером и высокоскоростным доступом в Интернет...
Мужик приводит приятеля к врачу. Приятель слова вымолвить не может - воет.
Врач спрашивает:
- Что с ним?
Man:
- Понимаете, я его за водкой послал. Еле наскребли на пару пузырей, а он, сука такая, углядел по дороге какой-то графинчик и купил его!
Врач:
- Бля! Я б ему этот графинчик в жопу запихнул бы!
Man:
- Так чего спрашиваете, если знаете?
Мужик просыпается с похмелья, голова трещит. Тут острый приступ рвоты.
Кидается к туалету. Маленькая дочка наблюдавшая процесс, произносит уч ительским голосом:
- Папа, ну кто же так КАКАЕТ!
Свадьба. Жених-садист, невеста-мазохистка. Брачная ночь. Она срывает с себя одежду и кричит:
- Возьми меня! Сейчас! Здесь! Грубо! Скорее! Я не могу больше ждать!
Он сидит, сложил руки на груди и спокойно говорит:
- Нет, ты погоди-погоди...
- Я сделал всё, чтобы вы встретили праздник безболезненно!
- Купил бицилин?!
- Нет, вазелин!
Мужчинам нравятся игрушки со множеством прибамбасов, например женщины.
Женщины могут обращаться только с очень простыми предметами, например, мужч инами.
- Здорово Ольга!
- Здорово Колян!
- Сегодня Дениса ночью не будет, он ключи мне от своей хаты оставил - пойдём туда!
- Ой!... А что мы там будем делать?
- Ну что? Как обычно! Ты представляешь? Всю ночь - только ты и я!!!
- Ну ладно... А как? Как обычно?
- Ну давай как обычно... только я чур за орков!
- Как тебя зовут?
- Анастасия.
- Какое длинное имя! Я не запомню. А короче нельзя?
- Ира.
Два голубых:
- Давай играть в слова!
- Давай! ЖопА!
- АнуС!
- СфинктеР!
- РАЗДЕВАЙСЯ!
- Ну, как прошла вечеринка?
- Ерунда полная! Меня после вечеринки Маша пригласила к себе на бокал вина.
Мы поболтали, немного посплетничали, потом она вдруг выключила свет и разделась догола. Я, конечно, сразу понял, что она очень устала и пошёл домой.
Виктор уже в пятый раз тацевал с одной и той же женщиной.
Во время последнего танца он говорит ей:
- Как вы смотрите на то, чтобы нам сегодня вечером теснее сблизиться?
- Охотно! - томно выдыхает она.
- И где же?
- Пониже пупка!
Анекдот из жизни математиков. Про комбинаторику. Наука такая, перестановки там всякие, сочетания и прочая чепуха...
Приходят к профессору два студента экзамен сдавать. По комбинаторике. В те ещё времена. Домой пришли к профессору. Сдавали, сдавали, за картами засиделись, за костями игральными. Стемнело, пришлось спать укладывать в профессорской трёхкомнатной квартире. В одной комнате - два студента, в другой - профессор с женой, в третьей - профессорская дочь.
Просыпается студент, думает - а хрен ли я с этим придурком лежу, пойду-ка профессорскую дочь навещу. Глядь в одну комнату - две головы из-под одеяла торчат, ну то профессор с женой, глядь в другую - одна голова. Дочка! Юрк к ней под одеяло, спят.
Не спится и профессору. Встаёт среди ночи - дай, думает, к дочке перелягу, мало ли что от этих балбесов ждать. Шнырь в одну комнату, две головы, - ага, студенты, шнырь в другую - одна, дочка, не иначе. Прыг - спит.
Ну, тута и второй студент проснулся, и, как вы уже догадались, отправился по стопам друга, на поиски профессорской дочки... Утро. Просыпается профессор. Один. В комнате студентов. Хм...
Заглядывает в одну комнату - там студент с дочкой, в другую - студент с женой.
Чешет репу:
- Сколько лет преподаю комбинаторику - но таких блядских перестановок ещё не видел!!!