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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

- What is the biggest success of the socialist camp?
- He was alone, now there are two of them!

- What are the relations between the USSR and the USA?
- Peaceful coexistence of states with different socio-political systems.
- And what are the relations of the USSR with China?
- Hostile coexistence of states with the same socio-political systems.
- Is China a member of the socialist bloc?
- Yes. Corresponding Member.

“Mom, is it true that people came from a monkey?”
- True.
- That's why I watch monkeys so little has become.

- Finally, I weaned my husband to bite his nails!
“How did you do it?”
- Threw out his false jaw!

A man comes to the store. He asks: - Do you have any underpants?
Saleswoman: - No.
Man: - And on sale?

- What is the ratio between the dollar, the ruble and the pound?
- One dollar is equal to a pound of rubles.

- What is the difference between Russian sex and French?
- French sex without underwear, and Russian without bedding.

- What is the difference between a bitch and a whore?
“The whore sleeps with everyone, and the bitch sleeps with everyone except me.”

Lenin calls Dzerzhinsky:
- Felix Edmundovich! Obvious search for counter-revolution! Zavtga subbotnik, and I have inflated the inflatable!

At the exhibition hangs the painting "Lenin in Poland". In the picture there is a hut from which two pairs of bare legs stick out - male and female.
“This is a hut in spill,” the guide explains. - The legs belong to Dzerzhinsky and Krupskaya ...
Here you are not here - here you will quickly lose the habit of drinking vodka and violating ugliness.
At the end of the day, the dark time comes.
The sentinel machine is sent forward to the distance of the visual memory.
The signal for the attack is three green whistles.
Dig a trench from me until noon.

Tanks advance in small groups of two to three people.
Our lesson is not worth a damn.
Here, as in war, they killed the commander, took another machine gun.
Live like pigs in a den.
Sergeant! You have the daily not cut, hanging on your ears.

Gathered elephants to smoke anasha. And the paws are round, the pigtails cannot be twisted in any way. Suddenly, elephants see a hedgehog coming. they have to him:
- So they say so. Help us twist the kosyachki.
Hedgehog, kind soul, eats, but agreed. The elephants rejoiced, and went about their business. They return, there is no anasha, and the smoked hedgehog is lying around.
- Where is Anasha? !!!
And the hedgehog is so languid:
- Do not run into me big gray clouds.

I remembered here:
- Hello!
- Hello!
- Hello!
- Hello!
- How are you?
- Well!!!
- Oh, I’m probably wrong with the number ... *;)

Shooting at the Navy. Volley. Rangefinder shreds:
- 200 meters short!
- Small forward! Swim 200 meters!

Better to sit in a small stuffy brasserie than work in a large bright factory.
From an explanatory note: "He called me what my dad did me, only feminine ...".
A woman is like a sardine - without a head everything is good.
Anyone who still considers women to be the weaker sex - let them see how they close the door of the minibus.
If the server is called - this does not mean that there is no porn on it.
If you easily and simply knocked out the door with your head, then you are dumb and fat, and not strong and cool!
Before ... to see the ass ... you had to move your panties away .... And now?
To see the cowards - you need to push the ass ....
I can’t be silent when they don’t listen to me!
"It's fun to walk together ..." is an unofficial anthem for public toilets.
Sometimes you need to know exactly what kind of person is on the other side of the condom.
Sponsor of the fights without rules - “GOOD” juices and nectars.

Now mothers scare their children like this: "If you behave badly, I will give you to Michael Jackson!"

Two historians argue:
“I think, colleague, that the Trojan horse was really a mare!”
- Well, they didn’t climb through the ass ...

- I want to go to my native places, Daddy’s business to continue!
- So, will you drink?

Little Red Riding Hood comes out with a strangled Wolf in his hands:
- Here, I walked through the forest - and he attacked, I had to figure it out!
“But how did you succeed, Little Red Riding Hood ?!”
- How red! (clutching a hat) - Bitten after all !!

- Most of all, our swimmers were lucky at the Olympics: all the guys flew home near the window!

- The morning meets us at dawn ...
- And us with a pickle ...

The Englishman, Frenchman and Russian came to the restaurant. They served tea to everyone. English anin stirs a spoon with sugar.
- Tink! - accidentally hit a spoon on the wall of the glass.
- Sorry! - the Englishman hastened to say.
- Tink !! - hit the spoon with the Frenchman.
“Sorry,” he said.
- A thousand apologies!!! - tink, tink, tink ...

- Mom, tell me - was my grandfather a proctologist?
- Your grandfather was a famous proctologist!
- And dad is also a proctologist?
“Your dad is a wonderful proctologist!”
- And when will I grow up? ...
- And you, I'm sure, will become an excellent proctologist!
“But I want to become a car mechanic!”
- Here's another! Do you want your whole life to poke shit ?!

- Nadezhda Yakovlevna! Once again, I urge you not to allow your children to play under my windows!
- Come on, Svetlana Ivanovna. Just think - three pensioners in dominoes will knock!

Men - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
At the crucial moment, they think more about how their boobs look ...

- Zhora, bring mom a cigarette.
- Mom, am I still going to tell you, loader - to deliver cigarettes?
- To carry the tripper along Deribasovskaya - you’re the loader!

In the market I heard from a representative of southern nationality:
“My education is eight classes and I lived with the teacher for two more years ...”

Making love guy with a girl. The guy does cunnilingus, rises and loudly whispers in her ear:
- You are my dessert ...
A girl with an expression of Iron Felix on her face chopped off:
- What kind of tenderness ?!
- Sorry, bitch ...

- In memory of that meeting, I keep this unopened parachute.
- Hm! And with whom did you meet?
- Not with anyone, but with what ... With a mop of hay!

- I turned off the water in the country!
- How!? You have a well!
- Well yes! Last year, the moles did not pay rent!

Be with a strong firm, with a weak affection.
What? Is there any trouble from everyone?
Then toss the ends, should work fine ...

The inscription on the stall:
"Biological break 15 minutes."

- Vasya, but we argue for a hundred that you won’t guess why I came to you.
- I know why you came ... To borrow money to ask.
- Here it is! So come on - drive a hundred ...

Sperms are for sale. Samovysos!

Kindergarten pupil:
- When will these mornings stop being arranged? And so in the morning sucks!

Laced parents run up to their thirteen-year-old daughter:
“Oh, you crappy girl!” My dad and I have already run around all the bars and discos! And she is at the entrance! Playing in the sandbox! ...

Father and son watching striptease. The lady was left with only black gloves to the elbows.
“Why doesn't she take them off ?!”
- Well, a woman should have at least some secret ...

- Auntie, what a beautiful dress you have! What tomatoes are painted on it, cucumbers!
- Go away, boy !!! You do not see - crap me!

- Why do we need snow?
- To have dandruff on my head!

By the way, there is also the Bloody Misha cocktail.
Composition: the same Masha, only with eggs ...

When questioning women: “Would they have sex if they had not experienced an orgasm?
"- the following responses were received:
20% - yes;
20% - no;
60% - and what is an orgasm?

Two friends discuss women:
- This Tatyana is so good in bed, I have never had anyone better!
- And who is in second place?
- Sveta.
- And on the third?
“Well, who, wife, of course.”
“Also good in bed?”
- Well ... Well, somehow it’s inconvenient to leave my wife without a prize.

France, ХIХв.
“Ah, Pierre, you can’t even imagine what kind of treasure you are taking,” the woman says to her future son-in-law. - In the evenings it doesn’t come out, more virgin than an angel, God forgive me, books and prayers are the only entertainment. And her room is more modest than the monastic cell, let's go take a look.
They enter the room and see: a table, a chair, a bed and nothing more.
The only exotic is the cage with the parrot.
The parrot, seeing the guests, immediately started up and howled:
-... Tr-rrr-ahai quiet !!! Maman does not sleep !!! ...
Pierre is in shock, mom faints, and the parrot:
-... In LJ-o-oop, a goat !!!! I still get married! ...

As you know, people perceive incoming information differently ...
Basically, there are three types of people: audiences, visuals and kinesthetics.
Audiences are those who perceive information by ear, visuals perceive with their eyes, and kinesthetics with their skin and body.
So, kinesthetics just dofiga. Too many people until they get fucked - fucking don't understand ...

Three French businessmen aged 50, 60 and 80 decided to relax in a restaurant.
- Let's just not talk about business, we must distract.
Let's talk about women.
Male 50 years old:
- The most beautiful place for a woman is her legs. When I look at them, it gives me aesthetic pleasure. Male 60 years old:
“But for me, it's breasts.” When I look at them, I just bleed. A man of 80 years old interrupts them and creaks in his senile voice:
- Gentlemen, gentlemen! You are not talking about that. The woman has something else ... I don’t remember, but a sharman, gentlemen, a sharman!

A peasant from a business trip arrived and brings to the accountant a report on the business trip, and there on the first line is "1. Hat - 10.000 Kb.", And then everything is as it should ...
The accountant also asks: "What a hat." And he: "Yes, I bought it on a business trip." The accountant tells him: “The report will not work - rewrite” The peasant went and rewrote, now the “hat” has become in the middle of the list.
The accountant again did not accept, demanded to rewrite. The third time he brings it, the accountant reads it, but there is no hat on the list: “And where is the hat?” And the man replies: “And there she is, only you will find her hell.”

So, it was a circus. The entertainer enters the arena and says:
- Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will drink a bucket of water!
A boy runs out and drinks a bucket of water. After a while, the entertainer comes out again and says:
- Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will again drink a bucket of water! A boy runs into the arena, drinks a bucket of water and runs away. After some time, the entertainer enters the arena and says:
- Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will satire all those sitting in the front row.
I warn you, running is useless, he has a phenomenal memory!

How can one trust the inner voice if he always whispers to oversleep a job?
With a flick of the wrist, the dance floor turns into a ring ...
Never have to lie! We must always try to tell the truth and only deceive it.
Better to sit in a small stuffy brasserie than work in a large bright factory.
Do you want Siberian health? Then come to us in Siberia. To the mines!
There is only one advantage to having a woman boss: you can have her ...
The word "airplane" comes from the Greek "aero" - air and the Uzbek "plan" - to fly.
It is strange why the public toilet smells like a porch ...
If you come across this in the forest - consider that your pants are gone ...
Salvage is melting before our eyes, but if we turn away, it disappears altogether!
Razor Niva: one day - and you are a widow.

- Alice, having been in the Looking Glass, decided not to stop there. And went to Zumbumbochie, Zadavanie, Feast, Binge and Marriage.
- A new action from the President of Ukraine Leonid Kuchma: think of a ridiculous excuse for him to stay for another term - and you will receive a player, felt-tip pens and a good friend as a gift!
- New time - new signs. If a tough businessman puts a jeep in front of the casino, and then leaves the casino and takes a trolleybus, it means he has put it in the wrong place.
- So! Everything, we begin to shoot. Do you know your role? MOTOR!
- I played bunnies for 20 years - do you think I won’t play the motor?
- I had such a case in the village ...
- In short!
- My daughter is 3 years old.
- Hey, do as I said! Turn right!
- Do not listen to him! Come to the left!
- No, right!
- Take it to the left! You fool, listen to me!
Voice of the announcer: "You listened to the radio play" Two Captains ".
Sounds of a merry feast - the clinking of forks, glasses, bottles, gurgling, champing, music.
- Vasya, where is yours?
- Left to rest, she will not be a week!
Voice of the announcer: "You listened to the radio play" Home Alone-2 ".
Tombstone inscription:
Petrov Oleg Pavlovich 1970-1990
Petrova Olga Pavlovna 1990-2002
This person lived 2 short but very eventful lives!
- Guys! Right here and now tell me: homosexuality is normal !?
- Well, yes, in principle, it's normal ...
- Hello? Mother? Yes, yes - everything is fine with me!
Yesterday, the famous illusionist David Coperfield walked through the Kremlin wall. He was met in the wall: Comrade Gromyko, Comrade Suslov, and other officers.
- Man, miss?
- Not by that much...
- Honey, let's have sex!
- Damn, why do you always think about sex ?!
- Because football is not coming soon !!!
- And our guest is dumb and inexplicable.
- Hello - tell me, why are you stupid?
- Uh, I can’t explain ...
- Is that a radio? My mother-in-law, Lyubov Sergeyevna, has an anniversary today.
- What to convey for her?
- Nothing! She herself will sing to me soon !!
- Ivan groznyj! You're a fool!!
- What are you - I put you on a stake ?!
- Oh, I'm sticking out ...
Country house. Scream from the attic:
“Mom, can boys have children from boys?”
- Of course not...
- So, boys - continue!
Matured Volka. And the Old Man-Hottabych had to look for a young boy.
“Lord, you have shadows under your eyes!” Did you drink all night again?
- Yes! oh, shitty to me ... I’ll endure before lunch - and there I will hang out, or something ...
Voice announcer: "You listened to the radio show" Shadows disappear at noon. "
- Caesar - they say you can do several things at the same time? - once asked the emperor his mistress.
“Of course,” he smiled indulgently. “Now, for example, I love you and at the same time cheating on my wife.”
"... You left, you went to Piderburg, and you came to Pidrograd ..."
“Girl, may I use your copy machine?”
- What should be copied?
- DNA ...
And remember, Cinderella - at exactly 12 o’clock the magic will end.
And then you will be punched for a hawk ...
From the recommendation:
... in group sex, he didn’t hide behind someone else’s back.
“Why are your parties so funny, but nobody goes to mine?”
- Dosya, the main thing is a good powder!
We bought two drunks a bottle and figure out where to drink.
One says:
- Let's go to the playground, there is cultural, there are benches!
Another object to him:
- Why are you - there are children!
- What - they will laugh out loud and brazenly tease?
(with annoyance):
- No, they will cry quietly and plaintively ask ...
A man in a pharmacy:
- Give me a pack of chlorpromazine ...
- We cannot sell it to you: it is a very strong sedative, it is sold only by prescription.
- Well, okay ... Then give a box of potassium permanganate - I’ll blow these Martians to fucking ...
- Will you drink?
- Not!
“What if I run away?”
- Nataha! Cow! Go here! Move the rolls!
- Escusumua, gentlemen - daddy's name!
- Why are you crying, baby?
- My dog ​​ran away!
- And where do you live?
- This is only my dog ​​knows!
- Dear - more, more!
-... already ...
I'm not a prostitute, as if!
Why then fuck me ?!
A prisoner escapes from prison, where he spent the last 15 years. He runs along the road and suddenly notices a house on the outskirts. He bursts into it and finds a young married couple in the bedroom. He grabs the husband, ties him to a chair, ties his wife to the bed, climbs on her, kisses her on the neck and goes to the bathroom.
While he is gone, the husband says to his wife:
- Listen, this shot is an escaped criminal, he most likely spent a lot of time in prison. And, probably, for years I have not seen a woman. I saw him kiss you on the neck. If he wants sex - do not resist, just do what he tells you, give him pleasure. This dude is dangerous if he gets angry - he can kill us ... Be strong, dear. I love you!
The wife says:
- He did not kiss my neck ... He whispered in my ear that over the years in prison he liked the boys more and that you are very sexy. And he asked me where we keep the petroleum jelly. And I said that in the bathroom ... So be strong, dear. I love you!

Our pilot was shot down over Vietnam. They began to interrogate:
What are the technical data of the MiG-17? He said nothing. Then they exchanged for a downed American. They bring him to his native military school as a hero. Well, his cadets and ask how they are held captive. "Yes, nothing, just teach, men, materiel - they ask there."

Soviet instructor teaches the Syrians a new Soviet tank.
- Here is the first reverse gear, second rear, third rear, first front ...
Syrian interrupts:
- And why the front?
- Fool! What if Jews come from the rear!

Paratroopers fly in an airplane, an officer comes to them and says:
- Guys, we’ll all fly to Afghanistan to fight
The guys darkened like that ... But the officer told them again:
- But for the head of every killed dushman we will pay a bonus - $ 1000 !!!
The plane comes in for landing; the paratroopers are scattered. The officer alone, with his mouth open, stands near the plane. After 30 minutes, the paratroopers return, dragging a bunch of heads. The officer faints:
- Guys, we sat in Tashkent for refueling ...

Helen! How do yty fly ?!
- Ducks? Ducks fly shoals!
- Cant? Weeds are five!
Vasya! How do cars drive ?!
- Cars ? Cars ride on wheels!
- On wheels? On wheels - it's five!
Little Johnny! How to graze cows?
- Cows? Cows graze on the grass!
- On the grass? On the grass - it's five!
What is your last name ?
- Kosyachkov!
- Kosyachkov? Kosyachkov is five!
Five, Kosyachkov! Five pigtails (puff, puff) - this is a set-off!

Two of them are watching TV, they are just watching Maria.
- It’s not even believed that Mary’s child is from Betto.
- True, true. Ask y Napoleon, this head physician never lies.

The hotel administrator says the client:
-If you do not prove to me that this is your wife, I could not settle you together.
-If you are able to prove that this is not my wife, I would be grateful to you to death myself ..
The husband-engineer tells his wife:
“Could you give me the recipe for this pie?” He would have revolutionized the cement industry.

“What did your wife say when she spotted you kissing a neighbor?”
- Imagine nothing. And it’s time for me to remove those two teeth.

After the events in Kuwait. The husband comes home and feverishly begins to pack his bags. His wife asks:
- Where are you going?
- I'm leaving for Kuwait. All the men were killed there, and any woman who pays to be with a man once, pays $ 20!
The wife did not answer, shrugged, and also began to pack things. The husband looks at her in surprise and asks:
- And where are you going?
- I'll go with you, see how you live on $ 40 a month.

If you have been diagnosed with cancer, it means that you’re more useful ...
First there was a bit, then a byte, and only then did the word appear.
Alcohol, of course, is not the answer - but when you drink it, you forget all the questions!
If you are late for work - from two eggs you can easily and quickly prepare two spots on the floor.
Stains of oil paint will not be so noticeable on your clothes if you don’t wear them anymore.
Attach the doorbell to the telephone. Then, looking at the peephole door - you can find out who is calling you on the phone ...
I would learn Russian only because I spoke it in childhood.
A good person will not keep bad air in himself ...
It's a shame when you are all so beautiful, and no one is looking at you, but it’s more unpleasant if you have nowhere worse - and everyone is staring at you!
If you were reproached that you squeezed your leg, you must be indignant and exclaim: << No, it was you who put me on the bandwagon! >>.
Life constantly confronts you with a choice: which is better - to be able to smell or not smell?

The show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
- Give everyone the well-known measure of the length of the three letters, equal to about 30 centimeters!
Blonde (embarrassed):
- Uhhh! Hm!
- I tell you! the second letter is y. Think! No, wrong is foot!

Country boy rides the subway. Opposite him sits a bulky girl with half-naked chest and chewing gum. The guy looked at her ...
The girl took a defiant pose and brazenly asks:
- Well - like, drooling, huh?
The guy replies confusedly:
- I was just thinking - would you be a burenka - oh milk would be ...

One geek calls another:
- What are you doing?
- Fuck ...
- With what?

Yesterday I watched Klitschko fight with Danny Williams ...
Oh my God!
And THESE people are advertising us shampoo ?!

Do the circumcision.
Painless, fast and inexpensive!
When re-ordering, a 50% discount!

Well-dressed husband and wife walk in the park. Suddenly they see a man on a bench with a bubble of port and traces of former intelligence on his face.
- Wow! This is my ex-spouse! Five years ago, I left him! He is still drinking!
- You're lying! Do not celebrate for so long!

- What is it that your whole hand is dirty, and two fingers are clean?
- And today I learned to whistle!

- Son, what are you reading?
- "Thousand and One Nights."
- Thousand and One Nights?! Nichrome yourself rates!

- Pan Jacek, how will the “Come” in Polish be?
- Appear!
- And "leave"?
- Get off!

- Listen, I starred in a porn film!
- Phew!
- No, no - I play good there!

11 year old girl - mom:
- Mom, and if I get pregnant, I won’t go to school?
- What?!
- No, I definitely won’t go, otherwise I’ll get a bad mark, I’m getting nervous - and, what’s good, I’ll lose a little more!

Two men are talking:
- Yesterday I bought a vibrator with a guarantee for my wife in a sex shop.
- Like this?
- Well, the master said that if it breaks, I won’t have to do anything, he will come and do everything himself ...

A man comes to the travel agency:
- I have long dreamed of visiting Paris! Beautiful girls, an atmosphere of love, aromas of eroticism! Do you understand me, of course ?! What do you think is the best time for such a visit?
“Try to get to Paris before you are sixty.”
After that, everything looks completely different there!

“You committed a terrible misconduct - you insulted your neighbor with the most disgusting swear words, dragged him deep into the woods and beat him there very badly!” Do not you think that you have gone too far ?!
- It's right! He had to be peeled off at the edge of the forest!

From the news feed.
Due to insufficient funding of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation, by order of the Minister of Defense, military personnel are allowed to fight on the side of the enemy in their free time.

Two girls open the door of the minibus. Driver:
- Ass!
- What ?!
- In the sense of one place.

“Why are your fingers so long?” You probably play the piano? - No, my test tubes.
A colleague from the chancellery asks the secretary: - Why is Ivan Petrovich in your letters “respected”, and Andrei Ivanovich - “deeply respected”. - Andrei Ivanovich has longer!
- Where are you going? - I'm going to the toilet ... - Big or small? - On average ... - How's that ??? - And this is dysentery ...
The teacher enters the classroom and says: - Children, the copy machine broke in the teacher’s room, so today we will write a dictation! Open notebooks and write! Account-fact-that-ra ...
- When a person comes into this world, they put a tag on his hand. “When he dies, he also gets a tag.” - New promotion! If the numbers on the two tags match!
What is the main mistake of Russian political strategists in Ukraine? You see, when Rasputin did not take the poison - he was shot ...
- You are more careful with him, you need him in the eye and in the eye ....
Germany. A tourist bus full of tourists from Israel stands on the sidelines. The driver - a German, twisting, goes to the nearest house and knocks on the door. The old man opens, and the driver turns to him:
- Hey, grandfather, help me, I’ve got a full bus with Jews here ...
“Well, how can I help you?” I only have a microwave ...

Two Estonian buddies walk along the riverbank and see a girl sitting on the other bank who is fishing.
One of the friends shouted:
- What do you catch?
“Men,” the girl joked.
“Why are you sitting on the bait then?” - the Estonians got amused in response.
They went on, and after a couple of minutes the second friend suddenly burst out laughing.
- Great, you answered her! But how did you find out ?!

Petka approaches Vasily Ivanitch and asks:
- Vasily Ivanovich, what is a nuance?
“How can I explain to you, Petka ... Well, let's become cancer, take off your pants.”
Petka becomes, takes off his pants, Vasily Ivanovich puts the instrument on the very tomatoes and says:
- Look, Petka, you have a member in the ass and I have a member in the ass - but there is one NUANCE ...

An elderly husband and a charming young wife come to the cinema. They sit down.
Five minutes later, the guy sitting next to this wife puts her hand on her knee. Then to the chest. Then he carefully climbs under the skirt ...
The lady sitting in the back does not stand such a sight and leans toward her husband sitting in front:
- Sorry - but I want to draw your attention to the fact that your wife ...
“Yes, I know ... When we go to the cinema together, it's always the same thing.” What should I do? If leaving her alone at home is even worse, then she will be fucked!

Dasha, are you ready?
- Now, Mom, I’ll only take Fubl.
- Whom?
The daughter takes out from the room and shows her mother an incredibly disgusting doll - a terrible, disheveled and dirty. Mother, involuntarily:
- Phew, shit!
- That's right, mom, dad also calls the doll so.

Village. Night. In the hut, an old father is laying on the stove. Almost falling asleep, but through the slumber he hears the young women rustling below. The old man, falling asleep, chuckles to himself: ... eh, moldiness, youth ... And below they whisper: - come on standing - well come on - and let's go on the terrier sitting - come on - let's go on top - go on - go on with a valetic - go on - go on with cancer - come on - come on candribobik - come on Opa !!! The old man was already thrown up, what’s up for business - he’s never heard of. Give me a peep! Bent over, peering - nothing to see ... darkness. He leans out further ... not to see ... further ... not to see ... Bent, bent, until he flew off the shelf. Noise for the whole house ... ears, hooks, pans, pots, everything was taken along the way. He got up somehow, scratches his side, tries to crawl back. At this time, the daughter asks in fright: “What happened, daddy? ...” “Nothing happened, daughter, you just have to fuck like a man !!!”
The farmer walks out into the yard in the morning, looks intently into the distance and thinks: "So, I milked the cows, asked the horses feed, what else ... Damn, I have a woman not @ bang!"
“You bastard, monster, vile disgusting type!” You ruined my whole life! Frightened all the brightest feelings, narcissistic, vile egoist! Nothing! I can’t look at you! Kiss Me!!! - Dear ... uh ... you know ... I'm not ready to have children yet ... - Take out the fuck! ONLY TRY !!!
A little boy rushes around the apartment. Throws books off the sideboard, throws clothes, knocks over chairs. A nanny runs up and asks: - What are you doing? - I play a game - Which one? - "Fuck your mother where are the keys to the car" !!!
A veteran tells youth about how Berlin took it. And it comes to the story of the German women ... "But the Germans have women, sons, I tell you ... lustful and eager for the men ... It happens that you kick the door into the house, run inside, give the line from the machine to the ceiling, and they are shaking-so they want to fuck! "
The conversation in the trolley: - Here is your Yeltsin on the tracks? - And your Zhirinovsky will lie down? - Lies! - Hurry up!
I met two people who had not seen for about 30 years. The first child counted 16 children in the house y second. “You must be living very well with your wife,” said the first spectator. - What are you! - said the second - a small, meek man of about forty. - She constantly grumbles and sprinkles me. In truth, I am afraid of her like fire. “Then why did you make so many children?” - And in the crowd it’s easier to get lost!
A five-year-old boy answered the phone:
- Yes?
- Call dad or mom.
- They're not home.
- And is there anyone else?
- Yes, my sister.
- Call her, please.
After a pause, the boy picked up the phone again:
“She's too heavy.” I can’t get her out of the stroller.

Lawyers are so expensive that it’s easier to buy a judge.
Islam and Judaism for the peasant are real self-mutilation.
The axis of evil, and the bees are good!
What is a goat? This is a man who is not interested in anything other than << cabbage >> ...
I am not the Ministry of Health - but I warn you!
I’ll cover you with your body, don’t be scared!
Who goes to bed early and wakes up early, a little wealth and a hump gain!
You can’t have money at the same time, and that they do not have you.
The shortest day - Monday, did not have time to wake up, but it was time to leave work.
When you do not pay a salary, there are only two ways to save yourself and your nerves:
either do not go to work, or do not go home!
The theory is dry, and practice is drunk.
Of all the dogs that cross the road, the dachshund has the least chance.
Women who know their worth graze on Tverskaya.

The wedding night.
Voice of the bride:
- Oops! .. That is - oh!

- Hey, make your face simpler!
- I can not...
- Why?
- Are you scared ...

- Daddy! You promised to take me to the zoo today?
- What more! Enough with you for this week of entertainment! Yesterday you saw a fight, the day before the fire ...

Nobody calls you?
Do not receive SMS from friends?
Положите на мобильник!

- Светка - не говори так, а то будешь всю жизнь в девках сидеть!
- Ой, Жанка, можно подумать, что ты вся в пацанах?!

- Ты мне изменяла?
- Ни-ког-да!!!
- Не почеловечески как-то...

Сидят Петро и Микола, пьют горилку, закусывают салом с чесноком...
- Мыкола, сажи мени - и на хера он за собой эту блядь таскае?!!
- Петро, мы же домовылысь: за столом о политике - ни слова...

Science news.
Российские учёные в созвездии Большой Медведицы обнаружили новую звезду!
Теперь созвездие планируют переименовать в Большого Медведя...

Секс по телефону:
- Парень, тебе точно больше 18-ти?
- Да, тётя...

Самолёт из Африки садится в Шереметьево. На борту мужик. В багаже груз - 100 банановых пальм. Таможенники, получив информацию об этом, находятся в предвкушении хорошего развода мужика на бабло: как-никак 100 пальм это ж коммерческая партия и для "личного использования" никак не катит...
Customs officer:
- Ну-с, уважаемый, что везём?
Мужик молча протягивает декларацию, в которой написано: "Пальмовая роща - 1 шт.".

Один охотник другому:
- Представляешь, я сегодня одним выстрелом убил двух куропаток и двух зайцев!
- Это как это так?!!
- Да я выстрелил в куропатку - она, падая, зацепила ещё одну - и они вместе упали на зайца...
- Ну а ещё один?!
- А это меня отдачей отбросило - и я ещё одного придавил...

Согласно последнему постановлению правительства, с 1 января 2005 года на территории Росии запрещено использование несертифицированных уничтожителей бумаги. Сертифицированные модели должны быть оборудованы встроенным сканером и высокоскоростным доступом в Интернет...

Мужик приводит приятеля к врачу. Приятель слова вымолвить не может - воет.
Врач спрашивает:
- Что с ним?
- Понимаете, я его за водкой послал. Еле наскребли на пару пузырей, а он, сука такая, углядел по дороге какой-то графинчик и купил его!
- Бля! Я б ему этот графинчик в жопу запихнул бы!
- Так чего спрашиваете, если знаете?

Мужик просыпается с похмелья, голова трещит. Тут острый приступ рвоты.
Кидается к туалету. Маленькая дочка наблюдавшая процесс, произносит уч ительским голосом:
- Папа, ну кто же так КАКАЕТ!

Свадьба. Жених-садист, невеста-мазохистка. Брачная ночь. Она срывает с себя одежду и кричит:
- Возьми меня! Сейчас! Здесь! Грубо! Скорее! Я не могу больше ждать!
Он сидит, сложил руки на груди и спокойно говорит:
- Нет, ты погоди-погоди...

- Я сделал всё, чтобы вы встретили праздник безболезненно!
- Купил бицилин?!
- Нет, вазелин!

Мужчинам нравятся игрушки со множеством прибамбасов, например женщины.
Женщины могут обращаться только с очень простыми предметами, например, мужч инами.

- Здорово Ольга!
- Здорово Колян!
- Сегодня Дениса ночью не будет, он ключи мне от своей хаты оставил - пойдём туда!
- Ой!... А что мы там будем делать?
- Well? Как обычно! Ты представляешь? Всю ночь - только ты и я!!!
- Ну ладно... А как? Как обычно?
- Ну давай как обычно... только я чур за орков!

- Как тебя зовут?
- Анастасия.
- Какое длинное имя! Я не запомню. А короче нельзя?
- Ира.

Два голубых:
- Давай играть в слова!
- Come on! ЖопА!
- АнуС!
- СфинктеР!

- Ну, как прошла вечеринка?
- Ерунда полная! Меня после вечеринки Маша пригласила к себе на бокал вина.
Мы поболтали, немного посплетничали, потом она вдруг выключила свет и разделась догола. Я, конечно, сразу понял, что она очень устала и пошёл домой.

Виктор уже в пятый раз тацевал с одной и той же женщиной.
Во время последнего танца он говорит ей:
- Как вы смотрите на то, чтобы нам сегодня вечером теснее сблизиться?
- Охотно! - томно выдыхает она.
- И где же?
- Пониже пупка!

Анекдот из жизни математиков. Про комбинаторику. Наука такая, перестановки там всякие, сочетания и прочая чепуха...
Приходят к профессору два студента экзамен сдавать. По комбинаторике. В те ещё времена. Домой пришли к профессору. Сдавали, сдавали, за картами засиделись, за костями игральными. Стемнело, пришлось спать укладывать в профессорской трёхкомнатной квартире. В одной комнате - два студента, в другой - профессор с женой, в третьей - профессорская дочь.
Просыпается студент, думает - а хрен ли я с этим придурком лежу, пойду-ка профессорскую дочь навещу. Глядь в одну комнату - две головы из-под одеяла торчат, ну то профессор с женой, глядь в другую - одна голова. Дочка! Юрк к ней под одеяло, спят.
Не спится и профессору. Встаёт среди ночи - дай, думает, к дочке перелягу, мало ли что от этих балбесов ждать. Шнырь в одну комнату, две головы, - ага, студенты, шнырь в другую - одна, дочка, не иначе. Прыг - спит.
Ну, тута и второй студент проснулся, и, как вы уже догадались, отправился по стопам друга, на поиски профессорской дочки... Утро. Просыпается профессор. One. В комнате студентов. Hm ...
Заглядывает в одну комнату - там студент с дочкой, в другую - студент с женой.
Чешет репу:
- Сколько лет преподаю комбинаторику - но таких блядских перестановок ещё не видел!!!