My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories
- What is the biggest success of the socialist camp?
- He was alone, now there are two of them!
- What is the relationship between the USSR and the USA?
- Peaceful coexistence of states with different socio-political systems.
- And what are the relations of the USSR with China?
- Hostile coexistence of states with the same socio-political systems.
- Is China a member of the socialist bloc?
- Yes. Corresponding Member.
- Mom, is it true that people from a monkey originated?
- That is what I see monkeys so little has become.
- Finally, I taught my husband to bite his nails!
- How did you manage it?
- Threw out his jaw piece!
A man comes to the store. He asks: - Do you have cowards?
Saleswoman: - No.
Man: - And on sale?
- What is the relationship between the dollar, ruble and pound?
- One dollar is equal to a pound of rubles.
- What is the difference between Russian sex and French?
- French sex without underwear, and Russian - without bed.
- How does a bitch differ from a whore?
- The slut is sleeping with everyone, and the bitch is with everyone except me.
Lenin calls Dzerzhinsky:
- Felix Edmundovich! Obvious pgoiski controversy! Zatga Saturday work, and I have inflatable scorched!
At the exhibition hangs a picture of "Lenin in Poland." In the picture there is a hut from which two pairs of bare legs stick out - male and female.
- This is a hut in the flood, - explains the guide. - The legs belong to Dzerzhinsky and Krupskaya ...
Here you are not here - here you will quickly be turned off with vodka to get drunk and to disrupt disgrace.
At the command "END" the dark time comes.
The sentinel machine is sent forward to the distance of visual memory.
The signal to attack is three green whistles.
Dig a trench from me to dinner.
Tanks come in small groups of two or three people.
Our occupation is not worth a damn.
Here, as in war, they killed the commander, took the submachine gun of the other.
You live like pigs in a den.
Sergeant! You have not cut the daily, hanging on the ears.
Gathered elephants anasha smoke. And paws are round, mowers cannot be crossed. Suddenly they see elephants, the hedgehog is walking. u they to him:
- So they say so. Help us kosyachki knock off.
Hedgehog, good soul, eats, but agreed. Elephants were pleased, and went about their business. They come back, there are no anasha, and a hedgehog lying around is lying around.
- Where is anasha? !!!
And the hedgehog is so languid:
- Do not run into me big gray clouds.
Here I remembered here:
- How are you?
- Oh, I probably wrong number ... *;)
Shooting at the Navy. Volley. Distributor cries:
- 200 meters undershoot!
- Small forward! Swim up to 200 meters!
It is better to sit in a small, stuffy beer house than to work in a big bright factory.
From the explanatory note: "He called me what my dad did to me, only feminine ...".
A woman is like a sardine - without a head all is good.
Anyone who still considers women the weaker sex - let him see how they close the door in the minibus.
If the server is called rohno.net - this does not mean at all that there is no porn on it.
If you easily and simply knocked out the door with your head, then you are stupid and fat, and not strong and cool!
Before ... to see the ass ... it was necessary to move the pants .... And now?
To see the pants - you need to push the ass ....
I can not be silent when they do not listen to me!
"Walking together is fun ..." is the unofficial anthem of public toilet workers.
Sometimes you need to know for sure - what kind of person is on the other side of the condom.
Sponsor of fights without rules - juices and nectars "GOOD".
Now mothers scare their children like this: “If you behave badly, I will give you to Michael Jackson!”.
Two historians argue:
- I think, colleague, that the Trojan horse was in reality a mare!
- Well, they did not climb through the ass ...
- I want to go to my native places, papaino continue the business!
- So you will drink?
Little Red Riding Hood comes out with a strangled Wolf in her hands:
- Here, I went through the forest - and he attacked, I had to figure it out!
- But how did you manage it, Little Red Riding Hood ?!
- How red ?! (grabs the cap) - It bit all the same !!
- Most of all at the Olympics lucky our swimmers: all the guys flew home near the window!
- Morning meets us at dawn ...
- And we are pickled ...
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian came to the restaurant. All served tea. English anin spoon with sugar.
- Tink! - accidentally hit the spoon on the wall of the glass.
- Excuse me! - Hastened to say the Englishman.
- Tink !! - hit the spoon at the Frenchman.
“Sorry,” he said.
- A thousand apologies!!! - tink, tink, tink ...
- Mom, tell me - was my grandfather a proctologist?
- Your grandfather was a famous proctologist!
- Is Dad a proctologist too?
- Your dad is a wonderful proctologist!
- And when I grow up ...?
- And you, I am sure, will become an excellent proctologist!
- But I want to become a car mechanic!
- Here's another! You want all your life in the shit poking around?
- Nadezhda Yakovlevna! Once again, I strongly urge you not to allow your children to play under my windows!
- Yes, throw you, Svetlana Ivanovna. Just think - three pensioners will knock on dominoes!
Guys - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
At the crucial moment, they think more about what their tits look like ...
- Jora, bring mom a cigarette.
- Mom, I still sho you, the loader - to distribute cigarettes?
- Tripper on Deribasovskoy distribute - this is you a loader!
On the market I heard from a representative of the southern nationality:
"I have education - eight classes and for two more years I lived with a teacher ...".
Making love to a guy with a girl. The guy makes cunnilingus, rises and whispers voluptuously in her ear:
- Dessert you are my ...
A girl with an expression of Iron Felix on the face chops off:
- What kind of tenderness?
- Sorry, bitch ...
- In memory of that meeting, I keep this unopened parachute.
- Hmm! And who did you meet?
- Not with anyone, but with what ... With a shock of hay!
- I turned off the water in the country!
- How!? You have a well!
- Well yes! Last year, the rent did not pay the moles!
Be strong with a strong, with a weak affection.
What? From all one trouble?
Then throw ends, it should work fine ...
The inscription on the stall:
"Biological break 15 min."
- Vasya, and we argue for a hundred, that you won’t guess why I came to you.
- I know why you came ... To ask for money in debt.
- And no! So go ahead - drive a hundred ...
Sperm are sold. Samovysos!
- When will stop these matinees? And so in the morning sucks!
Burnt parents run up to their thirteen-year-old daughter:
- Oh, you crappy girl! Dad and I have already run around all the bars and discos! And she is at the door! Playing in the sandbox! ...
Father and son watching a striptease. On the lady were alone black gloves to the elbows.
- And what she does not remove them?
“Well, a woman should have at least some secret ...”
- Aunty, what a beautiful dress you have! What tomatoes are painted on it, cucumbers!
- Get out, boy !!! You do not see - fuck me!
- Why do we need snow?
- In order to dandruff on my head was!
By the way, there is also the Bloody Misha cocktail.
Ingredients: same Masha, only with eggs ...
When interviewing women: "Would they have sex if they had not experienced an orgasm?"
"- the following responses were received:
20% - yes;
20% - no;
60% - what is an orgasm?
Two friends are discussing women:
- This Tatiana is so good in bed, I have never had anyone better!
- And who is in second place?
- And on the third?
- Well, who, my wife, of course.
- Too good in bed?
- Well ... Well, it is inconvenient to somehow leave my wife without a prize place.
“Ah, Pierre, you can't even imagine what treasure you take,” says the woman to the future son-in-law. “In the evenings it does not come out, a virgin angel, God forgive me, books and prayers are the only entertainment.” And her room is more modest than the monkish cell, let's go take a look.
They enter the room and see: a table, a chair, a bed, and nothing more.
The only exotic is a cage with a parrot.
The parrot, having seen the guests, immediately started and howled:
-... Tr-rrr-ahay be quiet !!! Maman is not sleeping !!! ...
Pierre is shocked, mom faints, and the parrot:
-... In LJ-o-oop, goat !!!! I'm still getting married! ...
As you know, people perceive incoming information in different ways ...
Basically, there are three types of people: audials, visuals and kinesthetics.
Audials are those who perceive information by ear, visuals perceive with eyes, and kinesthetics by skin and body.
So, kinesthetics are just dofig. Too many people while in the eblo will not get - do not understand the fucking ...
Three French businessmen aged 50, 60 and 80 decided to relax in a restaurant.
- Let's just not talk about business, we must digress.
Let's talk about women.
50 year old man:
- The most beautiful place for a woman is her legs. When I look at them, it makes me aesthetic pleasure. Male 60 years:
“And for me, these are breasts.” When I look at them, I'm just thrilled. A man of 80 years old interrupts them and squeaks with his old voice:
- Gentlemen, gentlemen! You are not talking about that. The woman has something else ... I do not remember, but Sharman, gentlemen, Sharman!
A little man came from a business trip and brings an account of the business trip to the accountant, and there on the first line is "1. Hat - 10.000 Krb.", And then everything goes as it should ...
His accountant asks, "What kind of hat." And he: "Yes, that's bought on a business trip." The accountant says to him: "The report will not work - rewrite" The little man went and rewrote - now the "hat" is in the middle of the list.
The accountant again did not accept, demanded to rewrite. For the third time he brings, reads an accountant, but there is no hat in the list: “Where is the hat?” And the man answers: “And there she is, only you will find her hell.”
So, it was in the circus. Entertainer enters the arena and says:
- Now the boy with a phenomenal memory will drink a bucket of water!
A boy runs out and drinks a bucket of water. After some time, the entertainer comes out again and says:
- Now the boy with a phenomenal memory will drink a bucket of water again! A boy runs out into the arena, drinks a bucket of water and runs off. After a while, the entertainer enters the arena and says:
- Now a boy with a phenomenal memory is obossyt all sitting in the first row.
I warn you, it's useless to run, he has a phenomenal memory!
How can you trust the inner voice if he always whispers to oversleep work?
With a slight movement of the hand the dance floor turns into a ring ...
Never have to lie! We must always try to tell the truth and only deceive with it.
It is better to sit in a small, stuffy beer house than to work in a big bright factory.
Do you want Siberian health? Then come to us in Siberia. To the mines!
There is only one advantage in having a woman boss, she can have her ...
The word << airplane >> comes from the Greek << air >> - air and Uzbek << plan >> - to fly.
It is strange why in the public toilet smells like a staircase ...
If you meet this in the forest, consider that your pants are missing ...
Salvage melts before our eyes, and if you turn away, it disappears altogether!
Razor Niva: one day - and you are a widow.
- Alice, having been in the Looking Glass, decided not to stop there. And went to the bedside table, Zadivane, Feast, Binge and Marry.
- A new action from the President of Ukraine Leonid Kuchma: think up a funny excuse for him to stay for one more term - and you will get a player, felt-tip pens and a good friend as a gift!
- New time - new signs. If a cool businessman put a jeep in front of a casino, and then left the casino and rode a trolley bus, then he put it in the wrong place.
- So! Everything, we start to shoot. Do you know your role? MOTOR!
- I played bunnies for 20 years - do you think I will not play the motor?
- I had such a case in the village ...
- In short!
- My daughter is 3 years old.
- Hey, do as I said! Turn right!
- Do not listen to him! To the left, come on!
- No, right!
- Take the left! You, fool, listen to me!
Voice announcer: "You listened to the radio play" Two Captains ".
The sounds of a merry feast - the sound of forks, glasses, bottles, gurgling, champing, music.
- Vasya, where is yours?
- I went to rest, it will not be a week!
Voice announcer: "You listened to the radio play" One-home-2. "
The inscription on the tombstone:
Petrov Oleg Pavlovich 1970-1990
Petrova Olga Pavlovna 1990-2002
This person has lived 2 short, but very rich lives!
- Guys! Right here and now tell me: homosexuality - is this normal !?
- Well, yes, in principle, normal ...
- Hello? Mama? Yes, yes - I'm fine!
Yesterday, the famous illusionist David Copperfield passed through the Kremlin wall. In the wall he was met: Comrade Gromyko, Comrade Suslov and other officers.
- Man, miss?
- Not by that much...
- Honey, let's have sex!
- Damn, why do you always think about sex?
- Because football is not soon !!!
- And our guest is stupid and inexplicable.
- Hello - tell me why you are stupid?
- Uh, I can not explain ...
- Is it a radio? My mother-in-law, Lyubov Sergeyevna, has an anniversary today.
- What to pass to her?
- Nothing! She herself will sing with me soon !!
- Ivan the Terrible! You're a fool!!
- What are you - I put you on a stake?
- Oh, I'm stuck ...
Country house. Scream from the attic:
- Mom, and boys from boys can have children?
- Of course not...
- So, boys - we continue!
Matured Volka. And the Old Man-Hottabych had to look for a young boy.
- Lord, you have shadows under your eyes! Drank all night again?
- Yes! Oh, it sucks me ... I take it until dinner - and there I will get drunk, or something ...
Voice announcer: "You listened to the radio play" Shadows disappear at noon. "
- Caesar - they say you can do several things at the same time? - Asked the emperor once his mistress.
“Of course,” he smiled indulgently. - Now, for example, I love you and at the same time change my wife.
"... You left, you went to Petersburgburg, and you came to Pydrograd ...".
- Girl, let me use your copy machine?
- And what should I copy?
- DNA ...
And remember, Cinderella - exactly at 12 o'clock the magic will end.
And then you will hit the Hawk ...
From the recommendation:
... in group sex for someone else's back is not hiding.
“Why are your parties so funny, and nobody goes to my parties?”
- Dosya, the main thing is good powder!
Bought two wino bottle and pretend where to drink.
- Let's go to the playground, there is cultural, the benches are!
Another object to him:
- Why are you - in the same children?
- What - will laugh out loud and brazenly tease?
- No, they will quietly cry and ask plaintively ...
The man in the pharmacy:
- Give me a pack of aminazine ...
- We can not sell it to you: it is a very strong sedative, it is sold only by prescription.
- Well, okay ... Give then a box of potassium permanganate - I will blow these Martians to fucking ...
- Will you drink?
- And if I run away?
- Nata! Cow! Go here! Stir rolls!
- Escuzumua, gentlemen - Papa's name is!
- Why are you crying, baby?
- My dog ran away!
- And where do you live?
- This is only my dog knows!
- Dear - more, more!
-... already ...
I'm not a prostitute like!
Why then fuck me ?!
The prisoner escapes from prison, where he spent the last 15 years. He runs along the road and suddenly notices a house in the suburbs. He bursts into it and finds a young married couple in the bedroom. He grabs the husband, ties him to the chair, ties his wife to the bed, climbs on her, kisses her on the neck and goes to the bathroom.
While he is not there, the husband says to his wife:
- Listen, this frame is an escaped criminal, he most likely spent a lot of time in prison. And, probably, for years did not see the woman. I saw him kiss you on the neck. If he wants sex - do not resist, just do what he tells you, give him pleasure. This dude is dangerous, if he gets angry - he can kill us ... Be strong, dear. I love you!
- He did not kiss my neck ... He whispered in my ear that during the years in prison he liked boys more and that you are very sexy. And he asked me where we kept Vaseline. And I said that in the bathroom ... So be strong, dear. I love you!
Knocked over our pilot over Vietnam. Began to interrogate:
What are the technical data of the MiG-17? He said nothing. Then they traded for a downed American. Bring him to his native military school as a hero. Well, his cadets and ask how there in captivity. "Yes, everything is nothing, just teach, men, materiel - they ask there."
Soviet instructor teaches Syrians new Soviet tank.
- Here is the first reverse gear, the second rear, the third rear, the first front ...
- And why the front?
- Fool! What if the Jews come from the rear!
Paratroopers are flying in the plane, the officer goes to them and says:
- Guys, we all fly to Afgan to fight
The guys gloom so ... But the officer is still:
- But for the head of each killed dushman we will pay a premium - $ 1000 !!!
The plane is landing, paratroopers scattered. The officer alone, his mouth open, stands near the plane. After 30 minutes, the paratroopers returned, pulling ligaments of heads. The officer faints:
- Guys, we sat down in Tashkent to refuel ...
Helen! How do ytks fly ?!
- Ducks? Ducks fly around the door!
- Shoals? Shoals are five!
Vassenka! How do cars drive ?!
- Cars ? Cars drive on wheels!
- on wheels? There are five wheels!
Little Johnny! How do cows feed?
- Cows? Cows graze on the grass!
- On the grass? On the grass - it's five!
What is your last name ?
- Kosyachkov? Kosyachkov is five!
Five, Kosyachkov! Five Kosyachkov (puff, puff) - this is set off!
Two sit y TV, just watch Maria.
-It isn’t even likely that y of the Baby are from Betto.
- Truth, Truth. Concert y Napoleon, his chief executive never lies.
The hotel administrator tells the client:
-If you do not prove to me that this is your wife, I can’t move you together.
-And if you want to prove that this is not my wife, I would thank you to the death of ..
The engineer husband says to his wife:
“Could you give me a recipe for this pie?” He would make a real revolution in the cement industry.
- What did your wife say when she noticed you kissing a neighbor?
- Imagine nothing. And it was time for me to remove those two teeth long ago.
After the events in Kuwait. The husband comes home and frantically begins to pack his bags. His wife asks:
- Where are you going?
- Leaving for Kuwait. There all the men were interrupted and any woman for being with a man once, paying $ 20!
The wife did not answer, shrugged her shoulders and began to pack things too. The husband looks at her in surprise and asks:
- And where are you going?
- I'll go with you, see how you live on $ 40 a month.
If they put you on cancer, it means that you are more useful ...
First there was a bit, then a byte, and only then the word appeared.
Alcohol, of course, is not the answer - but when you drink it, you forget all the questions!
If you are late for work, you can easily and quickly cook two stains on the floor using two eggs.
Oil paint stains will not be so noticeable on your clothes if you don’t wear them anymore.
Connect the doorbell to the telephone set. Then, looking at the peephole - you can find out who is calling you by phone ...
I would learn Russian only because I spoke it in my childhood.
A good man will not keep bad air in himself ...
It's a shame when you're all so beautiful, and no one looks at you, but it's more unpleasant if you have no worse place - and everyone is staring at you!
If you are reproached for sticking your leg, you need to be indignant and exclaim: “No, you put me on the trip up!”.
Life constantly puts you before a choice: is it better to be able to smell or not to stink?
Show "Who wants to be a millionaire?".
- Name the well-known measure of the length of three letters, equal to about 30 centimeters!
- Uh-uh! Hm!
- I prompted! the second letter is at. Think! No, wrong - it's a foot!
Country boy rides the subway. Opposite him sits a large-sized girl with a semi-nude breast and chewing gum. The guy stared at her ...
The girl took a defiant pose and brazenly asked:
- Well, I liked it, drooling saliva, huh?
The embarrassed guy replies:
- I then thought - if you were a cow - oh, there would be milk ...
One computer geek calls another:
- What are you doing?
- Fuck ...
- With what?
Yesterday watched Klitschko fight with Danny Williams ...
Oh my God!
And THESE people advertise to us shampoo ?!
We make circumcision.
Painless, fast and inexpensive!
When re-ordering a 50% discount!
In the park are well-dressed husband and wife. Suddenly they see a man on the bench with a bubble of port and traces of former intelligence on his face.
- Wow! This is my ex spouse! Five years ago I left him! He still drinks!
- You're lying! So long do not celebrate!
- What is your whole hand dirty, and two fingers are clean?
- And today I learned to whistle!
- Son, what are you reading?
- "Thousand and One Nights."
- Thousand and One Nights?! Nichrome yourself pricing!
- Pan Jacek, how will come in Polish "Come"?
- Come on!
- A "leave"?
- Fuck up!
- Listen, I also acted in porn!
- No, no, I play good there!
11-year-old girl - mother:
- Mom, and if I get pregnant, I will not go to school?
- No, I definitely will not go, otherwise I will get a bad grade, I get nervous - and, well, let me lose my baby!
Two men are talking:
- Yesterday I bought a vibrator with a guarantee for my wife in a sex shop.
- Like this?
- Well, the master said that if he breaks, I will not have to do anything, he will come and do everything himself ...
A man comes to travel agency:
- I have long dreamed of visiting Paris! Beautiful girls, the atmosphere of love, the aromas of erotica! Do you understand me, of course ?! What do you think, what time is the most suitable for such a visit?
- Try to get to Paris before you turn sixty.
After that, everything looks completely different there!
“You have committed a terrible misdemeanor: you offended your neighbor with the most disgusting expletives, dragged him deep into the woods and beat you very much there!” Don't you think you’ve gone too far ?!
- It's right! He had to otlupit still on the edge!
From the news feed.
Due to the insufficient financing of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation by order of the Minister of Defense, the military is allowed to fight on the side of the enemy in his spare time.
Two girls open the door of the bus. Driver:
- In the sense of one place.
“Why are your fingers so long?” You probably play the piano? - No, my test tubes.
The secretary is asked by a colleague from the office: - Why is Ivan Petrovich in your letters "respected", and Andrei Ivanovich - "respected". - Andrei Ivanovich is longer!
- Where are you going? - I'm in the toilet ... - In a big or small way? - In the middle ... - It's like ??? - And this is dysentery ...
The teacher comes into the classroom and says: - Children, the copier broke down in the staff room, so today we will write a dictation! Open notebooks and write! Invoice-faq-ra ...
- When a person comes to this world, they put a tag on his arm. - When he dies, he also gets a tag. - New promotion! If the numbers on the two tags match!
What is the main mistake of Russian political consultants in Ukraine? You see, when Rasputin did not take poison, he was shot ...
- You are more careful with him, you need him in the eye and in the eye ....
Germany. A tourist bus, full of tourists from Israel, stands on the road. The German driver, having turned, goes to the nearest house and knocks on the door. The old man opens, and the driver turns to him:
- Hey, grandfather, help me, I got a full bus with Jews here broken ...
“Well, what can I do for you?” I only have a microwave ...
Two Estonian friends walk along the river bank and see a girl sitting on the other side of the river who is fishing.
One of the friends shouted:
- What are you catching?
“Men,” the girl joked.
- Why are you then sitting on the bait? - the Estonian prikolnulsya in the answer.
They went on, and after a couple of minutes the second friend suddenly laughed:
- Wow, you told her! But how did you know ?!
Petka approaches Vasily Ivanovich and asks:
- Vasily Ivanovich, what is the nuance?
- How would you explain, Petka ... Well, let's become cancer, take off your pants.
Petka becomes, takes off his pants, Vasily Ivanovich puts a tool on the most tomatoes and says:
- Look, Petka, you have a member in the ass and I have a member in the ass - but there is one NUANCE ...
Elderly husband with a charming young wife come to the movies. Sit down.
Five minutes later, the guy sitting next to this wife puts her hand on her knee. Then on the chest. Then he carefully climbs under her skirt ...
The lady sitting in the back does not stand up to such a spectacle and leans towards her husband in front of her:
- Sorry - but I want to draw your attention that your wife ...
- Yes, I know ... When we go to the movies together - always the same. What should I do? If you leave her alone at home, it is even worse, then it’s a fuck!
Dasha, are you ready?
- Now, Mom, only Fublya take.
The daughter takes her out of the room and shows her mother an incredibly disgusting doll - scary, disheveled and soiled. Mother, involuntarily:
- Ugh, fuck!
- Just about, mummy, daddy also calls the doll so.
Village. Night. In the hut the old man’s father is laid on the stove. Almost falls asleep, but through the slumber he hears the young ones stirring downstairs. The old man, falling asleep, chuckles to himself: ... oh, moldiness, youth ... And below they whisper: - let's stand - well, let's - and let's sit there - let's go - let's go from above - let's - let's go with cancer - come on - come on kandribobikom - come on Opa !!! The old man already threw up, Th for the case - never heard. Give me a look! He bent down, peering - to see nothing ... darkness. Leaves on ... not to see ... further ... not to see ... He bent, bent, until he flew off the shelf. The noise of the whole house ... tubs, sticks, pots, pots all picked up on the way. Rose somehow, side scratches, trying to crawl back. At this time, the daughter with a fright asks: - What happened, daddy? ... - Nitsche did not happen, daughter, you just need to eat like a human!
The farmer goes out into the yard in the morning, looks intently into the distance and thinks: "So, I milked the cows, asked the horses what else ... Damn, I have a woman not @ ban!"
- You scum, monster, disgusting disgusting type! You ruined my whole life! Fuck up all the most luminous feelings, narcissist, vile selfish! Nothingness! I can not look at you! Kiss Me!!! - Dear ... uh ... you know ... I'm not ready yet to have children ... - Here's the fucking pull out !!! ONLY TRY IT !!!
A little boy rushes around the apartment. Drops books off the sideboard, throws clothes, knocks over chairs. The nurse comes running and asks: - What are you doing? - I play a game - Which one? - "Fuck your mother where the keys to the car" !!!
A veteran tells young people about how Berlin took. And it comes to the story of the German women ... "And the women of the Germans, sons, I tell you ... lustful and hunted men ... It happens in the house with a foot you knock out the door, rush inside, turn from the machine into the ceiling, give they are shaking, so they want to fuck! "
A conversation in the trolley bus: - Is your Yeltsin on the rails? - Will your Zhirinovsky lie down? - lie down! - Hurry up!
We met two pryyatelya, not seen for about 30 years. First of all, he counted in the house of the second 16 children. “You must be living very well with your wife,” noted the first pryatiel. - What are you talking about? - replied to the second - a small, humble man of about forty years. - She constantly yells and spins me. To be honest, I fear it like a fire. - Then why did you send only children? - And in the crowd it is easier to rub off!
A five-year-old boy went to the phone:
- Call dad or mom.
- They're not home.
- Is there anyone else?
- Yes, my sister.
- Call her, please.
After a pause, the boy picked up the phone again:
- She is too heavy. I can't get her out of the stroller.
Lawyers are so expensive that it is easier to buy a judge.
Islam and Judaism for muzhik - this self-mutilation.
The axis of evil, and the bees are good!
What is a goat? This is a man who is not interested in anything except << cabbage >> ...
I am not the Ministry of Health - but I warn you!
I will cover you with your body, do not be alarmed!
Those who go to bed early and get up early will get some wealth and a hump!
You can’t have money at the same time and they don’t have it.
The shortest day is Monday, I did not have time to wake up, and it was time to leave work.
When not paying a salary, there are only two ways to save yourself and your nerves:
either not to go to work, or not to go home!
The theory is dry, and practice is drunk.
Of all the dogs running across the road, the tax is the least likely.
Женщины, знающие себе цену, пасутся на Тверской.
The wedding night.
- Оп-па!.. То есть - ой!
- Эй, сделай личико попроще!
- Не могу...
- Папочка! Ты же обещал сводить меня сегодня в зоопарк?
- Ещё чего! Хватит с тебя на эту неделю развлечений! Вчера ты видел драку, позавчера пожар...
Вам никто не звонит?
Не приходят SМS-ки от друзей?
Положите на мобильник!
- Светка - не говори так, а то будешь всю жизнь в девках сидеть!
- Ой, Жанка, можно подумать, что ты вся в пацанах?!
- Ты мне изменяла?
- Не почеловечески как-то...
Сидят Петро и Микола, пьют горилку, закусывают салом с чесноком...
- Мыкола, сажи мени - и на хера он за собой эту блядь таскае?!!
- Петро, мы же домовылысь: за столом о политике - ни слова...
Российские учёные в созвездии Большой Медведицы обнаружили новую звезду!
Теперь созвездие планируют переименовать в Большого Медведя...
Секс по телефону:
- Парень, тебе точно больше 18-ти?
- Да, тётя...
Самолёт из Африки садится в Шереметьево. На борту мужик. В багаже груз - 100 банановых пальм. Таможенники, получив информацию об этом, находятся в предвкушении хорошего развода мужика на бабло: как-никак 100 пальм это ж коммерческая партия и для "личного использования" никак не катит...
- Ну-с, уважаемый, что везём?
Мужик молча протягивает декларацию, в которой написано: "Пальмовая роща - 1 шт.".
Один охотник другому:
- Представляешь, я сегодня одним выстрелом убил двух куропаток и двух зайцев!
- Это как это так?!!
- Да я выстрелил в куропатку - она, падая, зацепила ещё одну - и они вместе упали на зайца...
- Ну а ещё один?!
- А это меня отдачей отбросило - и я ещё одного придавил...
Согласно последнему постановлению правительства, с 1 января 2005 года на территории Росии запрещено использование несертифицированных уничтожителей бумаги. Сертифицированные модели должны быть оборудованы встроенным сканером и высокоскоростным доступом в Интернет...
Мужик приводит приятеля к врачу. Приятель слова вымолвить не может - воет.
- Что с ним?
- Понимаете, я его за водкой послал. Еле наскребли на пару пузырей, а он, сука такая, углядел по дороге какой-то графинчик и купил его!
- Бля! Я б ему этот графинчик в жопу запихнул бы!
- Так чего спрашиваете, если знаете?
Мужик просыпается с похмелья, голова трещит. Тут острый приступ рвоты.
Кидается к туалету. Маленькая дочка наблюдавшая процесс, произносит уч ительским голосом:
- Папа, ну кто же так КАКАЕТ!
Свадьба. Жених-садист, невеста-мазохистка. Брачная ночь. Она срывает с себя одежду и кричит:
- Возьми меня! Сейчас! Здесь! Грубо! Скорее! Я не могу больше ждать!
Он сидит, сложил руки на груди и спокойно говорит:
- Нет, ты погоди-погоди...
- Я сделал всё, чтобы вы встретили праздник безболезненно!
- Купил бицилин?!
- Нет, вазелин!
Мужчинам нравятся игрушки со множеством прибамбасов, например женщины.
Женщины могут обращаться только с очень простыми предметами, например, мужч инами.
- Здорово Ольга!
- Здорово Колян!
- Сегодня Дениса ночью не будет, он ключи мне от своей хаты оставил - пойдём туда!
- Ой!... А что мы там будем делать?
- Ну что? Как обычно! Ты представляешь? Всю ночь - только ты и я!!!
- Ну ладно... А как? Как обычно?
- Ну давай как обычно... только я чур за орков!
- What's your name?
- Какое длинное имя! Я не запомню. А короче нельзя?
- Давай играть в слова!
- Давай! ЖопА!
- Ну, как прошла вечеринка?
- Ерунда полная! Меня после вечеринки Маша пригласила к себе на бокал вина.
Мы поболтали, немного посплетничали, потом она вдруг выключила свет и разделась догола. Я, конечно, сразу понял, что она очень устала и пошёл домой.
Виктор уже в пятый раз тацевал с одной и той же женщиной.
Во время последнего танца он говорит ей:
- Как вы смотрите на то, чтобы нам сегодня вечером теснее сблизиться?
- Охотно! - томно выдыхает она.
- И где же?
- Пониже пупка!
Анекдот из жизни математиков. Про комбинаторику. Наука такая, перестановки там всякие, сочетания и прочая чепуха...
Приходят к профессору два студента экзамен сдавать. По комбинаторике. В те ещё времена. Домой пришли к профессору. Сдавали, сдавали, за картами засиделись, за костями игральными. Стемнело, пришлось спать укладывать в профессорской трёхкомнатной квартире. В одной комнате - два студента, в другой - профессор с женой, в третьей - профессорская дочь.
Просыпается студент, думает - а хрен ли я с этим придурком лежу, пойду-ка профессорскую дочь навещу. Глядь в одну комнату - две головы из-под одеяла торчат, ну то профессор с женой, глядь в другую - одна голова. Дочка! Юрк к ней под одеяло, спят.
Не спится и профессору. Встаёт среди ночи - дай, думает, к дочке перелягу, мало ли что от этих балбесов ждать. Шнырь в одну комнату, две головы, - ага, студенты, шнырь в другую - одна, дочка, не иначе. Прыг - спит.
Ну, тута и второй студент проснулся, и, как вы уже догадались, отправился по стопам друга, на поиски профессорской дочки... Утро. Просыпается профессор. One. В комнате студентов. Хм...
Заглядывает в одну комнату - там студент с дочкой, в другую - студент с женой.
- Сколько лет преподаю комбинаторику - но таких блядских перестановок ещё не видел!!!