This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

The shortest telegram home: $ O $.
Do not wishful thinking!
Clinton's fingerprint found on the clitoris of the Statue of Liberty.
I feel so good with you that - that's all, thanks, I went!
Angry at his neighbor? Buy a drum for his child.
A lottery is not a hunt for luck, it is a hunt for losers.
Quick response perfectly replaces good manners.
If you’re not sure, take a bigger hammer.
Remember the golden rule - those who have gold rule.
What takes the least time and the most trouble is called sex.
If you don't have eggs, you need one who has two.
Eternal main questions of Russia: "What to do?", "Who is to blame?" and "What the fuck?"

The UMS operator has the largest coverage in Ukraine. It is obscured by 90% of subscribers.
One aunt was coded for obesity. I even changed the route to work, so as not to pass by my favorite pastry shop ...
And then one morning she appeared in the office with a huge cake.
“Imagine,” he says, “today I accidentally drove past the confectionery, and saw this wonderful cake in the window ... And then I called to the Almighty:
God, if you want me to eat this cake, give a sign - for example, make it so that there is a free parking space nearby! And imagine: it turned out there ... after eight laps ... !!

The programmer received a bonus and decided to spend on a new computer, but his wife decided differently:
- No, how many years I sleep on an old bed, I want an Arab bed - I can’t even finish on these mattresses ...
- What are you, my dear, I’ll think about how much it costs - I can’t even start ...
A boy stands on the subway platform and mutters thoughtfully:
- What I thought, what happened ... What I thought, what happened ...
His friend comes up and asks:
- What did you think? What happened?
The boy replies:
- When dad and mom separated, I thought I would stay with dad. Dad will bring a young one - then dad will be her, then I, then her dad, then I ...
But it turned out - he stayed with his mother: the young mother brought - then he is mom, then me, then mom, then me ...

It is really worth considering whether life was a success, if in the morning, checking the mail, you are happy with new letters, and they are all from the Center for American English.

For 50 bucks I’ll remove the slam that you are a sucker.
You will have to contact periodically.
Roster & Gamble bought Gillet.
Now gaskets not only with wings, but also with blades!
2006 year ...
Belarus ...
COLORADIAN revolution ...

“Do these shoes have a guarantee?”
- Of course.
- And how many kicks?
An experienced drinking companion will maintain a conversation on relevant topics: "Women - fools", "Football, hockey", "How who got drunk."
Possible home and work.
- You're a spitting Pushkin!
- Yes, I'm curly too!
- Yeah ... and I really want to shoot ...
- Friend, I heard that you no longer go with Vasya?
- My doctor does not allow me ...
- And by what right does the doctor interfere in your personal life ?!
- She is his wife!
The boss discovers that his blonde secretary is filled with bitter tears.
“What is it, my dear?”
- They just called me and informed that my mother passed away!
- Oh, my God - what a sorrow! If you want, go home!
- Not. I will stay at work, it will be easier for me to pack up ...
After a while, the boss decides to visit the secretary and discovers her just in hysterics:
- My sister called and said that her mother also died !!!
Correspondent:
- Boris Abramovich, what do you have to do with publications in your free independent press?
Berezovsky:
- Who pays, he orders the music. But if you are about the rain promised for the weekend, then I did not dictate it!

- Well, what kind of press conference is this ?! - Kirkorov was indignant in St. Petersburg. “Not even a fuck to send!”
When Metelkin returned home in the morning, his wife greeted him with thunderous applause, turning into slaps in the face.
When a man yawns with his mouth wide open, he shows his lack of culture.
When a woman yawns with her mouth wide open, she shows her abilities. But for some men there are exceptions ...
On a nudist beach, two friends:
“What I like most here is thieves.”
-?
“I finished three times yesterday, while he was looking for where I could hide my wallet!”
The Russian Foreign Ministry called the allegations of anti-Semitism artificial.
"These are all Jewish intrigues!" - said the official representative of the Russian Foreign Ministry, Alexander Yakovenko.
My stepmother sent her stepdaughter for snowdrops ...
And this fool filled up the whole barn with corpses!
A young employee turns to the system administrator:
- Can you explain to me how in NTFS format automatic disk defragmentation occurs?
The system administrator instructively answers her:
- Well, why bother with such trifles, because you're a blonde!
- Something today after work, you look very tired. Probably too difficult a crossword puzzle got ...
The doctor at the bedside:
- Yes, the situation is not simple ... You have hemiplegia!
- Hemiplegia? What is it?!
- Well, this means that your entire right half does not work ...
- And everything on my left will work?
- Yes, everything on your left will work fine.
The patient begins to do something with his healthy hand under the covers.
“What are you doing down there with your hand ?!”
- So, doctor, you need to urgently save what you can ...
- Do you have household appliances indesit?
- No, not an indesit ... But what - should an indesit ?!
- Girl, can you be seen?
- This conducts - then you will not collect gaskets ...
Once upon a time, a gynecologist worked in one of the district women's clinics in Kiev. Handsome, handsome man. He had a sweet habit: when a lady sat in a chair according to the order and took the appropriate pose, the doctor, putting on gloves, approached her, singing a line from the Ukrainian song popular in those years
- All your beauty is a miracle in my sight!
From life ... The line went to the counter. One comrade, propping his glasses on the bridge of his nose with his finger, asked the seller:
- Excuse me, would you be so kind as to give us one bottle of vodka and one bottle of Salute? Thanks in advance.
The seller went for the goods, and another comrade, with a briefcase, turned to the first:
- Listen, Nikolay! Why don't we just take two bottles of vodka?
The first answered:
- You see, Vladimir ... To fuck this whore - you need, unfortunately, champagne ...
Arab sheikh traveled to Europe and fell in love with a European. Here her dad tells his friends:
“In short, he tells me - if you give her in marriage to me, I will pay for her as much gold as she weighs.” Well, I’m answering him that there’s no need to rush in such a matter, we’ll talk in a month ...
- Yes, you're right, these sheikhs with their strange laws ... here you need to think ...
Dad: - There’s no need to think. Here it is necessary to feed the girl!
Still, there is something suspicious in the name of the newspaper "Fisherman's Fisherman" ...
It doesn’t matter that you can’t get juice from bananas, but you can buy it in a store.
Kirkorov, probably saw a pink blouse on Pugacheva?
The tale of how a Bulgarian taught an Armenian to "cook Russian" ...
The current situation clearly shows that any KGB officer can rule the state. How? Yes, no worse than any cook!
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch is just an Austrian writer, and how SOUND!
The electric shaver burned out, the flower pot of roses cracked, instant coffee ran out ...
Where does the world go at all ...
I bought calcium gluconate in a pharmacy, mixed it with calcium - nevermind, calcium had no glitches.
In connection with the breakdown of the supercomputer for creating photobots, the Office of Internal Affairs invites people with rich facial expressions to work.
The meaning of the Formula 1 race is to keep up with the Schumacher machine.
If a horse tells you that you are crazy, then that is the way it is.
A couple of weeks of work of the Russian media - and the Russians will sincerely believe that Russia supported V. Yushchenko in the elections in Ukraine.
The nervous day in the office ended for the businessman with an unpleasant message from his wife that their housekeeper was taking the calculation.
“And who is to blame?” he asked gloomily.
- Of course you! - the wife was indignant. - She said that you called and expressed yourself extremely insulting ...
- Damn it! I was sure that I was talking to you ...
In ancient times, hockey was played with axes.
Therefore, experienced players did not come to matches ...
Any desires disappear over time, even if they are not realized.
If desire does not disappear, but only intensifies, then it becomes mania.
The most common mania among people is the desire to live well.
Three businessmen are sitting in a cell, bazaars:
- What are you sitting for?
- For the bath. Massage, video ...
- And you?
- I'm for the pharmacy. Herbs, pills ...
- I see ... What are you doing for? - They are looking at the third.
- For a recruitment agency.
- What did you do?
- Recruitment.
- Uh ..., I don’t understand ?! And then they planted for what?
- For the slave trade ...
Two aristocrats were sentenced to death. It was their last day.
They are standing in front of the executioner.
One says to the other:
- What an uncomfortable situation! I don’t even know how much to give him for a h ...
“Are you free this Saturday night?”
- No, busy.
- And what are you going to do?
- That and always.
- Namely?
- Tear up lottery tickets!
- Ahhhh! Fuck you! Dear, what was that? !!!!
- Coffee to bed, honey ...

Few people know ...
That for the conception of the traffic police inspector you need a striped condom and a safety pin.

- Took a sample of a thousand islands sauce.
- And How?
- Imagine, two are not enough.
... For sale ZAZ-968M Vrabus.
Timeline.
Yushchenko agreed with Putin on his support for Yanukovych in the 2006 parliamentary elections to guarantee his victory ...
A hefty ambal slows down a man in the gateway:
- You will not recognise me?
- Not..
Ambal, taking out a knife:
- I will be rich ...
- What is the oldest nation in the world?
- Moroccan. From them came the monkeys.
Egyptian and Mexican pyramids, Stonehenge, statues of Easter Island ...
Each nation has its own Tsereteli.
Head of Human Resources:
- When you come together with your mistress, you create a new job ...
Crime Chronicle:
A daring robbery of a sex shop was committed tonight. Stolen goods totaling about twenty meters!
The wife declares to her husband, a passionate hunter:
- Choose, dear, or I, or your hunt!
Husband, after a long silence:
“Okay, well, do you want me to hunt you today?”
- What are you so worried about?
- Yes, I’m thinking how in a one-room apartment you can accommodate seventy-five people invited by a wife to our wedding anniversary ...
“So what is your date?”
- No, my wife is a fool!
- Katya, did you have a constructor in your childhood?
- No, I liked sailing sailors more.
A patient:
- Doctor, I probably have heavy metal poisoning?
Doctor looking at test results:
- Why do you think so?
A patient:
- Just shit in the water drowning stone ...
The privileges of Russian officials should be greatly reduced!
And then the governors will buy up the entire English Premier League ...

- Who watched a horror movie yesterday?
- I.
- Go and clean up after yourself.
- Maybe let's go order pizza and get fucked? Not?! Do you like pizza ?!
From life.
We recently drink beer with a friend, we decided to buy fish. Well, they bought salmon sticks.
But the sticks themselves were shocked not so much as the advertising inscription on them: "Noble and beautiful - a couple of sticks for beer!".
Unwittingly think about it ...
How to distinguish a fake dollar from the present?
A fake dollar issues a stamp of doubt on the face of the American president ...
- Why do you have so often military coups in Africa?
- So this is cheaper than the election.
From life.
I have one friend, Natasha - a small, pretty girl who looks not at her 24 - at best, pulls at 16 ...
Once she stands at a bus stop, the bus is waiting, respectively.
Glasses, a jacket, a backpack. Schoolgirl and only. A very tipsy uncle, 30 years old, came up to her and, trying to look into her eyes, unobtrusively, almost insinuatingly, but with interest asks:
- Girl ... Have you fucked already?
To which Natasha, lowering her glasses with a finger to the tip of her nose and staring into his eyes, calmly and absolutely childishly replies: - No, uncle ... So far, I am only waiting for the bus!

Lord Gd decided to improve matters in Russian medicine and got a job as a district doctor in a polyclinic ...
The first patient comes to see him - a paralytic in a wheelchair. God lays his hands on his head and says:
- Get up and go!
He got up and went ...
He goes into the corridor, there is a turn to the street, they ask him:
- Well, how's the new one?
- Yes, like all of them - I didn’t even measure the pressure ...

According to unverified data from unnamed sources received unconfirmed information that wished to remain anonymous
Labor made a man out of a monkey and it must happen that he is my boss
The man! Help your wife clean the apartment - raise your legs when she vacuums!
Do not be born beautiful, but have a ugly girlfriend
Maturity comes when "Hey man!" And not "Young man!"
The minus is already half the plus, and the plus is, at times, two whole minuses ...
The most religious propaganda among the Rastafarians at every traffic light
If a guy with a girl went to the forest for berries and the guy returns contented, it means that there were not enough berries
Husbands come in two categories: faithful and honest
We no longer expect a miracle from the government, but only wait for it to stop fishing
Everyone sees dreams, but not everyone sleeps at this time
Woman's dream is to be a woman of dreams
Happiness is the first year after the first divorce
The millionaire is an example to all the guys!
It's hard to find a black man in a dark room, especially if his eyes are gouged out and his teeth are broken
Moderation is good in everything, including moderation
It’s easier not to let us in than to kick us out!
There is such a profession - to protect yourself from the homeland!
Ad. The firm needs sweaty girls (scary and without a waist) to test deodorants
There are no ugly men, there are poor people!
When you stand on the edge of the abyss for too long, you can call this region native
I ate President oil, but I never became president. He smoked a pack of Attache cigarettes, but the attaché never worked out of me. And only when I drank "Kozel" beer, I felt like it was starting to act ...
The troupe of the musical "Cats" was dismissed in full strength because she often went to the director on the carpet
If the result does not depend on the solution scheme, then this is mathematics, and if it depends, then this is accounting
Not a gossip, but a word of mouth journalist
At the collective farm meeting, the Lenin Way collective farm was decided to be renamed the Putin Sloth collective farm
Do not know how to ride - do not buy the right!
To find a common language with a person, sometimes you need to be able to be silent
The dictionary of children's profanity has been released. Now you will find out what words like "la", "agu-agu" mean, and even the worst - "syak-syak" mean
A true optimist, even in a cemetery, sees pros instead of crosses
The light at the end of the tunnel that the dying see is another indication that the soul flies out of the body through the anus.
Manya and Vanya are house painters. They paint the wall of a high-rise building at the level of the 10th floor. Suddenly, Vania was impatient in a small way. - Hey, Man! Can `t stand! - And you come straight from the cradle! - Yes, you sho! There are people down there! - And you get stronger, just get into the fountain! - Yes, I'm on a ** rush! - Not at all! I will keep you! - Strong? - Strong! Come on! Well, Vanya stood on the edge of the cradle, Manya holds him from the back by the belt, and he bent forward very much and eased right into the pool. Beauty! And then Mane began to sneeze! Kaak sneezes and ... released Vanya, and he went down like a culp with shit ..... Several months passed. And in the same American bar three women sit and talk, where the men are the most willing women. First: - I was in Paris just recently, so these Frenchmen did not give me the passage. Everyone strove to bed drag! This is in their order of things! Second: - Her, the most eager are the Mexicans. I was there recently. They are all so sweaty, hairy there! Straight eyes undress! Cum rushing out of my ears! Third: - All this is nonsense! The wildest men in Russia! Come on! I was in Moscow a couple of months ago. I walk down the street past the fountain. Suddenly I hear a sound from above. I raise my head and see: a guy is flying at me! Shirinka is unbuttoned, and he holds on to his penis and yells: - P I - And - I% D A - A - A !!! ...
Mother approaches her son and says: - Vasya, you have 10 rubles on you, take our pig to the boar, you should make an offspring! Vasya got ready, got on a motorcycle, put a pig in a cradle, put a helmet on her and drove off. He rides past the forest and thinks: “What am I going to take the pig to the boar? I will take it myself in the forest and drink 10 rubles!” So did. The next day the situation repeats. Mother asks to take the pig to the boar, for sure! Vasya gathered again, put the pig next to him in the cradle, put on his helmet, and drove past the scilla. He again fucked the pig, but drank the money. On the third day, the mother says to her son: - Vasya, I don’t know where you took our pig, but she is already sitting on the motorcycle and wearing a helmet !!!
A crow sits on a tree with cheese .. a fox runs:
-Crow, are you going to the polls?
-NOT!!!
fox and cheese go, crow:
- So if I said yes, would something change?

“You told me your talking parrot.” I’ve had so many times with you, but I haven’t heard a word from him.
“He just feels it is dangerous for anyone to say too much.”

Mother writes a letter to her son in prison: "It's hard, son, without you. Spring is in the yard, potatoes are soon to be planted, and there is no one to dig up the garden." The son writes the answer: "Mom, do not dig a garden. You will accumulate one that will plant you and add me a term." Answer from the mother: "Son, after your letter the cops arrived, shoveled the whole garden, didn’t find anything, they left the evil ones, cursed." Son: "Mom, than I could - that helped. Plant the potato yourself."

A new US ballistic missile is about to be launched. On the tree at the launch pad, two ravens are sitting.
- Take off! - says one.
- Don't take off! - says the other.
A launch occurs and the rocket explodes.
- You got it!
- Serving the Soviet Union!

At the entrance to the pet store there is a cage with a parrot. A man walks by. A parrot:
- Man!
- A.
- Go to "%/!
The man was offended and went to the store administration, tapped, the parrot was punished.
The next day he goes again, but he is already looking at the parrot and waiting ...
Almost turned around the corner and here:
- Man!
- A.
- Well, you understand, right?

Once Chukchi married a Frenchwoman. After a while he was asked: "Well, how?" - "Why what? We got divorced a long time ago." “Why?” - "Yes, she turned out to be so dirty! She has to wash every day!"

Once Chukchi was asked: "How often do you wash?" - "However, once every six months." - "So rare? And you don't feel dirty?" - However, I feel the first two months, and then the dirt itself falls off. "

Chukchi goes to the bathhouse, leads a heifer and carries a large pipe.
They ask him: "Chukchi, why do you need a chick?" - "However, we always go to the bath with heifers." - "Why a pipe?" - "However, I will buzz all night."

In the head of my sawdust - It does not matter. Because I'm blonde ... yes, yes, yes!

- 99.99% of men at least once in their life were engaged in masturbation. - Well, and these, which are in 0.01%, what’s the matter with them? - It's armless.

To Vorona, God supplied 4 volts to the entrance.
Give birth to a caesarean - feel like a wolf from Little Red Riding Hood!
- As soon as I find you - you will find yourself married to a widow ...
Soon women's pads will absorb so much that they will not need to be changed.
Viagra is the same Disneyland. People wait one and a half to two hours to ride for two or three minutes.
Do not tisipy my IP!
Why aren't any corn sticks called << Nikita >>?
Nationalism is not blood in the veins, it is urine in the head.
Russia has very few enemies, just NATO in the West, China in the East, the Islamic world in the south - and friends around ...
A box of vodka ... A can of pickles ... I know where I will be the day after tomorrow ...
The woman boss has only one advantage - she will not find you in the toilet!
Useful little things. When dancing your partner, squeeze maximum pleasure out of her.

Cheburashka, all in tears, runs after the crocodile Gena:
- Wait, Gene! After all, the fact that they found me in a box with oranges does not mean anything at all!
“Goodbye ...” said the crocodile Gena, sitting down in a blue carriage ...

The young mother enthusiastically says:
- Today we taught our baby to walk!
- What for?! Do you have a car?

The commission comes to the orphanage - and there all are stoned.
To the director:
- What it is?
- Chefs sent.
- What are the chefs?
- Customs officers, confiscated.
- This crap ?!
Director, dragging on:
- Muck ?! All the best for children!

- The waiter! What is diet pizza?
- This is an ordinary pizza. But I sit down and eat it with you ...

An elderly woman calls the policeman:
“Officer, could you help me cross the street?”
- This very minute! Do you live on the other side?
- No, my motorcycle is standing there!

Two ladies talk about the infidelity of husbands. One says:
- I am absolutely calm about this. My husband is crazy about me.
- What if enlightenments happen?

Natalia Mogilevskaya released a book called "Challenging Choice: Rat or Bitch?".

From life.
In America, it is customary for school graduates to say goodbye to graduation before graduation so that they remember for a long time ... At the school where my sister is studying, the most legendary was this: three pigs with numbers 1, 2 and 4 were drawn into the school days the administration was looking for pig number 3!

- Dad, does Bigfoot exist?
- No, son. This is our mom!

The colors of the Russian flag today look deeply symbolic: from bottom to top it turns out Red-Blue-White.
By the first letters of the names of these colors, the name of the organization that seized power is obtained ...

Russian flag - symbol of bold
Our life is freaky:
Bottom red, white top,
Between them is blue.

- The neighbors complain that we turn on the vacuum cleaner at night. And this is not a vacuum cleaner, this is my wife talking to me!

- Went fishing here overnight. So Seryoga, so as not to drink with us, he sewn up. In a sleeping bag, inside!

- On a black-black night in a black-black room my wife comes to me in black-black lingerie and black-black curlers and says: “Give me my best years !!!”.

The master, having finished the haircut, turns to the man:
- Maybe a cologne?
The man:
- What do you? I’ve just made a file!

Master:
- What would you like?
Client:
- Take a picture on your passport.
Master:
“But we have a hairdresser, not a shop.”
Client:
- And in figs then you hung portraits in a showcase?

There is a man in the woods. Sees a girl tied to a tree, clothes torn.
- What happened?!
- Walked through the woods - attacked, tied, raped ...
- Screaming?
- I screamed ...
- Call for help?
- Call ...
- And nobody?
- No one ...
Man unbuttoning his pants:
- Oh, wimp ...

The king threw a message across the entire Internet: "Whoever laughs my princess Nesmeyan will give half the kingdom!" ...
And he had to give half the kingdom only in order to get rid of spam.

Yesterday, the raped corpse of a maniac was discovered in the forest.
Yeah, Police Day didn’t pass without a trace ...

- So, rehearse! I say: what is your name girl She told me: Masha. And I told her:
here is Masha, sweetie! Then I go up to the boy and ask: who does your dad work with? He answers: the director of the chocolate factory.
- What next?
- And then I give him candy, he feels sick - everyone has fun ...

The director of a modeling agency collects models and says:
- I want to tell you a parting word before today's show ... You are all good models, have visited the catwalks of London and Paris - but I am sure that only Lena will not let us down at the show today!
All indignantly:
- And why is that?!
- Yes, simply because I will not take this fool !!!

- Sanya, of course, your friend is a big woman, no words - but she flies in one ear, flies in the other ...
- Not true! In a vacuum, sound does not spread!

- Yes, I whistle, a crowd of girls will come running here ...
- Do not whistle - there will be no money ...

There is a bear in the forest, sees - two frogs are sitting on a bitch.
- Hello, frogs!
- Hey bear!
So word for word and got a bear pussy ...

- Yesterday I finally got the courage and said three treasured words to my girlfriend.
- I love you?!
- No ... Go fuck you !!!

- Recently I was fucked by two Vitaliks. Imagine, one was behind, the other I did a blowjob - and everything happened so quickly ...
- Well, did you even manage to make a wish?

The television show "What the fuck?"
Participants are looking for a prize hidden in the window of a sex shop for one of the dildos ...

To leave! Far far away! On a silver horse to distant, fabulous lands.
Meet and love the beautiful princess! Fight for her at the knightly tournament, kill all the dragons and evil sorcerers. Become a king and give birth to a whole bunch of princes and princesses. To rule wisely and fairly. And live happily ever after!
And do not sit here for fifteen years here in the Solikamsk zone for gang rape!

The noble husband in the soul is serene. The low man is always preoccupied.

May God grant everyone to have what those who have us have.

Women pay attention not to handsome men, but to men with beautiful women.

Nothing makes a woman's face as meaningful as counting money.

AD
Our company can send you
corporate fabrics, material for ours-
the wok you need for the 2004 summer season. Ts-
lofan bags, bags, backpacks, kata chairs -
Doubles are paid twice. Big pi-
key blankets, pillowcases, chandeliers in the form of stars
Health is paid 30% cheaper. Hu
decorative paints, brushes, glue for
ev we can send as much as you want, without extra charges.
____________________________
Reread announce again through the line!

A drug addict rides in a tram, the controller approaches: - Your ticket. The addict raises two fingers up (like Victory). Controller: - What is it? Nark: - Hare.

If a woman is angry, then she is not only wrong, but she also understands this.

In my words, do not discern lies and falsehoods, But, despite the fact that you are like relatives to me, go on the dick or maybe even further you will be offered to work on the weekend.

Better to be wrong than true without the desire to be.

The best decoration of the girl is modesty and a transparent dress.

- According to statistics, every third woman is unfaithful to her husband.
- Why the hell to me your statistics are you phones and addresses come on !!!
!
If a man looks into your eyes for a long, long time, you can be sure that he has already examined everything else.

A guy walks along the beach and sees a beautiful girl. He comes up to her and says: - Girl, you can’t smoke? She gives him a cigarette. - What about the light? She gives him a lighter. - And maybe we will meet? “Can't you give a drum?” - What for? - Lead the column going to hell!

A serious mistake was made in the office, which had terrible consequences.
The enraged boss runs into the room and grabs the subordinate by the breast:
- One of the two of us is an idiot: either you or me!
Subordinate (calmly):
“Chef, how could you, with your experience and foresight, accept an idiot?”

The first law of promotion - Do not be irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, then you cannot be promoted.

Woman at the appointment with a male dentist. Lies on an armchair, his mouth is frozen, the doctor carefully drills something. Then the patient’s cell phone begins to burst. After the fifth call, the doctor can’t stand it: he grasps furiously at the receiver: - Alla !!! - Alee !!! (also male voice) Doctor: - Who are you ?? !!! MG: - HUSBAND !!!! Doctor: - Listen, husband, I’ll finish right now, she will spit and call you back !!!

The grandfather tells the story to his grandson: - The Germans came to our village, built all the peasants and said: "Choose: either we will oust you or shoot you." - Grandfather, and then what ??? - They shot me, granddaughters, shot me ...

The girl’s heart is a mystery
So said one poet.
Even if she loves sweetly,
Anyway, he will answer - NO!

Wait, don't drink from the toilet!
There are microbes, there is an infection!
Pull the handle, pour the water
Blow off the foam, then drink it.

Who is bolder in the world,
Anyone more beautiful and smarter?
A rhetorical question...
If the barrel looks in the nose!

Entertainer enters the scene:
Solo on a flaccid cock without accompaniment.
There was shocked silence in the hall. The entertainer looks thoughtfully into the prompter.
Sorry ... Solo on cello without accompaniment ...

Mom is busy in the kitchen, but out of the corner of her ear listens to her seven-year-old son playing with his new electric train.
The engine stops - and the son says:
- Ta-a-ak, all the bastards who need to go out - they tear off the ass from the seats and fuck the waffle in the aisle - this is the last stop in front of Boston ... And those bitch children who were impatient in this fucking city also scratched their eggs - quickly We were blown up in the car, we are leaving in two minutes! Mom in complete shock runs into the living room:
- Son, what are you ?! So you can’t talk at home! Go now into the room and TWO HOURS think about what you just said! When you get out, you can play with the train again ... Two hours later, the son leaves his room and plays with the train again ... Here the train stops and mom hears: - We remind all passengers leaving our train not to forget their belongings ... Thank you for traveling with us and hope to see you again. Dear passengers traveling to Boston, please take a seat; We remind you that luggage can be placed under the seats. We ask you not to smoke on the train. Then, after a short pause:
- And if someone fucks very much that the train with the departure was two hours late - go and deal with that bitch yourself in the kitchen!

<Doctor Shlyager>, <Hit-Man> - as soon as they didn’t call drunk Vyacheslav Dobrynin yesterday, if only he would get in a taxi and go home quickly.


A woman calls the store: -Hello, do you have wallpaper?
-There is.
-Thanks.
Five minutes later, she:
- Do you have any flowers?
-Yes there is.
-Thanks.
In another minute:
-And with apples too?
- And there are apples.
Again she:
-And with butterflies?
- There are butterflies too.
The call.
-And there are those funny?
-Come, bitch! Take a laugh

On the beach, a young man approaches the girl:
- Girl you are beautiful! I want you!
- Oh, what are you! I'm shy!
- Yes? Well, sorry! - turns and leaves.
The girl shouts after him:
- Oh oh oh! He wants so much, how shy I am!

Cholovik driving, and at this hour the first suputnitsy mendє robiti yomu minut. Vin vtrachaє control over himself, grabbing his hands її behind the ear.
The machine, in an hour, rushed in from Stovb. Cholovik come to yours, and Zhinka’s commission is dumb, and є less than a voice is in the hands of the whole cholovik. Win viskaku z machine and bach passer. Pitaє in New:
- Didn’t you have a buzz without vuhs?
- Ні, - відповідає to that, without voices not bachiv. and the axis with the penis in the teeth - pudi beat.

Once my girlfriends invited me to a "bachelorette party." I informed my husband about this, and promised to return no later than midnight. "I promise, I'll be home at twelve - like a bayonet!" I assured ardently. The party was wonderful! Champagne was delicious, and time passed completely unnoticed. As a result, I, drunk in the insole, trudged home at about three in the morning. As soon as I crossed the threshold, the cuckoo on the clock in the living room prokukovat three times !!! Realizing in a moment that my husband could wake up when he heard a cuckoo, and I won’t be able to escape the 3.14-inch dule, I did not hesitate to crouch nine more times. If he heard a cuckoo, let him think it is midnight. Secretly proud of my ingenuity, I sneaked into the bedroom with my mouse and quietly lay down under the side of my strict husband. The next morning at breakfast, he asked me when I returned. Having built an innocent face, I said: “Exactly at twelve.” Just the clock in the living room struck midnight. - Yes, I heard. The husband calmly answered. Wow! It seems that I managed to avoid a scandal! After a short pause, the husband said: “Honey, we urgently need to change the cuckoo in the clock.” - ???? “Yesterday, I heard the cuckoo crow three times, then say:“ Look! ”, Four more times, then coughed, 3 times again, giggled and two more crowed, stepped on the cat.