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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The shortest telegram home: $ O $.
Do not wishful thinking!
Clinton's fingerprint was found on the clitoris of the Statue of Liberty.
I'm so good with you that - that's all, thank you, I went!
Angry at your neighbor? Buy a drum for his child.
A lottery is not a hunt for luck, it is a hunt for losers.
Quick response perfectly replaces good manners.
If not sure, take a bigger hammer.
Remember the golden rule - those who have gold rule.
What takes the least time and brings the most trouble is called sex.
If you do not have eggs, you need someone who has two.
The eternal main questions of Russia: "What to do?", "Who is to blame?" and "What the fuck?".

UMS operator has the largest coverage in Ukraine. It is covered with obscenities 90% of subscribers.
One aunt coded for obesity. She even changed the route to work so as not to drive past her favorite pastry shop ...
Then one morning she appeared in the office with a huge cake.
“Imagine,” he said, “today I accidentally drove past the pastry shop, and I saw this wonderful cake in the window ... And then I appealed to the Almighty:
God, if you want me to eat this cake, give a sign - for example, make sure there is a free parking space nearby! And imagine: it turned out there ... after eight laps ... !!

The programmer received the award and decided to spend on a new computer, but his wife decided differently:
- No, how many years I sleep on the old bed, I want an Arab bed - I can not even finish on these mattresses ...
- What are you, dear, as I think about how much it costs - I can not even start ...
A boy stands on the subway platform and mutters thoughtfully:
- What did you think, what happened ... What did you think, what happened ...
His friend comes up and asks:
- What did you think? What happened?
The boy replies:
- When mum and dad dispersed, I thought I would stay with dad. A young dad will bring - then dad will be her, then me, then her dad, then I ...
But it turned out - he stayed with his mother: the young mother brought him - then he was mother, then me, then mother, then me ...

It’s really worth thinking about whether life has succeeded, if in the morning, checking the one you are rejoicing at the new letters, and they are all from the Center for American English.

For 50 bucks I will take away the slander that you are a sucker.
Contact will have to periodically.
Developer & Gamble bought Gilléte.
Now laying not only with wings, but also with edges!
2006 ...
Belarus ...
COLORADIAN Revolution ...

- Do these shoes have a guarantee?
- Of course.
- And how many kicks?
An experienced drinking companion will support a conversation on current topics: "Women are fools," "Football, hockey," "How someone got drunk."
You can leave the house and work.
- You poured Pushkin!
- Yes, I am also curly!
- Yeah ... and I really want to shoot ...
- Friend, I heard that you are no longer walking with Vasya?
- My doctor does not allow me ...
- And by what right does the doctor interfere with your personal life ?!
- She is his wife!
The boss discovers that his blonde secretary is filled with bitter tears.
- What is it, my dear?
- I just got a call and was told that my mother died!
- Oh, my God - what a grief! If you want, go home!
- Not. I will stay at work, it will be easier for me to get together ...
After some time, the boss decides to visit the secretary and discovers her just in hysterics:
- My sister called and said that HER mom also died !!!
- Boris Abramovich, what relation do you have to publications in the free independent press belonging to you?
- Who pays, that and orders music. But if you are talking about the promise of rain for the weekend, then it was not I who dictated!

- Well, what kind of press conference ?! - Outraged Kirkorov in St. Petersburg. - Even fucking send no one!
When Metelkin returned home in the morning, his wife met him with stormy applause, turning into a slap in the face.
When a man yawns with his mouth wide open, he shows his lack of culture.
When a woman yawns, her mouth wide open, she shows her capabilities. But for some men there are exceptions ...
On a nudist beach, two friends:
“What I like most here is the thieves.”
“I finished three times yesterday, while he was looking for where I could hide the wallet!”
The Russian Foreign Ministry called the charges of anti-Semitism artificial.
"These are all Jewish intrigues!" - Russian Foreign Ministry spokesman Alexander Yakovenko said.
Sent stepmother stepdaughter for snowdrops ...
And this fool all over the barn littered with corpses!
A young employee appeals to the sysadmin:
- Can you explain to me how automatic disk defragmentation occurs in NTFS format?
The sysadmin answers her instructively:
- Well, why bother with such trifles, you're a blonde!
- Something today after work you look very tired. Probably too difficult crossword caught ...
Doctor at the bedside:
- Yes, the situation is not easy ... You have hemiplegia!
- Hemiplegia? What is this?!
- Well, this means that you have the entire right half does not work ...
- And everything that I have left - will work?
- Yes, everything on your left will work fine.
The patient begins to do something with his good hand under the covers.
- What are you doing there with your hand down ?!
- So, doctor, you need to urgently save what you can ...
- Do you have household appliances not indizit?
- No, not indizit ... And what - should indizet ?!
- Girl, you can hold?
- This conducts - then you will not collect gaskets ...
Once upon a time, a gynecologist worked in one of the district women's clinics in Kiev. Handsome, handsome man. He had the sweetest habit: when a lady sat down in an armchair according to the order and took an appropriate posture, the doctor, pulling on her gloves, approached her, singing a line from the Ukrainian song that was popular in those years.
- All your beauty is miracle in sight of me!
From life ... The queue went to the counter. One comrade, supporting the bridge of the nose with his finger, asked the seller:
- Excuse me, would you be so kind as to give us one bottle of vodka and one bottle of “Salut”? Thank you in advance.
The seller went for the goods, and the other comrade, with a briefcase, addressed the first:
- Listen, Nikolay! Why don't we just take two bottles of vodka?
The first answered:
- You see, Vladimir ... To fuck this fucking - unfortunately, you need champagne ...
An Arab sheikh traveled through Europe and fell in love with a European. Here is her dad tells his friends:
- In short, he tells me - if you give her to marry me - I will pay for her as much gold as she weighs. Well, I answer him that in such a question it is not necessary to hurry, we'll talk in a month ...
- Yes, you are right, these sheikhs with their strange laws ... then you have to think ...
Dad: - There is no need to think. Here it is necessary to feed the girl!
Still, there is something suspicious in the name of the newspaper "Fisherman Rybak" ...
It does not matter that you cannot get juice from bananas, but you can buy it in the store.
Kirkorov probably saw a pink blouse on Pugacheva?
A tale about how one Bulgarian taught an Armenian woman to “gavarit pas russian” ...
The current situation clearly shows that any KGB officer can rule the state. How? Yes, no worse than any cook!
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch is just an Austrian writer, and how Sounds!
The electric shaver burned down, the flowerpot with roses cracked, instant coffee ran out ...
Where the world is heading at all ...
I bought calcium gluconate at the pharmacy, mixed it with calcium - not a fig, calcium had no glitches.
In connection with the breakdown of the supercomputer to create identikits, the Office of the Interior invites citizens to work with rich facial expressions.
The meaning of the Formula 1 race is to keep up with Schumacher’s car.
If a horse tells you that you are crazy, then it is.
A couple of weeks of work of the Russian media, and the Russians will sincerely believe that Russia supported V. Yushchenko at the elections in Ukraine.
The nervous day in the office ended for the businessman with an unpleasant message from his wife that their housekeeper takes the calculation.
- And who is to blame? he asked grimly.
- Of course you! - the wife was indignant. - She said that you called and expressed extremely offensive ...
- Damn it! I was sure that I was talking to you ...
In ancient times, hockey was played with axes.
Therefore, experienced players did not attend matches ...
Any desires disappear over time, even if they are not realized.
If desire does not disappear, but only increases, then it becomes mania.
The most common mania among people is the desire to live well.
Three businessmen are sitting in a cell, they say:
- What are you sitting for?
- For the bath. Massage, video ...
- And you?
- I'm for the pharmacy. Weights, pills ...
- I see ... What are you for? - At the third look.
- For recruitment agency.
- What did you do?
- Recruitment.
- Uh ... I do not understand? And then planted for what?
- For the slave trade ...
Two aristocrats were sentenced to death. It is their last day.
They stand before the executioner.
One says to the other:
- What an uncomfortable situation! I do not even know how much to give him for h ah ...
“Are you free this Saturday night?”
- No, busy.
- And what are you going to do?
- That, as always.
- Namely?
- tear up lottery tickets!
- Ahhhhh! Fuck-aaaaa! Dear, what was it? !!!!
- Coffee in bed, honey ...

Few people know ...
That in order to conceive a traffic police inspector, a striped condom and a safety pin are needed.

- Took on sampling "Thousand Islands".
- And How?
- Imagine two missing.
... For sale ZAZ-968M Varbus.
News feed.
Yushchenko agreed with Putin about his support for Yanukovich in the 2006 parliamentary elections to ensure his victory ...
Hefty ambal brakes man in the doorway:
- You will not recognise me?
- Not..
Ambal, getting a knife:
- I will be rich ...
- What is the oldest nation in the world?
- Moroccans. Monkeys descended from them.
Egyptian and Mexican pyramids, Stonehenge, Easter Island statues ...
Every nation has its own Tsereteli.
Head of Human Resources:
- When you come with your mistress, you create a new workplace ...
Crime Chronicle:
Tonight there was a daring robbery of a sex shop. Stolen goods totaling about twenty meters!
The wife says to her husband, a passionate hunter:
- Choose, dear, or I, or your hunt!
Husband, after a long silence:
- Well, well, do you want me to hunt for you today?
- What are you so worried about?
“Why, I’m thinking how seventy-five people invited by the wife to our wedding anniversary can be accommodated in a one-room apartment ...”
- So you have a round date?
- No, I have a wife - a round fool!
- Katya, did you have a designer in your childhood?
- No, I liked sea sailors more.
A patient:
- Doctor, I probably have a heavy metal poisoning?
Doctor looking at test results:
- Why do you think so?
A patient:
- Just shit in the water sinking stone ...
The privileges of Russian officials should be greatly reduced!
And then the governors will buy the entire English Premier League ...

- Who watched a horror movie yesterday?
- I.
- Go and clean up after you.
- Maybe let's go order a pizza and fuck? Not?! Don't you like pizza ?!
From life.
We drink beer recently with a friend, we decided to buy fish. Well, bought - salmon sticks.
But they shook not the sticks themselves, as the advertising inscription on them: "Nobly and beautifully - a couple of sticks for beer!".
Unintentionally ponder ...
How to distinguish a fake dollar from this?
A fake dollar gives a seal of doubt on the face of the American president ...
- Why do you have so often military coups in Africa?
- So it's cheaper than the election.
From life.
I have one acquaintance, Natasha - a small, pretty girl, who apparently isn’t on her 24th - at best she’s 16th pulling ...
It is worth it somehow at the bus stop, the bus is waiting accordingly.
Points, jacket, backpack. Schoolgirl and only. A very tipsy uncle comes up to her, it's about 30 years old, and, trying to look into her eyes, is unobtrusively, almost insinuatingly, but with interest she asks:
- Girl ... Are you already fucking?
To which Natasha, after lowering her glasses with her finger on the tip of her nose and looking intently into his eyes, absolutely calmly and absolutely childishly replies: - No, uncle ... For now, just waiting for the bus!

God decided to fix matters in Russian medicine and got a job as a district doctor in a polyclinic ...
The first patient comes to see him - a paralytic on a wheelchair. God lays his hands on his head and says:
- Get up and go!
He got up and went ...
It turns out in the corridor, there is a line to the street, he is asked:
- Well, how new?
- Yes, like all of them - even the pressure did not die ...

According to unverified data, unverified information was received from unnamed sources, which wished to remain anonymous.
Labor has made a man of a monkey and it is necessary for this to happen that it is he - my boss
The man! Help your wife in cleaning the apartment - lift your legs when she vacuums!
Do not be born beautiful, but have an ugly girlfriend
Maturity comes when on the street they begin to contact you "Hey, man!", And not "Young man!"
Minus is half plus, and plus is sometimes two whole minuses ...
Most of all religious propaganda at the Rastafarians at every traffic light
If a guy with a girl went to the forest for berries and the guy returns satisfied - it means that few berries were picked
Husbands come in two categories: loyal and honest
We are no longer waiting for a miracle from the government, but just waiting for it to stop fishing.
Dreams see everything, but not everyone is sleeping at this time.
Woman's dream is to be a woman of dreams
Happiness is the first year after the first divorce.
Millionaire to all the guys an example!
It is difficult to find a black man in a dark room, especially if he gouged out his eyes and knocked out teeth
Moderation is good in everything, including in moderation
It is easier not to let us go than to drive us out!
There is such a profession - to protect yourself from the Motherland!
Announcement. The company requires sweaty girls (can be scary and without a waist) for testing deodorants
There are no ugly men, there are poor!
When you stand on the edge of the abyss for too long, you can call this region your native one
I ate the President oil, but I never became the President. I smoked a pack of "Attache" cigarettes, but the attache didn’t work out of me. And only when I drank beer "Kozel", I felt that I was starting to act like ...
The troupe of the musical "Cats" was dismissed in full force, because often went to the director on the carpet
If the result does not depend on the solution scheme, then this is mathematics, and if it depends, then this is accounting.
Not a gossip girl, but a word of mouth journalist
At the collective farm meeting, the collective farm "Lenin's Way" decided to rename the collective farm "Lenin Putina"
Do not know how to ride - do not buy the right!
To find a common language with a person, sometimes you need to be able to keep quiet.
Released dictionary of children's profanity. Now you will find out what the words such as "la", "agu-agu" and even the most terrible - "syaka-syaka" mean
A real optimist, even in a cemetery, sees pluses instead of crosses.
The light at the end of the tunnel that the dying see is another evidence that the soul flies out of the body through the anus
Manya and Vanya - painters. They paint the high-rise wall on the 10th floor level. Suddenly Van was impatient in a small way. - Hey, Man! Can `t stand! - And you come straight from the cradle! - Yes, you sho! There are people down there! - And you go too far stronger, just get into the fountain! - Yes, I'm on ** nus! - Not at all! I'll keep you up! - Hard? - Hard! Come on! Well, Vanya got on the edge of the cradle, Manya holding him behind the belt by his belt, and he leaned forward strongly and was facilitated right into the pool. Beauty! And then Mane was impatient to sneeze! Kaak sneezes and ... released Vanya, and he went down as a sack of shit ..... A few months passed. And here in one merikansky bar three women sit and argue, where men are the most eager for women. First: “I was here in Paris just now, so these French didn’t let me pass.” Everyone strove to bed to drag! It is in their order of things! Second: - Her, the most eager are the Mexicans. I was there recently. They are all so sweaty, hairy! Straight eyes undress! Cum as much from ears rushing! Third: - All this is nonsense! The wildest men in Russia! Here think for it! A couple of months ago I was in Moscow. I walk down the street past the fountain. Suddenly I hear a sound from above. I raise my head and see: a man is flying at me! The fly is unbuttoned, and he is holding his hands on his penis and yelling: - P I - I - And% Y A - A - A !!! ...
A mother comes up to her son and says: - Vasya, you have 10 rubles, take our pig to the boar, we should make an offspring! Vasya got ready, sat down on a motorcycle, put the pig in the cradle, put a helmet on her and drove off. He rides past the forest and thinks: “What am I going to take the pig to the boar? I’m doing it for myself in the forest, and I’ll drink 10 rubles!” And he did. The next day, the situation repeats. Mother asks to bring the pig to the boar, so surely! Vasya got ready again, put the pig next to him in the cradle, put the helmet on, and drove past the scape. Again the pig fucked and drank the money. On the third day, the mother says to his son: - Vasya, I don’t know where you drove our pig, but she’s already sitting on a motorcycle and wearing a helmet !!!
A crow sits on a tree with cheese .. a fox runs:
- Crow, are you going to the polls?
fox with cheese go, crow:
-That if I said yes, would something change?

- You told that your parrot is talking. I was with you so much, but I did not hear a word from him.
“He just feels it’s dangerous for someone to say too much.”

Mother writes a letter to her son in prison: "It is hard, son, without you. Spring is in the yard, planting potatoes soon, and there is no one to dig up the garden." The son writes the answer: "Mom, do not dig the garden. You will accumulate such that they will plant you and add a term to me." Answer from the mother: "Son, after your letter came the cops, shoveled the whole garden, did not find anything, left angry, swear.". Son: "Mom, what I could - that helped. Potato plant yourself".

A new American ballistic missile is being prepared for launch. On the tree at the start site are two crows.
- Soar! - says one.
- Do not take off! - says another.
There is a launch, and the rocket explodes.
- This is you nakakpalka!
- I serve the Soviet Union!

At the entrance to the pet store hangs a cage with a parrot, a man walks by. Parrot:
- Man!
- BUT.
- Go to "%/!
The man was offended. He went to the administration of the store, he snitched, the parrot was punished.
The next day comes again, but already looks at the parrot and waits ...
Almost turned the corner and here:
- Man!
- BUT.
- Well, you understand, yes?

One day, the Chukchi married a Frenchwoman. After a while they ask him: "Well, how?" - "And what? How? We have long been divorced." - "Why?" - "Yes, she turned out to be so dirty! She has to wash every day!"

Once the Chukchi was asked: "How often do you wash yourself?" - "However, every six months." - "So rarely? And you do not feel dirty?" “However, I feel the first two months, and then the dirt itself falls off.”

Chukchi goes to the bathhouse, leads the heifer and carries a big pipe.
They ask him: "Chukchi, why do you need a chick?" - "However, we always go to the bathhouse with chicks." - "Why the pipe?" - "However, all night I will buzz."

In my head sawdust - It does not matter. Because I'm blond ... yes, yes, yes!

- 99.99% of men at least once in their lives engaged in masturbation. - Well, and these, which in 0,01%, with them what? - This is armless.

To God, Crow, he gave 4 volts to the input.
Give birth to a Cesarean - feel like a wolf from the Red Riding Hood!
- As soon as I find you, you will be married to a widow ...
Soon women's pads will absorb so much that they will not need to be changed.
Viagra - the same Disneyland. People wait one and a half to two hours to ride two or three minutes.
Do not tisipi my ip!
Why aren't any corn sticks called << Nikita >>?
Nationalism is not blood in the veins, it is urine in the head.
Russia has very few enemies, only NATO in the West, China in the East, the Islamic world in the south - and so all around are friends ...
A box of vodka ... A can of pickled cucumbers ... I know where I will be on the afternoon of ...
In the woman boss there is only one advantage - in the toilet she will not find you!
Useful stuff. Dancing your partner, squeeze the maximum pleasure out of her.

Cheburashka runs in tears after the crocodile Gena:
- Wait, Gena! After all, the fact that I was found in a box with oranges does not mean anything at all!
- Farewell ... - Crocodile Gena said quietly, getting into the blue car ...

The young mother enthusiastically says:
- Today we taught our baby to walk!
- What for?! Don't you have a car ?!

The commission comes to the orphanage - and there all are stoned.
- What it is?
- Chefs sent.
- What are the chefs?
- Customs, confiscated.
- This crap ?!
Director, dragging on:
- Disgusting ?! All the best - to children!

- Waiter! What is diet pizza?
- This is the usual pizza. But I sit next to her and eat it with you ...

An elderly woman turns to the policeman:
- Officer, could you help me cross the street?
- This minute! Do you live on that side?
- No, my motorcycle is standing there!

Two ladies talk about infidelity husbands. One says:
- I am absolutely calm about this. My husband is crazy about me.
- What if enlightenment happen?

Natalia Mogilevskaya released a book called "Difficult choice: a rat or a bitch?".

From life.
In America, graduates of the school accepted goodbye, before graduation, to arrange a rally, so that graduates would be remembered for a long time ... In the school where my sister studies, the most legendary was this: three pigs with painted numbers 1, 2 and 4 were sent to school. days the administration was looking for a pig number 3!

- Dad, does a snowman exist?
- No, son. This is our mother!

The colors of the Russian flag today look deeply symbolic: from the bottom up it turns out Red-Blue-White.
According to the first letters of the names of these colors, the name of the organization that seized power is obtained ...

Flag of Russia - symbol bold
Our life is plague:
Red below, white on top
Between them is blue.

- Neighbors complain that we turn on the vacuum cleaner at night. And this is not a vacuum cleaner, this is a wife talking to me!

- We went fishing there overnight. So Seryoga, so as not to drink with us, was sewn up. In a sleeping bag, from the inside!

- On a black-black night in a black-black room, a wife comes to me in black-black underwear and black-black hair curlers and says: "Give my best years !!!".

Master, having finished a haircut, refers to a man:
- Maybe cologne?
The man:
- What do you? After all, I have just had a drink!

- What would you like?
- On the passport to be photographed.
- But we have a hairdresser, not a photo studio.
- And on the fig then you portrayed portraits in the window?

There is a man in the woods. Sees a girl tied to a tree, clothes torn.
- What happened?!
- Walking in the woods - attacked, tied, raped ...
- Screaming?
- Screamed ...
- Call for help?
- I called ...
- And no one?
- No one ...
Man, unbuttoning his pants:
- Eh, wilderness ...

The king threw a message all over the Internet: "Whoever makes my princess Nesmeianu laugh — I will give half the kingdom to that!" ...
And he had to give half the kingdom only in order to get rid of spam.

Yesterday a raped corpse of a maniac was discovered in the forest.
Yeah, Police Day did not pass without a trace ...

- So, rehearsing! I say: what is your name girl? She me: Masha. And I told her:
here's Masha sweetie! Then I go to the boy and ask: who does your dad work with? He replies: Director of the chocolate factory.
- So what is next?
- And then I give him candy, he feels sick - everyone is having fun ...

The director of a model agency collects models and says:
- I want to say a word of welcome before today's show ... All of you are good models, visited the catwalks of London and Paris - but I am sure that only Lena will not disappoint at the show today!
Everything, indignantly:
- And why is that?!
- Yes, simply because I will not take this fool !!!

- Sanya, of course, your girlfriend is an old woman, no words - but she flies into one ear, flies into another ear ...
- Not true! In vacuum, the sound does not apply!

- Yes, I whistle, here a crowd of girls run away ...
- Do not whistle - there will be no money ...

There is a bear in the forest, he sees - two frogs are sitting on a bitch.
- Hi, frogs!
- Hey bear!
So word for word and got a pussy bear ...

- Yesterday I finally had the courage and said three treasured words to my girlfriend.
- I love you?!
- No ... Go you fuck !!!

- Recently I was fucked by two Vitalik. Imagine, one was behind, another I was doing a blowjob - and everything happened so quickly ...
- Well, did you even have time to make a wish?

TV "What a dick?".
Participants are looking for a prize hidden in a sex shop window behind one of the dildos ...

Leave! Far, far away! On a silver horse to distant fairytale countries.
Meet and love the beautiful princess! Fight for her at the knightly tournament, kill all dragons and evil sorcerers. Become a king and give birth to a whole bunch of princes and princesses. To rule wisely and fairly. And live happily ever after!
And do not sit for fifteen years here, in the Solikamsk area, for gang rape!

A noble husband in the soul is serene. A low person is always concerned.

God forbid everyone to have what those who have us have.

Women pay attention not to beautiful men, but to men with beautiful women.

Nothing makes a woman's face so meaningful as counting money.

Our company can send you a de-
nourishing fabric material for our-
wok, you need for the summer season 2004. Tse-
lofan bags, bags, backpacks, chairs, kata-
Lki paid doubly. Big pi-
key blankets, pillow cases, star chandeliers
Zdy paid at 30% cheaper. Hu
paint, brushes, glue for wallpaper
We can send as you want, no extra charge.
Re-read declare again through the line!

Addict rides in a tram, the controller fits: - Your ticket. The addict raises two fingers up (like Victory). Controller: - What is it? Narc: - Hare.

If a woman is angry, then she is not only wrong, but understands it.

In my words do not see lies and falsehoods, But, despite the fact that you are my family, Go to the dick or maybe even further you are offered to work on weekends.

It is better to be unfaithful than faithful without the desire to be.

The best decoration of the girl - modesty and transparent dress.

- According to statistics, every third woman cheats on her husband.
- Yes, fuck me your statistics you phones and addresses come on !!!
If a man looks into your eyes for a long time, you can be sure that he has already examined everything else.

A guy walks along the beach and sees a beautiful girl. She comes up to her and says: - Girl, do you have a smoke? She gives him a cigarette. - And the lights? She gives him a lighter. - And maybe get to know? - And the drum will not give you? - What for? - Lead a column going to hell!

The office committed a blunder, which had terrible consequences.
The enraged chief rushes into the room and grabs the slave by the breast:
- One of the two of us is an idiot: either you or me!
Slave (calmly):
“Chief, could you, with your experience and foresight, be able to hire an idiot?”

The first law of promotion - Do not be indispensable. If you can not be replaced, then you can not upgrade.

A woman at the reception at the male dentist. He lies on a chair, his mouth is frozen, the doctor carefully drills something. Here the patient begins to burst mobile phone. After the fifth call, the doctor can not stand: frantically grabs the phone: - Alla !!! - Alley !!! (also a male voice) Doctor: - Who are you ?? !!! MG: - HUSBAND !!!! Doctor: - Listen, husband, I'll finish right now, she will spit and call back !!!

The grandfather tells the story to his grandson: - The Germans came to our village, they built all the men and they say: "Choose: either we will leave you, or we will shoot you." - Grandfather, and what's next ??? - They shot me, granddaughters, shot me ...

The girl's heart is a mystery
So said one poet.
Even if she loves sweet
Anyway, answer - NO!

Wait, don't drink from the toilet!
There are microbes, there is an infection!
Pull the handle, water merge,
Blow off the foam, then drink.

Who is bold in the world,
All the more beautiful and smarter?
A rhetorical question...
If the barrel looks in the nose!

Entertainer takes the stage:
Solo on a sluggish penis without an accompaniment.
In the hall shocked silence. The entertainer looks thoughtfully at the prompter.
Sorry ... Solo cello without accompaniment ...

Mom is busy in the kitchen, but with an ear heels her son, who is seven years old, playing with his new electric train.
The train stops and the son says:
- Ta-a-ak, all the bastards who need to go out - the ass was pulled from the chairs and the Nehru in the aisle waffle - this is the last stop before Boston ... And those bitches children who rushed into this fucking city - also scratch eggs — quickly blown into the car, we are two minutes away! Mom in perfect shock runs into the living room:
- Son, what are you? So you can not talk at home! Go now to the room and TWO HOURS think about what you just said! When you get out - you can play with the train again ... Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and plays with the train again ... Here the train stops and mother hears: - We remind all passengers leaving our train not to forget their belongings ... Thank you for traveling with us and we hope to see you again. Dear passengers traveling to Boston, please take a seat; We remind you that luggage can be placed under the seats. Please do not smoke on the train. Then, after a short pause:
- And if someone fucks hard that the train with a dispatch of two hours is late - go and figure it out with that bitch in the kitchen!

<Dr. Shlyager>, <Man-hit> - as soon as they didn’t call drunken Vyacheslav Dobrynin yesterday, as long as he got into a taxi and quickly went home.

A woman calls the store: -Hello, do you have any wallpapers?
-There is.
In five minutes, it’s the same:
- Do you have flowers with you?
-Yes there is.
Another minute:
-And with apples too?
-And with apples there.
Again she:
-And with butterflies?
-With butterflies too.
-And here are those funny?
Come here, bitch! You laugh

On the beach a young man approaches the girl:
- Girl you are beautiful! I want you!
- Oh, what are you! I'm shy!
- Yes? Well, sorry! - turns and leaves.
The girl shouts after him:
- Oh oh oh! He wants so much as I hesitate!

Cholovik drive a car, and in the hour of your supine companion, I promise you. Vin vtrachaє control of themselves, hapak hands їia for the ear.
Machine, one hour, stay at stovb. Cholovik to come to you, and the women’s commission is mute, and not in the hands of this man. Vin viskaku z machines and bachit perehodogo. Food in the world:
- Wee here zhіnku without Vuh not bachili?
- Ні, - відповідає that, without loud, not bach. and the axis of the term in the teeth - tudi beat.

Once a girlfriend invited me to the "hen party". I reported this to my husband, and promised to return no later than midnight. "I promise I'll be home at twelve - like a bayonet!" I assured me fervently. The party was wonderful! Champagne is delicious, and time has flown by completely unnoticed. As a result, I, drunk as a lord, got home around three in the morning. I just crossed the threshold, the cuckoo on the clock in the living room whined three times !!! Instantly realizing that the husband could wake up when he heard the cuckoo, and 3.14 dules I could not escape, I did not hesitate to whine another nine times. If he heard the cuckoo, let him think that it is midnight. Being secretly proud of my wit, I sneaked into the bedroom with a mouse and quietly settled under the side of my strict husband. The next morning at breakfast, he asked me when I returned. Having built an innocent attractive face, I said: - Exactly at twelve. Just clock in the living room struck midnight. - Yes, I heard. The husband calmly answered. F-ooo! Looks like a scandal I managed to avoid! After a short silence, my husband said: - Honey, we need to urgently change the cuckoo in the clock. - ???? - Yesterday, I heard the cuckoo sounded three times, then said: "Here's a bl% d!", Squealed four more times, then she coughed, sounded 3 times again, giggled and sounded the remaining two times, stepped on the cat.