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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The shortest telegram home: $ O $.
Do not give wishful thinking!
On the clitoris of the Statue of Liberty, a fingerprint of Clinton was found.
I'm so happy with you, that - everything, thanks, I went!
Angry at your neighbor? Buy his child a drum.
A lottery is not a hunt for luck, it's a hunt for losers.
A quick reaction perfectly replaces good manners.
If you are not sure, take the hammer more.
Remember the golden rule - those who have gold, rule.
What takes the least time and brings the most trouble, is called sex.
If you do not have eggs, you need someone who has two.
The eternal basic questions of Russia: "What to do?", "Who is to blame?" and "What the fuck?".

The operator of UMS has the largest coverage in Ukraine. It covers 90% of subscribers with mat.
One aunt was coded for obesity. Even changed the route to work, so as not to pass by his favorite confectionery ...
And then one morning she appeared in the office with a huge cake.
"Imagine," she says, "I accidentally rode past the pastry shop today, and saw this wonderful cake in the window ... And then I called to the Almighty:
God, if you want me to eat this cake, give a sign - for example, make sure that next to it there is a free parking space! And imagine: it turned out to be there ... in eight laps ... !!

The programmer received the award and decided to spend on a new computer, but the wife decided differently:
- No, I've been sleeping in an old bed for so many years, I want an Arabic bed - I can not even finish on these mattresses ...
- Are you, dear, I'll think how much it costs - I can not even begin ...
The boy stands on the platform of the subway and mumbles thoughtfully:
"I thought what happened ... What did I think happened?"
His friend comes up and asks:
- What did you think? What happened?
The boy replies:
- When my dad and mom parted, I thought that I would stay with my dad. Daddy's young will lead - then dad will be her, then I, then her dad, then I ...
And it turned out - my mother stayed: my mother brought a young man - then he's my mother, then me, then my mother, then me ...

Really it is worth considering whether life has been successful, if you check the mail in the morning, you are happy with the new letters, and they are all from the Center of American English.

For 50 bucks I'll take offense, that you are fucked.
You will have to contact periodically.
Procter & Gamble bought Gillete.
Now the gaskets are not only with wings, but also with blades!
2006 ...
Belarus ...

"Do these shoes have a guarantee?"
- Of course.
- And how many kicks?
Experienced drinking companion will support the conversation on relevant topics: "Women are fools", "Football, hockey", "How someone got drunk."
You can leave home and work.
"You are the poured Pushkin!"
- Yes, I'm curly too!
- Yeah ... and you really want to shoot ...
- Friend, I heard that you do not go with Vasya anymore?
- My doctor does not allow me ...
- And by what right does the doctor interfere in your personal life ?!
"She's his wife!"
The chief discovers that his blonde secretary is flooded with bitter tears.
"What is it, my dear?"
"They just called me and told me that my mother passed away!"
"Oh, my God, what a sorrow!" If you want, go home!
- No. I'll stay at work, it will be easier for me to get together ...
After some time the boss decides to visit the secretary and discovers it simply in hysterics:
- My sister called and said that her mother also died!
- Boris Abramovich, what relation do you have to publications in the independent independent press that belongs to you?
- Who pays, he orders music. But if you're talking about the rain promised on the weekend, it was not me who dictated!

- What kind of a press conference is this ?! Kirkorov was indignant in St. Petersburg. "There's no one to send a dick!"
When Metelkin returned home in the morning, his wife greeted him with stormy applause, slipping into slaps.
When a man yawns, wide open his mouth, he shows his uncivileness.
When a woman yawns, her mouth wide open, she shows her capabilities. But for some men there are exceptions ...
On a nudist beach, two friends:
"What I like best here is thieves."
- Yesterday I finished three times while he was looking for where I could hide the purse!
The Russian Foreign Ministry called accusations of anti-Semitism artificial.
"This is all Jewish intrigues!" - said the official representative of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Russia Alexander Yakovenko.
She sent her stepmother stepdaughter for the snowdrops ...
And this fool all the shed corpses filled up!
A young employee turns to the sysadmin:
- Can you explain to me how the automatic defragmentation of the disk occurs in NTFS format?
The sysadmin responds instructively to her:
"Well, why screw up your head with such trifles, because you're a blonde!"
- Something after work today you look very tired. Probably too difficult a crossword puzzle ...
Doctor at the bedside of the patient:
- Yes, the situation is not easy ... You have hemiplegia!
"Hemiplegia?" What is that?!
- Well, it means that your whole right half does not work ...
- And everything that I have on my left will work?
- Yes, everything that you have on your left will work normally.
The patient begins to do something with a healthy hand under the blanket.
- What are you doing down there?
"So, doctor, we must urgently save what we can ..."
- Do you have any home appliances?
- No, it will not ... And what - should be indefinite ?!
- Girl, can you be held?
- This conducts - then you will not assemble pads ...
Once upon a time in one of the district women's clinics in Kiev worked as a gynecologist. Handsome, handsome man. He had a very nice habit: when the lady sat down in an armchair in the appropriate order and took the appropriate pose, the doctor, pulling on his gloves, approached her, humming a line from the popular Ukrainian song in those years
"All your beauty is miraculous in me's sight!"
Of life ... The line came to the counter. One comrade, backing his glasses to the bridge of his nose, asked the seller:
- Excuse me, would not you be so kind to give us one bottle of vodka and one bottle of "Salute"? Thank you in advance.
The seller went for the goods, and another comrade, with a briefcase, turned to the first:
"Listen, Nicholas! Why do not we just take two bottles of vodka?
The first answered:
- You see, Vladimir ... To fuck this slut - you need, unfortunately, champagne ...
The Arab sheik traveled through Europe and fell in love with the European. Here is her dad telling her friends:
- In short, he tells me - if you give it to me for marriage - I will pay for it as much gold as it weighs. Well, I answer him, that in such a question it is not necessary to hurry, we will talk in a month ...
- Yes, you are right, these sheikhs with their strange laws ... here you have to think ...
Dad: - There is no need to think. Here the girl needs to be fed!
Still, there is something suspicious in the title of the newspaper "Fisherman Fisherman" ...
It's not important that you can not get juice from bananas, but you can buy it in a store.
Kirkorov, probably saw a pink blouse on Pugacheva?
Tale of how one Bulgarian taught the Armenian to "gavarit in Russian" ...
The current situation clearly shows that any state servant can manage the state. How? Yes, not worse than any cook!
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch - just an Austrian writer, and how it sounds!
The electric shaver burned down, the flower pot with roses cracked, the instant coffee ended ...
Where is the world going at all ...
I bought calcium gluconate in the pharmacy, mixed it with calcium - no fig, there was no calcium in gluten.
In connection with the breakdown of the supercomputer for the creation of photo sketches, the Office of Internal Affairs invites citizens with rich facial expressions to work.
The meaning of the Formula 1 race is to keep up with the car of Schumacher.
If the horse tells you that you are crazy, then it is.
Another couple of weeks of Russian media work - and Russians will sincerely believe that Russia at the elections in Ukraine was supported by Yushchenko.
A nervous day in the office ended for the businessman with an unpleasant message from his wife that their housekeeper is taking the calculation.
"And who is to blame?" he inquired gloomily.
- Of course you! - the wife was indignant. "She said that you called and expressed extremely insulting ..."
- Damn it! I was sure that I'm talking to you ...
In ancient times hockey was played with axes.
Therefore, experienced players did not come to the matches ...
Any desires eventually disappear, even if they do not materialize.
If the desire does not disappear, but only intensifies, then it becomes a mania.
The most common mania is the desire to live well.
Three businessmen sit in the cell, they bazaar:
"What are you sitting for?"
"For the bath." Massage, video shooting ...
- And you?
- I'm for a pharmacy. Herbs, pills ...
"I see ... And what are you for?" "They look at the third."
- For the recruitment agency.
- What did you do?
- Selection of personnel.
"Uh ... do not understand?" And then they put him in prison for what?
"For the slave trade ..."
Two aristocrats were sentenced to death. Their last day has come.
They are facing the executioner.
One says to another:
"What an uncomfortable situation!" I do not even know how much to give to him on chi ...
"Are you free this Saturday night?"
"No, he's busy."
- And what are you going to do?
"That's always the case."
- Namely?
"Tear out lottery tickets!"
- Aaaaaaa! Fucking-ah-ah-ah! Darling, what was that? !!!!
- Coffee in bed, dear ...

Very few people know ...
That for the conception of the Inspector of the State Traffic Safety Inspectorate a condom is needed in the strip and an English pin.

- I sampled the "Thousand Island" sauce.
- And How?
- Imagine, there are not enough two.
... For sale ZAZ-968M Vrаbus.
News feed.
Yushchenko agreed with Putin on his support for Yanukovych in the 2006 parliamentary elections to guarantee his victory ...
Hefty ambals brakes the man in the doorway:
- You will not recognise me?
- No..
Ambal, getting a knife:
- I will be rich ...
- Which nation is the oldest in the world?
- The Moroccans. From them there were monkeys.
Egyptian and Mexican pyramids, Stonehenge, Easter Island statues ...
Every people has its own Tsereteli.
Head of Human Resources Department:
- When you come together with your mistress, you create a new workplace ...
Crime Chronicle:
Tonight there was a bold robbery of a sex shop. Stolen goods for a total of about twenty meters!
The wife says to her husband, the passionate hunter:
"Choose, dear, or I, or your hunting!"
Husband after a long silence:
"Okay, well, do you want me to hunt today for you?"
"What are you so preoccupied with?"
- Yes, I think how in a one-room apartment can accommodate seventy-five people invited by his wife on the anniversary of our wedding ...
- So you have a round date?
"No, my wife is a fool!"
- Katya, did you have a designer in your childhood?
- No, I liked the sailors of long voyage.
A patient:
- Doctor, I probably have heavy metal poisoning?
Doctor, looking at the results of the tests:
- Why do you think so?
A patient:
"It's just that the shit is drowning in the water ..."
Privileges of Russian officials should be greatly reduced!
And then the governors will buy up the entire English Premier League ...

- Who watched the horror movie yesterday?
- I.
"Go and take it with you."
"Maybe we'll go get pizza and fuck it." No?! You do not like pizza ?!
From life.
We recently drank beer with a friend, decided to buy fish. Well, they bought salmon sticks.
But the sticks themselves were not so shocked as the advertising inscription on them: "Noble and beautiful - a couple of chopsticks for beer!".
Willy-nilly you will think about ...
How to distinguish a fake dollar from the present?
A counterfeit dollar gives a stamp of doubt on the face of the American president ...
"Why do you have military coups so often in Africa?"
- So it's cheaper than elections.
From life.
I have one friend, Natasha - a small, pretty girl who does not look like her own 24 - at best, pulls 16 ...
It is worth it somehow at the bus stop, the bus is waiting for.
Ochechki, jacket, backpack. Schoolgirl and only. A very drunk uncle comes to her, about 30 years old, and, trying to look into her eyes, is unobtrusive and so, almost insinuatingly, but with an interest asks:
- Girl ... Are you already fucking?
To which Natasha, lowering his finger points at the tip of his nose and staring into his eyes, quite calmly and absolutely childly answers: "No, uncle ... While only the bus is waiting!

The Lord decided to correct Gd's affairs in Russian medicine and settled himself as a district doctor in a polyclinic ...
Comes to the reception for him the first patient - a paralytic on the stroller. God puts his hands on his head and says:
"Get up and go!"
He got up and went ...
Goes out into the corridor, there is a turn to the street, he is asked:
"Well, how's the new one?"
- Yes, like all of them - I have not even measured the pressure ...

According to unverified data from unnamed sources, unconfirmed information was received, which wished to remain anonymous
Work has made a man out of a monkey and it must be the same that it is he who is my boss
Man! Help your wife in cleaning the apartment - get your feet up when she vacuums!
Do not be born beautiful, and have a ugly girlfriend
Maturity comes when on the street you are treated to "Hey, man!", And not "Young man!"
The minus is already half of plus, and plus is, at times, the whole two minuses ...
The most religious propaganda among the Rastafarians at each traffic light
If a guy with a girl went to the forest for berries and the guy returns satisfied - it means that the berries collected a little
Husbands are of two categories: true and honest
We do not expect a miracle from the government, but we are just waiting for it to stop fishing
Dreams are seen by everyone, but not everyone at this time is sleeping
The dream of a woman is to be a dream woman
Happiness is the first year after the first divorce
Millionaire is an example for all the guys!
It is difficult to find a Negro in a dark room, especially if his eyes are punctured and his teeth are beaten out
Moderation is good in everything, including in moderation
It's easier not to let us go than to kick us out!
There is such a profession - protect yourself from the Motherland!
Ad. Firms require sweaty girls (can be scary and without a waist) for testing deodorants
There are no ugly men, there are poor!
When you stand too long on the edge of the abyss - you can call this land native
I ate the oil "President", but the president did not. I smoked a pack of cigarettes "Attache", but the attache from me did not work. And only when I drank the beer "Kozel", I felt that I was beginning to act ...
The troupe of the musical "Cats" was fired in full force, because she often went to the director on the carpet
If the result does not depend on the solution scheme, then this is mathematics, and if it depends, it is the accounting department
Not a gossip, but a journalist of word of mouth
At the collective farm assembly, the collective farm "Path of Lenin" was decided to be renamed the collective farm "Laziness of Putin"
Do not know how to ride - do not buy the right!
To find a common language with a person, sometimes you need to be able to keep silent
There was a dictionary of children's profanity. Now you will find out what words like "la", "agu-agu" and even the most terrible - "shaka- shak" mean,
A real optimist, even in the cemetery, instead of crosses sees the pros
The light at the end of the tunnel, which the dying see, is another indication that the soul is flying out of the body through the anus
Manya and Vanya are painters. They paint a wall of a high-rise building at the level of the 10th floor. Suddenly Vanya was impatient in a little way. - Hey, Man! Can `t stand! - And you go straight from the cradle! - Yes you sho! There are people below! - And you get stronger, just go into the fountain! - Yes, I'll go for it! - Not at all! I'll keep you! - Is it strong? - It's tough! Come on! Well, Vanya stood on the edge of the cradle, Manya holds him behind the belt, and the latter leans forward and easies into the pool. Beauty! And then Manet wanted to sneeze! Kaak sneezes and ... released Vanya, and he went down like a crock of crap ..... A few months passed. And here in one of the Merican bar three babes are sitting and discussing where the peasants are most eager for women. First: - I've just been in Paris, so these French did not give me a pass. Everyone strove to get into bed! It's in the order of things! The second: - It, the most willing - it's the Mexicans. I was there recently. They are all so sweaty, hairy! Straight eyes undress! Sperm already from the ears rushing! The third: - All this is nonsense! The wildest men in Russia! Think about it! A couple of months ago I was in Moscow. I walk along the street past the fountain. Suddenly I hear a sound from above. I raise my head and I see: a man is flying at me! The fly is unbuttoned, and he holds his hands to the member and yells: - P AND - AND - AND% D A - A - A !!! ...
The mother comes to her son and says: "Vasya, you have 10 rubles for you, take our pig to the boar, you need to make an offspring!" Vasya gathered, sat down on a motorcycle, put a pig in the cradle, put on a helmet and went. He goes past the woods and thinks: "Why should I take a pig to the boar? I'll take it out in the woods, but I'll spend 10 rubles!" And he did. The next day the situation repeats. Mother asks to take the pig to the boar, so surely! Vasya again gathered, put the pig beside him in the cradle, put the helmet on, and passed by the woods. Again he fucked a pig, but he drank money. On the third day, the mother says to her son: "Vasya, I do not know where you took our pig, but she's already in the motorcycle and she's wearing a helmet !!!"
A crow is sitting on a tree with cheese .. a fox is running:
- Vorona, are you going to the polls?
fox and cheese go, crow:
-However, if I said yes, would something change?

"You told me your parrot was talking." I've had so many times, but I have not heard a word from him.
- Simply he feels who it is dangerous to say unnecessary.

The mother wrote a letter to her son in prison: "It's hard, son, without you." Spring is in the yard, potatoes are soon planted, but there is nobody to dig up a vegetable garden. " The son writes the answer: "Mom, do not dig a garden. You will accumulate such that you will be imprisoned and I will be given a term". Answer from the mother: "Son, after your letter came the cops, shoveled the whole garden, did not find anything, left the evil, swear." Son: "Mom, what could - helped."

Preparing to launch a new American ballistic pack. On the tree near the platform there are two wolves.
- It will fly! - says one.
- It does not take off! - Speaks another.
There is a launch, and the packet explodes.
- It's you who cried!
"I serve the Soviet Union!"

At the entrance to the pet store a cage with a parrot hangs by a peasant passing by. A parrot:
- Man!
- A.
- Go to "%/!
The man took offense went to the administration of the store snitched, parrot punished.
The next day goes again, but already looks at the parrot and waits ...
Almost zavepnul round the corner and then:
- Man!
- A.
- Do you understand, Yes?

Once Chukcha married a Frenchwoman. After a while he was asked: "Well, how?" - "How about it? We have divorced long ago." - "Why?" "Yes, she turned out to be so dirty! She has to wash herself every day!"

Once Chukchu was asked: "How often do you wash?" "However, every six months." "Are you so seldom that you do not feel dirty?" "However, I feel it for the first two months, and then the mud itself falls off."

Chukchi goes to the bathhouse, leads a heifer and carries a large chimney.
He is asked: "Chukchi, why do you need a calf?" "However, we always go to the bath with the goats." - "Why pipe?" "However, I'll be buzzing all night."

In the head of my sawdust - It does not matter. Because I'm blonde ... yes, yes, yes!

- 99.99% of men at least once in life engaged in masturbation. - Well, and these, which in 0.01%, with them what? - It's armless.

Crow God at the entrance gave 4 volts.
Give birth to Caesarian - feel like a wolf from the Little Red Riding Hood!
"As soon as I find you - you will be married to a widow ..."
Soon, women's pads will absorb so much that they do not need to be changed.
Viagra is the same Disneyland. People wait half an hour or two to go for two or three minutes.
Do not tisipi my ip!
Why are not some corn sticks called "Nikita"?
Nationalism is not blood in the veins, it's piss in the head.
Russia has very few enemies, just NATO in the West, China in the East, the Islamic world in the south - and so all around friends ...
A box of vodka ... A can of salt cucumbers ... I know where I'll be AFTERNOON ...
In a woman boss has only one advantage - in the toilet she will not find you!
Useful little things. Dancing your partner, squeeze out of it the maximum pleasure.

Cheburashka all in tears runs for the crocodile Geno:
- Wait, Gena! After all, the fact that I was found in a box of oranges does not mean anything at all!
"Good-bye ..." said the crocodile Gene softly, sitting down in the blue car ...

The young mother enthusiastically recounts:
"Today we taught our little one to walk!"
- What for?! Do you have a car?

A commission comes to the orphanage - and there all are smoked.
To the Director:
- What it is?
- The chefs sent.
"What chefs?"
- Customs officers, confiscation.
- This muck ?!
Director, delaying:
- What an abomination ?! All the best - for children!

- Waiter! And what is a diet pizza?
"It's an ordinary pizza." But I sit down next to you and eat it with you ...

An elderly woman turns to the policeman:
"Officer, could you help me cross the street?"
"This minute!" Do you live on the other side?
"No, my bike is standing there!"

Two ladies talk about the infidelity of husbands. One says:
"I'm absolutely calm on this score." My husband is crazy about me.
- And what if enlightenment happens?

Natalia Mogilevskaya published a book called "A difficult choice: a rat or a bitch?".

From life.
In America, the graduates of the school took a goodbye, before the release, to arrange a rally so that the graduates will be remembered for a long time ... At the school where my sister is studying, the most legendary was this: three pigs with painted numbers 1, 2 and 4 were put into school days the administration was looking for a pig number 3!

"Dad, does a snowman exist?"
- No, son. This is our mother!

The colors of the Russian flag today look deeply symbolic: from the bottom up is Red-Blue-White.
The first letters of the names of these flowers give the name of the organization that seized power ...

The flag of Russia is a symbol of courage
Our life is a plague:
The bottom is red, the top is white,
Between them is blue.

- Neighbors complain that we at night turn on the vacuum cleaner. And this is not a vacuum cleaner, it's my wife talking to me!

- We went fishing with an overnight stay. So Seryoga, to not drink with us, sewn up. In the sleeping bag, from the inside!

- A black-black night in a black-black room comes to me with a wife in black-black underwear and black-black hair curlers and says: "Give my best years !!!".

The master, having finished the haircut, turns to the man:
"Maybe the cologne?"
- What do you? I'm just sewn!

- What would you like?
- Take a photo with your passport.
- But we have a hairdresser, not a photo studio.
- And on a fig then you in a show-window portraits ponaveshali?

There is a man in the woods. She sees a girl tied to a tree, her clothes torn.
- What happened?!
- I walked through the forest - attacked, tied up, raped ...
- Screaming ...
"Did she call for help?"
- I called ...
- And no one?
- No one ...
Man, unbuttoning his pants:
- Eh, the deafness ...

The tsar threw the message around the Internet: "Who will make my princess Nesmeyan laugh - I'll give it to the whole kingdom!" ...
And he had to give half the kingdom only in order to get rid of spam.

Yesterday in the forest was found the raped corpse of a maniac.
Yeah, the day of the police did not pass without a trace ...

- So, we rehearse! I say: what's your name girl? She told me: Masha. And I told her:
Here's Masha, sweetie! Then I go up to the boy, and I ask: what does your dad do? He answers: the director of the chocolate factory.
- So what is next?
- And then I give him a candy, he's sick - all fun ...

The director of the modeling agency collects the models and says:
- I want to tell you the parting word before today's show ... All of you are good models, visited the catwalks of London and Paris - but I'm sure that Lena will not disappoint you at the show today!
All, indignantly:
- And why is that?!
- Yes, simply because I do not take this fool !!!

- Sanya, of course, your girlfriend - a woman otpadnaya, no words - but she also in one ear flies in the other flies ...
- Not true! In a vacuum, sound does not spread!

- Yes, I whistle, here a crowd of girls will escape ...
- Do not whistle - there will not be money ...

A bear walks through the forest, sees - two frogs are sitting on a bitch.
"Hello, frogs!"
- Hey bear!
So word for word and got a bear pussy ...

- Yesterday I finally got courage and told my girl three treasured words.
- I love you?!
- No ... Go fuck you!

- Recently I was fucked by two Vitalikas. Imagine, one was behind, another I was doing blowjob - and everything happened so quickly ...
- Well, did you even have a wish to make a wish?

"What kind of dick?".
Participants are looking for a prize hidden in a showcase of sex shops behind one of the dildos ...

To leave! Far far away! On a silver horse in far-away fantastic countries.
To meet and fall in love with a beautiful princess! Fight for her at the knight's tournament, kill all the dragons and evil sorcerers. Become a king and give birth to a whole bunch of princes and princesses. Edit Wisely and fairly. And live happily ever after!
And not to sit fifteen years here, on the Solikamsk zone, for group rape!

A noble husband in his heart is serene. A low person is always concerned.

God grant everyone to have what those who have us have.

Women pay attention not to beautiful men, but to men with beautiful women.

Nothing makes a woman's face as meaningful as counting money.

Our company can send you de-
coral fabrics, material for our-
wok, you need to by the summer season of 2004. The
Lofan bags, bags, backpacks, armchairs-kata-
The wage is paid doubly. Large pi-
blankets, pillowcases, chandeliers in the form of
They are paid 30% cheaper. Hu-
dostichnye paint, brushes, glue for obo-
We can send you as much as you want, without extra charges.
Reread announce again through the line!

The junkie is driving in the tram, the controller comes up: - Your ticket. The addict picks up two fingers upwards (such as Victory). Controller: - What is this? Narc: - Hare.

If a woman gets angry, then she is not only wrong, but she understands this.

In my words, do not see lies and falsity, But, despite the fact that you are like my family, Go fuck you, or maybe even further, with an offer to work on the weekend.

It is better to be unfaithful than faithful without the desire to be.

The best decoration of the girl is modesty and a transparent dress.

- According to statistics, every third woman cheats on her husband.
- Yes, fuck me, your statistics, you give phones and addresses!
If a man looks at your eyes for a long time, you can be sure that he has already examined the rest.

The guy is walking along the beach and sees a beautiful girl. Approaches her and says: - Girl, you can not have a cigarette? She gives him a cigarette. "And the spark?" She gives him a lighter. - And maybe we'll get acquainted? "Can I not give you a drum?" - What for? - To lead the column going to hell!

There is a gross mistake in the office, which had terrible consequences.
The enraged chief runs into the room and grabs the subordinate for the breasts:
"One of us two is an idiot: either you or me!"
Subordinate (quietly):
"Chief, have you, with your experience and foresight, been able to hire an idiot?"

The first law of increase - Do not be irreplaceable. If you can not replace, then you can not improve.

A woman at a reception with a male dentist. He is lying on his armchair, his mouth in frost, the doctor is drilling something carefully. Then the patient starts to burst the cell phone. After the fifth bell, the doctor does not stand up: he grabs the phone frantically: "Alla!" - Alye! (also a male voice) Doctor: - Who are you ?? !!! MG: - HUSBAND !!!! Doctor: - Listen, husband, I'll finish right now, she will spit and call back !!!

The grandfather tells his grandfather a story: "The Germans came to our village, built all the men and they say:" Choose: either we will release you, or shoot you. " - Grandfather, and what next ?? - They shot me, granddaughter, shot ...

The heart of a girl is a mystery,
So said one poet.
If even loves it sweetly,
All the same answer - NO!

Wait, do not drink from the toilet!
There are germs, there is an infection!
Toss the handle, water the drain,
Pen sue, then drink.

Who in the world is more courageous,
All the more beautiful and intelligent?
A rhetorical question...
If the muzzle is looking in the nose!

Entertainer enters the scene:
Solo on a sluggish penis without akkompomineta.
In the hall there was a shocked silence. The entertainer looks thoughtfully at the prompter.
Pardon ... Solo on the cello without accompaniment ...

Mom is busy in the kitchen, but with the edge of her ear she listens as her seven-year-old son plays with her new electric train.
The engine stops and the son says:
- Ta-ah, all the bastards who need to go out - the ass from the chairs was torn off and the fuck in the aisle was the last stop in front of Boston ... And those bitchy children, who in this fucking city were in need - too, do not scratch the eggs - quickly blew up into the car, we're leaving in two minutes! Mom in perfect shock runs into the living room:
- Sonny, what are you doing ?! So you can not talk at home! Go to the room now and TWO HOURS think about what you just said! When you leave - you can play again with a train ... Two hours later the son comes out of his room and plays again with a train ... The train stops and my mother hears: "We remind all passengers leaving our train not to forget their things ..." Thank you for traveling with us and looking forward to seeing you again. Dear passengers traveling to Boston, please take seats; we remind you that the luggage can be placed under the seats. Please do not smoke on the train. Then, after a short pause:
- And if someone fucks hard, that the train with the departure for two hours was late - go and yourself with that bitch in the kitchen understand!

<Doctor-Shlyager>, <Man-Hit> - as soon as they did not call Vyacheslav Dobrynin drunk yesterday, if only he got into a taxi and quickly left home.

The woman is calling the store: -Hi, do you have any wallpaper?
-There is.
-Thank you.
Five minutes later, it's the same:
- Do you have any flowers?
-Yes there is.
-Thank you.
In a minute:
-And with apples, too?
- And there are apples.
Again she:
-And with butterflies?
-With butterflies, too.
The bell.
-Do you have any, fun ones?
-Come on, bitch! You'll laugh

On the beach a young man approaches a girl:
- Girl you are beautiful! I want you!
- Oh, well, you! I'm shy!
- Yes? Well, sorry! - turns and leaves.
The girl shouts after him:
- Oh oh oh! He wants so much, how I'm shy!

Cholovik veda car, and in the time of yogo sututnitsya pochinaє robiti yomu minet. Він втрачає control over yourself, хапає hands її for the ear.
The machine, in an hour, vrizayetsya at stovb. Cholovik come to those, and zhinki handrails are not much, and є lishe її wooha in the hands of a ch'i cholovka. Він вскакує з машини і бачить перехожого. Eating in this:
"Did not you get a fuck without a fool?"
- Ні, - відповідає that, without vuh not bachiv. and the axis with a member in the teeth - tudi defeated.

Once my girlfriends invited me to a "hen party". I informed my husband about this, and promised to return no later than midnight. "I promise, I'll be home at twelve - like a bayonet!" I ardently assured. The party was wonderful! Champagne is delicious, and the time flew by completely unnoticed. As a result, I, drunk as a drunk, priplela home around three o'clock in the morning. Only I crossed the threshold, the cuckoo clocked in the living room three times! Instantly realizing that my husband could wake up when he heard the cuckoo, and I could not escape 3,14 inches, I did not hesitate to prokoshovala nine more times. If he heard the cuckoo, let him think it's midnight now. Secretly proud of my ingenuity, I crept into my bedroom with my mouse and quietly lay down under the side of my strict husband. The next morning at breakfast, he asked me when I returned. Making an innocent face, I said: "It's exactly twelve." Just the clock in the living room struck midnight. - Yes, I heard. My husband answered unperturbedly. F-uuu! It seems that I managed to avoid the scandal! After a pause, her husband said: - Honey, we need to urgently change the cuckoo in the clock. - ???? - Yesterday, I heard the cuckoo baking three times, then she said: "Oh, blah!", I choked four more times, then cleared her throat, choked 3 times again, giggled and prokukovav remaining two times, stepped on the cat.