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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The lesson in Gruzia. Teacher:
- Children. Write down the suggestions: "From the great wall came two kurits".
Have you recorded it? Now write down one more sentence: "From the Great Wall
one more kuric came out. "Then, Gogi, tell me how much
did the kuric come out of the wall?
- Three, teacher.
- It's wrong. Four.
- Why four?
- Because one of the couples went unnoticed!

There is a peasant, he looks - the Chukchi puts a pillar and climbs on it. Fall, put and climb again. The peasant begs him:
- What are you doing?
- I measure the height of the column.
- So you put it and measure it.
- So this, however, the length will be, but I need the height.

Caught a wolf (B) peasant (M):
(B) - Well, everything, man! Get ready - I'll have you now ... or I will not. Now if you fulfill the three desires of some person, then I do not treat you.
The man was delighted, agreed. A wolf catches a woman (F) and asks:
(B) - What do you want?
(F) - A man ...
Joyful man quickly fulfilled his first desire. (B) - And what else do you want?
(F) - Another man ...
The man strained, won, fulfilled the second desire.
(B) - Well, what about your last wish? What do you want?
(F) - Again a man!
(M) - Wolf! Eat me!!!

The British, French and Russian argued that the longer one would stay in the refrigerator.
The British took cards, whiskey and climbed up. We spent a day - could not stand it and got out. The French took wine and women. We stayed for 2 days and got out too. The Russians took moonshine and a snack. They sit for a week, the second. They think they are frozen there, we must see. The man opens the door, and kicked him in the face and the door closes again. Voice from the refrigerator:
"Vanya, what are you doing with him?"
"It's cold here, and he's still opening the door!"

A man came to the beach. The people - no one. Undressed and swam away. He swam, swims to the shore, and near his underwear the girl sits and reads the book. What to do?
He dived again into the water. He looks at the bottom of the basin. He took it, blocked it before and went up to the girl:
- Hello, beautiful girl!
- Hello.
"What are we doing?"
- Yes, I read the book, - she answers.
"And what about the book?"
- Yes, how can I guess thoughts.
"What do I think now?" he asks.
- You think that the basin has a bottom.

Sin bathed in the sea. Father:
- Sink. Oce is the sea. Sin, scho all zhittya at the steppe after living i nivit richki not bachiv:
"De-ee?" Father:
"Oh, son, the sin, all the oceans are water-that's the sea!"
"De-ee-ee?" We went into the colo in the water.
"Sink, be amazed!" The sky is the sky, the earth, and the blue is the sea!
"De-ee-ee?" We went in for shiu. Father:
- Sink! You must see the sea!
"De-ee-ee?" Batko yogi for a shi, that squeak near the water. For hvilina vityague. Syn:
- Father! Shchoo Tselo?
- The sea, the blue, the sea ..

They send the soldiers on the plane, one of them asks:
- And we will be given parachutes in case of an accident?
- No, it is not allowed.
- And when we were transported on the ship, we were given life jackets.
- Yes, on the ship so it is necessary.
- Wow! I did not expect that people who can fly, more than people who can swim!

A soldier sent abroad to serve, wrote to his parents: "I can not say where I serve, but I tell you that I'm going to ask the first local counterman, is not he ashamed of his ancestors who invented gunpowder."

Rain. Mud. The general goes to the army. On the way he sees a jammed truck of his unit. All right, so be it, we need help.
We got out with the chauffeur and began to push. They drove in the mud, but the truck was pushed out.
The general, wiping his sweat and shaking hands with the driver of the truck, says:
- Heavy, however.
- Yes, - he replies, - I have a company of demobilized people going home.

Before I left for America, I worked for a year at a large factory in Moscow at the Computing Center.
For dinner, we went to a big canteen in the factory canteen, in which, it must be given credit, they fed well. And there was an aunt working there, she was always wicked, always walked with a rag, wiped herself off the tables and muttered something to herself.
Once I heard what she was grumbling to herself.
It turned out, here's what:
- And walk, and eat, and eat, and eat ....

But there was a case ...
Somehow my acquaintances took a walk. It was not that 23
not on the 8th of March. Well, as usual, they bought vodka, snacks and
as they say, "on the hut". There were 4-5 people. We arrived,
go in
in the elevator, press a button and in anticipation of going. And here
In the middle, the elevator stops and refuses to continue
go. Doors
too, do not open. Stings, stings on the "challenge", but no one on
did not come. In short, after a while decided to "start"
in the elevator,
the benefit of everything was with him. Although uncomfortable, but fun.
Finally, somewhere
in two and a half - three hours, when the brigade arrived and
"captives", the latter were very cheerful and with difficulty without
help could get out of the elevator ... The holiday was a success.

A remarkable story about a teacher who christened the variable "pi with a shackle" reminded me of a similar case at the Faculty of Mechanics of Saratov University, where I studied a quarter of a century ago. Our unruffled and serious teacher of differential equations introduced a completely trivial coordinate system XYZ. Then, along the way, he changed the direction of the Z axis and called the new U axis. Then he changed direction of the axis again, called it "U with a wave" and appropriately marked it.
So until the end of the lecture and worked in the coordinate system "XYU with a wave."
We conscientiously recorded the lecture, and only when we began to prepare for the exams, my friend opened his eyes wide: "Just look what my notebook has written!"

One cool wanted to be smart. I bought an intelligent book.
Sold more expensive. And he thought: "A couple more smart books and I'll be smart."
One cool guy met another cool guy. "Well, Che, sukanabl?"
- Yes, Th, sukanabl. So they talked. One cool guy met another cool guy. - Cool? - Cool.
- And I'm cool.
- Cool. We talked.
One cool fart in the tram. Then he thought: "But the steep in the trams do not go." He went out and farted in the street.
One steep deceived another steep. He was offended and deceived the third.
He offended and offended the fourth. Then the chief came steep and restored justice, collecting from all over the lemon.
The plan for general medical examination, pasteurization and sanitation.
A set is announced for the sick. Ready or not, here I come.
It is difficult in treatment - it is easy in paradise. Endure.
To tolerate it is easier, the House of Tolerance opens.
The order is patient in the order of the first line.
The most patient will be clinicized.
The most impatient - pasteurized.
What does the sewer do not know, but the word is good.

The action is one of the ways to turn money into a valuable paper.
Auction - a buy-sell show, where space prices are set by aliens.
Exchange - there is decided the fate of your wallet or life.
Broker - broker, intermediary. Not to be confused with the broiler, which long ago disappeared from everyday life. Brokers are larger, more fat and more expensive.
Currency - what for now, as before, give the highest measure.
Marketing - a comprehensive analysis of the mirage emerging in the desert:
market, goods and caravan manufacturers.
The manager is the one who manages the firm, corrected for the wind, which he himself creates.
Real estate is a kind of contribution by mixing the money supply with land, sand and cement.
Deal - when two low contracting parties spit on all four.
Sponsor is the one who finds it easier to part with money, than to explain where they got it from.

If you get satisfaction from your work - then you are a prostitute.
... And if you do not have time to run after the ball - you are in the Russian national football team!
Women, remember that when a man tells you: "Yes!" - he sometimes just does not have time to finish the sentence: "Yes ... you went!".
Eat << Rastishku >> from << Danon >> - you will get to serve in the riot police!
The virgin is no better than a debaucher - both, in essence, think about the same thing ...
Buying unlicensed programs, you help Osama bin Laden.
The little boy lived on the ninth floor - but only reached the sixth ...
I had to live there!
Eroticism is a pitiful parody of pornography.
The most expensive Tetris was at Binladen ...
Labor made a monkey man. Work can go away.
A real tragedy is when you marry for love, and then you find out that this goat has not a penny for the soul!
Already on the basis of night, I'm not all omnietc ...

- Manya! Come out for me?
- In what shift?

- Jews! Accept Christ!
"We already had it!" We gave it to you! Gifts are not gifts!
- Oh, Mom, what kind of butter you fry?!?!
- What's wrong?! You just need to spend!
- Mom, but do not fry on the engine!
- Yesterday the boys from the third school opened the hatch, took out the cable from it, tied it to the dump truck and began to watch the third school disappear behind the bend!
My wife and I - for safe sex! We masturbate in different rooms ... What is it safe, I already convinced her ... Now I'm trying to convince that IT is sex ....
"I will answer questions only in the presence of my personal psychiatrist!"
Husband: - Yes, it's true that I promised you gold mountains - but there was no talk about the washing machine ...
- "Egg choice" .... Who was selected?
- Do chicken, essesno!
- And they did not resist?
- Those who resisted - are sold in the next section ...
- Guys, it seems to me that in our room someone is smoking. It's either you - a boy with green ears, or you - an elephant!
The day before yesterday came representatives of the "Tide" - asked to look at the shirts.
Yesterday, representatives of the "Duckling" came to ask for a look at the toilet.
Today representatives of "Blendamed" come - they will look at their teeth ...
We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of representatives of Alvaws and Tampax!
Putin and his advisers are discussing the political course ...
- Here's what we'll do: we'll announce that Zhirinovsky is fucking pigs!
"Vladimir Dimirovich!" Duck, it will be ... not true!
- It's not true - but think how it will sound his refutation ...
- Hi dear! And where have you been?
- A neighbor.
- It's strange! Your shirt smells like you were running ...
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, do not you think that the new system for appointing governors is a remix of the tsarist state system?
- So, I'm tired of your black blouse, your glasses, your manner of adjusting the bangs and asking smart questions. I got up and left the place!
Little Red Riding Hood comes to Grandma:
- Grandma, I brought pies to you! Eat faster while hot!
- Later, my granddaughter - I still did not digest the wolf ...
Students at the end of the session rolled a feast with all the necessary.
The next morning one of the walkers, having gone crazy, said:
- Can you imagine, Borya - all the night long they were in a hurry, they floundered to the music ...
In the morning, look - and we do not have a tape recorder. That's how uncooked!
At the end of the working day the elderly accountant turns to the young:
- Masha - please close the fist ...
"Do not teach me what to do!" Better close yours!
The husband calls his wife, she worries:
- Where are you dear?
- Have a mistress.
- Well, thank God! And I thought - again on the Maidan ...
- It is known that a man differs from a boy in the value of toys. A woman from a girl?
- The quality of these: girls like soft toys, and women - hard.
Two out of the bank, talking. The last sentence is heard:
Is he a controlling stake? What he wanted! A control shot to him!
- The girl - do you have a cute sister, or look like you?
Announcement: "A criminal is wanted." Special signs: curls black, brow high, bright face, stately steps. "
- Again our auto mechanic had sex with the client!
"How did you determine this?"
- Look - his middle finger is absolutely dazzlingly pure!
In the US, an invisible fighter FA-22 Rotor crashed.
... Or maybe not...
- Guys, I learned to read the mind! .. Everything. Got it! I'm leaving.
- Hello, this is the program "Weak Link" and I, Maria Kiseleva. Today our sponsor is the new laxative "Unimol". And I do not have time to ask a question ...
- How can you not so often spend the night at home, and your wife forgives you every time?
- Well, so I always bring her a certificate that I was with a mistress!
"And who is this mistress?"
- Chief doctor of the sobering-up station!
My husband returned from fishing - and his wife said to him:
- Go, check - did not you catch anything!
Why do some people write a seven with a horizontal dot in the middle, although the typewriter is used on typewriters and computers, without a line?
Simply when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, began to read to his people the Ten Commandments and reached the seventh commandment "Do not commit adultery" - the people began to chant in unison: "Cross out the seven, cross out!".
The criminal chronicle.
Yesterday at the "Wallpaper" store was detained drunk a Russian teacher ...
She tried to fix the sign of the store on "Both".
Examination at the military department. Summer, excellent weather, the entire examining commission was wiped out with a terrible force, someone looks into the open window, someone quietly slumbers. It turns out to answer something about the tank student, who never saw him alive, even from a distance, but only on TV at the parade (and that's not a fact). On this occasion, they have already hanged some scheme depicting the structure of the tank. The student takes a pointer and, turning to the half-hearted commission, starts answering on the ticket, poking a pointer into the diagram: "This is the tank's tower, this is the tank's caterpillar, but this is the clitoris's tank ..."
Commission as a current struck, all in one voice, turning to the scheme:
- Where? !!!!!
... The student had in mind the clearance, the gap between the bottom and the ground ...

Young people in moments of intimacy.
She is:
"How beautiful you are!" And do you know how nice it is with a handsome man to have sex?
He paused: "No!"
There is a young couple - it seems that the husband and wife. They are obviously in a hurry. He: - I so want to eat, that a little bit more - and I'll start eating ...
She (in a lazy voice):
"Well, where do you start?"
Is he:
- Well, so that it was invisible!
She (already interested):
- This is from what ?!
He thinks, she finds the answer:
"From the brain?"
The patient tries to persuade the doctor to let him go home because of full mental sanity. When asked why he was brought here by the police, he replied that they simply did not know that he was a real he. And all the other "he" - just his copies, which "they" began to clone immediately after they put in his head microchips. And he will probably have to kill himself to stop the cloning process.
The simplest anal vibrator can be obtained by putting a condom on an electric toothbrush. The simplest does not mean safe.
The stoned guy his no smoky girlfriend convinced that by inserting a member of the battery acid mixed with baking soda, you can get an eternal riser. There is nothing more for the guy to stand.
The patient complained that when he puts his finger in his ear, he does not hear anything.
Another patient, apparently the brother of the previous one (according to reason), woke up because he was crawling into his ear cockroach. Without hesitation, he plugged his ear with his finger (so that the cockroach did not crawl out) and rushed to the nearest emergency room for emergency assistance (so that the cockroach was pulled out). I do not know what led them in their actions. Perhaps the desire to take revenge on a broken insect. But when lidocaine was poured into the patient's ear, he complained that this was a very nasty sensation. The cockroach to him apparently naobrot, I liked it.
Before the fight, the woman pulled out an artificial eye and, for better security, decided to hide it in her vagina. Extracted specialists.
The man decided to make himself a circumcision. For local anesthesia, he chose dry ice. When the ice stuck to the head, I thought of thawing it with boiling water.
The patient decided to drink paints from pains in the abdomen, because he decided that she would "cover the walls of the stomach with a thick protective layer" no worse than pepto-bismol from advertising.
The patient was taken by ambulance with a 12-inch (30 cm) artificial limb stuck in her ass. Two hours after the extraction, she was again delivered with the same diagnosis, because "now the hole has probably been worked out."
The patient had a detachable denture that did not hold well on the gums. So he thought of sticking it with superglue.
13-year-old girl decided to go for a swim, despite the huge plaster bandage. Inside, everything was soaked and sand piled up. At first the girl tried to scrape out the sand with a curved wire hanger, tearing the skin. And then she poured salt in there, so she "absorbed water." On the question of doctors to parents, whether the girl has any developmental delays, the father replied "I understand why you ask, but no."
After severe diarrhea, the patient tried to soften the anus with turpentine.
Another patient tried to treat constipation with a vodka enema.
The 97-year-old old woman fell and lay on the floor without moving or talking for 6 days. Her overage child of an unspecified sex decided that her mother was asleep. When my mother cooled down, she was covered with blankets and equipped with heaters. The smell did not arouse any suspicion. But after 6 days, an ambulance was called. Suddenly, something is amiss.
Another genius thought of treating diarrhea with a laxative. "So that everything will end and end." Took at once two different, for reliability.
An ambulance called a man who suspected that the barman had poured him too much alcohol. The caller demanded to take him to the hospital and check the level of alcohol in the blood in order to prick a scoundrel.
The patient knew that his friend was suffering from uncontrollable convulsions. And still decided to do with her oral sex.
The obese (200+ kg) patient is delivered with pain in the groin. The diagnosis: crushed his own eggs, sitting on them.
The patient with open fractures of both hands, accompanied by circulatory disorders, tried to engage in masturbation, to escape from the pain. Not the best idea.
The peasant was returning home after a night in a billiard room, without strapping himself on his belt, and drove into the post. It's unclear how it happened, but it ended up cueing in the ass.
And again on stage our friend is a 30-centimeter artificial member. The Marine during sexual games with his wife managed to shove it into his ass with a stopper placed at the non-working end specifically to prevent such incidents. In order to avoid a scandal, he came to a civil hospital where the doctor put the resolution "out of the question" and still sent him to his native army.
A favorite explanation of patients regarding foreign bodies in the rectum: "it stood on the floor, and I slipped and fell on it." Most often we are talking about bottles with shampoo. With a 30-centimeter dildo, such explanations certainly do not roll.
It's not my fault that the most ridiculous stories are related to foreign objects in the ass. But we are talking about them again. When a patient put a ping-pong ball there, he soon discovered that it was not so easy to get it back. A round and slippery ball avoided any attempts to extract it. Then the patient realized to make himself a cement enema to fix a damn toy. Removing a frozen modern sculpture is already a doctor under anesthesia.
Caught the savages of the group of tourists, they approached the leader.
Leader: So, we kill women, peasants e .. m.
Baba: Eh, are the men fucking?
Guys: Fuck, fuck!

Muzhik built the house and got married. A year later the house burnt down, his wife was exhausted.
Muzhik again built the house and married. A year later the house burnt down, his wife was exhausted.
Muzhik in the third time built the house and got married. A year later the house burnt down, his wife was exhausted.
The mezhik begged:
- Great God, why do you punish me like this? !!!.
And he hears from heaven the voice of God:
- Hmm ... ny just do not like you to me ... ;-(.

The bridegroom - another: "Before the first night at night, I'll spread a member of the green crust."
Another: "Why?"
The groom: "And the wife questions -" Why is it you have green? "- and I told her in
the answer: "And where did you see the other?" :)

The new head assembled the team and announced a plan for the week:
- On Monday we rest from Saturday and Sunday holidays. Tuesday - preparation for serious work. On Wednesday we are working hard. On Thursday we rest from hard work. Friday - preparation for Saturday and Sunday holidays.
Any questions? One worker climbs: - It's Th, we will work every Wednesday ?!

The peasant brought the peasant home at night, and the drunk himself was barely able to stand on his feet, well, he wanted it, and the woman had a period. Well, he was satisfied with her understandable business and sent the lady and he himself fell asleep. In the morning the head wakes up, it splits, looks at the hands and says in horror:
"I probably killed her ... Then I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror:
- And then I probably ate ...

A man complains to another
- My wife completely depleted me: as I go home, so she stands at the door and says:
Breathe! How he smells alcohol and leaves at the door to spend the night.
- And you drink "Solntseedar", she never forgets ...
... -Well, how did it help?
- No, I come home, it's as usual: "Breathe!". I'm breathing. After some meditation, my wife says to me: "Breathe in your breath, I said with my mouth!"

In the bus, a man in a state of easy drinking constantly comes upon the foot of an intelligent. But since he is also an intellectual, he is politely interested:
- Oh, I'm not bothering you?
And so five times. And, finally, gets the answer:
- No, nothing. Do not worry - once again, and in the face!

The overcrowded bus braked sharply, and an elderly passenger involuntarily grabbed his shoulder beside a standing lady.
"Listen," she gets angry, "but you could not grab something else?"
"Do not tempt me, madam!"

"Girl, take your foot off the composter."
- Aha! I'll take it away, but you will!

A sinner comes to the church for confession:
"Holy Father, I sinned: I walked along the street somehow two weeks ago and suddenly I look - the sky clouded, thought to the rain, went to the godmother for tea ... and sinned with the kuma.
"God will forgive, my son."
- But a week ago I walked through the park and again the sky rolled over, thought to the rain, went to the mother-in-law for tea and ... sinned with my mother-in-law.
"God will forgive, my son."
- But that's not all, just two days ago I walked through the city and again the sky was clouded with clouds, I thought to the rain and decided to go to tea and ... and sinned with my father-in-law.
Holy Father (went to the window and said): - You are a fool to my son, or else I look at the sky in clouds ...
The beginning is half the battle, the end is the head!
Then one comedian approached, asked if it could be replaced by something, I told him - no. First there, then here.
The radio station should be in the head of the column chief.
We perform in the evening at dawn.

Comrade cadet, if you want to say something, then you better keep quiet.
Comrade cadet, if you are a moron, then say so, and there is nothing to break the gun.
Silence, I'm asking you!

First people will pass, and then we will go.
What do you approach me with such hands, with such legs!
So that I will not see a single personnel in the barracks!
Cadet, take your hands out of your mouth!
Bring you to a clean field, put your face to the wall and shoot a bullet in the forehead, so that you will remember for the rest of your life!
If a woman is a beautiful secret - then it does not have girlfriends ...
Of the two evils, the most vicious wins. So good appears.
Happiness, it's not in money ... Happiness, it's in money!
Russia has two troubles: Spain and Portugal.
He was strong in chess - he easily lifted a full bag of queens with one hand!
The seven goats and the wolf without an eye.
We met two novice hunters in the forest! Both corpses!
Car of the Eye - feel ... disabled!
She said that she did not get it in the photos ... and she did not lie.
The buttons fastened on the woman look ugly, and the unbuttoned buttons are delicious!
In our time of sexual revolutions and reforms, the saying << Before the wedding will heal >> acquires some other meaning ...
A woman as a cigarette - some advise to quit, others ask to be dragged out.
The Estonians were lucky to catch the goldfish, but when he started talking about his desire - then the fish is somehow not so smelled ...
- Gogi, do not you get banners?
"Nat, I wash myself at home ..."
From the order: "In addition to the term" Probable adversary ", put into circulation the terms:" Perhaps an ally, "" Apparently, a traitor "and" Partisan, if not scared. "
"Comrade ensign - do you know how to interest an idiot?"
- No, but how ?!
"Tomorrow I'll tell you ..."
"Bush is coming to visit!" Cognac bought?
- Have you forgotten - Putin calls to spend resources optimally! Paint vodka with dioxin, and that's the end of it.
"Darling, delicious cake!"
- I bought it in the store.
"And will you bake it yourself?"
- Of what? We have no flour, no eggs, no glutamate of sodium, no E517, no E1452! ...
Wife to husband:
"You see what you are like!" You always do not care! He promised to wash the dishes, and he himself fell on the sofa!
"Well, if I promised, so be it ... Take the dishes here - I'll wash it!"
From the television interview of V. Chernomyrdin:
- Victor Stepanovich - and how, in your opinion, should Russia's policy be built with the countries of the former CIS?
- Well, if you are talking about our near neighbors - then I believe that!

Placard in the tax inspection: "The art of taxation is to pluck the goose so as to get the maximum amount of down with a minimal hiss."
The first course, the teacher asks the first-year student:
- Tell us about the polarization of light.
She responds to him:
- And I'm not Sveta, I'm Natasha!
My wife's friend told me ...
He works at the chemist's shop, which is located in a grocery store.
And then a man comes in and starts to roam about all departments.
Sharriets, sharytsya - then goes to the drugstore and begins to study the condoms in meditation.
Well, she could not stand it - and foolishly asked:
- Can I help you?
To which the man scowled at her and replied:
"No ... it's better than vodka ..."
"Maria, tell me a story!"
- Erotic?
- No, it's terrible! Otherwise I could not sleep last time!
Про компьютеры точно знаю одно: если все провода на вашем компьютере заплетены в аккуратные, трогательные косички - то ваш компьютер собирала женщина.
Причём собирала в школу!
- Где был?
- В секс-шопе. Женщину купил.
- А чего такая маленькая?
- Пробник!
- Сборную России по футболу клонировали - и она сыграла сама с собой...
- Ну и как?!
- Наши проиграли!
- Как мне найти адрес "улица Красноармейская, дом 15"?
- Пройдите прямо и сверните направо за бывшим овощным магазином...
- Да идиш ты на!.. Иврит твою мать...
"Похоже, он меня не уважает..." - девушка снова перечитала sms-ку на своём телефоне: "света, да пошла ты на хуй!".
"... Моё имя написал с маленькой буквы!" - подумала она.
Выходит русский турист на балкон своей гостиницы в Таиланде утром, оглядывает пляж и удивлённо говорит: - Бля, от это мы вчера Рождество отметили...
Вчера сдавал экзамены автоматом...
Патронов в обойме хватило только на преподов по философии и социологии.
Юркие, паскуды!!!
- У нас вся деревня грибами отравилась.
- Как, сразу все?!
- Не... Сначала один. А потом на его поминках односельчане доели оставшиеся...
Владимир Жириновский предложил В. Януковичу оспаривать результаты переголосования в Басманном суде города Москвы...
- Между прочим, моя дочка отправляется на конкурс "Мисс Вселенная".
- Что-о-о-о! Твоя бегемотиха!
- Yes.
- Так она же у тебя таких габаритов, что уже ни в одно платье не влезает!
- Читай по губам. Она будет участвовать в конкурсе мисс ВСЕ-ЛЕН-НА-Я!
Новости дорожной инспекции.
Резкое снижение скорости автомобилей было получено при замене лежачего полицейского на лежачую полицейскую.
- Мама, что за ерунду ты мне говоришь?! Почему это меня аист принёс?! Что - у папаши уже не встаёт?!
Дед Мороз хвастается Санта-Клаусу:
- А моя Снегурочка первое место на конкурсе заняла!
- Поздравляю. А что за конкурс?
- "Мисс Фригидность".
- Доктор, у меня такое предчувствие, как будто во мне сидят два человека.
Один говорит: "Пей!", а другой: "Не пей!"
- Ясно. А вы научите их угощать друг друга...
Выпивают русский, хохол и еврей.
- Хочу, чтобы все москали сдохли!
- Хочу, чтобы все хохлы сдохли!
- Ну, за сказанное!
- Чем отличается доберман от Либермана?
- Доберман обрезан сзади!
Идёт конкурсный набор сопрано. Конец дня, дирижёр измучен, заходит женщина
- он спрашивает, не глядя:
- Сопрано?
- Нет, меццо...
- Ну вы что - читать не умеете?! Видите, написано чёрным по белому - со-пра-но...
- Да вы не нервничайте, давайте попробуем.
Дирижёр, не желая спорить, говорит:
- Хорошо, попробуем... ДО возьмёте?
- Да нет проблем... А можно после?!
За столом обедают отец и старший сын. Мать ставит блюда на стол...
Сын, заметив, что отцу поставили больше еды, говорит - мол, мамаша своему ёбарю кладёт больше.
На что отец запустил в него тарелкой. Промахнувшись, он попал в голову мирно сравшему на горшке младшему сыну...
- В рот я ебал эту семейку... научусь ходить - съебусь отсюда!