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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Lesson in the Green. Teacher:
- Children. Write down the sentences: "Out of the great wall came two little birds."
Recorded? Now write down another sentence: "From the great wall
one more chick came out. "They made a note? Then, Gogi, tell me how much
chickens out of the wall?
- Three, teacher.
- unfortunate. Four.
- Why four?
- Because one chicken came out imperceptibly!

There is a man, looks - Chukchi puts a pillar and climbs on it. Falls again and climbs. A man asks him:
- What are you doing?
- I measure the height of the pillar.
- So you put it and measure it.
- So it is, however, the length will be, but I need a height.

Caught the wolf (B) man (M):
(B) - Well, everything, man! Get ready - I'll eat you now ... or I won't. Now, if you fulfill the three wishes of a person, then I will not be with you.
The man was delighted, agreed. A wolf catches a woman (F) and asks:
(B) - What do you want?
(F) - Man ...
Joyful man quickly fulfilled the first desire. (B) - And what else do you want?
(F) - Another man ...
The man tensed, won, fulfilled the second desire.
(B) - Well, the last wish? What do you want?
(F) - Again a man!
(M) - Wolf! Eat me!!!

Arguing the British, French and Russian who will stay longer in the refrigerator.
The British took with them cards, whiskey and climbed. sat for a day - did not stand it and got out. The French took the wine and women. We sat for 2 days and also got out. The Russians took the brew and snack. Week sit, the second. They think they are frozen there, we must see. A man opens the door, and he is kicked in the face and the door closes again. Voice from the refrigerator:
- Vanya for what are you doing?
“It's so cold here, and he still opens the door!”

A man came to the beach. People - no one. Stripped naked and swam. He swims, swims to the shore, and near his linen, the girl sits and reads a book. What to do?
He dived again into the water. Looks at the bottom of the basin lies. He took it, blocked it in front and approached the girl:
- Hello, beautiful girl!
- Hello.
- What are we doing?
“Why, read the book,” she replies.
- What about the book?
- Yes, how to guess the thoughts.
- What am I thinking now? he asks.
- You think that the basin has a bottom.

Sin's father came to the sea. Old Man:
- Shinku. Oce the sea. Shin, scho lived all life at the steppe and lived the rivers without baching:
- de-ee? Old Man:
- Oce, blue, all otsya water - tse sea!
- de-ee? Come on kolino in the water.
- Cincu, wonder! Oce the sky, from the earth, and oce the blue - tse sea!
- de-ee? Come on shi. Old Man:
- Shinku! Evaluate the waters of the stoish - all the sea!
- de-ee? Old Yogi for Shea, that squeak at the water. For Khvilin Vityaguye. Syn:
- Old Man! Scho tse bulo ?!
- Sea, blue, sea ..
- de-ee?

Forward soldiers on the plane, one of them asks:
- Will they give us parachutes in case of an accident?
- No, not allowed.
- And when we were transported by ship, they gave us life jackets.
- Yes, on the ship so it is necessary.
- Wow! I didn’t assume that people who can fly are more than people who can swim!

A soldier sent to serve abroad wrote to his parents: “I cannot tell where I serve, but I inform you that I’m going to ask the first local resident if he is ashamed of his ancestors who invented gunpowder.”

Rain. Mud. The general goes to the army. On the way, he sees the stuck truck of his unit. Well, so be it, need help.
They got out with the driver, began to push. Weathered in the mud, but the truck pushed.
The general, wiping sweat and shaking hands with the driver of the truck, says:
- Heavy, however.
- Yes, - he answers, - I have a company of demobels there, he is going home.

Before going to America, I worked for a year at a large factory in Moscow in the Computing Center.
For lunch we went to the factory canteen in a big crowd, in which, we must pay tribute, we fed well. And one aunt worked there insane, was always angry, all the time went with a rag, wiped from the tables and mumbled something under her breath.
Once I listened to what she was grumbling to herself there.
It turned out that:
- And go, and devour, and devour, and devour ....

But there was a case ...
Somehow my friends gathered for a walk. It was not that 23
not the 8th of March. Well, as usual, bought vodka, snacks and
what is called "the hut". There were 4-5 people. Arrived
come in
in the elevator, press a button and in anticipation of going. And here
in the middle the elevator stops and refuses further
go. Doors
also do not open. They pressed, they pressed on the "challenge", but nobody on
did not come. In short, after some time decided to "start"
in the elevator,
all was good with me. Although uncomfortable, but fun.
Finally, somewhere
after two and a half - three hours, when the brigade arrived and
"captives", the latter were very merry and with difficulty without
help could get out of the elevator ... Celebration was a success.

A wonderful story about a teacher who dubbed the variable “pi with handle” reminded me of a similar case at the Mechanics and Mathematics Department of Saratov University, where I studied a quarter of a century ago. Our imperturbable and serious teacher of differential equations introduced a completely trivial coordinate system XYZ. Then, along the way, he changed the direction of the Z axis and called the new U axis. Then he again changed the direction of the axis, called it "U with a wave" and accordingly marked it.
So until the end of the lecture and worked in the coordinate system "XYU with a wave."
We conscientiously recorded a lecture, and only when they began to prepare for exams did my friend open his eyes wide: "Just see what my writing book is all about!"

One cool wanted to be smart. I bought a smart book.
Sold more expensive. And I thought: "Another couple of smart books and I will be smart."
One steep met another steep. - Well, what, Sukanahbl?
- Yes, no che, Sukanahbl. So we talked. One cool met another cool. - cool? - Cool.
- And I'm cool.
- Cool. We talked.
One cool farted in the tram. Then he thought: "But they don't ride on trams." Came out and farted on the street.
One cool deceived another cool. He was offended and deceived the third.
He offended and offended the fourth. Then came the main cool and restored justice, collecting from all over the lemon.
The plan for a general medical examination, pasteurization and sanitation.
Announced a set of patients. Ready or not, here I come.
Heavily in treatment - easy in paradise. Be patient.
To endure was easier, the House of Tolerance opens.
The order of tolerance in the queue.
The most patient will be reviewed.
The most impatient are pasteurized.
What does the sewage do not know, but the word is good.

The action is one of the ways to turn money into valuable paper.
The auction is a sales and sales show where space prices are set by aliens.
Exchange - there is decided the fate of your wallet or life.
Broker - broker, intermediary. Not to be confused with the broiler, long disappeared from use. Brokers are larger, more fat and more expensive.
Currency - for what now, as before, give the highest measure.
Marketing - a comprehensive analysis of the mirage that occurs in the desert:
market, goods and caravan manufacturers.
The manager is the one who manages the company, adjusted for the wind, which he creates.
Real estate is a type of contribution by mixing the money supply with land, sand and cement.
Deal - when two low contracting parties spit on all four.
The sponsor is the one who is easier to part with the money than to explain where they came from.

If you get satisfaction from your work, then you are a prostitute.
... And if you do not have time to run for the ball - you are in the Russian national football team!
Women, remember that when a man says to you: “Yes!” - sometimes he just does not have time to finish the phrase: “Yes ... you are gone!”.
Eat << Rastishka >> from << Danone >> - you will go to serve in the riot police!
A virgin is no better than a slave - both, in essence, are thinking the same thing ...
Buying unlicensed programs, you help Osama bin Laden.
The little boy lived on the ninth floor - but he was only getting to the sixth ...
Had to live there!
Erotica is a pathetic parody of pornography.
The most expensive Tetris was at Binladen ...
Labor made a monkey man. Labor can leave.
The real tragedy is when you marry out of love, and then you discover that this goat has no money!
Oh, on the basis of the night, I’m still not omnigetchen ...

- Manya! Come for me?
- Which shift?

- Jews! Receive Christ!
- We already had it! We gave it to you! Gifts are not otdarki!
- Oh, Mom, are you frying in what butter?!?!
- What's wrong?! You just have to spend !!!
- Mom, but not on the motor to fry !!!
- Yesterday the boys from the third school opened the hatch, took out the cable from it, tied it to the dump truck and began to observe how the third school is hiding around the bend!
My wife and I - for safe sex! We jerk in different rooms ... That it is safe, I have already convinced her ... Now I am trying to convince that THIS is sex ....
- I will answer questions only in the presence of my personal psychiatrist!
Husband: - Yes, it is true that I promised you the golden mountains - but there was no talk about a washing machine ...
- "Egg of choice" .... Who was selected from?
- Have chickens, esessno!
- And they did not resist?
- Those who resisted are sold in the neighboring department ...
- Guys, it seems to me that someone smokes in our room. It's either you - the boy with green ears, or you - the elephant!
The representatives of "Tide" came the day before yesterday - they asked to look at the shirts.
Yesterday, representatives of the "Duckling" came - they asked to look at the toilet.
Today representatives of Blendamed come - they will look at their teeth ...
We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Alwaus representatives with Tampax!
Putin and his advisors are discussing a political move ...
“This is what we will do: declare that Zhirinovsky is fucking pigs!”
- Vladim Dimyrych! Duck because it will be ... not true!
- It is not true - but think about HOW his refutation will sound ...
- Hi dear! And where have you been?
- At the neighbor.
- Strange! Your shirt smells like you were running ...
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, do not you think that the new system of appointing governors is a kind of remix of the tsarist state system?
- So, I'm tired of your black blouse, your glasses, your manner of correcting your bangs and asking smart questions. I got up and left here!
Little Red Riding Hood comes to grandma:
- Grandma, I brought you pies! Eat faster while hot!
- Later, granddaughter - I still haven't digested a wolf ...
Students at the end of the session threw a revel with everything you need.
The next morning, one of the walkers, gone crazy, says:
- Can you imagine, Borya - all night they boiled, they boiled to the music ...
In the morning, look - and we don’t have a tape recorder either. That's how they braced!
At the end of the working day, an elderly accountant addresses a young woman:
- Masha - close, please, operden ...
- Do not teach me what to do! Better close yours!
Husband calls his wife, she worries:
- Where are you dear?
- Have a mistress.
- Well, thank God! And I thought - again on the Maidan ...
- It is known that a man differs from a boy by the value of toys. And the woman from the girl?
- The quality of these: girls love soft toys, and women - solid.
Two come out of the bank, talking. The last phrase is heard:
- A controlling stake to him? What you wanted! Control shot to him!
- Girl - and you have a pretty sister, or like you?
Announcement: "The criminal is being sought. Special signs: black curls, high cheeks, bright face, majestic step."
- Again, our auto mechanic had sex with the client!
- How did you define it?
- Look - he has only the middle finger blindingly clear!
In the USA, the invisible fighter FA-22 Rartor crashed.
... Or maybe not...
- Guys, I learned how to read! .. Everything. Got it! I am leaving.
- Hello, this is the “Weak Link” program and I, Maria Kiseleva. Today, our sponsor is a new laxative, Unimol. And I do not have time to ask a question ...
- How do you manage so often not to sleep at home, and every time your wife forgives you?
- Well, so I always bring her a certificate that I had with my mistress!
- And who is this lover?
- The head doctor dehydrator!
My husband returned from fishing - and his wife said to him:
- Go check it out - have you caught anything!
Why do some people write a seven with a horizontal dash in the middle, although the usual seven is used on typewriters and computers, without a dash?
Just when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, he began to read the Ten Commandments to his people and reached the seventh commandment "Do not commit adultery" - the people began to vote in unison: "Cross out the seven, cross off!".
Criminal Chronicle.
Yesterday, the teacher of the Russian language was drunk at the Wallpapers store ...
She tried to fix the store sign on Both.
Exam at the military department. Summer, great weather, the entire examination committee was razed with terrible force, someone is looking through the open window, someone is quietly napping. It turns out to answer something about the tank student, who never even saw him alive from afar, but only on TV at the parade (and that is not a fact). On this occasion, already hung some kind of scheme depicting the device tank. A student takes a pointer and, referring to a half-awake commission, begins to answer the ticket, poking a pointer into the scheme: - This is the tank tower, this is the caterpillar tank, and this is the clitoris tank ...
The commission as a current hit, all in one voice, turning to the scheme:
- Where? !!!!!
... The student had in mind the clearance, the gap between the bottom and the ground ...

Young people in moments of intimacy.
She is:
- How beautiful you are with me! Do you know how nice it is to have sex with a handsome man?
He paused a little: - No!
There is a young couple - it seems that the husband and his wife. Clearly in a hurry. He: - I so want to eat that little bit more - and you will start to eat ...
She (in a lazy voice):
- Well, and where will you start?
Is he:
- Well, so that was imperceptible!
She (already interested):
- This is from what ?!
He understands, she herself finds the answer:
- From the brain?
The patient tries to convince the doctor to let him go home due to complete mental sanity. When asked why the police brought him here, he said that they simply did not know that this was the real one. And all the rest "he" - just his copies, which "they" began to clone immediately after they put microchips in his head. And he will probably have to kill himself to stop the cloning process.
The simplest anal vibrator can be obtained by putting a condom on an electric toothbrush. The simplest is not safe.
A notorious friend of a stoned guy convinced him that by injecting battery acid mixed with drinking soda inside a member, you can get an eternal riser. The guy has nothing more to stand on.
The patient complained that when he put his finger in his ear, he could not hear anything.
Another patient, apparently the brother of the previous one (by reason), woke up because a cockroach crawled in his ear. Without hesitation, he put his finger over his ear (so that the cockroach did not crawl out) and rushed to the nearest emergency room of the ambulance (so that the cockroach was pulled out). I do not know what he was guided in actions. Perhaps the desire to take revenge vile insect. But when lidocaine was poured into the patient's ear, he complained that it was a very nasty sensation. Cockroach he apparently on the contrary, like.
Before the fight, the woman pulled out an artificial eye and, for better preservation, decided to hide it in her vagina. Already removed experts.
The man decided to do his own circumcision. For local anesthesia, he chose dry ice. When the ice stuck to the head, he thought of melting it with boiling water.
The patient decided to drink pains from abdominal pains, because he decided that she would “cover the walls of the stomach with a thick protective layer” no worse than pepto-bismol from advertising.
The patient was taken by ambulance with a 12-inch (30 cm) artificial member stuck in her ass. 2 hours after extraction, it was again delivered with the same diagnosis, because "now the hole has probably been developed."
The patient had a removable denture that was not well supported on the gums. Therefore, he thought to glue it with superglue.
The 13-year-old girl decided to go for a swim, despite the huge plaster cast. Inside, all soaked and crammed sand. At first the girl tried to scrape the sand with a bent wire hanger, ripping the skin. And then poured salt there, so that it "absorbed water." When parents asked the doctors if the girl had any developmental delays, her father answered, "I understand why you ask, but no."
After severe diarrhea, the patient tried to soften the anus with turpentine.
Another patient tried to treat constipation with a vodka enema.
The 97-year-old old woman fell and lay on the floor without moving or talking for 6 days. Her over-age child of an unspecified sex decided that her mother was asleep. When mom cooled, she was covered with blankets and furnished with heaters. The smell did not cause any suspicion. But after 6 days, an ambulance was called. Suddenly something is amiss.
Another genius thought to treat diarrhea with laxatives. "So that everything turned out and ended." Took two different at once, for reliability.
An ambulance was called by a man who suspected that the bartender poured him too much alcohol. The caller demanded to take him to the hospital and check the level of alcohol in the blood in order to catch the scoundrel.
After all, the patient knew that his friend was suffering from uncontrollable convulsions. And still decided to do oral sex with her.
An obese (200+ kg) patient delivered with pain in the groin. Diagnosis: crushed his own eggs, sitting on them.
A patient with open fractures of both hands, accompanied by circulatory disorders, tried to masturbate in order to escape from pain. Not the best idea.
The peasant returned home after a night in the billiard room, not wearing a seatbelt, and drove into the pillar. It is not clear how this happened, but it ended with a cue in the ass.
And again on the stage our friend is a 30-centimeter artificial member. During the sexual games with his wife, the marine managed to shove him in the ass along with a stopper placed on the non-working end specifically to prevent such incidents. In order to avoid a scandal, he arrived at a civilian hospital, where the doctor put the resolution "indefinitely" and still sent him to his native army.
Favorite explanation of patients regarding foreign bodies in the rectum: "it stood on the floor, and I slipped and fell on him." Most often we are talking about bottles of shampoo. With a 30-centimeter dildo, such explanations are certainly not rolling.
It's not my fault that the funniest stories are related to foreign objects in the ass. But it is again about them. When a patient put a ping-pong ball in there, he soon discovered that it was not so easy to get it back. The round and slippery ball avoided any attempt to remove it. Then the patient realized to make himself a cement enema to fix the damned toy. He removed a stiffened modern sculpture by a doctor under anesthesia.
Caught savage group of tourists, brought to the leader.
Leader: So, we kill the women, men, e..m.
The women: Uh, did the peas fuck?
Guys: Fuck, fuck!

The man built the house and got married. A year later, the house burned down, his wife died.
The man built the house again and got married. A year later, the house burned down, his wife died.
A MAN for the third time built a house and got married. A year later, the house burned down, his wife died.
The man begged:
- Great God, why are you punishing me like that? !!!.
And hears the voice of God from heaven:
- Hmm ... ny just do not like you me ... ;-(.

Bridegroom - to a friend: "Before the first night at night, I shall put a member of the green paint on."
Friend: "Why?"
The groom: “And the wife asks -“ Why is he green with you? ”- and I
Answer: "Where did you see it else?" :)

The new chief assembled the team and announced the plan for the week:
- On Monday, we rest from Saturdays and Sundays. Tuesday - preparation for serious work. On Wednesday we work hard. On Thursday we rest from hard work. On Friday - preparation for Saturday and Sunday holidays.
Any questions? One worker rises: - This is it, we will work every Wednesday ?!

The man brought the woman home at night, and the drunk man could barely stand on his feet, well, he wanted her, and the woman had her period. Well, he, of course, satisfied her and sent the lady, and he himself fell into sleep. In the morning, the head wakes up cracks, looks at the hands and says with horror:
- I probably killed her ... Then he goes to the bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror:
- And then I probably ate it ...

A man complains to another
“My wife has completely exhausted me: as I go home, she stands at the door and says:
Breathe As alcohol considers and leaves at the door to spend the night.
- And you drink "Solntsedar" she would never heed ...
... - Well, how did it help?
- No, I’m coming back home, as usual: “Breathe!”. I breathed. After some thought, my wife says to me: "Breathe through your mouth, I said with your mouth!"

In the bus, one man in a state of light drinking constantly steps on the leg of an intellectual. But since he is also an intellectual, he politely asks:
- Oh, I do not bother you?
And so five times. And finally gets the answer:
- No, nothing. Do not worry - once again and in the face!

The crowded bus braked sharply, and the elderly passenger involuntarily grabbed the shoulder of the next lady.
“Listen,” she says, “would you grab hold of something else?”
- Do not tempt me, madam!

- Girl, take your leg off the punch.
- Yeah! I'll clean, and you put!

A sinner comes to the temple to confess:
- Holy Father, I have sinned: I was walking about two weeks ago down the street and suddenly I looked - the sky clouded over, I thought about the rain, I went to tea for tea ... and I sinned with godfather.
- God will forgive, my son.
- But a week ago I was walking through the park and again the sky drifted in clouds, I thought about the rain, went to my mother for tea and ... sinned with my mother.
- God will forgive, my son.
- But that's not all, literally two days ago, I walked around the city and again the sky was overcast, I thought about the rain and decided to go to the test for tea and ... sinned with the test.
Holy Father (went up to the window and said): - Idika, you are my * x * th son, or I watch the sky with clouds tightened ...
The beginning is half the battle, the end is the head!
Then one comedian came up, asked if this could be replaced by what I said to him - no. First there, then here.
The radio station should be in the head of the column head.
Speaking in the evening at dawn.

Comrade cadet, if you want to say something, you better be silent.
Comrade cadet, if you're a moron, then say so, and there is nothing to break a gun.
Shut up, I ask you!

First people will pass, and then we will go.
That you approach me with such hands, with such legs!
So that I have not seen a single personnel in the barracks!
Cadet, take your hands out of your mouth!
Bring you to a clean field, put your face to the wall and put a bullet in the forehead, so that you can remember for a lifetime!
If a woman keeps a secret perfectly - it means that she has no friends ...
Of the two evils, the vicious one wins. So there is good.
Happiness, it is not in money ... Happiness, it is in money!
Russia has two misfortunes: Spain and Portugal.
He was strong in chess - with one hand he easily lifted a full bag of queens!
In seven goats and a wolf without an eye.
Two beginner hunters met in the forest! Both corpses!
Car Oka - feel yourself ... disabled!
She said that she's not getting on the photos ... and she did not lie.
Buttons fastened on a woman look ugly, and undone buttons look amazing!
In our time, sexual revolutions and reforms, the saying “Before the wedding heals” takes on some other meaning ...
A woman is like a cigarette - some advise to quit, others are asked to drag on.
The Estonian was lucky to catch a goldfish, but when he started talking about his desire, the fish somehow somehow didn’t smell like that ...
- Gogi, do not you get banners?
- Nat, I wash at home ...
From the order: "In addition to the term" Likely adversary ", put into circulation the terms:" Perhaps an ally, "" Apparently, a traitor "and" Guerrilla, if not frightened. "
- Comrade Warrant Officer - do you know how to interest an idiot?
- No, how?
- Tomorrow I will tell ...
- Bush is going to visit! Cognac bought?
“Have you forgotten? Putin calls for optimal spending of resources!” Tint vodka dioxin, and the matter with the end.
- Honey, delicious cake!
- In the store bought.
- Do you bake it yourself?
- Of what? We have neither flour, nor eggs, nor sodium glutamate, nor E517, nor E1452! ...
Wife - husband:
- You see what you are! You always do not care! He promised to wash the dishes, and he fell on the sofa!
- Well, if you promised, so be it ... Bring the dishes here - I'll wash it!
From a television interview with V. Chernomyrdin:
- Victor Stepanovich - and how do you think the policy of Russia should be built with the countries of the former CIS?
- Well, if you're talking about our near-neighbors - then I think that!

Placard in the tax inspectorate: "The art of taxation is to pluck a goose so as to get the maximum amount of fluff with minimal hiss."
The first course, a teacher asks a first-year student:
- Tell us about the polarization of light.
That in response to him declares:
- And I am not Sveta, I am Natasha!
She told a friend of his wife ...
Works in the pharmacy, which is located in the grocery store.
And then a man comes in and starts to rummage through all the departments.
Sharitsya, rummaging - then comes to the pharmacy and begins to study condoms in thought.
Well, she could not resist - and foolishly asked:
- Can I help you?
To which the man frowned at her and replied:
- No ... better than vodka ...
- Maria, tell me a fairy tale!
- Erotic?
- No, scary! And the last time I could not sleep!
Про компьютеры точно знаю одно: если все провода на вашем компьютере заплетены в аккуратные, трогательные косички - то ваш компьютер собирала женщина.
Причём собирала в школу!
- Где был?
- В секс-шопе. Женщину купил.
- А чего такая маленькая?
- Пробник!
- Сборную России по футболу клонировали - и она сыграла сама с собой...
- Ну и как?!
- Наши проиграли!
- Как мне найти адрес "улица Красноармейская, дом 15"?
- Пройдите прямо и сверните направо за бывшим овощным магазином...
- Да идиш ты на!.. Иврит твою мать...
"Похоже, он меня не уважает..." - девушка снова перечитала sms-ку на своём телефоне: "света, да пошла ты на хуй!".
"... Моё имя написал с маленькой буквы!" - подумала она.
Выходит русский турист на балкон своей гостиницы в Таиланде утром, оглядывает пляж и удивлённо говорит: - Бля, от это мы вчера Рождество отметили...
Вчера сдавал экзамены автоматом...
Патронов в обойме хватило только на преподов по философии и социологии.
Юркие, паскуды!!!
- У нас вся деревня грибами отравилась.
- Как, сразу все?!
- Не... Сначала один. А потом на его поминках односельчане доели оставшиеся...
Владимир Жириновский предложил В. Януковичу оспаривать результаты переголосования в Басманном суде города Москвы...
- Между прочим, моя дочка отправляется на конкурс "Мисс Вселенная".
- Что-о-о-о! Твоя бегемотиха!
- Yes.
- Так она же у тебя таких габаритов, что уже ни в одно платье не влезает!
- Читай по губам. Она будет участвовать в конкурсе мисс ВСЕ-ЛЕН-НА-Я!
Новости дорожной инспекции.
Резкое снижение скорости автомобилей было получено при замене лежачего полицейского на лежачую полицейскую.
- Мама, что за ерунду ты мне говоришь?! Почему это меня аист принёс?! Что - у папаши уже не встаёт?!
Дед Мороз хвастается Санта-Клаусу:
- А моя Снегурочка первое место на конкурсе заняла!
- Поздравляю. А что за конкурс?
- "Мисс Фригидность".
- Доктор, у меня такое предчувствие, как будто во мне сидят два человека.
Один говорит: "Пей!", а другой: "Не пей!"
- Ясно. А вы научите их угощать друг друга...
Выпивают русский, хохол и еврей.
- Хочу, чтобы все москали сдохли!
- Хочу, чтобы все хохлы сдохли!
- Ну, за сказанное!
- Чем отличается доберман от Либермана?
- Доберман обрезан сзади!
Идёт конкурсный набор сопрано. Конец дня, дирижёр измучен, заходит женщина
- он спрашивает, не глядя:
- Сопрано?
- Нет, меццо...
- Ну вы что - читать не умеете?! Видите, написано чёрным по белому - со-пра-но...
- Да вы не нервничайте, давайте попробуем.
Дирижёр, не желая спорить, говорит:
- Хорошо, попробуем... ДО возьмёте?
- Да нет проблем... А можно после?!
За столом обедают отец и старший сын. Мать ставит блюда на стол...
Сын, заметив, что отцу поставили больше еды, говорит - мол, мамаша своему ёбарю кладёт больше.
На что отец запустил в него тарелкой. Промахнувшись, он попал в голову мирно сравшему на горшке младшему сыну...
- В рот я ебал эту семейку... научусь ходить - съебусь отсюда!