My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


Upok in Gpuzii. Teacher:
- Children. Record ppedlozheny "two kupits came out of the Great Wall."
Recorded? Now comes another record ppedlozheny: "From the great wall
came another kupits. "Burn? Then, Gogi, tell me how much
kupits came out of the wall?
- Three and a teacher.
- Heppavilno. Chetype.
- Why chetype?
- Because one kupits went unnoticed!

There is a man, smotpit - Chukchi puts the pole and climb on it. Will fall again puts and climbs. A man of his sppashivaet:
- What are you doing?
- The height of the pillar izmepyayu.
- So you put it and izmep.
- So this is, however, the length will be, but I need altitude.

Caught wolf (B) guy (M):
(B) - Well all, man! Get ready - I'll have you now ... or I will not. Now, if desire was three of a man, I'm not s'em.
The man was delighted, I agreed. The wolf catches a woman (W) and asks:
(B) - You want something?
(F) - Man ...
Joyful man quickly performed first wish. (B) - And what do you want?
(F) - Another man ...
The man stiffened, won second wish fulfilled.
(B) - Well, as a last wish? What do you want?
(F) - Once again man!
(M) - Wolf! Eat me!!!

Argued British, French and Russian who will sit longer in the refrigerator.
The British brought with them the card, whiskey and climbed. sat day - could not stand and got out. The French took the wine and women. We sat for 2 days and also got out. Russian took brew and snack. Week sit second. They think they're cold, you have to look. Opens the door to a man, and he was a kick in the face and the door closed again. Voice from the refrigerator:
- Vanya for what you did?
- Here and so cold, and he had the door open!

I came a man on the beach. People - no one. Stripped naked and swam. Nakupalis, he swam to shore, and near his underwear girl sitting and reading a book. What to do?
He again plunged into the water. He looks at the bottom of the basin lies. He took it blocked in front and went to the girl:
- Hello, beautiful girl!
- Hello.
- What do we do?
- Yes here, read the book, - she says.
- And about that book?
- But how to guess the thoughts.
- And now I think? - He asked.
- Do you think that the basin has a bottom.

Sin s dad priihali sea. Batko:
- Cinco. Otse sea. Sin, scho all Zhittya lived in the steppe i navit richki not bachiv:
- De-ee? Batko:
- Otse, Cinco, all otsya water - tse sea!
- De-e-ee? Zayshli kolino on the water.
- Cinco, be surprised! Otse sky GRT land and otse blue - tse sea!
- De-e-ee? Zayshli on Shiyu. Batko:
- Cinco! Otse minute at vodi stoish - tse truncated sea!
- De-e-ee? Yogo Batko for Shiyu, that squeak in water. For hvilinu vityague. Syn:
- Old Man! Scho Tse Bulo ?!
- Sea, Cinco, sea ..
- De-e-ee?

Ferried soldiers on the plane, one of them asks:
- And we will be given a parachute in case of emergency?
- No, not necessary.
- And when we were transported in the ship, we were given life jackets.
- Yes, it is necessary on the ship.
- Wow! I had no idea that people who are able to fly more than the people who know how to swim!

Soldiers sent to serve abroad, he wrote to his parents: "I cant tell where I serve, but to inform you that I was going to ask the first comer a local resident, if he is not ashamed of his ancestors, who invented gunpowder."

Rain. Mud. General goes into the army. On the way to see his truck jammed parts. Well, so be it, it is necessary to help.
We got out with the driver began to push. Carting in mud, but the truck was pushed.
General, wiping sweat and shaking hands with the driver of the truck, said:
- Heavy, however.
- Yes, - responsible person - I have there company Dembele goes home.

Before otehat to America, I worked with a year on a large factory in Moscow in the data center.
For dinner we went to a large crowd in the factory canteen, in which we must pay tribute, fed well. And she worked there one crazy aunt, was always angry, always go with a rag, wiped the tables and muttered something under his breath.
Once I listened to what she's currently grumbling.
It turned out here that:
- And hodyut and guzzle, and guzzle, guzzle and ....

And here was a case ...
I gathered somehow my friends to take a walk. It is not 23
February
not the 8th of March. Well, as usual, bought vodka, snacks and
go,
they say, "on the hut." It was their 4-5 people. Here we are,
go
in the elevator, press the button and in anticipation of the ride. And here
somewhere
in the middle of the lift stops and refuses to continue
go. doors
also do not open. Shook, shook on the "challenge", but no one
help
I did not come. In short, after a while decided to "start"
in the elevator,
the benefit of all was with him. Although inconvenient, but fun.
Finally, where a
two and a half - three hours when the brigade arrived and
freed
"Captive", the latter were very cheerful and hard without
extraneous
Assistance could come out of the elevator ... The holiday was a success.

The remarkable story of a teacher, dubbed the variable "pi with a bow," reminded me of a similar case in the Faculty of Mechanics of Saratov University, where I studied a quarter of a century ago. Our unflappable and serious teacher of differential equations introduced a completely trivial XYZ coordinate system. Then, in the process, he changed the direction of the Z axis, and called the new axis of U. Then, once again changed the direction of the axis, called her a "U with a wave" and appropriately marked.
So until the end of the lecture and worked in the coordinate system "XYU with a wave."
We faithfully recorded lecture, and only when they began to prepare for the exams, my friend opened his eyes wide: "You just look, what I have painted with the whole book!"

One wanted to be a cool smart. I bought a clever book.
I sell more. And I thought: "Even a couple of clever books and will be clever."
A steep met another steep. - Well, Che, sukanahbl?
- Yes, no human, sukanahbl. Here and we talked. A steep met another steep. - Cool? - Cool.
- And I'm cool.
- Cool. We talked.
One cool farted in the tram. Then he thought: "But do not go into steep tram." Out on the street and farted.
One cool tricked another steep. He was offended and cheated third.
He was offended and insulted the fourth. Then came the main steep and restore justice, gathering all on lemon.
Plan a general clinical examination, pasteurization and sanitation.
Declares a set of patients. Ready or not, here I come.
Hardly in treatment - easy in paradise. Endure.
To make it easier to tolerate, opens House of Tolerance.
Priority terpezha in a queue.
The most patient will dispanserizovany.
The most impatient - pasteurized.
What does the sewage do not know, but a good word.

The action - one of the ways of money conversion into valuable paper now.
Auction - kupleprodazhnoe show where space aliens set prices.
Exchange - where the fate of your purse or life.
Broker - broker, the intermediary. Not to be confused with the broiler long disappeared from use. Brokers bigger, better fed and more.
Currency - something for that now, as before, give the highest measure.
Marketing - a comprehensive analysis of mirage appearing in the desert:
market goods and caravan manufacturers.
The manager - the one who controls the company adjusted to the wind, which itself creates.
Real Estate - kind contribution by stirring the money supply with soil, sand and cement.
The deal - when two low Contracting Parties spit on all four.
Sponsor - one who is easier to part with money, than to explain where they had come from.

If you get satisfaction from their work - then you are a prostitute.
... And if you do not have time to run the ball - you are on the Russian national football team!
Women, remember that when a man says to you: << >> Yes - sometimes he just does not have time to finish the sentence: << Yes ... >> Fuck you!.
Eat the Marshmallow Froot Loops << >> on << >> Danone - popadёsh serve riot!
Virgin no better sluts - both, in fact, think of the same ...
Buying unlicensed software, you are helping Osama bin Laden.
The little boy lived on the ninth floor - but only until we reach the sixth ...
I had to live there!
Erotica is a pathetic parody of pornography.
The most expensive was in Binladena Tetris ...
Work made from monkey man. Work can go.
The real tragedy - when getting married for love, and then discover that the goat penniless!
Already on the basis night, I'm still not ominetchen ...

- Mania! Come out for me?
- Which shift?

- The Jews! Take Christ!
- He's already had! We gave it to you! Gifts not otdarki!
- Oh, Mom, you fry in what oil?!?!
- What's wrong?! You only have to spend !!!
- Mom, but not the engine is toast !!!
- Yesterday, the boys from the third school opened the door, pulled out a cord, tied him to a dump truck and began to watch the third school is hiding around the corner!
My wife and I - for safe sex! We masturbate in different rooms ... it's safe, I have already convinced ... now trying to convince that the IT - sex ....
- I will answer questions only in the presence of my personal psychiatrist!
Husband: - Yes, it's true that I promised you mountains of gold - but talk about the washing machine was not ...
Buyer:
- "Egg Choice" .... Who has taken something?
Seller:
- In chickens, esessno!
- And they did not resist?
- Those who resisted - sold in the next section ...
- Guys, it seems to me that in our room someone smokes. It's either you - Ten Pin with green ears, or you - elephant!
The day before yesterday came the representatives of "Tide" - was asked to look at the shirt.
Yesterday came the representatives of "duck" - was asked to look at the toilet.
Today representatives come "Blendamed" - will look at your teeth ...
Anxiously waiting for the arrival of the representatives of "Alwaus" with "Tampax!"
Putin discusses with advisors political move ...
- That's what we'll do: declare that Zhirinovsky fuck pigs!
- Vlad dimirych! Duck because it is not true ...!
- It is not true not true - but think it will sound like a denial ...
- Hi dear! And where have you been?
- A neighbor.
- Strange! Your T-shirt because it smells like you're running around ...
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, do not you think that the new system of appointing governors - is a remix of the royal state system?
- So, I'm fed up with your black blouse, your glasses, your way of correcting a bang and ask intelligent questions. She got up and walked out of here!
Little Red Riding Hood comes to the grandmother:
- Grandma, I brought you a pie! Eat more quickly, while hot!
- Later, granddaughter - I still do not digest the wolf ...
Students at the end of the session rolled feast with everything you need.
The next morning one of the walks, ochumevshi says:
- Imagine, Bob - all night Sausages, Sausages music ...
On the morning of looking - and we have a tape recorder and some do not. So raskumarilis!
At the end of the day an elderly buhgaltersha refers to the young:
- Masha - close, please operden ...
- Do not teach me what to do! It is better to close its!
The husband calls his wife, she worries:
- Where are you dear?
- Have a mistress.
- Well, thank God! And I really thought - again at the Independence ...
- We know that a man is different from the value of a boy toy. A woman from the girl?
- Quality of add: girls love soft toys, while the women - hard.
out two of the bank, talking. Heard the final phrase:
- The controlling stake him? What is wanted! Control shot him!
- Girl - and you have a cute sister, or you look like?
This ad: "Wanted offender Special features:. Black curls, a high forehead, face bright, majestic gait."
- Again, our mechanic had sex with a client!
- How do you identify?
- Look - he has only the middle finger dazzling clean!
In the US, crashed fighter invisible FA-22 Rartor.
... Or maybe not...
- Guys, I learned to read thoughts .. Everything!. I got it! I'm leaving.
- Hello, this is the program "The Weakest Link" and I, Maria Kiseleva. Today, our sponsor - a new laxative "Yunimol". And I do not have time to ask a question ...
- How do you manage so often do not sleep at home, and his wife each time you forgive it?
- Well, I always help her bring that had a mistress!
- And who is this mistress?
- The medical director Detox!
He returned with her husband fishing - and his wife, and said:
- Go, check - if anything caught!
Why do some people write with seven horizontal dashes in the middle, although typewriters and computers used ordinary Seven, without h ёrtochki?
Just when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, he began to read the Ten Commandments to his people and came to the seventh commandment "Do not commit adultery" - people began to wail in unison: "Cross out's seven, cross out".
Criminal Chronicle.
Yesterday at the store "Wallpaper" was arrested in a drunken state teacher of the Russian language ...
She tried to fix the sign shop to "Both".
The examination at the military department. Summer, great weather, the entire examination commission worn out with terrible force, someone looks out the open window, someone quietly dozing. So to answer something about the tank a student that he was never alive, even from far away could not see, but only on TV in the parade (and not the fact). On this occasion, already we hung some diagram showing the tank unit. Student takes the pointer and, referring to the sleepy Commission begins by answering amb ticket, pointing a pointer to the scheme: - This is the tower in the tank, this is the caterpillar of the tank, but the tank is the clitoris ...
Commission to electric shock, all in one voice, turning to the scheme:
- Where? !!!!!
... Student mean clearance, the gap between the bottom and the ground ...

Young people in moments of intimacy.
She is:
- What you are my beautiful! You know, it's nice with a nice man to engage in sex?
He hesitated a little: - No!
There is a young couple - it seems that the husband and wife. Apparently in a hurry. He said: - I want to eat that little bit more - and you'll start there ...
It (the lazy voice)
- Well, you start with a place?
Is he:
- Well, that was unnoticed!
It is (already interested):
- This is from what ?!
He thinks, she finds the answer:
- With brain?
The patient is trying to convince the doctor to let him go home due to full mental sanity. When asked why he had brought the police here, it says that they did not know that it is a real one. And all the others, "he" - only copies that "they" have begun to clone immediately after put into his head microchips. And he probably would have to kill himself to stop the cloning process.
The simplest anal vibrator can be obtained by putting a condom on the electric toothbrush. The simplest - does not mean safe.
Man stoned him at least obkurennaya girlfriend convinced that by entering into a member of the battery acid, mixed with baking soda, you can receive eternal riser. More than the guy standing there is nothing.
The patient was admitted with a complaint that he thrusts his finger in his ear, then they can not hear anything.
Another patient, apparently brother of the previous (in the mind), woke up, he crawled into the ear of a cockroach. Without thinking, he plugged the ear with your finger (to cockroach crawled) and rushed to the nearest emergency foster peace (that cockroach still pulled out). I do not know that they are guided in their actions. Perhaps the desire for revenge vile insects. But when a patient ear poured lidocaine, he complained that it is a very nasty feeling. Cockroach naobrot he apparently liked.
Before the fight the woman pulled the artificial eye and for better preservation decided to hide it in her vagina. Was recovered already experts.
The man decided to make his own circumcision. For local anesthesia, he chose the dry ice. When the ice stuck to the head, he thought of boiling water to thaw.
The patient decided to have the paint from pain in the abdomen, as decided that she "will cover the wall of the stomach with thick protective layer" is not worse than Pepto-Bismol from advertising.
The patient was transported by ambulance to the 12-inch (30 cm) artificial member stuck in her ass. After 2 hours after removal she was again taken with the same diagnosis, because "I suppose now the hole has developed."
The patient has a removable denture poorly kept on the gums. So he thought of sticking it with superglue.
13-year-old girl decided to take a swim, despite the huge plaster cast. Inside, everything soaked and nabilsya sand. At first, the girl tried to scrape the sand bent wire hanger, tore the skin. And then spread ground salt in there, so it is "absorbed water". When asked doctors to parents, whether the girl's developmental delays, the father replied, "I understand why you are asking, but no."
After a fierce diarrhea patient was trying to soften the anus turpentine.
Another patient tried to treat constipation vodka enema.
97-year old woman fell and lay on the floor without moving or talking 6 days. Her overage child sex unspecified decided that the mother sleeps. When my mother had cooled, it was covered with blankets and heaters furnished. The smell is not aroused any suspicion. But after 6 days it is still an ambulance was called. Suddenly there is something wrong.
Another genius thought of to treat diarrhea laxative. "That all came over." Took just two different, to be sure.
The emergency call from a man, suspecting that the bartender poured him too much alcohol. The caller demanded to take him to the hospital to check the level of alcohol in the blood, to nail that bastard.
I knew the patient because his friend suffers uncontrollable convulsions. And still I decided to go with her oral sex.
Obese (200+ kg) patient delivered with pain in his groin. Diagnosis: crushed own eggs, sitting on them.
Patients with open fractures of both hands associated with impaired circulation, trying to take masturbation to distract from pain. Not the best idea.
A man returning home after a night in the billiard room, not strapped remenёm and drove into a pillar. It is not clear how it happened, but it ended up a cue in the ass.
And again on the scene our friend - 30-inch artificial penis. Marine during sex games with his wife managed to shove it up your ass with a stop placed on the idle end specifically to prevent similar incidents. To avoid scandal came to a civilian hospital, where the doctor put the resolution "non-urgent" and still sent it to the native army.
Favorite explanation regarding the patients of foreign bodies in the rectum, "it was on the floor, and I slipped and fell on it." In most cases we are talking about a bottle of shampoo. With the 30-centimeter dildo such explanations certainly not roll.
I'm not to blame, that the most ridiculous stories associated with foreign objects in the ass. But talking about them again. When a patient is currently stuck there ping-pong ball, it soon discovered that to get it back is not so easy. Round and slippery ball avoided any attempt to remove it. Then the patient is realized to make yourself an enema cement to lock the goddamn toy. Retrieves frozen modernistic sculpture doctor already under anesthesia.
Caught dikapi group do tupistov, ppiveli to the leader.
Chief: So, kill women, men e..m.
Baba: Uh, pazve men fuck?
Guys: Fuck, fuck!

Myzhik postpoil home and married. Chepez year sgopel house wife ymepla.
Myzhik postpoil back home and got married. Chepez year sgopel house wife ymepla.
Myzhik in by the third paz postpoil home and married. Chepez year sgopel house wife ymepla.
He pleaded myzhik:
- Dear God, why did you punish me so? !!!.
And he hears God's voice from heaven:
- Hmm ... ny pposto npavyatsya not you tell me ... ;-(.

Groom - d.puguyu "Pe.ped of first night bpachnoy smear member kpaskoy green".
D.puguyu: "Why?"
Groom: "A wife spposil -" And what is it you have a green "- and I told her to?
Answer: "And where are you d.puguyu saw?" :)

The new head of the team gathered and announced the plan for the week:
- On Monday, rest on Saturday and Sunday holidays. Tuesday - preparing for serious work. On Wednesday, hard at work. On Thursday, the rest from the hard work. On Friday - the preparation for Saturday and Sunday holidays.
Any questions? It raised one worker: - It is human, every Wednesday we will work ?!

He brought home a man a woman at night, and he pissed on his feet barely holds well and wanted it that, while the women were menstruating. Well he did and of course satisfied the lady sent to bed and he fell. In the morning wake up head hurts, looking at his hands and said with horror:
- I probably killed her ... Then he goes to the bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror:
- And then probably I ate ...

A man complains to another
- The wife of my absolutely exhausted: how to go home, so she was standing at the door and says:
Dykhne! As uchuet alcohol and leaves the door to spend the night.
- Do you drink "Solntsedar" it would not uchuet ...
... Well as it helped?
- No, it means I come home, it is as usual: "Dykhne!". I breathed. After some hesitation, the wife said to me: "Mouth breathe, I said your mouth!"

On the bus, a man in a state of being slightly drunk constantly stepping on the foot intellectuals. But since it is also an intellectual, so politely interested in:
- Oh, I'm not bothering you?
And so five times. And, finally gets an answer:
- No, nothing. Do not worry - once again in the face!

Crowded bus braked sharply, and an elderly passenger involuntarily grabbed his shoulder stands next to the ladies.
- Listen, - she was angry - and you could not grasp something else?
- Do not tempt me, madam!

- Girl, take your foot off the composter.
- Aha! I'll take, and you put!

Sinner comes to church for confession:
- The Holy Father, I have sinned: I went once a fortnight ago on the street and suddenly I look - the sky was shrouded by clouds, thought to rain, I went to Qom for tea ... and sinned with a godmother.
- God forgive you, my son.
- And here a week ago, I go through the park and sky clouds skidded again, thought to rain, I went to his mother for tea and ... sinned with the mother.
- God forgive you, my son.
- But that's not all, just two days ago, going around the city and then the sky overcast with clouds, thought to rain and decided to go to the Test for tea and ... sinned with the father.
Father (went to the window and says): - Idika you on x * k my son, I do not look the sky clouds sucked ...
Home - half the battle, the end - around the head!
Then one comedian approached, asking whether it is possible to replace the fact, I told him - no. At first there, then here.
The radio must be in the head of the chief of the column.
We stand at the dawn of the evening.

Fellow student, if you want to say something, it is better to be silent.
Fellow student, if you are a moron, then say so, and there is nothing to break the gun.
Shut up, I ask you!

First people will, and then we'll go.
What do you come to me with these hands, with the feet!
So I no personnel in the barracks have not seen!
Cadet, remove the hand from the mouth!
Withdraw to you in the open field, put a face to the wall and put a bullet in the forehead, to be remembered for a lifetime!
If a woman is perfectly keeps the secret - so she does not have friends ...
Of two evils wins the most vicious. So good there.
Happiness is not about money ... Happiness, it is in the money!
Russia has two misfortunes: Spain and Portugal.
He was good at chess - easily lifted with one hand bag full of queens!
At seven goats and wolf without eye.
They met in the forest Two novice hunter! Both corpses!
Oka car - feel yourself ... disabled!
She said she did not get on the photos ... and do not lie.
Buttoned buttons on the woman look ugly, and unbuttoned - delicious!
In our time, the sexual revolution and the reforms saying << >> Before the wedding heal acquires some other meaning ...
Woman like a cigarette - one is advised to quit, others ask delayed.
Estonians were lucky to catch a goldfish, but when he started talking about his desire - the fish is somehow not so smacks of ...
- Gogi, you take out bannery ne?
- Nat, I wash houses ...
From the order: "In addition to the term" potential enemy "to enter into the terms of an appeal:" Perhaps ally "," Apparently, the traitor "and" Partizan if not scared. "
- Comrade Ensign - and you know how to interest idiot?
- No, but how ?!
- Tomorrow will tell ...
- Bush is going to visit! Cognac bought?
- Have you forgotten - Putin urges to spend resources optimally! Tint vodka dioxin, and that's that.
- Honey, a delicious cake!
- The store bought.
- And the very same bake?
- Of what? We have no flour, no eggs, no MSG or E517 or E1452! ...
Wife - husband:
- You see what you are! You always do not care! He promised to do the dishes, and he fell on the couch!
- Well, if you promised, so be it ... Bring the dishes here - I'll wash!
From a television interview Chernomyrdin:
- Viktor - and how, in your opinion, should be based policy of Russia with the countries of the former CIS?
- Well, if you're talking about our neighbors minded - I believe!

Plakatiki the tax office: "The art of taxation is to pluck the goose as to obtain the maximum amount of fluff with a minimum of hissing."
The first course, a teacher asks a student-freshman:
- Tell us about the polarization of light.
She answered him and said:
- And I'm not the Light, I - Natasha!
She told a friend of his wife ...
It works in a chemist's point, which is located in a grocery store.
And here comes some guy and starts so rummaged in all departments.
Rummaged, rummaged - then coming to the pharmacy, and begins to study the thought of condoms.
Well, she could not resist - and foolishly asked:
- Can I help you?
At that the man looked sullenly at her and said:
- There is no better ... vodka ...
- Мария, расскажите мне сказку!
- Эротическую?
- Нет, страшную! А то я в прошлый раз уснуть не мог!
Про компьютеры точно знаю одно: если все провода на вашем компьютере заплетены в аккуратные, трогательные косички - то ваш компьютер собирала женщина.
Причём собирала в школу!
- Где был?
- В секс-шопе. Женщину купил.
- А чего такая маленькая?
- Пробник!
- Сборную России по футболу клонировали - и она сыграла сама с собой...
- So how is it?!
- Наши проиграли!
- Как мне найти адрес "улица Красноармейская, дом 15"?
- Пройдите прямо и сверните направо за бывшим овощным магазином...
- Да идиш ты на!.. Иврит твою мать...
"Похоже, он меня не уважает..." - девушка снова перечитала sms-ку на своём телефоне: "света, да пошла ты на хуй!".
"... Моё имя написал с маленькой буквы!" - подумала она.
Выходит русский турист на балкон своей гостиницы в Таиланде утром, оглядывает пляж и удивлённо говорит: - Бля, от это мы вчера Рождество отметили...
Вчера сдавал экзамены автоматом...
Патронов в обойме хватило только на преподов по философии и социологии.
Юркие, паскуды!!!
- У нас вся деревня грибами отравилась.
- Как, сразу все?!
- Не... Сначала один. А потом на его поминках односельчане доели оставшиеся...
Владимир Жириновский предложил В. Януковичу оспаривать результаты переголосования в Басманном суде города Москвы...
- Между прочим, моя дочка отправляется на конкурс "Мисс Вселенная".
- Что-о-о-о! Твоя бегемотиха!
- Yes.
- Так она же у тебя таких габаритов, что уже ни в одно платье не влезает!
- Читай по губам. Она будет участвовать в конкурсе мисс ВСЕ-ЛЕН-НА-Я!
Новости дорожной инспекции.
Резкое снижение скорости автомобилей было получено при замене лежачего полицейского на лежачую полицейскую.
- Мама, что за ерунду ты мне говоришь?! Почему это меня аист принёс?! Что - у папаши уже не встаёт?!
Дед Мороз хвастается Санта-Клаусу:
- А моя Снегурочка первое место на конкурсе заняла!
- Поздравляю. А что за конкурс?
- "Мисс Фригидность".
- Доктор, у меня такое предчувствие, как будто во мне сидят два человека.
Один говорит: "Пей!", а другой: "Не пей!"
- Ясно. А вы научите их угощать друг друга...
Выпивают русский, хохол и еврей.
Хохол:
- Хочу, чтобы все москали сдохли!
Выпили...
Русский:
- Хочу, чтобы все хохлы сдохли!
Выпили...
Еврей:
- Ну, за сказанное!
- Чем отличается доберман от Либермана?
- Доберман обрезан сзади!
Идёт конкурсный набор сопрано. Конец дня, дирижёр измучен, заходит женщина
- он спрашивает, не глядя:
- Сопрано?
- Нет, меццо...
- Ну вы что - читать не умеете?! Видите, написано чёрным по белому - со-пра-но...
- Да вы не нервничайте, давайте попробуем.
Дирижёр, не желая спорить, говорит:
- Хорошо, попробуем... ДО возьмёте?
- Да нет проблем... А можно после?!
За столом обедают отец и старший сын. Мать ставит блюда на стол...
Сын, заметив, что отцу поставили больше еды, говорит - мол, мамаша своему ёбарю кладёт больше.
На что отец запустил в него тарелкой. Промахнувшись, он попал в голову мирно сравшему на горшке младшему сыну...
Младший:
- В рот я ебал эту семейку... научусь ходить - съебусь отсюда!