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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories


A lesson in Georgia. Teacher:
- Children. Write down the sentences: "Two hens came out of the great wall."
Have you recorded? Now write down another sentence: "Of the Great Wall
another chicken came out. "Recorded? Then, Gogi, tell me how much
chicken got out of the wall?
- Three, teacher.
- Wrong. Four.
- Why four?
- Because one chicken went unnoticed!

There is a man, watching - the Chukchi puts a pole and climbs on it. Falls, sets again and climbs. A man asks him:
- What are you doing?
- I measure the height of the column.
- So you put it and measure it.
- So this, however, will be the length, but I need the height.

Caught a wolf (B) man (M):
(B) - Well, man! Get ready - I'll eat you now ... or I won’t. Now, if you fulfill the three desires of a person, then I’m not with you.
The man was delighted, agreed. The wolf catches a woman (F) and asks:
(B) - What do you want?
(F) - A man ...
A joyful man quickly fulfilled his first wish. (B) - What else do you want?
(F) - Another man ...
The man tensed, won, fulfilled his second desire.
(B) - Well, what is your last wish? What do you want?
(F) - Again a man!
(M) - Wolf! Eat me!!!

The British, French and Russians argued who would stay longer in the refrigerator.
The British took cards with them, whiskey and climbed. They sat for a day - they could not stand it and got out. The French took wine and women. They stayed for 2 days and also got out. The Russians took moonshine and a snack. Week sit, the second. They think they froze there, you need to look. A man opens the door, and he is kicked in the face and the door closes again. Voice from the refrigerator:
- Vanya, why are you him?
- It’s so cold here, but he still opens the door!

A man came to the beach. Nobody to the people. He stripped naked and swam. He bought himself up, swims to the shore, and near his underwear the girl sits and reads a book. What to do?
He ducked back into the water. He looks at the bottom of the basin. He took it, blocked it in front and went to the girl:
- Hello, beautiful girl!
- Hello.
- What are we doing?
“Yes, I’m reading a book,” she replies.
- And what about the book?
- Yes, how to guess thoughts.
“What am I thinking now?” he asks.
- You think that the basin has a bottom.

We arrived at sea at sea. Father:
- Sincu. Oce sea. Sin, I’ve lived all the time with the steppe, having lived i’ve got a little riches without baking:
- Dee-ee? Father:
- Oce, Sincu, all otsya water - the sea!
- Dee-ee? We entered a colo in the water.
- Sincu, marvel! The sky is from the earth, and the blue is the sea!
- Dee-ee? We went on shiyu. Father:
- Sinku! Look at the water - the mustache is the sea!
- Dee-ee? Old man for shee, she squeak by the water. For hvinyagu Vitiage. Syn:
- Old Man! What a bulo ?!
- The sea, the blue, the sea ..
- Dee-ee?

Soldiers are being transported by plane, one of them asks:
“Will they give us parachutes in case of an accident?”
- No, not supposed to.
- And when we were transported by ship, they gave us life jackets.
- Yes, the ship is so laid.
- Wow! I did not imagine that there are more people who know how to fly than people who know how to swim!

A soldier sent to serve abroad wrote to his parents: "I can’t say where I serve, but I inform you that I’m going to ask the first local person I met if he is ashamed of his ancestors who invented gunpowder."

Rain. Mud. The general goes to the army. On the way he sees a stuck truck of his unit. Well, so be it, you need help.
We got out with the driver, began to push. Drove in the mud, but the truck pushed out.
The general, wiping sweat and shaking hands with the truck driver, says:
- Heavy, however.
“Yes,” he answers, “I have a company of demobilization going home there.”

Before leaving for America, I worked for about a year at a large factory in Moscow at the Computer Center.
For lunch, we went in a big crowd to the factory canteen, where, we must pay tribute, they fed well. And one aunt worked abnormal there, she was always angry, she always went with a rag, wiped it off the tables and muttered something under her breath.
Once I listened to what she was grumbling to herself there.
It turned out this:
- And they go, and eat, and eat, and eat ....

But there was a case ...
Somehow my friends gathered to take a walk. It was not that 23
February
not that March 8th. Well, as usual, bought vodka, snacks and
go,
what’s called "to the hut." There were 4-5 of them. Arrived
come in
to the elevator, press a button and ride in anticipation. And here
somewhere
in the middle the elevator stops and refuses further
go. Doors
also do not open. Stingy, stinging at the "challenge", but no one at
help
didn't come. In short, after a while they decided to "start"
in the elevator,
all was with the benefit. Although uncomfortable, but fun.
Finally somewhere
in two and a half - three hours, when the brigade arrived and
freed
"captives", the latter were very cheerful and with difficulty without
outsider
help could get out of the elevator ... The holiday was a success.

A wonderful story about a teacher who dubbed the variable “pi with a handle” reminded me of a similar case at the mechanics department of Saratov University, where I studied a quarter century ago. Our calm and serious teacher of differential equations introduced a completely trivial coordinate system XYZ. Then, along the way, he changed the direction of the Z axis and named the new axis U. Then he again changed the direction of the axis, called it “U with a wave” and marked accordingly.
So until the end of the lecture he worked in the coordinate system "XYU with the wave."
We conscientiously recorded the lecture, and only when we began to prepare for the exams, my friend opened his eyes wide: "Just look at what my whole notebook is written out with!"

One cool guy wanted to be smart. I bought a smart book.
Sold more. And I thought: "Just a couple of smart books and I will be smart."
One cool met another cool. - Well, sukanahbl?
- Yes, no, sukanahbl. So we talked. One cool met another cool. - Cool? - Cool.
- And I'm cool.
- Cool. We talked.
One steep farted on the tram. Then he thought: “But the cool people do not ride trams.” He went out and farted on the street.
One cool guy tricked another cool guy. He was offended and deceived the third.
He was offended and offended the fourth. Then the coolest chief came and restored justice, collecting everyone with a lemon.
Plan for a general medical examination, pasteurization and sewerage.
Recruitment to the sick is announced. Ready or not, here I come.
Hard to heal - easy in paradise. Be patient.
To tolerate it easier, the House of Tolerance opens.
The order of the patient is in the order of the live queue.
The most patient will be examined.
The most impatient - pasteurized.
What does the sewer do not know, but the word is good.

Stock is one of the ways to turn money into today's valuable paper.
Auction is a sales show where space prices are set by aliens.
Exchange - the fate of your wallet or life is decided there.
Broker - broker, intermediary. Not to be confused with a broiler that has long disappeared from use. Brokers are larger, more well-fed and more expensive.
Currency is something for which now, as before, they give the highest measure.
Marketing - a comprehensive analysis of a mirage occurring in the desert:
market, goods and caravan of manufacturers.
A manager is one who runs a company adjusted for the wind that he creates.
Real estate is a type of contribution by mixing money supply with land, sand and cement.
A deal is when two low contracting parties spit on all four.
The sponsor is the one who finds it easier to part with money than to explain where it came from.

If you get satisfaction from your work, then you are a prostitute.
... And if you do not have time to run after the ball - you are in the Russian national football team!
Women, remember that when a man tells you: << Yes! >> - sometimes he just doesn’t have time to finish the phrase: << Yes ... you go! >>.
Eat << Rastishka >> from << Danone >> - you will get to serve in the riot police!
A virgin is no better than a libertine - both, in essence, think of the same thing ...
By buying unlicensed programs, you are helping Osama bin Laden.
The little boy lived on the ninth floor - but only reached the sixth ...
Had to live there!
Erotica is a miserable parody of pornography.
The most expensive tetris was at Binladen ...
Labor made a man out of a monkey. Labor may go away.
The real tragedy is when you marry for love, and then you discover that this goat has a dime!
Well, on the basis of the night, I'm not ominetian ...

- Manya! Marry me?
- What shift?

- Jews! Accept Christ!
- He already was with us! We gave it to you! Gifts are not gifts!
- Oh, mother, what kind of oil do you fry?!?!
- What's wrong?! You just have to spend !!!
- Mom, but not on a motor fry !!!
- Yesterday, the boys from the third school opened the hatch, pulled out a cable from it, tied it to a dump truck and began to watch how the third school was hiding behind the bend!
My wife and I - for safe sex! We masturbate in different rooms ... That it is safe, I have already convinced her ... Now I'm trying to convince that IT is sex ....
“I will only answer questions in the presence of my personal psychiatrist!”
Husband: - Yes, it is true that I promised you mountains of gold - but there was no talk of a washing machine ...
Buyer:
- "The perfect egg" .... Who was taken away?
Seller:
- At chickens, yes!
- And they did not resist?
- Those who resisted are sold in the next department ...
- Guys, it seems to me that someone is smoking in our room. Either you are a boy with green ears, or you are a baby elephant!
The day before yesterday, representatives of the Tide came - asked to look at the shirts.
Yesterday, representatives of "Duckling" came - asked to look at the toilet.
Today, representatives of Blendamed come - they will look at their teeth ...
We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of representatives of Alwaus with Tampax!
Putin and advisers discuss political move ...
- Here's what we'll do: we’ll announce that Zhirinovsky is fucking pigs!
- Vladimi-dimyrych! Duck, it will be ... not true!
- It's not true - but think HOW his refutation will sound ...
- Hi dear! And where have you been?
- At the neighbor.
- Strange! Your T-shirt smells like you were running ...
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, but do not you think that the new system for appointing governors is a kind of remix of the tsarist state system?
- So, I’m tired of your black blouse, your glasses, your manner of correcting your fringe and asking smart questions. I got up and left here!
Little Red Riding Hood comes to grandmother:
- Grandma, I brought you some pies! Eat faster while hot!
- Later, granddaughter - I have not yet digested the wolf ...
Students at the end of the session took a feast with everything necessary.
The next morning, one of the walkers, crazy, says:
- Imagine, Borya - they were sausage all night, sausage to the music ...
In the morning, look - but we don’t have a tape recorder either. That's how they thought!
At the end of the working day, an elderly accountant addresses the young:
- Masha - please close the plumage ...
“Don't teach me what to do!” Better close yours!
The husband calls his wife, she is worried:
- Where are you dear?
- At the mistress.
- Well, thank God! And I already thought - again on the Maidan ...
- It is known that a man differs from a boy in the cost of toys. A woman from a girl?
- The quality of these: girls like soft toys, and women - hard ones.
Two people come out of the bank, talking. The last phrase is heard:
- A controlling interest to him? What I wanted! A control shot to him!
- Girl - do you have a pretty sister, or does she look like you?
Announcement: "A criminal is wanted. Special signs: black curls, a high brow, a light face, a majestic tread."
- Again, our auto mechanic had sex with a client!
“How did you define this?”
- Look - his only middle finger is dazzlingly clean!
In the United States, the FA-22 Rartor invisible fighter crashed.
... Or maybe not...
- Boys, I learned to read thoughts! .. That's all. Got it! I'm leaving.
- Hello, this is the Weak Link program and I, Maria Kiseleva. Today our sponsor is the new laxative Unimol. And I do not have time to ask a question ...
“How do you manage not to spend the night at home so often, and your wife forgives you this every time?”
“Well, so I always bring her a certificate that I had with my mistress!”
“And who is this mistress?”
- The head doctor of a sobering-up station!
The husband returned from fishing - and his wife said to him:
“Go check it out - have you caught something?”
Why do some people write a seven with a horizontal dash in the middle, although on typewriters and computers use the usual seven without a dash?
Just when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, began to read the Ten Commandments to his people and reached the seventh commandment, “Do not commit adultery,” the people began to chorus: “Cross out the seven, cross out!”.
Criminal Chronicle.
Yesterday, a teacher of the Russian language was detained at the "Wallpaper" store while intoxicated ...
She tried to fix the store’s sign on “Both.”
Examination at the military department. Summer, fine weather, the entire examination committee was ruined with terrible force, someone was looking out the open window, someone was quietly napping. It turns out that something about the tank was answered by a student who had never even seen him from afar, but only on TV in a parade (and that is not a fact). On this occasion, they have already hung up some diagram depicting the structure of the tank. A student takes a pointer and, turning to a half-asleep commission, begins to answer on the ticket, poking a pointer into the diagram: - This is the tank’s tower, this is the track’s tank, and this’s the clitoris’s tank ...
The commission was shocked, all in one voice, turning to the scheme:
- Where? !!!!!
... The student meant clearance, the gap between the bottom and the ground ...

Young people in moments of intimacy.
She:
- How beautiful you are! Do you know how nice it is to have sex with a handsome man?
He hesitated a little: - No!
There is a young couple - it seems that the husband and wife. Explicitly in a hurry. He: - I want to eat so much that a little more - and I'll start eating ...
She (in a lazy voice):
“Well, and where do you start?”
Is he:
- Well, so that it was imperceptible!
She (already more interested):
- Which one ?!
He realizes, she herself finds the answer:
- From the brain?
The patient is trying to convince the doctor to let him go home due to the full mental sanity. When asked why the police brought him here, he replies that they simply did not know that he was the real one. And all the rest “he” are just copies of it, which “they” began to clone right after they put microchips in his head. And he will probably have to kill himself to stop the cloning process.
The simplest anal vibrator can be obtained by putting a condom on an electric toothbrush. The simplest does not mean safe.
A smoked guy, his no less smoked girlfriend convinced that by introducing battery acid mixed with drinking soda inside the penis, you can get an eternal boner. The guy has nothing more to stand.
The patient complained that when he puts his finger in his ear, he does not hear anything.
Another patient, apparently the brother of the previous one (by reason), woke up because a cockroach crawled into his ear. Without hesitation, he plugged his ear with his finger (so that the cockroach did not crawl out) and rushed off to the nearest emergency room for ambulance (so that the cockroach was pulled out). I do not know what led him in his actions. Perhaps the desire to take revenge on the vile insect. But when lidocaine was poured into the patient’s ear, he complained that it was a very nasty feeling. He apparently liked the cockroach.
Before the fight, the woman pulled out an artificial eye and, for better safety, decided to hide it in her vagina. Experts have already extracted.
The man decided to circumcise himself. He chose dry ice for local anesthesia. When the ice stuck to the head, I thought of thawing it with boiling water.
The patient decided to drink paints from abdominal pain, because he decided that she would “cover the walls of the stomach with a thick protective layer” no worse than pepto-bismol from advertising.
The patient was delivered by ambulance with a 12-inch (30 cm) artificial member stuck in her ass. 2 hours after extraction, it was again delivered with the same diagnosis, because "now the hole has probably developed."
The patient's removable denture did not hold well on the gums. Therefore, he thought of sticking it with superglue.
The 13-year-old girl decided to go for a swim, despite the huge plaster cast. Inside, everything was wet and filled with sand. At first, the girl tried to scrape the sand with a bent wire hanger, tearing the skin. And then she poured salt there so that she "absorbed the water." When the doctors asked the parents if the girl had developmental delays, the father replied "I understand why you are asking, but no."
After severe diarrhea, the patient tried to soften the anus with turpentine.
Another patient tried to treat constipation with a vodka enema.
A 97-year-old woman fell and lay on the floor without moving or talking for 6 days. Her over-age child of an unspecified gender decided that her mother was sleeping. When mother cooled down, she was covered with blankets and furnished with heaters. The smell did not arouse any suspicion. But after 6 days an ambulance was nevertheless called. Suddenly something is amiss.
Another genius thought of treating diarrhea as a laxative. "So that everything comes out and ends." Took two different at once, for reliability.
An ambulance rang a man who suspected that the bartender poured him too much alcohol. The caller demanded to take him to the hospital and check the level of alcohol in the blood in order to pinch the villain.
After all, the patient knew that his friend suffers from uncontrolled convulsions. And still decided to have oral sex with her.
An obese (200+ kg) patient is delivered with groin pain. Diagnosis: crushed his own eggs, sitting on them.
A patient with open fractures of both hands, accompanied by circulatory disorders, tried to masturbate in order to escape from pain. Not a good idea.
The man returned home after a night in the billiard room, not wearing a seat belt, and drove into a pole. It is not clear how this happened, but it ended with a cue in the ass.
And again on stage, our friend is a 30-cm artificial member. The marine during sexual games with his wife managed to push him in the ass with a stopper placed on the inactive end specifically to prevent such incidents. In order to avoid scandal, he arrived at the civilian hospital, where the doctor put the resolution “not urgently” and sent him to his native army anyway.
Favorite explanation of patients regarding foreign bodies in the rectum: "it stood on the floor, and I slipped and fell on it." Most often we are talking about bottles with shampoo. With a 30-cm dildo, such explanations certainly do not roll.
It's not my fault that the funniest stories are related to foreign objects in the ass. But we are again talking about them. When a patient put a ping-pong ball there, he soon discovered that it was not so easy to get it back. The round and slippery ball avoided any attempt to remove it. Then the patient realized to make himself a cement enema to fix the damned toy. The doctor, under anesthesia, was already removing the frozen modern sculpture.
Caught the savage group of tourists, led to the leader.
Leader: So, we kill women, men e..m.
Women: Uh, do men fuck?
Guys: Fuck, Fuck!

Muzhik built a house and got married. After a year, the house burned down, his wife died.
Muzhik built a house again and got married. After a year, the house burned down, his wife died.
Muzhik in the third time built a house and got married. After a year, the house burned down, his wife died.
Begged the man:
- Great God, why are you punishing me like that? !!!.
And he hears the voice of God from heaven:
- Hmm ... you just do not like me ... ;-(.

Groom - friend: "Before the first wedding night I will smear a member of green paint."
Friend: "Why?"
Groom: "And the wife asks -" Why is he your green? "- and I’m in her
answer: "Where have you seen others?" :)

The new boss gathered a team and announced a plan for the week:
- On Monday we have a rest from Saturday and Sunday holidays. Tuesday - preparing for serious work. We work hard on Wednesday. On Thursday we take a break from hard work. On Friday - preparation for Saturday and Sunday holidays.
Any questions? One worker rises: - This is Che, we will work every Wednesday ?!

A man brought a woman home at night, and the drunk himself barely holds on to his feet, well, he wanted her one, and the woman had menstruation. Well, he satisfied her understandable business and sent her a lady, and he fell asleep. In the morning, the head wakes up, it splits, looks at the hands and says in horror:
- I probably killed her ... Then he goes to the bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror:
- And then I probably ate ...

A man complains to another
- My wife completely tormented me: as I go home, she stands at the door and says:
Breathe! As he teaches alcohol, he leaves the door at night.
- And you drink "Solntsedar" she never teaches ...
... -Well, how did it help?
- No, I’m coming home, she’s as usual: “Breathe!” I breathed. After some thought, the wife says to me: "Breathe through your mouth, I said with my mouth!"

On the bus, one man in a state of light drinking constantly steps on the leg of an intellectual. But since he is also an intellectual, he is politely so interested:
- Oh, I do not bother you?
And so five times. And finally, gets the answer:
- No, nothing. Do not worry - once again in the face!

The crowded bus braked sharply, and an elderly passenger involuntarily grabbed the shoulder of a lady standing nearby.
“Listen,” she says angrily, “but could you grab hold of something else?”
“Don't tempt me, madame!”

- Girl, take your foot off the composter.
- Aha! I will clean, and you will deliver!

A sinner comes to the temple to confess:
“Holy father, I have sinned: I walked about a week or two ago along the street and suddenly I look - the sky is cloudy, I thought to rain, I went to the coup for tea ... and I committed a sin with the puma.
- God will forgive my son.
- But a week ago I was walking in the park and again the sky skidded with clouds, thought to rain, went to my mother-in-law for tea and ... sinned with my mother-in-law.
- God will forgive my son.
“But that’s not all, just two days ago I was walking around the city and the sky was cloudy again, I thought about the rain and decided to go to my father-in-law for tea and ... sinned with my father-in-law.
The Holy Father (went to the window and says): - You’re going to fuck my son, or else I look at the sky with clouds ...
The beginning is half the battle, the end is the head of everything!
Then one comedian came up, asked if it could be replaced by something, I told him - no. First there, then here.
The radio station should be in the head of the head of the column.
We perform at dawn in the evening.

Comrade cadet, if you want to say something, you better keep quiet.
Comrade cadet, if you are a moron, then say so, and there’s nothing to break a gun.
To be silent, I ask you!

People will pass first, and then we will go.
That you come to me with such hands, with such legs!
So that I do not see any personnel in the barracks!
Cadet, take your hands out of your mouth!
To take you out into the open field, put you facing the wall and put a bullet in your forehead, so that you will remember it for life!
If a woman perfectly keeps a secret, then she has no friends ...
Of the two evils, the most evil wins. So good appears.
Happiness, it is not in money ... Happiness, it is in money!
Russia has two troubles: Spain and Portugal.
He was strong in chess - he easily lifted a full bag of queens with one hand!
Seven goats and a wolf without an eye.
Met two beginner hunters in the forest! Both corpses!
Eye Car - Feel ... Disabled!
She said she couldn’t do it in the photographs ... and she didn’t lie.
The buttons fastened on the woman look ugly, and the buttons unfastened look amazing!
In our time of sexual revolutions and reforms, the proverb << Before the wedding heals >> takes on some other meaning ...
A woman is like a cigarette - some are advised to quit, others are asked to drag out.
The Estonian was lucky to catch a goldfish, but when he began to talk about his desire, then the fish already somehow did not smell so ...
- Gogi, do you get the banners?
- Nat, I wash myself at home ...
From the order: “In addition to the term“ Probable adversary ”, introduce the terms:“ Perhaps an ally, ”“ Apparently a traitor, ”and“ Partisan, if not afraid. ”
- Comrade Warrant Officer - do you know how to interest an idiot?
- No, but how ?!
- I'll tell you tomorrow ...
- Bush is visiting! Cognac bought?
- Have you forgotten - Putin urges you to spend resources optimally! We color the vodka with dioxin, and it’s the end.
- Dear, delicious cake!
“I bought it at the store.”
- Do you bake the same?
- Of what? We have neither flour, nor eggs, nor sodium glutamate, nor E517, nor E1452! ...
Wife - to husband:
- You see how you are! You always don't care! He promised to wash the dishes, and he lay on the sofa!
- Well, if you promised, so be it ... Bring the dishes here - I'll wash!
From a television interview with V. Chernomyrdin:
- Victor Stepanovich - how do you think the policy of Russia with the countries of the former CIS should be built?
- Well, if you are talking about our close neighbors, then I think that!

Poster in the tax office: "The art of taxation is to pinch the goose so as to get the maximum amount of fluff with minimal hiss."
First year, a teacher asks a freshman student:
- Tell us about the polarization of light.
She replies to him:
- And I'm not Sveta, I'm Natasha!
My wife’s friend told me ...
It works in a pharmacy, which is located in a grocery store.
And then a man comes in and begins to rummage around in all departments.
She rummages around, rummages through - then she goes to the pharmacy and begins to study condoms thoughtfully.
Well, she could not stand it - and foolishly asked:
- Can I help you?
To which the peasant frowned at her and answered:
- No ... better than vodka ...
- Maria, tell me a fairy tale!
- Erotic?
- No, scary! And the last time I could not fall asleep!
I know one thing about computers for sure: if all the wires on your computer are braided into neat, touching pigtails, then a woman collected your computer.
And I collected it at school!
- Where was he?
- In a sex shop. I bought a woman.
- А чего такая маленькая?
- Пробник!
- Сборную России по футболу клонировали - и она сыграла сама с собой...
- So how?!
- Наши проиграли!
- Как мне найти адрес "улица Красноармейская, дом 15"?
- Пройдите прямо и сверните направо за бывшим овощным магазином...
- Да идиш ты на!.. Иврит твою мать...
"Похоже, он меня не уважает..." - девушка снова перечитала sms-ку на своём телефоне: "света, да пошла ты на хуй!".
"... Моё имя написал с маленькой буквы!" - подумала она.
Выходит русский турист на балкон своей гостиницы в Таиланде утром, оглядывает пляж и удивлённо говорит: - Бля, от это мы вчера Рождество отметили...
Вчера сдавал экзамены автоматом...
Патронов в обойме хватило только на преподов по философии и социологии.
Юркие, паскуды!!!
- У нас вся деревня грибами отравилась.
- Как, сразу все?!
- Не... Сначала один. А потом на его поминках односельчане доели оставшиеся...
Владимир Жириновский предложил В. Януковичу оспаривать результаты переголосования в Басманном суде города Москвы...
- Между прочим, моя дочка отправляется на конкурс "Мисс Вселенная".
- Что-о-о-о! Твоя бегемотиха!
- Yes.
- Так она же у тебя таких габаритов, что уже ни в одно платье не влезает!
- Читай по губам. Она будет участвовать в конкурсе мисс ВСЕ-ЛЕН-НА-Я!
Новости дорожной инспекции.
Резкое снижение скорости автомобилей было получено при замене лежачего полицейского на лежачую полицейскую.
- Мама, что за ерунду ты мне говоришь?! Почему это меня аист принёс?! Что - у папаши уже не встаёт?!
Дед Мороз хвастается Санта-Клаусу:
- А моя Снегурочка первое место на конкурсе заняла!
- Поздравляю. А что за конкурс?
- "Мисс Фригидность".
- Доктор, у меня такое предчувствие, как будто во мне сидят два человека.
Один говорит: "Пей!", а другой: "Не пей!"
- Ясно. А вы научите их угощать друг друга...
Выпивают русский, хохол и еврей.
Хохол:
- Хочу, чтобы все москали сдохли!
Выпили...
Russian:
- Хочу, чтобы все хохлы сдохли!
Выпили...
Jew:
- Ну, за сказанное!
- Чем отличается доберман от Либермана?
- Доберман обрезан сзади!
Идёт конкурсный набор сопрано. Конец дня, дирижёр измучен, заходит женщина
- он спрашивает, не глядя:
- Сопрано?
- Нет, меццо...
- Ну вы что - читать не умеете?! Видите, написано чёрным по белому - со-пра-но...
- Да вы не нервничайте, давайте попробуем.
Дирижёр, не желая спорить, говорит:
- Хорошо, попробуем... ДО возьмёте?
- Да нет проблем... А можно после?!
За столом обедают отец и старший сын. Мать ставит блюда на стол...
Сын, заметив, что отцу поставили больше еды, говорит - мол, мамаша своему ёбарю кладёт больше.
На что отец запустил в него тарелкой. Промахнувшись, он попал в голову мирно сравшему на горшке младшему сыну...
Младший:
- В рот я ебал эту семейку... научусь ходить - съебусь отсюда!