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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories



Tennis on the TV.
Phrase commentator: "Seeing the wonderful miracle-point of Maria Sharapova, the audience roared with delight, and Pope Venus Williams began to cry."


"John, I brought you ten hamburgers!"
- Beauty!
Voice of the announcer: you listened to the radio show "American Beauty".


"Has everyone peretopila?"
- One hundred pieces.
- Another one is running somewhere!
Voice of the announcer: You have auditioned the radio show "One Hundred and One Dalmatian".


- And yesterday we played red caviar in dominoes!
- Like this?
- Cut the sandwiches, smeared with butter and stuck the eggs in each of them in dots.
- And who got what?
- I, as the head of the family - six or six, my wife - five or five, my oldest son - four or four, the middle - three or three, the youngest - two or two, daughters - one-one.
And my mother - empty-empty!


- Yes, the rival to our boxer is too tough, but our boxer is in the teeth ... on the kidneys ... the barbell went into action ...


One person won 50 million in the lottery and went to the investment fund ...
The expert advises:
- 10 million invest in bonds, 10 million in blue chips, 10 million in risky shares, 10 million in real estate, and 10 million buy rockets - and shell the Arabs.
"Why?" - the lucky guy is surprised.
"I do not know for sure," the specialist answers, "but the Jews do just that ..."


- At home, everything is decided by Dad! And who is our father today - my mother decides ...


News!
Madrid Real Madrid buys goalkeeper Yaroslavl "Shinnik."
On the organs.


"Kolyan, you're toast!"
- Yes, I do not know how to toast!
- No, let's talk!
- Okay. Goats are all of you and freaks!
- What!?!?
"I told you I can not ..."


Advertising in the showroom:
"An unthinkable beauty car full of exciting bends and sensuality!
Feel how gently trembling under your foot is its accelerator ... ".
I bought it, now I do not know what to do: either ride it, or fuck in a dark alley ...


From life.
A peasant comes to work from the morning, brings with him a coffee pot and starts soldering to it a spout and a pen ...
Meanwhile, the whole team is going to, and, of course, everyone agonizes the question - what happened with the coffee pot (it should be noted that this man was very thrifty). In general, there was a volunteer who decided to take an interest, to which he heard only:
- Fuck you !!!
Before dinner, no one got a guy ... He, meanwhile, finished the repair of such an object dear to the heart and was engaged in everyday work matters.
After dinner, in the smoking-room, his co-workers got him out and he told them his story ...
He ground it with epoxy putty. Well, from time to time I applied myself to the bottle. When everything was finished, he decided to drink coffee, put the coffee pot on the stove, and sat down in the corner. The drunk moonshine has thrown on brains and the muzhik "has cut off" ... When has woken up, looks - already all water has boiled, and the coffee pot red costs. The man wanted to get up, but it was not there - good German trousers were tightly glued to the floor.
The instrument can not reach, and since it stuck in the corner, it was impossible to get out of the pants either. The only way out is to wait (soon the wife must come home from work) ...
At the coffeepot, in the meantime, a pen fell off. Then the spout fell off ...
The man is sitting and thinks what will happen before - the wife will come and stop this process or the coffee pot will melt completely ...
My wife came. The gas turned off, pulled out the scissors, cut the pants ... The man wants to stand up - but it was not there - the hair on his legs also stuck ...
As a man peeled off his legs - no one had heard since. the whole smoking room was laughing louder nowhere ...


There is nothing to laze in bed, if you can not make money there.
A woman should come home with bags in both hands and ring the door with her nose!
Gypsies do not fight microbes. They agree with them ...
She was so fashionable and packed that she even had gaskets from Armani.
I'm ready to slaughter someone for the Nobel Peace Prize.
And advertising has its good sides! Now everyone knows where women hide their wings.
She loved to visit people, but not at all.
In fact, to lose weight, you need to eat less and sit, but more shit and run.
Better a woman drunk than no ...
You should behave as if you are a cultured person!
There is such a profession, son, homeland to apply ...


Two lawyers come to a cafe, order drinks and get sandwiches.
"I'm sorry," says the barman, "but we can not eat our own food."
Lawyers are crooked, shrugging their shoulders and changing their sandwiches ...


From the plaintive book of the deli:
That's what I think about your sausage: the dog would bring her home, do not bite!


- Why did you come to Sochi with your girlfriend? It's like in Tula with your samovar!
"But I drink tea every day!"


- Hello! I am a distributor of the regional military enlistment office. We are organizing a corporate party. Come with friends. And take things with you.


Mom and his son come with a walk, he has a big bundle of balloons in his hands ...
Dad saw and said to his wife:
"Why did you buy so many balls for him?" Money has nothing to spend more, or what?
The son interrupted him:
- Daddy, and I gave the balls for free! One for each mother's purchase!


"And my grandfather fought with the Germans!"
"With the Germans?" And mine - against ...


Liliput approaches Andrei Makarevich and enthusiastically says:
- Andrei! I grew up on your music!


Times change ...
Earlier around the corner came to pour, and now to talk through the cell phone.


- I went to Hawaii this summer, there I met a girl: she barked all over, shouted, waved her hands ... and drowned!


New slogans for the leading transfer "Weak Link":
- Who was given a puzzle piece of 4 pieces for 25 years?
- Who made the birdhouse from the guitar and forgot to remove the strings?
- Who is doing the repeated fluorography, because he blinked?
- Who dances under Serduchka sober?


"Guys, come with Masha to play cards!"
- Strip?
"Have you seen Masha?" With her only for money!


- Imagine, my girl's shoes are 46th size.
- She that, you and puts there cotton wool?


- The mother-in-law recently has casually glanced on an exhibition of snakes.
- So what?
- I received the Grand Prix!


- Well, beautiful - went to ride !!
"A man, it's good to be fooled, we pay for travel!"


Carrying out excavations on the Sochi beach, archaeologists have discovered tools of the tenth century ...
Imagine - already in the tenth century the Sochi people buried instruments of labor in the land in order not to work!


A man pulls out a goldfish from the sea. She looks at him attentively.
Asks:
"A Jew?"
- Yes, yes ...
"Better fry it!"

A man walks into a cooperative store to buy his wife a gift.
- How much are these shoes? he asks the seller.
- 2000 rubles. The man whistles in amazement:
"Are those shoes white?"
"Two whistles."

"Vladimir Ilyich!" Tell me, whom is better to have a wife or mistress?
- And his wife and mistress, my friend. You say to your wife that you went to your mistress, you talk to your mistress - that to your wife, and yourself to the crocodile - and to hobble, crochet, gabotat!

A young woman is driving on a highway car with tremendous speed.
Seated next to her friend says,
"Can not you drive so fast?" Everything flashes before my eyes!
"And you do as I do."
- How?
- Close eyes.

The intruder:
- Tell me, what, is the border still on the castle?
Border guard:
- Locked! And then he would have long gone ...

The battlefield, devastation, smoking funnels, corpses, corpses, corpses ...
The last surviving soldier is wandering amidst this nightmare.
Passes by one of the funnels - there is a shapeless pile of meat - where the hands, where the legs ... And suddenly out of her voice:
"Bra-ah-ah-at ... help-and ... shoot me ..."
The soldier was grieved. I hooked the horn and pushed it all into the pile.
He crossed himself and said:
"Let the earth rest in peace."
And he went on. Suddenly behind:
"Thank you ... bra ..."

Lieutenant - to the orderly:
"If they ask me, I'm with the unit commander."
"And if the commander of the unit asks?"

There is a grandfather along the street ... I thought about it, but how can I perdnet!
- Oh, old age is not fun! And then he looked around, but there was nobody around ...
"And yet, as a young man, I was as fucked as I was!"

The traveler wants to buy his wife a bra.
The seller wants to know the size: - Well, at least in form, what is it: a peach, an apple, a small melon?
- The ears of a spaniel ...

- And this is my last realistic picture. It is called "Plasterers at work".
"But I see that they are sitting and smoking."
"I said it was a realistic picture."



Just one bad bit - and gigabytes are in marasmus.

The more you spin, the higher the sales tax.

Bad girls have to slap on the priest ... belly!
Conscience is a quiet voice reminding that you can be watched!
Every man in the soul of a gynecologist!
A man is created for a woman, so that her life does not seem to honey.
If the inhabitants of Bermuda are bermudas, then the inhabitants of Chernigov are Chernigov.
Dreamers are people who can take everything away, except tomorrow.
Mania of persecution is not a disease - it's the dream of those who are not needed by anyone.
Ukraine needs the West without Russia, only because it needs Russia without Ukraine.
If you remove from us 32 teeth, then the 33rd we will pull out for free.
It's good when joy does not come alone, but with a bottle!
What a sober girl has on her mind is that drunk in her mouth.


- You are brothers?
- No, we are twins.
- And what - twins are not brothers ?!
- Not always - we, for example, sisters!


From life.
Peter. Sadovaya Street. All kinds of shops, cafes, shops. Including, sex shop. The window next to it belongs to another shop, but because of the immediate neighborhood it looks like a single whole. Advertising inscriptions form a wonderful combination: "Intimate-shop. Sharpening tool."


- Something after work today you look very tired. Probably too difficult a crossword puzzle ...


For thirty years and three years Ilya Muromets stayed on the stove. And then came to him from VTEK, re-examined and deprived the first group of disability.
I had to go to work.


Putin at a meeting in Kiev asks Yushchenko:
- And how did the new Ukrainian government show itself?
- Great guys. They do not take bribes, they do not get drunk in the bath, they do not kill innocent animals on the hunt, they go to the skating rink - they go in for sports and cultural - they go to the theater all over the office.
- ABOUT! Great! Are there any shortcomings?
"Only one thing: they do not know how to fucking!"


Songs about love are of three kinds:
1) sad;
2) funny;
3) songs of the group "Leningrad".


"And my mother, when I got married, stabbed a pig."
"For the wedding?"
- No! Psihanula.


A woman friend who chooses a gift:
"Why does a married man have such a big wallet?"


- Ivanov, you are a fool!
"But the captain ..."
- That's an order!


- So, guys - our secretary Mashka Seleznev's addition in the family! All we give for 100 rubles. and DNA analysis ...


- And yet it is a pity that the young people no longer remember who Dostoevsky, Herzen, Belinsky are! ..
- A Griboyedov! You see how many griboedov among modern youth !!!


- The reader complains that there is too much advertising in the magazine.
- Let him say thank you that we do not have pop-up windows.


I drive up somehow in my car to the intersection ... and suddenly I feel - the brakes failed ... Mercedes and IZH stand ahead ...
And then I realized that IZH - This is for me!


Merchant, sailing:
- What do you want to bring your daughter for?
- Bring me, my father, a terrible monster, for sexual pleasures and perversions !!!
- Yes you that, daughter, I the father to you - I can not allow it !!!
- (sighing) Well ... let's go along the long way ... Bring me, my dear sir, the little flower ...


...The next morning.
"So, gentlemen, confess: who believes that my wife is an ideal?" So!
Well, put the question in another way: who wrote her a marker on the back:
"Sample"?


Ivanov saw the rat and screamed - a habit developed over many years before the sex change worked.


The door swings open and a guy runs into the room:
- That's great, Dad!
The father sits at the computer, without turning his head asks:
"Where did you hang out?"
- In the army, Dad ...


- Ivan Semenovich obviously has high blood pressure ...
"Why did you decide that, you're not a doctor?"
- And on it mosquitoes are exploding!


- Doctor, tell me - I would have something from the army ...
"Well, from the army, we usually recommend Baptism, Adventism, Population, it's good to do epileptic seizures, learn two or three fables of eight hundred words, well, you'll get some simple platypes for yourself, although this is already inefficient ... Here, all this do it - and come, we'll see ... Yes, and I also know a beautiful dining room where you can buy an ulcer inexpensively. We'll write you coupons there ...


The Federation of Athletics has forbidden athletes in the jump disciplines to apply gaskets with wings.


A poster in an ordinary Russian school: "Do you want new sensations?
Say NO to drugs! ".


- Sergey Sergeyevich, you would think about yourself a little. You are fifty kopecks, and no wives, no children. It's a shame! A good man, and all the best years - a cat under the tail.
"Do not worry about me."
- And we do not worry about you. We are sorry for the cat.


- You heard, Putin at any time can resign!
- Are you a fool ?!
- See for yourself ... Here is the Constitution: Article 37. "The President can resign at any time!"


- And I was with that girl at one desk sat, then we got married, they gave birth to children ...
- And then?
- Later?! Have put us together ...


- GAI officers in general were off! Yesterday fined $ 500!
- For what?!
"He says the pillowcase is dirty on the pillow ..."


Yesterday another interpreter of Viktor Stepanovich Chernomyrdin hanged himself in Kiev ...


They go in a taxi two:
"Darling, does it smell so good from you, or does that stink in the car so stink?"


- Sportsmen in synchronized swimming set a new record. They lived happily ever after and died one day.


Comes an absolutely buxom man into the store, falls on the counter, takes out two condoms out of his pocket, puts before a wild saleswoman and asks:
"Did I take this from you?"
Saleswoman:
- Maybe.
A man, thinking hard:
- What for?


- Knock Knock! Open it, police!
- And are you fucking closed there?


The fighter pilot is retiring ...
Wife croaks:
- You promised to ride on a fighter for twenty years ... You promised ... !!!
A man is tired, he comes to the squadron commander and grit:
- Commander, such a garbage ... Got it all ... Rolling it ... Komsk responds - they say, a war friend, children narozhala, cutlets there, all the cases - here, they say, you, kerosene for two hours and the corridor. .. Katai!
They are loaded on a plane - and for two hours the pilot is getting ALL aerobatics; coming to the landing, asks to be driven to the ambulance ...
Unload his wife from the cab - that's all filthy - well, in general, as a crock with shit ...
The pilot-husband leans over her and gently says:
"Well, shall we fuck or go to the theater?"


Youth is a great time when there is no profession, no rights, no money.
Only sexual orientation.
Burned with milk - blow vodka!
If you are thrown - spread your wings!
If you decide to bring joy to people, start by calling your grandmother a girl.
If you missed your chance, never think that he is the last, there will be other chances that you will miss.
In vain we worry, everything will remain the same: in Belarus - Luka, in the USA - Mudischev.
The enemy is the one to whom you gave the supper, and he also ate breakfast.
Ostriches do not like cats for digging their shit into the sand.
The earlier you quit smoking, the longer you will regret it later.
Condoms "Kozatski" - they have not only antennae, but also a forelock!


- And we have already met!
- That's what I'm looking at - a familiar body ...


- And what does your dog eat?
- Yesterday I bitten that guy's knee ...
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappi" with a taste of the knee over that man!


Shooting results:
Ivanov-milk ...
Petrov-milk ...
Sidorov-Petrov ...


A task that a good programmer will solve in a minute, and a good physicist will go mad: Asya weighs 4.2 meters.
For how long does it download, if the channel width is 5 kilos per second?


From life.
Sitting with us yesterday friend, works thin. editor in a porn magazine. And complains.
- When a normal person enters the office of the boss - he quickly switches, for example, from porn to Yandex ... When I come to the beginning of the alley - I have to switch from Yandex to porn !!!


- How old are you?
"Do not you know that a girl should not ask her age indecently?"
- Oh, so you're a girl? !!


The little boy comes home all scratched, the face is scratched, the hands are scratched, the breast is also scratched.
Dad:
"Sonny, what's wrong?"
- Yes, you understand Dad, we had a matinee in the kindergarten, and we were leading a dance ...
Children are small, and the tree is large.


Posner:
- Good evening! Today I would like to interview Timothy from the "Factory of Stars" ... Timothy, being the headliner of the total label of the post-Soviet funk culture, do you feel the civilian component of the positioned pop idol as a dominant status of a viewer who is obviously prolonged by the television ether and imposed on him rigid rotation of the establishment? And while Timothy thinks, let's move on to the soloist of the group "Leningrad"
Mr. Sergey Shnurov ...


A charitable evening was held in Moscow.
All the funds collected on it will go to the morning restoration of the participants of the evening ...


From life.
In Israel, a group of immigrants is interviewed ...
One of the questions is: what kinds of anti-Semitism did you experience in the USSR? Responds to an elderly pilot, Colonel:
- In June 1967, our squadron in Egypt received a mission - to prepare to bomb Tel Aviv ... So they pushed me away from the flights!


There is a new breed of ostriches ...
At the moment of fright, they not only put their head under the ground - but calmly there eat moles.


Voice from the bathroom:
- Dear, take off your glasses, I'm going to make up my makeup now ...


The fairy tale. Every year the princess was suffering more and more headaches. The princess was growing, but there was no crown.


- Man - do not tell me how to get to the hospital?
- It's necessary to fuck, girl, surely - it's not getting any different ...


- Barin, I made a bed - go oppress!


- I am an ordinary Ukrainian banker. I keep my money in UAH. No one will come to their mind to look for them there.

From the headlines of the yellow press: - In the center of Moscow, the cow ate the booth of the traffic police! - One of the cats Kuklacheva became pregnant from the owner! - Malakhov slept with Babkin for a glass of flour! - Daltonics do not distinguish between cold and hot water. - Decl closed in the church and waits for the parish! - Scooter killed four! - Who is behind Ermolaev? Who is Ermolaev? - After sex, legs are shortened! - Mikhail Fradkov - Nikolay! - Ogre-making diapers! - Glue along the streets of St. Petersburg and sniff people. "The Brothers Grimm came up with everything!" - George Bush is adequate - After the passport, the Ukupnik ate all the archives of the NKVD - Prince of Monaco - the prince of Moldavia - This season it's fashionable to cough! - Elections in the forest: the lion is the slave of animals. - Dry meat at the customs are looking for specially trained flies! "Merlin Menson is a folk songwriter!"
Life is a game of golf: a hole behind a hole ...
or
Love begins with an ideal, and ends with a blanket!
or
The body in the body is a sweet thing.
The tradition must be observed, Let them answer you more than once. Of course, the lady may not give, But you always have to offer her.
Every day you take in your mouth, Drive gently back and forth. And the mouth is burning in orgasm, The liquid is white. Is that your toothbrush?
Better means than blowjob, no pregnancy!
It's so slippery when you squeeze it, pink, like my body, so gentle in my hand! No, it's not what you thought! It's FA soap with me in the shower!
What is the difference between men's and women's pants? In the men thrust their legs, and in the women's hands!
They put me in something ... It hurts ... AAA ... It's my first time ... Come on ... Come on ... Finally they pulled out ... I'm all in the blood ... God, how painful !. Tear out a tooth!
What is it: in white lace, mooing and on the ground crawling? The answer is: a bride who has been bruised.
You will fly a bird, Be a fish - swim, Call a cancer - call !!!
Tore teddy bear paw, To girls did not paw, Because the bear is very sexually preoccupied.
Poor Dad took a double-barreled gun, Along the apartment, I thought, my daughter is a Komsomol, And she is a minx woman. (By the way, the error came out: it is written without a soft sign - prim.red)
If you drink two hundred grams, Drinking three hundred is a matter of honor!
Thank you, heart, that you know how to love. Thank you, liver, that I can still drink.
Nobody loves me, Nobody's waiting for me, Nobody will kiss And vodka will not pour. In the morning I'll have a drink of beer, I'll just have a drink, I'll add more in the afternoon. In the evening I'll get drunk.
The roof claps: "Thank you all." The plan is good. "
Caramel doubly tastier, If shmal cooked in it.
The blanket fled, The sheet flew away, And the pillow, like a frog, Ran away from me. I'm for the candle - a candle in the stove. I'm for the book - that's to run. More anasha such I will not buy.
Nothing in the world is better than to stuff a cigarette with grass! Our carpet is a blooming meadow, There grass grows - marijuana!
High in the mountains there lives a girl Gorianka! Her hemp grows in the mountains. Blows out the doorposts, plasticine skates. Well, when all the hemp is enough!
We'll buy a house by the river, We'll plant cannabis. We'll play cards there, Heroin trade, We'll smell and smoke, We'll fucking live.
The nature of you and me pushed. I was forced to love. And wherever I am, I can not forget you.
or
Bored swallows across the sky, Miss fish on the water, And I always, wherever I was, I miss you only.
Love is pain And at the same time - a reward. Treason in the wound pours salt. Reciprocity is a pure joy.
Jealousy is stupid. It is a fact! And love is another ... Who does not love, that fool! And who loves - twice!
They say that the swan There is a law: Dying favorite - Dies and he. The wings will fold and fall From the blue height. If you fall in love - So will you!
My stomach hurts, So somebody lives there. If it's not worms, So you did it.
I fell in love with the penguin Not all, but half. Half down, Bright, moving.
Cautiously - they can not understand the joke: I will not keep silent about one, I have the courage to do it, Yes, I want you, I want, But you know, less than I would like.
They dropped the teddy bear on the floor, Took off the teddy bear's paw, Bitten off his ear, Stripped the belly bitch, X ... thrust into the stomach. Die, you fucking bastard!
I'm sitting at a lecture, I have an erection! X ... m desk I lift, I understand nothing!
Once a cold, cold winter, the horse peeked to the fence. She kicked, she kicked. The horse left, but pipiska remained.
All rubbish and vanity, All rubbish and muck; Blow and fuck the heifer - That's life's joy.
You are my own, I'm no more akin! But now the other one is blowjob! But the other in ... well, does not! Which one of you is dearer? Fuck you will understand!
If you want a lot of caress, A lot of sex and love, Do something bad, So then you e .. and.
Since life is the same for us - Live boldly old man. Pukay loudly, snort aloud, Cut your hair down ... down, Drink, walk, swear, fight, Every day, like an ox, e ... sm!
I'll grab you by the feet, I'll drag you into the bushes - No ... on the way to the Queen of Beauty.
Wash your feet ... I'm already on the road!
Cold and scary little macaque: The leaves stick to the hairy fray!
And x ... sense, when you want to be like a wolf? !!
A man in a bar got drunk in a board, he can not get up - he falls down, he gets up again and falls down. Well, I decided to crawl to the house. Crawled home, quietly opened the door so that his wife did not awaken, undressed and went to bed as if nothing had happened. In the morning I did not have time to wake up as my wife began to yell: - Again the infection yesterday got drunk ... -?! - They called from the bar, they said that you forgot your wheelchair there again.
Somehow Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandmother, to take what was not needed at home, but to throw it away - it's a pity. And meet her Wolf: - Hello, Little Red Riding Hood. Where are you dragging the coffin empty?
- And let's get booze, aunts, smoking! Nahrhemsya to oduri.Tak to poke then all week !. But this, of course, on condition that we do not get to the theater ...
- Dad, and Dad - buy me a new hard drive, and then the old one is bent. "What about the magic word ?!" - Here is bl * d - and here the passwords are paged ...
There are friends. First: - Something you can not see for a long time. - Yes, I won the lottery trip. The first time! - Wow! And where? - To the stump. - ??? - For fake lottery tickets.
- Hello, what are you doing? - I work in the Academy of Sciences. - Or rather? - In the Institute of Genetics. - And more precisely? - In the group preparing materials for experiments. - Well, specifically? - Moses to catch experiments.
Delicious smell of fresh meat At the bone on the vettel. Hope was Natasha, It was better not in the village.
Once translated Prompt'om HowTo to dosemu (Linuksoidnaya software such), there was something like the following (how exactly was in English, I do not remember, therefore in my translation): "I unloaded some drivers to free up memory twice more than was required <...> "Prompt (the spelling is preserved, for you will not forget this, just the cry of the soul!):" I'm a small shoe, twice as many as enough "
The conductor comes to the station and finds out that the train was canceled. Well, if so - drank vodka with a partner. Late in the evening I got home. Met his wife - some "not that" ... Moves the door of the wardrobe-there is a half-dressed man. Asks him: - Will you have tea? - No ... - Then with you twenty-two rubles - for the bed ...
A couple is sitting on the bench. The guy "makes" her a compliment. - Listen, you are so ... so beautiful. The girl is crouching: - What is this - a well-thought-out compliment? Unexpectedly escaped the truth? The passer-by who heard this, loudly and convincingly-A good joke