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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Tennis on TV.
The phrase of the commentator: "Upon seeing the wonderful wonder-point of Maria Sharapova, the audience roared with delight, and Pope Venus Williams began to cry."

“John, I brought you ten hamburgers!”
- Beauty!
Voice announcer: you listened to the radio play "American Beauty".

- All perepilila?
- One hundred pieces.
- Another one runs somewhere!
Voice announcer: You listened to the radio play "One Hundred and One Dalmatians."

- Yesterday we played dominoes with red caviar!
- Like this?
- Sliced ​​sandwiches, spread with butter and put eggs on each in the form of dots.
- And who got what?
- I, as the head of the family, are six or six, my wife is five or five, the eldest son is four or four, the middle one is three or three, the youngest is two or two, the daughters are one or one.
And the mother-in-empty-empty!

- Yes, our boxer’s opponent is too tough, but our boxer’s opponent is in the teeth ... in the kidneys ... the bar has gone ...

One person won the lottery 50 million and went to an investment fund ...
The specialist advises:
- 10 million to invest in bonds, 10 million in blue chips, 10 million in risky stocks, 10 million in real estate, and buy rockets for 10 million - and shoot Arabs.
- Why? !! - surprised lucky.
“I don’t know exactly,” the specialist replies, “but the Jews are doing just that ...

- At home, everything is decided by dad! And who is our dad today - mom decides ...

Madrid Real buys goalkeeper Yaroslavl “Shinnik”.
On the organs.

- Kolya, toast with you!
- Yes, I do not know how to speak toasts!
- No, let's talk!
- Okay. Goats you all freaks and!
- What!?!?
- I told you that I do not know how ...

Auto show advertising:
"Unthinkable beauty machine, full of exciting curves and sensuality!
“Feel how gently your accelerator will tremble under your foot ...”
I bought it, now I don’t know what to do: either ride it or fuck it in a dark alley ...

From life.
A man comes to work from utrechka, brings a coffee pot with him and starts to solder his nose and pen to it ...
In the meantime, the whole team gathers and, of course, everyone is tormented by the question - the same happened with the coffee pot (it should be noted, this guy was very thrifty). In general, there was a volunteer who decided to ask what he heard in response to only:
- Fuck you !!!
Before lunch, no one got the peasant ... Meanwhile, he finished the repair of the object so dear to the heart and was engaged in everyday work affairs.
After lunch, in the smoking room, his colleagues still got him and he told them his story ...
He putty floor epoxy putty. Well, and from time to time applied to the bottle. When everything was finished, I decided to drink some coffee, put the coffee pot on the stove, and sat down in a corner. Drunk moonshine vdar on the brain and the man "chopped off" ... When I woke up, looks - all the water has already boiled away, and the red coffee pot stands. The man wanted to rise, but it was not there - good-quality captured German pants tightly glued to the floor.
It is impossible to reach the instrument, and since it stuck in the corner, it didn’t work out of the pants either. Only one way out - to wait (soon the wife should come home from work) ...
At the same time, the pen fell off at the coffee pot. Then the nose fell off ...
A man is sitting and thinking what will happen before - the wife will come and stop this process or the coffee pot will melt completely ...
Wife came. I turned off the gas, took out scissors, cut my pants ... A man wants to get up - but it wasn’t there - the hair on his legs also stuck ...
As a man peeled off his legs - no one heard, because the whole smoking room is already laughing louder than ever ...

There is nothing to lie down in bed if you can not make money there.
A woman should come home with bags in both hands and ring the doorbell with her nose!
Gypsies do not fight microbes. They agree with them ...
She was so fashionable and packed that even the gaskets she had from Armani.
I am ready to kill someone for the Nobel Peace Prize.
And advertising has its good points! Now everyone knows where women hide their wings.
She loved to be in public, but not all.
In fact, to lose weight, you need to eat less and sit, and more shit and run.
Better drunk woman than no ...
You should behave as if you are a cultured person!
There is such a profession, son, zayadyvat homeland ...

Two lawyers go to a cafe, order drinks and get sandwiches.
“I'm sorry,” says the bartender, “but we can't eat our food.”
Lawyers roll over, shrug and change their sandwiches ...

From the deli book of complaints:
That's what I think about your sausage: the dog would have brought her home without a bite!

- Why did you come to Sochi with your girlfriend? It's like in Tula with his samovar!
- But I drink tea every day!

- Hello! I am a distributor of regional military registration and enlistment office. We are having a corporate party. Come with friends. And take things with you.

Mom and son come from a walk, he has a big bunch of balloons in his hands ...
Dad saw and said to his wife:
- Why did you buy him so many balls? No money to spend any more, or what ?!
Son interrupted him:
- Dad, and the balls gave me for free! One for each mother's purchase!

- And my grandfather fought with the Germans!
- With the Germans? And mine is against ...

Liliput approaches Andrei Makarevich and enthusiastically says:
- Andrew! I grew up on your music!

Times are changing ...
Previously, the corner came to cast, and now to talk via mobile phone.

- I went to Hawaii this summer, I met such a girl there: she was barking all over, screaming, waving her arms ... and drowned!

New slogans for the leading gear "Weak Link":
- Who for 25 years gave a puzzle of 4 pieces?
- Who made the birdhouse from the guitar and forgot to remove the strings?
- Who does repeated fluorography because he blinked?
- Who is dancing sober Serdyuchka?

- Guys, let's go with Masha to play cards!
- Strip?
- Have you seen Masha? With her only for money!

- Imagine, my girl has 46 size shoes.
- She what, you and there puts cotton?

- Mother-in-law the other day accidentally looked at the exhibition of snakes.
- So what?
- Got a Grand Prix!

- Well, beautiful - go ride !!
- Man, good to play the fool - we pay the fare!

Conducting excavations on the Sochi beach, archaeologists discovered the tools of the 10th century ...
Imagine - in the 10th century, the Sochi residents buried their instruments of labor in the ground in order not to work!

A man pulls a goldfish out of the sea. She looks at him carefully.
- Jew?
- Yes, yes ...
- Better fry!

A man comes into a cooperative store to buy a gift for his wife.
- How much are these shoes? - he asks the seller.
- 2000 rubles. A man whistles in amazement:
“Are these shoes white?”
- Two whistling.

- Vladimir Ilyich! Tell me, who is better to have - a wife or mistress?
- And my wife and mistress, my dear. To tell his wife that he went to his mistress, to his mistress to tell him - what about his wife, and he himself, to chego, and gabotat, gabotat, gabotat!

A young woman is driving a car on the highway with great speed.
Seated next to her friend says
- You can not go so fast? Everything flashes before my eyes!
- And you do the same as me.
- How?
- Close your eyes.

- Tell me, what, the border is still closed?
Border Guard:
- Locked! And then he himself would have gone long ago ...

The battlefield, devastation, smoking craters, corpses, corpses, corpses ...
The last surviving soldier walks among this nightmare.
Passes by one of the funnels - there is a shapeless pile of meat - where are the hands, where are the legs ... And suddenly from her voice:
- Bra-aaa-at ... help-and ... shoot me ...
The soldier took pity. I hooked the horn and threw it all into the pile.
He crossed himself and said:
- Let you land in peace.
And he went on. Suddenly behind:
- Thank you ... bra-a-at ...

Lieutenant - Daily:
- If they ask me, I am at the commander of the unit.
- And if the unit commander asks?

There is a grandfather on the street ... I wondered, how can I fart!
- Oh, old age is not a joy! And then he looked around, and there was no one around ...
- And by the way, when I was young, I was just as angry!

Traveler wants to buy his wife as a gift a bra.
The seller wants to know the size: - Well, at least in form, what is it: a peach, an apple, a small melon?
- Spaniel Ears ...

- And this is my last realistic picture. It is called "Plasterer at Work."
“But I see them sitting and smoking.”
- I said that this is a realistic picture.

Just one bad bit - and gigabytes are in insanity.

The more you spin, the greater the tax on turnover.

Bad girls need to slap on the pope ... belly!
Conscience is a quiet voice, reminding you that they can spy on you!
Every man in the shower gynecologist!
A man is created for a woman, so that her life does not seem honey.
If the inhabitants of Bermuda are Bermudaks, then the inhabitants of Chernigov are Chernigov.
Dreamers are people from whom you can take away everything except tomorrow.
The persecution mania is not a disease - it is a dream of those who are not needed by anyone.
Ukraine needs the West without Russia, just because it needs Russia without Ukraine.
If you remove 32 teeth from us, then we will pull out the 33rd for free.
Well, when joy does not come alone, but with a bottle!
What a sober girl has in her mind is a drunken mouth.

- You are brothers?
- No, we are twins.
- And what - the twins are not brothers ?!
- Not always - we, for example, are sisters!

From life.
Peter. Sadovaya street. All sorts of shops, cafes, shops. Including, sex shop. The window next to it belongs to another shop, but because of the immediate neighborhood looks like a single entity. Advertising inscriptions form a marvelous combination: "Intimate shop. Sharpening tools."

- Something today after work you look very tired. Probably too difficult crossword caught ...

Ilya Muromets spent thirty years and three years on the stove. And then they came to him from the VTEK, re-witnessed and deprived the first group of disability.
I had to go to work.

Putin at a meeting in Kiev asks Yushchenko:
- How did the new Ukrainian government show itself?
- Great guys. They don’t take bribes, they don’t get drunk in a bathhouse, they don’t kill innocent animals, they go to the rink - cultural activities go in for sports - the whole cabinet goes to the theater.
- ABOUT! Great! Are there any disadvantages?
- Only one: do not know how the hell!

There are three kinds of love songs:
1) sad;
2) funny;
3) songs of the group "Leningrad".

- And my mother, when I got married, slaughtered a pig.
- At the wedding?
- Not! Freaked out.

Woman friend choosing a gift:
- Why does a married man need such a big wallet?

- Ivanov, you are a fool!
- But the captain ...
- That's an order!

- So, guys - our secretary Mashka Selezneva has an addition to the family! All we rent 100 rubles. and DNA analysis ...

- And yet it is a pity that young people no longer remember who Dostoevsky, Herzen, Belinsky are! ..
- And Griboedov !!! You see how many griboedov among today's youth!

- The reader complains that there is too much advertising in the magazine.
- Let him say thank you that we do not have pop-ups.

I drive up somehow to my intersection in my car ... and suddenly I feel it - the brakes have failed ... Mercedes and the IL are ahead ...
And then I realized that IL - It's For Me!

Merchant, going to sail:
- What do you bring my youngest daughter ?!
- Bring me, father, terrible monster, for sexual pleasures and perversions !!!
- What are you, daughter, I am a father to you - I can not allow it !!!
- (sighing) Well ... let's go on a long journey ... Bring me, little darling flower, father ...

...The next morning.
- So, gentlemen, confess: who believes that my wife - the ideal? So!
Well, I put the question differently: who wrote her a marker on the back:

Ivanov saw the rat and squealed - the habit worked out for many years before the change of sex worked.

The door swings open and a guy rushes into the room:
- Great, Dad!
The father is sitting at the computer, without turning his head asks:
- Where did you hang out?
- In the army, Dad ...

- Ivan Semyonovich has clearly increased pressure ...
- Why did you decide so - you are not a doctor?
“And mosquitoes explode on it!”

- Doctor, tell me - I would have something from the army ...
“Well, from the army we usually recommend Baptism, Adventism to take, epileptic seizures would be good to do, learn two or three fables of eight hundred, well, get something simple for yourself, although this is already ineffective ... Here, all this do - and come, we'll see you ... Yes, and I also know an excellent dining room, where you can buy an ulcer cheaply. We will write you coupons there ...

The athletics federation has banned female athletes in jumping disciplines to use pads with wings.

A poster in an ordinary Russian school: "Do you want new sensations?
Say NO to drugs! "

- Sergey Sergeevich, you would think a little about yourself. You already have fifty dollars, and neither wife nor children. It's a shame! A good man, and all the best years - a cat under the tail.
- Yes, you do not worry about me.
“And we don’t worry about you.” We feel sorry for the cat.

- You heard, Putin can resign at any time!
- What are you, a fool ?!
- See for yourself ... Here is the Constitution: Article 37. "The President can resign at any time"!

- And I was sitting with that girl at the same desk, then we got married, gave birth to children ...
- And then?
- Then?! Seated us ...

- GAI officers all went nuts! Yesterday was fined $ 500!
- For what?!
“He says the pillowcase is dirty on the airbag ...”

Yesterday another translator Viktor Stepanovich Chernomirdin hanged himself in Kiev ...

Two go in a taxi:
- Honey, does it smell so good from you, or does this goat in the car smell so bad?

- Athletes in synchronized swimming set a new record. They lived happily ever after and died on the same day.

An absolutely drunk man comes to the store, falls on the counter, pulls two condoms out of his pocket, puts it in front of a crazed clerk and asks:
- I took it from you?
- Maybe.
Man, thinking hard:
- What for?

- Knock Knock! Discover the police!
- And why the hell did you close there?

Fighter pilot retires ...
Wife buries:
- You promised twenty years to ride a fighter ... You promised ... !!!
The man got sick, he comes to the commander of the squadron and says:
- Commander, this is such a garbage ... She took it out at all ... She rolled it ... Komask responds - they say, a fighting girlfriend, she gave birth to children, cutlets there, everything - here, they say, you need kerosene for two hours and a corridor. .. ride!
Loaded onto a plane - and for two hours the pilot gets up ALL aerobatics; approaching, asks to adjust to the ambulance band ...
Unloading his wife from the cabin - that all zablevannaya - well, in general, as a sack with shit ...
Pilot husband bends over her and gently says:
- Well, what - have sex or go to the theater?

Youth is a great time when there is no profession, no rights, no money.
Only sexual orientation.
Burned in milk - blow vodka!
If you are thrown - spread your wings!
If you decide to bring joy to people, to begin with, call your grandmother a girl.
If you missed your chance, never think that he is the last, there will be other chances that you will miss.
In vain we worry, everything will remain the same: in Belarus - Luke, in the USA - Mudishchev.
The enemy is the one to whom you gave dinner, and he also pinned breakfast.
Ostriches do not like cats because they bury their shit in the sand.
The sooner you stop smoking, the longer you will regret it later.
Condoms "Kozatski" - they have not only antennae, but also forelock!

- And we have already met!
- That's what I look - the body is familiar ...

- What does your dog eat?
- Yes, yesterday, I bit the man’s knee over that man ...
- What for? After all, now there is a new "Chappy" with the taste of the knees over that guy!

Shooting results:
Ivanov-milk ...
Petrov-milk ...
Sidorov-Petrov ...

A problem that a good programmer will solve in a minute, and a good physicist will go crazy: Asya weighs 4.2 meters.
For how long does it download, if the channel width is 5 kilos per second?

From life.
Yesterday we have a friend, work thin. editor in pornozhurnale. And complains.
- When the authorities enter the office to a normal person - he quickly switches, for example, from porn to Yandex ... When the beginning of the meeting comes to me - I have to switch from Yandex to porn !!!

- How old are you?
“Don't you know that it’s indecent to ask a girl age?”
- Oh, so you are a girl? !!

The little boy comes home all scratched, face scratched, hands scratched, breast also scratched.
- Son, what happened?
- Yes, you know, Dad, we had a matinee in the kindergarten, and we were dancing in a circle ...
It is not enough children, and the tree is big.

- Good evening! Today I would like to interview Timothy from “Factory Star ZdA” ... Timothy, being the headliner of the total label of the post-Soviet funk culture, do you feel the civilian component of the positioned pop idol as a certain dominant status of the spectator who is knowingly prolonged by the television broadcast of the viewer and imposed on him tight rotation of the establishment? And while Timothy thinks, let's move on to the soloist of the "Leningrad" group.
Mr. Sergey Shnurov ...

A charity evening took place in Moscow.
All funds raised on it will be spent on the morning restoration of the evening students ...

From life.
In Israel, a group of repatriates is being interviewed ...
One of the questions is: what manifestations of anti-Semitism did you experience in the USSR? The elderly pilot, the colonel answers:
- In June 1967, our squadron in Egypt received a mission - to prepare to bomb Tel Aviv ... So they removed me from flying !!!

A new breed of ostriches has been developed ...
At the moment of fright, they not only put their heads under the ground, but also calmly feed on moles there.

Voice from the bathroom:
- Dear, take off your glasses, I'll wash off the makeup now ...

Tale. Every year the princess more and more tormented headaches. The princess grew, but the crown did not.

- Man - do not tell me how to get to the hospital?
- Must be fucked, girl, be sure - it does not work out differently ...

- Sir, I have a bed bed - go to oppress!

- I am an ordinary Ukrainian banker. I keep my money in UAH. No one would ever think to look for them there.

From the headlines of the yellow press: - In the center of Moscow, the cow ate the traffic police booth! - One of the cats Kuklacheva got pregnant from the owner! - Malakhov slept with Babkina for a glass of flour! - Color blind do not distinguish between cold and hot water. - Decl closed in the church and waiting for the parish! - Scooter killed four! - Who is behind Yermolaev? Who is Ermolaev? - After sex legs are shortened! - Mikhail Fradkov - Nikolay! - Diapers, cannibals! - The glue goes around the streets of St. Petersburg and sniffs people. - Brothers Grimm invented everything! - George Bush is adequate - After the passport, Ukupnik ate all the archives of the NKVD - Prince of Monaco - Prince of Moldova - This season it is fashionable to cough! - Elections in the forest: the lion is a slave of beasts. - Spoiled at the customs looking for specially trained flies! - Marilyn Manson is a couplet populist!
Life is a game of golf: hole by hole ...
Love begins with an ideal, and ends with a blanket!
Body to body is a sweet affair.
You must observe the traditions of traditions, Let them refuse you more than once. Of course, the lady may not give, But you always have to offer her.
Every day you take in your mouth, Drive gently back and forth. And the mouth burns in orgasm, The white liquid flows. True, a great find. Is that your toothbrush?
Better money than a blowjob, there is no pregnancy!
It is so slippery when you squeeze it, pink as my body, so tender in my hand! No, that's not what you thought! This FA soap is with me in the shower!
What is the difference between men's and women's pants? In the men's thrust legs, and in the women's - hands!
Something stuck in me ... It hurts me ... AAA ... This is my first time ... Come on ... Finally, they pulled out ... I'm covered in blood ... God, it hurts !. .Try out a tooth!
What is it: in white laces, moos and crawls on the ground? Answer: nazhivsya bride.
You will be a bird - fly, You will be a fish - swim, You will be cancer - call !!!
Torn off the bear's paw, To the girls did not lap, Because the bear is very sexually concerned.
Poor dad took a shotgun, Torn around the apartment, I thought my daughter was a Komsomol member, And she was a minetchitsa. (By the way, the error came out: it is written without a soft sign - editor's note)
If you drink two hundred grams, drink three hundred is a matter of honor!
Thank you heart that you can love so much. Thank you, liver, that I can still drink.
Nobody loves me, Nobody waits for me, Nobody will kiss And will not pour vodka. In the morning I will drink beer, I will simply hang over, In the afternoon I will add more, In the evening I will get drunk.
The roof claps its hands: "Thank you all. The plan is good."
Caramel is doubly delicious, If Schmal was boiled in it.
The blanket ran away, the sheet flew away, And the pillow, like a frog, Ran away from me. I am for a candle - a candle in the stove. I am for the book - that run. I’m not buying any more.
There is nothing better in the world than to fill a cigarette with grass! Our carpet is a flowering meadow, There grows grass - marijuana!
High in the mountains lives girl Goryanka! She grows a hemp glade in the mountains. He blows shoals, clay rolls. Well, when all hemp enough!
Let's buy a house by the river, Let's plant cannabis there. We will play cards there, Heroin trading, We will sniff and smoke, Fucking live.
Nature pushed us with you. I was forced to love. And wherever I am, I cannot forget you.
Swallows miss the sky, Fish miss the water, And I always, wherever I used to be, Miss you only.
Love is pain And at the same time - a reward. Treason in the wound pour salt. Reciprocity is a real delight.
Jealousy is stupid. It is a fact! And love is another ... Who does not love, that fool! And who loves - twice!
It is said that the swan There is a law: the beloved dies - he dies. The wings will fold and fall From a blue height. If you love very much - so will you!
My stomach hurts, So someone lives there. If it's not worms, then you did it.
I fell in love with a penguin Not only half, but half. Half lower, Bright, mobile.
Carefully - they may not understand the joke: I will not keep silent about one thing, I have enough courage for it, Yes, I want you, I want you, But you know, less than I would like.
Dropped the bear on the floor, Torn off the bear's paw, bit off his ear, Raspolit bitch belly, X ... stuck in the stomach. Die, plush bastard!
I'm sitting in a lecture, I have an erection! H ... m raise the desk, I do not understand!
Once cold icy winter, horse pipisky frozen to the fence. She kicked, she kicked. The horse is gone, but the pipisk remains.
All the trash and fuss, All rubbish and muck; Smoking and fucking chick - Here is life joy.
You are my dear, I do not have a dearest one! But now the other is giving me a blowjob! But the other in the w ... does not give! Who of you is dearer? Fuck you will disassemble!
If you want a lot of caress, A lot of sex and love, Do something bad, So that you can e..i.
Since we have one life - Live boldly old. Pull loudly, burp out loud, Trim on x ... fluff, Drink, walk, poke, fight, Every day, like a bull, e ... sit down!
I'll grab your legs, Drag you into the bushes - Not ... on the road, the Beauty Queen.
Soak p ... and legs, I'm on the road!
Cold and scary little macaque: Leaves stick to hairy ass!
And h ... sense, when e ... like like a wolf? !!
The man at the bar got drunk on the board, he can't get up — he falls, he gets up again, falls. Well, I decided to crawl to get home. He crawled home, quietly opened the door, so as not to wake his wife, undressed and went to bed as if nothing had happened. In the morning I didn’t have time to wake up as my wife began to shout: “Once again the infection got drunk yesterday ... -?! - They called from the bar, said that you forgot your wheelchair there again.
Somehow Red Riding Hood went to her grandmother, it’s a pity to attribute what was not needed at home, but to throw it away. And to meet her Wolf: - Hello, Little Red Riding Hood. Where are you the empty coffin dragging?
- And let's type booze, aunts, smoke! We’re getting drunk and stupid. So that we’ll have it all week !. But this, of course, provided that we don’t get tickets to the theater ...
- Dad, and dad - buy me a new hard drive, and the old one is bent. - A magic word? - Here is bl * d - and then the passwords have been created ...
There are friends. First: - Something you have not seen for a long time. - Yes, I won the lottery trip. The first time! - wow! And where? - On the Kolyma. - ??? - For fake lottery tickets.
- Hi, what are you doing? - I work at the Academy of Sciences. - Or rather? - At the Institute of Genetics. - And more precisely? - In the group of preparation of materials for experiments. - Well, and specifically? - Cats for catching experiences.
Smells good fresh meat At the fire on the fan. It was good Natasha, It was not better in the village.
Once I translated Prompt'om HowTo to dosemu (Linux-like softina such), there was approximately the following (as it was exactly English, I don’t remember, therefore in my translation): "I unloaded some drivers to free up memory twice more than required <...> "Prompt (spelling is preserved, because you will not forget this. Just crying the soul!):" I am a small shoe, twice as large as enough "
The conductor arrives at the station and there he learns that the train has been canceled. Well, if so - they drank with a partner of vodka. Late in the evening I got to the house. He is met by his wife - some kind of “not that kind” ... Pushing the closet door away - there is a half-dressed man. He asks him: - Will you have tea? - No ... - Then, with you, twenty-two rubles - for the bed ...
Sits a couple on the bench. The guy "makes" her a compliment. - Listen, you are so ... so beautiful. The girl is mincing: - What is it - a premeditated compliment? By chance the truth escaped? The passerby, who heard it, loudly and convincingly-A good joke