My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


Tennis on TV.
The phrase commentator: "On seeing a great miracle-point Maria Sharapova, the audience roared with delight, and my dad Venus Williams wept."

- John, I brought you ten hamburgers!
- Beauty!
Voiceover: You listened to the radio play "American Beauty."

- All melt down?
- One hundred pieces.
- One more run somewhere!
Voiceover: You listened to the radio play "One Hundred and One Dalmatians."

- And yesterday we caviar played dominoes!
- Like this?
- Slice the sandwiches, buttered and each stuck eggs in the form of points.
- And who got it?
- To me, as head of the family - the six-six, the wife - five-five, the eldest son - four-four, the average - three-three, the youngest - two-two daughters - one-one.
And the mother-in - empty-empty!

- Yes, our opponent boxer is not too tough, but our opponent boxer in the teeth ... ... kidneys went to move the bar ...

One person won the lottery 50 million and went to an investment fund ...
Experts advise:
- 10 million invested in the bonds, 10 million in the "blue chips", 10 million in risky shares, 10 million in real estate, and 10 million buy missiles - and fired at Arabs.
- Why? !! - Surprised lucky.
- I'm not sure - is responsible specialist - but the Jews are doing it ...

- At home it is all about Dad! And who among us today, Dad - Mom decides to ...

News!
Real Madrid goalkeeper buys Yaroslavl "Shinnik".
On organs.

- Kolyan, with your toast!
- Yes, I am not able to say toasts!
- No, let's talk!
- Okay. Goats and you freaks!
- What!?!?
- I told you that I can not ...

Advertising in the showroom:
"Inconceivable beauty machine, full of exciting twists and sensuality!
Feel the gentle tremble under your foot its accelerator ... ".
I bought, now do not know what to do: whether to go on it, or fuck in a dark alley ...

From life.
Comes with utrechka guy to work with them brings the coffee and begins to sweat him spout and handle ...
Meanwhile, it is going to the whole team and, of course all the tormented question - hours the same happened with the coffee pot (it should be noted that the man was very thrifty). In general, I found a volunteer who dared to ask what the answer was only:
- Come on dick !!!
Before dinner, the guy did not get one ... It is meanwhile finished the repairs so dear to the heart of the subject and do everyday working chores.
After lunch, in the smoking room, it still got colleagues and he told them his story ...
He plastered floor epoxy putty. Well, from time to time it was applied to the bottle. When everything is finished, I decided to have a drink some coffee, put the coffee pot on the stove and sat down in a corner. Drunk moonshine vdaril on the brain and the man "passed out" ... When I woke up, look - all the water has boiled away, and the coffee pot is red. I wanted a man to get up, but it was not there - neat captured German pants firmly glued to the floor.
Before the tool does not reach, and so on. To. Stuck it in the corner, get out of his pants, too, did not work. Only one way out - wait (soon to be wife to come home from work) ...
In the meantime, coffeepot handle fell off. Then he fell off the tip ...
Sitting man and thinks that the same will happen before - his wife will come and stop this process or coffee will melt completely ...
Wife came. Gas shut off, he took a pair of scissors, cut the pants ... A guy wants to get - but it was not there - the hair on the feet is also stuck ...
As a man unstuck feet - nobody heard because smoking room has all laughed louder than ever ...

Needless zalёzhivatsya in bed if you can not make money there.
A woman should come home with shopping bags in both hands and nose ring the doorbell!
Gypsies do not struggle with the microbes. They agree with them ...
She was so fashionable and packed that even she had laying Armani.
I'm ready to kill someone for the Nobel Peace Prize.
And advertising has its good side! Now everyone knows where women hide their wings.
She loved to go to the people, but not all.
In fact, to lose weight, you must eat less and sit and more to shit and run.
The best woman drunk than any ...
Behave should be as if you are a man of culture!
There is such a profession, son, homeland zayabyvat ...

Two lawyers go to the cafe, order drinks and take out sandwiches.
- Sorry - bartender says - but we can not eat your food.
Lawyers pereklyadyvayutsya, shrug and change their sandwiches ...

From the book of complaints deli:
That's what I think of your sausage: dog had reported to her home, do not bite!

- Why did you come to Sochi with his girlfriend? It's like to Tula with his samovar!
- But every day I drink the tea!

- Hello! I - oblvoenkomata distributor. We arrange a corporate party. Come with your friends. And things with a grab.

Mother and son come to walk, he was holding a large bunch of balloons ...
Dad saw it and said to his wife:
- Why are you so much balls he has bought? Money is not what to spend more than what you ?!
Son interrupted him:
- Dad, I was given free balls! One for every mother's shopping!

- And my grandfather fought with the Germans!
- With the Germans? And my - against ...

Liliput comes to Andrey Makarevich and vostorzhёnno says:
- Andrei! I grew up on your music!

Times change ...
Previously, the corner went to take a leak, and now to talk over a mobile phone.

- This summer I went to Hawaii, where this girl met: it is all vesё barking, shouting, waving his arms ... and drowned!

New slogans for leading the program "The Weakest Link":
- Who for 25 years presented with a puzzle of 4 pieces?
- Who made the birdhouse out of a guitar and forgot to remove the strings?
- Who makes repeated chest X-rays, because the blink?
- Who Serduchka dancing sober?

- Guys, let's go with Masha to play cards!
- Strip?
- Masha You see? With it only for the money!

- Imagine my girl shoes 46-gauge.
- It is that you have to get wool and puts?

- Tёscha recently accidentally looked at the exhibition of snakes.
- So what?
- Won the Grand Prix!

- Well, nice - we went to ride !!
- The man is good to play the fool - to pay for travel!

Through excavations on beach in Sochi, archaeologists have discovered the labor of the tenth century guns ...
Can you imagine - in the tenth century sochintsy tools buried in the ground to not work!

The man pulls out of Sea goldfish. She looks at him closely.
He asks:
- Jew?
- Did so ...
- It is better to fry!
A man walks into a cooperative store to buy his wife a gift.
- How much are these shoes? - He asks the seller.
- 2000 rubles. The man whistles in amazement:
- But these shoes, white?
- Two prisvistyvaniya.
- Vladimir Ilyich! Tell me, who is better to have - a wife or a mistress?
- And his wife and mistress, my friend. Wife govogish that went to his mistress, mistress govogish - that his wife and himself on chegdak - and gabotat, gabotat, gabotat!
Young woman is on the highway the car at high speed.
Seated next to her friend says,
- You can not go so fast? I have all flashed before my eyes!
- And you do the same as I do.
- How?
- Close eyes.
Abusive:
- Tell me, what the boundary is still in the castle?
Border guard:
- Locked! And then he would have long gone ...
The battlefield, devastation, steaming crater, corpses, corpses, corpses ...
The last surviving soldier walks among this nightmare.
Passing by one of the craters - there is a formless pile of meat - where the hands, where the legs ... And suddenly out of her voice:
- Bra-aa-at-help ... ... and shoot me ...
He clenched his soldiers. Trailer horn, and all plunged into a pile.
He crossed himself and said:
- Let it be your land down.
And he went on. Suddenly, from behind:
- Thank you ... bra-and-at ...
Lieutenant - Orderly:
- If I am asked, I am the commander of the.
- And if you ask the unit commander?
There is a grandfather on the street ... think about it, but how perdnet!
- Oh, Getting On! And then I looked around, but no one around ...
- And yet I was young in the same razebaem was!
Travelers wants to buy his wife a present bra.
The seller wants to know the size of: - Well, at least in the form that it: peach, apple, small melons?
- Ears spaniel ...
- And this is my last realistic picture. It's called "Plasterers at work."
- But I can see that they sit and smoke.
- I told you, it's a realistic picture.


Just one bad bit - and gigabytes are in marasmus.

The more steep, the greater the sales tax.

Bad girls need to slap on the pope ... belly!
Conscience - a quiet voice, reminiscent of that for you can spy!
Every male gynecologist in the shower!
The man created for the woman, so that she did not seem life honey.
If the residents of Bermuda - bermudaki, the residents of Chernihiv - chernigovnyuki.
Dreamers - people who can take everything except tomorrow.
Persecution is not a disease - it is the dream of those who are no use to anyone.
Ukraine needs the West without Russia, because it needs a Russia without Ukraine.
If you remove our 32 teeth, then 33 minutes we pull out for free.
Well, when the joy did not come alone, but with a bottle!
What sober girl's mind - then a drunken mouth.

- You are brothers?
- No, we're twins.
- And that - the twin brothers are not ?!
- Not always - we, for example, sisters!

From life.
Peter. Sadovaya Street. All kinds of shops, cafes, shops. Including sex shop. The window next to it belongs to the other little shops, but because of the immediate neighborhood looks like a single unit. Advertising inscriptions form a marvelous combination of "Sex shop Grinding tool.".

- Something today after work, you look very tired. Probably too difficult crossword caught ...

Thirty years and three years spent Ilya Muromets on the stove. Then came to him from the expert commission to re-examine and deprived of the first group of disability.
I had to go to work.

Putin at a meeting in Kiev, Yushchenko asks:
- How to show themselves a new Ukrainian government?
- Great guys. Do not take bribes, do not get drunk in the bath, on the hunt innocent animals do not kill, go to the rink - sports are engaged and cultural - all Cabinet go to the theater.
- ABOUT! Great! And the disadvantages are?
- Only one: I do not know how damn!

Songs about love are of three types:
1) sad;
2) Funny;
3) songs of group "Leningrad".

- My mother, when I got married, pig stabbed.
- At the wedding?
- No! Psihanula.

A woman friend, choose a gift:
- And why should a married man so big wallet?

- Ivan, you - fool!
- But the captain ...
- That's an order!

- So, guys - at our secretary Masha Selezneva addition to the family! All are renting for 100 rubles. and analysis of DNA ...

- And yet a pity that young people do not remember who the Dostoevsky, Herzen, Belinsky ..!
- A Griboyedov !!! You see how many Griboyedov among the youth of today !!!

- A reader complains that the magazine is too much advertising.
- Let say thank you, we do not have pop-ups.

I approach, I somehow in his car to the intersection ... and suddenly chustvuju - brakes failed ... Ahead are Mercedes and IL ...
And then I realized that IL - this is for me!

The merchant, going to swimming:
- What do you bring youngest daughter ?!
- Bring me, sir, terrible monster, for sexual pleasures and perversions !!!
- What do you mean, my daughter, I'm a father to you - I can not afford !!!
- (Sighs) Well ... go a long way ... Bring me, sir, scarlet flower ...

...The next morning.
- So, gentlemen, I confess: who says that my wife - the ideal? So!
Well, I put the question differently: who wrote her marker on the back:
"Sample"?

Ivanov saw a rat and screamed - worked habit, worked out over the years to change sex.

The door swings open and the guy runs into the room:
- Wow, Dad!
Father sitting at the computer, without turning his head asks,
- Where are you hanging out?
- In the army, dad ...

- Ivan Semenovich clearly increased pressure ...
- Why did you decided to - you're not a doctor?
- And it explode mosquitoes!

- Doctor, tell me - I would have anything from the army ...
- Well, the army, we usually recommend Baptism, Adventism poprinimat, epileptic pripadochki good to do, learn two or three words of the fable by eight, well, flat plain some get yourself, although this is already inefficient ... Here, everything is You will go through - and come, we will see ... Oh, and I know a beautiful dining room, where you can buy a cheap ulcer. We write out the coupons you there ...

Federation of athletics has banned athletes in jumping disciplines apply pads with wings.

Poster in the ordinary Russian school: "Do you want new experiences?
Say NO to drugs! ".

- Sergey, you would have thought a little about yourself. You have fifty dollars, and no wife, no children. It's a shame! A good man, and all the best years - down the drain.
- Yes you do not worry about me.
- And for you, and we are not worried. We are sorry for the cat.

- You have heard that Putin may at any time resign!
- What are you, stupid ?!
- See for yourself ... Here Constitution: Article 37: "The President may at any time resign!"

- I'm out with the girl sitting at the same desk, and then we got married, give birth to children ...
- And then?
- Later?! Seedlings us ...

- GAI general ofigeli! Yesterday fined $ 500!
- For what?!
- Says a dirty pillowcase on the airbag ...

Yesterday in Kiev hung another translator Victor Stepanovich ernomyrdina Ch ...

They come in two taxis:
- Honey, it's on you smells so good, and the goat in the car so it stinks?

- Athletes in synchronized swimming set a new record. They lived happily ever after and died in one day.

Comes completely buhoy man in the store, falls on the counter, pulls from his pocket two condoms, puts in front of woozy clerk and asks:
- I take it you do?
saleswoman:
- Maybe.
The man, thinking intensely:
- What for?

- Knock Knock! Open up, police!
- And there you Nahuas closed?

Fighter pilot retires on a pension ...
Wife moan:
- You're twenty years promised a ride in a fighter plane ... You promised ... !!!
Guy got, he comes to the squadron commander and grit:
- Commander, so that's garbage ... She took very ... ... swept her squadron commander Answer flushes - supposedly fighting girlfriend, give birth to children, burgers there, all things - that is, they say, you, kerosene for two hours and a corridor. Cathay ..!
Cargo on a plane - and two hours a pilot gets up ALL aerobatics; approach, asking the band to adjust to "fast" ...
Unloads the wife of the cab - that all zablёvannaya - well, like a sack of shit ...
Pilot-husband leaning over her and gently says so:
- Well - have sex or go to the theater ?!

Youth - the perfect time when there is no profession, no rights, no money.
Only sexual orientation.
Obzhёgsya milk - dui vodka!
If you cheated - Spread Your Wings!
If you decide to bring people joy, to start hail grandmother girl.
If you missed your chance, never think that he is the last to be more and more chances that you will miss.
We should not worry, everything will remain as before: in Belarus - Luke, in the US - Mudischev.
Enemy - is the one who gave you dinner and breakfast, and he was still pinned.
Ostriches do not like cats because they bury their shit in the sand.
The sooner you quit, the longer you then regret it.
Condoms "Kozatski" - they not only mustache and forelock!

- And we have already met!
- That's what I'm looking - body familiar ...

- And what your dog eats?
- Yes, last bit of the knee that guy over there ...
- What for? Because now there is a new "Chappy" tasteful knees out of the man!

The results of shooting:
Ivanov-milk ...
Petrov-milk ...
Petrov-Sidorov ...

The task, which is a good programmer will decide in a minute and a good physicist go mad: Asya weighs 4.2 meters.
For how long it will be downloaded, if the channel width - 5 pounds per second?

From life.
Sitting in our last one, running thin. editor in dirty magazines. And he complains.
- When a normal person in the office part of the authorities - it switches quickly, such as porn on Yandex ... When it comes to me early alstvo - should I switch from Yandex porn !!!

- How old are you?
- Do not you know that the girls ask the age of indecent?
- Oh, so you're a girl? !!

A little boy comes home all scratched, scratched face, ru chki scratched, breast too scratched.
Dad:
- Son, what happened?
- Yes, you know Dad, we have in the garden was a matinee, and we drove round dance ...
Little children, and a large tree.

Posner:
- Good evening! Today I would like to interview Timothy of "Factory zve rear" ... Timothy, being the headliner of the total label of post-Soviet funk culture, do you feel the civil component positioned pop idol status as a kind of dominant deliberately prolonged television broadcast viewer and imposed on him the same rigid rotation of the establishment? In the meantime, Timothy thought, move on to the lead singer of "Leningrad"
Mr. Sergey Corded ...

In Moscow, a charity evening.
All funds collected on it will go to the restoration of the morning uch astnikov evening ...

From life.
In Israel, a group of returnees is interviewed ...
One of the questions is: What you experienced anti-Semitism in the Soviet Union. Responsible old pilot, Colonel:
- In June 1967, our squadron in Egypt was given the task - to prepare to bomb Tel Aviv ... So they got me suspended from fly !!!

A new breed ostriches ...
At the moment of fright, they not only put their head under the ground - but there calmly eating moles.

A voice from the bathroom:
- Honey, take off your glasses, I'll cleanse make-up ...

Fairy Tale. Every year, a princess more and more tormented by headaches. The princess grew up, and there is no crown.

- Man - do not tell me how to get to the hospital?
- Make sure you have to fuck girl, necessarily - otherwise not get GSI ...

- Master, I make the bed - go to oppress!

- I - an ordinary Ukrainian banker. His money I keep in UAH. No one will come to look for them there in the head.
From the yellow press headlines: - In the center of Moscow traffic police booth cow ate! - One of the cats Kuklacheva pregnant by the owner! - Malakhov slept with Babkina per cup of flour! - Color-blind do not distinguish between hot and cold water. - Decl closed the church and waiting for the arrival! - Scooter killed four! - Who is behind Ermolaev? Who is Ermolaev? - After sex shortened legs! - Mikhail Fradkov - Nikolai! - Diapers, cannibals! - In the streets of Peter walks glue sniffing people. - The Brothers Grimm came up with it! - George W. Bush is adequate - After passport Ukupnik ate all the archives of the NKVD - the Prince of Monaco - Prince of Moldavia - This season is fashionable to cough! - Elections in the forest: a lion - the servant beasts. - Rotten meat customs looking specifically trained flies! - Marilyn Manson - kupletistov populist!
Life - is a game of golf: hole for the hole ...
or
Love begins an ideal and ends with a blanket!
or
The body of the body - a sweet deal.
Abutment traditions must be respected, not just Let's refusal to answer you. Of course, the lady can not give, but to offer you it is always obliged.
Every day you take in your mouth, you drive gently back and forth. And orgasm burns in the mouth, white liquid flows. However, finding a cool That is your toothbrush?
Better means than a blowjob, pregnancy is not!
It is so slippery when it is compressed, pink, like my body, so tender in my hand! No, it's not what you think! This soap FA with me in my heart!
What is the difference between men's and women's trousers? The men put their feet, and in women - hands!
I have something stuck ... It hurts ... AAA ... I do it for the first time ... Come on ... come on ... I finally pulled out covered in blood ... God, how painful !. . To pull out a tooth!
What is it: in white lace, moos and crawling on the ground? Answer: drunk bride.
Will bird - fly away, Will fish - swim, Will cancer - call !!!
Tear off a bear paw to paw the girls do not, because bear very oversexed.
Poor Dad took a double-barreled shotgun, rushing around the apartment, I thought, my daughter - the Komsomol, and she - minetchitsa. (By the way, Oshibochka out: written without the soft sign - Ed)
If you drink a hundred grams, drink three hundred - a matter of honor!
Thank you for the heart, so that you know how to love. Thanks, liver, I can still drink.
Nobody loves me, I will not wait, no one will kiss and do not pour the vodka. In the morning drink a beer, just a hangover, Day still add nazhrus evening.
Roof claps his hands: "Thank you all a good plan.".
Caramel doubly tasty, if Schmal cooked in it.
Escape blanket, flew sheet, and a pillow, like a frog, get away from me. I'm for a candle - the candle on the stove. I'm for the book - that run. More marijuana so I will not buy.
Nothing on earth can be better, Than to fill with grass cigarette! Our carpet - flowering fields, there grows grass - marijuana!
High in the mountains lives a girl Mountain Girl! She grows in the mountains of cannabis clearing. Blows shoals, plasticine rolls. Well, when all hemp enough !!!
Buy a house by the river, there will plant hemp. Let's play cards there, heroin trade, we smell and smoke, awesome will live.
Nature pushed us with you. I was made to love. And no matter where I was, I can not forget you.
or
Miss swallows in the sky, I miss the fish in the water, I always, wherever used was, Miss only you.
Love is the pain and at the same time - reward. Treason in the wound pours salt. Reciprocity - is sheer delight.
Jealousy - stupid. It is a fact! And love - more ... Who does not like the fool! And who love - twice!
It is said that a swan There is a law: a loved one dies - dies, and he is. The wings folded and falls from the height of the blue. If you fall in love badly - to do so, and you!
I have a stomach ache, means that someone lives there. If this is not the worms, so you did.
I fell in love just is not penguin and a half. Half of the bottom, bright, moving.
Caution - can not take a joke: I'm not even talking about the same, and I have the courage for it, yes, I want you, I want to, but know less than we would like.
Dropped the bear on the floor, tore off a bear paw, bite off his ear, ripped open the belly of the bitch, X ... stuck in the stomach. Die, you bastard teddy!
I'm sitting at the lecture, I have an erection! X ... m desk lift, I do not understand!
Once the cold icy winter Horse pipiskoy frozen to the fence. She and kicking it and kicking. Horse left, and pipiska remained.
All trash and vanity, all rubbish and filth; Kurnut and fuck calf - That's the joy of life.
You, my dear, dearer to me there! But now the other makes me a blowjob! But in other well ... does not! How many of you family? Fuck you plead!
If you want a lot of affection, a lot of sex and love, to do something bad to you then e..i.
Since we have one life - live boldly old. Farts loudly burp out loud, clipped on ... x fluff, Drink, walk, kolis, Fight, every day, like a bull, e ... smiling!
I'll catch you by the feet, dragged you into the bushes - not e ... is on the road a beauty queen.
N tempted ... and feet, I'm on my way!
Cold and scared little macaque: stick to the leaves hairy asshole!
And you ... confusing when th ... Xia want a wolf? !!
A guy in a bar drunk in the board wants to stand up can not - falls, gets up again falls. Well, I decided to crawl to get home. I crawled home, quietly opened the door, so that his wife did not rabudit, undressed and went to bed as if nothing had happened. In the morning I did not have time to wake up his wife started yelling: - Again infection yesterday drunk ... -?! - Called to the bar, you said that once again my wheelchair there forgotten.
Went once Red Riding Hood to his grandmother, include the fact that the house was not necessary, and throw - a pity. And toward her Wolf: - Hello, Little Red Riding Hood. Where are you dragging the empty tomb?
- And let's shall find booze, aunts, smokes! Nazhremsya oduri.Tak to the pin and then all week !. But this, of course, provided that in no theater tickets'll get ...
- Dad, dads - buy me a new hard drive, and the old bent. - A magic word ?! - That bl * qb - and then ponastavili passwords ...
There drugany. First: - Something you have not seen for a long time. - Yes, I won the lottery trip. The first time! - Wow! And where? - In Kolyma. - ??? - For a fake lottery tickets.
- Hey, what are you doing? - I work at the Academy of Sciences. - A more precise? - The Institute of Genetics. - A more precise? - In the group of training materials for the experiments. - Well, exactly? - For catching midges experiments.
Delicious smells of fresh meat to have kostpa veptele. Hoposho was Hatasha, better was not in the village.
Once translated Prompt'om HowTo to dosemu (Linuksoidnaya softina such), there were approximately as follows (as in anglitski, I do not remember exactly, so in my translation): "I unloaded some drivers to free up memory twice more than the required <...> "Prompt (spelling preserved, because this simply will not forget the crying souls.!):" I have a small boot, twice more than enough "
The conductor comes to the station and there learns that the train was canceled. Well, if so - with a partner drank vodka. Late at night, I got home. He meets his wife - some "not so" ... pulls back door wardrobe - there half-dressed man. She asks him: - Tea will be? - No ... - Then you with twenty-two rubles - for B ...
Sitting on the bench couple. Man "makes" her a compliment Listen you're so ... so beautiful. Girl affectations: What is - premeditated compliment? Chance to snatch it? Passer, who is heard loudly and clearly -Udachnaya joke