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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories


The husband asks the young wife:
“I don’t understand, dear, is it either a steak steak or a blunt knife?”
- Darling, this is not a steak - this is pudding.

- Yesterday in the forest, I saved a young girl from rape.
- You? From rape? I wonder how?
- Very simple. Persuaded.
One Georgian says to another:
- My dad drove the car!
- What color?
- Have you seen the sunrise?
- Yes.
“Just like that, only green!”

A man came home from a business trip a day earlier. At home he finds a half-naked wife and a man in shorts.
- Well? - the husband asks. “Will you tell me now that you are waiting for the tram here?”
“No,” the man answers, looking downcast.
“Maybe you're our new plumber?”
- Not.
“Maybe you are a skydiver, and you are blown to the balcony by the wind?”
- Not.
- And who are you?
“I'm your wife’s lover.”
- Thank God! And then your predecessors brought me with their indefatigable imagination !!!

a man walks along Red Square and leads a goose on a rope. here comes the cop and says: what are you, man, ofuel? drag this fucking goose. he is gray here on the whole Red Square. the man replies: how many pigeons are there, and everyone is scrubbing, and is it normal? cop again: well, you compared! Well these are pigeons - messengers of the world! -And my goose, Shaw wants war?
Roll call in a gay brothel:
- Prostitute Vasya!
- I!
- The prostitute Kolya!
- I!
- Prostitute Misha! - silence.
- Prostitute Misha !?
- A prostitute Misha today will not go to work, she ate green apples and her period began
"Climb onto the piano and shit on it, or what?" - thought Dima Bilan at Eurovision. - "No, they don’t understand - Europe ..."
After sex
>
> Aries: <Okay, it started in a new way!>
> Taurus: <I want to eat! Give me the pizza!>
> Gemini: <And where is the remote control from the TV?>
> Cancer: <When will we get married?>
> Leo: <Was I really (a) gorgeous (gorgeous)?>
> Virgo: <Let me see the sheets>
> Libra: <If you liked it, I liked it too>
> Scorpio: <Perhaps now you can untie you>
> Sagittarius: <Do not call me, I myself will call>
> Capricorn: <Do you have a business card?>
> Aquarius: <And now let's try WITHOUT clothes!>
> Pisces: <Since you say your name is?>

- Bann! Well, why does the chef call me broken?
- Lisa. Go on. You are working in the department. My name is Nicholas.

In the morning, a telephone rang in Stirlitz’s office.
- Russian intelligence officer Isaev!
Stirlitz clearly reported and wondered if he had spoken anything superfluous.

Stirlitz played soccer with the SS men.
He made a bandwagon to Kaltenbrunner.
Judge Muller showed Stirlitz a yellow card.
Gorchichnik, thought Stirlitz.

A Georgian comes to the pet store and asks to sell him a parrot.
The saleswoman says that there are no parrots on sale yet.
At this moment, the Georgian sees the owl and begins to seem to him,
that the saleswoman just wants to rip more money off of him.
- Girl, why baptize there is a parrot, give it back
Dengi Dam.
The saleswoman was tired of this whole bazaar.
- Okay! Come on a piece of bucks.
- Thank you, I won’t forget the girl age! Do you understand the dream
me! I want a parrot
learn to sing in Georgian!
He takes the parrot and leaves.
A month later, the saleswoman stands laughing with her friends and suddenly
sees how
the same Georgian comes in with a preoccupied look.
turns pale and tries
hide. Gruzin sees her and gives a friendly wave.
- Girl give food for a parrot.
The saleswoman is depressed from the heart. She is bold and asks.
- Well, what did you learn to sing?
- Nat, bye! But what you like, VINIMATELY VERY! Very
VINIMATELY listens!

- There is a trial. Surgeon and cleaning lady are judged. The judge asks the surgeon: "How could you do this to a poor woman? You are a respected doctor
Doctor: "And what am I? I am a poor doctor, I work so hard, I haven’t slept for three days, my hands are in blood. I needed a discharge, I saw something standing, so I snuggled up."
Judge: "Dear woman, tell us what you think about this?"
Woman: "Shaw-sho? I washed the first one, washed the other. I went to the third, bent a wiccup and rag, and here was the back of the door. Judge:" You could not run away? "
Woman: "Coody, according to the rummage?"

Outskirts of Lviv, a wound, having crossed, is worth a Doshnik on dorozі.
Ї Where such a machine is fashionable, let’s think є spin. Backє.
- Good wound!
- Good!
- Your documents be weasel.
- Please!
- Viidit cars.
- Of zadovolennyam! To enter a healthy vuiko in vishivants, all with it, laugh at a vus.
- What’s garni nastry?
- Garni.
- View the trunk.
- I beg...
Vіdkrivaє, and there’s a corpse in a bear, chopping on other shmatka, shelter, meat and everything like that ...
- Shaw Muscovite? ...
- Yeah, well ...
- Yake prikre suicide ....

A man comes to church, says:
- Father, I have sinned.
- What is your sin, my son?
- I deceived a Jew.
“This is not a sin, my son.”
- What is it?
- This is a miracle!

What is the difference between a woman and a man?
- A woman can always, but not always, and a man is the other way around.

How to destroy bed bugs in a room?
- You need to drive them under the cabinet, and saw the legs near the cabinet.

What is the most beautiful city? How many atomic bombs do you need to destroy it?
... The Armenian radio was silent for a moment and replied: "Yerevan is a beautiful city, but Tbilisi is better."

Calories and sex!
Strip:
- with his consent - 12 kcal
- without his consent - 187 kcal

Removing underwear:
- with both hands - 8 kcal
- with one hand - 12 kcal
- with one hand plus a slap - 37 kcal
- by mouth - 85 kcal

Condom pulling:
- with an erection - 6 kcal
- without it - 315 kcal

Prelude:
- penis search - 3 kcal
- G-point search - 10000 kcal

Pose "69":
- lying - 8 kcal
- standing - 712 kcal

Orgasm:
- real - 112 kcal
- imitated - 513 kcal

After orgasm:
- stay in bed - 12 kcal
- run away - 36 kcal
- find out why he ran away - 816 kcal

Dressing:
- calmly - 32 kcal
- rushing to the last bus - 98 kcal
- when his wife rings the doorbell - 1218 kcal.


- Grandfather, grandfather, here's your birthday mobile phone! Latest model!
- So! Quiet! Ozhe, I wake up early wrants, I go milk a cow, I go year-old pigs, I go to town I fix a mow, I go sap, I chop wood, all day hands in robots, and they brought me a piece of iron ... Bluetooth de? ... De bluetooth shit ?!

- Why is it better to die: from syphilis or from dysentery?
“Better to die a man than an asshole.”

Riddle: everything is black around, and red in the middle. What it is? Answer: carrot in the black man in the ass.

Two friends are talking.
- Do you help your wife around the house? - asks one.
- Not. I do everything myself.

The plumber came on call. He reached into the toilet with his hand - he pulls out:
- The one that you go there - shit, or what ?!
Little Johnny puts on rubber boots. Mom tells him:
- Vovochka, it’s dry outside, there is no dirt and puddles.
“And I will find,” he replies cheerfully.

The teacher asked an essay on the topic: "If I were the director of the company."
Everyone carefully writes, and only Vovochka looks out the window.
“Why don't you write?”
- I'm waiting for the secretary!

Little Vovochka does not want to sleep. Father sits down in his bed and begins to tell him tales. Tells an hour, another. Finally, silence reigns in the room. Mother quietly opens the door and asks:
- He fell asleep?
“Yes, mother,” the son answers in a whisper.

The patient comes to the doctor, and says:
- Doctor, give me a cure for greed, but more, MORE!

Ivan Tsarevich planted a frog in front of him and says:
- Well well well...
- Kwa!
- What qua?
- Well, what?

The most miserable animal is an octopus. He has legs from his ears, and hands from an ass, and an ass itself - with ears ... and brains, in fact, also in an ass

In the summer, the boys and I went camping with an overnight stay, and took with us only the necessities: potatoes, a tent and Maria Ivanovna.

- Why are ducks so wide legs?
- To put out burning branches.
- And why are elephants so wide legs?
- To stew burning ducks.

Shipwreck. Passengers floundering in the water, sticking one head. The sailors on the boat are in a hurry to save them: they grab them by the hair and drag them into the boat.
Suddenly, a completely bald head appears next to the boat. One sailor stares at her, puzzled, for a few seconds, then hits the bald oar:
B! @ Q, we are not in for a joke!

- Why do males, when they urinate near the fence, raise their legs?
- Protected. Because when the very first male peed, the fence fell on him.

On the nutrition: "How do you live?" it is difficult to swear, skidding on pidlozі, banging his head against the wall, in a word - unique vіdpovіdі.

The sorceress was Vasilisa. Waves with his right sleeve - a lake, waves - his left - swans swim in the lake, wave another 200 grams - hallucinations begin more complicated ....

- Kume! Did you know what my name is vampire buv?
- Ні! Have yak been recognized?
- And I yom yuri yesterday aspen in the heart of the shaking, so vin died!

Lesson of tolerance in a Russian school. The teacher asks:
“Children, do you know who gays are?”
Vova:
- We know, these are fagots.
- But it’s indecent to speak like that!
- And in the ass e..y means decently?

On the highway at the entrance to the city, a shield is strengthened. The inscription on the shield:
"Driver! Beware of the places where the children come from."

A man comes to the cafe, already pretty drunk and to the barmaid:
- Hostess pour 100 grams!
- Well, you're not standing on your feet ...
- All the way through!
She pours him, he drinks and asks to repeat.
- Yes, you would at least take a bun to eat.
- Come on!
A man sucks a glass, reaches for a bun and ...
how not to screw
whole body.
- You see @ $% $ #% what your bun did!

Two men caught and raped nuns.
One began to pray:
- God forgive them, they do not know what they are doing ...
The second in response:
“I don’t know about yours, but mine knows his own business.”

The raped woman went to the police.
She promptly conducted an investigation and invited her to identify four men.
She explains:
“I don’t know, it was dark and I couldn’t see my face, but if they raped me now, I’ll probably recognize him.”

There were two mushrooms: white and fly agaric. They look - the mushroom is coming. “Now the fun will begin,” says white.
“I don’t know what about cutting, and I’ll get it with my boot on the breadbox,” the fly agaric sighs.

A bear, a wolf and a chicken went to sign up for an army. The bear and the wolf in the military registration and enlistment office successfully passed the medical examination and are expecting a chicken. It turns out the chicken is unhappy.
- Tripper, tripper. What a triumph when I'm all in fluff!

Published by the lion, the king of beasts, the law means:
- Every day, the whole animal must bring me meat. Whoever does this will not receive #% eat on the forehead!
The first day. Bringing a hare a bag. The lion says:
- How many kilos?
- Five.
The lion opens the bag, looks - there is cabbage.
- Ah, you oblique deceiver !!!
Clap him five times on the forehead. Hare - fpppp, flew into the bushes.
In a minute
from the bushes comes a heartbreaking laugh. Leo peers into the bushes:
- Hey oblique, why are you, not enough for you, or what?
- No, nothing, just a hedgehog carries 10 kilograms of apples, but you know the law!

Microphones are lowered into the pool where dolphins swim, and the conversations of smart creatures are recorded. One dolphin whispers to another:
- Tell them something in Russian. Here they run!

The professor explains the theorem:
- Imagine a glass ball. Actually, not necessarily glass. And, however, you can do without a ball ...

“What do you want, boy?”
“They sent me to find out how good your husband is.”
- Say that he is very weak, we wait any minute that he will die.
“Command me to wait?”

A man bought a piece of cloth for a suit. I went in Moscow to a tailor saying that I really want a suit. He measured the man and grit - not enough here for your figure.
Well man in St. Petersburg - the same story. Vobschem went, went, nowhere can stitch.
Arrived in Odessa. I went to the tailor, he measured it, took a cut and asked to come through a week. After a week a man comes, give him trousers, measured it - like a glove.
Give a vest - how was born in it. They give a jacket - straight from the top to the top. Well, the man was very surprised and asked: - How did you do this? In Moscow, St. Petersburg, etc. they said that there wasn’t enough matter on my figure, but you had enough for everything!
Tailor (old such a Jew):
- It’s you there in Moscow and St. Petersburg a figure, and here you are shit. Will we measure the cap?

In kindergarten there is preparation for the holiday ...
- Ilyusha, and who will you be?
- zhikom ;-)
- Are you Julia?
- Fox !!!
- Well, what will you be Kostya ???
- And I'll put on a brown suit, pretend to be shit and spoil the whole carnival for you !!

A little hedgehog runs, and the leader yells: "Stop !!!" - all the hedgehogs got up,
again the leader yells: "Graze !!!" - all the hedgehogs graze, and the leader thinks to himself: "Huh ... Hy than horses!"

Entering the ward, the doctor sees with horror that the nurse is shaking the patient with all his might. - What are you doing? You are crazy!
- Sorry, doctor, but I forgot that the medicine that I gave him should be shaken before use
The doctor asks the patient:
- Tell me, are you deceiving your wife?
- Well, of course. And who else?

The doctor, examining the patient, said:
- You need to do daily massage using an electric vibrator.
“This is unnecessary, doctor,” the patient answers, “I already go to work by trolley.”

War rate. Stalin asks the generals:
“Do you agree with the plan of attack?” Marshal Zhukov?
“I agree, Comrade Stalin.”
- Marshal Voroshilov?
- I agree.
- Marshal Rokossovsky?
- I agree.
- Good. But we still need to know the opinion of Colonel Brezhnev.

Monday - Anti-Friday.
Tuesday - The Netherstorm.
Wednesday - Little Friday.
Thursday - Great Friday.
Friday - Good Friday.
Saturday - Wide Friday.
Sunday - Deep Friday

Two friends are looking at photos of men. One asks:
“Would you give that?”
- Dala!
- But this one?
“And she would have given it!”
- But this one?
- Not! I won’t get it to the face ...

Sign on the door of the company:
"Dear girls! If you came for a job advertisement,
before entering, please pass the following test:
1. Move away from the door two steps.
2. Place your hands behind your head, put your elbows forward.
3. Slowly move forward until you touch the door.
If your elbows touched the door earlier than your chest, we’re sorry,
but we are forced to refuse your candidacy.

There is a naked Georgian in front of a mirror, admiring himself. He looks at his hands and says “Biceps!”, “Triceps!” Unfolds, looks below “Oh ass !!!”, turns before “Uh, lie down with your daragh !!”

A man breaks into a pharmacy, makes his way to the counter:
- Hurry! Let me go! There the woman lies!
The queue parted.
He turns to the seller:
- Condom, please.

There is a Wolf in the woods. He sees the Hare over the ears in a century tied.
- Hare, what are you doing?
- Well, life is sick of it. I decided to hang myself.
- Who hangs himself like that, you have to hang around the neck.
- I tried - I am suffocating.

There is a naked Georgian in front of a mirror, admiring himself. He looks at his hands and says “Biceps!”, “Triceps!” Unfolds, looks below “Oh ass !!!”, turns before “Uh, lie down with your daragh !!”

FEMALE VERSION
- Wow, you made a new hairstyle! How amazing!
- True? It didn’t seem so to me when I immediately looked in the mirror. Do you think they don't curl very much?
- No, what are you, everything is fine! At first I also wanted to make myself such a hairstyle, but then I thought that my face was too round. So it’s better to leave it as it is.
- Are you serious? You have a beautiful face! So you can easily make yourself one of the new haircuts that are now in fashion, you will just have an amazing view! I also wanted to do something myself, but I did not want to open my neck.
- So you have a beautiful neck, I would like that! Then these huge shoulders would not have been so striking.
- Yes, you're crazy! I know girls who would give everything for having shoulders like yours. So all the dresses go for you! You look at my hands, see how short they are? If my shoulders were wider, I would have no problem choosing clothes.
“Oh, don't make me laugh!” After all, all men fall at your feet! Okay, it's too late, I have to run. Till! - Bye see you later!

MEN'S VERSION
- What, fooled?
- Yeah.

- Vano! Do you like tomatoes?
- Yes, yes, but no.

A boy sits and divines on a camomile:
- He will give, he will not give, he will give, he will not give, he will give, he will not give ... Damn, he will not give again!
So, who is on the list next ... number 132 - Marina ... Dast,
will not give...

1910 year. Monya is walking along Deribasovskaya. Sees the institution of Madame Roses. He comes in. Asks for a price list. He sees that a black woman costs 50 rubles, a Japanese woman 25 rubles, a Russian 10 rubles. Monya rummages around her pockets and reveals only 3 rubles. Madame Rosa, in order not to miss the client, agrees to serve Monya for the money herself.
1930 year. Monya is walking along Deribasovskaya. He sees the institution of several aged Madame Roses. He comes in. Madame Rosa, seeing her old acquaintance, loudly shouts: "Abram, son, come here soon, your dad has come!" A healthy kid appears and begins to beat Monya in an focused manner. Monya tries to dodge and shouts: "Son, say thanks that I didn’t have 50 rubles!"

- Lieutenant, but tell me: what are the most common conditions for eggs to beat?
- About the saddle.
- Oh, but no - about the Frying pan!
- A frying pan? In the balls? Funny sir!

Residents of Britain are very fond of riding greats.
So this country is called: "Great Britain".

- Do you have problems with rodents?!? Knock out their teeth and you will have problems with the suckers! ..

God says the angel will go down to earth and watch how MSU students prepare for the session in order to help them in difficult times. Two weeks before the session:
B. Well, how are the students of Mehmat?
A. Books are read, they are preparing for the exam
B. And the Physics Faculty?
A. Drink.
A week before the session:
B. Well, how are the students of Mehmat?
A. Problems are solved, they are preparing for the exam.
B. And the physics department?
A. Drink.
The day before the session:
B. Well, how are the students of Mehmat?
A. Prepared, resting.
B. And the Physics Faculty?
A. Pray.
B. Well, we will help them!

There are two drunken muzhiks at night. One other says:
- You see, in front of us is the house? This is my house. But you see, on the top floor a lighted window? This is my window. But you see, a woman is running around the window in the room? This is my wife. But you see, that woman is chasing the man? It's me.

Q: Can a son of a general become a marshal?
A: No, because the marshal has his sons.
***
Q: Can a donkey feed on asphalt?
A: Yes, if he has a blue shape and a striped rod.

Guys are sitting in a tent, they suddenly hear someone screaming in the distance
- In the world
Wary, again a cry, but closer
- In the world
Prepared batons, screaming again, even closer
- In the world
Suddenly they hear again a scream very close
- In the world
We approached closer to the entrance, suddenly a guy looked in and asked
- Do you have matches?
Three deaf blows - B_U_M, B_U_M, B_U_M,
- In the world

“I just don't know what to do,” the fisherman says. - The third time, returning from fishing, I find the wife's lover on the bed.
“Can't you go fishing anymore?”
- Well, here's another one. Just file the legs by the bed.

One friend asks another:
“Have you already slept with my wife?”
- What a question! I would never go for it.
- Well, in vain - it is much better than yours!

The Georgian went into the restaurant and turns to the waiter:
- Give me a list of dishes.
- Maybe a menu? - He answers.
- When we sing, you can.

Question: What does a female programmer and a guinea pig have in common? Answer:
The guinea pig has nothing to do with the sea or the pigs.

A man came from a village to a city. I found a mistress, she lived on the ninth floor. They lie in bed, suddenly a bell. Mistress:
- Get in the closet!
- Why in the closet? I am better than kitchen gardens, kitchen gardens:

Two play in a sea battle:
- 4D
- wounded
- 4D
- wounded
- 4D
- Are you a sadist ??

-Vovochka, get dressed, we will take you to grandfather and grandmother.
-Mom, I do not want to go to them.
-Vovochka, come on faster, otherwise we are late.
-But there are such boring things!
-Son, do not be capricious, now it’s 8.00, and at 17.00 we will pick you up.
-Well, what will I do until five o'clock in the cemetery?

- When can we assume that a man has turned from a lover into a husband?
- When instead of flowers he starts to buy greens.

Spring. The sun shines brightly. A sparrow flew, saw something glowing on the roof. He flew up, sat down. It turned out to be a glass. Sparrow sat on a glass, it staggered, fell from the roof and rang.
An old woman leaned out of a window at a tinkle of glass, but leaned out too
could not resist and fell. Another old woman leaned on her roar,
but leaned out too could not resist and fell. On the roar of the second
the third leaned out, but leaned out too much, could not resist and fell ...
It was spring, the sun was shining brightly. A sparrow has long flown away
the glass has long ceased to ring, and the old women have fallen and fallen ...

With Rabinovich talk in OBKHSS:
- You have a summer house!
“So is that bad?”
- Do you have a car!
“So is that bad?”
“Your wife has a mink coat!”
“So is that bad?”
“But your salary is only one hundred and fifty rubles!”
“So is that good?”

Winter. Severe frost. In front of the store is the turn for milk. The director of the store appears: “There’s not enough milk for everyone, let the Jews leave!
Soon he appears again:
“All the same, there’s not enough milk, let the non-partisans leave!” Then he goes to the remaining communists:
- Comrades, only to you, as the most conscious, I can tell the whole truth: there is no milk! Among the communists grumble.
- Here are the Jews! - One speaks with anger. “It's been over an hour since they get warm at home!”

- Rabinovich, why did you buy a thousand sets of portraits of members of the Politburo?
- I will open a shooting range in Israel!

- The doctor is depressed.
- Plunge headlong into work. What are you doing?
- Knead the concrete ...

The patient complains of insomnia:
For example tonight: I woke up 12 times and never once after that I fell asleep.

- Is it true that an experienced doctor makes a diagnosis based on the patient’s appearance?
- Of course, you have for example sclerosis, diabetes and urinary incontinence.
- How did you guess?
- У Вас расстегнута ширинка, рядом мокрое пятно, а над ним вьется муха.
Отрывок из аськи:
- Привет крошка!
- Ну, привет.v - Приходи вечером ко мне, опять потрахаемся!!
- Вам наверное моя дочь нужна?
- Да, Сергей Николаевич.

К сорока годам у него ничего не осталось зачесывать на макушку, кроме морщин.
Женщина имела цветущий вид - она цвела, как болото.
Женщина не иголка, всегда найдется в стоге сена.
Девушка в мини-юбке пытается залезть в автобус. Но никак не может ногу закинуть на подножку. Тогда она расстегивает сзади молнию на юбке и снова пытается.
Облом. Расстегивает еще шире и тут нахальные мужские руки подхватывают ее за икры и подсаживают в автобус. Девушка с возмущением:
- Мужчина, как Вы смеете?
- Ну после того как Вы мне два раза расстегнули ширинку, я подумал, что могу рассчитывать на взаимность.
У молодой пары долго не было детей. Им посоветовали съездить в Рим и в соборе святого Петра зажечь свечу... Через несколько лет человек, который дал совет супругам, случайно попал в тот городок, где они жили, и решил навестить их. На пороге дома его встретила ватага ребятишек мал мала меньше.
- А где ваша мама? - Спросил советчик.
- Она в роддоме.
- А папа?
- А папа поехал в Рим задуть какую-то проклятую свечу!

Идет Красная Шапочка по лесу, видит - под кустом сидит Волк. К. Ш. - Дяденька Волк, а почему у вас такие большие уши? В. - Чтобы лучше тебя слышать, девочка.
К. Ш. - Дяденька Волк, а почему у вас такой большой нос? В.
- Чтобы лучше нюхать
мясо, девочка, и вообще, не задавай глупых вопросов! К. Ш.
- Дяденька Волк, а почему у вас такие большие глаза? В. - Девочка, я тебе сказал, отвяжись - что не видишь - я какаю!

- Некоторые моменты в армейской жизни мне нравятся! - заявил новобра- нец. - Это какие же? - спросил его другой рекрут.
- Когда мы маршируем в столовую.
- Согласен. Однако между этими моментами больше любить нечего.

Военный водитель рядовой Смит был доставлен к начальнику полиции. Начальник обратился к дорожному полицейскому:
- Итак, вы предполагаете, что водитель управлял грузовиком в нетрезвом состоянии?
- Здесь и предполагать нечего, - ответил полицейский. - Он целый час простоял перед красным фонарем, установленным перед местом, где ведутся дорожные работы ожидая, когда тот сменится на зеленый свет.

- Почему у вас зеркало над весами? - спрашивает приятель у продавца. - Э, милый мой, ты плохо знаешь женщин, - ухмыляется тот.
- Когда можно полюбоваться собой в зеркало, станут ли они смотреть на стрелку ве- сов?

В магазине женщина выбирает метлу. Перебрала все, что были, потом заставила продавца принести еще со склада, снова перебрала все сначала.
Через два часа продавец уже взмок, наконец, она выбрала:
- Вот эту.
- Мадам, вам завернуть или так полетите?

- Мадам, - говорит продавщица в отделе шляп покупательнице, которая мучила ее шесть часов, - может, вы все-таки наденете шляпу, которую выбра- ли, а то сейчас на вашей голове коробка от нее!

- Курсант Браун, - рявкнул инструктор, - почему вы не слушаете лекцию? - Я слушаю, сэр.
- Тогда повторите мои последние слова.
- "Курсант Браун, почему вы не слушаете лекцию?"

Hа остановке стоят пенсионеp и пионеp.
И вдpуг пенсионеp чихает.
Пионеp: - Будьте здоpовы !
- Thanks.
- You are welcome.
- Да не стоит.
- Да ну что Вы.
- Hе умничай !
- Пошел на $%^!

Жена "нового русского", отчаявшись вылечить мужа от импотенции, увидела факира, играющего на флейте, от звуков которой из корзины поднимается кобра.
- Послушай, а если ты также поиграешь на флейте,
у моего мужа член встанет как кобра ?
- Конечно, - отвечает факир.
Привела она его домой, а муж после очередной тусовки лежит и отсыпается. Сел факир в уголке и давай наигрывать на флейте. Вдруг у мужа под одеялом между ног зашевелилось и одеяло стало приподниматься. Одеяло поднимается, поднимается, а жена быстренько раздевается и с восхищением откидывает одеяло, а там метровый глист стоит и покачивается в такт флейте.
Ротный построил солдат и объявляет "Кто быстрее всех забьет косяк тот поедет домой, время пошло ..." Ротный :" А ты Сидоров почему не забиваешь ?"
Сидоров : "А я уже дома..а".

War. В окопе сидят два солдата и раскуриваются, на них едет танк. Один солдат говорит другому : "Вань бросай гранату".
Тот говорит : "Давай сделаем по напасу и тогда бросим".
Сделали по напасу. Первый говорит :" Вань танк уже близко, давай бросай гранату". А второй ему : "Ну ты чего пристал, хочешь, бросай сам". Подъезжает танк, из люка вываливается накуренный фашист и спрашивает : "Ну вы чего, гранату то будете кидать ?" А те ему :
"Да что-то нам влом. А вы почему не стреляете ?" Фашисты :"
А мы ствол запаяли чтобы кумар не уходил !!!"

Пришел мужик к доктору, и говорит:
- Доктор, у меня на руке вот какое-то пятнышко и болит.
Доктор посмотрел:
- А, это хуйня. Хуйню не лечим.
Через некоторое время опять пришел мужик к доктору:
- Доктор, у меня уже большое пятно, и чернеет.
Доктор посмотрел, и говорит:
- А, это ху%$я. Х#$ню не лечим.
Через два дня опять пришел мужик к доктору:
- Доктор, у меня вот какая-то х...я на руке, почернело все и на голове волосы выпадают.
Посмотрел доктор, и сказал:
- Э-э-э милый, это не хуй.я, это уже пиздец, а пиздец неизлечим...

Договорился грузин с пассивным голубым.
Только засадил ему, а голубой:
- Ой!
- Что такое, дарагой?
- Сердечко екнуло!
- Э-э, сэрдечко мы уже прошли, ты шляпу держи...

Надпись на стене в провинциальной гостинице:
"Это после этого в окно не бросать!! А то гуси давятся!"

Выходят из кабинок туалета русский и англичанин.
Русский протягивает руку англичанину и здоровается.
Тот нехотя дает руку и говорит:
- У нас в Англии вообще-то после туалета моют руки.
Русский отвечает удивленно:v - А унас в России вообще-то на руки не ссут!!!

Пpиходит мужик к диpектоpу циpка. Говоpит :
- У меня чудестеый номеp
-В чем же он заключается ?
- Я игpаю на контpастах
- А по подpобней ?
- Hу, это - вывозят на аpену бочку с деpьмом, потом взpывают...
Весь циpк в деpьме...
И тут появляюсь я - во всем БЕЛОМ ...

Около нашего историко-архивного института была забегаловка под названием Бутербродная. Со всеми тогдашними причиндалами совкового общепита - грязными столами, гнутыми вилками, тетями в грязно-белых халатах. Короче, то, что называлось раньше - тошниловка. Идешь, бывало, с подносом вдоль прилавка, набираешь всякой еды невообразимой, а в конце стоит чан с кофе, наливать нужно самому. У чана стоит поднос со стаканами гранеными, помните, были такие по двести граммов с гладкой дужкой наверху. Так вот, около чана стояла красиво оформленная цветными карандашами табличка. Там было написано - КОФЕ В СТАКАН НЕ ЛЕЙ ДО КОНЦА, ПОРЦИЯ В НОРМЕ ЛИШЬ ДО КОЛЬЦА!
(то бишь до этой дужки, обозначающей, видимо, эти самые двести граммов). Примечательно что находилась эта бутербродная на улице 25 Октября.

Эта реальная история произошла летом 1980 года. После завершения третьего курса студенты ЛИИЖТа отмечали это событие. Мой сосед по комнате имел привычку ходить по бордюру второго этажа, но только когда пребывал в состоянии, в котором он и оказался в результете вышеупомянутого отмечания. Текущий проход по бордюру завершился падением, переломом руки. В общем ерунда - но в скорой помощи зафиксировали факт опьянения какой-то там степени.
На следующий день в общагу приходит куратор его группы (были у нас такие преподаватели) и спрашивает меня - по какому поводу была пьянка? Я ответил, что "наверное" из-за завершения сессии.
И тут она говорит: и вы так часто пьете!!!

Военная кафедра МГУ на Манежной. Майор объясняет про час Ч.
- Объясняю один раз коротко и ясно. Час Ч - это то время,
когда ваши яйца должны зависнуть над окопом противника.

- Леночка, скажи - ты хорошистка или ударница?
- Да не ударница я, я на пианино играю!

Пацан с кентом по телефону разговаривает, а в комнате родители.
Теперь такой разговор получается:
- Я сегодня не приду.v -......
- Сам чудак
-......
- Сам чудила
-......
- Сам чудик
-......
- И вообще пошел на чуд, чудораз, разчудился здесь, понимаешь.

Охотник пошел на медведей охотится, подходит к берлоге, внутри пошуровал - никого. Ружье в сторону отложил, закуривает, вдруг сзади медведь. Охотник видит - ружье далеко. Хрипит: "Это пиздец".
А медведь:
Я тучка, тучка, тучка,
А вовсе не пиздец,
Ах, как приятно тучке
По небу лететь.
Ах, в синем-синем небе порядок и уют,
Поэтому все тучки охотников ебут.

Идет судебный процесс. The judge asks:
- Обвиняемый Беридзе, расскажите, как было дело..
- Как било дэло, как било дэло! Иду по лэсу, вижу малчик бежит, думал дыкий.

В трамвае женщина передает парнишке билетик чтобы тот прокомпостировал, смотрит,
а он уже дырявый.
- Да ведь он же уже прокомпостирован!
- Nothing! Там еще место есть!

Девушки в Черном море купаются. Вдруг чувствуют - их под водой кто-то раздевать
начинает. Они: - Караул! Помогите!.. А из под воды: - Тышэ,
дэвушкы! Это мы,
дэлфыны...

Обкуренный наркоман сидит на кухне. Звонок в дверь... Встает. Идет к двери...
- Who's there? Оттуда: "Конь ТОПОТАМ"
- Ид-ди ты нахуй! Оттуда: "ТО-ПО-ТАМ, ТО-ПО-ТАМ, ТО-ПО-ТАМ..."

There are two. Первый - Не поверишь, я вчера такую красотку в постель уложил!
Второй - Везет. А мне одни старухи попадаются... И два вируса гриппа разошлись по своим делам.

Пришел один человек к знакомому в гости.
- Good afternoon! Что это у вас на пороге черное и кудлатое лежит?
- А как вы прошли?! Это же очень злая собака!
- А я об нее ноги вытер!

Пpиходит пpапоpщик домой и с поpога жене:
- Жpать давай!
- Милый, возьми сам в холодильнике. Я так за день yстала, пpямо ни pазy не пpисела!
Пожалел пpапоp женy и велел ей пpисесть. Тpидцать pаз.
- Мамочка, а почему конфета называется "яблоко"?
- Потому что туда добавляют яблочного сока...
- Теперь я понимаю, почему некоторые конфетки называются "Кис-кис".

Встречаются два новых русских:
- Братила, ты слыхал песню о нас, новых русских?
- О нас, да ну? Hапой.
- "Весь покрытый зеленью, абсолютно весь..."

Кто рано встает - тот далеко от работы живет.
Ничего на свете лучше нету, чем скрипеть кроватью до рассвету!
Надпись в туалете: главное не добежать, а донести.
Налоговый инспектор это такой человек, который всегда приходит на выручку.v Ревность - подозрение, что изменяешь не только ты, но и тебе.
Вот что плохо в питье водки с утра - трудно будет провести день разнообразно.
Живу лишь тем, что вынес с презентаций.
Лишь вдоволь позанимавшись сексом, ВРЕМЕННО понимаешь, что это - не главное.
Сколько мусорное ведро ни утрамбовывай - выносить все равно придется.
Продавать наркотики детям каждый дурак может, а вы их попробуйте алгебре научить!
Мало кто знает, что если ударить кулаком в стекло, то получится схема московского метрополитена.
Наш девиз непобедим - возбудим и не дадим!!!
Я не грустный, я трезвый.
Грех предаваться унынию, когда есть другие грехи!
Лично я вкладываю деньги в водку! Где еще можно получить 40%?
Как быстро летит время: не успел проснуться, а уже опоздал на работу.
Loneliness is when you always know who made a mistake in the kitchen.
Обходя разложенные грабли - ты теряешь драгоценный ОПЫТ!!!
Мы слишком редко видимся, чтобы при встрече пить чай.
Переходя через дорогу, смотрите не на светофор, а на машины - светофоры еще никого не сбивали...
Меня выгнали из дома. За непосещаемость...