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The husband asks the young wife:
"I do not understand, my dear, whether the steak is hard, or the knife is blunt?"
"Darling, this is not a steak - it's a pudding."

"Yesterday in the forest I saved a young girl from rape."
- You? From rape? I wonder how?
- Very simple. Persuaded.
One Georgian says to another:
"Mine, Papa's a car!"
"What color?"
"Did you see the sunrise?"
- Yes.
"Precisely, just green!"

A man came home from a business trip a day earlier. At home he finds a half-naked wife and a man in shorts.
- Well? the husband asks. "Are you going to tell me that you're waiting for the tram here?"
"No," says the peasant, looking downcast.
- Maybe you're our new plumber?
- No.
- Maybe you're a skydiver, and you wind blown to the balcony?
- No.
- And who are you?
"I'm the lover of your wife."
- Thank God! And then your predecessors of mine with their irrepressible imagination REACHED !!!

there is a man on Red Square and leads on a string of goose. Here comes the cop and says: you're a man, man, offuel? dragging this ehohan goose. He's gray here on the whole Red Square. man and replies: and there are so many pigeons who are all surly, and normal? Ment again: Well, You compared! this is the blue-pigeon messengers of the world! - Does my goose want war?
A roll call in a homosexual public house:
- Prostitute Vasya!
- I!
"The hooker Kolya!"
- I!
- Prostitute Misha! - Silence.
- The prostitute Misha !?
- A prostitute Misha today will not go to work, she devoured green apples and she began a month
"Get on the piano and fuck it on him, or what?" - Dima Bilan thought at Eurovision. - "No, they will not understand - Europe ..."
After sex
>
> Aries: <Okay, rushed in a new way!>
> Taurus: <I want to! Give me the pizza! "
> Gemini: <And where is the remote from the TV?>
> Cancer: <When will we get married?>
> Leo: <Was not I was (a) magnificent (gorgeous)?>
> Virgo: <Let me see the sheets>
> Scales: <If you liked it, I also liked it>
> Scorpio: <Perhaps now you can untie>
> Sagittarius: <Do not call me, I'll call myself>
> Capricorn: <Do you have a business card?>
> Aquarius: <And now let's try WITHOUT clothes!>
> Pisces: <Since, you say, your name is?>

- Baan! Well, why does the Stef call me menial?
- Liz. Go on. You work together in the next. A man's name is Nickolam.

In the morning in the office of Stirlitz the phone rang.
- Russian scout Isayev!
Stirlitz reported accurately and thought if he had blurted out too much.

Stirlitz played football with the SS.
He made a footstep for the Kaltenbrunner.
Judge Mueller showed Stirlitz a yellow card.
"The Wizard," Stirlitz thought.

The Georgian comes to the ZOO shop and asks him to sell him a parrot.
The saleswoman says that there are no parrots yet.
At this point, the Georgian sees the eagle owl and begins to seem to him,
that the saleswoman simply wants to break off from him more money.
- Devushka, pczemu vrezhn there is a parrot, give, batschie
dengi ladies.
The saleswoman was sick of the whole bazaar.
- Okay! Give me one bucks.
- Thank you, I will not forget the girl of the century! You know, you have a dream
me! I want a parrot
in Georgian sing to teach!
He takes the parrot and leaves.
A month later, the saleswoman laughs with her friends and suddenly
sees how
is the same Georgian with a preoccupied view.
pales and tries
Hrusin sees her and waves her hand in a friendly way.
- Give me a parrot for the parrot.
The saleswoman's back from the heart. She dares and asks.
"Well, have you learned how to sing?"
"Nat for now!" But what nravitsa, VINIMATELNYY VERY! Very
VINIMATELNO listens!

- There is a court. The surgeon and the cleaner are being tried. The judge asks the surgeon: "How could you do this to a poor woman?" You are a distinguished doctor
Doctor: "And what about me? I'm a poor doctor, I work so hard, I did not sleep for three days, my hands were bloody." I needed a discharge, I saw something worthwhile, so I pressed myself. "
Judge: "Dear woman, tell me, what do you think about this?"
Woman: "Sho-sho? I have mercy on the first, I have mercy on others." She went to the third, bent a virkchuvati rag, and then I shouted back. "Judge:" Could not you escape? "
Woman: "Kudi, on pomitomu?"

Okolitsya of Lviv, wound, perehreshya, cost DAOShnik on the road.
If such a car is fashionable, let me think back. Back.
"Dobriy is wounded!"
- Dobriy!
- Your documents are weasel.
- Please!
- View the machine.
- Z zadovalenyam! To wake up a hefty wuyko in vishivantsi, all with this, take a look at the uvus.
- What is the harmony?
- Garny.
- Inspect the trunk.
- I beg...
Vidkryvaє, and there the corpse in mishku, pobabany on dribnі shmatki, shelter, m'yaso і all taki ...
"Sho Moskal?"
- Hey ...
- Yake prikre self-destruction ....

A man comes to church, says:
"Father, I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?"
- I deceived the Jew.
"It's not a sin, my son."
- And what is this?
"It's a miracle!"

What is the difference between a woman and a man?
- A woman can always, but does not always want, and a man - on the contrary.

How in the room to destroy bedbugs?
- You have to drive them under the cupboard, and at the cupboard, saw the legs.

What is the most beautiful city? How many atomic bombs are needed to destroy it?
... The Armenian radio paused and answered: "Yerevan is a beautiful city, but Tbilisi is better."

Kilocalories and sex!
Strip:
- with his consent - 12 kcal
- without his consent - 187 kcal

Withdrawal of underwear:
- with both hands - 8 calories
- with one hand - 12 kcal
- with one hand plus a slap in the face - 37 kcal
- mouth - 85 calories

Condom pulling:
- with an erection - 6 calories
- without this - 315 kcal

Prelude:
- Penis search - 3 kcal
- search for the G-point - 10,000 kcal

Pose "69":
- lying down - 8 kcal
- standing - 712 kcal

Orgasm:
- real - 112 calories
- imitated - 513 kcal

After an orgasm:
- stay in bed - 12 kcal
- to escape - 36 calories
- find out why he ran away - 816 kcal

Dressing:
- calmly - 32 kcal
- hurrying to the last bus - 98 kcal
- When his wife calls at the door - 1218 kcal.


- Grandfather, grandfather, here's a birthday mobile phone! Latest model!
- So! Quiet! Otzhe, I beg early in the winter, I'll milk the cow, sweat the year of the pigs, I go to the city to go to the city, I'll hang on, firewood, all my hands in roboti, and all the time I'll take the piece of iron ... Blutuz de? ... De bluetooth fucking ?!

- Why is it better to die: from syphilis or from dysentery?
"It's better to die a man than an asshole."

Riddle: all around is black, and in the middle is red. What it is? Answer: Carrot in the Negro in the ass.

Conversation of two friends.
- Do you help your wife around the house? asks one.
- No. I do everything myself.

The plumber came on call. Using his hand in the toilet, he pulls out:
- That you go there - sreet, or what?
Vovochka puts on rubber boots. Mom says to him:
"Vovochka, it's dry outside, there's no mud and no puddles."
"I'll find it," he says cheerfully.

The teacher asked an essay on the topic: "If I were the director of the company."
All diligently write, and only Vovochka looks out the window.
- Why do not you write?
"I'm waiting for the secretary!"

Little Vovochka does not want to sleep. The father sits at his crib and begins to tell him tales. Tells an hour, another. Finally, silence reigns in the room. Mother quietly opens the door and asks:
"Did he fall asleep?"
"Yes, Mom," the son answers in a whisper.

The patient comes to the doctor, and says:
- Doctor, give me a cure for greed, yes more, LESS!

Ivan Tsarevich planted a frog in front of him and said:
- Well well well...
- Qu!
- What is kva?
- Well, what about?

The most unfortunate animal is an octopus. He and his feet from the ears, and hands from the ass, and the ass - with the ears ... and the brains, in fact, also in the ass

In the summer, we with boys went on a campaign with spending the night, and with ourselves took only necessary: ​​a potato, a tent and Maria Ivanovna.

"Why do ducks have such wide legs?"
"To put out the burning branches."
- And why do elephants have such wide legs?
"To put out the burning ducks."

Shipwreck. Passengers are floundering in the water, only heads are sticking out. The sailors on the boat are in a hurry to save them: grabbed by the hair and dragged into the boat.
Suddenly, near the boat there is absolutely bald head. One sailor looks at her puzzled for a few seconds, then paddles his bald head with a paddle:
B! @ D, we do not have a joke!

- Why do males, when urinating near a fence, raise a leg?
- Protected. Because when the very first male was urinating, a fence fell on him.

On the pittance: "Yak live?" brudno matyukavsya, skating on підлозі, beating his head on the wall, in a word - a unique look.

The wizard was Vasilisa. Waves right sleeve - the lake, waving - left - swans on the lake sailing, waving another gram 200 - hallucinations start more difficult ....

- Kume! And Wu knew sho mi sysid vampirom buv?
- Nі! And yak Wie got used to?
- And I yomu vchora aspen kilka in the heart built, so vin died!

The lesson of tolerance in the Russian school. The teacher asks:
"Children, do you know who are gays?"
Vova:
- We know, it's piedaras.
- But this is indecent!
"Does it mean that it's decent in the ass?"

On the highway at the entrance to the city the shield is strengthened. On the shield there is an inscription:
"Driver, beware of where the children come from."

A man comes to the cafe, already pretty drunk and to the barmaid:
- The hostess pour 100 grams!
"But you are not standing on your feet ..."
- All the way!
She pours it to him, he drinks and asks to repeat.
- Yes, you would at least take a bun bun.
- Come on!
A man sucks a glass, reaches for a bun and ...
how will not it
whole body.
- Here you see @ $% $ #% what's your bun made!

Two men caught and raped nuns.
One began to pray:
- Lord forgive them, they do not know what they are doing ...
The second in response:
"I do not know how you are, but I know my business."

The raped woman turned to the police.
She operatively conducted an investigation and offered her to identify four men.
She explains:
"I do not know, it was dark, and I could not see the faces, but if they raped me right now, I would surely recognize him."

There were two gibs: white and fly agaric. See - the gribnik is coming. "Now it's going to start," the white man says.
"I do not know, how about a rift, and I'll get a boot for a breadman," sighs the fly agarist.

The bear, the wolf and the chicken went to register in the army. The bear and the wolf in the military registration and enlistment office have successfully passed the medical board and are waiting for the chicken. The chicken comes out displeased.
- Tripper, tripper. What three times, when I'm all down!

The lion, the king of beasts, gave out the law, which means:
"Every day every animal should give me meat." Who will not do this will get #% it on the forehead!
The first day. Hugs the bag. The lion says:
- How many kilos?
- Five.
The lion opens the bag, looks - there cabbage.
- Oh, you, oblique deceiver!
He slapped him five times on the forehead. The hare - fpppp, flew into the bushes.
Within a minute
a heart-rending laugh comes from the bushes. The lion peers into the bushes:
- Hey oblique, what are you, a little you, or what?
- No, nothing, just a hedgehog carries 10 kilograms of apples, but you know the law!

In the pool, where dolphins swim, they lowered the microphones and recorded the conversations of clever creatures. One dolphin whispers to another:
"Tell them something in Russian." Here run!

The professor explains the theorem:
- Imagine a glass bowl. Actually, not necessarily glass. And, however, you can do without a ball ...

"What do you want, boy?"
"They sent me to find out how your husband's health is."
- Tell him that he is very weak, we are waiting for him, from the minute, that he will die.
"Will you order me to wait?"

I bought a man a piece of cloth for a suit. Went in Moscow to the tailor of the pier de and so I want a suit. He measured the man and grit - there is not enough here on your figure.
Well man in Peter - the same story. In general, I went-went, can not sew anywhere.
I came to Odessa. I went to the tailor, he measured it, took a cut and asked to come for a week. A week later the peasant comes, gives him trousers, measured - as if poured.
They give a waistcoat - how it was born in it. Give a jacket - straight tyutelka in tyutelku. Well, the peasant was surprised and asked: - How did it happen? In Moscow, St. Petersburg, etc. said that my figure of matter is not enough, but you have enough for everything!
Tailor (old such a Jew):
- It's you there in Moscow and St. Petersburg, a figure, but here you are shit. We will measure the cap?

In the kindergarten there is preparation for a holiday ...
- Илюша, and whom you will be?
- by living ;-)
- And you are Julia?
- Fox!
- Well, and who are you Kostya ??
- And I'll wear a brown suit, I'll argue with shit and spoil you with the whole carnival !!

Runs kychka hedgehogs, vpryg leader otet: "Stop!" - all the hedgehogs got up,
again the leader will shout: "To graze !!!" - all the hedgehogs graze, and the leader himself dymaet: "Hy ... Hy than not the horses!"

Entering the ward, the doctor sees with horror that the nurse is struggling to shake the patient. - What are you doing? You're crazy!
"I'm sorry, doctor, but I forgot that the medicine I gave him should be shaken before use
The doctor asks the patient:
"Tell me, are you deceiving your wife?"
- Well, of course. And who else?

The doctor, having examined the patient, said:
- You need to do daily massage with an electric vibrator.
"It's unnecessary, doctor," the patient answers. "I'm already going to work with a trolleybus."

War, bet. Stalin asks generals:
"Do you agree with the plan of attack?" Marshal Zhukov?
"I agree, Comrade Stalin."
"Marshal Voroshilov?"
- I agree.
"Marshal Rokossovsky?"
- I agree.
- Good. But we must also learn the opinion of Colonel Brezhnev.

Monday - the snowflake.
Tuesday - Nedoplyatnitsa.
Wednesday - Small Friday.
Thursday - Great Friday.
Friday is Great Friday.
Saturday - Wide Friday.
Sunday - Deep Friday

Two friends look at photos of men. One asks:
"Would you give it to me?"
- She gave it!
"And this?"
"And I would give it to her!"
"And this?"
- Not! I do not even get it to him ...

Signboard on the door of the company:
"Dear girls, if you came on a job offer,
then before you enter, please pass the following test:
1. Walk away from the door in two steps.
2. Place your hands behind your head, put your elbows forward.
3. Slowly move forward until you touch the door.
If your elbows touched the door earlier than your chest - we are very sorry,
but we are forced to abandon your candidacy.

A naked Georgian is standing in front of a mirror, admiring himself. He looks at his hands and says "Biceps!", "Triceps!" Unfolds, looks below "Oh ass !!!", turns to the front "Ee-ee to lend her daragoy!"

A man breaks into a pharmacy, makes his way to the counter:
"Quickly!" Let me go! There, a woman lies!
The queue parted.
He addresses the seller:
"Condom, please."

There is a Wolf in the forest. See, the Hare for ears in the century is tied.
- Hare, what are you doing?
- Well, life zadolbal. Decided to hang himself.
- Who is so hung up, the neck is necessary.
- I tried - I suffocate.

A naked Georgian is standing in front of a mirror, admiring himself. He looks at his hands and says "Biceps!", "Triceps!" Unfolds, looks below "Oh ass !!!", turns to the front "Ee-ee to lend her daragoy!"

WOMEN'S VERSION
- Wow, you made a new hairstyle! How amazing!
- True? So it did not seem to me, when I immediately looked in the mirror. Do you think they are not very keen?
- No, you, everything is fine! I also wanted to make myself a haircut, but then I thought that I had a very round face. So it's better to leave it as it is.
- Are you serious? You have a beautiful face! So you can easily make yourself one of the new haircuts that are now in vogue, you will have a terrific look! I also wanted to do something to myself, but I did not want to open my neck.
- So you have a beautiful neck, I would like that! Then these huge shoulders would not be so obvious.
- Yes you're crazy! I know girls who would give everything for having such shoulders as you. You are dressed like that! Look at my hands, do you see how short they are? If my shoulders were wider, I would not have any problems with the choice of clothes.
- Come on, do not make me laugh! After all, all the men fall to your feet! Okay, it's late, I must get away. Till! - Bye see you later!

MALE VERSION
- What, fooled?
- Yeah.

"Vano!" Do you like tomatoes?
- There are - yes, and so - no.

The boy is sitting and guessing at the daisy:
- Dast, will not give, give, give, give, give ... Shit, again will not!
So, who's on the list next ... number 132 - Marina ... Dast,
will not give...

The year 1910. Monya is following Deribasovskaya. He sees the institution of Madame Rosa. He walks in. The requestee is asking. He sees that a Negro woman costs 50 rubles, a Japanese 25 rubles, a Russian 10 rubles. Monya kicks off and finds only 3 rubles. Madame Rosa, in order not to miss the client, agrees to serve Monya for this money herself.
1930 year. Monya is following Deribasovskaya. The institution is seen by several elder Madame Rosa. He walks in. Madame Rosa, seeing the old friend, loudly cries: "Abram, son, come here soon, your dad came!" A healthy child appears and begins to beat Monya with concentration. Monya tries to snap out and cries: "Son, thank you, that I did not have 50 rubles!"

- Lieutenant, but tell me: what are the eggs most often beat?
- About the saddle.
- Oh, yes, no - about the SKYLOCK!
- A frying pan? In the eggs? It's funny, sir!

The people of Britain are very fond of skating.
So this country is called: "Great Britain".

- Do you have problems with rodents?!? Knock them teeth and you will have problems with suckers! ..

God turns to the angel to come down to earth and see how the students of the Moscow State University prepare for the session in order to help them in a difficult moment. Two weeks before the session:
B. How are the students of Mehmat?
A. The books are read, they are prepared for the exam
B. And Fizfaka?
A. Drink.
One week before the session:
B. How are the students of Mehmat?
A. Problems solve, they prepare for the exam.
B. And fizfaka?
A. Drink.
The day before the session:
B. How are the students of Mehmat?
A. Have prepared, relax.
B. And Fizfaka?
A. Praying.
B. Well, we will help them!

Idyt two drunken manzhik on the night street. One of them says:
"You see, the house is ahead of us?" This is my house. But you see, on the top floor illuminated window? This is my window. But you see, outside the window in the room the woman is running around? This is my wife. But you see, for that woman muzhik chasing? It's me.

Q: Can a son of a genealogy become a marshal?
A: No, sweaty that y marshal has his sons.
***
Q: Can an ass settle on asphalt?
A: Yes, if it has a blue form and a striped rod.

The men in the tent are sitting, suddenly they hear in the distance someone yelling
- In% of the
They were cautious, shouting again, but closer
- In% of the
We prepared truncheons, shout again, even closer
- In% of the
Suddenly they hear the cry again very close
- In% of the
We went closer to the entrance, suddenly a peasant looked in and asked
- Are there any muzhiks?
Three deaf blows - Б_У_М, Б_У_М, Б_У_М,
- In% of the

"I just do not know what to do," says the fisherman. - The third time, returning from fishing, I find on the bed of his wife's lover.
"You will not go fishing any more?"
- Well, here's another. I'll just make the legs by the bed.

One friend asks the other:
"Have you already slept with my wife?"
- What a question! I would never go for it.
- Well, in vain - it is much better than yours!

The Georgian entered the restaurant and turned to the waiter:
"Give me a list of dishes."
- Can there be a menu? - He answers.
- When we sing, you can also tebyu.

Question: What is the relationship between a female programmer and a guinea pig? Answer:
Guinea pig has nothing to do with the sea, nor with pigs.

The peasant came from the village to the city. I found my mistress, she lived on the ninth floor. They lay in bed, suddenly a bell. Mistress:
"Get in the closet!"
"Why in the closet?" I prefer vegetable gardens, orchards:

Two play in the sea battle:
- 4D
- wounded
- 4D
- wounded
- 4D
- You, what, a sadist?

-Witch, dress up, we'll take you to grandfather and grandmother.
- Mama, I do not want to go to them.
-Witch, let's go faster, otherwise we're late.
-But there's such boring stuff!
-Snow, do not be capricious, it's now 8.00, and at 17.00 we'll pick you up.
-Well, and what will I do till five in the cemetery?

- When can we assume that a man has turned from a lover into a husband?
- When instead of flowers he starts to buy greens.

Spring. The sun is shining brightly. A sparrow flew, saw something shining on the roof. He flew up and sat down. It turned out to be a glass. The sparrow sat on the glass, it swayed, fell from the roof and rang.
The old woman peeked out of the window to ring the glass, but leaned too far
I could not resist and fell. On her rumbling another old woman leaned out,
but leaned too much could not resist and fell. On the second roar
the third popped out, but leaned too far, could not resist and fell ...
It was spring, the sun was shining brightly. The sparrow had long since flown away,
The glass has long ceased to ring, and the old women all fell and fell ...

With Rabinovich they talk in OBKHS:
- You have a summer residence!
"Is that so bad?"
- Do you have a car!
"Is that so bad?"
"Your wife has a mink coat!"
"Is that so bad?"
"But your salary is only one hundred and fifty rubles!"
"Is that good?"

Winter. Fierce frost. In front of the store there is a line for milk. The director of the store comes out: - All milk is not enough, the Jews let go!
Soon he appears again:
- Still, milk is not enough, let the non-Party people leave! Then he goes to the remaining communists:
"Comrades, only you, as the most conscious, I can tell the whole truth: there is no milk!" Among the Communists murmuring.
- Here are the Jews! "Only one speaks with malice." "It's been an hour since they've been warming up at home!"

"Rabinovich, why did you buy a thousand sets of portraits of members of the Politburo?"
"I will open a shooting range in Israel!"

- The doctor at me depression.
- Plunge your head into work. What are you doing?
- I mix concrete ...

The patient complains of insomnia:
Tonight, for example: woke up 12 times and never fell asleep after that.

- The doctor is it true that an experienced doctor makes a diagnosis on the appearance of the patient?
- Of course, you have for example sclerosis, diabetes and urinary incontinence.
- Как же Вы догадались?
- У Вас расстегнута ширинка, рядом мокрое пятно, а над ним вьется муха.
Отрывок из аськи:
- Привет крошка!
- Ну, привет.v - Приходи вечером ко мне, опять потрахаемся!!
- Вам наверное моя дочь нужна?
- Да, Сергей Николаевич.

К сорока годам у него ничего не осталось зачесывать на макушку, кроме морщин.
Женщина имела цветущий вид - она цвела, как болото.
Женщина не иголка, всегда найдется в стоге сена.
Девушка в мини-юбке пытается залезть в автобус. Но никак не может ногу закинуть на подножку. Тогда она расстегивает сзади молнию на юбке и снова пытается.
Bummer. Расстегивает еще шире и тут нахальные мужские руки подхватывают ее за икры и подсаживают в автобус. Девушка с возмущением:
- Мужчина, как Вы смеете?
- Ну после того как Вы мне два раза расстегнули ширинку, я подумал, что могу рассчитывать на взаимность.
У молодой пары долго не было детей. Им посоветовали съездить в Рим и в соборе святого Петра зажечь свечу... Через несколько лет человек, который дал совет супругам, случайно попал в тот городок, где они жили, и решил навестить их. На пороге дома его встретила ватага ребятишек мал мала меньше.
- А где ваша мама? - Спросил советчик.
- Она в роддоме.
- А папа?
- А папа поехал в Рим задуть какую-то проклятую свечу!

Идет Красная Шапочка по лесу, видит - под кустом сидит Волк. К. Ш. - Дяденька Волк, а почему у вас такие большие уши? В. - Чтобы лучше тебя слышать, девочка.
К. Ш. - Дяденька Волк, а почему у вас такой большой нос? В.
- Чтобы лучше нюхать
мясо, девочка, и вообще, не задавай глупых вопросов! К. Ш.
- Дяденька Волк, а почему у вас такие большие глаза? В. - Девочка, я тебе сказал, отвяжись - что не видишь - я какаю!

- Некоторые моменты в армейской жизни мне нравятся! - заявил новобра- нец. - Это какие же? - спросил его другой рекрут.
- Когда мы маршируем в столовую.
- Согласен. Однако между этими моментами больше любить нечего.

Военный водитель рядовой Смит был доставлен к начальнику полиции. Начальник обратился к дорожному полицейскому:
- Итак, вы предполагаете, что водитель управлял грузовиком в нетрезвом состоянии?
- Здесь и предполагать нечего, - ответил полицейский. - Он целый час простоял перед красным фонарем, установленным перед местом, где ведутся дорожные работы ожидая, когда тот сменится на зеленый свет.

- Почему у вас зеркало над весами? - спрашивает приятель у продавца. - Э, милый мой, ты плохо знаешь женщин, - ухмыляется тот.
- Когда можно полюбоваться собой в зеркало, станут ли они смотреть на стрелку ве- сов?

В магазине женщина выбирает метлу. Перебрала все, что были, потом заставила продавца принести еще со склада, снова перебрала все сначала.
Через два часа продавец уже взмок, наконец, она выбрала:
- Вот эту.
- Мадам, вам завернуть или так полетите?

- Мадам, - говорит продавщица в отделе шляп покупательнице, которая мучила ее шесть часов, - может, вы все-таки наденете шляпу, которую выбра- ли, а то сейчас на вашей голове коробка от нее!

- Курсант Браун, - рявкнул инструктор, - почему вы не слушаете лекцию? - Я слушаю, сэр.
- Тогда повторите мои последние слова.
- "Курсант Браун, почему вы не слушаете лекцию?"

Hа остановке стоят пенсионеp и пионеp.
И вдpуг пенсионеp чихает.
Пионеp: - Будьте здоpовы !
- Thank you.
- You are welcome.
- Да не стоит.
- Да ну что Вы.
- Hе умничай !
- Пошел на $%^!

Жена "нового русского", отчаявшись вылечить мужа от импотенции, увидела факира, играющего на флейте, от звуков которой из корзины поднимается кобра.
- Послушай, а если ты также поиграешь на флейте,
у моего мужа член встанет как кобра ?
- Конечно, - отвечает факир.
Привела она его домой, а муж после очередной тусовки лежит и отсыпается. Сел факир в уголке и давай наигрывать на флейте. Вдруг у мужа под одеялом между ног зашевелилось и одеяло стало приподниматься. Одеяло поднимается, поднимается, а жена быстренько раздевается и с восхищением откидывает одеяло, а там метровый глист стоит и покачивается в такт флейте.
Ротный построил солдат и объявляет "Кто быстрее всех забьет косяк тот поедет домой, время пошло ..." Ротный :" А ты Сидоров почему не забиваешь ?"
Сидоров : "А я уже дома..а".

War. В окопе сидят два солдата и раскуриваются, на них едет танк. Один солдат говорит другому : "Вань бросай гранату".
Тот говорит : "Давай сделаем по напасу и тогда бросим".
Сделали по напасу. Первый говорит :" Вань танк уже близко, давай бросай гранату". А второй ему : "Ну ты чего пристал, хочешь, бросай сам". Подъезжает танк, из люка вываливается накуренный фашист и спрашивает : "Ну вы чего, гранату то будете кидать ?" А те ему :
"Да что-то нам влом. А вы почему не стреляете ?" Фашисты :"
А мы ствол запаяли чтобы кумар не уходил !!!"

Пришел мужик к доктору, и говорит:
- Доктор, у меня на руке вот какое-то пятнышко и болит.
Доктор посмотрел:
- А, это хуйня. Хуйню не лечим.
Через некоторое время опять пришел мужик к доктору:
- Доктор, у меня уже большое пятно, и чернеет.
Доктор посмотрел, и говорит:
- А, это ху%$я. Х#$ню не лечим.
Через два дня опять пришел мужик к доктору:
- Доктор, у меня вот какая-то х...я на руке, почернело все и на голове волосы выпадают.
Посмотрел доктор, и сказал:
- Э-э-э милый, это не хуй.я, это уже пиздец, а пиздец неизлечим...

Договорился грузин с пассивным голубым.
Только засадил ему, а голубой:
- Oh!
- Что такое, дарагой?
- Сердечко екнуло!
- Э-э, сэрдечко мы уже прошли, ты шляпу держи...

Надпись на стене в провинциальной гостинице:
"Это после этого в окно не бросать!! А то гуси давятся!"

Выходят из кабинок туалета русский и англичанин.
Русский протягивает руку англичанину и здоровается.
Тот нехотя дает руку и говорит:
- У нас в Англии вообще-то после туалета моют руки.
Русский отвечает удивленно:v - А унас в России вообще-то на руки не ссут!!!

Пpиходит мужик к диpектоpу циpка. Говоpит :
- У меня чудестеый номеp
-В чем же он заключается ?
- Я игpаю на контpастах
- А по подpобней ?
- Hу, это - вывозят на аpену бочку с деpьмом, потом взpывают...
Весь циpк в деpьме...
И тут появляюсь я - во всем БЕЛОМ ...

Около нашего историко-архивного института была забегаловка под названием Бутербродная. Со всеми тогдашними причиндалами совкового общепита - грязными столами, гнутыми вилками, тетями в грязно-белых халатах. Короче, то, что называлось раньше - тошниловка. Идешь, бывало, с подносом вдоль прилавка, набираешь всякой еды невообразимой, а в конце стоит чан с кофе, наливать нужно самому. У чана стоит поднос со стаканами гранеными, помните, были такие по двести граммов с гладкой дужкой наверху. Так вот, около чана стояла красиво оформленная цветными карандашами табличка. Там было написано - КОФЕ В СТАКАН НЕ ЛЕЙ ДО КОНЦА, ПОРЦИЯ В НОРМЕ ЛИШЬ ДО КОЛЬЦА!
(то бишь до этой дужки, обозначающей, видимо, эти самые двести граммов). Примечательно что находилась эта бутербродная на улице 25 Октября.

Эта реальная история произошла летом 1980 года. После завершения третьего курса студенты ЛИИЖТа отмечали это событие. Мой сосед по комнате имел привычку ходить по бордюру второго этажа, но только когда пребывал в состоянии, в котором он и оказался в результете вышеупомянутого отмечания. Текущий проход по бордюру завершился падением, переломом руки. В общем ерунда - но в скорой помощи зафиксировали факт опьянения какой-то там степени.
На следующий день в общагу приходит куратор его группы (были у нас такие преподаватели) и спрашивает меня - по какому поводу была пьянка? Я ответил, что "наверное" из-за завершения сессии.
И тут она говорит: и вы так часто пьете!!!

Военная кафедра МГУ на Манежной. Майор объясняет про час Ч.
- Объясняю один раз коротко и ясно. Час Ч - это то время,
когда ваши яйца должны зависнуть над окопом противника.

- Леночка, скажи - ты хорошистка или ударница?
- Да не ударница я, я на пианино играю!

Пацан с кентом по телефону разговаривает, а в комнате родители.
Теперь такой разговор получается:
- Я сегодня не приду.v -......
- Сам чудак
-......
- Сам чудила
-......
- Сам чудик
-......
- И вообще пошел на чуд, чудораз, разчудился здесь, понимаешь.

Охотник пошел на медведей охотится, подходит к берлоге, внутри пошуровал - никого. Ружье в сторону отложил, закуривает, вдруг сзади медведь. Охотник видит - ружье далеко. Хрипит: "Это пиздец".
А медведь:
Я тучка, тучка, тучка,
А вовсе не пиздец,
Ах, как приятно тучке
По небу лететь.
Ах, в синем-синем небе порядок и уют,
Поэтому все тучки охотников ебут.

Идет судебный процесс. The judge asks:
- Обвиняемый Беридзе, расскажите, как было дело..
- Как било дэло, как било дэло! Иду по лэсу, вижу малчик бежит, думал дыкий.

В трамвае женщина передает парнишке билетик чтобы тот прокомпостировал, смотрит,
а он уже дырявый.
- Да ведь он же уже прокомпостирован!
- Nothing! Там еще место есть!

Девушки в Черном море купаются. Вдруг чувствуют - их под водой кто-то раздевать
начинает. Они: - Караул! Помогите!.. А из под воды: - Тышэ,
дэвушкы! Это мы,
дэлфыны...

Обкуренный наркоман сидит на кухне. Звонок в дверь... Встает. Идет к двери...
- Who's there? Оттуда: "Конь ТОПОТАМ"
- Ид-ди ты нахуй! Оттуда: "ТО-ПО-ТАМ, ТО-ПО-ТАМ, ТО-ПО-ТАМ..."

There are two. Первый - Не поверишь, я вчера такую красотку в постель уложил!
Второй - Везет. А мне одни старухи попадаются... И два вируса гриппа разошлись по своим делам.

Пришел один человек к знакомому в гости.
- Good afternoon! Что это у вас на пороге черное и кудлатое лежит?
- А как вы прошли?! Это же очень злая собака!
- А я об нее ноги вытер!

Пpиходит пpапоpщик домой и с поpога жене:
- Жpать давай!
- Милый, возьми сам в холодильнике. Я так за день yстала, пpямо ни pазy не пpисела!
Пожалел пpапоp женy и велел ей пpисесть. Тpидцать pаз.
- Мамочка, а почему конфета называется "яблоко"?
- Потому что туда добавляют яблочного сока...
- Теперь я понимаю, почему некоторые конфетки называются "Кис-кис".

Встречаются два новых русских:
- Братила, ты слыхал песню о нас, новых русских?
- О нас, да ну? Hапой.
- "Весь покрытый зеленью, абсолютно весь..."

Кто рано встает - тот далеко от работы живет.
Ничего на свете лучше нету, чем скрипеть кроватью до рассвету!
Надпись в туалете: главное не добежать, а донести.
Налоговый инспектор это такой человек, который всегда приходит на выручку.v Ревность - подозрение, что изменяешь не только ты, но и тебе.
Вот что плохо в питье водки с утра - трудно будет провести день разнообразно.
Живу лишь тем, что вынес с презентаций.
Лишь вдоволь позанимавшись сексом, ВРЕМЕННО понимаешь, что это - не главное.
Сколько мусорное ведро ни утрамбовывай - выносить все равно придется.
Продавать наркотики детям каждый дурак может, а вы их попробуйте алгебре научить!
Мало кто знает, что если ударить кулаком в стекло, то получится схема московского метрополитена.
Наш девиз непобедим - возбудим и не дадим!!!
Я не грустный, я трезвый.
Грех предаваться унынию, когда есть другие грехи!
Лично я вкладываю деньги в водку! Где еще можно получить 40%?
Как быстро летит время: не успел проснуться, а уже опоздал на работу.
Loneliness is when you always know who cheated in the kitchen.
Обходя разложенные грабли - ты теряешь драгоценный ОПЫТ!!!
Мы слишком редко видимся, чтобы при встрече пить чай.
Переходя через дорогу, смотрите не на светофор, а на машины - светофоры еще никого не сбивали...
Меня выгнали из дома. За непосещаемость...