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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

- Dad, where do the children come from? - Oh, son, if I knew it then! ...
A footman enters the living room: - Sir! The car is filed ... Will you take out the garbage?
In the perfume shop: - Madam, do you need perfume for attack or for self-defense?
What is your favorite disease? - Scabies. Why - Scratched and still want. And what is not like? - Hemorrhoids, neither to look, nor to people to show.
What is the next? - This is an organized trip to the store.
Can mother-in-law kill with cotton? - Yes, if you screw the iron in it.
For the general of the Pentagon, a display of electronic equipment was arranged, allowing to conduct combat operations while sitting in a safe place. Having descended into a comfortable underground bunker, the generals found themselves in a large hall filled with electronic equipment with various displays, buttons and switches. A voice echoed through the hall from the loudspeaker: “You are in the control center for the fighting.” All operations are carried out automatically. You press a button, and the missiles rush towards their targets. By pressing another button, you make strategic bombers fly. Another click on the button - and the submarines with missiles on board attack their targets. The equipment is absolutely reliable. Errors are excluded ... Errors are excluded ... Errors are excluded ... Errors are excluded ... Errors are excluded ...
Inspecting the ranks of the soldiers, the company officer addressed the sergeant accompanying him: “Tomorrow the inspectors will come to us.” Put that novice in the second line. His nose is too long. “So I did it already, sir,” the sergeant replied.
Penalty private summoned to the company office. When he came out, a friend asked him: - What did the sergeant say to your explanations? - Nothing. I just lost two front teeth, which I had long been going to pull out.
If you find yourself in full ass - take a round-robin defense. A person can learn wisdom in three ways: read wise books, learn from wise people or pee on a bare wire under tension ... A black woman in 45 is a woman-prune again! I went to do something so that there were two of us ... You can not fry nails for the festive table? Call us now. City Psychiatric Hospital. If you often sweat your palms, think - and not whether it is grease ... He sat down under an artificial Christmas tree, drank a can of non-alcoholic beer and became the usual movements to inflate a rubber woman! From the notes of the miser: "The new year went well, did not give anything to anyone ...". It seems to me that the toast of the chief at a corporate party: "May all your dreams come true next year" is very often a deep success ... Hurry up! Pirated copies of the President’s New Year’s address to the people on the occasion of the upcoming 2007 are already on sale! Hit of the season: women's panties, piggy bank.
Girls, you want to live like Madonna? Dress like Madonna? Ride a car like Madonna? Go and work like Madonna!
Tank? Why be afraid of him? It is enough to turn it over - and it will not do anything to you ...
- God, well why so: the whole ten commandments? Maybe let them be five? - Moses, do not bargain! - And where does it say: "Do not bargain"?
Under the new year, half-drunk bees ravaged the sleeping bear's den, while shouting: - If you like medok, love and chill!
- I repeat once again: before you take the jump from the plane, strongly pull the ring, and when this dear tzatsk is removed from the finger, throw it back into the salon under my feet. Just in case...
- Girl - are you walking so sweetly, dropping your eyes on the road with beautiful eyes, probably out of excessive modesty? - Yes, Nah ... So that no snot come!
- Sick, I have two news for you, good and bad. Where do we start? - Let's bad news and not a word about good! - Why ?! - You see, I am a journalist by profession ...
Did you know that ... An attempt by Darya Dontsova to paint a pen ended with a new two-volume book.
Yesterday in the Sheremetyevo-2 suffered, but then failed to citizen Petrov.
- Why did Uncle Petya ride the bike to the dacha faster than Uncle Vasya by car? - Because Uncle Peter was sober.
News feed. According to the Russian press from places of deprivation of liberty - bird flu has spread to people - a massive death of roosters has been recorded.
Yesterday, a double-murder was committed in Kitay-Gorod: unknown persons shot two hundred Chinese ....
Explain who is the thread - why do so many animals appear in our city? Sincerely, resident of Bobruisk.
- Hello, the police! - Yes! - There are two drunken Niger showcase torn! - In the sense - two blacks? - In the sense - two afroraspizdya!
- Why are they left with their mother when they divorce? - A woman judge cannot allow a child to receive a normal upbringing instead of anger and envy ...
In a Moscow grocery store, one saleswoman says another: “Len, you hear — there is a drunk buyer shouting that he is Ukrainian!” - Well, sell him fat ... - Len, he screams that he demands respect ... - Well, sell him oranges!
Night bell - Doctor, come soon! My husband told me about the international situation. And with his manner of gesticulating ...
Drunkenness fight! What a fight ... surrender is necessary ...
Surprisingly, with the word "cant" - only 15% recall the doorway, 10% look at the "wasted" and only 5% about fish ...
A sign on the lawn next to the parking lot: "Who puts on the lawn - that darned ...".
- Are you talented? - Why do you think so? - You have a very small sister.
In the Moscow zoo, the leopard Senya went mad, trying to eat a gazelle ... The driver managed to jump out.
A man and his wife are on the market. We went to the meat row. The man began to ask the price, to bargain, decently hit the price. Bought meat, move away with his wife from the counter. And here the seller purposely loudly says to her neighbor: - Hey, Masha! But last week he came with another! This is how to bargain in the market! Itself is more expensive ...
Sleeping women are very similar to men ... They also know how to snore and fart at the same time.
Our company provides everything you need for your business: American technology, German execution, Italian design, Moscow roof.
The last thing Pavlik Morozov heard before his death was: "There you are, bitch, not an extra ten bucks" ...
A call to the ambulance: - Help! My husband overeat and wants to sleep! - Girl, drink some more ...
- Dad, buy me a snake, Dad - well, buy it! - What are you, son, little enough? Look back - mom is standing behind ...
The doorbell on the threshold of a neighbor: - Neighbor, you can ask for a loan? - How many? - Yes, I used to marital debt, as you can ...
The orderly at the morgue saw the next member who had just received a huge member and called the nurse to see ... She looked and said: - My husband has the same! - Same big? !! - The same dead ...
Is he. Lying on his back, his hands behind his head. A woman has been crawling all over his body for half an hour, trying to somehow arouse him ... He lit a cigarette: - And do you often? ...
The editors of the newspaper, runs in the main: - So - stop, layout! We remove this article, we put an urgent announcement in its place ... - Well, Vanvani-s-ych ... We're already going home ... - Calmly, colleagues: paid. Local Bank. - Oh! Another thing! What text? - Text as usual: "The bank urgently needs a security guard, a cash collector and a cashier." - How to arrange on the page? - They paid well, so you need to arrange something more noticeable ... Ah-ah, here: circle this ad with a fat black frame.
A man comes home with a live goat in her arms and finds his wife sitting in front of the TV. - Look, dear - this is the same cow that I make love with when you have a headache ... My wife looks at him contemptuously and says: - Lord, you are so stupid that you cannot distinguish a goat from a cow. .. - God, you're so stupid that you can't understand that I'm talking to a goat!
Two new Uzbeks lie on the beach. One says: - I want to be a minister. Minister carry a car. You can lie and do nothing. Another, - And I want to be a serpent. - ??? - She even walks lying down!
In the bakery the buyer asks: - Tell me, do you have buns with poppy seeds? - Maybe you also give a loaf of heroin?
A Negro is riding in a taxi, holding a little monkey in his hands, which always grabs the driver and prevents him from driving. Negro calms monkey - Nikki! Do not shawl! Nikki! Do not shawl! Monkey continues his. The taxi driver turns to the monkey: - Nicola! Dad must obey!
The office, which is engaged in the repair of mobile phones, includes two: a healthy new Russian, all hung with gold, and a ma-a-scarlet, shabby intellectual. A new Russian comes up to the window on which it says "Receiving and issuing orders", pulls a phone out of his pocket and throws it out the window with the words: - What is this tops !!! An intellectualist runs out from behind his back, sticks his head in the window and says: “Excuse me, Nikolai Petrovich asks why the phone is not working?” The girl living on the other side of the window takes the phone and carries it to check. After a while she comes back and pulls out another Russian phone, they say, that is broken, look at this one. New Russian picks up the phone: - What is this tops?!?!?!? Intellectuals: - Nikolai Petrovich wondered how he works?
Announcement at the entrance: "Dear residents, the district government asks you to pay gas bills before the end of the month. In case of non-payment, gas will be flowed through the ventilation pipes."
The car at full speed, flies through a red light, barely beats the bike, knocks down the grandmother, and finally crashes into a pole. A woman sitting behind the wheel turns to a glass-eyed peasant in the next seat: - Well, dear, did your hiccup pass?
The guy comes back from the pub at night. Beer asks exit. Lift not working. The bullet takes off on the 7th floor, frantically opens the door - and tiptoes to not wake his wife, unbuttoning his pants on the run, rushes to the toilet. With a jerk the door opens and sees such a picture - on the toilet, the mother-in-law sits in a nightgown with a player and listens to the Brothers Grim. Her eyes slowly round and focus below the waist. In the silence of the night, only music can be heard ... First of all, the muzhik does not stand: - Mom, what are we waiting for? !! Chlo-o-opay eyelashes - and take off!
How much vodka do not drink, the body is still 80 "consists of water
A man rides on the track in a wheelbarrow, and behind him a crocodile is tied behind his leash and runs after him. Crocodile zanadstvuet: - Well, legs in the sand, tummy in the sand, face in the sand. And so all the way. A man stops, throws a crocodile in the trunk and goes further. A voice from the trunk: -Well, paws, prichisl, tail, prichischl, muzzle prichischl ... A man stops and pulls a crocodile out. - Well, here again - the paws in the sand, the tummy in the sand, the muzzle in the sand ... The man turns wild and throws the crocodile into the trunk again. - Well, as always ... feet beheaded, tail he beheaded ... What a tedious you are, man !!!
A mole climbed out of the ground on the beach, right between the legs of the tanning girl ... sniffed and said: - Hedgehog you chtol? .... chtol died?
Two friends talk: - You know, if my boyfriend does not congratulate me on his birthday - he will have such a fucking ... - Sveta, he meets with you - he is already fucking !!!
Hemingway sits in a bar in Cuba, daiquiri sips. And at the next table two bearded men sit and drink rum glasses. Here the waiter politely puts the bill on the table, and the bearded men, scratching their curly beards — don’t, they say, shove that bill ... you don’t see the beard — we are from Fidel Castro police. We got up and left.
Two others sat down in their place, drank vodka with sandwiches and also refused to pay - you can see the beard, they say, we are from the Fidel Castro police.
The waiter, almost crying, bears the bill to Hemingway, and he without hesitation says - no, I will not pay. The waiter quietly okhuevaet - and you, gringo, why? Hemingway unzips his fly and, showing curly hair, he says - and I'm from SECRET police.
- So, our graduate of the MGIMO Faculty of International Relations, holder of grants from Belgian and Dutch universities, MBA graduate and Microsoft certification holder Maria Maria Petrova is visiting our program today. Maria, tell us about yourself, what do you live, what are you keen on, besides your studies, scientific activities and work as a top manager. - I am fond of water polo, photography, non-linear video editing, curling, oral sex, anal sex, group sex, I have five swinger clubs .. - What are you talking about ??! WHAT ARE YOU CHEATING!?!? - I whip macrame, stitch embroidery, knit crochet ...
Love girls in peace and war ...
War. Soldiers are sitting in the trenches and shooting back. Suddenly a contented soldier from the next trench tumbles in: -You are sitting here. - Well, war. We shoot at enemies. -And in the next trench the nurse gives everything. What is everybody? Yes, absolutely. - And in the ass? -Yes of course. -And take in your mouth? -No not taking. -And why? -And her head was blown away with a grenade!
A terrible animal wound up in the forest - ebunchik. He didn’t have any more from him, so he’s got all the trouble. And the beasts went with a bow to the Serpent Gorynych. - Bail out - they say - three-headed! I will not save from this parasite, how you will be distracted - it is right there, and there is no place to go ... And Serpent went to deal with this miracle in the forest. For a long, short time, he went out into the clearing, in the middle of the clearing — a stump, and someone was sitting on a stump. - Who are you? - asks Snake. - Why, the local ebunchik called, - the animal responds. Here the Serpent as it floods, flaps its wings, it flames with fire, it just does not let the smoke out of its ears - it causes fear. Noisy, poshumel and menacingly asks: - What, scarecrow, scary ?! - Oh, scary! - replied the animal. - For the first time such a terrible e ** I will be!
A man wakes up one morning, walks up to a mirror. Look, and instead of the navel - a nut. Well, he decided to go to the doctor. Comes: - Doctor, here I have a nut instead of a navel. Help, eh? The doctor looked, felt, shrugged his shoulders: - Does she, the nut, bother you? - No, no ... - Well, let it be so. Medicine such a disease is unknown. The man returned home. And everything is dumbing for him: what kind of a nut is this? I took the key and unscrewed it. Just unscrewed: broads - ass fell off. Moral: do not look for adventure on your ass.
- Do you like to drink beer with squid? - No, I like more with friends ...
... During your work in our company an error occurred. Try to quit and get a job again ... My favorite stage of intoxication: I can still walk and talk - but it's already fun. Give me half a liter of vodka - and I will tell you how to bring the country out of the crisis ... If a person is attracted to everything negative, it means that he is so positive, or he is simply rubbed hard on an ebony stick. According to the military enlistment office, the average Russian draftee is a gay Hare Krishna suffering from flat-footedness. I look at you and see - vodka is not enough! The first chat for autists has opened ... According to the chat rules, only one user can be in it. It is foolish to try to have time to explain something verbally between blows to the face - it turns out vaguely and you have to repeat often. If your boss is the last bastard, don't tell anyone about it! It’s better to wait for someone else to say it, and then tell the boss. Let's add to the existential contemplation of this vodka its empirical perception ... ... The system engineer performed an unacceptable operation and will be repulsed.
- Why does Tymoshenko have such a strange hairstyle? - At the request of Yushchenko. - What about him? - It is convenient when she has a steering wheel on her head ...
- I caught cockroaches in the apartment yesterday. Three had to let go. - Why? - They have the documents in order.
Client: - I need an apartment with a back door. Broker: - Here it is. Client: - Where is the front door? Broker: - So you also need a front door? !!
- Do you have a separate bathroom? - Yes! Toilet on the balcony, cistern in the kitchen ...
The girls swam in the lake, Their hopes were justified ...
A call to the hotel administrator: - The light in the room is hindering me and the water in the bathroom rumbles, how can I turn it off? - You see, we have an all-inclusive hotel.
Scientists crossed the rabbit and Pavlov's dog. God forbid you enter the cell and turn on the light.
- Grisha, what did we drink yesterday? - Dry. - Why am I wet? !!
From life. A couple of days ago, manager Sasha called his wife and said that he would come home very late. Then he got into the car and rushed home. - Well, how? - I ask him the next day. - Snooze? - Still would! I knew that when I was gone, she was putting on my slippers !!!
Alexander Lukashenko, following the wishes of 97% of the population of Belarus, put forward his candidacy for the election of the Pope of Rome.
“Why was Yulia Tymoshenko appointed prime minister of Ukraine?” “Because she cannot be a member of the government!”
- Want to once and for all tie with the past? - Break the hard drive!
Morning crush on the subway on Monday. Woman, loud: - Young man, do not breathe on me! - And to whom should I breathe? - I do not know, I do not care! - So me too!
2100 In the Dutch Episcopal Church there are fierce debates about the possibility of recognizing heterosexual marriages.
He saw her and exclaimed: - Wow! She replied to him: - This is - no!
“It’s not for nothing,” said Winnie the Pooh, taking a vibrator out of his ass ...
The teacher takes away the playboy from the student: - I want to see your parents tomorrow! - Why wait until tomorrow? Here they are - page 42-43!
The case in the sex shop. - Could you show this inflatable model? - Here is just your size. - Is she fresh? - Of course, here is the date of manufacture - January 2005. - Oh, Capricorn ... No, it does not suit me!
- Failure ended with a jump from the Ostankino tower without a parachute. - Although, as - failure? The jump, in principle, took place ...
Caucasian McDonald's: - Free grill!
Upon learning that Eve sinned with a serpent, Adam caught the Serpent and sinned with him for it three times.
Do you know where the name "tampon" comes from? Zoologists have such a notion “tampion” - this is a small ball of bear moss chewed with saliva. For this hibernation bear, this glomerulus plugs an anus to itself so that ants do not crawl in !!!
Provincial registry office, young people apply. Worker registry office: - Maybe you open the hall? Groom: - Do not. - Maybe call the musicians? - Not. - Video, photography? - Not. - (with irritation) At least buy a case for a marriage certificate !!! Groom, calmly: - Thank you, I have stayed with the last time ...
- Girl, are you resting alone or with a friend? - With a friend of a friend.
- Girl, what are you reading so fat? - My medical book. - Oh, sorry - it seems to me that my wife is calling ...
“A gypsy woman told me that I would find my wife at the resort.” - Try to dig here in the sand.
Two at dusk by the sea. He: - Do you want me to get a star from the sky for you? She: - Maybe something better material? He: - Well, now that buoyk has been dragged over.
- Grandma, why do you have such big eyes? - Angela - so let's go, the client is waiting. Stop banging - think about it, met your grandmother on the street ...
A dog sits in front of a pile of meat and eats. Another runs up to her and asks: - Where did you get so much food from? - Here are the pieces from the cat selected. - But other? - And the rest is a cat ...
From life. The other day I was walking with a colleague on Leningradsky Prospect and saw a booth with a newspaper of something like “Gazeta of our district” with nine fierce faces in the whole turn. Nothing else, they are looking for someone again, I thought, and went to read closer ... And what do you think was written there ?! << DID YOU KNOW YOUR REGIONAL KNOW? >> !!!
- Petrov! - Yes, Marya Ivanovna? - Two, Petrov! And do not argue with me!!! Petrov, what are you writing! Well, no, what are you writing ?! "The horse stepped away" ... You would have ... Hee-hee ... You would have written: "In Velazquez - Rembrandt Hamster!"
- Girl, what do you have for this garbage? - Glamor, fuck!
... To this question, the chief deputy assistant to the head and curator for social problems and part-time chief accountant of the analytical department of special projects of the central department of political science and economics international programs at the Center for Open Foreign Policy Innovative Technologies of the Institute of Socio-Economic Problems of the Transition Period of Underdeveloped African Countries of the Russian Academy of Sciences Vasily Zuckerman answered : "Not".
In one park there was an old-style toilet. It was demolished, and the pit was not buried, only a little above it was covered so that it was not visible. And here come two hard workers, one tall, and the other one on his shoulder, for some reason turned off the path - and landed right in this pit. High pit just on the chest. But the little one ... He is standing on tiptoes and his head is turned up, and still the contents of the pit reach him to the chin. They stood, stood, tired. High begins to make attempts to get out. And a small quiet voice asks: - Vasya ... do not hesitate ... do not hesitate ...
Mom with her daughter, Muscovite, on the Odessa beach. Daughter: - Mom, mom, sma-a-atri - meduza! Mom: - What is myaduz in a pie? Cla-a-afan ...
On the operation. Surgeon: - Clamp ... Tampon ... Scalpel ... Tampon ... Suction ... ... - Sister! Blowjob is a tool!
From the testament: "Brains expose in the anatomical theater in the bank with formalin and the inscription" Do not fuck! "".
The husband comes home, his wife meets: “Why does it smell like alien perfumes from you ?!” - Yes, you know, my dear - the secretary, such a fool, put on make-up, took out the perfume - and inadvertently sprayed me ... Time passes. Husband comes from work. Wife to him: - We have news ... I'm pregnant! - Duck is how so ?! Yes, I'm protected !!! - You know, my dear, my boss is such a fool ... I carried out a personnel check - and accidentally splashed at me ...
A young Russian guy married an American and went to the states. After a while, he writes a letter to his parents: - Dear Mom and Dad. Katherine and I are fine. We live together, the truth came one embarrassment. My Catherine has no milk and we gave our baby to be fed to a single Negro woman and imagine if he suddenly turned black. Parents after a while write the answer: - Dear our boy, we are very worried about you. You know, when you were born with your brother, your mother also did not have milk and you were fed cow milk. But the horns have grown only one you ...
Stirlitz got into the car. My head was spinning convulsively: "And I will sit in a convertible ..." "The roof has moved down," thought Stirlitz.
The favorite phrase of the theoretical physicist: "You see, we were mistaken only an order of magnitude".
A little son comes up to his father and asks: - Dad, tell me what politics is? - I will explain to you on the example of our family. Look: I make money, so I am the Ministry of Finance. Mom is the farm, it means the government. Grandfather ensures that there is order in the house - it is trade unions. The housekeeper does all the housework — she is the working class. Everything we do is for you, then you are the people. And your one-year-old brother is the future. - Clear? - Not. - Well then, go to sleep. In the middle of the night, the son wakes up from the cry of his brother. He gets up and goes to the bedroom to wake up mom. After unsuccessful attempts to do this, he goes to the kitchen where dad makes love to the housekeeper, and the grandfather watches this through the keyhole. After that, he returns to his bed and continues to sleep. In the morning he meets his father and says: - Dad, I understood what politics is. - Tell me. “This is when the finance ministry fucks the working class, the government sleeps while the unions watch from the outside, and the people don't care, and the future is in shit.”
...China. 70s. There was a bite of the population. All in a panic, the population perevalilo for milliard. Requested assistance. The Interstate Committee takes a decision: all countries build their own clinics to carry out the castration of the male half of the population. First Japanese built. Reported: 2000 operations for jackets. All in exaltation. The following reports are about the completion of the construction of the Americas: 6000 operations per item. All in exaltation. Then papskie paport
: 12,000 operations in five minutes. All at a loss. Sent commission for verification. The Commission sees a huge field, surrounded by a barbed wire, there is an officer with a policeman standing there and commanding: - In one thing, go and shoot! ... Napra-a-ah! ... Nagi-and-and-bass ... Neighbor eggs in zyb-s-s to take! Then he comes to the back of the last one and gives it in the balls from all over. The sound is heard distant: - Hpym ... hpym ... hpym ... hpym ... hpym ... hrym ..
Last week before Easter, train, coupe, coupe two - Georgian and Ukrainian. The train started, the Georgian got out of his suitcase chicken tobacco, kebab, lavash, khachapuri, matsoni, Kindzmarauli, a lot of all greens and fruits, and invites the Ukrainian woman to share the meal with him: - Hurt yourself, daragoy! A Ukrainian, modestly lowering her eyes and squeezing her bundle in her hands, replies to him: “I can’t give a damn ala, I have a great piste. Georgian: - Slyushay, daragoy, big pussy, Malenky pussy, you still need to eat!
Sex secrets of the peoples of the world:

The number of "once a week" for the average man: Korea - 4.5 Greece - 4.2 Romania - 4.08 Philippines - 3.95 Russia - 3.87 Worldwide average - 2.8
The number of parallel connections for the average prodigal man: Brazil - 11.37 USA - 8.77 Australia - 8.54 United Kingdom - 8.28 Greece - 8.25 World average - 7.65
The number of generous men willing to spend any amount to please a lady: Indonesia - 64% Portugal - 51% Poland - 42% Netherlands - 40% Italy - 39% Worldwide average - 31%
Percentage of men willing to pay for sex: Korea - 42% Brazil - 34% Philippines - 32% Greece - 31% Russia - 26%
Percentage of men practicing "sex for one night": Portugal - 81% Brazil - 76% Australia - 65% Russia - 65% Spain - 63% World average percentage - 58%
Average duration of petting (in minutes): United Kingdom - 17.44 Australia - 17.20 Germany - 16.92 Mexico - 16.91 Czech Republic - 16.43 Average duration of petting around the world - 15.78 minutes
The number of positions available in the arsenal of the average man: Hungary - 8.27 Argentina - 5.76 Spain - 4.63 Brazil - 3.95 Greece - 3.83 Worldwide average - 3.35
Percentage of men who had threesome sex: Brazil - 19% United Kingdom - 18% Australia - 18% USA - 17% Russia - 15% World average - 14%
The percentage of men who give a partner an orgasm with each sexual intercourse: Italy - 60% Hungary - 58% Philippines - 54% Indonesia - 54% Netherlands - 50%.

My friend the pathologist works. A man so unsociable, taciturn, unsmiling. Even with his eyes he does: MORG, MORG ...
End of the form - Doctor, thank you! You operated so well on my brother ... this is for you! - No, well, what are you ... - Take it, take it. - No need, well, where ... - And where should I put this leg? Come on, take it!
- How to prove mathematically that the party line is straight? - Each point of this line is an inflection point. Therefore, at each point the second derivative is zero, and this is the characteristic property of a straight line.
- The club announced a lecture on the theme "The people and the party are one." No one came. A week later, the lecture "Three Types of Love" was announced. People crowded - darkness. “There are three kinds of love,” the lecturer began. “The first kind is pathological love.” This is not good, and it is not worth talking about it. The second kind is normal love. This is well known to you, this is also not worth talking about. There remains a third, highest kind of love - the love of the people for the party. We will talk about this in more detail.
A collective farmer quarreled with his wife and threatened to join the party. - I'll give you such a shame, bitch!
- Honey, do you like my erection? - Oh, yes, dear, she is adorable! - Well, handmade
In the bath: - Kolya, I did not understand, what are you - a Jew ?! - Why do you think so? - You have a circumcised member! - Well, let's not cut, but bitten ...
Grandma climbs into a crowded bus and shouts: - Be careful, men! Eggs do not pierce! A man to her: - And cho, grandma, bought testicles? - No, I'm carrying a bag of carnations.
Phrase in a crowded bus: - Young man, take off your glasses! You will tear me tights!
Rides Schwarzenegger in the bus. Suitable controller: - Your ticket! - I'm Schwarzeneger! - So what? Your ticket! Schwarznegger pulls out an iron ruble, puts it in a composter and composts it. The conductor tears the ruble: - It would be so long!
Husband unexpectedly returns home. Wife urgently hides her lover in the closet. The husband takes off his jacket, opens the cabinet - sees a stranger naked man who is holding the crossbar with one hand. - What are you doing here? - asks a bewildered husband. - Yes, here, in the tram food. - Well, you said! - Well, you asked!
A crow sits on a branch and sees: a cow climbs on a tree. Crow: - Cow, what are you doing? Sdurela? Why do you climb a tree? - Eat apples! - So this is a pine !! - And I have with me!
The young little guy takes the first day to the post ... He came, he was met by a bison, a terry old traffic cop: - The post is cool. Money sea. Work, you will not be left without bread! And go home (after the change :) ............. A day comes to change the young: - Well, how? Many have gained something? - Yes, what the fuck is there "turned out" .... I dined even for my own ... - Uh-uh, son, you don’t know how to work. Look here as it should. Pulling a condom out of his pocket, waving his wand, the truck stops: - Breathe into the phone. - Phew ... - So .... Pyany ......, we are going for the examination. - Well ..., this is ...., chief ..., dear, let go, I will give money ..... - Pass. Swinging a wand, the following car slows down: - Breathe into the phone. - FFFFU. - So .... There is a reaction to alcohol, we are going for an examination. - Commander, forgive for God's sake, do not ruin, now take the money better. - Pass ... Swipe wand. - Breathe into the phone. - Why are you giving me a condom? - Sober. Drive through