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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories


Stopping a private soldier who did not salute him, the officer said: “Listen, private soldier!” You don’t see what form on me? The soldier examined the officer from head to toe and answered: “You are lucky, sir!” Now look what they gave me.
The doctor examined the hand of Private Field and asked where he damaged it. “Yesterday,” the soldier began to explain, “I was returning from dismissal ...” “So what?” - And someone stepped on my hand.
The young Builds driver returned to the garage on foot late at night. - Where is your truck? the commander asked. “Two miles from here.” “Why didn’t you bring him here?” “It was already dark, and I could not assemble all the parts, sir.”
The village .. complete devastation, the owner is a complete bukhar. The chickens are all dead, there is nothing to eat. A barely alive cow, cat and dog Sharik gathered for advice. Cow: - That's it! I can’t do it anymore! Another week of such a life - and I will die! I’m leaving for the collective farm, although it’s shitty, but it’s fed. Cat: - Yes, and I’m probably going to the city. After all, a lot of rubbish, I will not die of hunger. And the ball is silent. They told him - well, what are you up to? - And I, says, will tolerate another week. - ??? - Yesterday I heard the hostess say, "Another week of such a life - and we’ll suck everything at Sharik ..."
Two penguins are flying. One to another: - How do you get this fly? Fat. Fatty. The wings are tiny. - Look at yourself, freak!
- You are brothers? - No, we are twins. “And what are the twins not brothers?” - Not always - we, for example, are sisters!
The bartender says to a friend: - What a sorrow! Yesterday, one of our regular customers died. Wonderful person. Every day I drank at least 30 glasses of beer and 2 liters of vodka. “And from what did he die?” - I have no idea.
Walking chicken in the woods. The Georgians caught up with him, caught and raped him. The chicken could not stand it and died. A Georgian man lifts him, strokes his head and says: "Chicken, small, zholtenky, fluffy, fucked and baits ..."
Bobby ran into the living room with a cry: “Mom, mom, some man got into the nursery and kisses our nanny.” Mom dropped the knitting and rushed to the stairs. “April Fool’s joke,” Bobby laughed. - This is our dad.
Long New Year holidays are given to a Russian person so that he can drink and eat everything that he has accumulated over the whole year.
Up to 30 years, a woman drives away all the goats from herself, and after thirty tries to lure the remaining ones.
You can only accurately distinguish a girl from a non-girl once.
Fat women can only be loved on a desert island where there is no other food.
Angry dogs are needed to drive away good people ...
You can take the girl out of the village - but it is practically impossible to take the village out of the girl.
I never get drunk when I get drunk. At least I do not remember such cases.
So two hearts joined ... A mess in the operating room!
Some men spend money in casinos because they are not able to do it in the literal sense.
Requires a programmer without bad habits (annual computer upgrade).
The Klitschko brothers did meet with the world champion! Fucked Kasparov!

“Are you in Paris?” Have you left a will?
- My God! Who do you look like?! - I tell you the truth! I can take on any look!
- And why is the general on the monument depicted in such a pose? - Yes, he was supposed to be on a horse - but the municipality did not have enough money to figure a horse ...
Holiday - Day of the system administrator. On this day, drunk system administrators will rage, bathe in fountains, beat storefronts, grab random passers-by by the breasts and growl viciously: "You don’t administer the bitch of Windows!"
In kindergarten: - And now Dima will tell you the story "Case in the Forest", which he invented. - I did not come up with anything. They really were naked!
- What are you doing over there? Getting rid of black dots? - No, from white tracks!
There are classmates, drunks, have not seen each other for a long time. The first carries one bottle of vodka, and the second - five. Second: - Why only bought one? - You know, you don’t really get to the teacher’s salary! - What are you - a teacher ?! - Not me - the wife!
A conversation between two friends: - It turns out that all summer I was rubbing my husband not with sunburn, but with ski ointment. - Probably the poor fellow burned out? - the second asks sympathetically. - No, only the socks are bent!
Two friends meet. One says: - Count up, I met the girl of my dreams and we got married! Second: - And show me her photo! He looks and is surprised: - And this is the girl of your dreams? - You see - when I dreamed, I was depressed ...
A man comes to a fortuneteller. She throws the cards and says: “So, the first thing you should remember is that a treasure is buried near your home.” “No, but that's too much!” Have you conspired with my wife? Can you talk about anything other than her first husband?
At the physics and mathematics seminar, Ashot Aganesyan refuted probability theory using a ball and thimbles.
At the birthday of the father-in-law, who drives a Cossack, the son-in-broker pushes a toast: - Well, dad ... You have so much health that you could catch up with a Mercedes ... And we will help you sell the apartment!
“Captain, how so?” - shouted from the board after the sailing boat. “You must leave the ship last!” “You are the last,” answered the captain, working the oars hard. - I leave the ship to you!
Dagestanis did not buy Dosya washing powder for a long time, until good people explained to them that the pig is not part of the powder!
A young family (14 and 15 years old) is looking for a family friend with a passport to buy alcohol and cigarettes.
- Mother! Mother! I went to the pond for a sweet sedge! But there is someone scary living in the pond! I'm afraid of him! “Well, firstly, I’m not my mother, but Senior Lieutenant Ivanov, and secondly, whether it was sedge, you will tell us now!”
Horror stories. One man washed at night in the bathroom. Inadvertently dropped the soap. He bent down and looked - and huge hairy hands stretched to his feet and soap from his shoulders!
Hospital. The nurse - to the doctor (in a whisper): - Doctor, I have a patient there - the one that is new is quacking at some squeaker. Maybe call a psychiatrist? Doctor: - No, don’t. This is a professional hunter. He probably asks for a duck.
- To stand! Present documents! - And what, in fact, is the matter? - Yes, nothing ... The documents are in order. What are you doing here? - Imagine - walking ... - Gentlemen, it’s not customary to walk here! Although no one forbids - but walking here is not worthy for respectable and mentally healthy gentlemen ... - Why is this ?! - Here are minefields ...
“What are you so busy with, neighbor?” “Yes, I’m making a chair for my mother-in-law.” I had to master so many new things: carpentry, painting, and upholstery ... - And there is still much left? - Not. There was only work left for a real specialist - for an electrician.
- How does a woman look like a grenade? - Safe while with a ring ...
Science news. The tenth planet of the solar system is open! This is the fifth tenth planet discovered over the past few years ...
Why is a small light bulb with a smaller base called a minion? Because it is easier and more convenient to take in your mouth than a regular lamp.
- Guys! Right here and now tell me: is homosexuality normal? - Well, yes, in principle, fine! - Hello, mom? Yes, yes, I'm fine!
Children play in the camp. The counselor asks the question: - The most unexpected place for a piercing for a girl for you? - Neck! - Coccyx !!! - Heel !!! Little Johnny quietly, philosophically says: - The most unexpected place for a piercing in a girl is a dick!
The inscription on the tombstone: "Petrov Oleg Pavlovich 1970-1990. Petrova Olga Pavlovna 1990-2005. This man lived two short, but very busy lives!".
The television game "What the fuck?" Participants are looking for a prize hidden in the window of a sex shop for one of the dildos ...
Communal apartment. A little girl accidentally closed in the toilet and cannot get out of there. All the inhabitants gathered around the toilet and vied screaming out the door: - Do you see such a small little heck? - Upstairs, upstairs! - Pull to the left! - No, right! To the right! Push! - To the left! and so on. Behind, another little girl imperceptibly approaches, looks at adults and quietly so, to herself: - Ahuyut ... Ford Bayard, fucking ...
A guy bought a ticket for the World Cup from an employee. When he arrived at the stadium, his seat was in the very last row and also in the corner. After some time, he noticed with binoculars that one place was free, in the 10th row from the field and right in the center. He decided to take a chance and, slipping past the cops, sat in this place. Sitting down, he asked the man in the neighborhood if this place was taken. The neighbor said no. Guy: - This is so amazing! Who could, having such a place, not use it! After all, this is the World Cup! Neighbor: - Actually, I bought this place for my wife, but she, alas, passed away. This is the first World Cup in which I am without it. Guy: - Very sorry. But really, you could not find anyone at this place? Maybe a friend or relative? Neighbor: - No ... They are all at her funeral now.
One girlfriend complains to another: “I just can’t wean my husband from returning home late ...” “Nothing complicated,” the second answers, “when my Seryozha arrives at three in the morning, I ask so sleepily:“ Is that you, Andryushenka? ”
The couple quarreled, and the wife moved into the living room. Two weeks later, her husband knocks on the door. - Leave me alone! - screams the wife. “Look at me first with what I knock!” - the husband answers.
“Does your husband still love you?” - Fortunately, no. During this time, he has already learned something!
I feel like I’m Ukrainian and Chinese. Kitayts pitaє: - How old are you in Ukraine? Ukrainian: - That is 50 miles !!! Kitayts: - Oh, so you one and the same mabut in exposing the know?
- Girl, can I meet you? “Yes, and what can you interest Me with?” “Well, you know, my mental and sexual possibilities are endless.” - Aah! So you are that moron who already all zat @ chal !?
I wake up. After yesterday's friendly drinking party, the head simply breaks. Without opening my eyes, I hear my wife about to leave somewhere, she approaches the bed: - Fry vodka, juice and bacon in a pan. - Oh! Honey, why vodka ??? “Have you drunk the last brains?” I say HERE A PIECE OF SALAD, FRY IN A Frying Pan!
Bear: - Hey, Eagle! Have you seen my pigtail? Eagle plaintively: - Misha! Take me out of here !!!
Well, again she saws me, threw my socks under the sofa, and in general I am dirty and I breed unsanitary conditions. I got it, now I will show you unsanitary conditions. - Honey, and when you cook soup, do you throw a bay leaf there? - Oh sure. - Do you wash it first? - No, why? “So he's dirty and he's got a million germs.” - Well, you're an idiot, maybe you can also wash tea? - The tea leaf is heat treated in special ovens. “Well, in the soup, the lavrushka will boil, and all the germs will die.” - Yeah, and I along with them. So that you know when the Indians dry it under the sun, they walk on it with dirty unwashed feet, spit there and blow their nose. And from the end they have a tripper dripping directly on the leaves. Are you in my soup? So that’s why I’ve been drifting lately! Do you want to poison me? - Which Indians, which gonorrhea? Look, it's packaged in Moscow! LLC Ten Cooks. - Yeah. Two Tajiks and eight Uzbeks. In Moscow, the bay leaf does not grow. He is brought from India in dirty bags. And then in some basement near Moscow, the unwashed from birth Uzbeks lay his hands in bags on bags. And with the same hands they poke around in the ass, you know that they do not use toilet paper and do not wash their hands. Lick the shit from the fingers and then pack the lavrushka. Are you in my soup? I look, half of mine almost vomited. I gathered my strength and moved the last argument: - And my mother never washed. And nothing! Where is your dad now? I know that, Vladykino cemetery, sector 23. Apparently. she thought the same thing, her lips are shaking, tears are in her eyes. It's time to finish off. - You’ll become a widow, you’ll remember - and here, under the sofa, Petya kept his socks. - AAAAYABUDUMITLAVRUSHUUUUUUUUUUUU !!!!!!!! - tears in three streams. “And let socks lie under the sofa?” - you need to squeeze the maximum out of the situation. - DDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!! - Well, that's good, why are you roaring? Well, think of it, lavrushka ....
- You are Ukrainian - where is your national pride, you were an excellent pupil at school, you have two higher educations, a clever husband, and beautiful children - and you, damn it, working as a prostitute, you can’t give the client a normal blowjob ?!
The Germans are asked: - What car do you drive to the store? - At BMW - And abroad? - Well, abroad, in a Mercedes. They ask for a phrase. - What car do you drive to the store? - on Renault! - And abroad? - Abroad at Peugeot! Then they ask ours: - What car do you drive to the store? - on the trolley bus! - And abroad? - And we do not go abroad! - Well, if necessary? - And we do not need! - Well, if V-O-O-O-O-T is so necessary? - Yes, we do not need! - Well, if V-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-T is so necessary to the throat? - Well, if V-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-T so much to the throat, then on the TANK!
Bill Clinton is flying a two-seater with his wife, she is offended by something and he decides to amuse her. He nods to the pilot: - Do you want me to give him $ 5, will he kiss my hand? She: - Fi .. - Do you want him to give him $ 100, will he kiss my leg? She: - Fi .. The pilot turns: - I’ll throw the bowls right now, you’ll suck me ..
The plane flies from Moscow to Kiev. The stewardess stops near the man and says: “Do you want me to tell you something, that you will laugh from Moscow to Kiev ?!” - ... well - Your fly is open and the tip sticks out! Man: - Do you want me to tell you something, that you will laugh from Kiev to Moscow !? - ...? - It's not the tip, it's all!
A young surgeon in the military enlistment office wants to impress the young nurse. Says one of the recruits: - Roll back the head of a member. Sunset. Nurse! See what a romantic sunset!
You understand that you live in 2006, when: 1. by mistake, you print your system access password on the microwave 2. you have a list of 15 numbers to contact your family of 3 people 3. you send e- mail to your colleague who sits in the next room 4. you lost contact with your friends or family because they do not have an email address 5. after a working day you return home and answer the phone as if you were still at work 7. you you get into a state of panic if you leave the house without a mobile phone and you are in you turn up after him 8. you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is connect to the Internet, even before you drink coffee 9. you bow your head to the side to smile: 10. now you read this text, you agree with him and smile 11. even worse, you already know to whom you will forward this message 12. you are too keen to notice that number 6 is not on this list 13. you only needed a second to run through the message again and make sure that the numbers 6 really not. NOW YOU LAUGH. Come on, send this to your friends. You want it so much!
Chemistry exam. The student fails the exam and it is already clear that the end. Someone from the commission jokingly asked a question: - Please tell me the formula of sparkling water. A student with anger in his voice: - How do you like it, with or without syrup?
Husband and wife sunbathe on the beach. Suddenly, the husband asks: “Tell me, dear, what is the name of the creature, which has thirty-two legs, green eyes, a red and hairy little body, in brown and blue stripes?” “I don’t know,” the wife is angry, “you know that I don’t like riddles.” But still, what is it? “The fact of the matter is that I myself don’t know,” the husband answers, “but I still try to throw him off your back!”
A young man enters a bar, sees a beautiful girl there, walks up to her and says: - Hello, baby, let me fuck you? The baby gets up, gives him a knee between his legs, he bends, she takes the carafe from the bar and smashes it on his head, the dude falls, the baby begins to beat him in the face, under the breath, in the ribs ... Then she gets out of the way. After a few minutes, the guy gets up with difficulty, comes up to her again and says: “As I understand it, you won’t take it in your mouth either?”
“How are you, a respectable old man, and stealing cars?” “Is it my fault that during the years of my youth there weren’t so many cars?”
The judge asks the accused: “Do you admit that you hit the victim with a brick on the head?” - I admit. But his crooked legs were even before that.
“And you say that your husband, who is barely standing on crutches, has beaten you?” - You see, Mr. Judge, when he started, he was not yet standing on crutches.
The guy persuades the girl to give him a blowjob. She does not agree - the taste determined by her is supposedly disgusting. The guy promised to take it out at a crucial moment. He promised - fulfilled it, and right in the eye. She yells: Vasya! ink! ink!!! Bob in response: pa-pa-pa-pararara-pararara-ra-ra-rarara!
TENOGRAM OF NEGOTIATIONS WITH MANAGERS OF THE SOFT TOY FACTORY DEPARTMENTS AFTER F. DZERZHINSKY ON THE IMPLEMENTATION OF THE MANAGEMENT SYSTEM ON THE MYSAP.COM PLATFORM
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CHIEF ACCOUNTANT
- Hello, hello, is this bookkeeping? - Oh, and what? “May I speak with Marivanna?” - Oh, it's me, but what? - Marivanna, I’m from T-Systems, my name is Dmitry. - Oh, my God, are you a sys? - No, not me ... pah ... in the sense - not you, that is - you, pah, well, in general it doesn’t matter, and not systems, but systems, well, systems in English, in the plural ... - Oh ... - So, we want to offer you to introduce a system on the platform of the Mysapcom. Have you heard anything about this platform? - Lord! Not. Where is it? “Ah, Marivanna, you don’t understand!” This is not in the sense of the platform, they just say that, but it means just a modular system that can be configured at the request of the customer. - Oh ... - So what are you working on now? Probably for 1 s. So, 1-s is not able to provide the functionality that glanders provide. I'm not talking about integration with other systems. After all, you probably want to, for example, warehouse transactions automatically generate accounting, or, here, you will have Western investors and you need to report by gaap, or sell for export, because in two currencies you need to keep records. And, in general, glanders can do anything. Here, what are your main problems in the business process now? Let's just look at a specific example of how glanders can help you. Even if I can’t answer right away, we’ll ask the glander himself, prepare a presentation, well, in general, give you a complete picture of the system’s capabilities ... - Oh ... Well, what are the problems now? Well, yesterday, Ksenia also became pregnant. And she was the last. The rest had become pregnant before and had long gone on maternity leave ... But this conscientious one was, and she herself was not pregnant, and worked for everyone. And I have an annual report ... I, now, I think if they took turns, or if Ksenia suffered another half year, Natalya should leave after the second, and if she leaves again, then it’s no longer scary, there’ll be two they’ll come out, though, according to the first, well, they’ll work for six months anyway, so I won’t stay alone for the next annual ... And? Or what do you think? Cheat? - Uh, well, I honestly don’t know ... We, as it were, are doing a little different ... - Maybe it’s really possible to send them to this platform of yours, maybe there will be fewer peasants around ... Although, these they’ll get it everywhere ... But maybe not all at once ... Oh, well, in general, come ... Just let them be married or not so interested in it. Better yet, bring your accountant for two weeks. A?
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CHIEF ENGINEER
- Hello! Hello. Vasilivanych? - Yes sir! - Vasilivanych I am from the company T-E-S-I-S-T-E-M-S. - You look ... - Yes, and so we want to offer you to introduce the most modern hierarchy system on boards ... uh ... based on the Mysapcom. - In what! “Have you heard anything about this, uh, thing?” I will tell you in a nutshell. In general, glanders contain all the modules that can provide automation of a wide variety of business processes. At the same time, a unified information space is created, automatic transactions, the formation of analytical reports ... reduction of losses ... our team has gained considerable experience ... - So, tell me right away - will you hammer the walls? -?! Vasilivannich! What are you, it's completely different! The Mysapcom is just a program, well, consider the air, why do we need ... - You do not teach me, I have a technical education, but a higher education. And if you will peck the walls, I want to warn you right away - get the approval from the architects and firefighters themselves. I will not do this! And then they put me drying in the general’s toilet. German After all, I immediately warned that you can’t just hollow the walls. And these fag took and hollowed out! Immediately everyone ran up, yelling, they wanted to bring to justice. These walls, you see, were last renovated under Catherine. Also, I fucking found historical value. Yes, the whole city has not been repaired since the time of Ivan the Terrible. Houses are strewed - poke a finger. Last year, the plumber drunkenly drove his head under the washbasin. So then he was raked out for two hours from under the bricks. Half a wall fuck .., in the sense, fell. Why the hell to me is this relic? They would take a piece of the wall, take it to their fucking place ..., in the sense, a museum of local lore, and, fucking, I would be allowed to build a normal concrete building. And then hammer this fucking ..., in the sense, a wall under this your garbage, how is it there? - Mysapcom ... - Vo-in, I say. At least May, at least June, at least a bastard, at least a district committee, and these dolboyebov themselves courted. If you get permission, come. By the way, keep in mind that the fireman is not drinking right now. So, how will you agree with him - I won’t know ...
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SUPPLY
- Semyon Semenych? - Well. - Hello, my name is Dmitry. I'm from the company ... - Well. - Uh, well, then I’m immediately to the point. We want to supply you with a system. - Well. - Um, I’ll talk a little about functionality. Are you interested in all logistics or only purchising? You will probably be interested in automation of the assessment of the need for materials? For example, a new toy model is launched. With ears but no tail. Sap can automatically calculate your need for components, make a procurement schedule ... - There is nowhere to put. -?! - Put, I say, nowhere. The entire warehouse is clogged with these ears. Why count them. They will last for fifty years. Left hind legs - for ten years. But there are no goals. Sewing ears is nothing. Previously, they were made from earflaps. The military will be taken away and taken to us. And now they have reduced the army, earflaps are not enough even for a monthly plan. Call Sales. If they have a place in the warehouse, then they will put this to you this thing. But only on Euro pallets. They ship products on Euro pallets. Then the products are written off, and the pallets are sold. Full mess. Merchants are bad. You need to plant such. - Uh, thanks, got it. What is the name of the sales manager? - Semyon Semenych. - Ah, your namesake? - No, the name and patronymic are written in reverse order. -?! ... uh ... got it, but tell me the phone? - The last numbers are 3-3. - How are you? - No, they must be dialed in the reverse order. -?! ... uh ... got it, I'll call you now. - Call after dinner. In the morning their head is not busy. If it can be called a head.
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SALES
- Semyon Semenych? - Yes!!! My dear!!! How glad I am to hear from you !!! Did you know that our factory produces a large range of excellent soft toys, which are in great demand both in our country and abroad !!! Our factory employs highly qualified specialists with vast experience in the production of the most complex products, bringing joy and unforgettable experience to our children and their parents !!! We deliver !!! When buying more than one toy for one child, payment is made ... - Semen Semenych! Sorry to interrupt, my name is Dmitry, I ... - Dmitry Mikhailovich! It’s very good that you called! We just launched a new bear in production. A sight for sore eyes, not a toy. He will become a true friend to your child! By the way, do you have a child? “Yes, two, fifteen and twenty-one years old.” - Wonderful! This is the most suitable age! Our bear will help them become real people, he will inculcate in them a careful attitude to nature, teach them to love people and respect their parents. He ... By the way, I advise you to take two. Or four if you are already planning grandchildren. Do not pull with this. I mean your grandchildren and our bears. Children grow quickly, bears - rise in price. So I would take eight in your place. Do not be lost! They are made of natural fur. In the end, your wife can rip them apart and sew a vest for you. Now the winters are cold, but how do you drown - you yourself know ... - Semyon Semenych! I talked with Semyon Semenych from the supply, he advised ... - Yes, yes, I know. This is me. I work part-time in the supply before lunch. The supply manager was planted a week ago. If they now put the chief of sales, then the previous chief of supply will come out, his term is just ending, and he will be half-time for me. So you can not worry about anything. Your order will be reliably executed ... - But, I wanted to offer you ... - Of course, of course. I remember it well. Procurement is simply ugly. They can not calculate their reserves. The biggest problem with the ears. They joke that the ears will last for fifty years. And if not enough ?! How can we build our sales strategy with such accuracy of forecasts? So, if your products are on euro pallets, then I advise you to call the supply and talk with them. They must for some reason not switch to Euro pallets. Otherwise, they will never establish normal records. By the way, how many pallets does your product take? They need a hundred pieces. In principle, you can first deliver them separately pallets, and after three months, you will have to deliver the products as well. - But ... - The head's name is Semyon Semenych. The phone is like mine, only the last two digits need to be dialed in the reverse order. And don’t delay buying bears. Who knows what prices will be after me.
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Sewing shop
- Hello, girl, hello, is this a workshop? - Yes, what’s your name? - Dmitry, I can speak with ... - And me Masha! Are you married? - Very nice, yes I am married, so I can do it ... - Nope. Burned out. - ??? - Yeah. At work. Three days did not leave the office. Drank. So it burned down. Teplenky was taken away by ambulance. But, if you do not care, then talk to me ... Although, it would be better if you were single ... - Well, fine. You see, we suggest that you implement the system with the Mysapcom. - To me?! - Uh, no, of course, not only to you, - to everyone. This system ... - Girls !!! Heard the guys will come to us !!! Well ... this ... they will ... introduce ... Not, not only ... Everyone, I’m not an egoist, I already agreed ... * Girl voices are heard. * ... And where will they live ... ... and how many guys will be ... ... business trips ... ... you fool, Lyuska, in such a blouse ... ... maybe not everyone is married ... ... Zinka has a magazine, there are patterns ... ... and how many guys will be ... ... yeah, she has such a hairstyle for you will do that and no one wants to "implement" ... ... last time a whole team also came, and only one got married ... ... and how many guys will be ... ... you don’t need to go to the club, there’s TV, football will start - you won’t wait I ... ... if a married man goes here, he himself knows what he’s going to ... ... and how many guys will be ... - And how many guys will come? - Well, you see, it’s so hard to say, it depends on the volume of implementation, and it can be determined only as a result of a preliminary examination ... - Oh, listen, we don’t need to examine anything, our volume is o-very large, you want to send photos. We only have twenty truly unmarried girls, and ten more are that simple. Another section of the tails and legs. There are also a lot of girls and there is no one there, how is it with you ... <implement> ... - Girl! You do not quite understand me correctly. We are talking about a computer system that can provide: production planning, cost accounting, long-term forecasts of the volume of output, and so on, you understand ... - Yes, yes, I understand. Will the guys come married? - Masha! The project team includes consultants depending on the implemented functionality. So, how come. Married and single, men and women ... - Oh, and why? We have enough of our girls. So give us guys, and your girls, if you really need to, send them to our designers. It’s full of men. True, all are nasty. Ours do not like. Or drink or books and read. You come to them for drawings, you want to talk, so one bast does not knit, but with the other - nothing. And I’m not talking about <introduction>. So we work. Well, in general, come. If your guys are honest, then <implement>, we don’t mind. If only everything was human.
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DIRECTOR
- Lavr Fedotovich, hello! Thank you for the opportunity to get acquainted with the business processes of your wonderful factory and talk with specialists who ... - Well, you turned down about the specialists, of course, but otherwise, I want to say that you did a great job. Our loafers told me here. Especially satisfied with the sewing. The girls did not recognize. Prettier, serious somehow. It feels like you touched them for something alive. Indeed, it is time for us to begin the most serious transformations. And transfer the supply to Euro pallets, and marry the girls to give out and stop this anarchy in accounting. So let's, we will sign the contract. Only you do not import all pallets at once to me. And then Semyon will tell you. I know him from school. Forever, something will blurt out at the blackboard that not only parents, all relatives and neighbors are called to school! Ha, hear, I remember once he was asked <Who is the author of Eugene Onegin?>. And he take and blurt out - <Pushkin!>. The teacher was dumbfounded: Although wait a minute, it really is Pushkin. What did he blurt out then? I remember that they asked about Eugene Onegin, I remember that the teacher was dumbfounded, then they sent him to the director, damn, and forgot what he answered. Wait a minute, I'll call you on the inside. * A conversation is heard * ... Semyon, why did you teach the teacher about Eugene Onegin then?:. What are you, seriously ?! You’re giving! .. And she? .. And the director? .. And mother? .. Oh, I can’t .......... - Listen, well, he said that it was Pushkin who wrote it off from Lenin. So you yourself understand what Semyon will say must be divided in half. Fifty pieces are enough for a start. Well, with the guys in the tailoring do not pull. Now until they arrive, no one will work. And then, thank God, and then in such a state they will insist that children should not be shown. Hey, I remember twenty years ago they came to us from fraternal Africa to exchange experiences. Well, we decided to sew a souvenir for them, you know - a monkey. Hey, they say in the regional committee that it should be fun, working, well, in general, that the friendship of peoples, proletarian solidarity, and all that kind of dick ... Come. Well, we sit, drank, exchanged experiences, we give them our souvenir. And I didn’t follow what the girls sew there. Expand, fuck me! : there is a gorilla with a brutal grin, in a huge claw the cudgel holds a tail the size of a jackhammer, and sewn in front ... Then, they explained to me what the guests wanted to like. Oh, the hot girls were ... Guests liked it ... Now their daughters are working. Milk chocolate. And the character all went to mothers. So look, do not let us down. By the way, Masha, this is my niece. You should look after her so that she gets something more decent. If you decide to stay here, I’ll make the hostel right away, and the apartment as soon as my second child is born. Well, I'm waiting.
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SUMMARY.
Dear Alexey Viktorovich, according to the results of a preliminary study of the needs of the factory in automation tools, several functional areas have been identified, the effectiveness of which can be achieved through an implementation project. The heads of departments expressed some wishes regarding the forms and methods of the project. Summarizing everything heard during the negotiations, I consider it expedient at all costs to get the factory to hold a tender. To participate in the tender, attract all the companies known to us. Transfer to these companies all available materials about the factory, except for this transcript. If, despite this preparation, an unfavorable outcome of the tender cannot be avoided and we have to take over the general contract, we strongly suggest involving military units deployed in the area as a subcontractor. Also, when considering my further participation in this project, I ask you to take into account the state of health, age, marital status, positive feedback from colleagues, merit to the company, the fundamental principles of the humane treatment of prisoners of war.
With hope for understanding,
D. Kheifets