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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


Stopping the soldier, who did not give him the honor, the officer said: "Listen, private! Do not you see what form I'm wearing? The soldier examined the officer from head to foot and answered: "You're lucky, sir!" Now look what you gave me.
The doctor examined the hand of Private Field and asked where he had damaged her. "Yesterday," the soldier began to explain, "I was returning from dismissal ..." "And what?" - And someone stepped on my arm.
The young driver Builds returned to the garage on foot late at night. "Where's your truck?" asked his commander. "Two miles from here." "Why did not you bring him here?" "It was already dark, and I could not collect all the parts, sir."
The village .. complete devastation, the owner finished a bunny. The hens are all zgolili, nothing to eat. They gathered together a bare cow, a cat and a dog, Sharik for advice. Cow: - Everything! So I can not any more! Another week of such a life - and die! I'm going to the collective farm, although it's crappy, but they feed me. Cat: - Yes, and I probably will move to the city. As a pile of garbage, I will not die of hunger. And Ball is silent. They told him - well, what are you thinking of? "But I'll wait a week or so." - ??? - Yesterday I heard my hostess say: "Another week of such a life - and we'll all suck Sharik ..."
Two penguins are flying. To one another: - How can you fly it? Fat. Fatty. Wings tasty. - Look at yourself, freak!
- You are brothers? - No, we are twins. - And what - twins are not brothers ?! - Not always - we, for example, sisters!
The barman says to a friend: "What a grief!" Yesterday one of our regular customers died. A wonderful man. Every day, we ate at least 30 mugs of beer and 2 liters of vodka. "And what did he die of?" - I have no idea.
A chicken is walking in the forest. The Georgian caught up with him, caught him and raped him. The chicken could not stand it and died. He lifts the Georgian, strokes the head and says: "Chicken, small, zholtenkiy, pushyzhny, had sex and baiushki ..."
Bobby ran into the living room with a cry: "Mother, mother, a man came into the nursery and kisses our nurse." My mother dropped her knitting and rushed to the stairs. "April Fool's joke," Bobby laughed. - This is our dad.
Long New Year holidays are given to a Russian person so that he can drink and eat everything he has saved up for the whole year.
Up to 30 years, a woman drives away all the goats, and after thirty tries to lure the remaining ones.
It is unmistakable to distinguish a girl from a nedevushki only once.
Thick women can only be loved on an uninhabited island, where there is no other food.
Evil dogs are needed to drive away good people ...
You can take the girl out of the village - but the village from the girl can not be taken out practically.
I do not get drunk in my memory by drinking. At least, I do not remember for myself such cases.
Here are two hearts connected ... The bug in the operating room!
Some men spend money in the casino, because they are not able to do it in the literal sense.
Requires a programmer without bad habits (annual computer upgrade).
The Klitschko brothers did meet with the world champion! A fucking Kasparov!

"Are you going to Paris?" And left a will?
- My God! Who do you look like?! "I tell you the truth!" I can take any shape!
- And why is the general on the monument in this position? - Yes, he had to be on horseback - but the municipality had no money for the figure of the horse ...
Celebration is the day of the sysadmin. On this day, the drunken sysadmins will riot, bathe in the fountains, beat the shop windows, grab the passers by the queens and growl angrily: "You did not administer the bitch Windy!".
In the kindergarten: - And now Dima will tell you the story "Case in the Forest", which he invented himself. "I did not invent anything." They really were naked!
- What are you doing over there? Are you getting rid of black spots? - No, from the white tracks!
There are classmates-drunkards, have not seen each other for a long time. The first one has one bottle of vodka, and the second - five. Second: - Why only one bought? "You know, you're not going to clear up on the teacher's salary!" - You're a teacher !? "I'm not the wife!"
Conversation of two girlfriends: - It turns out that all summer I rubbed my husband not with ointment for sunburn, but with ski ointment. - Burned, probably, poor fellow? - sympathetically asks the second. "No, only my socks are bent!"
There are two friends. One says: - Estimate, I met the girl of my dreams and we got married! Second: - And show me her picture! He looks and is surprised: - And this girl of your dreams? - You know - when I was dreaming, I was depressed ...
A man comes to a fortuneteller. That card spreads and says: - So, the first thing you have to remember - near your house is buried treasure. "No, but that's too much!" Have you conspired with my wife? Can you talk about anything other than her first husband?
At the physics and mathematics seminar, Ashot Aganesyan refuted the probability theory with the help of a ball and napes.
At the birthday of his father-in-law, who travels to the Zaporozhye, the brother-in-law pushes a toast: - Well, Dad ... You have so much health that you can catch up with the Mercedes ... And we will help you sell an apartment!
"Captain, how is it?" - shouted from the side after the floating boat. - You must leave the ship last? "You are the last," the captain answered, working hard at the oars. "I'm leaving the ship for you!"
Dagestanians did not buy the washing powder "Dosya" for a long time, until the good people explained to them that the pig is not a part of the powder!
A young family (14 and 15 years old) is looking for a family friend with a passport for buying alcohol and cigarettes.
- Mama! Mama! I went to the pond for a sweet sedge! But there is someone terrible living in the pond! I'm afraid of him! "Well, first of all, I'm not Mom, but Senior Lieutenant Ivanov, and secondly, whether it was sedge, you'll tell us now!"
Horror stories. One man washed himself in the bathroom at night. I accidentally dropped soap. He bent down, looked - and to his feet and soap from his shoulders stretched huge hairy hands!
Hospital. Nurse - doctor (in a whisper): - Doctor, I have a patient there - the one that's new, in some kind of a whistle quacks. Can I call a psychiatrist? The doctor: - No, do not. This is a professional hunter. He probably wants a duck.
- Stand! Show documents! - And what, in fact, is it? - Yes, nothing ... Documents you have in order. What are you doing here? - Imagine - walking ... - Gentlemen, it is not accepted to walk here! Although no one forbids - but here walking is not worthy for respectable and mentally healthy gentlemen ... - Why is this ?! - There are minefields ...
"Why are you so busy, neighbor?" - Yes, I'm here a chair for my mother-in-law master. I had to learn so much new things: carpentry, painting, and upholstery ... - And there is much left? - No. Remained work only for a real expert - for an electrician.
- What does a woman look like a grenade? - It's safe, while with the ringlet ...
Science news. The tenth planet of the solar system is discovered! This is the fifth tenth planet, discovered over the past few years ...
Why is a small light bulb with a reduced cap called a "minion"? Because it's easier and more convenient to take in your mouth than a regular lamp.
- Guys! Right here and now tell me: is homosexuality normal? - Well, yes, in principle, normal! - Hello, Mom? Yes, yes, I'm fine!
Children play in the camp. The counselor asks the question: - The most unexpected place for you to piercing a girl? - Neck! - The coccyx !!! - Heel !!! Vovochka quietly, philosophically says: - The most unexpected place for piercing the girl - it's a dick!
The inscription on the tombstone: "Petrov Oleg Pavlovich 1970-1990.Petrova Olga Pavlovna 1990-2005 This man lived two short, but very busy lives!".
"What kind of dick?". Participants are looking for a prize hidden in the shop window of a sex shop behind one of the dildos ...
Communal apartment. In the toilet, a little girl closed inadvertently and can not get out. Around the toilet all the people gathered and shouted out loud: "Do you see such a small chink there?" "Upstairs, upstairs!" "Stretch to the left!" - No, to the right! Right! Push it! - To the left! and so on. Behind, one more little girl approaches imperceptibly, looks at the grownups and silently so herself: - Ahue ... Ford Bayard, fuck ...
The guy bought a ticket for the World Cup soccer from an employee. When he came to the stadium, his place was on the very last row and also in the corner. After a while he noticed through binoculars that one place was free, in the 10th row from the field and right in the center. He decided to take a chance and, slipping past the cops, sat down on this place. Sitting down, he asked the man next door whether this place was occupied. The neighbor said that no. The guy: - It's so amazing! Whoever could, having such a place, do not use it! It's the World Cup! Neighbor: - Actually, I bought this place for my wife, but she, alas, died. This is the first World Cup I'm without. The guy: - It is very a pity. But could not you find someone in this place? Maybe a friend or a relative? Neighbor: - No ... They are all at her funeral now.
One girlfriend complains to the other: "I can not disaccustom my husband to return home late ..." "Nothing difficult," replies the second. "When my Sergei comes home at three o'clock in the morning, I so sleepily ask:" Is that you, Andryushka? "
The couple had quarreled, and the wife moved into the living room. In two weeks my husband knocks on the door. - Leave me alone! the wife cries. "Look at me first, what am I knocking!" - the husband answers.
"Does your husband still love you?" - Fortunately, no. During this time, he already learned something!
Zostrichayutsya allegedly Ukrainian that Chinese. Китайєць питає: - Скільки вас в Україні живе? Українець: - Та мільйонів 50 !!! Kitayets: - Oh, so one single mabut in the guise know?
- Girl and can I meet you? - Yes, but what can you interest me? "Well, you know, my mental and sexual possibilities are limitless." - A-ah! So this is you are the moron who already has all the zatras @ hal !?
I wake up. After yesterday's friendly drinking bastka just splits. Without opening my eyes, I hear my wife go somewhere and go to the bed: - Vodka, juice and fat in a frying pan. - Oh! Honey, why do you need vodka? "Have you been drinking your last brains?" I say THAT IS A LITTLE OF SALT, FIRE ON THE SWEET!
Bear: - Hey, Eagle! Have you seen my kosyachok? Eagle plaintive: - Misha! Take me away from here !!!
Well, again she saws me, she threw her socks under the couch, and in general I'm dirty and lead unsanitary conditions. I got it, now I'll show you the insanity. - Honey, and when you cook a soup, throw a bay leaf there? - Oh sure. - Do you wash it beforehand? - No, why? "So it's dirty and a million on it." "Well, you idiot, maybe you can also wash your tea." - The tea leaf passes heat treatment in special furnaces. - Well, in the soup lavrushka otpit, and all the germs will die. - Yeah, and I'm with them. So that you know, when the Indians dry it under the sun, they walk on it with dirty unwashed feet, spit there and blow their nose. And from the end they have a gonorrhea dripping directly onto the leaves. And you give me this in soup? So that's why I've been drumming lately! You want to poison me? "What Indians, what kind of gonorrhea?" Look, in Moscow it's packaged! OOO Ten cooks. - Yeah. Two Tajiks and eight Uzbeks. In Moscow, the laurel does not grow. He is brought from India in dirty sacks. And then in a cellar near Moscow, unwashed with the birth of Uzbeks, laying his hands on the sachets. And these same hands in the ass are picking, you know that they do not use toilet paper and do not wash their hands. Lick the shit from your fingers and continue to pack the laurushka. And you're in my soup? I look, my half almost bleated. I gathered strength and moved the last argument: - And my mother never washed. And nothing! And where is your dad now? I know that, Vladyka Cemetery, Sector 23. Apparently. she thought the same thing, her lips trembled, in the eyes of tears. It's time to finish off. - Here you will become a widow, you will remember - but here under the sofa Petya kept his socks. - ААААЯБУДУМЫТЬЛАВРУШКУУУУУУУУУ !!!!!!!! tears in three streams. - And let the socks lie under the couch? - It is necessary to squeeze out of the situation a maximum. - DDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!! - Well, that's good, why are you roaring? Well, think, laurushka ....
- You are a Ukrainian - where is your national pride, you were an excellent pupil at school, you have two higher educations, a clever husband, beautiful children - and you, damn it, working as a prostitute, you can not make a normal blowjob to a client ?!
Ask the German: - What car do you go to the store for? - At BMW - A abroad? - Well abroad on the Mercedes Ask fracuza - What car do you go to the store for? - on the Renault! - And abroad? - Abroad to Peugeot! Then they ask ours: - On which car do you go to the store? - on the trolleybus! - And abroad? - And we do not go abroad! "Well, if it's necessary?" - And we do not need! - Well, if B-O-O-O-O-T is so necessary? - Yes, we do not need! - Well, if B-O-O-O-O-OO-OO-O-O-T is so necessary? - Well, if V-O-O-O-O-O-OO-OO-O-T is so necessary, then on the TANKS!
Bill Clinton flies on a two-seater plane with his wife, she is offended by something and he decides to amuse her. He nods at the pilot: "Do you want me to give him $ 5, he'll kiss my hand?" She: - Fi .. - Do you want to give him $ 100? Will he give me a kiss? She: - Fi .. The pilot turns: - I'll throw the steering wheel, you'll suck me ..
The plane flies from Moscow to Kiev. The stewardess stops near the man and says: "Do you want me to say something to you that you will laugh from Moscow to Kiev?" - ... Well - You have your fly open and stick out the tip! Muzhik: - Do you want, I'll tell you something, that you will laugh from Kiev to Moscow !? "...?" - This is not the tip, it's all!
A young surgeon in the military registration and enlistment office wants to impress the young nurse. Says one of the recruits: - Roll off the head of the penis. Sunset. Nurse! Look at what a romantic sunset!
You understand that you live in 2006, when: 1. by mistake, you type your system access password on the microwave 2. you have a list of 15 numbers to contact your family, which consists of 3 people 3. you send e- mail to your colleague that is sitting in the next room 4. you have lost contact with your friends or family because they do not have an email address 5. after a day's work, you return home and answer the phone as if you are still at work 7. you fall into a state of panic if you left the house without a mobile phone and you are in 8. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is connect to the Internet, even before you drink coffee 9. you bow your head to one side to smile: 10. Now you read this text, you agree with him and you smile 11. even worse, you already know to whom you will forward this message 12. you are too keen to notice that number 6 in this list is missing 13. you only needed a second to run through the message again and make sure that the numbers 6 really is not present And now you laugh. Come on, send it to your friends. You want it so much!
Examination in chemistry. The student fails the exam and it is already clear that the end. Someone from the commission asked a joke question: - Tell me, please, the formula of soda water. A student with anger in his voice: - Do you like, with or without syrup?
The husband and his wife are sunbathing on the beach. Suddenly her husband asks: "Tell me, dear, what is the name of the creature, whose thirty-two legs, green eyes, the body is red and hairy, in brown and blue stripes?" "I do not know," his wife gets angry, "you know that I do not like riddles." But still, what is it? "The fact of the matter is that I myself do not know," the husband replies, "but I'll still try to throw it off your back!"
A young man walks into the bar, sees a beautiful girl there, approaches her and says: - Hey, baby, let me fuck you? The little one gets up, gives him a knee between the legs, he bends, she takes a decanter from the bar counter and smashes it against his head, the dude falls, the little one starts to kick him in the muzzle, under the breath, along the ribs ... Then she transplanted away. A few minutes later, the guy with difficulty gets up, again comes to her and says: - I understand, in your mouth, you also do not take?
"How is it, you venerable old man, and steal cars?" - Was it my fault that in the years of my youth there were not so many cars?
The judge asks the accused: - Do you admit that they hit the victim with a brick on the head? - I admit. But he had his crooked legs before that.
- And you say that your husband, who hardly stands on crutches, beat you? "You see, Mr. Judge, when he started, he was not yet standing on his crutches.
Persuades a guy to make a girl a blowjob. She does not agree - the taste determined to her, they say, is repugnant. The guy promised to take it out at the crucial moment. He promised - he did it, and directly to his girlfriend in the eye. She yells: Vasya! mascara! Indian ink! Vasya in reply: pa-pa-pa-pararara-pararara-ra-ra-rarara!
THE TEXT OF NEGOTIATIONS WITH THE TEAM DIRECTORS OF FACTORY OF SOFT TOYS NAMED AF. DZERZHINSKY ON THE IMPLEMENTATION OF THE CONTROL SYSTEM ON THE MYSAP.COM PLATFORM
==========================
CHIEF ACCOUNTANT
- Alie, hello, is this the accounting department? - Oh, and what? "May I speak to Marivanna?" - Oh, it's me, but what? - Marivanna, I'm from the company T-Systems, my name is Dmitry. - Oh, Lord, are you sisem? - No, I'm not ... ugh ... in the sense - not you, that is - you, ugh, well, in general it does not matter, and do not sys, but the systems, well, the system in English, in the plural ... - Oh ... - So, we want to offer you to implement the system on the platform of the Myssapkom. Have you heard anything about this platform yet? - Lord! No. Where is it? - Ah, Marivanna, you do not understand! It's not in the sense of a platform, it's just that they say, but it's simply a modular system that is configured at the customer's request. "Oh ..." "What are you working on now?" Probably, on 1-with. So, 1-c is not able to provide the functionality that gives sap. I'm not talking about integration with other systems. After all, you probably want to, for example, warehouse entries automatically generate accounting or, here, you will have Western investors and you will need to report on gaapa, or sell for export, because in two currencies you need to keep records. And, in general, can do anything. So, what are your main problems in the business process right now? Let's just look at a specific example of how sap can help you. Even if I can not answer right away, we'll ask for the sap, prepare a presentation, well, let's give you a full idea of ​​the system's possibilities ... - Oh ... Well, now what are the problems? Well, yesterday Xenia also became pregnant. And she was the last. The rest had become pregnant before and had long since left for the decree ... But this conscientious was, and she did not become pregnant, and worked for everyone. And I have an annual report ... I, I think, if they took turns, or if Xenia had suffered another half a year, Natalia should leave there after the second, and if she goes away again, then it's no longer scary, there are two they will, they are, on the first, well, so for six months they will work, so I will not stay for the next year ... Huh? Or what do you think? Deceived? "Uh, well, honestly, I do not know ... We, as it were, do a little bit different ..." "Can really send them to this platform of yours, maybe it's far away, there will be fewer peasants around to turn around ... Although, these everywhere they will get ... But maybe not all at once ... Oh, well, come ... Just let the married ones be or not be very interested in this. Better yet, bring your accountant for a week or two. A?
====================
CHIEF ENGINEER
- Alie! Hello. Vasilivych? - Yes sir! - Vasilivanych I'm from the company T-EE S-I-S-T-E-M-S. - You ... - Yes, so we want to offer you to implement the most modern system on a card ... uh ... based on Myssapkom. - In how! "Have you heard anything about this, er, thing?" I'll tell you in a nutshell. In general, sap contains all modules that can automate a wide variety of business processes. At the same time, a single information space is created, automated transactions, the formation of analytical reporting ... reduction of losses ... in our team has accumulated considerable experience ... - So, you just tell me - will you chop the walls? -?!? Vasilivanych! What are you, it's completely different! Maisapkom is just a program, well, consider - the air, why should we ... - You do not teach me, I have education though technical, but higher. And the walls, if you're going to be hollow, I want to warn you right away - get the coordination yourself from the architects and firefighters. I will not do this! And then they put me drying in the toilet of the general. The German. I immediately warned that it's just impossible to knock the walls. And these fagots took and continued! Immediately, all ran up, yelling, they wanted to surrender. These walls, you see, last repaired under Catherine. Too fucking, I found a historical value. Yes, the whole city has not been repaired since the days of Ivan the Terrible. At home they pour themselves - tap with your finger. Last year, the plumber moved in under the drunk head under the sink. So he was then raked out of the bricks for two hours. Half-walls of the fuck .., in a sense, fell. Why the fuck me this relic? We would take a piece of the wall, we would take it to our own ... I mean, the museum of local lore, but I would be fucked to build a normal concrete building. That's when you punch that fuck ... in a sense, the wall for this shit, how is it there? - Maisapkom ... - In-in, I say. Although May, at least June, at least by a savage, at least a district committee, and you take care of these dolboobes. You get permission - come. By the way, bear in mind that the fireman is not drinking now. So, as you agree with him, I will not put my mind to it ...
======================
SUPPLY
"Semyon Semyonitch?" - Well. - Hello, my name is Dmitry. I'm from the company ... - Well. "Um, well, I'll go straight to the point." We want to supply you with a system. - Well. "Um, I'll talk a bit about functionality." Are you interested in all logistics or just purishing? You will probably be interested in the automation of the assessment of the need for materials? For example, a new toy model is launched. With ears, but without a tail. Sap can automatically calculate the need for components, draw up a procurement schedule ... - There is nowhere to put it. -?!? "I have no place to put, I say. The whole warehouse is stuffed with these ears. Why count them. They will last for fifty years. Left hind legs - for ten years. But there are no goals. Sewing your ears is not what. Earlier they were made of ushanki. The military will be sent off and they will take us. And now the army was cut, the ushanka is not enough even for the monthly plan. Call the sales. If they have a place in the warehouse, then they will put this thing of yours to themselves. But only on euro pallets. They load products on euro pallets. Then the products are written off, and the pallets are sold. A complete mess. Merchants are fucked. To put such it is necessary. "Er, thanks, understand." And what is the name of the sales manager? - Semyon Semyonitch. "Ah, your namesake?" - No, the name and patronymic are written in the reverse order. -?! ... Uh-uh ... I understand, but do not tell me the phone? - The last digits are 3-3. - How are you? - No, they should be typed in the reverse order. -?! ... uh ... I understand, I'll call right now. - Call after dinner. Since morning their head is not so busy. If it can be called a head.
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MARKETING
"Semyon Semyonitch?" - Yes!!! My dear!!! How glad I am to hear from you !!! Did you know that our factory produces a large range of excellent soft toys, which is in great demand both in our country and abroad !!! Our factory employs experts of the highest qualification, who have a vast experience in manufacturing the most complex products that bring joy and unforgettable impressions to our children and their parents !!! We carry out deliveries !!! When buying more than one toy, one child is paid ... - Semen Semyonitch! Sorry to interrupt, my name is Dmitry, I ... - Dmitry Mikhailovich! It is very good that you called! We just just launched a new bear in production. A sight, not a toy. He will become a real friend to your child! By the way, do you have a child? "Yes, two, fifteen and twenty-one." - Great! This is the most suitable age! Our bear will help them become real people, he will instill in them a respect for nature, teach them to love people and respect their parents. He ... By the way, I advise you to take two. Or four if you are already planning grandchildren. Do not pull this. I mean both your grandchildren and our bears. Children grow fast, bears - become more expensive. So I would take eight if I were you. Will not be lost! They are made of natural fur. In the end, your wife can rip them off and sew you a vest. Now the winters are cold, but as you drown - you yourself know ... - Semyon Semyonitch! I talked with Semyon Semyonitch from the supply, he advised ... - Yes, yes, I know. This is what I am. Before lunch, I work part-time for a part-time job. The chief of supply was planted a week ago. If they now plant the sales manager, then the previous supply manager will leave, he's running out of time, and will be half-way for me. So you can not worry about anything. Your order will be reliably fulfilled ... - But, I wanted to offer you ... - Of course, of course. Well I remember. The supply works simply ugly. They can not calculate their reserves in any way. The biggest problem with the ears. Joke that ears will last for fifty years. And if not enough ?! How can we build our sales strategy with this forecast accuracy? So, if your products are on euro pallets, then I advise you to call the supply and talk to them. They must in some way not switch to euro pallets. Otherwise, they will never establish a normal record. By the way, how many pallets does your product take? They need a hundred pieces. In principle, you can supply them with separate pallets first, and after three months you can deliver the products. "But ..." "The boss's name is Semyon Semyonitch." The phone is like mine, only the last two digits need to be typed in the reverse order. And do not pull with the purchase of bears. Who knows what the prices will be after me.
====================
Sewing shop
- Alie, girl, hello, is this a workshop? "Yes, but what's your name?" - Dmitry, can I talk to ... - And Masha! Are you married? "It's very nice, but I'm married, so can I wait ..." "No-ah." Burned. - ??? - Yeah. At work. Three days did not leave the office. Drank. Here and burnt. Teplyenky was taken to the ambulance. But, if you do not care, then talk to me ... Although, it would be better if you were single ... - Well, good. You see, we suggest that you implement the Myssapkom system. - To me?! "Er, no, of course, not only you, everyone." This system ... - Girls !!! Heard, to us guys will come !!! Well ... this ... will ... be introduced ... Not-e, not only ... All, I'm not selfish, have already agreed ... * Girls voices are heard. * ... And where they will live ... ... and how many guys will be ... ... business trips ... ... you're stupid, Lyuska, in such a blouse ... ... maybe not all married ... ... Zinka has a magazine, there are patterns ... ... and how many guys will ... ... yeah, she has such a hairdo will do what and ... nobody will want to ... ... the last time, too, the whole brigade came, and only one married ... ... and how many guys will be ... ... the club does not need, there's a TV, football will begin - you will not wait I ... ... if a married man goes here, he knows what he's on ... ... and how many guys will be ... - And how many guys will come? "Well, you know, it's so hard to say, it depends on the amount of implementation, and it can only be determined by preliminary examination ..." "Oh, listen, do not have to examine anything, we have a very large volume, you want to send photos." We have only really unmarried twenty girls, and ten more - so simple. Another area of ​​tails and paws. There, too, full of girls and no one, how is it there for you ... <introduce> ... - Girl! You misunderstood me. We are talking about a computer system that can provide: production planning, cost accounting, long-term forecasts of the volume of output, and so on, you understand ... - Yes, yes, I understand. And the guys will come married? - Masha! The project team includes consultants depending on the functionality being implemented. So, as it will turn out. Married and single, men and women ... - Oh, and why? We and our girls have enough. So give us guys, and your girls, if it's necessary, send them to our designers. There it is full of muzhiks. True, all the opposite. We do not like ours. Or they drink or books and read. You will come to them for drawings, you want to talk, so one does not knit a bast, but with another - there is nothing. And I'm not talking about "implementation". And we are working. Well, in general, come. If your guys are honest, then "implement", we do not mind. If only everything was human.
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DIRECTOR
"Lavr Fedotovich, hello!" Thank you for the opportunity to get acquainted with the business processes of your wonderful factory and talk with specialists who ... - Well, you turned down the specialists, of course, and in the rest, I want to say that you did a great job. I was told here by our loafers. Particularly satisfied in the sewing. The girls did not find out. They were pretty, serious somehow. It is felt that something you have touched them for the living. It is really time for us to begin the most serious transformations. And the supply of euro pallets to translate, and the girls get married and in the accounting department to stop this anarchy. So let's sign the contract. Only you do not deliver me all the pallets at once. And then Semyon will tell you. I still know him from school. Forever, blur something that the board, that not only parents, all relatives and neighbors in the school cause! Ha, you hear, I remember once he was asked "Who is the author of Eugene Onegin?". And take it and blur - <Pushkin!>. The teacher was dumbfounded: Though wait, it's really really Pushkin. And what did he then blurt out? I remember that they asked about Eugene Onegin, I remember that the teacher was dumbfounded, then he was sent to the director, damn, and what he said - forgot. Wait, I'm on the inside call. * You can hear the conversation * ... Semyon, what did you do to the teacher about Eugene Onegin?:. What are you, seriously ?! Oh, I can not ... .. .. - Listen, well, in general, he said that he wrote down Pushkin from Lenin. So you yourself understand what Semyon says you need to share horrible. Piece fifty for a start will suffice. Well, do not pull the guys into the sewing. Now, until they come, no one will work. And then, thank God, and then in such a state such ponoshut that children can not be shown. Listen, I remember about twenty years ago we were coming from fraternal africa to exchange experiences. Well, we decided to make a souvenir for them, you understand - obezjanku. Hear, in the regional committee they say that it was fun, hard-working, well, in general, that the friendship of peoples, proletarian solidarity and all such fucking-my .. Come. Well, we sit, drank, exchanged experience, we take out our souvenir. And I did not see what the girls were doing. Unfold, fuck-me! : there is a gorilla with a brutal grin, in huge paws a cudgel holds a tail the size of a jackhammer, and, in front, sewn ... Then, they explained to me that the guests liked to like. Oh, the hot girls were ... Guests liked it ... Now their daughters are working. Milk chocolate. And the character all went to mamas. So look, do not disappoint. By the way, Masha, this is my niece. You really look after her, so that she decently got it. If he decides to stay here, then I'll do the hostel at once, and the apartment - as soon as the second child is given birth. Well, I'm waiting.
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THE END OF THE CENSORY
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SUMMARY.
Dear Alexey Viktorovich, according to the results of the preliminary study of the needs of the factory in the means of automation, several functional areas have been identified, the effectiveness of which can be improved by carrying out the implementation project. Heads of the departments expressed some wishes regarding the forms and methods of the project. Summarizing all that was heard during the negotiations, I consider it expedient to achieve the holding of a tender by whatever means. To participate in the tender to attract all the companies known to us. To transfer to these companies all available materials about the factory, except for this transcript. If, in spite of this training, we do not manage to avoid an unfavorable outcome of the tender and we will have to take over the general contract, I strongly suggest that we recruit military units stationed in the area as subcontractors. Also, when considering the issue of my further participation in this project, I ask you to take into account the state of health, age, marital status, colleagues' positive feedback, services to the company, the fundamental principles of humane treatment of prisoners of war.
With the hope of understanding,
D.Kheifets