My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories
Dear viewers! We present you the winner of "Lotto-million"! We represent how happy in Kharkov on Chkalov Street, 17. Apt. 8 of his relatives, to whom he will go with two suitcases of money today on the 20th corporate train, wagon 15, place 12, departure time - 21.00 from the first route of Kursk railway station. Happy journey, dear comrade !!!
The village ... Two weeks ago, all all the girls began to walk into the hut of one old, old decrepit Dedkov. Local boys organized a meeting on this issue, gathered, and began a discussion. One: "Bl *, guys, you see what's going on for the third week already?" Second: "Our girls go to this grandfather !!!" Third: "And what are they doing to him? What is he so interested in ???" Fourth: "Do not tell !!" We decided to pay a visit to Dedkov! They come to his hut .. They knock .. Grandfather opens, he can barely keep his feet, with a wand, completely bad ... Guys come in: "Hear, grandfather, and what are our girls to you often? How did you interest them?" "I do not know!" - said the grandfather, licking his eyebrows tongue ...
Maritime Customs. Situation: early morning, the port is asleep, dispatchers sleep, ships in the roadstead sleep, customs are asleep in the half-eyed. Suddenly, the idyll is broken by the voice on the radio (one radio in all services is tuned to the same wave): - Radio 8 (dispatcher), radio 8, answer "Gus-Crystal" (vessel name). Dispatcher is silent. The ship requests communication several times. And then an unidentified sleepy voice on the same channel: - You are not Gus Crystal, you are horseradish horseradish. A minute of silence, then the question: - Who says? On the radio another sleepy voice: - Yes, everyone says ... Tomorrow in our concert hall there will be a concert with the participation of the groups "Rammstein" and "Aria". You can say goodbye to the concert hall the day after tomorrow.
You speak English? - Only with a dictionary. - And with people that hesitate?
In the zoo, a huge elephant died. One of the visitors hears a servant crying inconsolably nearby, and says to him: - I understand that the death of an animal is a great sorrow for you ... However, one should not be so killed. - Yes, you have something good to console! Pit him not you will dig!
-Where are you from? -I? M from US-FROM MY ASS ????
A car passes by the traffic police post, a traffic cop slows down, approaches, smiling looks at the driver, who is a little out of his mind and in anticipation of profit and says: - Oh, and what are our eyes. Come on let's go dunem! Driver: - Not-ee, I'm all.
10th grade. There is a biology lesson. The people, armed with microscopes, are studying the structure of the cell ... The teacher asks the public to scour the smear from the inner surface of the cheek using a special stick, place it on a small piece of glass and check out this case in a microscope. In the course of the process, Uchilka explains that, since the cells are not capable of movement, the picture is static, but you can observe the cytoplasm, the nucleus, etc. through the microscope. And suddenly ... One of the girls said: "And I, like, the cells move!" The teacher immediately blows to her, ffing, what's the matter ... Flicks a couple of seconds ... And suddenly he says: "Children, let's all come here rather - you have a rare opportunity to see what a live sperm cell looks like !!!"
Along the street is a girl with a 6m bust size. A man comes up to her: - give the girl a bite for the chest - go to * er - well, at least for $ 100 - from # ^ is it - let's go for a thousand - hesitated, went to * er - let's think about five for five, - Okay, let's go. Leave the courtyards, picks up the blouse, the man rubs her Sisi for a few minutes, she does not stand: - bite faster, what are you waiting for? - ... @ lyad. Expensive!
A man comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, I stretched my leg. The doctor says: - So what, with whom does not happen. - Do you think it's easy to carry 4 meters of a leg behind you?
It was during the decaying years, and here near the distant village near Moscow there was a meeting of the PCB. A grandmother sits on a bench and see that some people with huge backpacks, guitars and girls are gathering dust along her road. And so on all day. Well, it was terpala, it was terpal, and finally it was all over. It's getting dark. And here on the road appears the last figure - large sizes dense KSP-Schnick with the same back and long hair. And grandma jumps out and cries, "look, let go! ***** aces with long patla!" KSP-Schnick had already opened his mouth to impose grandmother with a mat, but suddenly, unexpectedly for himself, humbly said “Serving the Lord ... does not allow us to take hair ...” Grandma ran after him right up to the rally and cried “Father, forgive me, Duru old, brainless ... "
A man rides on a full bus and suddenly spoils the air very loudly. He immediately looks around on the sides and, seeing a little boy next to him, begins to shout loudly: - You, freak, do not see how many people are riding in the bus, which you are like an elephant! The boy has tears in his eyes and here a decent-looking lady standing next to him stands up: - A man, shame on you, they spoiled the air themselves, and spiraling over the child! A man, without hesitation, turns around and says: - Just look at what kind of money - I otmazyvuyu her, but she still translates arrows to me!
The couple has sex. Wife: - Come on, throw me like a wild beast! Husband: - Yes, yes ... - Come on, come again! - Yes, yes ... - Speak dirty words to me! - Hallway ... kitchen ... sink ...
A drunk man comes into the bus and says: On my left hand are fools, on the right - bl * di! Here the woman who was sitting on the right side jumps and shouts: “How dare you!” Yes, I lived with my husband for 20 years !!!! And he never changed him !!!! And you call me bl * dju !!!! A man looks at her thoughtfully and says: - Yes ??? !!!! Well then sit down where the FOOL !!!!!!
A man in a sex shop: - Show me this doll ... - Please ... - And what is the production date ??? - January 2005. - Capricorn ??? does not fit ...
The forest, the darkness, the howling wind, the terrible rustling, the chilling owls of the owl ... the wolf is sitting under a bush and trembling with fear ... suddenly someone hears, Rammstein sings "Mutar", waving a basket with cakes ... the wolf makes an effort (it’s necessary to look at it), and pokes its head out of the bushes ... looks down the path, Little Red Riding Hood walks ... the wolf has fallen down and says to her: - Little Red Riding Hood, why are you? Are you not afraid in such a terrible night forest? And she doesn’t have any complexes for him and answers: - Why? - I know the way, I love sex ...
A pink elephant, a blue snake and a green rat entered the bar. "Come early guys," said the bartender. - "He has not come yet".
On the Millennium of Kazan on the Fairground was exhibited only one bio-toilet. At the box office he even overtook the film "Turkish Gambit".
The car stops next to the prostitute, the driver pops out from there and asks: - How many blowjobs? - 600 rubles. - Eh, and I have only 100 with me ... Listen, let me give you 100 rubles and your mobile? Assessing the mobile phone model, the girl agrees. Having received what he wanted, the driver gives her 100 rubles and is going to leave. Wench: - Hey, and mobile ?? - And, yes, I almost forgot, write down: 8-916 ...
The park, the bench, the boy sits, the VERY seemingly small, reads. Not anything, but “Computerra”, by the way, you see, an advanced guy. A lady walks by, sees such a disgrace, and immediately begins to be touched. - Oh, what a boy, and what are we doing here? How old are you? - Four. - What are you reading? The guy silently shows. - Wow, you probably already go to school? A little boy in an icy tone: - WOMAN! I told you in Russian: FOUR years to me!
There are a lot of cars at the traffic lights. The very first - "Zaporozhets". Then the green light comes on. "Zaporozhets" vygazovyvaet to blue smoke from the chimney, but does not move. Immediately the noise from the signaling rear cars. The driver of "Zaporozhtsa" gets out and yells: - Well, what am I to blame, that I have driven a wheel to chewing gum ?!
Brother, deciding to beautifully care for a new girl, goes to the flower shop. She asks the saleswoman: “Listen, I heard, if you donate one flower, it will mean“ You are my only one. ”If there are three, then“ I love you. ”And if I give 555, what does this mean? Saleswoman: "I have a dough - nemeryannom."
There is a world championship in fighting without rules. The final is a huge black American and our boy from Ryazan. The trainer says to ours: T: - listen here, he has a crown grab, if he catches - just give up, he has already sent several of these grabs to the intensive care unit. Boy: - I understand. The battle begins, our American captures in his capture. The trainer in sadness goes to the locker room, and then hears - our anthem is playing, so our gold medal is hung around the neck. He is to him: T: - how did you get out of the capture, did he cripple everyone before, nobody got out? !!! P: - yes, you understand, he grabs me, I feel everything, $ # $ @ ec - one hand there, the second there, the third here and there I see eggs, well, I think it wasn’t - I bite ... and you don’t believe what a person can do if he bites himself by the balls.
Two are in the hayloft. - Wan, and you love me? - Yes Lyudka, love! - And you will tear out birch for my sake? - Tear out! - And maple? - Tear out! - And aspen? - Tear out! - And the pine? - And if I just loosen the whole forest, I pull out !!!
A woman with a child comes to the doctor. The doctor examined the child and asked: - Is he breastfed or artificial? - On the chest! - the woman answers. Doctor: - Take off your clothes ..... Take off your bra ....! The doctor long rubs her boobs and gives out: - Hmm .... so you have no milk! No wonder the baby is hungry! Baba: - Actually, I'm his aunt, but ... still glad that I came in ... !!
-I propose to meet at the Park Kultury metro station at 8 am on Monday. What will you look like? -Poorly...
- Do you have anal sex? - Yes, but only for debts ...
At the doctor's office: - Doctor, I have such nightmares ... Imagine: my mother-in-law walks with a crocodile down the street. The teeth are huge curves, it smells so much from the mouth that it’s horrible at all, the skin is green, wrinkled, scary, healthy claws with claws ... - Yes, indeed, a nightmare ... - But wait, I haven’t told about the crocodile!
Promotional campaign: "Eat twenty pasties and collect a cat!"
Black humor. America, September 11th. Rescuers dismantle the collapsed tower, and otkapatyut lively man with a chain from the cistern in his hand. He is conscious, whispering something, twitching, restless, violent, insane eyes, does not give up the chain. He is being taken to the hospital. The doctor leans toward him in the car, trying to make out the whisper: - What? What are you saying? - Mu ... Mu ... Guys ... I ... I pulled a little something .... lightly! ....
Celebration. The cop stops the car with a confident statement: - Yeah, they drank, it means! - Not. - And why?
An old anecdote in a new rehash ... On the road, the androgynous goth is voting (boots, corset, etc.). Stops black pokotsannoy foreign car. From there protrudes such a terry blacker: - Where to give a lift? - (hysterically) Yes, I do not care where, if only the friends-traitors did not find !!! - Well, sit down ... Go silently. Hour ride, two ... Then they are wrapped in some kind of forest ... Then the goth gives a voice: - Well, come on! Ask me too! - Why ask something? .. - What a floor I am! - And it makes no difference to me, I will still fuck my ass ...
One friend of mine, when he got drunk in London, was put sleeping by sleeping in the front passenger seat of the car to take to the hotel. He recalls: - When I woke up - there were three shocks: 1) I'm driving drunk and driving; 2) food in the oncoming lane, and 3) there is no steering !!
Morgue. On the table - revealed the corpse. At the table - two pathologists, the third reads the conclusion of death. First, cutting the corpse's stomach: - Wow! Buckwheat! With a stew! Vasya, will you? - No, guys, I had a nice dinner. - Well, as you wish. The first two take out spoons and with appetite scrape the contents of the stomach. When the porridge comes to an end, the third one raises his eyes from the conclusion about death: - M-da-ah, guys, it seems, it is from this porridge that he hooves his hoof and threw back! The first two turn the porridge back into the stomach and run to the first-aid kit. The third after them, taking out a spoon: - Guys, yes, I was joking, he had a heart attack. I just love the warmed up!
There are two. One complains: - Well, quite mother-in-law got it! Second: - And would you have done something to her. - Yes already! Gave on her phone an ad in the newspaper: "Providing sex services. Cheap!" - So how?!!! - And it has, slut!
The man had 3 daughters. Here he gave each one a bow and arrow. Where the arrow will fall there and the husband must be sought. Shot the eldest daughter and hit the bank. Went out for a banker. The average in a steep wheelbarrow hit. Went out for a merchant. The youngest fell into the swamp. A frog comes in sitting with an arrow, I had to take it home and carry it. Brought home, well, going with the forces to kiss. Kissed, she quickly in the bath to wash. The frog comes anyway. Again I had the courage to kiss again. Sama again in the bath. It turns out, he sees the frog lounging on the bed and scratching the eggs, brazenly says: - It would be necessary to suck, beautiful, very enchanted me.
A passenger plane gets into a strong storm. Rain, lightning, thunder, falling into "air pockets" ... One woman lost her nerves. Jumping up, she shouted: - We are dying! Is there a man here who will make me feel like a real woman for the last time ?! A tall, slim young man rose from his seat and approached her. Exposing the muscular torso, he took off his shirt and, stretching it to the woman, gently said: - Honey, on, wash.
Scientists have found that 40 minutes of being in a women's clothing store lead a man to preinfarction, and a woman to pre-orgasm.
- I want to say that people are not afraid of the cops. After all, we, cops, are also people, and after work we are also afraid of cops who are at work.
Bought two blondes on the mouse. Well, they think how they will distinguish them. One says: 1- Let your mouse tear off the left hind paw, and I'm your right front paw? 2-happy- Come on! How well you came up with! Tear off. 1- DURA !!! I asked you what to tear off? 2- I thought you had to tear off the left rear. 1- So! LISTEN CAREFULLY, blond hair !!! Now you tear off the FRONT LEFT, and I’m the right back ... In short, the mouse without the legs rested. 2- So what are we going to do now? The mice are without paws ... 1- Okay, then let's do it, mine is black, yours is white.
Radovoy Ivanov stood on guard, guarding an important state facility. Suddenly he heard a rustle behind his back. He looked around and saw the barrel of the machine gun aimed at him. "This is fucked up," thought Ivanov. Do not let the soldiers wit.
Two men are voting on the track. They cost a long time, no cars. Suddenly a man runs out of the dark with a KAMAZ steering wheel. Simulates squeal of brakes and stops near them. - What, men, the problem? Let's give a ride. - What are you, a fool or something, go further. We are here somehow. He pulls out a barrel and shouts: - Quickly into the car! The men were frightened, ran with him. They are running ... 5 kilometers have run ... here again a squeal of brakes: - Hear, guys, soon the traffic police post, and I have no rights. You are now leaving, and I am on a cornfield detour, I will pick you up after a kilometer. The men were glad that they had disown the fool. They approach the post and the GAI officer: - Hey, the guy forced us to escape here at gunpoint 5 km! - With the wheel of KAMAZ? - Yes! - Where is he!? We have been looking for him for a long time, he drives without a license! - On the corn field ran. Understanding nothing, men respond. A traffic cop grabs the steering wheel from a motorcycle and shouts: - Sit down, now we will catch up with him! One back, the other in the cradle! - What are you, man, you fool? He grabs a machine gun and yells: - Quickly in places! One will sit down, the other into the cradle! There is nothing to do - the men sat down in their places. The three of them are running across the corn field. A traffic cop yells at one: - What are you doing !? You're in the cradle! Why on straight legs? Quickly sit down! A man runs on bent legs, cobs hit him in the face, does not see anything, his legs hurt, turns around to a friend in the back seat and says: - On x .. I was transplanted, we would have gone quietly on a KAMAZ!
- Hello, doctor, help. My wife has a headache and fever. - high? - Yes, meter eighty-five!
An old Scotsman is sitting in a pub, sitting, sipping beer, smoking a pipe. He sat, sat and said: “This is the mill I built myself, ONE (!) ... collected stones, mixed up the mortar and built ... but for some reason nobody calls me MacFlaren the builder of mills. He sat, took a sip of beer, dragged on. - This is the garden, in which the largest yields of fruits and berries are now, I planted myself, ONE (!) ... everyone is happy and gathers fruits. But for some reason no one calls me MacFlaren the gardener. He sat, took a sip of beer, dragged on. - This bridge, I built myself, ONE (!), Cut down trees, sanded and made a bridge, now cars are driving along it, people are walking. But for some reason, no one calls me McFlaren, the builder of bridges. He sat, took a sip of beer, dragged on. “But once you otmyt sheep ...”
In an exam at a medical institute, a student stubbornly calls the liver a "liver." Finally, the teacher can not stand: - Are you in the market? What else "liver"! Liver! Remember: now! Once again I hear this - I will drive out. Go to the next question. The student timidly begins: - Drake is ..
The son asks his father: - Dad, is it true that in some Eastern countries the groom does not know who his wife is until he gets married? - This is in any country, son!
On television: - Our guest composer Tikhon Khrennikov. Tell us what you wrote lately? - Hmmm. Well, let's say, I recently put on music ... - (interrupting, with horror) Yes ?! What a pity!..
Mountain slope, a flock of sheep and a shepherd. A shepherd calls a sotik. Shepherd: Ale? Covering the pipe with the hand, the rams: This is me ...
Vovochka comes home and says to her father: “Dad, today I had my first sexual experience! Father: Well, sit down, son, tell me something. Little Johnny: Thank you, I'll stand ...
A press release in 2300: "Recent excavations of the necropolis of the Internet have shown that Windwards 95 is not a virus, as suggested by the fact that Windows 95 codes were found in many places, but the so-called operating system, that is, the program, which was intended to hide from the user the wretchedness of architecture and various other imperfections of ancient computers. "
- Yesterday I gathered three buckets of mushrooms for the mother-in-law in the forest. - And what if they are poisonous? - What does "suddenly" mean?
Two men talk, one to another: - Have your wife ever found you jerking off in the toilet? - No - For # be a place, huh ?! The lecture at the police school exam notices the student’s spur and selects it. There is nothing to do, from hopelessness begins: - You did not have the right to take away my property from me without the appropriate regulatory procedures! Teacher, sadly: - Well, why should I beat you in the kidneys, young man?
And the hero said to the Snake Gorynych: "Come out, you rotten monster." And the rotten monster replied: "Sorry, I'm on the next one."
Two cars “met” - one of the girls comes out (probably a blond), another man, and he asks her: “You fool, did you even have a driving test?”, To which she replies: “Unlike you, a goat, many times! "
If someone is able to smile when everything is bad, then he knows who to blame for everything.
A conversation between two friends: And to me yesterday, on the bus, the drug addict got into his bag. I did not notice at first, and then I looked - it was sitting.
Sits addict next to the construction site. A young man comes up to him and asks: - Tell me, what is it built here? - OOOOwashcheee ... - What finally? - OOOOvashcheee ... - Well, what finally? - LLC storage.
At the cemetery during the funeral, the brigadier of the undertakers sees that a 50-ruble bill is sticking out of the chest pocket of the dead man. He immediately asks one of his brigade to push people away from the coffin under any pretext. When this was done, and he reached for the bill, the dead man suddenly grabs his hand and shouts: m - The Tax Police! Control burial! - You have your own job, but I have my own, - said the foreman and scored a nail into a coffin ...
- Yesterday I gathered three buckets of mushrooms for the mother-in-law in the forest. - And what if they are poisonous? - What does "suddenly" mean?
- Al-le ... It's fifty ... One ... Forty-six ... Thirty ... Two? - Not! - So fucking ... was the phone ... taking ...?
Honey, you are beautiful, like these flowers! “And I thought I was beautiful, like a gold bracelet.” - Not. You are as beautiful as these flowers.
A man comes home with a live goat in her arms and finds his wife sitting in front of the TV. “Look, dear, this is the same cow that I make love with when you have a headache.” The wife scornfully looks at him and says: “Lord, you are so stupid that you cannot distinguish a goat from a cow!” “God, you're so stupid that you can't understand that I'm talking to a goat!”
The inscription inside the men's wedding ring: This rare woodpecker was caught and ringed in Moscow in 1995.
Fly liner. On board, pertstaviteli different nations ... Suddenly, an accident and we must get rid of excess weight, but at the same time decide who to throw. Everybody decided that they would throw them out according to the alphabetical list. The stewardess reads: -Afro-Americans ... Silence .... -Black people Silence .... A small Negro kid jabs her father's hand to the side ... -Dad we've been called 2 times. Why haven't we responded? - Remember son! We are "Niggaz", right after the Mexicans
- Mykola! And why didn’t they accept the party?
- She said that she had been at the wedding at Makhno’s father, to speak - she played the accordion ...
- Duck you say that without being.
- That yak I tell them, cady one tama dances? ...
- Chuv, Petro, moskali from the cosmos flew?
- Scho, get out usi?
- Kum, what are you doing in my cellar?
- Looking for you.
- Why did you eat fat?
- And so under his feet do not interfere.
Little Johnny rushes after the lesson down the hall and nearly knocks down the headmaster. He indignantly grabs his shoulder and says: - Now come back and walk calmly! And say hello to me as your father greets friends! Little Johnny takes a few steps, waddling - hands in pockets - goes to the director, slaps him on the back so that the little glasses do not jump off, and screaming at the top of his neck:
- Well, great, old x #%! I have not seen you for a hundred years, e $ #% be your bald skull !! Not dead yet, n # $% and walrus !!!
Two friends met.
- An interesting concert yesterday?
- Oh, extremely! Performed the oratorio of Handel!
- And what is, strictly speaking, an oratorio?
- Wait, I'll explain to you now. Here, for example, if I told you: "Janusz, give me a tsygarka!" - this is not an oratorio. But if I tell you: "Janusz, Janusz, oh give me a tsygarochka, oh give me, oh give a tsygarochka, tsigaruka, a tsygarachka, give me a tsyharochka, give, give, let me tsigarchina! - this is already an oratorio!
Conversation of two new Russian:
-I will go to study in the conservatory on the pianist!
-What for! 8-O
- Well, come on! Bolshoi Theater! Huge room! A bunch of people! Everyone is looking at me!
And I sit on the stage and fingers wildebeest!
A boxer is tried in the courtroom for beating a woman. The boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, jerky man. Judge:
- Well, tell me, defendant, why did you beat a woman?
- What kind of woman is my mother-in-law!
- Is not mother-in-law a woman? - asks the judge.
- Yes, in general a woman ... - boxer ponders.
- Well, tell the court why you beat her.
- Well, this, I come, it means that I go home, I go to, this, to the kitchen, I sit by it. Mother-in-law - Zhu-Zhu-Zhu, Zhu-Zhu-Zhu, and I sit eating. The mother-in-law is again - Zhu-Zhu-Zhu, Zhu-Zhu-Zhu - and then it opened ...
Two in bed.
She: You please be careful with me - I am a girl.
He: Well, of course, everything will be as you ask, everything will be fine,
I'll take care of you.
P O B E R E G AND S b! ! !
Two in bed.
He: Oh, if I knew that you were still a girl, I would not be in a hurry.
She: If you had not been in such a hurry, I would have time to take off my pantyhose.
A peasant sneaks up on another peasant standing at a bus stop and how he will stick him in a bochin. Ohuy man:
- Shcha fucking pussy get !!!
- Well, immediately offended.
A man is sitting with binoculars in his hand, looks out the window of a women's hostel and is engaged in onanism.
Suddenly notices that someone is sitting nearby and doing the same.
- Who are you fucking ...?
- Look at that red dress.
- And me too. Here is a prostitute!
Neither pi ** dy nor the Red Army is an impotent patient with flat feet.
A good mason always puts on the conscience ...
It happens that everything goes like clockwork - and only then it turns out that it was petroleum jelly ...
<< Frames solve everything! >> - How nice to be a shot!
Women in men like the most secondary sexual characteristics - cottages, car, salary ...
The doctor gives me two weeks of life, it would be good in August ...
Your child has such tender skin, and such hard meat ...
The symbol of the 8th of March ... is a sign of infinity, brought to erection ...
There is no third. Well, we will get drunk together!
... left their women pregnant, went into the woods and degraded ...
Better two spans per cock than seven spans in the forehead ...
Well fucked wife does not need flowers.
A supermarket is a large store that has at least 10 cash desks and it does not matter that 8 of them may not work.
Men just spend money.
Women spend money wisely!
Spend money - and the mind also does not remain ...
- Good evening, young people! Let me introduce. Patrol and inspection service, Sergeant Gorlenko. Piercing, cutting items are there?
- It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs?
- Yes, you probably already have enough, comrade sergeant !!!
A traffic cop chastises a driver:
- Well, how is that? Changed across the line, exceeded the speed twice! I still understand "Mercedes" - but you! You! Tram driver !!!
Every Friday my friend and I go to the bar to hit a beer ...
This time they ordered two light beers. A young girl (waitress) told us that there is only dark.
What are we to her:
- Carry two dark and bleach!
She left, and we sit and laugh at our joke ...
Soon she returns (next - dumb scene) and brings two dark beers and a bottle of vodka.
... We chopped off that evening until a pig squeal ...
From the statement: "I ask, except for the surcharge for harm, I also have to pay extra for greed and obstinacy."
Two friends are talking.
- My bro had a birthday yesterday. He was given a ship.
- Wow! And what is he going to do with it?
- Like what? Smoked yesterday.
Two buddies at the bar:
“You know, the king of pickup artists has come to our city!” I went to lectures for a week, I gave 10 of them!
- So how?! Any results?
- Ha! Now any girl is mine! See that beauty over there? Yesterday in just an hour and a half I spread her for sex!
- Oh, this ... Yes, I take it off without any pick-up - she's a whore ...
In Dublin, the conversion of the Catholic church to an Orthodox one took place!
Last night, volunteers carried out shops from the temple and dismantled the heating system ...
Russian scientists have built a computer that can answer any question, giving it the form of a phallus ...
Why did they do that? And dick knows him ...
A group of programmers asks the provider of the military enlistment office to remove their account for sending spam.
The new tariff plan from MTS - "Chatterbox - a godsend for a spy."
You only pay for the last minute. For the rest of those who overhear pay extra.
- Hands off the free press!
- Of course, hands off - and with her legs, with her legs ...
Why you can illegally connect to the pipeline, pumping oil "there"
- but no one has yet been able to connect to the money line that pumps money in the opposite direction?
Ksenia Sobchak offered to the governors!
I am ready to propose electing her immediately to the Senate - but I don’t want to take on the role of Caligula ...
- He called me an idiot!
- Nonsense! Fell on heredity!
Give the peasant one fish - and he will be full all day.
Teach a peasant to fish - and you will be free from him all the weekend.
New advertising story Nuts.
Three guys in black have bent the Brain and fry it in turn in the ass. Nuts comes running around, pushes everyone around and starts staring at the Brain itself.
Voiceover: Nuts! No one will allow to fuck brains!
- Dear comrades! You are listening to the program "For those who would like to know, but feel free to ask." And now by phone 333-33-33 ask your idiotic questions!
- In Belarus, there was an action of nature conservationists: good Greenpeace members dug up moles, put glasses on them and buried them back.
- And now, Klepa, you hold in your hands the fate of the whole world! - Caesar said with dignity, when Cleopatra took him by the balls ...
Vodka on the phone: "I slowly unscrew the cap. I take it off. You take out your little folding cup!".
- Darling - and your husband knows that you are cheating on him?
- My ?! No ... And yours knows!
“Why did your wife scream at you last night?”
- Yes, for the library ...
- Went to the library yesterday?
- And shouted for what ?!
- Yes, the cowards in the reading room forgot ...
The economic exchange between Russia and France is expanding: the French will send us perfumes, which you can drink, and we give them vodka, which has a shadow under their eyes.
After a long haggling, they shook hands ...
Then in the face.
In the hostel the girl is preparing for a date: "Let's get 50 grams for courage!".
- Or maybe it's better for 100 for stupidity? ...
One organization needs a girl with experience in computer, desk, chair - in general, where it is necessary!
- Gentlemen, my horse suffered!
- Well, now what, not an abortion is she doing ...
A woman comes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor, I have a gap in my left shoulder.
- Now let's see, undress.
A woman takes off the top of her clothes, but the doctor tells her:
- No, take off your clothes completely.
“But doctor, I have a shoulder gap.”
- Listen, I am a doctor, so take off your clothes and turn your back on me.
A woman meets the requirements of the doctor, he removes his pants and abruptly plants her behind his stake 7 cm in diameter.
She cries out in pain, and the doctor says to her: “That's what a gap is!” And what you have in your shoulder is stretching!
Two girlfriends are talking:
- Count, here is the same dream in your hand ... I was dreaming last night that I was in bed with such a man, and I feel so good ... And what do you think? The doorbell wakes me up, I go to open, and there my friend stands ... Some nonsense babbles, but I understood why he came - dragged him, he didn’t even have time to squeak. What a guy, huh?
- Oh, you know, by the way, last night I also dreamed that I was eating such delicious pistachio ice cream that I even woke up. And so I wanted him, that I woke up Vitka and asked him to go and buy me ice cream. And what do you think? He did not say a word, got up, got dressed, and went to look for ice cream in the middle of the night. He returned only in the morning and ice cream, though, and did not find - but what a guy, eh?
- Yeah, so I say ... I open the door, and there Vitek stands and some garbage about pistachio ice cream loads ...