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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Dear viewers! We present you the winner of the Lotto-Million! We represent how rejoice in Kharkov on the street Chkalov, 17. Apt. 8 are his relatives, to whom he will leave with two suitcases of money today on the 20th branded train, carriage 15, place 12, departure time - 21.00 from the first track of the Kursk station. Bon voyage, dear comrade !!!
The village ... Two weeks ago, all and all the girls began to walk into the hut of one old, old decrepit grandfather. Local boys organized a meeting on this subject, gathered, and began a discussion. One: "Bl * guys, you see what’s happening for the third week already?" Second: "Our girls go to this grandfather !!!" Third: "And what do they do with him? What does he care for them so much ???" Fourth: "Do not tell !!" We decided to visit my grandfather! They come to him in the hut .. They knock .. Grandfather opens, barely holds on to his feet, with a wand, very bad ... The guys come in: “Hear, grandfather, why are our girls frequent to you? How did you get them interested?” "I do not know!" - said the grandfather, licking his eyebrows with his tongue ...
Maritime Customs. Situation: early morning, the port is sleeping, dispatchers are sleeping, ships are sleeping on the roads, customs are sleeping in the middle of the eye. And suddenly the idyll is violated by the voice on the radio (one radio for all services is tuned to the same wave): - Radio 8 (dispatcher), radio 8, answer "Gus-Khrustalny" (name of the vessel). The dispatcher is silent. The ship requests communication several times. And here an unidentified sleepy voice on the same channel: - You are not Goose Crystal, you are horseradish. A moment of silence, then the question: - Who speaks ?! Another sleepy voice on the walkie-talkie: - Yes, everyone is talking ... Tomorrow in our concert hall there will be a concert with the participation of the Rammstein and Aria groups. You can say goodbye to the concert hall the day after tomorrow.
Do you speak English? - Only with a dictionary. - And with people that are embarrassed?
In the zoo, a huge elephant died. One of the visitors hears an employee sobbing inconsolably nearby, and says to him: “I understand that the death of an animal is a great grief for you ... However, one should not be so killed. “Yes, it’s good for you to console!” You will not dig a hole for him!
-Where are you from? -I? M from US -FROM MY ASS ????
A car passes by the traffic police post, the traffic cop slows it down, approaches, smiles, looks at the driver, who is a little crazy and in anticipation of profit, and says: “Oh, what kind of eyes we have.” Well, let's go blow! Driver: - Nah, I'm all.
10th grade. There is a biology lesson. The people, armed with microscopes, study the structure of the cell ... The teacher asks the audience to use a special stick to scrape the “smear” from the inner surface of the cheek, place it on a small glass and check this thing out under the microscope. In the process, Uchilka explains that since the cells are not capable of movement, the picture is static, but the microscope can observe the cytoplasm, nucleus, etc. And suddenly ... One of the girls says: "And I, like, have cells moving!" The teacher immediately blows to her, poke, what's the matter ... Pokes a couple of seconds ... And suddenly he says: "Children, let's all get here soon - you have a rare opportunity to see what a living sperm looks like !!!"
Along the street is a girl with a 6m bust size. A man comes up to her: -girl give a bite for the chest - went to * ep - well, at least for $ 100 - from # ^ - go for a thousand - hesitated, went to * ep - let's think for five the girl thought, five pieces for nefig do - Okay, let's go back to the courtyards, he is lifting up his blouse, a man wrinkles her sissy for several minutes, she can’t stand it: - bite faster, what are you waiting for? - ... @ fuck. Expensive!
A man comes to the doctor and says: - Doctor, I sprained my leg. The doctor says: - So what, with whom does not happen. - Do you think it's easy to carry 4 meters of feet behind you?
It was during the adjustment years, and now near the distant village near Moscow there is a rally of KSP. A grandmother sits on a bench and sees that some people with huge backpacks, guitars and girls are dusting past her on the road. And so all day. Well, she tolerated, endured, and finally it was all over. It's getting dark. And then the last figure appears on the road - a large-sized dense CSP-shnik with the same backpack and long hair. And then the grandmother jumps out and cries out "look, dismissed! ***** aces with long patches!" KSP-shnik had already opened his mouth to put a mat on his grandmother, but suddenly, unexpectedly for himself, humbly said "Serving the Lord ... does not allow us to shave our hair ..." The grandmother ran after him until the very gathering and cried out "Father, forgive me, old foolish, brainless ... "
A man rides in a full bus and suddenly very loudly spoils the air. He immediately looks around and, seeing a little boy next to him, starts yelling loudly: “You freak, you don’t see how many people are on the bus, why are you looking like an elephant!” The boy has tears in his eyes and then a decent-looking lady standing up beside him stands up: “Man, shame on you, they themselves have ruined the air, but they’ve spiraled the child!” The man, without hesitation, turns around and says: “Just look at the $ decree, I’m dissuading her, but she is still shooting arrows at me!”
A married couple has sex. Wife: - Come on, lean on me like a wild beast! Husband: - Yes, yes ... - Come on, come on again! - Yes, yes ... - Tell me dirty words! - Entrance ... kitchen ... sink ...
A drunk man enters the bus and says: On my left hand are fools, on the right - bl * di! Then a woman who was sitting on the right side jumps and shouts: - Yes, how dare you !!! Yes, I lived with my husband for 20 years !!!! And never cheated on him !!!! And you call me a fucking call !!!! A man looks at her thoughtfully and speaks: - Yes ??? !!!! Well then, sit where the Fools !!!!!!
Man in a sex shop: - Show me this doll ... - Please ... - And what is the production date ??? - January 2005. - Capricorn ??? not suitable ...
Forest, darkness, howling wind, terrible rustlings, chilling screams of an owl ... a wolf sits under a bush and trembles with fear ... suddenly he hears someone singing Rammstein - "Mutar" - swinging a basket with pies ... the wolf makes an effort over himself (you need to look at this), and he will stick his head out of the bushes ... looking at the path Little Red Riding Hood is coming ... the wolf, bald-headed, tells her: - Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing? Aren't you scared in such a terrible night forest? And she tells him without complexes and answers: - Why? - I know the way, sex - I love ...
A pink elephant, a blue snake and a green rat entered the bar. “Came early guys,” the bartender said. - "He has not come yet".
For the Millennium of Kazan, only one dry closet was exhibited at the Fair Square. At the box office, he overtook even the film "Turkish Gambit."
A car stops next to a prostitute, a driver pops out and asks: - How much is a blowjob? - 600 rubles. - Oh, and I only have 100 with me ... Listen, and let me give you 100 rubles and my mobile? Assessing the look of the mobile phone model, the girl agrees. Having received what he wanted, the driver gives her 100 rubles and is going to leave. Girl: - Hey, what about mobile ?? - Ah, yes, I almost forgot, write down: 8-916 ...
Park, bench, sitting kid, VERY small looking, reading. Not something, but Computerru, by the way, you see, an advanced guy. A lady walks past, sees such a disgrace, and immediately begins to be touched. - Oh, what a boy, and what are we doing here? How old are you? - Four. - What are you reading? The guy silently shows. - Wow, you probably already go to school? Little boy in an icy tone: - WOMAN! I said in Russian: I am FOUR years old!
There are a bunch of cars at the traffic lights. The very first is Zaporozhets. Then the green lights up. "Zaporozhets" gas out to the blue smoke from the chimney, but does not move. The noise from the cars honking from behind rises immediately. The driver of the "Zaporozhets" crawls out and yells: - Well, it's my fault that I have a wheel on a chewing gum ?!
The brother, having decided to beautifully look after the new girl, goes to the flower shop. The saleswoman asks: “Listen, I heard that if I give one flower, it will mean“ You are the only one. ”If three, then“ I love you. ”And if I give 555, what can it mean?” Saleswoman: "My dough is unmeasured."
There is a world championship in fights without rules. The huge Negro American and our boy from Ryazan go to the finals. The trainer tells our: T: - listen here, he has a seizure, if he catches it - give up right away, he already sent several of these seizures to the intensive care unit. Boy: - I understand. The battle begins, an American captures us in his capture. The coach goes into the locker room in sorrow, and then he hears - our anthem is playing, it turns out, they hang a gold medal on our neck. He is to him: T: - how did you get out of the capture, did he cripple everyone before that, nobody got out ?! P: - yes, you understand, he grabs me, I feel everything, $ # $ @ ец - one hand there, the second there, the third there and here I see - eggs, well, I think it wasn’t - I bite ... and you don’t You will believe what a man who has bitten himself for eggs can do.
Two are in the hayloft. “Van, do you love me?” - Yes Lyudka, love! - And for your sake you will tear a birch? - I'll tear it out! - A maple? - I'll tear it out! - And aspen? - I'll tear it out! - A pine? - And if you pine at all I pull the whole forest !!!
A woman with a child comes to the doctor. The doctor examined the child and asked: - Is he breast-feeding or artificial? - On the chest! - the woman answers. Doctor: - Undress ..... Take off your bra ....! The doctor wrinkles his boobs for a long time and gives out: - Hmm .... so you have no milk! No wonder the baby is hungry! Baba: - Actually, I’m his aunt, but ... I’m still glad that I came ... !!
-I suggest meeting at the Park Kultury metro station at 8 a.m. on Monday. What will you look like? -Poorly...
- Do you have anal sex? - Yes, but only for debts ...
At the doctor's appointment: - Doctor, I have such nightmares ... Imagine: my mother-in-law with a crocodile is walking along the street. The teeth are huge, crooked, it smells so bad that all horror, scary green wrinkled skin, healthy claws with claws ... - Yes, indeed, a nightmare ... - Yes, wait, I haven’t told you about the crocodile!
Promotion: "Eat twenty pasties and collect a cat!"
Black humor. America, September 11th. Rescuers dismantle the collapsed tower, and they will dig out a living man with a chain from the drain tank in his hand. He is conscious, whispers something, twitches, restless, buoy, crazy eyes, does not give a chain. He is being taken to the hospital. The doctor leans towards him in the car, trying to make out a whisper: - What? What are you talking about? - Mu ... Mu ... Guys ... I ... I pulled something slightly .... not much! ....
Holiday. The cop stops the car with a confident statement: - Yeah, they drank, then! - Not. - And why?
An old joke in a new rehash ... On the road, an androgynous goth votes (boots, corset, etc.). The black pokotsanny foreign car stops. Such a terry blacker sticks out: - Where to ride? - (hysterically) Yes, I do not care where, if only my friends-traitors did not find !!! - Well, sit down ... They go silently. They drive an hour, two ... Then they wrap up in some kind of forest ... Then the goth gives a voice: - Well, come on! Ask me too! - What to ask? .. - What gender am I! - But it makes no difference to me, anyway I will fuck in the ass ...
One of my friends, when he got drunk in London, the comrades put sleeping on the front passenger seat of the car to take him to the hotel. He recalls: - When I woke up - there were three shocks: 1) I drive drunk at the wheel; 2) I am driving in the oncoming lane, and 3) there is no steering wheel !!
Morgue. On the table is an open corpse. There are two pathologists at the table, the third reads the conclusion of death. First, cutting the stomach of a corpse: - Wow! Buckwheat porridge! With the stew! Vasya, will you? “No, guys, I had a tight dinner.” - Well, as you wish. The first two take out spoons and scrap out the contents of the stomach with appetite. When the porridge comes to an end, the third raises his eyes from the conclusion of death: - M-da-ah, guys, it seems that it was from this porridge that he threw back the hooves! The first two turn the porridge back into the stomach and run to the medicine cabinet. The third after them, taking out a spoon: - Guys, yes I was joking, he had a heart attack. I just love the warmed up!
There are two. One complains: - Well, my mother-in-law got it! Second: - And you would have done some dirty tricks to her. - Yes already! He gave an ad in her newspaper on her phone: “I provide sex services. Cheap!” - So how?!!! - And renders, slut!
The peasant had 3 daughters. He gave each a bow and arrow. Where the arrow will go there and the husband must be sought. The eldest daughter fired and hit the bank. She married a banker. The average hit a cool car. Married a businessman. The youngest got into the swamp. Comes sees a frog sitting with an arrow, had to be taken and carried home. Brought home, well, and is going with the strength to kiss. Kissed herself quickly in the bath to wash. Anyway, a frog comes. Again I gathered courage, kissed again. Itself again in the bath. It turns out that the frog sees sprawled on the bed and scratching its eggs, brazenly says: - I would have to suck, beautiful, very enchanted me.
Passenger plane gets into a strong storm. Downpour, lightning, thunder, falling into the "air holes" ... One woman lost her nerves. Jumping up, she cried out: “We are perishing!” Is there a man here who will make me feel like a real woman for the last time ?! A tall, slender young man rose from his seat and approached her. Exposing a muscular torso, he took off his shirt and, handing it to a woman, gently said: - Honey, on, wash.
Scientists have found that a 40-minute stay in a women's clothing store leads a man to a pre-infarction state, and a woman to a pre-infarction state.
- I want to say that people are not afraid of the cops. After all, we cops are also people and after work we are also afraid of cops who are at work.
We bought two blondes on the mouse. Well, they think how they will distinguish between them. One says: 1- Let your mouse tear off the left hind paw, and I with my right front paw? 2-rejoiced- Come on! How well you thought up! Tear off. 1- Fool !!! What I asked you to tear? 2- And I thought you should have torn the left back. 1- So! LISTEN ATTENTIVELY, fair-haired !!! Now you tear off the LEFT FRONT, and I am the right back ... In short, mice with no legs sucked out. 2- Well, what will we do now? Mice without paws ... 1- Okay, then come on, mine is black, yours is white.
Radova Ivanov stood at the guard, guarding an important state facility. Suddenly, behind his back, he heard a rustling sound. He looked around and saw the barrel of an assault rifle pointing at him. "This is fucked up," thought Ivanov. The soldier's ingenuity did not fail.

Two men vote on the track. They stand for a long time, there are no cars. Suddenly, a man with a Kamaz steering wheel runs out of the darkness. Simulates a screech of brakes and stops near them. - What, men, is the problem? Let's give a ride. - Are you a fool or something, move on. We are here somehow. He takes out the trunk and shouts: - Quickly into the car! The men got scared, ran alongside him. They are running ... 5 kilometers have run ... here again the squeal of brakes: - Hey, guys, soon the traffic police post, but I have no rights. You’re leaving now, and I’ll take a detour along the corn field, I’ll pick you up after a kilometer. The men were glad that they had disowned the fool. They approach the post and the traffic policeman: - Hey, a man forced us to flee at gunpoint 5 km here! - With a steering wheel from KAMAZ? - Yes! - Where is he!? We have been looking for him for a long time, he goes without a license! - I ran across the corn field. Without understanding anything, the men answer. The traffic cop grabs the steering wheel from the motorcycle and shouts: - Sit down, now we’ll catch him! One in the back, the other in the cradle! - What are you, man, a fool? He grabs the machine gun and yells: "Quickly to the places! One back, the other in the cradle!" There is nothing to do - the men "sat down" in their places. Three of them run across the corn field. The traffic cop yells at one: - What are you doing !? You're in the cradle! Why on straight legs? Take a seat! A man runs on bent legs, ears on the face hit him, he sees nothing, his legs hurt, he turns to a friend in the back seat and says:
- Hello, doctor, help. My wife has a headache and fever. - High? “Yes, eighty-five meters!”
An old Scot sits in a pub, sits, sips a beer, smokes a pipe. He sat, sat and said: “This mill, I built it myself, ONE (!) ... collected stones, mixed the mortar and built it ... but for some reason no one calls me McFlaren, the mill builder. He sat, sipped a beer, took a drag. - Here is this garden, which now has the largest harvests of fruits and berries, I planted myself, ONE (!) ... everyone is happy and picking fruits. But for some reason no one calls me McFlaren the gardener. He sat, sipped a beer, took a drag. - Here is the bridge, I built it myself, ONE (!), Cut down the trees, sanded and made the bridge, now cars go on it, people go. But for some reason no one calls me McFlaren the bridge builder. He sat, sipped a beer, took a drag. “But once the sheep was fucked ...”
On an exam at a medical institute, a student stubbornly calls the liver a "liver." Finally, the teacher does not stand up: - Are you at the bazaar? What a "liver"! Liver! Remember: hey! Once again I hear this - I will expel. Go to the next question. The student timidly begins: - Drake is ..
The son asks his father: “Dad, is it true that in some countries of the East the groom does not know who his wife is until he marries?” - It's in any country, son!
On television: - Our guest is the composer Tikhon Khrennikov. Tell us, what have you composed lately? - Hmmm. Well, let’s say, recently I put it to music ... - (interrupting, with horror) Yes ?! What a pity!..
Hillside, a herd of sheep and a shepherd. The shepherd calls sotik. Shepherd: Hello? Covering the pipe with his hand, sheep: This is me ...
Vovochka comes home and says to his father: -Dad, today I had my first sexual experience! Father: Well, sit down, son, tell me. Little Vovochka: Thank you, I'll stand ...
Press release of 2300: “Recent excavations of the Internet necropolis have shown that it turns out that Windows 95 is not a virus, as suggested by the fact that Windows 95 codes were found in many places, but the so-called operating system, that is, a program, which was intended to hide from the user the wretchedness of architecture and all sorts of other imperfections of ancient computers. "
- Yesterday I gathered three buckets of mushrooms in the forest for my mother-in-law. - What if they are poisonous? - What does it mean "suddenly"?
Two men are talking, one to another: - Your wife at least once forced you to masturbate in the toilet? - No - Beat your place, huh ?! A teacher in an exam at a police school notices a student's spur and takes it away. There’s nothing to do, from the hopelessness begins: - You did not have the right to take my property from me without the appropriate regulatory procedures! Teacher, sad: - Well, what do I, you young man, beat in the kidneys?
And the hero said to the Serpent Gorynych: "Come out, you filthy monster." And the filthy monster answered: "Sorry, I’m going out the next."
Two cars “met” - a girl (probably a blonde) comes out of one, a peasant from another, and he asks her: “You fool, did you even have a driving test?”, To which she replies: “Unlike you, goat, MANY times! "
If someone is able to smile when everything is bad, then he knows who to blame for everything.
A conversation between two friends: And to me yesterday, on the bus, the addict climbed into the bag. At first I did not notice, and then I look - sitting.
The addict is sitting next to the construction site. A young man approaches him and asks: - Tell me, what is it being built here? - OOOOvashee ... - What finally? - OOOOvayshee ... - Well, what finally? - LLC is your storage.
During a funeral in the cemetery, the undertaker's foreman sees that a 50-ruble note is sticking out of the deceased’s breast pocket. He immediately asked one of his brigade, under any pretext, to push people away from the grave. When this was done, and he reached for the bill, the dead man suddenly grabs his hand and shouts: m - Tax Police! Control burial! “You have your own work, but I have my own,” said the foreman and hammered nails into the coffin ...
- Yesterday I gathered three buckets of mushrooms in the forest for my mother-in-law. - What if they are poisonous? - What does it mean "suddenly"?
- Al-le ... This is fifty ... One ... Forty-six ... Thirty ... Two? - Not! - So fuck ... was the phone ... to take? ..
Honey, you are beautiful, like these flowers! “And I thought I was beautiful, like a golden bracelet.” - Not. You are beautiful like these flowers.
A man comes home with a live goat in his arms and finds his wife sitting in front of the TV. “Look, honey, this is the very cow I make love with when your head hurts.” The wife looks at him contemptuously and says: “Lord, you are so dumb that you cannot distinguish a goat from a cow!” “Lord, you are so stupid that you cannot understand that I am talking with a goat!”
The inscription inside the male engagement ring: This rare woodpecker was caught and ringed in Moscow in 1995.
The liner flies. On board the representatives of different nations ... Suddenly, an accident and we need to get rid of the excess load, and at the same time decide who to throw. Everyone decided that they would be thrown out according to the alphabetical list. The stewardess reads: -Afro-Americans ... Silence .... -Black people Silence .... A little black woman pokes her father’s hand in the side ... -Daddy called us 2 times already. Why didn’t we respond? - Remember the son !!! We are the "Niggas" right after the Mexicans
- Mykola! But why didn’t you accept the party?
- She said that at the wedding at the Old Man Makhno was, saying - he played the accordion ...
- Duck, you say that you are not.
- That’s how I will tell them, how did Kad onet tama dance? ...

- Chuv, Petro, Muscovites flew to space?
- Well, get it?

“Kum, what are you doing in my cellar?”
“I'm looking for you.”
- Why did you eat fat?
- And so that under your feet does not interfere.

Little Johnny rushes after the lesson along the corridor and nearly knocks down the school principal. He indignantly grabs his shoulder and says: “Now, come back and go quietly!” And say hello to me as your father greets friends! Little Johnny steps back a few steps, in a waddle - hands in pockets - he approaches the director, pats him on the back so that his glasses nearly pop off, and screams at the top of his lungs:
- Well, great, old x #%! I haven’t seen you for a hundred years, e $ #% your bald skull !! Not dead yet, n # $% and walrus !!!
Two friends met.
- Was the concert interesting yesterday?
- Oh, extremely! Handel's oratorio was performed!
- And what, in fact, is an oratorio?
“Wait, I'll explain to you now.” For example, if I told you: "Janusz, give me a cigar!" - this is not yet an oratorio. But if I tell you: "Janusz, Janusz, oh give me a little girl, oh give me, oh give me a little girl, little girl, little girl, give me some little girl, give me, give, give me little cigar - chinu-chinnnuu!" - this is already an oratorio!
A conversation of two new Russian:
- I’ll go to the Conservatory to study as a pianist!
-What for! 8-o
-Well! Bolshoi Theater! Great room! A bunch of people! Everyone is looking at me!
And I'm sitting on the stage and my fingers are wilting!
In the courtroom, a boxer is being tried for beating a woman. Boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, twitchy man. Referee:
“Well, tell me, Defendant, why did you beat a woman?”
- What woman - this is my mother-in-law!
“Isn't the mother-in-law a woman?” - the judge asks.
“Yes, a woman in general ...” the boxer thinks.
“Well, tell the court why you beat her.”
- Well, this, I come, it means, home, I go to, this, to the kitchen, I sit and eat. Mother-in-law - ju-ju-ju, ju-ju-ju, and I'm sitting. Mother-in-law again - ju-ju-ju, ju-ju-ju - and then she opened ...

Two in bed.
She: Please, please be with me along the coast - I’m still a girl.
He: Well, of course, everything will be as you ask, everything will be fine,
I will take care of you.
P B E R E G I S b! ! !

Two in bed.
He: Oh, if I knew that you were still a girl, I would not be in such a hurry.
She: If you were not in such a hurry, I would have managed to take off the tights.
A man creeps up to another man standing at the bus stop and pokes him on the side with a fork. Man oohuil:
- Get a fucking pussy!
Poked Sorry:
- Well, immediately offended.
A man sits with binoculars in his hand, looks out the window of a female dormitory and masturbates.
Suddenly she notices that someone is sitting nearby and doing the same.
- Who the fuck are you ...?
“There is one in a red dress.”
- And me too. Here is a prostitute!
Neither in pi ** du, nor in the Red Army - impotent with flat feet.
A good bricklayer always puts his conscience ...
It happens that everything goes like clockwork - and only then it turns out that it was petroleum jelly ...
<< Cadres decide everything! >> - How nice to be a frame!
Women in men like secondary sexual characteristics the most - cottages, car, salary ...
The doctor gives me two weeks of life, it would be nice in August ...
Your child has such delicate skin and such harsh meat ...
The symbol of March 8th ... is an infinity sign brought to an erection ...
There is no third. Well, we will get drunk together!
... left their women pregnant, went into the forest and degraded ...
Better two spans in a dick than seven spans in a forehead ...
A well-fucked wife does not need flowers.
A supermarket is a large store that has at least 10 cash desks and it does not matter that 8 of them may not work.
Guys just spend money.
Women spend money wisely!
They will spend money - and there’s no mind left either ...
- Good evening, young people! Let me introduce. Patrol service, sergeant Gorlenko. Stitching, cutting objects are available?
- Not!
- It's a shame! Maybe you have drugs?
- Yes, you probably already have enough, Comrade Sergeant !!!
Policeman reports to the driver:
- Well, how so? Rebuilt through a row, exceeded the speed twice! I also understand the Mercedes - but you! You! Tram driver !!!
From life.
Every Friday a friend and I go to a bar to hit a beer ...
This time two light beers were ordered. And a young girl (waitress) informed us that there is only dark.
What are we to her:
- Carry two dark ones and a bleach!
She left, and we sit and laugh at our joke ...
Soon she returns (hereinafter referred to as a silent scene) and brings two dark beers and a bottle of vodka.
... We were whitened that night until a piggy squeal ...
From a statement: "I ask, in addition to an allowance for harm, to pay me also for greed and obstinacy."
Two friends are talking.
“My bro had a birthday yesterday.” They gave him a ship.
- Wow! And what is he going to do with it?
- Like what? Smoked it yesterday.
Two friends at the bar:
- You know, the king of pickupers came to our city! I went to lectures for a week, gave 10 pieces!
- So how?! Any results?
- Ha! Now any girl is mine! See that beauty over there? Yesterday, in just an hour and a half, I divorced her for sex!
- Ah, this ... Yes, I’m renting it without any pickup - it’s a whore ...
Sensation!
In Dublin, the conversion of the Catholic Church to the Orthodox took place!
Last night, volunteers took out shops from the temple and dismantled the heating system ...
Russian scientists have built a computer that can answer any question by giving it the form of a phallus ...
Why did they do that? And the cock knows ...
A group of programmers asks the provider of the district military enlistment office to delete their account for spamming.
The new tariff plan from MTS - "Chatterbox - a find for a spy."
You pay only for the last minute. For the rest, those who eavesdrop on you pay extra.
- Hands off the free press!
- Of course, hands off - and her feet, feet ...
Why can I illegally connect to the oil pipeline pumping oil "there"
- but still no one has managed to connect to the money pipeline pumping money in the opposite direction?
Ksenia Sobchak was offered to the governors!
I am ready to propose to elect her immediately to the Senate - but I do not want to take on the role of Caligula ...
MP:
- He called me an idiot!
- Nonsense! Go to heredity!
Give the peasant one fish - and he will be full all day.
Teach a man to fish - and you'll be free from him all weekend.
New Nuts Advertising Story.
Three guys in black leaned on the brain and took turns frying it in the ass. Nuts comes running, pushes everyone and begins to stare at the brain.
Voice-over: Nuts! Will not allow anyone to fuck brains!
- Dear comrades! You are listening to the program "For those who would like to know, but hesitated to ask." And now by phone 333-33-33 ask your idiotic questions!
- In Belarus, an action of environmentalists took place: the good greenpeople dug up moles, put on glasses and dug them back.
- And now, Klepa, you are holding the fate of the whole world in your hands! - Caesar said with dignity when Cleopatra took him by the balls ...
Vodka on the phone: "I slowly unscrew the lid. I take it off. You take out your little folding cup!"
- Darling - does your husband know that you are cheating on him?
- Mine ?! No ... And yours knows!
“Why did your wife scream at you like that last night?”
- Yes, for the library ...
- Went to the library yesterday ?!
- Yes.
- And yelling for what ?!
- Yes, I forgot the cowards in the reader ...
The economic exchange between Russia and France is expanding: the French will send us perfumes that can be drunk, and we will give them vodka, from which there are shadows under our eyes.
After a long bargain, they shook hands ...
Then in the face.
In a hostel, a girl is being prepared for a date: "Come on 50 grams for courage!"
- Or maybe better for 100 for stupidity? ...
One organization needs a girl with experience working on a computer, desk, chair - in general, wherever you have to!
- Gentlemen, my horse bore!
- So what now, do not have an abortion for her ...
A woman comes to the doctor and says:
“Doctor, I have a gap in my left shoulder.”
- Now let's see, undress.
A woman takes off the top of her clothes, but the doctor tells her:
- No, undress completely.
“But doctor, I have a gap in my shoulder.”
- Listen, I'm the doctor, so undress completely and turn your back on me.
A woman fulfills the doctor’s request, he takes off his pants and abruptly puts her stake 7 cm in diameter behind her.
She screams in pain, and the doctor says to her: “That's what a gap is!” And what's in your shoulder is a sprain!
Two girlfriends are talking:
- Count it, it’s a dream in my hand ... I dream last night that I am in bed with such a man, and I feel so good ... And what do you think? A doorbell wakes me, I’m going to open, and my friend is standing there ... Some kind of nonsense is babbling, but I somehow understood why he came - dragged him, he didn’t even have time to squeak. Which guy, huh?
“Oh, you know, by the way, I also dreamed last night that I was eating such delicious pistachio ice cream that I even woke up.” And so I wanted him that I woke Vitka and asked him to go and buy me ice cream. And what do you think? He did not say a word, got up, got dressed and went to look for ice cream in the middle of the night. He returned only in the morning and didn’t find ice cream, though he didn’t find it - but which guy, huh?
- Yeah, so I’m saying ... I open the door, and there Vitek is standing and some garbage about ice cream pistachio loads ...