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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Laziness of a simple Russian person is not a sin, but an absolutely necessary means of neutralizing the vigorous activity of the fools leading them.
It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!
Teaching - learning the rules. Experience - the study of exceptions
In the battle of the beaver with the donkey, the beaver always wins
The purpose of the programmer: magnetize the rapidly rotating metal plates in the right places
- Airport, airport, I aboard 57, I suffer disaster! - Board 57, board 57, understand you! Cross out!
New effective contraceptive for women: "Headache pills"
Announcement. I do not drink, do not smoke. Looking for a girl who goes to the store for smoking and vodka
Monogamous can make only one woman unhappy
Evil dogs are needed to drive away good people ....
All people are like people, one I am beautiful like God
Women, for the most part, love to listen to the truth, no matter how flattering it is to them.
Parliament is a specialized exchange for buying votes from the population on unsecured bills of exchange with the subsequent sale of its own votes for prepayment.
Little tricks: Do you know that if you put a goldfish in a frying pan, then the number of desires increases to fifty?
Energy is what each child has in abundance - until you ask him to do something.
The farther you leave from your homeland, the richer the fellow countrymen will come across
Perfection in Russian mat is achieved when driving a car and working with Microsoft products ....
Actually there is no business. In the activity itself is the self of the matter - and vice versa. On the contrary, we will get a turn on, and thus turn the image. I'm not talking about the nature of the talk in the genus when already. Snakes and bonds - do you understand me, Mr. Anderson? “Of course I thought so, Smith.” Give more delay:
True - the invention of maniacs: stabs his eyes and cuts his ears (E. Kashcheev)
A modern businessman should speak in English purely and in Russian - purely specifically (E.Kashcheev)
Do not stand still, go, look for new dead ends! (E.Kashcheev)
To become rich, you need three things: intelligence, talent and a lot of money (E.Kashcheev)
Conscience? Holy, holy, unclean! (E.Kashcheev)
I'm a bum girl. It’s very cool to meet me, I don’t need to be escorted home.
Three words that every man fears: 'Honey, I'm at home ....'
Why is February 23, the Day of the Red Army, only one day celebrated? Because the next day the whole army is already blue
Honey, you know that all diseases are from nerves? It seems to me that you are worried and you will have syphilis .:
Muscovite is looking for work in a specialty or accountant (announcement)
In Tambov died the volcano, which was more than 500 thousand Russians
The world is arranged in such a way that for one person who uses the word "by no means" in his speech, there are nine who use "neither *** a"
How to find out what is outside - overcast, evening, and it is raining? Very simple - porn sites are overloaded from the influx of visitors .:
Money does not smell, those who do not have it smell
Why are married men fat and idle thin? Because a bachelor comes home from work, sees that he is in the refrigerator, and goes to sleep, and a married man comes home, sees that he is in bed, and goes to the refrigerator
Dear passengers! Our plane is piloted by a first class pilot, an honored master of parachute sport ....
Your hands have entered the idiot team and will be amputated.:
The saleswoman Gupyeva from the town of Kryzhopol suffers from chronic lack of sleep. She works in a grocery store and every day does not sleep 5-6 kg of flour and spean products ....
'Black square' ? Explains - it is a black stealing coal in the middle of the night.:
In the Far East, gpippa deserters are detained, which killed eggplants only for caviar
Historically there were two questions in Russia - "Who is to blame?" and 'What to do?' And there were two problems - fools and roads. And for some reason only in this century it became extremely clear: 'Who is to blame? - fools, "What to do? - roads" ....
Head of the Board of Directors
Cocker spaniel for sale. Mother recognized as "Best Female of Breed" (announcement)
The future mother-in-law, seeing me naked, said to her son: "Judging by the breasts, she had a lot of men!" What is her chest did not like? Previously, everyone was delighted with them .... (from correspondence with readers of the newspaper 'Speed ​​Info')
Do all the boys go to bed with the girls just to sleep? (from correspondence with readers of the newspaper 'Speed-Info')
Every summer for exactly one month in Moscow everyone starts to get to know each other, go to visit, make friends with families, houses, districts, remember their loved ones (mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers) .... But after a month it all ends - when everyone again give hot water.:
Sometimes untimely epilation stops a girl from doing rash acts.
Knowledge without evidence gives rise to faith, and knowledge with evidence gives rise to doubts
Ridiculous screaming in rage, but terrible silent in insult (Xiang Zi)
ABOUT! How did you poke and vomited!
“Fuck tibi doh,” said Hottabych. "Go away, old pedophile" - responded Volka
I am a stranger and I settled in your computer! Now, when you press the buttons, I have sex with your finger, and I know you like it, because you smile
The inscription in the minibus, Ufa: 'Dear passengers! In order to avoid injury, pay your travel time in a timely manner.
Announcement: 'Two books for the price of one:' How to become a billionaire '+' Criminal Code '- 350 rubles'
All the elections! Stop sitting in the holes! Get up and vote! (real ad on the fence.: cemeteries)
I will marry for a wedding
Take children out of the water 10 minutes before the chill
Citizens! In connection with the repair of the water supply network in the house on January 23 there will be no light. Also stock up on hot water (a real ad on the doorway)
Theory teaches us to look far ahead, and practice - under our feet
On the table are two books: thin and thick. On the fine written: "Logic." On the thick: "Female logic. Volume 32nd"
I am an adult! Now I can do everything that my mother forbade! First of all, I licked the swing in the cold and put my fingers into the socket ....
Once there was a girl in the same city. The name of this girl is Vera. And she had two girlfriends: Nadia and Lyuba. One day a serial killer appeared in the city .... In general, Nadia died last ....
Comrade district officer, do not believe my wife! I lost the refrigerator and wardrobe, I didn’t drink it
Under the lying Colonel cognac does not flow
The reprimand is not a clap - hangs and will be removed
Sunglasses do not discourage odor
There are carvings, battens and dolgo #
And Julius Caesar was weakly doing at the same time as many cases as I do not have time to do?
Not smart enough to admit nonsense
If good should be with fists, then what should be evil?
By changing her husband, the woman remains faithful to her instincts.
MARAHIMED, of course, could turn the Earth, but because it turns all the time ....
War crimes are always blamed on losers.
Rabid angel
Are drowned people washed too?
How is Zaporozhets?
Anecdote in order of the preamble. Two blondes are sitting - discussing the problems of quantum physics ... Suddenly one of them interrupts the conversation: - Look - men are coming! Let's more about rags! So, I passed the exams for the rights ... I answer questions on various road situations and I look - the examiner looks at me with interest. It is, of course, understandable - I am still very much a lady, and even in a hat - I don’t go outside without graduation from high school ... In general, I see - I want to talk to the young man: - And what is your girlfriend, a machine? - asks. - Yes, the old broken Zaporozhets, - I answer sadly. - And what a Zaporozhets? - continues the small talk young man. I, of course, understand that he wants to know whether I have a thirtieth or fortieth model (I have a fortieth one), but such lively interest shone in his eyes that I wanted to make him happy, so that there was something to tell my friends, and indeed , in a hat, or where? In general, I answer: - How is Zaporozhets? RED, of course ... THE EFFECT WAS REACHED ...
Put me flasher
When I served in the army, it was a long time ago. We had a regiment commander - Colonel Ulovistov (in my opinion). The picture is as follows. The regiment after the valiant maneuvers is going to go home in full force, to the barracks in Nizhny Novgorod. All vehicles are on the move, the regiment is standing up in front of the commander. The commander, as it should be, must go ahead of the column on the white horse (that is, the khaki goat). The commander, as always, is dissatisfied with something. Phrase: - ... And put me, finally, on # uy, flasher, so that I can mark the column! The regiment sat down ...
Log in if you can
We broke a local computer network connecting 4 computers. The reason for the breakdown was the cord connecting my computer (last) and the chief's computer. "Well, okay," - I thought, - "I will manage a day without a network." And I began to disconnect my computer and terminal thing (sorry, good people, but I don’t know its name!) I started to add to the chief’s computer. And here I am squatting in front of him, doing my own thing (as described above), and he says, having in mind Network Neighborhood and my computer, named after me: - And I see you. I am at a loss saying: - See? Well, then try it, come inside me if you can.

12 ways to get around the law of the sandwich

1. "Terminological impact". After a fall, mutual renaming of bread and butter is made, with the result that the butter is on top. 2. "Duplication of the active layer with subsequent redefinition." Sandwich spread on both sides. After the fall, the lower oil is excluded from consideration. What remains is a sandwich, buttered upwards. 3. "Sheeting". A layer of caviar is spread on top of the oil, protecting the oil in case of a fall of the sandwich. 4. "Invert with a preliminary reservation." In places where the sandwich is supposed to fall, chunks of bread are placed. After the fall, the top (original) chunk is removed, and the sandwich, which now consists of a reserve chunk and butter, lies up last. 5. "Timely installation". Butter is spread on already fallen bread. 6. "Einstein's way". The sandwich is put into near-earth orbit, where the concept of "bottom" generally loses its meaning. 7. "Rational". Butter sandwiches are excluded from the diet. 8. "Post-humanitarian". Fallen butter sandwiches are reserved for guests. 9. "Perpendicular". Sandwich smeared on the edge. 10. "Presumption of innocence". Sandwich otmazyvatsya from falling. 11. "Injection". The oil is not spread on bread, but is melted and injected with a syringe through a crust. 12. "Replacing the active layer view". In the manufacture of a sandwich instead of butter, margarine is used. Let now falls as he wants, you bastard.
- What makes the fly in my soup!
The waiter approaches, looks in, makes a regrettable look and says:
- It's so awful! I'm afraid, sir, that your animal has been poisoned ...

- Waiter, I have a fly in my soup!
- Hush, and others will hear and also will ask ...

- Waiter, I have a fly in my soup!
The waiter takes the plate, brings a new one, and there are already seven flies floating around.
- Well, is that better?

Snot froze in nose
And the eggs seem too
I walk in the frost
With a red angry face.
Only warms me
From the cold of the cruel beast
I think with a smile

Two friends are talking.
- My bro had a birthday yesterday. He was given a ship.
- Wow! And what is he going to do with it?
- Like what? Smoked yesterday.

Already the command "Equal", and the piece of paper still lies.
Mind you can not shine, but must shine with a boot!
The use of alcoholism leads to the death of large human victims.
Having heard the barking of a guard dog, the guard dog duplicates it with his voice.
The statute you should know as "Our Father." And "Our Father," you should not know.
Charter - not a dogma, but a guide to action!
The statute is your constitution.
Charters will be useful to you in life! How will you raise your children.
In the morning, make the bed perfectly so as not to do a wet cleaning afterwards.

In the morning, they refused to sing a song, today, too.
Teach commanders and senior officers to maintain the repair sequence:
carefully paint, putty, pull out extra nails.
Learn to distinguish between: where is democracy, and where - build!
He went into absenteeism and came in unnoticed.
Write the name. And write initials, only abbreviated.
The uniform is a naked torso, and all that remains of the naked torso is put on the bench.
Sportswear, underwear and slippers. Who does not - boots and T-shirt.

Stop doing business - you have to work to work!
Coniferous forest burns better than wooded.
Well rehearsed drill step looks better than figure skating!
The one who laughs without consequences well laughs.
Good is the security officer, who has a cold not only head, but his whole body.
Worse could learn better?
The church is the temple of God, the military chair is the temple of science.
Do not remember the numbers, but when asked - you can reduce them by 2 - 3 times.

Recidivist check in a mental hospital for sanity.
- Winter and summer in one color! What is it?
- Bloody sha!

- Our company is looking for a cashier.
- But you took a cashier a week ago!
- That is what we are looking for ...

“Yes, the villa is really pretty,” says the buyer. - Is it quiet enough here?
- Yes! This year, five houses were robbed, three passers-by were killed, and no one heard anything.

Two lively housewives stand in line at the store and chat:
- My husband left the hospital. He was removed appendicitis.
- And what is it?
- This is such a small process in the lower abdomen, nobody needs it, but things go better when there is none.
- You need to tell your husband about it.

The husband, who returned from a business trip, admits to his wife that he has lost his wedding ring.
“I don’t understand,” says the wife, “how can you manage to lose a ring?”
- You are to blame! I have been saying to you for a whole year that my pocket is torn!

The husband returns home and sees a note on the table:
"Hi, soup - on
the table ... wipe it clean. "

The Ministry of Education of Russia, together with Tajik traders marijuana, declared October "the month of a dazzling smile"
A terrifying incident happened at the Swan Lake ballet in Cherepovets. During the "Dance of the Little Swans," one of the dancers sneezed. In the measures of prevention of bird flu, the whole flock was killed !!!
Caught in the nuns nuns after death, they are waiting. God comes out and says:
- Tell the sisters who sinned like you.
One nun says:
-I saw manhood.
God answers her:
Well, no big deal, go wash your eyes in holy water and go to heaven.
Another nun says:
- I held manhood in my hands.
God answers her:
Well, no big deal, go wash your hands in holy water and go to heaven.
Here one of the nuns says:
-And you can rinse your mouth while no one here has washed her ass.

Son quarrels with parents:
- I'm sick of constantly being with you, always coming on time. I want romance, freedom, beer and cool girls! That's it I'm leaving! And do not try to hold me.
Heading to the exit. At the door his father catches up.
- Dad, haven't you heard? I told you not to even try to stop me!
- Wait a minute, I'm with you.

A patient came to the doctor, complaining of ill health.
Doctor to him:
“Soooo, swallow these screws ...”
The patient swallowed. Writhes all over. The pain is wild.
- What hurts?
- Vasche fucked, how painful !!!
- So, everything is clear - allergy to screws ...
"How can you not love Georgia - a beautiful country with beautiful people - our homeland? How can you not admire Georgian nature, full of rivers, mountains and forests? How can you not admire Georgian cooking, art, folklore ?!"

"How can you not rejoice at what is happening in our glorious homeland, on the banks washed by the waves of the Black Sea - the rapid growth of Tbilisi, the renewal of the whole country?"
"How can you not believe in the brilliant future of Georgia, when there are so many wonderful prerequisites, so much natural wealth, so much energy and enthusiasm among the people?"
CNN film crew arrives in the Urals to shoot a report about long-livers.
Found a grandfather, 120 years old. Ask him, what was the most interesting incident in your life? Well, the grandfather says: - I remember about 30 years ago my friend's wife was lost in the taiga. They took 5 boxes of vodka.
Let's go look for. Found, drank vodka, fucked all together the wife of a friend and returned back.
- This we can not publish. Maybe something else to tell?
“I remember 20 years ago a neighbor lost a cow in the taiga.” Well, they took 5 boxes of vodka. Let's go look for. Found They drank vodka. Fuck off all the cow.
And came back.
- Well, let us tell you the worst thing that happened to you in life.
“I remember once I got lost in the taiga ...”

The old man is dying. Relatives gathered around. Well, it means grandfather and says:
- In fact, I am fabulously rich. I have a chest full of gold and diamonds, but I buried it in the ground.
- Where is this land, grandfather?
- Earth ... is the third planet from the sun

Three went fishing in the winter. We got to the lake, threw fishing rods into the hole, and forgotten the vodka at home! They sent one to the nearest village 10 minutes away ... When he came back, he saw that one man was fucking the other. Indignantly says:
- Are you crazy? What's going on here?
One says:
- Yes, you will not believe. This fool fell into the hole, and while I got him, he was no longer breathing ...
- And what, it was necessary to have it in the ass? You'd better give him artificial respiration, what-if !!
“Well, that's how it all started ...”
A priest, a doctor and a programmer played golf together.
Moving from hole to hole, they soon caught up with three players who were moving very slowly. Angered, they called the manager and asked him what was the matter? ...
- You see, a few years ago there was a fire in our club. And these three guys saved us from total annihilation. Unfortunately, as a result of burns, they lost their sight. And we, as a token of gratitude, allowed them to play golf for free.
Priest (confused):
- ABOUT!!! I will pray fervently for God to restore their sight !!
Doctor (guilty):
- I am familiar with one of the best ophthalmologists in the world. Maybe he can ......
Programmer (casually):
- And what are they, blah, do not play at night!

When tomorrow comes, it gets better yesterday.
Anesthesia - a mysterious means by which the doctor gets rid of the advice of the patient during surgery
The fact that for one is reckless passion, for another is just a wife ...
It is very strange that the head is round - and the pillow for it is square.
They say that Pushkin had so many women that he never beat his wife.
Men in Africa are trying to marry women bigger, because of their shadow more.
It turns out that beer and milk can be diluted with the same water.
Democracy is when one of the two evils is still allowed to choose.
Our citizens do not realize that the vodka left open is exhaled.
Soap, which is 1/4 cream, is easily washed off with acetone.
Money, they are like children - while small, then requests are small.
Get yourself a pimp - and then find out your true price.

We bring to your attention a novelty - slow-cooking soup.
You ask your wife to make soup, she goes to the market, and we ask the neighbor to meet her and invite her to tea.

- All summer we splashed, bathed and rested.
- That is how stupid we spent the summer in the bathroom!

- What is the difference between modern and pre-revolutionary gymnasiums?
- In pre-revolutionary gymnasiums, students dreamed of abolishing corporal punishment.
And in the present they want to introduce corporal rewards.

"In floo so flooded!" - the Baskervilles dog thought, noting that, following Gerasim, Academician Pavlov wandered dearly along the path.

Mobile phone with polyphony. The only chance for Yuri Shatunov to stand on a par with Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Beethoven.

Dear Tatars!
What could be a Latin!
Try to write the Latin word "dick".

Only in our newspaper photo gallery of horrors: "All the stars! How would they look now without plastic surgery."
- Listen, I don’t understand one thing, why when, vests advertise, does a razor appear on the screen?
- What is there to understand? They have everything in their vests shave. Europe!

- Mom, can a 10-year-old girl have children?
- No, darling.
- So boys, we continue!

SMS message:
"Time is ticking, and the girl is waiting. If you do not call me back in 10 minutes, someone else can become the father of my child."

- Grandmother! And what was your maiden name?
- I still have a girlfriend!

A businessman came to Moscow from Latvia. The currency in Latvia at that time has changed, and has just entered lats. He, confident that everyone in Russia knows about Latvia, came to the restaurant and asked the dressmaker:
- Where can the lats be taken?
The wardrobe-man answers him:
- Hand over the lats to me, and tie the horse at the entrance ...

Odessa, Moldavanka. A robbed, undressed, shaking man is knocking on the door of a brothel. From the window of the second floor pops out the old fat hostess:
- ABOUT! Wee look at him! Naked, barefoot - and wants to fuck, already trembling!

From a letter to a family friend: "If you use my wife, then take at least part of the expenses on yourself" ...

From life.
Probably everyone knows the song "Where is my black-eyed, where - in Vologda-where-where! In the house, where the carved palisade!".
As my friend from Vologda assures me, there is only one house with a carved palisade - a skin and venereal disease dispensary ...

- Count, guys - yesterday the plan was smoking, laughing, they decided to smoke a cat ...
- Well, what a cat?
- A niche - sat with us, laughed ...

- Dear, let's go for a walk in the park. Just a minute, I'll lean over, and you see - aren't my panties visible at the same time?
- No, but in such weather it would be useful to wear them ...

Telling an English joke, you feel a sense of light superiority, while listening to an English joke, you feel a feeling of light inferiority.

Traffic police, traffic police, traffic police ...
And let's rename them to Good Smart Inspection?

Recently received rights.
Now in the subway I miss people approaching on the right.

A man spent 10 years in prison and got a taxi driver. The former friends sit down to him somehow, recognize him and ask:
- And what are you, Vova, chauffeur close up? What did not come to us, we are now businessmen, politicians, and you would find a place?
- Nah, bros ... You think it up: I'm going with a breeze, whistling. And every hundred meters they wave to me and ask: "Chef, free?" And I answer them:
"Free !!!". And then the food!

- Girl, and what is your cell phone number?
- And they stole my mobile phone!
- Yes, I know it...

Yesterday, two of them entered the apartment of citizen Ivanov, they said that they were taken from the military registration and enlistment office, and they took money, a VCR and a TV into the army.

A young guy complains to an experienced lovelace:
- Eh! I like Klawka from a nearby porch - but I just can't get her into bed!
- And you bold, ponaporisti be with her!
- Yes, how much more energetic ?! So I have broken my mouth, I installed a fingal, crumbled three teeth ..

At the government reception, Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov leads a smiling businessman to Defense Minister Sergei Ivanov:
- Sergey Borisovich, let me introduce you to the head of one of the largest French banks ...
The businessman, smiling even wider, gives Sergei Ivanov a business card.
He, barely looking at her, turns purple and yells:
- You yourself suck dick, bourgeois premature !!!
Diplomatic scandal, businessman in indignation, Igor Ivanov - in a swoon:
- Sergey Ivanovich - well, what kind of fly has bitten you?
- Yes, he gives me a business card, and on it is written: CONNECT, GENERAL ...
Igor Ivanov, almost crying:
- Sergey Ivanovich, Sosite General in French reads "Societe Generale" ...

A peasant quarreled with his wife and sent her to the devil in their hearts. And the devil took it and took it ...
The man lived a month. Boring Comes to hell and says:
- Give me your wife.
The devil replies:
- I will, if you recognize her three times ...
- I will find out!
Drives him to the big room. And there are a lot of naked women, and they all stand with their backs to the peasant. The man walked three times along them - and all three times he unmistakably guessed his ...
Damn pestered him:
- Listen - how do you do it?
- It’s very simple ... Walking along bare asses is worth it. As soon as I go to my place, it falls ...
Two friends met, got drunk in the "boob".
The first:
- Come to spend the night with me - and then you far to the house, you will not get more ...
- Let's go to!
Priperty home, went to bed.
In the morning:
- One zero!
- In what sense?!
- In the meantime, you slept like a log - I fucked you in the ass!
In short, they quarreled, made up, forgot ...
A year later, the story repeats, but now has a second friend overnight. In the morning:
- One one!
- Not understood?!
- Well, remember - last year, when you spent the night, you fucked me ...
So this night I won back on you!
- Yes, I was joking then ....
- ??? Well, then one - zero!

Freedom means choice, but choice means restriction of freedom.
We harness long, but quickly unravel and do not go anywhere.
It is only foreigners who give bribes in Russia, and our people do not give - they angrily express gratitude!
All those who licked America’s ass, supporting its attack on Iraq, are now licking their own language in the same language.
The desire of a woman is law as long as the desire of a man is a woman.
Buy << Mercedes >>! Share your joy with the hijacker!
Fairy tales are lies. Put them on them.
Mary Poppins is a badly celebrated Mary Christmas!
Although advertising and shit - but people like flies.
If you fail to break the record, there is a temptation to beat its owner.
I like an echo surrender to the mountains!
I'm on guard all night, but useless!
In our free domestic hospitals, if you can get something for free, so it is - any expensive illness.
Watched boxing. Again beat Klitschko. Liked...
The king threw a message all over the Internet: "Whoever makes my princess Nesmeianu laugh, I will give half the kingdom!" ...
And he had to give half the kingdom only in order to get rid of spam.
- And for the goat answer ... Cabbage!
Surgeon to the patient:
- Of course, you are not the Venus de Milo - but we will amputate your hands ...
Physician - Priest:
- Holy Father - I would like you to help me not to go to hell ...
- Well, doctor - if you help me not to go to heaven ...
- And do you know that only wine produced in France, in the Champagne region, can be called real champagne ?! This cognac is made only from grapes grown in the province of Cognac ....
- Yeah! And the real vodka is the one that personally mixed DI Mendeleev !!!
- Dear! I want to buy a new blouse. What do you think a beautiful blouse should look like?
- Well, so tall, slender ...
Baba Yaga is walking through the forest. Look - lies Snake Gorynych, hacked into pieces, bleeding to death ...
Yaga threw up her hands:
- This is what you like, Gorynushka ?! Probably, Ilyushka Muromets again fake vodka drunk?
- Yes, worse ... Surgeons rested here ... So, they got drunk - and it seemed to them that I was Siamese twins. So they divided ...
Want to campaign against bribery?
Let's do it. It will be necessary only to grease someone in the Duma ...
- Why, after the election of the President of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin congratulated Yanukovych on a non-existent victory?
- Because goats should always keep together !!!
Footballers Roma look out in amazement from the windows of the bus, hardly moving along the crowded streets of Kiev.
- What are they doing here?
“Nothing special,” the coach reassures, “yesterday was the final of the elections.
We played a draw. Now the penalty kick beat ...
- Let's call phone sex?
- We are already grown-up guys - let's go.
Concert. Guitarist turns to bass player:
- What are we playing?
- "I love you".
- Ay lav yu tu ... And we play something ?!
- Why do doctors at the patient speak Latin?
- And what, let the patient get used to the dead language ...
- Buy rubber women! And the quality is excellent and do not take extra money.
A man comes in to Laura, dumps his farm on the table.
- What are you complaining about?
- On the tonsils!
- Yes, my wife has very large tonsils! Look - the whole member is scratched!
From life.
I persuade yesterday one of his girlfriend for anal sex ...
She - no, you know, you can’t excite me so much that I wanted THERE ... I had a lover who could excite me so much that I gave myself!
- What did he do ?????
She is:
- He bought me such a bracelet ....
- Yesterday I went fishing!
- So how?
- A cool fish caught!
- Who is this appetino crunches? Maybe chips "estrell"?
- No - it's me, fucking cockroach press ...
In Moscow, a satirist festival was held under the title "Woe, need and distress of Russians in jokes and reprises."
Do you have dry skin, greasy hair, crooked legs?
Do not despair !!!
A bottle of vodka, presented to your husband, will return to you the former freshness and beauty ...
- Give me the seasons.
- Spring, autumn, winter.
- You called only three, but where is summer?
- We with the whole family asked ourselves this question this year!
Ukrainian voters cannot decide in any way: who can be trusted for the next few years with the honorable right to plunder all the remaining fat ...
Crimea plans separation from Ukraine.
Four cars of TNT have already been fitted to the isthmus.
Some figovin stuck to the world axis of evil!
Looked closely: ba - yes it is Ukraine!
Crimea plans to join Turkey. Already purchased two bagras.
Festively dressed students ran up to the presidential motorcade and offered to wash the car for 5 bucks.
Instead of tea "Cheerfulness" a new tea "Greed" went on sale.
All twenty-five bags are tied to one string.
... To the question: “How do you live?” - dirty cursed, rolled on the floor, beat his head against the wall - in general, he left the answer ...
A man comes to the director of the circus.
- There is a funky number. I climb under the dome of the circus and jump upside down from 20 meters into the arena without any insurance. I get up from the playpen, I greet the public. Will go?
- And how much do you want for it?
- Three hundred dollars for each jump.
- Well, we must see ...
Go to the arena, the man climbs under the very dome, jumping down. A terrible blow to the head of the playpen, sawdust in all directions ... A man, swaying, rises ...
- In general, not bad. So three hundred dollars ...
- Three thousand!
- How are three thousand ?! You just said - three hundred.
- Well, I have not tried it yet ...
Goes through the forest Ivan-Tsarevich, sees a frog.
She says to him:
- Kiss me, I will become a princess of beauty unwritten and then I will be your wife!
Lustful Ivan kissed a frog, she became a supermodel - he otbechen her immediately for the most nekhuchu and let's get dressed.
- Where are you, Vanya? - asks the princess - but what about the wedding ?!
The Tsarevich got angry at such a thing, as he charged her from the left to the forehead - the princess turned over three times and hit the ground - and again became a frog
He looked, looked, thought, thought, approached, took a frog, put it in his pocket:
- A handy thing after all!