My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The laziness of a simple Russian man is not a sin, but an absolutely necessary means of neutralizing the seething activity of guiding fools
It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!
Teaching is the study of rules. Experience - examining exceptions
In the battle of the beaver with the donkey, beaver always wins
The purpose of the programmer's work is to magnetize rapidly rotating metal plates in the right places
- Airport, airport, I board 57, I suffer a disaster! - Board 57, board 57, you understand! I cross out!
New effective contraceptive for women: "Tablets for a headache"
Ad. I do not drink, I do not smoke. Looking for a girl who goes to the store for tobacco and vodka
Monogamous can make only one woman unhappy
Evil dogs are necessary to drive away good people ....
All people as people, one I'm beautiful like God
Women, in their majority, like to listen to the truth, however much she flattered them
Parliament is a specialized exchange for buying votes from people under unsecured bills with the subsequent sale of their own votes on prepayment
Little tricks: Did you know that if you put a goldfish in a frying pan, then the number of wishes increases to fifty?
Energy is something that is abundant in every child - until you ask him to do something
The further you leave your homeland, the more fortunate fellow countrymen come across
Perfection in Russian mate is achieved when driving a car and working with Microsoft products ....
In fact, the business itself is not. In the activity itself is the selfness of the matter - and vice versa. Conversely, we will get a turn on, and thus reverse the image. I'm not talking about the nature of dialects in the genus at already. Do you understand me, Mr. Anderson? "Of course, I did, Smith." Give more time:
The truth is the invention of maniacs: the tunic of the eye and cuts the ears (E.Kashcheev)
A modern businessman should speak English purely and in Russian - purely specifically (E.Kashcheev)
Do not stand still, go, look for new dead ends! (E.Kashcheev)
To become rich, you need three things: the mind, talent and a lot of money (E.Kashcheev)
Conscience? Holy, holy, unclean! (E.Kashcheev)
I'm a homeless girl. It's very fun to get acquainted with me, because I do not need to be seen off home .:
Three words that every man is afraid of: 'Darling, I'm at home ....'
Why on February 23, the Day of the Red Army, is only one day celebrated? Because the next day the whole army is blue
Darling, you know that all the diseases are from the nerves? It seems to me that you are worried, and you will have syphilis:
Москвичка searches for work on a specialty or as the bookkeeper (announcement)
In Tambov there was a wolf, which was more than 500 thousand people
The world is so arranged that one person who uses the word "not at all" in the speech has nine, using "neither *** a"
How to find out what's on the street - overcast, evening, and it's raining? Very simply - porn sites are overloaded from the influx of visitors:
Money does not smell, they smell like those who do not have them
Why are married men fat, and single thin? Because the bachelor comes home from work, sees that he is in the fridge, and goes to bed, and the married man comes home, sees what's in his bed, and goes to the refrigerator
Dear passengers! Our aircraft is piloted by a pilot of the first class, a well-deserved master of parachute sport ....
Your hands have introduced an idiotic team and will be amputated.:
Prodavshchitsa Gurev from the city of Kpyzhopolya suffers from chronic lack of sleep. She works in a grocery store and does not sleep enough daily for 5-6 kg of flour and baked goods ....
'Black square' ? I explain - this negro steals coal in the middle of the night.:
In the Far East, a group of grazers is grabbed, which are eaten by eggplants only for sake of caviar
Historically, there were two questions in Russia: "Who is to blame?" And 'What should I do?' And there were two problems - fools and roads. And for some reason only in this century it became very clear: "Who is to blame? - fools', 'What to do? - roads' ....
Chairman of the Board of Directors
A cocker spaniel is on sale. Mother is recognized as the "Best Bitch of the Breed" (announcement)
The future mother-in-law, seeing me naked, said to her son: "Judging by the breasts, she had a lot of men!" Why did not she like her breasts? Previously, everyone was delighted with them .... (from correspondence with the readers of the newspaper "Speed-Info")
Do all the boys go to bed with the girls just to sleep? (From correspondence with the readers of the newspaper 'Speed-Info')
Every summer, for exactly one month in Moscow, everyone starts to get acquainted with each other, go on a visit, make friends with families, homes, neighborhoods, remember their loved ones (moms, grandmothers, grandfathers) .... But in a month it all ends - when everyone again Give hot water.:
Sometimes not done in time hair removal stops a girl from doing rash things
Knowledge without evidence breeds faith, and knowledge with evidence is doubtful
Ridiculous screaming in fury, but terrified silent in offense (Xiang-tzu)
ABOUT! How you fucked and looked!
"Three fucking dobies," said Khottabych. "Go away, old pedophile" - answered Volka
I'm an alien and I settled in your computer! Now that you press the buttons, I have sex with your finger, and I know that you like it because you smile
The inscription in the minibus, Ufa: 'Dear passengers! To avoid injury, pay your travel on time '
Announcement: 'Two books for the price of one:' How to become a billionaire '+' Criminal Code '- 350 rubles'
All for the elections! Enough of sitting in holes! Stand up and vote! (Real ad on the fence.: Cemeteries)
I will marry for a joint wedding
Take the children out of the water 10 minutes before the onset of chills
Citizens! In connection with the repair of the water supply network in the house on January 23 there will be no light. Also stock up hot water (real ad on the door of the entrance)
Theory teaches us to look far ahead, and practice is at our feet
On the table are two books: thin and thick. On thin it is written: "Logic". On thick: "Female logic, Volume 32"
I'm of age! Now I can do everything that my mother forbade! The first thing licked in the frost swing and put his fingers in the socket ....
Once upon a time there was a girl in one city. The girl's name was Vera. And she had two friends: Nadya and Lyuba. Once in the city appeared serial killer maniac .... In general, Nadia died last ....
Comrade precinct, do not believe his wife! I lost the fridge and the wardrobe, not the drink
Under the lying Colonel, brandy does not flow
A reprimand is not a tripper - it depends and removes
Smell sunglasses do not beat off
There are hollows, holes and dolbo
And it was weak for Julia Caesar to do so many things at the same time, how many do not I have time to do?
Not smart enough to admit to stupidity
If good should be with the kulaks, then what should be evil?
Changing her husband, the woman remains faithful to her instincts
Markhimed, of course, could turn the Earth, but it always turns ....
War crimes are always blamed for the vanquished
An angry angel
Do they also wash the drowned people?
Like what Zaporozhets?
Anecdote in the order of the preamble. Two blondes are sitting - discussing the problems of quantum physics ... Suddenly one of them interrupts the conversation: - Look - the guys are coming! Let's talk about rags soon! So, I took exams for the rights ... I answer myself questions on different road situations and I look - the examiner is interested so looking at me. Of course, it's understandable - the young lady, I'm still very much even nothing, and even in a hat - I do not go out without leaving school ... In general, I see - I want to talk to the young man: - And what a girl, a car? - Asks. "Yes, the old beaten Zaporozhets," I say sadly. - And what Zaporozhets? - the young man continues to talk. Of course, I understand that he wants to know whether my thirtieth or fortieth model (I'm just the forties), but such a lively interest was shining in his eyes, that I wanted to please him, so that there was something to tell my friends about, and indeed in general , In the hat I or where? In general, I answer: - What Zaporozhets? RED, of course ... THE EFFECT WILL ACHIEVE ...
Leave me the flasher
When I served in the army, it was a long time ago. We had a regiment commander-Colonel Ulovistov (in my opinion). The picture is as follows. The regiment, after valorous maneuvers, is going to go home in full force, to the barracks in Nizhny Novgorod. All the cars are on the run, the regiment is standing before the commander. The commander, as well as it is necessary, should go ahead of the column on a white horse (i.e., goat khaki). The commander, as always, is dissatisfied with something. Phrase: - ... And put me, finally, at # uh, flasher, so I can designate a column! The regiment sat down ...
Come in if you can
We broke down the local computer network, which connects 4 computers. The cause of the breakdown was a cord that connects my computer (the last one) and the computer of the chief. "Well, all right," - I thought, "I'll manage a day without a network." Also began to disconnect the computer and final piece (forgive, people kind, but I do not know its name!) I began to attach to the computer of the chief. And here I sit in front of him squatting, doing my job (described above), and he says, referring to the Network Environment and my computer, named after my name: - And I see you. I'm at a loss: "Do you see?" Well, then try it, come into me if you can.

12 ways to get around the law of a sandwich

1. "Terminological influence". After the fall, a mutual renaming of bread and oil is made, as a result of which the oil comes from above. 2. "Duplicate active layer with subsequent redefinition". The sandwich is spread on both sides. After falling, the lower oil is excluded from consideration. What remains is just a sandwich lying butter up. 3. "Protective coating". The oil on top is smeared with a layer of caviar, which protects the oil in the event of a sandwich falling. 4. "Inversion with pre-reservation". In places where the sandwich falls, slices of bread are placed. After falling, the upper (original) hunk is removed, and the sandwich, consisting now of the reserve slice and oil, lies upward last. 5. "Timely installation". Oil is smeared on already fallen bread. 6. "The way of Einstein." A sandwich is taken out into a near-earth orbit, where the concept of "bottom" generally loses its meaning. 7. "Rational". Sandwiches with butter are excluded from the diet. 8. "Post-humanitarian". Fallen sandwiches with butter are reserved for guests. 9. "Perpendicular". Sandwich spreads on the edge. 10. "The presumption of innocence". Sandwich otmazyvaetsya from falling. 11. "Injection". The oil is not smeared on the bread, but is melted and is injected with a syringe under the crust. 12. "Change the view of the active layer". When making a sandwich, instead of oil, margarine is used. Let him fall as he wants, bastard.
"What does the fly do in my soup!"
The waiter approaches, peeps, makes a deplorable look and says:
- It's so awful! I'm afraid, sir, that your animal has been poisoned ...
- Waiter, I have a fly in the soup!
- Hush, otherwise the others will hear and also ask ...
- Waiter, I have a fly in the soup!
The waiter takes a plate, brings a new one, and there are already seven flies swam.
"Well, is that better?"
Sopli froze in the nose
And the eggs are similar too.
I'm going through the frost ringing
With a red angry erypsipelas.
One only heats me
From the cold fierce beast
With a smile I think I
MOSKALYM MORE COLD !!!!
Two friends are talking.
"My brother had a birthday yesterday." He was given a ship.
- Wow! And what is he going to do with it?
- Like what? We smoked it yesterday.
Already the team "Equal", but the piece of paper is still there.
You can not shine with your mind, but you must shine with a boot!
The use of alcoholism leads to the death of large human casualties.
Hearing the barking of the sentry dog, the sentry duplicates his voice.
You must know the Charter as "Our Father". And you do not need to know "Our Father".
The Charter is not a dogma, but a guide to action!
The Constitution is your constitution.
Charters will be useful to you in life! How will you educate your children.
In the morning, fill the bed perfectly, so as not to do wet cleaning afterwards.
In the morning they refused to sing a song, today, too.
Teach commanders and elders to withstand the succession of repairs:
Gently paint, zashpaklyuy, pull out the extra nails.
Learn to distinguish: where is democracy, and where is the order!
He left for an unauthorized absence and came in unnoticed.
Surname write. And write the initials, only in abbreviated form.
The form of clothes is a bare torso, and everything that remains of the bare torso, put on a bench.
The form of sports, panties and slippers. Who does not have boots and a T-shirt.
Enough to do it - you need to work!
Coniferous forest burns better than wooded.
Well rehearsed drill step looks better than figure skating!
He laughs best who laughs without consequences.
It's good that the Chekist, who has not only a cold head, but also the whole body.
Worse could have been better to learn?
The church is a temple of God, the military department is a temple of science.
Figures do not remember, but when asked - you can reduce them 2 - 3 times.
The recidivist is checked in the mental hospital for sanity.
- In winter and summer in one color! What is it?
- Blood-sha!
- Our company is looking for a cashier.
"But you took a cashier a week ago!"
- Here it is we are looking for ...
- Yes, the villa is really nice, - says the buyer. "Is it quiet enough here?"
- Yes! This year five houses were robbed here, three passers-by killed, and no one heard anything.
Two smart housewives stand in line at the store and chat:
"My husband left the hospital." He was removed appendicitis.
- And what is it?
"It's such a small procession in the bottom of the abdomen that nobody needs, but things go better when it's not there."
"I need to tell my husband about this."
The husband, who returned from a business trip, confesses to his wife that he has lost the wedding ring.
"I do not understand," the wife says, "how can you manage to lose the ring?"
"It's all your fault!" I've been telling you for a whole year that I have a pocket!
The husband returns home and sees a note on the table:
"Hello, soup - on
Table ... wipe it off. "
The Russian Ministry of Education, together with Tajik marijuana merchants, announced October as "The Month of a Dazzling Smile"
A terrible incident happened at the ballet "Swan Lake" in Cherepovets. During the "Dance of the Little Swans" one of the ballerinas sneezed. In measures to prevent avian flu, the whole flock was killed !!!
They fell into the nest of a nun after death, they are waiting. There comes a god and says:
-Well, tell the sisters who of you has sinned.
One nun says:
-I saw male dignity.
God answers her:
-Well, do not worry, go wash the eyes in the holy water and go to heaven.
Another nun says:
-I held a man's dignity in my hands.
God answers her:
-Well, do not worry, go wash your hands in the holy water and go to heaven.
Then one of the nuns says:
-And you can rinse your mouth, while here no one has washed your ass.
The son quarrels with his parents:
- I'm tired of constantly being with you, always coming on time. I want romance, freedom, beer and cool girls! That's it I'm leaving! And do not try to hold me back.
It is directed to the exit. At the door his father is catching up.
- Daddy, did not you hear? I told you not to even try to stop me!
"Wait a minute, I'm with you."
The patient came to the doctor, complains of ill health.
The doctor to him:
- Sooooo, swallow these screws ...
The patient swallowed. All is writhing. The pain is wild.
"What hurts?"
- Finally fucking, it hurts!
- So, everything is clear - the allergy to screws ...
"How can you not love Georgia - a beautiful country with beautiful people - our homeland?" How can one not admire the Georgian nature, full of rivers, mountains and forests? How can one not admire the Georgian cuisine, art, folklore ?! "
"How can you not rejoice at what is happening in our glorious homeland, on the shores washed by the waves of the Black Sea - the rapid growth of Tbilisi, the renewal of the whole country?"
"How can you not believe in the brilliant future of Georgia, when there are so many wonderful prerequisites, so much natural wealth, so much energy and enthusiasm among the people?"
Comes CNN film crew to the Urals to shoot a report about the long-livers.
Found a grandfather, 120 years old. Ask him, what was the most interesting incident in your life? Well grandfather said: - I remember about 30 years ago the friend's wife was lost in the taiga. We took 5 boxes of vodka.
Let's go look. Found, drank vodka, fucked all together wife friend and returned back.
- This we can not publish. Can still tell me something?
- I remember about 20 years ago a neighbor in a taiga lost her neighbor. Well, they took 5 boxes of vodka. Let's go look. Found. We drank the vodka. Otymeli all the cow.
And they returned back.
- Well, let's tell you the most terrible thing that happened to you in life.
- I remember once I was lost in the taiga ...
The old man is dying. Around gathered relatives. Well, it means grandfather and says:
- Actually, I'm fabulously rich. I have a chest full of gold and diamonds, but I buried it in the ground.
"Where is this land, grandfather?"
- Earth ... this is the third planet from the sun
Went three to fish in the winter. We reached the lake, put the fishing rods in the ice-hole, and forgot the vodka! They sent one to the nearest village in 10 minutes of walking ... When he came back, he sees that one man fucks another. Indignantly says:
- Are you foolish at all? What's going on here?
One says:
"You would not believe it." This fool fell into an ice hole, and while I got it, he was no longer breathing ...
- And what, it was necessary to have him in the ass? You'd better give him artificial respiration, what-if !!
- Well, that's how it all started ...
The priest, doctor and programmer played golf together.
Moving from the hole to the hole, they soon caught up with three players who moved terribly slowly. Indignant, they called the steward and asked him, what's the matter? ...
Manager:
- You see, a few years ago there was a fire in our club. And these three guys saved us from complete annihilation. Unfortunately, as a result of burns, they lost sight. And we as a token of gratitude allowed them to play at our golf for free.
Priest (embarrassed):
- ABOUT!!! I will pray fervently for God to restore sight to them !!
The doctor (guilty):
- I am familiar with one of the best ophthalmologists in the world. Maybe he can ......
Programmer (carelessly):
"Why, they're not playing at night, blah!"
When it comes tomorrow, it's getting better yesterday.
Anesthesia is a mysterious means by which a doctor gets rid of the advice of a patient during an operation
The fact that for one - reckless passion, for another - just a wife ...
It's very strange that the head is round - and the pillow for it is square.
They say that Pushkin had so many women that he never beat his wife.
Men in Africa are trying to take more women as wives because they have a bigger shadow.
It turns out that beer and milk can be diluted with the same water.
Democracy is when two evils are still given to choose.
Our citizens do not know that the leftover vodka is exhausted.
Soap, which is 1/4 of the cream, easily washed with acetone.
Money, they are like children - while small, then the requests are small.
Get a pimp - and then find out your true price.
We bring to your attention a novelty - a soup of slow cooking.
You ask your wife to make soup, she goes to the bazaar, and we ask her neighbor to meet her and invite her to tea.
- All summer we splashed, bathed and rested.
- That's how mediocre we spent the summer in the bathroom!
- What is the difference between modern grammar schools and prerevolutionary ones?
- In pre-revolutionary gymnasiums, students dreamed of repealing corporal punishment.
And in the present they want to introduce bodily incentives.
"In poperlo so poperlo!" - the Baskervilles dog thought, noticing that after Academician Gerasim along the footpath Academician Pavlov wandered sullenly.
Mobile phone with polyphony. The only chance for Yuri Shatunov to stand on a par with Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Beethoven.
Dear Tatars!
What a Latin can be!
Try Latin to write the word "dick."
Only in our newspaper is a photo gallery of horrors: "All the stars! How would they look now without plastic surgery."
- Listen, I alone will not understand why, when the vests advertise, the razor appears on the screen?
- What is there to understand? They have everything in their vests shaving. Europe!
- Mom, and a 10-year-old girl can have children?
- No, darling.
- So the boys, continue!
SMS message:
"Time goes by, and the girl is waiting." If you do not call me back in 10 minutes, someone else may be the father of my child. "
- Grandmother! And what was your maiden name?
- I still have a girlfriend!
The businessman came to Moscow from Latvia. The currency in Latvia at that time has once changed, and have just entered an armor. He, confident that in Russia everyone knows about Latvia, came to the restaurant and asked the cloakroom attendant:
"Where can I take the lats?"
The cloakroom attendant replies to him:
- Hand me over the lats, and tie the horse at the entrance ...
Odessa, Moldavanka. At the door of the brothel, a robbed man, stripped naked, shaking, knocks. From the second-floor window protrudes an old fat hostess:
- ABOUT! Vee look at him! Naked, barefoot - and wants to fuck, already trembling!
From a letter to a friend of the family: "If you use my wife, then at least part of the cost for yourself" ...
From life.
Probably everyone knows the song "Where is my black-eyed, where - in Vologda, where-where! In the house where the carved palisade!".
As my friend from Vologda assures me, there is only one house with a carved palisade - a skin and venereal dispensary ...
- Estimate, boys - yesterday the plan was smoked, laughed, they decided to smoke a cat ...
- Well, what's the cat?
- And Nitsche - with us sat, laughed ...
"Darling, let's go for a walk in the park." Wait a minute, I'm bending over, and you look - are my panties visible at the same time?
- No, but in this weather it would be superfluous to wear them ...
Telling an English anecdote, you feel a sense of easy superiority, listening to an English joke, you feel a feeling of slight inferiority.
GAI, STSI, DOBDD ...
And let's rename them into a Good Intelligent Inspectorate?
Recently received the rights.
Now in the subway I miss people approaching from the right.
The man spent 10 years in prison and got a taxi driver. Some former friends sit down somehow, learn it and ask:
- And what are you, Vovan, chauffeur locked up? What has not come to us, we are now businessmen, politicians, and you would have found a place?
- Nope, brothers ... You figure it out: I'm going with a breeze, I'm whistling. And every 400 meters they wave me and ask: "Chef, is he free?" And I answer them:
"It's free !!!". And then the food!
- Girl, and what is your cell phone number?
- And my cell phone was stolen!
- Yes, I know it...
Yesterday, two people entered the apartment of citizen Ivanov, they said that they were from the military registration and enlistment office, and they took money, a video recorder and a television set.
The young fellow complains to the experienced ladies' man:
- Eh! I like Klavka from the next entrance - but I can not drag her to bed!
- And you are brave, ponaporiste with it be!
- Yes, how much energetic ?! So I fell down the mouth, put the finale, I tore out three teeth ..
At a government reception, Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov brings a smiling businessman to Defense Minister Sergei Ivanov:
- Sergey Borisovich, let me introduce you to the head of one of the largest French banks ...
The businessman, smiling even wider, gives Sergei Ivanov a business card.
He, just glancing at her, turns purple and yells:
- You suck suck, burzhuy prematurely !!!
Diplomatic scandal, a businessman in indignation, Igor Ivanov - in a faint:
- Sergei Ivanovich - well, what kind of fly did you bite?
- Yes, he gives me a business card, and it says: SUCK, GENERAL ...
Igor Ivanov, almost crying:
- Sergei Ivanovich, Sosiete Gernal in French reads "Societe Generale" ...
The man and his wife quarreled and sent her to hell in the hearts. And the devil took it and took it ...
The man lived a month. It's boring. Fits to the devil and says:
"Give your wife."
The devil replies:
"I'll give it back, if you recognize it three times ..."
- I recognize!
Turns him in the big room. And there are many naked women, and all stand with their backs to the peasant. The peasant three times walked along them - and all three times accurately guessed his ...
The devil pestered him:
- Listen - how do you do it?
- Yes, it's very simple ... I'm walking along the bare asses - it's worth it. As soon as I come to my - it falls ...
Two friends met, they got drunk in a "boob."
First:
- Let's go to sleep with me - otherwise you'll be far from home, you will not reach yet ...
Second:
- Let's go to!
They stuck home, went to bed.
In the morning:
- One zero!
- In what sense?!
- And while you slept like a dead man - I fucked you in the ass!
Shorter quarreled, reconciled, forgotten ...
A year later the story repeats itself, but now they spend the night with their second friend. In the morning:
- One one!
- Do not understand?!
- Well, remember - last year, when you spent the night, you fucked me ...
So this night I recouped you!
- Yes, I was joking then ....
- ??? Well then, one is zero!
Freedom implies choice, but choice implies restriction of freedom.
We harness for a long time, but we quickly unharness and do not go anywhere.
It's only foreigners giving bribes in Russia, and our people do not give - they express their grievances angrily!
Everyone who licked America's ass, supporting her attack on Iraq, now lays her own tongue in the same language.
The woman's desire is the law until the desire of the man is a woman.
Buy a Mercedes! Share your joy with the hijacker!
Fairy tales are a lie. Put them on them.
Mary Poppins is a badly celebrated Mary Christmas!
Although advertising and shit - but people like flies.
If you can not break the record in any way, then there is a temptation to beat its owner.
I'm like an echo in the mountains!
I'm on the alert all night, but it's useless!
In our free domestic hospitals, if you can get anything for free, it's any expensive diseases.
I watched boxing. Again they beat Klitschko. Liked...
The tsar threw the messager all over the Internet: "Who will make my princess Nesmeyan laugh, I'll give him half the kingdom!" ...
And he had to give half the kingdom only in order to get rid of spam.
- And for a goat you will answer ... Cabbage!
Surgeon - patient:
"Of course, you are not Venus de Milo, but we amputate your hands ..."
Doctor to the priest:
- Holy Father - I would like you to help me not to go to hell ...
"Well, doctor, if you help me not to go to heaven ..."
- And do you know that real champagne can only be called the wine that is produced in France, in Champagne? This cognac is prepared only from grapes grown in the province of Cognac ....
- Aha! A real vodka is one that DI Mendeleev personally mixed !!!
- Dear! I want to buy myself a new blouse. What do you think should look like a beautiful blouse?
- Well, a tall one, slender ...
There is Baba Yaga in the forest. Look - the serpent Gorynych lies, chopped to pieces, bleeding to death ...
Yaga threw up her hands.
"Is this you, Gorishnushka?" I suppose, Ilyushka Muromets again sprinkled some vodka?
- Yes it's worse ... Surgeons here rested ... So, they got drunk - and it occurred to them that I am Siamese twins. So they divided it ...
Do you want to conduct a campaign to combat bribery?
Let's do it. We'll just have to spoil someone in the Duma ...
- Why, after the election of the President of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin congratulated Yanukovych on a non-existent victory?
- Because goats must always stay together !!!
Roma football players peeked out of the windows of the bus, with difficulty moving around the crowded streets of Kiev.
"What's going on here?"
- Nothing special, - reassures the coach, - yesterday was the final of the election.
They played a draw. Now the penalties are being beaten ...
- Let's call sex on the phone?
- We are already grown-up guys - let's go.
Concert. The guitarist turns to the bassist:
"What are we playing?"
- "I love you".
- A little bit of that ... And we play something!
- Why do doctors speak Latin in the patient?
- And what, let the patient get used to the dead language ...
- Buy rubber women! And the quality is excellent and you do not take extra money.
The peasant comes to Laura, dumps his farm on the table.
"What are you complaining about?"
- On the tonsils!
-?!?
- Yes, my wife is very large tonsils! Look - the whole member scratched!
From life.
I persuade one of my girlfriends to have anal sex yesterday ...
She - no, you know, you can not get me to be excited so much, so that I THOUGHT wanted ... Here was my lover, who could excite me so much that I gave myself up!
I:
- What did he do ?????
She is:
- He bought me this bracelet ....
- Yesterday I went fishing!
- So how is it?
- Cool fish caught!
"Who's crackling that appetite?" Can chips "ESTRELLA"?
- No - it's me, fucking, I press the cockroaches ...
In Moscow there was a festival of satirists called "Grief, need and distress of Russians in jokes and reprises."
Do you have dry skin, oily hair, crooked legs?
Do not despair!
A bottle of vodka, presented to your husband, will bring back your freshness and beauty ...
"Tell me the seasons."
- Spring, autumn, winter.
"You named only three, but where is the summer?"
"We asked the whole family this question this year!"
Ukrainian voters can not decide in any way: whom to entrust for the next several years the honorable right to steal all the remaining fat ...
Crimea plans to secede from Ukraine.
Four carriages of TNT have already arrived at the isthmus.
To the world axis of evil some figovina stuck!
They looked closely: this is Ukraine!
Crimea plans to join Turkey. Already bought two haggas.
Festively dressed schoolchildren ran up to the presidential cortege and offered to wash the car for 5 bucks.
Instead of tea "Cheerfulness" the new tea "Greed" was on sale.
All twenty-five packets are tied to one rope.
... To the question: "How do you live?" - dirty mastilsya, rolling on the floor, hitting his head against the wall - in general, from the answer left ...
A man comes to the director of the circus.
- There is a stunned number. I go up to the circus dome and jump upside down from 20 meters to the arena without any insurance. I get up from the arena, I greet the audience. Will it go?
- And how much do you want for this?
"Three hundred dollars for every jump."
- Well, we must see ...
They go to the arena, the man climbs under the dome, jumps down. A terrible blow to the head of the arena, in all directions of sawdust ... The peasant, swaying, rises ...
Director:
- In general, not bad. So three hundred dollars ...
- Three thousand!
"How three thousand?" You just said three hundred.
- Well, I still have not tried ...
Ivan the Tsarevich walks through the forest, sees a frog.
She said to him:
- Kiss me, I will become a princess beauty unwritten and then I'll be your wife!
He kissed the lustful Ivan the frog, she turned into a supermodel - he immediately chewed it off the most nehochu and let's get dressed.
"Where are you going, Vanyusha?" - asks the princess, - but what about the wedding ?!
The tsarevich was angry with such a thing, as he charged her from the left in the forehead-the princess hit the ground three times, and again became a frog ...
He looked, looked, thought-thought, came up, took the frog, put it in his pocket:
- A convenient all the same shtukentsiya!