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My Blog: Jokes Jokes Jokes Stories

Two students meet:
? Where are you from?
? I was in the library, I took a book.
? And what kind of book?
? AS Pushkin. About the pilots, probably.
? And who wrote?
? Yes, some kind of Uchpedgiz ...
Lady at the pet store:
? You sold me a parrot yesterday, but if you had heard what he was saying!
Just sutured wilted!
? Yes, the bird is not very well-mannered, but she does not drink or smoke!
There is an operation. The tragic voice of the patient is heard:
? The doctor, I do not seem to fall asleep.
? Yes, that cannot be! The doctor enthusiastically continues to operate.
? Doctor, honestly, I'm not sleeping.
? Yes, stop it! The doctor makes an incision.
? Ahhhh! Painfully!
? Look, you really haven’t fallen asleep.
? I told you so.
? Well, keep quiet in a rag ... with chloroform. By the way, give him another.
? Kaif! .. Doctor, but is it still possible ?.
? Can.
? Kaif! .. And also?
? Can. Give him a mallet on the forehead ... Boom !!!
? Wild buzz! .. And with a mallet you can?
? Enough with you, or you will quickly get used to it.
? Doctor, how is it? This is dangerous?
? Sick, you bother me.
? I can leave.
? No, stay. There is nothing dangerous. The bullet passed right through without touching the vital centers. By the way, what kind of nerd shot you?
? Why nerd?
? So is it so shoot! You need to take a little higher, and to the left, to the left ...? It's very simple, doctor. I lie late at night with a woman in bed, I touch no one but a woman, and suddenly, BOOM! Bang! husband came.
? BUT! So the husband shot?
? What is there! Listen on. So, I'm flying from the balcony, I’m not touching anyone, and suddenly, BOOM! Bang! I fall on the favorite dog of the local policeman.
? Yeah, that means the district officer shot.
? He, of course, shot, but never got to get. So, I’m running naked to myself on the street, running, not bothering anyone. And suddenly, BOOM! Bang! I hear someone is catching up from behind. It turned out to be a sex killer maniac.
? Did he shoot?
? No, this one just choked me gently. Well, nearby rockers on motorcycles had fun riding. This maniac and I ran away from them three blocks.
? So did they shoot?
? Yes you! These are children, naughty people. True, the poor maniac was still crushed to death.
? Well, when will they finally shoot you?
? And you listen. So, I run, out of sin, into a commercial store, try to pull on the first pants that I get and suddenly, BOOM! Bang! a watchman pops up ...? Shot?
? No, I was shooting back. Because right there, racketeers burst into the store behind me.
? Racketers, then, fired?
? Why would they shoot, they put us on our stomach and acted with a soldering iron. Well, the watchman before his death managed to admit that I had nothing to do with it. They let me go. He went out, and a beautiful girl from an intourist hotel goes straight to the meeting. And I, as luck would have it, did not have time to get dressed. She takes out a gun and BOOM from her purse! Bang!
? Hit?
? Hit, and more than once, only her gun had a gas, nerve agent.
? So who the hell is that hole in you then?
? So, I come home in the morning to my wife, naked, with a blue face from beatings, and even under the gas. I'm not going to touch anyone, and here, BOOM! Bang! pops out father-in-law with a double-barreled shotgun.
? Got it?
? Yes…
? Finally!
? Wife wad in the ass.
? Listen, patient, if I were you, after that I would go and shoot myself.
? So what do you think, I'm lying here with you?
Mom and son ride a tram? and my son’s tightly bandaged lower part of his face .... The people turn around sympathetically, and then some kind of compassionate lady cannot stand it:
? And something that happened to you with a boy?
Mother (gloomily):? Mouth broke !!
? Ah ... and how so?
? How how?? Did your mouth break? eating nuts ...
? Nuts?
? Well yes!! Buy, grit, mom, I need a coconut ...
Once I came to a very famous store selling cosmetics. I decided to buy myself another batch of cosmetics, I go up to the window, where all this is wonderfully laid out and arranged, I must say the prices for this product are very decent. A lady was stamping around in the same place, and somehow she awkwardly twirled and twirled a lip gloss sample and dropped it onto a tiled floor. Clearly, the bubble fell and this substance cannot be called otherwise; it splattered the floor. The lady quickly got off the scene. Immediately a consultant girl came up with a rag and cleaning fluid and with the words: “Well, garbage, wipe the figs!”, She began to wipe the stain. I was almost horrified! After all, it really has not been wiped off, and we are smearing it on our face !!! That day I didn’t buy anything, which greatly surprised my faithful. After all, with such speed I have never completed shopping yet.
My boss is an electronics engineer. By education and by vocation, a fan of which no light has ever been seen. And just a genius. Well, like all geniuses are not without distraction, to say the least. First Person Story:
? For a week I was tormented by some kind of solution there (I don’t rummage about it, therefore without details) the task is incredibly complicated. I don’t sleep at night, don’t eat, I think about it all the time. And now the solution is close, the gap is visible, very soon ... And I catch myself thinking that I'm sitting and shit! Where's the shit? I DO NOT REMEMBER!!! In horror, I look around in anticipation of an incredible strength of embarrassment. And uhhh, what a relief? at home, in the toilet, as expected.
This story happened in our beloved public bath, famous for all of St. Petersburg with its steam room. Different people drop in there: both homeless people, and bandits, and students, and commerce, in general, who is not there. Behind the wardrobe counter there is a bath attendant, and behind him on the billboard is the inscription: “The cost of the bath is 100 rubles for two hours + one hour for free.” I was already paying (there is payment after washing) and was waiting for the change. Four foreigners come in here and in broken Russian one asks the attendant (and I must tell you that not the old attendants have been working with clients recently, but their young shift: two young, non-talkative guys)? “How much is the bath?” The guy is completely impassive:? “One Hundred.” The alien to his own something quite babbled and continues to ask:? “One hundred rubles per hour?” "No ? the guy says - for three. " And the bathhouse closes in an hour. The foreigner again threw a couple of words: they downloaded their heads with satisfaction and he again went to the guy - “How much does it cost an hour?” The unperturbed reply - “One hundred rubles” The foreigner became serious, as if multiplying by two numbers, he again asked - “Three hours a hundred rubles and one hour one hundred rubles? ”“ Yes ”? was the answer, without any smile. The foreigner spoke for a long time with his own people and said, “How much does it cost half an hour?” The answer is clear, “One hundred.” After that, all eight foreign eyes looked at the young bath attendant without blinking.
? Promise that you will not leave me !!! Promise !!! Look at me and promise me !!! Do not look away !!! Look at me and promise that you will not leave me !!!
? And who are you?
? Smoking! I am smoking!
? Mom, look, the cyclist has fingerless gloves! Like our dad’s socks!
If America ever starts a war with China, then the Chinese will not resist. They will begin to surrender a million people every day ... After three or four months of such a war, America will surrender!
Cosmodrome. Preparations are underway for the first launch of a new rocket. At the control center are representatives of various organizations that participated in the creation of the rocket. One of the firms is represented by a young specialist and an experienced mentor. The countdown begins: ten, nine ... The young specialist says to the mentor:
? Why are you silent, because we have a bunch of imperfections, the rocket will not take off!
? Sit and be silent!
Seven, six ...
? It’ll explode now, I’ll let you know!
? Believe my experience, sit still.
Four, three ... Then a representative of another company jumps up and shouts:
? Stop the launch, we have deficiencies!
Then an experienced specialist tells the young:
? You see, the rocket launch was thwarted through their fault.
Angelina, I decided to tell you - I'm leaving. I do not consider it necessary to explain anything, everything is already clear from my letter to you. I fell in love with Maria from the second subgroup. Our kindergarten seemed to bloom when I saw it. You were like a shadow. Goodbye, it seems Mary Ivan is approaching, our education. If she sees that I’m not sleeping at a quiet time, then I’ll have the edge. Everything, I'm leaving you! '
Husband and wife
WOMAN'S DIARY PAGE
Saturday evening. My husband is acting weird.
We agreed to meet in GUM for a cup of coffee. I went shopping all day with my girlfriends and thought he was upset because I was a little late. He did not comment on this in any way. The conversation did not work, he was silent all the time. She offered to move to a quieter place so that she could calmly talk. He agreed, but kept silent. I asked what was bothering him, and he replied that everything was in order. She asked if it was my fault that he was silent and only growled in response. He said that everything was fine and I should not worry about anything. On the way home I said that I love him, he smiled and continued to steer. I can’t understand his behavior and don’t know why he didn’t answer my confession. The feeling that my husband was lost in some kind of fog did not leave me at home, and did not want to be found. He sat motionless and stared at the TV, and seemed very distant and down into the water. Finally, I decided to go to sleep, my husband came to the bedroom about ten minutes later and, surprisingly, answered my affection, we made love, but still he seemed strangely absent. I decided that I could not bear this anymore, and that I needed to thoroughly discuss all this, but noticed that he had already fallen asleep. Having burst into tears, I fell asleep. I do not know what to do. I am sure that he has a different one. My life is a disaster.

PAGE FROM THE HORSE'S DIARY Saturday evening. Today Lokomotiv lost, but had a good fuck.
New Year is coming! It's time to wash your socks and change the blade in a single razor.
- Mom, why is everyone calling me a bulldozer?
- Shut your mouth, blockhead, or you will scratch the furniture!
- Who is this appetino crunches? Maybe the Estrella chips?
- No - I’m crushing cockroaches ...
The owner of the new car woke up at night from frightened screaming alarms. He runs out into the street, and at the entrance two barns stand:
- What, keys brought, bro? Come on!
From Windows's FAQs:
Q .: What do the numbers 95, 98 and 2000 mean after the Windows logo?
A .: Number of bugs.
- Girl, let's play computers!
- Oh, how is it?
- Dependent somewhere, my mouse!
Two friends unsuccessfully looked for work ...
Finally, one saw an ad in the newspaper that a very aristocratic house was looking for a head waiter. He went there for an interview. The next day he tells a friend:
- At first everything was very good ... A chic house! The countess herself accepted me!
At first they just talked ... Then she says - show your hands.
He showed ... She says her hands are good, just for white gloves.
Then he says - show the calves ... I lifted my trouser legs, she looked - well, she says, it is quite suitable for the French short pantaloons ...
And then he says - now show your references ... And then, it seems, I made a mistake ...
“Would you like a vacation in England?”
- There is a desire, but I really do not like this left-hand traffic! I tried the other day on the Garden Ring - no, this is not for me!

A foreigner on Red Square asked Rabinovich what kind of a line this was near the GUM.
Rabinovich replied that it was the turn to sign up for a loan. Molotov called Rabinovich:
- Comrade Rabinovich, on behalf of the Soviet government and the Soviet people, I thank you for your action. How did you get the idea to answer so resourcefully?
- I'm a patriot!
- Tell me, what would you like? You will get everything you want!
- Give me a visa to America!
There are two on the street:
- Oh, how many years, how many winters! How good you look! How is your wife doing?
- What are you, come to your senses - I'm a widower !!!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I wanted to ask - how is your widow doing? ..
- What does PPV mean?
- At the age of 15: for now, have to manually.
At 25: midnight, noon, evening.
At 35 years old: Monday, Friday, Sunday.
At 55 years old: fifth, fifteenth, eighteenth.
At 75 years old: time for wonderful memories.

Yesterday, we are sitting in line with my beloved, and now she kisses me and gently whispers in my ear:
- Imagine that we ourselves, only together, in an empty room and no one. What would you do?
Well, I introduced. And he answered that he probably would have gotten off the floor, because it was cold and hard to lie in an absolutely empty room.
And she was offended ... why?!?
The real story happened in one of the buses of Izhevsk. On the bus there is a crowd of people and among this crowd on the seat there is a mother and a son (4-5 years old). At the same time, his son has a large head (obviously more than laid), covered with a hat. Thought: well, the boy is sick, you never know what diseases now from birth happen and everything like that.
And then the boy asks: - Mom, and I am the KING? To which his mother replies: - You are a FOOL, not a KING !!! Everyone on the bus begins to be indignant: << how can it be >>, << the child has a disease, and you ... >>, << he is not to blame, it’s the environment, and you ... >>, << for which he so, it has something to do with it >> etc. And at that moment, mother with a laugh takes off his hat from his son ...
It turned out that the child was playing at home and during the game he put a vase on his head that he couldn’t take off, but were afraid to break it, so we went to the doctor to take this vase off.
God comes to Adam and says:
“I have two news for you, one good and one bad.”
Adam looked at God and said:
“Okay, let's get the good news first.”
God explains:
“I give you two parts of the body.” The first is called the "brain." She will allow you to become more intelligent, conduct smart conversations with Eve, invent new things. The second is called the "penis."
It will allow you to multiply throughout the planet, leave behind offspring. Eve will be happy that you have this organ and you can give her children.
Adam was very happy about this. He exclaimed:
- What a great news! Thank you, God, for your gifts.
What's the bad news?
God looked sadly at Adam and said:
“The bad news is that the blood I gave you will not be enough to use both of these organs at the same time.”
“You look so terrible.”
- Is it possible to say such things to a lady!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were already at that age when it does not matter.
Myzhik calls the program and says: Soon summer, do you have a ticket to a sanatorium or, finally, to a holiday home?
They reply to them that at the sanatorium the bouts have already ended, and in the rest house with a good end there is nothing to do!
If you don’t even get SPAM, you’re a real bastard ...
If conscience does not allow you to sleep at night, try to treat her the same way during the day.
Vodka is such a thing ... it seems like you are falling asleep satisfied, but you wake up, and something is missing.
If three gloomy men go to the store early in the morning, then don’t ask them - << for what? >>.
To have pleasure and to receive pleasure is not quite the same thing.
To measure happiness in money went as much as x ... in centimeters.
The session is coming. Petroleum jelly prices are rising.
Address to the meeting of transgender people: << Dear ladies and gentlemen! >>.
You won’t surprise a Russian woman as a rider - she’s a horse and gallops ...
Genetic Examination Bureau: << PATERNITY IN DANGER! >>.
Russian dog handlers finally proudly announced that they had bred a unique new breed - the Russian Fair ...
From morning till night the dog runs through the swamps and crushes toads!
The inscription on the girl's t-shirt:
"Cupids, please - just not in the goat ...".
- Where did you get the Fingal?
- Yesterday, a friend returned from a honeymoon.
- So what?
- It was I who persuaded him to marry ...
- Something you have a mouse! ..
- What?
- Yes, I scratched the entire screen with her cursor!
- Why are shops called by women's names?
- It’s more pleasant to enter them!
A guy picks a hat for a long time in the store, on the counter are some bowlers like Chaplinsky.
Man - saleswoman:
- Che all your hats are so cocks ?!
Saleswoman hitting a pot with an edge of her palm:
- Do not like cocks - take the cunt!

Sow the rational, the good, the eternal!
We take a slightly reasonable, temporarily good, but undoubtedly eternal, put on a bunk and - sow, sow, sow!
- Damn, I can’t feed my girlfriend!
- So drink it ....
- What do the drivers of huge trailers call the children who ran out to play on the highway?
- Sticker!
Ad.
Take a black man to work. Not slavery.
- And my husband is fond of football! Every weekend goes to play with friends.
So I went yesterday ... I returned tired, upset. Lost ... Everything ... Until the last penny!
Park ... moon ...
Girl dreamily:
- Remember, in the kindergarten, there were lockers, and on each - some kind of drawing ... I had (rolls my eyes, remembering) a hover ...
Guy joyfully finding the topic:
- I remember !!! I had written "dick"!
- See that guy? He is such an asshole ...
- Is it really such an asshole ?!
- Yes!
- How asshole?
- So much so that if you open the dictionary and find the word "asshole" - then there will be his photo!
- Vasya, you know - my wife is almost blonde!
- How is it almost ?! It happens either blonde or not ...
- Yes, actually I have a brunette - but a fool!
- Hi dear! Did you buy us medicine to stop the cough?
- Fucking bald !!! I bought cyanide for you, otherwise the head hurts from your cough !!!
- Hey Ya! And what is this swollen face?
- And that we fought evil all night yesterday ...
- Have you won?
- No, left - will you? ..
“How many great nations are there in the world?”
- Russian, non-Russian and Armenians.
During the excavations of the Tau-How Indian settlement, a golden statuette of the god Quetzalmigonkugankoatlktenotchetlan, the god of diction and memory, was discovered.
- Do you have nails?
- Somewhere they were ... Somewhere they were ...
- Is it possible to quickly?
- Where to get to, to get to ...
No need to include newborn pop music!
Give them great composers, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach ...
Let them be sick of classics from childhood ...
“Vasya, why do you have all the pans without handles?”
- And I, Fed, my wife is a tennis player ...
The old man caught a goldfish. He asked instead of a hut a villa, instead of an old woman - Vasilisa the Beautiful.
It seems that nothing lives, only Vasilisa pesters stupid questions about bait ...
If your dad masturbate in a pond - you could get a thick and horny toad!
- Waiter, remove the stains of fat from the surface of my soup, they always spy on me while eating!
Three times President Lukashenko:
- I changed the Constitution a second time ... it's time to think about the Bible!
The forger husband praises his wife:
- Good girl, today you spent another 10 thousand rubles ...
Girl guy shows photos.
Guy:
“And these two are also your friends?” Terribly beautiful!
“Yes, this one is terribly beautiful, and this one is even worse!”
Here, everyone says: xenophobia, xenophobia!
And what if I have a mother-in-law - Ksenia?
- Hello! Is this a Star Factory?
- Yes!
- Do you need a device to enhance male vocal abilities?
- Need it? What do you have there?
- Little egg vise!
- Do you remember, Seryoga, how you and I got drunk and climbed into the jacuzzi together ...
- Yeah, Lech, I remember!
- Well, at least drunk - otherwise someone would have thought that you and I were blue!
- Yeah ... You just talk more quietly - otherwise people are standing on the balcony, what more good things will start throwing bottles!
- And why should they throw bottles ?!
- Oooo !!! Anything you can expect from these straight people!
There are two old friends. One of himself - fresh, well-groomed, dressed with a needle. The other is shabby, ruffled, all bruised.
They ask each other - how is life, how are you?
The first:
- Everything is complete okay! The company is thriving, we work according to the Japanese system.
Dissatisfied let off steam on a stuffed boss ...
Second:
- Yes, we also worked according to the Japanese system ... But my scarecrow was some kind of whore to the country house!
Mercedes stalled on the road. Bung. Drivers honk a Merc.
A gorgeous blonde comes out of it, approaches the first buzzing car and says to the driver: “Young man, look what I have with the car, and I’ll beeping instead for you!”
Summer heat. On the bus, opposite, is a woman with a boy of about four. On the boy’s head is a large knitted hat. The kid asks loudly:
"Mom, am I really like Ivan Tsarevich?"
To which the mother replies with an expression: "You are a fool, not Ivan Tsarevich!" In response to surprised looks, he takes off his cap from the child: “Here, the second time I’m taking him to the emergency room.” A crystal vase is tightly worn on his head.
Did you know that the cartoon "Ice Age", shown on Christmas Day on Channel 1, was nothing more than a warning to meteorologists!
One told. We sat drinking, went for the supplement and grabbed the dog at the same time for a walk. They bought themselves vodka, and indulge a dog with cool food. They came to themselves, they poured out the dog’s meat, but she doesn’t eat it, and she doesn’t want to poke her face in this or that way. In the morning, a picture, a dog at a bowl with saliva comes out, and on the face is a muzzle. Forgot to take off in the evening.
The biggest optimists in the world are Muscovites: going down the subway, they buy a ticket for two trips.
The toilet is the most common drug. Everyone is sitting on it!
When deciding to think with their head or head, men often choose the lesser of two evils.
What a miracle of nature this feminine logic is: well, what a question may arise about the whiteness of teeth when you encounter such a miracle of nature as a talking beaver!
I love animals, birds, fish ... Especially with vodka with a side dish!
If a woman is especially trying to show where her legs are coming from, then she just needs to hide where her hands are coming from.
Often women reproach men for being rare.
The husband in the house as a fire extinguisher - maybe someday it will come in handy.
Einstein's cock is the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth.
Dialogue at a party for the disabled: - I would invite that cool girl out!
- Belenkaya is also nothing!
- Yeah - and that one with the legs ...
The secretary-manager introduces the accountant to the new employee:
- And this is our Nina, an accountant with a capital "B" ...
The offended accountant did not remain in debt:
- And you, Yana, a secretary with a capital "C" and a manager with a capital "M".
In Moscow, a criminal group was identified that sold a fake dishwashing detergent Fairy, the press service of the Main Directorate for Combating Economic Crimes (GUBEP) of the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs said on Monday.

The main differences between a fake - it’s cheaper, it is better washed ...
Fungfyrin has never been able to remove the confusion, which could not because it hurts her head!
"Not a single new hole," thought old Colgate to himself, examining the visitors to the bar.
Potrakhova claimed she was sexually turned on when her husband washes, sews, and floors ...
Two friends:
- ABOUT! How I dream to lean on a firm man’s shoulder!
- Yes! Rely well on solid ...
There is a set off on the work of L. Tolstoy "Anna Karenina." The student talks about Vronsky’s life for a long time. The teacher was tired of listening.
- You have told enough about the hero of the novel ... Now tell us about the heroine!
The student is animated:
- Heroin is a powerful thing !!! Why are you asking about this?
Donetsk soldering iron factory received a large order for the manufacture of lie detectors.
- Hey, Misha, they say about you that you go to church now, is that really?
- Oh, Syoma, do not take it to the head - I just changed the provider ...
From life.
In the St. Petersburg newspaper Reklama-Chance I read an announcement: "I CHANGE a sheepskin coat for a girl of 4-5 years old ...".
Only the third time I realized what was meant ...
A tipsy, untidyly dressed man buys a small bottle of vodka and says in vexation:
- You don’t really go for a doctor’s salary ...
- You are a doctor?!! - the saleswoman was surprised.
- My wife is a doctor ...
“Scientific research has proven that laughter increases life by five minutes, and a glass of sour cream by ten.” People! Laugh over sour cream!
- The last time my wife compares me with the Russian national football team!
- What, in the light, you withstand 2 times for 45 minutes?
- No ... It’s just the last time I reached the finals in 1988 ... And then as part of the Soviet Union team.
- Diving is such a thing that prevents you from singing songs and conducting the Smack program.
- What can you say about the last concert of Kirkorov?
- Well, what can I say ... Phonograms are also getting old.
Kangaroo:
- I can’t afford to have two children!
Putin at a meeting with businessmen and investors says:
- There will be no rollback to the past!
Someone whispers in the hall:
- Hints that he will have to give kickbacks to the future ...
Zebra, driving the traffic police post behind the wheel of a car, long thought that this was shown to her by a traffic cop?
Studying world history, you begin to understand that Justice is just the name of a figurine awarded as a challenge prize to the next winner in the struggle of the same name.
"... and shove it in the ass." - This is not a curse, but an excerpt from the instructions for the use of candles ...
Today in the capital was a traditional spring subbotnik.
The head of state personally planted several publishers of newspapers and magazines.
To the elections to the Verkhovna Rada:
- ... Dear deputies, take seats according to the purchased mandates!
“Dad, how can I reasonably play chess with you if you constantly steal pieces from me ?!”
Poster at the station: "Eight trains leave our station every hour!"
Handwritten signature under the poster: "And only three returns!".
The phone rings, grabbing on the machine. A female voice in the usual tone of a supplier with a direct question right away:
- This is UralPromAutomatics, but ...?
My answer is just as quick:
- No you're wrong!
I put the tube with an exhale:
- Fool !!!
I wake up from a stream of questions to myself: why at 3 a.m. Why did they ask in Russian? Why on mobile? And in the end - why should he call California for this? !!
- Dad - is it true that the president in Ukraine is a pedophile ?!
- And what else, I wonder if there could be a president, a son?
A man bought a daughter a small and beautiful book for such a daughter - it is called SPEAKERS.
Here is a tongue twister from there: "I’m going along a pothole from a pothole, I will not leave."
I tried to read the child ...
... no longer trying ...
- I'm at the bar. Something to bring to someone?
- Bring me from there Lenya, I urgently need him.
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Your chance.
- You're lying!
- Why ?!
- Chance doesn't knock twice.
- Seryoga! Did you close the door?
- Shut it!
- On the key?
- On the key!
- Two turns?
- Two, two!
- Pizdun you, Serge! We are in a tent!
- What do we have under socialism?
- Solar heating, moonlight, correspondence meals, prison education, conditional remuneration, unconditional destruction.
- And what will happen under communism?
- Paradise attire, deathly silence, leaders' portraits, and our skeletons.
Three alcoholics argued who would drink the most from the puddle. The first one started, took a few sips and could no longer. The second lasted three minutes. The third as sucked: ten minutes, half an hour, an hour! Finally he breaks away from the puddle:
- Phew! Oh, and a long jerk caught!
In a history lesson, the teacher tells the children about the Auschwitz concentration camp.
“My grandfather died in Auschwitz,” cries little Stas, proud that he can stand out among other students.
- What did the Nazis torture him?
- No, he was drunk and fell from the watchtower.
Petka runs to Vasily Ivanovich:
- Vasily Ivanovich, tanks in the garden!
- Well, to hell with them! Yesterday I blunted a new saber about them.
Anka crawls, followed by Vasily Ivanovich, followed by Petka, into intelligence.
Vasily Ivanovich annoys Anka with questions:
- Anka, have you ever been to ballet?
- Not, but why?
- Yes, it hurts your legs are beautiful ...
- Anka, have you been doing rhythmic gymnastics?
- Not, but why?
- Yes, it hurts your slim figure ...
Tired of Petka listening to all this:
- Vasily Ivanovich, have you ever been a plowman?
- No, but what?
- Yeah, the groove is painfully deep after you ...
Vasily Ivanovich talking with Anka.
“You don’t know why Petka’s hair is so magnificent?”
- And he, Vasily Ivanovich, rubs his hair with eggs.
- Well, an acrobat.
The teacher is talking about the future.
- Here you are, Vovochka, who will you become when you grow up?
- The policeman.
- And if then there will be no police? there will be no criminals and no one to catch.
- Then the firemen.
- But the society is so self-improving that there will be no negligence, they will not allow a single fire. Why firefighters?
“Then I'll go to the officers.”
“As you grow up, the mind will triumph on our entire planet.”
People will live a peaceful, happy life. The military will be useless.
“Why are you pestering me, Marya Ivanovna?” I won’t work anyway!
After calculating the budget for next year, the wife tells her husband:
- We need to thoroughly limit our lifestyle. Therefore, you should stop drinking a glass before lunch, and I, on my part, will try to wean you from smoking.
At dinner, a desperate quarrel occurs, the plates fly, the table turns over. The neighbors tremble with fear. The spouse packs up and leaves. But after two hours, he climbs the stairs again and, pushing the door with his foot, says:
“You can be lucky.” My mother also had a great fight and went to her mother ...