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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

There are two students:
? Where are you from?
? I was in the library, I took a book.
? And what kind of book?
? "AS Pushkin". About the pilots, probably.
? And who wrote?
? Yes, Uchpedgiz some ...
Lady at the pet store:
? You sold me a parrot yesterday, but if you heard what he says!
Just stitches wilt!
? Yes, the bird is not very well brought up, but after all, it does not drink or smoke!
There is an operation. The tragic voice of the patient is heard:
? Doctor, I do not seem to fall asleep.
? Yes, that can not be! The doctor continues to operate with enthusiasm.
? Doctor, honestly, I'm not sleeping.
? Yes, throw you! The doctor makes an incision.
? Aaaa! Painfully!
? Look, you really didn't fall asleep.
? I told you so.
? Well, keep quiet in your rag ... with chloroform. By the way, give him more.
? Kayf! .. Doctor, and you can still be ?.
? Can.
? Kayf! .. And yet?
? Can. Give him a mallet on the forehead ... Boom !!!
? Wild buzz! .. And you can also use a mallet?
? Enough with you, and then quickly get used to it.
? Doctor, how is it? Is it dangerous?
? Sick, you disturb me.
? I can and leave.
? No, stay. There is nothing dangerous. The bullet went right through without touching the vital centers. By the way, what a cretin shot at you?
? Why a nerd?
? So unless so shoot! A little higher we must take, and to the left, to the left ...? It's very simple, doctor. I lie late in the evening with a woman in bed, I don’t touch anyone except for a woman, and suddenly, BOOM! Bah! husband came.
? BUT! So, my husband shot?
? What is there! Listen further. So, I'm flying from the balcony, not bothering anyone, and suddenly, BOOM! Bah! I fall on a favorite dog of the local militia officer.
? Yeah, so the precinct shot.
? He, of course, shot, but he never hit. So, I run myself naked down the street, run, do not touch anyone. And suddenly, BOOM! Bah! I hear someone behind me catching up. Turned out to be a sex killer.
? Did he shoot?
? No, this one just shook me sweetly. Well, near the rockers on motorcycles to have fun rode. We ran three blocks away from this maniac.
? So these, or something, shot?
? Yes you! These are children, mischievous. True, the poor maniac to death is still crushed.
? Well, when you finally get shot?
? And you listen. So, I run up, from sin, in a commercial store, trying to pull the first pants that came across and suddenly, BOOM! Bah! the watchman pops up ...? Shot?
? No, I shot. Because right here the racketeers broke into my shop.
? Racketeers, then shot?
? Why should they shoot, they put us on our stomach and acted with a soldering iron. Well, the guard before his death managed to admit that I had nothing to do with it. They let me go. I went out and straight to the meeting a beautiful girl from the Intourist hotel comes out. And I, unfortunately, did not have time to get dressed. She pulls a gun and a boom out of her purse! Bah!
? Got it?
? It hit, and more than once, only she had a gas gun, nerve agent.
? So who the hell is in you then made a hole?
? So, I come home in the morning to my wife, naked, with blue mug from beatings, and even under gas. I'm not going to touch anyone, and here, BOOM! Bah! the father in law jumps out with a double-barreled gun.
? Got it?
? Yes…
? Finally!
? Wife wad in the ass.
? Listen, sick, in your place I would go after that and shoot myself.
? So what do you think, I'm lying here with you?
Going to the tram mom and son? and in the little boy the lower part of the face is tightly bandaged ... The people turn around sympathetically, and here some kind-hearted lady does not stand up:
? What did you have with the boy?
Mommy (frowning):? Mouth torn !!
? Ah ... and how is that?
? How how?? Mouth torn? nuts ate
? The nuts?
? Well yes!! Buy, grit, mom, me a coconut ...
I once came to a very famous cosmetics store. I decided to buy myself another batch of cosmetics, go to the shop window, where everything is wonderfully laid out and arranged, I must say the prices for this product are very decent. In the same place the lady is being trampled on, and somehow here she clumsily twirled and twirled a sample of lip gloss and dropped this case on the tiled floor. It's clear that the vial has fallen and this substance cannot be named in another way, it has splashed the floor. The lady quickly recoiled from the scene. Immediately, a consulting girl came up with a rag and cleaning fluid, and with the words: “Well, garbage, fig ototresh!”, Began to rub off the stain. I was almost horrified! After all, it really has not been wiped off, and we are putting it on our face !!! That day I didn’t buy anything, which surprised me a lot. After all, with such speed, I have never completed shopping.
My boss, an electronics engineer. By education and by vocation, a fan of what the light did not see. And just a genius. Well, like all geniuses, not without absentmindedness, to say the least. Story from the first person:
? A week was tormented by the decision of some kind there (I don’t rummage in it, so without details) of the task is incredibly complex. I don't sleep at night, I don't eat, I think about it all the time. And now the decision is close, the lumen is visible, very soon ... And I catch myself thinking that I am sitting and shit! Where's the shit? I DO NOT REMEMBER!!! In horror, looking around in anticipation of the incredible strength of embarrassment. And Whew, what a relief? at home, in the toilet, as it should be.
This story took place in our beloved common bath, famous for the whole of Peter with its steam room. There are different people dropping in there: the homeless, the gangsters, the students, and the commerce, in general, who are not. A bathhouse attendant stands behind a wardrobe stand, and behind it is an inscription on the shield: “The cost of a bath is 100 rubles for two hours + one hour for free.” I already paid (there is payment after washing) and waited for change. There are four foreigners here, and in broken Russian, one asks the bath attendant (and you need to tell you that not the old bath attendants have been working with clients recently, but their young shift: two young taciturn guys)? “How much does a bath cost?” The guy is completely impassive:? "Hundred." The foreigner to his own something quite babbled and continues to ask:? "One hundred rubles per hour?"? "Not ? the guy says - for three. " And the bath closes in an hour. The foreigner again threw a few words to his: they shook their heads with satisfaction and he again to the guy - “How much is an hour?” Deadpan in response - “One hundred rubles” The foreigner became serious, as if multiplying two numbers, again asks - “Three hours one hundred rubles and one hour one hundred rubles? ”“ Yes ”? was the answer, without any smile. The foreigner spoke with his own people for a long time and gave out - “How much does it cost half an hour?” The answer is clear - “One Hundred”. All eight foreign eyes after that, without blinking, looked at the young bath attendant.
? Promise that you will not leave me !!! Promise !!! Look at me and promise !!! Do not look away !!! Look at me and promise that you will not leave me !!!
? And you hoooooooo?
? Smoking! I'm smoking!
? Mom, look, the cyclist has fingerless gloves! Like our dad's socks!
If America ever starts a war with China, the Chinese will not resist. They will start to surrender to captivity every day for a million people ... After three or four months of such a war, America will surrender!
Spaceport. Preparations are underway for the first launch of a new rocket. Representatives of various organizations involved in the creation of the rocket sit in the control center. One of the firms is a young specialist and an experienced tutor. The countdown begins: ten, nine ... The young specialist tells the mentor:
? Why are you silent, because we have a lot of deficiencies, the rocket will not take off!
? Sit and be silent!
Seven, six ...
? Now blow up, I'll let you know!
? Believe my experience, sit down and be quiet.
Four, three ... Then the representative of another company jumps up and shouts:
? Stop the launch, we have shortcomings!
Then an experienced specialist tells the young:
? You see, because of their fault, the launch of the rocket was disrupted.
Angelina, I decided to tell you - I'm leaving. I do not consider it necessary to explain anything, everything is clear from my letter to you. I fell in love with Mary from the second subgroup. Our kindergarten seemed to bloom when I saw it. You were like a shadow. Farewell, it seems, Ivan Ivan is approaching, our upbringing. If she sees that I am not sleeping at a quiet hour - I have an edge. Everything, I'm leaving you! ”
Husband and wife
WOMEN'S DIARY PAGE
Saturday evening. My husband is behaving strangely.
We agreed to meet in GUM for a cup of coffee. I spent the whole day shopping with my girlfriends, I thought he was distressed because I was a little late. He did not comment on this. The conversation did not work, he was silent all the time. She offered to move to a quieter place so that you can calmly talk. He agreed, but remained silent. I asked what was bothering him, and he replied that everything was fine. She asked if it was my fault that he was silent and only grumbled back. He said that everything is fine and I should not worry about anything. On the way home I said that I loved him, he smiled and continued to steer. I can not understand his behavior and do not know why he did not respond to my confession. At home, the feeling that my husband had lost his way in some kind of fog did not leave me, and did not want to be found. He sat motionless and stared at the TV, and seemed very distant and pubescent in the water. Finally, I decided to go to bed, my husband came to the bedroom in about ten minutes and, surprisingly, answered my caresses, we made love, but still he seemed strangely absent. I decided that I could not bear this anymore, and that I needed to discuss all this thoroughly, but noticed that he had already fallen asleep. Crying, I fell asleep. I do not know what to do. I am sure that he is different. My life is a disaster.

PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A HUSBAND Saturday, evening. Today Lokomotiv lost, but have a good fuck.
Soon New Year! It's time to wash socks and change the blade in a single razor.
- Mom, why is everybody bulldozing me?
- Shut your mouth, idiot, and then you will scratch the furniture!
- Who is this appetino crunches? Maybe chips "estrell"?
- No - I press cockroaches ...
The owner of the new car woke up at night from the frightened screams of the alarm. She runs out into the street, and at the entrance two ambals stand:
- What, keys brought, bro? Come on!
From Windows's FAQs:
Q .: What do the numbers 95, 98 and 2000 mean after the Windows logo?
A .: Number of bugs.
- Girl, let's play computers!
- Oh, and how is it?
- Hang somewhere, my mouse!
Two friends unsuccessfully looking for work ...
Finally, one saw in the newspaper an announcement that a certain very aristocratic house was looking for the head waiter. He went there for an interview. The next day, tells a friend:
- At first everything was very good ... Posh house! The Countess herself took me!
At first they just talked ... Then she says - show your hands.
Showed ... She says - good hands, just for white gloves.
Then he says - show the calf ... I pulled my trouser legs up, she looked - well, he says, it is quite suitable for French short trousers ...
And then he says - now show your references ... And here, it seems, I made a mistake ...
- Would you like to spend your vacation in England?
- There is a desire, but I really do not like this left-hand traffic! I tried it on the Garden Ring the other day - no, it's not for me!

A foreigner on Red Square asked Rabinovich what the queue was near GUM.
Rabinovich replied that it was the turn to subscribe to the loan. Molotov called Rabinovich:
- Comrade Rabinovich, on behalf of the Soviet government and the Soviet people, I thank you for your deed. How did you get the idea to respond so resourcefully?
- I'm a patriot!
- Tell me, what would you like? You will get everything you want!
- Give me a visa to America!
There are two on the street:
- Oh, how many years, how many winters! How do you look good! And how is your wife?
- That you come to your senses - I'm a widower !!!
- Oh, sorry, I wanted to ask - how is your widow? ..
- What does PPV mean?
- In 15 years: until you have to manually.
At 25 years old: midnight, noon, evening.
At 35 years old: Monday, Friday, Sunday.
At 55 years old: fifth, fifteenth, eighteenth.
At 75 years old: it's time for great memories.

Yesterday we sit in line with my beloved and now she kisses me and whispers gently in her ear:
- Imagine that we ourselves, only together, in an empty room and no one, no one. What would you do?
Well, I introduced. And he replied that he would probably get up from the floor, because it was cold and firm to lie in the _absolutely_ empty room.
And she was offended ... why?!?
The real story happened in one of the buses in Izhevsk. In the bus crowd of people and among this crowd on the seat there is a mother and son (4-5 years). In this case, the son has a big head (obviously more than the position), covered with a hat. Thought: well, the boy is sick, you never know what diseases from birth are there now and everything like that.
And then the boy asks: - Mom, and I am the king? To which his mommy replies: - FOOL, you, not the KING !!! Everyone on the bus starts to resent: “how can you do it”, << a child has a disease, and you ... >>, << he is not guilty, this is ecology, and you ... >>, << what is his so, he has something to do with it >>, etc. And at that moment, with laughter, the mother takes off her cap from her son ...
It turned out that the child was playing at home and during the game he put a vase on his head, which he could not remove, but they were afraid to break it, so they went to the doctor to take off the vase.
God comes to Adam and says:
- I have two news for you, one is good and the other is bad.
Adam looked at God and said:
“Okay, let's get the good news first.”
God explains:
- I give you two parts of the body. The first is called the brain. She will allow you to become more intelligent, carry on smart conversations with Eve, invent new things. The second is called "penis."
It will allow you to multiply all over the planet, leave behind offspring. Eva will be happy that you have this body and you can give her children.
Adam was very happy about this. He exclaimed:
- What a great news! Thank you, God, for your gifts.
And what's the bad news?
God looked sadly at Adam and said:
“The bad news is that the blood I gave you will not be enough to use both these organs simultaneously.
“You look so awful.”
“How can such things be said to a lady!”
“Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were already at that age when it doesn’t matter.”
The man calls the committee and says: soon summer, do you have a meal in a sanatorium or, on the dry end, in a holiday home?
His response is that in the sanatorium the wakes are already over, and there is nothing to do in the rest home with a dry end!
If you do not even come to SPAM - you are a real bastard ...
If your conscience keeps you awake at night, try doing the same thing with her during the day.
Vodka is such a thing ... you seem to fall asleep satisfied, and you wake up, and something is missing.
If three unhappy peasants go to the store early in the morning, then do not ask them - “for what?”.
Having fun and getting pleasure is not exactly the same thing.
To measure happiness in money is as bad as x ... in centimeters.
Session is coming. Vaseline prices are rising.
Appeal to the collection of transsexuals: << Dear ladies and gentlemen!
Pose << rider >> Russian woman is not surprising - she is a horse and at a gallop ...
The Bureau of Gene Examinations: << RESIDENCE is in danger! >>.
Russian dog handlers finally proudly stated that they bred a unique new breed - the Russian Fair ...
From morning till evening the dog runs through the swamps and crushes the toads!
The inscription on the girl's T-shirt:
"Amurchiki, please - just not a goat ...".
- Where did you get fingal?
- Yesterday a friend returned from honeymoon.
- So what?
- I persuaded him to marry ...
- Something you have a mouse! ..
- What?
- Yes, I scratched the entire screen with an eyny cursor!
- Why are shops called female names?
- It is more pleasant to enter them!
A man chooses a hat in a store for a long time, on the counter are some kettles of the Chaplinsky type.
The saleswoman man:
- Che do you all hats are so fucking ?!
Saleswoman hitting the pot at the edge of the palm:
- Do not like fucking - take a pizdatuyu!

Sow sensible, kind, eternal!
We take a slightly rational, temporarily kind, but undoubtedly eternal, put on a cot and - sow, sow, sow!
- Damn, I can not feed my girlfriend!
- So drink it ....
- How do the drivers of huge trailers call children who run out to play on the highway?
- Sticker!
Announcement.
Take a job Negro. Not slavery.
- And my husband enjoys football! Every weekend goes to play with friends.
So yesterday I went ... Returned tired, upset. Lost ... Everything ... Until the last penny!
Park ... Moon ...
Girl, dreamily:
- Remember, in kindergarten, there were lockers, and on each - some kind of drawing ... I had (rolls my eyes, remembering) a yule ...
Guy, happily, finding a topic:
- I remember !!! I had written "dick"!
- See that guy? He is such an asshole ...
- Straight really such an asshole?
- Yes!
- How much asshole?
- So much so that if you open the dictionary and find the word "asshole" - then there will be his photo!
- Vasya, from you know - my wife is almost blond!
- How is it almost ?! It happens or blonde, or not ...
- Yes, actually she is my brunette - but a fool!
- Hi dear! Did you buy us medicine to stop the cough?
- Fuck bald !!! Cyanide I bought you, and then the head hurts from your cough !!!
- Hey Ya! And what is this face swollen?
“And we fought evil all night yesterday ...”
- Won?
- No, left - will you? ..
- How many great nations are in the world?
- Russians, non-Russians and Armenians.
During the excavation of the Tau-how Indian settlement, a golden statuette of the god Quetzalmigonkugankoatltenotchetlan, the god of diction and memory, was discovered.
- Do you have nails?
- Somewhere were ... Somewhere were ...
- Is it possible to hurry?
- Where there were before there were ...
Do not include newborn children pops!
Put them great composers, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach ...
Let them from childhood sick of the classics ...
- Vasya, why do you have all pans without handles?
- And I, Fedya, have a wife - tennis player ...
Caught an old man a goldfish. Instead of a cottage, I asked a villa instead of an old woman - Vasilisa the Beautiful.
It seems that nothing lives, only Vasilisa is bothering with foolish questions about the bait ...
If your dad jerked off to some pond - a fat and horned toad could turn out!
- Waiter, remove the stains of fat from the surface of my soup, they always spy on me while eating!
Three times President Lukashenko:
- I changed the constitution the second time ... it's time to think about the Bible!
The counterfeiter husband praises his wife:
- Good girl, today you spent another 10 thousand rubles ...
Girl guy shows photos.
Guy:
“Are these two your friends too?” Terribly beautiful!
- Yes, this one is terribly beautiful, and this one is even more awful!
Here, everyone says: xenophobia, xenophobia!
And what if my mother-in-law is Ksenia?
- Hello! Is it the "Star Factory"?
- Yes!
- Do you need a device for enhancing male vocal abilities?
- Need? And what about you?
- Little egg vise!
- Do you remember, Seryoga, how we got drunk and together we climbed into the jacuzzi ...
- Yeah, Lyokha, remember!
- Well, at least for drunk - and then someone else would think that we are blue!
- Yeah ... You just talk it down - and then there are people on the balcony are standing, something else good bottles will start to throw!
- And why should they throw bottles with something ?!
- Yyy !!! Anything can be expected from these straights!
There are two old friends. One of them is fresh, well-groomed, needle-clad. The other one is shabby, worn, bruised all over.
Ask each other - how are you, how are you?
The first:
- Everything is okay! The company is thriving, working on the Japanese system.
Dissatisfied let off steam on the stuffed head ...
Second:
- Yes, we also worked on the Japanese system ... But my dummy fucked off at the dacha!
Mercedes stalled on the road. Bung. Drivers honking Merc.
A gorgeous blonde comes out of it, walks up to the first buzzing car and says to the driver: - Young man, look what I have with the car, and I’ll beat you instead of you!
Summer heat. On the bus opposite is a woman with a boy of four. On the boy's head a large knitted hat. The baby asks loudly:
"Mom, am I really like Ivan Tsarevich?"
To which the mother replies with an expression: "You are a fool, not Ivan Tsarevich!" In response to the surprised looks, she takes off her hat: “Here, for the second time, I’m taking it to the emergency room.” A crystal vase is put on his head.
Did you know that the Ice Age cartoon, shown at Christmas on Channel 1, was nothing more than a warning from meteorologists!
One told. We sat drunk, went for the supplement and grabbed the dog at the same time to walk. We bought vodka for ourselves, and indulge a steep dog food. They came to themselves, they poured out the dog’s meat, but it doesn’t eat everything, and doesn’t want to poke its face like that. In the morning, the picture, the dog at the bowl, saliva emanates, and the muzzle is on the muzzle. Forgot to take off in the evening.
The biggest optimists in the world are Muscovites: going down in the subway, they buy a ticket for two trips.
The toilet is the most common drug. Everyone is sitting on it!
Solving the head or head to think, men often choose the lesser of two evils.
What a miracle of nature this female logic: well, what a question may arise about the whiteness of your teeth when you meet such a miracle of nature as a talking beaver!
I love animals, birds, fish ... Especially for vodka with a side dish!
If a woman is especially trying to show where her legs grow from, then she simply needs to hide where her arms grow from.
Often women blame men for being rare.
Husband in the house as a fire extinguisher - maybe someday it will come in handy.
Einstein's dick is the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman’s mouth.
Dialogue at a party for the disabled: - I would invite that cool girl over there!
- White too nothing!
- Aha - and that one with legs ...
The secretary-manager introduces the accountant to the new employee:
- And this is our Nina, an accountant with a capital "B" ...
Offended accountant is not left in debt:
- And you, Yana, secretary with a capital "C" and a manager with a capital "M".
In Moscow, a criminal group was identified that sold fake dishwasher “Fairy”, the press service of the Main Directorate for Combating Economic Crimes (GUBEP) of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia said on Monday.

The main differences between fakes are cheaper, wash better ...
Never before has Funfarin managed to remove the confused which she could not because she has a headache!
"Not a single new hole," old Colgate thought to himself, considering the visitors to the bar.
Potrakhova claimed that she was sexually turned on when her husband washes, sews, washes floors ...
Two friends:
- ABOUT! How I dream to lean on a solid male shoulder!
- Yes! Well rely on solid ...
There is a credit for the work of L. Tolstoy "Anna Karenina". The student long and tediously talks about the life of Vronsky. The teacher is tired of listening.
- You have told enough about the hero of the novel ... Now tell about the heroine!
The student is animated:
- Heroin is a strong thing !!! And why are you asking about this?
Donetsk Soldering Plant has received a large order for the manufacture of lie detectors.
- Hey, Misha, they say about you that you are now going to church, is that true?
- Oh, Syoma, do not take it to the head - I just changed the provider ...
From life.
In the St. Petersburg newspaper "Advertising-Chance" I read the ad: "I CHANE a sheepskin coat for a girl 4-5 years old ...".
Only from the third time did I understand what was meant ...
A drunk, untidy-dressed man buys a small bottle of vodka and says with annoyance:
- The salary of a doctor is not very clever ...
- You are a doctor?!! - the saleswoman was surprised.
- My wife is a doctor ...
- Scientific studies have shown that laughter increases life by five minutes, and a glass of sour cream by ten. People! Laugh at sour cream!
- Recently, my wife compares me with the Russian national football team!
- What, in easy you maintain 2 times for 45 minutes?
- Yes, no ... Just the last time I reached the final in the 1988th ... And then as part of the national team of the Soviet Union.
- Diving - this is such a thing that prevents to sing songs and conduct the program "Relish".
- What do you think about the last concert of Kirkorov?
- Well, what can I say ... Phonograms are also aging.
Kangaroo:
- Having two children is too expensive for me!
Putin at a meeting with businessmen and investors says:
- Rollback to the past will not be!
In the hall, someone whispers:
- It hints that it is necessary to give kickbacks to the future ...
Zebra, driving through a traffic police post at the wheel of a car, thought for a long time that a traffic cop showed her that?
Studying world history, you begin to understand that Justice is just the name of a statuette, presented as a challenge prize to the next winner in the eponymous fight.
"... and shove her in the ass." - this is not a curse, but an excerpt from the instructions for use of candles ...
Today in the capital was a traditional spring work day.
The head of state personally planted several newspaper and magazine publishers.
For the elections to Verkhovna Rada:
- ... Dear deputies, take seats according to the mandates purchased!
- Dad, how can I reasonably play chess with you if you constantly steal figures from me ?!
A poster at the station: "Every hour, eight trains leave our station!".
From handwritten signature on the poster: "And only three are back!".
The phone rings, I grab on the machine. Female voice in the usual tone of a supplier with a direct question immediately:
- This is UralPromAvtomatika, eh ...?
My answer is the same soon:
- No you're wrong!
I put the tube out with exhalation:
- Fool !!!
I wake up from the flow of questions to myself: why at 3 am? Why did they ask in Russian? Why on mobile? And in the end - why does he need to call California for this? !!
- Dad - is it true that in Ukraine the president is a pedophile ?!
- And what else, I wonder, can there be a president, son?
I bought a little man a little book and a beautiful book for her daughter - HANGING is called.
Here's a tongue-twister from there: "I'm driving over a pothole from a pothole, I won't leave."
I tried to read the child ...
... don't try anymore ...
- I'm at the bar. Anyone to bring something?
- Bring me Lenya from there, I urgently need him.
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Your chance.
- You're lying!
- Why ?!
- Chance does not knock twice.
- Seryoga! Did you close the door?
- Closed!
- On the key?
- On the key!
- Two turns?
- For two, for two!
- Fuck you, Seryoga! We are in a tent!
- What do we have under socialism?
- Solar heating, lunar illumination, extramural meals, prison education, conditional reward, unconditional destruction.
- And what will happen under communism?
- Paradise dress, deathly silence, the leaders of the portraits, but our skeletons.
Three alcoholics argued who would drink more from the puddle. The first one started, took a few sips and could no longer. The second lasted three minutes. The third one stuck: ten minutes, half an hour, an hour! Finally he breaks away from the puddle:
- Phew! Oh, and the long jerk got caught!
In a history lesson, the teacher tells the children about the Auschwitz concentration camp.
“My grandfather died in Auschwitz,” cries little Stas, proud of being able to stand out among other students.
- What did the Nazis torture him?
- No, I was drunk and fell from the watchtower.
Petka runs in to Vasily Ivanovich:
- Vasily Ivanovich, tanks in the garden!
- Oh, let them go to hell! Yesterday I blunted a new piece about them.
Anka is crawling, behind her Vasily Ivanovich, after Petka, into reconnaissance.
Vasily Ivanovich gets Anka questions:
- Anka, were you not in ballet?
- Not, why?
- Yes, I hurt your beautiful legs ...
- Anka, you didn’t do any rhythmic gymnastics?
- Not, why?
- Yeah, you really have a slim figure ...
Tired of Petka listening to all this:
- Vasily Ivanovich, have you ever been a plowman?
- No, why?
- Yeah, it hurts a deep furrow after you ...
Vasily Ivanovich talks with Anka.
- You do not know why Petka hair is so lush?
- And he, Vasily Ivanovich, rubs his hair with eggs.
- Well, an acrobat.
The teacher is talking about the future.
- Here you are, Little Johnny, who will you be when you grow up?
- The policeman.
- And if then the police will not? There will be no criminals and no one to catch.
- Then firemen.
- But the society is so self-improving that there will be no negligence, they will not allow a single fire. Why firefighters?
- Then I will go to the officers.
“As you grow up, reason will triumph throughout our entire planet.”
People will live a peaceful, happy life. The military will come to nothing.
“Why did you bother me, Maria Ivanovna?” Anyway, I will not work!
Having calculated the budget for the next year, the wife says to her husband:
- We need to thoroughly limit your lifestyle. Therefore, you must stop drinking a glass before lunch, and I, from my side, will try to wean you from smoking.
At dinner, there is a desperate scramble, the hoops are flying, the table is being turned. Neighbors are trembling from fear. The wife collects the bags and leaves. But after two hours, he climbs the stairs again and, having pushed the door with his foot, pronounces:
- You can assume that you are lucky. My mother, too, was scared and went away to her mother ...