My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The teacher tells the student:
"Tomorrow, let your grandfather come to school!"
"You mean father?"
"No, Grandfather. I want to show him how gross mistakes his son makes in your homework.

The head of the clinic asks the beginning doctor:
- Your first patient, colleague, recovered, why are you so depressed?
"You see, Professor, I can not understand why he recovered anyway."

The lover flies from the 12th floor and in despair thinks: -What kind of fool am I at home-a beautiful wife, excellent children, a dacha, a car ... It falls on a tree, then into bushes and a snowdrift.
- It comes to my head, this is a fucking thing!

If a lot of urgent cases have accumulated, then it is first necessary to decide which of them should be postponed in the first place.
I do not know how you can stretch the pleasure for several hours - but I know for sure how you can be a few centimeters!
All beautiful women are similar to each other. Every ugly is terrible in its own way.
Linux Is Likе A Wigwаm - Nо Windоws, Nо Gates аnd Аn Arashe Insidе ...
Knowledge of the law does not relieve temptation.
In all the troubles of modern Russia, local fools are guilty, local roads are the same and the Red Sea once parted.
Something does not pin me young girls, some of them are shallow ...
Mosquitoes rose noticeably after they thought of donating drunk blood for money ...
And advertising has its good sides! Now everyone knows where women hide their wings.
A real hunter will determine the age of the bear by the number of paws on the paws.
If you are always drawn to positive people, then you are negative!
Necropedozooil - it's just a fan of fried chicken!
If there is nothing to eat for breakfast, then you can go to dinner for a dinner - he will share, and for dinner it is better to go to the enemy - he will give everything.

- I bought a Scottish shepherd, and she scares the neighbors so much ...
"What, is it barking loudly?"
- She does not bark at all! But this plaid skirt and bagpipes ...
The CEC of Ukraine announced that in the match Milan-Shakhtar was defeated by Shakhtar with a score of 12: 4.
On the field there were up to 30 players and 5 absentee balls.
Coach of the Russian national team congratulated Shakhtar with a convincing victory in the Champions League.
Fans of Shakhtar go to defend the victory of their champion.

USA, Boston, the house of John Carrey. Everything, as usual: wife, children, a dog ...
In the armchair, Carrie is sitting, watching the CNN channel, the second week showing a report from Maidan Nezalezhnosti ...
Turns to his wife and says:
- Honey, can it be enough already?
- No, really! Look, loser, look!

Hello Dedushka Moroz!
Do not let me be teased.
/ Petya Kakashkin, 7 years old /

- What are you complaining about!
- Yes, they beat me all!
- And who are you?
- Anxiety!

The owner of the hotel in Tbilisi wants to impress the new guest:
"Dumas and Pushkin slept in your bed!"
The guest condespondingly answers:
- If you change immediately underwear - I'll close my eyes to this disgrace ...

- Problems with potency?
- None! No other ...

- Dad, where do the children come from?
- And why, son, you are not interested, where do adults come from? Or are we on the drum?

Call from the duty fire brigade:
"Come quickly, fire!"
- Clear! Do not extinguish, we are already leaving!

- And my son was born!
- Yah!!! Who is it like?
"I'm drunk on me!"
- ???
- Well, he also shouts at all and looks for boobs all the time ...

Yesterday again I played with the computer in preference. Great play, you bastard! Already on the third upgrade itself earns!

In Tatarstan, a boat with 5 fishermen turned over.
One is dead, the other is looking for, the other three are wanted.

Comes somehow the client in an advertising agency. He sees the picture: everyone is running around, all sorts of notes are worn, they are writing something, reading something, someone is talking loudly on the phone, in a word, everything is on the table, everyone is busy ...
And in a separate room - a fog cigarette, a peasant some unshaven beer whips, feet on the table, playing "tetris" on the computer, around porn magazines!
The client asks the first employee:
- No, well, I understand everything, all work, everyone is busy - but this one, special ?!
- You see, a couple of years ago this man came up with an idea that brought our agency $ 13 million net profit!
- So what?!
"Well, well, as I recall, the idea came to him when he was in that condition ..."

A well-known Homosechin breeder from the city of Rostov-on-the-Dom grew a unique view of the Ivan-da-marya plant with two blue pistils in his inflorescence on his plot. He gave the flower he derived the name Vanya-da-Vanya.

- Girls - but what to do, so that the meeting is not the last?
- The child.

- This is what you have ?!
"Rabbit is a pervert!"
- Oh, just do not! Pervert! The usual rabbit ...
- Let go ?!

- Doctor! Help me, I hear a lot of unrealistic voices!
"Do not worry, we will definitely take away your hallucinations."
- No, doctor, you do not understand, I want the voices to become real!
"Then it's not for me." Apply to the CEC!

In order to have a woman boss, there is only one advantage: in the toilet she will not find you!

"Chief, what are your complaints against your secretary?" After all, she guesses all your desires.
- Yes, but she does not fulfill them!

A man almost every day saws his wife. Well, no rest!
A man went to the sorceress. Have agreed. The witch gave him a bottle of medicine and said:
"His wife will drink it, that's all!" Disappear!
The next day the peasant resorts to a witch. Shouts:
- What have you done, old ?!
- How - what? ... The wife disappeared?
- Disappeared.
- Then everything is correct ...
"What do you mean, right?" But the sound is left!

At the next demand of Japan to give her the Kuril Islands occurred och alternate earthquake.

- Vasya, do you love me?
- No.
- And you want?
- Yes.
- And I on the contrary!

Stuntman - movie actor:
- Hi, I'm your new backup. I will replace you in episodes related to the risk to life ...
- OK. First, go to my house and tell my wife where I was last night.

- Maybe I'll give you a deodorant?
- What for?!
"So that your spirit is not here, fuck!"

From life.
A young woman came to an abortion, undressed and settled in a chair. The doctor, frowning thoughtfully, looked at the vagina and, pointing with his finger, asked a sacramental question:
- What's this?!
Madame looked thoughtfully and said in a calm even tone:
- How's that - cunt ...
- No, I do not mean this, - and the doctor pointed to the natural vegetation in the pubic area - why not shaved ?!
"Ah, my husband does not allow me ..."
"And where is your husband?"
- Waiting for the door ...
"A minute," said the doctor, and left the office. He returned to his office with a middle-aged man, led him to a chair and, pointing with his finger, asked:
- What's this?! - How's that - cunt ...
- No, I mean, why do not you shave her ?!
- I forbid it ?! Yes, I do not care!
"And this is not my husband," the patient said.

Vovochka rushes after the lesson along the corridor and almost knocked the headmaster from the feet.
He angrily grabs him by the shoulder and says:
"Now come back and walk calmly!" And say hello to me as your father greet friends!
Vovochka walks away a few steps, waddling - hands in pockets - approaches the director, slaps him on the back so that he hardly gets his glasses off, and yells all the way:
- Well, great, old x #%! A hundred years you have not seen, e $ #% t your bald skull !!
Not yet dead, n # $% and walrus!
Two friends met.
- Was there an interesting concert yesterday?
"Oh, very much!" They performed Handel's oratorio!
- And what exactly is an oratorio?
"Wait, now I'll explain." Here, for example, if I said
To you: "Janush, give me a gypsy!" - this is not an oratorio yet. But if I tell you: "Janusz, Janusz, oh give me a little gypsy, oh give me, oh give me a cigarette, a little girl, a little gypsy, give me a gypsy, give me, give me, give me a cigar - a rank-chinnnuu!" - this is the oratorio!

A conversation of two new Russian: -I will go to study in the Conservatory on a pianist! -What for! 8-O-Well! Great theater! Great Hall! A lot of people! Everyone looks at me! And I'm sitting on the stage and the fingers of the wildebeest!
General in pazvalochky goes along the bridge, looks around with a lazy eye and it must be, emy caught a soldier's eye. The soldier, as usual in the self-made war, wants to jump over, pretending not to notice the generals.
"A soldier, your mother, what is this?" Why did not they give it away ?!
- According to 147 points the honor on the bridge is not given!
The general was decaying, kozyryny and spazy home, came, poured out ystav, found a nyzhny pinkt, reads and snaps: |
"P.147 The soldier must be resourceful and bold."
And in the leap-byte 9 bits ...
Love leads to insomnia, and after sex it's good to sleep!
Cigars << Cannabis >>. Talk to the Ministry of Health personally.
Large-scale oil industry workers will kill the Russian stage.
If the girl's legs are raised from the ears - then it should look like a cocker spaniel.
Now the main thing is that the country does not lose the presidential election.
Blondes are always a mystery - whether painted, or born a fool ...
New season! Women's swimwear - pop-loess!
The tape recorder << Spring >>! Nothing to do with the spring, nothing to do with a tape recorder!
Tariff "Military" - the first two years for free!
No money - do not be sad, in the treasury, you run your hand!
Unsuccessfully exploded shahid in paradise await 72 mother-in ...
Man is born for happiness, but we have to work.
A well-bred man, having gone over at a banquet table, always delivers the sobs to the toilet ...
You can not be cheerful, sober and smart at the same time.
One movement is na. And the two movements are already dad!
Two levels of protection: Nigh and ... and do ...
One peasant says to another: - My wife got away completely from her hands ... She could not get out of her legs.
Speaker at the medical conference: - No matter how profound the contribution to the science of urologists is, the possibilities of gynecology are truly bottomless!
In honor of the Day of Militia ORT presents today the premiere of the film "Werewolves against the Predator."
The other day Count Dracula abandoned his title "Prince of Darkness" in favor of George W. Bush.
From life.
The event takes place in the toilet cubicle, at the height of the working day! At the most inopportune moment (when normal people do not think about work, but about the meaning of life), the mobile phone rings. Client! Very important! Call can not be repulsed! The answer is a business conversation lasting 4-5 minutes. I talked. The shutdown was ... And then from the next booth: - Well, can you let the water down already?
Evening. A park. Dusk. We sit on the bench. In the neighborhood, a young couple is sitting, embracing. A snake-tempter in the rank of sergeant of militia approaches them. A young man ... You break ... And what are you to her ... And you are sure that she is of age ... Here you are ... What if ... Come on! The gentleman nods. The lady is standing up, showing a serious belly (the seventh to eighth month, no less). And in silence, the malicious voice of the gentleman, addressed to the cop, is heard: - Well, where did you, asshole, devils wore 8 months ago ?!
With age, the programmer's stomach and diagonal monitor grow ...
And should, if you believe spam - a member and a bank account!
- What do you do for a living?
- I sell furniture ... Unfortunately, my own ...
- Moses went out and said: see these rivers, these mountains, these seas?
- Yes.
"Good, next."
Finally, the associations of anonymous alcoholics and ugly women came together ...
Everyone likes everything, everyone is happy with everything!
An Estonian boy comes home from school ... and he already has a wife and two children.
- What kind of noise, and there is no fight?
- Preliminary caress until ...
In the pharmacy.
- No, to buy arsenic, you need a prescription with a seal. One photo of your mother-in-law is not enough.
- And here, please, my marriage certificate, with a seal.
- So you two doses?
Sponsor of fights without rules - juices and nectars "Good".
- Stop, in the name of the law - stop!
- In the name of a vegetable - fuck you!
The man in the sex shop:
- Girl, you have a vagina with a vibrator?
- I have, but without a vibrator ...
Let's talk with each other culturally - instead of the phrase: "Yes you went to x!" Say: "I'm sending you to the source."
"I have a date today, boys!"
"With a rubber doll?"
- No, with this girl!
- Ah! And why did you quarrel with the doll?
Two friends divide the girl:
- I saw her first!
- Are you an obstetrician, or what?
Announcement: "A nude photographer is required to shoot nudity, having experience with a long exposure."
In emigration, in New York, an old Cuban dies. He asks his children to bring him a Cuban flag. Children are unsuccessfully searching for the flag. After a long search lead a prostitute. She undresses, turns her ass: on it - a colored tattoo in the form of a Cuban flag.
The happy old man starts kissing the flag, then says to the prostitute:
- Turn around - I said goodbye to Cuba, now I want to say goodbye to Fidel!
Talk behind the wall.
- How we kiss aloud!
- But fucking quiet!
His wife went into the newspaper.
"Listen, Kolya. Here it is written that in African countries a woman can be bought for $ 40, in full possession! It's just incredible!
- Why? - the husband answers reasonably. - A good woman can very well cost such money ...
- Girl, you have a postcard "Beloved mother-in-law", with a wish - So you died! But in order to beautifully so, in verse ...
Guys - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
At the most crucial moment, they think more about how their tits look.
"Go, my dear, the otkel has come ..."
That's how affectionately and sent Baba-Yaga good man in a pussy.
The girl makes a guy blowjob. Everything is orderly, measured. The guy threw his head back, enjoys and starts to whistle softly a simple melody ...
After a while, she notices that the girl reacts to the rhythm.
Slightly increases tact, girl accelerates. He begins to whistle a thunder, gradually accelerating the rhythm. The girl is also accelerating. The guy is even faster.
The girl too. The guy is already whistling at the limit of speed capabilities. The girl's head moves like a shuttle car. The guy is just constantly whistling, almost breaking into a roar and cums. The girl leans back in exhaustion and often breathes ...
The guy, annoyed:
- To laugh, as lips are tired ...
History, brought from the glorious city of Omsk:
Computer firm. A very rasped buyer is talking with the manager.
Dialogue takes place in the following mode:
-... this, like him, Pentium 5 to be!
- You know, there are no such processors, but we have Pentium 4, and we will definitely deliver it to you.
- And screw it, like it, Vovan said ... (climbs into his pocket, takes out a piece of paper, reads) Oh! Scapular!
- Yes, there are such hard disks, and we will definitely supply it to you.
The discussion continues for some time. A group of interested people gather around.
In the end, the whole configuration is thought out, and the buyer gives out the phrase:
"Well, is this all going to happen?"
- Somewhere a half thousand dollars.
- Cool, at Vovan's on a piece. Current is, I do not need a regular gray body.
I'm better (glancing at the window) ... Oh! This!
Manager (embarrassed):
"This one can not be ..."
Buyer (indignantly):
- Why?!
- This is a vacuum cleaner ...
In the courtroom, a boxer is judged for beating a woman. Boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, jerky man.
"Well, tell me, defendant, why did you beat a woman?"
"What woman is my mother-in-law!"
"Is not the mother-in-law a woman?" Asks the judge.
- Yes, in general, a woman ... - thinks the boxer.
"Tell the court why you beat her."
"Well, it's me, I'm coming home, I'm going on, it's in the kitchen, I'm eating it." Mother-in-law, Zhu-ju-ju, Zhu-ju-ju, and I'm eating em. Mother-in-law is again - zhu-ju-ju, zhu- ju-zhu - and then she opened ...

Two in bed.
She: Do you please be with me coastline - I'm still a girl.
He: Well, of course, everything will be as you ask, everything will be fine, I'll take care of you.
P O B E R E G H S! !! !!
Two in bed.
He: Oh, if I knew that you were still a girl, I would not be in such a hurry.
She: If you were not so in a hurry, I would have time to remove tights.
Unleashed ... I'm screwing with alcohol, and imagine, since the summer did not drink! And then my lip cracked. From a smile, I guess. Painful and hurtful.
I thought of no vitamins and bought beer. In it, I must say vitamins nemeryano. 2 liters took, why trifle.
Friends! How cool that is! And the lip has healed. It's not stupid ...
I go with a friend after the New Year party on the street, talking. Then a cop car flies out to meet me, brakes, stops and two cops come out of it, they come up. Well, we think, everyone, right now, will take you away and farewell to the holiday.
They come up to us and one pulls out sweets from his pocket and holds out with the words:
"Hold it ..."
We take, and on our question "For what?" They answer:
"Well, you are expecting some miracle this night!"
At one time, we spent quite a lot of time and energy on the instruction of our child to the pot. We explained why he needed it, and fixed it with a personal example. And when properly used, praised, however, as it turned out, slightly overdone. Now it comes to the point that a child (who started talking very early) praises an adult who comes out of the toilet every time:
- What a fine fellow, well pokakal.
And it would be fine only to the daddy or mum, but after all also visitors sometimes come, and it is necessary to them to come on malnkomu / big, the child here as here. Now we spend a lot of time and effort to wean the child from this habit.
Parrot's stuff
About parrots a lot of nonsense everyone says, like, only a green parrot speaks, only males talk, and stuff. A bird of any color and any gender talks, provided that the abilities and absence of the bird society are available.
Now I have learned to call the phone. He real phone differs in that he gives only one call and waits for what will be. Deceives, however, great. And the previous parrot clapped the front door and rang the keys. I ran into the hallway to see who came - and there was no one there. And the previous aunt printed a typewriter - all as it should be with a bell at the end of the line and a carriage carriage.
Once my mother came from the summer in the summer, the apartment is empty, and in my room someone is typing. She took a frying pan heavier, crept up ... In general, it is clear what happened next. Parrots in retaliation for fear of a little neck did not turn off.
Bold in greatcoats
I stand today at the crossroads, the pedestrians are burning red ...
There are not many cars ... Three guys in greatcoats are approaching the crossroads, and two of them do not move speed through the roadway (carrying the most impatient people behind them). And one remains, and waits for a green signal. He waited until he crossed the road and joined the waiting friends waiting for him. They meet him:
"You creep under the tank every day, and you are not afraid." And then some bus was frightened!
I went shopping
Once, he worked in the fire department and there was a peasant, ladies' man, who did not see any light, he was under 50 years old. He regularly paid taxes, as a rule, not for the sake of gain, but in order to find someone to have fun with. So:
Krasnodar. Summer. Late evening (around midnight). Goes, call him, Uncle Peter, on the street. Stasov by the hostels. They vote two flip flops (asians). He stops:
- Where are you going?
- It's all over ... Pakatatya ...
They sat down. They drive to the nearest crossroads
- Where we go? Left? Right?
- It's all over ... Pakatatya ...
Going further until the next crossroads
- Where we go? Left? Right?
- It's all over ... Pakatatya ...
They drive to the crossroads
- Where? Left? Right?
- It's all over ... Pakatatya ...
And so on until they left the country in the fields ... The Vietnamese were accommodating. Uncle Petya fucked one. Lit a cigarette and went back. Entering the city, he stops and says:
- Well, everything, I went, go out ...
They in return
- Nooo, give the money
- For what?!
- Go ### xia - pay, we recorded the number, tomorrow the police will fall.
- How many?
- What do you mean? For this money, I'm in Intourist two you ## y !!!
And Vietnamese, in an absolutely calm tone:
- E # and the second ...
I have nothing to do ... I paid
- In general, for the morning, Uncle Peter comes to replace and says:
* A glass eye inserted into the door peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.
* Leaving the children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: "Dad and Mom are busy. They clean and lubricate the machine gun."
* When the bandits begin to break open the door, try simultaneously to break it from their side. This will puzzle the intruders.
I graduated from the Economic Academy. year 2000. On the nose of the thesis. And also its no less important problems, and the diploma with all of its mind is pushed into the background.
My sister, Daniella, graduated two years earlier than the Academy of Development and Management.
In short, she could work with such a "verdict" to work almost in our government.
Without thinking for a long time, I asked him to push me to my graduation thesis, "Fundamentals of Development and Problems of Small Business." I approved it. It remains to scold the sister, so she viewed her thesis, and adjusted the details and especially the statistical data, because They have undergone a little change. With the teacher also fortunate. He immediately suggested that we all do not run around with mountains of paper, then bring him graduation diplomas on diskettes, and then he will simply write with a different font color when correcting. But the teacher was from strict. So shalturit would not work.
In short, I'm already almost "finished" with my graduate student .... And my sister literally sent a diskette the day before, and I honestly read my diploma to know what I'm writing about so cleverly. In short, I read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read a lot, read well, thoughtfully ..... read ....... I read ..... I read.
I stopped reading. On the next day I give the teacher (P). A day later he returns to me and is interested.
P - and tell me which literature do you use?
I- (I read, I have the concept) -la-la-la, blah-blah-blah, la-la-la (shorter answered)
P-and where did you get the statistics from?
I- "Statistic weekly", etc.
P - and how do you even write a diploma?
I thought the questions were already weird and I ask immediately in response to the type, "What's the matter?"
P - Well, like you look at yourself, I marked everything there.
In short I resort to the computer. I read, read, read ... I see its inserts, I read, I read, I see the edits ... I've shorter in terms of speed, because I did not particularly drag out and get on the ending of the thesis. And there font 72 is written by my sister Yulik, I do not have any more data, because I do not know what you need to write.
Needless to say, it was a "bomb". But I defended the thesis.

Citizens of Ukraine!
Whatever your face looks like Yushchenko, do not smoke when you're pissing Russian gas!

The peasant decided to remove the girl - and the agency says that today everyone is busy, there is only Vasya. The peasant was indignant at first, he left, but then he came back - it was very lucky. He speaks:
- Let's Vasya, nowhere to go ...
Asked to wait on the street - now, they say, come ...
A limousine arrives 18 meters long, a cool guy turns out to be surrounded by a crowd of guards, first talking with Putin, then with Berezovsky, then with Osama bin Laden ...
The guy runs back to the office and is interested:
- Vasya something in the courses, who - whom ?!

Ksusha Sobchak complains to the lieutenant Rzhevsky that her enemies compare her face with a horse's muzzle. "This is a blatant lie!" The lieutenant protested. "It's not a bit like a horse, it's a noble animal and its muzzle is beautiful and I would even say, inspired."

The papa-bear wakes up in the morning, approaches to the cup and growls menacingly:
"Who ate from my cup ?!"
The cub is running to his bowl and threateningly:
"And who ate from my cup !?"
Mom-bear, standing near the stove:
"Oh, how you fucked me!" Yes, I did not cook yet !!!

The cat, when crossing the road, lost 5 of 9 lives and was saved two times ...

Izzy arrives in Israel and first goes to a brothel.
"For me, please, Sarah."
To him answer:
"Sara's busy."
- I'll wait.
An hour later, Sarah was free, puffed up with Izya for an hour, Izya gets 200 dollars and gives Sarah.
Sara was pleasantly surprised:
- Why so much, my God?
But she took the money. The next day Izya comes again, and the whole story repeats itself. On the third day, too, after the bed, Sarah again:
- Why so much, my God?
- That you, that you, everything is all right, it's your aunt from Odessa asked me to give you $ 600.

- The Chinese government decided not to put more photos on the passport.
- Why?
- What for?

Едет мужик на своей "девятке". Впереди "Мерс", из тех, что спортивные, но "дамского покроя", свежий, дорогой, понятно. Не суть почему, но мужик своей "девятиной" достает корму "Мерса". Остановился он, "Мерс" тоже. Из "Мерса" выходит "упакованная" "Телка". Мужик на раскаяние не торопится.
- Ну, что делать будем?
Мужик жмет плечами.
- Я мужу сейчас позвоню (доставая мобилу).
Мужик - ноль эмоций.
Телка набирает номер, стоя совсем рядом с мужиком, и когда на звонок отвечают, мужик слышит обе стороны разговора - так сильно установлена громкость на телкиной мобиле, и так близко она стоит. Диалог по телефону:
- Я в аварию попала!
Пауза, затем ответ:
- А какая у него машина?
Телка, стоя в метре от девятки, и, видимо не отличая ее от КамАЗа, поворачивается к мужику и спрашивает:
- Какая у тебя машина?
Мужика "пробивает":
- "ЯГУАР"!!!
Телка в трубу:
- У него "Ягуар"!
Пауза, дольше первой, затем ответ:
- Спроси, у него к тебе претензии есть?
Телка ретранслирует вопрос мужику.
Тот, выдержав паузу, едва ли не с ярко выраженным благородством, отвечает отрицательно.
Телка, в трубу:
- У него претензий нет!

Убежало одеяло, улетела простыня, поскорей бы отпустило, пока мама не пришла!

Недавно скинхед Иван в парке Орлёнок встретил Майка Тайсона и, к своему сожалению, не узнал его.

Идет лекция о вреде алкоголя.
- Известно немало случаев, - говорит лектора - когда жена уходит от мужа, который пьет... Голос из зала: - И сколько для этого надо выпить?

Мужик сон рассказывает:
- Плыву я на корабле. Корабль большой, белый, трубы дымят.
Вдруг - течь! Я ее затыкаю-затыкаю, затыкаю-затыкаю, просыпаюсь - пол-одеяла в заднице!

- Ну, как у тебя дела с Васей?
- Нормально: мы ссоримся только из-за пустяков. Я хочу быть на свадьбе в фате, украшенной стальной цепочкой, а он вообще не хочет жениться.
Приходит баба в туристическое бюро:
- Мне бы где-нибудь отдохнуть.
- Гавайи. Солнце, воздух свежий. 500 долларов.
- Нет, дорого, чего-нибудь проще.
- Золотые пески. Классные развлечения. 150 долларов.
- Дороговато...
- Ну, озеро Нароч. Тот же воздух, та же вода, только у нас. 30 долларов.
- Дорого...
- Пешая прогулка с элементами секса. Is free!
- Подходит!
- Ну и иди на ...!

Завещание: "А брату Джону завещаю свою секретаршу..."

Секретаршу уволили. Она едко выражает свое презрение бывшему шефу:
- Да я с моими двумя университетами (показывает на груди), широким кругозором (похлопывает себя по заду) и узкой специализацией (проводит рукой по талии) везде найду себе работу! А вы, в вашим мягким характером (показывает ему согнутый палец) - ни с кем не сработаетесь!

- Скажите, здесь живет доктор Бергер? Знаете, такой небольшой, тол- стый, с лысиной.
- Третий этаж направо. Он живет, конечно, не в этом доме, а напротив.
Доктор ли он, я не знаю. Но послушайте, как вы можете утверждать, что он маленький и толстый, я бы скорее сказал, что он скорее худой.
Бергером его тоже не зовут. Да, подождите... его зовут Мандельштам. Его зовут! Три недели назад он, бедняга, умер. Мне искренне жаль вас.

Местный и приезжий евреи стоят у могильной плиты с надписью "Неизвестному еврейскому солдату". Приезжий сокрушается:
- Никак нельзя узнать, кто здесь лежит?
- Почему нельзя? Все знают, что здесь лежит Хаим Рабинович.
- Так причем здесь неизвестный солдат?!
- Точно неизвестно, был ли Хаим Рабинович солдатом.

Когда Рабиновича берут в армию, он говорит, что он хотел бы служить во флоте.
- А плавать вы умеете?
- Плавать? Мне это нравится! У вас что, кораблей нет?