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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The teacher tells the student:
“Tomorrow, let your grandfather come to school!”
- Do you want to say - father?
- No, grandfather. I want to show him what gross mistakes his son makes in your homework.

The head of the clinic asks the novice doctor:
- Your first patient, a colleague, recovered, why are you so depressed?
- You see, professor, I just can not understand why he still recovered?

A lover flies from the 12th floor and thinks in despair: -What a fool I am - a beautiful wife at home, fine kids, a dacha, a car ... Falls on a tree, then into bushes and in a snowdrift.
- Comes into the head such garbage!

If a lot of urgent matters have accumulated, then you must first decide which of them should be postponed first.
I do not know how you can stretch the pleasure for a few hours - but I know for sure how you can by several centimeters!
All beautiful women are alike. Each ugly terrible in its own way.
Linux Is Like A Wigwam - No Windows, No Gates And An Arash Inside ...
Knowledge of the law does not exempt from temptation.
Local fools are to blame for all the troubles of modern Russia, while local roads and the once parting Red Sea are to blame.
Something is not pinned me by young girls, some are shallow ...
Mosquitoes have risen markedly after they have thought of donating blood for money ...
And advertising has its good points! Now everyone knows where women hide their wings.
A real hunter will determine the age of a bear by the number of hickeys on its paws.
If you are always attracted to positive people, then you are negative!
Necropedozofil is just a lover of fried chicken!
If you have nothing to eat for breakfast, then you can go to a friend for lunch - he will share, but for dinner it is better to go to the enemy - he will give up everything.

- I bought a Scottish shepherd dog, and it scares its neighbors so much ...
- What, barks loudly?
- She doesn't bark at all! But this tartan skirt and bagpipes ...
The CEC of Ukraine announced that in the match Milan-Miner won the miner with the score 12: 4.
Up to 30 players and 5 absentee balls were present on the field.
The coach of the Russian team congratulated Shakhtar with a convincing victory in the League of Champions.
Fans of the Miner are going to defend the victory of their champion.

USA, Boston, the home of John Kerry. Everything, as usual: wife, children, dog ...
Carrie himself sits in an armchair, watching CNN, the second week showing a report from Maidan Nezalezhnosti ...
He turns to his wife and says:
- Honey, may already be enough?
- No, no! Look, loser, look!

Hello Dedushka Moroz!
Do not be teased.
/ Petya Kakashkin, 7 years old /

- What are you complaining about!
- Yes, they beat me all!
- And who are you?
- Anxiety!

The owner of the hotel in Tbilisi wants to impress the new guest:
- Dumas and Pushkin slept in your bed!
The guest condescendingly replies:
- If you change the laundry immediately - I will close my eyes to this disgrace ...

- Problems with potency?
- None! No other ...

- Dad, where do children come from?
- And why, son, you are not interested in where adults come from? Or are we on the drum?

Call at the duty of fire protection:
- Rather, come fire!
- Clear! Do not extinguish, we are already leaving!

- And my son was born!
- Yah!!! who do you look like?
- Drunk on me!
- ???
- Well, just screaming at everyone and looking for boobs all the time ...

Yesterday I again played with the computer in preference. Nice plays, bastard! Already on the third upgrade earns itself!

In Tatarstan, turned the boat with 5 fishermen.
One died, the second are looking for, the other three are wanted.

The client somehow comes to an advertising agency. He sees a picture: everyone runs, everyones carry papers, they write something, they read something, someone speaks loudly on the phone, in a word, everyone is in business, everyone is busy ...
And in a separate office - a cigarette mist, a peasant some unshaven beer gushing, legs on the table, playing “Tetris” on the computer, around porn magazines!
The client asks the first available employee:
- No, well, I understand everything, everyone works, everyone is busy - and this one is special ?!
- You see, a couple of years ago, this man had an idea that brought our agency $ 13 million of net profit!
- So what?!
“Well, as I recall, this idea occurred to him when he was in exactly this state ...”

The well-known breeder Gomosechenov from the city of Rostov-on-Dom has grown on his backyard a unique type of plant Ivan da Marya with two blue pistils in inflorescence. The scientist bred to them by the flower gave the name Vanya da Vanya.

- Girls - but what to do to make the date not be the last?
- Baby.

- Is that you ?!
- Rabbit - a pervert!
- Oh, just do not! Pervert! An ordinary rabbit ...
- Let go ?!

- Doctor! Help me, I hear a lot of unreal voices!
- Do not worry, we will definitely remove your hallucinations.
- No, doctor, you did not understand, I want the voices to become real!
- Then it is not for me. Contact the CEC!

Men!
There is only one advantage in having a woman boss, she will not find you in the toilet!

- Chief, what are your complaints about your secretary? After all, she guesses all your desires.
- Yes, but she does not perform them!

A peasant is sawing a man almost every day. Well, no peace!
Man went to the witch. Agreed The witch gave him a bottle of medicine and said:
- His wife will drink it - that's all! Disappear!
The next day, the man resorts to the witch. Yells:
- What have you done, old ?!
Witch:
- How - what? ... Wife disappeared?
- Disappeared.
- Then everything is correct ...
- What does right mean? And the sound remained!

On another demand from Japan to give her the Kuril Islands, an earthquake occurred.

- Vasya, and you love me?
- Not.
- Do you want?
- Yes.
- And I am the opposite!

Stuntman - actor:
- Hi, I'm your new understudy. I will replace you in the risk of life episodes ...
- OK. First, go to my house and tell my wife where I was last night.

- Maybe I'll give you a deodorant?
- What for?!
- So that your spirit was not here, damn it!

From life.
A young woman came to the abortion, undressed and placed in the chair. The doctor, frowning thoughtfully, looked at the vagina and, pointing the finger, asked a sacramental question:
- What's this?!
Madame looked thoughtfully and answered in a calm, even tone:
- Like what - cunt ...
- No, I don’t mean it, - and the doctor pointed to the natural vegetation in the pubic area - why not shaved ?!
- Oh, my husband does not allow ...
- And where is your husband?
- Behind the door waiting ...
“Just a minute,” said the doctor and left the office. He returned to the office with other middle-aged men, led him to the chair and, pointing his finger there, asked:
- What's this?! - Like what - cunt ...
- No, I mean - why do you forbid her to shave?
- I forbid it ?! Yes, I do not care!
“And this is not my husband,” the patient said.

Little Johnny rushes after the lesson down the hall and nearly knocks down the headmaster.
He angrily grabs his shoulder and says:
- Now come back and go calmly! And say hello to me as your father greets friends!
Little Johnny takes a few steps, waddling - hands in pockets - goes to the director, slaps him on the back so that that little point has not jumped off, and screams at the top of his neck:
- Well, great, old x #%! I have not seen you for a hundred years, e $ #% be your bald skull !!
Not dead yet, n # $% and walrus !!!
Two friends met.
- An interesting concert yesterday?
- Oh, extremely! Performed the oratorio of Handel!
- What is, strictly speaking, an oratorio?
“Wait, I'll explain to you now.” Here, for example, if I said
to you: "Janusz, give me a little finger!" - this is not an oratorio. But if I say to you: "Janusz, Janusz, oh give me a tsygarochka, oh give me, oh give a tsygarochka, tsigaruka, a tsygarachka, give me a tsygarachka, give, give, give me a tsigarchin! - this is already an oratorio!

Conversation of two new Russians: -I will go to study for the security of a pianist! -What for! 8-Oh, come on! Bolshoi Theater! Huge room! A lot of people! Everyone is looking at me! And I'm sitting on the stage and my wildebeest fingers!
The general walks through the bridge, looks at it lazily and it was necessary, the soldier caught his eye. The soldier as usual in AWOL and wants to jump past, pretending not to notice the general.
General:
- Soldier, your mother, what is this ?! Why did you not give honor ?!
Soldier:
- According to 147 punkt ystava, no honor is given to the bridge!
The general got tired, trumped up and went home, found, flipped through, stood, found the hot point, read and went crazy: |
"P.147. A soldier must be resourceful and brave."
And in a leap byte 9 bits ...
Love leads to insomnia, and after sex sleep well!
Cigarettes << Hemp >>. Talk to the Ministry of Health in person.
The Russian pop-stage will be destroyed by oilmen with many children.
If a girl's legs grow from ears, then she should look like a cocker spaniel.
Now the main thing is that the country does not lose the presidential election.
Blondes are always a mystery - whether painted or born a fool ...
New season! Women's swimwear - pop loess!
<< Spring >> tape recorder! Nothing to do with spring, nothing to do with a tape recorder!
<< Military >> tariff - the first two years are free!
There is no money - do not be sad, in the treasury you run your hand!
72 mother-in-law are waiting for the unsuccessfully exploding shahid in paradise ...
Man is born to be happy, but you have to work.
A well-educated person, having touched the banquet table, will always carry it off to the toilet ...
You can not be both fun, sober and intelligent.
One movement is pa. And two movements - this is already a dad!
Two levels of protection: High and ... and do not ...
One man says to another: - My wife completely broke off her hands ... She could not get away from her legs.
Speaker at the medical conference: - No matter how deep the contribution to the science of urology is, the possibilities of gynecology are truly bottomless!
In honor of the Militia Day, ORT today presents the premiere of the film "Werewolves against a predator."
The other day Count Dracula abandoned his title “The Prince of Darkness” in favor of George Bush Jr.
From life.
The event takes place in the toilet stall, at the height of the working day! At the most inappropriate moment (when normal people think not about work, but about the meaning of life) a mobile phone rings. Customer! Very important! The call can not be beaten off! The answer and is a business conversation lasting 4-5 minutes. I talked. It turned off ... And then from the next stall: - Well, is it already possible to flush the water?
Evening. A park. Dusk. We sit on the bench. Next door, a young couple are sitting, embracing. A serpent tempter with the rank of a police sergeant approaches them. A young man ... You break ... And by whom do you come to her ... Are you sure that she is an adult ... Here you are ... And what if ... Let's go, sir! Cavalier nods. The lady gets up, showing a serious belly (the seventh or eighth month, no less). And in the silence the angry voice of the gentleman, addressed to the cop, is heard: “So where were you, asshole, the devils were worn 8 months ago ?!
With age, the programmer grows a stomach and a monitor diagonal ...
And should, if you believe spam - a member and a bank account!
- What do you do for a living?
- I sell furniture ... Unfortunately, my own ...
- Moses came out and said: see these rivers, these mountains, these seas?
- Yes.
- Good, next.
Finally, societies of anonymous alcoholics and ugly women have united ...
Everyone likes everything, everyone is happy with everything!
An Estonian boy comes home from school ... and he already has a wife and two children.
- What kind of noise, but no fight?
- Foreplay for now ...
In the pharmacy.
- No, to buy arsenic, you need a prescription with a seal. One photo of your mother-in-law is not enough.
- And here, please, my marriage certificate, with a seal.
- So you two doses?
Sponsor fights without rules - juices and nectars "Good."
- Wait, in the name of the law - stop!
- In the name of a vegetable - to hell with you!
A man in a sex shop:
- Girl, do you have a vibrator with a vibrator?
- I have, but without a vibrator ...
Let's talk to each other culturally - instead of the phrase: "Fuck you on x!" say: "I refer you to the source."
- I, boys, today date!
- With a rubber doll?
- No, with a real girl!
- Oh! And why did you quarrel with the doll?
Two friends share a girl:
- I saw her first!
- Are you an obstetrician?
Announcement: "For shooting nude requires a photographer who has experience with a long exposure."
In emigration, in New York, an old Cuban is dying. He asks his children to bring him a Cuban flag. Children unsuccessfully looking for a flag. After a long search lead prostitute. She undresses, turns her ass: on her - colored tattoo in the form of the Cuban flag.
A satisfied old man begins to kiss the flag, then tells the prostitute:
- Turn around - I said goodbye to Cuba, now I want to say goodbye to Fidel!
Talk behind the wall.
- How we loudly kiss!
- But fuck quietly!
The wife went deep into the newspaper.
- Listen, Kohl. It says here that in African countries a woman can be bought for $ 40, in full possession! It's just unbelievable!
- Why? - the husband rationally answers. - A good woman can even cost that kind of money ...
- Girl, you have a postcard "Beloved Mother-in-law", with a wish - So that you die !!! But so beautiful, verses ...
Guys - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
At the crucial moment, they think more about what their tits look like.
- Go, my dear, otkel appeared ...
That is so kindly and sent Baba Yaga good fellow in pussy.
The girl makes a guy a blowjob. Everything is decorous, measured. The guy threw back his head, enjoys and begins to quietly whistle a simple melody ...
After a while, she notices that the girl reacts to the rhythm.
A little increases the tact, the girl is accelerating. He begins to whistle thunder, gradually accelerating the rhythm. The girl is also accelerating. The guy is even faster.
The girl too. The guy is already whistling at the limit of speed capabilities. The head of the girl moves like a shuttle of a machine. The guy is already just constantly whistling, almost breaking on a roar and ends. The girl in exhaustion leans back and often-often breathes ...
Guy, annoyed:
- Mlyat, how are your lips tired ...
The story brought from the glorious city of Omsk:
Computer firm. With the manager talking very raspattsovanny buyer.
The dialogue takes place in the following mode:
-... this, like him, Pentium 5 so that was!
- You know, there are no such processors, but we have a Pentium 4, and we will install it for you.
- And the screw is like his, Vova said ... (reaches into his pocket, pulls out a piece of paper from there, reads) Oh! Skazevy!
- Yes, there are such hard drives, and we will put it to you.
The discussion continues for some time. Around is going to a handful of interested.
In the end, the entire configuration is thought out, and the buyer gives the phrase:
- Well, lope it all will be?
“About fifteen hundred dollars.”
- Cool, at Vova on a piece. The current is, the body I do not need the usual gray.
I feel better (glances over the window) ... Oh! This!
Manager (embarrassed):
- This can not ...
Buyer (indignant):
- Why?!
- This is a vacuum cleaner ...
A boxer is tried in the courtroom for beating a woman. The boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, jerky man.
Judge:
- Well, tell me, defendant, why did you beat a woman?
“What woman is my mother-in-law!”
- Is not mother-in-law a woman? - asks the judge.
- Yes, in general a woman ... - boxer ponders.
- Well, tell the court why you beat her.
- Well, this, I come, it means that I go home, I go to, this, to the kitchen, I sit by it. Mother-in-law - Zhu-Zhu-Zhu, Zhu-Zhu-Zhu, and I sit eating. The mother-in-law is again - Zhu-Zhu-Zhu, Zhu-Zhu-Zhu - and here she opened ...

Two in bed.
She: You please be careful with me - I am a girl.
He: Well, of course, everything will be as you ask, everything will be fine, I will take care of you.
P O B E R E G AND S b! ! !
Two in bed.
He: Oh, if I knew that you were still a girl, I would not be in a hurry.
She: If you had not been in such a hurry, I would have time to take off my pantyhose.
I untied it ... I tied it up with a sinful affair with alcohol, and imagine, I haven't drunk since summer! And then my lip cracked. From a smile, I guess. It hurts and shame.
I thought there are no vitamins and bought a beer. In it, I must say vitamins nemeryannom. 2 liters took something to trifle.
Friends! How great it is! And the lip has healed. Seen not a fool ...
Miracle
I'm going with a friend after meeting the New Year on the street, talking. Here the Cop car flies towards, brakes, stops and two cops are thrown out of it, fit. Well, we think that everyone will take them away and say goodbye to the holiday.
They approach us and one pulls out of a pocket candy and draws it with the words:
- Hold ...
We take, and our question "For what?" they answer:
- Well, you are waiting for some miracle this night!
Overdid
At one time, we spent quite a lot of time and energy on training our child to the pot. We explained why it is needed, and fixed it by personal example. And when used correctly, praised, however, as it turned out, slightly overdone. Now it comes to the fact that the baby (very early to speak) every time praises an adult coming out of the toilet:
- What a fine fellow, well pokak.
And only dad or mom would be okay, but even then the guests sometimes come in and it’s worth them to go by short / big, the baby is right there. Now we spend a lot of time and effort to disaccustom the child from this habit.
Parrot things
About the parrots they say a lot of nonsense, like, only the green parrot talks, only the males talk, and so on. A bird of any color and any gender talks, subject to the presence of abilities and the absence of the same bird society.
Now I have learned to call the phone. This phone is different in that it gives only one call and waits for it to be. Cheats, however, great. And the previous parrot slammed the front door and rang the keys. I ran into the hallway to see who came - and there was no one. And the previous aunt was typing with a typewriter - all as it should be with a call at the end of the line and a carriage return.
Once my mother arrived in the summer from a summer house, the apartment is empty, and in my room someone types on a typewriter. She took the frying pan heavier, crept ... In general, it is clear what happened next. Parrot in retaliation for the fright almost neck is not turned.
Bold in overcoats
I stand today at the crossroads, the pedestrians are burning red ...
There are not many cars ... Three guys in their overcoats approach the intersection, and two of them move through the roadway without slowing down (carrying the most impatient with them). And one remains, and waits for the green signal. After waiting, he goes dorga and joins the waiting friends. They meet him:
“You're crawling daily under a tank, and you're not afraid.” And then some bus got scared!
Traveled pakatya
Once, he worked in the fire department and was there for them muzhiček, an lady-lover, whom he hadn’t seen the world, he was under 50 years old. He regularly took taxes, as a rule, not for a bit of extra work, but in order to find someone to have some fun with. So:
Krasnodar. Summer. Late evening (around midnight). Rides, call him, Uncle Peter, on the street. Stasov past the hostel. vote two Vietnamese (Asian). He stops:
- Where are you going?
- Vserano ... Pakatatya ...
Sat down. Go to the nearest intersection
- Where we go? Left? Right?
- Vserano ... Pakatatya ...
Go further to the next intersection
- Where we go? Left? Right?
- Vserano ... Pakatatya ...
Go to the intersection
- Where? Left? Right?
- Vserano ... Pakatatya ...
And so on. Until they left the city for the fields ... The flip-flops were compliant. Uncle Peter fucked one. smoked and went back. Having entered the city, he stops and says:
- Well, that's it, I went, go out ...
They are in response
- Nah, money come on
- For what?!
- Go ### sya - pay, we wrote down the number, tomorrow we'll go the militia.
- How many?
- 100 dolyarov.
- What do you mean? For this money, I'm in Intourist two ## y !!!
A Vietnamese, absolutely calm tone:
- E # and the second ...
Nothing to do ... Paid
- In general, on the morning Uncle Peter comes to replace and says:
- HERE B ### b, PASSED PASSED ...
* A glass eye inserted into the peephole will scare any thief away from your apartment.
* Leaving the children alone in the house, teach them to answer all the calls: "Dad and Mom are busy. They clean and lubricate the machine gun."
* When the gangsters start breaking down the door, try breaking it on your side at the same time. This will puzzle intruders.
I graduated from the Academy of Economics. year 2000. On the nose thesis. As well as their own equally important problems, with the degree of his mind with all his mind pushed into the background.
My sister, Daniella, graduated 2 years earlier than the Academy of Development and Management.
In short, she could go with this << verdict >> almost to our government.
Without hesitation, I asked to push her << The Basics of Development and the Problems of Small Business >> onto my thesis. I approved it. It remains to sway the sister, so that she looked at her graduation thesis, and corrected the details and especially the statistical data, since they have undergone a change. With the teacher also lucky. He immediately suggested that we all do not rush around with a lot of paper, then bring diploma papers to him on diskettes, and then he will simply write with a different color with a font when adjusting. But the teacher was strict. So it would not work out.
In short, I’m already carrying him almost готов ready-made А graduate student .... And my sister literally passed a diskette the day before, I honestly read my degree in order to know what I’m writing cleverly about there. In short, I read, I read, I read, I read, I read, I read, I read, I read a lot, I read well, thoughtfully ..... I read ....... I read ..... I read.
Zadolbalsya read. The next day I pass the teacher (P). A day later he returns to me and is interested.
P - and tell me what literature you use?
I (I read, I have the concept) la-la-la, bla-bla-bla, la-la-la (in short, answered)
P-but the statistics from where did you get it?
I- << Statistical weekly >> etc.
P - and how do you write your diploma?
The questions already seemed strange to me and I ask right away in response to the type, - What is the actual thing?
P - Well, you see for yourself, I noted everything there.
In short, I resort to a computer. I read, I read, I read ... I see his inserts, I read, I read, I see the edits ... in short, I read quickly, because It didn’t bother me too much and I got to the end of my graduation thesis. And there the font 72 is written by my sister, an ANULIK, I DO NOT HAVE MORE DATA, SO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WRITE ELSE.
Needless to say that it was << a bomb >>. But I defended my thesis.

Citizens of Ukraine!
Whatever your face does not look like Yushchenko, do not smoke when you pussy Russian gas!

The man decided to remove the girl - and in the agency they say that today everyone is busy, only Vasya is there. The man was at first indignant, left, but then returned - very much secured. He speaks:
- Let Vasya, nowhere to go ...
They ask to wait on the street - now, they say, they will come ...
A 18-meter-long limousine pulls up, a cool-looking guy comes out, surrounded by a crowd of guards, talking on a mobile phone, first with Putin, then with Berezovsky, then with Osama Bin Laden ...
A man runs back to the office and is interested in:
- Vasya in the courses, who - whom?

Ksyusha Sobchak complains to Lieutenant Rzhevsky that the enemies compare her face with a horse muzzle. "This is a blatant lie!" - the lieutenant was indignant. "Not a bit like. The horse is a noble animal and it has a beautiful muzzle and I would even say, inspired."

The daddy bear wakes up in the morning, walks up to his cup and growls menacingly:
- WHO IS EATING FROM MY CUP ?!
The bear runs to his bowl and squeaks menacingly:
- And who ate out of my cup !?
Mother bear standing at the stove:
- Oh, how did you fuck me! Yes, I have not cooked yet !!!

When crossing the road, the cat lost 5 out of 9 lives and survived twice ...

Izza comes to Israel and first goes to a brothel.
- I, please, Sarah.
He is answered:
- Sarah is busy.
- I'll wait.
An hour later, Sarah was freed, snuggled with Izya for an hour, Izya gets $ 200 and gives it to Sarah.
Sarah was pleasantly surprised:
- Why so much, my God?
But she took the money. The next day Izza comes again, and the whole story repeats. On the third day, the same thing, after bed, Sarah again:
- Why so much, my God?
- That you, that you, everything is all right, this is your aunt from Odessa asked to transfer to you 600 dollars.

- The Chinese government has decided not to put more photos in the passport.
- Why?
- What for?

A man goes to his "nine". Ahead of "Merce", of those that are sports, but "ladies cut", fresh, expensive, of course. Not the essence of why, but the man of his "deviatiny" gets feed "Merce". He stopped, "Merce", too. From the "Merce" comes "packed" "Heifer." A man for remorse is not in a hurry.
"Heifer":
- Well, what shall we do?
A man shrugs.
Heifer:
- I'll call my husband now (getting a mobile phone).
Man - zero emotion.
Heifer dials the number, standing very close to the man, and when the call is answered, the man hears both sides of the conversation - the volume on the mobile phone is set so tightly, and so close it is. Dialogue on the phone:
- I got into an accident!
Pause, then answer:
- What is his car?
A heifer, standing a meter from nine, and apparently not distinguishing her from KamAZ, turns to the peasant and asks:
- What is your car?
The man "breaks through":
- "JAGUAR" !!!
Heifer in pipe:
- He has a Jaguar!
A pause, longer than the first, then the answer:
- Ask him he has a claim to you?
Heifer relays the question to the peasant.
He, having sustained a pause, almost with a pronounced nobility, answers in the negative.
Heifer, in the pipe:
- He has no complaints!
From there:
- Then VALI FROM OUT TO HUI RATHER !!!

A blanket escaped, a sheet flew away, I would quickly let go until mom arrived!

Recently, skinhead Ivan in the park Orlyonok met Mike Tyson and, unfortunately, did not recognize him.

There is a lecture about the dangers of alcohol.
- Many cases are known, - the lecturer says - when the wife leaves her husband, who drinks ... A voice from the audience: - And how much should you drink for this?

A man dream tells:
- I'm sailing on a ship. The ship is big, white, the pipes are smoking.
Suddenly - to flow! I plug it, plug it, plug it, plug it, wake up - half a blanket in my ass!

- Well, how are you doing with Vasya?
- Normally: we quarrel only because of trifles. I want to be at a wedding in a veil decorated with a steel chain, but he does not want to marry at all.
A woman comes to the travel agency:
- I would rest somewhere.
- Hawaii. The sun, the air is fresh. 500 dollars.
- No, it's expensive, something simpler.
- Golden Sands. Cool fun. 150 dollars.
- Expensive ...
- Well, Lake Naroch. The same air, the same water, only here. 30 dollars.
- Expensive...
- A walk with elements of sex. Is free!
- Suitable!
- Well, go to ...!

Testament: "I will bequeath to my brother John my secretary ..."

The secretary was fired. She bitterly expresses her contempt for the former boss:
- Да я с моими двумя университетами (показывает на груди), широким кругозором (похлопывает себя по заду) и узкой специализацией (проводит рукой по талии) везде найду себе работу! А вы, в вашим мягким характером (показывает ему согнутый палец) - ни с кем не сработаетесь!

- Скажите, здесь живет доктор Бергер? Знаете, такой небольшой, тол- стый, с лысиной.
- Третий этаж направо. Он живет, конечно, не в этом доме, а напротив.
Доктор ли он, я не знаю. Но послушайте, как вы можете утверждать, что он маленький и толстый, я бы скорее сказал, что он скорее худой.
Бергером его тоже не зовут. Да, подождите... его зовут Мандельштам. Его зовут! Три недели назад он, бедняга, умер. Мне искренне жаль вас.

Местный и приезжий евреи стоят у могильной плиты с надписью "Неизвестному еврейскому солдату". Приезжий сокрушается:
- Никак нельзя узнать, кто здесь лежит?
- Почему нельзя? Все знают, что здесь лежит Хаим Рабинович.
- Так причем здесь неизвестный солдат?!
- Точно неизвестно, был ли Хаим Рабинович солдатом.

Когда Рабиновича берут в армию, он говорит, что он хотел бы служить во флоте.
- А плавать вы умеете?
- Плавать? Мне это нравится! У вас что, кораблей нет?