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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The teacher tells the student:
"Tomorrow, let your grandfather come to school!"
"You mean father?"
"No, Grandfather. I want to show him how gross mistakes his son makes in your homework.

The head of the clinic asks the beginning doctor:
- Your first patient, colleague, recovered, why are you so depressed?
"You see, Professor, I can not understand why he recovered after all?"

The lover flies from the 12th floor and in despair thinks: -What kind of fool am I at home-a beautiful wife, excellent children, a summer house, a car ... Falling on a tree, then into bushes and a snowdrift.
"It would come to my mind to fuck this!"

If a lot of urgent cases have accumulated, then it is first necessary to decide which of them should be postponed in the first place.
I do not know how you can stretch the pleasure for a few hours - but I know for sure how you can be a few centimeters!
All beautiful women are similar to each other. Every ugly is terrible in its own way.
Linuks Is Likе A Wigwаm - Nо Windоws, Nо Gates аnd Аn Arashe Insidе ...
Knowledge of the law does not relieve temptation.
In all the troubles of modern Russia, local fools are to blame, the local roads and the once-divergent Red Sea.
Something does not pin me young girls, some of them are shallow ...
The mosquitoes rose noticeably after they thought of donating blood for money ...
And advertising has its good sides! Now everyone knows where women hide their wings.
A real hunter will determine the age of the bear by the number of paws on the paws.
If you are always drawn to positive people, then you are negative!
Necropedozoofil - it's just a fan of fried chicken!
If there is nothing to eat for breakfast, then you can go to dinner for a dinner - he will share, and for dinner it is better to go to the enemy - he will give everything.

- I bought a Scottish shepherd, and she scares the neighbors so much ...
"What, is it barking loudly?"
"She does not bark at all!" But this plaid skirt and bagpipes ...
The CEC of Ukraine announced that in the match Milan-Shakhtar was defeated by Shakhtar with a score of 12: 4.
On the field there were up to 30 players and 5 absentee balls.
The coach of the Russian national team congratulated the Shakhtar with a convincing victory in the Champions League.
Fans of Shakhtar go to defend the victory of their champion.

USA, Boston, John Carrie's house. Everything, as usual: wife, children, a dog ...
In the chair is sitting Carrie, watching the CNN channel, the second week showing a report from Maidan Nezalezhnosti ...
Turns to his wife and says:
- Honey, can it be enough already?
- No, really! Look, loser, look!

Hello Dedushka Moroz!
Do not let me be teased.
/ Petya Kakashkin, 7 years old /

- What are you complaining about!
- Yes, they beat me all!
- And who are you?
- Anxiety!

The owner of the hotel in Tbilisi wants to impress the new guest:
"Dumas and Pushkin slept in your bed!"
The guest condescendingly answers:
- If you change immediately underwear - I'll close my eyes to this disgrace ...

- Problems with potency?
- None! No other ...

- Dad, where do the children come from?
- And why, son, you are not interested, where do adults come from? Or are we on the drum?

Call from the duty fire brigade:
"Come quickly, fire!"
- Clear! Do not extinguish, we are already leaving!

- And my son was born!
- Yah!!! who is it like?
"I'm drunk on me!"
- ???
- Well, he also shouts at all and looks for boobs all the time ...

Yesterday again I played with the computer in the preference. Great play, you bastard! Already on the third upgrade itself earns!

In Tatarstan, a boat with 5 fishermen turned over.
One is dead, one is searched, the other three are wanted.

Comes as a client in an advertising agency. He sees the picture: everyone is running around, all sorts of notes are worn, they are writing something, reading something, someone is talking loudly on the phone, in a word, everything is at work, everyone is busy ...
And in a separate room - a fog cigarette, a peasant some unshaven beer gushes, feet on the table, playing "tetris" on the computer, around the porn magazines!
The client asks the first employee:
- No, well, I understand everything, everyone is working, everyone is busy - but this one, special ?!
- You see, a couple of years ago this man came up with an idea that brought our agency $ 13 million net profit!
- So what?!
"Well, well, as far as I remember, this idea occurred to him when he was in that condition ..."

A well-known homosexual breeder from the city of Rostov-on-the-Dom grew a unique view of the Ivan-da-marya plant with two blue pistils in his inflorescence on his plot. He gave the flower he derived the name Vanya-da-Vanya.

- Girls - but what to do, so that the meeting is not the last?
- The child.

- This is what you have ?!
"Rabbit is a pervert!"
- Oh, just do not! Pervert! The usual rabbit ...
- Let go ?!

- Doctor! Help me, I hear a lot of unreal voices!
"Do not worry, we will definitely take away your hallucinations."
- No, doctor, you do not understand, I want the voices to become real!
"Then it's not for me." Apply to the CEC!

In order to have a woman boss, there is only one advantage: in the toilet she will not find you!

"Chief, what are your complaints against your secretary?" After all, she guesses all your desires.
- Yes, but she does not fulfill them!

A man almost every day saws his wife. Well, no rest!
A man went to the sorceress. Have agreed. The witch gave him a bottle of medicine and said:
"His wife will drink it, that's all!" Disappear!
The next day the peasant resorts to a witch. Shouts:
- What have you done, old ?!
- How - what? ... The wife disappeared?
- Disappeared.
- Then everything is correct ...
- What does it mean correctly? But the sound is left!

At the next demand of Japan to give her the Kuril Islands occurred och alternate earthquake.

"Vasya, do you love me?"
- No.
- And you want?
- Yes.
- And I'm on the contrary!

Stuntman - movie actor:
- Hi, I'm your new backup. I will replace you in episodes related to the risk to life ...
- OK. First, go to my house and tell my wife where I was last night.

- Maybe I'll give you a deodorant?
- What for?!
"So that your spirit is not here, fuck!"

From life.
A young woman came to an abortion, undressed and settled in a chair. The doctor, frowning thoughtfully, looked at the vagina and, pointing with his finger, asked a sacramental question:
- What's this?!
Madame looked thoughtfully and said in a calm even tone:
- What's that - a pussy ...
- No, I do not mean this, - and the doctor pointed to the natural vegetation in the pubic area - why not shaved ?!
"Ah, my husband does not allow me ..."
"And where is your husband?"
- Waiting for the door ...
"A minute," said the doctor, and left the office. He returned to his office with a middle-aged man, led him to a chair and, pointing there with his finger, asked:
- What's this?! - What's that - a pussy ...
"No, I mean, why do not you shave her ?!"
"I forbid it ?!" Yes, I do not care!
"And this is not my husband," the patient said.

Vovochka rushes after the lesson along the corridor and almost knocked the headmaster from the feet.
He indignantly grabs him by the shoulder and says:
"Now come back and walk calmly!" And say hello to me as your father greets friends!
Vovochka steps back a few paces, waddling - hands in pockets - approaches the director, slaps him on the back so that he hardly gets his glasses off, and yells all the way:
- Well, great, old x #%! A hundred years you have not seen, e $ #% t your bald skull !!
Not yet dead, n # $% and walrus!
Two friends met.
- Was there an interesting concert yesterday?
"Oh, very much!" They performed Handel's oratorio!
- And what exactly is an oratorio?
"Wait, now I'll explain." Here, for example, if I said
To you: "Janush, give me a gypsy!" - this is not an oratorio yet. But if I tell you: "Janusz, Janusz, oh give me a little gypsy, oh give me, oh give me gypsy, tsigarochku, gygarochku, give me a gypsy girl, give me, give me, give me a cigar - a rank-chinnnuu!" - this is the oratorio!

A conversation of two new Russian: -I will go to study in the consortium for a pianist! -What for! 8-O-Well! Great theater! Great Hall! A lot of people! Everyone's looking at me! And I'm sitting on the stage and the fingers of the wildebeest!
The general in pazvalochky goes along the bridge, looks around with a lazy look and it was necessary, there was a soldier on eyes. The soldier, as usual in the self-made war, wants to jump past him, pretending not to notice the generals.
"Soldier, your mother, what's this?" Why did not they give it away ?!
- According to 147 points, the honor on the bridge is not given!
The general was decaying, kozyryny and spazy home, came, poured out ystav, found a nyzhny pynkt, reads and snaps: |
"A.147 The soldier must be resourceful and bold."
And in the leap-byte 9 bits ...
Love leads to insomnia, and after sex it's good to sleep!
Cigarettes << Cannabis >>. Talk to the Ministry of Health personally.
Large-scale oil industry workers will kill the Russian stage.
If the girl's legs are raised from the ears - then it should look like a cocker spaniel.
Now the main thing is that the country does not lose the presidential election.
Blondes are always a mystery - whether painted, or born a fool ...
New season! Women's swimwear - pop-loess!
The tape recorder << Spring >>! Nothing to do with the spring, nothing to do with a tape recorder!
Tariff "Military" - the first two years for free!
There is no money - do not be sad, you'll run your hand into the treasury!
Unsuccessfully exploded shaheed in paradise await 72 mother-in ...
Man is born for happiness, but we have to work.
A well-educated person, having gone over at a banquet table, always brings a crouch to the toilet ...
You can not be cheerful, sober and smart at the same time.
One movement is na. And two movements are already dad!
Two levels of protection: Nigh and ... and do not ...
One peasant says to another: - My wife got away completely from her hands ... She could not get out of her legs.
Speaker at the medical conference: - No matter how profound the contribution to the science of urologists was, the possibilities of gynecology are truly bottomless!
In honor of the Day of Militia ORT presents today the premiere of the film "Werewolves vs. Predator."
The other day Count Dracula abandoned his title "Prince of Darkness" in favor of George W. Bush.
From life.
The event takes place in the toilet cubicle, at the height of the working day! At the most inopportune moment (when normal people do not think about work, but about the meaning of life), the mobile phone rings. Client! Very important! Call can not be repelled! The answer is a business conversation lasting 4-5 minutes. I talked. The shutdown was ... And then from the next booth: - Well - can you let the water down already?
Evening. A park. Dusk. We sit on the bench. In the neighborhood, embracing, a young couple is sitting. A snake-tempter in the rank of sergeant of the militia approaches them. A young man ... You break ... And what are you to her ... And you are sure that she is of age ... Here you are ... What if ... Come on! The gentleman nods. The lady is standing up, showing a serious belly (the seventh to eighth month, no less). And in silence, the malicious voice of the gentleman, addressed to the cop, is heard: - Well, where did you, asshole, devils wore 8 months ago?
With age, the programmer's stomach and diagonal monitor grow ...
And should, if you believe spam - a member and a bank account!
- What do you do for a living?
- I sell furniture ... Unfortunately, my own ...
- Moses went out and said: see these rivers, these mountains, these seas?
- Yes.
"Good, next."
Finally, the associations of anonymous alcoholics and ugly women came together ...
Everyone likes everything, everyone is happy!
An Estonian boy comes home from school ... and he already has a wife and two children.
- What kind of noise, but there is no fight?
- Preliminary caress for now ...
In the pharmacy.
- No, to buy arsenic, you need a prescription with a seal. One photo of your mother-in-law is not enough.
"But, please, my marriage certificate, with a seal."
- So you two doses?
Sponsor of fights without rules - juices and nectars "Good".
- Stop, in the name of the law - stop!
- In the name of a vegetable - fuck you!
A man in a sex shop:
- Girl, you have a vagina with a vibrator?
- I have, but without a vibrator ...
Let's talk with each other culturally - instead of the phrase: "Yes you went to x!" say: "I am sending you to the source."
"I have a date today, boys!"
"With a rubber doll?"
- No, with this girl!
- Ah! And why did you quarrel with the doll?
Two friends divide the girl:
- I saw her first!
- Are you an obstetrician, or what?
Announcement: "For the filming of nudity, a photographer is required who has experience with a long exposure."
In emigration, in New York, an old Cuban dies. He asks his children to bring him a Cuban flag. Children are unsuccessfully searching for the flag. After a long search lead a prostitute. She undresses, turns her ass: on it - a colored tattoo in the form of a Cuban flag.
The contented old man begins to kiss the flag, then says to the prostitute:
- Turn around - I said goodbye to Cuba, now I want to say goodbye to Fidel!
Talk behind the wall.
"How we kiss aloud!"
- But fucking quiet!
His wife went into the newspaper.
"Listen, Kolya. Here it is written that in African countries a woman can be bought for $ 40, in full possession! It's just incredible!
- Why? the husband answers reasonably. - A good woman can very well cost such money ...
- Girl, you have a postcard "Beloved mother-in-law", with a wish - So you died! But in order to beautifully so, poems ...
Guys - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
At the most crucial moment, they think more about how their tits look.
- Go, my dear, the otkel has appeared ...
That's how affectionately and sent Baba-Yaga good man in a pussy.
The girl makes a guy blowjob. Everything is orderly, measured. The guy threw his head back, enjoys and begins to whistle softly a simple melody ...
After a while, she notices that the girl reacts to the rhythm.
Slightly increases tact, girl accelerates. He begins to whistle a thunder, gradually speeding up the rhythm. The girl is also accelerating. The guy is even faster.
The girl too. The guy is already whistling at the limit of speed capabilities. The head of the girl moves like a shuttle car. The guy is just always whistling, almost breaking into a roar and cums. The girl leans back in exhaustion and often breathes ...
The guy, annoyed:
- To laugh, as lips are tired ...
History, brought from the glorious city of Omsk:
Computer firm. A very rasped buyer is talking with the manager.
Dialogue takes place in the following mode:
-... this, like him, Pentium 5 to be!
- You know, there are no such processors, but we have Pentium 4, and we will definitely deliver it to you.
- And screw it, like it, Vovan said ... (climbs into his pocket, takes out a piece of paper, reads) Oh! Scapular!
- Yes, there are such hard disks, and we will definitely supply it to you.
The discussion continues for some time. Around is going to a bunch of interested.
In the end, the whole configuration is thought out, and the buyer gives out the phrase:
"Well, will it all be skoka?"
- Somewhere a half thousand dollars.
- Cool, at Vovan's on a piece. Current is, I do not need a regular gray body.
I'm better (glancing at the window) ... Oh! This!
Manager (embarrassed):
"This one can not be ..."
Buyer (indignantly):
- Why?!
- It's a vacuum cleaner ...
In the courtroom, a boxer is being judged for beating a woman. Boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, jerky man.
"Well, tell me, defendant, why did you beat a woman?"
"What woman is my mother-in-law!"
"Is not the mother-in-law a woman?" asks the judge.
- Yes, in general, a woman ... - thinks the boxer.
"Tell the court why you beat her."
- Well, it's, I come, it means I'm going home, I'm going on, it's in the kitchen, I'm eating it. Mother-in-law, Zhu-ju-ju, Zhu-ju-ju, and I'm eating em. Mother-in-law is again - zhu-ju-ju, zhu-zhu-zhu - and then she opened ...

Two in bed.
She: You please be with me coastline - I'm even more than a girl.
He: Of course, everything will be as you ask, everything will be fine, I'll take care of you.
P O B E R E G H I S! !! !!
Two in bed.
He: Oh, if I knew that you were still a girl, I would not be in such a hurry.
She: If you were not so in a hurry, I would have time to remove tights.
Unleashed ... I'm screwing with alcohol, and imagine, since the summer did not drink! And then my lip cracked. From a smile, I guess. Painful and hurtful.
I thought of no vitamins and bought a beer. In it, I must say vitamins nemeryano. 2 liters took, why trifle.
Friends! How wonderful it is! And the lip healed. It's not stupid ...
I go with a friend after the New Year party on the street, talking. Then the cops fly out to meet them, slow them down, stop and two cops come out of it, fit. Well, we think, all right now, they'll take you away and farewell to the holiday.
They come up to us and one pulls out sweets from his pocket and holds out with the words:
"Hold it ..."
We take, and our question "For what?" they answer:
"Well, you are expecting some miracle this night!"
At one time, we spent quite a lot of time and effort on the instruction of our child to the pot. We explained why he needed it, and fixed it with a personal example. And when properly used, praised, however, as it turned out, slightly overdone. Now it comes to the point that a child (who started talking very early) praises an adult who comes out of the toilet every time:
- What a fine fellow, well pokakal.
And it would be fine only to the daddy or mum, but after all also visitors sometimes come, and it is necessary to them to come on malnkomu / big, the child here as here. Now we spend a lot of time and effort, that weaning the child from this habit.
Parrot's stuff
About the parrots a lot of nonsense everyone says, like, only a green parrot speaks, only males talk, and stuff. A bird of any color and any gender talks, provided that the abilities and absence of the bird society are available.
Now I have learned to call the phone. He's a real phone that differs in that it only gives one call and waits for it to be. Deceives, however, great. And the previous parrot clapped the front door and rang the keys. I ran into the hallway to see who came - and there was nobody there. And the previous aunt printed a typewriter - everything as it should be with a bell at the end of the line and a transfer of the carriage.
One time my mother came from the summer in the country, the apartment is empty, and in my room someone is typing. She took a frying pan heavier, crept up ... In general, it is clear what happened next. Parrots in retaliation for fear of a little neck did not turn.
Bold in Overcoats
I stand today at the crossroads, the pedestrians are burning red ...
There are not many cars ... Three guys in greatcoats come up to the crossroads, and two of them do not move speed through the roadway (carrying the most impatient people behind them). And one remains, and waits for a green signal. He waits until he passes the dorgu and joins his buddies waiting for him. They meet him:
"You creep under the tank daily, and you are not afraid." And then some bus was frightened!
I went shopping
Once, he worked in the fire department and there was a peasant, ladies' man, who did not see any light, he was under 50 years old. He regularly paid, usually not for the sake of gain, but in order to find someone to have fun with. So:
Krasnodar. Summer. Late evening (around midnight). Goes, call him, Uncle Peter, on the street. Stasov by the hostel. they vote two flip flops (asians). He stops:
- Where are you going?
"It's all over ... Pakatatya ..."
They sat down. They drive to the nearest intersection
- Where we go? Left? Right?
"It's all over ... Pakatatya ..."
Going further until the next intersection
- Where we go? Left? Right?
"It's all over ... Pakatatya ..."
They drive to the crossroads
- Where? Left? Right?
"It's all over ... Pakatatya ..."
And so on until they left the country in the fields ... The Vietnamese were accommodating. Uncle Petya fucked one. lit a cigarette and went back. Entering the city, he stops and says:
- Well, everything, I went, go out ...
They in return
- Nooo, give the money
- For what?!
- Go ### xia - pay, we recorded the number, tomorrow the police will fall.
- How many?
- What do you mean? For this money, I'm in Intourist two you ## y !!!
And Vietnamese, absolutely calm tone:
- E # and the second ...
I have nothing to do ... I paid
- In general, for the morning, Uncle Peter comes to replace and says:
* Glass eye, inserted in the door peephole, will scare away from your apartment any thief.
* Leaving the children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: "Dad and Mom are busy. They clean and lubricate the machine gun."
* When the bandits begin to break open the door, try simultaneously to break it from their side. This will puzzle the intruders.
I graduated from the Economic Academy. year 2000. On the nose of the thesis. And also its no less important problems, and the diploma with all of its mind is pushed into the background.
My sister, Daniella, graduated two years earlier than the Academy of Development and Management.
In short, she could work with such a "verdict" to work almost in our government.
Without thinking for a long time, I asked him to push me to my graduation thesis "Fundamentals of Development and Small Business Problems". I approved it. It remains to talk to her sister, so she looked at her graduation paper, and adjusted the details, and especially the statistics, they have undergone a little change. With the teacher was also lucky. He immediately suggested that we all do not run around with mountains of paper, then bring him graduation diplomas on diskettes, and then he will simply write with a different font color when correcting. But the teacher was from strict. So shalturit would not work.
In short, I'm already almost "finished" my graduate student .... And my sister literally the day before handed over a floppy disk, I honestly read my diploma, in order to know what I'm so clever about writing there. In short, I read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read a lot, read well, thoughtfully ..... read ....... I read ..... I read.
I stopped reading. On the next day I give the teacher (P). In a day he returns to me and is interested.
P - and tell me what literature you use?
I- (I read, I have the concept) -la-la-la, blah-blah-blah, la-la-la (shorter answered)
Q. And where did you get the statistics from?
I'm a "Static Weekly", etc.
P - and how do you write your diploma in general?
I thought the questions were already weird and I ask immediately in response to the type, -And what exactly is it?
P - Well, like you see yourself, I marked everything there.
In short I resort to the computer. I read, read, read ... I see its inserts, I read, I read, I see the edits ... it's shorter by the speed, because I did not particularly drag out this and get on the ending of the thesis. And there font 72 is written by the sister Yulik, I do not have any more data, because I do not know what you need to write.
Needless to say, it was a "bomb". But I defended the thesis.

Citizens of Ukraine!
What would your face not look like Yushchenko, do not smoke when you're pissing Russian gas!

The peasant decided to remove the girl - and the agency says that today everyone is busy, there is only Vasya. The peasant was indignant at first, he left, but then he came back - it was very lucky. He speaks:
- Let's Vasya, nowhere to go ...
Asked to wait on the street - now, they say, come ...
A limousine arrives 18 meters long, a cool, hectic guy comes out, surrounded by a crowd of guards, talking first with Putin about Putin, then with Berezovsky, then with Osama bin Laden ...
The guy runs back to the office and is interested:
- Vasya something in the courses, who - whom ?!

Ksusha Sobchak complains to the lieutenant Rzhevsky that her enemies compare her face with a horse's muzzle. "This is a blatant lie!" cried the lieutenant indignantly. "It's not a bit like a horse, it's a noble animal and its muzzle is beautiful and I would even say, inspired."

The papa-bear wakes up in the morning, approaches to the cup and growls threateningly:
"Who ate from my cup ?!"
A bear cub runs to his bowl and menacingly:
- And who ate from my cup !?
Mom-bear, standing at the stove:
"Oh, how you fucked me!" Yes, I did not cook yet !!!

The cat, when crossing the road, lost 5 of 9 lives and was saved two times ...

Izzy comes to Israel and first goes to a brothel.
"For me, please, Sarah."
To him answer:
"Sara's busy."
- I'll wait.
An hour later, Sarah was free, pokuvyrkalsya with Izya an hour, Izya gets 200 dollars and gives Sarah.
Sara was pleasantly surprised:
- Why so much, my God?
But she took the money. The next day Izya comes again, and the whole story repeats itself. On the third day, too, after the bed, Sarah again:
- Why so much, my God?
- That you, that you, everything is all right, this is your aunt from Odessa asked to give you $ 600.

- The Chinese government decided not to put more photos on the passport.
- Why?
- What for?

The guy is riding his "nine". Ahead of the "Mears", of those that are sporting, but "ladies' cut", fresh, expensive, it is understandable. Not the essence of why, but the man of his "nine" gets the stern of "Mers". He stopped, "Merc", too. From the "Mers" comes "packed" "Telka." The peasant does not hurry to repent.
"Well, what shall we do?"
The peasant shrugs his shoulders.
- I'll call my husband right now (getting the mobile).
A man is a zero emotion.
Telka dials the number, standing right next to the man, and when the call is answered, the man hears both sides of the conversation - the volume on the telly mobile is so much set, and so close is it. Dialogue by phone:
- I got into an accident!
Pause, then answer:
"What kind of car does he have?"
Heifer, standing a meter from the nine, and apparently not distinguishing it from KamAZ, turns to the peasant and asks:
- What is your car?
The peasant "pierces":
- "YAGUAR" !!!
Heifer in the pipe:
"He has the Jaguar!"
Pause, longer than the first, then answer:
"Ask, does he have any complaints for you?"
Telka rebroads the question to the peasant.
He, having sustained a pause, almost with a pronounced nobility, answers negatively.
Heifer, into the pipe:
"He has no complaints!"
From there:

The blanket fled, the sheet flew away, it would be released as soon as possible until Mother came!

Recently the skinhead Ivan in the park Orlyonok met Mike Tyson and, unfortunately, did not recognize him.

There is a lecture on the dangers of alcohol.
- There are many cases known, - the lecturer says - when the wife leaves her husband who drinks ... A voice from the audience: - And how much should you drink for this?

A man dreams:
"I'm on the ship." The ship is big, white, the pipes are smoking.
Suddenly, flow! I caulk it, I plug it up, I plug it up, I stop it, I wake up - half a blanket in the ass!

- Well, how are you doing with Vasya?
- It's normal: we quarrel only because of trifles. I want to be at a wedding in a veil adorned with a steel chain, and he does not want to get married at all.
A woman comes to the tourist bureau:
"I'd like to rest somewhere."
- Hawaii. The sun, the air is fresh. 500 dollars.
"No, it's expensive, something simpler."
- Golden Sands. Cool entertainment. 150 dollars.
- Expensive ...
"Well, Lake Naroch." The same air, the same water, only with us. 30 dollars.
- Expensive...
- Walking with elements of sex. Is free!
- Suitable!
- Well, go on ...!

Testament: "And my brother John is bequeath my secretary ..."

The secretary was fired. She caustically expresses her contempt for the former chief:
- Yes, I'm with my two universities (shows on my chest), a broad outlook (pats myself on the back) and a narrow specialization (runs my hand along the waist) everywhere I'll find a job! And you, in your gentle character (shows him a bent finger) - with anyone you will not work!

"Tell me, does Dr. Berger live here?" You know, so small, fat, with a bald spot.
- Third floor to the right. He lives, of course, not in this house, but on the contrary.
Is he a doctor, I do not know. But listen, how can you say that he is small and fat, I would rather say that he is rather thin.
Berger does not call him either. Yes, wait ... his name is Mandelstam. His name is! Three weeks ago he, poor fellow, died. I truly feel sorry for you.

Местный и приезжий евреи стоят у могильной плиты с надписью "Неизвестному еврейскому солдату". Приезжий сокрушается:
- Никак нельзя узнать, кто здесь лежит?
- Почему нельзя? Все знают, что здесь лежит Хаим Рабинович.
- Так причем здесь неизвестный солдат?!
- Точно неизвестно, был ли Хаим Рабинович солдатом.

Когда Рабиновича берут в армию, он говорит, что он хотел бы служить во флоте.
- А плавать вы умеете?
- Плавать? Мне это нравится! У вас что, кораблей нет?