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Classification of women: the male version.

fatty slimming
A common type of plump and not very good, and who imagine themselves to be girls and women. Mania weight loss begins with them, usually in the middle of a hearty lunch or a break between 5th and 6th posted in the mouth pastries and torturing them to the nearest attack of hunger. During mania << >> fatty runs through the familiar in search of the correct tools and grief can even go on a diet. Fortunately, these delusions are short and to the serious consequences, such as precious weight loss, do not usually lead. Touchy pristavuchaya Typically, virgin, with all my heart tends to give herself to her husband and the husband only. However, during this highly moral aspirations it is visited by more earthly feelings, in particular a desire to communicate with the opposite sex. Here it beware! She behaves like a bad woman, build your eyes, distribute advances to wink, but as soon as you began to play all over hormones. Touchy let the tears, to say that all men are males and let the search for a new victim.

Witch principle
Asthenic physique, in an elegant suit and glasses often. (However, the broom she would have liked more.) No mortal pimple does not dare even to approach it. Because the nearest workshop (training, symposium) it is necessary to master the incredibly clever book (of the same Linnaeus), or it is currently occupied by scientific experiments prepares cockroaches pouring sulfuric acid on bamboo shoots and so on. D., And so on. N. So all the boys, including even the most loyal fans of the natural sciences, are sent to look for a less busy girlfriends. A witch, before the age of one hundred years alone, peacefully dying during the next conference.

nuns exhausted
The fan of Thomas Aquinas, Kant, Zarathustra, Don Juan. In 3 years and 9 months, she realized that this life is not developed, and is now actively preparing themselves for a better life. No meat, guys, television. It feeds the holy water and << >> Herbalife. Such lifestyle leads to the fact that even the neighbors and close relatives begin to shy away from such an ethereal creation, unable to endure the tedious philosophizing about the meaning of life and long quotations from the Bible.

krasotulya tearful
On the face of the girl as a girl, but try to tell her a word across and you will immediately know what a painful reflection. On any occasion shed liters of tears. Going on a date with her, be sure to put in his pockets for a handkerchief. Any more or less an event (death of a loved Spider on, suspicious glance, flooding in Burundi) does not leave her indifferent. It is suitable for the development of deposits of salt, but for a long chat with a similar krasotulya spoil your nerves permanently.

hen clucked
Coming to her home to catch the hostess in the kitchen. Immediately in front of you a dozen dishes. While you eat, you are a hen sweep dust and throw in the trash. Do not forget anything: the next day it will be cleaned, laundered, ironed whether it's a scarf, gloves, a research report. At night, her guilty conscience, because she did not have time to do all the house things. Word of cheap, reliable, practical thing at home. The weak point of intelligence, just listen to my mom and Simons. In the theater, the museum and it is not necessary to drive only socks, pots, shvabrochki.

Dlinnonozhka korotkoyubaya
Being female, having a presence in two of the body's ears and feet (the second rise from the first end and shoes on abnormally high heels). Other parts of the body have dlinnonozhki either absent or occupy such a small area that does not attract any attention. This girl usually brightly painted and seeking to emphasize the dignity of favorite organs (see. Above) hangs on the first huge earrings, and the upper parts Second Part covers the subject, who proudly called the skirt, but on closer inspection turns out to be only a strap from the latter. Mostly dlinnonozhki harmless, especially if you do not pay attention to the lack of such vital subjects as the brain and the hand.

An activist working
Do not look at its small stature! It can cope with the horse, and with a burning hut, and with you at the same time. Not a second of rest: jigsaw for sawing plastic, knitting scarf of barbed wire, mining tartar from mammoth ivory, and sweet closing ceremony of her body loopholes. And do not try to get away! Work, work, work hard! Always at the forefront, and under his arm favorite guy.

fastidious fastidious
Favorite phrases it: << Phi is not aesthetically pleasing, and << >> Not to the table will be discussed >>!. And in fact, this girl has an unusually thin mental organization: it stirs up the smell of cigarettes, reeling at the sight of a three-day stubble, and only saw the (smell) your freshly laundered only a week ago, socks, fastidious promptly faints. Before a date with her take a bath with a weak solution of potassium permanganate, treat your belongings bleach and even think forget about coughing and sneezing (beam above all, of course, do not breathe at all and suddenly you have bad breath?).

inconsolable widow
Widowhood for this women's social status, but rather a state of mind. Mourning dress is her more than any other dresses, funeral music causes a surge of fanaticism. However, despite such Preference plants are beyond the grave, widow being energetic and outgoing (enthusiastically seeking rank husband cheerfully drags him to the registrar, with passion brings to the grave). Several annoying widow in that each subsequent her husband obviously worse than the previous. In his hobbies widow achieve true professionalism masterful fight frying pan, expertly salted mushrooms. Although ... No woman would have so faithfully honored after death, and in the end you have a husband, say, the ninth, when compared with her husband twenty-eighth, will look just angel.

Reketirsha insatiable
You do not have the bag of money? Fie, kid, it's not for you. Request it not small: vacation in the Canary Islands, a new coat of mink on every winter, restaurants, flowers, and other vital stuff like diamond necklaces and rings with personal inscriptions. Skill reketirshi knows no bounds, you will never earn as much as she did not have time to spend. So, if you value your health and well-being, I stumbled on such reketirshu, safely send it ... to the Canary Islands. But God forbid you to buy her a return ticket!

Mechtunya Broken
As a child, I have been reading books about red sails, spaceships, black << >> Mercedes and other prestige gizmos. So now it's all in a great future. Waiting for the prince. If not << >> Ferrari Turbo, so at least on a white stallion. As unromantic mechtunya this is not interested, then it is necessary for the eye so the eye. Burnt scrambled eggs, shattered the lamp it's flowers. For marriage suited men with a strong paternal instinct and solid margin nerves and plaster who but mechtunya needs constant wiping tears and heal emotional wounds from the clash with the harsh truth of life. For what it is, though, you child will respond devotion.
SAGA blowjob.
This blow job is not to be confused with the concept of conventional wisdom "to take by mouth." Common between them as much as between the mule and Arabian horses. Not all women (nor all men) know that the men there are at least two types of orgasm. The first is easy to describe: it comes as a result of masturbation. The second sense is not given to everyone. The first violin plays a woman here. Briefly explain the difference.
Trite "finish" can be anyone strong enough to irritate the nerve the Finishing anija. The second is much more difficult, it affects his majesty subconscious. To the woman received unlimited power over a man's being, it needs to break his line of defense on a subconscious level. Turn him out of the cave male "stuck-took-ran" in a loving man admiring a woman. By the way, it is a guarantee of fidelity.
Let's start in order ... Oral beginning of all beginnings, the first step to understanding the partner's soul.

Girls, do not make the first blow where and how horrible. Nothing serious is not going to end, for incorrectly made blowjob man regards as a fun form of masturbation.
Create a relaxed, cozy atmosphere, background music, choose Drop itelno themselves. Ultimately, your goal is to take possession of a man is not physically and not for a short time. A well-designed furnishings man relaxes, opening a crack in his deliberately dull, relentless defense. Take advantage of this, you should have enough time.

What to think smart woman during a blowjob?
1. of a man
2. The hours of his county
3. about yourself? The correct answer itself. Do not try to please men: he sees it, and your pedestal crumbles to pieces with catastrophic speed. Member during a blowjob INDEPENDENTLY living creature despot male consciousness. It was he who stands between you and a man. Cheat it can not, it's insidious creation instantly inform his master of your hypocrisy. Know this. Member is able to quickly stop your pathetic attempts izvergnuv a quick seed, and thereby push the iron curtain between you and your partner's subconscious. This is not your goal. Forget about his host, keep the dialogue about this way: << Let me go into the soul of thy Lord: I am worthy of this, I am a woman, I love you as well as your Lord. See what fun you gives me, you make me a woman! >> This is not a joke, remember that to hold it you will not succeed. Do not allow to interfere with your dialogue man's hands: they also seek to protect essence of man, knock you with a thought. Learn to feel the most imperceptible flutter this dialogue Words clue what to do and what not to do. Do not look questioningly into the eyes of the partner until the end of the act: it humiliates you. Skim fascinated gaze.
You are a woman. Queen. Mistress. Vpeytes eyes wild female partner in his eyes at that moment, when it will have an orgasm, do not look away until then, until he collapses exhausted. THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN breaches.
Only now, you get the power of the subconscious mind. Only now you will be amazed to watch the boy's eyes, who has known the unknown. A woman a man is not able to forget or offend. Equipment:
Universal technology NO reading the above, you (maybe last) will understand that the literature often stated incredible nonsense scheko chuschaya imagination of people that are very far from the truth. Bottom line:
If you are lucky and you have achieved what they wanted, never use it, remember that Lady Luck give you SOUL men. Do not trample it:
the consequences would be bloody and disastrous.
Ovechkin and Baranova
We have been at the University for the teacher names, Ovechkin. And all the students very much tore the exams. And so he was not loved. And his wife's name was Baranova. So, the students chipped in and discharged him "Sheep" magazine
Stand with synchro
We had a teacher at the Kiev Polytechnic Institute - Victor S. Podlipensky, known by the nickname "Santa Magnet". He was a professor in everything that concerned the basics of electrical engineering of the last century, and that he has successfully taught all these 50 years. The students were afraid of him and did not like - sorry to depart from the institute because of the subject, where it comes to amplifiers on coal pillars, while all have moved already on the chip. And trying to somehow get out, but Santa did not give reasons Magnet - all his impulses to cheat, he caught at the moment. Bad moment in his teaching method was renting labs. He in this regard has been developed a whole system of assessments, and the man who in this system is not scored some points, before the examination is not allowed. But no such thing as "tails" we did not have - or has passed or not passed.
A "did not pass" - a direct route to the Soviet Army. But there was at Santa Magnet excuse - assistance in upgrading laboratory equipment, ie, a student who has made a new laboratory bench, got "indulgence" and the blessing of Father personally. Use excuse able to very few people, because the object itself caused the students' aversion abruptly than zhaboobrazny cockroach as a mouse in the average urban women. And to do something, and that it has worked ?!
But there have been cases. One of them went into the annals of the CRPD, and that the most offensive, to see this stand is no longer possible (say, his grandfather Magnet burned particularly heinous ritualistic manner). It was a stand with synchro. Selsyn - such a device, roughly speaking, the transmission angle of rotation on the wire due to the magnetic properties of the windings, which are inserted in their cores, and consists of two large knobs. By turning one of them should be the second turn at exactly the same angle - for measurement accuracy on the arms smeared with a special scale. A group of students as indulgences sbotsala similar device and brought to the exam. Santa gladly switched device somewhat obfuscated iron box to the network in terrible dimensions, and there was a distinctive rumble.
- Power - 60 watts - said one of the students. Grandfather nodded happily, but noted with concern:
- Is not it a lot?
Students with a smile said:
- Nothing. Do not burn. Selsyn worked just super: by turning one knob came second in motion, and wait a little, turned exactly the same angle. Students received "five", and a year later left the Institute. A year later, when the "synchro" labs have passed already about 150 students, "synchro" stopped working.
The grandfather said:
- Probably, contact departed - and took a screwdriver, for the first time took a healthy iron casing. Under the hood it has opened an interesting picture. It turned out that the synchro handle on long pulleys have been inserted in the well-oiled bearings, and were connected to each other with a rope and a spring rezinochkoy, because of which "Resolver" produced such uneven, but always precise movements. A wire "power" through a transformer supplying power to the electromagnet, which pulled out a small shurupchik, mounted on a spring in the core of one of the "selsyns", thus removing from it "lock" to "synchro" might "work." Santa Magnet was shocked. Since then, he always wary of the stands, the students give up ...
The first, or not?
I was once in the same office and observed the following story.
Woman secretary dopekat manager:
- Sasha, admit it, you're my wife was the first?
He was silent.
- So the first or not?
He was silent.
- Sasha, well, say, the first or the first?
Here comes another manager, who had heard only the last sentence, and I think that the conversation about the customer, and says:
- The first - not the first, God forbid, not the last.
Sasha offended ...
What do you buy a penny?
One of our classmate Mikhailovich, characterized by originality and wonder what women like. One day, during a break between lectures at the Institute of the porch, where all the students went out to smoke, he found somewhere a penny, and began to question all that he had to do with it. Someone told him that kind of money and the donut hole can not be bought. As if on purpose, not far away stood a young saleswoman sweets. In its assortment there were bagels. Mihalich without hesitation went to her, held out a penny and demanded:
- Girl, sell the hole!
To this she replied, blushing a little question:
- What?
Universal laughter interrupted a development ...
Are you here now?
We at the III was aware of the subject - the structure of matter. he need chemists as cow eggs so treated him pretty cool. Most still managed to pass a test for free, but some gifted unlucky. For example, I studied two companions, one of whom gave him seven times, and the second - 11 (eleven). When they passed the seventh once, it was already session and rite took place in the lab at the teacher. The first was opidorashen pretty quickly, I went into the hall and waited for his partner. Suddenly the teacher leaves the room, sees the poor man and says:
- Are you here now? Perfectly! Let's record book! - Puts credit and explains:
- You see, there is your friend brings you compared to him just Lomonosov!
River, forest, tent
A relative of mine to the north of the city of Serov and served in their part of the story from generation to generation passed. Part 1. Flew somehow An-2 (like - to a higher authority - read for vodka). Near - miles across the tundra over 100. More than once the crew had already traveled on this route, the way he knew well, did not need a map - and not taken. And two more features: An-2 was razvalyushny apparently only for flights of vodka at PMU and used. Generally altimeters on it did not work for life, the presence of radio history is silent. The second feature - it was in the autumn, before the snow. The weather is changeable ... In general there flew without problems. Flew back at a strong wind from the opposite (a significant detail - the wind picked up after take-off).
Clouds some appeared - had to climb higher.
By the time like it's time to fly - we fell, came under cloudy, fly, and the diva given - spawn of the landscape in these places was not - not a small river, and along the banks - _les_ (Tundra actually should have been) (!). Снизили скорость почти до посадочной, летят вдоль реки (благо попутно) и сориентироваться пытаются. Вдруг видят - на берегу реки палатка стоит. Красивая такая - оранжевая, шатром... Решили снизиться - разглядеть получше.
Часть 2. Выбрались из-под перевернувшегося самолета - ходят вокруг - ничего понять не могут. Стали бродить вокруг - ручей течет, карликовый лес растет и огромный (бывают они такие на севере, сам видел) подосиновик на берегу.
Оранжевый такой, шатром... А впереди по ходу, метрах в 300, знакомый такой заборчик из колючки, тот самый, что вокруг летного поля...
Неприступная англичанка
У нас на курсе учился один парень, звать Леха - зачем-то перевелся к нам, математикам, с физфака, причем с понижением на два курса. А поскольку он еще и успел в армии отслужить, до того как студентов забирать перестали - был он нас, соответственно, старше на все четыре. И вот как-то он является на какую-то лекцию (что вообще-то с ним случалось чрезвычайно редко) и рассказывает, давясь от смеха, что с ним вчера произошло. Собрались, значит, Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения... Нет, сначала два слова о Леночке. В середине семестра наша старая англичанка, Заслуженная Грымза СССР, ушла на пенсию и вместо нее нам пришла вести занятие юная блондинка, только-только закончившая Иняз. На вид ей нельзя было дать и 18-ти, хотя она явно должна была быть старше нас на несколько лет - в общем, никакой дисциплины ей наладить не удалось, народ вообще перестал ходить на английский (за исключением нескольких ребят, которые напрасно мечтали завести с Леночкой более близкое знакомство). Так вот, собрались Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения. В том числе и вышеупомянутая Леночка. Народ ее начинает расспрашивать - как, мол, дела, учительница-мучительница? Она отвечает: мол, плохи дела, студенты на занятия не ходят, а наш Лешенька - вы ведь знаете, что он все еще учится? - так вот, он у меня в группе, и он вообще за весь семестр ни разу не появился! И тут с некоторым опозданием заявляется Леха.
- Ну, что, вечный студет, как учеба? - начинают над ним подтрунивать одноклассники, которые все уже закончили институт.
- Да ничего, зачеты сдаю, - отвечает Леха.
- И много ли сдал?
- Все, кроме английского.
- А что ж так?
- Да я на нем ни разу не был, так что даже и не знаю, как быть.
- А кто ведет-то у вас?
- Да какая-то Леночка. Говорят, молоденькая и симпатишная.
Народ начинает давиться от сдерживаемого хохота. Леночка краснеет.
- Ну, дык попробуй подкатиться к ней, ты у нас парень видный, - советуют "добрые" одноклассники: дело в том, что Леха еще в школе пытался завести шашни с той самой Леночкой, но увы и фиг вам.
- Да у нас парни пытались к ней подкатиться, да, говорят, она всех отшила, гордая такая, - произносит Леха, и в этот момент все присутствующие просто падают на пол, не в силах больше сдерживать смех. А красная, как рак, Леночка произносит язвительно:
- Ладно уж, Лешенька, так и быть, поставлю я тебе зачет!

Данила и стиральная машина
Работал я в одном южном городе на военном заводе. Был на заводе прекрасный малярный участок. Как на любом заводе, у нас был транспортный цех, грузчики и т. п. Предприятие маленькое, все друг друга знают. Приятельствовал я с водителем одним, дядей Ваней звали, он мне в отцы годился.
Отношения добрые. И был среди грузчиков у нас совершенный такой "даун". Ни бэ, ни мэ, но метра 2 с лишним. Как звали не помню, но кликали Данилой. Надо сказать, что дядя Ваня жил в собственном доме. Как-то один сосед попросил дядю Ваню нашего покрасить у нас на заводе стиральную машинку.
Круглая такая. Старая, облезлая. Дядя Ваня ее на завод привез, бабушки постарались, выкрасили молотковой эмалью, высушили - красота, сверкает как новая. Ну, попросил дядя Ваня меня помочь до дому довезти. Работал он на бортовом ЗИЛ-130. Я залез в кузов, аккуратно принял машинку, положил бережно, на дно кузова на брезент, и чтобы не поцарапалась (блестит на солнце), завернул в тот же брезент. Сел рядом придерживать на ходу. Дядя Ваня берет этого Данилу. Тот счастлив, что с работы свалил, хоть куда. Приезжаем. Машина останавливается, дядя Ваня выходит, открывает калитку во двор и сам идет к следующей. В это время я передаю с максимальными предосторожностями машинку Даниле. Он кладет ее себе на плечи за голову и идет за дядей Ваней. Дядя Ваня краем глаза увидев, что Данила за ним поплелся, поворачивается к нему. Данила предвосхищая ответ дяди Вани, спрашивает: куда ее? (машинка на плечах!). Дядя Ваня небрежно махнув рукой и отворачиваясь:
- Да, закинь ее воон в тот двор.
Тут же руки Данилы, как пружины разгибаются, машинка (сверкающая, переливающаяся на солнце новой краской), летит через забор высотой примерно 1,80, и со скрежетом падает где-то на грядках во дворе соседа. Все происходит в доли секунды. Немая сцена: дядя Ваня поворачивается на шелест летящей через забор стиральной машины; я стоя в кузове надрываю живот в беззвучном смехе (чето в глотке заклинило, челюсти сводит); прохожие, ничего не видевшие крутят пальцем у виска; Данила стоит с тупой ухмылкой на лице, улыбаясь от сознания выполненного долга! Дядя Ваня соображает, и не верит своим глазам. Через минуту крик, мат в три этажа. Пара минут, и некоторое затишье. Пошли в огород посмотреть, что с машинкой. Вытащили с грядок из грязи, посмотрели, и у меня опять челюсти свело. Слезы из глаз... Ободрана, низ квадратный. Пинали ногами минут пять, что-бы круглую форму придать. Добились мятого эдакого подобия эллипса. Дядя Ваня бросил ее в сердцах, порываясь Данилке нашему неразумному в нос заехать. Плюнул, и мы поехали обратно, в кабине. До работы все 20 минут езды ор, мат, чуть не рукоприкладство. That's the story. Немножко грустная для дяди вани. Ведь он вперед магарыч пузырьком взял. Я, конечно, получил массу положительных эмоций...
Где была?
Был у одной девушки любовник. Эта девушка его периодически посещала, а он затем довозил ее на мотоцикле за остановку до дому. Затем она садилась на троллейбус и доезжала до дому - конспирация. И вот однажды возвращается она домой поддатая, а муж ее спрашивает: - Где была? Жена: - На работе...
- Нет, я спрашиваю - ты где была?
- На работе, ну, подумаешь, чуть выпила - у подруги день рождения был...
- Врешь. Ты на чем домой приехала?
- На троллейбусе.
- А почему тогда в каске?!..
Подругам она потом рассказывала, что люди в троллейбусе на нее как-то странно смотрели, а она думала, что у нее юбка слишком короткая и всю дорогу ее поправляла.

Был у нас водитель, он же плотник, он же столяр, он же сантехник и т. д. И вот однажды закупили мы пару новых кресел, идентичных уже имеющимся. Он взялся за их сборку.
Но возникли какие-то вопросы, для решения коих он решил посмотреть, каким образом это делалось на уже собранном кресле. На кресле в этот момент сидела Юля. И предложила для удобства осмотра свою помощь, а именно: встать и отойти от кресла. На помощь водитель не согласился, попросил не беспокоиться и, встав на колени, изящно изогнул свой корпус и голова его, блещущая благородной сединой (да, он был немолод), оказалась под сиденьем Юлиного кресла. Несколько минут он там задумчиво пыхтел, а потом выдал результат осмотра:
- Я что-то не пойму: дырки две, а штырь один...
Юля мужественно перенесла это открытие. Но объяснять ничего не стала. All.
Ядра - чистый изумруд
Гостил у своих друзей в Торонто, и пошли мы в какой-то китайский ресторанчик. Покушали, и в конце нам принесли десерт - орешки. А что-то речь зашла о Пушкине, то да се, я беру орешек с блюдца и цитирую незабвенное: "Ядра - чистый изумруд". На меня тут же вылупляются две пары глаз:
- Ты - какой изумруд?
Ездил я на 4 дня в Москву. Если бы вы знали, как достают эти российско-украинские таможни. Приехал я с одним дипломатом в руках, чем и вызывал подозрение у всех таможенных служб. В дипломате как и положено - зонтик, зубная щетка, бритва и инструменты для обжима сетевых проводов. Если кто не знает - это такие клещи со специальными зажимами и ножами очень внушительного вида. Каждая из 4-х (!) таможен считала своим долгом перевернуть дипломат дном наизнанку, ткнуть пальцем в клещи и спросить: - Что ЭТО?!
Первые два раза я был предельно честен, обьяснив не только предназначение странного предмета, но и принцип действия. На третьей по счету таможне я не выдержал, сказав "ЭТО - новейший в стоматологии инструмент, предназначенный для удаления зубов без наркоза". К моему величайшему удивлению, это прошло не хуже первых двух ответов и даже вызвало бурю одобрительных эмоций. Сам еле сдержался от смеха, пытаясь мысленно представить "безболезненное" удаление зуба этим предметом.