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Classification of women: a male variant.

Lanky weight losing weight
A common type of plump and not very, as well as imagining themselves as girls and women. The slimming mania begins at them, as a rule, in the middle of a hearty meal or during a break between the 5th and 6th cakes sent to the mouth and tortures them to the nearest attack of hunger. In the period of mania, "fatty" runs around the familiar in search of the right means and with grief can even go on a diet. Fortunately, these manias are short and to heavy consequences, like loss of precious weight, usually do not lead. Impossible pristavuchaya As a rule, a virgin who with all her heart aspires to give herself to her husband and only to her husband. However, in the process of this highly moral desire, more earthly feelings visit her, in particular the desire to communicate with the opposite sex. Here beware! She will behave like a bad woman, build your eyes, give out advances, wink, but as soon as your hormones play, it's all over. Impatient let down a tear, say that all male males and will start to look for a new victim.

Witch Principal
Asthenic physique, in an elegant suit and more often in glasses. (However, the broom would have approached it much more.) No mortal pimple dare even approach her. Because to the nearest seminar (training, symposium) she needs to master an incredibly clever book (the same Linnaeus), or she is currently engaged in scientific experiments, prepares cockroaches, pours sulfuric acid onto bamboo shoots, etc., etc. So all the guys, including even the most loyal fans of the natural sciences, go to look for less busy girlfriends. A witch, having lived to a hundred years alone, peacefully dies during a regular scientific conference.

Monashenka depleted
A fan of Thomas Aquinas, Kant, Zarathustra, Don Juan. In 3 years and 9 months she realized that this life did not work out, and now she is actively preparing herself for a better life. No meat, guys, television. It feeds on holy water and "Herbalife". This way of life leads to the fact that even neighbors and close relatives begin to shy away from such a disembodied creature, unable to withstand the tedious philosophizing about the meaning of being and long quotations from the Bible.

Krasotulia Tearful
Looks like a girl as a girl, but try to tell her at least one word across and you will immediately find out what a painful reflection is. For any reason sheds a liter of tears. When going on a date with her, be sure to put a handkerchief in all your pockets. Any minor event (the death of a loved spider, a suspicious look, a flood in Burundi) does not leave her indifferent. It is quite suitable for the development of salt deposits, however, long communication with such beauty will spoil your nerves irrevocably.

Crowd head cackling
Coming to her house, you find the mistress in the kitchen. Immediately before you a dozen dishes. While you eat, the hen will sweep away dust and throw you into the trash. Do not forget: the next day it will be cleaned, washed, ironed, be it a handkerchief, gloves, a scientific report. At night, she is tormented by conscience, because she did not have time to do all the housework. A word is a cheap, reliable, practical item at home. A weak place is the intellect, only my mother and Ivanushka listen. To the theater, its museum and to drive it is not necessary only socks, saucepans, squirts.

Long-legged short-legged
A female creature that has two parts of the body, ears and legs (the latter grow from the first and end with shoes on an abnormally high heel). Other parts of the body in long-legged either absent or occupy such a small area that they do not attract any attention. Such a girl usually brightly colored and, trying to emphasize the dignity of her favorite organs (see above), hangs on the first huge earrings, and the top part of the second covers the subject, which is proudly called a skirt, but on closer examination it is only a strap from the latter. Most long-legged are harmless, especially if you do not pay attention to the lack of such vital items as the brain and hands.

Activist working
Do not look at her small height! Can handle both the horse and the burning hut, and with you at the same time. Not a second of rest: sawing with a jigsaw on plastic, tying a scarf from a barbed wire, extracting tartar from a mammoth's tusk, and for a sweet solemn closing with his body embrasures. And do not try to slip away! Work, work, work! Always in the forefront, and under the mouse favorite guy.

Priverada squeamish
Her favorite phrases: << Fi, how not aesthetically! >> and << Not to the table will be said >>. And in fact, this girl has an extremely thin mental organization: she is troubled by the smell of cigarettes, reeling at the sight of a three-day stubble, and having seen (nyukahav) your freshly washed socks just a week ago, the feline immediately faints. Before a date with her, take a bath with a weak solution of potassium permanganate, treat your stuff with bleach and even think about forgetting about coughing and sneezing (most of all, of course, do not breathe at all and suddenly you have an unpleasant smell from the mouth?).

Widow inconsolable
Widowhood for this woman is not a social status, but rather a state of mind. Mourning dress goes to her more than other outfits, funeral music causes a surge of fanaticism. However, despite such afterlife preferences, the widow is a vigorous and outgoing person (he enthusiastically searches for a man's rank, briskly drags him into the registrar's office, and brings him to the grave with enthusiasm). Somewhat annoying in the widow is that each successive her husband is certainly worse than the previous one. In their hobby the widows achieve true professionalism skillfully fought with a frying pan, masterfully mushroom mushrooms. Although ... No woman will not honor you so holy after death, and in the end you are a husband, say, the ninth, compared with the husband twenty-eighth, will look just an angel.

The racketeer insatiable
You do not have a bag of money? Fi, boy, it's not for you. Her requests are not small: a holiday in the Canary Islands, a new mink coat for every winter, restaurants, flowers and other vital things like diamond necklaces and rings with inscriptions. The racketeer's skill knows no bounds, you will never earn as much as she would not have had time to spend. So, if you value your health and well-being, after stumbling upon such a racketeer, boldly send it ... to the Canaries. But God forbid you buy her a return ticket!

Dreamless dream
In my childhood, I read books about scarlet sails, spaceships, black Mercedes and other prestigious contraptions. So now it's all in a great future. Waiting for the prince. If not on the "Ferrari-Turbo", so at least on a white stallion. Since unromantic real dreaming is not interested, then it needs an eye and an eye. Burnt eggs, shattered a broken lamp is still a flower. For a marriage suitable for men with a highly developed paternal instinct and a solid supply of nerves and plaster who, like not dreaming, needs constant wiping of tears and healing the wounds of the soul from the clash with the harsh truth of life. For which she, truth, will answer you as a daughter devotion.
This blowjob should not be confused with the popular notion of "take in your mouth." The total between them is exactly as much as between the mule and the Arabian steed. Not all women (and not all men) know that a man has at least two types of orgasm. The first is easy to describe: it comes as a result of masturbation. The second is not for everyone. The first violin is played by a woman. Briefly explain the difference.
It's banal to "finish off" anyone, irritating nervous endings quite strongly. The second is much more complicated, it affects his Majesty the Subconscious. To a woman has unlimited power over a male being, she needs to break through his defense line at a subconscious level. Turn it from a cave male "stuck-took-out-ran" into a loving man, admired by a woman. By the way, this is the guarantee of matrimonial fidelity.
Let's start in order ... Blowjob the beginning of all beginnings, the first step to understanding the partner's soul.

Girls, do not do First blowjob where and how horrible. This is not going to end any serious, for a man who incorrectly made a blowjob regards it as an amusing form of masturbation.
Create a calm, cozy atmosphere, music on the background choose yourself. Ultimately, your goal is to take a man not physically and not for a short time. Properly thought out environment relaxes a man, opening a crack in his obviously deaf, ruthless defense. Take advantage of this, you should have enough time.

What should a smart woman think during a blowjob?
1. about a man
2. About his membership
3. About me? The correct answer is about yourself. Do not try to please a man: he sees it, and your pedestal crumbles to pieces with catastrophic speed. A member during a blowjob A self-living being, a despot of male consciousness. It is he who stands between you and the man. It is impossible to deceive him, this insidious creature will instantly tell his master about your hypocrisy. Know this. A member is able to quickly stop your miserable attempts, spewing out a quick seed, and thereby pushed the iron curtain between you and your partner's subconscious. This is not your goal. Forget about its owner, conduct a dialogue in approximately this way: << Let me into the soul of your Master: I am worthy of it, I am a Woman, I love you as well as your Lord. Look, what pleasure do you give me, you make me a WOMAN! >> This is not a joke, remember that you will not be able to hold it. Do not allow to interfere in your dialogue with men's hands: they, too, seek to protect the Essence of a man, knock you off your mind. Learn to feel the most inconspicuous trepidation. These are the words of the dialogue, a clue what to do and what not to do. Do not look inquiringly into the partner's eyes until the very end of the act: this humiliates you. Slip an enchanted look.
You are a woman. Queen. The owner. Bite into the eyes of a wild female in the eyes of a partner at a time when he will experience an orgasm, do not take your eyes off until he collapses exhausted. Here is the time when you break.
Only now you get POWER on the subconscious. Only now you will be amazed to look at the eyes of a boy who knew the UNKNOWN. Such a woman is not able to forget or offend a man. Equipment:
Universal technology is not, after reading the above, you (perhaps, finally) will understand that in literature, there is often a stunning nonsense, tickling the imagination of people very far from the Truth. Outcome:
If you are lucky and you have achieved what you wanted, never use this, remember that Mrs. Luck gave you the SOUL of a man. Do not trample it:
the consequences will be bloody and catastrophic.
Ovechkin and Baranova
At our University there was a teacher named Ovechkin. And all the students in the exams very much tore. And so no one loved him. And his wife's name was Baranova. So, students threw off and wrote to them the magazine "Sheep breeding"
Stand with selsyns
There was at us such teacher in the Kiev polytechnic - Victor Semenovich Podlipensky, known under a nickname "the Grandfather the Magnet". He was a professor in everything that concerned the fundamentals of electromechanics of the middle of the last century, that he successfully and taught all these 50 years. The students were afraid of him and did not like him - it's a shame to fly out of the institute because of the subject, where we are talking about amplifiers on coal poles, while all have already switched to microcircuits. And everyone tried to get out of it somehow, but Grandpa Magnit did not give any reasons - all the impulses to deceive him he caught in a moment. An unpleasant moment in his teaching method was the surrender of laboratory work. He had a whole system of assessments developed on this score, and a person who did not score a certain score on this system was not allowed to take the exam. And we had no such thing as "tails" - either passed or not passed.
And "did not surrender" is a direct road to the Soviet Army. But there was also an excuse for Grandfather Magnet - help in updating the laboratory inventory, that is, the student who made the new laboratory stand, received the "indulgence" and the blessing of Father personally. To use the excuse it was possible to very few people, because the subject itself aroused in students a disgust abruptly, than a toad-shaped cockroach in the form of a mouse in the average urban woman. And do something, and that it still worked ?!
But there were cases. One of them entered the annals of the KPI, and, which is the most offensive, it is no longer possible to see this stand (they say that Grandfather Magnet burned him with a particularly vile ritual image). It was a stand with selsyns. Selsin is such a device, roughly speaking, transmitting the angle of rotation on wires, thanks to the magnetic properties of the windings into which their cores are inserted, and represents two large round handles. When you rotate one of them, the second one should turn to exactly the same angle - to measure the accuracy on the handles a special scale was applied. A group of students as an indulgence fetched a similar device and brought for the exam. Grandfather happily turned on the device, hidden in a frighteningly iron box, into the net, and a characteristic buzz sounded.
"Power is 60 watts," said one of the students. Grandfather nodded happily, but noted with concern:
- Is not it a lot?
The students said with a smile:
- Nothing. It will not burn. Selcin worked just super: when turning one handle the second one came into motion, and, having repaired, turned exactly at the same angle. Students received a "five", and a year later left the institute. A year later, when about 150 students passed laboratory work on this "selsyn", Selsin stopped working.
Grandfather said:
"Perhaps the contact has moved away," and, taking a screwdriver, he first removed a healthy iron casing. Under the casing he opened an interesting picture. It turned out that the selsyn handles on long pulleys were inserted in well oiled bearings, and were connected by a rope with a rubber and a spring, because of which the Selsin produced such uneven but always exact movements. And the "power" wire through the transformer applied voltage to the electromagnet, which pulled out a small screw, fixed on a spring in the rod of one of the "selsyns", thus removing from it a "lock" so that the "selsiny" could "work". Grandfather Magnet was shocked. Since then, he has always been cautious about the stands being surrendered by students ...
First or not?
I was once in the same office and watched the following story.
The girl-secretary dopekala manager:
- Sasha, confess, did you have the first wife?
He is silent.
"So first or not?"
He is silent.
- Sasha, well, tell me, first or not first?
There comes another manager who heard only the last phrase and thought that talking about the client, and says:
- First - not the first, God forbid, not the last.
Sasha was offended ...
What will you buy for a penny?
One of our classmates Mihalich, was original and incomprehensible for what women liked. Once, during a break between lectures on the porch of the institute, where all the students went out to smoke, he found somewhere a penny and began to ask everyone what to do with it. Someone told him that you can not buy a donut hole for such money. As if on purpose, not far away was a young saleswoman of sweets. In its assortment there were also bagels. Mikhalych did not hesitate to come to her, held out a penny and demanded:
"Girl, sell the hole!"
To this she blushed slightly with a question:
- Which one?
General laughter interrupted the development of events ...
Are you here now?
At us on III course there was a subject - a structure of substance. Chemists need it, like a cow's eggs, so they treated it pretty cool. Most still managed to pass the test for a freebie, but some particularly gifted had no luck. For example, two comrades studied, one of whom gave it seven times, and the second - 11 (eleven). When they surrendered for the seventh time, there was already a session, and the priesthood took place in the lab with the teacher. The first was pissed about fairly quickly, went out into the corridor and began to wait for his partner. Suddenly the teacher leaves the room, notices the poor fellow and says:
- Are you here now? Perfectly! Let's have a student's record-book! - puts off and explains:
- You see, there your friend is carrying such things, that you are compared to him just Lomonosov!
River, forest, tent
My relative to the north of the city of Serov served and in their part, this story was passed from generation to generation. Part 1. I flew somehow An-2 (like - to a higher authority - read the vodka). Nearby - on the tundra a verst for 100. Not once the crew already on this route traveled, knew the road well, did not need a map - and did not take it. And two more features: An-2 was a wreck, apparently only for flights after vodka at the PMU and was used. In general, altimeters on it did not work in life, the history holds back about the presence of radio communication. The second feature - it was in the fall, just before the snow. The weather is unstable ... In general, there flew without problems. They flew back with a strong wind on the route (an important detail - the wind rose after takeoff).
The clouds appeared somehow - we had to rise higher.
By the time it's time to arrive, they've come down, gone under the clouds, flying and marveling are given - there was no such landscape in these places - the river is not small, but on the banks - _les_ (!) (The tundra should have actually existed). Снизили скорость почти до посадочной, летят вдоль реки (благо попутно) и сориентироваться пытаются. Вдруг видят - на берегу реки палатка стоит. Красивая такая - оранжевая, шатром... Решили снизиться - разглядеть получше.
Часть 2. Выбрались из-под перевернувшегося самолета - ходят вокруг - ничего понять не могут. Стали бродить вокруг - ручей течет, карликовый лес растет и огромный (бывают они такие на севере, сам видел) подосиновик на берегу.
Оранжевый такой, шатром... А впереди по ходу, метрах в 300, знакомый такой заборчик из колючки, тот самый, что вокруг летного поля...
Неприступная англичанка
У нас на курсе учился один парень, звать Леха - зачем-то перевелся к нам, математикам, с физфака, причем с понижением на два курса. А поскольку он еще и успел в армии отслужить, до того как студентов забирать перестали - был он нас, соответственно, старше на все четыре. И вот как-то он является на какую-то лекцию (что вообще-то с ним случалось чрезвычайно редко) и рассказывает, давясь от смеха, что с ним вчера произошло. Собрались, значит, Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения... Нет, сначала два слова о Леночке. В середине семестра наша старая англичанка, Заслуженная Грымза СССР, ушла на пенсию и вместо нее нам пришла вести занятие юная блондинка, только-только закончившая Иняз. На вид ей нельзя было дать и 18-ти, хотя она явно должна была быть старше нас на несколько лет - в общем, никакой дисциплины ей наладить не удалось, народ вообще перестал ходить на английский (за исключением нескольких ребят, которые напрасно мечтали завести с Леночкой более близкое знакомство). Так вот, собрались Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения. В том числе и вышеупомянутая Леночка. Народ ее начинает расспрашивать - как, мол, дела, учительница-мучительница? Она отвечает: мол, плохи дела, студенты на занятия не ходят, а наш Лешенька - вы ведь знаете, что он все еще учится? - так вот, он у меня в группе, и он вообще за весь семестр ни разу не появился! И тут с некоторым опозданием заявляется Леха.
- Ну, что, вечный студет, как учеба? - начинают над ним подтрунивать одноклассники, которые все уже закончили институт.
- Да ничего, зачеты сдаю, - отвечает Леха.
- И много ли сдал?
- Все, кроме английского.
- А что ж так?
- Да я на нем ни разу не был, так что даже и не знаю, как быть.
- А кто ведет-то у вас?
- Да какая-то Леночка. Говорят, молоденькая и симпатишная.
Народ начинает давиться от сдерживаемого хохота. Леночка краснеет.
- Ну, дык попробуй подкатиться к ней, ты у нас парень видный, - советуют "добрые" одноклассники: дело в том, что Леха еще в школе пытался завести шашни с той самой Леночкой, но увы и фиг вам.
- Да у нас парни пытались к ней подкатиться, да, говорят, она всех отшила, гордая такая, - произносит Леха, и в этот момент все присутствующие просто падают на пол, не в силах больше сдерживать смех. А красная, как рак, Леночка произносит язвительно:
- Ладно уж, Лешенька, так и быть, поставлю я тебе зачет!

Данила и стиральная машина
Работал я в одном южном городе на военном заводе. Был на заводе прекрасный малярный участок. Как на любом заводе, у нас был транспортный цех, грузчики и т. п. Предприятие маленькое, все друг друга знают. Приятельствовал я с водителем одним, дядей Ваней звали, он мне в отцы годился.
Отношения добрые. И был среди грузчиков у нас совершенный такой "даун". Ни бэ, ни мэ, но метра 2 с лишним. Как звали не помню, но кликали Данилой. Надо сказать, что дядя Ваня жил в собственном доме. Как-то один сосед попросил дядю Ваню нашего покрасить у нас на заводе стиральную машинку.
Круглая такая. Старая, облезлая. Дядя Ваня ее на завод привез, бабушки постарались, выкрасили молотковой эмалью, высушили - красота, сверкает как новая. Ну, попросил дядя Ваня меня помочь до дому довезти. Работал он на бортовом ЗИЛ-130. Я залез в кузов, аккуратно принял машинку, положил бережно, на дно кузова на брезент, и чтобы не поцарапалась (блестит на солнце), завернул в тот же брезент. Сел рядом придерживать на ходу. Дядя Ваня берет этого Данилу. Тот счастлив, что с работы свалил, хоть куда. Приезжаем. Машина останавливается, дядя Ваня выходит, открывает калитку во двор и сам идет к следующей. В это время я передаю с максимальными предосторожностями машинку Даниле. Он кладет ее себе на плечи за голову и идет за дядей Ваней. Дядя Ваня краем глаза увидев, что Данила за ним поплелся, поворачивается к нему. Данила предвосхищая ответ дяди Вани, спрашивает: куда ее? (машинка на плечах!). Дядя Ваня небрежно махнув рукой и отворачиваясь:
- Да, закинь ее воон в тот двор.
Тут же руки Данилы, как пружины разгибаются, машинка (сверкающая, переливающаяся на солнце новой краской), летит через забор высотой примерно 1,80, и со скрежетом падает где-то на грядках во дворе соседа. Все происходит в доли секунды. Немая сцена: дядя Ваня поворачивается на шелест летящей через забор стиральной машины; я стоя в кузове надрываю живот в беззвучном смехе (чето в глотке заклинило, челюсти сводит); прохожие, ничего не видевшие крутят пальцем у виска; Данила стоит с тупой ухмылкой на лице, улыбаясь от сознания выполненного долга! Дядя Ваня соображает, и не верит своим глазам. Через минуту крик, мат в три этажа. Пара минут, и некоторое затишье. Пошли в огород посмотреть, что с машинкой. Вытащили с грядок из грязи, посмотрели, и у меня опять челюсти свело. Слезы из глаз... Ободрана, низ квадратный. Пинали ногами минут пять, что-бы круглую форму придать. Добились мятого эдакого подобия эллипса. Дядя Ваня бросил ее в сердцах, порываясь Данилке нашему неразумному в нос заехать. Плюнул, и мы поехали обратно, в кабине. До работы все 20 минут езды ор, мат, чуть не рукоприкладство. Вот такая история. Немножко грустная для дяди вани. Ведь он вперед магарыч пузырьком взял. Я, конечно, получил массу положительных эмоций...
Где была?
Был у одной девушки любовник. Эта девушка его периодически посещала, а он затем довозил ее на мотоцикле за остановку до дому. Затем она садилась на троллейбус и доезжала до дому - конспирация. И вот однажды возвращается она домой поддатая, а муж ее спрашивает: - Где была? Жена: - На работе...
- Нет, я спрашиваю - ты где была?
- На работе, ну, подумаешь, чуть выпила - у подруги день рождения был...
- Врешь. Ты на чем домой приехала?
- На троллейбусе.
- А почему тогда в каске?!..
Подругам она потом рассказывала, что люди в троллейбусе на нее как-то странно смотрели, а она думала, что у нее юбка слишком короткая и всю дорогу ее поправляла.

Был у нас водитель, он же плотник, он же столяр, он же сантехник и т. д. И вот однажды закупили мы пару новых кресел, идентичных уже имеющимся. Он взялся за их сборку.
Но возникли какие-то вопросы, для решения коих он решил посмотреть, каким образом это делалось на уже собранном кресле. На кресле в этот момент сидела Юля. И предложила для удобства осмотра свою помощь, а именно: встать и отойти от кресла. На помощь водитель не согласился, попросил не беспокоиться и, встав на колени, изящно изогнул свой корпус и голова его, блещущая благородной сединой (да, он был немолод), оказалась под сиденьем Юлиного кресла. Несколько минут он там задумчиво пыхтел, а потом выдал результат осмотра:
- Я что-то не пойму: дырки две, а штырь один...
Юля мужественно перенесла это открытие. Но объяснять ничего не стала. All.
Ядра - чистый изумруд
Гостил у своих друзей в Торонто, и пошли мы в какой-то китайский ресторанчик. Покушали, и в конце нам принесли десерт - орешки. А что-то речь зашла о Пушкине, то да се, я беру орешек с блюдца и цитирую незабвенное: "Ядра - чистый изумруд". На меня тут же вылупляются две пары глаз:
- Ты - какой изумруд?
Ездил я на 4 дня в Москву. Если бы вы знали, как достают эти российско-украинские таможни. Приехал я с одним дипломатом в руках, чем и вызывал подозрение у всех таможенных служб. В дипломате как и положено - зонтик, зубная щетка, бритва и инструменты для обжима сетевых проводов. Если кто не знает - это такие клещи со специальными зажимами и ножами очень внушительного вида. Каждая из 4-х (!) таможен считала своим долгом перевернуть дипломат дном наизнанку, ткнуть пальцем в клещи и спросить: - Что ЭТО?!
Первые два раза я был предельно честен, обьяснив не только предназначение странного предмета, но и принцип действия. На третьей по счету таможне я не выдержал, сказав "ЭТО - новейший в стоматологии инструмент, предназначенный для удаления зубов без наркоза". К моему величайшему удивлению, это прошло не хуже первых двух ответов и даже вызвало бурю одобрительных эмоций. Сам еле сдержался от смеха, пытаясь мысленно представить "безболезненное" удаление зуба этим предметом.