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Classification of women: male version.

Bbw losing weight
A common type of chubby and not very, as well as pretending to be such girls and women. Slimming mania begins with them, as a rule, in the middle of a hearty lunch or in the interval between the 5th and 6th cakes sent to the mouth and torments them until the next attack of hunger. During the period of mania, << fatty >> runs around her acquaintances in search of the right remedy and with grief she can even go on a diet. Fortunately, these mania are short-lived and usually do not lead to grave consequences, such as losing precious weight. Touchy clinging As a rule, a virgin, with all her heart striving to give herself to her husband and only her husband. However, in the process of this moral aspiration, she is visited by more earthly feelings, in particular the desire to communicate with the opposite sex. Here beware! She will behave like a bad woman, build your eyes, give out advances, wink, but as soon as you start playing hormones, it's all over. Unkindly will shed a tear, say that all men are males and set off to look for a new victim.

Principal witch
Asthenic physique, in an elegant suit and most often with glasses. (However, a broom would have suited her much more.) Not one mortal pimple dares even approach her. Because by the next seminar (training, symposium) she needs to master an incredibly clever book (of the same Linnaeus), or she is currently busy with scientific experiments preparing cockroaches, pouring sulfuric acid on bamboo shoots, etc., etc. So all the guys, including even the most loyal fans of science, go off to look for less busy girlfriends. But the witch, having lived to be a hundred years old alone, dies peacefully during the next scientific conference.

Exhausted nun
A fan of Thomas Aquinas, Kant, Zarathustra, Don Juan. At 3 years and 9 months, she realized that this life did not work out, and now she is actively preparing herself for a better life. No meat, guys, no television. It feeds on holy water and on Herbalife. Such a way of life leads to the fact that even neighbors and close relatives begin to shy away from such an incorporeal creature, unable to withstand tedious philosophies about the meaning of life and long quotes from the Bible.

Beauty is tearful
It looks like a girl like a girl, but try to say at least a word across and you will immediately find out what a painful reflection is. For any reason, sheds liters of tears. When going on a date with her, be sure to put a handkerchief in all your pockets. Any minor event (the death of a beloved spider, a suspicious look, a flood in Burundi) does not leave her indifferent. It is quite suitable for the development of salt deposits, however, a long conversation with such beauty will spoil your nerves irrevocably.

Cuckoo brood hen
Coming to her house, you find the mistress in the kitchen. Immediately before you is a dozen dishes. While you are eating, the hen will sweep away the dust from you and throw it in the trash. Do not forget anything: the next day it will be cleaned, washed, ironed whether it is a scarf, gloves, scientific report. At night, she is tormented by conscience, because she did not have time to do all the housework. In a word, a cheap, reliable, practical home item. The weak point is intelligence, it listens only to mom and Ivanushki. It’s not worth driving to a theater or a museum, only socks, saucepans, and mops.

Short-legged long-legged
A female creature that has two parts of the body with ears and legs (the latter grow from the first and end with shoes with an abnormally high heel). Other parts of the body of the long-legged are either absent or occupy such a small area that they do not attract any attention. Such a girl is usually brightly colored and, trying to emphasize the dignity of her favorite organs (see above), hangs on the first huge earrings, and covers the upper part of the second with an object that is proudly called a skirt, but upon closer examination it turns out to be just a strap from the last. Most of the long-legged are harmless, especially if you do not pay attention to their lack of such vital objects as the brain and hands.

Activist working
Do not look at her small stature! Can cope with a horse, and with a burning hut, and with you at the same time. Not a second of peace: sawing with a jigsaw on plastic, knitting a scarf from barbed wire, mining tartar from a mammoth tusk, and for a sweet ceremonial closing of the embrasure with your body. And do not try to slip away! Work hard, work hard! Always in the forefront, and under your arm a beloved guy.

Fastidious squeamish
Her favorite phrases: << Phi, how not aesthetically pleasing! >> and << Off the table will be said >>. And in fact, this girl has an extremely thin mental organization: she is troubled by the smell of cigarettes, swaying at the sight of a three-day stubble, and only seeing (sniffing) your socks, freshly washed just a week ago, the fussy person faints immediately. Before meeting with her, take a bath with a weak solution of potassium permanganate, treat your things with bleach, and even forget about coughing and sneezing (is it best, of course, not to breathe at all, and what if you have bad breath?).

Inconsolable widow
Widowhood for this woman is not a social status, but rather a state of mind. The mourning dress goes to her more than other dresses, funeral music causes a surge of fanaticism. However, despite such afterlife preferences, the widow is an energetic and sociable creature (he enthusiastically searches for a man's rank, cheerfully drags him to the registry office, brings him to the grave with enthusiasm). Somewhat annoying in the widow is that each subsequent her husband is obviously worse than the previous one. In their hobbies, widows achieve true professionalism masterfully fighting a frying pan, expertly salt mushrooms. Although ... No woman will honor you so sacred after death, and in the end you’ll be the husband, say, the ninth, compared to the husband of the twenty-eighth, you will look just like an angel.

The racketeer is insatiable
Don't you have a bag of money? Fi, lad, she's not for you. Her inquiries are not small: holidays in the Canaries, a new mink coat for every winter, restaurants, flowers and other vital little things like diamond necklaces and little rings with inscribed inscriptions. The skill of a racketeer knows no bounds; you will never earn as much as she did not have time to spend. So, if your health and well-being is dear to you, having stumbled upon such a racketeer, feel free to send her ... to the Canaries. But God forbid you buy her a return ticket!

Scattered Dreamer
As a child, she read books about red sails, spaceships, black Mercedes and other prestigious gizmos. Therefore, now she is all in a beautiful future. Waiting for the prince. If not on << Ferrari-Turbo >>, then at least on a white stallion. Since the dreamer is not interested in the unromantic real, then she needs an eye and an eye. Burnt fried eggs, smashed to smithereens, these are still flowers. For marriage, it is suitable for men with a highly developed paternal instinct and a solid supply of nerves and adhesive plaster who, if not a dreamer, needs to constantly wipe away tears and heal spiritual wounds from a collision with the harsh truth of life. For which she, however, will answer you with childlike devotion.
This blowjob should not be confused with the conventional notion of "take in your mouth." There is exactly as much in common between them as there is between a mule and an Arabian horse. Not all women (and not all men) know that a man has at least two types of orgasm. The first is easy to describe: it comes as a result of masturbation. Not everyone can feel the second. The first violin is played by a woman. Briefly explain the difference.
Anyone can “end up” corny enough to irritate nerve endings. The second is much more complicated, it affects His Majesty the Subconscious. For a woman to gain unlimited power over a male being, she needs to break through his line of defense on a subconscious level. Turn him from a cave male "stuck-pulled-out-run" into a loving man, admired by a woman. By the way, this is the key to marital fidelity.
Let's start in order ... Blowjob is the beginning of all beginnings, The first step to understanding the soul of a partner.

Girls, do not do the first blowjob where and how horrible. This will not end in anything serious, because a man sees an incorrectly made blowjob as a funny form of masturbation.
Create a calm, cozy atmosphere, choose music on the background exclusively by yourself. Ultimately, your goal is to take possession of a man, not physically and not for a short period of time. A well-designed environment relaxes a man, opening a crack in his obviously deaf, merciless defense. Take advantage of this, you should have enough time.

The basics:
What should a smart woman think during a blowjob?
1. about a man
2. about him
3. about yourself? The correct answer is about yourself. Do not try to please the man: he sees it, and your pedestal crumbles to pieces with catastrophic speed. Member during a blowjob INDEPENDENT living creature, despot of male consciousness. It is he who stands between you and the man. It is impossible to deceive him, this insidious creature will instantly tell its owner about your hypocrisy. Know this. A member is able to quickly stop your pathetic attempts, spewing a quick seed, and thereby push the iron curtain between you and the subconscious of your partner. This is not your goal. Forget about his master, conduct a dialogue in approximately the following vein: << Put me in the soul of your Lord: I am worthy of this, I am a Woman, I love you as much as your Lord. Look, what a pleasure you give me, you make me a WOMAN! >> This is not a joke, remember that you will not succeed in conducting it. Do not allow men's hands to interfere in your dialogue: they also seek to protect the Essence of a man, they confuse you with thoughts. Learn to feel the most inconspicuous fluttering. These are Words of dialogue, a hint about what to do and what not to do. Do not look questioningly into the eyes of the partner until the very end of the act: it degrades you. Glance with a captivated look.
You are a woman. Queen. Sovereign. Catch a look of a wild female in the partner’s eyes at the moment when he will have an orgasm, do not look away until he collapses exhausted. THIS IS THE TIME WHEN PREPARING A BREAK.
Only now you get POWER over the subconscious. Only now will the eyes of the boy who knew the UNKNOWN be amazed at you. A man is not able to forget or offend such a Woman. Equipment:
There is NO universal technique, after reading the above, you (maybe finally) will understand that the literature often exposes tremendous nonsense, cheeky sensing the imagination of people very far from the Truth. Total:
If you are lucky and you have achieved what you wanted, never USE this, remember that Madam Luck gave you the SHOWER of the man. Do not trample it:
the consequences will be bloody and catastrophic.
Ovechkin and Baranova
We at the University had a teacher named Ovechkin. And all the students in the exams were very violent. And so no one loved him. And his wife's surname was Baranova. So, students threw themselves together and wrote them a magazine "Sheep breeding"
Stand with selsins
We had such a teacher in the Kiev Polytechnic University - Viktor Semenovich Podlipensky, known under the nickname "Grandfather Magnet". He was a professor in everything related to the basics of electromechanics of the middle of the last century, that he had successfully taught all these 50 years. The students were afraid of him and did not like it - it’s a shame to fly out of the institute because of the subject, which is about amplifiers on coal poles, while everyone has already switched to microcircuits. And everyone tried to somehow get out, but Grandfather Magnet did not give any reasons - he caught all the impulses to deceive him at the moment. An unpleasant moment in his teaching methodology was the delivery of laboratory work. He had developed a whole grading system on this score, and a person who didn’t score any points on this system was not allowed to take the exam. And we didn’t have such a concept as “tails” - either passed or did not pass.
But "did not surrender" - this is a direct road to the Soviet Army. But there was an excuse for Grandfather Magnet - help in updating laboratory equipment, that is, a student who made a new laboratory stand received “indulgence” and personally blessed Grandfather. Few people succeeded in using the excuse, because the subject itself aroused abruptly in students more abruptly than the frog-shaped cockroach in the form of a mouse in an average urban woman. And to do something, and so that it still works ?!
But there have been cases. One of them entered the annals of the KPI, and, what is most annoying, it is no longer possible to see this stand (they say that Grandfather Magnet burned it in a particularly vile ritual way). It was a stand with selsins. Selsin is such a device, roughly speaking, transmitting the angle of rotation through the wires, due to the magnetic properties of the windings into which their cores are inserted, and is two large round handles. When turning one of them, the second should turn at exactly the same angle - to measure accuracy, a special scale was applied on the handles. A group of students, as an indulgence, assembled a similar device and brought it to the exam. Grandfather joyfully turned on the device, hidden in a terrible size iron box, into the network, and a characteristic rumble came.
“Power is 60 watts,” said one of the students. Grandfather nodded joyfully, but noted with concern:
- But not a lot?
Students with a smile said:
- Nothing. Will not burn. Selsin worked just super: when turning one knob, the second came into motion, and, after a while, turned exactly the same angle. Students received the "five", and a year later left the institute. A year later, when about 150 students had already passed laboratory work on this selsyn, the selsyn stopped working.
Grandfather said:
- Probably, the contact has departed, - and, taking a screwdriver, for the first time removed a healthy iron casing. An interesting picture was revealed to him under the casing. It turned out that the selsyn knobs on the long pulleys were inserted into well-oiled bearings, and were interconnected by a rope with an elastic band and a spring, because of which the selsyn made such uneven, but always precise movements. And the “power” wire through the transformer applied voltage to the electromagnet, which was pulled out by a small screw mounted on a spring in the shaft of one of the “sync”, thus removing the “lock” from it so that the “sync” could “work”. Grandfather Magnet was shocked. Since then, he has always been wary of student stands.
First or not?
I was once in one office and watched the following story.
The girl-secretary podpekal manager:
- Sasha, admit it, you were the first with your wife?
He is silent.
- So first or not?
He is silent.
- Sasha, well, tell me, the first or not the first?
Then another manager comes in, having heard only the last phrase and thinking that the conversation is about the client, and says:
- The first - not the first, God forbid, not the last.
Sasha was offended ...
What do you buy for a penny?
One of our classmate Mikhalych was distinguished by originality and it is unclear why women liked him. Once, during a break between lectures on the porch of the institute, where all the students went out to smoke, he found a penny somewhere and began to ask everyone what to do with it. Someone told him that you could not buy a donut hole for that kind of money. As on purpose, not far away stood a young saleswoman of sweets. There were bagels in her assortment. Mikhalych without hesitation approached her, held out a penny and demanded:
- Girl, sell the hole!
To this, she answered a little blushing with a question:
- Which one?
Universal laughter interrupted the development of events ...
Are you here?
At the third year we had a subject - the structure of matter. Chemists need him like a cow’s eggs, so they treated him rather coolly. Most still managed to pass the test for free, but some especially gifted were unlucky. For example, two comrades studied, one of which passed it seven times, and the second - 11 (eleven). When they handed over for the seventh time, a session was already going on, and the priesthood was taking place in the teacher’s lab. The first was opidorashit quite quickly, went out into the corridor and began to expect a partner. Suddenly, the teacher leaves the room, notices the poor man and says:
- Are you here? Perfectly! Let's record! - sets off and explains:
- You see, there your friend bears such that you are simply Lomonosov in comparison with him!
River, forest, tent
My relative north of the city of Serov served and they partly passed this story from generation to generation. Part 1. Once flew An-2 (sort of - to a higher authority - read for vodka). Nearby - along the tundra miles for 100. More than once the crew already traveled along this route, knew the road well, did not need a map - and did not take it. And two more features: An-2 was pimped, apparently only for flights for vodka at PMU and was used. In general, altimeters on it did not work in life, the history is silent about the availability of radio communications. The second feature - it was in the fall, just before the snow. The weather is unstable ... In general, they flew there without any problems. They flew back with a strong headwind on the route (a significant detail - the wind rose after takeoff).
Some cloudiness appeared - I had to rise higher.
In time, it’s time to fly in — it’s decreased, it is cloudy, they fly and wonder - there wasn’t such a landscape in these places - the river is not small, but along the banks it was _les_ (!) (Actually, the tundra should have been). Снизили скорость почти до посадочной, летят вдоль реки (благо попутно) и сориентироваться пытаются. Вдруг видят - на берегу реки палатка стоит. Красивая такая - оранжевая, шатром... Решили снизиться - разглядеть получше.
Часть 2. Выбрались из-под перевернувшегося самолета - ходят вокруг - ничего понять не могут. Стали бродить вокруг - ручей течет, карликовый лес растет и огромный (бывают они такие на севере, сам видел) подосиновик на берегу.
Оранжевый такой, шатром... А впереди по ходу, метрах в 300, знакомый такой заборчик из колючки, тот самый, что вокруг летного поля...
Неприступная англичанка
У нас на курсе учился один парень, звать Леха - зачем-то перевелся к нам, математикам, с физфака, причем с понижением на два курса. А поскольку он еще и успел в армии отслужить, до того как студентов забирать перестали - был он нас, соответственно, старше на все четыре. И вот как-то он является на какую-то лекцию (что вообще-то с ним случалось чрезвычайно редко) и рассказывает, давясь от смеха, что с ним вчера произошло. Собрались, значит, Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения... Нет, сначала два слова о Леночке. В середине семестра наша старая англичанка, Заслуженная Грымза СССР, ушла на пенсию и вместо нее нам пришла вести занятие юная блондинка, только-только закончившая Иняз. На вид ей нельзя было дать и 18-ти, хотя она явно должна была быть старше нас на несколько лет - в общем, никакой дисциплины ей наладить не удалось, народ вообще перестал ходить на английский (за исключением нескольких ребят, которые напрасно мечтали завести с Леночкой более близкое знакомство). Так вот, собрались Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения. В том числе и вышеупомянутая Леночка. Народ ее начинает расспрашивать - как, мол, дела, учительница-мучительница? Она отвечает: мол, плохи дела, студенты на занятия не ходят, а наш Лешенька - вы ведь знаете, что он все еще учится? - так вот, он у меня в группе, и он вообще за весь семестр ни разу не появился! И тут с некоторым опозданием заявляется Леха.
- Ну, что, вечный студет, как учеба? - начинают над ним подтрунивать одноклассники, которые все уже закончили институт.
- Да ничего, зачеты сдаю, - отвечает Леха.
- И много ли сдал?
- Все, кроме английского.
- А что ж так?
- Да я на нем ни разу не был, так что даже и не знаю, как быть.
- А кто ведет-то у вас?
- Да какая-то Леночка. Говорят, молоденькая и симпатишная.
Народ начинает давиться от сдерживаемого хохота. Леночка краснеет.
- Ну, дык попробуй подкатиться к ней, ты у нас парень видный, - советуют "добрые" одноклассники: дело в том, что Леха еще в школе пытался завести шашни с той самой Леночкой, но увы и фиг вам.
- Да у нас парни пытались к ней подкатиться, да, говорят, она всех отшила, гордая такая, - произносит Леха, и в этот момент все присутствующие просто падают на пол, не в силах больше сдерживать смех. А красная, как рак, Леночка произносит язвительно:
- Ладно уж, Лешенька, так и быть, поставлю я тебе зачет!

Данила и стиральная машина
Работал я в одном южном городе на военном заводе. Был на заводе прекрасный малярный участок. Как на любом заводе, у нас был транспортный цех, грузчики и т. п. Предприятие маленькое, все друг друга знают. Приятельствовал я с водителем одним, дядей Ваней звали, он мне в отцы годился.
Отношения добрые. И был среди грузчиков у нас совершенный такой "даун". Ни бэ, ни мэ, но метра 2 с лишним. Как звали не помню, но кликали Данилой. Надо сказать, что дядя Ваня жил в собственном доме. Как-то один сосед попросил дядю Ваню нашего покрасить у нас на заводе стиральную машинку.
Круглая такая. Старая, облезлая. Дядя Ваня ее на завод привез, бабушки постарались, выкрасили молотковой эмалью, высушили - красота, сверкает как новая. Ну, попросил дядя Ваня меня помочь до дому довезти. Работал он на бортовом ЗИЛ-130. Я залез в кузов, аккуратно принял машинку, положил бережно, на дно кузова на брезент, и чтобы не поцарапалась (блестит на солнце), завернул в тот же брезент. Сел рядом придерживать на ходу. Дядя Ваня берет этого Данилу. Тот счастлив, что с работы свалил, хоть куда. Приезжаем. Машина останавливается, дядя Ваня выходит, открывает калитку во двор и сам идет к следующей. В это время я передаю с максимальными предосторожностями машинку Даниле. Он кладет ее себе на плечи за голову и идет за дядей Ваней. Дядя Ваня краем глаза увидев, что Данила за ним поплелся, поворачивается к нему. Данила предвосхищая ответ дяди Вани, спрашивает: куда ее? (машинка на плечах!). Дядя Ваня небрежно махнув рукой и отворачиваясь:
- Да, закинь ее воон в тот двор.
Тут же руки Данилы, как пружины разгибаются, машинка (сверкающая, переливающаяся на солнце новой краской), летит через забор высотой примерно 1,80, и со скрежетом падает где-то на грядках во дворе соседа. Все происходит в доли секунды. Немая сцена: дядя Ваня поворачивается на шелест летящей через забор стиральной машины; я стоя в кузове надрываю живот в беззвучном смехе (чето в глотке заклинило, челюсти сводит); прохожие, ничего не видевшие крутят пальцем у виска; Данила стоит с тупой ухмылкой на лице, улыбаясь от сознания выполненного долга! Дядя Ваня соображает, и не верит своим глазам. Через минуту крик, мат в три этажа. Пара минут, и некоторое затишье. Пошли в огород посмотреть, что с машинкой. Вытащили с грядок из грязи, посмотрели, и у меня опять челюсти свело. Слезы из глаз... Ободрана, низ квадратный. Пинали ногами минут пять, что-бы круглую форму придать. Добились мятого эдакого подобия эллипса. Дядя Ваня бросил ее в сердцах, порываясь Данилке нашему неразумному в нос заехать. Плюнул, и мы поехали обратно, в кабине. До работы все 20 минут езды ор, мат, чуть не рукоприкладство. Here is a story. Немножко грустная для дяди вани. Ведь он вперед магарыч пузырьком взял. Я, конечно, получил массу положительных эмоций...
Где была?
Был у одной девушки любовник. Эта девушка его периодически посещала, а он затем довозил ее на мотоцикле за остановку до дому. Затем она садилась на троллейбус и доезжала до дому - конспирация. И вот однажды возвращается она домой поддатая, а муж ее спрашивает: - Где была? Жена: - На работе...
- Нет, я спрашиваю - ты где была?
- На работе, ну, подумаешь, чуть выпила - у подруги день рождения был...
- Врешь. Ты на чем домой приехала?
- На троллейбусе.
- А почему тогда в каске?!..
Подругам она потом рассказывала, что люди в троллейбусе на нее как-то странно смотрели, а она думала, что у нее юбка слишком короткая и всю дорогу ее поправляла.

Был у нас водитель, он же плотник, он же столяр, он же сантехник и т. д. И вот однажды закупили мы пару новых кресел, идентичных уже имеющимся. Он взялся за их сборку.
Но возникли какие-то вопросы, для решения коих он решил посмотреть, каким образом это делалось на уже собранном кресле. На кресле в этот момент сидела Юля. И предложила для удобства осмотра свою помощь, а именно: встать и отойти от кресла. На помощь водитель не согласился, попросил не беспокоиться и, встав на колени, изящно изогнул свой корпус и голова его, блещущая благородной сединой (да, он был немолод), оказалась под сиденьем Юлиного кресла. Несколько минут он там задумчиво пыхтел, а потом выдал результат осмотра:
- Я что-то не пойму: дырки две, а штырь один...
Юля мужественно перенесла это открытие. Но объяснять ничего не стала. Все.
Ядра - чистый изумруд
Гостил у своих друзей в Торонто, и пошли мы в какой-то китайский ресторанчик. Покушали, и в конце нам принесли десерт - орешки. А что-то речь зашла о Пушкине, то да се, я беру орешек с блюдца и цитирую незабвенное: "Ядра - чистый изумруд". На меня тут же вылупляются две пары глаз:
- Ты - какой изумруд?
Ездил я на 4 дня в Москву. Если бы вы знали, как достают эти российско-украинские таможни. Приехал я с одним дипломатом в руках, чем и вызывал подозрение у всех таможенных служб. В дипломате как и положено - зонтик, зубная щетка, бритва и инструменты для обжима сетевых проводов. Если кто не знает - это такие клещи со специальными зажимами и ножами очень внушительного вида. Каждая из 4-х (!) таможен считала своим долгом перевернуть дипломат дном наизнанку, ткнуть пальцем в клещи и спросить: - Что ЭТО?!
Первые два раза я был предельно честен, обьяснив не только предназначение странного предмета, но и принцип действия. На третьей по счету таможне я не выдержал, сказав "ЭТО - новейший в стоматологии инструмент, предназначенный для удаления зубов без наркоза". К моему величайшему удивлению, это прошло не хуже первых двух ответов и даже вызвало бурю одобрительных эмоций. Сам еле сдержался от смеха, пытаясь мысленно представить "безболезненное" удаление зуба этим предметом.