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Women's classification: male version.

Fat woman slimming
A common type of plump and not very, as well as girls and women who imagine themselves as such. Mania for weight loss begins with them, as a rule, in the middle of a hearty lunch or in the interval between the 5th and 6th cakes sent to the mouth and tortures them until the nearest attack of hunger. In the period of mania, the “fat woman” runs around in acquaintances in search of the right means and, with grief, may even go on a diet. Fortunately, these mania are short-lived and do not usually lead to serious consequences, such as loss of precious weight. Impatiens pristavuchaya As a rule, a virgin, wholeheartedly seeking to give herself to her husband and only her husband. However, in the process of this highly moral desire, more earthly feelings visit her, in particular the desire to communicate with the opposite sex. Be careful here! She will behave like a bad woman, make eyes at you, give out advances, wink, but as soon as your hormones start playing, it's all over. A touchy person will let a tear out, say that all men are males and will start looking for a new victim.

Witch of principle
Asthenic physique, in an elegant suit and most often with glasses. (However, a broom would suit her much more.) No mortal pimple dares to even approach it. Because to the nearest seminar (training, symposium) she needs to master an incredibly smart book (of the same Linnaeus), or she is currently engaged in scientific experiments preparing cockroaches, pouring sulfuric acid on bamboo shoots, etc., etc. So all the guys, including even the most loyal fans of the natural sciences, are sent to look for less busy girlfriends. And the witch, having lived up to one hundred years in solitude, dies peacefully during a regular scientific conference.

Nun emaciated
Fan of Thomas Aquinas, Kant, Zarathustra, Don Juan. At 3 years and 9 months, she realized that this life did not work out, and now she is actively preparing herself for a better life. No meat, guys, television. It feeds on holy water and << Herbalife >>. This way of life leads to the fact that even neighbors and close relatives begin to shy away from such a disembodied creation, unable to withstand the tedious philosophizing about the meaning of life and long quotations from the Bible.

Beauty is tearful
It looks like a girl like a girl, but try to tell her a word across and you will immediately learn what a painful reflection is. For any reason shed liters of tears. Going on a date with her, be sure to put in all the pockets on a handkerchief. Any little event (the death of a beloved spider, a suspicious look, a flood in Burundi) does not leave her indifferent. It is quite suitable for the development of salt deposits, however, long communication with such beauty will ruin your nerves irrevocably.

Mother hen clucking
Coming to her house, you find the hostess in the kitchen. Immediately before you a dozen dishes. While you eat, the hen will sweep away the dust from you and throw it in the trash. Do not forget anything: the next day it will be cleaned, washed, ironed, whether it is a handkerchief, gloves, scientific report. At night, her conscience hurts, because she did not have time to do all the housework. In a word, a cheap, reliable, practical item at home. The weak point is intelligence, it listens only to mother and Ivanushek. In the theater, its museum and drive is not worth only socks, saucepans, shvabrochki.

Long-legged shortblind
A female creature that has two ears and legs (the second grows from the first and ends with shoes on an abnormally high heel). Other parts of the body of the long-legged or absent, or occupy such a small area that does not attract any attention. Such a girl is usually brightly painted and, trying to emphasize the dignity of his beloved organs (see above), hangs on the first huge earrings, and the upper part of the second covers the subject, which is proudly called a skirt, but upon closer examination it turns out only a strap from the latter. Most of the long-legged are harmless, especially if you do not pay attention to the lack of such vital items as the brain and hands.

Activist working
Do not look at her short stature! Can cope with a horse, and with a burning hut, and with you at the same time. Not a second of rest: cutting out with a jigsaw on plastic, knitting scarves from barbed wire, extracting tartar from a mammoth's tusk, and for sweet solemn closure with an embrasure with your body. And do not try to slip away! Work, work, work! Always in the forefront, and under the arm a beloved guy.

Fastidious fastidious
Her favorite phrases: << Fi, if not aesthetically pleasing! >> and << Not to the table will be said >>. And in fact, this girl has an extremely fine mental organization: she is sickened by the smell of cigarettes, staggers at the sight of a three-day stubble, and having seen (smelled) your freshly washed socks just a week ago, the socks immediately faint. Before meeting with her, take a bath with a weak solution of potassium permanganate, treat your clothes with bleach and even think about coughing and sneezing (best of all, of course, do not breathe at all, what if you have bad breath?).

Widow inconsolable
Widowhood for this woman is not a social status, but rather a state of mind. Mourning dress goes to her more than other outfits, funeral music causes a surge of fanaticism. However, despite such future preferences, the widow is an energetic and sociable creature (the husband is enthusiastically looking for a rank, cheerfully dragging him to the registry office, driving him to the grave with enthusiasm). Somewhat annoying in the widow is that each subsequent her husband is obviously worse than the previous one. In his hobby, the widows achieve true professionalism by masterfully fighting with a frying pan, masterfully salting mushrooms. Although ... No woman will honor you so piously after death, and in the end you are a husband, say, the ninth, compared to the twenty-eighth husband, you will look just like an angel.

Racketeer insatiable
You do not have a bag of money? Fi, kid, she's not for you. Her requests are not small: a vacation in the Canaries, a new mink fur coat for every winter, restaurants, flowers and other vital little things like diamond necklaces and rings with personalized inscriptions. Mastery of racketeering knows no bounds you will never earn as much as she would not have had time to spend. So, if your health and well-being is dear to you, stumbling upon such a racketeer, feel free to send it ... to the Canaries. But God forbid you buy her a return ticket!

Scattered dream
In childhood, she read books about scarlet sails, spaceships, black << Mercedes >> and other prestigious things. So now she is all in a beautiful future. Waiting for a prince. If not on << Ferrari-Turbo >>, then at least on a white stallion. Since the real dreaming is not interested in this non-romantic, then an eye and an eye are needed for it. Burnt scrambled eggs, shattered lamp is still flowers. For marriage, it is suitable for men with a highly developed paternal instinct and a solid reserve of nerves and adhesive plaster who, if not dreaming, need constant wiping of tears and healing emotional wounds from a collision with the harsh truth of life. For which she, however, will answer you with a child devotion.
This blowjob should not be confused with the conventional concept of "take in your mouth." There is exactly as much in common between them as between a mule and an Arabian steed. Not all women (and not all men) know that a man has at least two types of orgasm. The first is easy to describe: it comes as a result of masturbation. The second is given to feel not everyone. The first violin is played by a woman. Briefly explain the difference.
It is trivial to “end” anyone, rather strongly irritating the nerve endings. The second is much more complicated, it affects his Majesty the Subconscious. In order for a woman to gain unlimited power over a male being, she needs to break through his line of defense on a subconscious level. Turn it from a cave male "stuck, pulled out, ran away" into a loving man, admired by a woman. By the way, this is a pledge of marital fidelity.
Let's start in order ... Blowjob the beginning of all beginnings, The first step to understanding the soul of a partner.

Girls, do not do the first blowjob where and how horrible. It will not end with anything serious, because a man regards an incorrectly made blowjob as an amusing form of onanism.
Create a calm, cozy atmosphere; choose the music in the background exclusively. Ultimately, your goal is to take possession of a man, not physically or for a short period of time. A well-thought-out setting relaxes a man, opening a crack in his obviously deaf, merciless defense. Take advantage of this, you should have enough time.

What should a smart woman think during a blowjob?
1. about a man
2. about his h
3. about yourself? The correct answer is about yourself. Do not try to please the man: he sees it, and your pedestal crumbles to pieces with catastrophic speed. A member during a blowjob an INDEPENDENT living being, a despot of male consciousness. It is he who stands between you and the man. It is impossible to deceive him; this insidious creation will instantly inform his master of your hypocrisy. Know it. A member is able to quickly stop your pathetic attempts, by spewing seed quickly, and thereby push the iron curtain between you and your partner's subconscious. This is not your goal. Forget about his master, lead the dialogue in approximately the following way: “Let me go to your Master's soul: I am worthy of it, I am a Woman, I love you as much as your Lord. Look, what a pleasure you give me, you make me a WOMAN! >> This is not a joke, remember that you will not be able to spend it. You do not allow male hands to interfere in your dialogue: they, too, strive to protect the Essence of man, they lead you astray. Learn to feel the most inconspicuous fluttering is the words of dialogue, a hint what to do and what not to do. Do not look inquiringly into the partner's eyes until the very end of the act: it demeans you. Slip enchanted eyes.
You are a woman. Queen. Sovereign Breathe the gaze of a wild female into the partner's eyes at the moment when he will experience an orgasm, do not look away until he collapses exhausted. THERE IS A MOMENT WHEN THIS IS GOING TO GO.
Only now you get POWER over the subconscious. Only now you will be amazed to watch the eyes of a boy who has known the UNKNOWNED. Such a woman a man is not able to forget or offend. Equipment:
Having read the above, there is NO universal technology (you may finally) realize that the literature often presents amazing nonsense that cheeks the imagination of people very far from the Truth. Total:
If you are lucky and you have achieved what you wanted, never use it, remember that Mrs. Luck gave you the soul of a man. Do not trample it:
the consequences will be bloody and disastrous.
Ovechkin and Baranova
We at the University was a teacher by the name of Ovechkin. And all the students in the exams very hard. And so no one loved him. And his wife's name was Baranova. So, the students took off and wrote out the magazine "Sheep breeding".
Stand with villagers
We had such a teacher in the Kiev Polytechnic - Viktor Semenovich Podlipyensky, known under the nickname “Grandfather Magnet”. He was a professor in all that dealt with the fundamentals of electromechanics of the middle of the last century, which he successfully taught and all these 50 years. The students were afraid and disliked him - it was a shame to fly out of the institute because of the subject matter, which deals with amplifiers on coal pillars, while everyone switched to microchips. And everyone tried to somehow get out, but the Grandfather Magnet did not give reasons - he caught all the impulses to deceive him at the moment. An unpleasant moment in his teaching methodology was the delivery of laboratory work. He had developed a whole grading system on this score, and the person who didn’t score any points using this system was not allowed to take the exam. And we didn’t have such a thing as “tails” - either we passed or did not pass.
A "not passed" - this is a direct road to the Soviet Army. But there was an excuse for Grandpa Magnit - help in updating the laboratory equipment, that is, the student who made the new laboratory stand received the “indulgence” and blessing personally by Grandfather. Few people were able to use the excuse, because the subject itself disgusted the students more abruptly than the mouse-toed cockroach of an average urban woman. And to do something, and so that it still works?
But there have been cases. One of them entered the annals of the KPI, and, what is most offensive, it is no longer possible to see this stand (they say that Grandfather Magnet burned it in a particularly vile ritual manner). It was a stand with the villagers. Selsin - such a device, roughly speaking, transmitting the angle of rotation through the wires, due to the magnetic properties of the windings into which their cores are inserted, and consists of two large round knobs. When turning one of them, the second one should turn at exactly the same angle - to measure accuracy, a special scale was applied on the handles. A group of students, as an indulgence, started a similar device and brought it to the exam. My grandfather happily turned on the device, hidden in a terrible size iron box, into the network, and there was a characteristic hum.
“Power is 60 watts,” said one student. The grandfather nodded happily, but noted with concern:
- And not much?
The students said with a smile:
- Nothing. Will not burn. Selsin worked just super: when turning one knob, the second one came into motion, and, having delayed, turned exactly at the same angle. Students received a "five", and a year later left the institute. A year later, when about 150 students already passed laboratory work on this “selsyn”, the “selsyn” stopped working.
Grandfather said:
“Probably, the contact went away,” and, taking a screwdriver, for the first time took off a healthy iron casing. Under the casing, he opened an interesting picture. It turned out that the arms of the selsyn on long pulleys were inserted into well-oiled bearings, and were interconnected by a string with an elastic band and a spring, due to which the "selsyn" produced such uneven, but always precise movements. And the "power" wire through the transformer applied voltage to the electromagnet, which pulled out a small screw screwed on a spring in the core of one of the selsyns, thus removing the "lock" from it so that the selsyns could "work." Grandpa Magnet was shocked. Since then, he has always been wary of stands given by students ...
First or not?
I was once in one office and watched the following story.
The girl secretary was baking the manager:
- Sasha, admit, you were the first to be with your wife?
He is silent.
- So first or not?
He is silent.
- Sasha, well, say, the first or not the first?
Then another manager comes in, having heard only the last sentence and thought that the conversation is about a client, and says:
- The first is not the first, God forbid, not the last.
Sasha was offended ...
What are you buying for a penny?
One of our group-mate Mikhalych was distinguished by originality and it was not clear why women liked him. Once, during a break between lectures on the porch of the institute, where all the students went to smoke, he found somewhere a penny and began to ask everyone what he should do with it. Someone told him that with such money you could not buy a donut hole. As if on purpose, a young saleswoman of sweets stood not far away. In her assortment were bagels. Without hesitation, Mikhalych approached her, handed him a penny and demanded:
- Girl, sell the hole!
To this she slightly reddened answered with a question:
- Which one?
General laughter interrupted the development of events ...
Are you here?
We had a subject on the third course - the structure of matter. Chemists need it, like a cow's eggs, so they treated him pretty cool. Most still managed to pass the test for free, but some particularly gifted were unlucky. For example, two comrades studied, one of whom passed it seven times, and the second 11 (eleven). When they passed on the seventh time, the session was already under way, and the rite took place in the teacher’s lab. The first one was picked up pretty quickly, went out into the corridor and began to expect a partner. Suddenly the teacher leaves the room, notices the poor man and says:
- Are you here? Perfectly! Let's take the record! - puts offset and explains:
- You see, there your friend is carrying that you, compared with him, are simply Lomonosovs!
River, forest, tent
My relative to the north of the city of Serov served and in parts of them passed this story from generation to generation. Part 1. Flew somehow An-2 (like - to a higher authority - read for vodka). Not far away - along the tundra for 100 versts. More than once the crew traveled this route, knew the road well, did not need a map - and did not take it. And two more features: the An-2 was a wreck, apparently only for flying vodka at PMU and was used. In general, altimeters on it did not work in life, the history is silent about the presence of radio communications. The second feature - it was in the fall, just before the snow. The weather is unstable ... In general, flew there without any problems. We flew back with a strong headwind along the route (a significant detail - the wind rose after takeoff).
Clouds of some kind appeared - I had to climb higher.
By the time it seems time to fly - they have dropped, come out under the clouds, fly and marvel - they have never had such a landscape in these places - the river is not small, and along the banks is _les_ (!) (The tundra should actually have been). Slowed down to almost landing speed, flying along the river (good at the same time) and trying to navigate. Вдруг видят - на берегу реки палатка стоит. Красивая такая - оранжевая, шатром... Решили снизиться - разглядеть получше.
Часть 2. Выбрались из-под перевернувшегося самолета - ходят вокруг - ничего понять не могут. Стали бродить вокруг - ручей течет, карликовый лес растет и огромный (бывают они такие на севере, сам видел) подосиновик на берегу.
Оранжевый такой, шатром... А впереди по ходу, метрах в 300, знакомый такой заборчик из колючки, тот самый, что вокруг летного поля...
Неприступная англичанка
У нас на курсе учился один парень, звать Леха - зачем-то перевелся к нам, математикам, с физфака, причем с понижением на два курса. А поскольку он еще и успел в армии отслужить, до того как студентов забирать перестали - был он нас, соответственно, старше на все четыре. И вот как-то он является на какую-то лекцию (что вообще-то с ним случалось чрезвычайно редко) и рассказывает, давясь от смеха, что с ним вчера произошло. Собрались, значит, Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения... Нет, сначала два слова о Леночке. В середине семестра наша старая англичанка, Заслуженная Грымза СССР, ушла на пенсию и вместо нее нам пришла вести занятие юная блондинка, только-только закончившая Иняз. На вид ей нельзя было дать и 18-ти, хотя она явно должна была быть старше нас на несколько лет - в общем, никакой дисциплины ей наладить не удалось, народ вообще перестал ходить на английский (за исключением нескольких ребят, которые напрасно мечтали завести с Леночкой более близкое знакомство). Так вот, собрались Лехины бывшие одноклассники на чей-то день рождения. В том числе и вышеупомянутая Леночка. Народ ее начинает расспрашивать - как, мол, дела, учительница-мучительница? Она отвечает: мол, плохи дела, студенты на занятия не ходят, а наш Лешенька - вы ведь знаете, что он все еще учится? - так вот, он у меня в группе, и он вообще за весь семестр ни разу не появился! И тут с некоторым опозданием заявляется Леха.
- Ну, что, вечный студет, как учеба? - начинают над ним подтрунивать одноклассники, которые все уже закончили институт.
- Да ничего, зачеты сдаю, - отвечает Леха.
- И много ли сдал?
- Все, кроме английского.
- А что ж так?
- Да я на нем ни разу не был, так что даже и не знаю, как быть.
- А кто ведет-то у вас?
- Да какая-то Леночка. Говорят, молоденькая и симпатишная.
Народ начинает давиться от сдерживаемого хохота. Леночка краснеет.
- Ну, дык попробуй подкатиться к ней, ты у нас парень видный, - советуют "добрые" одноклассники: дело в том, что Леха еще в школе пытался завести шашни с той самой Леночкой, но увы и фиг вам.
- Да у нас парни пытались к ней подкатиться, да, говорят, она всех отшила, гордая такая, - произносит Леха, и в этот момент все присутствующие просто падают на пол, не в силах больше сдерживать смех. А красная, как рак, Леночка произносит язвительно:
- Ладно уж, Лешенька, так и быть, поставлю я тебе зачет!

Данила и стиральная машина
Работал я в одном южном городе на военном заводе. Был на заводе прекрасный малярный участок. Как на любом заводе, у нас был транспортный цех, грузчики и т. п. Предприятие маленькое, все друг друга знают. Приятельствовал я с водителем одним, дядей Ваней звали, он мне в отцы годился.
Отношения добрые. И был среди грузчиков у нас совершенный такой "даун". Ни бэ, ни мэ, но метра 2 с лишним. Как звали не помню, но кликали Данилой. Надо сказать, что дядя Ваня жил в собственном доме. Как-то один сосед попросил дядю Ваню нашего покрасить у нас на заводе стиральную машинку.
Круглая такая. Старая, облезлая. Дядя Ваня ее на завод привез, бабушки постарались, выкрасили молотковой эмалью, высушили - красота, сверкает как новая. Ну, попросил дядя Ваня меня помочь до дому довезти. Работал он на бортовом ЗИЛ-130. Я залез в кузов, аккуратно принял машинку, положил бережно, на дно кузова на брезент, и чтобы не поцарапалась (блестит на солнце), завернул в тот же брезент. Сел рядом придерживать на ходу. Дядя Ваня берет этого Данилу. Тот счастлив, что с работы свалил, хоть куда. Приезжаем. Машина останавливается, дядя Ваня выходит, открывает калитку во двор и сам идет к следующей. В это время я передаю с максимальными предосторожностями машинку Даниле. Он кладет ее себе на плечи за голову и идет за дядей Ваней. Дядя Ваня краем глаза увидев, что Данила за ним поплелся, поворачивается к нему. Данила предвосхищая ответ дяди Вани, спрашивает: куда ее? (машинка на плечах!). Дядя Ваня небрежно махнув рукой и отворачиваясь:
- Да, закинь ее воон в тот двор.
Тут же руки Данилы, как пружины разгибаются, машинка (сверкающая, переливающаяся на солнце новой краской), летит через забор высотой примерно 1,80, и со скрежетом падает где-то на грядках во дворе соседа. Все происходит в доли секунды. Немая сцена: дядя Ваня поворачивается на шелест летящей через забор стиральной машины; я стоя в кузове надрываю живот в беззвучном смехе (чето в глотке заклинило, челюсти сводит); прохожие, ничего не видевшие крутят пальцем у виска; Данила стоит с тупой ухмылкой на лице, улыбаясь от сознания выполненного долга! Дядя Ваня соображает, и не верит своим глазам. Через минуту крик, мат в три этажа. Пара минут, и некоторое затишье. Пошли в огород посмотреть, что с машинкой. Вытащили с грядок из грязи, посмотрели, и у меня опять челюсти свело. Слезы из глаз... Ободрана, низ квадратный. Пинали ногами минут пять, что-бы круглую форму придать. Добились мятого эдакого подобия эллипса. Дядя Ваня бросил ее в сердцах, порываясь Данилке нашему неразумному в нос заехать. Плюнул, и мы поехали обратно, в кабине. До работы все 20 минут езды ор, мат, чуть не рукоприкладство. Here is a story. Немножко грустная для дяди вани. Ведь он вперед магарыч пузырьком взял. Я, конечно, получил массу положительных эмоций...
Где была?
Был у одной девушки любовник. Эта девушка его периодически посещала, а он затем довозил ее на мотоцикле за остановку до дому. Затем она садилась на троллейбус и доезжала до дому - конспирация. И вот однажды возвращается она домой поддатая, а муж ее спрашивает: - Где была? Жена: - На работе...
- Нет, я спрашиваю - ты где была?
- На работе, ну, подумаешь, чуть выпила - у подруги день рождения был...
- Врешь. Ты на чем домой приехала?
- На троллейбусе.
- А почему тогда в каске?!..
Подругам она потом рассказывала, что люди в троллейбусе на нее как-то странно смотрели, а она думала, что у нее юбка слишком короткая и всю дорогу ее поправляла.

Был у нас водитель, он же плотник, он же столяр, он же сантехник и т. д. И вот однажды закупили мы пару новых кресел, идентичных уже имеющимся. Он взялся за их сборку.
Но возникли какие-то вопросы, для решения коих он решил посмотреть, каким образом это делалось на уже собранном кресле. На кресле в этот момент сидела Юля. И предложила для удобства осмотра свою помощь, а именно: встать и отойти от кресла. На помощь водитель не согласился, попросил не беспокоиться и, встав на колени, изящно изогнул свой корпус и голова его, блещущая благородной сединой (да, он был немолод), оказалась под сиденьем Юлиного кресла. Несколько минут он там задумчиво пыхтел, а потом выдал результат осмотра:
- Я что-то не пойму: дырки две, а штырь один...
Юля мужественно перенесла это открытие. Но объяснять ничего не стала. Everything.
Ядра - чистый изумруд
Гостил у своих друзей в Торонто, и пошли мы в какой-то китайский ресторанчик. Покушали, и в конце нам принесли десерт - орешки. А что-то речь зашла о Пушкине, то да се, я беру орешек с блюдца и цитирую незабвенное: "Ядра - чистый изумруд". На меня тут же вылупляются две пары глаз:
- Ты - какой изумруд?
Ездил я на 4 дня в Москву. Если бы вы знали, как достают эти российско-украинские таможни. Приехал я с одним дипломатом в руках, чем и вызывал подозрение у всех таможенных служб. В дипломате как и положено - зонтик, зубная щетка, бритва и инструменты для обжима сетевых проводов. Если кто не знает - это такие клещи со специальными зажимами и ножами очень внушительного вида. Каждая из 4-х (!) таможен считала своим долгом перевернуть дипломат дном наизнанку, ткнуть пальцем в клещи и спросить: - Что ЭТО?!
Первые два раза я был предельно честен, обьяснив не только предназначение странного предмета, но и принцип действия. На третьей по счету таможне я не выдержал, сказав "ЭТО - новейший в стоматологии инструмент, предназначенный для удаления зубов без наркоза". К моему величайшему удивлению, это прошло не хуже первых двух ответов и даже вызвало бурю одобрительных эмоций. Сам еле сдержался от смеха, пытаясь мысленно представить "безболезненное" удаление зуба этим предметом.