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My Blog: jokes funny jokes


The last task
There was once a very colorful teacher - Gosha B. On it, students laid down many legends based on real stories. Here's one of them. The student Gaucher is renting. Passes an hour, hands over two. Gosh has it with might (he loved this business ;-), the student already falls from the ass from the ears and from the ears. In general, he fights for three for quite some time. Finally, Gosha decided to put an end to this business: "He decides to solve the problem," he says. "I'm letting go with the cadet, you can not decide-I went to retake." And he leaves somewhere. Returns in half an hour. It should be noted here that Goshi's memory was not very good. Yes, and a lot of students, just do not remember. - Well, how? - Asks Gosh. Well, the student says to him: - Okay, I did not solve your problem. Put me a four. So a happy student with a quads and gone!
Newspaper ads
There are, after all, ads in the newspapers ... here are some that you especially like: B. / u. Snowboard Burton Air, mounts, boots. Please circle this ad in a circle that would stand out from the crowd. I'm selling a boat. The text is the same as in the previous issue. Hello! I'm a little BMW from Podberezovka. Take me away from here! Or exchange for a diesel car. Buy video recorder Salora SV 6900 with remote control, or just DU, my dog ​​believes that it is very delicious. Sold Fiat Ritmo-88, horrible, disgusting, nightmare of all retirees! Get rid of this machine, would have passed and a headache. Help the person - bring a pair of handkerchiefs, cry together. Technical inspection is completed, itd and so on ... Price: 3000 or change to 85000 tablets of aspirin. Sold out male chinchilla, 8 months, urgently; the dog thinks that this is her snack, agrees to exchange, offer anything! I sell the JVC tape recorder, half-disassembled, for spare parts, the whole columns, the radio in general works, only the sound is not audible, the cassette worked until the tape recorder was dismantled.
Historian of the Party
There was a lecturer at the MGIMO - a Party historian, an old Stalinist, who probably had to adhere to the Party's current view of its history. Once, at a lecture, telling about Stalin's "excesses" and blaming everything, of course, of Beria, the Stalin head of the state security bodies, he gave out literally the following: -Beria wanted to put his organs over the party and the government.
Where to put port?
Was at the birthday of one girl. Despite the banging of 24, it looks like a pioneer: two ponytails, a thin voice, eye-catching blue-blue, ect. Before the final dish (sponge cake, mmmm ... I was called to the kitchen. "Because of the giant cookbook, the aforementioned braids stick out and you can hear a purr:" So, lemon peel, hmm-hmm, powder, egg, mr-mr, PORTVEYN. Port ... Listen, go, if not in the void, eh? .. - Yes! - Who can stand before the blue-blue gaze? I throw my jacket, prus in the supermarket, buy a bottle, with a pomp I deliver to the kitchen. The cake is almost ready. "" So, two tablespoons of port wine to stir with ... "and suddenly, lowering the Talmud:" Listen! "And it does not say where to put the rest of the port !!! Do you think we coped with this problem? ..
Counterweight
Was on a business trip in Barnaul. I liked one store. The hours (children's) are standing in the form of a hare. The dial on the belly, the rabbit shakes his head. And where is the counterweight? As where - between the legs: carrot in a hanging dangle! PS There were also other animals, everyone had something between his legs dangling.
Hochma from the notary
The work of the assistant to a notary has its own Hochma. The most fun - applications with permission to leave the child abroad. Our parents are our pride ... 1. A young couple comes to make out a statement. I ask: who the child, the son or the daughter? Simultaneously happy spouses say, father: - Son. Mother: - Daughter A silent scene, the husband slowly turns to his wife, looks at her for a long time, then very surprised: - So you have a daughter, too ?! 2. Again, the statement. There is a man. I ask: - What year of a birth of the child. A man scratches his turnip: - Like 1995. I'm sitting, typing. Comes: - No, perhaps, 1994. Leaves, then again appears: - Wait, but can I call my wife? - You are welcome. He calls, he tells his mother for a long time what kind of child he really means, then he decides for another three minutes, what his age is. We decided. In short, leaving, the peasant pleadingly asks: - And if all the same wrong, it will be possible to correct? 3. The same statement. A woman comes, gives a birth certificate of a child. I print, I give her the finished text for verification. Comes: - You here have typed the name of the child of Almenia, and her name is Elmina. I'm surprised, like everything should be in order, I look at the certificate, there it is written in Russian: - Almenia. I show her. She silently looks into him, then into the statement, then again ... After a minute she finally says: "Eli, and we've been calling her since Elmina's childhood." 4. The most common mistake of the client: - Hello, I want to write a power of attorney for the child. - You know, this is called a statement - No, I [the kind uncle] said that I must trust the child! - No, this form is called a statement! - No, I need a power of attorney. - [tired, gloomy], well, and to whom do you trust him? - [rather and joyfully] Vasya Pupkin - [spitefully] and you have a power of attorney with the right to sell or only for use? [mute scene] The contract is a funny thing in its own way, but there are few such curiosities. 5. The grandfather of five hundred years comes, says: - I want to assure the treaty! He gives me a notebook, where it is written about the following: "Khachu give my apartment where I live now my grandson Vasya Pupkin, my son-in-law is a tree and will obezhaet me." Further all in the same spirit. He asks us to just put a seal ... It's sad, but funny.
Babies
As you know, older men like different women. Blondes and brunettes. Chubby pampushki and creatures are skinny, like a Russian greyhound.
Beauties and just wow. The variety of men's requests is completely covered by the variety of species and subspecies of the intelligent human females, but there is among this diversity a small flaming island.
I hasten to disappoint you - the creatures found on this island, discovered and described by one great scientist and poetically named by him "nymphets", will not be the subject of our conversation with you.
And everyone who wants to taste the disastrous charm of these immortal demons in the guise of little girls can simply turn to the great book that they must have read or at least looked at one of the two horrible film adaptations, because personally I hardly imagine an adult human being at the turn of the last two millennia , who would not have heard about who Lolita is. Repeat this name, the compositor, until the page ends.
We, the quiet, law-abiding citizens, who most of all read the criminal code, leave philological biology alone and simply state the fact: very young girls who are "almost undressed" in almost any suit and configuration have a fantastic ability to deprive adult men of reason, money and peace of mind . We even leave these girls with their unintentional childhood, let them grow up, get a passport, finish school. And maybe even go to college.
And only then - only then! - We turn to them their biased male attention. But even then, we will remember all the time that they are, in fact, quite children, despite their cheekily long legs and defiantly short skirts, vulgar ambition, the stupid desire to be adults (in ten years they will understand that an adult means , old, but it will be, alas, irrevocably late) and ... And we will not do them any harm. Let them grow.
Mother's daughter
Swan neck, gazelle eyes, pigeon temper. Friable hair, who did not know any Parisian dyes, nor American hair curlers. Maybe even a thick braid before the round priests, but this if you are already very lucky. Touchingly tangled in her own limbs, she adores cakes "baskets" and from too closely gaze slowly poured spotted fiery paint - from small transparent ears and ending with a small but very promising chest, Fortunately, and does not know about its real price. Till.
STATUS. Applicant.
PRIKID. Quietly wears half-dresses in the waist, sun-flared skirts and shoes on the carnations - in short, everything that her own mother dressed up in a nostalgically distant youth. At the same time - despite everything - it manages to look unbearably sexy. HOBBY. Literature. Music. History. Art.
IDOL. Anna Akhmatova.
How to HUMBLE. As though by the way, it is said that "Ada" - contrary to the opinion of Updike and Vonnegut - seems to you much more temporal than the "Pale Flame". At all attempts of the little girl to somehow develop and continue the fascinating discussion, one should respond with a demonic grin and a phrase: "Here you will grow up, then we'll talk."
WHAT TO GIFT. The kitten. You can toy.
WHERE TO DRIVE. To the theatre.
WHICH BOYS LIKE IT. Clever and sublime.
SEX. Well, if you consider sex as secret shaking of sweaty girl's hands (in the midst of another premiere) and a chaste kiss in the flaming cheek (under the arches of your own entrance) ...
But seriously, it's better not even to worry, mate. As long as you sigh, sigh and are afraid of insulting an innocent child with a careless touch, an undeveloped youth of the most vile kind will inevitably appear on the arena and without a twinge of conscience destroy a honey hive over which you have been trembling for so long and reverently.
PROBLEMS. Mom forbids her to talk for a long time on the phone and leave the house after the program "Good night, kids." WHAT WILL GROW. Blue stocking. Or an amazing bitch of the highest class.
RISK. You can not only fall in love in the most fatal way, but one day even pripiretsya to the girl home with a bouquet and the most stupid expression of a person - to make a match.
EXIT. Spit on everything and priudarite for her mother. She, by the way, is also somewhere else.
STATUS. Pateushnitsa.
PRIKID. An enchanted skirt made of artificial leather, an acid-colored tank top and indispensable black tights with an unappetizing darning in the vicinity of the charming buttocks.
HOBBI. Anasha.
IDOL. Vovan named Begemot from the local OPG.
How to HUMBLE. Treat a cigarette with a filter and ride on a cool wheelbarrow.
WHAT TO GIFT. Five bucks.
WHERE TO DRIVE. In the glass.
WHICH BOYS LIKE IT. Steep.
SEX. Dangerous. Young enterprising stuff is quite capable of rewarding you with anything, so do not forget to use condoms. Better just two.
PROBLEMS. Will put your Behemoth on you and your company.
WHAT WILL GROW. Station bix.
RISK. Can easily buy you not only gonorrhea, but also clonidine.
This is all that follows.
EXIT. Never communicate with the children of the dungeon.
Shtuchka
Not that very good, but very young right up to spasms in the chest. Touchingly tries to follow the fashionable advice of all glossy magazines at once, therefore a bit like a village fool, only very chisty and fragrant. Primarily uneducated and naive, although if all the efforts that she is making to be on the level, to channel in the right direction, another Maria Sklodowska-Curie will appear to the world. At the same time it is quite adult in practice, it is easy to handle large amounts and absolutely seriously believes that a man who does not have money is not a person.
STATUS. Fashionable girl.
PRIKID. Jacket from Tommy Nilfiger skirt from MoscNino, checkered tights Wolford, denim boots Casadei Jeans Le Carains, sweater from D & G jacket from DKNY and dress from Emrorio Armam. All this is embroidered on one another embroidered with beads, bugles, bell-shaped, rolling, ringing and shimmering. In one word - Otpad. And full.
HOBBY. Hangouts.
IDOL. Jean-Paul Gaultier.
How to HUMBLE. Slam the Bentley door, take a look at the Patek RNiirr watches famously click the Cartier lighter and tastefully tighten a cigarette "Belomor"
Such crumbs are quite capable of appreciating all the charm of stylish social contrasts.
WHAT TO GIFT. Watch the Tank from Cartier.
WHERE TO DRIVE. In night clubs
WHICH BOYS LIKE IT. Wealthy.
SEX. Everything should be slow and beautiful, like in a very bad movie. As a result, the voluptuous unbuttoning of lightning, picture embraces, prolonged kisses and other grimaces and jumps you will take so much time and effort that the process itself will remain about fifteen seconds. However, the girl, worried solely by the fact that she did not have time to see the brand of your underwear, hardly ever notice that you are embarrassed.
PROBLEMS. It is necessary to remember all the time what shoes are put on a tuxedo and which ones - for breakfast.
WHAT WILL GROW. A faithful spouse and a virtuous mother. Strange as it may seem.
RISK. One day you will realize with horror that you are turning into the protagonist of an endless and stupid commercial. EXIT. Do not forget to turn off the TV.
Unisex
Ruffled bangs, a small stubborn jaw, a stretchy fifty-sixth size T-shirt and ugly baggy pants. He smokes like a domestic hooligan, swears like a repeater, drives rollerblades (skate, surf, bike, wheelbarrow, etc.) - like a real boy. But under ugly teenage rags the narrow waist waits patiently, the snub-nosed chest and charming, the whole fiery, velvet, hollow girlish tummy waits patiently. The main thing is not to confuse the crumb with her frostbitten friend.
STATUS. A dirty head.
PRIKID. Foolish. All rough, clumsy, heavy, five sizes larger, what it takes, and even sticks out one from under the other, like the leaves of young shaggy cabbage.
HOBBY. Extreme.
IDOL. Schumacher and Anton Komolov with MTV.
How to HUMBLE. Shake the old days and show the kid how to coin the ball from two legs. A hundred times in a row. Or even one hundred and ten.
WHAT TO GIFT. A real mountain bike.
WHERE TO DRIVE. There, where they run, jump and shoot.
WHICH BOYS LIKE IT. Sports.
SEX. Perhaps even group, because a small animal is used to live in a schooling life and share their joys and problems with other young people.
PROBLEMS. Given the strange manner in which girls dress, some conservative friends start suspecting you of a secret homosexual.
WHAT WILL GROW. A physical education teacher in high school.
RISK. Trying to prove to the nimble little girl that the old horse also knows how to fly a paraglider and dive for twelve meters without scuba gear, not for long to get a heart attack. The real one is the myocardium.
EXIT. Watch your pulse and weight. Just in case.

GIRLS ON THE NOTE.
Do you doubt what your new friend has, not a penis, just a character? And what are his secret attachments? I'll have to watch him in love games: what he whispers in your ear, how he touches your chest. Finally, what pose prefers and how to behave in this case. He does not even suspect that at this moment your whole gaze opens its gaze, as if on an X-ray photograph. << Create a pose and have a character to sustain it >>, Daniel Harms said.
<< Sandwich maker >>
Favorite pose: classical, << missionary >>: he is on top, you are from below. He likes to crush you with the whole mass when you are in a horizontal position on the back. In general, you get a typical "sandwich", where between his body and bed you are "stuffing". He, maybe, does not realize it himself, but it excites him, ch that it is he from above, which means he rules the ball. In this case, he usually strives to bite the lobe of your ear or kiss a passionate kiss on your neck. Diagnosis. If nonsense, like a rabbit, quickly gets pleasure and falls off, it means that he is terribly jealous, greedy and inclined to receive momentary pleasures and generally a bad lover. He has frequent headaches, a sore back, he smokes a lot, is prone to drinking, his idols coach Romantsev with a cigarette-pacifier and Jim Carrey. If he moves slowly, he sighs noisily and sweats a lot, and you do not know where to go any more, if only sooner it will end, this is a problematic copy, unsure of himself. You will not wait for it with words so necessary for girls, like: "I'm fine with you, mouse" or cool: "baby, and you're cool." He is not capable of feats and experiments.
<< The dog >>
Favorite position: << doggy style >> or << Roman horse >>. << Dog >> or << horse >> it's you, of course. And he is a "dog" or "tamer". You're trying to saddle him, and he's trying to get behind him. Probably, it whips you on the buttocks and pulls by the hair every now and then. Diagnosis. If he "loves" strictly << back and forth >>, with force, silently and severely, like Suvorov, who decided to bomb the enemy at any cost, hold on! Before you (or rather behind you) is a dangerous person with a past. This type is important kaif from << victory >>: the partner is defeated on all fours. But at the same time, he can truly love his << doggy >> with his whole "kobelinoy" soul. So to love, that the living of his love fetters will not break out any more. Another lover of this pose is a romanticist, adoring variations on the theme of "turning his hips," moving them to the right and left, waving his hands, waving his wings, singing, say, "Ave Maria". This may turn out to be a curious character for communication, but a coward, trembling with the thought that one must look into the eyes of a girl if she finds herself face to face with her. He loves to do "it" often, with different girls. A sort of collector of female asses that are "silent", unlike eyes and lips. It's easier. A romantic does not like difficulties, runs away from responsibility. He eats chocolate, drinks strong drinks, plays in a casino.
<< Esthete >>
Favorite position. There may be several of them, but they are all from an unimaginable balancing act with a bunch of different accompanying intricacies. That is all, except traditional preferences. When sexual contact begins to twist you in << knots >>, tries to put him in a pose << lotus >>, stretch to twine, arranges existential sexual experiences. Diagnosis. As a rule, this is an esthete, yearning for tantra, listening to alternative music, often not knowing what he wants in life. Yes, perhaps, only one departure from boredom, tradition and sincerity. Because he is incredibly self-centered, vain and ambitious. The center of his universe is himself. You decide to stay with him do not expect care and attention and be ready to fulfill his whims, including sexual ones. The only advantage is the incredible cleanliness.
<< The trainer >>
Favorite position: << Cat on the tree >>. That is, love is "on weight": you are both standing, you are hanging on it, wrapping it around your waist with your feet. He picks up you, hangs on you and begins to move with force. He does it violently, screams like Tarzan (real, not the one that the child's father is Natasha Koroleva). Can do this in a large mirror to admire yourself. Yes, yes, first of all. And then you, if you are perfectly composed. Diagnosis. Crazy Narcissus. Most often such are engaged in bodybuilding, fitness, tennis. And the bodybuilders are people with complexes, being first dissatisfied with themselves, then too in love with themselves due to bulging muscles. He is incredibly polygamous, can not enjoy one or two girls, he certainly needs a dozen or two and certainly beauties. He will force you to hug the apartment with your nude photos, tell him a lot of compliments, eat with him his protein foods needed by bodybuilders. He listens to heavy rock, Zemfira, does not drink alcohol and does not smoke. This is, perhaps, a plus. But from constant loads on the lower back, due to the fact that he prefers the "cat" position, a friend may have problems with the spine, he may suffer from constipation.
<< Pretzel >>
Favorite position: on the side. He turns you on his side, lies down behind, cuddles up and "puts it" in the bends of your body. It turns out to be a "pretzel" or
<< Kalachik >>, as anyone. Almost the same can be if he turns you to his face. He enjoys slow and deep penetration into you, tightly embraces, whispers something. Diagnosis. He was accustomed to warm pies and soft house slippers, a measured rhythm of life, so that everyone could come to him on time, and in sexual contact everything was predictable. Type mama's son or boring wife. Tedious, like Karl Marx at the time of working on "Capital." If fate destroys you, you will be provided with a life << by Capital >> hours >> with a rare sex on its side.
<< Universal >>
Favorite pose: That's it! He is unique: nahrapist, like a hussar, and courteous, like an aristocrat; rude and gentle; impudent and shy, unpredictable. Diagnosis. It is such a man a universal lover. His main predilection is bringing pleasure to the beloved woman. He will satisfy her and not forget about himself. What kind of pose is the tenth thing for him? So if he likes, he will go for you for any sacrifice. True, for a long time it is hardly enough: there are so many objects for worship
Missing Rights
I'm going from Berdsk, home to my native Novosib, I smoke, I listen to music, they stop me on a lousy hill, I do not care, all the documents are in order, my mood is good, I go out-I say to the messenger:
- TRANSLATION!
I start to get documents. Power of attorney, certificate of registration of vehicles, insurance .... RIGHTS. Wait, where are they? Pass through the pockets, the second pass, more convulsive ... No. The brain tries to remember, but it does not work. WHERE? Milzoner rejoices, but as always does not show it, sighs, shifts from foot to foot. I dial my wife, I ask her if she sees the rights on the table, she says that she does not, AND REMEMBER, a couple of days ago went to the skating rink, rented skates, left the pledge of the right-he did not take it. Next, as always, the parking lot, fine, shcha go, your suggestions, 200, the protocol in hand, mnem piece of paper, 400, UUUU, nuuuu, 500. OK! In the morning - to the skating rink, there are no aunts from the hire, there is an uncle, I got a problem, I told him that he skated for 500 rubles, he laughed. We found the keys, looked for it - no, he calls the aunt from the rental office, she says that she did not see any rights in the eyes, I ask the key question:
- Where do you usually put the pledge, to your table or in a bag with shoes?
Answer:
- No, not in the package, we put it directly in the shoes ...
Secondary delay ... I take off my right shoe. The uncle's eyes are so big (he did not hear what she told me on the phone). I take out of the boot right ... OUT!
Gentlemen of motorists REMEMBER that the lost rights must not only pockets fumble, they can be in the most interesting places! I stand before this bastard, he breeds me, and the rights - in his shoe ...

Signboards
My husband told me. Once he was looking for some office, it was necessary for work, and therefore paid attention to the signs. And now, there is a building, all signs hung closely to each other. In it there is a wide double door, each of which, apparently, led to its office. Above the left leaf bright letters were written "INTIM". Red in black. Above the right wing modestly adorned the "Lombard".
The general impression is "Intim-pawnshop". I wonder what values ​​can be passed there?

Shedding tram
Most recently I was on a tram. The day was after the holiday of some, I can not remember exactly. We drive and here, passing the turn, the tram brakes sharply. The first door opens and the conductor runs out and then everyone watches the conductor run into the tram car, but with a huge sidewall from the tram. Further all went hardly constraining a smile on the face.

The final instance
For several years now I have been (with God's help) an adviser to the Rostov Diocese on computer matters. A kind-hearted person, clever and exceptional talent, serving the endelary LP with reverent awe refers to his computer and is ready to pray for him.
I taught her how to use it, and she works confidently, but she can not panic the fear of technology. For every trifle she calls me and I, in a voice full of despair and anxiety, complain about "catastrophic problems". I always have to answer with the words:
"Lovely LP, let's calm down and sort out in order: what happened, what you did and what you need to do."
After calling today, as usual, LP began to complain pitifully. Today paper in the printer has jammed and it can not be extracted. - Can not? I already told you how to act in this case. What did you do?
- I lifted the lid and for more courage I did not have enough.
"Then what?"
- I called Father Alexander, but he could not take it out.
- I sympathize. Then what?
- I paid my prayer to Nikolai the Savior.
- And it did not help ?!
- Alas, no, God forgive me.
"Then what."
- Then I decided to disturb you ...

Preparation of dumplings
My friend named Duke studied in Minsk University, he had a fellow-Negro. In the first year they became friends, they lived in neighboring blocks in the hostel.
Once tormented by a permanent feeling of hunger, Duke heard a knock and went to open the door. Behind the door was you know who - the proverbial black man (can not remember his name). He said:
- Sasha, I bought this Russian dish - pi ... pilmeni. But I do not know how to prepare them.
Obscured by friendly sympathy and gastric juices, Duke joyfully dragged the Negro into the kitchen with a pack of pelmeni.
- Look. We take a saucepan, pour half the water, water a little bit of salt and put it on the fire. As soon as the water boils, we throw pelmeni.
Everything was executed exactly.
- Now, when pelmeni are covered, we must watch: those pel'menis that will float, catch and throw here in this plate. It's bad. After 10 minutes, the remaining at the bottom are ready for use.
The instructions were carried out, and a dozen ravioli appeared on the plate. Approximately the same amount left in the pan. A black friend made a bid to assign the spoiled dumplings to the garbage disposal, but obsessed with international solidarity and internally hungry Duke cried out:
- No! Let me carry it to me on the way, and you do not need my supervision any more.

Erasers Today two new Madam accountants were hired.
Maybe as accountants they are good, but as PC users it's just horror. Essence: in the tax gave a floppy disk with the program.
At the end of the month, the accounting department must submit all the reports on the forms from that diskette to the tax one. And the old files from the floppy disk to erase. I bring the literal text from the help file from the tax disk: "... the files for the past (past) month must be deleted (deleted) from the floppy disk with the Delete key". Imagine my surprise when I saw on the table all the scratched diskette and keyboard without the Delete key.
R. s. Tomorrow you will have to go and buy / install the modem, otherwise they will "erase" something there; -)

Radio listening
This history, they say, took place for about ... years ago in the military hospital of the glorious city of Yekaterinburg, where either the treatment, or one young lieutenant, got to the prevention. Well, about how "chic" comfortable wards in our medical institutions (and even in those distant times) - you can not speak, you do not have a TV or radio - boring ... However, as you know, "the goal is fiction" - and one day, after reading all the available printed editions from cover to cover, and gradually falling into anguish incredible, with nothing to do, a young man discovered an interesting feature of an ordinary Soviet electric shaver - if it is plugged into a power outlet (I will not say exactly what : normal or radio), then you can successfully transmission mother native radio station "Mayak". This is behind this meaningful occupation (the electric razor is attached to the ear, the expression on the face is frowning), and the attending physician found the lieutenant and, naturally, asked a completely legitimate question:
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
To which immediately received no less logical answer:
- I'm listening to the radio ...
Silent scene ... Then the young man suddenly remembered, intercepting the doctor's anxious-guarded gaze: "Doctor, just do not think what ... Here, take it, listen to it yourself and pass the shaver to the doctor." He puts it to his ear, but, as a sin, in the transmission of a pause, whether before the signals of the exact time, or something else, well, it does not matter ..., in a word - SILENCE ...
- Taaaaaaak ... Ho-ro-choooooo ...
- said the doctor, giving the patient a razor ...
And then there was the circus, for a long time it was necessary for the unfortunate lieutenant to prove that he was not a camel, but they said that everything ended quite well, only for a long time this bike went around the garrison ...

Presentation
Fun from a festive evening at my workplace. For the explanation I will say. that our company is mainly engaged in the development of accounting software, ... The presentation section shows its performance. At the end of it comes on the scene a certain lady depicting a new version of the program. I hear behind my back a whisper of programmers:
- God forbid the program will be the same terrible ...
Hearing this, one of the girls standing next to the dealer department consoles them:
- Nothing, the main thing is that the same sales was ...
Then the drunk made itself felt and I lay down ...

The arrogant red cat
I was once in Moscow on business and we went with my friend to the Vagankovskoye cemetery. We went to Vysotsky, well, and then we go to the alley. And we observe in the middle of the avenue of a huge red cat. He lay down, was shivering under the spring sun, pleased with life. They began to scratch the cat, well, so he fell away altogether, turned over on his back, put his paunch up, legs stick out like a star in the sea. We talked with him and went on. And we see: three dogs are coming towards us along the avenue.
They saw a cat lying still upstairs, one of the dogs choked, like:
- And who here pi # dyuley?
And they immediately went to a gallop. The cat reacted instantly, with one jump turned to his feet and ducked behind the fence of the nearest grave. A second later, in the place where the cat was just blessed, there were dogs. They braked forward with their paws. We even thought that we hear a squeal of brakes and smell the burning rubber. Sharply turned around, the dogs rushed around the fence, two on one side, the third with the other. They rushed there, stamped, swore, and then ... A cat came out from behind the fence. He looked over his shoulder and it was written on his face:
- Well, all right, guys, you play here, but it's time for me, I have business. BUT NON-SUCCESSFUL!
And this insolent harya is not there, he did not run away, he LEFT along the avenue, it is important and unhurried. And the dogs continued to scour the fence ...

Leshy There was, and maybe even now lives in Akadem (Novosibirsk) such a person - Leshiy. Edakii, you know, a wisecracker is self-taught. He always looked grim. But with a sense of humor all right. So that's the story about him.
I must say that in the hostel, intimate life is a very conventional concept. So, for example, about Lesha, the girls knew that he (I quote the girl who was checking this) "a good man, but he ends quickly." So, Leshy comes somehow to a distant friend. Strongly drunk. They still give. And he says to her in a human (yet) voice:
"Well, mother, what are we going to do? What did God send?"

Heterodyne
During the lessons at the military department was a joke ... Captain (now already a major) Levshin wanted to make sure of the complete lack of knowledge of the student Roma Pankin (we had such a colorful personality).
- What it is? - he asked, poking a pointer on the box with the letter "G1" on the structural diagram of the superheterodyne receiver R-250 M. - Heterodyne! - Roma answered cheerfully, hearing someone's clue.
- And then what is it? Levshin asked, who also had a good ear, pointing at the "G2" square.
"Geter-two!" Roma guessed.
Levshin has not yet seen such a happy face. :)
- For what I like the army, it's for such jokes! - he said, when the five-minute burst of laughter in the audience ended, setting a deserved note to his beloved pupil.

The Principal and Petya All of us once studied at school. And we all know this terrible word - ZABUCH. I do not know how you are, but unara in shk.882 the head teacher Tamara Grigoryevna worked out her post for all 200%. Now the fairy tale itself: One day a teacher of geography fell ill. Suddenly. Without warning anyone. Well, we, were, were delighted - there is no lesson, there is nobody to replace the geography ... Aha, now!
We look along the corridor in our direction scratching on all pairs of a small and spiteful Tamara. Well, we think ... And the truth is ...
In the class of ti-i-iho. Even flies do not fly - they are also afraid. Above the desks a quiet, even voice is heard without any intonations. Только с самой последней парты, где сидел наш молодой Вундеркинд, любимец учительницы по алгебре и геометрии, доказавший 33 способами теорему Пифагора (не вру), спортсмен-лыжник, упавший как-то головой вниз с ледяной горки, после чего и ставший Вундеркиндом и заодно Парнем со странностями... уфф короче - Петя Корпусов, раздавалось какое-то трудолюбивое сопение. Мы все давно привыкли, что Пете совершенно по барабану что и как там говорит училка, впрочем, к этому привыкли и сами училки потому как если Петю вызывали отвечать, то потом его никак не могли остановить.
Еще маленькая подробность. Все задние парты, кто сидел там - знает, сплошь исписаны всяческими словечками и выражениями, в общем фольклор. Для Пети это была просто Книга жизни, т. к. он был абсолютно от нее оторван, и изучал эту ее сторону с величайшим усердием, пока его не оборвал гневный окрик Тамары: - Корпусов! Ты что там пишешь на парте?
- Я не пишу, Тамара Григорьевна, я читаю - оправдывается Петя...
- И что там интересного написано? - с издевкой и еще более грозно вопрошает завуч.
- ЗА-Л#-ПА!!! - по слогам читает Петя, и поднимает на Тамару невинные глаза.
Тут надо описать реакцию класса. Все, как по команде, зажали рот руками, что бы не дай Бог не засмеяться, и сидят вытаращив глаза друг на друга, понимая, что первый издавший хоть какой звук отправится на эшафот.
С Тамарой же происходили удивительные метаморфозы: она постепенно наливалась кровью, подбородок ее стал мелко подрагивать, глаза постепенно вылезали из орбит, короче вот-вот взорвется. Когда праведный гнев завуча достиг наивысшей точки кипения, и все втянули головы в плечи в ожидание конца света Тамара взревела:
- Я тебе сейчас такую ЗАЛ#ПУ покажу!!!
- Покажите... - с любопытством в голосе ответствовал невозмутимый Петя.
Больше терпеть мы не смогли.