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Last task
There was once a very colorful lecturer at the Physics and Technology Institute - Gosh B. About him, the students laid down many legends based on real stories. Here is one of them. A student is Gosha. Hour hands, two hands. Gosh has it with might and main (he loved this business; -), the student has already knocked the pairs out of the ass and out of the ears. In general, he fights for C grade for quite a long time. Finally, Gosh decided to put an end to this business: “You’re solving the problem, he says, I’m letting go with the C grade, you won’t decide, I went to a retake.” And he goes somewhere. Returns in half an hour. Here it should be noted, Gosha's memory was not very. Yes, and a lot of students, just do not remember. - Well, how? - asks Gosh. Well, the student says to him: - Ok, I didn’t solve your problem. Give me a four. So happy student with a quarter and left!
Newspaper ads
There are advertisements in the newspapers ... here are some, especially liked: B. / y. snowboard Bururt Air, fixtures, boots. Please circle this ad to stand out from the crowd. I sell the boat. The text is the same as in the previous issue. Hello! I am a little BMW from Podberezovka. Get me out of here! Or exchange for a diesel car. I’ll buy Salor's SV 6900 video recorder with remote control, or simply D. W., my dog ​​thinks that it is very tasty. Fiat Ritmo-88 is for sale, a terrible, disgusting, nightmare of all pensioners! Get rid of this machine, would pass and headache. Help the man - bring a pair of handkerchiefs, cry together. Inspection passed, etc., etc. ... Price: 3000 or change to 85,000 aspirin tablets. Sold chinchilla male, 8 months, urgently; the dog thinks that it is for her snack, I agree to the exchange, offer anything! I sell the JVC tape recorder, half-disassembled, for parts, speakers, the whole radio works, only I can’t hear the sound, the cassette worked until the tape recorder was disassembled.
Party Historian
There was a party historian at MGIMO, an old Stalinist, probably forced to adhere to the current view of the party on its history. Once at a lecture, talking about the Stalinist "excesses" and blaming everything, of course, Beria, the Stalinist leader of the state security organs, he literally issued the following: - Beria wanted to put his organs above the party and the government.
Where to put the port?
I was at the birthday party of one girl. Despite being 24, she looks like a pioneer: two tails, a small voice, blue-blue eyes, etc. Before the final dish (sponge cake, mmmmm ... I was called into the kitchen. The above-mentioned pigtails jut out from behind the giant cookbook and you can hear the purr: - So, lemon peel, hmm-hmm, powder, egg, mr-mr, PORTVEIN. Port wine ?! Listen, go, if not vpadlu, eh? .. - Yes! - Who can stand before the blue-blue look ?! I put on my jacket, go to the supermarket, buy a bottle, deliver it with pomp to the kitchen. !!! The cake is almost ready. - So, two tablespoons of port wine should be mixed with ... - and suddenly, dropping the Talmud: - Listen !!! And here it is not written where to put the rest of the port !!! Do you think we coped with this problem? ..
Counterweight
Was on a business trip in Barnaul. Like one store. There are hours (children) in the form of a hare. The dial on the belly, the hare shakes his head. And where is the counterweight? How, where - between the legs: the carrot is in time! P.S. There were also other animals, each with something between its legs dangling.
Hochma from the notary
The work of a notary assistant has its own joke. The most fun - statements with permission to leave the child abroad. Our parents are our pride ... 1. A young couple comes to issue a statement. I ask: who is a child, son or daughter? At the same time, happy spouses say father: - Son. Mother: - Daughter Silent scene, the spouse slowly turns to his wife, looks at her for a long time, then very surprised: - So you also have a daughter ?! 2. Again, a statement. It is a man. I ask: - What is the year of birth of the child. A man scratches a turnip: - Like 1995. I sit, type. Enters: - Not, perhaps, 1994. Leaves, then reappears: - Wait, can I call my wife? - You are welcome. He calls, for a long time he interprets the mother, what kind of child does he mean, then decide three more minutes, what his age. We decided. In short, when leaving, the peasant asks plaintively: “And if it’s still wrong, can it be fixed?” 3. The same statement. A woman comes, gives a birth certificate. I am typing, giving her ready text for review. Comes: - You are typed here the name of the child Almenia, and her name is Elmina. I am surprised that everything seems to be in order, I look at the testimony, it says in Russian: - Almenia. Showing her. She silently looks at him, then at the statement, then again ... After a minute, she finally says: - Ely, and we called her Elmina since childhood. 4. The most common mistake of the client: - Hello, I want to write a power of attorney for the child. - You know, this is called a statement - No, I [kind uncle] said that I should entrust the child! - No, this form is called a statement! - No, I need a power of attorney. - [tired, gloomy], well, and to whom do you trust him? - [pretty and joyful] Vasya Pupkin - [maliciously] do you need a power of attorney with the right to sell or just use it? [silent stage] The contract is a funny thing in its own way, but there are few such curiosities. 5. A five-year-old grandfather arrives, says: - I want to assure the contract! He gives me a notebook sheet, which says something like the following: "Hachu Padarit my apartment where I now live to my grandson, Vasya Pupkin, my son-in-law derets and huffs me." Then everything is in the same spirit. He asks us to just put a stamp ... Sad but funny.
Youngsters
As you know, adult men like different women. Blondes and brunettes. Chubby pampushkas and creations are skinny, like a Russian greyhound.
Beauties and just wow. The variety of male requests is completely covered by the diversity of species and subspecies of females of reasonable man, but among this diversity there is a small, flaming island.
I hasten to disappoint you - the creatures living on this island, discovered and described by one great scientist and poetically called “nymphet” by him, will not be the subject of our conversation.
And everyone who wants to taste the disastrous charm of these immortal demons in the guise of little girls can simply turn to the great book, which they probably read or at least watched one of its two terrible adaptations, because personally I can hardly imagine an adult person from the last two millennia. who would not have heard about who Lolita is. Repeat this name, typesetter, until the page ends.
We, quiet, law-abiding citizens, who honor the criminal code more than anything else, will leave philological biology alone and simply state a fact: young, "barely pubescent" girls of almost any color and configuration have the fantastic ability to deprive adult men of reason, money and spiritual balance . We will even leave these girls to their foolish childhood, let them grow up, get a passport, finish school. And maybe even go to college.
And only then - only then! - let's turn on them our biased male attention. But even after that, we will remember all the time that they are, in fact, very young children, despite their cheeky long legs and defiantly short skirts, vulgar ambition, foolish desire to be adults (after ten years they will understand that an adult means , old, but it will be, alas, irrevocably late) and ... And we will not do them any harm. Let them grow.
Mother's daughter
Swan neck, gazelles eyes, pigeon temper. Crumbly hair, not knowing neither Parisian dyes, nor American curlers. Perhaps even a thick braid to a round priests, but this if you are already quite lucky. It is touchingly confused in its own limbs, it loves the “basket” cakes and from the very close gaze it is slowly filled with spotty fiery paint - starting with small transparent ears and ending with an insignificant, but very promising chest. Happily, it does not know its real price. Till.
STATUS. The entrant.
CAPE. Submissively wears semi-childish dresses to the waist, flared skirts and shoes on carnations - in short, everything her own mother dressed up in a nostalgically distant youth. At the same time - in spite of everything - manages to look unbearably sexy. HOBBY. Literature. Music. History. Art.
IDOL. Anna Akhmatova.
HOW TO IMMUNE. As if by the way to drop, that "Ada" - contrary to the opinion of Updike and Vonnegut - seems to you much more temporal than the "Pale Flame". All the attempts of the little girl to somehow develop and continue the fascinating discussion should be answered with a demonic grin and the phrase: "Here you grow up, then we'll talk."
WHAT TO GIFT. Kitty. You can toy.
WHERE TO DRIVE. To the theatre.
WHAT BOYS LOVE IT. Clever and sublime.
SEX. Well, if you consider sex secret shaking sweaty girlish palms (in the midst of the next premiere) and a chaste kiss on the burning cheek (under the arches of the native entrance) ...
But seriously, it's better not to worry, buddy. While you groan, sigh and be afraid to insult an innocent child with a careless touch, in the arena there will certainly appear some disintegrated youth of the most vile kind and without a twinge of conscience ruin the honey hive, over which you have so long and reverently shaken.
PROBLEMS. Mom forbids her to talk for a long time on the phone and leave the house after the program "Good night, kids." WHAT WILL GROW. Blue stocking. Or a terrific bitch of the highest class.
RISK. It is possible not only to fall in love in the most fatal way, but one fine day even to fasten on the girl’s house with a bouquet and the most idiotic expression of her face - to woo.
EXIT. Spit on everything and blow for her mother. She, by the way, is also somewhere else.
STATUS. Peteushnitsa.
CAPE. A rudimentary skirt made of artificial leather, an acid-colored T-shirt and indispensable black tights with an unappetizing darning in the area of ​​charming buttocks.
HOBBI.Anasha.
IDOL. Vova, nicknamed Behemoth from a local organized crime group.
HOW TO IMMUNE. To treat with a cigarette with a filter and ride on a cool car.
WHAT TO GIFT. Five bucks.
WHERE TO DRIVE. In the glass.
WHAT BOYS LOVE IT. Steep.
SEX. Dangerous. Young enterprising trash is quite capable of rewarding you with anything, so do not forget to use condoms. Better just two.
PROBLEMS. Will guide you and your company to your Hippo.
WHAT WILL GROW. Railway station.
RISK. It can easily treat you not only gonorrhea, but also clonidine.
Quite from here following.
EXIT. Never communicate with children dungeons.
Little thing
Not that it is very good, but very young to spasms in the chest. It is touching to try to follow the fashionable advice of all the glossy magazines at once, therefore, it is a bit like a village idiot, only very h and scentful. Primitive is uneducated and naive, although if all the efforts that she puts in order to be on the level, direct in the right direction, the world will be another Maria Sklodovskaya-Curie. At the same time, it is quite practical in an adult way, it easily operates with large sums and is absolutely seriously convinced that a man who has no money is not a man.
STATUS. Fashionable girl.
CAPE. Jacket from Tommy Hilfiger skirt from MoscНino, checkered tights Wolford, denim boots Casadei Jeans Le Carains, sweater from D & G kofto chka from DKNY and dress from Emrario Armam. All this is filled with one another and embroidered with beads, glass beads, bell-rings, rolls, rings and overflows. In a word - death. And full.
HOBBY. Party
IDOL. Jean-Paul Gauthier.
HOW TO IMMUNE. Slam the Bentley door, take a look at Patek Rínírre’s watches famously click the Cartier cigarette lighter and taste with a white Belomor cigarette
Such babies are quite capable of appreciating the beauty of stylish social contrasts.
WHAT TO GIFT. Watch Tank by Cartier.
WHERE TO DRIVE. In night clubs
WHAT BOYS LOVE IT. Wealthy.
SEX. Everything should be slow and beautiful, like in a very bad movie. As a result, it will take so much time and effort to voluptuously unzip zippers, picture hugs, prolonged kisses and other grimaces and jumps, but the girl, worried only about not having seen her laundry brand, hardly ever notice that you are embarrassed.
PROBLEMS. We'll have to remember all the time what shoes they wear to a tuxedo and which ones for breakfast.
WHAT WILL GROW. A faithful spouse and virtuous mother. Oddly enough.
RISK. One fine moment you will understand with horror that you are turning into the protagonist of an endless and stupid commercial. EXIT. Do not forget to turn off the TV.
Unisex
A disheveled bang, a small stubborn jaw, a stretched T-shirt of the fifty-sixth size and ugly baggy pants. He smokes like a courtyard hooligan, swears like a replayer, rides on rollers (skate, surf, bike, wheelbarrow, etc.) - like a real kid. But under the ugly teenage rags patiently waiting for the naturalist narrow waist, snub-nosed breasts and a charming, all fiery, velvety, sunken girl's tummy. The main thing is not to confuse the baby with her frostbitten friend.
STATUS. Rip off the head.
CAPE. Stupid. Everything is coarse, clumsy, heavy, five sizes larger than it needs, and it also sticks one out from the other, like the leaves of young shaggy cabbage.
HOBBY. Extreme
IDOL. Schumacher and Anton Komolov with MTV.
HOW TO IMMUNE. Shake the old days and show the little ones how the ball is minted with two legs. A hundred times in a row. Or even a hundred and ten.
WHAT TO GIFT. This mountain bike.
WHERE TO DRIVE. Where they run, jump and shoot.
WHAT BOYS LOVE IT. Sports.
SEX. Perhaps even a group one, since the little young one was used to living the pack life and sharing its joys and problems with other youngsters.
PROBLEMS. Considering the girl’s strange manner of dressing, some conservative acquaintances are beginning to suspect you of a secret homosexual.
WHAT WILL GROW. Physical education teacher in high school.
RISK. Trying to prove to the smart little one that the old horse also knows how to fly a paraglider and dive twelve meters without an aqualung, it’s not a long time to get a heart attack. The real one is the myocardium.
EXIT. Watch your pulse and weight. Just in case.

GIRLS ON THE NOTE.
Doubt what your new friend has no penis, just a character? And what are his secret addictions? We'll have to watch him in love games: what does he whisper in your ear, how does he touch your chest. Finally, what posture prefers and how it behaves. He does not even suspect that at this moment your whole essence opens up to your attentive gaze, as if in an X-ray photograph. “Create a pose for yourself and have the character to endure it,” said Daniel Harms.
<< sandwich maker >>
Favorite posture: classic, << missionary >>: it is on top, you are on the bottom. He likes to pinch you with the whole mass when you are in a horizontal position on the back. In general, it turns out a typical “sandwich”, where you are between the body and the bed. He may not be aware himself, but he is aroused by the fact that this is him from above, which means that he rules the ball. At the same time, he usually tries to bite your earlobe, or with a passionate kiss, to dig into your neck. Diagnosis. If he is nimble, like a rabbit, quickly gets pleasure and falls off, it means that he is terribly jealous, greedy and prone to receiving momentary pleasures and generally a bad lover. He has frequent headaches, sore loin, he smokes a lot, is prone to hard drinking, his idols are the trainer Romantsev with a nipple-cigarette and Jim Carrey. If it moves slowly, sighs noisily and sweats a lot, and you no longer know where to go, if only it all ends quickly, this is a problematic specimen unsure of itself. Do not wait for him so necessary for girls words, like: << I feel good with you, mouse >> or cool: << baby, and you're cool >>. He is not capable of exploits and experiments.
<< Male >>
Favorite posture: << doggy-style >> or << Roman horse >>. << Dog >> or << horse >> this is you, of course. And he << dog >> or << tamer >>. You try to saddle him, but he still strives to settle in from behind. Perhaps lashing you on the buttocks and every now and then pulling the hair. Diagnosis. If he << loves >> strictly << back and forth >>, with force, silently and severely, like Suvorov, who decided to bomb the enemy, by all means! Before you (or rather behind you) a dangerous man with the past. This type of important thrill from the << victory >>: the partner is on all fours. But at the same time, he can truly love his doggy with his whole "kobelina" soul. So to love, that living from his love shackles will not break free. Another lover of this pose is a romantic who adores variations on the theme of “rotate hips”, move them left and right, swing hands with them, like wings, sing, say, << Ave Maria >>. This may be a curious character to communicate, but a coward, trembling at the thought that you need to look into the eyes of a girl, if he finds herself face to face with her. He loves to do this very often, with different girls. A sort of collector of female ass, which << are silent >>, unlike the eyes and lips. It's easier. Romantic does not like difficulties, runs away from responsibility. He eats chocolate, drinks strong drinks, plays in a casino.
<< Estet >>
Favorite position. There may be several of them, but they are all from the field of incredible balancing act with a bunch of different related intricacies. That is, everything except traditional preferences. During sexual contact, it starts twisting you into “knots”, tries to sit in the lotus position, stretch to a splits, arranges existential sexual experiences. Diagnosis. As a rule, this is an esthete, yearning for tantra, listening to alternative music, often not knowing what he wants in life. Yes, perhaps, only one escape from boredom, tradition and soulfulness. Because he is incredibly self-centered, vain and ambitious. The center of his universe is himself. Deciding to stay with him do not expect care and attention and be ready to fulfill his whims, including sexual ones. The only virtue is incredible cleanliness.
<< Trainer >>
Favorite posture: << Cat on the tree >>. That is, love << in weight >>: both of you are standing, you are hanging on it, clasping it with your legs around the waist. He picks you up, “hangs” on himself and starts to move with force. He does it violently, screaming like Tarzan (the real one, not the one who is the father of the child Natasha Koroleva). Can do it at the big mirror to admire yourself. Yes, yes, first of all. And then you, if you are perfectly folded. Diagnosis. Crazy Daffodil. Most often these are engaged in bodybuilding, fitness, tennis. And bodybuilders go to people with complexes, being at first dissatisfied with themselves, then overly in love with themselves due to bulging muscles. He is incredibly polygamous, can not enjoy one or two girls, he necessarily needs a dozen or two, and certainly beauties. He will make you hang out the apartment with his nude photos, tell him a sea of ​​compliments, eat with him his protein food, which is necessary for bodybuilders. He listens to hard rock, Zemfira, does not drink alcohol or smoke. This is probably a plus. But from constant loads on the lower back, due to the fact that he prefers the “cat” position, a friend may have problems with the spine, he may suffer from constipation.
<< Pretzel >>
Favorite posture: on the side. He turns you on its side, lies down behind, snuggles in and “puts in” into the curves of your body. It turns out << pretzeldek >> or
<< kalachik >> as anyone. Almost the same can be if he turns you to his face. He enjoys slow and deep penetration into you, hugs him tightly, whispers something. Diagnosis. He was used to warm cakes and soft home slippers, a measured rhythm of life, so that “everything is on the shelves”, so that the orgasm would arrive on time, and in sexual contact everything was predictable. Type sissy or boring married. Tedious, like Karl Marx at the time of working on << Capital >>. If fate will drive you, you will be ensured a life << by Capital >> watch >> with rare sex on the side.
<< Universal >>
Favorite position: All! He is unique: a cheeky person, like a hussar, and charitable, like an aristocrat; rude and tender; bold and shy, unpredictable. Diagnosis. Such a man is a universal lover. His main passion is the delivery of pleasure to his beloved woman. He will satisfy her and will not forget about himself. What a pose for him tenth. So if he loves, he will make any sacrifices for you. However, for a long time it is hardly enough: there are so many objects around for worship
Missing rights
I'm traveling from Berdsk, home to my native Novosibirsk, I smoke, I listen to music, they stop at the lousy hill, I don't care, all the documents are in order, the mood is good, I go out - I say to the milonera:
- PREDED!
I start to get the documents. Power of Attorney, certificate of registration of the vehicle, insurance .... RIGHT. Stop where are they? Passage through the pockets, the second pass, more convulsive ... No. The brain tries to remember, but fails. WHERE? Milzoner is happy, but, as always, he does not show it, sighs, shuffles from one foot to the other. I’m dialing my wife, asking if she sees rights on the table, she says no, and REMEMBER, went to the skating rink a couple of days ago, took skates for hire, left the pledge rights - I didn’t take it. Further, as always, the parking lot, fine, we will go, your sentences, 200, protocol in hand, mneem piece of paper, 400, UUUU, nuuuu, 500. OK! In the morning - at the rink, there are no aunts with hire, there is an uncle, imbued with a problem, I told him that he skated for 500 pounds on skates, he laughed. Found the keys, searched - no, he calls the aunt from the rental, she says that she had never seen anything right, I ask the key question:
- WHERE do you usually put a pledge, yourself in the table or in a package with shoes?
Answer:
- No, not in the bag, put it right in the shoes ...
Second delay ... I take off my right shoe. The uncle's eyes are so big (he didn’t hear what she said to me on the phone). I take out the boot right ... OUT!
Gentlemen motorists REMEMBER that lost rights must not only fumble in your pockets, they may be in the most interesting places! I stand before this reptile, he divorces me, and the rights - in the shoe ...

Signage
Husband told. Once he was looking for some office, it was necessary for the work, and therefore paid attention to the signs. And here, stands the building, all the signs hung close to each other. There is a wide double door in it, each of the flaps of which apparently led to its office. Above the left casement in bright letters was written "INTIM". Red on black. Above the right wing modestly flaunted "Lombard".
The overall impression is an intimate pawn shop. I wonder what values ​​you can pass there?

Shedding tram
Just recently rode the tram. The day was after a holiday of some kind, I can’t definitely remember. We are going and then, passing the turn, the tram dramatically slows down. The first door opens, the conductor runs out and then everyone watches how that conductor rushes into the tram interior, but with a huge sidewall from the tram. Then everyone rode barely restraining a smile on his face.

Last resort
It is not the first year that I have been (with God's help) a freelance computer consultant to the Rostov Diocese. A kind-hearted man, a clever and extraordinary talent, serving L.P.’s office with reverent awe treats her computer and is ready to pray for him.
I taught her to use it, and she works confidently, but she cannot overcome her panic fear of technology. For any little thing, she calls me and I, in a voice full of despair and anxiety, complains about "catastrophic problems." I always have to answer with the words:
"My dear L. P., let's calm down and see in order: what happened, what you did and what you need to do."
Having called today, as usual, L. P. began to lament. Today the paper jammed in the printer and it can not be removed. - Can not? I already told you how to act in this case. What did you do?
- I raised the lid and I didn’t have enough courage.
- What then?
- I called Father Alexander, but he could not take out the paper either.
- I sympathize. What then?
- I gave a prayer to Nikolai the Pleasant.
- And it did not help?
- Alas, no, God forgive me.
- What then?
- Then I decided to disturb you ...

Cooking dumplings
My friend, nicknamed Duke, studied at the University of Minsk, he had a fellow black student. In the first year, they became friends, they lived in neighboring blocks in a hostel.
One day, tormented by a persistent feeling of hunger, Duke heard a knock and went to open the door. Behind the door stood themselves you know who - that notorious black (I do not remember his name). He said:
- Sasha, I bought this Russian dish - pi ... pilmen. But I do not know how to prepare them.
Overwhelmed by friendly sympathy and gastric juices, Duke happily dragged the Negro into the kitchen along with a pack of dumplings.
- Look. We take a saucepan, fill it with half water, salt it a little bit and set it on fire. As soon as the water boils, throw dumplings.
Everything was done exactly.
- Now, when the dumplings are filled, you need to follow: those dumplings that will pop up, catch and throw back here in this plate. This is bad. After 10 minutes, remaining at the bottom - ready to eat.
The instructions were followed, and a dozen dumplings were on the plate. Approximately as much as left in the pan. A black friend committed himself to assigning spoiled dumplings to the garbage disposal, but obsessed with international solidarity and internal famine, Duke cried:
- No! Let me take it - along the way, and you don’t need my supervision anymore.

Erasers Today, two new madame accountants were hired.
Maybe, as accountants, they are good, but as PC users, it’s just awful. The bottom line: in the tax gave floppy disk with the program.
At the end of the month, bookkeeping should submit all reports on forms from that diskette to tax. And old files from a disk to erase. I cite a literal text from a help from a tax diskette: "... report files for the last (last) month must be deleted (erased) from the diskette using the Delete key." What was my surprise when I saw on the table all scratched floppy disk and keyboard without the Delete key.
R. s. Tomorrow you will have to go and buy / install a modem, otherwise they will "erase" something else there; -)

Listen to radio
This story, they say, took place years ... twenty years ago in the military hospital of the glorious city of Yekaterinburg, where either one young lieutenant got into treatment or prevention. Well, there is no need to talk about how “chic” the wards in our medical institutions (and even in those days) are arranged, neither you nor the TV, nor the radio - is boring ... However, as you know, “the need for invention is tricky” - and one day, after reading from print to cover all the available print media, and gradually falling into an incredible longing, because of nothing to do, the young man discovered an interesting feature of the usual Soviet electric razor - if you plug it into an outlet (I don’t say exactly what : regular or radio), then you can successfully transmission mother native radio station "Mayak". It was behind this meaningful occupation (the electric shaver is attached to the ear, on the face is an expression of gloomy concentration) and the attending physician found the lieutenant and, naturally, asked a completely natural question:
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I immediately received a not less logical answer:
- I listen to the radio ...
Silent scene ... Then the young man caught himself, intercepting the doctor’s anxiously-wary look: - Doctor, you just don’t think what ... Take this, listen to it yourself - and give the razor to the doctor. He puts it to the ear, but, as a sin, in the transfer of a pause, or before the signals of the exact time, or something else, well, it does not matter ... in one word - SILENCE ...
- Taaaaaaak ... Ho-ro-shooooooo ...
- said the doctor, giving the patient a razor ...
And then there was a circus, for a long time the unfortunate lieutenant had to prove that he was not a camel, but, they say, everything ended quite well, only for a long time this bike went to the garrison ...

Presentation
Joke from the festive evening at my work. For clarification, I will say. that our company is mainly engaged in the development of accounting software, ... The presentation department shows its performance. At the end of it, a certain lady, depicting a new version of the program, takes the stage. Behind me, a whisper of programmers is heard:
- God forbid, the same program will be terrible ...
Hearing this, one of the nearby dealer's girls consoles them:
- Nothing, the main thing is that the same salesman was ...
Then the drink made itself felt and I went to bed ...

Impudent red cat
I was once in Moscow on business and we went with a friend to the Vagankovo ​​cemetery. We went to Vysotsky, well, and then we go along the avenue. And we observe in the middle of the alley a huge red cat. He lounged, broke down under the spring sun, pleased with life. They began to scratch the cat, well, so he fell away altogether, turned over on his back, put his belly in, stick his legs out like a starfish. We talked with him and went on. And we see: three dogs are walking towards us along the avenue.
They saw the cat still lying on top, one of the dogs barked something, like:
- And who is pi # dyule?
And they immediately went to the gallop. The cat reacted instantly, with one jump turned over to its feet and slipped behind the fence of the nearest grave. After a second, the dogs appeared on the spot where the cat had just blissful. They slowed down with their paws exposed. It even seemed to us that we could hear the squeal of brakes and feel the smell of burning rubber. Spinning around, the dogs rushed around the fence, two on one side, the third on the other. They rushed there, trampled, swore, and then ... A cat came out from behind the fence. He looked over his shoulder and it was written on his face:
- Well, okay, guys, you play here, and I have to go, I'm in business. BUT UNFORTABLE!
And this impudent mug not, did not run away, he GOT along the avenue, it is important and leisurely. And the dogs continued to scour the fence ...

The Goblin There was, and maybe now, still living in Akadem (the city of Novosibirsk) such a person - the Goblin. A kind of, you know, wit, self-taught. He always looked gloomy. But with a sense of humor, everything is in order. So there was such a story about him.
I must say that in the dormitory intimate life - the concept is very conditional. So, for example, about Leszhego girls knew that he (I quote who tested this girlfriend) "is a good man, but he ends quickly." So, Goblin comes to some distant acquaintance. Very drunk. They still give in. And he says to her in a human (still) voice:
- Well, what, mother, let's fuck than God sent?

Heterodyne
During classes at the military department was funny ... Captain (now major) Levshin wanted to make sure that Roma Pankin, a student, did not have the knowledge (we had such a very colorful personality).
- What it is? - He asked, poking a pointer to the square with the letter "G1" on the block diagram of the superheterodyne receiver P-250 M. - Heterodyne! - Roma answered cheerfully, hearing someone’s hint.
- And then what is it? - asked Levshin, who also had a good ear, pointing to the “G2” box.
- Geter-two! - Roma guessed.
I have never seen such a happy face before Levshin. :)
- For what I love the army, so it is for these jokes! - He said, when the five-minute attack of laughter in the audience ended, putting down a deserved mark to his beloved student.

The head teacher and Peter All of us once went to school. And everyone knows this terrible word - ZAVUCH. I do not know about you, but Unas in school 882. Tamara Grigorievna, the head teacher, worked out her position for all 200%. Now the story itself: Once a geography teacher got sick. Suddenly. No one warned. Well, we were delighted - there is no lesson, there is no one to replace the geographic ... Yeah, now!
We look along the corridor in our direction, small and angry Tamara is scratching at full steam. Well, we think ... And the truth is ...
In the class ti-iho. Even the flies do not fly - they are also afraid. Above the desks broadcasts a quiet voice completely without intonation. Только с самой последней парты, где сидел наш молодой Вундеркинд, любимец учительницы по алгебре и геометрии, доказавший 33 способами теорему Пифагора (не вру), спортсмен-лыжник, упавший как-то головой вниз с ледяной горки, после чего и ставший Вундеркиндом и заодно Парнем со странностями... уфф короче - Петя Корпусов, раздавалось какое-то трудолюбивое сопение. Мы все давно привыкли, что Пете совершенно по барабану что и как там говорит училка, впрочем, к этому привыкли и сами училки потому как если Петю вызывали отвечать, то потом его никак не могли остановить.
Еще маленькая подробность. Все задние парты, кто сидел там - знает, сплошь исписаны всяческими словечками и выражениями, в общем фольклор. Для Пети это была просто Книга жизни, т. к. он был абсолютно от нее оторван, и изучал эту ее сторону с величайшим усердием, пока его не оборвал гневный окрик Тамары: - Корпусов! Ты что там пишешь на парте?
- Я не пишу, Тамара Григорьевна, я читаю - оправдывается Петя...
- И что там интересного написано? - с издевкой и еще более грозно вопрошает завуч.
- ЗА-Л#-ПА!!! - по слогам читает Петя, и поднимает на Тамару невинные глаза.
Тут надо описать реакцию класса. Все, как по команде, зажали рот руками, что бы не дай Бог не засмеяться, и сидят вытаращив глаза друг на друга, понимая, что первый издавший хоть какой звук отправится на эшафот.
С Тамарой же происходили удивительные метаморфозы: она постепенно наливалась кровью, подбородок ее стал мелко подрагивать, глаза постепенно вылезали из орбит, короче вот-вот взорвется. Когда праведный гнев завуча достиг наивысшей точки кипения, и все втянули головы в плечи в ожидание конца света Тамара взревела:
- Я тебе сейчас такую ЗАЛ#ПУ покажу!!!
- Покажите... - с любопытством в голосе ответствовал невозмутимый Петя.
Больше терпеть мы не смогли.