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50 best things ever told by men

1. I love the work, it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours. (C) Jerome K. Jerome.
2. What if the world is an illusion and there is nothing? Then I definitely overpaid for the carpet. (C) Woody Allen.
3. The doctor gives me two weeks of life. It would be good in August. (C) Ronnie Shakes.
4. Many men, having fallen in love with a dimple on the cheek, mistakenly marry the whole girl. (C) Steven Leacock.
5. Boxing is a friendly hemorrhage. (C) Emile is meek.
6. The first man who gave up curse instead of stone, was the creator of civilization. (C) Sigmund Freud.
7. Never freedom of speech is not so precious as when accidentally striking a hammer on the finger. (C) Marshall Lamzden.
8. Difficult tasks are performed immediately, impossible - a little later. (C) The motto of the US Air Force.
9. Happiness is pleasure without repentance. (C) L.N. Tolstoy.
10. I am grateful that I have two middle fingers, although it would be nice to have another pair. (C) Marilyn Manson.
11. Life is what happens to us while we make plans. (C) John Lennon.
12. I do not always know what I'm talking about, but I know that I'm right. (C) Muhammad Ali.
13. Thoughts and women do not come together. (C) M. Zhvanetsky.
14. I love Mickey Mouse more than all the women I knew. (C) Walt Disney.
15. Being sober, put into practice all your drunken promises - it teaches you to keep your mouth shut. (C) Ernest Hemingway.
16. I was ill for three days, and this had a great effect on my health. (C) Sergei Dovlatov.
17. You yourself, like no other in the whole universe, deserve your love and devotion. (C) Buddha.
18. In order to have sex, a woman needs a reason, a man - a place. (C) Billy Crystal.
19. I could not wait for success and started off without him. (C) Jonathan Winters.
20. Marriage is an interesting form of duel, according to the rules of which you must sleep with the enemy. (C) Lee Daniel.
21. I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, I just hate plants. (C) A. Whitney Brown.
22. If your wife wants to learn to drive, do not stand in her way. (C) Stan Levinson.
23. To get a woman, tell her that you are impotent. She will certainly check it. (C) Cary Grant.
24. After twenty years of marriage, I seem to have begun to understand what a woman wants. The answer to this question lies somewhere between dialogue and chocolate. (C) Mel Gibson.
25. There is only one way to a happy marriage; As soon as I find him, I will marry again. (C) Clint Eastwood.
26. The electronic brain will think for us in the same way as the electric chair dies for us. (C) Stanislav Jerzy Lec.
27. Set the goal daily to do what is not to your liking. This golden rule will help you fulfill your duty without disgust. (C) Mark Twain.
28. Sex is a sitcom. (C) Dmitry Khrapovitsky.
29. Most people are as happy as they themselves have decided to be happy. (C) Abraham Lincoln.
30. The mind says - wisdom listens. (C) Jimmy Hendrix.
31. Beer is another proof that the Lord loves us and wants us to be happy. (C) Benjamin Franklin.
32. Go out into people - come in. (C) Vasily Turenko.
33. Nothing so spoils the goal as hit. (C) Attributed to N. Fomenko.
34. A pessimist sees difficulties at every opportunity; the optimist sees an opportunity in any difficulty. (C) Winston Churchill.
35. There are only two infinite things: the universe and stupidity. Although about the universe, I'm unsure. (C) Albert Einstein.
36. The most reliable way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget him at least once. (C) Joseph Cossman.
37. The director is the same person as everyone else, only he does not know about it. (C) Raymond Cherchel.
38. If a wife has cheated on you, then rejoice that she has betrayed you, not the fatherland. (C) Anton Chekhov.
39. Of two evils, be less. (C) Ambrose Bierce.
40. God gave the man a brain and a penis, but, alas, when one of them works, the second does not have enough blood supply. (C) Robin Williams about Clinton and Lewinsky.
41. They learn from their mistakes - they make a career with strangers. (C) Alexander Furstenberg.
42. I stay long under the impression I made on a woman. (C) Karl Kraus.
43. I always said that a woman should be like a good horror film: the more imagination remains, the better. (C) Alfred Hitchcock.
44. Love your neighbor as yourself, but do not be close to anyone. (C) Luis Bil.
45. Young people rule the world when they grow old. (C) George Bernard Shaw.
46. ​​I can live life without the necessary, but without too much I can not. (C) Mikhail Svetlov.
47. I'm never as busy as during my leisure hours. (C) Cicero.
48. A bachelor is a man who has a table and a sofa, and the history of the sofa is much richer. (C) Henrik Yagodzinsky.
49. I ll be back. (C) Arnold Schwarzenegger.
50. Love for a woman is something between dialogue and chocolate. And for a man's rank - something between sex and beer. (C) Mel Gibson.

Medical

The patient in bed is active, often changes his posture. (From medical history)
The patient urinated with a thin, gentle trickle. (Record in the call card of the ambulance brigade
The patient connects the disease with food intake - yesterday he drank and drank a sausage lying on the floor. (From the record on the sick leave sheet)
In the lower third of the right shin, a stab wound (cock cocked). (From the diagnosis)
As a result of unrealized aggression through rapid urination, the dog manifests its protest against the host. (From the diagnosis of a veterinarian)
In the hands of the girl, the dishes cracked and scattered on the glass parts, hastily digging into her body for the purpose of trauma. (From medical history)
The diagnosis is preliminary: rubbing of the left heel. The diagnosis is final: a fracture of the right leg. (Record in the disability sheet)
The diagnosis: ARD. Final diagnosis: scald left shoulder blade. (From medical history)
Complaints of the patient: urination plus high blood pressure. (From the hospital card)
She complains of her vision: she can not tell the difference between a girl and a woman. (From medical history)
And an enema was made, but he still does not say anything. (From the case history) I was treated with home remedies: in the morning I drank vodka, at lunch - wine. (From medical history)
Breaking the prescribed regimen, the patient introduced into the body a piglet with horse-radish. (From medical history)
An improved condition of the patient is noted - he stretches his legs himself. (From medical history)
When examining the external genital organs, there were no abnormalities - eggs in the scrotum. (From medical history)
Sosnov categorically refused to give birth, explaining the weak health of her husband. (From medical history)
The patient's condition was satisfactory, the temperature was normal, there was no stool, he was circumventing the professor. (From medical history)

The Truth About Carmack:

(note John Carmack is the main programmer of id Software, the company that created Doom 1-2, Hexen, Heretic, RtcW, Doom 3, etc.)
1. Carmack sees the world in four dimensions and once even painted a self-portrait in the form at right angles to the 4th axis on a piece of paper. the truth is that our 3-D image has degenerated into a straight line (an unsuccessful angle), so no one believes it to this day.
2. Carmack invented a model of lighting in 3d games, better than real sunlight, giving an acceptable FPS to Pentium-2. but does not release the engine into the light, tk. God is sympathetic to him and Carmack does not want to show his incompetence in this matter
3. Carmack sees in the dark, because he lives with the option disabled on dynamic shadows, and there are no static shadows in the real world
4. Carmack once slipped on the keyboard on the DEL button and lost a solid part of priceless code. so now he makes and stores for 5 years a video archive with a keyboard recording and running on it with his fingers when he writes the code.
5. Carmack knows how to call the console for the real universe to type there cheats and sv_gravity 0. but he despises cheaters.
6. Carmack is gothic
7. Carmack owns a patent for the sense of pleasure obtained from a shot at any unpleasant creature from a double-barrel at point-blank range
8. Carmack for two days wrote the perfect physics engine for any computer game. But then it took many months to disfigure it to simulate real physics, because real physics is far from perfect
9. The devil sold his soul to Carmack, so that he wrote a doom and a quake
10. Most Carmack games are based on real events of 3010.

CLASSIFICATION OF WOMEN


16 YEARS: GIRL WITH THE PLAYER

PLUSES: You are her first.
MINUSES: You are her first.
APPEARANCE: Green hair, blue nails, black lips. Naked navel with silver baubles, a ring in the nose and monstrous shoes on a three-story platform. But even all this in aggregate is not able to spoil the magnificent skin, a thin waist and half-blown chest. And no cellulite. Eh, youth, youth ...
AROMAT: A lot of fresh greens and a drop of lemon. Les Belles de Ricci by Nina Ricci.
PLACE WALK: Must be crowded and noisy to nausea. Disneyland in California, in extreme cases - a Ferris wheel in the city garden. Popcorn, balloons and sweaty happiness from the palm in your hand. In short, a fun company. Come on in.
APPRECIATION: With constant noise, you have to accept, and immediately. The young animals (including, of course, human cubs) are all curious and cheerful without exception, so they move all the time. And they scream. Mostly loudly. And not always melodic. Therefore, whether you want it or not, it will be necessary to find out that a mewly mewing girl, like a watchdog, is, it turns out, the singer Zemfira, and the disgusting kind of gugnivets with the face of the inveterate addict is the "darling Lagutenko" from the group "Mummies Troll". What do you want? Young people have their idols.
GIFTS: CD-player acid color.
FEEDING: And do not expect to seduce a nimfetque with a romantic candlelight dinner, "as in adults." All the same, she secretly pours sugar into the magnificent Chablis of the 96-year-old harvest, because she can not drink "such a terrible sour" and scared oysters to death. In addition, girls at a tender age confuse cutlery and flirting with waiters. So it's better to limit yourself to a hot dog, a bag of fried potatoes with sour ketchup and a liter glass of milkshake. Heartburn to you, of course, is guaranteed, but the child will be on the seventh heaven for joy. SEX: Whoops! And what is this you have? Can I touch it?
FORECAST: She will grow up and forget her parents. Do you remember?
SUMMARY: No, Humbert, great and terrible, was right. The spicy, chestnut aroma of youth is, of course, great, but girls at this age still need to wash their hair from time to time. And more often take a shower.

20 YEARS: ALL AROUND AND ALL ALLOWED

She knows everything. She knows how. She was everywhere and saw everything. And in general - there is no more steep professional, a more subtle psychologist and a more intelligent person than she is, magnificent. And, of course, she knows everything and knows everything in bed. In a word, she's a complete fool.
PLUSES: Of course, she will never defend her thesis, and the world, thank God, will remain the same.
MINUSES: You will be to blame for this.
APPEARANCE: Narrow skirt, dazzling blouse, firm breasts. Glasses in a stupid frame (and with simple glasses, as you understand), but this manner of biting the cap of the handle, this forever slipping off the round shoulder of the shoulder strap ... The legs, in general, are almost as required, but they use it still with charming awkwardness and secretly prefer stilettos and suits to worn jeans and old sneakers. However, it looks quite appetizing in any form. Especially if silent.
AROMAT: A whole basket of peaches, raspberries, tangerines and juicy green apples. I would eat and did not come off. In Love Again from Ives Saint Laurent.
PLACE WALKED: The most heaped and cult places. Clubs with big names and disgusting reputation. Want to hit the girl in the heart - bring her to the "blue" or "pink" club. She, of course, wakes up from embarrassment, but it will be from all the strengths to break the secular lady, to smoke cigarettes in a picturesque way and complain more about the fact that she has a cold from cocaine. In a word, you will like it.
APPRISON: She certainly lied about cocaine. But it's certainly not a problem to smoke less. Just as a smaller read for the night of Cortázar and quote in the morning Kierkegaard. And at the same time explain to the baby - of course, as a senior companion and, of course, on a good British English - that her English, alas, leaves much to be desired ...
GIFTS: The first volume of the complete Novikov collection of works by AP Sumarokov, M., 1778, in good condition, with drops of tears and pencil marks by I. Dmitrevsky in the fields.
FEEDING: This is where oysters and snails will come in handy. Just like truffles, foie gras and consommé with a patty. If only the names were more complicated, and the prices were more expensive. Of course, it is unlikely that your girlfriend will be able to appreciate all these delights, but she certainly will be pleased to feel grown-up. And, of course, candles, roses, crispy tablecloths and martini drive are required. But especially do not press too - at this age, the girls for some reason are sure that there are many - not intellec- tually. Although at night still secretly make their way to the refrigerator and, hunted around, they build themselves a three-story sandwich. And this, of course, inspires some optimism.
SEX: See what I have here ... You can touch it. Yes not so! Well, I'll teach you ...
FORECAST: Everything passes. And youth, unfortunately, too.
SUMMARY: Thank God, juvenile maximalism is something like measles. And they are ill only once in their life. For what are the complications ...


25 YEARS: ISLAND OF DEATH SHIPS

She added four kilograms, she had four wrinkles and four hundred jars and a lap from four wrinkles and four kilograms. And, of course, four mournful photos on the dressing table - the first love, the first husband, the most fatal mistake and the last passion. All - in the past tense and singular. In a word,
<< everything was lost, boss, everything was lost! >> Life was definitely not a success. PLUSES: One of the four wrinkles - between the buttocks.
MINUSES: She's on a diet now. Always.
APPEARANCE: As you know, additional roundness and soft places do not disfigure women at all, and even vice versa - decorate. That's only if it were not for these stupid quilted robes and homemade slippers with pompons ...
AROMATIC: Roses. Million Scarlet roses. TRESOR from Lancome.
PLACE WALK: At this strange age, even the most active and advanced women for some reason are wildly domesticated and begin to prefer any place to their own apartment. That's the most monstrous littered and vulgar apartment you will walk with it. From a magnificently whipped and starched bed (a cat, maybe, we'll lie down?) To the borscht kitchen saturated with aromas (sun, are not you hungry?). Roundtrip. Roundtrip. Not yet. Continuation!
APPRENTICE: Her time has come. Finally, she can no longer show off, and sobs read ladies' novels, which before shyly hid in the bedside table. And, of course, watch all the nauseating TV shows on TV. Contract.
GIFTS: Three kilograms of paired veal from the Central Market.
FEEDING: As you understand, you do not need to feed it anymore. She will feed you herself. Yes, so that does not seem a little: and pies with mushrooms, and pancakes with eggs, and pork chops on the bone. And she herself will sit next to her, gnawing her dietary cracker and pitying, like a woman, sigh.
SEX: Oh, do not look, I have a wrinkle. And then, too ...
FORECAST: After all, you will marry her ... As a last resort, she will marry you. Herself.
SUMMARY: Take yours and run, run, run. Carry your legs, legs, feet.

30 YEARS: A SOME SUN IN THE COLD WATER

The last, most greedy breath of air before the executioner in the scarlet robe knocked out from under her charming legs a rudely built-up stool. In a word, the morning of the Streltsy execution. All rise, the court is in session! PLUSES: She herself is a solid plus.
MINUSES: She's 30 years old.
APPEARANCE: She knows how to appear slim and fresh, carefully watches her hands and uses the services of a good beautician. Thank God, I finally learned how to use makeup. Yes, there to say - she had learned a lot over the years, but - alas! This woman has autumn, gentlemen, a beautiful, but hopeless autumn.
AROMAT: Sweet dust, decay, the majestic withering of the classics. Chanel N5 from Chanel.
PLACE WALK: To see Paris (Los Angeles, Tokyo, London, Rome, etc. - it's necessary to emphasize) - and die.
APPRISON: Unpredictable and capricious, like a pregnant woman. Between deeds you will certainly try to break your heart thoroughly and ruin your life. In a word, he is in a hurry to live and feels in a hurry, although it is clear to everyone that the train will not go any further, asking to release the cars. GIFTS: Brilliant "Earl of the Eagles" in 126 carats in a frame of white gold. She does not agree with anything less.
FEEDING: Lord, how many times do I have to explain to you that I drink only cognac and only a hundred years of aging!
SEX: Yes, yes, dear! Yet! Yet! Yet!
FORECAST: Sorry, gentlemen, but this is no longer a hunt, but a duel. And before you are not terrified game, but a full-fledged rival who, without frowning, will catch you a bullet right in the middle of his forehead. If you, of course, do not have time to shoot first.
SUMMARY: And in the war, as on you. And on you, as in war.

Comprehensive computer testing According to the literature

Specify the correct answer:

Griboyedov wrote the poem "Woe ..."
a) onion
b) from the mind
c) from heartburn
d) from nothing to do


The poem-novel Dead Souls wrote:
a) Gogol
b) Hegel
c) Cigel
d) Ai-Liu-Liu


The hero of Dostoevsky's novel The Idiot:
a) Nicholas I
b) Nicholas Ii
c) Myshkin
d) Koshkin
e) Pushkin


The image of Bazarov:
a) a positive
b) orative
c) is equal to zero
d) with a mustache


In Fadeyev's novel "Defeat" the following characters:
a) Snowstorm
b) Frosty
c) Snow Maiden
d) Father Frost


Finish the following quotes correctly:
"I'm leaving alone ..."
a) on the road
b) to work
c) the bear


"My uncle is the most honest ..."
a) rules
b) fired
c) made
d) could not invent


"He rebelled against the opinions of the world alone, as before, and - ..."
a) killed
b) injured
c) disappeared without a trace
d) died his own death


"And a star with a star ..."
a) lit
b) speaks
c) it shines
d) hanging on lapel


(LN Tolstoy, "War and Peace") "The dub of the people's war rose and began ... an enemy with all its revolting power":
a) to dub
b) to paint
c) Luposhit
d) batsat
e) chpokat
f) nuclear retaliation is inevitable


"And what ... does not like fast driving!":
a) Chukchi
b) Russian
c) member of the Komsomol
d) did not leave earlier


Mayakovsky wrote the poem "...":
Oh good
b) satisfactorily
c) excellent, Constantine
d) normal, Gregory


"Life is given to man ...":
a) 1 time
b) again
c) many more, many times


"To be or not to be - that's what ...":
a) the mother gave birth
b) the question
in reply
d) there is no answer
e) drive a coin


"Rare ... will fly to the middle of the Dnieper!":
a) bastard
b) but the label
c) an old woman of interest
d) bird
e) a bird-three


"Stupid penguin hides ... in the cliffs":
a) body fat
b) a stash
c) scuba gear, weapons and documents