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50 best things ever said by men
1. I love work, she fascinates me. I can sit and watch her for hours. (C) Jerome K. Jerome.
2. What if the world is an illusion and there is nothing? Then I definitely overpaid for the carpet. (C) Woody Allen.
3. The doctor gives me two weeks of life. It would be nice in August. (C) Ronnie Shakes.
4. Many men, falling in love with a dimple on the cheek, mistakenly marry the whole girl. (C) Stephen Lycock.
5. Boxing is a friendly hemorrhage. (C) Emil is meek.
6. The first person who threw a curse instead of a stone was the creator of civilization. (C) Sigmund Freyd.
7. Freedom of speech is never as precious as an accidental blow to a finger with a hammer. (C) Marshall Lamzden.
8. We perform difficult tasks immediately, impossible tasks - after a while. (C) Motto of the USAF.
9. Happiness is pleasure without repentance. (C) L.N. Tolstoy.
10. I am grateful for the fact that I have two middle fingers, although it would be nice to have another pair. (C) Marilyn Manson.
11. Life is what happens to us while we make plans. (C) John Lennon.
12. I do not always know what I'm talking about, but I know that I am right. (C) Muhammad Ali.
13. Thoughts and women do not come together. (C) M.Zhvanetsky.
14. I love Mickey Mouse more than all the women I knew. (C) Walt Disney.
15. Being sober, put all your drunken promises into reality - it will make you keep your mouth shut. (C) Ernest Hemingway.
16. I had been sick for three days, and this was very good for my health. (C) Sergey Dovlatov.
17. You yourself, like no other in the whole universe, deserve your love and devotion. (C) Buddha.
18. In order to have sex, a woman needs a reason, a man needs a place. (C) Billy Crystal.
19. I could not wait for success and set off without him. (C) Jonathan Winters.
20. Marriage is an interesting form of combat, according to the rules of which you must sleep with the enemy. (C) Lee Daniel.
21. I am a vegetarian not because I love animals, I just hate plants. (C) A. Whitney Brown.
22. If your wife wants to learn to drive, do not stand in her way. (C) Stan Levinson.
23. To get a woman, tell her that you are impotent. She will certainly check it out. (C) Cary Grant.
24. After twenty years of marriage, I seem to have begun to understand what a woman wants. The answer to this question lies somewhere between dialogue and chocolate. (C) Mel Gibson.
25. There is only one way to a happy marriage; If I find him, I will marry again. (C) Clint Eastwood.
26. The electronic brain will think for us just as an electric chair dies for us. (C) Stanislav Jerzy Lec.
27. Set a goal to do something every day that is not to your liking. This golden rule will help you do your duty without disgust. (C) Mark Twain.
28. Sex is a sitcom. (C) Dmitry Khrapovitsky.
29. Most people are as happy as they themselves decide to be happy. (C) Abraham Lincoln.
30. Mind says - wisdom listens. (C) Jimmy Hendrix.
31. Beer is another proof that the Lord loves us and wants us to be happy. (C) Benjamin Franklin.
32. Go out in people - come in. (C) Vasily Turenko.
33. Nothing spoils a goal like a hit. (C) Attributed to N.Fomenko.
34. A pessimist sees difficulties at every opportunity; the optimist sees opportunity in any difficulty. (C) Winston Churchill.
35. There are only two endless things: the Universe and stupidity. Although I am not sure about the Universe. (C) Albert Einstein.
36. The surest way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it at least once. (C) Joseph Kossman.
37. The director is the same person as everyone else, only he does not know about it. (C) Raymond Churchill.
38. If your wife cheated on you, then rejoice that she cheated on you, and not on your sweetheart. (C) Anton Chekhov.
39. Of two evils, be less. (C) Ambrose Beers.
40. God gave the man a brain and a penis, but, alas, when one of them works, the second lacks blood supply. (C) Robin Williams about Clinton and Lewinsky.
41. They learn from their mistakes - they make a career for others. (C) Alexander Furstenberg.
42. I long remain under the impression that I have made on a woman. (C) Karl Kraus.
43. I have always said that a woman should be like a good horror film: the more space left to the imagination, the better. (C) Alfred Hitchcock.
44. Love your neighbor as yourself, but do not be close to anyone. (C) Louis Beale.
45. The world is ruled by young when they are old. (C) George Bernard Shaw.
46. I can live a life without the necessary, but without too much I can not. (C) Mikhail Svetlov.
47. I am never as busy as I am in my leisure time. (C) Cicero.
48. Bachelor - a man who has a table and a sofa, and the history of the sofa is much richer. (C) Henrik Yagodzinsky.
49. I ll be back. (C) Arnold Schwarzenegger.
50. Love for a woman is something between dialogue and chocolate. And for the husband of the rank - something between sex and beer. (C) Mel Gibson.
The patient is active in bed, often changes postures. (From the history of the disease)
The patient urinated with a thin, gentle stream. (Record in the call card of the ambulance brigade
The patient associates the disease with food intake - yesterday he drank and ate with the sausage that lay in production. (From the record in the sick-list)
In the lower third of the right tibia stab wound (rooster pecked). (From the diagnosis)
As a result of unrealized aggression by frequent urination, the dog shows its protest against the owner. (From the vet's diagnosis)
In the girl’s hands she cracked the dishes and scattered into glass pieces, hitting her body in her body in order to injure herself. (From the history of the disease)
The preliminary diagnosis: worn left heel. The final diagnosis: fracture of the right leg. (Record in the sheet of disability)
Diagnosis: acute respiratory infections. Final diagnosis: burns of the left shoulder blade. (From the history of the disease)
Complaints of the patient: urination plus high pressure. (From hospital card)
She complains about her vision: she can no longer distinguish a girl from a woman. (From the history of the disease)
And they did an enema, but he is still silent. (From the case history) He was treated with home remedies: in the morning he drank vodka, in the afternoon - wine. (From the history of the disease)
Violating the regimen prescribed to him, the patient introduced a piglet with horseradish into the body. (From the history of the disease)
There is an improved condition of the patient - he independently stretches his legs. (From the history of the disease)
On examination of the external genital organs, no violations were found - the eggs in the scrotum. (From the history of the disease)
To give birth to Sosnova flatly refused, citing poor health of her husband. (From the history of the disease)
The patient's condition is satisfactory, the temperature is normal, there was no stool, there was a detour of the professor. (From the history of the disease)
The truth about Carmack:
(note John Carmack - chief programmer of id Software, the company that created Doom 1-2, Hexen, Heretic, RtcW, Doom 3, etc.)
1. Carmack sees the world in four dimensions, and once even drew a self-portrait in the form of a right angle along the 4th axis on a piece of paper. however, in the figure, our 3-dimensional image has degenerated into a straight line (a bad angle), so nobody believes it so far.
2. Carmack invented a lighting model in 3D games, better than real sunlight, giving an acceptable fps on Pentium-2. but does not release the engine in the light, because God likes him and Carmack does not want to show his incompetence in this matter.
3. Carmack sees in the dark, because he lives with the disabled option on the dynamic shadows, and there are no static shadows in real life
4. Carmack once slept on the keyboard on the DEL button and lost a solid part of the priceless code. so now he does and keeps video archives for 5 years with a record of the keyboard and his fingers running over it when writing code.
5. Carmack knows how to call the console for the real universe to type there cheats and sv_gravity 0. but he despises cheaters.
6. Carmack is gothic
7. Carmack owns a patent for the feeling of pleasure derived from a shot at any unpleasant double-barreled shotgun.
8. Carmack in two days wrote the perfect physics engine for any computer game. but then it took months to disfigure him to simulate real physics, because real physics is far from perfect
9. The Devil Sold His Soul to Carmack to Write Doom and Quake
10. Most of Carmack's games are based on real events of the year 3010.
CLASSIFICATION OF WOMEN
16 YEARS: GIRL WITH PLAYER
BENEFITS: You are her first.
MINUSES: You are her first.
APPEARANCE: Green hair, blue nails, black lips. Naked navel with silver bauble, nose ring and monstrous shoes on a three-story platform. But even all of this in aggregate is not able to spoil the gorgeous skin, slender waist and half-distended chest. And no cellulite. Ah, youth, youth ...
FRAGRANCE: A lot of fresh greens and a drop of lemon. Les Belles de Ricci by Nina Ricci.
PLACES VENUE: Necessarily crowded and noisy to nausea. Disneyland in California, in a pinch - the Ferris wheel in the city garden. Popcorn, balloons and palm sweaty with happiness in your hand. In a word, happy company. Join in
CALLS: You will have to live with constant noise, and immediately. The young animals (including, of course, the human young) are, without exception, curious and cheerful, so they move all the time. And scream. Mostly loud. And not always melodious. Therefore, whether you like it or not, you’ll have to find out that the infamous maw, looking like a guard booth, is the singer Zemfira, and the disgusting-looking Gooper with the inveterate drug addict is Mumiy Troll’s darling. What do you want? Youth have their idols.
GIFTS: Acid-colored CD player.
FEEDING: And do not expect to seduce a quick nymphet with a romantic candlelit dinner, "as in adults." All the same, she secretly poured sugar into a magnificent harvest of 96 in Chablis, because she cannot drink "such terrible sourness" and will be afraid of oysters to death. In addition, girls at a tender age confuse cutlery and flirt with waiters. So it is better to limit yourself to a hot dog, a bag of fried potatoes with sour ketchup and a liter glass of milkshake. Heartburn is guaranteed to you, of course, but the child will be in seventh heaven for joy. SEX: Oh! What is this about you? Can I touch it?
FORECAST: She will grow up and forget her parents. Do you remember?
SUMMARY: No, Humbert, the great and terrible, was right. The spicy, chestnut flavor of youth is, of course, great, but girls at this age should still wash their hair from time to time. And take a shower more often.
20 YEARS: ALL AHEAD AND ALL IS ALLOWED
She knows everything. She can do everything. She was everywhere and saw everything. And in general - there is not a steeper professional in the world, a more subtle psychologist and a smarter person than she is gorgeous. And, of course, she knows everything and can do everything in bed. In short, she's a round fool.
BENEFITS: Of course, she will never defend her dissertation, and the world, thank God, will remain the same.
MINUSES: You will be to blame for this.
APPEARANCE: Narrow skirt, dazzling blouse, elastic chest. Goggles in a stupid frame (and with simple, as you understand, glasses), but this way of nibbling the handle cap, this ever-slipping shoulder strap ... The legs, in general, are almost as required, but they use them still with charming clumsiness and secretly prefers faded jeans and old sneakers to heels and suits. In fact, it looks quite appetizing in any way. Especially if it is silent.
Flavor: A whole basket of peaches, raspberries, tangerines and juicy green apples. Eat and would not come off. In Love Again by Ives Saint Laurent.
PLACES OF VENUE: The most sophisticated and cult places. Clubs with big names and disgusting reputation. Do you want to hit the girl in the heart - reduce it to a "blue" or "pink" club. She, of course, will go crazy with embarrassment, but she will break the social lady, picture cigarettes and complain that she has a rhinitis from cocaine, with all her strength. In short, you will like it.
CENTERS: As for cocaine, she, of course, lied. But smoking less it certainly does not hurt. Just as read less on the night of Cortazar and quote in the morning Kierkegaard. But at the same time, explain to the little girl - of course, as a senior comrade and, of course, good British English - that her English, alas, leaves much to be desired ...
GIFTS EXITS: The first volume of the complete Novikovsky collected works of A.P. Sumarokov, M., 1778, in good condition, with drops of tears and I. Dmitrevsky's pencil marks on the margins.
FEEDING: This is where oysters and snails come in handy. Just like truffles, foie gras and consomme with a pie. If only the names were more simple, and the prices are more expensive. Of course, your girl is unlikely to be able to appreciate all these delights, but she will certainly be pleased to feel like an adult. And, of course, obligatory candles, roses, crispy tablecloths and martini dry. But especially do not push too - at this age, girls for some reason are sure that there is a lot - it is not intellectual. Although at night, all the same, they secretly make their way to the refrigerator and, looking around in agony, build themselves a three-story sandwich. And it certainly inspires some optimism.
SEX: Look what I have here ... You can touch it. Yes, not so! Well, I will teach you ...
FORECAST: Everything passes. And youth, unfortunately, too.
SUMMARY: Thank God, youthful maximalism is something like measles. And they get sick only once in a lifetime. For what are the complications ...
25 YEARS: ISLAND OF LOST SHIPS
She added four kilograms, she has four wrinkles and four hundred jars of ekas and lapping from four wrinkles and four kilograms. And, of course, four sorrowful photos on the dresser are the first love, the first husband, the most fatal mistake and the last passion. All - in the past tense and the singular. In a word,
“all is lost, chief, all is lost!” >> Life has resolutely failed. BENEFITS: One of the four wrinkles - between the buttocks.
MINUSES: She is now on a diet. Is always.
APPEARANCE: As is well known, additional roundness and soft spots do not disfigure women at all, but on the contrary decorate them. But if it were not for these stupid quilted bathrobes and slippers with pompoms ...
FRAGRANCE: Roses. Million Scarlet roses. TRESOR from Lancome.
PLACES OF VENUE: In this strange age, even the most active and advanced ladies for some reason wildly domesticated and begin to prefer their own apartment to any place. This is the most monstrously cluttered and vulgar apartment you will walk with her. From the lushly whipped and starched bed (cat, can we lie down?) To the kitchen-soaked borscht aroma (sun, are you not hungry?). Roundtrip. Roundtrip. Until vomit. Continued!
Cries: Her time has come. Finally, she can no longer show off, and read soberly ladies' novels, which she used to hide in a bedside table. And, of course, watch all the sickening TV shows on TV. Contract.
GIFTS: Three kilograms of paired veal from the Central Market.
FEEDING: As you understand, feed it no longer necessary. She herself will feed you. So much so that will not find it: pies with mushrooms, pancakes and pork chop on the bone. And she will sit next to her, gnaw her diet cracker and pitifully, like a woman, sigh.
SEX: Oh, do not look, here I have a crease. And here, too ...
FORECAST: Still, you marry her ... In a pinch, she will marry you. Herself.
SUMMARY: Take yours and run, run, run. Take your legs, feet, legs.
30 YEARS: A LITTLE SUN IN COLD WATER
The last, most greedy breath of air before the executioner in a scarlet robe knocks out a coarsely stool from under her charming legs. In a word, the morning of the Streltsy penalty. All rise, the court is in session! BENEFITS: She herself - a solid plus.
MINUSES: She is 30 years old.
APPEARANCE: She knows how to appear slim and fresh, carefully watches her hands and uses the services of a good cosmetologist. Thank God, finally learned to use cosmetics. What can I say - she has learned a lot over the years, but - alas! This woman's autumn, gentlemen, is a beautiful, but hopeless autumn.
FRAGRANCE: Sweet dust, ashes, the majestic wilt of the classics. Chanel N5 from Chanel.
PLACES VENUE: To see Paris (Los Angeles, Tokyo, London, Rome, etc. - underline) - and die.
CALLS: Unpredictable and capricious, like a pregnant woman. Between times, be sure to try to thoroughly break your heart and ruin your life. In a word, they are in a hurry to live, and they are in a hurry to feel, although it is clear to everyone that the train will not go any further, please release the cars. GIFTS: A 126-carat "Earl of Eagles" diamond set in white gold. For less she does not agree.
FEEDING: Lord, how many times do you explain that I only drink brandy and only a hundred years of aging!
SEX: Yes, yes, yes, honey! Still! Still! Still!
FORECAST: Sorry, gentlemen, but this is no longer a hunt, but a duel. And in front of you is not a frightened game, but a full-fledged rival who, without wincing, will shoot you a bullet right in the middle of the forehead. If you, of course, do not have time to shoot first.
SUMMARY: And in war, as on you. And on you, as in war.
Comprehensive testing on computers For literature
Specify the correct answer:
Griboyedov wrote the poem "Woe ..."
c) for heartburn
d) having nothing to do
The poem-novel "Dead Souls" wrote:
The hero of Dostoevsky's novel "Idiot":
a) Nikolay I
b) Nikolay Ii
The image of Bazarov:
c) is equal to zero
d) with a mustache
In the novel Fadeev "Defeat" the following actors:
c) Snow Maiden
d) Santa Claus
Complete the following quotes correctly:
"I go out alone ..."
a) on the road
b) to work
"My uncle is the most honest ..."
d) could not invent
"He rebelled against the opinions of the light one, as before, and - ..."
d) died his own death
"And a star with a star ..."
d) hanging on the lapel
(L. N. Tolstoy, "War and Peace") "The club of the people's war rose and began ... the enemy with all its rebellious power":
e) nuclear retaliation is inevitable
"And what ... does not like to drive fast!":
c) a member of the Komsomol
d) did not leave earlier
Mayakovsky wrote the poem "...":
c) excellent, Konstantin
d) normally, Gregory
"Life is given to man ...":
a) 1 time
c) many, many times
"To be or not to be - this is what ...":
a) mother gave birth
d) no answer
d) drive a coin
"Rare ... will fly to the middle of the Dnieper!":
b) but the label
c) an old woman lender
d) bird three
"The stupid penguin is hiding ... in the cliffs":
a) the body is fat
c) scuba, weapons and documents