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50 best things men have ever said
1. I love work, it captivates me. I can sit and watch her for hours. (C) Jerome K. Jerome.
2. What if the world is an illusion and there is nothing? Then I definitely overpaid for the carpet. (C) Woody Allen.
3. The doctor gives me two weeks of life. It would be nice in August. (C) Ronnie Shakes.
4. Many men, falling in love with a dimple on their cheek, mistakenly marry the whole girl. (C) Stephen Leacock.
5. Boxing is a friendly hemorrhage. (C) Emil the meek.
6. The first person to throw a curse instead of a stone was the creator of civilization. (C) Sigmund Freud.
7. Freedom of speech is never so precious as when accidentally hammering a finger. (C) Marshall Lamsden.
8. We carry out difficult tasks immediately, impossible - a little later. (C) The motto of the US Air Force.
9. Happiness is pleasure without repentance. (C) L.N. Tolstoy.
10. I am grateful that I have two middle fingers, although it would be nice to have a couple more. (C) Marilyn Manson.
11. Life is what happens to us while we make plans. (C) John Lennon.
12. I do not always know what I'm talking about, but I know that I’m right. (C) Muhammad Ali.
13. Thoughts and women do not come together. (C) M. Zhvanetsky.
14. I love Mickey Mouse more than all the women I know. (C) Walt Disney.
15. Being sober, fulfill all your drunken promises - this will make you keep your mouth shut. (C) Ernest Hemingway.
16. I was ill for three days, and this had a wonderful effect on my health. (C) Sergey Dovlatov.
17. You yourself, like no other in the whole universe, deserve your love and devotion. (C) Buddha.
18. In order to have sex, a woman needs a reason, a man needs a place. (C) Billy Crystal.
19. I could not wait for success and set off without him. (C) Jonathan Winters.
20. Marriage is an interesting form of combat, according to the rules of which you must sleep with the enemy. (C) Lee Daniel.
21. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I just hate plants. (C) A. Whitney Brown.
22. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, do not stand in her way. (C) Stan Levinson.
23. To get a woman, tell her that you are impotent. She will certainly check it out. (C) Carey Grant.
24. After twenty years of marriage, I seem to have begun to understand what a woman wants. The answer lies somewhere between dialogue and chocolate. (C) Mel Gibson.
25. There is only one way to a happy marriage; as soon as I find him, I will marry again. (C) Clint Eastwood.
26. The electronic brain will think for us just like an electric chair dies for us. (C) Stanislav Jerzy Lets.
27. Set a goal daily to do what is not to your liking. This golden rule will help you do your duty without disgust. (C) Mark Twain.
28. Sex is a comedy of situations. (C) Dmitry Khrapovitsky.
29. Most people are as happy as they themselves decide to be happy. (C) Abraham Lincoln.
30. The mind says - wisdom listens. (C) Jimmy Hendricks.
31. Beer is another proof that the Lord loves us and wants us to be happy. (C) Benjamin Franklin.
32. Go out into the people - come in. (C) Vasily Turenko.
33. Nothing spoils the target like a hit. (C) Attributed to N. Fomenko.
34. A pessimist sees difficulties at every opportunity; an optimist sees an opportunity in any difficulty. (C) Winston Churchill.
35. There are only two endless things: the universe and stupidity. Although I’m unsure about the universe. (C) Albert Einstein.
36. The surest way to remember a wife’s birthday is to forget it at least once. (C) Joseph Kossman.
37. The director is the same person as everyone else, only he does not know about it. (C) Raymond Cherchel.
38. If the wife has cheated on you, then rejoice that she cheated on you, and not on the fatherland. (C) Anton Chekhov.
39. Of the two evils, be the lesser. (C) Ambrose Beers.
40. God gave the man a brain and a penis, but, alas, when one of them works, the second does not have enough blood supply. (C) Robin Williams regarding Clinton and Lewinsky.
41. They learn from their mistakes - they make careers from strangers. (C) Alexander Furstenberg.
42. For a long time I remain impressed by the woman. (C) Karl Kraus.
43. I have always said that a woman should be like a good horror movie: the more space left to the imagination, the better. (C) Alfred Hitchcock.
44. Love your neighbor as yourself, but do not be close to anyone. (C) Louis Beale.
45. Young people rule the world when they are old. (C) George Bernard Shaw.
46. I can live life without what is necessary, but without too much, I can’t. (C) Mikhail Svetlov.
47. I am never as busy as in the hours of my leisure. (C) Cicero.
48. A bachelor is a person who has a table and a sofa, and the history of the sofa is much richer. (C) Henrik Jagodzinsky.
49. I ll be back. (C) Arnold Schwarzenegger.
50. Love for a woman is something between dialogue and chocolate. And for the man, there is something between sex and beer. (C) Mel Gibson.
The patient in bed is active, often changes posture. (From the medical history)
The patient urinated with a thin, gentle stream. (Entry in the call card of the ambulance crew
The patient associates the disease with food intake - yesterday he drank and ate a sausage lying at the factory. (From the record on the sick leave)
In the lower third of the right lower leg, a stab wound (the cock pecked). (From the diagnosis)
As a result of unrealized aggression through frequent urination, the dog protests against the owner. (From the diagnosis of a veterinarian)
In the hands of the girl, the dishes cracked and scattered into glass parts, partly digging into her body for the purpose of injury. (From the medical history)
The diagnosis is preliminary: attrition of the left heel. The diagnosis is final: a fracture of the right leg. (Entry on the disability sheet)
Diagnosis: acute respiratory infections. Final diagnosis: burn of the left shoulder blade. (From the medical history)
Patient complaints: urination plus high blood pressure. (From the hospital card)
Complains of vision: can no longer distinguish a girl from a woman. (From the medical history)
And they did an enema, but he is still silent. (From the medical history) He was treated with home remedies: drank vodka in the morning, wine in the afternoon. (From the medical history)
Violating the regimen prescribed to him, the patient introduced a piglet with horseradish into the body. (From the medical history)
An improved condition of the patient is noted - he independently stretches his legs. (From the medical history)
When examining the external genitalia, no violations were revealed - eggs in the scrotum. (From the medical history)
Sosnova categorically refused to give birth, motivating her husband with poor health. (From the medical history)
The patient's condition is satisfactory, the temperature is normal, there was no stool, there was a bypass of the professor. (From the medical history)
The truth about Carmack:
(approx. John Carmack - chief programmer id Software, the company that created Doom 1-2, Hexen, Heretic, RtcW, Doom 3, etc.)
1. Carmack sees the world in four dimensions and once even drew a self-portrait in the form at right angles along the 4th axis on a piece of paper. the truth in the picture, our 3-dimensional image degenerated into a straight line (an unfortunate angle), so no one still believes him.
2. Carmack invented a lighting model in 3D games, better than real sunlight, giving an acceptable FPS for Pentium-2. but does not release the engine into the light, because God is nice to him and Carmack does not want to show his incompetence in this matter
3. Carmack sees in the dark, because he lives with the disabled option on dynamic shadows, but there are no static shadows in real life
4. Carmack once settled on the keyboard on the DEL button and lost a solid part of the priceless code. therefore, now he makes and stores video archives for 5 years with a record of the keyboard and his fingers running on it when he writes the code.
5. Carmack knows how to call a console for the real universe to type cheats and sv_gravity 0. but he despises cheaters.
6. Carmack is gothic
7. Carmack owns a patent for the feeling of pleasure received from firing shots at any unpleasant shotgun
8. Carmack in two days wrote the perfect physics engine for any computer game. but then it took many months to disfigure it to simulate real physics, because real physics is far from perfect
9. The devil sold his soul to Carmack to write doom and quake
10. Most of Carmack's games are based on real events of the 3010 year.
CLASSIFICATION OF WOMEN
16 YEARS: GIRL WITH PLAYER
PROS: You are her first.
CONS: You are her first.
APPEARANCE: Green hair, blue nails, black lips. A naked navel with a silver bauble, a nose ring and monstrous shoes on a three-story platform. But even all this in aggregate is not able to spoil the magnificent skin, thin waist and half-opened chest. And no cellulite. Eh, youth, youth ...
FRAGRANCE: A lot of fresh herbs and a drop of lemon. Les Belles de Ricci by Nina Ricci.
PLACES WALKED: Necessarily crowded and noisy to nausea. Disneyland in California, in extreme cases - a Ferris wheel in a city garden. Popcorn, balloons and a sweaty palm of happiness in your hand. In a word, a fun company. Pour in.
ADDICTIONS: You will have to put up with constant noise, and right away. Young animals (including, of course, human cubs) are, without exception, curious and cheerful, so they move all the time. And they scream. Mostly loud. And not always melodic. Therefore, whether you want it or not, you will have to find out that the vilely meowing girl, like a guardhouse, turns out to be Zemfira’s singer, and the disgusting-looking Hugnist with the face of an inveterate drug addict is “the darling of Lagutenko” from the group “Mumiy Troll”. What do you want? Young people have their idols.
GIFTS: acid-colored CD player.
NUTRITION: And do not hope to seduce a nimble nimthat with a romantic dinner by candlelight, "like in adults." Anyway, she secretly sprinkles sugar into the magnificent 96-year-old Chablis, because she cannot drink “such terrible sour meat” and she will be frightened of oysters to death. In addition, girls at a tender age confuse cutlery and flirt with the waiters. So it’s better to limit yourself to a hot dog, a bag of fried potatoes with sour ketchup and a liter glass of milkshake. Heartburn, of course, is guaranteed, but the child will be in seventh heaven with joy. SEX: Oh! What do you have? Can I touch?
FORECAST: She will grow up and forget her parents. Do you remember?
SUMMARY: No, Humbert, great and terrible, was right. The spicy, chestnut aroma of youth is, of course, great, but girls at this age should still wash their hair from time to time. And take a shower more often.
20 YEARS: EVERYTHING AHEAD AND ALL ALLOWED
She knows everything. She knows everything. She was everywhere and saw everything. And in general - there is no steeper professional in the world, no more subtle psychologist and more intelligent person than she, magnificent. And, of course, she knows everything and knows everything in bed. In a word, she is a round fool.
PROS: Of course, she will never defend her thesis, and, thank God, the world will remain the same.
CONS: You will be to blame.
APPEARANCE: Narrow skirt, dazzling blouse, elastic breasts. Glasses in a stupid frame (and with simple glasses, as you understand), but this way of biting the cap of the handle, this strap that always slides off the round shoulder ... Legs, in general, are already almost as required, but she uses them still with charming clumsiness and secretly prefers worn jeans and old sneakers to stilettos and suits. By the way, she looks quite appetizing in any form. Especially if it is silent.
AROMA: A whole basket of peaches, raspberries, tangerines and juicy green apples. I would eat and did not come off. In Love Again by Ives Saint Laurent.
PLACES WALKED: The most sophisticated and cult places. Clubs with big names and a disgusting reputation. If you want to hit the girl in the heart - take her to the "blue" or "pink" club. She, of course, would die of embarrassment, but she would break the social lady with all her might, smoke a cigarette in a picture, and complain visibly that she had a runny nose from cocaine. In a word, you will like it.
Addictions: About cocaine, of course, she lied. But smoking less will certainly not hurt her. Just as less read on Cortazar's night and quote in the morning Kierkegaard. And at the same time explain to the baby - of course, as an older comrade and, of course, in good British English - that her English, alas, leaves much to be desired ...
GIFTS: The first volume of the complete Novikov collected works of A.P. Sumarokov, M., 1778, in good condition, with drops of tears and pencil marks of I. Dmitrevsky in the fields.
FEEDING: Here oysters and snails are quite useful to you. Just like truffles, foie gras and consomme with pie. If only the names were more elaborate, and the prices are more expensive. Of course, it is unlikely that your girlfriend will be able to appreciate all these delights, but she will certainly be pleased to feel like an adult. And, of course, candles, roses, crunchy tablecloths and martini drives are required. But especially don’t push too hard - at this age, the girls for some reason are sure that there are a lot - not intellectually. Although at night they all the same secretly make their way to the refrigerator and, looking around hunted by harassment, build themselves a three-story sandwich. And this, of course, inspires some optimism.
SEX: Look what I have here ... You can touch. Not so! Well, I will teach you ...
FORECAST: Everything passes. And youth, unfortunately, too.
SUMMARY: Thank God youthful maximalism is something like measles. And they only get sick once in a lifetime. For what are the complications ...
25 YEARS: ISLAND OF DIED SHIPS
She added four kilograms, she has four wrinkles and four hundred jars of nuts and grinding in from four wrinkles and four kilograms. And, of course, four mournful photographs on the dressing table - first love, first husband, the most fatal mistake and last passion. Everything is in the past tense and singular. In a word,
<< everything was lost, chef, everything was gone! >> Life decidedly failed. PROS: One of the four wrinkles is between the buttocks.
CONS: She's on a diet now. Is always.
APPEARANCE: As you know, additional roundness and soft spots do not spoil women at all, but even on the contrary decorate them. But if not for these stupid quilted bathrobes and slippers with pompons ...
FRAGRANCE: Roses. Million Scarlet roses. TRESOR by Lancome.
PLACES WALKED: At this strange age, even the most active and advanced ladies for some reason wildly domesticate and begin to prefer their own apartment to any place. Here on this very monstrously cluttered and vulgar apartment you will walk with it. From a lushly whipped and starched bed (a cat, can we lie down?) To a kitchen saturated with aromas of borscht (sun, are you hungry?). Roundtrip. Roundtrip. Until vomiting. To be continued!
FAVORITES: Her time has come. Finally, she can no longer show off, and bitterly read ladies' novels, which she had previously bashfully hidden in a nightstand. And, of course, watch all the sickening series on TV. Contract.
GIFTS: Three kilograms of fresh veal from the Central Market.
FEEDING: As you understand, it is no longer necessary to feed her. She will feed you. So much so that it doesn’t seem enough: with mushroom pies, pancakes, and pork chop on the bone. And she will sit next to her, bite her diet cracker and pity, like a woman, sigh.
SEX: Oh, don’t look, I have a fold here. And here too ...
FORECAST: Still, you will marry her ... In extreme cases, she will marry you. Herself.
SUMMARY: Take yours and run, run, run. Take away your legs, legs, feet.
30 YEARS: A LITTLE SUN IN COLD WATER
The last, most greedy breath of air before the executioner in the scarlet hoodie knocked out a roughly knitted stool from under her charming legs. In a word, the morning of the execution. All rise, the court is in session! PROS: She herself is a solid plus.
CONS: She's 30 years old.
APPEARANCE: She knows how to look slim and fresh, carefully watches her hands and uses the services of a good cosmetologist. Thank God, I finally learned how to use cosmetics. What can I say - she learned a lot over the years, but - alas! This woman has autumn, gentlemen, a beautiful but hopeless autumn.
FRAGRANCE: Sweet dust, decay, majestic withering of the classics. Chanel N5 by Chanel.
PLACES WALKED: See Paris (Los Angeles, Tokyo, London, Rome, etc. - underline as necessary) - and die.
ADDICTIONS: Unpredictable and capricious, like a pregnant woman. In between, he will certainly try to thoroughly break your heart and ruin your life. In a word, in a hurry, and in a hurry to feel, although it is clear to everyone that the train will not go further, please release the wagons. GIFTS: Diamond "Count of Eagles" in 126 carats in a frame of white gold. She does not agree to less.
FEEDING: Lord, how many times have you to explain that I drink only cognac and only a hundred years old!
SEX: Yes, yes, yes, honey! Yet! Yet! Yet!
FORECAST: Sorry, gentlemen, but this is no longer a hunt, but a duel. And before you is not a frightened game, but a full-fledged opponent, who, without wincing, will shut up a bullet right in the middle of your forehead. If you, of course, do not have time to shoot first.
SUMMARY: And in war, as in you. And on you, as in war.
Comprehensive computer testing Literature
Indicate the correct answer:
Griboedov wrote the poem "Woe ..."
b) from the mind
c) from heartburn
d) nothing to do
The poem novel "Dead Souls" wrote:
The hero of Dostoevsky’s novel "Idiot":
a) Nicholas I
b) Nicholas II
The image of Bazarov:
c) is equal to zero
d) with a mustache
In Fadeev’s novel "The rout" the following characters:
c) Snow Maiden
d) Santa Claus
Complete the following quotes correctly:
"I go out alone ..."
a) on the road
b) to work
c) on a bear
"My uncle is the most honest ..."
d) could not invent
"He rebelled against the opinions of the world alone, as before, and - ..."
d) died his death
"And a star with a star ..."
d) hanging on the lapel
(L. N. Tolstoy, "War and Peace") "The club of the people's war rose and began ... the enemy with all its rebellious power":
b) to paint
e) nuclear retaliation is inevitable
"And what ... doesn’t like to drive fast!":
c) member of the Komsomol
d) did not leave earlier
Mayakovsky wrote the poem "...":
c) excellent, Konstantin
d) normal, Gregory
"Life is given to man ...":
a) 1 time
c) many more many times
"To be or not to be - that’s what ...":
a) mother gave birth
d) no answer
e) drive a coin
"Rare ... fly to the middle of the Dnieper!":
b) but the label
c) old lady
e) three bird
"Stupid penguin hiding ... in the cliffs":
a) the body is fat
c) scuba gear, weapons and documents