This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: jokes jokes stories funny


Networking Tutorial - Internet for Dummies

Many of us have met words like DHCP, TTL, PING and RAUTE somewhere. This is something related to the Internet and communication, these are phrases for specialists and hackers. Want to know more about this, and at the level for teapots, like Vanya Pupkin? Then read the article ...
DHCP
You woke up after a wild booze. Your first words are "who am I?" and "where am I?". A neighbor who did not drink vodka with beer tells you all your parameters: who you are and where. This neighbor acts as a DHCP server. Note that there may be so-called "false DHCP servers" on the network, for example, a wife - to your question "who am I?" it will give out incorrect information: "you damn alcoholic." So it is not always the dynamic issue of the parameters is safe, it is recommended to write down your parameters (what is your name, your address, etc.) on a piece of paper.
Default route
Go up to the passerby and ask, "Can you tell me how to get to the morgue of the name Nevmirovich-Danchenko?". With high probability you will send nahyy. So this is the default route, in other words, if the destination address is not known, packets are sent to the default route (synonyms: default gateway, dafault gateway).
TTL concept
Imagine that you are 5 years old and you want to eat. You go to your dad and say, "Dad, I want to eat." Your dad is watching TV, according to the routing table about sends you to mom. You go to her and ask "Mamaaa, I want to eat." Mom talks with her friend on the phone and according to her routing table sends you to dad. And so you go like a fool from dad to mom and back, back and forth, back and forth, and all because Krivoruk admins (parents of mom and dad) incorrectly configured the routing table. In order to protect themselves from such situations, they came up with the concept of TTL (Time To Live), which, as applied to our situation, means the amount of patience the boy has until he says “fucked” and falls before his mother’s or father’s feet in a helpless state. The latter, according to the rules (standards - this is “so instituted in the family”), is obliged to send a short, unfriendly review to the address of the one who sent the boy to eat. This is the so-called boy-died icmp package.
Ping
Of course, you have been in the situation of the fool himself. You shout "Petya you, eBlan," and in response you hear, "Vasya, the eBlan itself." This is the simplest ping. You have just pinged Vasya. Not everyone responds to pings, especially cultural ones, for example Microsoft.com do not bother to respond to your requests. With such a quarrel is useless, we know that they hear and are angry, but we cannot achieve a reaction. Nevertheless, ping is a good way to find out if the host is alive, because kicking a corpse with your feet will not achieve the “fool himself” reaction
Traceroute
Imagine that you live on the 9th floor and you want to know all the tenants who live from you to Klavka from the 3rd. You take a burst bag and, based on the free-fall formula, calculate the time of the explosion of the package over the 8th floor. This is TTL = 1. After the package and the banker - the outraged face of a neighbor from the 8th floor will look out. The response time depends on the server load, i.e. from the employment of the neighbor and from the shapes, i.e. whether your system is in the air or you live on a planet where the atmosphere is liquid nitrogen. So, if you don’t wait for an answer at all - your neighbor is deaf - icmp answers are forbidden to him, or he forbade them only for you if your feints have already forgotten him and he has learned to ignore you. Further you expose TTL = 2, etc. Do not forget that if Klavka lives above you, this is No route to host Sad.
American boy diary
Found by Chinese archaeologists in 2813 on the ruins of Washington

April 3, 2005
My name is Michael Down. I live in USA. This is a country around which the earth and the sun revolve. I recently even wrote an essay on this topic, and Itel gave me the highest score.
Today I got up early. In the morning, immediately weighed. Hooray! I lost another 200 grams. And now my weight is only 145 kg. But a month ago it was 146! But papa said that if I didn’t lose weight, girls wouldn’t meet up with me. In general, I prefer boys, because girls are so old-fashioned to meet.
Then I had breakfast. Breakfast I had a dietary cereal with skim milk and two toasted toast with jam. As a light dessert, I ate 4 double hamburger.
Breakfast was fun. My father and I competed, who pulls louder. Louder happened to me. My father now owes me 5 bucks. If by the evening I will not give up the condemnation.
My school is 500 meters away from home. Good thing I have a car. Therefore, I arrived in just an hour, today I had to stand in traffic jams for a very short time. The lessons were boring. For example, in history, the teacher carried some sort of nonsense about what Columbus discovered America. How do they take a teacher !? After all, elementary logic says that America was discovered by us, the Americans. That is why it is called America.
It was more interesting on geography. How many interesting things are happening in the world! For example, the teacher said that there is such a country as Africa. In its capital Egypt, there are triangular skyscrapers inhabited by evil Russian mummies. And why don't these Russians give us peace anywhere? ..
In the evening I went to the party to Leslie. There were about 40 of us. My friend Jim stole 2 bottles of beer from his father. We were all so drunk that we forgot the pool.

April 7th.
Today is the day off. I wanted to sleep a little longer, but my father made me play baseball on the front lawn. At first it was boring, but then I got involved. It's so exciting for three hours to throw each other a ball from a distance of 3 meters. Wonderful sport and very intelligent!
After dinner, my father made me watch President Bush’s message on TV. We had a great time: we ate popcorn and listened to the president. He spoke about how important it is for America to bomb everyone, because otherwise all these primitive peoples do not understand what happiness our country brings to them. It was always incomprehensible to me why these fools are outraged when we bomb them. After all, without this they will never know the taste of Coca-Cola and the hamburger, and, therefore, they will not build democracy. God save America a country that is ready to love anyone. And if someone does not want to be happy, we can always make him.
After seeing Bush’s address, the whole family sang for a long time the American anthem and wept from the realization of our greatness and understanding of the divine mission entrusted to us by the Lord.
During dinner, my father and I again arranged a competition for the loudest bunch. Our dog won. She did it so loudly that the frightened neighbors shouting “Russian are coming!” Hid in the basement. I had to lure them until the night. Until I finally decided to tell them that tomorrow there would be a sale at the nearest supermarket, and they would be able to buy electric popywashing machines 10 cents cheaper than the usual price. Immediately jumped out
Everything, I decided to become a geographer. I want, just like them, to study this beautiful science of geometry. Today our teacher held a remarkable lesson! He talked about a distant country called Russia. I knew a lot about this wild state before. For example, everyone is well aware that Russians are a cross between a bear and a man who eat alcohol and birch trees, live in the taiga in deep holes, and on holidays they set fire to the Kremlin and drive round dances around it.
After the teacher’s story, I know about Russia, probably more than its inhabitants themselves. For example, in this country are the American reserves of oil and gas. When we need them, we will come for them. In addition, in Russia there are deposits of black and red caviar, as well as deposits of vodka and pancakes. The Russians spend these riches barbarously: they eat and drink, depriving future generations of Americans. The real evil empire!
After school I went to a psychoanalyst. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice and teaches how to live. Today he taught me to flush with me in the restroom. And I thought why we always stink in the toilet. Must tell your family does not know yet
In the evening he played tetris. Deadly action! At the third level, I was cut off. Then I climbed on porn sites www. pentagon.com and www. whitehouse.org. Inserts not childish + Satisfied with the day and his right hand, went to bed

April 24th.
Today in mathematics they learned to count to ten. Heavy this science. Now it is clear why we are beginning to study it only in high school. I got to 7. Teacher praised me. I have it too.
Then there was physical education. While my friends were spying in the shower for the girls, I was looking at the physical instructor. So carried away that he did not notice how everyone had already showered and began to spy on me.
At the big break, Bob brought his father’s pistol and started shooting at the girls. That was fun! The girls squealed, tried to run away, but Bob caught up with them and finished them off with a control shot in the head. Then the police arrived, and for some reason Bob was taken away. But he was just having fun ... We were immediately released to their homes.

May 8th.
Today was an unusual history lesson. A teacher told us how exactly 28 years ago, American troops took Berlin and defeated Germany. It turns out that in 1958, the bloody dictator Sadam Hussein, who at that time led Germany, attacked London and bombed its capital Warsaw. The Germans on tanks and bicycles captured Paris, Brussels, Kiev and Birobidzhan. After the capture of Birobidzhan, the United States lost patience, and they entered the war. First, the Germans were bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then in Disneyland. The Germans began to retreat. Then the American troops surrounded Germany and destroyed the entire Berlin with pinpoint strikes, hoisting a star-and-striped flag over the Eiffel Tower. Saddam Hussein was caught in a Berlin suburb where he was hiding in the basement of a supermarket. The bloody dictator was tried and sent to penal servitude on St. Helena. And all the peoples of the world applauded in unison the brave soldiers of the US Army and threw flowers, fruits and vegetables at them. And so the Second World War ended, after which it became clear to all the bloody dictators: no one was yet alive from democracy

May 11th
Today, after school, we were taken on an excursion to an art gallery. Found what to surprise: some daub, women are naked. I have seen better on the Internet. Jim pinned and stuck the gum to some picture on the wall. And Leslie broke off a finger from a sculpture.
When our bus was already driving off, a panic began in the gallery. Some old woman was running and screaming: “She's worth one and a half million dollars!”. Jim and Leslie and I winked at each other, because it was our contribution to world culture. We acted like real Americans.
In the evening with my father went to the hockey. The first period began, and a puck flew right into my head. Woke up in the hospital. Doctors shook their heads in surprise: oh, no, there is no concussion

33 rules for guests
1. Birthdays love big and expensive gifts. Buy a friend a log and hand it with the words "Old man! Now you have something to wear on Saturdays!".
2. Put your shoes in the refrigerator, sincerely assuring the owners that this gives a unique taste and aroma to the products.
3. Constantly contact the host "Hey! You! Where have I seen you before ?!"
4. When everyone starts telling jokes and stories, remember when the owner's wife, how you went with him and the girls to the sauna. Wink to the owner - "Well, you gave them the heat then!"
5. Take a long look at the host, then whisper to him: "Listen, I know one good doctor here ..."
6. If you are invited to spend the night, ask if you can not sleep with the hostess.
7. Lift the master's dog by the tail, look at it for a long time, saying "What a nasty cat ...".
8. In the midst of the fun, stand up silently and gloomily say "The Game." Look at the reaction of others.
9. Ask the hostess - is she so fat, or do you have bad glasses?
10. Constantly contact the hostess "Desh-shka! Two shampusika and girls in the room, please!"
11. Present for the New Year an enema. Gladly suggest to try it on the host. Or tell me that this is a family heirloom left over from your great-grandfather.
12. Look at the furniture and ask, "Did you buy it at the same flea market as the neighbors below, or did they throw out yours?"
13. Bring the pictures from the “The police are looking for them” stand (and the stand itself and five to forty people from the police station) and meticulously compare the photos with the faces of those present.
14. Go to a friend at 4 o'clock in the morning and sympathetically ask, "Can you not sleep either, old man?"
15. Ask if you can swim in the bathroom with his girlfriend and mistress.
16. Bring with you a WOMAN. Explain that this is a distant relative and close friend who has nowhere to go for a lot.
17. Break the last bottle of vodka.
18. In the morning with a hangover offer to ride on a swing or roller coaster.
19. Closely look at the son of the owners, saying "It does not look like a folder at all ... absolutely ...". Or say "Well, all in the Father" and wink hostess.
20. Call an ambulance friend at night.
21. Order the girls to all the guests and two to the owner personally. Of course, all at his expense.
22. Before leaving, borrow money.
23. Convince the owners to start doing a permutation and repair in the house right now. Immediately begin to tear off the wallpaper.
24. Ask if the owners are Nobel Prize winners in the field of cockroach.
25. Give the owner a set of women's cosmetics, and the hostess - a whip and leather belts.
26. Come to visit in a suit of anti-radiation protection.
27. Ask "What does it smell like here ?!" then scream away.
28. Show master several techniques jiu-jitsu. Do not pay him the hospital, claiming that he himself is to blame.
29. Get a syringe and a suspicious white powder with the words "I dispatcher! Flight to Nirvana, get ready for departure!".
30. At the meeting, joyfully kiss the master on the cheeks and nose, take hands and say "You know, something has changed in my life!"
31. Call. When you open, open and close your mouth, wrinkle your mouth. Then confusedly confess to the owner "Old man, something I forgot what is your name ...".
32. When the hosts introduce you to other guests, greet them with the following phrases or mumble quietly under your breath: “I remember, I remember, $ 50 per hour”, “Oh, did you then beat the old woman at the store?”, “Oh, you so you will look great in a salad with a face "," (sniffing with a sour face) Yes, the man should only smell like a man "," Are you losing weight? (guest, guest :) - Not. (you :) "Greatly ..."
33. With a gloomy look, go after the guests and, carefully aiming, step on their feet.
Notes of the newborn
... And do not lean your ear against the stomach and ask an idiotic question! Do not! Is boy or girl? Boy i boy Or a girl? Try to disassemble here in the dark!
My mother definitely wants me to be a boyfriend. It is easier for a boy to not marry a boy.
And I do not want something. Guys are all crazy. My grandfather, for example. Every half an hour, yelling begins: "It has begun, it has begun! Fast, fast!" And so the fifth month.
My dad is also crazy. He left us when I was not even three months from conception. He says it is still unknown whose child I am. How is it for her ?! How is it whose? What, I do not remember, what if! Yes, I recognize everyone by voice, do not turn away!
Girl, too, be not very hunting.
Well, let's say my grandmother has nothing yet. She works in our restaurant. Without her, mother and I would have died of hunger long ago. My good grandmother reminds us about this every day.
And my mother's friends? Shh ... Only quiet. They do not like me. They say that it is necessary to get rid of me. What did I do to them? They say that if there is a girl, she will be unhappy, as they are, and if there is a man, then it is better to kill this reptile.
In! Again they came to give advice on how to make miscarriage with my mother. Bathroom with mustard, on their advice, we have already taken. Needles pricked. Yesterday we were even frightened by the skeleton from the corner. Mama barely became a stutterer, and I almost threw myself out of laughter.
And today decided to jump from the closet. And one, and two, and three! Fly! Cool feeling! Like on a plane. True, a little out of the window is blowing, but still great. Mama's only sorry for me, nothing, and she returned the whole ass when approaching.
Fools women, trying in vain. I do not intend to leave here. What have I not seen there? What are your problems ?! In short, I decided to hold on to the ribs to the last.
And now my mom is standing in the queue. Some strange queue. Alone blind. Everyone is pushing, stepping on their feet, and as they look at prices, they will squint and ask again: how much, how much ?!
Citizen behind, do not push your belly! Is it pregnant too? And h his child gurgles so strangely? Drowned what?
And you, the man in front, do not press on the stomach. Not to me mom. Apologized! He still scoffs. And the bag to bring home to take! Well, just premature. Do not see that we are pregnant? The phone asks. Says it is love at first sight. He is also a moron. Is it in our time at first sight in someone fall in love? I understand the view from the second or third.
Fool! She did not give the phone, but she also lied that she had a strict and jealous husband. And you asked me? Maybe I dreamed of such a father all the pregnancy, but her phone was not found too much.
Hey, buddy, wait! Stand, I tell you! You do not believe my fool. Do you believe me! We have no husband, some bastards. We need a husband as needed!
Father! Batyana! Folder! Daddy! .. Infection! Gone! And this one is gone! And our bag with a claimed. Probably from excitement. Here and my mother something excited.
Oh, mommy! It seems that these, as they there, began fights! In, as mom screams! How tormented, poor thing! But I still will not leave. Give birth to anyone: hedgehogs, elephants, orangutans, but not me.
And who else is feeling us from all sides? Do not paw! Do not paw, my mother, I said! And I do not care what a gynecologist. Well, what are you staring at, shameless eyes? Get out ?! Sly what. Who needs me there. Better get yourself a twin.
What's that? Something warm, affectionate. Arm! Soft mother's hand! She pats me! So mom loves me! So I need someone!
Well, you, gynecologist, hear! So be it, I'll go out. Just come on without hands. No hands, I said! He will also tell me how to be properly born! In general, you better get out of the way. And then it is broken with alcohol, it’s already dark in the eyes.
Well, with this turmoil forgot how there: forward legs or a head? Feet forward or head? Oh yeah, now head, and then kicked forward then.
So! My way out! .. Ahhh! Well, what are you looking at? Aaaa! I'm already yelling tired. Aaaa! Well, applaud, finally!

Male logic against female
They say logic is logic. They also love female logic very much.
Nonsense is all this, although maybe it’s me and my female just something I misunderstand.
I send my husband for a beer, saying:
Buy two bottles of beer.
Returns, brings four. Not that I strongly resented, but still paid attention:
I kind of asked to buy two?
The husband answers:
All right, two to you, two to me.
Is it logical so I thought it was logical. But she added to herself: << With this you have to do something >>
The next time I send my husband for a beer, I say:
Buy two bottles of beer. One for you, one for me. Got it?
Got it!
Returns, brings four. I spread my arms to the side and try to clarify:
I kind of talked about the two.
The answer was as logical as the previous one.
That's right, you first said two bottles of beer, and then added one to you to me, making a total of four.
Is it logical so I thought it was logical. For myself, the truth added: “We must somehow fight this”.
I send my husband for a beer, bearing in mind the previous cases, trying to communicate clearly.
Buy one bottle of beer for yourself, one for me. Got it? and so, for clarity, she repeated One to herself, one to me.
Is returning. Brings four. I look at the package and think: “Well, sort of, well, she quite said about two. Maybe in the eyes of two? >> no all right really four.
In general, I stand, I clap eyes with each other, and I work out the policy of the party, but first I clarify:
Is it two?
Why two? four.
So I said one at a time?
That's right, you said so. One for yourself, one for you, one for yourself, one for you in total we get four.
Is it logical is logical. Well, I think, a mathematician, you just can not take us.
Well we go, in the mood, clever books are flipping through, we cross-stitch and we can also make raspberry jam .. with a spoon from a can. Anyway.
I send my husband for a beer.
Buy say two bottles of beer I allocate funds for this grateful mission and voice the exact amount of delivery I want to get back. Is returning. Brings four.
I stand looking in the package. I think deja vu. Naturally I immediately do my hands on the sides and the sly squint of the eyes of a professional bitch:
Well?
Baranka wildebeest! surrender hold.
So, it was impossible to quarrel, nothing, we will postpone it until better times. But there are still doubts.
But still, four and surrender, as from two it is not clear Apple tree, what is not clear about yours? I also have money
Although there may be logic here and not where it can just be bitchiness?