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Textbook on Networking Technologies - Internet for Dummies

Many of us somewhere met words like DHCP, TTL, PING and RAUTE. This is something connected with the Internet and communication, these are the catchwords for specialists and hackers. Do you want to know more about this, and at the level for dummies, like Vanya Pupkin? Then read the article ...
DHCP
You woke up after a wild booze. Your first words "who am I?" and "where am I?". A neighbor who did not drink vodka with beer tells you all your parameters: who you are and where. This neighbor acts as a DHCP server. Note that there may be so-called "false DHCP servers" on the network, for example, the wife - to your question "who am I?" she will give the wrong information: "you're an alcoholic". So, it's not always possible to issue dynamic parameters safely, it is recommended to write down your parameters (like your name, your address, etc.) on a piece of paper.
Default route
Approach the passer-by and ask "do you tell me how to get to the morgue named after Nevmirovich-Danchenko?". With a high degree of probability you will be sent nahy. So this is the default route, in other words, if the destination address is not known, then packets are sent to the route by default (synonyms: default gateway, dafault gateway).
The concept of TTL
Imagine that you are 5 years old and want to eat. You go to your father and say: "Daddy, I want to eat." Your dad is watching TV, according to the routing table o sends you to Mom. You go to her and ask "Mamaaa, I want to eat." Mom chats with a girlfriend on the phone and according to her routing table sends you to dad. And so you walk like a fool from dad to mom and back, back and forth, back and forth, and all because the crooked admins (parents of dad and mom) have incorrectly configured the routing table. To protect themselves from such situations, they came up with the concept of TTL (Time To Live), which in our situation means the amount of patience of the boy until he says "fucked" and falls in the helpless condition before his mother or father's feet. The latter, according to the rules (standards - this is "so established in the family"), must send a short unflattering response to the address of the one who sent the boy to eat. This is the so-called icmp-package "the boy has died"
Ping
You certainly have been in the situation "the fool himself." You shout "Petya you, eblan", and in response you hear "Vasya, eblan himself". This is a simple ping. You just pushed Vasya. Not everyone responds to pings, especially cultural ones, for example Microsoft.com do not bother to respond to your requests. With such a quarrel useless, we know that they hear and are angry, but we can not get reactions. Nevertheless, ping - a good way to find out whether the host is alive, because kicking the corpse with your feet will not achieve the reaction "the fool himself"
Traceroute
Imagine that you live on the 9th floor and want to know all the tenants who live from you to Klavki from the 3rd. You take an explosion and, based on the formula of free fall, you calculate the time of explosion of the packet over the 8th floor. This is TTL = 1. After the package is busted - the bristling face of a neighbor from the 8th floor looks out. The reaction time depends on the server load, i.e. from employment of the neighbor and from the forms, i.e. in the air whether your system or you live on a planet where the atmosphere is liquid nitrogen. So, if you do not expect an answer at all - your neighbor is deaf - he has forbidden icmp answers, or he forbade them only for you if he was already pestered by your tricks and he learned to ignore you. Then you set TTL = 2, etc. Do not forget, if Klavka lives above you, this is No route to host Sad.
Diary of an American boy
Found by Chinese archaeologists in 2813 on the ruins of Washington

3 April 2005
My name is Michael Down. I live in the USA. This is such a country around which the earth and the sun rotate. I recently even wrote an essay on this topic, and the teacher gave me the highest score.
Today I got up early. In the morning immediately weighed. Hooray! I lost another 200 grams. And now my weight is only 145 kg. But a month ago there were 146! But Dad said that if I do not lose weight, then the girls will not meet with me. Actually, I prefer boys, because it's so old-fashioned to meet girls.
Then I had breakfast. Breakfast I got a diet oat flakes with skim milk and two toasted toasts with jam. As a light dessert I ate 4 double hamburgers.
It was fun at breakfast. My father and I competed, who louder farts. Loud turned out for me. Father now owes me 5 bucks. If by evening I will not surrender.
My school is far from home 500 meters away. It is good that I have a car. So I got there in just an hour, in traffic jams I had to stand just a short time. The lessons were boring. For example, in history, the teacher was carrying some kind of nonsense about the discovery of Columbus by America. How such a teacher is taken !? After all, the elementary logic says that America was discovered by us, the Americans. That's why it's called America.
It was more interesting on geography. How many interesting things happen in the world! For example, the teacher said that there is a country like Africa. In its capital, Egypt, there are triangular skyscrapers, inhabited by evil Russian mummies. And why do not these Russians give us peace anywhere? ..
In the evening I went to a party with Leslie. We were a man of 40. My friend Jim took two bottles of beer from his father. We all drank so much that the pool paled.

7 April.
Today is a day off. I wanted to sleep longer, but my father made me play baseball on the lawn in front of the house. At first it was boring, but then I got involved. It's so exciting three hours to throw each other at a distance of 3 meters from each other. A wonderful sport and very intelligent!
After dinner, my father made me watch President Bush's address on TV. We had a great time: eating popcorn and listening to the president. He talked about how important it is for America to bomb everyone, because otherwise all these primitive peoples do not understand what happiness our country is having. I always wondered why these fools are indignant when we bomb them. After all, without this they will never know the taste of Coca-Cola and hamburger, but, it's true, they will not build democracy. God save America, a country ready to astact anyone. And if someone does not want to be happy, we can always force him.
After viewing Bush's address, we all sang the American anthem for a long time and wept from the awareness of our greatness and understanding of the divine mission, which is entrusted to us by the Lord.
At dinner, my father and I again arranged a competition for the loudest bunch. Our dog won. She did it so loudly that frightened neighbors with screams "Russian go!" Hid in the basement. They had to deceive them until nightfall. Until I finally realized to them that tomorrow there will be a sale in the nearest supermarket, and they will be able to buy electric taps for 10 cents cheaper than the usual price. Immediately jumped out
Everything, I decided to become a geographer. I want, like them, to study this beautiful science of geometry. Today our teacher conducted a remarkable lesson! He talked about a distant country called Russia. I knew a lot about this wild state before. For example, it is well known to all that the Russians are a cross between a bear and a man who feed on alcohol and birch, live in the taiga in deep holes, and on holidays they set fire to the Kremlin and dance around it roundelays.
After telling the teacher, I know about Russia, probably more than the residents themselves. For example, in this country there are American reserves of oil and gas. When we need them, we will come for them. In addition, in Russia there are deposits of black and red caviar, as well as deposits of vodka and pancakes. These riches Russians spend in a barbaric way: they eat and drink, depriving the future generations of Americans. A real empire of evil!
After school, I went to a psychoanalyst. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice and teaches me how to live. Today he taught me to wash myself in the restroom. And I thought, why does it always stink in our toilet? I must tell my family does not yet know
In the evening I played tetris. Killer action! At the third level, I was cut off. Then I climbed on porn sites www. pentagon.com and www. whitehouse.org. Insert not childly + Satisfied with the day and his right hand, went to bed

24 April.
Today in mathematics they learned to count to ten. This is hard science. Now it is clear why we begin to study it only in high school. I reached the age of 7. Teacher praised me. I have him, too.
Then there was physical education. While my friends were peeking in the shower for girls, I peeped at the fizruk. I was so carried away that I did not notice how everyone had already washed and began to look after me.
On a big change, Bob brought his father's gun and started shooting at the girl's chunks. That was fun! The girls screeched, tried to escape, but Bob overtook them and finished off with a control shot in the head. Then the police arrived, and for some reason Boba was taken. But he was just having fun ... We were immediately released to our homes.

8 May.
Today was an unusual lesson in history. The teacher told us how exactly 28 years ago, American troops took Berlin and defeated Germany. It turns out that in 1958 the bloody dictator Saddam Hussein, who at that time led Germany, attacked London and bombed his capital, Warsaw. The Germans on tanks and bicycles captured Paris, Brussels, Kiev and Birobidzhan. After the seizure of Birobidzhan, the United States ran out of patience, and they entered the war. At first the Germans were bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then at Disneyland. The Germans began to retreat. Then the American troops surrounded Germany and punctured all Berlin with pinpoint blows, hoisting a star-striped flag over the Eiffel Tower. Saddam Hussein was caught in a Berlin suburb where he hid in the basement of a supermarket. The bloody dictator was tried and sent to penal servitude to St. Helena. And all the peoples of the world in a single fit applauded the brave soldiers of the US Army and threw flowers, fruits and vegetables in them. That's how the Second World War ended, after which all the bloody dictators became clear: from democracy, no one was still alive

11 May.
Today after school we were taken on an excursion to the picture gallery. Have found it to surprise: a daub, some, naked women. I'm on the Internet and seen better. Jim pinned and tied the cud to a picture on the wall. And Leslie broke his finger off the sculpture.
When our bus was already leaving, panic began in the gallery. An old woman was running and screaming: "She costs a half million dollars!". Jim and Leslie winked at each other, it was our contribution to the world culture. We acted like real Americans.
In the evening I went to hockey with my father. The first period began, and a washer flew right into my forehead. I woke up at the hospital. The doctors shook their heads in surprise: well, you should not even have concussions

33 rules for guests
1. Birthday parties like big and expensive gifts. Buy a log and hand a friend with the words "The old man, now you have what to wear on subbotniks!".
2. Put your shoes in the refrigerator, sincerely assuring the owners that it gives a unique taste and aroma to the products.
3. Constantly contact the owner "Hey, you, where did I see you before?"
4. When everyone starts to tell jokes and stories, remember when the master's wife, as you and him and the girls went to the sauna. Wink the owner - "Well, you gave them then the heat!"
5. Stare at the owner, then whisper to him: "Look, I know a good doctor here ..."
6. If you were invited to spend the night, ask if you can sleep with the landlady.
7. Raise the owner's dog by the tail, look at it for a long time, saying "What a nasty cat ...".
8. At the height of the fun, stand up silently and say gloomily "Giblartar." Look at the reaction of others.
9. Ask the hostess, is she so fat, or do you have bad glasses?
10. Constantly contact the hostess "Deshsh-shka! Two shampusik and girls in the room, pzhals-ta!"
11. Present an enema for the New Year. Gladly offer to try it on the owner. Or tell me that this is a family heirloom that you left from your great-grandfather.
12. Look around the furniture and ask: "Did you buy it on the same flea market as the neighbors from the bottom, or did they drop theirs?"
13. Bring photos from the stand "They are searched by the militia" (and better than the stand and five or forty people from the police) and meticulously compare the photos with the faces of those present.
14. Go to a friend at 4 am and sympathetically ask: "Can not you sleep, too, old man?"
15. Ask if you can swim in the bathroom with your girlfriend and mistress.
16. Bring the Homeless with you. Explain that this is a distant relative and close friend, who has nowhere to go for a long time.
17. Break the last bottle of vodka.
18. In the morning with a hangover, ask to ride on a swing or a roller coaster.
19. Look closely at the son of the owners, saying "It does not look like a folder at all ...". Or say "Well, all in batka" and wink the mistress.
20. Call an ambulance to a friend at night.
21. Order the girls all guests and two - personally the owner. Of course, everything is at his expense.
22. Before leaving, take money in debt.
23. Encourage the hosts to start rearranging and repairing the house right now. Immediately begin ripping off the wallpaper.
24. Ask if the owners are the winners of the Nobel Prize in the field of cockroach.
25. Give the owner a set of women's cosmetics, and the owner - a whip and leather straps.
26. Come on a visit in a costume of anti-radiation protection.
27. Ask "What does this smell like ?!" then run away with screams.
28. Show the owner some jiu-jitsu techniques. Do not pay him a hospital, claiming that he is to blame.
29. Remove the syringe and the suspicious white powder with the words "I am the dispatcher, the flight to Nirvana, get ready for the flight!".
30. At a meeting, joyfully kiss the owner on the cheeks and nose, hold hands and say "You know, something has changed in my life!"
31. Call. When you open, open and close your mouth, wrinkle your mouth. Then embarrassed confess master "The old man, something I forgot how your name ...".
32. When the hosts introduce you to other guests, greet them with the following phrases or quietly mutter to themselves: "I remember, I remember, $ 50 an hour," "Oh, did you beat the old woman at the store?", "Oh, you so wonderful will look in the salad face, "" (sniffing with a sour face) Yes, a man should smell like a man "," Are you losing weight? "(guest, guest :) - No. (you :) -It is appreciable ... ".
33. With a grim appearance, go behind the guests and, carefully aiming, step on their feet.
Notes of the newborn
... And do not lean your ear against the stomach and ask an idiotic question! Do not! A boy or a girl? I'm a boy, boy! Or a girl? Try to disassemble here in the dark!
My mother definitely wants me to be a guy. It's easier for a boy to marry a boy if he does not have to marry.
And I do not feel like something. Guys are all abnormal. My grandfather, for example. Every half an hour begins to yell: "It began, it began, fast, fast!" And so it's already the fifth month.
My father is also abnormal. He left us when I was three months old. He says, it is still unknown who I am. How is it her ?! How is this? I do not remember what, who! Yes, I do not recognize everyone by voice!
A girl too is not very hunting.
Well, let's say my grandmother has nothing. She works in our restaurant. Without it, my mother and I would have died of hunger for a long time. My good grandmother reminds us about this every day.
And my mother's friends? Shh ... Only quietly. They do not like me. They say that I need to get rid of myself. What did I do to them? It is said that if there is a girl, it will be unhappy, like them, and if there is a man, it is better to kill the predator beforehand.
In! Again came advice to give, as we do with mum to make a miscarriage. A bathroom with mustard, according to their advice, we have already taken. Needles were pricked. Yesterday, we were even frightened from the corner with a skeleton. Mamma hardly became a stutterer, and I almost threw out my laughter.
And today it's decided to jump from the cupboard. And one, two, and three! Flew! Cool feeling! As on an airplane. True, a little from the porthole is blowing, but still great. Mamanu is just sorry for me, then nothing, but she hit the landing all the way repulsed.
Stupid women foolishly try. I do not intend to leave this place at all. What did not I see there? Your problems or what ?! In short, I decided to hold on to the ribs until the last.
And now my mother is in line. The queue is strange somehow. Some are blind. Everyone jostles, legs come on, but as prices are looked at, they squint and ask: how much, how much ?!
Citizen from behind, do not push your belly! Is he pregnant too? And his child is so strange gurgling? Drowned what?
And you, the man in front, do not press on the stomach. Not for my mother. I apologized! He's still mocking. And I took the bag to the house! Well, exactly premature. Do not see that we are pregnant ?! The phone asks. He says that this is love at first sight. He is also a moron. Do people in our time fall in love with someone at first sight? I understand the look from the second or from the third.
Fool! The phone did not give, and still lied, that she had a strict and jealous husband. And you asked me? Maybe I was dreaming about such a father all my pregnancy, but she did not have an extra phone.
Hey, buddy, stop! Stand, I'm telling you! Do not you trust my fool. You believe me! We have no husband, some bastards. Husband for us in as needed!
Father! BATHYANYA! Folder! Papulechka! .. Infectious! Gone! And this one is gone! And our bag carried with us. Probably from excitement. Then my Mom worried about something.
Oh, Mom! It seems that these, as they are there, began fights! In, as Mamanya screams! How he suffers, poor thing! But I still will not go out. Give birth to anyone: hedgehogs, elephants, orangutans, but not me.
And who else is touching us from all sides? Do not paw! Do not paw, my mother, I said! And I do not care what the gynecologist. Well, what are you staring at, your shameless eyes? Go out ?! Sly what. I need someone there. Better get yourself a twin.
And what's this? Something warm, affectionate. Arm! Soft mother's hand! She's stroking me! So, my mother loves me! So, I need someone!
Well, you, gynecologist, you hear! So be it, I'll go out. Only without hands give. Without hands, I said! He will tell me how to give birth right! In general, you'd better get out of bed. And then he smells of alcohol, already in his eyes it's dark.
Well, with this turmoil forgot how there: forward with your feet or head? Kicking forward or head? Oh, yes, now with your head, and then with your feet forward.
So! My way out! .. A-ah! Why are you watching? A-ah! I'm already yelling tired. A-ah! Well, applaud, finally!

Male logic against women
That's what logic says logic. They also very much like women's logic especially to emphasize.
Nonsense is all this, although it can be something with my woman and something I do not understand.
I send my husband for a beer, I say:
Buy two bottles of beer.
Returns, brings four. Not that I would be very indignant, but I still drew attention:
I like two asked to buy?
The husband answers:
All right, two to you, two to me.
Is it logical? So I thought it was logical. But she added to herself: "We must do something about this >>
The next time I send my husband for a beer, I say:
Buy two bottles of beer. One for you, one for me. Do you understand?
Got it!
Returns, brings four. I spread my hands to the sides and tried to clarify:
I'm kind of talking about two.
The answer was as logical as the previous one.
All right, you first said two bottles of beer, and then added one to you one to me, in the total turns out four.
Is it logical? So I thought it was logical. About myself, the truth added: "We need to somehow fight against this."
I send my husband for a beer, remembering about previous cases I try to express myself clearly.
Buy one bottle of beer for yourself, one for me. Do you understand? and so for clarity I repeated to myself, one to me.
Returned. Brings four. I'm reviewing the package and I think: "Well, I thought about two of them. Can double in the eyes? >> there is no true true four.
In general, I stand flapping my eyes and between the business I develop the party's policy, but for the beginning I clarify:
Is it two?
Why two? four.
So I said one by one?
That's right, you said so. One for yourself, one for you, one for yourself, one for you in total we get four.
Is it logical? it is logical. Well, I think, mathematician, we simply can not take it.
We go, under the spirits, books smart leaf, cross embroider and jam crimson, too, we can .. with a spoon from a jar. Anyway.
I send my husband for a beer.
I'm telling two bottles of beer I allocate funds for this grateful mission and I sound the exact amount of the delivery I want to get back. Returned. Brings four.
I stand, I look in the package. I think deja vu. Naturally, I immediately make my hands in the sides and cunning eye of a professional bitch:
Well?
Wheelies of wildebeest! surrender.
So, I did not manage to quarrel, nothing, we will postpone till better times. But only doubts still remained
But all the same four and surrender, as from two it is not clear Yablonya, what here it is not clear on yours? I have money then
Though there can be a logic here and not and and it can is simple bitchiness?