My Blog: jokes funny jokes
Spisked lexus cornfly - pear and prat ...
Famous Russian kampazitr (in the bad sense of the word Etowah) with pasidifshimi curls and perhatyu-sirpantinom in the tower, loureat competition << >> fantasmagorich eskaya sip Ygar Karnelyug, the fault ugonschikof squander your, zarabotony h esnym anal hard Lexus er IGS 470. proshedshy zabaytelsky vtneg, a hairy schmuck parked on the street Gatchina, closed with a keychain mashynu and papizdilo to friends in a chorus to sing pestnu << klova zhyvu i klyova >>. As the stocky poodle himself coaxed about two legs, he croaked the two mesets of the nosate. The dog was equipped with the most unpopular system of protection, a duck in the driver's seat, a built-in cat pulpit, a pyro cartridge, nationalized in the hijacker's anus, otagzhe for what dick gypsy flag and orbuz in the back seat. Fucking shaggy ortist need Orbus? Vazmozhno, consuming waterbags in industrial quantities, kampazitora (in a bad sense eto words) visited in the anal muzo, and pressing urine on the moskish creature, gave him themes for Creo. Perhaps Igarosho put the orgus under the hippie, shtoby to ensure the possibility of a carelessly floundering on the road. The third assumption is zaklyuchyaetsa INTO Pivec orbus used to introduce himself into the urethra, and then with grushepodobnym gortseval by a dick on stage and sang kornelyugskom ezyke visoluyu Pesenko << padazhdi Dazhdidazhdi yaastavel lyubofpa >> Zadie (b / n pidarskaya pestni). This is not the essence of what is more karoche, the meaning of this is that the astrakhan bormole greatly regretted the orbus, which the hlegalans slept with along with the Lexus. Interesting is the fact that the friends of the composer (in a bad sense of this word) were standing on the balcony and watching the hijacker smiled maliciously at the patient, bleeding bubbly and assimilating the asshole, confirming the rumors of the total banality of the musical baguem. Himself aftr hit << blow job >>, fucking - << blow job >>, fucking, - << ticket for the flight >> commented on the performance of the three glories (not pizhzh), «pear and pratical», after the two hands cleverly caught in the wilds of the hairy cholka colony of emaciated Veshei, and grievingly hunted a dozen or two caught insects, it was rustic to compose a new crocheted song. Here is such a hard life of Russian composers. They drink watermelons from them. They write! Stsuki is simple.
GREAT POISONERS OF THE POLICE.
Captain Larin scratched his ass. "Okay, write on." The corpse belongs to a young girl, looking 20-25 years old. The corpse is completely naked, on the left chest are visible bluish spots, similar to hematomas. On the right chest, just above and to the right of the nipple, a tattoo in the form of scissors. The legs of the corpse are widely spread apart, in the primary sex there is an extraneous object - the male sexual organ. The genitals are cut off. It is in the unreinforced state. Captain Larin fell silent. It was his 351th corpse for years of service in the ranks of the militia. She did not cause any emotions of this dead young girl at Larin - perhaps just a lazy desire to touch her dick - to see if he had cut off that "foreign object" that now clearly was sticking out of their dead girl's pussy. The corpse's eyes are wide open. The body was stiff. In both hands of the corpse flags with Russian official symbols are clamped - in the right hand - the state flag of the Russian Federation. In the left hand is the standard of the President of the Russian Federation. Traces of blood on the corpse and also near the corpse and in the entire gym were not found. Larin again scratched his ass, took out a pack of "Java" and lit a cigarette. I did not want to work. I wanted to go home, on the way to take a bottle of vodka, ravioli and a couple of video tapes with some militants - "Predator 2", or "Enemy of the State" for example. Larin fell silent for a long time, not moving, staring at one point without blinking. Larin's head was empty, he did not think about anything. Stuck. Dukalis got up from his crochet, for some reason shook off his jacket and lit a cigarette too: "Larin, it's good to stick, fuck!" Listen, let's finish here in a quick way, let's go to the boys to thump! Fuck, it's only 11 o'clock in the morning, and I'm already fucked! Nahuya in general, this fucking youngster here lies? Now, fuck, now creep in here, fuck, hairs from her pussy, look for fingerprints all over the gym! What the fuck was she doing at this ruined school? Well, what the fuck did she fuck at home? And what kind of fashion is this, in our watch such dolboobstvom deal with? Now look for, fuck, from whom she fucked that cock, fucking cut it off, fucking her pussy stuffed, what died, parents-huiteley, fucking friends! Now, fuck, six months, we'll open this shit! Amanita will fuck us, Gluck will fuck him, Glauck fuck the fuck Matvienka, Matviyenko will fuck Nurgaliyev, Nurgalieva will fuck Putin - Well, Nahuya needs all this? Fool, damn, why did you take these flags in hand? Do you understand that the duck is dumb, that this is now a political matter? Dukalis kicked the dead girl's body with a dirty boot. The head of the corpse swung to the left and immediately to the right. The dead eyes stared directly into Dukalis's eyes. "What hatched you, prostitute?" Uh, slut! Two witnesses - an old woman of a vagabond kind, collecting bottles and discovering a corpse, and some teenage boy of sixteen, caught at the exit from the meter with a Ukrainian passport, and therefore could not avoid the role of the witness, stood two meters from the corpse and were terrified in silence. They themselves were frightened by the corpse, as well as the cynical grumbling of Dukalis. Larin again scratched his ass and returned to the world. He approached Dukalis and whispered to him: "Let's go, a couple of words." They went to the Swedish wall. - Listen, Dukalis, when this old cunt in the department called, who removed the receiver? "I, who else!" - Right? - Yes, for sure, everyone went to congratulate Solovets on his birthday, I was the last one out of the office. Well this pussy also called. From the machine - he stands - Dukalis pointed to the street with his hand. Well, blaspheme, I did not pick up the peasants, I tapped you on the mobile. And then you yourself know! What do you ask? - Yes, just do not take it into your head Larin thought about it. And what if, Okay, calmly So, we khyayrim khlenka on the head. Cut off his cock, take him and then dump the dick into the canal. Cut throat. We put on the woman So. We get rape, and murder for self-defense Babka plant on the second floor and dumped into the hole head down, how much it needs, hehe STOP, FUCK! Examination will check the dick and understand that the cock is not hohlyadsky. Will not go. If so: stick your cock out of the pussy, and throw it into the canal. We make the fucker fuck the girl and cut his throat, the grandmother - from the second floor FUCK! She has flags in her hands! Examination will show that she did not hold a knife, but something delicate! Shove chtoli her dick in her hands, and flags - in the channel? Fuck, do not drown, sozuka So Larin lit another cigarette The plan did not add up. "Well, captain, well, think." We make the khlenka fuck the grandmother, cut her throat, cut off his cock, put the president's ass in the ass, the second dick - the grandmother in a pussy, like she's already with a dick in pussy came in, we take bottles, get drunk in asshole. "Blayayayayayayayayayaya." Larin started to cry. Nothing came of it. "Fuck the grandma way, we sew it Devkin dick, girl - on the second floor, cut the throat, Hohlenko ass - flags, grandmother in her mouth empty bottle, shit Hohlenko mouth, beheaded, fuck girl, grandmother - the canal, Hohlenko anal aaaaaaaaaoooouuuuuu, blyad, well paachemuuuu, pachemuuuuuu advokaaaatom I did not, well, I like this nahhuuuuuya menturaaaa nuzhnaaaa bylaaaaaaaaoooooouuyuyuyuyuyuyuyu .. ". When, three minutes later, the experts and the district authorities arrived with flashing lights and sirens, Larin was sitting on the floor, leaning his back on the Swedish wall and sobbing, the grandmother stroked his head and said something kindly and reassuringly, Dukalis busily completed the protocol of the inspection of the scene, and the little hoe tossed with caution in the nose and occasionally, stealing around looking around, eating his goats.
Excess of tenderness is always fraught with snot. Where is the quality of the fuck? Do not fall asleep ... Sex minorities and Masons are ruffled. Order of courteous Mannerist. Pidarasi. Romantic dinner with candles and champagne. Who said that it's interesting ... Shch's nazhres ... Let there always be sun, I do not mind. Mom, too, let it be, you can change it. With a vacuum cleaner, fuck. Favorite eyes are filled with blood. Well, I did not spend the night at home, well, it happens ... You go fuck yourself. Cowards for forty dollars No fucking affect the libido. Naebali ... I study the high art of origami. He wants love, but his hands are busy with paper. Dick or a boat? .. Terrible oaths I give myself to stop smoking. And halfway did not pass, but fucked up. The elevator broke ... I can never fuck a Negro. Black and smelly fucking now. I sell ruberoyd. In the depths of memory I'm looking for a dirty joke. What can you say about Nabokov, the Son of a goat? .. The cat fetishes with the boyfriend's shoes. In vain I seek in myself feelings for the owner of these. The cat is right ... Do you think me smart? From the storerooms of intellect, you are caught by the Round Ass? ... My great-grandmother studied at Smolny, she was a countess. I kind of fuck, we have a democracy like ... I'm picking my nose ... Eight in the morning. The guests are dissolving in the doorway. On all fours I wish them a good journey. The evening is over. He hid his makeup, cut the pantyhose into shreds. Type without this, I do not change it. Yes, even stitching ... Yesterday showed the delights of sweaty hands. Today he forced me into his companions spouse in law. Pervert ... Distressingly on the desert beaches. Onanists behind each barkhan. Teasing ... The hands of the favorite smell of Moscow sausage exude. The breakfast was prepared by himself and wants rewards for it. Fuck not breathing. How many mysterious creatures in the grass dwells How amazing taste of black earth Naebnulas Asks favorite bind themselves to ebley admire one mind, right now, and tie the club upizduyu if the taxi driver did not take the money with eblischa Cute Above a business card stuck in the cut indecent if the incision is small? Here Jam calls and breathing quickened Mysteriously Fingering unknown to me selfish and scheming Writes favorite words on the back, and I'm slow-witted Either get drunk or even earnest Everywhere the word dick Happiness girlfriend found met a handsome prince I did fuck sent two years ago for stupid little town forehead resting on the wall I'm standing arms tired. Behind the sniffing fuss sometimes matyuki Love has come
A CURVE OF SHIT IN NATURE.
It was an ordinary Sunday morning. Lelik was returning home bluish with joy and slightly knocked down by the car. He was extremely distressed. In the entrance he was greeted by the neighbor's bulldog Gosha, for which he painfully received an unskilled boot under the breath and collapsed into the stairwell. The Bulldog Gosha was extremely upset. He silently flew down. The landing was quite soft, except for the stubby Aunt Dusiu and the spilled milk. Of gratitude, Gosha brutally bitten the most tangible parts of the body of Aunt Dusya and with a victorious howl escaped into the street. Aunt Dusya was extremely distressed. She was washing the soiled dress. After a while, the remains of adherent cigarette butts gave the matter a yellowish-brown tinge. In some places. When her husband returned, Uncle Petya, she made an expression under the name "a herd of Liberal penguins left without ice cream." Then she told Uncle Petya everything she thinks about his chronic alcoholism and sexual potency. For this Uncle Petya told her everything that he thinks about stains on the dress, scratches and bites on the body and the remains of milk in his hair. For this Aunt Dusya told him everything she thinks about the husband's love for animals and other uncles. For this, Uncle Petya told her everything that he thinks about Aunt Dusya's mother, and also about the impeccable figure of Aunt Dusya herself. For this Uncle Petya received a frying pan for a mighty intellect. Uncle Peter was extremely distressed. He alternately applied a frying pan and a white and yellow rag to the mighty intellect, which before that was the gown of Aunt Dusya. When the doorbell rang, he was putting a frying pan. Uncle Petya reluctantly opened the door with a kick of his foot. On the threshold stood a wandering seller of yarmolayzerov. He happily informed Uncle Peter that he had the opportunity for just a hundred dollars to buy a unique product - a set of yarmolayzerov. Or for some two hundred dollars to acquire the unique right to unimpeded trade with the air-milkers with a free-of-charge application - a set of yarmolayers. Uncle Petya listened to him and, in turn, happily informed him that, in fact, he was very fond of yarmolayzers. And he is very fond of the vagabond sellers of yarmolayzerov, including, and personally. And to love him personally, he is going right here and now. Then Uncle Petya went on to the action, greatly disliked the seller with a frying pan over the head and slammed the door. The wandering seller of the yarmolayers was extremely distressed, walked wearily down the stairs and thought that Uncle Petey's love had to be reciprocated. At the exit he met a bulldog Gosh. The seller was very happy and fed four illiquid sets of yarmolayers to Gaucher. Gosh, in turn, was very happy, noisily champing and wagging a stump of his tail, swallowed a treat, and then with a loud bark he drove the wandering seller of the yarmolayers from the yard. The Bulldog Gosha was extremely upset. For by the evening the Germans had acted, and he felt so young, healthy and beautiful that it was time to die. Now he firmly decided to lead a healthy lifestyle, not to drink, do not smoke and feed only on the wandering sellers of the yarmolayers. In the evening, a mighty dog organism digested the yarmolazers and the bulldog dumped all four sets under the door of Lyuska's courtyard charm. Four in one. Lyuska's charming little house was extremely distressed. She was going to a friend's birthday for Rosa. Girlfriend Rosa was ugly and slovenly, and against her background, Lyuska was to be the real queen of the holiday in her pink-fitting dress with a cut to the very "this is the most." If it had not slipped on the products of processing the yarmolayzerov. A gorgeous dress absorbed about three and a half sets and was hopelessly spoiled. While standing in one underwear, she soaked the rest of the luxury in the bathroom, Lelik appeared in the unlocked apartment with the words "Luc, there are no matches?" Oh, and what does it smell like here? " Lyuska gathered, was, and soak Lelika, but then changed her mind, married him and spoiled him for the rest of his life. Moral: Let's say compliments to each other and stop throwing feces into each other ...
SEX ON THE WATCH.
Sexologists have long noticed that satisfaction from sex at different times of the day is very different. The same caresses, depending on the time a woman perceives in different ways. So look at the clock and reflect on what you can get from the partner at the moment and what you can offer her. 6.00 8.00 She: Even if she is already awake, her body is not yet ready for sex. The level of melatonin in the blood (sleep hormone) gradually decreases, and the body temperature has not yet risen after sleep (at night the body temperature decreases slightly). Although sometimes it is very pleasant to wake up while making love. The main thing is that the partner does not hurry, but allows her to wake up to unhurried caresses. He: Most men in this watch are at the peak of sexual activity, now the level of testosterone in his blood reaches its maximum value. He needs to cheer up and gain strength before the new day. But he is not ready for long, long caresses. Fast sex is what you can count on. 8.00 10.00 She: Finally woke up and ready for sex. Now her blood level of endorphins "hormones of joy" reaches its maximum value. In order to get excited, it will not take her much time. He: Already adjusted to the working mood. The level of testosterone in his blood decreased and went back to normal. Therefore now it is difficult enough to stir the beloved. 10.00 12.00 She: During this time all taste buds are sharpened. Right now she can get the most pleasure from oral sex. By the way, to this kind of love games a man is always ready. He: Men have mental activity. Therefore, instead of having sex, he will spend hours arguing about it, but he is unlikely to show any activity. And any of your actions, he will begin to mentally analyze and build "deep" conclusions. 12.00 14.00 She: Her activity reaches its maximum value. But this does not apply to sexuality. In these hours, a woman is hard to relax and focus on sex. But at the same time, if she was going to engage in sexual education of a loved one, he should not be shy and try everything in practice. He: It's a playful mood. At this time, the level of "hormones of joy" in man reaches its maximum value. Therefore, he wants to h something unusual, even extreme and will gladly accept any of your ideas. 14.00 16.00 She: At this time her body is maximally prepared for conception. But to long and long caresses, she is not ready. Fast, even a little hard sex is what she needs right now. Also at this time her olfactory senses are exacerbated, and the most important thing for her is that a pleasant smell emanates from the man. He: Approximately about four o'clock in the afternoon the male organism reproduces the most qualitative sperm. Therefore, if you are thinking about procreation, this is the time. 16.00 18.00 She: At this time, she has a decline in activity. Most women in these hours are not capable of active caresses. Но она не прочь принимать эти ласки от партнера. Поэтому, если любимый рвется в бой, не стоит останавливать его. Он: Готов к бою, хотя и не способен на длительные ласки. Ему необходимо ч ерез секс сбросить усталость и отрицательную энергию. Поэтому все, на что ты можешь рассчитывать, это быстрый секс. 18.00 20.00 Она: Необходимо восполнить недостаток энергии, поэтому не стоит отказываться от ужина. В это время у нее максимально обострены слуховые ч увства. Она готова слушать длинные признания в любви и комплименты в свой адрес. Он: В это время мужчина не способен на сексуальные игры. Сейчас он может думать только об удовлетворении чувства голода и об отдыхе после ужина. Все свои силы его организм тратит на переваривание пищи. Хотя, если ты пригласишь его на легкий банкет в постели, то он вряд ли откажется. 20.00 22.00 Она: Самое время для продолжительных любовных игр. Она полна сил (если не отказывалась от ужина) и готова взять инициативу в свои руки. Самое время для экспериментов в постели. Он: Рвется в бой и готов выполнить любое твое желание. В это время ваши сексуальные часы полностью совпадают. 22.00 0.00 Она: Ближе к полуночи у нее в крови резко увеличивается уровень мелатонина. Организм постепенно засыпает, даже если она привыкла ложиться поздно. Поэтому сейчас ее сексуальная чувствительность снижается. Но в то же время обостряются романтические чувства, когда хочется просто держаться за руки, обниматься, целоваться и ничего больше. Он: Максимально расслаблен, но еще не спит. Поэтому сейчас готов к длинным и продолжительным ласкам. Для того чтобы хорошо заснуть, ему нужно выбросить остатки энергии. И сексуальные игры для этого подходят лучше всего. 0.00 6.00 Она: Ее организм нуждается в отдыхе. Но ведь можно заниматься любовью в полусне. Кстати, очень многие женщины, ранее не испытывающие оргазм, именно в полусонном состоянии достигают пика сексуального наслаждения. Это связано с тем, что во сне они способны полностью расслабляться. Самое главное, ч тобы партнер не спал. Он: Крепко спит, и разбудить его очень сложно.
За что мы любим мужиков?...
За лаконичность фраз горячих:
"О, боги, кто послал мне эту дуру?"
За конструктивность разговора:
"Я прав, ведь я мужик, на этом точка".
За праведность увещеваний тонких:
"Ты в этой шубе как корова, не надо нам животных в доме".
За утренний пролитый на подушку кофе:
"Но, милая, я ведь принес его, в натуре!"
За громкие раскаты мата:
"Твою-то мать, ну что ты делаешь в воротах!"
За редкие мгновенья в ресторане:
"В тени свечей ты выглядишь чудесно, я выверну все лампочки в квартире!"
За нежные прикосновенья в ванной:
"Я, драгоценная, побрился, иди скорее, пока я голый".
За долгожданные звонки по телефону:
"Ну я попью пивка с друзьями, а ты пока позырь порнушку".
За неожиданность букетов:
"Любимая - 8 марта, а у меня не стираны носочки!"
За жизнелюбие мирское:
"Вот, сука, просит подаянье, ща тресну по башке роялем!"
За оптимизм, сияющий лучами:
"Давай же жрать быстрей, ведь скоро все подохнем!"
За счастье секса после года жизни:
"Сегодня спим! Ты сверху! Мне лениво повернуться!"
За помощь в механических проблемах:
"Тразистор разбирается по схеме. А схему помнит дядя Леша".
За силу, что в нас мужество вселяет:
"Ты лучше помолчи, вонючка, а то лишу дурацких выступов на теле!"
За радость над полученным подарком:
"Купила б лучше руль спортивный, мне твой парфюм по барабану!"
Мы любим Вас, ведь мы же бабы, а бабы, как известно, дуры
Физиологический тест для мужчин
1. Дефлорация - это:
а) разновидность дегельминтизации;
г) море свежести всего в двух калориях;
д) война малой кровью на чужой территории.
2. Восстановление девственной плевы хирургами - это:
а) лишний повод дефлорировать девушку;
б) лишний повод дефлорировать хирурга;
в) восьмое чудо света;
г) сизифов труд;
д) моральная травма для оперируемого мужчины.
3. Пуленепробиваемая девственная плева - это:
а) суровая реальность;
б) случай из рассказа Лема "Плевое дело";
в) на каждый замок ключик найдется!
г) пожарный вход;
д) запасный выход.
4. "Пояс верности" - это:
а) упрощенный вариант цепей Гименея;
б) народное название импликатора Кузнецова;
в) карта регионов, проголосовавших "за";
г) вериги, надеваемые Маме Римской;
д) партбилет коммуниста.
5. Секс - это:
а) не роскошь, а удар по бездорожью и разгильдяйству;
б) ответ на вопрос "Что делать?";
в) предмет ленинской работы "Шаг - в перед, Два - на зад";
г) гол и голь на выдумки хитры;
д) 9,5 недель, которые потрясли мир.
7. Презерватив для летчиков должен быть:
а) с крылышками и пропеллером;
б) с турбонаддувом;
в) на двоих со штурманом;
г) с системой катапультирования в случае разгерметизации;
д) должен быть.
8. Девственник ли ты?
г) воздержался, уже в который раз;
д) не помню, спросите у жены.
За каждый ответ "а" засчитывается от 1 до 5 баллов, "б" - от 5 до 1, "в" - 1, 2, 3, 4 или 5, "г" - 1 или 2, 3 или 4, а может быть 5, "д" - или 1, или 2, или 3, или 4, или 5. Если число баллов у вас меньше 8, значит вы девственник, больше 40 - сексуальный маньяк, а от 8 до 40 - сложный случай и для уточнения диагноза без кесарева сечения не обойтись.